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(Music cuts. Music restarts.)

JOHN I would like to request a thing. A cremation.

CLERK And you can do that. You certainly can do that. In the exact way that I want you to do that.

JOHN Which is online– CLERK You’re catching up.

(Phone rings. Music cuts. Clerk silences the phone. Music re-starts.)

JOHN M’am…Sorry, may I m’am you?

CLERK You may not– JOHN Ma’am, I hear what you’re saying and I don’t like it.

CLERK Had a hunch– JOHN Don’t want to do it like that– CLERK Had a feeling– JOHN Want to do it right now– CLERK In person– JOHN Live and in my flesh– CLERK Yes I could feel that– JOHN Could you? Could you feel that?

8

CLERK In my bones.

(Music cuts.)

JOHN So you’ll do it?

(Music re-starts) CLERK I guess my hands are tied!

JOHN By whom?

CLERK I think you know– JOHN By me– CLERK Yes, you’ve tied my hands– JOHN They look like they are moving to me– CLERK Well, it’s more like my fingers JOHN Your fingers?

CLERK Like you’ve put a band around all my fingers JOHN What kind of band?

(Music cuts. Clerk described the kind of band that is playing i.e. “two people, a guitar, a drummer…” etc. Band does a little: Ba-dum-dum-ch! Music restarts.)

JOHN I can see your hands moving– CLERK and I can see your body leaving– 9

JOHN Mom— may I mom you?

CLERK You may not JOHN Did you really believe you were gonna get rid of me so easily?

CLERK Alas, I had hope– JOHN (gasps) That’s not like you.

CLERK How can you tell?

JOHN Your short nails, your large water bottle, you barely looked up when I came in– CLERK I was engrossed. I was engorged. I was engrossed and engorged.

JOHN In what?

CLERK Sorting JOHN Sorting what?

CLERK The living from the dead.

(Phone rings.Music cuts. Clerk silences the phone. Music re-starts) JOHN Have we met?

CLERK Just a moment ago?

JOHN We know each other?

10

CLERK From where?

JOHN A different life?

CLERK I don’t believe in that?

JOHN Me either?

CLERK: Yes. You only get one chance and one life.

JOHN You only live O. CLERK You only LO JOHN YO, live once! (Music cuts.) YO gotta live for once!

(Ba-dum-dum-ch! Phone rings. Clerk silences. Music starts.)

CLERK You really had to come in and“ma’am me” for a favor? I was really ready to give you the gift of the doubt.

JOHN You mean benefit.

CLERK I mean benedict– JOHN Eggs CLERK The Eggs Benedict of the Doubt.

JOHN The Arnold Benedict of the Doubt.

CLERK I am a hopeless person, normally, but was ready to betray my hopeless nature.

11

JOHN (gasps) You weren’t.

CLERK I was! I was ready to have hope that you’d turn around and walk your sweaty little self out that door and then I could finish up the lists I was engrossed and engorged in throw out my little oldy moldy lady lordy lunch in that fridge back there and go home early– JOHN What do you like to do when you go home early?

CLERK I tend to my garden.

JOHN Aww. Awww, that’s sweet– CLERK I tend to tend to my garden.

JOHN What do you tend to intend to grow?

CLERK I tend to grow peas and tomatoes and beans on a trellis. I grow carrots, and marigolds, eggplant aka aubergine/peppers, hot peppers, watermelon, hot watermelon, stracciatella, spanakopita, oregano, portobellos, puerta vallarta– JOHN Can I say something here? Can I put a few words into the universe? Can I get a single word in and will you let me usher it into edgewise?

CLERK Daffodils, sunflowers, other herbs– JOHN Just one word, please?

CLERK and a single potato…Fine. One word. Go: JOHN Hurry.

CLERK What?

JOHN If you hurry this along you could get to your garden!

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CLERK Don’t talk about my garden– JOHN To your peas your tomatoes and your beans on a trellis/, carrots, and marigolds, eggplant aka aubergine, peppers, hot peppers, watermelon, hot watermelon, stracciatella, spanakopita, oregano, portabello.

CLERK DON’T TALK ABOUT MY GARDEN DON’T TALK ABOUT MY GARDEN DON’T TALK ABOUT MY GARDEN THAT’S MY GARDEN AND MY ONE AND ONLY MY GARDEN. (Music cuts. Phone rings. Clerk silences it. Music re-starts.)

CLERK What do you do?

JOHN For life CLERK For a living JOHN To live?

CLERK On earth.

JOHN I’m a– CLERK Wait! I know JOHN Then say CLERK us both JOHN count of 9 JOHN AND CLERK 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8…..9: I’m/You’re a professional pain the butthole

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CLERK Yeah!

JOHN Hey! Nice!

(JOHN and CLERK high five.Music cuts. Lights shift. CLERK grabs JOHN'S hand.)

CLERK (menacing) How would you …like it …If …I showed up to your job- your job as a Professional Pain in the Butthole. And made it hard to be a. Professional Pain in the Butthole. Like what if I showed up and when I did. I had one hand outstretched towards you in love. But then in my other hand.In my other hand. Which is behind my back.I had a novelty sized bath stopper Or giant soup pot lidJOHN You’re hurting me– CLERK Or really just like the biggest giant-est butt plug in the world. A butt plug for a giant. A giant whose into long, looooong sessions of passive anal play and–And then when you weren’t looking.I just took the bath stopper. Or the giant soup pot lid.Or giant’s butt plug and…what if I just stuffed you with something so large that it was hard to be your Professional…Paininthe…Butthole… Self!

(Music re-starts, hesitantly) JOHN That would suck CLERK It would. It would, wouldn’t it!

JOHN Yeah I mean a butthole that’s stopped up isn’t a butthole at all! It’s just at that point…Well, it’s just a. Butt. And that’s the OPPOSITE of what I am. That’s not my job at all!

(Phone rings. Clerk smashes it with a hammer.Music re-starts. A beat as Clerk begins to do a typing task on her computer and John watches for a bit.)

JOHN I didn’t mean to make your job harder than it needs to, I just– CLERK AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS MY JOB EXACTLY! (Music cuts. CLERK points to the nametag they are wearing.)

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CLERK No really, literally, actually. I mean it, I can’t read so well upside down.

JOHN That writing is small (Music re-starts, reading CLERK’s pin) “Receptionist, Scheduler, Office Manager, Death Certificate Scanner, Death Certificate Processor, Death Certificate Writer, Grief Counselor, Accountant, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Turns On The Fire and Out The Lights, Mother Bear, First Person to Arrive and Last Person to Leave, Body Tagger, Corpse Writer, Soul laborer, Urn Labeler, Your First Crush, Last Love, The One That Got Away, Accidental One Night Stand and Loyal Wife, ABC. DEF (JOHN squints deeper) Answerer of the Phone.” Wow. Is there anything you don’t do?

(Music cuts) CLERK Maintenance.

(At this point JANITOR will make their way across the stage with a large water jug. He will take the old water jug from the cooler and replace it with a new one. No music.

This takes as long as it takes. Music-restarts on the JANITOR’s exit.)

JOHN I’d like to schedule a cremation CLERK For your dad JOHN Yeah CLERK I upset you JOHN YouCLERK You’re upset JOHN Hm. I wasn’t able to access the word upset. To put the feeling upset. Into words. Into word And that word being the word “Upset.” I couldn’t label it that way, no. But I can now– Thank you.

CLERK No problem.

JOHN You saved me a lot of time 15

CLERK And introspection! I’m sorry you’re upset.

JOHN Sorry?

CLERK Sorry JOHN I think…I upset you to. So, actually, I’m sorry.

CLERK Sorry JOHN Sorry CLERK Sorry.

JOHN I’m sorry CLERK I’m sorry JOHN Yeah, but I’m so sorry!

(Music begins to slow over the next bit, John and Clerk continue improvising their sorries til the music is completely gone) CLERK SorrJOHN Do you like what you do?

CLERK It’s living JOHN You mean “a” living

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CLERK Sure JOHN Do you like what you do?

CLERK Yes. (With the “Yes” the Janitor flips a lever and it turns on the sign that says Denial. The music re-starts) JOHN Good. That’s good. I would hate for you to get… burnt out. Get it? Burnt out at the crematorium?(JOHN begins to laugh) Burnt out?! Get it? GET IT? Burnt out at the crematorium.

Oh c’mon, c’mon! It’s funny! It’s funNY why aren’t we laughing! I think it’s hilarious.

CLERK It’s a dad joke JOHN And my dad’s dead (Music cuts. JOHN laughing turns to yelling turns to tears turns to laughing turns to yelling and back. Once he’s “done,” The music comes back) JOHN Please M’am.

CLERK Don’t M’am me– JOHN I didn’t come to make your job harder CLERK And I am not here to make your life easier JOHN I don’t know what to say CLERK Then stand there and be quiet JOHN But I feel…what was it? upstairs? Upsurd?

CLERK Upset 17