(Music cuts. Music restarts.)
JOHN I would like to request a thing. A cremation.
CLERK
And you can do that. You certainly can do that. In the exact way that I want you to do that.
JOHN Which is online–
CLERK
You’re catching up.
(Phone rings. Music cuts. Clerk silences the phone. Music re-starts.)
JOHN M’am…Sorry, may I m’am you?
CLERK You may not–
JOHN Ma’am, I hear what you’re saying and I don’t like it.
CLERK
Had a hunch–
JOHN Don’t want to do it like that–
CLERK Had a feeling–
JOHN Want to do it right now–
CLERK In person–
JOHN Live and in my flesh–
CLERK Yes I could feel that–
JOHN Could you? Could you feel that?
CLERK
In my bones.
(Music cuts.)
JOHN So you’ll do it?
(Music re-starts)
CLERK
I guess my hands are tied!
JOHN By whom?
CLERK
I think you know–
JOHN By me–
CLERK
Yes, you’ve tied my hands–
JOHN They look like they are moving to me–
CLERK
Well, it’s more like my fingers
JOHN Your fingers?
CLERK
Like you’ve put a band around all my fingers
JOHN What kind of band?
(Music cuts. Clerk described the kind of band that is playing i.e. “two people, a guitar, a drummer…” etc. Band does a little: Ba-dum-dum-ch! Music restarts.)
JOHN I can see your hands moving–
CLERK and I can see your body leaving–
JOHN Mom— may I mom you?
CLERK
You may not
JOHN
Did you really believe you were gonna get rid of me so easily?
CLERK
Alas, I had hope–
JOHN (gasps) That’s not like you.
CLERK How can you tell?
JOHN Your short nails, your large water bottle, you barely looked up when I came in–
CLERK
I was engrossed. I was engorged. I was engrossed and engorged.
JOHN In what?
CLERK Sorting
JOHN Sorting what?
CLERK
The living from the dead. (Phone rings.Music cuts. Clerk silences the phone. Music re-starts)
JOHN Have we met?
CLERK
Just a moment ago?
JOHN We know each other?
CLERK From where?
JOHN A different life?
CLERK
I don’t believe in that?
JOHN Me either?
CLERK: Yes. You only get one chance and one life.
JOHN You only live O.
CLERK You only LO
JOHN
YO, live once! (Music cuts.) YO gotta live for once!
(Ba-dum-dum-ch! Phone rings. Clerk silences. Music starts.)
CLERK
You really had to come in and“ma’am me” for a favor? I was really ready to give you the gift of the doubt.
JOHN You mean benefit.
CLERK I mean benedict–
JOHN Eggs
CLERK
The Eggs Benedict of the Doubt.
JOHN The Arnold Benedict of the Doubt.
CLERK
I am a hopeless person, normally, but was ready to betray my hopeless nature.
JOHN (gasps) You weren’t.
CLERK
I was! I was ready to have hope that you’d turn around and walk your sweaty little self out that door and then I could finish up the lists I was engrossed and engorged in throw out my little oldy moldy lady lordy lunch in that fridge back there and go home early–
JOHN What do you like to do when you go home early?
CLERK
I tend to my garden.
JOHN Aww Awww, that’s sweet–
CLERK
I tend to tend to my garden.
JOHN What do you tend to intend to grow?
CLERK
I tend to grow peas and tomatoes and beans on a trellis. I grow carrots, and marigolds, eggplant aka aubergine/peppers, hot peppers, watermelon, hot watermelon, stracciatella, spanakopita, oregano, portobellos, puerta vallarta–
JOHN
Can I say something here? Can I put a few words into the universe? Can I get a single word in and will you let me usher it into edgewise?
CLERK
Daffodils, sunflowers, other herbs–
JOHN
Just one word, please?
CLERK and a single potato…Fine. One word. Go:
JOHN Hurry.
CLERK What?
JOHN
If you hurry this along you could get to your garden!
CLERK
Don’t talk about my garden–
JOHN
To your peas your tomatoes and your beans on a trellis/, carrots, and marigolds, eggplant aka aubergine, peppers, hot peppers, watermelon, hot watermelon, stracciatella, spanakopita, oregano, portabello.
CLERK
DON’T TALK ABOUT MY GARDEN DON’T TALK ABOUT MY GARDEN DON’T TALK ABOUT MY GARDEN THAT’S MY GARDEN AND MY ONE AND ONLY MY GARDEN.
(Music cuts. Phone rings. Clerk silences it. Music re-starts.)
CLERK What do you do?
JOHN For life
CLERK For a living
JOHN To live?
CLERK On earth.
JOHN I’m a–
CLERK Wait! I know
JOHN Then say CLERK us both
JOHN count of 9
JOHN AND CLERK
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8…..9: I’m/You’re a professional pain the butthole
CLERK Yeah!
JOHN Hey! Nice!
(JOHN and CLERK high five.Music cuts. Lights shift. CLERK grabs JOHN'S hand.)
CLERK (menacing)
How would you …like it …If …I showed up to your job- your job as a Professional Pain in the Butthole. And made it hard to be a. Professional Pain in the Butthole. Like what if I showed up and when I did. I had one hand outstretched towards you in love. But then in my other hand.In my other hand. Which is behind my back.I had a novelty sized bath stopper Or giant soup pot lid-
JOHN
You’re hurting me–
CLERK
Or really just like the biggest giant-est butt plug in the world. A butt plug for a giant. A giant whose into long, looooong sessions of passive anal play and–And then when you weren’t looking.I just took the bath stopper Or the giant soup pot lid.Or giant’s butt plug and…what if I just stuffed you with something so large that it was hard to be your Professional…Paininthe…Butthole… Self!
(Music re-starts, hesitantly)
JOHN
That would suck
CLERK
It would. It would, wouldn’t it!
JOHN
Yeah I mean a butthole that’s stopped up isn’t a butthole at all! It’s just at that point…Well, it’s just a. Butt. And that’s the OPPOSITE of what I am. That’s not my job at all!
(Phone rings. Clerk smashes it with a hammer.Music re-starts. A beat as Clerk begins to do a typing task on her computer and John watches for a bit.)
JOHN
I didn’t mean to make your job harder than it needs to, I just–
CLERK AND WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS MY JOB EXACTLY!
(Music cuts. CLERK points to the nametag they are wearing.)
CLERK
No really, literally, actually. I mean it, I can’t read so well upside down.
JOHN
That writing is small (Music re-starts, reading CLERK’s pin) “Receptionist, Scheduler, Office Manager, Death Certificate Scanner, Death Certificate Processor, Death Certificate Writer, Grief Counselor, Accountant, Elizabeth Kubler Ross, Turns On The Fire and Out The Lights, Mother Bear, First Person to Arrive and Last Person to Leave, Body Tagger, Corpse Writer, Soul laborer, Urn Labeler, Your First Crush, Last Love, The One That Got Away, Accidental One Night Stand and Loyal Wife, ABC. DEF (JOHN squints deeper) Answerer of the Phone.” Wow. Is there anything you don’t do?
(Music cuts)
CLERK Maintenance.
(At this point JANITOR will make their way across the stage with a large water jug. He will take the old water jug from the cooler and replace it with a new one. No music. This takes as long as it takes. Music-restarts on the JANITOR’s exit.)
JOHN
I’d like to schedule a cremation
CLERK
For your dad
JOHN Yeah
CLERK I upset you
JOHN You-
CLERK You’re upset
JOHN
Hm. I wasn’t able to access the word upset. To put the feeling upset. Into words. Into word And that word being the word “Upset.” I couldn’t label it that way, no. But I can now–Thank you.
CLERK No problem.
JOHN
You saved me a lot of time
CLERK
And introspection! I’m sorry you’re upset.
JOHN Sorry?
CLERK Sorry
JOHN I think…I upset you to. So, actually, I’m sorry.
CLERK Sorry
JOHN Sorry
CLERK Sorry
JOHN I’m sorry
CLERK I’m sorry
JOHN Yeah, but I’m so sorry!
(Music begins to slow over the next bit, John and Clerk continue improvising their sorries til the music is completely gone)
CLERK Sorr-
JOHN Do you like what you do?
CLERK It’s living
JOHN You mean “a” living
CLERK Sure
JOHN
Do you like what you do?
CLERK
Yes.
(With the “Yes” the Janitor flips a lever and it turns on the sign that says Denial. The music re-starts)
JOHN
Good. That’s good. I would hate for you to get… burnt out. Get it? Burnt out at the crematorium?(JOHN begins to laugh) Burnt out?! Get it? GET IT? Burnt out at the crematorium. Oh c’mon, c’mon! It’s funny! It’s funNY why aren’t we laughing! I think it’s hilarious.
CLERK
It’s a dad joke
JOHN And my dad’s dead
(Music cuts. JOHN laughing turns to yelling turns to tears turns to laughing turns to yelling and back. Once he’s “done,” The music comes back)
JOHN Please M’am.
CLERK
Don’t M’am me–
JOHN I didn’t come to make your job harder
CLERK
And I am not here to make your life easier
JOHN I don’t know what to say
CLERK
Then stand there and be quiet
JOHN But I feel…what was it? upstairs? Upsurd?
CLERK
Upset