THINK ACCIDENTS ARE
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Tflfe RoGu^A Assaulting Barnyard Animals Since 1920
Volume 80, Number 15
March 29,2001
Mable Leaves Longwood to Launch Pro Wrestling Career DAWNKANEHL Flat on Her Back As most students and faculty know, Phyllis L. Mable will retire as Vice-President for StudentAffairsattheendofthe2001 spring semester. However, last week Ms. Mable came out with the shocking announcement that upon leaving Longwood, she will embark on a journey as a WWF wrestler. Ms. Mable will adopt 'the name, "Mable the Pool Table," and will be touted as The Rock's love interest in the ring. "Mable the Table" for short, will join a long list of famous wrestlers, such as Chyna, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock, and The Undertaker. When asked how she plans to prepare for this new strenuous job, Mable the Table replied that students can find her pumping iron in the gym for several hours
She also has been training with Long wood's wrestling team and practicing her moves. "Oh, boy," she chuckles, "You should see me take out those frat boys who think they're so tough! My sleeper will take anyone down!" She benches about 200 pounds right now, and says her biceps and abs have much more definition. WWF officials say they haye many plans for this new addition to the ring. A new ad campaign featuring Phyllis Mable scantily clad in blue leather (similar to ■
Chyna) will appear on many networks. The ads will feature Ms. Mable with The Rock and the slo-
Photo by Kevin Bopp gan, "Watch out for Mable the Pool Table! She'll suck her eight ball in your corner pocket before you know it!" And then The Rock,
after giving her a big kiss, shouts, "And guys, watch those cue sucks!" When asked if she is intimidated by the hulking figures of the WWF pros, Mable the Table says the she and The Rock actually go back a long way. " O h yes, The Rock actually attended Longwood College for a semester and he was very involved in student activities. But I'm afraid he had a little too much aggression for the Longwood faculty and was asked to leave. But we always kept in
touch. He really helped me when I told him I wanted into the ring." Mable the Table will rival Chyna as the sex symbol of the WWF. "I'm almost as buff as Chyna," says Mable, "but I think I have a much sleeker and more physically appealing physique." It will be up to the viewers to decide. WWF will host a series of votes on its website, WWF.com, asking viewers to vote for either Chyna or Mable the Table. The winner will be featured in a Smackdown! Fight arid will win a $500,000 bonus. In addition to her busy days at WWF, Mable the Table will moonlight for the struggling XFL football league, in an attempt to boost their ratings. "I think I want to go head to head with Jesse Ventura," she states. And the students at Longwood will place their bets with "Mable the Table."
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Ducharme to Return Rotunda Staff Member Arrested Thanks to Loophole for Sexually Assaulting a Bovine JARmVtiDERVfOOD "If« * surprising to me at it is to anyone else," said Colin Ducharme Friday after finding out that due to a loophole in Division nwttiJifions, he is still allowed another year of athletic eligibility. "Ifi a pleasant surprise to all of us," commented Athletic Director Don Lemish According to Lemish, mere seems to be a rule in Division TJ athletics that allow a player that has transferred from Division I school an extra year ofeligibi! Assistant coach Mark HoMetter found this rule and promptly let die existence of the rale be known to coach Mike
"We are extremely excited about having Colin back for one more season, especially with the graduation of Jay Louden, Isaac Laney, and B.J. Buford," said coach Mike Leeder. "Hopefully he can give us as great an effort next season as he did this past year, which I fully expect he can." It will be hard for Colin to improve much more over his efforts from this past year, in which he led the team in virtually every statistical category except for scoring. The return of Ducharme means that the Lancers will be able to keep their entire starting line-up intact from mis past season. It's always a plus to have someone with the caliber of a Colin Ducharme on your team,"
-J-r amt Hm I #mi<h krrryrtt.
ing to Hottetter, the rule is ldomly osed because rarely k than a need for it because there limpty are not players in the same situation at Ducharme.
Boyd. "It can only help our chances in bettering ourselves as a team and individually."
See DUCHARME p. 5
PETA BOVINE All Fours In a college student's world of drinking, drugs, and casual sex, it is disturbing to think that men would actually go to places other than Stubbs or Wheeler for their "pleasures." Sadly, though, it was one of our own reporters that made such a mistake. While we at The Rotunda are unhappy with this turn of events, we still feel it our duty to the students, faculty, and adminstration to report on it While cruising the mean streets of Farmville not too long ago, Jared Underwood was caught on film sexually assault;#•« • ccs* thst ^*— !t?f?di??— i^ front of a local business. The cow offered no protest that we are aware of. but the police were called to the scene not long after the picture was taken.
Screaming his innocence, the bovine molester was taken to the Farmville Municipal Jail where he still resides awaiting trial. Unfortunately, the photog-
Photo by: Kim Urann rapher will be forced to testify against one of her staff. She says, "I am very upset with Jared for rt>i«— r»mn»nt ahnw There will he .r consequences for bis actions." The arresting cop, Officer Barbrady, was just as bewildered as the rest of the college and town when he got to the scene of the
crime. "We all know bout stumptrained cows, but most folks round here aren't so danged obvious bout it. This is a damned shameful thing for the community. Damned shameful." When asked to speculate what may have caused the deviant behavior in such an upstanding citizen, Barbrady replied, "Well, he was having some difficulties with a gal friend of his. 'Parently she was less than satisfying." Underwood, though, claims a different story about his reasons for the assault "It was there." he said. "I couldn't resist." The trial is set to take place on Tuesday. May 8, at 1:30 p.m. in the Price Edward County Courthouse and is open to the public.