BULLETIN ISSUE 24: Winter 2019
STATE OF THE NATION – FROM A MILE UP! By Tony Egan
I may have the look of an old bull these days, but I can assure you there is a sensitive young bull inside wondering what the hell happened to my world. When did the sheep jokes stop being funny…except in Australia? When did everything become 50 shades of grey? When did our industry become too big for the climate? Ten years ago the only thing worse than a pale stale male was a mad cow, which you could argue balances the argument to some extent. These days it turns out the cows were more to blame than we thought, and the economy is in fact a wholly owned subsidiary of the environment. It’s looking pretty bleak for all of us except the whales ... and it’s not all gin and tonic for them either since the ice started melting. This dilemma is worthy of an expletive, but before you respond with one F word, let me introduce you to another, flexitarian. This panacea involves less meat and half the fun but is apparently going to save the world. An impossible situation I agree, made worse by Mohamad Ali ‘impossibility is just someone’s opinion, not a fact’ and the evidence is an ‘Impossible Burger’. This Synthetic Food makes the extraordinary seem ordinary, turning Frankenstein into Langbein. They’re fighting dirty, telling us its clean … antimicrobial, carbon friendly, healthy for rivers and sustainably synthetic. However, meat lovers are not taking
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this lying down. First the ties came off, then the suits, and now it’s ‘taste pure nature’. We have gone a la natural … in tune with mother nature, and there’s no uranium on our breath. This meat lovers rebellion resembles a 60’s revival group … first stop California – where grass is now legal and ours is being peddled pure ‘clean and green’, with just a sprinkle of palm kernel. It’s positively edible, it’s got intrinsic attributes with label claims that will blow your mind and even better or … is that worse … it’s good for you. The hippies are now greenies, they hug trees instead of each other, in a world full of alternatives we have found a ‘conscious foodie’, and we plan to milk them faster than a dairy cocky at dawn. With all this hot air, it’s little wonder that things have got a little over heated in mother nature’s kitchen. The gas is escaping at an alarming rate, and the words ‘pardon me’ will no longer suffice. Jacinda has laid down the gauntlet to Donald, and he is tweeting back, ‘can I have a burger with those fries’, to which she cries we’re ‘not the best country in the world, but the best country for the world’. We must ‘lead follow or get out of the way’ … or in the case of China, Huawei … and that means making things 10% smaller, including methane. The primary industries great minds have heard this rallying cry: The wine guys felt we were all in silos … but did point out that this was not necessarily a bad thing in their industry!
Some in the forestry sector thought the urban/rural divide was a fire break and are still trying to work out how global warming manages to get across! The seafood team felt rather cool having admitted they weren’t perfect in an ad campaign! The dairy guys liked the idea of having Ritchie on their team … didn’t he retire?! And the meat industry guys … well these big boys came dressed as inspector Clouseo and kept saying ‘Amberger’ … when the rest of us were trying to add value! All very helpful stuff … when your bach is on the front lines … Unfortunately, since that episode of the Simpsons where Mr Burns ate the three-eyed fish, nobody seems to believe us anymore. They just want their healthy rivers back. Everyone can see horizon one … and the taller ones can totally see horizon two … they’re telling us that horizon three could end up somewhere between Mad Max and the Martian. They think the affable Mr Magoo has been doing a better job when it comes to a clear vision for the future. Clearly, we need to come up with NZ’s unique position, perhaps something that can drive us forward together. A story that resonates both at home and abroad that our descendants will talk about for decades to come. In short, we need to collaborate more vigorously than we ever have before. And, we need to be more fertile... continued on page 3