Not Ours

WRITTEN, DESIGNED, AND ILLUSTRATED BY GRACE

GOERS

4

Copyright © 2022 Grace Goers.

All rights reserved. This book or parts thereof may not be reproduced in any form, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means— electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise—without prior written permission of the publisher, except as provided by United States of America copyright law.

For permission requests, write to the publisher, at “Attention: Permissions Coordinator,” at the address below.

All photos are property Grace Elizabeth Goers, courtesy of my iPhone Camera, Facebook, and the scanners in the library of London College of Communication.

Printed by Grace Goers, Inc., in the United Kingdom.

First printing, 2022.

Grace Goers Publishing 7A Stockwell Green London, UK, SW9 9JF

www.graceelizabethdesign.com

DESPAIR 2

Love set you going like a fat gold watch. The midwife slapped your footsoles, and your bald cry Took its place among the elements.

Our voices echo, magnifying your arrival. New statue. In a drafty museum, your nakedness Shadows our safety. We stand round blankly as walls.

I’m no more your mother Than the cloud that distills a mirror to reflect its own slow Effacement at the wind’s hand.

All night your moth-breath Flickers among the flat pink roses. I wake to listen: A far sea moves in my ear.

One cry, and I stumble from bed, cow-heavy and floral

In my Victorian nightgown. Your mouth opens clean as a cat’s. The window square

Whitens and swallows its dull stars. And now you try Your handful of notes; The clear vowels rise like balloons.

Sylvia Plath (1960)

Morning Song

If I Ever Was a Child

Wilco (2016)

I’ve never been alone Long enough to know If I ever was a child

I was tied up like a boat On a button like a coat Set free for the wild I’d jump to jolt my clumsy blood While my white, green eyes Cry like a windowpane Can my cold heart change Even out of spite?

I saw Behind my brain A haunted stain It never fades I hunt

For the kind of pain I can take

And I cry like a windowpane Can my cold heart change Overnight?

So I won’t ever want to touch Your heart too much Or hold you too tight

I saw Behind my brain A haunted stain It never fades I hunt

For the kind of pain I can take

I never was alone Long enough to know If I ever was a child

Every time I drive up on 53 I’m seeing sideways up ahead of me There’s little lakes, there’s little fountains There’s little molehills made out of mountains There’s little prayers that I perceive hm mhm

Every time I drive up on 54

It goes past Mick’s and Dick’s general store There goes the signal and it’s miles There goes way Half a mile later, a Winnebago, an Econoline up aways I know the exit and the used to swim out in the sun We were swimmin’ under heaven We were too young to have been unforgiven Who you to listen? Who are you to care? Just someone who knows me from anywhere Where do we come from out of thin air? I hear you whisper in the back of my hair Every time I drive up on 53 I’m seeing sideways up ahead of me There’s little lakes, there’s little fountains There’s little molehills made out of mountains There’s little prayers that I perceive Every time I drive up on 54 It goes past Mick’s and Dick’s general store There goes the signal and it’s dropped for miles There goes the static at the top of the dial Every wild man screamed it By only a hundred years, away now Who am I to witness? Who am I to see? Who am I to notice which way a tree Falling alone falls silently? Half a mile later, just past the sign There’s a Winnebago, an Econoline I smell the lake on up aways I know the parking place We used to swim out in the sun We were swimmin’ out there under heaven We were to listen? Who are you to care? Just someone who knows me from anywhere Where do we come from on 54 It goes past Mick’s and Dick’s general store There goes the signal and it’s dropped for miles There now Who am I to witness? Who am I to see? Who am I to notice which way a tree Falling alone falls I know the exit and the parking place We used to swim out in the sun We were swimmin’ out there someone who knows me from anywhere Where do we come from out of thin air? I hear you whisper there’s little fountains There’s little molehills made out of mountains There’s little prayers that it’s dropped for miles There goes the static at the top of the dial Every wild man screamed a tree Falling alone falls silently? Half a mile later, just past the sign There’s a Winnebago, the sun We were swimmin’ out there under heaven We were too young to have been do we come from out of thin air? I hear you whisper in the back of my hair for miles There goes the static at the top of the dial Every wild man screamed

it’s dropped for goes the static at the top of the dial Every wild man screamed it By only a hundred years, away now Who am I to witness? Who am I to see? Who am I to notice which way a tree Falling alone falls silently? later, just past the sign There’s Econoline I smell the lake on parking place We swimmin’ out there Who are from silently? know the exit and were too young to have been unforgiven Who are you out of thin air? I hear you whisper in the back of my hair Every time I drive up There goes the static at the top of the dial Every wild man screamed it By only a hundred years, away silently? Half a mile later, just past the sign There’s a Winnebago, an Econoline I smell the lake on up aways there under heaven We were too young to have been unforgiven Who are you to listen? Who are you to care? Just whisper in the back of my hair Every time I drive up on 53 I’m seeing sideways up ahead of me There’s little lakes, that I perceive Every time I drive up on 54 It goes past Mick’s and Dick’s general store There goes the signal and screamed it By only a hundred years, away now Who am I to witness? Who am I to see? Who am I to notice which way Winnebago, an Econoline I smell the lake on up aways I know the exit and the parking place We used to swim out in been unforgiven Who are you to listen? Who are you to care? Just someone who knows me from anywhere Where Every time I drive up on 54 It goes past Mick’s and Dick’s general store There goes the signal and it’s dropped screamed it By only a hundred years, away now Who am I to witness? Who am I to see? Who am I to notice which

In This Short Life That Only Lasts an Hour

Emily Dickinson (1865)

In this short Life That only lasts an hour How much - how little - is Within our power

Dragon New Warm Mountain I Believe in You

Big Thief (2022)

It’s a little bit magic Like a river of morning geese In the new warm mountain Where the stone face forms and speaks

I believe in you Even when you need to Recoil

When the topsoil Is kicking up into the storm And the dust goes dancing And a billion planets are born

I believe in you Even when you need to Recoil

Just like that The moon goes flat Big lights in the city shine Crying out Take me to the limits of your love

There’s a dragon in the phone line Coughing up a mighty flame With a tongue of silver, silver Calling out my oldest name

She says, “Hey, you Do you remember me too?” We were coiling

It’s a little bit magic Magic A little bit magic Magic

This Eve of Parting

John Hartford (1968)

It’s hard to think this eve of parting Turns to sand of summer gone When both our minds are warped with parting

Break the thought of nights alone

Maybe I should turn in silence Tell myself I didn’t care Curse the thought of your existence Loving every flaxen hair

Flesh cries out, “Don’t move don’t leave me” Conscience runs till out of breath Sunrise pregnant with your leaving Creeping in like certain death

The pattern of the bird of love That’s wheelin’ on its dizzy way Tears me down to basic sorrow Useless for another day

It’s hard to think this eve of parting Turns to sand of summer gone When both our minds are warped with parting Break the thought of nights alone

Flesh cries out, “Don’t move don’t leave me” Conscience runs till out of breath Sunrise pregnant with your leaving Creeping in like certain death

Summer’s end is around the bend just flying The swimming suits are on the line just drying I’ll meet you there per our conversation I hope I didn’t ruin your whole vacation

Well you never know how far from home you’re feeling Until you watch the shadows cross the ceiling Well I don’t know but I can see it snowing In your car the windows are wide open

Come on home Come on home No you don’t have to be alone Just come on home

Valentines break hearts and minds at random That ol’ Easter egg ain’t got a leg to stand on

Well I can see that you can’t win for trying And New Year’s Eve is bound to leave you crying

Come on home Come on home No you don’t have to be alone Just come on home

The moon and stars hang out in bars just talking I still love that picture of us walking Just like that ol’ house we thought was haunted Summer’s end came faster than we wanted

Come on home Come on home No you don’t have to be alone Come on home Come on home No you don’t have to be alone Just come on home

Summer’s End John Prine (2018)

d e s p a i r

2

25

Come, come thou bleak December Wind Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1988)

Come, come thou bleak December wind, And blow the dry leaves from the tree! Flash, like a Love-thought, thro’ me, Death And take a Life that wearies me.

Skin & Bones

The Sundays (1990)

You know, and I’ve been wondering You know, all the way home Whether the world will see I’m a better man than others by far You know, I’ve had it so good How loathsome, and not quite my style Work and vanity wasted my time inside Oh, you see me in a cardigan And a dress, dress, dress that I’ve been sick on

Oh how are you Can’t say I really care at the end of it all Actually, oh, well there’s something I’ve found It’s that we’re just flesh and blood And well, now, just one thing I’ve found It’s that we’re just flesh and blood

And you know, and I’ve been wondering You know, all the way home Whether the world will see I’m a better man than others by far

Oh how are you I shan’t say I really care at the end of it all Actually oh, there is something I’ve found It’s that we’re just flesh and blood Well, now, there’s one thing I’ve found It’s that we’re just skin and bones Actually oh, there’s something I’ve found It’s that we’re just flesh and blood And you’re nothing much more There’s something, just something I’ve found It’s that we’re just flesh and blood And we’re nothing much more

Oh no, what did I do wrong Individual doubts Just one thing I’ve found We’re just flesh and blood Nothing much more Something, just something I’ve found That we’re skin and bones

Making a Fist

Naomi Shihab Nye (1988)

We forget that we are all dead men conversing with dead men.

—Jorge Luis Borges

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico, I felt the life sliding out of me, a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear. I was seven, I lay in the car watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern past the glass. My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.

“How do you know if you are going to die?” I begged my mother. We had been traveling for days. With strange confidence she answered, “When you can no longer make a fist.”

Years later I smile to think of that journey, the borders we must cross separately, stamped with our unanswerable woes.

I who did not die, who am still living, still lying in the backseat behind all my questions, clenching and opening one small hand.

Freedom will not come Today, this year Nor ever

Through compromise and fear.

I have as much right As the other fellow has To stand

On my two feet And own the land.

I tire so of hearing people say, Let things take their course. Tomorrow is another day.

I do not need my freedom when I’m dead. I cannot live on tomorrow’s bread.

Freedom

Is a strong seed Planted

In a great need.

I live here, too. I want my freedom

Just as you.

Claude McKay (1919)

If We Must Die

If we must die, let it not be like hogs

Hunted and penned in an inglorious spot, While round us bark the mad and hungry dogs, Making their mock at our accursèd lot.

If we must die, O let us nobly die, So that our precious blood may not be shed In vain; then even the monsters we defy Shall be constrained to honor us though dead! O kinsmen! we must meet the common foe!

Though far outnumbered let us show us brave, And for their thousand blows deal one death-blow! What though before us lies the open grave?

Like men we’ll face the murderous, cowardly pack, Pressed to the wall, dying, but fighting back!

Beautiful The Lemon Twigs (2017)

He imagines his life in a stream What he sees are minnows which flinch with each drop of the rain

He concludes that it all is a dream Can’t accept that sometimes a life is just destined for pain

I can’t do anything I am nothing Our lives are meaningless Swim in the sunshine

Hanging onto the films in his eyes

Undermines his beauty he’s capable of seeing more Cooling downpour, please wash me away

And I find I’m no one, I’m feeling more love than before

I can’t do anything I am nothing Our lives are meaningless Swim in the sunshine

I can’t do anything I am nothing Our lives are meaningless Swim in the sunshine

I am nothing I’m no one It’s wonderful

I am nothing I’m no one It’s wonderful

Beautiful

The Lemon Twigs (2017)

He imagines his life in a stream What he sees are minnows which flinch with each drop of the rain

He concludes that it all is a dream Can’t accept that sometimes a life is just destined for pain

I can’t do anything I am nothing Our lives are meaningless Swim in the sunshine

Hanging onto the films in his eyes Undermines his beauty he’s capable of seeing more Cooling downpour, please wash me away And I find I’m no one, I’m feeling more love than before

I can’t do anything I am nothing Our lives are meaningless Swim in the sunshine

I can’t do anything I am nothing Our lives are meaningless Swim in the sunshine

I am nothing I’m no one It’s wonderful

I am nothing I’m no one It’s wonderful

Waking, you sag. Fatigue is different: the body, like steps receding in a hallway lined with shoes, ignores all invitations. Now—a concept without edges, without relief—you live in frozen violence, like two stags twinned by antlers. You are an eye paralyzed in mid-blink. You : you are always a hero in The History of Ideas. But your bed runs north and south in a room whose length runs east and west, and you notice such things, and there is no joy in them.

It is not that you know too much, for the earth whirs under you imperceptibly, turning, and we must shift for ourselves. It is the stifle, the sludge, the tongue with its surface pebbled like a basketball’s. Courage is necessary to begin; finally, you need I know how you feel , offers the Red There’s little I can do to

24hr Video (2022)

to Touch Dea dAnim als Bu t

I will not Get out of bed and live today I think I will waste away and die Please don’t look me in the eye Clean my room Pick my garbage off the floor, anything to not feel bored anymore Anymore

Peekaboo

I am living in your walls, dragging chains across the halls

Watching television sitcoms Why don’t I go for a walk Why I don’t I get in my car, see the sun and moon and stars

I would get up off my bed

For good

I’ll try again some day When I can stay awake I am so weak and smooth I am plastic, so melt me as you do

I’ll try again some day When I can stay awake I am so smooth so sweet I am plastic stuck inside a fuse

I want you to know He’s not coming back Look into my eyes I’m not coming back

So knives out Catch the mouse Don’t look down Shove it in your mouth

If you’d been a dog They would’ve drowned you at birth Look into my eyes It’s the only way you’ll know I’m telling the truth

So knives out Cook him up Squash his head Put him in the pot

I want you to know He’s not coming back He’s bloated and frozen Still there’s no point in letting it go to waste

So knives out Catch the mouse Squash his head Put him in the pot

Knives Out Radiohead (2001)

Eternal Life

Jeff Buckley (1994)

Eternal life is now on my trail

Got my red glitter coffin, man, just need one last nail While all these ugly gentlemen play out their foolish games There’s a flaming red horizon that screams our names

And as your fantasies are broken in two Did you really think this bloody road would pave the way for you? You better turn around and blow your kiss hello to life eternal, Angel

Racist everyman, what have you done? Man, you’ve made a killer of your unborn son Oh crown my fear your king at the point of a gun All I want to do is love everyone

And as your fantasies are broken in two Did you really think this bloody road would pave the way for you? You better turn around and blow your kiss hello to life eternal

There’s no time for hatred, only questions What is love, where is happiness, what is life, where is peace? When will I find the strength to bring me release?

Tell me where is the love in what your prophet has said? Man, it sounds to me just like a prison for the walking dead I’ve got a message for you and your twisted hell You better turn around and blow your kiss goodbye to life eternal, Angel

Epilogue

The Antlers (2009)

In a nightmare

I am falling from the ceiling into bed beside you You’re asleep I’m screaming, shoving you to try to wake you up And like before You’ve got no interest in the life you live when you’re awake Your dreams still follow storylines Like fictions you would make

So I lie down against your back Until we’re both back in the hospital But now it’s not a cancer ward We’re sleeping in the morgue Men and women in blue and white They are singing all around you With heavy shovels holding earth You’re being buried to your neck In that hospital bed Being buried quite alive now I’m trying to dig you out But all you want is to be buried there together

You’re screaming And cursing And angry And hurting me And then smiling And crying Apologizing

I’ve woken up, I’m in our bed But there’s no breathing body there beside me Someone must have taken you while I was stuck asleep But I know better as my eyes adjust You’ve been gone for quite awhile now

And I don’t work there in the hospital They had to let me go When I try to move my arms sometimes They weigh too much to lift I think you buried me awake My one and only parting gift But you return to me at night Just when I think I may have fallen asleep Your face is up against mine And I’m too terrified to speak

You’re screaming And cursing And angry And hurting me And then smiling And crying Apologizing