Booklet layout 4

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 1

M O U N T TO W N N E I G H B O U R H O O D Y O U T H A N D FA M I LY P R O J E C T

Building Skills WORKING WITH CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE

A RESOURCE BOOK FOR PARENTS, CAREGIVERS AND VOLUNTEERS Supported By

By Margaret Beaumont and Mary Cullen

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 2

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 3

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 4

FUNDING Published with funding from the EU Commission to celebrate the year of the volunteer by Mounttown Neighbourhood Youth and Family Project Monkstown Farm, Dunlaoghaire, Co. Dublin.

MarGaret BeaUMoNt Margaret Beaumont comes from a social work background and has previously worked in the field of fostering in the Fostering Resource Group of the former Eastern Health Board. She has an M.Sc.in Child and Adolescent Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy. She is a Marte Meo therapist and supervisor.

Currently she works as a psychotherapist, as a consultant and provides training on Attachment and Child Development issues to foster parents, social workers, childcare workers, residential staff caring for children and to prospective inter-country adopters. She provides support and training to people who have adopted children from other countries.

Mary CUlleN Mary Cullen is a social worker, psychoanalytic psychotherapist and Marte Meo therapist. She has recently completed a M.Sc. in group analytic psychotherapy. She previously worked in the Fostering Resource Group of the Eastern Health Board as a social worker and trainer. She is Project Manager of Mounttown Neighbourhood Youth and Family Project

MoUNttowN NeIGhBoUrhooD yoUth aND FaMIly ProjeCt Mounttown Neighbourhood Youth and Family Project based in the grounds of Holy Family Primary School supports 50 young people (aged 0-18) in families, in their early infancy, pre-school or school-aged social and emotional development.

this booklet originated in a training delivered by Nessie Bayley, Child Care Consultant, BaaF (British agency for adoption and Fostering) in 1986 to social workers in the then eastern health Board, which has been developed and extended over the years and delivered to professionals, volunteers, parents and caregivers in many different settings by Margaret Beaumont and Mary Cullen. It is designed to accompany the Course; ‘Building Skills in working with Children and young People’.

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 1

BUILDING SKILLS IN WORKING WITH CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE COURSE CONTENT AND DESCRIPTION the course is about babies / toddlers / children / adolescents and their mothers / fathers / caretakers. we show through the use of film and discussion how babies can be supported to grow and develop as active, curious persons seeking relationships and feeling connected to others including their friends. the development that takes place in the first 33 months (including 9 months in the womb!) has a major influence on how our children will experience the world and lays the foundation for their future learning.

For this reason we emphasise how best to support babies and take this as a model for supporting children in their on-going stages of their development. we will introduce words such as: attaChMeNt

attUNeMeNt

reGUlatIoN

BraIN DeveloPMeNt

1

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 2

and will explain what these concepts mean in the context of parenting or that of offering support to parents. the Course is based on well researched theories of child development and we want to deliver it in a way that makes the learning accessible, experiential and fun. we particularly focus on the first two years (and 9 months in womb) of children’s growth and development as extensive research highlights these years as laying the strong foundation upon which the building blocks of the next developmental stages of toddlerhood, pre-school age, primary school age and adolescence will best thrive.

Babies have a little sensor in the front of their brain which picks up everything that is going on around them and gives them information about you, your family and the world. this sensor is called the orbito-frontal cortex of the brain and only develops after they are born so that they receive the information they need to adapt to your family. how their brain develops will impact on the way they see you and see the world.

2

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 3

DAy 1

SETTING A TONE AND ATmOSPHERE PHOTO-SPEAK we use a set of black and white photographs taken by Derek Spiers which show people in many differing situations.

WHy? we ask you to choose two photographs that say something, that in a way ‘speak’ to you. we ask you to use the photographs to introduce yourself, say something about how you are feeling right now coming on the course and what you would like to get from this training course. we work in a way which helps you to feel more comfortable and relaxed as it is not easy coming into a group. the atmosphere that we learn in is very important, just as the atmosphere that the baby experiences when he/she comes into the world will influence what he learns. a warm and accepting atmosphere facilitates learning. what is the atmosphere you are experiencing here right now? what are the ingredients of a positive atmosphere? Can you think about the atmosphere in your home? It varies all the time.

Babies are very sensitive to atmosphere and in the beginning they experience the world through their senses. ● Sight; notice their gaze when they connect with you and begin to distinguish your face. observe their growing ability to see other things having first learnt about your face and features including your eyes. this will enhance their visual understanding of the world. ● touch and movement; how you hold them in your arms, change them, walk them or rock them will influence the babies’ ideas about human contact and spatial awareness. how we handle the baby provides him/her with a sensation of pleasure and displeasure. It gives the baby a sense of where their body begins and ends and allows them to feel their body in the space around them. how they are touched will allow the babies to experience their feelings as they touch you ● taste; what you taste like when they want to eat you! the tastes of milk, food, and differing sensations of taste as their taste buds grow and develop contribute to their making sense of the world, of cause and effect, inside and outside. this is my body, this is you. If I am hungry and I eat something I begin to feel full ● Sounds; voices and the soothing tones we use to speak to them. everything they hear; sounds of music, chatter, the gurgling sounds of their bodies and all the sounds and tones around them in everyday life

3

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 4

● Smells; as adults we know how evocative smells are, this is magnified for babies in the smells both pleasant and unpleasant of everything they experience around them. ● the sixth sense of wonder and fun; how you play with them, talk to them and tell them stories develops the capacity for enjoyment and the imagination of children. Babies and children learn about the world through play. at night you can read stories, say nursery rhymes or make up a story about all the things that happened during the day including talking about feelings they might have felt. See what kind of stories they like and what seems to appeal to them.

ATTACHmENT CyClE we spend a great deal of time on the training course talking about the attachment cycle and how babies’ needs are met through the experience of someone helping to soothe them when they are overwhelmed by their feelings ● attachment is the deep and enduring biological, emotional and social connection caregivers and children establish very early on in life. the attachment relationship is the core of a child’s world and the foundation on which life is built. ● attunement; you can tune in to your baby/child to find out what they are feeling right now. we give clues about how to do this on the course. ● tuning in learning to be on our babies’ wavelength. Picking up their cues. Keeping the baby in our mind. observing the baby’s reactions noticing what’s going on for him / her. this helps the baby/child to tune in to what minds are about. In turn this helps the baby begin to organise himself / herself. helps to develop a sense of where he begins and ends. the baby experiences warmth / being fed when hungry / predictability / rhythmicity / time / beginning of language development / babbling / hearing songs / nursery rhymes / nonsense limericks / music / being rocked, walked / sensing the world around him / feeling soothed. ● regulating helping babies to regulate feelings which threaten to overwhelm them. this helps to bring them from a state of highly aroused emotion to a state of relaxation.

4

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 5

THE ATTACHmENT CyClE-HOW A bAby DEvElOPS TRUST IN THE WORlD.

AROUSAL-RELAXATION CYCLE (Vera Fahlberg) Emotionally Available Caregiver

AT

U

X

T

N EN

T

X

ATTACHMENT TRUST SECURITY PREDICTABILITY

4 5

6

7

8 9 10 11

12

‘INSIDE‛ OK FEELING WHICH LEADS TO SELF-WORTH

X

1 2 3

X

EM

This X sympolises the ‘model baby‛ from whom we learn

‘OUTSIDE‛ OK FEELING WHICH LEADS TO A BELIEF THAT THE WORLD IS A SECURE PLACE

ATTUNEmENT 1. Following baby’s / child’s initiatives (ideas) 2. Setting atmosphere and structure- making sure there is a beginning, middle and ending 3. Using appropriate tones 4. Gaze-encouraging but not forcing eye contact 5. X 4 (Child’s name, their initiatives, our initiatives, their emotions which

builds emotional scaffolding for them) 6. waiting for their response 7. yes-keep responses positive, in a ‘yes’ cycle – yes you can go out to play when you have done your homework 8. Make statements rather than ask questions 9. turn taking- make sure each person gets a turn

5

10. listen to what your child is saying, pay attention to the words they are using 11. Confirming them (in the moment) when they do what we ask them to do and giving praise 12. we are the role-models – children learn from what we do and say and the tones that we use

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 6

(These are the principles of the marte meo method-see appendix) ● responding to our babies in this way lays the foundation for a secure attachment. the child begins to find himself/herself as someone with thoughts and feelings/recognising himself/herself in someone else with whom they feel secure. By doing this you are promoting a secure attachment. ● Seeing it on Film. we use film of babies and toddlers with their parents/caretakers to show how children and babies experience the world and how they are cared for. ● helping children to regulate their feelings means using calming, soothing tones, the rhythm and cadence of our voice will help them to regulate their feelings and lay down the rhythm of language development.

REgUlATINg OUR OWN fEElINgS ● what do we do to help regulate our own feelings? you may be surprised as to how you do this on the course we discuss the many ways people have of regulating their emotions.

bAbIES AND TODDlERS NEED NURTURANCE ● warmth

● to be able to give as well as to receive

● Stimulation

● to learn how to play

● Sleep

● a trusted person who is physically and emotionally available to them

● Sensitivity in their handling

● “Minding” the baby in mind as well as in arms

● to begin to learn about limits ● Cleanliness

● Minding (thinking about the baby) and responding.

● Food given with love ● attention

6

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 7

PARENTINg how we were parented ourselves will have an impact on how we are as parents. Growing up we have learnt from our own experience and this is our blueprint for being a parent. None of us has had perfect parenting. there is no such thing as perfection (winnicott). Sometimes people think they have to have had a really good childhood to be a good parent- Not so! It is the insight, awareness and understanding that we develop into our own childhood experience both good and bad that will influence our own parenting. everyone has the capacity to make positive changes in the way in which they parent their children.

Can we be honest with ourselves as to the type of parent we are. what feelings are triggered for us when we are under pressure. Pay attention to the feeling because it will give you a clue to your experience but also to what your child may be feeling. what unfinished business is there from our own childhood? we may bring unresolved issues from our own childhood and think or act out of the feelings these parts of us bring up. when we think about this unfinished business we might feel we are being disloyal to our parents but life is complex and unpredictable and everyone, including our own parents has had the experience of being lost as well as being loved.

Sometimes in trying to correct things that we may think are not going well for our child we are really trying to correct some of our own unhappy experience left over from our own childhood. our child then is confused; who are we worrying about and why? are we then not accepting them as they are but instead imposing a view of them that does not fit for them. If you suspect you may be doing this talk to an adult you trust and try to separate out your feelings, worries and anxieties from those of your child’s.

Pick up how your child is feeling. Notice the feeling inside yourself and sometimes this will give you a clue. If he is feeling bad and can put his bad feeling into you and you can manage it without getting upset yourself this will really help him- you are tuning in and learning the skills of attunement.

ATTUNEmENT again! the more you can accept the child’s feeling in the moment and think about what that feeling is like for him/her the easier it will be for the child to handle that feeling particularly if it not a good one. attunement is the ability to be able to sense the baby’s feeling and your own. Sometimes we might think that our feeling is their feeling but we need to observe closely what is happening for them as this is not always the case. we need to learn to respond to the signals the baby sends as at this stage they don’t have words. learn from their gaze, their movements, their facial expressions and sounds. the intimate daily care that your baby and small children receive has a major influence on how their brain develops and how also how they begin to develop a sense of themselves and the world around them. their brain development in these early months is very dependent upon the quality of the relationships they experience. they need your help.

7

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 8

there are risk factors in your ability to promote trusting behaviours in your baby. we know that the more stresses you have in life such as money problems, addiction, depression, or violence in your family, the harder it is to tune in to your baby’s needs. these are some of the experiences that we bring to our parenting but we can manage to have insight into where our feelings are coming from and this will support us in our parenting. Sometimes there are hurts in our own attachment experience leading to a lack of trust. we can learn to recognise where our hurts are stemming from and there are many ways to repair these earlier difficulties.

lOvINg AND CARINg WATER on the course we demonstrate how hurts in our attachment experience may be defended against by using an exercise with water which shows in a symbolic way how children and adults may react to difficult life experiences. Parenting is not easy and everyone finds it hard to be “good enough” (winnicott) sometimes. our aim is to promote a deeper insight and understanding of how we can help to bring up children who thrive and gain further insight into how we experienced our own childhood.

ObjECT fROm CHIlDHOOD on the course we ask you to bring something from your own childhood, a photograph, an object or a particular smell or taste. this helps us to think about some of our childhood experiences and remember and perhaps get in touch with some of the feelings from the past.

8

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 9

DAy 2

CHILD DEvELOPmENT AND WORKING WITH THE SENSES on the training course we talk about child development and consider what behaviour is appropriate for each stage the child / young person is functioning at. what behaviours do you find difficult. all behaviour has a meaning and we can learn to figure out what the meaning is. what might be triggering the behaviour we find difficult? Is there an age at which you could accept this behaviour in your child? If so a good tip is that your child has gone back to that age in that moment of difficult behaviour. Can you react to them as if they were that age right now? this helps to change your perception and helps your child to feel understood. reacting in this way can have an impact even with teenagers

(and adults!!).

as teenagers begin to move towards adulthood and separate from their parents, some of their earlier life developmental experience when they were a toddler beginning to gain some independence from their parents can resurface. you may be dealing with a toddler’s behaviour inside your teenager and sometimes they need to be approached as if they were operating at that stage of development.

ChIlD DeveloPMeNt (vera FahlBerG) fIRST yEAR Of lIfE the primary tasks to be accomplished 1. the meeting of dependency needs 2. Building up feelings of trust, security and attachment 3. the beginning of sorting out of the significance of various feelings and sensations in and outside the body. learning to experience the world through the various senses.

9

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 10

TODDlER yEARS the primary tasks to be accomplished 1. Gaining autonomy-a sense of independence balanced by appropriate dependency 2. the building blocks of identity begin to be put in place- gender, position in family, and first name are all important factors 3. Continued growth in awareness of perceptions; what is outside and what is inside?

4. learning language-moving from babble to words 5. learning to begin to accept limits-when a parent or caretaker says; “aaha” beginning to take in the message that some things are out of bounds

PRE AND EARly SCHOOl yEARS (3-6) the primary tasks to be accomplished 1. Continued separating out from parent and gaining independence and skills in self-care.

2. two major psychological struggles are usually resolved through the medium of play; these are the “big versus little” conflicts and the “good versus bad conflicts”. Magical thinking is prevalent and the child thinks they cause things to happen. they will need understanding and support to sort out what is real.

3. this is an important time in terms of sexual identity as children will begin to understand the importance of both parents and enjoy the difference each parent/caretaker brings to the relationship with them.

PRImARy SCHOOl yEARS (6-12) Primary tasks to be accomplished 1. Manage problems experienced outside the family unit (a) academic learning (b) relationships with friends (c) Improvement in ability to use the body as a whole as in games, etc. (d) self-care 2. Development of conscience: this starts before this period and continues long afterwards but there is major growth in this area during the primary school years as the child moves from fear of consequences if they do something they know they should not do to beginning to feel not good or guilty about it. Increased awareness of his/her own strengths and weaknesses in a variety of areas.

10

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 11

ADOlESCENCE the primary tasks to be accomplished are 1. Psychological separation from their parents. the young person needs to answer questions of “who am I?” “where do I belong?” “what can I do?” and,” what can I believe in?”

2. Needs to develop more self-control. During times of psychological separation like now, control issues tend to emerge. the adult’s role is not to take control from the adolescent, but rather to create an environment in which the young person has to take more selfcontrol.

3. Because of physical and hormonal changes, adolescents are highly sexualised (Not to be confused with necessarily being sexually active) beings. they need to move from friendship relationships towards relationships of a sexual nature with the opposite or same sex. there is an opportunity to discuss these and other issues on the course. we talk about young people at various stages of development and how they might be feeling. what might their behaviour be telling us? what might be happening for a teenager at this stage of development? the teenager feels that in order to find out who they are they have to push their parent away for a bit (just for now they don't want to be like you!) we show a video of a teenage boy talking about his feelings at adolescence. we give tips for working with/parenting young people at the various stages of development. we show more films highlighting the impact of atmosphere on children growing up. we have lots of discussion about how to approach behavioural issues which we may find challenging.

11

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:43 Page 12

WORKINg WITH THE SENSES lISt oF SeNSory eXPerIeNCeS Baking, art; Paint, Clay, Crayons, Pastels, Music and Fun. relaxation and tuning in to the self on the course we get to try out lots of sensory based experiences. we ask you to see what it feels like for yourself first. Can you give yourself an experience of realerting your senses? Can you bring back some of your childhood memories so that you can get in touch with feelings from the past?

PROCESS Of WORK

1.

Get to KNow the ChIlD

2.

Get to KNow the ChIlD’S worlD

3.

re-alert the SeNSeS; SIGht, SoUND, taSte, toUCh, SMell, SeNSe oF woNDer, Play aND FUN.

4.

who aM I? helP ChIlD wIth theIr SeNSe oF theMSelveS

5.

DIFFereNtIate FeelINGS

6.

ChIlD GetS IN toUCh wIth SelF aND BeGINS to re-eXPerIeNCe FeelINGS aND eMotIoNal PaIN, BehavIoUr May Get More DIFFICUlt For a whIle

7.

ChIlD re-learNS aPProPrIate eXPreSSIoN oF FeelINGS aND NeeDS

12

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:44 Page 13

aPPeNDIX (1) the Marte Meo method was created by Maria aarts in 1978 to treat children with severe developmental problems in daily moments of communication. It regards problems and difficulties as ways of identifying skills that need to be learned:”the message behind problem behaviour is that the child has not yet developed something important and may need support to do so”. a trained therapist films interactions between babies, children and their parents, teachers, caretakers. the film is analysed and the therapist brings information about supportive communication and opportunities to enhance the growth and development of the child in ordinary daily moments.

Information about Marte Meo training is available from Colette o’Donovan, licensed supervisor.

Marte Meo training Centre, hSe. colette.odonovan@hse.ie

aPPeNDIX (2) Mounttown Neighbourhood youth and Family Project (MNyFP) was established in 1998 as an independent company with charitable status and a voluntary Management Committee made up of community and statutory partners. the local community identified the need for an early intervention, joint school/neighbourhood project which would address emotional development and promote positive mental health. the aim of the work is to increase resilience and enhance the experience of school, community and family life for children who require additional support for any reason. the project is based in the campus of holy Family Primary School and the MNyFP project staff work in an integrated way with the staff of the school .Funding of the project is based on the Children’s act (1975) and is channelled through the hSe vera Fahlberg, a paediatrician and psychotherapist came to Ireland from the USa in the 1980s to deliver national training for the Fostering resource Group of the eastern health Board. her work has had a major influence on our practice and our learning about the concept of attachment and how best to support parenting practice.

Dw winnicott, a psychoanalyst worked with children and families in the NhS in Britain over a 40 year period and during that time saw at least 20,000 babies and their mothers for consultation. the 100th centenary of his birth is 2011.

13

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:44 Page 14

NOTES fOR DAy 1

14

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:44 Page 15

NOTES fOR DAy 2

15

24Page booklet_Layout 1 12/12/2011 14:44 Page 16