Life in Motherhood July E-Magazine

July 2022

The Ted Talk Every Mother Should Watch

Dealing with Depression in Motherhood Building a Mindfullness Practice

EricA Means Shemwell Life as a Bonus Mom with Star of TLC Show 'The Blended Bunch'

HELLO

July

Is your baby due in July?

You're not alone....

July is the start of baby season, with July, August and September often topping the charts as the months with the most births each year.

Don't forget, Global hug your kids day is celebrated on July 18th.

The day celebrates the bond between parents and children. The purpose of the day is simple, hug your children to express how much you love them.

Who needs an excuse for a little self care?

International self care day is celebrated on the 24th of July.

It is an opportunity to remind people of the value of self-care practices, and encourages everyone to make a personal commitment to embrace a specific self-care practice.

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How to Build a Mindfulness Practice Amidst the CHAOS of Motherhood Sarah-Beth Barrett talks to us about mindfulness and shares her top 5 tips to building a mindfulness practice.

Sarah-Beth is a wife, a mom of two, a manager in the corporate world and a coach who is passionate about helping moms create their own unique version of work-life harmony, that sweet spot where it’s possible to experience joy and (guilt-free) fulfillment in career, motherhood and beyond.

Her own experience of becoming a mother, and then a working mother, has inspired her to support other women through all the transitions of motherhood, big and small, and to empower them to live their lives with confidence, clarity and in alignment with what matters most to them.

Mothers carry so much… and I’m not talking about all the babies, the backpacks, the snacks, the diaper bags, the toys or the groceries.

I’m talking about the invisible weight: the mental load of motherhood.

Things like scheduling appointments, understanding the routines, planning the birthday parties, organizing the play dates, remembering the registration deadlines, preparing for the holidays, nurturing through the illnesses, holding space for our children’s big feelings, carrying their worries like they are our own.

It really adds up!

It’s so important to try to lighten our mental load whenever we can, by asking for help or by redistributing the load across our partner, loved ones, friends, and other outside resources. And if we can't lighten the load, there are ways to support ourselves in making it more bearable, by giving ourselves permission to pause when we need to catch our breath, and by ensuring our actions and decisions are aligned to what matters most to us.

This is where mindfulness can really help.

Before knowing much about mindfulness myself, I often felt distracted throughout my days, constantly running through my to-do list to make sure I was on track. I’d get so caught up in the whirlwind of “what needs to be done next” that I was always thinking ahead instead of taking in the moment right in front of me. And when I unconsciously allowed these constant distractions to consume my attention, I had no attention left to give to the people and things that TRULY mattered to me - my kids, my husband, my colleagues, my friends and MYSELF. I realized I needed some way to slow down long enough to acknowledge the present moment instead of watching as life zoomed by... and that’s when I discovered mindfulness.

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Mindfulness is about adding awareness to life’s moments and acting with intention. It gives you an opportunity to approach any situation from a grounded, instead of reactive, place. And one of the best parts? You don’t have to find MORE time in your already busy day to add mindfulness to your life; you can simply integrate it into what you already have going on.

Creating a mindfulness practice for myself was a process of patience, curiosity and trial and error. I am so grateful for my persistence and for actively choosing, every day, to make it a priority.

Mindfulness has enabled me to create more space in my head, which has ultimately created more space in my schedule and in my life, to focus on the people and things that matter most to ME. I am a more calm and present mama today because of it.

MY TOP 5 TIPS Here are the top 5 things I learned along my journey of becoming a more mindful mama. I hope they serve you as you consider building your own mindfulness practice.

Choose a mindfulness anchor.

Mindfulness anchors are simple tools that help you get out of your head and back into the present moment. Things like taking deep breaths, physically grounding yourself, tuning into your senses, and repeating affirmations.

Simply integrate a mindfulness anchor into your everyday moments, whenever you need to pause and collect your thoughts. And to set yourself up for success, start small - choose ONE new mechanism that you want to test out over the next couple of weeks. Change is more sustainable when you can take one tiny, incremental step at a time.

Set yourself some reminders.

Creating new habits takes time, consistency and repetition. My working mama clients often express that one of the biggest things that gets in their way of implementing something new is their MEMORY. Whenever we forget, our consistency and repetition is disrupted.

So, to reduce the unrealistic pressure of trying to remember everything, help yourself by setting up mindfulness reminders, whether through calendar scheduling, phone or watch notifications or sticky notes.

Take values-guided action.

Your core values are your north star when it comes to decision-making and action-taking. When you make choices that align with your values, you can trust that you are showing up authentically and attuned to what's most important to you. Your values are the key to unlocking your own inner compass, enabling you to take mindful, intentional action no matter the circumstances.

Lean into patience and self-compassion.

I’m going to be honest with you: none of us will ever have a fully clear and totally focused mind at all times.

There will still be many occasions where we won’t respond mindfully (trust me, I’m living it!). This is totally human and not a problem - we are not striving for perfection when it comes to mindfulness. Offer yourself some love as you figure out what kind of mindfulness practice works best for you. The important part of this practice is noticing when you get out of touch with the present moment or out of alignment with your values. You are now equipped with some tools to help yourself get back to a clear head and choose a more intentional way forward.

Work with a coach.

To gain even more momentum as you set up a sustainable mindfulness practice, hire me as your coach. I can be a sounding board, cheerleader and accountability partner throughout the ups and downs of your journey. Especially when building new habits, it is SO normal to stumble.

Life gets messy and your habit forming can get thrown off. At these points in time, without a coach, we tend to give up because we get stuck in the icky feelings of self-doubt and judgment. But with me in your corner, I can offer a compassionate nudge when you need help refocusing and getting back on track.Because I will ALWAYS believe you can do this, even when you might not believe it yourself.

You got this mama.

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Follow Sarah-Beth; Instagram ~ sarahbeth.barrett Learn more about Sarah-Beth and her Services; www.sarahbethbarrett.com

SAVE THE DATE...

You are invited to join Sarah-Beth in her upcoming workshops that focus on Mindfulness in Motherhood.

Tuesday, July 19, 8pm EDT Mindful Mama Now: Build your own Mindfulness Practice

A step-by-step workshop that walks you through the process of building your own mindfulness practice. I’ll share simple tools you can integrate into what you already have going on, to help you feel more calm and present at home and at work.

Sign up now: https://mindfulmamanow.eventbrite.ca/ Tuesday, August 16, 8pm EDT

Back-to-School Calm: A Mom’s Guide to a Smooth Transition

The back-to-school transition can be stressful and chaotic for us mamas. This workshop is meant to help you feel equipped and prepared to ease back into the school year routine with clarity and confidence.

Sign up now: https://backtoschoolcalm.eventbrite.ca

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How to PROTECT your SKIN this Summer Apply sunscreen when in the sun, check the chart below, if you are under a 4, consider wearing a higher factor.

SPF 15 filters out around 93% of UVB rays, while SPF 30 filters out about 97%, which is actually a huge difference when it comes to the amount of radiation that reaches your skin. If you're going to be out in full sun, like on the beach or poolside, opt for the higher SPF. Avoid the sun in the middle of the day, from about 10 a.m. to 3 p.m. The ultraviolet rays, which cause sunburn, are strongest during this time.

Wear a hat and sunglasses with UVA and UVB protection. Proper, protective sunglasses help prevent damage to the sensitive skin around your eyes, as well as preventing cataracts.

Don't forget your lips! Using lip sunscreen that filters out harmful UVB rays gives you sunburn protection.

Drink plenty of water, drinking before you feel thirsty helps keep the water level in your body from dropping too low (dehydration) when it's hot.

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Did you Know...

Depending on your skin tone, you only need 5-30 minutes of sun, about 3 times a week to get your vitamin D allowance.

People who use sunscreen daily with an SPF of 15 or higher have 24 percent less skin aging than those who do not use sunscreen daily.

An estimated 90 percent of skin aging is caused by the sun.

The vast majority of melanomas are caused by the sun. In fact, one UK study found that about 86 percent of melanomas can be attributed to exposure to ultraviolet (UV) radiation from the sun.

Having 5 or more sunburns doubles your risk for melanoma.

1 in 5 Americans will develop skin cancer by the age of 70.

More than 2 people die of skin cancer in the U.S. every hour.

When detected early, the 5-year survival rate for melanoma is 99 percent.

It is never too late to start protecting your skin.

Sun damage is cumulative. Only about 23 percent of lifetime exposure occurs by age 18.

Ages Average Accumulated Sun Exposure* 1-18 23 percent 19-40 47 percent 41-59 74 percent 60-78 100 percent *Based on a 78-year life span

Look after your skin, it is going to represent you for a very long time...

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MOMPRENEUR of the Month

Tara Elzingre is the proud business owner of Parene, a coaching and mentoring platform for ambitious moms and dads. The pandemic led to a turning point in Tara's career which eventually brought her to setting up her own business, creating the family work balance Tara has always dreamed about.

Life in motherhood caught up with Tara to find out how she balances motherhood with two daughters and a son on the way while also running her own business.

I was born in New York but raised in the beautiful Kingdom of Kerry, Ireland. I now live in Cork, Ireland with my Swiss husband, two girls and our golden labradoodle. Delphine will soon be 4, Aurora is 20 months old and we are expecting our son in the next few days.We purposely live very close to the beach. Any free time I have, that’s where you will find me.

Often with an audiobook on or a journal to hand and walking our dog.When I graduated with my Arts degree in Philosophy & Psychology in 2010, it was the height of the recession. I decided to stick with retail and quickly progressed to running millionaire stores, coaching hundreds T R leadership A V E L roles. of staff members across Ireland into When I returned to work in 2019, I quickly realised it was time to pivot my career into a role in recruitment where the hours would be steadier. I worked as part of a global think tank seeking to reimagine the full recruitment process, with the opportunity to reach top talent across multiple sectors.

When the pandemic hit, like many, I decided to use my time to upskill with a certification in Personal, Leadership & Executive coaching. I quickly fell in love with the community. Kingstown college have a strong network of ICF & EMCC coaches globally with a strong ethical value system.

I wanted to increase my coaching skills so decided to start my own company as side hustle.

Tara Elzingre from Parene Solutions

I decided to focus on helping working parents who were seeking support in their career and entrepreneurial journeys. I had a lot of early success and soon after we made the decision that I would leave my full-time position in pursuit of Parene. Parene has been my calling to empower parents who want more from their personal and professional lives with less fuss and more fun. The roles of both parent and worker are changing rapidly and we need to adapt to the needs of a demanding world.

I help parents create their own toolbox, so they are equipped to meet their own needs as well as satisfying their roles as parents. To date, I have helped clients move into careers with confidence and helped parents set up their own businesses.

Its so fulfilling to see families gain the time-freedom and value they have been seeking.

I have helped my clients one: one on a six-week programme or my 90-minute accelerator sessions. I am excited to see my offerings expand this autumn with my Balancing business & babies, Powerhouse Parent and Leaders Raising Leaders programmes will be launched.

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"We went through three different childminders and many different hour formations before we found the sweet spot that allowed me to raise my wonderful children while building my empire"

Tara with daughters Delphine (4), and Aurora (20 months)

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The biggest challenge has been getting the childcare and time piece right. Running my own business needed to be worth leaving my career and offer better flexibility for my family. We went through three different childminders and many different hour formations before we found the sweet spot that allowed me to raise my wonderful children while building my empire.

There is little I would change on my journey. The first year in business can be daunting and there are tools I wish I didn’t spend money on and coaching tools that were not as effective for my clients. However, failure is part of the journey and sometimes it is just as important to find out you are doing something the wrong way than the right way.

Some of the best things I did to set myself up for success from the start was to have a constant stream and variety of mentors. I built a strong community around me of entrepreneurs who were willing to share resources and collaborate boosting my confidence and sales early on.

"A quote I often speak about with my clients is, you achieve what you believe" I have had the pleasure of being in touch with some amazing mompreneurs such as Pat Kane, owner of Reuzi, Aoife Lee owner of Parent Support, Laura Crowley from Social Connect Series and Erica who runs Mum Tribe.

A quote I often speak about with my clients is: “You Achieve what You Believe” If you believe it, it will happen. It you don’t believe it, it won’t happen.

Follow Tara; Instagram ~ parene_solutions www.parene.ie

It is never too late to follow your dreams.

Women own 36% of small businesses worldwide. While 62% of women business owners are between the ages of 40 and 59.

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In honour of World Chocolate Day on July 7th, why not try out this delicious, quick, and easy recipe for Chocolate Fondant.

Ingredients 120g unsalted butter, diced, plus 20g melted for greasing 2 tbsp cocoa powder 120g dark chocolate, broken into pieces 2 eggs and 2 egg yolks 120g caster sugar 1 tbsp plain flour, sifted clotted cream or vanilla ice cream, to serve (optional)

Keep an eye on our instagram page for the end result!

STEP 1 Heat oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and put a baking tray on the middle shelf. Brush the inside of 5 dariole or pudding moulds with the melted butter, then put the cocoa in one and turn it to coat the inside, holding it over the second mould to catch any that escapes.

Repeat with the other moulds.

STEP 2 Put the butter and chocolate in a heatproof bowl, set over, but not touching, a pan of simmering water and stir occasionally until melted. allow to cool slightly.

STEP 3 Using electric beaters, whisk together the whole eggs, yolks, sugar and a pinch of salt until pale and moussey (the mixture should almost double in volume), this will take 3-4 mins. Gently fold in the melted chocolate and butter, and then the flour, being careful not to knock out too much air. Spoon into the prepared moulds, stopping just shy of the top.

Chill for at least 1 hr.

STEP 4 Put on a hot baking tray and cook for 12-14 mins until the tops are set and coming away from the sides of the moulds. Stand for 30 secs, then serve in the moulds or turn out onto plates. Great with clotted cream or plain ice cream.

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PANDEMIC

LIFE IN MOTHERHOOD

Vanessa with her husband and four children

The COVID-19 pandemic has affected people's mental health. Many people are experiencing grief and are facing challenges that can be stressful and overwhelming.

Vanessa Kilcullen (40) is a pediatric nurse and has four children ages 11,7,4 and 1.

Her youngest son was born in May 2021 during the global coronavirus pandemic.

Vanessa shares her personal story of how the pandemic impacted her experience of motherhood along with dealing with a tragedy that struck her family during the pandemic.

I am originally from Sligo in Ireland but I have been living in Dublin the last 16 years and I am married to David (from Dublin). We bought our house 11 years ago, when we returned to Dublin after travelling to Australia for a year and a half. I work as pedatric nurse in crumlin children’s hospital for the last 10 years. I have recently set up a baby massage course where I teach baby massage to parents and their babies. I love supporting and providing a welcoming environment for both parents and babies alike. In my free time I love training in the gym I find these benefits amazing for my mental health as well as my physical health. I love to meet up and socialize with my friends for coffees and chats. I come from a family of 3 girls and no brothers. My youngest sister has additional needs and requires full nursing care. I am the eldest and I had another sister who I lost to suicide..

This brings me onto the next part of my story...

hospital and I don’t do well being on my own for long periods of time.

"My fear was, what if I got some bad news regarding my baby and I was on my own".

My biggest struggle was breastfeeding, when Callum was born, he was tongue tied and I attempted to feed him for 2 weeks but found the whole experience excruciating. The pain I experience was worse than labour and there was very little support as we were in the middle of a pandemic. There was no public health nurse calls, only phone consultations. I had to get Callum’s tongue tie release performed privately and purchase a hospital grade breast pump along with having to consult a lactation consultation as there was no la leche groups running due to covid, all the groups were virtual which I did not benefit from. We did eventually establish a good breastfeeding routine and I breast fed him until around 9 months. I feel the pandemic has affected people in all different ways and has had a negative impact on maternity care and supports.

In August 2020 I lost my sister to suicide which caused huge trauma to our family and still does. About 2 weeks after my sister’s death, I found out I was pregnant on my 4th baby which was a huge shock. I found the first few months went by in a blur and I noticed my anxiety was very heightened, quite possibly due to my sister’s death as I had not experienced these feelings of anxiety with previous pregnancies. I was very anxious to get to the 13-week mark and then the 20week scan. And to note my 20-week scan was during a lock down in January 2021 and my husband was not allowed attend this appointment with me. My fear was, what if I got some bad news regarding my baby and I was on my own.

Thankfully I did not receive any bad news, but I am very aware of numerous women who had to face the devastating news on their own. My husband did not attend any of my antenatal appointments with me during my whole pregnancy.

When I was approaching my due date, I isolated away from most people due the fear of getting covid before going into

Approaching the end of my pregnancy, the baby was breech and failed to turn until the very end which caused me more stress as I feared having a c-section and having to stay in hospital longer than I wished but thankfully he turned with the help of a chiropractor and acupuncture sessions.

When I did go into labour, I stayed at home as long as possible due the fear of not being in active labour and if this was the case my husband would not be allowed into the maternity hospital until I would be admitted to the delivery ward.

Thankfully I was in active labour and moved to the delivery suite. As this was my 4th pregnancy it was a quick labour. My hospital stay was not too long, and my husband could visit during visiting hours.

I am extremely blessed and grateful for the family and friends I have in my life as they are what got me through the last few years. Life is short and we certainly do not know what is around the corner.

My advice is “Dance like nobody’s watching; love like you’ve never been hurt. Sing like nobody’s listening and live like its heaven on earth”- Mark Twain

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BREASTFEEDING SUPPORT with Emer

Emer Murphy (34) gives an insight into her life as an IBCLC and reveals the main breastfeeding challenge she sees women facing today.

My journey to becoming an IBCLC started when I qualified as a General Nurse 12 years ago and after a vibrant 6 years of experience in Central London, I decided to specialise within the area of Primary Care/General Practice. I currently work as a Practice Nurse in The Cork Road Clinic in MPHC, Mallow, County Cork, Ireland. I’m very lucky to work with an amazing team that are becoming more and more like family as the years pass by.

I’m also a mother of three. My children are Olan 5yrs, Cara 4yrs, and Sive 7 months. The beginning of all three of my breastfeeding journeys were quite turbulent, to put it mildly. Between the three of them, there were two Class 4 tongue ties (their tongues could barely move) and one severe Cow’s Milk Protein Allergy (CMPA) that presented as severe reflux. I leant heavily on the support of IBCLC’s with my first and second babies. With my third, I was the IBCLC which posed its own challenges (que the self-doubt of every mother post-partum, irrespective of professional qualifications). I went on to have two beautiful feeding jouneys with Olan and Cara, all thanks to those Lactation Consultants and of course my husband, whose love and encouragement appears to be unending. I’m still feeding Sive which is going beautifully, after a prompt tongue tie release at only 3 days old.

My lived experience coupled with my role in Primary Care and close proximity to new mothers, all resulted in a very natural progression to qualify as an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant in 2021. The process however did not feel very natural juggling the copious hours of study and lectures, my job as a practice nurse throughout the pandemic, sacrificing huge chunks of my weekends with my young family, on top of the 1,000 hours of clinical experience I had to complete, which due to Covid19 took me the best part of two years. This was all just to meet the criteria to sit the exam! But as the saying goes “Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life” and this is certainly the case for me when it comes to supporting and empowering women to meet their feeding goals.

"Support is everything when you have a new baby.

EVERYTHING" Since setting up my private practice I offer my clients home visits in Cork, Limerick and parts of Kerry as well as Zoom/telephone consultations worldwide. Once I engage with my clients we keep in very close contact via WhatsApp until baby arrives and feeding is going well, or until their issue is rectified. Support is everything when you have a new baby. EVERYTHING. One of the more common issues I see in private practice is Nipple Pain or Sore Nipples. Nipple pain is a significant cause of distress to new mothers. It is a misconception that nipples “toughen up”. Instead, they gain elasticity and return to normal sensitivity over time. Persistent nipple pain is defined as pain lasting longer than two weeks that is not associated with recurrent mastitis (Berens 2016).

The most common causes of pain while breastfeeding are; Poor positioning and latch, Dysfunctional infant suck, Tongue-Tie, Maternal Nipple variations (flat/inverted), Infection, Vasospasm, Plugged Duct or Pump Trauma. As daunting as they all look listed together, these are all things that can be managed in a timely manner by your IBCLC and enable mothers to feed in comfort.

Breastfeeding should not be painful, if you are experiencing pain, please reach out to an IBCLC for support.

Contact Emer; Emer Murphy RGN IBCLC Mobile: 083 8885036 E-mail: emermurphyibclc@yahoo.com Instagram: @emermurphyibclc

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"Yes, breastfeeding is the most natural way to feed a baby, but it's a skill that both mother and baby learn.

Natural does not mean easy."

Giulia Life in Motherhood

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The Joys and Challenges of being a bonus mom

Erica (35) with her husband Spencer (34) and their children Landon (14), Brayden (14), Emma (12), Lily (11), Harper (10), Sophie (10), Tanner (8), Avery (8), Amelia (6), Bexley (6), and Caleb (5) celebrating their wedding day

Erica Means Shemwell lives in in Lehi, Utah, USA with her husband Spencer and their combined 11 children. After Erica and Spencer tragically lost their spouses they found love again and brought their families together. Erica shares her experience of being a bonus mom.

A bittersweet beginning

In 2016, my husband Tony died of brain cancer, leaving behind our six children and me expecting our seventh child. A year later, Spencer’s wife, Aimee, was involved in a fatal car crash in 2017, leaving behind Spencer and their four children.

I met Spencer online through a widow/widower grief support group where we connected quickly and became good supportive friends to each other during our journey of grief and single parenting. After a year of being close friends, we started dating and got married in 2019, bringing our families together with a total of 11 children ages 2 years to 10 years old.

The reality of becoming a bonus mom

Before Spencer and I married, we spent a lot of time together with all our kids during play dates. We both knew how important it was for our children to be around other children who have experienced loss because of the normalcy and the hope of healing kids receive. Because we had several occasions of interacting with each other’s kids, I had developed friendships with each of Spencer’s kids before we even dated. There were times when I babysat them as Spencer worked and I felt almost as if I was a “fun aunt” to them. I got to spoil them and just have fun, knowing I would send them back to Spencer for him to resume the role of parent after I got to play the fun babysitter. My kids and I both loved spending time with his kids; we started connecting and I enjoyed fulfilling a nurturing role for them when I was around them. The first few months of being married was pure bliss! It felt so wonderful to have a partner by my side again, carrying the heavy workload of raising young children and the emotional toll of providing for all their needs.

For our children, it simply felt like a giant sleepover every night; the kids were excited to be together and to have two parents to help with their needs. We spent the first few months focusing on establishing lasting relationships with each other’s children, taking the time to get to know them and spend quality (and a lot of quantity) time with each individual bonus child. But within time, the “newlywed” phase of our family wore off and reality sunk in. No longer was it new and exciting to all be together, now we were testing limits between all family members, including me.

As my bonus children started to get more comfortable with me, letting their guards down and relaxing more each day, I found it increasingly difficult to transition to a “parent role” rather than the “fun aunt” I felt I had been before to them.

While it was hard to change the dynamics of my relationship with each of my bonus children, it was also very rewarding. Opportunities arose for the kids to be more open and vulnerable about their past experiences that led to some very tender moments of connecting and bonding. When I had to give correction to a child, it gave me the chance to tell (and show) that particular child that because I love them, I want to help teach them all the tools I can for them to find their best selves. It took some time and a lot of repetition for them to gain trust in me as a parent, and for them to really understand and feel that my role in their life is to love them and help them in the same way their mom would want. found that the most helpful thing in connecting with my new kids and finding my role as their bonus mom was to be very open and honest with them about how I felt and what I wanted to provide for them.

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"Our success as a family came because we had a common goal for everyone to feel loved in the family; it wasn’t purely because I put in the effort, I also had to wait for each child to be ready and willing to want that same goal."

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I was lucky enough to be able to care about my bonus kids before we became a family, and that care turned into a mother’s love pretty quickly as we all put in the work to get to know and understand each other better. Our success as a family came because we had a common goal for everyone to feel loved in the family; it wasn’t purely because I put in the effort, I also had to wait for each child to be ready and willing to want that same goal.

There have been many challenges in transitioning to being a bonus mother. I’ve always loved kids and have felt great joy in caring for the children I’ve brought into this world, so I thought the new role would come with ease. While some things did come easily because of the relationships I already had with my new kids and my personality, I was blindsided by a few obstacles. I always thought that if you showed a child your care and love for them, that relationships would easily grow. But it has taken so many intentional actions and thoughts and countless late night talks with my husband to really understand each child and see them for who they are. It has been a big challenge because of the immensity of time and effort with the large number of children we have, but the greatest challenge has also become the biggest reward. All the prayers, tears, hours, and effort pays off! As I started to understand each bonus child better, along with the personal experiences we had together, I started seeing them in the way I see my children that I brought into this world. My heart became connected to them and I felt myself more naturally fall into a maternal role for them.

"My husband and I needed to be very intentional about our efforts to connect and bond with each child" Making time a priority

I’ve talked about the time and effort it’s taken to further develop my relationships with my new children, and it’s no joke! With a family as large as ours with so many demands that come with a big family, my husband and I needed to be very intentional about our efforts to connect and bond with each child. I believe that both quality and quantity time are needed in a relationship, especially with a child.

With that being said, quality time doesn’t always mean that time spent with a child needs to be anything fancy or a huge event, it just needs to be focused on them. So, we do arrange individual “dates” with our kids that are preplanned and have a fun activity, but more often the time we spend with an individual child is simple.

Sometimes I’ll ask one child to come with me to run errands or go to the grocery store with me. Other times, it may be that I spend extra time tucking them in at night. I’ll ask them to come help me make dinner, or plant flowers together, or work on a school project. I’ve found the key to spending time is that the focus is on them, and nothing else. I try my best to give my full attention to them and to ask questions about them or to be silly and sing songs together as we work. I look back on my childhood and some of my most precious memories with my parents are simple events where I felt that my mom or dad were existing in that moment just with me, no distractions.

While Spencer and I spend a lot of our time focusing on our children, it would all be in vain if we didn’t work on our relationships with each other and ourselves. I’m a firm believer that if a marriage is strong that consequently the family will be strong. It’s near impossible to have a happy and secure family without the foundation of adults working together.

Spencer and I try our best to make time for just the two of us. Whether that is actually going out on a date away from home or staying up late at night talking in bed, they have both been essential in grounding our marriage and our family. Having time where there are no distractions from children or work makes it possible to discuss and work on problems, have fun together, and gives the needed time to recharge. Time as a couple is essential, as well as time individually. I’ve enjoyed going on quiet walks alone, or driving to a favorite spot to enjoy the beautiful views in my hometown. This gives me the space to think clearly, or to even have a time where I can just exist without any thoughts or stress.

Finding a support system

The absolute number one thing I tell people who have experienced grief or change of any sort is to find a support system. I cannot stress how this has been incredibly healing and beneficial for me through the loss of my husband Tony and then again with the changes of remarriage to Spencer and blending our families. I was fortunate to be blessed with amazing family support through both changes and have relied on old and new friendships that have helped see me through the new challenges I faced. One of the most helpful relationships I’ve found is through a friend who is also widowed and remarried to a widower. She also has a large family of young children. My friendship with her has helped normalized my situation, as before I felt at times there was no one who could relate to my situation. We are able to bounce ideas back and forth about blending, grief, big family life, practicalities, and emotional healing that affect our lives. There is real power in feeling heard and understood, especially by someone who has been in similar shoes. Connecting with another bonus mom has helped me improve my relationships with each of my kids, with my husband, and with myself. Just being able to talk about the joys and struggles and receiving/ giving encouragement to each other improves my efforts in my role as a bonus mom. I really feel that a reliable support system is crucial to achieving success in a blended family.

Blending can be complicated and tiresome, so having encouragement and examples of success gives me hope and the needed nudge to keep trying each day.

Embracing new changes

I am not the bonus mom who I thought I would be. I imagined myself never feeling frustrated, always ready to handle challenges, and feeling satisfied at the end of each day. I thought my new children would quickly attach to me as a mother figure with ease and that I would always feel content with my situation.

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My old self would say that she would be disappointed to know that those statements are not true about me. My old self would want relationships to come with ease and that blending a family would naturally fall into place just because the desire was there. While that might sound great, I’m happy (and relieved) to say that those are unrealistic expectations of being a bonus mom and blending a family; there is absolutely no need to place those expectations on myself. I have felt my happiest and been my best self when I can freely forgive myself of my shortcomings. When I recognize how individualized each of my bonus kids are, and am patient with myself in my frustrations, then I truly connect with all my children and myself. There is no such thing as a “perfect family,” in fact, it’s in seeing our imperfections that allows us to embrace others and ourselves as we truly are, and that is real love.

Love doesn’t shame or place blame or unrealistic expectations. Love is the desire and efforts we put forth, even when the outcome takes longer than expected, or is different than we imagined. For a time after becoming a bonus mom, I felt that I had changed as a mother overall, and I was unhappy with the changes in myself. But it was the challenges and the stretching of being a bonus mom that allowed me to appreciate my strengths as a mother, and to be humbled in the areas where I need to improve. It’s motivating to not settle for who I once was, but to continually work on my relationships with others and especially with myself. Embracing my “new self” with my new roles and challenges is a work in process, and I’ve come to know that in this acceptance of oneself is how happiness can be achieved, regardless of our situations or challenges in life.

Follow Erica; Instagram ~ erica.means.shemwell

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A different kind of

Book Club

Mammy Banter

by Serena Terry

The book tells the story of 36-yearold Tara Gallagher who used to want it all, but now just wants a nap and a Friday night in her pyjamas watching Gogglebox.

Full of self-doubt, Tara decides it's time for a mammy makeover. She's going to show her teenage daughter she's still cool, show her husband she's still a catch and show her colleagues she's still a 'Boss Bish'.

"Easy reading, funny and relatable on so many levels" About the Author Derry woman Serena Terry's hilarious Mammy Banter TikTok skits have been viewed and shared by millions of people, but the 36year-old is keen to also remind her followers that life isn't perfect by being open about her struggles with anxiety.

Have you read this book? Get in touch with us and tell us what you thought of it?

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Podcast Club Amy and Abby from Waunakee, Wisconsin started 'HERself Podcast' in January 2020. Life in motherhood caught up with Amy and Abby to learn a little more about the hosts behind the podcast...

What are your career backgrounds?

Amy was a personal trainer and then nurse Abby is in corporate wellness sales Why did you start the Podcast?

There was a vulnerability missing in the podcast world for mothers. And a truthfulness that was backed in research. We created the podcast we wish we would have had when we were both starting our motherhood journey.

What do you love most about doing your podcast?

We are able to meet our listeners exactly where they are in their busy lives. We can be their friend on a solo walk, their inspiration while doing housework, and solidarity on their commute. And hearing from our listeners... heart filled with some of the messages and reviews that come in!

Abby Green 36 is married to her husband Colin and together they have 3 children, Lucy (6), Micah (4), and Owen (1).

Amy Kiefer 35 is married to her husband Drew and together they have 3 children, Max (6), Trey (4), and Cole (3).

What can our readers expect to hear from your July episodes?

HERself listeners hear from Abby and Amy with real time challenges they are facing. We walk our community through what has worked and what resources we have used to get there. When we don't have the answer, we bring on guests and experts to help find strategies to grow right alongside our listeners. In July, we will shine a spotlight on a sex and intimacy expert, a finanical guru who specializes in supporting women, one of our all time favorite authors, and a child phsycologist.

Each of these female guests have a story to tell that will get our community one step ahead of where they are today!

Amy and Abby invite you to listen to their podcast, you can catch new episodes every Monday.

Follow Abby & Amy; Instagram ~ AbbyRoseGreen and AmesKiefer

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"We created the podcast we wish we would have had when we were both starting our motherhood journey"

Abby & Amy

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Who's watching?

The comedic show stars a group of five friends as they navigate life as working mothers. There are currently six seasons and the show has been renewed for the seventh and final season, set to premier in 2023.

Click to Watch Trailer for Season 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gk1vKFcUxyU&t=13s

Starring Catherine Reitman, Jessalyn Wanlim, Dani Kind, Enuka Okuma, and Juno Rinaldi

"Absolutely hilarious, bold and really relatable"

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In recogniition of World Mango Day on July 22nd why not try out this delicious, easy 3 ingredient smoothie recipe.

Ingredients; 1/2 Mango, peeled 1/2 Avocado, peeled 3 oranges, squeezed (Add a few cubes of frozen Mango to give it a refreshing taste) Blend ingredients together until smooth and creamy

Nutrients

Vitamins B1, B2, B5, B6, B7, C, E, potassium, copper, beta-carotene, magnesium, phosphate, calcium, zinc, fibre, iron, folic acid, flavonoids, iodine, limonene, manganese

*Keep an eye on our instagram page for the end result!

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The Ted Talk Every Mother Should Watch 'A new way to think about the transition to motherhood' with Alexandra Sacks.

This short 6 minute clip perfectly describes the transition to motherhood. Do you ever feel you want to be both away from your child and with them at the same time? Alexandra explains why mothers feel this way. You are sure to get lots of lightbulb moments watching this one!

CLICK TO WATCH

"When a baby is born, so is a mother, each unsteady in their own way. Matrescence is profound but it's also hard and that's what makes it human."

Dealing with Depression in Motherhood Depression is a common and serious illness. A CDC study shows that about 1 in 10 women in the United States reported symptoms that suggest they experienced an episode of major depression in the last year. CDC research also shows about 1 in 8 women who recently gave birth experienced symptoms of postpartum depression.

One mother has given us a very honest insight into her personal struggles with depression and how it is affecting her life.

Hello moms! I have to be honest, I am not much of a writer, so I don’t really know how this will go- but I will give it my best shot. Let me start by introducing myself.

My name is Tiffany and I am 29 years old. I am married to a fire medic and together we have 3 children ages 6, 4, and 2. Lately, I enjoy all things related to homemaking. I know this may make me seem super basic, but I really enjoy learning more about gardening, cooking, and homeschooling.

We have been dreaming of living on property with family for so long now and we are finally about to move into our new house on 2.5 acres! We live in Brooksville, Fl. It’s a pretty small town but we love it. I would have to say my favorite thing about living here is how close we live to some awesome beaches.

Right now is the busiest our lives have ever been. Like I said, we have three kids all under the age of seven. I am right in the very beginning of figuring out our homeschooling journey while I still have two very active and needy toddlers. On top of this, my husband works 24 or sometimes 48 hour shifts and also has a second job that he works to support our family so I can stay at home with our kids.

If he’s not at one of these jobs, he quite often is at our property working on projects for our new home. Between all of these things and extracurricular activities, appointments and more, (I also work from home selling hair care), it's busy.

Honestly, my head was spinning just typing all of that out!

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"Dealing with depression like this in motherhood is so difficult. I want nothing more in life than to reach my full potential in every area possible. I don’t want my kids to look back at their childhood and see a mom that struggled. I don’t want to fall behind in my business. I don’t want to have to watch my life pass by without ever getting a grip on this. The shame and guilt surrounding it all is an everyday struggle."

Tiffany Dumala Page 28

Of all the things I could speak about in my life, I decided I wanted to speak about mental health in motherhood. I came to this conclusion because I happen to be in the thick of the worst spot I’ve been with my mental health. From age 11 (maybe younger?), I have always struggled with anxiety.

It got much worse once I had kids because I now always worry what could happen to them rather than just myself. However, for the first time in my life, I am also struggling with depression. I had some bouts of postpartum depression after my first two kids but this is different. I am well beyond the postpartum stage at this point. I find myself often unable to be productive in any area.

I stop working on my business, I slack on house duties, I am not as hands on as I want to be as a mother and I am losing my patience so easily. I also find that I get very easily overwhelmed and overstimulated.

Dealing with depression like this in motherhood is so difficult. I want nothing more in life than to reach my full potential in every area possible. I don’t want my kids to look back at their childhood and see a mom that struggled. I don’t want to fall behind in my business. I don’t want to have to watch my life pass by without ever getting a grip on this. The shame and guilt surrounding it all is an everyday struggle. I have tried some things here and there to better my mental health, but I haven’t found complete relief yet. I am now seeing a naturopath to help get my mental health under control. She has me on a few new supplements and vitamins to see if they will help as well as some dietary changes. As far as support goes, "I knew motherhood wouldn’t be constant bliss but I didn’t expect to find myself in situations where I felt frozen in depression."

I am incredibly blessed. My husband has always been extremely understanding when it comes to my anxiety. And while the depression is new, he is learning alongside me and making sure I know he’s there for whatever I need. I truly feel confident that the path I am currently on is going to help my mental health immensely. I think I wanted to share about this because I didn’t necessarily expect big mental health changes when I became a mom. I knew motherhood wouldn’t be constant bliss but I didn’t expect to find myself in situations where I felt frozen in depression. It honestly is a very strange and somewhat scary feeling.

The best advice I can give to anyone about motherhood is to find your support system.

Hopefully this is your spouse or close family. If not though, find a friend that has been there, done that. Talk to people you really trust. Do not be afraid to ask for help. I wish mental health wasn’t so taboo. Even with my husband being so supportive, I still feel scared to tell him when I am depressed. Writing this piece now, I am so scared of people I know reading it and finding out I struggle as if depression is some dirty secret.

I hope I am doing my tiny part in changing that and showing that this is okay to talk about. Lastly, I don’t want anyone to read this and feel badly for me. I am really feeling very hopeful and optimistic about things turning around now that I am implementing these changes. If you deal with mental health issues, you are not alone. I do believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I hope you do as well.

Follow Tiffany; Instagram ~ tiffany.dumala

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"A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone" unknown Page 30