PHYFF 2021: ‘School Of Theft’ by Robert Madden

‘School Of Theft’ By Robert Madden

Draft 1 09-08-2020 Draft 2 02-10-2020 Draft 3 03-10-2020 Draft 4 04-10-2020

085 866 3000 robertmadden.creator@gmail.com Robert Madden®

FADE IN: SCENE 1 INT. HALL - DAY A young man named PATRICK walks into a building with ‘School Of Theft’ written on it. He walks into a small hall with a small stage. Other young students sit silently in the hall. As PATRICK takes a seat, an older man walks out onto the stage with a younger looking man.

LEADER JOHN Welcome to The School Of Theft or as we call it here, ‘A lifelong borrow’. My name is John and I am the owner of the school and beside me stands past student Clint.

CLINT stands up from his chair.

Clint decided to take the position of professor here once he completed his degree; ya know, school benefits and all. Does anybody have any questions so far?

SEAN in the back sticks his hand up, PATRICK and the rest of the students in the hall look at SEAN. LEADER JOHN Go ahead Fella.

SEAN So I heard that this course is full time, but there’s also opportunity for paid work experience throughout the week. I was just wonderin’ if I could get some more info on that?

LEADER JOHN That would be absolutely correct young man. So we teach you the skills of the job here and then we send you all out for paid work, well, we work off commission actually, but don’t worry about that yet, that’s later in the finance module. Our motto here is, ‘during the day, we build the skills, at night we pay the bills’ but that motto is open to change depending on whether anyone’s home or not. We’ll get to that though. All I’ll say is 9-5 workers are a good spot.

SEAN I getchu.

The WHOLE CLASS nod their heads simultaneously with smirks on their faces.

LEADER JOHN So I’ll pass you over to ‘Clint’ and let him introduce himself.

CLINT and LEADER JOHN swap positions on stage.

CLINT Hey lads, I’m a past student of the School of Theft here at Crim College. I began my journey here 1 year ago now.

Last week I completed my Bachelor of Theft accredited by John here on behalf of Crim university and their partner, John Theft Ltd.

LEADER JOHN secretly yet obviously hands CLINT some cash. Clint then stuffs the cash into his pocket.

CLINT (CONT'D) My final project or thesis as they call it in South Dublin was to pick the most difficult lock. I was the only one who could actually find, exercise and trigger the final bolt. That’s where my nickname among the fellas came from. beat.

LEADER JOHN Thanks for that Clit.

EVERYONE in the room looks at each other with a smirk.

Now lads, most of this course involves a hands on approach and teamwork, so we’re going to put you into different groups.

As LEADER JOHN finishes his line, GAVIN walks in with a toolbox.

LEADER JOHN Afternoon G-spot!

GAVIN Sticks his hand up with a thumb up.

GAVIN Sup Johnboy!

LEADER JOHN Lads, this is Gavin, also known here as G-spot, but you can just refer to him as Gav. Gav is the head professor of residential theft. You’ll learn all the tricks of the trade with him from CCTV

LEADER JOHN (CONT'D) evasion to alarm dodging. He’s a master at his craft.

GAVIN Howaya lads, started here meself, you’re in good hands.

LEADER JOHN So as I was saying lads, it’s all about teamwork, so in that case, we’re going to put you in groups.

Points to MAX. LEADER JOHN What’s your name?

MAX Max. LEADER JOHN Any past Education?

MAX I got me final exams.

LEADER JOHN What ya get?

MAX I was a great student. Sure the proof is in the pudding; I got an A in P.E.

LEADER JOHN Sporty, I like that, good for the pick and go’s. What about the other subjects?

MAX Ds and Es but sure what are grades when you got gains?

MAX flexes his bicep. LEADER JOHN points to PATRICK. LEADER JOHN What about you fella?

PATRICK I didn’t get a lot of points in me final exams, ended up in the jam making course for the year. It was fun and all and bloody hell did it taste great but I wanted to try something a bit more adrenaline rushing.

DAVID looks over.

DAVID Same bro, I got a D in my final exam, then again I only sat the one.

LEADER JOHN Perfect, the jammy brothers, you two are a pair. Your mentor is gonna be G-spot. He’ll walk you through the ins and outs.

CUT TO:

SCENE 2 EXT. HALL GROUNDS - DAY GAVIN leads PATRICK and DAVID out of the hall. They walk up to a training door. There’s a shed style lock on the door which the pair are given a demonstration on how to remove.

GAVIN Shed door lock. As yas probably already know, sheds, a good target. Outside, out of the way, generally wooden.

Beat.

Contents of easy resale. Bikes, lawnmowers and all that typa stuff.

GAVIN opens up his toolbox and grabs a hammer and chisel.

Now lads. There’s two ways in which yas can go about this. The more conventional way, the pickaway.

GAVIN bangs the hammer on the chisel and slowly prys the lock off the door.

Clean and minimal damage. If ya have the time and nobody’s around, like the known 9 to 5 workers, this is the usual go to. However, in the case that there’s the possibility of somebody being nearby, then it has to be much quicker. This technique we call the ‘bash and dash’, it’s quite selfexplanatory.

GAVIN picks up a sledgehammer and goes into full neurotic destruction mode on the door. PATRICK and DAVID watch on, taken aback as wood chippings fly overhead.

Your turn laddo!

GAVIN shoves the sledgehammer into PATRICK’s hand. PATRICK beats the door with the sledgehammer. GAVIN stands to the side of PATRICK uncomfortably close, nearly in his ear.

GAVIN (CONT'D) (moans) AWH YEAH! Hammer that backdoor.

PATRICK V.O. It started to become apparent that Gavin was a nutjob, let alone weird.

PATRICK breaks the door.

GAVIN Nice one laddo!

CUT TO: SCENE 3 INT.CAR - DAY GAVIN, PATRICK and DAVID sit in a car along an alleyway. GAVIN sits in the front seat, PATRICK and DAVID in the back seats. A bag of equipment is placed in the front passenger seat. It is PATRICK and DAVID’S first time robbing a house, the task set on them by the ‘School Of Theft’.

GAVIN Big day laddos! I remember my first house theft. I entered the house by prying the door open with a crowbar.

When I bust the door in though, a kid was just standing there staring at me.

DAVID Did you run?

GAVIN No. I pushed the kid to the side and told him to piss off. Once I had gotten everything I needed though, he gave me a few of his sweets.

DAVID Why would he do that?

CUT TO: --CUTAWAY SCENE 3 INT.HOUSE - DAY GAVIN shakes his crowbar at the crying KID. GAVIN Giv’s a sweet ya fat....

The KID screams over the swear word. He then hands the sweets over to GAVIN. CUT TO: SCENE 3 (CONT'D) INT.CAR - DAY GAVIN Like stealing candy from a baby.

PATRICK and DAVID look at eachother in shock. They are speechless, however GAVIN quickly breaks the silence.

GAVIN So lads, here’s alleyway there. and when you're house. The goal

your gear. Go down that Get yourselves prepped ready head into the is to get in and out as

GAVIN quick as possible. Wear masks going in, but strip them on your way out. Running down a street masked is pushing the level of suspicion a bit too far.

PATRICK & DAVID Cool.

CUT TO: SCENE 4 EXT. ALLEYWAY - DAY PATRICK and DAVID exit the car. They quickly shuffle their way over to a concealed alleyway. They prop themselves up against the wall of the alleyway.

PATRICK So, we hop the wall, in through the back, quick raid of downstairs followed by upstairs and straight back out and away. Anything we find gets put into this bag. Got it?

DAVID Got it!

PATRICK Let’s go!

PATRICK and DAVID enter into the back garden. They tumble up to the door where they come to a halt.

PATRICK Screwdriver or hammer?

DAVID Banging, screwing, same thing. Up to you really?

PATRICK The fuck! Screw it. I’ll take the hammer you take the screwdriver.

PATRICK hands DAVID the screwdriver.

Put the screwdriver in the keyhole there.

DAVID puts the screwdriver into the keyhole.

PATRICK (CONT'D) Ready?

DAVID Ready!

PATRICK places the hammer on the screwdriver.

PATRICK Three, two, one.

PATRICK whacks the head of the hammer on the screwdriver. The door bursts open.

CUT TO: SCENE 5 INT. HOUSE - DAY PATRICK GO,GO,GO!

DAVID WAIT! DAVID points down at a pair of shoes.

We need to take our shoes off. We don’t want to dirty the floors. General courtesy.

PATRICK (sarcastically) You’re robbing the house you knob, how courteous of you!

DAVID Point taken. We may continue.

PATRICK and DAVID sprint through the house grabbing every valuable they can. The pair then walk up the stairs. As they walk up, they look at the old photos which line the stairs of a young soldier. Once they reach the top of the stairs, they swing open a door. In the room sits an OLD MAN in a vintage army uniform who is polishing his war medals. A briefcase sits beneath the OLD MAN. The pair stand stationary as they look at the OLD MAN. The OLD MAN slowly reaches into the briefcase as PATRICK and DAVID’S eyes follow the OLD MAN’S hands. The OLD MAN pulls out a shotgun and fires. The pair come out of their trance and bolt out the door.

DAVID Fuckkk!

DAVID slips. He slides down the stairs on his backside. PATRICK follows him down the stairs as the OLD MAN fires shots. The OLD MAN follows close behind. PATRICK picks DAVID up off the ground.

PATRICK Back door! Back door! Back door!

PATRICK and DAVID dart towards the back door, swing it open and sprint towards the back wall.

DAVID I can’t get over high structures. I have bad balance.

PATRICK Now’s not the time! I’ll give you a boost. Stand on my hand and throw yourself over the wall.

PATRICK places his hands down. DAVID puts his foot on PATRICK’S hands and launches himself up onto the wall. PATRICK follows as the OLD MAN enters the garden.

OLD MAN Come back here ya little shits!

Unbeknownst to PATRICK and DAVID, there is a door in the wall which opens out onto the field. The OLD MAN opens the door and enters the field which the boys have run out into. The boys, breathless, have stopped as they believe that they have escaped.

PATRICK Bloody hell that was a close call.

We’re safe now, there’s not a hope an old fella like him will be able to-PATRICK and DAVID hear a familiar loud bang behind them. They turn around as the OLD MAN strides towards them. PATRICK and DAVID take off as the OLD MAN pursues.

PATRICK How the hell did he get over the wall!?

DAVID He’s just going to keep following us unless we do something!

PATRICK and DAVID stop as the OLD MAN approaches in the distance.

PATRICK What can we do other than run!?

DAVID looks around. He sees a stone in the grass. He picks it up and flings it at the OLD MAN. The stone hits the OLD MAN on the head. The OLD MAN falls in a heap on the ground. PATRICK looks at DAVID in shock. PATRICK runs towards the OLD MAN as DAVID follows behind.

DAVID You can thank me for saving your life later.

PATRICK What was that for!

DAVID Self defence?

PATRICK Self defence against an old man defending his home after being robbed!?

DAVID Well when ya look at it that way ya make it sound bad.

PATRICK Yes David, because it is bad! You fucked a stone at an old man.

DAVID He had a gun!

PATRICK We broke into his house and stole his valuables!

DAVID Oh I see how it is. His valuables are more important than my life!

PATRICK No, but how do you think we’re supposed to get out of this one?

PATRICK and DAVID think up ideas as they stand either side of the OLD MAN. PATRICK bends down and checks the OLD MAN’S pulse.

PATRICK Thank God! He has a pulse, he’s not dead … yet.

DAVID Any ideas?

Beat.

PATRICK We need to come up with a backup story and then call an ambulance and leave.

PATRICK thinks to himself. He believes that DAVID is doing the same. Pause-DAVID Well let’s think this through.

PATRICK looks at DAVID in confusion as thinking is exactly what PATRICK has been doing already.

DAVID (CONT'D) His house is there, we’re in a field beside his house. An old presumably ex-army man has chased us with a shotgun through a field.

Beat.

Got it! We make it appear the man was carrying out a tribute to his fallen friends and because he’s elderly he tripped and hit his head off his rifle.

PATRICK So you’re telling me that the old man holding a tribute to the fallen, has fallen.

DAVID Exactly!

Beat.

PATRICK Okay to be fair it’s not a bad suggestion. Seems like the only somewhat developed plan so I guess we’re going with it. We’d need to stage the scene a bit though.

Beat.

Most important thing is that we do not touch anything with our bare hands. We do not want our fingerprints on anything.

DAVID Gotcha!

PATRICK and DAVID maneuver the man onto his stomach (front side). PATRICK and DAVID get on their knees. PATRICK removes a cloth from the bag. He grasps the rifle with the cloth and places it under the OLD MAN’S face, smudging his blood against the barrel. DAVID also takes a cloth and grabs a large nearby stone and places it just before the OLD MAN’S foot. DAVID places the bloodied stone in the bag.

PATRICK All good?

DAVID Yup, good to go.

PATRICK and DAVID begin to walk away from the OLD MAN in the field. Once far enough from the scene, PATRICK pulls out his phone and calls an ambulance.

PATRICK Hello, an old man appears to have fallen in the field next to Brook Road.

He seems to be unconscious, in an army uniform and he has a rifle by his cut face. There’s also a large stone, so I’m pretty sure he tripped over the stone and hit his head off his rifle.

Based on his appearance I say he was holding a personal remembrance to his fellow fallen soldiers. Unfortunately, my friend and I have strict parents so we have had to head home, so we haven’t been able to stay with him.

Beat.

You’re very welcome.

PATRICK hangs up.

PATRICK (CONT'D) All clear thank god!

DAVID We’re never going back to Crim College!

PATRICK Ya got that right!

PATRICK and DAVID walk home together. Just as they are about home PATRICK stops and looks to David.

PATRICK & DAVID Yeah.

CUT TO: SCENE 6 INT. HOUSE - DAY CAMERA - FASTPACED: SHOT OF BLOODIED STONE BEING WASHED, OPENING LAPTOP, TYPING, PRESSING ENTER. CUT TO: SCENE 7 INT. INDUSTRIAL KITCHEN - DAY PATRICK and DAVID stand in the kitchen. DAVID stands in the background while PATRICK is in the foreground. PATRICK looks at the camera as he stirs jam in a pot.

PATRICK We soon realized that it was better to be working with jam rather than being stuck in a jam.

PATRICK sticks his finger into the pot and licks the jam off his finger.

CUT TO CREDITS.