The
Blue Pencil Lunar Revue
April Fools Day, 2017
A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
Betsy DeVos Visits Fairway? by Mark Penz
O
n Thursday, President Trump’s Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, came to Red Hook with the intention of visiting local magnet school, PS 15. The school had prepared for her visit by arranging a tour and inviting top students to speak with DeVos, who never showed. “This is outrageous!” exclaimed Principal Peggy Wyns-Madison, who expressed disappointment at DeVos’ absence. “We put a lot of time and effort into welcoming Ms. DeVos to our school. The least she could have done was call.” Professional protesters outside the school expressed disappointment at the turn of events, as they were hoping to chase off DeVos and cause a scene worthy of national news. However, television crews and incompetent Star-Revue staff left after it became apparent that the Education Secretary would not be coming. At the end of the day, the question left hanging in the air was, “Where on earth is Betsy DeVos?”
Secretary of Education DeVos discovers a supermarket in Red Hook and proposes a new place for school lunches. (photo by Penz)
Upon further investigation, LunarRevue staff found DeVos in an unlikely place: wandering the aisles of Fairway.
enraged at a sign that read, “Potato.” She was later seen trying to change the sign with a red sharpie to read, “Potatoe.”
“Former First Lady Michelle Obama’s Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act is clearly out of control,” DeVos stated. “There are like three children here and the entire place is full of food.” It soon became clear that DeVos having never stepped foot in a public school - was a little unclear on where she had ended up. “I never expected funds to be so mismanaged,” DeVos muttered to herself. “There’s a lot I can do with this.” DeVos proved difficult to convince she was not in a school. Every time she came across an adult, DeVos asked if that person was the principal. She refused to speak to anyone except the principal. Eventually, people gave up trying to tell Devos that she was in a grocery store and let her wander freely, though grocery store staff kept a close eye on DeVos. One child, spotted running from DeVos in tears, said, “Why is the scary lady yelling at me about potatoes?” It seems that DeVos had become
“I’m going to recommend a major pens if a bear attacks?” decrease in funding,” DeVos mused. President Trump later bragged about “Maybe we do away with public DeVos’ findings and recommended schools entirely. I mean, I didn’t see that Congress immediately start (continued on page 6) It seems DeVos incorrectly believes one gun in the building. What hapthat the word “potato” should be spelled “potatoe,” similar to the former Vice President, Dan Quayle. by Thee Thaw “I shouldn’t even have to do this,” the Secretary of Education crir. Tim Vetter, Assistant Principal at Summit Academy, usually ends his longer than average school days with a leisurely stroll “I shouldn’t even have to do this,” through Coffey Park. “It gives me time to reflect and unwind. Some days can be the Secretary of Education critough. So, naturally, I gravitate towards the tiqued. “It’s like people expect me swings.”
Swinging in the rain
M
to do everything.” tiqued. “It’s like people expect me to do everything.” “Obama’s Common Core has failed an entire generation of children. We must Repeal and Replace Common Core with an exact replica, except it should be called Devos Core,” she whispered to the potatoe aisle. At the end of her visit, DeVos was heard saying, “Well, I can’t say I expected better. Clearly there is an over-abundance of funding at this school.” Her solution?
Mr. Vetter was clear that he would never make children wait their turn, and often gives up his swing. But in the case of another adult, he practices the art of “first come, first serve,” as he likes to call it. So, on Monday, March 27, Mr. Vetter was enjoying his early evening swinging therapy when he was approached by Ms. Hadley Ruggles. She was also reeling from an exhausting, “but always rewarding” day as Head of School at BASIS Independent. She too required a swinging moment. However, every other available swing was unavailable. She watched the stress and tension seep out of Mr. Vetter for a few minutes. When she had decided that his turn was over, Ms. Ruggles announced to the assistant principle that his turn was over. Mr. Vetter was in utter disbelief because he simply did not believe he (continued on page 6)