Blue Pencil Lunar Revue A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
APRIL FOOLS DAY, 2013 Contemporary Art: Finnish abstraction in Red Hook By Richard T. Shaw
innish Contemporary Artist Seppo Rankinininin presents his latest installation “Men At Work” in Red Hook. The piece which is mounted on Van Brunt from President to Union is symbolic of the struggles encountered by the artist to get his work displayed in the United States. Previous installations have been presented in Bangladesh, Uganda and Peru. His most recent pieces entitled “Lone infant’s chair on quiet urban street” mounted in quiet Scottish coastal hamlet of Inverary. When Rankinininin decided to create another piece of abstract he had no idea what he wanted to do. He only knew he wanted the location to do the planning and creating of his artwork for him. “When I get to the place, the place will tell me what to do?” So why Red Hook? Rankininininin admits not to have heard of Red Hook prior to it being suggested as the location of “Men at Work” by his agent and mentor. “I thought it sounded like a type soup or dishwashing detergent. You know like a brand you’d see at your local supermarket.” Indeed, it was the only location offering itself to showcase his work. He quickly became aware of the neighborhood long history of inspiring artists and writers and on arriving in Red Hook quickly fell in love with the neighborhood “As I walked the streets of Red Hook and saw it residents going about their business, I thought what better way to symbolize the spirit of this place by digging up a busy section of Van Brunt Street and placing 47 orange and white traffic cones around this huge hole in the ground I have created.” Throughout Rankinininin’s career
This is the previous work.
his work as site-specific art has intersected with land art, process art, performance art, conceptual art, installation art, institutional critique, community-based art, and public art. That is very evident in the piece here in our very own Red Hook. Local workers actually dug the hole. However the piece can be viewed as problematic as it does disrupt the route of the B61 Bus. Local resident and art critic, Barry O’ Meara points out “The sitting of this art is more than an artistic problem. If we are to examine site specificity as a complex cipher of the unstable relationship between location and identity in the era of late capitalism, then we will see that this piece is complete non-
sense. Try getting a bus at 6 in the evening.”
and nothing more but these people are not be heeded.
Rankininin’s “Men at Work” is open for viewing at all times of the day for the foreseeable future.
Is this what Rankininin’s piece is trying to say? Art is nonsense and purposefully disruptive to everyday life. I’m not so sure. I found the piece to be quite exhilarating. When you walk down that section of Van Brunt street you are immediately struck by the sense of urban renewal, like it symbolizes Red Hook regeneration into something far greater than even Cobble Hill. I recommend each and every Red Hook resident to take 20 minutes out of their day to witness this great piece of art. Of course, there will be skeptics who will claim it is merely a work site like any other
Eight Pages of nonsense (Regular stuff starts page 9) The
Red Hook StarªRevue
SOUTH BROOKLYN’S COMMUNITY NEWSPAPER
The Red Hook Star-Revue 101 Union Street Brooklyn, NY 11231
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Happenings Monday April 1, 2033
NYCHA decided to make houses for big 6 ft tall bunnies. But they need all the public funds that they can get and here is your chance to join. They need 10 more volunteers to help with this project. If you or anyone you know would like to join (718) 624-5568 for more info.
Tuesday April 2, 2013
The Brooklyn Museum will be holding exhibits for “Plates of the Month.” Plates of the Month are their annual exhibit where they show drawings of plates that 5 year-olds drew. Tickets start at $1,000 a person and are $2,500 at the door. For more info call (718) 624-5568. Ask for Medea
Thursday April 7, 2015
The City of New York will be holding their first annual Spring Awaking Bear Parade right here in Red Hook. Since this is spring and the bear are finally waking, up the city thought it was only right to have a parade for them. This is event is free unless you want to be in the VIP section where tickets start at $200 a person.
Saturday April 26 2032
The Internal Revenue Service (IRS), TurboTax and H&R Block will be holding the first ever fight for the tax form computation. This will be a live game of chess where the employees will play as the chess players. The team that gets the best score will win and be in charge of all taxes this year. Tickets start at $6,000 a person and for VIP $10,000 a person. For more info call (718) 624-5568. Ask for Paddington.
Sunday April 28, 2020
Cora Dance studio will be installing a 10 foot pool for elders ages 90 + and that are aliens. Resignation will be held from now until February 12, 2019. Session will start out a $.01 for each class. For more info about this even call (718) 624-5568. Ask for the Janitor.
Sunday April 3, 2015
Carroll Garden Library will be holding a reading event for Stephen King’s “It” to little children. This event is only for kids that are 5 years old. Tickets start at $5 and $10 at the door. For more info call (718) 624-5568
Thursday April 19, 2014
Come and join as the city for their first annual Unicycle Race to the Whole Wheat Resort. As you may have heard the city is excited to announce this event and hope that many people will come out. To join the race will be $500 a person and to rent your own unicycle is $1200 a person. Along with this they will be selling tickets at $20,000 a person and families will be given discounts prices. For more info call (718) 624-5568. Ask for the Sanity Dept.
Wednesday April 12, 2025
This year will be the first every annual mice roast picnic. That right so if you like to eat roast mice come and join the fun. This event is free and will be held at all city parks throughout the five boroughs. So bring your family and friends for a day of fun and laughter all while enjoy some nice cooked mice. For more info call (718) 624-5568
Thursday April 13, 2018
Carroll Gardens Association (CGA) is holding their first annual Street Fair for narcoleptic dogs.
could be fiction department
“The Perfect Prom”
by Alliyah M. Leocadio
t was a Friday night when Ashley found out that John was invited her to prom. She knew he was one of the sweetest and coolest guys in the whole school. So when she found out he was taking her she was so excited, but she would be in for a rude awaked.
With prom only two week away she wants John to come over and meet her parents. When John arrives at Ashley house he was all dress up with a bouquet of Roses. After getting in the house and meeting her parents for the first time they thought he was a really sweet boy. The Big night was finally here and Ashley couldn’t be more excited. As she got dress into her sexy red gown with the matching pumps she starts to become nervous. Ashley began to think in the back of her head what made John want to go to prom with her. But there was no backing out know because John was down stairs waiting for her. After coming down the steps to greet John he hands her a dead crousure for her to put on. She looks at John like he must have been crazy. “What is this?” She asked “I got this just for you my mom had got this form her prom date and was saving it up for me to give to my date”, John answer. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing but I went along with since he was cute and everything. After leaving my parents house we then head to his old broke down, beat up tow truck. He opens the door for me so I could get in, so I wouldn’t trip. After he got in on the driver side we then drove off to go have dinner. But before getting there John stops by the gas station to get a 6-pack of Budweiser. “Hey Baby do you have any money on you so I can go into the store right quick to get some beer?”John asked. “No I don’t have any money on me and how you plan on buy beer and we’re both underage?” I asked “Oh don’t worry about that I got that cover come with me”, he said. So we both get out the car and head to the store. Once in the store John make an offer with the owner that he would trade me if he let him get a 6-pack. I thought John must of have lost his mind and I storm out the store furious. As we get back in the car I just tell him to take me straight to prom and that we could skip dinner. John agrees since he already knew he was broke with no money. On the way their when we stop at a red light out of know where John start working out. “I said what are you doing, how can you be working out and driving at the same time?” I asked. ‘”Its babe don’t you worry about that I got all that cover you just sit back and relax were almost there”, he said. I don’t see how he expects me to relax when this date is going already horrible. Twenty minutes latter we finally arrive in front of the school for prom. While he driving look for a parking space I’m thing to myself finally maybe this date will get off to a better start after all. Or maybe I just spoke to soon. When John finally found a parking space it was in the worse place possible we was a walking distance from the school. Then on top of that he park in the dirtiest spot you can think to park at. After helping me out the car and making me get my shoes dirty in the process we walk hand in hand toward school. When we walking in all eyes were on us and it seem like everyone was looking at us for all the wrong reason. After been taking to our seats food was serve and everyone start to dig in. While me and my girls were talking it seem like something was very wrong with John. So when I turn around to ask him what was going on he threw up all over my dress. It did take long for everyone to notice what was going on and to start laugh at me. So before John could even said anything I storm out the school running toward his truck. When he finally cut up with me I told him that I want him to take me home now. He didn’t even bother to ask me if I was okay or anything. The ride back to my house was very silent. When he finally pulls up in front of my house I got before he could even said anything. He then also got out the car himself and stop me to ask me a question, “Look I know I haven’t made this the best night ever but I was wonder would you go out with me again?” “No I would never go out with you again”, I told him and then I walk away.
Page 2 Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
April Fools Day, 2013 Page 2
Enterprise pays surprise visit to Justice Center
by John Iminhockenbery
ed Hook residents were given a rare treat early Monday morning as the Starship Enterprise arrived at the Red Hook Justice Center. The Justice Center has been experimenting with a form of justice hitherto unknown on earth, modeled after the Klingon system.
The Justice Center is an innovative facility which introduces new methods for dealing with crime. They seek to treat offenders as clients rather than criminals. Thus far they have only experimented with human justice systems. Klingons live in a different galaxy than humans, and the Center was understandably curious about their justice practices.
The ship set down early Saturday morning at the former Revere Sugar plant, now vacant after the stunning bankruptcy of Thor Equities. A contingent of officers made their way from the ship in front of 28 inebriated and cheering patrons of the Ice House.
The program, nicknamed “Maj,” the Klingon word for good, has been observed by visitors from Japan and Israel. “These are our first visitors from a spaceship,” noted Calabrese. Maj Justice consists mainly of killing and trial by combat. The sessions are led by M’Ak Mujok, a Canadian who recanted his terrestial roots. He was knighted as an honorary Klingon after completing a mail-order course. Upon meeting Worf and Tuvok, two real Klingons,
“I was finishing my last High Beam of the night when I noticed my shot glass rattling on the bar. I looked around and saw it was happening all over the place. So we all left and walked over to Beard Street to see what the hell was going on,” commented Bar“Bazemore, in addition lookbarella, one of the inebriated patrons. “We had no idea that the TV ing fit for his age, bears a program somebody was watching on their iPad slight resemblence to Worf. would suddenly come to life?” Captain Jean Luc “Ach M’Tok,” screamed BazePicard, Lieutenants Worf, Data, Geordie, Tuvok, Doctors Beverly Crusher more, ‘This cannot continue. and The Doctor, and the stunning 7 of 9 stepped Death by lethal weapon is a on Red Hook soil for the first time. little extreme, even for Red
The crew walked over to the Fairway, where Greg Hook.’” O’Connell Jr. hurriedly made a couple of apartments available. The visitors took a few hours to freshen up before their day of ob- M’Ak fell on his knees and starting servation. Then they walked over blubbering. “Get up, human, or face to the F&M Deli for a hearty break- my wrath,” Worf, the Enterprise sefast of eggs, bacon and toast. Worf, curity officer barked. Mujok regained
Mujok at the top of his lungs. “She told me to get up and go to school,” stammered the youth. The back and forth continued, with the screaming and blubbering becoming more and more intense, until finally, the youth buckled and fell to the ground. Mujok thought for a second, mulling his decision. Captain Picard and Wally Bazemore looked a bit concerned; while Worf was beaming, as much as a man with a forehead resembling an upside down melted candle can beam. “This man has dishonored his aunt!” screamed Mujok. “Death by lethal weapon, but no torture on account of his age.” At this point, Bazemore, a longtime community activist who has worked with the Justice Center before, cried out. Bazemore, in addition looking fit for his age, bears a slight resemblence to Worf. “Ach M’Tok,” screamed Bazemore, “This cannot continue. Death by lethal weapon is a little extreme, even for Red Hook.” Bazemore conferred with Calabrese, Mujok and several police officers and eventually all agreed to change the sentence to forced coaching of the Sayo Grays, during the upcoming season of the Red Hook Youth Baseball League. Dr. Beverly Crusher interrupted, making the point that yelling at one’s
aunt while half asleep is not so bad, but Mujok slapped her across the face, saying that a mere woman, a Takh, has no say in these matters. “Stick to your nursing station.” After being silent up until now, Captain Picard, looking strangely Dickensian, made a motion to speak. “There are some upon this earth of yours,” said Picard, “who lay claim to know us, and who do their deeds of passion, pride, ill-will, hatred, envy, bigotry, and selfishness in our name, who are as strange to us and all out kith and kin, as if they had never lived. Remember that, and charge their doings on themselves, not us.” At which point, all the police officers drew together around Mujok, bound him with chains and dragged him, kicking and screaming to the 76th Precinct holding tank. The Justice Center immediately dropped Klingon justice in favor of Navajo Peacemaking. The Enterprise Crew - all except for 7 of 9, who had scheduled a makeover at the OB Hair Salon - proceeded over to the Lobster Pound for a few rolls. Worf ate three raw lobsters claws and all. After a brief stop at Fairway to stock up on bagels, lox and schmear, they returned to the waiting Enterprise, ready for a return to the Alpha Quadrant.
Worf couldn’t find worms suitable for eating in Red Hook, but he did like the local wine.
still upset that his shower wasn’t hot enough, was seen digging for worms outside.
his composure and went back to lead the court in a couple of cases that had dribbled in.
Judge Alex Calabrese welcomed the gathering at the door of the Justice Center shortly before 9 am. Noting the strange contraption on the left side of 7 of 9’s face, he courteously allowed them to enter without having to go through the metal detector.
The first case involved a 17 year-old resident of the Red Hook Houses, who was picked up by the police for yelling at his aunt. The youth was led into the courtroom in chains - Klingon style. “Why did you yell at your aunt, you Hootay,” yelled
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
Available at Court Street Antique Grocers 486 Court Street Open in the past
April Fools Day, 2013 Page 3
Explosive Burrito A suspect device- believed to be a pipe bomb- was reported at the corner of Columbia and Union Streets in Red Hook . NYPD bomb disposal experts arrived at the scene only to discover it was in fact a half eaten burrito. Lt. Ulick McGee of the NYPD Bomb Disposal unit speculated that the burrito was most likely purchased at the nearby Calexico Taquiera and discarded when the perpetrator hastily boarded a B61 bus headed southbound on Van Brunt Street. Police are asking any witnesses to the incident to come forward at this time. Bird Trouble Local wildlife expert Barry O’Meara has brought a case against Red Hook residents who feed wildlife off of Valentino Pier. Apparently many Red Hook residents feed the ducks willingly but deprive the Canadian geese of any bread. Some reportedly made mocking geese calls and honks. He states, “Canadian Geese are capable of understanding discrimination as they show signs of complex associated learning and advanced long term memory. They know when they are the subject of ridicule and victims of favoritism. This behavior is un-
acceptable.” The case is pending.
A Bogus company claiming to handle all aspects of bat removal has been uncovered in Red Hook. They had been operating under the pretense of being a professional pest control company but clients were perplexed when an elderly man with a butterfly net showed up at their homes. When clients asked how he was going to conduct the service, he apparently waved the net in the air shouting “Bats be gone.” The company also claimed to remove raccoons, squirrels, woodchucks, snakes, skunks, birds, beavers and more. The brains behind this scam is on the run since Monday but believed to be hiding out in Cobble Hill.
National Dress A woman has apologized to the Bolivian Residents of Red Hook for a dress she wore in many public places along Van Brunt and Conover streets. The dress bore an uncanny resemblance to the Bolivian National Flag. She bought the garment in an unnamed local boutique and was unaware of any similarity with the Bolivian Flag or any other national Flag for that matter. Hector
Need a New Sign or Sign Repair?
Alfonso Ramirez, chairman of the Red Hook Bolivian Residents Committee says “ It is offensive to have our national flag wrapped around the buttocks. This would not happen to the Irish or Italian Flags so why should it happen to ours.” Police dropped charges and released the woman last Sunday.
Back to School P.S.15 was broken into early Sunday afternoon by four senior citizens who claimed they just wanted to recapture their youth. The two men and two women, all former students in the 1940s, were found reading books and writing in the composition books of current students. Two of the offenders intended to go behind the bicycle shed to smoke cigarettes and for some old fashioned “courting.”
Vigilante caught George Fiala, publisher of the Red Hook Star Revue has been unmasked as the Vigilante Crime fighter, Il Vagabondo. Il Vagabondo had been serving the homeless community in Red Hook for decades showing up at make shift cardboard-box houses and street corners in traditional Italian costume with fresh Pizza for street bums. Police had long described him as the city worst enabler of vagrancy. It is not yet known whether Mr. Fiala will be charged with a crime. Like James Caan, Mr. Fiala is believed to be, in fact, Jewish and not Italian.
The Red Hook Crit has been cancelled due to a shortage of adequate brake fluid. Capt. Raymond Rudolfo of the 76th Police Precinct claimed that the decision was made to protect the residents of Red Hook. “While vehicle brake fluid is in abundance in Red Hook, we have noticed an acute shortage of bicycle brake fluid. Outsourcing and the purchase of bicycle brake fluid in neighbouring Carroll Gardens and Boerum Hill was looked into but found to be an unfeasible solution. This left us with no option but to cancel the Red Hook Crit for 2013.” Capt Rudolfo warned residents to be viligant of cyclists wandering the streets of Red Hook. “I would appeal to all Red Hook residents to keep your doors and windows locked. If you see a cyclist do not approach it, turn around and walk in the other direction”
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Cruise Menagerie The Cruise Terminal at Red Hook’s Pier 11 has been found to be the main gateway of smuggling of illegal exotic animals into the country. A local man had been coordinating the multi –million dollar operation from a phone on his bed side locker and shipping the animals in his converted van to destinations as far as Tobyhanna, Pennsylvania. Some of the species found in the haul included a six fingered lemur, a venon spitting horned headed viper, a pair of lesser spotted rac-
coons, a flatfooted pygmy crocodile, two pairs of brightly painted testiculed remus monkeys and a Bengal tiger. He also had a West Indian Manatee with calf in a custom built water tank on the roof of the van. When arrested and questioned at the cruise terminal, he said that the animals were dead and were intended for display on the walls of the Red Hook Bait and Tackle. Captain Rudolfo disputes this version of events claiming the animals were clearing moving and making animal noises such as growls and squeals. The accused is due to appear in court next week.
New rules A last minute change at Brooklyn Greenway Initiative has cyclists scratching their chins, and shins too. The latest polemic from founder Brian McCormick is setting down strict new rules for vehicles that will be allowed on the bicycle paths, which someday will stretch unbroken along the Brooklyn waterfront from Greenpoint to Sunset Park. From May 15th on, only green unicycles will be permitted on the Greenway. In addition, only green underwear can be worn. And the underwear will be worn on the outside so it can be checked. Finally, the Greenway will be closed on bright sunny days so that Mr. McCormick can get some line-painting in. Farmers Market to sell farm equipment The Court Street Farmers Market will no longer sell any edible products, organic or otherwise. In order to better service the urban farmer, they will be featuring equipment from John Deere and Shoup Manufacturing. Hoes, rakes and shovels will be featured in the mechanical section, on the Court Street side of the market, and the side facing Carroll Park will serve as a display for threshing machines and tractors. This change was made at the least minute by a departing Mayor Bloomberg, who issued 3,492 executive orders on his last day of office. Smith and 9th a little strange The Smith and 9th street subway station finally opened after 17 years of construction. What commuters saw left them speechless. Instead of escalators taking them up to the high platforms, gin rickshaws are now pulled by unemployed New Yorkers up a ramp. Passengers have to wait in line for seats to get to the platforms. It was explained in a joint press release from the MTA and the Merchants of Mott Street, that it became too complicated to fix the existing escalators. In fact, nobody remembered how they worked in the first place. Interim MTA Chairman James Prendergast is a frequent patron of Wo Hop Restaurant, which gave him the idea.
April Fools Day, 2013 Page 4
Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
April Fools Day, 2013 Page 5
Fashion Blogger Suffers Nightmare in Red Hook Studio
esley Ware, a left-handed, fashion blogger with a studio at 183 Lorraine Street, in Red Hook, Brooklyn had a nightmare after accidentally falling asleep while making art.
It was a delightful, brisk, rainless April afternoon. Lesley was shopping at her favorite department store, Lord & Taylor, listening to tunes of jazz and rap on her iPod, deliberately moving from jewelry counter to counter gazing at earrings and trying to decide what to buy, if anything. Then out of nowhere a pair of identical twins in hot pink furry suits and masquerade masks started to walk towards Lesley she released a sharp shriek as one of them yanked her navy blue earbuds exposing her to the melodious tunes coming from the overhead speakers. They shooed her towards the escalator and into the shoe department on the stores’ upper level. She slouched as they dragged her moccasins and pushed her forward. Everyone around continued to shop, unaware of her distress. “I was stuck under the creatures’ command” Lesley recalled in an exclusive interview with The Red Hook Star Review. As they approached the floor, the pink beast started to communicate in a language of low mumbles and gurgles. Lesley was overwhelmed. There were 100s of carefully stacked black shoe boxes that towered over like a skyline. They pushed her down on a padded bench, measured her foot, and “forced my footsies, like hoofs, into an unsightly pair of pewter pumps embellished with rhinestones” Lesley emotionally recants “They were the ugliest shoes that I had ever seen”. The two pinkies looked at her feet and then looked at each other giving a deep mumbled grunt of approval. They then pushed her back on her feet forcing Lesley down the moving escalator, past the jewels, and into the revolving door. Lesley walked the uncanny Manhattan pavement in the horrid heels.
The monster twins took off their masks.
Lesley was last seen eating gumdrops wearing faded black suede skinny jeans with brown socks and red leather rubber soled orthopedic flats.
The America’s Cup Moves to the Gowanus Canal
Blue Pencil Classifed Ads To place your own ad in our next issue, please go see a shrink because you are obviously out of your mind.
Blubber whale. Has smooth skin and curly eyelashes. If found please return to Gowanus Canal. Set of green marbles. Also assistance to tighten a loose screw. Contact George at 718.624.5568 93 year old ghost. Has been haunting Columbia Street since 1973. Last seen on April 1, 2012. Answers to the name “Lassie”. For further inquiries, contact Greenwood Cemetery.
Creamer outranks 2% milk 3 to 1 as America’s favorite coffee condiment. I have exhausted my chocolate supply. The Easter Bunny ruined Christmas.
Samples of dry dirt from all states and countries. Moon samples also requested. Mail submissions to Red Hook Star-Revue, Attn: Matt Graber, 101 Union St.,Brooklyn, NY 11231.
World’s largest collection of crap discovered last week in Star-Revue filing cabinet. Among the collection: Spandex from the 80s, corroded batteries, hundreds of psychiatrists’ business cards, half eaten moldy cookies, lady things and wooden dentures.
Trained artist to draw 3-D stick figures. Must be comfortable with protractor style art and proficient in sketching smiley faces. Submit portfolios to firstname.lastname@example.org
In a unilateral decision, vodka and tequila have decided to join forces due to an overwhelming economical decline. The merged liquor will forever be called Vodquila & 3/4.
1973 Ford Mustang. In good condition, but all of the windows are smashed. You can have his baseball bat too. $3 OBO. Contact: email@example.com
Professional glue-smith to repair enlarged shell. Send resume to Humpty-DumptyisClutsy@redhookstar.com.
Mother-in-law. Intrusive,obnoxious and ill-mannered. Will pay new owner to take her away. Email: myhusbandisSTILLacheatingb*stard@redhookstar. com Rainy day for sale. Will negotiate for blue skies, spring warmth and tan lines. Call John Denver: 718.624.5568; or email sunshineonmyshoulders@ redhookstar.com
The size of the canal is of some concern, but the America’s Cup will adjust, allowing only smaller yachts than the boats of years past. The race released a statement saying “with beautiful waters like this, the adjustments will be worth it”. The race will take place June 30th beginning at the 2nd Avenue entrance near 5th Street in Gowanus. Although the race begins at 6 am, spectators are advised to arrive days early to secure seats at the rare and spectacular event.
Page 6 The Blue Pencil Lunar Revue
Moulon Rouge challenges Chicago to a singing duel. Will be held at Grand Ole Opry and will consisit of only Conway Twitty songs. Wednesday May 9, 7pm-till.
Cubic Zirconium engagement ring. Resizable, but fake all the same. Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
he most prestigious yacht race in the world, The America›s Cup, has decided to move from the planned location of San Francisco to the “always clean, and always green” Gowanus Canal. According to Events Director, Richard Bumblebiff the choice was an easy when they realized how fast the cleanup of the previously polluted canal was performed. “We were so taken by the essence of the murky water and hungered by the reeking smell of dirty, rotten fish remains,” Bumblebiff said. “We wanted to spotlight the location for all the world to see. A miraculous endeavor happened right before our eyes.” He went on to liken the cleanup with Mary Poppins snapping her fingers and singing a song. At the conclusion of the Star-Revue interview, Bumblebiff merrily skipped away humming “Spoon Full of Sugar” and swinging his arms happily.
Bounty hunters to track missing gorilla from StarRevue zoo. Must own net and tranquilizer gun. If interested, please consult Select Mail Oracle.
Undercover lifeguards to watch over unwitting blonde. Must be able to be able to remove scratch-n-sniff stickers from bottom of pool at any depth while distracting attractive lady. Email references to: that’snotfunny@ redhookstar.com All email addresses are valid. BP lunatics encourage your responses.
April Fools Day, 2013 Page 6
Dear Flabby, please answer my questions Dear Flabby, My 12 year-old son insists on riding his bicycle on the sidewalk. I have told him to ride his bike in the bicycle lanes that are all over town, but he just snarls at me. I have gotten complaints from all my neighbors about his proclivity at pedaling at full speed at them and swerving away at the last minute. When I approach him about this, he just laughs at me and says he wishes he didn’t have wussy parents. My son is an A student, and only rides after his homework is done. He is also a body builder and loves playing Crazy Taxi. The other day he applied to take driver’s ed. What should I do? Worried in Detroit. Dear Worried, As well you should be worried. But I imagine you do that a lot. It’s in your very nature. Perhaps try reading your horoscopes daily to determine when you worry will be at its worst. On those days, stay in bed and demand hot cocoa. As for your son, eh, he’ll be fine. Buy him brass knuckles, a spiky helmet and a super soaker. At least that way he can defend himself from those pesky pedestrians. Most importantly, do not approach your neighbors. They will probably snarl and bite you, if your neighborhood is anything like mine. Instead, take the high passive aggressive approach. Paint “My neighbor SUX on poster board and display it in your yard. That way, you never have to see them again. Good luck, Flabby
Dear Flabby, My wife of 23 years has taken to sewing in bed. This in itself is not a problem, being a quiet hobby, but I am confused about one thing. That thing is what she is sewing. She is making a shroud. She says that shrouds are a new hobby of hers. I checked around and found that a shroud is what people are buried in. We have always had a good relationship, in fact we took a vacation together back in ‘03. The other day I noticed that she was stitching in my initials at the top of the shroud. I am a hard worker, and save all my money, and give her a small allowance to keep up the household. What I am worried about is that she spent all of last week’s money on the thread needed for sewing in my initials. Am I married to a spendthrift? Elmer in Kansas. Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue
Elmer, It doesn’t matter what you are married to. You should be grateful that anyone was willing to marry you with a ridiculous name like that. Your mother should simply be ashamed of herself. Perhaps you were a hideous newborn - as I suspect you were - and in all of her delirium from having to bear you, she chose to name you after a stuttering Loony Tune. In any case, why must you look at the negatives in life? You are so cynical, you neither have a glass nor could it even be half empty. There is no need to be hateful to a woman that was actually willing to put up with your preposterous name. Beg this kind hearted soul for her forgiveness; for she deserves a medal of honor to stick with you for even 23 minutes. Good riddance, Flabby Dear Flabby, I tried to cook a goose last night. I’m not talking about the bird kind. The goose I am talking about is my landlord to whom I owe thirteen months back rent. I haven’t been paying it for two reasons. First, I lost my job and have no income. Second, I can’t get the water right in my shower, and if there’s one thing I can’t stand it’s a cold shower. Yesterday he told me that my goose was cooked, and he’s calling his lawyer. I didn’t know how a goose is connected to a lawyer, so I looked it up. It said that I’m in trouble. Nobody’s putting me in trouble, or cooking my goose even though I don’t have one. Once my exgirlfriend called me a silly goose. That’s the only time I thought I had a goose, but then she smacked me when I called her an ugly duckling. Anyway, I went to my landlords house and told him he was in big trouble for saying I was in big trouble and said I would cook him and see how he likes it. He told me I was in hot water and slammed the door in my face. Now what do I do? Confused in Oshkosh. Dear Confused, I think you should call yourself clever, instead of confused. What a bright and sprited persoon you must be. It is simply a shame your landlord and girlfriend cannot recognize the goose that laid the Golden Egg when they see it. But sweet darling, you really are a wonder among wonders. don’t be fooled by the pigeon s--t surrounding you. Count your chickens and watch them hatch before your eyes! This is not the story of Humpty Dumpty; it is the reprise of Chicken Little. So fly
like the wind and leave goose boy and ugly duckling far, far behind you. I love you dearly, my lovely poultry boy! Flabbs... Dear Flabby, My boyfriend keeps wanting me to stroke his nose hairs. I think he’s nuts but he looks real good in a suit. How do I make him have normal desires? Lucy in Des Moines. Lucy Stroke his nose hairs, duh! I mean, would you rather have to stroke his ego? Pffh, F Dear Flabby, They opened up a new restaurant down the block that sells fried chicken. I love fried chicken and even more than that, I love the smell. I have stopped going to work, or going anywhere for that matter except to the new restaurant. I had a girlfriend, but she told me once she couldn’t put her arms around me she was gone, and that happened last week. I also notice that my skin has become kind of oily, in fact I have to change my underwear twice a day now. You think the restaurant has anything to do with this? Salivating in New Jersey NEW JERSEY?!?, How did this letter get to me?!? I have specifically requested that letters from this horrible place be siphoned out of my mail, as they are toxic as are the people who send them. You do not deserve my words of wisdom, because
they will never register between your air-infested skull. Please desist from this absurd notion that I will ever be willing to give you as much as another thought or precious brain cell. They are simply too easily wasted on a nincompoop like you. I only sign my name so that you fully grasp the authenticity of my words. Good day! Flabbrinthine Gloinisht Thraseckiondbury Dear Flabby, You always have the right answers. So that’s why I’m writing. My favorite thing to do is look out the window. During the day I count the cars that pass by. At night, I take detailed records of the outdoor temperature, and keep it in an hourly ledger that also includes rainfall, if any. My friends tell me to get a life. My question is - what do they mean? Observant in Kansas City Dear So-and-so, I scratched out the remainder of your letter because I really only liked the first line. It is the only truth in the world. I DO always have all of the right answers. But for you, I have no answer because I simply cannot read the rest of what you’ve written. In any case, since I have no answer, this clearly means you question is invalid and so are you. That is my answer to you, So-and so
April Fools Day, 2013 Page 7
Unseasonable weather affects woman’s spring football league
t seemed like a good idea at the time. Over more than a few drinks at the Ice House one late November evening, Carla Baysmore and Hollis King worked out the details for a spring football league for women. The season was to begin in mid-March and last through June. Hollis arranged for the games to be played at Bay Street’s Ballfield 4. Flyers were printed up and by February they had enough sign-ups to field four teams. What they hadn’t figured was the unseasonable weather that hit the east coast starting mid-March. Temperatures went as high as the mid-80’s, and the humidity registered similar numbers. The first two weeks of the season went well, as temperatures were still normal. In order to field four teams, they played six to a side.
Six players to a side Six-man football is a scaled down version of the game designed to allow teams with small rosters an opportunity to compete at a high level. Sixman football has a long history in the United States and Canada dating back to the 1930’s when it was invented by a high school coach from Chester,
Rocky Sullivan’s team sports green uniforms.
Nebraska named Stephen Epler. While teams are smaller in roster size they are no less skilled than their larger counterparts. The game is filled with hard hits, long passes and breathtaking receptions. It’s a fast paced game that is not for the meek as every player on the field is eligible and must be ready to make things happen at any moment. With six players on either side of the ball each person must be in top shape and ready to cover more of the field
Page 8 The Blue Pencil Lunar Revue
by Corky McWhorter
than they would in the 11 man version of the game. Heat The problems began in week three. The broiling sun caused multiple cases of heat prostration and one of the games couldn’t be completed because not enough players were left to complete the fourth quarter. Baysmore and King met again, this time at Baked, over lattes, to try When word got out about the new uniforms the woman of the Red Hook Woman’s softball league were and figure out how wearing, NFL referees showed up to work for the $52 fee. to complete the uniforms exhibited some fine football. Speaking with Henrique Rique of the season. Weather forecasters were predicting the heat Lucy Sternwager, quarterback for the nearby Red Hook food vendors, we wave would last through the sum- Bait and Tackle team, threw for over found that their business has tripled mer. “I guess we’ll have to adapt,” 200 yards and three touchdowns as from what it was at the beginning of said King. “Since most of our players they beat Pok Pok by a lopsided 48-7 the season. “We have never seen such are threating to quit and hang out at score. Sternwager credited her per- hungry men!” exclaimed Henrique. Uniform malfunctions the beach in their bikinis, well, we formance to the new uniforms. might as well let them play in bikinis. “I was uninhibited. I felt a new free- Play has not been without incident, The went over to Fulla Shirts, and dom.” she said. “The first three weeks however. As if it were not hot enough worked out a deal where Fulla would I was very self conscious about the already, things got heated even more receive exclusive rights to sell game sweat stains that were showing up on a few of times, when over-eager devideos, in exchange for providing my clothes. No matter how much de- fenders latched onto the tiny bikini 24 bikini football uniforms, com- odarant and talcum I used, the stains bottoms and inadvertently pulled plete with shoulder pads and jocks. appeared, and a lot of my friends them down. After the first few of It should be noted that these tackle were watching. I ended up limiting these “pull-downs”, the referees games were taken seriously, and the my movements and throwing from took to carrying bath towels to help shotgun every play. These bikinis not cover up the rears. hits were hard from the beginning. only show me off a lot better than a The 76th precinct has had to triple Fulla worked overtime to have the stinky sweatshirt, but allow me to police protection, as some men tried uniforms ready by Friday, so the scramble and toss some quarterback to make their way onto the field when woman would have a chance to try sneaks into my repertoire.” the action got especially hot. Special on the uniforms before the Saturday barriers were erected to protect the Pok Pok didn’t stand a chance, as games. their quarterback, Martine Silvercup players, and the games themselves None of the single woman had any was actually a little embarrassed and were moved into the main soccer complaints about the change in style, threw some extra clothes on, which field in order to handle the throngs. in fact there was general relief at not stilted her movements. Special cooling tents with cold showhaving to wear long pants and sweaters were eventually put up to deal Economic revival shirts. A few of the married woman, with some of the more over-eager The genius uniform move has been modeling the uniforms for their husfans. Special blue footballs had to responsible for a mini-economic rebands, encountered some protests. After explaining that all the players vival in the Hook. The unseasonable be ordered, as the brown balls were would be wearing similar uniforms, weather had been driving everyone hard to see amidst all the rapidly tanand that the husbands would be ex- to Coney Island and the Rockaways. ning flesh. pected to attend the game, all were But when word got out about “Lin- Financially, the season was an overgerie Ball,” as it’s been referred to whelming success, and Baysmore on board. colloquially, the roads to Bay Street and King plan to start next season in Uninhibited play have become clogged with tourists, June, so they can uniform the ladies The first April games with the new mostly men. the same as this season.
April Fools Day, 2013 Page 8