EYES EVERYWHERE

from Gauge Spring 2023

It’s better this way

Don’t look at them. Focus on me. I’m breathing. I’m alive, I think. I don’t let them look me too closely in the eye, or maybe they’ll reach out and grab mine, twist them out of their sockets. They’ll stare at you, almost urging you to look at them. But you can’t, you hear me? It’s only going to make things worse for you later on.

Reach out, touch your toes. Make sure they’re still there. Don’t just look at them, COUNT them. Sometimes, they take one when you’re not looking, just to fuck with you. They know when you’re getting weaker, so let sleep come to you when it needs to. But don’t think you’re going to wake up feeling better than you do right now. You won’t. You’ll still be stuck here tomorrow, and the day after that. It’s hard enough as it is living through this, but it’s harder if you convince yourself this is a dream you’ll wake up from.

It’s the eyes you’ve gotta watch out for. They’re everywhere. They hide in trees and rivers, and one moment to another, you’ll turn around, and they’re staring at you. It makes it hard to think, hard to do anything. They think I’m crazy, but I’m the only one rational enough to adapt, you know? If I was like everyone else and convinced myself my mind was going, I’d be strapped in a chair right now. Listen to your breathing. How does it sound? Raspy and hurried or calm? Is it your breath? That’s the important question, that last one. Be careful with that.

I’m trying really hard to explain all of this to you right now, but I just realized I don’t even know who you are. You didn’t really tell me, did you? So…. Eyeballs? Toes? Anything you want from me? I know you’re taking pieces of me when I’m not looking. Soon, I’ll just be a brain flopping around, tendrils everywhere.

I can’t see as well in the dark. That must be why I didn’t notice at first. Let me see you. Let me feel your hands and know that I’m touching skin. After all, I don’t want to peel it off and see s omething different. Flesh, robbed and worn—dripping with blood. That’s how I’ll know. Oh, don’t look away now. Meet my eyes. Don’t pretend this disgusts you. You’re one of them, aren’t you? Own it.

Look at me.

Editorial: Elisa Davidson

Photography: Emma Cahill

Model: Kelly Chen

Makeup: Sae Phillips

Styling: Elisa Davidson