Me and My “Friend”

from Gauge Spring 2023

EASTER SUNDAY

didn’t feel my knuckles hit the wood. Waiting for her to open the door was excruciating. Of course, all of my thoughts were racing. It didn’t help that there was no response.

EDITORIAL: LILYBROWN

CREATIVE DIRECTION: LILYBROWN

MODEL: MELODYCHEN

Cara has been my friend for as long as I can remember. We grew up connected at the hip, practically living in the same house. She made me smile whenever she walked into a room. We would tell each other stories, create inside jokes, and even finish each other’s sentences as casually as anything. When it was just us, we could be kids forever.

And honestly, I miss having fun with her. We would hang out almost every day after school. I loved fighting dragons in the castle, casting magical spells in the forest, and searching for buried treasure hidden beneath the desert sand. Our soft giggles carried us through each day.

I really thought our friendship was everlasting, but something’s been off recently.

Lately, Cara has been distant. I barely see her anymore. At first, I thought it was nothing. (You know, everyone has their bad weeks.) But I was always there during those moments; we were each other’s rocks, always there for each other. I just feel so empty.

But enough.

Even though things have been weird, I needed to grow up. I’m just going to go over to her house and talk with her. I have to go see her and sort everything out. I am growing sick of waiting for her to come to me, and I want to get this crumbling friendship delusion out of my head. Everything is going to be fine. I told myself, I know it.

Running up the all-too-familiar front steps planted a smile on my face. Immediately, I opened their front door and let myself in as usual, sprinting to Cara’s room hoping she was home. While it was her house, I knew the place like the back of my hand. Within a minute, I was standing in front of her white-painted door.

I was hesitant to knock at first, but after a deep breath, I tapped three times. I knocked so fast I almost

I probably stood there for five minutes before I knocked again; still no answer. Maybe she wasn’t home, but I was not going to leave before checking. Twisting the metallic knob, I slowly opened Cara’s door. Her room was always one of my favorite places. The carnationcolored walls and floral decals were every child’s dream. Once the door was fully open, I noticed her lamp was on, and she was right there sitting at her desk, just staring at her computer screen.

“Hey, Cara!” I began, a smile still on my face.

“Sorry to just barge in, but I just wanted to come and say, hi!”

She barely moved, solely focused on what was in front of her. I started making my way toward the desk.

“I know you’re probably busy, and I’m so sorry if I’m bothering you, but I really think we should talk. Is everything ok?” Cara continued to not make any acknowledgment of my presence, and my expression started to fade.

Why is she ignoring me? Is she mad? I asked what was wrong, but she wouldn’t answer me. I must have done something really bad. As I walked up to her, I placed my hand on her shoulder.

“Are you ok?” I asked. Cara didn’t even flinch. Now worried, I started to freak out.

“Hey, look at me.” Her stoic expression was not changing. I tried shaking her out of this state, yelling, “Cara, please! Listen to me! PLEASE!”

Nothing was working.

Was this really happening? I left Cara to go find someone else in the house to prove I was physically there and was just being ignored by my best friend. Bolting downstairs, I stumbled upon her mother in the kitchen. I sighed in relief. Her parents loved me. They always used to greet me with a chuckle, Greetings Captain Gina. What mighty adventures are you up to today? She was busy washing dishes, but that didn’t stop me from trying to gain her attention. However, this time I wasn’t met with the same cheery welcome.

Instead, she also pretended that I wasn’t there. I tried everything from physically pushing to practically screaming at her. I did not exist. I began to cry. No, this isn’t real. It can’t be. Am I real? Of course I am. That’s insane. Am I dreaming? Why can’t anyone see me? What’s going on?

I ran back up to Cara’s room absolutely sobbing. A mess and simply not knowing what to do, I collapsed onto Cara’s bed and continued to break down while she continued doing her algebra homework, completely unphased by my bawling.

Stop crying. Just relax. Take a breath. My place of comfort suddenly feels like a trap. Don’t stress. Just breathe. Ground yourself. I began looking around Cara’s room, and it has changed a lot. Crayons replaced with nail polish. Photos we took together were replaced with ones of just her.

Seeing some of the little items and toys we used to play with still here was making me even more emotional. The cotton covers underneath my hands reminded me of the late-night sleepovers we used to have. We often found ourselves under the thin sheets telling each other our deepest secrets. The NSYNC and Spice Girls posters taped against her walls reminded me of when we used to blast their music and sing our lungs out. I missed our dance parties, and I will never forget how horrible some of our moves were, looking back. I feel out of breath as I did then.

And there was Uni the Unicorn, the only stuffed animal left. It was simply resting on top of her bookcase. What a magical creature from our past. That little plush toy came with us on all of the adventures we played on her carpeted floor. We were so creative when imagining which worlds we would explore daily. I will never forget pretending to play princess with our royal horse or simply having tea time together in the afternoon. He was the very essence of our childhood. (It’s funny how a made-up being can mean so much to someone.)

Rediscovering pieces from our childhood suddenly feels off. Is it all a bad dream, a nightmare in which I kept missing a key factor that would explain everything? I always used to help Cara through these wild thoughts, but now I’m dealing with them alone.

I sat there, motionless, as I raised my head to her ceiling. Tears streamed down my face slowly as our life flashed before my eyes. I was reminiscing about all of our play dates. I loved dressing each other up. I still laugh at all of our jokes. I miss when we used to hold each other, but now she cannot even feel me there. I wish someone would have told me how fast the years go by. It is truly difficult to come to terms that she moved on. Was I a good friend? I wish I could have stayed longer with her. Friendships come and go, but I never thought it would be ours. Everything is temporary, and I was merely one of those things. I miss how I made her happy, but does she miss me like I do–I will—miss her?

Scared. I’m doing my best to see the bright side. I’m trying to say goodbye. I never knew today would be our last day together, never thought that I’d be leaving my childhood home.

Now numb. Trying to pretend this isn’t real. No, don’t cry. I need to be strong for Cara. I can’t let her go just yet even though she has already left me. It felt like it was yesterday that we were each other’s best friends. I was there for all of the good and bad moments.

What felt like a lifetime was merely only a moment.

Little by little, I slowly started to fade. The numbness deteriorated as I disappeared into nothing.

This was expected as I was only imaginary, a mere thought created by my friend. But it’s alright. I’ve done everything that I could, and I will always cherish our time together.

Despite my broken heart, I offer Cara one last smile she will never forget.