Sunday
Page 32
May 30 - June 5 2005
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19.00 Doctor Who 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross It’s a shame that today is Sunday. 23.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.00 Cyderdelic 0.30 Spendaholics 01.25 Country Strife 02.20 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 03.20 Cyderdelic 03.50 Close Well, with the exams nearly over, the party season is almost upon us. There are parties galore next week at the gair rhydd and I can finally attend the ‘thank god it’s not a school night tour’ which I’m looking forward to immensly. Following that, I’m off to kick some ass on the links at Castell Coch. Granted it’s the course for people who can’t get into real courses but for five pounds, how can you complain. And you get to rake the bunker and everything. You just have to watch out for the extra hazards like cans of Fosters and the ubiquitous fag ends lying around.
6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? The molester in the corner. 10.25 Movies Now 10.40 Planet's Funniest Animals Master Matthew John Bater 11.10 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 12.10 Emmerdale Omnibus What’s red and pink and goes round and round? A baby in a washing machine. 15.00 Coronation Street Omnibus The epitome of taste. 17.30 Martin Johnson Testimonial 18.30 IRB Rugby Sevens Live 21.00 Film: The Mummy Returns (2001) And this time she’s pissed. She’s found out that you’ve been sleeping with Doyle sex-pest himself and she’s not happy. 23.25 Footballers' Wives Extra Time What’s brown and half eaten? The Pope’s Easter egg. 23.55 Coronation Street 0.25 Celebrity Love Island Live What’s white and can’t climb trees? A fridge. It goes with the show. 02.00 Teleshopping 04.00 ITV2 Nightscreen What’s the difference between a hedgehog and George Michael? If you get pricked by a hedgehog you don’t get AIDs.
19.00 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005 19.10 Europe: A Natural History 20.00 Travels with Pevsner 20.50 Samuel Johnson Prize 2005 21.00 Heimat Clearly spelt wrong. 22.00 A Digital Picture of Britain 22.40 Talking Landscapes 23.10 Landscape Mysteries 23.40 Europe: A Natural History 24.30 A Digital Picture of Britain TV John was demonstrating the finer points of jumping off the top rope (a la celebrity wrestling) until he realised that one slip and he’d end up falling two floors off the balcony onto the pavement below (because his top rope was the railing around the Union. Although, it did mean that, if he did fall, we could have run the headline, TV John: Dead Mate and we would have had exclusive pictures from the scene before anyone else. We really need to get out more. And you do too, you’re reading this rubbish. Yeah, you. Stop reading! God, I’m such a loser. 01.00 Proms on Four 2004 Suitable for ages 39-72. 03.10 Europe: A Natural History 04.00 Close
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6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 British GT Championship 7:30 World Superbikes 8:00 The Cricket Show 8:25 Vee-TV 8:55 T4 Futurama Tafod wanted me to write some joke about Fry getting his lightsaber out for Leila but I decided against it because it shows we’re far too knowledgable about the show. 9:25 T4: Popworld 10:20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12:55 T4: California Dreaming 13:30 T4: Big Brother’s Little Brother 14:30 T4: The O.C. They took away my OC last week but now I get double the pleasuure of this afternoon. I think I’m drooling slightly. 15:30 T4: The O.C. 16:30 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17:25 Cocoon: The Return (1988) 19:30 Channel 4 News 20:00 Pioneer House 21:00 Big Brother Oh fuck, it’s started and now you’ll have the opportunity to listen to pseudo-psychologists talking crap about nothingness within the house. I’ll still be abstaining by now and not watching BB. 22:00 The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996) Now I would go mental on this and reveal sordid secrets about certain members of the office (because, let’s be honest, who doesn’t like a bit of gossip?) but I’m going to restrain myself and not say a word. Just read Thursday’s listings. Muha. 0:10 Today At The Test 0:45 Big Brother Live This is one of those voyeuristic moments when you can watch them sleeping and not get arrested. 03:05 World Touring Car Championships 04:00 Speedway Grand Prix 04:55 KOTV 05:20 Countdown 06:05 Close
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6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 9.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9.55 Celebrity Wrestling 11.05 Survival Special An evening with Doyle. 12.10 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 12.45 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.45 Creature Comforts 13.55 Creature Comforts 14.05 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 15.05 World Rally Championship 16.05 British Touring Cars Championship 17.05 Urdd Eisteddfod 17.55 Going to Seed 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 The Last Detective Towpath of Glory 22.30 ITV News 22.35 Celebrity Love Island TV Katie says she has become addicted to this. Abi Tits-and-arse revealed herself ‘accidentally’ last week and I’m in no way suggesting that was a method of raising ratings. Shit show. Nice tits though. 23.05 The Real Mary Poppins: A South Bank Show Special So they’ve found a woman who can float around on an umbrella, can look after children and has a ridiculous Tardis-esque bag. I don’t fucking think so. If she is real I propose we sell her to a medical research lab and cut her up to find out what’s wrong with her. Well, we do it with mice. 0.05 It's My Life 0.50 Essentials of Faith 01.15 IRB Rugby Sevens 02.10 Motorsport UK 02.45 Trisha 03.45 Loose Women 04.25 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News which I’m never going to watch.
Mad Cows S4C 3.25am
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6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times 11:30 Gardeners' World 12:30 Sunday Grandstand 12:35 Italian Motorcycle Grand Prix 14:00 Golf: British Amateur Championship 15:00 Athletics: Norwich Union International Match 17:30 Racing from Chantilly 17:40 French Open Tennis 18:40 Match of the Day Live: Women's Euro 2005: England v Finland Now I’m not being funny, I’ve watched Women’s football and to be fair, they’re pretty fucking good (they could kick my ass at Wembley singles) but what is the deal with the goalkeepers? They’re all elbows and can’t seem to catch anything. Come on, sort it out. 21:00 Horizon 21:50 Things I Wish I'd Known When I Was 20 How to find the clitoris, what constitutes a good song, how cool hats look when you have long hair, how to turn on a man, understanding the concept of skatting (thanks Will), quantum field theory, intimate details of a(ny) woman, I am 20 you penis, the German national anthem, the difference between a bic razor and a garden scythe, how to fend off pests, Elgan, the way to San Jose, Japanese. 22:00 Mock the Week 22:30 Storyville: McLibel 23:55 FILM: A Love Divided (1999) 01:35am: Close 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Workskills in the Media: The Complete Guide 03:00 Careers 04:00 Advertising 05:00 Theatre and Television
Cocoon: The Return C4 11.10pm
6:00 Big Brother Live 15:00 Sin City: T4 Movie Special 15:30 California Dreaming I was in some generic clothes shop last week and I heard what can only describe as the rape of California Dreaming. Some piss poor DJ had decided it would be fun to beat box behind the song and repeat some of the lyrics. Whoever he is, he should be shot. If you can provide us with any information, we’ll gladly pass it on to Bastion who can send the record and the DJ, to Davy Jones’ Locker. 16:00 Faking It USA 17:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 18:00 The O.C. So as revealed here last week, Caleb is going to die soon just after he and Julie get a divorce. Trey is going to leave next episode because people generally don’t like him. That’s the extent of my knowledge at the moment but expect more spoilers next week. Yay. 19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Scrubs 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives 23:00 Big Brother’s Little Brother 0:00 Big Brother Live
6.00 Softies 6.05 Bear in the Big Blue House 6.30 The SaveUms! 6.45 Franny's Feet No relation to Fanny Street at all even if they do sound fairly similar. It would be good if Franny’s feet was filmed in Fanny Street. Then Cardiff would be famous for something. 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.20 Mio Mao 7.30 Funky Valley 7.35 Make Way for Noddy 7.50 Rolie Polie Olie 8.25 Franklin 8.50 George Shrinks 9.25 The Secret of Eel Island9.40 Aliens among Us 9.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge10.55 Snobs 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 Rooted 12.30 Tim Marlow's Judgement Day: Images of Heaven and Hell 13.05 five news update 13.15 Film: Apache Drums (1951) 14.35 Film: Six Black Horses (1962) 16.05 Film: The Year of Living Dangerously (1983) Oh yes, the year I was born. Criminals roamed the streets and the sky turned a blood red. It seemed that a signal was being sent to the people of the world. Then a red headed demon was born. Me. Scary. 18.05 five news 18.20 Film: That Darn Cat (1997) that wanders Richards Street with half a tail and a hiss that sounds like he’s smoking forty a day. That’s one for vets in practice, if they ever graduate. 20.00 Joey 20.30 Two and a Half Men 21.00 Film: Striking Distance (1993) 23.00 World's Wildest Police Videos 23.55 Wildboyz 0.25 ITU Triathlon 01.05 US Major League Baseball Live 04.05 Motorsport Mundial 04.30 Five Football Replay Droitwich Spa v Malvern Town FC.
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6:00 Breakfast 9:00 News 24 Sunday 10:00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11:00 Call My Bluff 11:30 Countryfile 12:00 Animal Park 13:00 BBC News 13:05 Bargain Hunt 13:35 The Father Dowling Mysteries 14:20 EastEnders 16:15 Holiday 10 Best 16:55 Points of View 17:10 Songs of Praise 17:45 Last of the Summer Wine 18:15 Star Portraits with Rolf Harris As Rolf is painted, the comedic artist deciides to try some Rolf magic of his own by constantly stopping to ask, ‘can you guess what it is yet?’ Cunt 18:45 20th Century Roadshow 19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 55 Degrees North 21:00 A Picture of Britain 22:00 BBC News; Weather Since my change of image in the office this week (that is, a new hat to hide my enormous hair), everyone is either stealing the said hat or claiming that I’ve turned all emo. That was just about the time I curled up in the corner with some headphones and listened to a Dashboard Confessional album whilst my heart bled on my sleeve. Woe is me. 22:15 FILM: The Mothman Prophecies (2002) I’m divided over this film. There is a scary part and I like the fact it’s based on a true story but then it’s got that twat in it. And that makes it slightly crap. Ramble, ramble, ramble. 0:05 The Sky at Night Yup, still black and vast. Same as ever. 0:30 Joins BBC News 24
Mock The Week BBC2 10pm
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6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 British GT Championship 7:30 World Superbikes 2005 8:00 The Cricket Show 8:25 Vee TV 8:55 hit40uk 9:25 Hollyoaks 9:55 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Hollyoaks 12:00 The Guardian Hay Festival: Jung Chang Turns On Mao 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Star Trek: Enterprise 13:45 Star Trek: Enterprise 14:30 Big Brother’s Little Brother 15:30 The Michelangelo Code: Secrets Of The Sistine Chapel 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws 19:30 Rhwng Duw A Dyn Awkward Welsh language which I can’t spell. 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20:30 Rhyfel Y Cymry 21:00 Y Goron 22:05 Newyddion 22:20 Tipyn O Stad 22:50 Big Brother 23:50 Abba: Behind The Blonde 0:55 Today At The Test: 2nd Test: England v Bangladesh 01:25 Big Brother Live 02:30 South American Football Championship 2005 03:25 FILM: Mad Cows (1999) 05:00 Close