Award-Winning Television
May 30 2005
Page 25
reeswithaspoon@inspired.com
This week’s last tangerine in the TV fruitbowl May 30 - May 5 2005
Last Of The Summer Wives The curtain goes down like Edie in an elevator
HOT
NOT
Djimi Traore Somehow a winner of the most prestigious club football tournament in the world. I think I could’ve outshone his first half performance. Fair play though for a decent second half and a brilliant goal-line clearance that kept the Scousers in it.
SOAPS Finally, Karl has left Izzy and now the way has been made clear for him and Susan to get back together. In what seems like the longest running storyline on Neighbours in decades, Karl and Susan (now the will-they-won’t-they couple of the century) have split up only to slowly come back together. Expect sparks to fly in the coming week (aside from the butch nature of Susan’s real lifestyle - she went out with Libby! No really!). Lisa has fallen in a big way for Ben in Hollyoaks and, I’m reliably informed, wants to ride him until the sun comes up the next morning. That would make for interesting viewing. Perhaps we’ll see a return to the late night Hollyoaks episodes just so they can run the story for us filthy baying hounds. Sex in Hollyoaks? Do bears shit in the woods?
Har’ Kewell After a season of pretending to be injured Kewell ‘ my s t e r i o u s l y ’ regianed his fitness when Liverpool got to the brink of the Champions League trophy. He lasted 23 minutes in Instanbul before crying off to a chorus of boos to be replaced by Vlad Smicer. Winners medal he deserved not.
Only one more week of the lovely lasses from Wisteria Lane, and although we’ve given them more column inches than Nelson the Desperate Housewives (C4, 10pm like you didn’t know) are about to bid us farewell. It seems fairly apt that our programme of the year wraps up practically the same week we do, bless. But that’s not important, hopefully we’ll get to find out the truth about the Youngs, what’s going to happen with Gabrielle (and John’s?) baby, and whether Bree will finally do the dirty and get the S & M gear out. YES! Well bugger me, this is the penultimate gair rhydd of the year and what a whirlwind it’s been. I’ll save all the sentimental crap for next
CDs TO RENT BUY Oasis are releasing their new album this week. Great! Wow, let’s party like it’s 1996. No. I’d like to sit and write about some other things that are out next week apart from the manc-ky ones, but left with a choice of Smog, who nobody cares about, and Turin Brakes, who nobody likes, it’s all a bit thin on the ground So let’s avert our attention back to Don’t Believe the Truth:- well you’d better believe this truth, it’s going to be fucking rubbish! The artwork’s rubbish, the single was rubbish, and all the songs Steve Lamacq and “your man” Zane have been digging, like Mucky Fingers are also falling on the wrong side of dignity-retaining. Pfff although at least their record got to number one and weren’t being out-sold by That Knobbin Frog by four copies to one, mmm Chris Martin? That’s about it folks, apart from that the new Sleater-Kinney album, which promises big things of the post riot-grrrl outfit, mixing their usual literate punk with the lunacy of Deep Purple and other 70s classic rock, which in theory sounds like sex on a CD. Hooray.
week but I hope you’ve enjoyed the rubbish we’ve written as much as we’ve enjoyed writing it (yeah, staying up until 3am every Thursday is great). My first pick of the week, yet another reality show (is there anything else?), is Ladette To Lady (ITV1, Thursday, 9pm) in which ten ‘notorious’ ladettes (i.e: fledgling zlist celebs who want to kickstart their careers) are sent to an ‘old fashioned ladies’ finishing school’, whatever the fuck that means. Surprisingly though things don’t go to plan (because of the pub situated right next door) and there will be filth and sleaze aplenty. Expect many boobs and bums as well as ridicu-
lous comments from the obviously stupid women. Sure to be a winner. As everyone knows, this week is half term and as such it means there are a plethora of fantastic shows on for recovering students to watch in the mornings. My second pick therefore is Asterix vs Caesar (BBC2, Tuesday, 11am) merely because I can watch it too because I’m not working. Joy. So, enjoy your half term even though it’ll be no different from any other week apart from the annoying school children roaming around town looking angstridden and bored and getting under your feet at any opportunity. If TV Grace’s experiences are anything to go by, expect annoying chavs to ask you to buy cigarettes for them at your local dodgy newsagents. I love the holidays.
DVDS TO RENT/BUY Pickings so slim this week they make Ashley Olsen and Jessica Simpson look like big chunkified blobbers Errrm anyone who’s a twat and hasn’t ever seen any film before, ever, might want to check out Elektra which is basically Daredevil with worse acting, should that be possible, and not even Evanescence to back it up. Megamegamega rubbish. Also, there’s season 3 of Alias which is about as much fun as giraffe sex, and there’s Nip/Tuck series 2 which I was convinced had been out for fifteen years already whch shows up how much I know. Ermmm what else? I’ve got no idea, I think there’s some Lone Ranger DVDS out on Monday, so if you like watching men in masks getting tasty with Indians and horses, then that’ll be right up your canyon. For the rest of us, let’s just hold out for the League of Gentlemen movie and not rent/buy anything at all.
SPORT It’s that time of year again. Yep, Cardiff gets invaded by eastenders and West Ham go home with their tails between their Scotch eggs (geddit!), you guessed it, the The Play-off Finals (Sat, Sun and Mon Sky Sports). Can Sheff. Weds regain promotion to Pepsi Nationwide Vauxhall Division Championship? Who knows?
FILMS The classic film on this week, which you have to watch purely for the one famous scene, is One Million Years BC starring that girl from the Shawshank Redemption, Raquel Welch in her lovely, furry bikini. Evidently there’s a plot, but she’s got big boobs which she shows off so that’s all you need.
RADIO Wow, there’s something worth listening to that doesn’t involve that American guy and random punk mucic from the West coast. Look out for Shake, Rattle And Roll (Radio 2, Thursday, 9pm), presented by Mark Lamarr looking back at ‘lesser known, vintage records from some vast collection.’ I have no idea what this actually means in terms of the music but it sounds good and is a new series. Radio 2 is fast becoming the best station by a long way (apart from my beloved Kerrang). This week, ‘because it’s cool’, you should tune into The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy (Radio 4, Tuesday, 6.30pm) which is being read out ever so slowly over so many weeks. Granted, this week it’s number five of eight but you’ll get the idea before you go off to see the film.