Sunday
Page 28
May 9 - May 15 2005
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19.00 Doctor Who 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Generation Jedi 22.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.00 Swiss Toni 0.30 Monkey Dust You absolutely, positively must watch this superb, dark, very weird comedy show. If you’re PC then fuck off, you shouldn’t even be touching this paper, and you certainly won’t appreciate this slice of genius. If you, on the other hand, are normal, then you will love the first time cottager, the perpetually lying husband and the suicidal dad. Fucking great. 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Generation Jedi I was walking through Cardiff the other day when some kids started a discussion by saying ‘who would win out of Luke and Dooko’. Fucking hell they need to get out more. And the new film will be shite as the other two were. 02.55 Bang! Bang!
6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Halle Berry... Love Chain 9.45 Justin Timberlake... It's Good to Be 10.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 11.10 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 12.10 American Idol 13.05 American Idol 13.30 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.20 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.45 Celebrity Wrestling 20.00 American Idol 20.50 American Idol 21.20 Film: Threesome (1994) Every male’s fantasy, and soon to be realised in the gair rhydd office. There have been sniffings of sexual conduct taking place in the, now derelict, Xpress offices. If we catch them, we’ll print the pictures in the paper and on the net. Promiscious journalists are the worst kind. 23.10 Coronation Street 23.40 Footballers' Wives TV 0.10 Footballers' Wives TV 0.40 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 01.10 Million Dollar Babes 01.40 Sally Jessy Raphael Is she a turtle? Raphael was the coolest one: red bandana and fork things. 02.20 Teleshopping 04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen
6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 9.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9.55 Celebrity Wrestling would be much more interesting if it was more like Celebrity Deathmatch so we could actually rid ourselves of Z-list celebs. 11.10 Survival Special Year of the Chimpanzee 12.10 Waterfront 12.45 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.45 FILM: Ever After: A Cinderella Story (1998) 15.55 The Real Billy Elliot Diaries 16.25 World Rally Championship 17.25 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 17.55 Going to Seed As the season changes, Doyle goes on heat with the sole ambition to bed as many women as possible. His erotic dance seems to work wonders and baffles the men around his who think, by rights, he should be a monk. 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 William and Mary 22.00 Town and Country 23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show Paul Abbott 0.05 It's My Life 0.45 Essentials of Faith: a god, a church or place to worship, some old guy to talk patronisingly to you, some holy book of some sort, lots of wine, bread, people back you up in your belief, no brain, abandoning of all reason, no reading of books which deny your faith and a strange glint in your eye. 01.10 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.05 Trisha 3.00 Today with Des and Mel, Des grabbed Mel’s boob. 03.55 Loose Women 04.30 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News
19.00 Broadway: The American Musical 20.00 Broadway: The American Musical 21.00 Broadway: The American Musical 22.00 Inside the Orange Revolution 23.00 The Soviet Union's Last Stand and to cut a very long story short, they lost. Badly. 0.00 Broadway: The American Musical 01.00 Broadway: The American Musical Just in case you miss the show at 9pm and 10pm, you can catch it again now at 1am and at 2am. It must be because it’s such a great show? Musn’t it? I mean, it can’t be because BBC4 don’t have any good programmes to show? 01.55 Broadway: The American Musical 02.55 Inside the Orange Revolution 03.55 Close At the moment, the office is enthralled by the election unravelling before our eyes. What is the problem with too many of the fucking idiots in this country voting BNP. In my immigration laws, racist cunts would be shipped off to the Pacific Ocean and have their boat sunk. Then I’d film it and create a new reality TV show. I’d watch it.
Film: 20 Fingers S4C 3.05am
6:05 Making It 6:10 Teh Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 Thunder Racing At The Rock I’ve found out this has nothing to do with Thunder in Paradise or Hullk Hogan. Shame. 7:55 World Superbikes 8:25 Vee TV 8:55 T4: Urban Music Festival: The Young Disciples 9:25 T4: Popworld 10:20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus Everytime I turn on C4 on a Sunday, this bloody show seems to always be on churning out more and more non-ugly people. I’d quite like to live in Hollyoaks merely for Becca. Mmm.... 13:00 T4: Friends 13:35 T4: The O.C. Or T’oc as some northerners call it. 14:40 T4: The O.C. 15:40 T4: Star Trek Enterprise 16:35 T4: Star Trek Enterprise 17:30 The Airships 18:30 Time Team Special Tony Robinson has gone down in my estimations after he was spouting some shit about how great Mr Blair has been as PM. Keep on digging Baldrick. 19:30 Channel 4 News 20:00 Pioneer House 21:00 The 100 Greatest War Films American Beauty, Shawshank Redemption, Care Bears: The Movie, Action Force: The Movie, Donnie Darko, Reservoir Dogs and Mississippi Burning. Oh wait... 0:15 The Deer Hunter (1978) One of the earliest episodes of South Park revisited with screams of ‘THEY’RE COMING RIGHT FOR US’ to be heard everywhere. 03:30 French Football: Le Championnat 05:20 Countdown 06:05 Close And so ends another Sunday of entertainment and drivel from those at C4.
14:00 Average Joe 15:00 The Next Joe Millionaire 16:00 The Next Joe Milloinaire 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Scrubs Oh, oh, oh new series of Scrubs. I watched it last week and it is great. New plotlines to be revealed next week. 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives 23:00 Scrubs 23:30 Scrubs 23:55 The O.C. 12:50 Playing It Straight 01:50 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 02:35 ER 03:20 Switched 04:00 Close Today has gone so slowly in the office. Editor Gary had to go to hospital because he was beaten with a shelf by his manic housemate. We’ve vowed to fight back for the good of the paper and are planning the sweetest form of revenge...have the news monkey try and pull said housemate to within an inch of their sanity. It’s the Roland Rat laugh that really gets me going. That’s another show to bring back, Roland and his rat pack. I love the 80’s so, so much. Goodbye.
6.00 Softies 6.05 Bear in the Big Blue House 6.30 The SaveUms! 6.40 Bagpuss 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.20 Milkshake! 7.25 Ebb and Flo 7.30 Funky Valley 7.35 Make Way for Noddy 7.50 Rolie Polie Olie 8.25 Franklin 8.50 George Shrinks 9.25 The Secret of Eel Island 9.40 Aliens among Us 9.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge This week, she takes part in the new gameshow, 99 Ways To Lose Your Virginity. Michaela is tied between number 54 (tag sex during the ‘best feature’ section of the Media Awards) and number 97 (using a sex toy to rip apart both holes). Viewers get to phone in to help her decide. More people will phone into this than voted in the election. Dirty little whore. 10.55 Snobs 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Andalusia: The Legacy of the Moors 13.05 five news update 13.20 Film: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963) 16.10 Film: Driving Miss Daisy (1989) 18.00 five news 18.25 Film: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998) Hulk Hogan is in this film! Surely that’s more than enough to warrant watching this awesome Karate Kid rip-off. 20.00 Joey 20.30 Two and a Half Men Doyle finally fulfils his ultimate taboo fantasy. 21.00 There's Something About Geri Yeah, she’s fat, ginger, annoying, can’t sing and abuses dogs. 22.30 The Farm 23.20 World's Wildest Police Videos 0.15 ITU Triathlon World Cup 01.05 US Major League Baseball 04.30 Portuguese Football has lots and lots of fuego and ola.
P R I M E T I M E
6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times 11:30 Bill's Food Bill Murray redcalls his favourite food from some of his most famous films. Groundhog Day: pork, Ghostbusters: jelly, Lost In Translation: weird Sushi stuff.11:55 The Nation's Favourite Food 12:25 Sunday Grandstand 12:35 French Motorcycle Grand Prix 14:00 Golf: British Masters 17:40 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 18:10 Natural World 19:00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20:00 Hawking This wasn’t too bad when it was on last year. Sadly enough, I actually have A Brief History of Time on my bookshelf. Clearly, never going to read it but at least I can pretend to be intellectual. 21:30 Dead Ringers 22:00 Storyville: The Fog of War Thankfully nothing to do with Dogville. 23:45 FILM: The Boston Strangler (1968) Not unlike the stalker in Neighbours at the moment although probably slightly harsher. 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: Adult Learners Week: Skills 03:00 Adult Learners Week: Books 04:00 Adult Learners Week: Diversity 5:00 Adult Learners Week: Beliefs This show claims to be ‘adult education’ so clearly this is about taboo sex between members of the Catholic church. The only way to avoid becoming pregnant if you’re not allowed to use a condom? Take them up the chuff. Seedy religion if you ask me. My official title is, TV Manners: Pope Basher.
Time Team Special C4 6.30pm
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6:00 Breakfast 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 In the Power of the Spirit 11:30 Countryfile 12:00 The Politics Show 13:00 Bargain Hunt 13:30 The Father Dowling Mysteries 14:15 EastEnders 16:10 Holiday 10 Best 16:50 Final Score Why is this on a Sunday? They should really show cartoons like they used to. ‘Bring back Tom And Jerry’ will be my next campaign 17:25 Points of View 17:40 Songs of Praise 18:20 Last of the Summer Wine 18:50 Antiques Roadshow 19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 FILM: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) This is definately the best of the trilogy. The moral ending with the smallest and most humble cup being that of the big JC stirred my soul. Sean Connery’s sterling performance and the action packed scene mean this is unmissable. And no, none of the above shows any hint of sarcasm. Why don’t you believe me? Heathen. 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 Match of the Day 23:45 FILM: When Saturday Comes (1995) I’ll be off to the Media Awards and, for the first time, sitting on the gair rhydd table instead of the Xpress one. I guess that means I’ll be doing th heckling then. Argh! I’m a tosser! 1:25am: Joins BBC News 24 Nah, I’m not really, I’m only joking. If you go along to the Media Awards or the aftershow party, don’t lynch me, come and say a big hello and give me a hug. It’ll make me feel better.
Monkey Dust BBC3 0.30am
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6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 Thunder Racing At The Rock 7:55 World Superbikes 2005 8:25 Vee TV 8:55 hit40uk 9:25 Hollyoaks 9:55 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Hollyoaks 12:00 Manifesto 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Rownd A Rownd 13:30 Rownd A Rownd 14:00 Star Trek: Enterprise 14:45 Star Trek Enterprise 15:30 Dudley 16:00 Cwpwrdd Dillad 16:30 04Wal 17:00 Hip Neu Sgip? 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws 19:30 Rhwng Duw A Dyn 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau 20:30 Cofia 60: Rhyfel Y Cymry 21:00 Newyddion 21:10 Cyngerdd Yr Eisteddfod Gyda Julian Lloyd Webber 23:00 Tipyn O Stad 23:30 The 100 Greatest War Films 02:40 Morgan & Platell 03:05 Cinema Iran: 20 Fingers (2004) Ridler’s girlfriend discovers the delights of out of bounds fun at the Media Awards. Feisty. 04:30 Diwedd/Close Ok so that was below the belt. Harsh but fair.