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rhydd free word - EST. 1972

SIR JOHN MAJOR? Our very own irate Northerner gets to grips with this year’s Honours List

ISSUE 786 May 9 2005




Hitchhiker’s Guide special, and Mötley Crüe. Quench continues to spoil you...



Cabbie commits sex attack on student

Indian or Pakistani in appearance Probably aged in his late 20s or early 30s Of medium build and around 5ft 10 inches tall Dark scruffy hair and a dark beard with a few days’ growth Chubby, rounded face with a big nose Spoke English well but with an Indian accent

A CARDIFF STUDENT was subjected to a terrifying sexual assault when a taxi driver attacked her on the journey home from a night out. The 20-year old, who got into the cab on St. Mary’s Street shortly before midnight, asked to be taken to the Cathays area and was instead driven to a secluded road. The driver then got into the back of the taxi and sexually attacked her, before driving her back to Cathays. Police believe he was driving a genuine black taxi, but are unsure if he was licensed. Rather than turning right at the end of the High Street towards Cathays, the driver turned left and drove to a secluded area. Aware that she was being taken in the opposite direction, the student challenged the driver.

Detective Constable Stuart Davies said: “She asked him why he was heading that way, but he said it wasn’t a problem.” Reassured, she turned her attention back to text messaging a friend. "The taxi eventually stopped about five minutes later in a quiet spot – possibly in Canton, Fairwater or Cardiff Bay," said Davies. "The driver then got into the back and sexually attacked her with force. "She struggled with him and it’s that resistance which possibly prevented him going even further." The attacker has been on the loose since mid February, when the incident took place. Police have now released a photofit in an attempt to warn others and encourage anyone to come forward. He has been described as medium build, in his late 20s or 30s and Indian or Pakistani in appearance. He is known to speak English well

but with an Indian or Pakistani accent. The incident has raised serious concerns about the welfare of Cardiff students. "He was in a position of trust and represents a danger to the public," said Davies. "The victim is extremely upset and is still worried about going out. As well as the public, we want to hear from other taxi drivers who might recognise this man." One concerned taxi company, Premier, has already launched a new system aiming to improve passenger safety. Rather then waiting in the streets and attempting to hail cabs, passengers can wait inside until a text message is sent to them. Tim Mahoney, owner of Ely-based Premier cabs, said: "We have taken on broad concerns about people, particularly young ladies, getting into unlicensed cabs late at night.

AUTO-MOTIVE: The student thought she was getting into a licensed taxi to go home INSET: The photofit and description of the attacker

"When a person phones us we take their mobile number and we send them a text when the cab is outside. The text gives details of the cab including its registration number so the person knows they are getting into the right car that is licensed." Students in the Cardiff area are being warned to take extra care when getting home. Pete Goodman, Cardiff Students’ Union president for 2005-06, said: "I advise students going home late at night to go with a friend that they trust. If you do choose to get a taxi, make sure the driver is licensed. "If anyone has had a similar experience, I advise you to go to the Student Advice Centre and talk to one of our advisors." Anyone with information on the attacker, please contact Cardiff Central CID on 02920527420. PHOTO: Adam Gasson

By Charissa Coulthard Deputy News Editor


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May 9 2005

a glance May 9 2005 News Geordie Opinion Politics Taf-Od Jobs and Money Health Media Competitions Five Minute Fun Television Problem Page Listings Letters Sport

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EDITOR Gary Andrews

DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Holly Marshall, Bethany Whiteside, Tom Wellingham NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Matt Wilkin, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION James Emtage, Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman, Will Schmidt TELEVISION TV Sexmachine Dean, TV Danny Jon Jools (Holland), TV Gareth, TV Mad Banners, TV Cruella LETTERS Perri Lewis, Dave Menon GRAB Shell Plant FIVE MINUTE FUN Holly Marshall TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey HEALTH Jess Boydell JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, Adam Gasson DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Dan Ridler, Charissa Coulthard, Perri Lewis PROOF READERS

NUS ACTON GETS THE VOTE OUT By Dan Ridler Reporter AN NUS TEAM visited Cardiff University this week in an attempt to get the student vote out. The campaign was targeted specifically at marginal seats where it was felt that students could have a real influence on the final result. Cardiff Central is a particular target of the student swing with the academic vote securing Liberal Democrat candidate Jenny Willott a landslide victory in this previously close run seat. Sian Davies, the NUS Students with Disabilities Officer, came to Cardiff Central to attempt to persuade students to turn out and vote in this week’s election. She said “Labour promised education education education and they’ve gone back on their pledge. This is a chance for students to have an MP who will make a difference.” Cardiff also ran their own campaign, “Voting is Sexy.” Davies however, disagrees. “Voting is not sexy at all, but it is important.”

PHOTO: Adam Gasson


CAMPAIGNING: NUS flying the flag for student voting

Law Lords By Matt Wilkin News Editor

TWO CARDIFF University law students have been commended after they won an international interviewing competition in Hawaii. Matthew Perry, studying the Bar Vocational Course, and Lara Hays, a Legal Practice Course student, won the 2005 International Client Interviewing Competition. They beat off competition from Australia, India and America, and became the first Welsh students to emerge victorious from the contest. The competition is an annual event for law students, which focuses on interviewing and counselling skills in a simulated law office setting. Working in teams of two, competitors are judged on their ability to recognise and handle legal prob-

lems, ethical and personal issues, costs, and offer appropriate advice to their client. Matthew and Lara achieved success in two regional heats before going to the final, and their achivement is likely to enhance their future careers. Lara said: "I am very much looking forward to starting my training contract in September and the opportunity to put into practice the skills I have acquired during this competition." Cardiff Law School is set to host the contest next year. Acting head of the Law School, Professor David Miers, said: "This is an excellent achievement for the team and the Law School and we are proud to be hosting the International final here in 2006, which we hope will attract the support of both branches of the profession in Cardiff."

Laura Tovey, Hannah Perry, Kim O’Connor, Elgan Iorwerth, Jim Sefton CONTRIBUTORS Andrew Rennison, Dave Menon, Nicola Menage, Chris White, Caleb Woodridge, Anna Hodgekiss, Farah Ahmed, Laura Murphy, Ed Jones, Jon Sykes, James Woodroof, Sarah Bellingham, John Foster

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

SEAT OF EXCELLENCE: Cardiff University’s Law school

Killer Wales

By Andrew Rennison Reporter THE NUMBER of English students studying in Wales is set to rise, according to the latest figures from UCAS. The statistics show that the number of students from England applying to Welsh universities has risen 12% over the previous year. The increase is being attributed to confusion over tuition fees and greater promotion of Welsh campuses across the border. Fees are set to rise to a variable rate of £3,000 in England from 2006, whilst the Welsh assembly will not implement variable fees or an alternative fees system until 2007. Though the changes to English fees are not due for another year, it is thought that many applicants chose Welsh universities for fear of being charged more in England. Applications from Welsh students to English campuses also rose, but by only 9%. Applications from England to Scottish universities leapt 17% once the Scottish parliament abolished upfront fees in 2000. Some have taken these fresh figures as an indication that the government’s new variable fees policy is acting as a deterrent to students applying for higher education. The Liberal Democrats and Plaid Cymru in particular have taken them as vindication of their anti-fee stance.

NUS Wales president James Knight said of the applications: "Some of it has got to do with the difference in funding regimes and availability of grants, but a lot will be down to the lack of information and confusion over topup fees that has

sometimes been in the media." The Welsh approach to and promotion of higher education has also been singled out as a factor. An emphasis on lifelong learning and widening participation has been reflected by an increase in the number of over 21s applying to Welsh universities. But some fear an unsustainable influx of English students, who outnumber Welsh scholars nearly 17 to 1 overall; a small increase in the percentage of those applying to Welsh campuses could prove problematic. John Owen Jones, pre-election Labour MP for Cardiff Central, has commented that such an increase "will displace a very large proportion of Welsh students", possibly forcing some to look further afield when applying for university. The Assembly Government is set to decide on the next step for Welsh higher education funding in June.


May 9 2005

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PHOTO: Adam Gasson

By Charissa Coulthard Deputy News Editor

THE STUDENT VOTE: Cardiff Central fell to Jenny Willott of the Liberal Democrats after a long-fought campaign against the Labour candidate John Owen Jones.Williott secured 49.8% of the vote whereas Jones managed to secure only 34.3%, representing a swing of 8.7% to the Lib Dems. Cardiff Central was one of the few constituencies to be determined almost entirely by the student vote.

THREE THIRD year students at University of Wales, Newport, are designing and selling knickers to help pay their way through their degrees. The trio, who are on the fashion design course, opened a stall at the city’s market and sold handmade knickers for between £4 and £7 each. Using the brand name of Pretty Panties, the students set up their company through the Young Enterprise scheme and had to draw up a detailed business plan and a marketing strategy for their range of designs. Following the great demand for their goods, they are now considering a career in designer lingerie. Tessa Alonzi, who is from Newport and set up Pretty Panties with her friends Louise Skingle and Lucy Bond, said: "We realised there was nothing on the market which was offering the sort of knickers we were making. "The knickers we make are very pretty and girly with lots of frills and bows. And you can’t buy knickers like that from many places – they are usually black, skimpy and sexy." Her friend Lucy, who is from Cardiff, added: "We make them very cute and girly and there doesn’t seem to be much like that available in the shops."

£270,000 black hole Medics ask ‘where has the money gone?’ By Dave Doyle and Charissa Coulthard MEDICAL STUDENTS have reacted with anger at revelations that the money is there to buy the equipment they need. Documents obtained by gair rhydd have revealed over £270,000 is spent on equipment for students in Cardiff – money that many medics have complained does not seem to benefit them. gair rhydd’s ‘Inject the Funds’ campaign has highlighted how this money is still not providing simple items such as bleepers and lockers at the Heath site. The Service Increment for Teaching (SIFT) is money given by the Welsh Assembly to NHS Trusts across Wales to fund medical placements. The Cardiff and Vale NHS Trust, which oversees the spending of SIFT at the Heath site, receives over £2,800,000 from the assembly. £270,000 of this goes towards equipment for these placements but many students have complained they don’t see where the money is going. One fourth year medic who did not want to be named said: “I’ve never seen a penny of anything being spent. I would have thought they had a budg-

et of zero. I wasn’t aware they had any sort of budget at all.” Some students also feel that this is an issue that only occurs in Cardiff. Another anonymous third year said: “When you go to Swansea they have lockers and bleepers and a common room. And when you go to North Wales it’s fine. Things are so much better once you get out of Cardiff.” But Director of NHS/University Liaison, Mike Grant defended the Trust. He said: “Cardiff and Vale Trust receives the largest amount of clinical placement SIFT funding in Wales because it has the largest number of students on clinical placement. “Also, Cardiff and Vale Trust does not simply consist of the University Hospital of Wales on the Heath Park site but also includes Cardiff Royal Infirmary, Llandough Hospital, Rookwood Hospital, Whitchurch Hospital and Cardiff Community Hospital as well: it is the largest NHS Trust in Wales.” In response to gair rhydd’s recent coverage a spokesperson for the university said: “The School of Medicine is aware of the issues raised recently and confirms that discussion at the highest level is

continuing between both itself and the Cardiff and Vale Trust.” Now gair rhydd is seeking to get a guarantee from Cardiff and Vale that the funds will be better spent and that students will be provided with bleepers and lockers at the Heath site. Following this paper’s revelations the university’s spokesperson said that they were working towards resolving the issue. “In particular, it is hoped that a solution regarding student lockers will be found once a suitable space has been identified.” But for one Cardiff student who preferred to remain nameless, this has all come too late. “I can’t see how the SIFT funds have benefited my training at all. I have to start work next year, the university has really let me down,” she said.

The trio designed a number of knickers and picked the best designs to sell. Although very time-consuming, the third year students are pleased with their success. "Each pair take about an hour to make so it has taken up a lot of our time," said Tessa. "They were really popular and who knows, it could be something that we might continue with after we finish university." Pretty Panties will have to be put on hold for a while so the trio can now prepare for the biggest event of the year – the fashion show – held at the Caerleon campus from Thursday 12 May. "The fashion show is what we’ve been building up to," said Tessa, 20. "As well as finding models we have to accessorize the outfits, do makeup and hair, and arrange choreography – so we’ll be putting Pretty Panties on hold for a while! "The fashion degree course has been really enjoyable," she added. "It’s been very hard work but if you’re dedicated it’s worth it."


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9 May 2005

MEET ‘N’ GREET PETE Dave Menon catches up with President-to-be Pete Goodman to chat about burgers and singing chickens on the campaign trail


THE NEXT PRIME MINISTER: Future Union President Pete Goodman


t was Tuesday afternoon when a smartly dressed Pete Goodman emerged from his office, beaming. He invited me in and offered me a seat as I attempted to weave my way through the papers covering the floor. The current College President of Humanities and Social Sciences looked exhausted. He had just finished meeting and greeting next year’s Sabbatical team. After running another successful campaign before Easter, Pete spoke of his delight at becoming President. “I can’t wait to become President next year. I’m really looking forward to it. The [Sabbatical] team have so many ideas for what they want to do next year. I hope that I’m able to help them achieve their aims.” At the top of Pete’s agenda as President is the installation of a burger bar in Solus, ensuring that Wednesday afternoons remain free, introduction of lifetime Union membership, and creating a truly integrated Students’ Union. He said: “Students should be able to get a healthy, clean burger for significantly cheaper prices. Also I’d like to involve more students of the Wales College of Medicine within Union activities. “I’ll be working to ensure we can stay in touch with each other when we

leave [university]. Also I want to put to bed the ‘Keep Wednesdays Free’ campaign.” Although he is better known as next year’s President, it is important not to overlook his achievements this year. According to Pete, the BEARS project has been a memorable success story. BEARS (Be Effective Academic Representatives) is a training scheme for anybody who is part of the student/staff panels, which provides people with skills to effectively represent their fellow students. “BEARS stood out because I dedicated a lot of time to this project. I am a firm believer in students being able to stand up for themselves. When there are issues which students can’t fight, they would know where the help is.” Another initiative being backed by Pete is the introduction of Personal Assistance Cards. Still in the development stage, the card will allow disabled students to bring a minder with them to union club nights free of charge. As Pete says, “I am hoping Personal Assistance Cards will allow disabled students who wouldn’t usually go to the union to come to the union and enjoy an enhanced experience.” Alongside this, Pete has increased the output of careers centres, fought outside the Home Office against

increased visa charges for international students and introduced SATs (Student Action Teams). “A Student Action Team is a trained group of students which will resolve minor problems experienced by first year students in halls of residence,

“I never want to hear that bloody sweety the chick song ever again” informally rather than formally.” According to Pete, the venture should take effect at the beginning of next year, assuming that a risk assessment has been drawn up. Training is likely to begin in Fresher’s Fortnight. In his spare time Pete enjoys going to the theatre, socialising with friends, eating fine food and listening to cheesy pop. He admitted however that leisure time is usually scarce due to “the rigours of my job.” “I usually finish work at 9pm and go straight out on the lash. After

ORIGIN Basing ALLY FROM stoke : COUR PoliticSE STUDIED switching the light off in my s : office, I’m drinking the beers P L ANS two minutes later.” Go int FOR FUTUR In addition, Pete has set up to run o politics wit E: the Welsh Education and ning th e counh a view Welfare Forum, an informal tr y monthly meeting where issues such as top-up fees are discussed. Goodman has also written a number of motions to the NUS, one of which concerned the late arrival of student loans earlier this year. The conversation swiftly advanced to Goodman’s successful campaign for the role of President. Pete was quick to point out something he learned from the campaign. “The campaign has taught me never to play that song ever again. Whenever I hear that song on TV, it drives me mad. When it comes on I change the [TV] channel.” “Seriously, I had to listen to that song for 12 hours every day. We spoke in lectures on the hour, every hour and that was hardcore. By the end of it the chicken was very tired.” Pete was grateful to his friend Welshy who wore the chicken suit every day, and duly branded him “an absolute legend.” But Goodman was adamant the ‘chicken’ gimmick was simply used to raise awareness. “I must stress the gimmick was only

for visibility because I have very serious policies. There are things which I genuinely care about. It was very important but the main part of the campaign was talking to people.” “Originally I didn’t want a gimmick. But it is tune you hate and secretly love. We had contemplated pulling the song because we thought it would annoy everyone, but it was working really well.” So what is next on the agenda for Pete after leaving Cardiff? “At the moment I am considering a political future, whatever guise that may take. That may be party politics or working for the civil service. My dream job would be to run the country.” It may not be too long before Pete becomes Prime Minister. Only time will tell. After walking out the door an hour later, I realised that Pete was clearly a man on a mission, determined to fight for students.

World News

May 9 2005

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CHILDREN OF THE NATION are doing here today is looking for young people with leadership qualities. "After two days of training we’ll A PRO-PUTIN youth group has been set up with the aim of pro- pick out the most ambitious ones, the moting Russian nationalism, ones who haven’t lost their hope in amid accusations of violence Russia." Youth organisations played a sigand intimidation. Nashi – ‘Our People’ is sponsor- nificant role in the political turmoil ing training sessions which involve which ran rife in the Ukraine last meeting with like-minded people to year, a factor which President Putin’s mastermind and produce nationalist advisors have taken on board. Yakemenko’s purpose is to train slogans. Catch phrases such as "Forward with Russia, America 100,000 young Russians in the presCan’t Outshine Us!" are yelled as the ent regime’s methods of government; teenagers are urged on by youth their leader claims that by 2009 some will be ready to run the coungroup leaders. The tables are draped with try. Specialist subjects such as history, Russian and Nashi flags; the red representing Russia’s ‘glorious’ past and economics and geopolitics will be the white standing for a shining top of the agenda and taught across 25 Russian institutions. future. However, Yakemenko’s image of a Nashi’s leader Vasily Yakemenko, formally employed by the presiden- union of well educated and well meaning young people has been tial administration, attacked by political rivals within the has stated: "Putin country. Ilya Yashin of the liberal is the only perYabloko party has accused the organson who isation as "a cover for storm b e l i e v e s brigades" that will employ violence democracy in its quest to intimidate pro-Western and sovereignteenagers and their associated organty can be comisations. bined in this The party leader claimed he was country. beaten after infiltrating and being "What we unmasked at a Nashi conference. In addition, fears exist that a union PUTIN: worried about a revolt? between Nashi mem-

By Bethany Whiteside Reporter

THIRTY YEARS have passed since the end of the Vietnam war but many people are still suffering detrimental health problems caused by the notorious use of the toxic war chemical, Agent Orange. Agent Orange and many other powerful herbicides were used by the US during the war to defoliate the hiding places of the Vietcong guerrillas and North Vietnam Army regulars, in a project called ‘Operation Ranchland.’ 80 million litres of the poisonous ‘agents’ were sprayed from the air between 1962 and 1971, covering a tenth of Vietnam. Authorised use of herbicides, how-

The effect of dioxins

ever, were halted in 1971 after a scientific report concluded that the chemical could cause birth defects in laboratory animals. Since then thousands of scientific studies have been conducted. The primary chemical, Agent Orange, was found to contain the highest concentration of dioxin, a substance extremely toxic to humans, which accumulates in the body, causing cancer and many other health problems. Those eating or drinking in areas contaminated by the chemical were found to be the most affected due to the way in which dioxin builds up in the food chain. Today, nearly thirty years after the spread of these poisonous chemicals, the ground in many areas of Vietnam remains contaminated. In 2001 Scientists found that people living in Binh-Hoa near Ho Chi Minh City, an Agent Orange "hotspot" had 200 times the normal amount of dioxin in their blood. Many people in these areas continue to blame Agent Orange for their health problems. One woman said that the herbicide caused her to have a skin disease which gave her "great suffering." It has also been found that even those not born during the war are being affected: "My first child has just died; he had physical deformities," one

By Dave Menon and Nicola Menage

Jacko on the defensive

THE KREMLIN: image of tyranny? Or new nation? bers and Russian police will result in widespread prejudice against those seen not to conform to this party’s ideals. Concerning speculation that Yashin will join with the National Bolshevik Party (NBP) in a bid to curb the growing influence of Nashi, the Yabloko party leader refuses to comment. Eduard Limonov, leader of the NBP has pledged to meet violence with violence in the event that Nashi will extend its exploits to intimidation. The rival sides are accusing each other of embracing fascist ideals and the Kremlin has pledged its support

to Nashi in the group’s battle to win over ‘hearts and minds.’ Mr Yashin said: "It is an invitation to a civil war. Such organisations are characteristic of a fascist state."

YASHIN: fears of fascism

AGENT ORANGE: US helicopters cover the land man said. "The second one is having headaches like me." Nguyen Trong Nhan, from the Vietnam Association of Victims of Agent Orange and former president of Vietnamese Red Cross believes the use of Agent Orange was a war crime and doesn’t think the US are doing enough to help its victims. He told BBC World service’s One Planet program that Vietnam’s poverty was a direct result of the use of Agent Orange: "We help the people who are victims of the Agent Orange and the dioxins, but the capacity of the government is very limited." Victims of Agent Orange are disheartened by the lack of support from the US government: "When I realise I have been contaminated with poisonous chemicals, and the US government hasn’t done anything to help, I feel

MICHAEL JACKSON’S fight for freedom was aided by 22-yearold Wade Robson, who confirmed to jurors he was not molested when staying at the singer’s Neverland Ranch. Robson, now host of MTV’s ‘The Wade Robson project’, first stayed at the Ranch in 1989 and went on to stay there a further twenty or so times. He told the trial in Santa Maria, California, that he had slept in the star’s bedroom a few times but that "nothing ever happened." Robson rejected all claims that the singer ever behaved indecently towards him. Jackson’s defence team is expected to call upon many celebrity friends of the star, including Child actor Macauley Culkin, Elizabeth Taylor and Diana Ross. Mr. Culkin is also expected to deny claims by prosecution witnesses that he was molested during his stay over a decade ago.

Camel goes up in smoke

Vietnamese still suffer the effect of US war chemicals By Nicola Menage Reporter

World News in Brief

very sad, and it makes me cry," one man commented. Andrew Wells-Dang is from the Fund For Reconciliation And Development, an American organisation aiming to improve relations between Vietnam and America. He hopes that the legacy of Agent Orange does not continue to affect the relationship between these two countries. He points out that the U.S gave funding for clearing mines dropped on Vietnam during the war, but believed funding should also be provided for victims of Agent Orange. "It's not going to go away, because it affects a huge number of people in Vietnam," Wells-Dang comments. "We would see this as an opportunity for the US to take humanitarian action so that it doesn't become an obstacle between the countries."

THOUSANDS OF CAMELS are to be shot in a bid to control their vast numbers in the Australian desert, causing anger from wildlife agencies. According to authorities in South Australia, the radical approach is necessary to prevent camels from roaming across farmland. The camel population in Australia is increasing by a staggering 11% per year, and 500,000 animals are believed to be residing there. Glenys Oogyes, executive director of the Animals Australia welfare group, was quick to point out the devastating effect of the planned cull. She said "We’ve seen terrible cruelty involved in that sort of killing spree and it’s virtually impossible operating from the air to check that every animal is killed outright".

Japanese train crash A TRAIN DRIVER crashed into a block of flats killing 73 passengers in Japan fearing he would be a minute late. Investigations suggest the driver, Mr Ryujiro Takami, was travelling at 62mph when approaching a curved stretch of track. While the Japanese media were concentrating the importance of punctuality, traces of stone found crushed under the train’s wheels suggest the crash may have been caused by obstructions on the line Mr Takami was forced to participate in 13 days of "re-education", a gruelling regime that has allegedly caused an employee to commit suicide. Drivers undergoing extra training are banned from drinking tea, using the toilet without permission, and talking to one another.


May 9 2005

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Geordie Aware that while the world looks round, it is actually a cube

Britain’s old institutions have Major problems


he Monarch’s blade briefly comes to rest on the shoulder of the British Empire’s latest knightee in a ceremony brimming with regal pomp and splendour, one shoulder, then the other. Arise, Sir John. Hang on…Sir? John? Major? The idiot that was Prime Minister for a bit? What for, services to specs? Given his incompetence, I’m sure that before he miraculously found himself in charge of the country he was only kept around by Thatcher as the kind of toadying lackey often found around unpopular leaders who piss off half their population. Nevertheless, Her Majesty’s latest round of honours has seen the former Conservative PM (I love those words coming together like that) rise to the height of other gallant, notable, luminaries such as, er, Elton John and Alex Ferguson. It’s hardly the traditional image of a Knight: armour-clad warriors valiantly defending Crown and Country from foreign hordes, or truly world-changing achievers like Newton. Although the award is also held by our military leaders, Generals Mike

Jackson and Peter de la Billière (Ret) and by explorer Ranulph Fiennes, carrying on the Walter Raleigh tradition, honorary KBEs have also been awarded to recipients of questionable worthiness such as Steven Spielberg and Pelé. Since the government recommends nominations to the Queen, it’s very easy for them to apportion the title as they wish in order to serve their own political agenda. And conferring what is supposed to be a highly distinguished honour upon those with ambiguous merit is an appalling disservice to recipients that can genuinely claim to have earned their title. Conversely, it’s becoming increasingly difficult for UK servicemen to be awarded the Victoria Cross. It seems that in the days before the First World War all that was required was for an officer to come under fire from a fruit-carrying native without the need for some serious laundry service and upon his return there would invariably be a shiny new gong waiting for him; "What’s that old boy, you got shot at? Bloody VC when we get back to Blighty, what." In the last 25 years, only three Victoria Crosses have been awarded. Two, from the Falklands, were posthumous. The other, awarded last week, was for a Grenada-born private who saved the lives of his colleagues while serving in Iraq. From what was reported in the news, it sounds like Private Beharry’s actions contained ‘an element of self-preservation’, circumstances in which a nominee is usually denied the VC. While I don’t wish to in any way belittle Beharry’s undoubted courage under fire, a situation in which I can say with extreme confidence that I would ‘make the brown noise’, I can’t help but infer political motives for the award at a time when the government is receiving increasing criticism for their involvement in the Iraq war: "War’s terrible, but aren’t Our Boys

brave" (capitals added for Sun readers). All of our traditional, historic institutions are finding themselves at odds with the modern world, struggling to find their place in today’s society. The most obvious of these is the Monarchy. It’s a constant source of both bewilderment and amusement that the same people who complain about the ‘scrounging’ unemployed are almost always unabashed Monarchists that conveniently ignore the millions of pounds that the government pays the Queen, who spends the majority of her time sitting on her arse, occasionally wiping it with one of her swans.

“Sitting on her arse, wiping it with a swan”

In our Constitutional Monarchy, where the Queen reigns but does not rule, Her Maj’s only remaining active role in governing the nation is to give Royal Assent to new Acts of Parliament, which consists principally of signing a form. I doubt she even reads it, on account of the fact that refusal of Royal Assent would be unthinkable. Hell, it’s not unusual for elected representatives – real components of government - to fail to read their paperwork. Signing a form, a job a secretary could do for £4.85 per hour, and the Queen gets millions for the same task. The Lords take an active role in review of legislation, yet Peers only get expenses. The Monarchy may have been an integral part of our history for over a thousand years, but we also had a long tradition of slavery, religious intolerance and abortive attempts at the conquest of countless countries,

but we’ve always allowed room for change and the Monarchy should be no different. A position descended from dictatorial absolutism, and the assumption that the Lion’s share of power goes to either those with the greatest wealth or the right genes, has no place in a twenty-first century government; it’s just not on at all. The Royals may well bring in a lot of tourists, but I doubt it’s anything a nice quick revolution would change. Paris hasn’t suffered from Republicanism. So they’ve got the le Louvre and le Tour Eiffel. We’d still have Buckingham Palace as a building, just not as the seat of the head of state, were we a republic. Actually, since most of the tourists that visit London are American, and most of those the kind of patronising moron that treats this country like a senile old grandparent and thinks that Britain is England and England is London, I sincerely doubt many of them would even notice if the Queen were removed from her official function and title, but kept in her Palace. In any case, choosing a system of government based on its ability to bring in foreign tourists is ridiculous. Where Monarchists and tourists see grandeur, I see wasteful, unnecessary extravagance and ostentation; where they see proud history I see a vainglorious attempt at holding a position of privilege by a relic of a bygone era, whose role as a figurehead is not only extraneous but counter-progressive. The question is, if Britain were to decide that its future is as a republic, how would we remove the Monarchy? It’s not like impeaching a Prime Minister or President, there’s no procedure in place, and the Queen is hardly likely to give Royal Assent to her family’s removal from the throne. But we’ve removed Royals before, including a King by the name of Charles.

Mirror, mirror on the poll: not very fair at all


ampires aren’t supposed to have a reflection, yet Michael Howard’s likeness was mocked up to resemble Dracula on the front cover of the election Thursday’s Mirror. The headline was ‘Vote Labour: There’s too much at stake’. Even if we ignore the God-awful standard tabloid pun, the message here is appalling. We’re lucky enough in this country to have a free press, yet in their blind support for the government, both the Mirror and the Sun are willingly behaving like the state press in the former Soviet bloc. Newspapers are, of course, entitled to offer their opinion, and doing so is an essential element of journalism. But this is telling readers what to think, and it’s disgraceful.

But it’s not just that the newspapers have decided that they have the right to tell us what to think, which is bad enough, but also that avoiding a Conservative victory is a valid reason to cast a Labour vote. New Labour have also employed the shameful tactic of using statements of celebrity approval, with Stephen Fry sending out letters warning of the dangers of a Tory government. Encouraging tactical voting is ensuring the stagnation of the entire political system. If the electorate don’t vote for who they honestly consider the best representative for them because they don’t believe they can win, then nothing can ever truly change. If everyone who would like to vote Liberal Democrat, but doesn’t,

because they don’t believe that the Lib Dems can win, actually voted for their first choice then they would win significantly more seats. In many ways, this is an inherent problem in Parliamentary democracy (and in a first-past-the-post system in particular) since the result of the elections for Parliament’s lawmakers also determines the Cabinet’s leaders. While I’m happy for the Liberal Democrats’ Jenny Willot to represent me in this constituency, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I want Charles Kennedy leading the country. The media should be fighting for change and reform where it is needed. Instead they not only condone but actively encourage voters not to choose their prefered government, but to settle for second-best.

Exercise your freedom of speech. Write things. Reply to

Ban No Parties


s the gair rhydd team work through the night with one lazy eye on the TV specially brought in for the election coverage, in the back of our minds we’re aware that there’s one party we’re not allowed to report on. Even if they were fielding a candidate locally, they would have been conspicuous in their absence from last week’s election special. Owing to the ‘No Platform’ policy accorded to this particular outfit by the Students’ Union, I’m not sure I’m even allowed to mention their name, but it rhymes with British National Party. Most halfway intelligent people would agree that the BNP have some pretty appalling policies, but that’s no justification for banning them. In fact, since the Union’s own Equal Opportunities policy states that "The Union, its members and employees shall act without prejudice based upon…political belief," a ban on coverage of the party or formation of a student political society similar to those pertaining to the main parties is clearly contrary to this policy. The British National Party is therefore subject to a blanket ban based on assumed racism, when in fact allowing the party their basic right to freedom of speech – and it’s a right that should be granted to everyone, even bigots – while dealing with individual incidences of racism as they occur would be much more effective. Let them speak. They’ll only make themselves look stupid. So if the ban is overturned some students might get offended. Tough. People offend me every day. Know what? I get over it. The odd anti-English comment notwithstanding, I’ve never been a victim of racial abuse, so I can’t authoritatively comment on how I would react in such a situation, but I’m quietly confident I’d cope. Obviously racial abuse isn’t very nice, but neither is the non-racial kind. There can’t be a great deal of difference in potential for hurt between ‘your Mum’s a whore’ and ‘go back to your own country’, surely? There’s an advert currently showing on the sports channels featuring prestigious black footballers lamenting racially-motivated chanting by ignorant fans. Footballers are lambasted by the crowd week in, week out, and between ‘you’re shit’, ‘your missus is a slag’ and ‘he’s got a pineapple on his head’, they’ve probably heard every insult imaginable. But as soon as someone says, ‘you’re shit…and you’re black’, only then do they object. I can’t understand why, because if a racist’s only recourse is something as pathetic and ignorant as to dole out abuse based on colour or creed, then they’re a moron and their opinion clearly isn’t worth taking any notice of. Ignore them and they just might go away. Give them that wry smile, the one that implies they’re a cretin, and then carry on up the charts.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 8

May 9 2005

gair rhydd

FREE WORD Student power The results are in and the student voice has spoken. In a political seat that was largely determined by the student vote, the Labour incumbent has been ousted by the Lib Dem who made a concerted effort to canvass students over the past few weeks. The size of her majority – nearly six thousand votes – shows the strength of feeling in a constituency such as this. It didn’t matter that Jon Owen Jones voted against the war or top-up fees; this was a message to be sent loud and clear to Labour – the student vote is angry and disappointed with the current regime. The message is clear - ignore us at your peril. We are one of the reasons for your reduced majority. Whether it is Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, or A.N. Other who leads the party through their next term, they need to actually start listening to the electorate as opposed to imposing unpopular and unwanted policies on an unenthusiastic public.

Prognosis – getting better After several weeks of pushing the issue the NHS Trust and the university are finally listening to our calls for better facilities for medical students. At last, we have a promise that the issue will be discussed at ‘the highest levels’ with a view towards getting lockers for medics. This will not be an overnight change, as the next board meeting is not until July. It is now possible for both the Trust and the university to convert this pledge into reality. Anything less will be a broken promise. Slowly but surely the concerns of our medical students are being listened to and action has been promised. This, at least, is progress.

Smoke & Mirrors By John Foster


edia is a powerful tool when used correctly. As somebody clinging onto the incredibly thin toothpick like the tiny end of the great media bat with which to wallop public opinion, I am aware of the power some of the national papers, which share a page size with our dearly loved little publication, possess. I also believe that, whilst everybody has a right to freedom of speech and opinion, the newspapers should employ journalistic integrity and professionalism when disseminating information. It is the media’s job to test the regime, uncover weaknesses and breach the information gulf by keeping the public fairly accurately and honestly informed. That’s my belief anyway. I was therefore absolutely disgusted by the excuse for a newspaper that dropped into the office this morning. The day before a general election, the front page of the Mirror: "So, why SHOULD you vote Labour?" What the hell? It’s not a newspaper’s place to be a party’s mouthpiece. I quickly scrabbled through to make sure this wasn’t some very expensive ad for the Labour party, but no, this was done entirely off their own backs. Not satisfied with merely telling us why we should vote labour, they also manage to put it into ultra patronising form of an 8-page cartoon pull out. The Forwood family, allegedly "…the most

animated family in Britain" have a series of incredibly one-sided arguments as to why Labour is so great. What the hell makes the Mirror believe we need to be told how to vote? I think most semi-educated adults are capable of understanding information themselves and making an informed decision. It’s not their job to sway those who can’t vote based on thier small minded opinions. More than this, it compromises any kind of journalistic integrity to not even try and give the other side a hearing; the Conservatives are slagged off throughout and the Liberals don’t even get a mention. Every paper, even ours, is going to have a slant on political parties, a spin, a personal angle. I’ve certainly put a political spin on some of my past articles. Tabloids are well known for their views. The Mail and Express are obviously right wing papers, The Mirror and the Sun left wing (or Labour anyway, not that that’s strictly the same thing). This kind of clear bias is disgraceful though. It is not putting across all sides; it’s not even putting across two sides. It’s only putting across one. It might as well be an advert for the labour party; I’m surprised they didn’t pay for it. This is journalism of the worst kind. Undoubtedly, other papers will have engaged in this practice, and my article applies to them too. It’s sad that national papers such as this are stooping so low. It’s a disgrace to the industry.

Student Stereotypes

- The Pretentious Music Lover By James Emtage


aiff once travelled as far as Indonesia to listen to a new band he’d found out about from a flyer in BarFly. The ‘mulu mows’ (meaning ‘tranquillity’ in Indonesian) are an eclectic mix of sitar playing, hum drumming, foot strumming boys and girls who perform music, which is ‘at ease to one’s inner self’. So deep is their work that their one track, ‘Reflection’, is twelve minutes long with an eight minute interlude of pure silence in the middle: ‘A time to draw. A time to reflect.’ Raiff loves it. It’s rare to find something that can so well respect what he’s feeling yet at the same time challenge him to leave his outer negative karma and move himself towards a more peaceful inner state of content. Another one of his favourites, ‘D’leau’, is a group of French speaking students, who, when travelling through Burkina Faso fell in love with the sounds of the waterfalls just outside the country’s capital, Ouagoudougou. Inspired by the purity of this ‘clear soul which ripples over the bosoms of nature’ (or, more simply, a river running over rocks) they have remained there for nearly four years and have taken to making all of their music through the medium of water.

They don’t use CDs. They prefer recycled tapes, all of which come presented in a case made out of dried bamboo leaves and sugar paper. Their music can be played at any time and in any place, provided you are by yourself and in close proximity to a natural source, such as a spring or the sea. Raiff used to struggle to get hold of such works. With the majority of the artists being against the use of the internet and most other modern forms of mobile telecommunication systems, he found it hard to keep up to date with the new releases. Fortunately, however, after meeting a playwright at Chapter Arts Centre, who often travels to the sub-Sahara for inspiration, and incidentally, is not overt to sending SMS text messages, he can now get hold of regular updates of D’leau’s progress. Raiff positively scowls at anyone who listens to ‘fashionable’ music of the day, and he’s proud of the fact that he doesn’t know the frequency of that damn awful Radio 1 (although he must acknowledge the insight of its late father, John Peel, God rest his soul). He struggles to find nights out in Cardiff that he will enjoy. Cherrybomb evenings are always favourable, but they only occur a couple of times each year. Fun Factory, bar its childish name, used to pass his criteria, until one night it played ‘Build me up Buttercup’ by Foundations. He has not returned to the union since.

One last hurrah We’re now moving towards the end of the year, but while in other places this would signal a wind down, the majority of students now have coursework deadlines and exams looming large. Indeed many regular writers of this paper have problems juggling the twin demands to keep the paper of a consistently high quality while working on final year dissertation projects. But the important thing to remember is don’t panic - you’re in the final straight now. To first and second years - you’re still got time left at university so one bad result or module you’re having difficulty getting to grasps with isn’t the end of the world. Good luck to all our readers out there. Remember to take regular breaks as well as revising to keep your mind focused. For both, gair rhydd writers and readers, we’ll see you on the other side.

Bethany Whiteside’s

ROOM 101


n a ploy not to do any revision and so fail my degree due to lack of work rather than intelligence, I have spent the week reading women’s lifestyle magazines aimed at sixteen year olds right through to young professionals. I was so appalled by the hypocrisy that ran rife, I began keeping tabs after title number three. All of them employ stories that emphasise how much you should love your cellulite, wonky eyes, flabby stomach etc, but make you feels so much worse for three reasons. Firstly, the models employed still verge on the size 6-8 border and infiltrate every other page. Secondly, the overwhelming and repeated scream "love your body shape" makes you wonder what is so bad about your

body that you need repeated assurance for it. Thirdly, even as they continue to provide grisly accounts of cosmetic surgery gone wrong, the back of every single issue contains scores of cosmetic surgery advertisements. Obviously they love the revenue more than you both love your body. The true-life stories, whilst raising much needed awareness on serious issues like date-rape and domestic violence, do leave you with the feeling that the female sex is not only most definitely the weaker one but that you’re in the minority if you haven’t had a horrific experience. The whole thing just gets rather depressing and morbid, as you strife to find some positivity between the magazine pages. Advice given concerning

relationship dilemma’s often employ the easy option and give bad advice. Simon Hogg from B magazine June 2005 suggests lying to your boyfriend if the number of people you’ve slept with is high: "The crucial thing is that your number is smaller than his. If you have to go first, pick a small, single-digit number." For fuck’s sake, if he has a problem with the truth, it will have more to do with his insecurities and male perception of the word ‘slapper’, in which case you’re better off knowing now. At the very least, men are big boys. They’ll take it. Articles also appear, chastising women for the amount of debt they’re getting into, while the issue is packed with fashion pages that supposedly scream the word bargain, features of women getting strangers on the net to

pay their debt and strippers getting dirty on the dance floor; this is all great advice. Sex advice is notoriously shite. All the magazines simply regurgitate what has already been said concerning bondage, al fresco sex, food, vibrators and the weird ice cube thing (which incidentally hurts your teeth). Subjects, one spice level up, such as threesomes and lesbian kisses, are still considered taboo and consigned to the world of male fantasies, which nice girls try to destroy. This week’s rant now over, I’m left feeling rather exhausted, wishing I had decent reading material that didn’t treat me as a floozy, suicidal or a young teenager needing sexual terms explained to me. Who needs advice like that?

May 9 2005

Editorial & Opinion

Page 9


John Stanton examines the pressure on student newspapers to reflect the views of their unions


tudent politics is much maligned and understandably so, since it is often undermined by in-fighting and personal grievance. Yet it is an essential aspect of student life and yes, like all advertising campaigns repeatedly pronounce, it really does affect everyone. Student media plays a key role in this process. As with national media, it functions to open up discourse on issues that affect its audience, many of which relate to the way students are treated and catered for. While students undoubtedly value their newspaper, it is equally probable that they do not appreciate the way in which politics can dictate its content.

“a student newspaper is not the mouthpiece of the union” For instance, gair rhydd is funded by Cardiff Students’ Union and exists because the Union exists. Without the support of the Union, gair rhydd would not appear around campus every week. And yet, does its readership understand the conflict of interests all student journalists working in this environment must suffer? Can they comprehend the problems involved in running a story critical of the Union and its workings? As journalists, we are compelled to uncover and relate the truth to the readership. It should be our mission to inform the students we serve. Mostly, everyone involved in student media resolves to do this.

But there are repercussions. If the editor of a student paper prints an article critical of the actions of the Union, he is, in effect, criticising his employers. In what other profession, or subculture of a profession would this be the case? Not only may he incur the wrath of his bosses, he also has to work in the same building as them, suffering the disapproving glances of anyone who happens to disagree with the nature of an article, irrespective of whether it is founded in truth. As a student journalist of two years’ experience, the looks of disgust, the silent treatment, the way a room can turn icy cold upon entrance has begun to wear a little thin. A student newspaper is not a newsletter; it is not the mouthpiece of the Union in which it operates, nor is its sole purpose to extol the Union’s virtues. Students’ Unions are not run by a superior elite, immune to making mistakes. In a student body of over 20,000, as is the case in Cardiff, there is bound to be unrest and disillusionment at the actions of the body which claims to represent them, no matter what way that may manifest itself. If medical students are suffering from a lack of sufficient facilities, then it is the student newspaper’s obligation to seek answers. Whether they understand this or not, and the likelihood is that they don’t, staff of such organisations should rise above the petty, small-mindedness that has dogged certain aspects of my university experience. If a newspaper prints the truth then, in the main, it is beyond reproach. Yet sometimes the truth doesn’t sit comfortably with the employees of a Students’ Union. But then, sometimes, the truth hurts. Is it acceptable that my colleagues and I should have to face recrimina-

tions, admittedly not physical, not yet anyway, for printing the truth? In Cardiff ’s case, it has a newspaper which can currently call itself the best in the UK. It’s official. If Students’ Unions nationwide had their way, student rags would print publicity material only. They

would be full of smiling officials explaining how good their services are. As students know from their own experiences, this is simply not the case. Fortunately, we do live in a society which encourages press freedom. So, you would imagine, gair rhydd

and all other student papers are free to print whatever they want, as long as it’s truthful. A strong editor is a brave man. Be thankful that the journalists working for you in Cardiff are willing to face those recriminations in pursuit of the truth, in pursuit of your interests.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 10

May 9 2005

Heat of summer exams By Andrew Rennison


he sun beats down upon a flowerbed in bloom. The sound of children nearly getting run over by an ice cream van wafts faintly through the air. The chocolate bar foolishly left on a windowsill melts serenely onto the floor below. It’s summer. Autumn, winter, and spring only exist to build up anticipation for the golden months of sunshine, like the opening band you have to sit through before Radiohead come on stage. How disappointing it is then every year, as this most excellent of seasons rolls around again, that we are doomed to spend weeks of it studying for exams. Satan didn’t invent exams. I think it might have been God - when he tested Moses, those were Moses’ GCSEs. But Satan did schedule exams. Revision and coursework are largely indoor pursuits. Sure, you can read a textbook on a grassy knoll outside, but this usually ends with you succumbing to the temptation of either a game of frisbee or a session of napping. Exam preparation is suited to the autumn and winter time, when unless

you’re lucky enough to have regular snow, the outdoor world harbours few distractions to seduce the mind away from study. Excluding the 48 hours of Christmas Day and New Year’s Eve, there isn’t that much to do in the rainier months. If for nothing else, exams should be moved away from the summer purely for climate concerns. Revising on a cold December day requires nothing more than putting on an extra jumper and turning up the radiator to full whack.

“Let us reclaim the unspoilt utopia of summertime” Revising on a hot June day often means slowly passing out as the oppressive heat melts your brain, waking up to find that the left side of your face has fused with the textbook on your desk. How many of us have air conditioning? Exactly, and the student substitute for it is walking around in your underwear. Let’s not frighten the neighbours; something must be done. It’s perhaps even worse for the

guys on campus. If being bone-idle wasn’t troublesome enough, many women understandably choose the hotter summer months to shed most of their clothing. Revision is not at all easy when an attractive girl walks past your window wearing practically nothing but a bikini top and a skirt that could double as a belt. A nonfunctional belt at that. On top of all that, summer is just too busy a time for the scheduling of exams. Nearly all of the greatest events in life, private and public, happen between May and August: going to festivals, taking a holiday, or just driving down to the beach to dig a large hole. We need time to prepare, plan or simply await in happy anticipation for these things. Exams are a scar on this otherwise glorious landscape of lethargic and decadent relaxation. Some have already clued in and started moving them to January, but this must go the whole nine yards: no more May or June exams. Let us reclaim the unspoilt utopia of summertime.

Want to contribute to the

gair rhydd? email

Political Opinion

May 9 2005

Page 11

Delusions of democracy? By Caleb Woodbridge


working democracy is something to be very proud of and we should be very thankful for the right to vote. But our current system is riddled with problems. It is a far cry from the high ideal of the government of the people, by the people, for the people. We’re deluding ourselves dangerously if we think we already have a genuine democracy. Interviewed on Question Time, Tony Blair told the audience that they face a simple choice: him or Michael Howard as Prime Minister. If this is true, it immediately begs the question of Mr Blair, "What do you plan to do to make the election more democratic?" The domination of the political landscape by only two, arguably three, parties is actually anti-democratic. The broad range of opinion in this country cannot be properly represented by only two or three political agendas - and especially when they are so similar in many ways. At the moment, power is far too top-down. We simply choose between a narrow set of choices predefined for us by party leaders in Westminster. It would be much fairer for the balance of power to be shifted much more heavily towards the individual MPs. Decisions should flow from the bottom up: the people choose an MP who reflects their views to represent them, who then acts on their behalf. Democracy will be crippled until we break the power and dominance of the party system. Another problem is how MPs get in to power. Our current ‘first past the post’ system means that in each con-

stituency, the winner takes all. This usually skews the number of MPs to the bigger parties - Labour’s percentage of MPs in the last parliament was greater than the percentage of the votes they received. A much fairer system would be that of proportional representation. But funnily enough, since coming to power in 1997, Labour hasn’t been too keen to investigate that possibility.

They must be held accountable, or democracy is dead This leads to another problem: once in power, it is incredibly difficult to effectively oppose anything the Government wants to do. The war against Iraq was massively controversial and vast crowds marched against it. Top-up fees were pushed through by senior Labour party officials coaxing, bullying and cajoling their underlings into voting as the party wished. On many issues, the Government showed a dogged determination to get their way. While political conviction is something to be admired, our politicians must achieve their aims democratically. No matter how morally right an action may be, the point of a democracy is for the people as a whole to be involved in the ruling of our country

IN THE HOT SEAT: Blair on BBC One’s Question TIme through elections of MPs to represent us, and other methods of the democratic process. If those we elect fail to represent us and carry out the will of the majority, they are not doing their job. They must then be held accountable, or democracy is dead. A democracy is only as good as the people within it. One of the surprising things in this election campaign was how many people seemed to be disillusioned and angry with Blair, yet still intended to vote for him. Unless we hold our leaders accountable for the actions they take which we think is wrong, they have no incentive to listen to public opinion.

Another worrying issue is that so many people think only in terms of what benefits them - what will make my tax bill lower, make my life easier, make better provision for me? While important issues, what kind of selfish society are we building when only consider our own personal peace and prosperity? As part of a democratic society, we have responsibilities to each other that must not be forgotten. At an even more basic level, people need to get out there to vote. Some people try and excuse their apathy by saying that "It doesn’t make any difference - the system’s

broken anyway." There are indeed many problems with ‘the system’ but this means that trying to change things to make a difference is more needed than ever. But voting isn’t the be-all and endall of taking part in our democracy. Much more important is the involvement through talking to your MP, writing letters, joining in campaigns and so on. Yes, we need to combat apathy. But the ballot box is just the beginning. The election has finished, but for our involvement with the running of our country, in our democracy, it is just the beginning.

Sacrificing honesty for office By Andrew Rennsion


y now, the dust of the election campaign has settled, leaving only a battered yet victorious individual to stumble through the door of Number 10. However exhausting the last months may have been for all three of our potential Prime Ministers, it is nothing compared to how arduous it has been for the electorate. Every night in the news, every morning in the papers, on and on they went with the same old lines. If I hear the phrase "Are you thinking what we’re thinking?" one more time, I’ll throw my shoe at the TV. But one utterance that always seemed to stand out amongst the sea of rhetoric was the word "trust". Trust. Politics. Give these two a moment’s thought and they should go together like rum and coke: politicians are elected to rule us all, so they should be the most trustworthy people in society. But they’re not.

It was faintly ridiculous when any of the party leaders raised the issue of trust over the last four weeks. Howard accused Blair of lying over Iraq; this from the man whose own party’s deputy chairman revealed that Howard was concealing further spending cuts until after the election. Blair accused Howard of having hidden agendas over issues like the NHS; this from the man who pledged only four years ago not to introduce top-up fees. Here, two examples among many that illustrate how hollow mainstream politics has become. Even the Liberal Democrats, usually a relative beacon of honesty, are showing cracks in the woodwork. Though possibly down to baby-related insomnia, Charles Kennedy had little idea about the finer points of his tax policy when quizzed about it at his manifesto launch. By trying unsuccessfully to cover his tracks with a few bumbling sentences, Kennedy sunk towards the

level of credibility that Blair and Howard had already arrived at. A sad day it was, as voters saw the last remnant of political honesty start to slowly ebb away.

Saving face is rarely as effective as telling the truth The film Murder at 1600 is a reasonably uninspiring political thriller. It is notable for only two things: a sex scene in the Oval Office, and the line "drowning in a sea of its own bullshit." Politicians have got it into their heads that as a politician you simply

can’t appear be wrong. This is indeed BS and politics is drowning in it. If Blair had come on TV one day and said: "Iraq, yeah, I did make some cock-ups, sorry about that" (or something to that effect) it would’ve been the day my vote was decided. Or even if Howard had faced the cameras and said: "Yep, last week I backed council tax revaluation, now I’ve changed my mind for some extra support." I wouldn’t have voted for him, but I would’ve at least respected him for having the guts to tell it straight. The main parties must work out that saving face is rarely as effective as telling the truth; no more skipping around questions by repeating indirect answers or by asking their own question in a cunning reply. Just "Yes" or "No" will suffice. A nation without faith in its politicians is a pre-Nazi nation. When people are fed up with liars and deceivers in power, they’ll turn to the extremes.

NO TRUST: Anti-war demonstrators Sure, the BNP might be Fascist morons, but at least you can believe them when they say they’ll get rid of immigrants. The electorate must then take a zero tolerance policy towards politicians: either they stop doing things to lie about, or they stop lying.


9 Mai 2005

Tud 13

Tirwedd Gweidyddol Newydd Cymru

Dathlu: Jenny Willot AS Caerdydd Canolog

Gan Elgan Iorwerth Golygydd Taf-Od AR FORE dydd Gwener y 6ed o Fai deffrodd Cymru i dirlun gwleidyddol newydd. I rhai, fe fydd y dosbarthiad newydd o seddi yng Nghymru yn sioc, i eraill newid am y gorau. Yma yng Nghaerdydd Canolog gwelwyd newid mawr wrth i Jenny Willott cael ei hethol ar ran y Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol gyda mwyafrif o bron i chwe mil, ble ym 2001 roedd gan John Owen Jones, ein gyn-aelod seneddol o’r blaid Lafur, mwyafrif o 700. Efallai camp y Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol o gipio Ceredigion oddi wrth Plaid Cymru gyda mwyafrif o 219 bydd yn dod a’r siom fwyaf i ddarllenwyr Taf-Od. Yn wir, nid noson Plaid oedd hi wrth iddynt fethu i gipio unrhyw seddi newydd. Y Ceidwadwyr welodd y twf mwyaf yng Nghymru wrth iddynt ennill tair sedd wedi iddynt fod heb sedd yn

Etholiad 2001. Ond Blaenau Gwent, sedd oedd i fod yn un ddiogel i Lafur, cododd braw fwyaf y noson yn ôl y sylwebwyr wrth i Peter Law, Annibynnwr gynt o’r Blaid Lafur, ennill gyda mwyafrif o 9,121. Felly, mae gan y Prif Weinidog, Tony Blair, a’r blaid Lafur trydedd tymor mewn llywodraeth er gyda mwyafrif llawer llai na’r ddau dymor a fu. Mi fydd llawer yn sôn am y pwysigrwydd hanesyddol o hyn, ond efallai, i ni yma yng Nghymru codi cwestiynau bydd canlyniad Etholiad 2005. Mewn amser bydd polisïau’r llywodraeth ar gyfer Cymru yn cael ei roi allan ac fe gawn ni weld os wnaethon ni defnyddio’n pleidlais yn ddoeth.

Ceidwadwyr Plaid Cymru Llafur Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol Annibynnol

Jobs & Money

Page 14

May 9 2005

How to win friends and influence people Postcards fro m the Real W Less than a ye orld ar ago I was up ever y news se

Eimear Barr y and Fionnghuala Kelly on getting ahead in the business world with their new book Talking the Talk By Carly O’Donnell Jobs and Money Editor


adly for us university boffins, when we leave the safety of the student bubble we are often unprepared for what comes next. Where was the module in workplace communication? Or selling your skills to an employer? Without these skills graduates can be left without the ability to win friends and influence people in the workplace (i.e get promoted). It’s not the most comforting thought for those of us coming to the end of a £10,000, three year detailed study of biology or law, is it? But fear not, help is at hand in the form of new book Talking the Talk by Eimear Barry and Fionnghuala Kelly. From their background in psychology and communication in the workplace the authors noticed the lack of communication skills in recent graduates and set about helping students with their guide. gair rhydd spoke to Eimear Barry and Fionnghuala Kelly to find out what we can do to prepare ourselves for the big, bad world of work. What inspired you to write this book? We had awareness through contact with both employers and graduates that the transition into the workplace was not always as effective as it could be. Difficulties with the transition often lead to problems including frustration, anxiety and missed opportunities. We thought it would be useful for students to have a simple resource, which would assist them in being as effective as possible, as soon as possible, in the workplace. From your research, which areas do most graduates struggle with in getting a job after university? Probably the area which poses most of a challenge for graduates in succeeding at interviews is appreciating the employers’ viewpoint.

Failing to see the interview from the interviewers’ perspective often prevents them from communicating their relevant attributes and skills in a way that matches the employers’ requirements. Your book also includes advice for communication within the workplace. Why, in your opinion, do many people miscommunicate within their jobs? Miscommunication occurs in the workplace for various reasons. One of the main reasons we have found is lack of forethought and preparation prior to even the simplest communication. Many people do not appreciate the importance of identifying their target audience, understanding their needs and selecting the optimum communication methods. The key question which people often fail to ask themselves prior to communicating is ‘what do I want to achieve?’ Have either of you experienced a nightmare interview? If so, what happened? As an interviewer, probably the most difficult situation is where the interviewee finds it difficult to participate in the interview process. Some interviewees fail to realise that the purpose of the interview is to provide the interviewer with a sufficient amount of information to allow him to make an informed decision. The interviewer wants to get to know the interviewee well enough to make his or her decision with confidence. What are your tips for job seeking graduates? Read our book. It will give you excellent guidelines on job seeking skills. For example, do you ever practice relating your personal history and articulating your strengths? This is the main reason why people need to do lots of interviews before they get a job. Practicing at home in front of a mirror is just as effective and much less labour intensive.

ction together Thursday nigh . As muc t puttin Domino’s pizz a at the time, h as I cursed the 5am fin g the gair rhydd ishes and the extended stud they both se cold rv ent life as a tr ainee journalis ed me in good stead for Anyone who my t. has ever had from seeing your name in anything published knows print. Admitted the buzz you parental pres sure ge ly, on ‘corpses us ) to get involved with gair it took a while (and seve t re ed for science rhydd, but afte I was hooked r re m search’ – we . all have to star y first ar ticle t somewhere Having decide – This is vital to d I was going to become a hard-nosed ha get on to a po nalists are re ck, it was tim e cruited. It also stgraduate course, which is increasingly to get work experience. terrifying pote helps to build the way that ntial course di a portfolio of trainee jourrector at your cuttings which After graduatin inte you can show at London’s Ci g in English Language, I be rview. off to the gan a postgrad ty University in September. shock, closel ua te di pl oma in newsp y fo Goi aper journalis glyphics – and llowed by shor thand – whi ng from 10 to 40 hours m a week was ch for the first the need to cr the biggest awl out of bed few weeks re Despite all th se on e m ha a bl Su ed Egyptian hi rd-hitting inve far has to be stigative journa nday morning to find stor erothe woman w ies. lism and fluffy ho keeps her It’s now job fe atures, my fa castrated dog’ hunting time, vourite scoop s testic Obser ver’-styl so the hoards so e lett of ‘why I wan les in the freezer. t to work for If you want to ers are currently winging th ei th go r e w in Ch ay to the media, the most of yo and despite th to editors all over the coun ipping Sodbur y ur time here e crap pay it tr y. and get involv while sweatin is w or th it I prom ed in student g away at a cl ise, then mak media. I mad apped-out Ap nalism. e e ple Mac, who have all gone some of my best friends Wish you wer on to have ca e here? reers in jour-

Anna Hodgekiss

Jobs & Money

May 9 2005

Page 15

News in brief Boys choo-choose train driver as ideal job

Applying early increases employability

A TRAIN DRIVER is still the most popular dream job for young boys according to, while for girls nursing and teaching topped the list. Children are more familiar with people working in the public sector who are more easily recognisable through their uniforms, and used more often in stories and as role models. The survey revealed, perhaps obviously, that few children pursue their dreams into adulthood and often end up in completely unrelated employment fields.

‘APPLY EARLY’ would be the advice of experts in the science of psychometrics in the workplace. The SHL Group have concluded that those who apply for jobs shortly after they are advertised have a higher chance of success than their ‘just in time’ opposing applicant. A possible reason offered by graduate recruiters is that the brightest people are also the most organised and therefore apply earlier.


1 Nurse 2 Teacher 3 Vet 4 Air hostess 5 Actress 6 Policewoman 7 Doctor 8 Author 9 Hairdresser 10 Ballerina


1 Train driver 2 Footballer 3 Policeman 4 Doctor 5 Firefighter 6 Scientist 7 Soldier 8 Astronaut 9 Vet 10 Rich

Ox-ford escort service A FOURTH-YEAR Classics student at Oxford University has set up a website offering the public the chance to date what he deems as bright intelligent students from the universities of Cambridge and Oxford., which will operate a strict no-sex policy when it becomes fully operational in mid-June this year, says it is also providing employment for students and a source of income to reduce their debts.

Just the job for you

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies, please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students’ Union. Swydd/Job: Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

Hospitality Staff Cardiff/Newport £5 p/hr 8 hrs per day for 4 days Thursday 2nd June - Sunday 5th June Manylion/Details: 70 X Hospitality staff (Food and Beverage Assistants) required for the Wales Golf Open at the Celtic Manor. Essential requirements: Friendly hard working and available for the 4 days. Excellent presentation, good customer service and previous experience an advantage but not essential. Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 125 Swydd/Job:

The Times Film First Movie Screening Promotion Staff Ardal/Area: Cardiff Tal/Wage: £50 per promotion Oriau/Hours: 8 hrs per promotion Parhad/Duration: Oct 2005 - May 2006 Manylion/Details: This role involves distributing publicity materials on behalf of the Union Shop, co-ordinating and up-dating Sublime with information about how the promotion is going and documenting the entire campaign for reporting back to the film client and The Times. Essential requirements: Outgoing, confident, reliable 1st or 2nd year students with an interest in marketing, pr and promotions. Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 127


Freewheel Host

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration:

Austria/Switzerland £170 p/wk Flexible, Daytime Start-end of June/early June 4-8 weeks Manylion/Details: Hosts are required to provide information and support to guests, to meet them at airports and stations, transfer luggage and liase with hotels. You should have a mature outlook, speak proficient German or French, possess a full driving licence, have a pleasant personality and knowledge of bicycle maintenance. Rhif Cyf/Ref No: 124


Part-Time Assistants

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours:

Roath £5.25p/hr Mon - Fri 3pm - 6pm

Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: A small friendly mail order company requires part time members of staff to pick pack and dispatch orders arriving from suppliers. Staff must have a high attention to detail and be computer literate.

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:


In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us. To register, please bring your student card and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students). We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Pass your pearls of wisdom onto the next generation By Tom Scobie Jobs and Money Editor


t’s got a decent salary, substantial holidays and job satisfaction, and it appears teaching is clawing back in the career popularity stakes. Enquiries to the teaching information line have risen 33% since last year and each day approximately 117 eligible people call to find out how they can sign up to train. It’s quite a different situation from just a few years ago, when many saw the stresses of teaching and falling standards in school discipline as scaring off many candidates. The new advertising campaign by the Teacher Training Agency featuring a group of beaming secondary-school kids and the question "Do you ever have discussions with people who haven't made their minds up yet?" seems to have helped the cause as well. They have emphasised the classroom having an atmosphere of fun and enthusiasm and the job satisfaction it can provide. To see pupils succeeding in great part due to you, the job can feel like the best in the entire world. Roughly 41,000 training placements have been allocated by the Department for Education

and Skills this year. Last year, the figure was around 35,000. The new candidates for the job are more likely to be graduates too, with around ten per-cent of those graduating entering teaching. The Postgraduate Certificate of Education (PGCE) is the most popular way to go into teaching and takes a year of full-time study to obtain. There is also the Graduate Teacher Programme where applicants are trained and paid while working in a school. The financial reward from teaching isn’t too bad either. Those who take the postgraduate training scheme receive £6,000-£7,000 tax-free financial support and help is available from the government to pay off any debt too. Teachers who are qualified in specific subjects such as maths, science, modern languages or English can also obtain a £4,000-£5,000 golden hello after induction. Salaries for teachers are pretty high too, with a newly qualified teacher starting out on about £19,000 (£22,500 in inner London), with more experienced teachers earning nearer £32,000 (£38,500 in inner London). Not everything is rosy though: there are still high dropout rates, along with issues of workload and pupil behaviour. For more information visit

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza! Call Andrew on 02920 229977 for more information.


Page 16

9 May 2005

Weighing up your options

Following the recent obesity debates, food brands have accelerated their attempts to maintain their market popularity by extending their ‘healthy’ food ranges. Farah Ahmed investigates just how healthy they are.

Saint or Sinner?

TURN THROUGH any food magazine today and you will be faced with endless advertising for healthier choices. Go to any supermarket and suddenly each store has a proliferation of reduced fat and reduced sugar alternatives. Supermarkets have come under attack recently for the marketing ploys they support, such as the Walkers crisps ‘Books for Schools’ and Tesco’s vouchers for computer equipment. Given that that the threat of a ban on unhealthy food promotion has become so significant, many companies have been forced to introduce healthier alternatives. The question is, are they doing this for the greater good, or for a convenient re-boost to their image? Recently supermarket labels and packaging have been proven to be misleading. The Consumers Association have found that some food manufacturers are using extravagant claims, and healthy looking packaging to disguise the fact that their products are

not as good for us as we might think. A survey conducted by the watchdog Which? has proven that that many healthy option biscuits, mueslis and ready meals can contain just as much saturated fats and sugar as their normal equivalents. For example, Sainsburys Be Good To Yourself choc chip cookies, have a higher calorie count per serving than

Sainsbury’s Malted Milk Biscuits with Milk Chocolate. 250g. 72p A new twist on an old favourite. Yummy biscuits half coated in milk chocolate. By far the winner with only 54 kcals per biscuit and 1.1g of saturated fat. Also low in trans fatty acids. These biscuits taste really, really good - however they do contain 0.03g sodium per biscuit, so be careful not to eat too many in one day (which will be hard to do, but necessary!) They are an absolute bargain at 79p!


the standard product with a salt level twice as high. And for this illusion, you pay a much higher price. Top stores reportedly charge up to three times as much for the ‘healthier’ products than the ordinary ones. Marks & Spencer, for example, charge £2.29 for its Count On Us healthy muesli, and £1.59 for the normal. Yet it has only 9 per cent fewer

calories. And according to the Which? Magazine, 40 per cent of consumers are now prepared to pay these higher prices. The main risk with deceiving marketing is that people are trusting the brand rather than comparing the labels. Buying healthy option biscuits with more salt, muesli with more sugar and an Asda's Good for You lasagne with more saturated fat than the standard products, is not actually ‘healthy’. Salt is linked to high blood pressure, while fat and sugar are behind the current obesity epidemic. A balance of all nutrients is what makes food nourishing. A low fat food that is very high in added sugars and salt is not necessarily a healthy option, yet these are the misconceptions supermarkets are exploiting, including the labelling of meals as low in fat when it is still very high in sugar. Many brands also fail to label the presence and quantity of trans-fats,

these are linked to the bad form of cholesterol which clogs arteries. It is still just as vital that we take all factors into account when choosing the foods that are good for us to eat. Also, many other alternative options reduce the sugar but replace it with sweeteners such as Aspartame, which has been linked to cancer by many alternative doctors. Furthermore, brands that reduce their fat, sugar and salt levels still have to maintain flavour and this is frequently achieved through preservatives and additional additives. Healthy eating ranges should be a quick and easy way to identify healthy options without having to scour the small print but, as this has proven, you still need to be aware of the labels to be sure you are getting the health benefits and calorie savings you want. Our warning is, do not presume that the ‘healthier’ option is necessarily better for you, or your wallet.

Weight Watchers Double Choc Chip Cookies, 6 individual portions of 2 cookies. 85p

Sainsbury’s Be Good To Yourself Milk Chocolate Digestive Biscuits. 400g. 79p

Each portion contains 102kcals, 1.1g saturated fat and only 0.1g sodium. However each portion contains 6.3g of sugar, which means that you may only get a temporary sugar rush rather than a steady release of energy. However, at 85p they are good value, and each portion is individually wrapped to ensure freshness. Worth keeping two in your bag for a snack..

The only advantage these biscuits hold over their rivals is value for money. They are clearly the unhealthiest, with 80kcals and 1.5g saturated fat per biscuit. They are also laden with ingredients such as butter oil and refined syrup, which are bad for cholesterol levels. They contain 4.9g of sugar and 0.07 of sodium so should definitely only be eaten as an occasional treat. So, despite their claims, they are not very good for you! 1/5


Are you feeling

fruity? STAFF FROM the Health Centre and Sports and Exercise will be out and about in the Viriamu Jones Gallery (main building) on Friday 13th May promoting Health Challenge Wales and the Cancer Research "Fruity Friday". They will be combining their expertise to offer a number of challenges and opportunities to staff and students. "Fruity Friday" is in support of the Cancer Research Fund Cancer prevention Week and aims to promote the importance of eating at least 5 portions of fruit and vegetables each day. A quiz will be run on the day to test people’s knowledge and the first correct winner drawn from the entries will win 3 months Gold Membership of the University Fitness and Squash Centre, Park Place and the University Sports Centre at Talybont. Visitors to the stand will also have the opportunity to have a fitness check, including blood pressure, blood glucose and cholesterol check, and

body mass index calculation. Nurses will be available to advise on healthy eating, reducing the risk of heart disease, cancer, obesity and diabetes. Staff from Sport and Exercise will be there to demonstrate items of equipment commonly used in the centres and advise visitors about the level and type of exercise they would recommend. If you feel up to the challenge come and visit us and make Friday 13th a great day.

Did you know? Substance abuse can be a cause of depression in young people? For advice on all health issues contact: Cardiff University Health Centre, 47 Park Place Tel 02920 874810


May 9 2005

Page 17

The TV made me do it!

When teenager Luke Mitchell horrifically mudered his girlfriend in 2003 the media were quick to blame Marilyn Manson and reopen the ‘media effects’ debate. By Laura Murphy Media Reporter


he average child watches an astonishing 22 hours of television per week, which means that by the time they are 70 they’ll have spent 7-10 years of their life sitting in front of the TV. Saturday morning TV, the home of supposedly ‘safe’ entertainment and all that is wholesome and good, contains on average 20-25 acts of violence per hour. This culminates in the average 18 year old having viewed around 200,000 acts of violence on TV. Most of this violence is hardly recognised as such by the majority of children, who are now desensitised to slapstick cartoons; even the old favourite ‘Tom and Jerry’ is essentially a cat and mouse attempting to beat each other up. The increasing amount of violence on TV and in other forms of the media is gradually coming into focus again as the ‘media effects’ debate gathers steam. There is now an underlying trend to blame deviant behaviour, especially that by teenagers, on the media. It was no surprise then, in a recent case where a young man killed his girlfriend, to see the media try to pin his horrific activities on another cause, rather than admit responsibility. When, on January 21 this year, Luke Mitchell was jailed for the 2003 killing of his girlfriend Jodi Jones, the media was immediate in picking up on the macabre details of the crime; the frenzied nature of the attack and the links to Satanism. In particular, many newspapers were quick to point out the similarities

between Jodi’s murder and the Black Dahlia murder of 1940’s Hollywood actress Elizabeth Short. Through this particular doorway many tabloid papers, including the Daily Mail, Daily Express and the Sunday Mirror, have to varying degrees suggested that Mitchell was somehow ‘warped’ by the music of Marilyn Manson. Manson has repeatedly painted images of the Black Dahlia murder, prints of which are available for sale on his website. But can we really assume that the words and actions of someone in the public eye could influence a young man to kill his girlfriend with seemingly no prior warning?

“Evil of Goth Rock that led to horror killing of Jodi, 14 ” The Express During the trial the prosecution attempted to prove that Manson’s work was connected to Jodi’s murder. The High Court in Edinburgh was shown a Marilyn Manson DVD owned by Mitchell, featuring two girls tied together and struggling while hoods are placed over their heads. In favour of this ‘effects model’ way of thinking, a leading pathologist Professor Anthony Busuttil told the court that there was a similarity between the paintings displayed on Manson’s website and the injuries suf-

fered by Jodi; although Detective Constable Adam Brunton, a witness for the prosecution, admitted that no material concerning the Black Dahlia murder had been found at Mitchell’s home. However, the press still went on to print headlines such as “Evil of Goth Rock That Led to Horror Killing of Jodi, 14” (The Daily Express, January 22 2005). These articles emphasised the role of Mitchell’s musical tastes more than the fact that he was allegedly smoking enough cannabis per day for a policeman involved with the case to comment on the effect it would have had on his mental state: “even for an adult it would have been difficult to function” stated Det. Con Brian Melrose in court during the trial.

cherubs to dangerous monsters overnight. Isn’t this a very simplistic view of the world to assume that violent media are solely responsible for causing violent behaviour? Although there are some seriously unbalanced individuals out there who will feed off what they see in the media at large, and by this I mean any kind of ‘violent’ images or suggestion from television, films and beyond, I believe that we should be able to look deeper into this issue and see that the media does not act alone in influencing people’s behaviour.

Scapegoat While Mitchell was a prolific drug user, many newspapers and other media chose to point the finger at ‘violent lyrics’ and the behaviour of a rock star as a leading factor in Mitchell’s atrocious crime. Manson admits that he expects this kind of attention: ‘I can see why they would pick me; as it’s easy to throw my face on TV, because I’m a poster boy for fear.’ This isn’t the first time that Manson has been singled out as being partially responsible for the crimes of others; the shooting at Columbine High School, Colorado in 1999 was another case on which the public were guided by the media to look at Marilyn Manson, gothic music, violent movies and video games as alienating their children; turning them from little

MANSON: Not to blame In the case of Luke Mitchell, his drug use should be seen as another important factor in the events that led to his murderous behaviour. And let’s not forget that it’s now easy for criminals (because of all this hype around ‘dangerous’ media) to cast their minds over the contents of their DVD collection or CD rack and blame their actions on a seemingly innocuous media item: the modern way of saying ‘the devil made me do it’. A similar kind of controversy followed the murder of James Bulger in the early 1990s by two other young boys who had been allegedly watching the violent film, ‘Child’s Play 3’ before they abducted him. The irony is that the film’s narrative is largely devoted to a desperate attempt to save the life of a small child, rather than ending it. If the boys had watched the film, and there is no real evidence that they did, then their crime might not necessarily have been based on their viewing experience. This detail was not given much coverage in the media at large; instead, newspaper readers were encouraged to protest against the sale of ‘video nasties’ and burn copies of the film that they already owned. The moral panic that ensued over the video nasty affair had therefore no real basis, yet many films were banned from the UK, some of which are still unavailable to this day. There is not necessarily a connection between violent films and violent behaviour; violent films may in fact discourage violent behaviour through its gritty portrayals of the horrific nature of violent crime. A study by an affiliate of the British Board of Film Classification showed that, when two groups of 15-year-old boys (offenders and non-offenders) were asked what their favourite film was, there was only a one per-cent difference between the groups whose

favourite film had an 18 certificate. The study also showed that background had a much larger effect on the group of offenders, most of whom were from one parent families and had histories of abuse and or drug use. So are we patronising mass audiences too much? Can’t we trust them to make their own judgements, and not blindly commit ‘copycat’ violence? Some directors and producers are cottoning on to the fact that it is more innovative to make a film about violence, rather than one that simply contains violence. Oliver Stone’s Natural Born Killers has been the site of much discussion around the media effects debate. One woman in America took the producers of the film, Regency Enterprises, to court after she was paralysed by being shot by a couple that supposedly later blamed their actions on their recent viewing of the film. Oliver Stone defends his film pointing out that it is ultimately a film about violence, not a violent film. At one point during the film, the main character, played by Woody Harrelson has the ironic words ‘Too Much TV’ projected onto his body – making a statement about the state of society and our willingness to believe that violent behaviour must be caused by something out of our control. We are increasingly trying to reject our moral culpability, and live more and more in a ‘blame culture’, in which we try to wriggle out of our own responsibilities and actions as much as possible.

Moral Panic More recently, the director Gus van Sant’s Elephant, which tried to rationalise and explore the issues around youth violence and media effects, was criticised for being too violent upon its release in 2003. Perhaps we should give the audience enough credit to decipher the films meaning, i.e. that it is not the media that inspires violence amongst a disaffected youth, but the causes of their distancing of themselves from mainstream society. Violent ‘slasher’ films are designed for audience gratification, but Elephant was described as an ‘antislasher’ film - nobody ‘deserved’ to die, unlike those in a ‘classic’ slasher film morality - and their pointless deaths are an anti-climax and do not incite excitement or praise. We deserve more credit than this; those who commit violent acts in our society do so in most cases because they are inclined to regardless of their viewing habits. It is convenient for both the news media and the perpetrator to blame violence on TV, on cinema and on the mass media in general, instead of facing up to the fact that other, less comfortable factors are involved - whether that be abuse in the home, bullying, drug use or a myriad of other reasons . Violent media viewing is only a small part of their psyche.

Free Stuff

May 9 2005

Page 19


Win a Holiday with SINCE ALL travellers love to brag about their adventures on the road, Lonely Planet is giving them the chance to. With its first global online game geared at swapping travel tales, tall and true, travellers can tell the world. Got a story so outrageous it seems like it couldn’t possibly be true? Have a talent for writing fiction that reads like fact? Always the literary critic? Able to spot a big fat lie from miles away? These are all attributes of the perfect player for the Lonely Planet ‘Stranger Than Fiction’ game. From April 26 to June 21, 2005, travellers can write their travel stories and read the experiences of others online at Play as a writer or a reviewer, or both. Whether a seasoned country-hopper or one who has never travelled, players can read and write as many stories as they like, with increased chances of winning one of the fantastic prizes every time they play. Peers will judge stories, with fellow travellers weighing in the merits and likelihood of each posting. Players can log in and check their scorecards to keep track of their progress and standing during the course of the game.

Lonely Planet has teamed up with Gecko’s Adventures to award the First Prize Writer and the First Prize Reviewer in the ‘Stranger than Fiction’ competition a Gecko’s ‘Amazon & Incas’ 14-day holiday to South America. As if that’s not enough, Lonely Planet has also put together everything a traveller needs for a trip, including World Nomads travel insurance, Teva footwear, an Icebreaker jacket, a Macpac travel pack, an Ekit phone card, and of course, Lonely Planet’s range of Shoestring Guides, plus much more for the grand prize and runner-up winners. How does it work? Every time you play the game, you get one entry into the prize draw for the role you’re playing (two separate prize databases, one for writers, one for reviewers). At the end of the game, Lonely Planet will draw winners from each database. Runners up will be chosen at random from each category. So, if something amazing happened to you while on the road or if you’ve got a fertile imagination, then make sure you visit from April 26 through June 21 and take the challenge, kids. What are you waiting for?

Get the Ability XXXtreme

I FEEL better about myself now. I am not simply providing a distraction to you all when you should be working hard but I am also helping you with your studies. I have managed to get my mitts on some free office software for you lucky readers. Ability Software International have developed new office software especially to meet the needs of students like us. The package, Ability Office Basics, delivers word processing, spreadsheet, photoediting, photoalbum and drawing modules. And at only £29.99, you must agree it provides exceptional value for money. Ability Office Basics provides the most popular features of the company’s acclaimed commercial software, Ability Office Professional. One of the greatest

advantages of Basics is its interface, which will be familiar to most people who have used PC software before. It is also very simple to install from CD onto the hard disk and takes up only 50MB of space. This dedicated home software solution is perfect for a wide range of home-computing applications from writing letters and essays, to keeping the household accounts and from editing and enhancing muchloved digital photos to cataloguing them in a userfriendly organiser. Ability Software International provides free, unlimited technical support by email and Ability Office Basics is available immediately. For your nearest stockist, please visit or email Or you could answer this really easy question and get yourself one of the two copies I have stored up in the office for free. Where should you visit to find your nearest Ability stockist? Enter in the usual way.

ONCE AGAIN, my lovely self at grab! is giving you poor hard-working students a helping hand. If you have done no work and no longer have enough time to cram in all that revision I have the perfect competition for you. Fox’s have come up with the first ever ‘cramming confectionery’ to help you out with all that exam preparation. Fox’s XXXTREME is the world’s first energy boosting sweet. As it is fused with taurine and caffeine, it is

designed to aid concentration, which is just what you need as you hit the books. Fox’s is offering one weary student and their housemates a muchneeded supply of their fruit flavoured sweets. XXXTREME comes in convenient tubes, meaning that you can have them to hand wherever and whenever you need that extra push, so when it comes to the exam hall, they’ll be more effective than that usual pack of mints. One pack of XXXTREME contains the equivalent of 2 cans of the lead-

ing energy drinks. However, unlike energy drinks, they don’t have to be consumed all at once. (Thank god for that, consuming a whole tube at once would be slightly dangerous.) Packaged in distinctive blue and red metallic tubes and retailing at an RRP of 59p, XXXTREME will be available from the end of this month, but one lucky winner will receive a messenger bag containing 156 tubes, a prize worth around £115. That should be enough to make sure that you and all your housemates - and every one down your street as a matter of fact - receive the boost they need to pass all their exams. To win this amazing prize and thus a first-class degree (as you will be studying so hard with all that extra energy, not out on the piss, dancing) all you have to do is answer this super easy question: How much will each XXXTREME packet be sold for? Enter in the usual way.

HELLO THERE my lovelies. After my alcohol special last week, I thought I would do the right thing and launch some competitions that will actually help you with your revision and coursework. How nice of me. Then, as the summer holidays are coming up I thought I would give you a taster of some of the great things you can do once all the work is finished (i.e. go on holiday) just so you can be sure of a light at the end of the tunnel. If you fancy any of the stuff on this page simply email me at the above address. Good luck kids xx

Five Minute Fun

Page 20

May 9 2005


The Big Quiz* * or the rather small quiz about political scandal

A: B: C: D:

All the King’s Men All the President’s Men Nixon Liar Liar

4. Which of the following has not had an affair? 1. Why was Boris Johnson sacked? A: B: C: D:

A: B: C: D: E:

Having an affair Pissing off Liverpool Lying about his affair Being utterly stupid

2. Which US President left his semen on a blue dress? Bush Clinton Reagan Eisenhower

5. Whose daughter was recently caught up in a dir ty dancing scandal? A: B: C: D:

Because it would be downright rude not to

1) ‘Formicophilia’ is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals 2) Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants

David Miller John Major Jeffrey Archer Charles Kennedy All of the above

Michael Howard President Bush President Chirac Rober t Kilroy-Silk

AnnSummers: 1.C, 2.B, 3.B, 4,D, 5.B

A: B: C: D:

Fact me till i fart

3. What was the name of the film on Watergate starring Rober t Redford and Dustin Hoffman called?

3) Finger nails grow 4 times faster than toenails 4) Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete 5) At 40 degrees centigrade a person looses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant. Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

So another week, another five minutes of fun! Thought it would be highly appropriate to think back to some of the political scandals we’ve witnessed after the scandal-free election campaign of 2005! Although a Tory government would ensure plenty more!


in the (virtually impossible) event of a tie . . .

Name a politician with the same first name as a Wimbledon winning tennis player (apart from Boris Johnson!)





Tie-breaker: To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Award-Winning Television

May 9 2005

Page 21


This week’s leg in the TV’s Desk: May 2 - May 8 2005

Bap Happy Chappies Get Slappy For Trev’s Lackeys Fists are flying, chavs are dying whilst the Tonight team are prying


The Pub Rub a Dub Dub, The Old Fisherman and Faggot is the hot spot to rock this summer. The pub, no matter how decripit it is, has so much more class than your inner city vomitorium. Plus, who wears a white shirt and hot pants to the pub? Exactly.

SOAPS Having gone from a angst-ridden teenage plank who self-harmed to Travis singles, Lisa Hunter has not only turned into Lisa Munter, but also Little Lisa Fucksalot. I’ve watched Hollyoaks twice this year so far in the hope that the two best characters (Lee Hunter and Steph Dean) are in it, which neither of them have been, and instead I’ve been subjected to this tawdry bint having two entirely different affairs with Jake whatshis name who used to be in Night and Day, and now with past-his-sell-bydate rent-a-Beckham Ben. Quite a change. If this is supposed to resemble reality, then I’m going to head down to Liquid tomorrow night to check out all the ex-manics fans I used to know out in boob tubes trying to molest the bouncers. Lisa the hunted has definitely become the Hunter.

Yo! Another seven scintillating days have gone, didn’t they just speed by? No, you were too busy up to your eyelids in revision notes and filtered coffee? Unlucky, I don’t have any exams and can therefore feast on this weeks veritable smorgasbord of greasy cholesterol-tastic telvisual toss-ups. First things first, the original film of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Friday, BBC1 11.35pm) starring Donald Sutherland slices through the late night schedule like a two-bit nerd with a stanley knife, which conveniently, is pretty much what happens in the film. It is worth watching to note how much of he original plot and characters they used to make the subsequently awesome series; ie- not very much. However, this whole thing clashes with TV Desk faves and current holders of the coverted can-we-possibly-go-onabout-them-any-more award, Montreal’s Arcade Fire, being on Later With Jools Holland (Friday BBC2 11.35pm) so you’ll have to make your mind up well in advance. Although since the original smooth shite also has The Foo Fighters and the Black Eyed Peas performing, you could just flick across on the bits where old Don Sutherland is doing his preachy slayer-legacy speaches and catch a bit of Canadian loveliness. Another program you’d be fooling to miss is Happy Slapping: A Tonight Special (Thursday ITV1, 10pm). An insight into the “late s t

TV John Hates Parents who pierce their childrens ears before they can speak, people who buy posters, not being able to find any hats in town that aren’t sun hats or baseball caps or with cannabis leaves on, being called pretentious just because you’ve taken time out to be interested in something, Colin Farrel being deified for being a lad-about Hollywood, JK and Joel’s racist, sexist banter being deemed the ‘future’ of the Radio 1 chart, VE day nonsense already in flow, the fact that we have a television in the office tonight, six TV writers and are surrounded by last week’s gair rhydd and someone still asked what’s on now, groups of student boys who all put their arms around each other and gurn when someone plays Kasabian in a club, the old man who foams at the mouth when he talks who walks down The Hayes, new pictures of The Knobbing Frog dressed up in regal clothing and the Mona Lisa, having my discman stolen outside The Barfly, haggardness and tiredness combining in one foul concoction, my fingernails, my hair, my face etc...


The Club Sorry what? What? Erm can you wrap your mouth around my ear and completely yell what you’re trying to say, I can’t hear you. Oh, the musics crap, I think so too. I said I think so too! Hang on, I’ll write it down, you got a pen? I said have you got a pen? Have.You.Got.A.Pen? trend” (that is to say, it’s happened twice and the Daily Mail’s got hold of it) of teenagers beating the living crap out of a stranger and filming it on their video phones. This should, by rights, be hilarious and if it leads to a worldwide ban on video phones and thus stopping morons at gigs trying to film the band onstage and trying to recreate sweeping ‘Top of the Pops’ style camera movements right infront of me, then bring on Trevor McDonald and his overexhuberant damning documentary dictations. Another week gone and we’re another step closer to ending the year on a high. By the time you read this, we’ll have found out if TV Desk have won best section at the Media

Awards. Why wouldn’t we? This week, you should tune into Dennis Norden’s 8th Laughter File (Wednesday, ITV1, 11pm) because it’ll probably be the last time you see him on TV before he pops his clogs. When he’s passed on, his clipboard will be auctioned off for countless millions. We’ve already sorted out some spare change to pay for it all. One more gem for you, and a welcome return to our hallowed screens is The Munsters (Daily, BBC2, 11.30am). The cheap rip-off of the Adams family (or the forerunner of it, my knowledge isn’t great) is a b/w classic. It’s one of those shows you probably wouldn’t ever watch if you were forced to but because it’s on all week, and there’s nothing better on, you’ll feel the need to watch it. I’m off now to collect my Media Award for best donkey beater and P o p e Basher.

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Eeek! It’s Geek Week for Freaks The ultimate nerd accessory hits the shops this week. Not only is it animated (nerd value+50) it’s also only available on dvd (nerd value +100), it’s also sci-fi (nerd value +200) , related to Star Wars (nerd value +500) and best of all, is the missing link between Star Wars Episodes II and III (nerd value +ad infinium). You know it makes sense, you know it’s Star Wars: Clone Wars (released May 9th). Having spent more than 5% of my life outdoors and away from internet news groups in the last few years, I have precisely no knowledge about what goes on in Clone Wars, apart from that it’s hotly anticipated. But then if you’re tied up to a large stick of dynamite with a wire rope half-strangling you and a burning fuse slowly edging closer towards you, your untimely death would also be hotly anticipated so I wouldn’t cream yourself just yet. I found out the other day that ‘Nasty’ Nick Cotton from Eastenders appears in Return of the Jedi. Let’s hope his character is reprised in Episode III. Actually, can you reprise something that occurs in a prequel? I’d also like to add at this point I don’t know anything about Star Wars in general, having never watched any of this pathetic, piffling bollocks (nerd value -5000)

SPORT It’s the end of the road for West Brom, Norwich and Crystal Palace, the unlucky losers in the beautiful game of football. You tried your best, but 4th from bottom BELONGS to Southampton you bunch of dead-beat championship try-hards. A good effort, but you’re going DOWN. Match of the Day. (Saturday 10.30pm)

FILMS Bee Movie thrills are causing a buzz on Five (Wednesday 3.45pm) with the amaze-sting story of Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare. With a title that tantilising, how can you possibly say no? Apparently this film was made straght for TV. No shit, Sherlock.

RADIO Radio 2 keep pulling out great nights of radio out of their neat gray and brown holdall-style bag. This Tuesday, We have Steve Lamacq displaying his grey roots by presenting a show about ‘proper’ European music in The Real Eurovision (8.30pm) with an interview with Madeleine Peyroux, who’s a lovely French lass who looks like the singer from Starsailor. Shortly after is the next in the series of programs celebrating fifty years of the Ivor Novello awards (The Ivors at 50, 9.30pm) the only ceremony to acknowledge songwriting AND the record that sells the most numbers of copies regardless of how crap it is. Finally to round off the night, the ubiquetous Mark Radcliffe (10.30pm) has the wonderful Martha Wainwright in session, whose Bloody Motherfucking Asshole should win both an IN AND Eurovision.


Page 22

May 9 - May 15 2005


19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three You have probably concluded that tonight’s TV is utter cack. I suggest a night out. Here’s my tips for a fun evening on a budget. Go to the Pen & Wig and down a bottle of Santa Lucia. (4 quid-ish) It tastes a bit pissy but does the job.Then play Jenga. Alternatively, go on the internet and type your own name in google image search. Email your namesake and arrange a meeting. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 MPs' Outtakes 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Ideal 0.00 Wedding Stories 0.55 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.25 MPs' Outtakes

6.00 GMTV2. 9.25 Married with Children. 9.55 Married with Children. 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy. 12.20 People's Court. 1.30 Coronation Street. 2.00 Emmerdale.2.30 Emmerdale. 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show. 3.50 Trisha. 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael. 5.45 Judge Judy. 7.00 Married with Children. 7.30 Married with Children. 8.00 World's Deadliest Storms. The ones with lightening and hailstones the size of a child’s head. Avoid.(The programme and the storms) 9.00 The Contender. 10.00 The Contender. 11.00 Coronation Street. 11.30 Coronation Street. Ian McKellan? What will be nextFamily Affairs with Kevin Spacey? Brad Pitt seducing Pauline Fowler? 0.00 Married with Children. 0.30 Married with Children Grace and Ron Rifkin. 1.00 Champions League Weekly. 1.25 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Highlights.

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today. 8.35 LK Today 9.25 People's Court. 10.30 This Morning. I woke up with the hangover of death, and still feel as rough as a buzzard’s crotch. Need to go back to my manky hovel and die.10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. Including local news and weather. 1.30 Perseverance. 2.00 Loose Women. 2.45 Mum's On Strike. 3.30 Miffy and Friends. Miffy Finds a Cup Miffy obviously doesn’t live in my house, where you’ve more chance of seeing Lord Lucan than finding a clean item of crockery. 3.35 Tractor Tom. Puppy Problems Puppy Love? Puppy Fat? 3.45 Bernard. Turning Japanese 3.55 King Arthur's Disasters. The Surprise Quest 4.25 My Parents are Aliens. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale. 7.30 Coronation Street. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald. 8.30 Coronation Street. 9.00 FILM: About a Boy. (2002) Film about a boy. I realise I am about as funny as E-Coli tonight. Sorry. 10.30 ITV News. 11.00 FILM: About a Boy. 11.30 The Championship. 0.10 Champions League Weekly. 0.35 Doves in Profile. Ace 1.00 Trisha. 1.55 Loose Women. 2.30 Moving Day. Students frantically attempt to conceal the giant holes they kicked in the walls as the prospect of getting their bonds back becomes increasingly unlikely.

19.00 Britain's Best Buildings 20.00 The World 20.30 Cover Stories: Maxim . 21.00 Time Shift: Red Robbo 21.30 Time Shift: The Grunwick Strike22.15 Time Shift: Greenham Common ... Changed my Life 22.55 Time Shift: Political Thrillers 23.25 Britain's Best Buildings 0.25 Cover Stories: Maxim 0.55 Time Shift: Red Robbo 01.25 Time Shift: The Grunwick Strike 02.10 Time Shift: Greenham Common ... Changed my Life Ron Davies: Clapham Common...Changed my life. 02.55 Britain's Best Buildings Cardiff University Students’ Union. A splendid example of twentieth-century architecture. 03.55 Close Who will win the honour of shittest night of television ever? Will it be ITV2? Or is it going to be BBC4? Seriously guys, just say no. Say no to ITV2. It will rot your brain and makes you infertile. BBC4 is a tad more intellectually stimulating, but I’d rather watch grass grow. Release me from the Monday night TV prison...

Britain’s Best Buildings BBC4 7.00pm

6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King of Queens 8:50 Will and Grace 9:20 Home Sweet Home 9:30 Teens on Trial Kirsty - Shoplifting 10:00am National Gallery: Love Story 10:05 99 Ways to Lose Your Virginity No doubt Anne Widdecombe is watching with bated breath. 10:55 Quit: A Hole in My Neck Hmmm, think the listings are worryingly ominous tonight. Think I should stop being a dirty, minging fag hag. It’s not big and it’s not clever. 11:00 Rude Britannia 11:30 From The Top: Ava Vidal 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Cheers 12:55 Comanche Station 2:15 The Great Garden Challenge 3:15 Countdown With guest Esther Rantzen. Ahhh remember Hearts of Gold? She’s a bit past it now. I always wanted one of those brooches. 4:00 Room for Improvement 5:00 Richard and Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder: The End of My War 8:00 cinema Iran 9:00 The Explosive 80’s: Property Revolution 10:00 ER: Refusal of Care 11:05pm FAQ U Probably the best of a bad bunch of TV blandness tonight.11:35 Cinema Iran: On the Road With Kiarostami0:10 Cinema Iran: Where is My Friend’s House 1:45 Cinema Iran: Through the Olive Trees3:35 Dancing Under the Dust Cover 3:50 1300 CC The children of 70’s band 10cc cover their smash hit ‘Life is a Minestrone’. Also includes a drum n bass reworking of ‘I’m not in love’ with Cheryl Baker on vocals.


6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood.6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks. 6:50 Monster Cafe.7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures. 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest. 7:55 Newsround..8:00 CBeebies: Balamory. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Fireman Sam. 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It. 9:00 Tweenies. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 The Story Makers.TV Manners has revealed that his full name is Rumplestiltskin Manners III and regularly dances naked around a fire in the centre of the stone circle in Bute Park. 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog. 10:15 Little Red Tractor. 10:30 Look and Read. 10:50 Look and Read. 11:10 A Fish out of Water. 11:30 The Munsters. 11:55 What a Carry On! 12:20pm: Trade Secrets. Professionals share the tricks of their trade. This week: TV desk secrets are revealed. Rub lard into your skin for that freshfaced ‘TV Editor’ look. Never spike your own drink. 12:30 Working Lunch. 1:00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales. The Taming of the Shrew. 1:30 Timewatch. 2:20 The Great War. 3:00 My Best Friend...Che Guevara. 3:30 Escape to the Country.4:30 Ready Steady Cook. 5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Flog It! A dead horse.7:00 Seven Natural Wonders. 7:30 Small Town Gardens. 8:00 Rick Stein's Food Heroes. 8:30 University Challenge: The Final. Paxman smirks too violently and his face implodes 9:00 How Art Made the World. 10:00 Vic and Bob in Catterick. 10:30 Newsnight 0:20 Joins BBC News 24.

Joss Stone Hits NY S4C 1.45am

2:00pm The O.C 3:00 Average Joe: Adam Returns 4:00 Switched TV Grace is replaced by a giant singing squirrel and no-one bats an eyelid. 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Without a Trace My Mojo. Feel like a crusty old tramp. 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 10:00 Fool Around...With Kenzie The ‘Z’ in his name stands for ‘Z list’. 10:30 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 11:00 Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights 11:35 Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights 12:05 4 Go Dating: Virgins TV Manners salivates... 12:35 Extreme Celebrity Detox 1:35 Extreme Celebrity Detox 2:35 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 3:20 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind Derren Reveals that the entire career of popular funksters ‘North and South’ was an illusion.

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss You can’t make chocolate biscuits out of butterbeans and breadcrumbs!! Bagpuss: Pink and proud. 06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Ebb and Flo 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.25 Franklin 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser I go to the vending machine with three pounds and forty-seven pence. How many chocolate bars can I purchase? How many can I eat before I vomit them back up? 14.00 Film: Columbo: Try and Catch Me 15.40 Film: The Golden Gate Murders 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Fireballs from Space 20.00 Massive Machines 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 The Child Who's Older than Her Grandmother: Extraordinary People How? Don’t get it. 22.00 The Woman with the Mysterious Brain: Extraordinary People 22.30 The Farm 23.35 Joey 0.00 Celebrities Uncensored 0.35 Alias Starring an actor called Ron Rifkin.I think this is the coolest name ever. I’m going to seek him out and marry him. 01.20 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 02.10 Boxing: Fight of the Week Pauline Prescott Vs Darth Vader 03.15 US PGA Golf 04.05 NBA Action 04.30 Argentinian Football


Columbo five 2.00pm


6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Missing. 10:00 City Hospital. 11:00 Trading Up. 11:30 Car Booty. 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours.2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. Sugar and Spice, Malice and Vice. Angela Lansbury sells her body to fund her cake addiction. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger. 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids. 4:00 Home Farm Twins. 4:15 Mona the Vampire. Droll Troll. 4:35 Lizzie McGuire. 5:00 Serious Dessert. Serious Desserts: Death By Chocolate, Spotted Dick (not the most appetising of puddings), Baked Alaska (A sad reminder of the effects of global warming) 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours.Summer tries her first cigarette. I tried to give up smoking yesterday and lasted an hour. 6:00 BBC News. Nina Nanar: what a woman. 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather. 7:00 Ground Force Revisited. 7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce. Here’s a story for you:Doyle deleted everything I wrote so here I am writing THE WHOLE PAGE AGAIN. I am calm and serene like a swan, honest. 8:00 EastEnders. 8:30 Bailiffs. 9:00 New Tricks. 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 10:35 Skint. 11:05 FILM: A Time to Kill. Doyle attempts to flee from a crazed TV editor hell-bent on vengeance. Will he escape? 1:30am: Sign Zone: The Reclaimers.2:00 Sign Zone: Jeremy Vine Meets Ken Stott.


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7 Natural Wonders BBC2 7.00pm



06:10 The Hoobs: Not a Horse No shit. 06:35 The Hoobs: Elbows Elbows are great. Elbows are lovely. I’m talking bollocks. I don’t care.07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team Special : Loch Tay . 09:55 Film: Jules Verne’s Rocket To The Moon 11:35 Nokia Urban Music Festival With Prince’s Trust: Will Smith's Highlights 12:05 Point Pleasant: The Lonely Hunter 12:55 The O.C 13:50 Y Clwb Rygbi 16:00 A Place In The Sun 16.30 The Secret Election Michael Howard voted for the BNP 17:00 Newyddion 17:10 Y Clwb Rygbi 19:25 Risg-y business 19:55 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:10 Tipyn O Stad 20:40 Hwyl Y Noson Lawen 21:10 O Flaen Dy Lygaid 22:10 Film: The Full Monty (1997) 23:50 Film: Red Planet (2000) 01:45 Joss Stone Hits New York Yeah! Are you diggin’ on me? No! You ‘boho’ ho. Ho. 02.45 Empire Square 03:15 Bennetts British Superbike Stabilisers. They’re the best.


May 9 - May 15 2005

Page 23

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children. 9.55 Married with Children. 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael. 11.10 Judge Judy 12.20 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married with Children. 8.00 House of Horrors 8.30 Planet's Funniest Animals Starring Kilroy, Taf-Od, Ruud van Nistelrooy, Judith Chalmers, and Jessie wanking Wallace. 9.00 Neighbours from Hell You wouldn’t want the Husseins moving in. Especially when you have the Wests on the other side. 10.00 FILM: Beverly Hills Cop Starring THE greatest 80s actor Judge Reinhold. YES! 0.05 Married with Children 0.35 Married with Children 1.05 The Ricki Lake Show 1.45 Sally Jessy Raphael Musical choice of this week is Bruce. Live 1975-85 is a particular favourite. The piano only version of Thunder Road is indespensable.

19.00 Days That Shook the World John Candy’s death. 20.00 The World 20.30 Dickens in America No he’s not, he’s in the GR office, beavering away on World News. 21.00 Hot Spots: Nigeria 22.00 The Desk 22.30 Dickens in America 23.00 Himalaya with Michael Palin During a Gurkha recruitment Palin is disturbed by Maoist insurgents, saffron - simply because it’s very bloody expensive. 24.00 Days That Shook the World The Pixies reform. And yes I am talking baout Frank Black’s stage-dive. 01.00 Birdland: April in Paris 01.10 Mike Hodges: Beyond Get Carter 01.40 Hot Spots: Nigeria Nigeria has suffered a turbulent and bloody history, ripped apart soon after independence by civil war followed by a series of brutal military dictators. Sounds L-O-V Lovely. 02.40 Dickens in America 03.10 Days That Shook the World “Screen door slams, Mary’s dress waves. Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio plays. Roy Orbison singing for the lonely.”

2:00pm The O.C.: The Third Wheel Kirsten's unemployed sister, Hailey, moves in with the Cohens and disrupts the entire family when she behaves like the houseguest from Hell. No-one likes a guest to eat your first born child. It’s just plain rude. 3:00 Average Joe: Adam Returns Steal my chair and feel my wrath Stanton! 4:00 Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends: The One with the Jam 5:30 Friends: The One with Frank Jr 6:00 Without A Trace 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 The O.C. 10:00 Fool Around… With Kenzie 10:30pm Bo’ Selecta! Vol. 3 11:15pm Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights the one with Keith Lard. GEEENIUS. Despite what TV John ahem Bastian Springs says. 11:50 Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights 12:20 4 Go Dating 12:50am Extreme Celebrity Detox

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06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss 06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Ebb and Flo 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.25 Franklin 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away Henry has a troubled first day back at school after his false confession to the police. He didn’t really rape that pig. Honest! 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm Featuring Abi timuss wanking a pig. YES! 16.00 Film: "Six Million Dollar Man" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Ivar Kants. This is ACTUALLY the name of the episode. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Tim Marlow on Caravaggio: The Final Years 20.00 Hunt for Hitler's Scientists: Revealed Documentary detailing the top-secret battle between the Allies to hunt down elite Nazi scientists and capture their deadly new weapons at the end of World War Two. 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.00 The Real CSI 22.30 The Farm 23.20 Jordan Gets Even 24.20 The Dead Zone Featuring the Pope, Prince Ranier of Monaco and Gary Andrews, the drummer of Crowded House and someone out of American Head Charge. 01.10 NBA Basketball: Game of the Week 03.15 NASCAR Busch Series 04.05 Motorsport Mundial


6:00 Insektors 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King of Queens 8:55 Will & Grace 9:20 Home Sweet Home 9:30 Teens On Trial: Jason and Richard This could be an interesting variation on the Michael Jackson case. 10:00 Tate Modern 10:05am A-Z of Your Head This week: Y - Y is for yanking out your willy and sticking it inside someone’s ear. 10:55 Quit: Family Habit What is? Incest? 11:00 Rude Brittania: Maria You’ve got to see her. Slag. 11:30 From The Top: Bruce Oldfield 11:55 Re-Writing History What TV Manners does when he teaches the kids at his school that Adolf Hitler was a Nice Man. 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Forty Guns to Apache Pass 2:15 The Great Garden Challenge 3:15 Cuntdown 4:00 Room For Improvement 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons FACT: If we were to use an image of The Simpsons from the Channel 4 press site we are only allowed to use three images. Otherwise News Corporation will sue our testicles off. 6:30 Hollyoaks 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:55 3 Minute Wonder 8:00 Property Ladder 9:00 Bad Behaviour 10:00 Bring Back… Grange Hill 11:05 FAQ U 11:40 Comedy Lab: Modern Toss Razorlight, The Killers, Caesers, Muse, Keane etc., you get the picture 12:10 Cinema Iran: The Apple 1:45am Cinema Iran: A Moment of Innocence 3:10 Monster Jam UK 3:40 A Changed Man



6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Perseverance How many inane TV listings can you deal with in one year. 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's On Strike 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Tractor Tom 3.45 Bernard Presuambly, given that this is on CiTV, this doesn’t star Bernard Manning. Shame. 3.55 Rugrats 4.25 My Parents are Aliens 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Sadie denies being the third woman. She’s actually the fifth. 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 Deep Jungle 9.00 Bad Girls Featuring TV Grace and her merry band of fountain swimming lasses. The drunks. 10.30 ITV News 11.00 How the War Changed Wales 11.30 Never to be Forgotten Here’s where we put the obligotary mention of TV Manners’ favourite - Pope John Paul II 0.05 The District Voting district. Pop quiz hot shot... what’s it called when a politican changes constituency boundaries to aid their own election prospects? Answer somewhere in the S4C listings. 0.55 The Paul O'Grady Show 1.45 F1: Spanish Grand Prix Replayed Geordie is here so I better get in my obligatory mention of Geordie. Geordie. There you go. This week’s TV Desk is brought to you in association with the letter Y and the number 42. Fans of Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy will know that this is the meaning of life. Amen




19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Ideal 2.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Three families struggling with troublesome toddlers have one week to turn their lives around at the House of Tiny Tearaways - if you name your house that then you’re asking for problems. 23.00 Nighty Night 23.30 Bohemian Rhapsody Well heellllooo. If it isn’t the most overrated song by the most overrated band in the world then I don’t know what is. And why there’s an hour programme devoted to it? I also don’t know. 24.30 Wedding Stories 01.25 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 02.25 Ideal My ideal night... a nice takeaway - a chicken tikka masala perhaps, then some good TV - Desperate Houswives and MOTD perhaps. Then a nice cup of coffee and... God, I’m old. 02.50 Wedding Stories

6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster Cafe Roy’s Rolls 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It The new optometry building. 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 Landmarks. The Caribbean Islands 10:50 Primary History. Tudor Life: Children, A Girl's Story 11:10 Music Makers Starring 911 who incidentally WEREN’T the inspiration for the Semptember 11 attacks. 11:30 The Munsters 11:55 What a Carry On! 12:20pm: Trade Secrets 12:30 Working Lunch A bacon sandwich becomes an accountant. 1:00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 1:30 Timewatch 2:20 The Great War 3:00 The Flying Gardener 3:30 Escape to the Country 4:30 Ready Steady Cook 5:15 Weakest Link 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 Britain's Best Buildings 8:00 Mastermind 8:30 Fred Dibnah's Made in Britain 9:00 The Monastery 10:00 The League of Gentlemen 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy 11:55 FILM: Saturn 3 1:20am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: History 4:00 History. Black Peoples of the Americas Anyone who wants to join us in an ill-advised game of American football get in touch on the usual number.

Home & Away five 6pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Missing 10:00 City Hospital Featuring CUSU’s Media Officer Gary Andrews, who, after a three week campaign against Heath Hospital is now there getting his head bandaged up. I think the Germans call this schadenfreude 11:00 Trading Up 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 50/50 4:35 What's New Scooby Doo? 5:00 Short Change 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Lyn has a complicated new love interest. Anyone remember Bouncer? 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Love Me, Love My Kids More appealing than, say, Love Me, Love my uterus. 7:30 EastEnders Ruby's attempts to clear the air lead to a bewildering discovery about Tina and Johnny. they’re both humanoid lizards! 8:00 Holby City 9:00 Life Isn't All Ha Ha Hee Hee 10:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 10:35 ONE Life 11:20 FILM: Get Carter ‘Gritty’ British drama with Michael Caine. Something about a carpark. 1:15am: Sign Zone: See Hear 2:00 Sign Zone: A Life of Grime New York 2:30 Sign Zone: Bailiffs 3:00 Sign Zone: The Town That Wants a Twin 3:30 Joins BBC News 24 It’s election night in the office. We reckon the Lib-Dems may take Cardiff Central. Here’s hoping...

Mum’s On Strike ITV1 2.45pm


Music Makers BBC2 11.10am

Spanish GP ITV 1.45


06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 Transworld Sport 08:00 Morning Line 08:55 Time Team Special 09:55 FILM: Jules Verne’s Rocket to the Moon 11:35 Nokia Urban Music Festival with Prince’s Trust: Will Smith's Highlights 12:05 Point Pleasant 12:55 The O.C: The Second Chance 13:50 Y Clwb Rygbi 16:00 A Place in the Sun 16.30 The Secret Election 17:00 Newyddion 17:10 Y Clwb Rygbi 19:25 Risg 19:55 Newyddion A Chwaraeon 20:10 Tiypn o Stad 20:40 Hwyl Y Noson Lawen 21:10O Laen Dy Lygaid Yep, that’s right - it’s gerrymandering. Aren’t I a little bright spark. 22:10 FILM: The Full Monty 23:50 FILM: Red Planet 01:45 Joss Stone Hits New York New York looks back unamused, then proceeds to brush Stone away with a quick swipe of Grand Central Station. Middle England cries. It’s a mini adventure. 02.45 Empire Square 03:15 Bennetts British Superbikes 04:15 KOTV Why only two nipples? Good question. Is the answer long enough to fill two lines? No



Page 24

May 9 - May 15 2005

DELIVERED! 029 20229977


6:00 Making It 6:05 Mervyn 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 The King Of Queens 8:55 Will And Grace 9:20 Water Stories 9:30 Teens On Trial 10:00 Arrows Of Desire 10:25 Tate Modern 10:30 Film Focus 10:55 Quit 11:00 Rude Britannia 11:30 From The Top 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Grudge Match 12:45 Cheers 13:15 Channel 4 Racing 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Room For Improvement 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Hollyoaks 19:00 Channel 4 News 19:55 3 Minute Wonder: The End Of My War 20:00 Relocation, Relocation 21:00 Grand Designs Revisited 22:00 Desperate Housewives I’ve now missed so many of these episodes that I am no longer the last word on what’s going on. The O.C. on the other hand still floats my boat. 23:05 FAQ U 23:35 Comedy Lab: Speeding 0:05 Cinema Iran: The Cow (1969) And who says the Iranians don’t respect women? 02:15 Cinema Iran: Still Life (1974) Yeah, just after they’ve shot their first victim of the evening. Sure to be unmissable viewing. 04:00 Cinema Iran: New Talent 04:50 Lemon Crush I misread this as ‘Menon crush’, one of the news monkeys in the office today. 05:10 Cross My Heart The name of the fantastic opening track from the superb album Calendar Days by The Rocket Summer. Brings a tear to my eye everytime I hear it. 05:35 Vee-TV 6:00 Close

6.00 Rolie Polie Olie 6.25 The Save-Ums! 6.35 Bagpuss 6.50 Peppa Pig 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Ebb and Flo 7.40 Funky Valley 7.50 Make Way for Noddy 8.05 Fifi and the Flowertot 8.25 Franklin 8.50 MechaNick 9.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 9.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm 15.45 Film: Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare (1994) Basically this all revolves around some Americans blowing the event out of all proportion. It was only fog and they seemed to think killer bees were after them (from a distance). Fucking idiots. 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.15 Tutankhamun: Reopening the FBI File Why on earth would the FBI have a file on a man who has been dead for over 5000 years 21.00 CSI: Miami 22.00 Great Crimes of the 20th Century 22.30 The Farm I’m reliably informed this has nothing to do with beastiality. Which would probably make more interesting viewing. 23.20 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets The news monkey sitting behind me only remembers The Queen’s Nose as the best TV show of her childhood. Dear oh dear, explains a few things about the state of today’s society. 0.20 World of Rugby 0.50 FIM World Supercross 02.20 Race and Rally UK 02.45 Boxing: Fight of the Week Classics 03.40 Argentinian Football








14:00 The O.C. 15:00 The Next Joe Millionaire 16:00 Switched 16:30 Hollyoaks 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 Without A Trace 19:00 Hollyoaks 19:30 Switched 20:00 Friends 20:30 Friends 21:00 Scrubs 21:30 Scrubs 22:00 Fool Around... With Kenzie I’d rather have my bottom hair plucked one by one whilst watching endless repeats of Dick and Dom’s Ask The Family, than go anywhere near that maggot ridden cunt. 10:30 Peep Show 23:00 Desperate Housewives 0:00 Scrubs 0:30 Scrubs 0:55 4 Go Dating: Virgins Doyle reveaed to the office that during his first time (with a girl he assured us was ‘stunning’) his other half decided to insert her finger up his bumhole. And she had extremely sharp nais. He didn’t stay around long enough to see if she had shit under her fingernails. Nice. 01:25 Peep Show 01:55 The O.C. 02:45 Distraction Today’s is the election which is taking place behind me as we speak. And I’m getting nothing done. 03:10 Distractions 03:40 Close



19.00 Birdland, a History of Jazz: Dream a Little, Dream of Me 19.05 Early Music Greensleeves, Cigarettes And Alcohol, New York, New York, Billie Jean, Sunday Morning, Looking Back On Today, The Early Morning Rush. 20.00 The World is black if you listen to GC. 20.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 21.00 Churchill's Forgotten Years Those will be the ones when he changed from skinny teenager to fat bastard warmonger. Good stuff. 22.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill 23.00 Churchill: Into The Wilderness This was the turbulent period in his life when he tried the Atkin Diet for 2 weeks. Obviously it didn’t last. Fat Bastard. 23.50 Nation on Film: VE Day Special 0.20 Early Music 01.15 Churchill's Forgotten Years 02.50 Churchill: Into The Wilderness 03.40 In the Footsteps of Churchill Which are rather slow, erratic and large. I suppose he did some good, like win the war and ensure we now have to sing Land Of Hope And Glory at every patriotic moment. 04.10 Close


6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children. Al Bundy, Shoe Dick 9.55 Married with Children. So This Is How Sinatra Fel 10.20 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 People's Court 13.30 Coronation Street 14.00 Emmerdale 14.30 Airline USA 15.00 The Ricki Lake Show 15.50 Trisha 16.55 Movies Now 17.05 Judge Judy 18.00 The British Soap Awards 2005 The Stars Arrive Who comes up with this shite? Throw them out Rupert, throw them out. 19.00 Married with Children 19.30 Married with Children 20.00 FILM: Joe Dirt (2000) Porn star extraordinaire. 21.50 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 22.20 Movies Now 22.30 The British Soap Awards 2005 - The Party Cack, cack, cack, cake, cack, cack. 23.30 Coronation Street 0.00 Footballers' Wives 01.00 Footballers' Wives TV 01.30 Married with Children 01.55 Married with Children 02.20 The Ricki Lake Show And yes, she’s still pregnant. And has been for 4 years solid. 03.00 Teleshopping

4 Go Dating: Virgins E4 0.55am

6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.30 Perseverance 14.00 Loose Women 14.45 Mum's On Strike 15.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Tractor Tom 15.45 Bernard 16.00 Art Attack 16.25 My Parents are Aliens This week’s episode is called ‘Fangs for the mammaries’. What the fuck is happening to kid’s TV nowadays? Clearly, the children have had their say and want more sexual innuendos. Or else the students have had their say... 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The British Soap Awards 2005 Undoubtedly the worst show on TV this evening. Shit actors from those cack soaps we all watch. If that cat woman get’s pissed out of her skull and falls over revealing her cellulite ridden arse and dental floss pants, the only decent thing to do would be to stamp on the back of her head before she gets up. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Denis Norden's 8th Laughter File 0.00 The Pitts A discussion with Michael Pitt, the new ‘face’ of Mr Cobain in a story of the final days of his mental life. Great. 0.25 The Magnificent Seven 01.10 cd:uk 01.35 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.25 World Sport 02.50 British Touring Cars Championship 03.45 Loose Women 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Which no one watches. Ever.



The Farm five 9pm



6:00 CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder: Project Build It 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 FILM: The Magnificent Showman (1964) In many ways really a lot like ‘The Showman’ but with genuine added magnificence. 12:40 Trade Secrets 13:00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales: As You Like It 13:30 Working Lunch 14:00 The Great War 14:40 The Flying Gardener 15:15 Tsunami 2004: A Service of Remembrance 16:30 Ready Steady Cook 17:15 Weakest Link 18:00 Flog It! 19:00 No Win No Fee 19:30 Holidays in the Danger Zone: Places That Don't Exist This week, Lilliput, Pigeon Street, Stretton-On-Dunsmore, Thundara, Boulder Hill, Fraggle Rock, Balamory, The Vetch Stadium, Cutthroat Island, Australia, Sesame Street, Bongo Bongo Land, Poole, Farnborough, Spennymoor, Acacia Avenue, Bangor, Gotham City, Byker and Pearl City Sharky & George). 20:00 Natural World 20:50 Wild Scotland 21:00 Compulsion 22:00 Blackadder the Third 22:30 Newsnight 23:20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Before the Flood: Tuvalu 0:20 Joins BBC News 24 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: History 04:00 History is great.









19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Film: Timecop (1994) 22.35 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.05 Spendaholics TV John this week bought 6 cds and now has no money. I on the other hand have spent too much money on a Media Awards ticket (last Saturday by the time you read this) and I’ve pre-ordered the new Rocket Summer album, Hello Good Friend. Awesome. But it does mean I have no money too. 0.00 Wedding Stories 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron Yeah, come into my classroom and I’ll show you fucking tearaways. Man, I hate my job. 01.55 Spendaholics 02.55 Wedding Stories You spend shit loads of money for one day then you watch shoddy reruns on your crappy VHS. Be selfish and blow it all on an overly expensive, humongous honeymoon. That’s what I’m going to do so there. 03.55 Close

Flog It! BBC2 6pm


6:00 Breakfast 9:15 Missin 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Trading Up 11:30 Car Booty 12:15 Bargain Hunt 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 13:40 Neighbours 14:05 Doctors 14:35 Murder, She Wrote 15:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger Clearly, Bodger, if he was still around, would be in prison for kiddie feeling. 15:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 16:00 Mona the Vampire 16:20 The Fairly Odd Parents 16:30 Ace Lightning 17:00 The Stables 17:25 Newsround 17:35 Neighbours 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 19:00 Wildlife on One 19:30 Trauma 20:00 DIY SOS 20:30 Heatwave Cardiff last weekend 22:00 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 22:35 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 22:40 Imagine... A Short History of Tall Buildings Well this is sure to be an explosive, non-stop, laugh a minute thriller. Or else, like much on the BBC, it’ll be utter wank. 23:40 FILM: Without a Clue (1988) An accurate description of TV Manners with regards to anything related to TV. 01:30 Sign Zone: Journey of Life 02:30 Sign Zone: Smart Spenders 03:00 Sign Zone: Amazon Abyss 03:30 Joins BBC News 24


029 20229977

Loose Women ITV1 2pm



6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25 King Of Queens 8:55 Will And Grace 9:20 Waterstories 9:30 Teens On Trial 10:00 Arrows Of Desire 10:25 Tate Modern 10:30 The English Programme 10:55 Life Stuff: Quit 11:00 Rude Britannia 11:30 Life Stuff: From The Top 11:55 Rewriting History 12.00 News At Noon 12:30 Planed Plant Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Clwb Cleber 13:15 Channel 4 News 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:25 Hip Neu Sgip? 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Rcihard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Rownd A Rownd 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Cwpwrdd Dillad 21:00 Cofio 60: Ollion Rhyfel 21:15 04 Wal 21:45 Sioe Gelf 22:15 Grand Designs Revisited 23:15 ER 00:15 Bring Back... Grange Hill and Thundercats, Mask etc. 01:15 FAQ U 01:45 Cinema Iran: Through The Olive Trees (1974) 03:50 Cinema Iran: The Apple (1997) 05:25 Close


Page 25

May 9 - 15 2005

19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC3 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 I did a bit of salsa the other day. And I’m not gay or anything. I learnt lacucaracha. Although when I learnt it it was spelt correctly. 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Spendaholics 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 Bang! Bang! Bang? 23.55 Wedding Stories 24.55 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.50 Spendaholics 02.50 Bang! Bang! 03.50 Close Ooo, look at all this glorious space. It would be a shame to waste it wouldn’t it? Hey there, I’m new. My name’s gareth. Or from now on “TV Gareth”. Yuhu. I think this is where I’m supposed to write about music. So. Things that I have been listening to recently that you haven’t because you wear scarves or go to metros instead: Life Without Buildings, Prolapse, The Mountain Goats, Mirah, The Microphones, Caribou, Xiu Xiu. but please don’t go listen to them, you wouldn’t like it. I know your level.

6.00 GMTV2.9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children The Mystery of Skull Island 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA. You Must Be Kidding? No seriously, your band really IS shit. Big time. 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.45 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children. I Who Have Nothing 7.30 Married with Children. The Mystery of Skull Island 8.00 Holiday Airport: Sydney 9.00 The Biggest Women in Britain



women at TV desk at least. 10.00 Bad Girls 11.30 Footballers' Wives TV. 0.00 Footballers' Wives TV 0.30 The Contender 1.25 The Contender 2.10 Married with Children 2.35 Married with Children 3.00 Teleshopping I don’t know what this means. 5.00 ITV2 Nightscreen

19.00 Dickens in America. 19.30 In the Footsteps of Churchill I went to Blenheim Palace once. It was shit. If I recall we wrote swear words in the guest book. because we were renegades. 20.00 The World 20.30 Tales from Europe: Latvia 21.00 India's Monsoon Railway 22.00 Round the Horne... Revisited 23.00 Arrested Development 23.20 Arrested Development 23.45 Tales from Europe: Latvia 24.15 India's Monsoon Railway 01.10 Round the Horne... Revisited Or if you watched it earlier (and seriously, who didn’t?) “Round the Horne...Revisited...Revisited”. 02.10 In the Footsteps of Churchill 03.40 Dickens in America 04.10 Close I mean, who cares? And to the girl who put a “Vote Conservative” poster up in her window to combat my “Vote Labour” one. “HA! HA!!!HAAA!HAA!HA!!!11one!!1!”. Also, where the fuck is the Cardiff underground? No it isn’t the Barfly you cock. Where is it? Huh? Huh? Meh.

2:00pm The O.C.: The Rivals Sometimes people say I’m like Seth. Except uglier, and with better taste in music and not a spoilt little rich kid and generally less of a cunt. Or probably more so in fact. 3:00pm The Next Joe Millionaire 4:00pm Switched 4:30pm Hollyoaks 5:00pm Friends 5:30pm Friends 6:00pm Without A Trace: Prodigy 7:00pm Hollyoaks 7:30pm Switched 8:00pm Friends: The One Where Rachel Quits 8:30pm Friends 9:00pm ER: Call Me Ruby 10:00pm Fool Around… With Kenzie I will. I’ll fool around with his face with a rake. He’s only about twelve anyway you perverts. 11:00pm Sex And The City 11:35pm Sex And The City 12:15am Sex And The City 12:45am Sex And The City 1:20am 4 Go Dating: Virgins E4 take 10 virgins and force them to have sex. No lies. Well maybe a small lie. 1:45am Sex And The City 2:20am Sex And The City 2:50am Sex And The City 3:15am Sex And The City That has been a lot of sex and the city. Those old slappers must be raw. 3:45am Close

029 20229977








06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss No, this isn’t the program with the purple cat thing. This is a new progam starring, literally, a big bag of puss. A bag. Of puss. 06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-5 More dead than alive 07.30 Ebb and Flo 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy Fat fuck 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots 08.25 Franklin 08.50 MechaNick 09.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm 15.45 Film: "Escape under Pressure" 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news I like that this godforsaken channel spells ‘five’ without a capital letter. Because we all know that capital letters are for fascists. 19.15 World War I in Colour I would imagine it would be mostly grey and brown and green, ‘cause of all the shells and mud and grass and stuff. and some red. Because of people getting their faces shot off. I think I’ll watch the black and white version. 20.00 Brand New You 21.00 Families Behaving Badly Incest? 22.00 When Good Marriages Go Bad 22.30 The Farm. 23.20 Victoria Beckham's Secrets If she reveals about my affair with David i’ll not be happy. 24.25 John Barnes' Football Night 01.05 Portuguese Football 02.35 Dutch Football 04.05 Argentinian Football


6:00am Insektors 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am B4 7:30am Friends 8:00am Everybody Loves Raymond 8:25am The King Of Queens 8:55am Will & Grace 9:20am Water Stories 9:30am Teens On Trial 10:00am Deadsville 10:25am National Gallery 10:30am Film Focus 10:55am Quit 11:00am Rude Brittania 11:55am Rewriting History 12:00pm News At Noon 12:30pm Grudge Match Me versus the world 12:45pm Cheers. You’re welcome 1:15pm Channel 4 Racing from York 3:15pm Countdown 4:00pm Room For Improvement 5:00pm Richard & Judy Twenty quid says Judy’s off her face on vodka. Shaky hands. Shaky, shaky hands. 6:00pm The Simpsons 6:30pm Hollyoaks 7:00pm Channel 4 News 7:55pm 3 Minute Wonder: The End Of My War No masturbation jokes here kids, move along. 8:00pm Selling Houses When Channel 4 send us these listings they tell us the producer and director and production company of every program. If you would like in on these details, just let me know, and I’ll tell you to piss off. 8:30pm The City Gardener 9:00pm Princes In The Tower 11:05pm FAQ U FAQ U too. 11:40pm Comedy Lab: Glenn Wool 12:10am Cinema Iran: 20 Fingers 1:35am Cinema Iran: The Cicle 3:20am Cinema Iran: The Don There is no need for this. why would they put this on when they could just show more epsiodes of south park? Why I ask you, Why? “CRIPPLE FIIIIIIIIGHT” 5:05am Countdown 5:50am Close But no cigar









6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Perseverance 2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's On Strike 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Tractor Tom 3.45 Bernard. Mummy's Here! Were the last words Bernard heard before his mum burst through his bedroom door proving his “danger wank” disasterous. 3.55 Jungle Run This is ace. but they never get that last golden monkey statue do they? “No they don’t TV Gareth”. Right, good.4.25 The Fugitives There is no need for this when they could show an episode of My Parents Are Aliens instead 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather I hope there’s some news on that woman with the babies and the suitcase. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Stories from the Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Footballers' Wives This’ll probably have breasts in it. They show this in talybont social on the big screen nowadays. I have never seen breasts projected in such a big size in my entire life. 10.00 Mugging for Kicks: A Tonight Special 10.30 ITV News 11.00 How the War Changed Wales 11.30 Soccer Night Or rather, “soccer hour”. 0.30 Providence 1.10 Redcoats 1.35 Love Match 2.05 The Paul O'Grady Show 2.55 cd:uk. 3.45 Cybernet 4.10 Loose Women 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

Water Stories Channel4 9.20am


Bernard. Mummy’s Here! ITV 3.45pm


6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Jakers: The Adventures of Piggley Winks 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Ocean Star: The Quest 7:55 Newsround Or “politics seminar preparation” as I like to call it. 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV Apostrophe? 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog I dunno if you’ve seen this. I mean, how could I? But seriously, this is one massive dog. 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 The Way Things Work 10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05 Something Special 11:20 Primary Geography It says it’s primary revision, but I reckon it’ll probably suffice as “first year of degree” revision. Loose women has been my primary source of politics exam preperation. 11:30 The Munsters 11:55 What a Carry On! 12:20pm Trade Secrets 12:30 Working Lunch 1:00 Shakespeare: The Animated Tales 1:30 Golf: British Masters 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Ray Mears' Bushcraft Join Mearsy as he takes topiary to the outbacks. 9:00 Dead Ringers Quasimodo. 9:30 The Robinsons Orange, apple and blackcurrant, fruit and barley, peach and lamb, sweetcorn and toast, waffles and grass, tony. 10:00 Kath and Kim 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 The Culture Show 12:25am: FILM: The Substance of Fire 2:00 BBC Learning Zone 4:00 History: Key Stage 4 Curriculum Bites











6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Missing 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Trading Up 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4:30 Smart 5:00 Really Wild Show Absoloutely crazy. With a k. Krazy. 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Will Connor get free in time? It doesn’t specify what Connor needs to get free of. I would guess an octopus. 6:00 BBC News Things are probably gonna be a bit dull after the election. I wouldn’t bother watching this if I was you. We could probably do with a war or something. I mean, like a proper one, not one of those where we send troops. One where I have to chop my toe off to stop myself from being enlisted. One with sirens and bunkers. Our grandparents were so lucky. They got to live through this sort of thing whereas we have to make do with computer games. 6:30 Regional News 7:00 Little Angels. 7:30 EastEnders 8:00 20th Century Roadshow 9:00 Journey of Life 10:00 BBC News Any news on that war? 10:35 Question Time 11:35 FILM: Revelation. War??? 1:30am: Sign Zone: Skint 2:00 Sign Zone:Ray Mears' Bushcraft 3:00 Sign Zone: Battle for the Amazon 3:30 Joins BBC News 24 Please god, tell me there’s a war already?

Something Special BBC2 11.05am


Ray Mears’ Bushcraft BBC2 8pm


06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs “Iver's Buns.” *snarf* 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond: Say Uncle 08:25 King Of Queens: Dreading Vows 08:55 Will And Grace 09:20 Water Stories 09:30 Teens On Trial 10:00 Deadsville 10:25 Naional Gallery 10:30 The English Programme 10:55 Life Stuff: Quit 11:00 Rude Brittania 11:30 Life Stuff: From The Top 11:55 Re-writing History 12:00 News At Noon 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Peppa Pinc 13:15 Channel 4 Racing from York 15:15 Countdown 16:00 Beyblade 16:30 Crafwr 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard And Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 The Simpsons 19:00 Wedi 7 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cwm 20:25 Clwb Garddio 21:00 COFIO 60: Olion Rhyfel 21:15 Dudley 21:45 Relocation, Relocation 22:45 Supernanny 23:50 FAQ U 00:20 FILM: Crush 02:20 Cinema Iran: A Moment Of Innocence 03:55 World Superbikes 2005 04:55 British Supemoto Chmpionships 05:25 Diwedd/Close Thank fuck.



May 9 - May 15 2005

Page 27

19.00Broadway: The American Musical 19.55 Broadway: The American Musical 20.55 Nation on Film: VE Day Special 21.25 Mahalia Jackson in Concert 21.55 Film: "The Saddest Music in the World" Godspeed You Black Emperor! - The Dead Flag Blues, Jeff Buckley Hallelujah, The Decemberists Red Right Ankle, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds - The Ship Song, The Magnetic Fields - No One Will Ever Love You, Spiritualized Broken Heart, Something Corporate - Konstantine, The Weakerthans - Left and Leaving, Antony and the Johnsons - Bird Girl, Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees, Mogwai - Cody, Low Sunflowers, and the saddest song of all time - The End of Our Lives by Andrew WK. Pass the hankies. 23.30 Eric Clapton: The Rock 'n' Roll Years 24.00 Eric Clapton: Searching for Robert Johnson 01.05 Broadway: The American Musical 02.10 Broadway: The American Musical

The Dam Busters C4 7pm

6:00am Insektors 6:10am The Hoobs 6:35am The Hoobs 7:00am Transworld Sport Bog sniffing from Londonderry and chicken racing from Dusseldorf 8:00am The Morning Line 8:55amT4: Futurama 9:25am T4: Futurama 9:55am T4: hit40uk 10:25amT4: Playing it Straight 11:30am T4: Fiends 12:30pm T4: PureT4 1:00pm T4: Point Pleasant 2:00pm Channel 4 Racing 3:55pm Relocation, Relocation 5:00pm Property Ladder: Winchmore Hill Revisit 6:00pm Morgan and Platell Formally titled ‘Dick and Dominatrix’ 6:35pm Channel 4 News 7:00pm The Dam Busters 9:20pm The 100 Greatest War Films A HUNDREd greatest war films? I can’t even think of one! Surely everyone knows that war films are exclusively for Oscar-concious directors and “Uhh like I really wanted to tackle a serious role and get deep under the skin of what it was like to be a 15 year old streak of trenchpiss” luvvies? 12:30am Patton 3:25am 4MUSIC: Napster Live: Bloc Party The flavour of the month rock the floundering website. Bollocks to this. 3:40am 4MUSIC: Popworld 4:25am4MUSIC: hit40uk 4:50amThe Jamie Kennedy Experiment 5:10am Home Road Movies The animated real-life story of a shy and awkward father who desperately wanted the family car to make him a better parent Sounds fun to me. 5:20am Countdown 6:05am Close Manners is convinced I look like Robert Smith from The Cure. No bad thing, I guess.

2:00pm Switched 2:25pm T4 Specails 2:50pm Hollyoaks Omnbus 5:00pm Fiends 5:30pm Fiends 6:00pm Smallville: Superman The Early Years 7:00pm Smallville: Superman the Foetus Years 8:00pm Fiends 8:30pm Fiends 9:00pm Kylie: The Showgirl Tour 11:10pm Playing It Straight “Spot the gayboy” only on TV and apparently PC. 12:15am Porn: A Family Business 12:50am Smallville: Superman The Years where Clarks “Mom” Was Having a Bit of Bonus Material With The Landlord of The Local Scum Bar after Clark was Sent to Kryton’s Boarding School For Fucking Ugly Drones 1:45am hit40uk 2:10am Porn: a Family Business 2:45am Line of Fire Brian Harvey tries to snort some flaming hot monster munch powder after being egged on by “the boys” 3:45am

06.00 Sunrise 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.20 Milkshake! 07.25 Ebb and Flo 07.30 Funky Valley 07.40 Make Way for Noddy 07.55 Rolie Polie Olie 08.25 Franklin 09.00 George Shrinks Just one letter away from being called “Gorge Shrinks”, an insight into a psychiatrist page 3 shoot. I’d lay down on the couch anyday etc etc etc 09.30 Beyblade 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 10.55 Beast Wars Jodie Marsh vs Anthea Turner 11.25 Home and Away Omnibus 13.35 Film: The Elevator 14.50 Film: Nadine Nadine Coyle from Girls Aloud (you know, the long legged Irish bint) meets Nadine Hurley (the oneeyed sucidial lunatic who’s obsessed with drap runners) from Twin Peaks. Great stuff. 16.20 Film: D.A.R.Y.L. 18.10 Charmed 18.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.45 The Farm: Updated and Unseen 21.05 five news 21.25 CSI:NY 22.25 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 23.20 Film: Donato and Daughter I think there’s a program missing here that I accidentally deleted, possibly CSI Miami I’m not sure. Like you’re going to watch it anyway. 02.00 Film: Rebel The Pete Doherty story. Oh sorry, I thought this was called The Cunt 03.35 Russell Grant's Postcards 03.45 Sunset Beach 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters

029 20229977



06.00 GMTV2 09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.10 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.30 Nanny 911 Spike and Jimmy are playing up on their night in listening to old copies of “Bodyshaking” and trying to recreate the Backstreet Boys ripoff dance moves long after bedtime. Nanny resorts to chocolate cookies and warm milk to calm them down. Lee, the shy one, is all tucked in by six o clock! 15.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 16.30 Holiday Showdown 17.30 The Real Billy Elliot Diaries 18.00 House of Horrors 18.30 House of Horrors 19.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 19.30 Journeys from Hell 20.30 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 21.30 Film: "The Last Supper" 23.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 24.15 Footballers' Wives TV 24.45 Footballers' Wives TV 01.15 Emmerdale Omnibus 03.40 Teleshopping 05.40 ITV2 Nightscreen

6.00 GMTV. 6.00-9.25 Toonattik 9.25 MOM 11.30 cd:uk 12.30 ITV News; Weather. 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 Spain GP2. 1.10 FILM: Kid Galahad Starring Elvis Presley, so complete crap by default. Who the hell told him he could act? 3.00 Midsomer Murders. 5.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 5.15 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather. 5.30 Hit Me Baby One More Time. This week's hopefuls are 911, Brother Beyond's Nathan Moore, Princess, Kenny Thomas, and Ultra Nate. Hahaha - 911. What a treat. And Ultra Nate too, who I’ve actually seen “perform” live. She waited until the end of her set to play “Free” as well, thus boring the pants off the entire audience. I think I even saw 911 that day as well you know. 6.30 Celebrity Wrestling 7.45 Celebrity Stitch Up 8.15 Hit Me Baby One More Time Results 8.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.30 Big Fight Live: Khan v Kindelan Amateur morons throwing hissyfits in the ring vs... 11.00 FILM: The Hurricane. Denzil Washington, the man I’d least like to offend in the entire world punching ten shades of shit out of everyone 1.35 The Magnificent Seven. Inmate 78 2.20 cd:uk. 3.10 The Pitts Brad Pitt is rhyming slang for shit. “I really need to take a Brad, Akon’s new single is utter Brad etc” 3.35 Entertainment Now! 4.00 Meat Loaf in Profile. (Widescreen) Another listing that writes itself. 4.25 Cybernet.



19.00 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential Documentary presented by Simon Pegg, who should know better. 20.15 Farscape 21.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.55 Strictly Dance Fever on Three 22.15 Film: "Rocky II" Sly Stallone gets his ass pummelled by a hobo for the second time. 24.10 Doctor Who 24.55 Doctor Who Confidential 01.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps: Fags, Shags and Kebabs The TV Desk story, only without the shags. And the kebabs. And only two of us smokes. And TV Gareth doesn’t drink. And nobody really eats crisps here as we prefer chocolate as part of our nutritious diet. And none of us want to be in any way associated with Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of crisps. 01.55 Grass 02.25 Ideal A black coffee, some prog rock and a disapproving lady friend. 02.55 The House of Tiny

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:00 Weekend 24 10:00 Saturday Kitchen 11:30 Ever Wondered about Food 12:00pm: See Hear. 12:50 FILM: The Magnificent Ambersons. 2:15 FILM: Fort Apache. 4:20 Golf: British Masters 5:20 Rugby Union: The Celtic Cup Final. 7:35 The Nazis: A Warning from History. The Wrong War The wrong war? This is one those daft titles BBC2 always give their documentaries which mean absolutely nothing. This is obviously about World War Two. No “Wrong War” about it, matey. 8:25 Soul Deep: The Story of Black Popular Music. 9:25 Conviction 10:25 Have I Got News for You. 10:55 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With Martin Fry from ABC, one of the greatest lyricists of all time. 11:25 Rugby Special. 12:55am: FILM: The Leopard Man 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: The True Geometry of Nature. 2:30 Open Advice - Study to Succeed. 3:00 Volcanoes and the Atmosphere 3:30 The Art of Breathing. 4:00 The Challenge. 4:30 The Next Big Thing. Is There Anyone Out There? Yes, they’re called Okkervil River. 5:00 Truth Will Out 5:15 Hollywood Science. Die Hard The blurb for this actually says “Can a man realistically jump out of a window using a fire hose as a bungee rope? A team of experts investigate. “Hey guys, let’s put that whole ‘cure for cancer’ thing on hold for a while, we’ve got to test whether Bruce Willis was too fat to do the fire hose stunt properly”

The Leopard Man BBC2 12.55am

Your Union

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 Tom and Jerry Kids 7:30 Dennis the Menace 7:55 Watch My Chops 8:15 The Mummy. 8:35 The Fairly Odd Parents. 9:00 The Saturday Show 10:30 Dance Factory 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather 12:10 Football Focus 1:00 Grandstand 1:05 Golf: British Masters Golf is a strangely relaxing sport to watch, but a complete pain the ass to play. I once did a round of pitch and putt golf in Basingstoke, and got a score of something ludicrous and triplefigured over par. I remember swinging the club at this kids bag and ripped a hole right through a can of pepsi and it sprayed open all over the inside of his bag over his packed lunch. Kids can be so cruel. And hilarious. 4:20 Weakest Link. 5:10 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 5:30 Just for Laughs What weighs ten pounds and won’t be plucked this Christmas? Pete Doherty’s guitar. Thank you Loaded magazine. 6:00 Strictly Dance Fever. 7:00 Doctor Who. 7:45 The National Lottery: Come and Have a Go. ...If you think you’re cuntish enough 8:35 Casualty 9:25 Strictly Dance Fever. 9:55 BBC News; Weather. 10:15 FILM: Random Hearts 12:25am: A Question of Sport 12:55 Top of the Pops 1:25 Joins BBC News 24 It’s been a tough old week, muggy weather, The Prince of Wales in town, and rent week. I need a hug.

Nanny 911 ITV 2.30pm


Just For Laughs BBC1 5.30pm


13:05 Star Trek Enterprise 14:00 Channel 4 Racing 15:55 The Airships Now then I don’t know whether this is just because I had a slightly morbid obsession with drawing pictures of the Hindenberg disaster whenever I played ‘doodle’ whilst killing time at school or what, but I have a odd fascination with the invention to rival all stupid inventions, the airship. “Tell you what guys, lets fill a gigantic balloon with flammable gas, and take people on fun trips around the sky with it. I mean, it’s only got to touch an inanimate object, like the mast it’s tied to and it’ll go up in flames, buy say, what a lark!” 17:00 Newyddion 17:10 Y Clwb Rugby 19:30 Risg 20:00 Newyddion A Chwareon 20:15 Tipyn O Stad 20:45 Cofio 60: Olion Rhyfel 21:45 Cofio 60: O Flaen Dy Lygaid: Y Byd Yn Fflam 22:45 The 100 Greatest War Films 02:00 British Superbikes 03:00 Speedway Grand Prix 2005 03:55 KOTV



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May 9 - May 15 2005



19.00 Doctor Who 19.45 Doctor Who Confidential 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Generation Jedi 22.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.00 Swiss Toni 0.30 Monkey Dust You absolutely, positively must watch this superb, dark, very weird comedy show. If you’re PC then fuck off, you shouldn’t even be touching this paper, and you certainly won’t appreciate this slice of genius. If you, on the other hand, are normal, then you will love the first time cottager, the perpetually lying husband and the suicidal dad. Fucking great. 01.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Generation Jedi I was walking through Cardiff the other day when some kids started a discussion by saying ‘who would win out of Luke and Dooko’. Fucking hell they need to get out more. And the new film will be shite as the other two were. 02.55 Bang! Bang!

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Halle Berry... Love Chain 9.45 Justin Timberlake... It's Good to Be 10.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 11.10 Celebrity Wrestling: Bring It On 12.10 American Idol 13.05 American Idol 13.30 Emmerdale Omnibus 16.20 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.45 Celebrity Wrestling 20.00 American Idol 20.50 American Idol 21.20 Film: Threesome (1994) Every male’s fantasy, and soon to be realised in the gair rhydd office. There have been sniffings of sexual conduct taking place in the, now derelict, Xpress offices. If we catch them, we’ll print the pictures in the paper and on the net. Promiscious journalists are the worst kind. 23.10 Coronation Street 23.40 Footballers' Wives TV 0.10 Footballers' Wives TV 0.40 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 01.10 Million Dollar Babes 01.40 Sally Jessy Raphael Is she a turtle? Raphael was the coolest one: red bandana and fork things. 02.20 Teleshopping 04.20 ITV2 Nightscreen

6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 9.25 Planet's Funniest Animals 9.55 Celebrity Wrestling would be much more interesting if it was more like Celebrity Deathmatch so we could actually rid ourselves of Z-list celebs. 11.10 Survival Special Year of the Chimpanzee 12.10 Waterfront 12.45 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.40 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 13.45 FILM: Ever After: A Cinderella Story (1998) 15.55 The Real Billy Elliot Diaries 16.25 World Rally Championship 17.25 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 17.55 Going to Seed As the season changes, Doyle goes on heat with the sole ambition to bed as many women as possible. His erotic dance seems to work wonders and baffles the men around his who think, by rights, he should be a monk. 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 William and Mary 22.00 Town and Country 23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show Paul Abbott 0.05 It's My Life 0.45 Essentials of Faith: a god, a church or place to worship, some old guy to talk patronisingly to you, some holy book of some sort, lots of wine, bread, people back you up in your belief, no brain, abandoning of all reason, no reading of books which deny your faith and a strange glint in your eye. 01.10 The Paul O'Grady Show 02.05 Trisha 3.00 Today with Des and Mel, Des grabbed Mel’s boob. 03.55 Loose Women 04.30 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

19.00 Broadway: The American Musical 20.00 Broadway: The American Musical 21.00 Broadway: The American Musical 22.00 Inside the Orange Revolution 23.00 The Soviet Union's Last Stand and to cut a very long story short, they lost. Badly. 0.00 Broadway: The American Musical 01.00 Broadway: The American Musical Just in case you miss the show at 9pm and 10pm, you can catch it again now at 1am and at 2am. It must be because it’s such a great show? Musn’t it? I mean, it can’t be because BBC4 don’t have any good programmes to show? 01.55 Broadway: The American Musical 02.55 Inside the Orange Revolution 03.55 Close At the moment, the office is enthralled by the election unravelling before our eyes. What is the problem with too many of the fucking idiots in this country voting BNP. In my immigration laws, racist cunts would be shipped off to the Pacific Ocean and have their boat sunk. Then I’d film it and create a new reality TV show. I’d watch it.

Film: 20 Fingers S4C 3.05am

6:05 Making It 6:10 Teh Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 Thunder Racing At The Rock I’ve found out this has nothing to do with Thunder in Paradise or Hullk Hogan. Shame. 7:55 World Superbikes 8:25 Vee TV 8:55 T4: Urban Music Festival: The Young Disciples 9:25 T4: Popworld 10:20 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus Everytime I turn on C4 on a Sunday, this bloody show seems to always be on churning out more and more non-ugly people. I’d quite like to live in Hollyoaks merely for Becca. Mmm.... 13:00 T4: Friends 13:35 T4: The O.C. Or T’oc as some northerners call it. 14:40 T4: The O.C. 15:40 T4: Star Trek Enterprise 16:35 T4: Star Trek Enterprise 17:30 The Airships 18:30 Time Team Special Tony Robinson has gone down in my estimations after he was spouting some shit about how great Mr Blair has been as PM. Keep on digging Baldrick. 19:30 Channel 4 News 20:00 Pioneer House 21:00 The 100 Greatest War Films American Beauty, Shawshank Redemption, Care Bears: The Movie, Action Force: The Movie, Donnie Darko, Reservoir Dogs and Mississippi Burning. Oh wait... 0:15 The Deer Hunter (1978) One of the earliest episodes of South Park revisited with screams of ‘THEY’RE COMING RIGHT FOR US’ to be heard everywhere. 03:30 French Football: Le Championnat 05:20 Countdown 06:05 Close And so ends another Sunday of entertainment and drivel from those at C4.

14:00 Average Joe 15:00 The Next Joe Millionaire 16:00 The Next Joe Milloinaire 17:00 Friends 17:30 Friends 18:00 The O.C. 19:00 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 20:00 Scrubs Oh, oh, oh new series of Scrubs. I watched it last week and it is great. New plotlines to be revealed next week. 20:30 Scrubs 21:00 ER 22:00 Desperate Housewives 23:00 Scrubs 23:30 Scrubs 23:55 The O.C. 12:50 Playing It Straight 01:50 Smallville: Superman The Early Years 02:35 ER 03:20 Switched 04:00 Close Today has gone so slowly in the office. Editor Gary had to go to hospital because he was beaten with a shelf by his manic housemate. We’ve vowed to fight back for the good of the paper and are planning the sweetest form of revenge...have the news monkey try and pull said housemate to within an inch of their sanity. It’s the Roland Rat laugh that really gets me going. That’s another show to bring back, Roland and his rat pack. I love the 80’s so, so much. Goodbye.

6.00 Softies 6.05 Bear in the Big Blue House 6.30 The SaveUms! 6.40 Bagpuss 6.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 7.20 Milkshake! 7.25 Ebb and Flo 7.30 Funky Valley 7.35 Make Way for Noddy 7.50 Rolie Polie Olie 8.25 Franklin 8.50 George Shrinks 9.25 The Secret of Eel Island 9.40 Aliens among Us 9.55 Don't Blame the Koalas 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge This week, she takes part in the new gameshow, 99 Ways To Lose Your Virginity. Michaela is tied between number 54 (tag sex during the ‘best feature’ section of the Media Awards) and number 97 (using a sex toy to rip apart both holes). Viewers get to phone in to help her decide. More people will phone into this than voted in the election. Dirty little whore. 10.55 Snobs 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 Rooted 12.35 Andalusia: The Legacy of the Moors 13.05 five news update 13.20 Film: It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963) 16.10 Film: Driving Miss Daisy (1989) 18.00 five news 18.25 Film: 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998) Hulk Hogan is in this film! Surely that’s more than enough to warrant watching this awesome Karate Kid rip-off. 20.00 Joey 20.30 Two and a Half Men Doyle finally fulfils his ultimate taboo fantasy. 21.00 There's Something About Geri Yeah, she’s fat, ginger, annoying, can’t sing and abuses dogs. 22.30 The Farm 23.20 World's Wildest Police Videos 0.15 ITU Triathlon World Cup 01.05 US Major League Baseball 04.30 Portuguese Football has lots and lots of fuego and ola.


6:00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6:20 Tikkabilla 6:50 Boo! 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? 7:30 Smile 10:00 Sunday Past Times 11:30 Bill's Food Bill Murray redcalls his favourite food from some of his most famous films. Groundhog Day: pork, Ghostbusters: jelly, Lost In Translation: weird Sushi stuff.11:55 The Nation's Favourite Food 12:25 Sunday Grandstand 12:35 French Motorcycle Grand Prix 14:00 Golf: British Masters 17:40 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 18:10 Natural World 19:00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 20:00 Hawking This wasn’t too bad when it was on last year. Sadly enough, I actually have A Brief History of Time on my bookshelf. Clearly, never going to read it but at least I can pretend to be intellectual. 21:30 Dead Ringers 22:00 Storyville: The Fog of War Thankfully nothing to do with Dogville. 23:45 FILM: The Boston Strangler (1968) Not unlike the stalker in Neighbours at the moment although probably slightly harsher. 02:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: Adult Learners Week: Skills 03:00 Adult Learners Week: Books 04:00 Adult Learners Week: Diversity 5:00 Adult Learners Week: Beliefs This show claims to be ‘adult education’ so clearly this is about taboo sex between members of the Catholic church. The only way to avoid becoming pregnant if you’re not allowed to use a condom? Take them up the chuff. Seedy religion if you ask me. My official title is, TV Manners: Pope Basher.

Time Team Special C4 6.30pm






Your Union






6:00 Breakfast 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 In the Power of the Spirit 11:30 Countryfile 12:00 The Politics Show 13:00 Bargain Hunt 13:30 The Father Dowling Mysteries 14:15 EastEnders 16:10 Holiday 10 Best 16:50 Final Score Why is this on a Sunday? They should really show cartoons like they used to. ‘Bring back Tom And Jerry’ will be my next campaign 17:25 Points of View 17:40 Songs of Praise 18:20 Last of the Summer Wine 18:50 Antiques Roadshow 19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 FILM: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989) This is definately the best of the trilogy. The moral ending with the smallest and most humble cup being that of the big JC stirred my soul. Sean Connery’s sterling performance and the action packed scene mean this is unmissable. And no, none of the above shows any hint of sarcasm. Why don’t you believe me? Heathen. 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 Match of the Day 23:45 FILM: When Saturday Comes (1995) I’ll be off to the Media Awards and, for the first time, sitting on the gair rhydd table instead of the Xpress one. I guess that means I’ll be doing th heckling then. Argh! I’m a tosser! 1:25am: Joins BBC News 24 Nah, I’m not really, I’m only joking. If you go along to the Media Awards or the aftershow party, don’t lynch me, come and say a big hello and give me a hug. It’ll make me feel better.

Monkey Dust BBC3 0.30am


DELIVERED! 029 20229977

Going To Seed ITV1 5.55pm



6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs 7:00 French Football: Le Championnat 7:30 Thunder Racing At The Rock 7:55 World Superbikes 2005 8:25 Vee TV 8:55 hit40uk 9:25 Hollyoaks 9:55 Hollyoaks 10:25 Hollyoaks 11:00 Hollyoaks 11:30 Hollyoaks 12:00 Manifesto 12:30 Yr Wythnos 13:00 Rownd A Rownd 13:30 Rownd A Rownd 14:00 Star Trek: Enterprise 14:45 Star Trek Enterprise 15:30 Dudley 16:00 Cwpwrdd Dillad 16:30 04Wal 17:00 Hip Neu Sgip? 17:30 Newyddion 17:35 Pobol Y Cwm Omnibws 19:30 Rhwng Duw A Dyn 20:00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau 20:30 Cofia 60: Rhyfel Y Cymry 21:00 Newyddion 21:10 Cyngerdd Yr Eisteddfod Gyda Julian Lloyd Webber 23:00 Tipyn O Stad 23:30 The 100 Greatest War Films 02:40 Morgan & Platell 03:05 Cinema Iran: 20 Fingers (2004) Ridler’s girlfriend discovers the delights of out of bounds fun at the Media Awards. Feisty. 04:30 Diwedd/Close Ok so that was below the belt. Harsh but fair.

Gair Rhydd Problem Page

May 9 2005

The Lloyd Grossman Photo Casebook EP.5 WEEK 4

Dr. Matthew - The Law Of Diminishing Marginal Returns

“I Feel Like A Pudding” Dr. Matthew!

You’ve been getting lots of strange problems recently, so here’s a normal one.

Having decided that the skeleton might be that of Phil’s, Jon and Lloyd promptly vomited everywhere. It wasn’t even remotely funny.

There’s this girl who I’ve seen in the library. In fact, I see her all the time. Regularly, actually. I really fancy her, but I can’t pluck up the courage to go and talk to her. It makes me feel like a pudding. Can you give me any advice as to how I might engineer an encounter with her, so I can feel like more of a man? If I don’t talk to her before the end of the year I’ll kick myself. A lonely 3rd year PS His housemates wrote this on his behalf so please make him anonymous! Oh dear. Well, it might be time for a list. Not done one of those for a while. The prospect fills me with chronic glee. Providing you read these rules, and have a condom (or a syringe) which you can abuse and neglect wholeheartedly to render her

After vomiting for twenty nine minutes, Jon and Lloyd ran away - mainly in the hope of finding that helicopter again.

Page 29

completely pregnant, you’ll do alright: 1) Throw a pencil at her head, and apologise. 2) Throw a pencil at her head, pick it up again, throw it at her head again, pick it up, stab it in her cheek, apologise and then dislodge the pencil from her face, before sticking it in your own nostril. 3) Try a courageously dissimilar tactic involving the phrase "hello." 4) Assemble dozens and two extra pencils on the floor, run at them and place a swiftly moving left foot upon their hexagonal wood composite bodies, shout "for Palestine" and badly damage her with a flailing arm; you do have exactly two of them. 5) Flick snot in her direction, particularly if the snot’s got a bit of blood in it because you stuck that pencil in your nose. 6) Swear violently at her general lack of facial hair. 7) Apologise, but make a scene of it – this can involve a Mr Bump action figure and/or ricin. 8) Execute a rare manoeuvre that no-one will see.

9) Inquire as to her willingness to put epoxy resin between her lips and pretend to blow you a kiss. 10) Drive to her parents’ house, mutilate her pets, put them in a hoover bag, wrap it in cling film and present it to her with a note saying "I’ll do your mother next, that colossal pig." Then empty her pets onto her work and stroke them. 11) Set fire to her. Articulating mild peril. People ablaze = very funny though. 12) Ask if you can touch her suggestively, do it anyway, and claim you’re deaf. Or dying. 13) Pull bits of your skin off and then run at her, flapping them. You might like to add that you’re a leper and that you’re going to leperise her, and then say, well, only joking love. And lastly - (but by no means leastly), 14) Weld her to a chair, and tell her that she’ll fucking notice you now, and throw her through a window. Matthew.

Nightline : 029 2022 3993: Hedge Oddity Causes Carpet Portal To Doctor,

I have reason to believe there is a worm-hole in my hedge.

Over the ravines they flew, over mountain passes, over trees and dead dinosaur carcasses. And then they saw it.

Phil had pitched a tent in a forest. Jon and Lloyd were rather happy with that, but were still confused by the reality of being in the Cretaceous era.

Continues Next Week

Witness: a few weeks ago - ‘twas a good week, oh yes - I found a lamp shade in my shrubbery. I was not perturbed! One inhabits in a student populated area; one can expect a few oddities here and there. I took the lamp shade and placed it upon my lamp. A fine treasure to behold. A week passed: another treasure appeared in my bush. A pair of glasses! Joy betide. I put them on my lamp. I was not prey to fits of exasperation! I turned the lamp off. Last week: a snorkel arrived. It was nice! I placed the snorkel atop the glasses and lamp. Two days ago: I had occasion to turn on my lamp. FUCK! The light, magnified by the spectacles coursed through the snorkel, and created a portal in the floor! What should I do, Doctor? Someone is calling me from beyond, sending me the materials to make a portal opener wheresoever I can plug in my lamp. But

calling me for what? I seek your counsel, Doctor. Extraterrestrial lives might be at stake! Jhasghiff Nalsertyhorb, 3rd yr. Spanish From what I gather they aren’t the most personable of objects, these portal things. They do have certain qualities, but those qualities are usually hidden in a bag which is hidden in a bin bag, which is hidden in a wheelie bin. Thirteen thousand and a half kilometres and a centimetre away. They go out; they party. They fall through strangely shaped portals into peoples’ hedges. But that’s just a rumour I’ve heard, and we all know about them, don’t we? Essentially you’ve been a bit stupid, because not only is it now likely that you’ve assembled the first alien weapon ever assembled on earth, but they’ve also begun negotiations to command earth through the lampshade gun that you’ve now fired. I think it’s safe to say that you’re responsible for quite a lot, Jhasghiff. The items that the bush has

yielded are the kind of items that are wholly innocent when seen as innocent, but as you’ve found out, when combined they work to create a cross-dimensional vortex portal that hasn’t got a door handle, or even a letterbox. If it did have a letter box we - as an entire human race - could all write a letter. I’d imagine it’d say something like: “Dear Interspitial Race with the amusingly placed worm hole, Apart from causing untold problems for the children we first assumed were dropping litter in people’s bushes, you’re also quite comprehensibly scary and we, as the people of earth, wouldn’t mind if you stated your intentions or at least showed us what your willies look like so if you DO want to invade and take over then at least our women and children have a purpose. Of course, our males will try and batter you, but forgive them that; you are being a bit naughty. Yours, The Earth. (x)” So there you go. Ruined everything haven’t you, you nosey bastard. Matt.

Problems. You’ve got one. I can tell. I can smell it. I suppose there’s not much left to be problematic, I’d imagine I’ve covered most aspects of the Problem. But then, I haven’t touched on really serious, sensitive issues like fingernails falling off. Email me if you like.

Once upon a time there was a big round thing.

It was so round that if you could walk to one side of it you certainly couldn’t tell which way you’d walked from. It was also beige. This really confused some people, so the big round thing grew sign posts using its advanced roundy-engine. One of the sign posts said: "I’m really round – don’t forget." The other one said: "I’m beige." The small cubes that counted as people in this particular instance found this hilarious, but in reality they had no cause to smile. Do you know why? To investigate this, we’ll have to acknowledge their story... …Once upon a time there were some little cubes (they were brown) that got bored of fashioning towers out of each other and decided they needed some more excitement, or at least a new shape; even if that new shape was something that wouldn’t really fit with them. Algebra was completely terrifying and so they relied upon a tiny conical fellow to build them a conically constructed cuboid car that would drive them to relative enthusiasm on a distant spherical object that wittily called itself a big round thing. They were lifted into the conically constructed cuboid car by a well-mannered trapezium called Tina that also put them in neat piles. Being cubes, of course, they were very spatially economical. They arrived on the big round thing at about six o’ clock, and immediately started laughing. Then, they stopped. Do you know why? ...

Cubes can’t make towers without a flat surface to begin with. The End.

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery New terrorist threat? 0800-PARAPLEGICS! Je n’aime pas ça 0800-PYGMÉE On n’a pas le droit de manger la merde. Je mappelle Mattieu 0800-J’ai une merde Ou-est ta mere? 0800-ICI


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May 9 2005


gair rhydd’s very nearly reliable Cardiff If it’s on it could be in. But maybe Pick e of th k Wee

& Humurak D Gritty

@Solus, SU



@St. David’s Hall

Tues 10 May

Tues 10 May 10pm / £5

7.30pm / from £13.50


Schmit Recommends

f you haven’t heard of Derren (yes that’s Derren not Darren) Brown then you must have been walking around with your eyes closed for the last year. Derren has become a national phenomenon, making David Blain look like a pissed-up tramp one sandwich short of a picnic. Any fans of his programmes will know that Derren Brown is a unique force in the world of illusion, he can seemingly predict and control human behaviour, through a series of unbelievable events. He doesn't claim to be a mindreader, instead he describes his craft as a unique mixture of magic, suggestion, psychology, misdirection and showmanship. Whatever you want to call it, his unparalleled performances amaze


@Chapter Arts Centre

Fri 13th May Sefton Recommends


whopping and entirely massive party awaits the discerning hip hop fan this week as our Union plays host to one of the main contenders for the title of ‘The UK’s Finest Rapper’. SkinnyMan has been a longterm fixture on the UK hip hop scene as a founding member of the Bury Crew and Mud Family rap crews. His troubled life, reminiscent in some respects of Gil Scott-Heron’s past, has seen him serve jail time and has pitted him against some of the harsher realities of inner-city life. However, as with all truly skilled social commentators, his difficult experiences have served to inform his art. And to acclaimed effect. He was this year’s Best Male at the UK Hip-Hop Awards and his album of last year Council Estate of


Mind was hailed as "a triumph" by NME, while Blues and Soul declared: "Council Estate of Mind should be celebrated as being so much more than just good hip-hop... [It is] an album that speaks to, and for, a whole generation of working class British youth." Though neither publication can be considered the pinnacle of music journalism, their views are representative of the critical response to SkinnyMan and his music to date. SkinnyMan’s partner on the tour, Humurak D Gritty, is perhaps the finest MC in Wales. A familiar figure at Cardiff’s Higher Learning nights amongst others., he’s sure to put in a good performance in what will be a home town gig. These two formidable MCs will be appearing with the respected and utterly dependable DJs Flip

and Killer Tomato. The latter of the two will be known to those of you who’ve been enjoying Quality Control in the Taf of a Friday night. Support comes from beat box crew, The Indelible Ties and the night is hosted by Blaktrix. No hip hop fest is complete without some b-boys and girls spinning and flipping and Cardiff break dance crew 'Uprock Addicts' will be doing the honours on Tuesday. If you are left in any doubt as to the worth of the night’s proceedings, take note that the event is presented by the Live Music Society, a veritable cast-iron guarantee of quality if ever there was one. Whilst no particular dress code applies, I suspect apparel which tends toward outrageously baggy will be de riguer. Tickets are available from the Union box office, Spillers, Catapult, and Ticket Line.

9pm / £3

Tom Craine Recommends


eople laughed at me when I said I was going to do stand up comedy... well they’re not laughing now.” When Bob Monkhouse uttered these immortal words, it was all we could do to control our mirth. However, beneath the joviality of this remark lies comment to the unavoidable risk that this area of the performing arts brings. The comedy gauntlet is a fickle path, flanked by giggling chimps on one side, and cruel silver backs on the other. One step wrong and you’ll be ripped limb from limb. Basra with Banter. And so it is that the first few tentative steps taken by comics are often the hardest. Poncho aims to

and unsettle all those who watch him, with a recent victim wanting to punch him after letting Derren do his thing. This is a powerful and provocative form of entertainment, unlikely to be imitated for a long while. Derren traces his interest in psychological techniques to childhood, and claims that like a lot of solitary children he developed an interest in magic, but it was only later at Bristol University, where he studied Law and German, that he started to take it seriously. After graduating, Derren decided to abandon his career in Law and concentrated on developing his skills at psychological magic, paying the bills by combining performances in cafés and bars with a sideline in portraiture. His big break came in 1999 when he was asked by Channel 4 to put a TV show together. ‘Derren Brown – Mind Control’, was shown in December 2000, proving an immediate success. In August 2001 he followed this with another special: ‘Derren Brown – Mind Control 2’, further establishing him as a hit with viewers and critics alike. So if you want to test your mind, and not have a battered, library book in sight, then head over to St. David’s Hall and catch him in the only Welsh date on his tour.

present a showcase of up and coming UK talent in an atmosphere that leans more toward support than cynicism. Held in a cosy bar room, upstairs in Chapter, the culture and setting results in a distinctly communal feel between act and audience, rarely found in larger venues. This is comedy without pretence... the way it was intended. A number of names who have chosen to tread the boards at Poncho have gone on to ply their trade professionally. As with Will Hodgson, exwrestler and communist party member, who claimed the Perrier Award for Best Newcomer in 2004. Comedy takes all mediums! Friday brings, most notably, John Oliver, an Edinburgh Festival regular whose recent TV work includes Ardal Ohanlon’s ‘My Hero’ and the latest series of ‘People Like Us’. Frank Honeybone, Paul Jenning and a youthful Ellis James are amongst the others making a jocular turn. I’ve heard it said that laughter makes the world go round, and at £3 I think it’s about time we all did our bit for global happiness.

t Gues Pick

Martin Carthy, Norma Waterson, and Eliza Carthy - Wed 18 May @St David’s Hall - 8pm / £12 ... Elvis Costello & The Imposters - Sun 22 May @St. David’s Hall - 8pm / £28.50 ... Mark Knopfler - Tue 24 May @CIA ... The Louis Stewart / Gilad Atzmon Quintet - Tue 24 May @St. David’s Hall - 8pm / £10 ... Tom Jones - Sat 28 May @Ynysangharad Park, Pontypridd ... Elton John - Tues 14 June @ CIA ... Suzanne Vega - Wed 29 June @St. David’s Hall / £17.50 ... Kings of Leon - Sat 2 July @CIA ... Amy Winehouse - Sun 3 July @St. David’s Hall / £13.50... REM & The Zutons - Sun 10 July @Millennium Stadium ... Keith Barret Show Live - Sun 17 July @CIA

May 9 2005

Day By Day

Page 31

listings with Muddiman, Sefton and Schmit. not. Uh-huh, yeah, you heard me.


Fun Factory @Solus, SU The usual alternative anthems. 10pm-2am. Free entry with NUS/£3 otherwise. On the Side @Fun Factory Live Music Society cooks up something special in the Xpress Lounge. New Noise @Metros Alternative therapy for the musically depressed. New music. New ideas. New noise. 9pm-2am. £3 before 11pm. And more afterwards, presumably. Milk @Moloko DJ Phoenix and friends play nu jazz, Latin, broken beats, deep house, etc. Occasional chocolate! Check it out. 8pm-2am. Free Coordinated @Amber Lounge House, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies & Mr Potter. 7-11pm. £1 NUS. Open Mic @The Toucan Hosted by Jeff and Rowan. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm. Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform with the house trio. Variable quality of playing and singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm. £2/£1 if you perform. Pick Of The Day Live @ Barfly Million Dead / Days of Worth / Engerica. Million Dead came together in London in mid-2001, taking their name from a line in a song by legendary Swedish punk band Refused. They’ve toured with Cave In, The Icarus Line, Pitchshifter and Alec Empire. £8. 7.30pm. Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Miss Black America / The Priory / Kyshera. Favourites of the late great John Peel, Miss Black America are back on the road once again. Tickets are going like hot cakes so get yours now. 8pm. £5.


Quality Control @Taf, SU Hosted by top-notch DJ, Killer Tomato. Hip hop, funk, breaks, d‘n’b. 9pm-2am. Free. Fat Friday @Solus, SU It’s a revamped Lashtastic. 10pm-2am. £3.50/£3 adv. The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro. 10pm. £3.50. Mad4It! @Barfly Join Mike TV for the Greatest Indie & Alternative Hits Ever from The Stones to the Strokes, The Smiths and The Doors, etc, etc. Yawn. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Chaos @Metros Real rock. Begone cheesy Wednesday saps. £2.50 before 10pm. Full Fat @Moloko Cheeky bootlegs to heavy funk, old skool classics, and jump up party breaks. Free entry before 11pm. Pick Of The Day Silent Running @Clwb Ifor Bach London Elektricity (AKA Tony Colman) smash up the musical side of drum & bass. The band has caused quite a stir and has been in constant demand. New album, Power Ballads will be in stores September, but you can get a taste of what to expect here. 10pm. £8 adv. Maes B @The Toucan The city’s finest Welsh language night feat. Frizbee / Brigyn / Llubo Ap Wilis & Shinmen. Plus DJ Guto Brychan. £5. Live @ Barfly Prisoners Of The Sun / The Samba Lucas Band / The Domino Effect. Incorporating funk, folk, ska, and a dash of melodic pop harmony, Prisoners Of The Sun have three promises: no powerchords, no pretensions, and no plagiarism. 7.30pm. £4 adv. Dave Stapleton Quintet @Riverbank Hotel Superb jazz originals. 9pm. £4/£3 NUS.

Tuesday10/05 Pick Of The Day 1 Skinnyman @Solus, SU See facing page for details. Comedy Club @Seren Las, SU Last time I went I wet my pants. Talking of pants, does anyone want to come to a pants party? Let me know. 8-11pm. £4 NUS. Soul Motion @Moloko Deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Boasts a decent dancefloor surface too, which is a must for all that shaking and baking you’ll be doing. 7pm-2am. Free. Sabotage @Metros Rock, metal, punk, emo. £1 before 11pm. Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Much the same as Metros with but a marginally less sweaty ambience. 9pm. £2.50. Open Mic @The Toucan There’s a mic. It’s open. Live @Barfly Silverstein / The Black Maria / Aiden. Silverstein formed in early 2000 aiming to tear down the boundaries between hardcore, emo and punk. 7pm. £6. Live @St. David’s Hall Derren Brown - Mind Reader. See facing page for details. 7.30pm. £13.50-£18.50. Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach The Magic Numbers / The Absentee. It's already been one hell of a year for The Magic Numbers. Romeo and his band have already released the limited 7" Hymn For Her, as well as collaborating with The Chemical Brothers. 8pm. £7. Harlem Globetrotters @C.I.A I’m guessing it’s a load of impressive ‘B ball’ shenanigans. 6.30pm. £15-£27.50. Pick Of The Day 2 Derren Brown @St. David’s Hall See facing page for details.


Come Play @Solus, SU Party tunes in the main room. Hip hop and breaks in Junction Bar. Jazz, soul, fun, and Latin in the Xpress Lounge. Sweets and stuff. 10pm-2am. £3.50 adv. Fly Swatter @Barfly Ben and Rich have a change of name but not a change of heart. 40 years of classic and current indie. 10.30pm. £3 NUS. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9pm-3am. Free with flyer before 10pm/£4. Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Ends at 2am, drinks promo all night. Free before 10pm. Mind Your Head @Toucan Captain Paranoid & guest MCs. Free B4 10pm/£3.50 after. Live @Clwb Ifor Bach Lucent / Fortune Drive / The Article. Lucent are a Cardiff based four-piece rock band formed in Jan ‘04 made up of ex-members from established unsigned Cardiff bands Fenton, Urban Clearway and Gracie. 7 pm. £4. Pick Of The Day Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Vibration White Finger / Cuban Heels / Attack & Defend / Laser Safari DJs. "Cardiff's finest high-octane rock 'n' roll band." Barfly. Do not miss this! VWF shows always go down a storm, and this will be no different. Hailed as local heroes they are one of Cardiff's best live bands, they’ll definitely get you dancing with their unique musical blend. "Potentially massive!" SoundNation. 8pm. £5. St David's Praise 2005 @St. David’s Hall A Christian celebration with Cambrensis Choir and Orchestra and the St David’s Praise Choir of over 300 singers, featuring classical, traditional and contemporary music. 7.30pm. £7.20 NUS.


Rubber Duck @Solus, SU Did anyone go last week? Did you see me? If the answer is ‘yes’ to both, then can you tell me what happened? A huge section of my memory / dignity was lost there. (I think.) Send emails entitled ‘Schmit’s off his tits’. 10pm. £3. Wednesday Social @The Barfly Relax, soak up the atmosphere or play an impromptu set. Bring a banjo. 12noon-2.30pm. Bang! @Barfly Popscene has outgrown Clwb’s three floors. This is the overspill. 10.30pm-2am. £3 NUS. Cheapskates @Metros Alternative & cheese. 9pm-2am. All 3 Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco. Popscene: indie. Milky Bar: electric chill out and Playstations! 9.30pm. £2.50 NUS. Wednesdays @Moloko Spud, Optimas Prime, Kovas, Focus, Haze, Paul B. Sweets. 8pm-3am Bread and Butter @The Toucan Not of the pudding variety. Night of hip hop and new beats. 10pm. £2. Hang the DJ @The Model Inn 8pm. Free. That’s all we got. Traffic @The Philharmonic Union DJ and Clubbing Society’s weekly night. 8pm-1am. Free for members / £1 NUS.


The Newsboys @SU Do they deliver papers? £10. 7pm. Devious @Barfly Track requests + top tunes + cheap drinks = a rocking night out! 10.30pm-2am. £3. Metal @Metros Er... metal. 9pm-2am. Enthusiasm @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip hop/drum ‘n’ bass night. And as of fairly recently open ‘til later than late. 8pm-3am. Free before 11pm. Boomshanka @Toucan Bar Acoustic soul/hippy funk with The Pockets. 8pm-1am. £3/£2. Live @The Barfly Strange Pains / Victorian English Gentlemen's Club / Decibully / Gashcan 5. 7.30pm. £4. Live @Toucan Mohair. The Fly calls them ‘a Cockney Belle & Sebastian swigging whiskey with Ryan Adams.' NME adds, 'Put simply, Mohair are one of the hottest newcomers in the UK.’ Contact the venue directly for info, but I’ll go out on a limb and guess it starts about 7.30pm (though the Toucan sometimes adopts wacky start times).

Dave Jones Trio @Riverbank Hotel Ace ivory-tinkler doing the business in a jazz manner with solid support. 9pm. £4 / £3 NUS.

Pick Of The Day Dracula @New Theatre. Blood, make up, black clothes. No, not Metros. It’s Bram Stoker’s Dracula, in a new adaptation by Bryony Lavery. Stars Colin Baker (Dr Who, Little Britain) as Van Helsing and Richard Bremmer as Count Dracula. Terrifying, sensual, and yet deadly, the fearsome figure of Dracula continues to haunt us on film, stage and on the page. As old as sin itself, the story's epic battle between good and evil, darkness and light, is one that has journeyed through the generations to the very heart of our modern-day world. Runs from Tuesday to Saturday, and what’s in the middle of that? Thursday. So here it is. Evenings 7.30pm; Thursday & Saturday matinees 2.30pm. Tickets start at £5.



Pick Of The Day Live @Barfly The Cherubs / The Automatic / Audioclaim. After tours with The Libertines, getting stranded penniless in Scandinavia and signing to Cargo Records, a lot has happened in a short time for London-based Cherubs. Time to catch them flying solo before they're packing out venues five times bigger. 7.30pm. £5.

Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf, SU Questions. MedClub Quiz @MedBar, Heath Site The same. 8pm. Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs bring you house. 8pm12.30am. No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3s and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am. Acoustic Cafe @Toucan Bar Open mic sessions where anyone can get up and jam or just listen. They provide the guitar and mic; you provide the talent. Hosted by Peter & Lee. Not to be confused with Peters and Lee, a duff, 70s, folkish, sighted/unsighted pop duo. 8pm-12.30am. £1 after 9pm. Alison Moyet @ St. David’s Hall Currently celebrating the success of her recent Top Ten gold selling album Voice, 80s icon, Alison Moyet - together with an 8 piece band including a string quartet - will perform songs from Voice and Hometime as well as previously unperformed tracks from her back catalogue. How can you possibly have a back-catalogue of Unperformed tracks? “Plus Special Guests”, we are reliably informed though in my experience un-named ‘special guests’ are either hastily arranged just before the gig or not special enough to be specified. Think 80s hasbeens. 7.30pm. £22.50. Phew. Pick Of The Day Staying In @Your House Not so much ‘day of rest’ as ‘give it a rest’ this Sunday. No doubt we’ve failed to take note of something decent happening in Cardiff but of what we do know is happening, nothing appeals. Why not stay in and have a Connect 4 tounament with your housemates. Or if you’re one of those lamentable individuals without Connect 4, perhaps invest some time into discussing the merits of bacon.

Students’ Union, Park Place 02920 387421 Med Club, Neuadd Meirionydd, Heath Park 02920 744948 Clwb Ifor Bach (The Welsh Club), 11 Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Toucan, 95-97 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Barfly, Kingsway Tickets: 08709070999 Metros, Bakers Row 02920 399939 Dempseys, Castle Street 02920 252024 Moloko, 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Incognito, Park Place 02920 412190 Liquid, St. Mary Street 02920645464 The Philharmonic, 76-77 St. Mary Street 02920 230678 Café Jazz, 21 St. Mary Street 02920 387026 The Riverbank Hotel, Despenser Street St. David’s Hall, The Hayes 02920 878444 Chapter Arts Centre, Market Road, Canton 02920 304400 Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay 0870 0402000 The New Theatre, Park Place 02920 878889 The Sherman Theatre, Senghennydd Road 02920 646900 The Glee Club, Mermaid Quay 0870 2415093 Cardiff International Arena, Mary Ann Street 02920 224488 The Millennium Stadium Can’t miss it.


Page 32

May 9 2005

The gair rhydd letters page It’s 10pm on Thursday night and I have completed my first Letters page! Now I can settle in my chair and watch the election results unfold in front of my eyes. Huw Edwards’ annoying voice is in the background. Out of interest, who did you vote for last week? Text in vote followed by the party you voted for, to the number printed below. This would show who the students of Cardiff want in power if enough people text in. I know you have exams but please write in, your views count as this is your paper. Take it easy. Menon

Fed up by nasty negative campaigning Dear gair rhydd, So, this election, right. It’s my first time voting, I really want to vote but who the hell do I vote for? I thought I’d made up my mind, but then your coverage last week has just made me even more confused. So, Labour, yeah. I don’t like Tony Blair and I certainly didn’t like the Iraq War, but then Jon Owen Jones voted against it, but I don’t know how much difference it’s made. I’m just not quite sure I can vote for them. But then Dan Ridler’s article described him as an angry small man. But then again the Lib Dems just seem like they’ve geared their policies specifically to patronise students – scrap-top up fees and legalise cannabis – yeah, that’s what every student wants isn’t it? Er, no actually. I’ve also been really put off by the downright nasty negative campaigning by Jon Owen Jones and Jenny Willott. Both seem to spend more time sniping at each other than talking about the real issues. Hello, there are actually other people involved in this election you know – the people? They’re the ones who vote you in. Or not as the case may be. I’m not sure I really buy into the idea of Welsh Nationalism, so voting Plaid doesn’t fit comfortably with me and I just couldn’t bring myself to vote Tory, ever. I’ve grown up in Britain but my mum’s from Africa –

does this mean I should be kicked out? Probably, as should Michael Howard under his proposals. As for Respect and UKIP don’t make me laugh, there’s no way I’m voting for the pro-life woman. I was really optimistic and excited at the start of the voting campaign. Now I’m just disillusioned and fed up. By the time you print this I’ll have already voted but I’ll be fucked if I know who for. None of the candidates have engaged with me but I’m not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing I haven’t voted because I consider them to all be useless. Looks like it’s Captain Beany or the Rainbow Dream Bus woman then. Ho hum. Yours, A disaffected second year.

Summer balls-up Once again, the summer ball line up has left much to be desired. We have once again managed to book a heady line-up of musical rejects, stars of yesteryear and yet again Trevor Nelson. Coopers Field will no doubt once again be awash with drunken students in their finest regalia trying in vain to drown out the dirge of yesterday’s hits. I very much doubt anyone has heard anything bar ‘Amarillo’ by Tony Christie and yet again we’ll be reminded of how bad mid 90’s manufactured boy bands were. £35 is extortionate for this kind of

line-up which, to be honest, is the worst I’ve seen since enrolling in Cardiff University. It’s time for the union to realise that they are out of touch with the needs of the student populus. What we need and what they’re supplying is far different. Yours, A Disgruntled third year.

Judge Jules While skimming the latest whinges of last week’s opinion page, a particular article caught my eye. Although lighthearted and not totally as offensive as the last, it annoyed me enough to momentarily sweep aside the essay pile and attempt a bit of a backlash. There in black and white, and confirmed under the beautifully-punned ‘Frock ‘n’ Roll’ title, Jules ThorpeSmith had returned once again to criticise people for the way they dress. Hallelujah – I was feeling an identity crisis coming on. Although your rant is aimed at those who dress like ‘rockers’ when they’re actually not, your hissy-fit incorporates the ‘Ben Sherman clad herd’ - those who didn’t dress like you at school. After cursing them for being unoriginal – and then again for beginning to dress like you – you claim to be part of a herd that ‘is sometimes just as snobby as any other clique’. And this is exactly what bugs me about university. No, scrap that; ignorance that comes from people like you at university. For a place that ideally suggests students can dress and act however they wish – without fear of being categorised into a highschool ‘clique’ – there’s still that lingering pressure of conformity: to like certain music, dress a certain way and have a certain attitude. In short, admire pop music privately and not publicly, never wear a miniskirt and loads of make-up to a lecture, and be

letter of the week Letters Desk is very pleased to be able to give the Letter of the Week writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice at Ster Cinemas. They will be available from the fourth floor of the Union.

Alight from UNITE I am a 1st year Cardiff University health care student currently living in student halls owned and run by a private company, UNITE. I moved here last September to study. The rental charge for students is currently £280 a month, including bills. (In addition UNITE also receive a subsidy from the University for each resident). However, I became aware, after a short time here, that there is a better standard of properties available to rent close by, starting at £200 a month (including bills). UNITE are increasing the rent for their accommodation to £320 monthly next term, which will increase the burden further on students com-

mencing their studies this September. I feel that UNITE take unfair advantage of students that are new to the area, (which would include overseas students) and who are therefore unaware of the cheaper alternatives. Furthermore UNITE bind them strictly into at least one year’s contract, unless the student finds a replacement resident, which I was informed cannot be another Cardiff University student. UNITE, I feel, are aware therefore that the chances of achieving this, especially at their charges, would be unlikely. So there is little chance of students moving once they have found housemates, or have discovered the cheaper alternatives Surely it should be made as easy as possible for all students, including

those on low incomes, to be allowed an education? This is not just a case of individuals’ purses being overly burdened. Bursaries are awarded to some less well-off students paying this rent by local authorities so that they can work hard to obtain a profession that will contribute to the health care service. In these cases I feel that UNITE are also taking unfair sums of money from the tax payers’ purses to line their own pockets. I appreciate that they are a company and therefore need to make a profit, however I also feel that greed is currently rearing its ugly head, and that they are unfairly contributing to student debt. From Anonymous

as arrogant and opinionated as you can possibly get away with. Although I can see how you’d find a Motorhead-dressed, cheese-pop fanatic fairly offensive, you’re extremely set on judging people according to how they dress. Not so long ago, your previous article branded the females in our Media and Gender seminar group as ‘fembots’. Why? Because the combination of not saying an awful lot – whilst dressed attractively – apparently made us airheads who swanned through university on ‘Daddy’s money.’ You miraculously, without any conversation, judged us on the basis of our appearances for being thick. (And while we’re on that, I’ll kindly take my miniskirt, make-up and 80-grade and shove it up your arse – providing I can get through the baggy trousers). Personally, I think it’s brilliant that fashion is emerging from its supposed ‘groups’. What makes you automatically assume, when setting eyes on one of your studded, leatherwearing offenders, that they aren’t rock music fans? Do you specifically go up and ask them? More importantly, does it really matter if they’re not? Maybe once you’ve investigated, you’ll learn to never judge a book. After all, the initial response of our offended seminar group was something along the lines of: ‘That’s the anti-‘Fembot’ guy who judged us in the Gay Ride? No way – he blatantly spends a good hour on his hair every morning.’ Charissa

Leaf Me Alone There is one thing that pisses me off whenever I go to the student unionthe handing out of leaflets! Earlier today I was given about thirty leaflets before getting to the top of the stairs. Firstly, I would like to make the


point that hardly anybody pays any attention to them. Secondly the leaflets themselves are not good for the environment, enough rainforests have been destroyed to make the paper which are used for these useless leaflets. Finally, I end up with full pockets and the union stairs gets covered with papers which somebody has to take the trouble of picking up. I am not writing to offend leaflet distributors - you guys are doing a job which you get paid for. But something has to be done about this farce. Perhaps a different scheme of advertising could be considered. Adverts in the newspaper, on the internet, more posters around the Union - anything is better than leaflets. I don’t totally object to leaflets, but hundreds of people handing them out at one time is ludricous. Surely there is a solution which will save the environment and our pockets. Danger Mouse (First Year Student)

Please email your letters to Please note that, like all gair rhydd and Quench sections, the Letters page has a new email address. If there are any corrections or clarifications we should be aware of, please let us know. We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necessarily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.


£1.50 can feed an african child for a week, but why bother with that when you can have RINGTONES! RINGTONES! RINGTONES! Me and m in trevithivk revising. Hey to miskin please print this Tara There is nothing sly about banana man being a minger What happened to the funny letters?

Boring,boring poo. We have sky news for shit debate I hate boys. i want normal sex but they just want to bum me :ʼ’-( I go out while sum are still wetting their beards My mate vince wonʼ’t take £10,000 to allow someone to curl one out on his chest

“We want to guarantee everyone has a pitch on a Wednesday afternoon.”

Spor t gair rhydd

Issue 786 9 May 2005 | Email: Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

Nick King, AU Development Co-ordinator, May 2005

IMG Fund Injection

Welsh Cup Glory

Inter Mural Games gains a sponsor for next season

Women’s rugby and football teams triumph

Back Page

Page 35


AU AWARDS THE FOLLOWING clubs and sportspeople picked up honours at the AU Awards ball, held in the Great Hall on Saturday April 30: Team of the year Ladies’ football Men’s hockey Lacrosse Ladies’ rugby Snooker AU President’s award for outstanding achievement Lisa Gwinnett - Netball Emma Jones - Football Andrew Le Breuilly - Ultimate Frisbee Trefor Owen Lewis - Canoe Malory Stanford - Snooker John Warburton - Sailing Sportsman of the year Jon Collis - Hockey Charlie Hinder - Swimming and waterpolo Scott Miners - Snooker Andrew Morgan - Lacrosse Chris Powell - Fencing Sportswoman of the year Kate Davey - Lacrosse Samanatha Jones - Wadokai Karate Tasha Nishiyama - Ultimate Frisbee Laura Smith - Swimming and waterpolo

PHOTO: Nick Parnell Fresher of the year Sue Chandler - Lacrosse Katherine Gubb - Rugby Samantha Jones - Wadokai Karate Miriam Ridha - Swimming and waterpolo Cole Stacey - Football Most improved club Athletics and cross country Ladies’ basketball Men’s basketball Ultimate frisbee Club of the year Canoe Ladies’ cricket Lacrosse Snooker Swimming and waterpolo

Bangor smashed Ed Jones watches the men’s hockey firsts win the Welsh Cup final

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY men’s hockey club was again crowned champions of Wales in Swansea last Wednesday in dramatic circ u m stances. A f t e r comfor table victories over Aberystwyth and Swansea, Cardiff had to overcome the best that North Wales had to offer with a f inal against B a n g o r University. With seven f irst-team regulars missing, including captain T o n y Gough, Cardiff needed to f ight and battle against a strong Bangor side if they were to retain their title. The holders got off to a slow start, giving the ball away too often against very physical opposition. But Cardiff still managed to create the better chances, with Will Marshall, Adam Gross and Martin Freshman forcing the opposition goalkeeper to make some acrobatic saves. Conf idence grew and Cardiff began to spread the ball across the park exposing the Bangor defence. Gross found himself in space behind the defence and played through Paul Hayes, who squandered the easiest chance of the match. A string of short corners for Cardiff extended their domination but there was still no breakthrough. But Bangor kept fighting against a team who were technically superior and pushed forward as the first half

continued. Gareth Owen and Jim Denning at the back always looked comfortable but Ian Ferguson in goal was tested in the dying minutes of the half. But a superb stick save low to his right kept Bangor at bay. The second half was much the same. Bangor stifled Cardiff in the midf ield and restricted Cornish a n d

searched for a winner. Joe Cornish found space down the right and supplied crosses into the opposition goal area but the strike pair were unable to take advantage. The final whistle blew with the score at 1-1, taking the game into extra-time. The 20 minutes of extra time saw even more Cardiff possession. Jim Denning was added to the attack, dancing past the midfield with skills that surprised even himself. But Cardiff were still unable to score, and the suspense of penalty flicks followed. Goalkeeper Ian Ferguson made three superb saves, but despite Marshall, Courtney and Ryan Smith scoring their penalties, Cardiff

couldn’t capitalise. The shoot-out went into sudden death and Ferguson made another save low to his right. This left young Martin Freshman to steal the adulation as he tucked away his penalty flick with ease. This shootout proved that Cardiff were not only superior in technical ability but were able to hold their nerve and show character in tight circumstances. Joe Cornish, playing his final game in Cardiff colours, expressed his happiness at the season: "We’ve beaten teams across England and defeated the best team in Scotland in the BUSA Shield final. Now we have retained the Welsh title, proving the strength of hockey at this university.”

Rowers reap river rewards By Jon Sykes Rowing Correspondent

Moore from progressing into the f inal third of the pitch. The Bangor pressure paid off as they pounced on a Cardiff mistake to take a 1-0 lead. Cardiff reacted with great spirit. Newly-elected captain Duncan Courtney began to take control in the centre of midfield. Matt Jenks gave extra width on the left of midfield and Freshman’s driving runs forced fouls inside and outside of the D. More short corners followed but still a goal eluded Cardiff. But the luck soon turned. Will Marshall, winning a turnover in midfield, supplied Courtney who threaded the ball to Paul Hayes in the D who turned the ‘keeper and put the ball into the net to take his season’s goal tally to 40. Cardiff never looked back and

THE RECENT BUSA rowing championship provided the Cardiff University rowing club with levels of success not seen for a number of years. The senior women’s crew, seeded first in the novice category, reached the semi-finals in both eights and fours, just missing out on a place in the final. After an intensive training programme, the novice women also entered the eights category. The crew raced in time trials, beating six other boats, but narrowly missed out on a quarter-final place. The quality of rowing was a vast improvement on previous performances, making their coach tearfully proud. The novice men’s crew got through to the heats after heavy competition in the time trials. This is the first time in three years that a novice men’s crew has got so far.

In the individual event, Doug Court displayed some exceptional sculling, reaching the semifinals of the championship. The senior men, returning from an excellent performance in Scotland, were very successful in their championship and junior fours, where both crews reached the semi-finals. The winning times of the championship events were of international standard, so progressing to the semi-finals in the fours and narrowly missing out in the eights is a highly commendable result and a leap forward for the standard of Cardiff rowing. Competition in such events is always fierce, against crews with larger budgets and better facilities. The weekend was seen as a great success as such positions have not been reached for a number of years. Training, post examinations, is now gearing up for Henley, the most famous rowing event in the calender.

Cricket team set season’s boundaries By James Woodroof Cricket Correspondent CARDIFF’S CRICKETERS have had a turbulent start to this year’s BUSA campaign, with both sides winning one and losing one game. With four pre-season games being cancelled due to rain before the club’s BUSA fixtures, all players were lacking time in the middle, which proved costly. On Friday, the first XI faced UWIC, and after struggling on a lively pitch,

succumbed to an inadequate 137 allout, with the only noticeable contribution coming from last year’s top scorer Simon Cane-Hardy (30). Despite an impressive bowling display from openers Duncan Bell and Warren Stafford, UWIC raced away to a four-wicket victory. At the weekend, the firsts travelled to West London to face St.Mary’s. On a decent pitch, Cardiff under-performed once more to reach 157 all out, and after the home side progressed to 94-2

from 20 overs, defeat looked imminent. But leg-spinner Breese and seamer Rehmen Malik took the last seven wickets for 30 runs, skittling the shellshocked batsmen for just 137 to cap off an extraordinary day’s cricket and stave off the threat of a relegation battle. Meanwhile, the seconds welcomed Gloucester to Llanrumney. After keeping the visitors to 52-4 at the halfway stage, some wayward bowling and aggressive batting guided the guests to a healthy total of 166. On a sweltering

day, the track dried out and became easier to manipulate, as debutant Chris Allen (48) and Steve Paul (51 not-out) dug deep to knock off the total with four overs to spare. On Sunday, the side travelled to Exeter and were in the field on a gloomy May morning, but started well. Exeter were heading for a modest total, but again some loose bowling gifted far too many runs as they posted a massive 254. Losing the first three wickets for 27 didn’t help Cardiff’s cause, and as

the fielders became more aggressive towards the struggling visitors, the middle order collapsed in a dismal display of batting. Cardiff lost to their biggest title rivals by a massive 166 runs. An unconvincing start for the club means this weekend’s fixtures against Brighton and Bournemouth could shape the season to come, but the lack of match practice and restricted player availability could mean a repeat of last year where both teams failed to qualify to the next stage.


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May 9 2005

Edin-buried in final By Ed Jones Hockey Correspondent

IN A CLASH between the titans of Welsh and Scottish hockey, it was an Irishman who won the day for Cardiff, goalkeeper Ian Ferguson producing a man-of-the-match performance to ensure that goals from Paul Hayes, John Collis and Rob Sparrow were enough to see Cardiff lift the BUSA Shield. Both sides had a shaky start to the match with big-match nerves obviously getting to the players, as mistakes were made. It was Edinburgh who settled first, their pressure pinning Cardiff back into their own half and winning them early short corners. The Scots could not have asked for a better start as they went 1-0 up early in the match, a simple straight strike confusing the Cardiff short-corner team and finding its way through to the back of the net. Obviously buoyed by such a good start, Edinburgh pushed for a second goal in an attempt to kill the game early on, but Cardiff kept their heads and composure, slowly but surely working their way back into the game. Ferguson was beginning to dominate his D, with the midfield retaining possession higher up the pitch and relieving some of the pres-

sure on the already hard-worked defence. Relying on their fighting spirit, Cardiff pulled themselves back into the game with a fast counter-attack. Working the ball first left then right, they created space for influential midfielder Collis to launch a 50-yard aerial pass over the top of the Scottish defence, allowing rapid forward Hayes to race onto the ball and finish with a first-time volley past the onrushing Edinburgh goalkeeper. The team from north of the border were obviously stunned by the goal, coming, as it did, against the run of play. It was during this period of play that Cardiff presented perhaps their most attacking threat. Sparrow went close with a deflection and versatile Martyn Freshman proved a constant thorn in the side of the Edinburgh defence, showing some silky skills and earning a warning for the Scottish side as they resorted to professionally fouling the attacking midfielder. It was from a short-corner won by Freshman that Cardiff almost took the lead, Collis sending the ball just wide of the goal. Having seen the danger presented by the Cardiff short-corner team, Edinburgh made sure not to give any easy chances away, but were helpless as Hayes turned neatly in the D to put the ball onto a defensive foot. Collis stepped up again and sent his drag-flick high into the roof of the net, putting Cardiff 2-1 up

at the break. Edinburgh came out hard after the interval, apparently feeling aggrieved at being a goal down despite having the lion’s share of possession, and Cardiff had to survive an early goalmouth scramble in which it took Ferguson two reaction saves in quick succession and a full-length dive on the line from Joe Cornish to finally avert the danger. Cardiff’s mind-set was epitomised by Tony Gough, their skipper literally laying his body on the line to deny Edinburgh clear chances, taking a short corner strike in the chest but feeding off adrenaline to

keep playing. Cardiff were being beaten back further into their own half, trusting in a defence that has been tight all season to keep the Scots at bay and relying on the forwards to take advantage of any counter-attacks. It was in such a manner that Cardiff extended their lead, Henry Cole breaking from midfield to put an inch perfect ball into the Edinburgh D for Sparrow to deflect past the hapless goalkeeper. With the score at 3-1, Cardiff knew they only had to defend the rest of the half to take the title. Edinburgh threw everything they had

ON TARGET: Cardiff earn tight victory

at the Welsh side’s defence but were unable to break through as defenders Tom Moore and Gareth Owen were called on to make tackles and interceptions over and over again, Moore especially showing absolute concentration. It was in the second half that Ferguson came into his own, organising his defence well and making crucial saves, especially one diving low to his left to tip a short corner around the post. The final whistle was greeted by celebrations all over the pitch and confirmed Cardiff’s place amongst the top sides in the country.

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

Welsh Cup

May 9 2005

Page 35

Aber’s supertroopers routed by Cardiff in Welsh Cup finals Women’s football and rugby teams finish season on a high note with Aberystwyth victories

PHOTOS: Nick Parnell

Griffith grabs the glor y Women’s run continues with 5-3 win against Aberystwyth

WONDER WEEK By Sarah Bellingham Rugby Correspondent

IT’S BEEN AN incredible week for Cardiff ladies’ rugby team, narrowly beat Brunel 32-26 in the BUSA Premiership playoffs,ensuring promotion next season, and scooping the Welsh Cup from under Aberystwyth’s noses. The first game saw Brunel travel to Llanrumney to face a formidable Cardiff side. Both teams were aware of how important the match was. Winning would mean moving up to the Premier League for Cardiff but Brunel’s passion for victory was evident from the start. The away side scored the first try and made a successful conversion, putting them into an early lead. Cardiff made a good break with a drive from the forwards taking them right up to the try line but the team’s failure to spread the ball wide and take advantage of an overlap led to the ball being turned over. As the game continued, the backs came into their own, using sophisticated moves to make greater inroads into the Brunel defence, and some powerful tackling from scrum-half Mia Brunner ensured Cardiff began to take control of the game. Eventually the hard work paid off and centre Rhian Lane used an excellent opportunity to score a try, adding another score shortly after. Brunel replied with two tries and a conversion to create a tense half-time atmosphere. In the second half, Holly Searle, making her debut at number eight, did a classy job creating chances for her teammates, leading to tries scored by fly-half Mari Ropstad, scrum-half Mia Brunner, full-back Phillipa Tuttiet and captain Marina Newth. Brunel scored another try but it wasn’t enough and Cardiff emerged victorious. Coach Nadine Griffiths was thrilled with the news of the

team’s promotion: "I am so proud of the girls, they have had a fantastic season and they thoroughly deserve to be moving up to play at a higher level next season." There was little time to relax, however, as Cardiff faced a tough match just days later against Aberystwyth in the Welsh Cup final. In what turned into a very physical game, prop Laura Gibbs suffered a strike to her nose but continued to play despite her clear discomfort. Again, aggressive tackling from scrum-half Mia Brunner kept the Aberystwyth attack at bay and impressive breaks from number eight Holly Searle, peeling away from the scrum, led to more great opportunities for the team, resulting in a try from centre Zoe Prytherch, Cardiff ’s failure to ruck successfully, however, began to let them down in the second half and a lack of aggressive driving meant Aberystwyth could make some ground, eventually scoring two successive tries. Cardiff began to make errors with their passing leading to several knock-ons, creating a dangerous situation but scrum-half Mia Brunner broke free and managed to score the winning try with a flourish, leaving the score 17-10. Captain Marina Newth, playing her last game for the university, was elated with her team’s performance. She said: "This was a brilliant way to end the season. It’s been emotional for us all and we are overjoyed to be leaving on such a high. The team’s performance this season has been absolutely phenomenal and we thoroughly deserve all the success we have gained."

A MERCURIAL DISPLAY from Cardiff’s women’s football team ended on a high as the team clinched the Welsh Cup with a 5-3 victory over Aberystwyth in Swansea. After dominating the first half and easing into a 5-0 lead, Cardiff conceded three goals in quick succession after the break to set up a tense finish. A powerful strike from the Aberystwyth right-winger, followed by a speculative long-range effort that crept under Cardiff goalkeeper Sarah Newbury, caused the reds to lose the shape and discipline that defined their first-half performance. When a third Aber goal, courtesy of a Sam Burdus own goal, hit the back of the net with 16 minutes to go, Cardiff were urged from the sidelines not to throw it away. The comparative unease of the closing 10 minutes was in sharp contrast to the domination shown by the recently-crowned Varsity champions in the firsthalf.

ON THE BALL: Women’s AFC win again On a heavy pitch atop a windswept Swansea hillside, Cardiff managed to produce some slick football. Jess Baker, a constant threat on the right wing, traumatised a shaky Aberystwyth defence with incisive runs and crosses, linking well with captain Emma Jones and striker Alex Joanides. However, it was from the opposite wing that the first goal came. Aileen Griffith, who outpaced her marker all day, ghosted through the Aber defence to finish neatly from inside the box. On 15 minutes, Cardiff’s lead was doubled. Emma Jones, pushing forward from midfield, found herself in space on the left of the opposition penalty area and produced a calm left-foot finish past the Aberystwyth goalkeeper. Cardiff had to wait until five minutes before halftime to add to their tally,

PHOTOS: Nick Parnell

By Thom Airs Sports Editor

but were rewarded with a goal that their pressure deserved. Griffith cut out a poor defensive clearance and was aided by the toe of a defender as she slid the ball under the onrushing goalkeeper and into the net. The best move of the game ended with Cardiff’s fourth goal just two minutes later. Another good interchange between Jones and Baker on the right edge of the box freed Joanides, whose powerful shot was parried into the path of Buntin for a simple tap-in. Jones’s unselfish midfield play was rewarded 10 minutes after the interval with a superb individual goal. The Bristol Rovers star jinked past two defenders on the edge of the box, before firing a low right-foot drive into the corner of the net from 25 yards. Despite Aberystwyth’s late rally, some stout defending, led by Micki Burdus’s calming influence, allowed Cardiff to hang on for the victory. The trophy is a fitting end to another memorable season for the women’s football team.

Spor t gair rhydd

Men’s hockey win National Shield p.34

Welsh Cup wizards Uni secures five successes on Cardiff’s ‘Winning Wednesday’ By John Stanton Sports Editor FIVE WELSH CUP triumphs in one day have continued Cardiff’s fine run of form following victory in the previous week’s Varsity Shield. Three of the sides who won Team of the Year at the Athletic Union Ball - ladies’ football, ladies’ rugby and men’s hockey - secured victories to ensure a fine end to the season. Ladies’ rugby also secured promotion from their BUSA league, thanks to a 32-26 victory against Brunel. Ladies’ hockey and netball completed the trophy haul but Cardiff missed out on a clean sweep of Welsh Cup victories as men’s basketball succumbed to a narrow defeat. Elsewhere, men’s hockey won the National Shield with a hard-fought 3-1 defeat of Edinburgh, with goalkeeper Ian Ferguson outstanding throughout. Full reports, pages 33, 34, 35

Sponsor cash boost for IMG By John Stanton Sports Editor NEXT YEAR’S IMG will benefit from the first sponsorship deal in the event’s history, the Athletic Union announced last week. After years of under-funding and neglection in favour of representative university sport, the AU has taken action to back its claim that it does care about IMG, which sees over 900 students competing on a weekly basis. Deloitte, the financial heavyweights, are set to contribute a sizeable amount of sponsorship money, reaffirming the status of the football, netball and rugby competitions as the biggest IMG triumvarite in the UK. AU Development Co-ordinator Nick King has been in ongoing talks with the company and is confident that a deal will be finalised shortly. He said: “The agreement is there in principle and both sides are happy with it. It’s now just a matter of waiting for the contract to be signed.” Although the exact details of the deal are yet to be completely decided, it is likely that the name of the league will be changed to incorporate Deloitte, mirroring other commercial sponsorships such as the Barclays Premiership and the Heineken Cup. King is confident that the venture will ensure the growth of IMG and guarantee the existing facilities for the foreseeable future. He added: “This investment will help to cover rising pitch costs. We want to guarantee everyone has a pitch on a Wednesday afternoon so that people don’t have to play on weekends or not play at all. “We hope to ask the students themselves exactly what they want.” Acting AU President Gary Rees added: “So many students take part in IMG that it’s important to have a sponsor. IMG is Cardiff’s flagship sporting competition and is great as a way of increasing participation in sport.” Deloitte are expected to want their logo on all IMG publicity material, as well as having a considerable visual presence at events such as the football final at Llanrumney and September’s inaugural IMG Fair.



Page 26

May 9 - May 15 2005



19.00 7 o'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Strictly Dance Fever on BBC3 20.00 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 21.00 Who Rules the Roost? This is about kids being tempered - as is almost every other show on TV at the moment. Parents - get a belt and take aim, follow Bree’s (of Desperate Housewives fame) example. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 12.00 Wedding Stories 0.55 The House of Tiny Tearaways with Tanya Byron 01.55 Who Rules the Roost? 02.50 Spendaholics This may include me. I got fifty binners out today and am already into my second tenner. Where the bloody hell has that all gone? It’s on sandwiches. If it wasn’t for expensive sandwiches I’d be a wealthy man. Bring on the three bin fifty sandwich voucher next year!

6.00 GMTV2 9.25 Married with Children 9.55 Married with Children 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 People's Court 1.30 Coronation Street 2.00 Emmerdale 2.30 Airline USA. Relative Values 3.00 The Ricki Lake Show 3.50 Trisha 4.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 5.40 Judge Judy 7.00 Married with Children 7.30 Married with Children 8.00 The Real Billy Elliot Diaries 8.30 American Idol 9.20 American Idol 9.50 FILM: Threesome YES! 11.40 Coronation Street 0.10 Married with Children. Just Shoe It (Subtitled) 0.40 Married with Children. Rites of Passage 1.10 The Ricki Lake Show. 1.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 2.35 Teleshopping 4.35 ITV2 Nightscreen I have the worst cough, I sound like a kid with tuberculosis in a nineteenth century Irish novel. Aaaargh. In other news, Menzies ‘Mingys’ Campbell has just held Fife. Or |The Kingdom of Fife as the banners say.

19.00 Broadway: The American Musical 20.00 The World 20.30 Tales from Europe: Estonia Well I bet this is a bucket full of gruel of laughs. 21.00 India's Monsoon Railway What’s the difference between Arthur Scargill and Michael Jackson? Arthur Scargill hasn’t seen a miner/ors helmet for 20 years. That one doesn’t really work on paper does it? 21.50 Great Railway Journeys Oxymoronic title. Although I do like to sit and read the Observer on the long journey back from Manchester-town. 22.40 Storyville: McLibel 0.05 Tales from Europe: Estonia 0.35 India's Monsoon Railway two programmes about trains! And we call BBC4 dull. 01.25 Broadway: The American Musical 02.25 Time Shift: The Grunwick Strike 03.10 India's Monsoon Railway La la la, la la la la, la la la la la laa laa laa, do be doobedy doo, aiiiiiiiii. Loving you is easy cos you’re beautiful, etc.....

The Farm five 2.15pm

5:50 Spiderman 6:10 The Hoobs 6:35 The Hoobs: Fastest Thing on Two Legs 7:00 B4 7:30 Friends 8:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 8:30 The King Of Queens: Nocturnal Omission This may or may not be about farting 8:55 Will & Grace 9:20 Water Stories 9:30 Teens On Trial 10:00 Teens On Trial 10:30 Film Focus: The Making of a Blockbuster 10:55 Quit 11:00 Rude Brittania 11:30 From The Top: Lex Baillie 11:55 Re-Writing History 1 2:00 News At Noon 12:30 Grudge Match Wayne versus Coleen 12:45 Cheers 1:15 Channel 4 Racing from York and Newbury 3:15 Cuntdown 4:00 Room For Improvement 5:00 Richard & Judy 6:00 The Simpsons 6:30 Hollyoaks Mandy and Tony get emotional when they think about Helen and Gordon and what terrific grandparents they would have made. Mirren and Brown? 7:00 Channel 4 News 7:35 The Simple Life 2 8:00 Friends 9:00 The Simpsons 9:30 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 10:00 Playing It Straight 11:05 FAQ U 11:40 Comedy Lab: Whatever 12:10 Conan The Barbarian Funny, I hear Terminator 3 is on again this week. 2:35 The Invasion 2:50 British Superbikes 3:45 Speedway Grand Prix 4:40 KOTV 5:05 Transworld Sport I’m really struggling to fill up this space. Just speaking to Sports Thom whose incumbent MP is the Rt Hon. Boris Johnson. Notable he is for being the only Tory I would EVER vote for. Gawd, another three lines, what else can I say? Not a lot.

2:00 The O.C.: The Truth 3:00 The Next Joe Millionaire 4:00 Switched 4:30 Hollyoaks 5:00 Friends 5:30 Friends 6:00 Without A Trace 7:00 Hollyoaks 7:30 Switched 8:00 Friends 8:30 Friends 9:00 Wife Swap As it’s election night up in gr towers we think the best think Tony Blair could do now (aside from resign) is to do a Wife Swap with Micky Howard. Sandra eh? She’d get a spin on the Willy Disco. 10:00 FILM: Desperado 12:00 Black Books The best British sitcom since Father Ted is being repeated on E4. For those of you unlucky enough to not own the Complete Black Books DVD or have seen the episodes before should catch up. It’s right belting like. 12:30 Trigger Happy USA 1:00 Trigger Happy USA 1:25 4 Go Dating 1:55 Nokia Urban Music Festival with Prince’s Trust 2005 2:25 Nokia Urban Music Festival with Prince’s Trust and 2:50 Black Books 3:20 Trigger Happy USA

06.00 Rolie Polie Olie 06.25 The Save-Ums! 06.35 Bagpuss 06.50 Peppa Pig 07.00 Hi-5 07.30 Ebb and Flo 07.40 Funky Valley 07.50 Make Way for Noddy 08.05 Fifi and the Flowertots What a good name for a florists. Not as good as my name for a rock band ‘Called Liberace by a Lesbian’. 08.25 Franklin 08.5 MechaNick 09.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 09.25 Trisha Goddard 10.30 The Wright Stuff 11.30 five news 12.00 Family Affairs 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 BrainTeaser 14.00 America's Next Top Model 14.55 The Farm Cue bad gags about Pete Wooton’s band The Farm............. 15.45 Film: A Touch of Hope Question 1) Who’s Hope? Question 2) Can I have a touch too? 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 House Doctor: The A-Z of Design F - the Flap 20.30 Britain's Worst DIYer The bloke who built the Millennium Bridge 21.00 House Doctor: Inside and Out 22.00 House Doctor: Up Close and Personal 22.30 The Farm Biography of Pete Wooton’s Scouse rockers The Farm 23.20 The Truth About Celebrity Ads 24.25 Film: Risky Business 02.05 Film: Someone Is Watching 03.35 Sunset Beach 4.20 Russell Grant's Postcards 04.25 Melrose Place 05.10 Sons and Daughters 05.35 Sons and Daughters Rubbish Australian soap/rubbish Scottish band. You decide...









6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News Hour 9.25 People's Court 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.30 Perseverance2.00 Loose Women 2.45 Mum's On Strike. Aaargh who’s going to make my jam butties? Or do everything else for that matter. 3.30 Miffy and Friends 3.35 Tractor Tom 3.45 Bernard 4.00 Splash Camp Bukkakakkkekeke!!! 4.30 Girls in Love. Baby Blues 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale Zoe gets wise to Sadie's scheming and ends their friendship. Last time they play Monopoly together then! 7.30 Coronation Street Craig's grandad stuffs David Platt's rabbit. I’m not sure if this is a euphemism. 8.00 Rosie's Debts: Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 FILM: For Your Eyes Only 10.30 ITV News 11.00 FILM: For Your Eyes Only 11.30 The Contender Michael Howard 0.30 The Contender 1.10 Entertainment Now! 1.35 The Paul O'Grady Show 2.30 FILM: Cabin Boy 3.45 cd:uk 4.10 Rosie's Debts: Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.35 Star Bites 4.45 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News We’re having a bit of a gair rhydd election bash up here in GR towers tonight. Word is that Jenny Willot looks like she’s going to take Cardiff Central. Good girl. In other news, I stink from excess playing of American Football. Hard life.


6:00am: CBBC: Noah's Island 6:25 Jakers 6:50 Monster Cafe 7:05 Jackie Chan Adventures 7:30 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Balamory 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Fireman Sam 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Bob the Builder 9:00 Tweenies 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 The Story Makers 10:00 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10:15 Little Red Tractor 10:30 The Way Things Work 10:45 Razzledazzle 11:05 Words and Pictures Plus 11:20 Science Clips 11:30 The Munsters 11:55 What a Carry On! 12:20pm: Trade Secrets 12:30 Working Lunch Featuring a stockbroker sausage. 1:30 Golf: British Masters 6:00 Flog It! 7:00 Diana's Lost Millions ...of pounds on her snazzy diet. Too far. Maybe. 7:30 A Year at Kew I watched this t’other day gash! 8:00 Gardeners' World 9:00 Wren: The Man Who Built Britain I think you’ll find he designed it actually. 10:00 Nation on Film: VE Day - Shooting the War 10:30 Newsnight 11:00 Newsnight Review 11:35 Later with Jools Holland Wow, aside from having that inanity of Foo Fighters Peas Jools ‘Ladies and Gennelllmen’ Holland has only gone and got the Arcade Fire on. there’s a TV Sunday night- woooo. 12:35am: FILM: World for Ransom 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University 2:30 Giotto: The Arena Chapel 3:30 The Unusual Suspects 4:00 Independent Living 4:30 Containing the Pacific 5:00 Animated English: The Creature Comforts Story TV advertisements Whoooaaaa nanananananan Kaiser Chiefs.

The Contender BBC2 6.30pm


Way Things Work BBC2 10.30am


6:00: Breakfast 9:15 Missing 10:00 City Hospital 11:00 Trading Up 11:30 Car Booty 12:15pm: Bargain Hunt 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News THIS IS THE NEWS! 3:25 CBBC: Bodger and Badger Poor naive Alys (who, let’s be fair, has lived in Hong Kong all her life) pointed at gr towers’ TV before, pointed at a badger puppet and a bloke named Bodger, and said ‘What’s this?’ 3:40 Tom and Jerry Kids 4:00 Arthur 4:20 The Fairly Odd Parents 4:30 Ace Lightning 5:00 Stupid 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours Lyn struggles to resist a younger man. Boyd does seem to be getting himself somewhat of a reputation. 6:00 BBC News 6:30 Regional News 7:00 A Question of Sport 7:30 Top of the Pops 8:00 EastEnders 8:30 The Lenny Henry Show 9:00 Have I Got News for You 9:30 Only Fools and Horses 10:00 BBC News 10:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross Did anyone see ‘Wossy’ make a complete tit of himself by trying to ‘banter’ with Nicole Kidman? Kidman, who had obviously not been briefed. She did not like the gags about her mother. 11:35 FILM: Buffy


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06:10 The Hoobs 06:35 The Hoobs 07:00 B4 07:30 Friends 08:00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08:30 Kings Of Queens 08:55 Will & Grace 09:20 Water Stories Schools 09:30 Teens on Trial 10:00Teens on Trial 10:30 The English Programme 10:55 Life Stuff 11:00 Rude Brittannia 11:30 Life Stuff 11:55 Re-Writing History 12:00 News at Noon 12:30 Planed Palnt Bach 12:30 Teletubbies 13:00 Pentre Bach 13:15 Channel 4 Racing 15:15 Cuntdown 16:00 Planed Plant 16:00 Sion Neu Sian 16:25 O Na! Y Morgans 16:50 Ffeil 17:00 Richard & Judy 18:00 The Simpsons 18:30 Uned 5 19:30 Newyddion 20:00 Pobol Y Cym 20:25 Risg 21:00 Cofio 60: Olion Rhyfel 21:15 Caneuon Mawr 21:45 Cnex 22:00 Property Ladder 23:05 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 23:35 Playing It Straight 00:40 FAQ U 01:10 Comedy Lab 1:40 Comedy Lab

gair rhydd - Issue 786  

gair rhydd - Issue 786