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gair CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

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ISSUE 776. November 22 2004

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CUTTING EDGE FREE INSIDE: OF CANCER DEMO POSTER UCWM Prof. Tim Muaghan elected chair of National Cancer Research Network

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THIEVES TARGET HALLS By Matt Wilkin and Will Talmage THIEVES STRUCK at a University hall of residence last week stealing hundreds of pounds worth of goods, raising more questions about campus security. First year student Becky Crean returned to Cartwright Court on Saturday 6 November after an evening out with friends in Cardiff city centre, to discover that her bedroom window had been forced open by thieves. Her room had been ransacked and a number of electrical goods had been taken. "When I entered my room, it was a complete tip" said Becky. "The window had been shattered, my laptop and DVD player were missing, and my printer had been smashed. "They [the intruders] had obviously attempted to take my CD player too, as it had been pulled away from the wall." She immediately reported the break-in to onsite security staff, who called in the police. Becky had to spend the night out of her room until members of Cardiff CID checked it for fingerprints and footprints the following morning. "My flatmates and I were shocked that the intruders could break in and

get away with so many possessions without being seen or heard. I feel that security ought to be improved drastically," she said. But uni officials have insisted that any lapses are quickly being fixed. Security Services Manager Tony Lewis said: "We are working closely with Residences, and patrols of the site have been increased by re-deploying staff from elsewhere. “If any student has any particular concern in relation to their security they are welcome to contact me, either directly or via the Residences Management." Mr Lewis also urged students to ensure all their doors and windows were locked before they left their rooms. Students’ personal property is insured under the University halls insurance policy, and Becky has been issued with a crime reference number as the police continue to investigate the incident. This latest break-in comes only a matter of weeks after gair rhydd exposed security flaws at another student residence, and increases pressure on the Residences and Catering Division to make improvements to security across Universityowned property. CARTWRIGHT COURT: The scene of the break-in (above) INSET: Becky Crean

gair rhydd scoops best paper award By Bec Storey Media Editor GAIR RHYDD was celebrating this week after winning Best Student Paper of the year at the NUS/Daily Mirror National Student Journalists awards last week. Last year’s editor Tristan Thomas was clearly estastic after receiving the award.

He said: "This makes the hard work and the sleepless nights worth it. I don’t believe that people realise how much of your student life is given over to gair rhydd." The paper beat off competition from Leeds Student, York Vision, Crywolf and The London Student to scoop the award The prize comes just after Quench Magazine being named runner-up in the Guardian Student Media Awards

after only one year of publication. The awards were held at the East Winter Gardens at Canary Wharf, London last Saturday following a day of workshops and debates organised by Daily Mirror for the nominees. These awards are the oldest and most prestigious of the student media awards and are valued by those in the industry. The Best Paper award was judged by the Mirror Group’s Political

Editor, David Seymour who praised the high standard of entries this year. He said: "student newspapers are the breeding ground for the next generation of national newspapers." Current editor Gary Andrews said: “This is really a testament to all the hard work last year’s team put in. “Of course this now puts the paper under more pressure to repeat the success but I’m confident we can retain the award next year.”


News

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COUNCIL BACKS OXFORD STUDENT PRESS FREEDOM glance

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November 22 2004 1 News 9 Geordie 10 Opinion 12 Politics 14 Media 16 Jobs and Money 18 Science 23 Television 31 Five Minute Fun 32 Letters 33 Competitions 34 Listings 36 Problem Page 37 Sport EDITOR Gary Andrews

DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony ASSISTANT TO THE EDITOR Elaine Morgan SUB EDITORS Ken Griffin, Robbie Lane, Morwenna Kearns, Amy Mackelden NEWS Dave Doyle, Will Talmage, Jonathan Astle, Paul Dicken POLITICS Caroline Farwell EDITORIAL AND OPINION Alys Southwood SPORT John Stanton, Thom Airs LISTINGS Jim Sefton, Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION TV Willy, TV John, TV Katie, TV Manners LETTERS Perri Lewis GRAB Shell Plant TAF-OD Elgan Iorwerth SCIENCE Chris Matthews MEDIA Bec Storey FIVE MINUTE FUN Sarah Bayes JOBS AND MONEY Carly O’Donnell, Tom Scobie COMEDY PROBLEM Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Luke Pavey, AJ Silvers PROOF READERS

Alsia Chalk, Carly Sharples, Hannah Perry CONTRIBUTORS Sophie Robehmed, Nadia Sam-Daliri, John Tuscany, Georgie Mavrakis, James Emtage, Ed Vanstone, Megan Connor, Andrew Mickel, Daniel Ashcroft, Daniel Stanton, Matt Wilkin, Farah Ahmed, Zoe Baldock, Adam Gasson, David Pruett, Phillip Stark, Gareth Evans, Gareth Owen, Ed Jones, Cazz Earl, Sally Phillips, Chris Allen, Sarah Bellingham, Billy Hemstock, Emma Jones, Sara Reid, Tom Scobie, Tom Gough, Charleigh Smith, Emma Smith, Ian Loynd

ADDRESS University Union, Park Place Cardiff, CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 / 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

By Sophie Robehmed Reporter

A MOTION to condemn the actions of Oxford University for suspending two of their student journalists has been passed at a Cardiff University student council meeting. In May of last year, Patrick Foster who is now Editor of the Oxford Student paper, and News Editor, Roger Waite, were carrying out an investigation into security flaws in Oxford University’s IT network. They were acting on a tip off when they proceeded to download a piece of accessible software, after looking on search engine, Google. The pair found that by using the software they could gain admittance to the entire IT network of the university, including personal email accounts and CCTV cameras. On concluding their study, Foster and Waite presented their findings to the university for the purpose of both comment and to inform them of the lack of security. But, based on Foster and Waite’s findings, Oxford University decided

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suspend all their IT privileges, and referred the matter to the police, in addition to conducting their own investigation. This is despite an authoritative spokesperson admitting that in some cases a cheaper computer set-up was chosen to provide wider

access in the article, printed on May 27 2004. Meanwhile, the police suggested that the university deal with the issue at hand internally. Following an investigation, Oxford University has now suspended Foster and Waite until May 2005. This decision has enraged colleagues and student journalists further afield. It has received support from many sides, including The National Union of Journalists. It is therefore a topic that was of priority at a recent student council meeting held at Cardiff University. Those present concluded that Foster and Waite had acted in a fair and professional manner throughout the duration of their investigation, with their actions being “motivated by a desire to improve conditions for students and not out of malice or any wish to cause harm to the university’”. They found the decision to punish the two students to be “both wrong and excessive given the misdemeanour”. The Student Council also maintains “that no student

journalist should live in fear of repercussions from their university or union for printing the truth and exposures of flaws that could disadvantage students”. The motion proposed by Gary Andrews, Media Officer and seconded by Peter Goodman, College President in charge of the College of Humanities and Sciences, was warmly received, with only two members abstaining. The Student Council resolves that a letter of support for Foster and Waite signed by the sabbatical officers will be sent to The Oxford Student. While a letter signed by the Student Council will be sent to Oxford University, expressing dismay at their actions with strong emphasis on reinstating Foster and Waite. This issue also caused the Student Council to suggest that the President seek reassurance from the ViceChancellor in case a similar situation should arise at Cardiff University, stating that “the student journalists involved would not be unduly penalised”. Meanwhile, the University’s Court of Summary Jurisdiction have punished Foster and Waite for telling the truth earlier this month, but the pair will be appealing against this decision.

Cole charged Recyclers go with assault back to start By Ken Griffin Reporter AU PRESIDENT James Cole has appeared at Cardiff Magistrates’ Court charged with assault, occasioning bodily harm relating to an incident that occurred in Solus nightclub on October 7, 2004. Cole pleaded not guilty at the hearing and was released on conditional bail. The conditions state that Cole must not contact or interfere with any potential witness and he is not allowed to enter Cardiff Students’ Union. Cole has been charged under Section 47 of the Offences Against the Person Act 1861, which means that he could face a sentence of up to seven years in jail if he is found guilty. Cole is due to appear in front of the Magistrates’ Court again on December 23, for his pre-trial review where the Crown Prosecution Service will present evidence to establish if there are grounds to proceed to a trial. A spokesperson for Cardiff University said that the university had

suspended Cole in accordance with the Student Disciplinary Procedure and are awaiting the outcome of the criminal proceedings against him before proceeding further. Students’ Union President Gary Rees will continue to run the Athletic Union in Cole’s absence. He said that it would be unfair to make assumptions about the incident involved before a “proper and fair investigation has taken place”.

COLE: Pleaded not guilty

By Nadia Sam-Daliri Reporter CARDIFF UNIVERSITY has recently come under criticism due to the fact that it does not have a coherent recycling programme. The School of Journalism, Media and Cultural Studies is the only department that actually does recycle its resources. Tom Gough, the Union’s Campaigns and PR Officer, recently attended a conference on environmental issues, involving several vice chancellors for the University. ‘‘We are working with Keep Cardiff Tidy, to encourage students, lecturers and particularly those in charge of departments to recycle more”, said Tom. Keep Cardiff Tidy is an initiative that has attempted to spread its message at local level. Its strategy is to educate people about the importance of efficient waste disposal, and provide simple methods for this. The green recycling bags that are distributed to households across the

city are a prime example of the increased action undertaken by Cardiff County Council. The Keep Cardiff Tidy campaign wants to “encourage people to deal with their rubbish responsibly, through a combination of education and enforcement.” Tom Gough feels that the only way forward is for the university to work alongside the Council and companies such as People and Planet, which is the largest student network in Britain aiming to protect the world’s resources. “The university must actively enforce sustainability, for its own good as well as that of the environment”, he says. The university is one of the largest corporations in Cardiff and therefore has a duty to the local and national community. The university defended itself by claiming that individual offices do recycle, yet no comprehensive plan has been undertaken. According to Tom cooperation between the Council, Student’s union and university looks promising.


News

November 22 2004

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Completely quackers SABBATICALS FROM CUSU took the fight against top-up fees to the Welsh Assembly last tuesday. Gary Rees, Students’ Union President, and Tom Gough, Campaigns and PR officer, dressed up as Daffy and Donald Duck for the protest. The aim of the event was to raise the profile of the Duck Off Fees campaign, a joint venture between the NUS and Cardiff Students’ Union. The two cartoon characters handed out rubber ducks to the members of the Welsh Assembly, as well as to passers-by. The event received national coverage, with HTV Wales interviewing the

campaigners, as well as South Wales Echo and BBC Radio Cymru. Mark Isherwood, a North Wales Assembly Member and the Joint Welsh Conservative Spokesperson for Education said: “I am totally opposed to top-up fees. We are concerned that the current proposals will haunt people into their middle years and will be discriminatory. “We propose a system with no topup fees which will halve student debt. We will also remove arbitrary goals for student figures attending university.” Tom ‘Donald Duck’ Gough, one of the campaigners, told gair rhydd: “I thought the protest was a complete success. We got through to politicians, members of staff as well as members of the public.” Gary ‘Daffy Duck’ Rees added: “Our stunt today is only a small part of what we hope will be a massive influence from Cardiff students and students UK wide at the protest on December 2.”

Photos: Emma Smith

By Will Talmage News Editor

BIRDS OF A FEATHER: The Sabs protesting and INSET the ducks that were handed out

Photos: Robbie Lane

Girls allowed as HMV goes blue

By Robbie Lane Reporter QUEEN’S STREET was overrun with ten-year-old girls and twenty-year-old men as Girls Aloud opened the new HMV store at lunchtime on Thursday. The girls were meeting fans and signing copies of ‘I’ll Stand By STAR APPEAL: Both Girls Aloud and Blue attended the opening of the new HMV in Cardiff

You’, the official single for this year’s Children in Need appeal. Watching over the official opening was ‘Nipper’, the HMV dog, and Red Dragon’s Jase and Zoe. At five o’clock it was the turn of Blue to endure screaming fans, while signing copies of their greatest hits album.


News

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GANG WARS Women’s officer vs. By Jayne McGill Reporter

A fight between rival gangs broke out recently in Cardiff city centre. The brawl took place on Friday November 5 at 11.15pm, when two gangs – one from Swansea, and the other from Cardiff, started fighting out side the nightclub, Bar Risa. Police are appealing for anyone who may have information concerning the incident. The fray resulted in one man from Swansea having a broken jaw and another man being seriously injured. So far nine men, in their late teens

and early twenties, have been charged with violent disorder, grievous bodily harm and assault. The police are now keen on finding out how the fight started and are appealing to anyone who might have seen what happened. Detective Sergeant Huw Thomas from Cardiff CID stated: "The whole of the queue outside Bar Risa will have seen it. There may have been some altercation in the queue." The police are certain that the fight had nothing to do with the football rivalry between the two cities. Anyone with any information should contact Acting DS Thomas on 029 2052 7420.

domestic violence

By Will Talmage News Editor AMNESTY INTERNATIONAL are encouraging communities to organise a candle lighting event to expose violence against women on November 25. Claire Donovan, Women’s Officer for Cardiff Students’ Union, will be organising an information stall and selling white ribbons in the reception of the Students’ Union. The money raised will be donated

Cancer research gets the Cardiff treatment By David Menon Reporter A Cardiff University Professor will be in charge of overseeing the vast majority of UK Cancer Research, after being appointed as Chair Elect of a committee. Professor Tim Maughan, Professor of Cancer Studies, will head the

National Cancer Research Network’s (NCRN) Operational Committee in 2005. The Cardiff-based specialist is also Consultant Oncologist at Velindre Hospital, and Director of the Oncology Project at the Wales College of Medicine. In Year 3 of medical undergraduate training, students are linked with a

cancer sufferer in order to understand the condition and the ways in which it affects the patient’s lifestyle. Professor Maughan said “I am thrilled to be taking up this very senior cancer research position in the UK. “It also underlines the fact that the Wales Cancer Trials Network was the forerunner of the NCRN, and as such keeps Welsh interests and perspectives to the fore.” The NCRN was established in April 2001 by the Department of Health to assist the NHS with cancer treatments, and to support the research carried out by cancer charities. The organisation aims to improve patient care by increasing the speed, quality and integration of its research.

Nurses given the all-clear By David Doyle News Editor NURSING STUDENTS’ fears about changes to their course are “a misunderstanding” according to Dean of Nursing and Midwifery Studies, Professor Ann Tucker. In a statement to gair rhydd, Professor Tucker has clarified that students who have finished their second year, or are due to finish it in March, will not have their second year marks counting towards their final

degree. The students’ fears were brought to Professor Tucker’s attention in last week’s gair rhydd. Students who contacted the paper believed that their marks from the second year would count, and also raised concerns about changes to their ‘reflective account’ assessment. The hand-in dates for the reflective account are under review. Students were concerned that this would only leave them with four weeks work experience to write about, rather than

twelve. Professor Tucker insists that this is designed to benefit students. In an interview with gair rhydd she said: “This change was made to enable students to retrieve work within their bursary. If they don’t like that, they can go back to the position as it was.” She also inisisted that the final decision would be made through discussion with the students. Course directors were due to meet with students last Friday to discuss the changes.

equally between Amnesty International and Welsh Women’s Aid. In addition to this, Donovan is hoping to raise awareness of ending violence against women. The issue of domestic violence is a serious and wide spread issue with staggering statistics. One in four women and one in six men will experience domestic violence in their lifetimes. An average of two women each week were killed by current or former partners in England and Wales during 2000/1. On average, a woman is assaulted 35 times before her first call to the police. Donovan runs a weekly session on the third floor of the union every thursday, between three and five O’Clock, where students can discuss any issues or ideas for campaigns. For any other information, or to help at the Amnesty International event on November 25, please contact via e-mail: donovanc@cf.ac.uk.

DONOVAN: Women’s Officer

NUS Winter Wonderland By Gary Andrews Reporter Last week’s NUS Wales Winter Conference saw a heated debate on a motion to scrap the sabbatical position of Women’s Officer on the Welsh exec. The proposal, submitted by Aberystwyth Guild of Students, called for the abolition of the position in favour of an Equal Opportunities and Welsh Officer. Cardiff University Students’ Union backed the motion and tabled an amendment to include Welfare in the job title. Women’s Officer is currently only one of three paid positions on the NUS Wales executive, the others being President and Vice-President. Cardiff’s newly elected Women’s Officer, Claire Donovan, got the loudest round of applause after speaking in favour of the motion. “It’s not fair that the Woman’s

Officer is a paid position when all other diversity groups depend on nonsabbats,” she said. Her main argument in favour of the move was that the position would be able to “focus on women’s issues as opposed to welfare work,” which the position currently entails. The motion was eventually defeated by just three votes, with 24 delegates voting against. But Cardiff was successful with a second motion that called on NUS Wales to meet with the Student Loan Company to seek a solution to the current loan fiasco. College President of Humanities and Science, Pete Goodman, who wrote the original proposal, called it a “vital message”. He said: “This shows that Wales is far from satisfied with the Student Loans Company, which has left our students financially desolate this year.”

Crime epidemic rips through Cathays By Will Talmage News Editor A SPATE of recent burglaries swept through Cayhays in the small hours of Tuesday. Ten houses were burgled around the Whitchurch Road area - luckily none of them were student houses. This may have been more luck than

judgement on the part of the burglars, however PC Bob Keohane said: “Hopefully this reflects that students are taking the advice offered. “This doesn’t mean that you should let yourself get complacent.” Almost all of the houses burgled were attacked from the rear. PC Keohane urged students to remember to secure the house at both the front

and back doors. He went on to add: “Four of the houses had an unlocked backdoor and so were left insecure - in some cases this can have a detrimental effect on an insurance claim.” Student houses are most at risk when they are empty, so over the Christmas period, the houses in student areas will be particularly

vunerable to burglars. PC Keohane said: “In order to protect your belongings, it is best to take them home with you over the holiday. Failing that, Tom Gough, the Students’ Union Campaigns and PR officer will be organising a storage facility over the holiday period.” Over 270 students’ have had their

phones stolen in the city centre so far this term. PC Keohane told gair rhydd that teams of thieves target the busier clubs in the city centre over the weekend. He said: “Keep all property on you at all times, and if you are going to the bar or the toilets, take all your belongings with you.”


News

November 22 2004

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CARDIFF ACADEMIC WARNS ABOUT TAKING PROZAC THE FOOD and Drug Administration recently declared that Prozac and other anti-depressants are now required to carry new warnings of the potential risk of suicide on their packages. Eli Lilly and Co, the makers of Prozac, were found to have underreported this potential risk of suicide. When the drug was first produced, they did not list akathisia - a form of intense anxiety and restlessness - as a side effect because they considered that a one in 100 times frequency should be classed as ‘rare’. The new labels are aimed at children, as the risk to them is perceived as greater especially now doctors have become increasingly willing to place youths on anti-depressants before trying alternative forms of treatment such as counselling or meditation. Two studies published on Thursday 18 October have raised concerns over the prescribing of psychotropic drugs to children. Prescriptions of psychotropic drugs such as Prozac and Seroxat in the UK have risen from 68% between the years 2000 and 2002. The study published in the Archives of Disease in Childhood has raised concerns over the lack of adeqaute knowledge on the effects of such drugs on children. In 2000, Dr. David Healy, the Director of Psychological Medicine at Cardiff University, estimated that around 30,000 people, who would have otherwise not done so, killed

themselves while on Prozac. Investigators discovered that Eli Lilly’s clinical trials revealed non-suicidal patients taking Prozac were three times more likely to commit suicide than patients taking a placebo. Fluoxetine, an old drug that Eli Lilly previously had to withdraw from the shelves has now re-emerged again as a new drug. It is believed that the drug has the same, if not worse, effects than Prozac. Hundreds of legal actions have been filed against the company claiming damages for the physical side-effects the drug has induced. Healy has based his research on the various files collected from these completed trials recorded by the Federal Drug Administration. When interviewed, he explained how the statistic of one in 50 anti-depressant users being potentially at risk of increased agitation, appears far more widereaching when the ‘one’ represents 30,000 people. “People are dying who do not need to die” said Dr Healy. “The agitation caused can include thoughts of suicide, self-harm or strange out of character thoughts. The agitation may even develop to psychotic proportions.” “Part of the problem with antidepressants is the they have been prescribed to many people by a doctor who may not be aware of the side effects, and may not have warned you about the side effects. If you then develop problems on the drugs you may not link the drug to the problem or you may feel now that you have a very severe nervous problem.”

It would appear that by knowing what to look out for when taking medication the risk is greatly reduced. The need for aftercare when taking such drugs must also be reinforced. Scientists believe unbalanced hormones and neurotransmitters cause depression. Therefore, the best way to treat depression is to artificially rebalance the body’s chemistry. In America today some studies have found that one-third of the population are on antidepressants - this represents nearly three times the population of Canada. In Britain the use of Prozac has become so popular that the drug can even be found in the nation’s ground water, having leaked from treated sewage. The drug companies have increasingly profited from growing global sale, reaping in $19.5 billion just last year.

Prescriptions of psychotropic drugs such as Prozac and Seroxat in the UK have risen from 68% between the years 2000 and 2002.

By Farah Ahmed Reporter

Eli Lilly assert that their new version of Prozac does address the problem of suicidal effects but it is necessary to be aware of the potential effects of taking drugs, while ensuring your practitioner monitors behaviour

PROZAC: experts fear the effects of and health while drugs are prescribed. James, a student at Cardiff University, has had experience with taking psychotropic medicine: “I’m taking Citalopram, which is from the same family of drugs as Prozac. My depression is also coupled with schizoid tendencies such as aural and visual hallucinations and paranoia, so stopping my medication is not an option.” “I asked my GP about Seroxat and he said that the cases are so dispraportionately low that in the medical profession Seroxat is considered as safe.” However, there is increasing evidence that alternative treatments can be just as effective as drugs, without the potentially dangerous side-effects. Stress reduction programmes and meditation can intensify the activity in the left pre-frontal cortex of the brain, which is the area that generates our feeling of happiness. James commented that the taking of anti-depressants

its increasing use “should be coupled with cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), with the taking of drugs a temporary stop-gap, in most cases, and not a permanent solution.” Other methods, such as counselling and herbal treatments can be equally useful in relieving stress and other symptoms that might lead to being prescribed Prozac or other similar drugs. If you are currently taking psychotropic medication, do not discontinue it without the supervision of your physician. James added that: “Both my GP and the packaging of the medicine warns strongly of the dangers of abruptly stopping the treatment. I have done this on several occasions - sometimes from absent-mindedness - and the results are not pleasant.” If you are at all worried about the medication you are taking, contact your GP or a medical professional.

STIs hidden epidemic in Wales EU student may change the law on maintenance grants By Sophie Robehmed Reporter

WALES IS facing a ferocious epidemic in sexually transmitted infections (STIs), including HIV and AIDS. Despite the international recognition of HIV and AIDS as a major problem, the disease appears to be a hidden epidemic in Wales that needs urgent attention. The statistics for Wales reveal a worrying truth. Even though the number of people living with HIV is lower than England and Scotland, levels of HIV have doubled in Wales since 1995. The lack of active communication about sex and STIs in Wales is seen as a contributing factor to the growing number of cases. David Lynch, national director of Terrence Higgins Trust Cymru (THT) argues the country can no longer afford to ignore the escalating problems: “Sexually Transmitted infections are on the increase across the board, as the population as a whole is becoming

more sexually active. In response, the THT is concentrating its resources on national health promotion campaigns targeting populations most at risk with information, condoms and services.” “Unlike England and Scotland, we have no strategy for HIV and sexual health. Apart from one or two strategies, HIV remains invisible in Wales, and it doesn’t take much to work out where we might be heading if this continue.” There is no doubt that until HIV is placed back on the health agenda as a priority, the gap will persist between those who are perceived as the healthy moral majority and the socially excluded. The scale of human loss linked to HIV and Aids is globally devastating. Yet, the biggest tragedy is the fact that it is preventable as long as governments take the appropriate public health measures. The THT organisation last year welcomed the invitation to help the Assembly’s sexual health review board, and is anticipating the news, which

will reveal whether HIV and sexual health has been included as a public health priority for Wales. In the future, Lynch states the charity’s hopes and objectives: “In brief, we will have a Welsh population who are better informed, more skilled and less fearful, knowing how to get good quality support and advice. THT believes this is possible, and we want to continue to work with the NHS and the Government across Wales to make it a reality”. Jenny Longbottom, Sabbatical Officer and member of Cardiff University’s SHAG (Sexual Health Awareness Group), said that students should be practicing safe sex. “There are free condoms available outside the SHAG office on the 3rd floor of the Union and we also do condom drop offs on the first Friday of every month at Solus.” For confidential information and advice on HIV and sexual health matters call THT Cymru on: 029 2066 6465, or THT Direct Helpline on: 0845 1221200 (calls to this number are charged at local rates).

By Zoe Baldock Reporter THE UK government could face massive additional costs towards students’ education bills after a foreign student launched legal action to get funding towards his course Dany Bidar was refused a maintenance grant on the basis that he was not ‘settled’ in the UK, having only been living here for three years before starting his course. He claims that this is an infringement of his rights to equal treatment as a European Citizen. French student Bidar’s claim against Ealing Borough Council has been given a boost after the European Court’s AttorneyGeneral backed the move. Although his opinion is not binding on the court, if it is confirmed in a final EU court verdict next year it would create an opportunity for many more foreign students to claim

money for education in the UK, although this is unlikely to significantly disadvantage home students. This has been considered a ‘new and unforeseen development in EU law’ as maintenance costs have previously been beyond the scope of EU law. The UK government is already considering how to tackle the problem of repayment of student loans by graduates who return to their home countries in the EU. The recent expansion of the European Union is believed to be behind a rise in the number of foreign students applying to study at UK universities next year. UCAS has said the number has reached a record 20,400. Many students are from the eastern European countries which recently joined the EU. A large number of these students come from families with low incomes by UK standards, and so could qualify for grants and student loans.


World News

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Peace in sight for Kashmir

INDIAN TROOPS: 1,000 left this week, with more to follow

By Paul Dicken News Editor ON WEDNESDAY November 17 nearly 1,000 Indian soldiers withdrew from Kashmir. The region that connects northern India and Pakistan has seen conflict and political wrangling dominate its landscape ever since the region was given the choice and decided to become part of India in 1947. Indian Prime Minister, Manhoman Singh, made a rare visit to the Indian controlled area of Kashmir where he announced the troops would withdraw.

He cited a decrease in separatist violence as the main reason for the reducing the numbers of Indian soldiers in the region. Despite Mr Singh’s comments, the city of Srinagar witnessed two militants being killed by Indian soldiers in a gun battle. Police made reports that two separatists had thrown grenades at soldiers less than a mile from where Mr Singh was due to give his speech. A Pakistanbased militant group claimed responsibility for the attack that also wounded two soldiers and a civilian. The Indian Prime Minister is expected to announce proposals to boost the

World watches on as Sudanese suffer By Georgie Mavrakis Reporter WHILE THE world turned their attention to the race for The White House, Sudanese security forces bulldozed a refugee camp terrorizing thousands of conflict weary Darfur villagers. A Sudanese cabinet minister denied that refugees in the El Geer camp near Nyala, the capital of South Darfur state, had been relocated against their will, saying they were taken to another camp so they could get better services. However, Jan Pronk, UN Security Council envoy to Sudan, condemned Sudanese security forces for driving several thousand refugees from the El Geer Camp on the eve of the US elections. African Union peacekeepers at the El Geer camp claim they lack power or mandate to intervene in these situations. Fergal Keane, reporting for the BBC, witnessed the lack of security stating that the refugees were “defenceless” whilst witnessing rape

Refugee Camps: troubles go on in Sudan

and murder carried out by the progovernment Janjaweed militia. Word of increasing insecurity in Darfur comes as aid agencies and human rights groups are urging tough sanctions to halt the violence there. A few months ago it seemed an agreement could be reached between the government and the rebels, but the past weeks have seen violence escalate with rebel killings continuing and security forces raiding the El Geer camp once again. Amnesty International has called for a Sudanese arms ban, saying that uncontrolled arms exports are fuelling abuses in the region.

Amnesty plea Amnesty are appealing to the UN Security Council to impose a strict arms embargo on the country. It is thought at least 1.5 million people have been displaced in the darfur region. The organisation have criticsed countries for supplying arms to Sudan, when the human rights abuses are well-publicised and ongoing. Various aid agencies have said the UN’s sanctions up to this date, have had minimal impact, while Human Rights Watch have accused rebel groups in Darfur of breaching the agreed ceasefire. The BBC’s Panorama program revealed evidence of more killings in Sudan, increasing fears of genocide in the region. It is now estimated that 70,000 people have died in the region. America have announced that the ethnic nature of the killings in Sudan mean that it is genocide. Britain awaits the result of a UN investigation.

economy of the region with $5bn investment. In Jammu-Kashmir, a general strike was called to protest at the Hindu-dominated central government’s control over the region that is mainly populated by Muslims. Comments made by Ali Shah Geelani, a pro-Pakistan leader of the Hurriyat Conference (Kashmir’s main separatist alliance), called for Manhoman Singh to apologise for the excesses his government have committed. It is thought eventually only 40,000 of India’s 500,000 strong military force

will remain in Kashmir. Mr Singh’s decision seems to have been in response to calls from the Pakistani president, General Pervez Musharraf, for more flexibility in negotiations over the Kasmir dispute, and his own proposal to completely demilitarise the territory. After Kashmir became part of India in 1947, it has been the site of two wars between India and Pakistan. In addition to the conflict, since the late 1980’s there has been increasing, often violent, separatist campaigns for independence. Religion underpins Pakistan’s claims to the Kashmir area. With 60% of the population practising Muslims, it is the only area of India that has a majority Muslim population. Mr Singh’s government have refused any proposals that would involve the redrawing of international boundaries, with a referendum also unlikely.

KASHMIR: a Pakistani soldier

French attempt to quell crisis By John Tuscany Reporter FRENCH PRESIDENT, Jacques Chirac, last week defied critics with a renewed commitment to France’s 4,000 troops in the country’s former colony, Ivory Coast. His statement came after a summit of African leaders in the Nigerian capital, Abuja, backed a draft resolution of the 15-state UN Security Council which seeks an embargo on arms to the west African country. The resolution, passed on Monday 15 November, also called for an immediate travel ban and asset freeze against anyone seen to be an obstacle to peace in Ivory Coast. Civil war was restarted in the country when the Ivorian air force broke a truce, by attacking the rebels in the conflict killing nine French soldiers. The rebels had previously ignored a

UN: issued an arms embargo

deadline for disarmament and withdrawn from the government of national unity. The air raids on rebel territory killed nine French peace-keepers and prompted a return strike from French forces, destroying all of the tiny Ivorian air force. The ensuing violence from all sides in the conflict has led more than 10,000 people to flee the country for neighbouring Liberia and thousands more ex-patriots to return to France. After independence from colonial rule, the Ivory Coast was conspicuous amongst African nations for its relatively peaceful history for more than three decades. A political coup ended this spell. The ousted leader, and the leader of the coup, Henri Bede, both adopted a xenophobic approach to the Muslim north of the country. Elections in 2000 saw a presidential candidate banned for foreign parentage and an eventual uprising that saw Laurent Gbagbo take power. In 2002, troops launched a fullscale rebellion, in support of the discontent of Muslim northerners, killing thousands. A peace deal involving French diplomats was agreed in 2003, with French and UN soldiers brought in to guard the buffer zone that separates northern rebels and government forces. Ivory Coast is an important trade partner of France, but the ceasefire agreed in 2003 has never sat well with Gbagbo and his supporters. The attacks in the north and on expatriates in the country have only increased tensions with France.

World News Round-up By Paul Dicken News Editor THE UN has reported that Afghanistan is in danger of becoming a drug state. Figures now suggest 87% of the World’s opium comes Afghani fields. Last year this represented $2.3bn in trade, over 60% of gross domestic product. The UN Office on Drugs and Crime said that the Afghani government would need support from US and Nato-led forces to carry out operations againts drug traffickers in the country. When the personal economic benefits are taken into account it is possible to see why such a large amount of the population are attracted to the production of opium poppies. The flower can earn ten times as much as growing wheat. The US are hoping to eradicate poppies and provide alternatives for farmers by spending an extra $780m on Afghanistan over the next year. President Bush’s political team underwent more re-shuffling this week. Colin Powell, described as the “last dissenting voice” in the US administration, was replaced by Condoleeza Rice, the former national security advisor. Commentators have seen the decision to make Ms Rice Secretary of State yet more confirmation that Bush’s second term will remain fixed on the principles of a global war on terror and regime change in the Middle East. Bush has described his strong-arm foreign policy as a “great calling of history”. Some republicans fear the appointment of Ms Rice is a decision taken based on personal loyalty, rather than diplomatic skills. Colin Powell had already said he would resign after serving one term, but some sources suggested his desire to stay on had been rebuffed by the administration in favour of a someone consistent with policy line. Jacques Chirac visited Tony Blair last week on the centenary year of the Entente Cordiale, an agreement signed in 1904 to mark friendly negotiations between the two countries. Blair and Chirac announced that they would continue to work together despite differences of policy in relation to Iraq. The death of Iraqi national Margaret Hassan remains surrounded by mystery, as to the reasons and nature of her killers. The aid worker was kidnapped on October 19, but unlike other hostage takings in recent months the perpertrators have not identified themselves, or their demands, in the videos released. It is thought that her captors were made up of the Sunni Islamic group that have been at the core of guerilla fighting with the American-led forces. Experts fear that the arbitrary nature of kidnappings are making Iraq increasingly dangerous and unpredictable. Margaret Hassan was working with the aid organisation Care, helping Iraqi children and disabled people in Baghdad, when she was kidnapped.


Geordie

November 22 2004

Page 9

grcolumnist@cf.ac.uk

Geordie Common sense commentary from Up North

Europe Grows Up At Last

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IPLOMATS FROM the European Union’s BritainFrance-Germany triumvirate struck a deal with Iran this weekthat will have the so-called “Axis of Evil” nation cease all uraniumenrichment processes, in the kind of agreement normally brokered by U.S. officials. Meanwhile, Spain is leading the way in reopening E.U. diplomatic channels with its former possession Cuba after a period of tension, in contrast with the United States’ continued frosty attitude to the communist nation. The E.U. has become a player on the global stage at last, and according to author Jeremy Rifkin, the ‘European Dream’ will fast replace its American counterpart. The New World was colonised in search of liberty and in the spirit of adventure. The United States as a nation was born partly out of a desire for freedom, and partly from simple nationalism; many of the original signatories to the declaration of independence were unsure of the wisdom of a total break from Britain, preferring self-governance under the Crown, but were convinced otherwise. This nationalism lives on in today’s world as a perfect reflection of Britain or France at the height of Empire-building centuries ago. The country is probably the most ethnically diverse in the world, but the minority groups seem to be united only by fierce allegiance to the flag,

T

and despite the perceived diversity there is still, in a way, a monoculture. Despite their national policy of opposition to European intervention on the west side of the Atlantic, the U.S. government will not hesitate to wade into affairs in the East. This is not necessarily a bad thing – it’s certainly helped the U.K. before now – but it is hypocritical. But then the United States has always had something of a split personality. In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, “America has been

“Sustainable development, quality of life and multilateralism”

something of a schizophrenic personality, tragically divided against herself. “On the one hand we have proudly professed the great principles of democracy, but on the other hand we have sadly practiced the very opposite of those principles.” Much of the freedom sought in colonizing North America was faithrelated, and the U.S. still bears a distinctly religious character. Although the State and Church are legally separate, the President is a Christian fundamentalist and the citizens’ rights are derived, according to the law,

Up In Smoke

HIS WEEK the government published a White Paper, “Choosing Health”, dealing with issues of public health including excessive consumption of alcohol, safe sex and healthy eating. The main issue in the document is smoking, with the intention of introducing a ban on smoking in most public places in England and Wales starting from 2006, with the Scottish parliament having just implemented a similar plan. Current polls suggest 65% support for a UK-wide ban. MSN News quoted Health Secretary John Reid as saying, “All enclosed public places and workplaces ... will be smoke-free. All restaurants will be smoke-free. All pubs and bars preparing and serving food will be smoke-free.” Pubs and bars that do not serve food will be allowed to decide for themselves whether to allow smoking on the premises. This loophole neglects the fact that these establishments are both public places and workplaces, and therefore should be subject to the ban according to the beginning of Secretary Reid’s statement. Is the health of those working in pubs that do not serve food in some way less important than that of workers in pubs that do? Or for that matter, the health of those that drink in such establishments? If a ban on public smoking does put people off going to the pub, the existence of the previously mentioned exceptions may encourage pub and bar managers to stop serving food, so they can allow smoking – as most money is still made from alcohol sales. This may have the effect of turning their premises into drink-centred businesses at a time when the government is so concerned about binge-drinking. This doesn’t seem like much of a way of improving the public health.

directly from God. Europe, on the other hand, has grown up. The E.U. constitution was finally signed in Rome last month, though it has yet to be ratified by any of the member countries. The document binds Europe in a manner many would think impossible. For twenty-five countries with such different cultures, that have fought one another with barely a pause for breath for thousands of years, to have accepted their differences, bound themselves together and agreed to work for the common good – for ‘sustainable development, quality of life and multilateralism’ – is remarkable. The ‘American Dream’, based on, “economic growth, personal wealth and independence…love of country and patriotism, frontier mentality and the unbridled exercise of power”, will before too long be a thing of the past. The ‘European Dream’ will be ready to replace it. With a population of around 450 million people, and the world’s largest economy, the E.U. is in a position to challenge or temper the use of American power, and become a superpower in its own right – though hopefully one with a bit of common sense. What of Britain the Europhobe? The U.K.’s historic ties and close relationship with the United States coupled with our position with the E.U., leaves us in the unique position of being able to act as a bridge nation linking America and Europe. But this means putting away our skepticism of all things European, maybe even learning to trust the French, and allowing ourselves to become a part of something larger than ourselves. In the E.U., the whole is greater than the sum of its parts – what Rifkin refers to as the creation of a ‘Global Consciousness’ – and we shouldn’t let a bit of national pride get in the way.

93% Arafat-free

P

RESIDENT OF the Palestinian Authority Yasser Arafat died last week in the French hospital that had been treating his mystery illness. His death came on November 11, Armistice Day, appropriately, since without his obstructions there can finally be some progress in the Middle East peace process, and a serious attempt at a mutually acceptable solution. By the Israeli and U.S. governments Arafat was seen as an obstacle to peace – an unreformed terrorist responsible for the deaths of thousands of civilians. They have a point: he was not only head of the militant Fatah faction, but also ARAFAT: The Fatah Years founded the Black September movement responsible for the murders of eight Israeli athletes in the 1972 Olympic games in Munich – ordinary people guilty of nothing more sinister than being proud to represent their country in the sporting arena. Whilst even inveterate fighter Ariel Sharon, the Israeli PM, has mellowed and learned to make the compromises necessary to achieve a lasting peace, Arafat preferred to continue fighting a fight that he knew he could never win. It was precisely the image of the Martyr - the victim he played so well - that kept him in power. Arafat’s supposed goal of Palestinian statehood could have been realised four years ago when the Israeli Prime Minister of the time, Ehud Barak, offered the Palestinian Authority a state of their own comprising Gaza, over 90% of the West Bank and sovereignty over the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem, a site sacred to Muslims, in exchange for peace. The sensible option would have been to accept such an unprecedented offer, even if it fell short of the Palestinians’ desired aims, since they could have pressed for more later with a strengthened position as a legitimate state. Yasser Arafat rejected the offer outright, a move which Saudi diplomat Prince Bandar described at the time as, “a crime against the Palestinians – in fact against the entire region.” Arafat failed even to offer a counterproposal, recognising that, in the words of U.S. negotiator Dennis Ross, “To end the conflict is to end himself.” He chose instead to order preparation for another uprising, correctly predicting that renewed violence would result in the election of the hard-line, right-wing Likud party to power in Israel, thus further prolonging the conflict and strengthening his own position. The Israeli government still craves peace, as evidenced by their planned unilateral disengagement from the Gaza strip. The move has proven to be unpopular, since many in the Israel parliament fear that withdrawal will be seen as a retreat under fire, whilst the widely-held belief of the Palestinians is that the pullout is to ‘secure a hold on the West Bank’. The controversial protective barrier sealing off Israel from attacks from within the disputed territory proves the falsehood in this assumption: one does not build a wall to divide one’s own country, but rather as a dividing line between two states. If the Palestinian Authority can find a successor to Arafat that is willing to make concessions then the peace process could swiftly get back on track.

It’s good, but it’s not the one

Different chords, same song

AGREE? DISAGREE? EMAIL ME AND IF IT’S ANY GOOD, YOU’RE PROBABLY AN ETHICAL THIRD-YEAR


Editorial & Opinion

Page 10

November 22 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd

FREE WORDS Best in show

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o be acknowledged as the best in your field is always a remarkable achievement but the win for gair rhydd at the NUS/Daily Mirror awards was truly a hard fought battle. The competition this year was stronger than ever, with papers such as the Leeds Student upping their game, and other contenders such as Warwick Boar not even making the shortlist. And although it was disappointment on the night for the five individual nominees the joy on everybody’s faces after winning the award more than made up for the near-misses. But nobody can take away from the hard work that Tristan Thomas and Alex Macpherson put in last year. Not only did they inspire a team of 50 sections editors and hundreds of writers to put in the extra effort, they also redesigned the paper and created a magazine from scratch. It can sometimes be easy to take any student newspaper for granted, but this belies the amount of hours Thomas and Macpherson put in – sometimes putting in 40-hour stints with minimum sleep to get the paper and magazine looking so good. The pressure may now be on us to replicate the success next year but, for now, it’s time to let last year’s editors have their time in the sun – they deserve it.

James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Shaz: the one who’s blown her loan

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haz has been sitting on her bed for two hours now. She’s surrounded by screwed up bits of paper, crumpled till receipts, coffee-stained bank statements and one rather sad looking £10 note – the remains of her loan, and all that she has left to last her ‘til Christmas. Shaz is broke. She just can’t see where the money’s all gone. Granted, just over £600 has gone on rent, but then her summer savings covered that. Oh, and £120 was spent on books, but no, granny paid for those ("anything to help your education, dear").

With the dramatic thought of soon not even having enough to buy an O’Brien’s sandwich, Shaz has decided it’s high time to be an adult and take control of her finances. On a blank page of A4 she’s proudly drawn out with her pink highlighter two columns, titled ‘Income’ and ‘Expenditure’, and has set about assessing her last three months of transactions. £30 for last Saturday night (Sam’s birthday), £36 spent at the new Zara (top for Helena’s party), numerous transactions at Threshers (alcohol – that doesn’t count), oh yeah, and the printer/scanner/copier combo, £159 in

the Dixon’s Autumn Sale (sale, so technically she saved money there). It soon becomes apparent that Shaz has somewhat of an addiction for withdrawing money when drunk. In one week alone there were four withdrawals totalling just under £100 all made after midnight, and she can’t remember making one of them. But then, that was the week of her housemates’ 21st. She justifies buying clothes by the fact that she can always return them if she doesn’t like them. However, when showing her housemates her new Diesel jeans ("the price just means

they’re good quality") she accidentally spilt a glass of red wine, splashing all over her left leg. Still, she’ll get loads of use out of them. With nothing left to sell on e-bay ("I need that digital camera") the prospect of her getting a job looms ever closer. It’s either that or begging her bank for an extension on her overdraft. Two weeks later and Shaz is seen treating herself to some new shoes and a bottle of wine before a big night out. And why not: she’s now worked 4 solid hours for Jobshop. She earned that £21.75 – she’s going to bloody well enjoy it.

the mix is entirely misplaced because he wasn’t at the official backslapping lets-get-our-photos-taken-together love-in recording. Two: Dizzee Rascal’s rap is horribly misguided. Three: the entire second half of the song, during which the entire motley crew, (none of whom are in any way distinguishable from each other) blast half the chorus repeatedly until it gets washed over by degenerative noise, is similarly inexcuseable. But hey, Joss Stone gets to ad-lib wordless melodies over the top, so that’s the nouveaujazz angle covered. Sonically it’s a mess. A mess caused by rush-recording, rush-releasing, and trying too hard to be cutting edge, and cutting the corners off attempting to do so.

It can work: BBC1’s marketing scam-cum-charity record “Perfect Day”, despite missing the entire point of the lyrics, was passable because the monkeys were given lines that suited their voice, and even the unexplainable contributors (one assumes Evan Dando was busking outside the studio at the time) nailed their part. Even her from M People. The reason it sold bucket loads, and deserved to, was because it was clear time and effort went into the recording. Not a phone call to Sir Bob saying “here – Live Aid’s being released on DVD without Led Zeppelin on and the public might want something similarly atrocious to take their place, Bob” in sight. A better example was the BBC’s follow-up: A shambolic cover of “It’s

Only Rock n’ Roll But I Like It”, which featured luminaries such as Kid Rock and stalled at number 19 in the chart, a disasterous underselling. There are people who won’t buy the single because it’s no good. This will single-handedly be the fault of the creators of the song. The original was a likeable, record which is now synonymous with Christmas. Band Aid 20 is a Lionel Ritchies face of a reconstruction: A crass, under-performed song, masquarading as a middle-aged consumer’s idea of state-in-the-art pop. Buy it. You are being conned, but for once, the purpetrators need the money more than you do. Everyone, let’s be suckers for once.

Band Aid needs plastering up By Bastian Springs

S

o, OK guys, Band Aid. It’s rubbish. Was anyone expecting it not to be? Was anyone rubbing their hands, getting up early at 8am last Tuesday tuned into Radio 1 for the first exclusive play? Don’t lie to me, you weren’t. The justifiably apathetic desire for this year’s novelty Christmas hit is sweeping the nation. It matters not one whit that the third instalment of the Band Aid license is wetter than a flash-flood in your mattress, cos it’s for charidee, right? Wrong! There are over five thousand things wrong with this record: One: Robbie Williams’ line is obviously recorded on the first take, and

Hall or nothing ANOTHER WEEK – another burglary and, for the second time this year, a victim living in University Halls of Residence. Like Lewis Kenny in Gordon Hall, Becky Crean is the victim of a burglary that should never have been. This isn’t to say that halls of residence are unsafe – on the contrary it is widely acknowledged that students are safer in halls than in privately rented accommodation. But this latest episode will do little to inspire confidence among freshers, especially those in the smaller halls. All credit to the Residences division - as soon as they’ve been altered to a problem, they act quickly to secure the area. But it does beg the question why such areas were not properly secure in the first place. No area will be completely crime free but, aside from the usual petty thefts, halls are safer than your average student house. Add to this twenty-four hour security patrols and the majority of thieves will get little change from halls. This is why major lapses, such as the Cartwright Court break-in, are such a cause for concern. Not only does the Residences division now need to re-evaluate security on campus, they also need to rebuild the confidence of students, worried that they may be the next victim.

Ed Vanstone’s

ROOM 101

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here are many things that belong in room 101: Bryan Adams, The Daily Mail, Watermelon flavoured alcopops and the two curry stains I have just noticed on my favourite light blue T-shirt to name but a few. For me, however, there is a more pressing item than all of the afore mentioned that has been plaguing our society for too long and needs to be expunged quickly before it causes any further distress (it is, I notice, much like George Bush in this respect). I speak, of course, of the dreaded exclamation mark. ‘The exclamation mark?’ I hear you cry. In a world full of evil tyrants, tomatoes and Lisa Riley you have

chosen the exclamation mark to go into Room 101? Get out and never return, you are banished henceforth thou ignorant infidel and try using bleach on your T-shirt for goodness sake. But allow me to present my case. Observe the effect of the exclamation mark on the following sentence: I had a great time last night, I was absolutely wasted! Notice how, due to the exclamation mark, the voice metamorphoses from your everyday person to an overexcited braggart who you instantly want to punch. Annoying indeed, but this is just the tip of the iceberg my friends, there are far worse uses of this cursed punctuation tool. It has been known for people to use (whisper it) multiple

exclamation marks, usually in the following type of way: Come to my party on the seventeenth, fancy dress compulsory!!!!! Do people who do this not realise that they appear clinically insane? Who is going to go to this party? Nobody who values their life. I sure as hell wouldn’t go, who knows what kind of dribbling nutter lurks behind this terrifying invitation. They will definitely own at least three different types of chainsaw, of that there can be no question. Steel yourselves readers, for there is another even worse exclamation crime that is occasionally committed in our society. Take a deep breath…I’m sure

at some point everyone has seen one of these: Fancy trying something a bit new?!?!?!!! Please don’t look at it for too long. Anyone who does this should be instantly put in a white padded room and observed through a small window by people with glasses forever. I try to love all the people, and so, instead of my initial plan of administering three warnings and then throwing offenders in jail for life I’m putting the exclamation mark into Room 101.

gropinion@cf.ac.uk


November 22 2004

Editorial & Opinion

Page 11

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Not dressed like that mate... The bouncer’s lot is not a happy one. James Anthony pays homage to the thankless job of the nightclub doorman

I

n a previous Room 101 (gr 774), Andrew Rennison launched a tirade against what he called “Wanker-bouncers”. Whilst the piece conformed to many stereotypes of student media (witness Problem Page Matt’s breakdown of student stereotypy on page 36 of this very issue), it was also, with hindsight, potentially offensive to the security staff at the union, who do a commendable job ensuring that the riotous drunken nights at our union do not end in abject tragedy.

done themselves some sort of mischief by now if the security staff were not there. Blimey, you say. I hadn’t thought of that. This room is starting to piss me off. Yeah, I say, I bet it is. Now comes the news that, as a bouncer, you have to attend this room, and do your duty, for hours on end, several times a week, every week. Again, and again, and again. You can begin to understand why some of them lose their patience with the students occa-

“Combine the

“Ever been the

two, and the potential for feeble-mindedness is incredible”

only sober person in a room full of pissheads?”

The piece espouses the typical bouncer clichés, which is all well and good, but then makes the grave mistake of including a bouncer’s response to absent NUS cards. This would immediately bracket the union staff in his generalisation. In his defence, Rennison does begin his piece with “this is a rather unfair generalisation”, and ends it with “most bouncers do a fine measured job”. However, the former is then ignored and the latter is poor recompense for a somewhat unfair slating throughout. Playing the piece for laughs does not disguise or alleviate the harm this could do in relations between the union staff and the student body. The service that the security staff provide is indispensable, often

tedious, and almost always without thanks, particularly from a student population who either treat them with derision, or like barely visible furniture. In fact, the only reason they are able to go out of an evening and indulge themselves to the point of excess (and often further), is that the building is required by law to be staffed by people ensuring the safety of its inhabitants. Ever been the only sober person in a room full of piss-heads? It is one of the most infuriating things on God’s green earth. Initially, it makes one want to get pissed oneself. After about fifteen minutes, this wears off, replaced by a desire to kill every drunken fool in the room. This isn’t

rocket science. Drunken people are idiots. For the most part (and as one, I include myself in this “unfair generalisation”), students are idiots. Combine the two, and the potential for feeble-mindedness is incredible.

“I’d be on top

of the building with an Armalite AR10 assault rifle”

But then, you could leave the room at any time. Your security staff can’t.

They are trapped there, prisoners of the wage-slave-trade. You’re probably imagining a room with a few people in it, probably the size of your lounge. The union bouncers are forced to deal with a house with many rooms of piss-heads, with a capacity of 1500+. That’s a lot of drunk morons. OK, you say. I have a strong will, I can ignore their tomfoolery. Fair enough, but a bouncer’s JOB is to keep an eye on you; make sure you come to no harm. He or she is forced to involve themselves in your business. Every single drunkard. Many a student would have been beaten up / set themselves on fire / fallen over / beaten someone up, or otherwise

sionally. If that was me, I would be on top of the building with an Armalite AR10 assault rifle and a telescopic sight, taking out my frustrations on every little mullet-headed prick stumbling down those steps. I would be doing my Lee Harvey Oswald impression by the end of my first day. Some of the staff at the union have been there for years. So next time you’re put at the union, give thanks and praise to whichever god you worship that the security staff are there. Treat them with some respect and decorum, because otherwise there would be no piss-ups at the union at all. You should also be thanking your lucky stars that none of them quit, because me and my rifle might just apply for that job. I could do with the money.

Famous for being famous By Megan Connor

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ust take one look at this year’s line-ups for celebrity reality TV shows and you too might find yourself wondering what the jellytot the term ‘celebrity’ has come to categorise these days. We’ve said goodbye to the times when genuinely talented or exceptionally beautiful people earned their fame and managed to hold onto it for the right reasons, and said hello in one way or another (boys…) to a brand new sub-genre of celeb: the media whore. Less worthy of celeb status than the failed pop star/actor/comedian (they must have had some talent), the media whore is neither exceptionally beautiful nor talented at anything, apart from

‘kissing’ and telling. Think Jodie Marsh or Abi Titmuss if you’re stuck for examples, or in fact, anyone you wouldn’t find on TV unless they were advertising their latest shag story, making a documentary about their fucked up life, in a home made porno, or of course, in the latest reality TV show. When I say media whore, I’m not just talking about someone who grabs too many column inches per se, but basically an all round slapper, who hits headlines for grabbing a famous bloke’s naughty bits or other women’s tits. Usually a regular at Trap nightclub, the media whore is annoyingly quite clever at what she does (and not much else) because she always finds a way into her favourite spot. Whether that’s an intimate area of a person, the front page of a tabloid or a better night-

club, I don’t know, but what I have gathered is that wearing very little or shagging half the nightclub isn’t enough for the media whore - we could all do that. Boasting about the conquest is the real pleasure, or at least the bit that earns the cash, especially if the shag is more famous than her, or an ex, current partner or relation of someone more famous. I only need mention the names, Loos and Beckham; Jodie, Kian Westlife, Calum Best and Dane Bowers; Abi, John and god knows who else, and you’re thinking, ‘Why do we even care about these people?’ Answers on the back of a postcard if you want to answer, but there aren’t any prizes: it can only be because the world loves to see boobs and read about filthy sex scandals on the way to work.

Sad but true, people care more about this kind of stuff than anything else going on in the world at present and it’s plain to see in the choice of front-page stories and Reality TV contestants. It’s not just the dirty builders and lorry drivers that buy it and discuss it over their bacon butties, teenage girls at school want to call their babies Paris, Jodie, and Jordan. The high street honeys of FHM and other model types aspire to be them. Even nice, respectable Colin on Radio One wouldn’t mind a bit of Paris Hilton and for very simple reasons, ‘She’s got the IQ of a hamster but she looks great and I’d like to sleep with her’. Surely if being a celebrity is as simple as having a nice body, average face and the balls to try and shag the whole circuit, then what kind of role

models are we to have? Paris, admittedly, is pretty, and like she says, ‘If you have a beautiful face, you don’t need fake boobs to get anyone’s attention’. So why, my lovely, do you think making your own grubby porn video isn’t seeking attention? In a world where nothing is sacred, let’s just hope the real celebs of this world can stay on top (no pun intended), by boasting talent and class instead of arse, and refusing to stoop to the desperate levels of media whoring and Reality TV.

Want to contribute to the gair rhydd? Meetings every Monday at 1.15.


Political Opinion

Page 12

November 22 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Turkish delights The begininning of the end By Andrew Mickel

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f you are anything like me then Turkey can seem a world away from what is considered to be ‘European’. Then again, if you’re anything like me then you will have been raised to believe that Europe consists of France, Germany, Italy, Spain, and the little countries that flood regularly. The EU enlarged out to central Europe earlier this year, but now the Turkey question that has dogged it for 30 years is finally coming to a head; is it really European? And should it be allowed to join? The EU has an obligation to allow any European country that observes basic criteria to join. Since 1967, Turkey has had association status and has been busy changing its very nature to meet EU standards.

“Criticism so far has come from the world’s one remaining absolute dicttorship” It has been a proven member of the West for decades, improved its human rights record, severed many links that the military held over the government, and abolished the death penalty. In the same period of 37 years, the EU has made the corresponding achievement of postponing a decision on accession to Turkey. Even now, it is being left up to December to provide a definite answer (although ‘definite’ has arguably become a rather flexible term when dealing with the Turks).

Economic Problems So what grounds are there to keep Turkey out, after it has made so much effort? To some extent, they are the same criticisms made in the last wave of enlargement about economic disparity and potential migration. The scale of Turkey’s economic problems is vast but the economy is growing fast. If the economy can be stabilised then the EU will have succeeded. As for immigration, the Daily Express need not keep itself awake at night because immigration numbers would be capped as a temporary measure until Turkey has become a stable member of the Union. The real problems instead spring from a cultural and religious divide. The EU was originally set up on a Judeo-Christian tradition that all of Europe shares. It is true that Turkey is special in straddling Asia and Europe.

It does however say a lot about the situation that the most ardent opposition to Turkey’s admission on these grounds has come from a Cardinal, who has objected to accepting such a different cultural voice into the European fray. The remaining criticism soon breaks down to vague references to a ‘clash of cultures’, which largely is short hand for blocking Muslim admission to the EU. So the most robust cultural criticism so far has come from the world’s one remaining absolute dictatorship. The fact is that, no matter what the origins of the EU, the Church is supposed to be entirely divorced from the State. Religion, as long as it is kept out of politics, really has no bearing on the decision. Indeed, Turkey has taken to life as a secular republic with such remarkable speed, that arguably Greece and Italy are now more religious. It really is time for the EU to move beyond it’s origins and acknowledge that politics is now a secular phenomenon. That is the new European tradition. It is notable that much of the support for Turkish admission seems to ignore the country itself and has focused on seeing the country as some kind of Western Trojan Horse to bring democracy to the Middle East. Indeed, the EU will suddenly find itself with a border to Iraq, Syria and the Caucasus. But these arguments do seem to have become stretched to the point of becoming a political Deus-Ex solution to peace in the region.

A stabilising influence While the EU does have a proven track record of being able to stabilise and reform countries at its borders with the prospect of membership, the importance of access to the Middle East and the Caucasus shouldn’t be overstated. At the same time, the ability of the EU to cement Turkey’s political freedom from both religious fundamentalism and secular militarism would be an achievement in itself; there doesn’t need to be a greater justification for accepting the country. The Turkish question has raised one clear point, and that is that the EU needs to examine how it is going to expand in the future. At the moment, it doesn’t have any statesmen to direct such grand projects. Instead, it bumbles along until it reaches a decision that often leaves many parties dissatisfied, the population sceptical and any structure to future plans unclear. As it is, the Turkish issue was left far too long, and once again it seems a matter of luck rather than design that it is drifting to accept Turkey. So perhaps it is time to reconsider how the EU is led and orientated before it unwittingly drifts into a burden that would truly be too great to consider. Syria, anyone?

Daniel Ashcroft reviews the situation in Iraq leading up to the elections

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espite hundreds perishing in Fallujah last week, and hundreds more marching on Mosul in the forthcoming days, Iraq continues to look forward to a new regime. A regime without dictation, without controversy and without the chaos that sparked the brutal genocide of 250,000 Iraqis during Saddam Hussain’s term. Although nothing is set in stone, elections in Iraq have officially been scheduled for late January 2005. Iyad Allawi, the interim Prime Minister, has however made it clear just how much of a challenge this deadline will prove to be.

“The situation is still unresolved in terms of complete control” The task of ensuring that two-thirds of the Iraqi public make the ballots next year is a challenging one, enforced by the possibility of British

forces sending in a further 1,300 troops in forthcoming months to suppress any backlash from rebel forces. Lieutenant General John McColl, Britain’s senior general in Iraq, this week told The Times that "there may be a request to surge additional forces into Iraq in the run-up to the elections". Such a turnaround was not thought possible even three months ago, a time when tens of coalition and Iraqi troops were dying by the day. Although the situation is still unresolved in terms of complete control, numbers are down and morale is up. This has clearly been reflected in Iyad Allawi’s growing presence in Iraq, which was last week enforced by his visit to pay homage to the coalition troops in hostile Fallujah. Even if the elections are put back until later next year, it does signify the start of a new period of Iraqi governing. For example, a single national voting register will be comprised to ensure that each region within Iraq has an equal say in the administrative process, whether it be the Kurds in the north or the Shias in the central and south. In light of the ground gained over the past few months, one of the Shias’ Grand Ayatollah, Ali al-Sistani, declared "the failure to register is a

betrayal of the nation". This view has been upheld by the Kurds who will no doubt turn out for elections in large numbers, just as they have over the past two decades. If all goes well, by 2006 Iraq should have a stable government in place; a cabinet capable of governing itself on policies ranging from education to national security.

“Such a turnaround was not thought possible even three months ago” However, the one obstacle that could hinder the progress of such a westernised order is the Iraqi Islamic Party, a group from the Sunni region, who have joined Iyad Allawi’s expanding political vortex despite opposition of much of his policy. Fortunately, as long as the Kurds and the Shias turn out in substantial force in the forthcoming elections (a turnout of around 60 per cent is necessary), opinions will be justified that Iraq is finally nearing the beginning of the end to political darkness.

Is Palestine any better off? By Daniel Stanton

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he death of Yasser Arafat on November 11 produced more criticism than eulogising. He will be remembered by many for the terrorist strategies with which he began his political career, such as condoning the hijacking of aeroplanes to promote the cause of the Palestinian people, but in 1988 when he publicly renounced terrorism he began to move into the role of a peacemaker. He risked the wrath of his people by offering up more than seven per cent of Palestine’s homeland to Israel as a settlement. Merely recognising Israel’s right to exist alongside Palestine was a bold move and contributed to the joint Nobel Peace Prize he was awarded in 1993. Arafat’s leadership featured years of violence from militant parties within the Palestinian Liberation Organisation (PLO). His decision not to condemn acts such as suicide bombings was criticised abroad, but his task was to unite the people of his country. In his last days, the prospect of peace with Israel seemed nearer than ever; now, without a strong leader, the future is not so clear. Israel may not

even follow through on the proposals they made last month to partially withdraw from the Gaza Strip and West Bank. It will be interesting to see where the peace process goes from here, after losing the man who led the PLO for 35 years and acted as a figurehead for his nation. Israel’s leader, Ariel Sharon, has been able to use the excuse that Arafat was standing in the way of peace with his stubborn refusal to come to an agreement over land. Both Bush and Sharon refused to deal with Arafat directly, and placed him under house arrest three years ago for his part in violence towards Israelis. With him out of the way there will be little reason for not resolving problems in the region.

ARAFAT: Terrorist or martyr?

The violence at Arafat’s wake on November 14, in which the acting PLO chairman Mahmoud Abbas was fired upon and two of his security guards were killed, signals that there will be a long period of transition before unity is achieved. A date has been set for the election of Arafat’s successor, but there could be many more internal battles before it

“There will be a long period of transition before unity is achieved” takes place on January 9 2005. The fate of the peace process depends on the style of Arafat’s successor. Someone like Abbas, who is seen to be too sympathetic to Israel and the US, may not command the respect of his own people. But a leader from the militant factions within the PLO, such as Marwan Barghouti of Fatah, would be unlikely to be diplomatic in his dealings with Israel. Israel and America may not have been happy to deal with Arafat, but time will tell whether he was the one holding back the peace process.

Question your local MP MPs! What on earth do they do all day? What are they for? How much do they really earn? Jon Owen Jones, Labour MP for Cardiff Central, is giving Cardiff students the chance to have their questions answered. If you want to know what our local MP is doing for the area then send in your questions to us and we will put them to the man himself! Email us at gropinion@cf.ac.uk


Media

Page 14

November 22 2004

grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Simply the best paper

gair rhydd wins Best Student Paper of the year

By Bec Storey Media Editor air rhydd left London this weekend with one of the most prestigious awards in student media. Cardiff University now officially has the Best Student Newspaper in Britain. The award was presented to the team at the Daily Mirror and NUS annual awards ceromony last Saturday Novemember 13.

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EDITORS: Alex and Tristan

This was the 57th National Student Journalism Awards, the oldest and most prestigious awards in student journalism. Students can enter their work into a total of fifteen categories, including ‘Best Paper’ and ‘Best Magazine’, but also categories covering a diverse range over all aspects of media.

Nominations gair rhydd was nominated for an impressive six awards: Riath AlSamarrai and David Williams were both up for Best Sports journalist, Jamie Fullerton for Best Arts Journalist, Laura Tovey was nominated for Best Travel Journalist, and Ian Loynd was up for the Diversity award. gair rhydd was up against old rivals York Vision who had won the title the previous year and had picked up the Guardian Students awards for ‘Best Paper’ two days previous. The awards followed a day of intensive media training for the nominees at The Marriot Hotel, Canary Wharf, where workshops and debates were offered by some of the best in the business ranging from ‘how to be a good editor’ to ‘interviewing celebraties’. The evening then continued on to the East Winter Gardens in Canary Wharf for a glittering award cero-

mory. There was even a chocolate fountain where guests were invited to dip various pieces of fruit into the running chocolate. The esteemed judges included guardian columist, Laurie Lee Davis, News editor of Empire magazine, Channel 5 newsreader, Louisa Preston and the Mirror groups Political editor, David Seymour. Seymour believes “Student newspapers are the breeding ground for the next generation of national newspapers. The experience gained on a student newspaper is invaluable and we are delighted to be playing our part in nurturing that talent.”

Top Prizes As well as the fantastic kudos of winning the top prize gair rhydd came away with £500 and work experience on the Mirror for Tristan Thomas. All winners at the event either won a cash prize or valuble work experiance at the Daily Mirror. Any student involved in student media knows how much effort goes into them and that these awards are a great chance to celebrate hard work and have their work recognised. NUS National Secretary James Lloyd said: “From the standard displayed in this year’s entries, I expect

WINNERS: The team go up to collect their Best Student Paper award to see these names in print more regularly over the coming years as journalists on some of the UK’s biggest media titles.” The night was also a time for members that have now moved on from Cardiff Univeristy to catch up. gair rhydd’s last years editor, Tristan Thomas was there to collect the award along with his deputy editor, Alex Macpherson. Tristan was the first to reach the stage and collect the award; “This makes the hard work and the sleepless nights worth it. I don’t believe

that people realise how much of your student life is given over to gair rhydd.” He also wanted to especially thank his deputy of last year Alex and “everyone who has written a word for us or taken a photo.” Increasingly ambitous standards are set every year at the gair rhydd and everyone who gets involved becomes obsessed with making it the best student paper. With this award the pressure is now on the current set of editors to repeat the success next year.

The Guardian Student Awards

Quench celebrates a second-place for Best Student Magazine in its first year

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uench came home celebrating after the annual Guardian Student Media awards. On Wednesday November 10, the 26th annual Guardian student media awards ceremony took place in London. A celebration of student media that saw Cardiff ’s own Quench named as runner-up in the magazine of the year category. The University of York took the top prizes with their paper York Vision named newspaper of the year for the third year running as well as runner up in the small-budget category. York Vision’s editor John Bentham was also crowned journalist of the year, with fellow York student Jacob Mukherjee being awarded diversity writer. York successfully fought off competition for the top spot from Oxford University and University of Bournemouth to scoop newspaper of the year. York Vision being praised by the judges as "Very good-looking with conviction and energy throughout."

Leeds University was named runner up with their paper the ambitious and strong Leeds Student, complimented on its handling of difficult topics. Quench came a close second to the stylish Isis of Oxford University in the magazine of the year category. Cardiff University’s magazine fought off Nerve Magazine from the University of Bournemouth; Smiths, of Goldsmiths College, London and Concrete, by the University of East Anglia to claim the runners up spot.

“many thanks to everyone who made Quench awardwinning” Alex McPherson, last year’s editor is very pleased with the award passing on "many thanks to everyone who made Quench the award-winning thing that it is". Alex is also hopeful for this year’s team wishing them the "best of luck". Alex also stated that last year’s team had "set the standard"

upon which this year’s team can hopefully build and improve. The event was hosted by Simon Amstell who Alex described as "bloody hilarious" and the categories were judged by some of media’s great and good including Jon Snow of channel 4 news and Alan Rusbridger editor of the Guardian. Prizes included work experience with the Guardian, a six-week placement with Sky news as well as flights from Easyjet and cash prizes. The shortlists pick out many of the countries hottest young media talent with students and Universities from across Britain listed. York Vision did not entirely dominate proceedings in spite of its strength with institutions like The Royal College of Art and Southampton Institute also picked out, making the event truly inclusive. Categories also cover a wide range of disciplines including photographer of the year won by Esther Teichmann of the Royal College of Art and critic of the year taken by Steve Dinneen, Glasgow University Guardian. Nearly every aspect of print media is covered and celebrated including design of both publications won by Soup, Kent Institute of Art & Design;

and websites won by University of Southampton. The awards followed a day of comprehensive seminars run by the Guardian for selected student jouranlists from over forty univerity publications. The seminars were run by members of the industry, including editor-in-chief of the Guardian, Heat magazines editor and fashion editor of the Guardian. The day offered a chance to make contacts within the

industry and to exchange ideas on each others publications. The Guardian Student media awards are just one of many such celebrations of the discipline of student journalism. Such recognition just emphasises the effort of all of Cardiff’s media teams of both Gair Rhydd and Quench and clearly shows the fantastic job that they are doing.

Photos: Ian Loynd

By Charleigh Smith Media Correspondant

AWARD WINNERS: James Anthony, Gary Andrews and Leigh Debbage


Jobs & Money

Page 16

November 22nd 2004

grjobsandmoney@cf.ac.uk

Daydream Believers By Carly O’Donnell and Sara Reid Jobs and Money Reporters

“Hi, my name’s Stuart and I’m a second year English Literature student. I haven’t given too much consideration to what I want to do when I graduate but the only career that has interested me is publishing. Trouble is I don’t really know what it entails. I was hoping you could give me some advice on how to get started?”

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s I’m in my fourth year of study, I understand all too well that soon the safety net provided by our institutionalised education will soon be taken away. It’s crunch time; time to address that question that condescending adults have thrown at children across the land since time began "So what do you want to do when you grow up?" At the age of eight I answered like

“He proceeded to give me a very impressive sample of a clown dance” most small girls "I want to be an air hostess" without the faintest consideration that this might actually involve flying (I didn’t like aeroplanes). Today, when the dreaded question is asked most of us have an idea of our dream job. Of course whether it is obtainable, or practical for that matter, is another story completely. As I mused on the idea that I might not be the only person in Cardiff who would not be obtaining that childhood dream job I decided to investigate further.

Ask the Experts

CLOWNING GLORY: Is this your dream job? The first willing subject I encountered was Chloe Forbes, 22, student of European Union Studies and French, and she dreams of being a Politician. Being a lover of politics (yes they do exist), she would like to be a member of parliament or better still, a member of the European Parliament in Brussels. "You never know, one day I might be a future Prime Minister" she cheerfully states. To which I ask: "So are you going to be the next Iron Lady?" She replied admirably "No, because I believe in social inclusion." Can’t say fairer than that can you? Satisfied that I may have stumbled upon our next female Prime Minister, I continued on my journey through dream jobsville. Next up, Paul Newbolt, 24, a Postgraduate in Bio-Chemistry: "I haven’t yet found my dream job but I wouldn’t mind being a clown dancer." He may have been mocking me, so continued to quiz the young man by asking if he would like to join a circus? He responded "I am a clown, I have the experience but not the qualifications." So what about the dancing part?" "Well I have been a member of Cardiff dance sport for five years." He sensed my disbelief, and proceeded to give me a very impressive sample of a clown dance. My next willing subject was Edward Hudson, 21 and a Spanish student, he says his dream job is to work as a football interpreter. Being unaware that footballers were able to communicate in any language I asked him to elaborate a bit: "I see myself translating from English to Spanish and vice versa for players like David Beckham in interviews." This

POWER OF TRANSLATION: Mi llamo David

was a job I could get on board with. The chance to hang out with gorgeous footballers, in glamorous locations earning loads of money. I might have stolen the dream job for myself and allowed the previous owner to suffer an "unfortunate accident" had it not been for the problem of a second language, ie I don’t have one. So instead of taunting him with a prison sentence I asked him what drives him to want the job. "My ambition is to be successful and apply what I have learnt at university in a practical job." So what was he planning to do after university to put his knowledge to good use and step closer to his dream job? "I want to work in a factory for a few months and then enter the Great

“so far I had encountered a Prime minister, a clown, a believer and a football translator. No-one can excuse Cardiff of being dull” Wall of China marathon." Perhaps we are dealing with a chap of many aspirations but I didn’t quite see the link between China and football. Moving on. I had not yet found a dream job and I began to consider the possibility that it didn’t exist. I almost gave up my quest until I met I met Nkiru Onyechi, 23, studying French and Spanish who revived my faith. Her dream job is "something that involves travelling. I intend to relax for about a year, then my dream job will perhaps spring to mind. I don’t mind as long as I earn a bit of money."

A commendable attitude. After all, how can we really know what our dream job is when most of us have never experienced any kind of a job. I decided the search for my dream job was over; just like Orlando Bloom Eventually they would both come and find me. So far I had encountered a Prime Minister, a clown, a believer and a footballer translator. No one can accuse the streets of Cardiff of being dull. Pier Francesco Amoroso, 27 wandered into view and became dream job candidate number five. Francesco is doing a MSc in oral surgery and his dream job is to be "a football player or a surfer. I would love to move from country to country chasing the sun." The bells began to ring in my head, isn’t Italy’s most famous football player called Amoroso? Could this be the start of my career as a football translator? Has my dream job found me at last? I believe so and I’m fairly sure Orlando Bloom is on his way to my house to declare undying love. Sadly I was a little presumptuous. My footballer adds that he would also like to be an oral surgeon. Clearly too intelligent to be a footballer then. I asked him to elaborate further: "Oral surgeons work in a hospital, often in theatre and pull out peoples wisdom teeth." State the obvious why don’t you? Perhaps he was a footballer after all. I asked him what drives a person to do this to which he simply replied: "I like it." Well, it wouldn’t be a dream job if you hated it. My journey is over. I am weary from questions and bewildered by answers. I muse once more: what is the likelihood of our dreams becoming reality? Belief that it is achievable is undeniably essential, we only have one life as Joe Bloggs. Take a shot and if all fails just remember there's always someone with a crappier job than you. Sit back and feel smug because you never know, you might have someone else’s dream job.

Dear Stuart, there are several routes into publishing. Probably the most common route is to initially gain unpaid work experience, or perhaps gain a clerical ‘temping’ position in a publishing company, and then, armed with this experience, apply for junior positions such as Production Assistant or Editorial Assistant, and work your way up from there. Some publishers advertise for graduate staff in The Guardian (Mon and Sat), The Bookseller, or Publishing News but would generally be looking for evidence of previous work experience. Another route is through formal graduate training schemes although only a small number of publishers offer these. Macmillan, Penguin and Haymarket Publishing are amongst those who sometimes do, but competition for their schemes is fierce of course. A further option is to boost your skills through a one year postgraduate course in Publishing and Printing. A list of such courses is available in the AGCAS Vocational Course Survey available at the Careers Centre 5 Corbett Road. If you don’t want to undertake a lengthy full time course there are also short courses (including distance learning courses) available, covering specific skills such as proofreading, at the Publishing Training Centre in London just look online at www.train4publishing.co.uk Graduate jobs in publishing include Editorial Assistant, Proof Reader, Production Assistant, Sales /Marketing Executive. For further details of what these jobs entail collect a free copy of the AGCAS booklet ‘Publishing Sector’ from the Careers Centre or log onto www.prospects.ac.uk. Also see The Writers and Artists Yearbook for a listing of book publishers in the UK.

If you have any questions for the career department then please email them to us at:

grjobs@cf.ac.uk

None of us actually have jobs, so we’ll pass them on to someone who does!


Jobs & Money

November 22 2004

Page 17

grjobsandmoney@cf.ac.uk

Student Funding: Misallocation? By Tom Scobie Jobs and Money Editor STUDENTS INCREASINGLY have to shoulder the cost of their time at university, often amassing huge student debt. These large increases have been blamed on government planning regarding financial support in higher education. The old system of means-tested grants was replaced in the late 1990s by loans repayable on an income-contingent basis once employed. Currently, the national student loan debt stands at £14billion, an increase of 18.7 percent on last year. The total student debt including debit and credit cards and bank loans is much higher. A report from HeriotWatt University stated that “expenditure on higher education is enormously skewed towards the middle class and Tax-payer’s money is used on getting these relatively well off people into the privileged position of university.” Those not in university do not always receive the generous support which students do, merely because their chosen path is vocational rather than academic. Students within the university system are similarly treated with inequality. The report also found that financial support from parents is not weighted heavily enough when assessing people’s entitlement to student loans. Some students received sums as high as £1000 per month from parents, yet still had entitlements to receive nonmeans tested loans and grants. This superfluous capital is often abused; many students have been known to take out the low-interest student loan and place it into a high-interest savings account, exploiting the difference in interest rates to earn themselves even more money.

As the maximum means-tested loan available to poorer students is clearly too low to live on, resulting in aid from parents or paid employment, arguably it would be better to appropriate some of the misused funds back to help those less well-off. When David Blunkett was Secretary of State for Education, one of his main reasons for abolishing grant funding was that it subsidised those benefiting from higher education at the expense of those denied access. The current climate suggests that it is those from less privileged backgrounds which will be deterred the most from entering university, due to the obligatory debt that will be incurred. The government is attempting to widen access to university, yet this won’t happen until the burden of debt is relieved from those who condemned to study under financial worry. It is unfair that poorer students have to endure paid employment to supplement their income, while those better off can devote more time to their studies. There is clearly an inadequate system in place for the appropriation of funding; affluent students receive unnecessary loans, while the poor remain under-supported and over-burdened. The Government’s bursaries scheme for poor students goes some way, but the university funding system should have a rigorous procedure of allocation, to make sure funds go to those who need them the most. The transition from public-sector assistance to that of individual funding is far from a satisfactory conclusion, meaning it will take some time before university really is a choice for all.

RICH/POOR: The divide is getting bigger

If you wish to comment on or contribute to the Jobs and Money section of gair rhydd, either by writing or creating ideas for stories contact us at:

grjobsandmoney@cf.ac.uk or come to the fourth floor of the Students’ Union.

For full details of these jobs and many others, plus information on our agency vacancies please come and see us at Unistaff Jobshop, Ground Floor, Cardiff University Students Union. Swydd/Job:

Telephone Interviewer

Swydd/Job:

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £5.15/hr Evening and Saturday shifts Ongoing An independent research and marketing company require telephone interviewers with excellent telephone manner, excellent written and spoken English to conduct interviews over the phone with the General Public * No Selling involved.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours:

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

006

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

013

Swydd/Job:

Bar and food service staff

Swydd/Job:

Mailroom Assistant

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £4.85 per hour 1 wknd shift + 2 or 3 week evenings Ongoing Bar in Cardiff Bay is looking for bar and food service staff, you must be presentable, numerate, personable, honest and reliable.

Ardal/Area: Tal/Wage: Oriau/Hours: Parhad/Duration: Manylion/Details:

Cardiff £4.85 per hour Various shifts Ongoing Market research, database management and mailing house requires mailroom assistants for various packing and lifting of brochures, bags etc. You must be reliable, dextrous, honest and hard working.

009

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

010

Rhif Cyf/Ref No:

Hosts and hostesses

Cardiff £5.50 plus Varied, including evenings and wknds Parhad/Duration: Ongoing Manylion/Details: Major events stadium are seeking hosts and hostesses to work with blue chip clients on event days. You will be looking after our guests, assisting them with their general enquiries and ensuring the smooth running of the corporate hospitality areas.

In Unistaff Jobshop we run two services, an agency (Unistaff), for one-off jobs within the University and some external companies, and a jobcentre-style service (Jobshop), for on-going part time work with external companies. Both services are free once you have registered with us.To register please bring your student card, and National Insurance card (UK students) or Passport (Non-UK students). We are open from 10-4, Monday to Friday.

Car Owner Drivers Required

Car Owner Drivers Required for local deliveries in Cardiff ■ Earn up to £9.00 per hour ■ Flexible working hours ■ And Free Pizza! Call Andrew on 07973 571141 for more information.


Science

Page 18

November 22 2004

grscience@cf.ac.uk

Cardiff Kicks Off Cancer Care Science in brief By Marielle Smith Science Reporter

Cutting out the addiction Neuroscientists in Shanghai have been performing operations they claim will cure heroin addicts of their cravings. Two holes are drilled into the skull, and metal rods inserted to burn away the part of the brain believed to be responsible for causing cravings. The procedure is usually carried out under a local anaesthetic, so that the immediate effects of the surgery can be monitored. The operation costs 40,000 Yuan (about £2,000) and since procedures began in July many long-term users have eagerly taken up the option. But, apart from some short-term psychological effects (e.g. memory loss), the long-term effects on other parts of the brain remain unclear and, due to lack of research, the technique was withdrawn on November 2. Chinese scientists insist that ethical guidelines similar to the west are followed. But, plans for such procedures in the UK would never pass ethics boards and would require much more research.

Mass extinction on the way The rate at which animal species on the planet are becoming threatened is accelerating throughout most major groups. This comes from data produced by the IUCN (International Union for the Conservation of Nature) in the 2004 Red List of Threatened Species, published on November 17. Scientists are becoming increasingly concerned about the damaging effects of human activities to wildlife, such as climate change and habitat destruction. Current extinction rates are unprecedented; we are experiencing the sixth mass extinction event in Earth’s history. But, figures from this year’s Red List suggest that this process is much more rapid than previously thought. A total of 15,568 species now face extinction - 3,300 more species than the 2003 list. Many species are even becoming extinct without having been discovered by scientists. These worrying trends show that conservation efforts cannot wait, immediate action must be taken if we are to reduce or stabilise extinction rates.

Cardiff professor puts the city at the forefront of cancer research By Chris Matthews Science Editor

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HIS WEEK Cardiff confirmed its place as one of the world’s leading cities engaged in the fight against cancer. This came as Professor Tim Maughan, Professor of Cancer Studies at the Wales College of Medicine was named as Chair elect of the National Cancer Research Network (NCRN) Committee for 2005. This network was established in 2001 and is responsible for overseeing the trials of new cancer treatments as well as supporting research undertaken by cancer charities in 14 UK based locations including Cardiff. NCRN funding goes to support research staff as well as to employ pathologists, radiologists and pharmacists. Cancer is a disease caused by stressed cells dividing rapidly and uncontrollably, these cancerous cells can damage healthy tissue and lead to tumour formation. Malignant tumour cells can break away and travel to other parts of the body, where they can form new groups of abnormal cells, called secondary growths. The spread of a cancer is made significantly faster if the lymphatic system is infected, small lymph vessels which are designed to carry blood cells can also carry cancerous cells around the body causing further tumours. Current cancer therapies are only effective in certain cases and can cause

“Medical students are paired with a particular cancer patient and their family” severe side effects, the three most commonly used are surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Surgery is designed to remove all possible traces of cancerous tissue from a patient’s body, this is not always possible and surgery, in all cases, carries significant risks. Radiotherapy uses high energy rays to destroy cancer cells. Treatment can be given either from outside the body or from within by placing a radioactive material close to the tumour. The treatment is painless, but there can be side effects. Some people feel tired and low, or get swellings, and many get a skin reaction similar to sunburn in the area being treated. Chemotherapy is treatment with strong drugs which destroy cancer cells. The drugs are often given by injection or drip. Chemotherapy can have side effects because the drugs used cause some damage to healthy cells as well. These can include hair loss, tiredness, feeling sick, vomiting and a lowering of immunity. People's sex lives can also be affected. Professor Maughan’s role at the NCRN will help to ensure that maximum resources possible are successfully employed in researching better treat-

CANCER CELL: Artist’s conception ments. The research in Cardiff and the rest of the UK is helping to develop new techniques and drugs for the better treatment of cancer. One example is the team at Manchester's Christie Hospital who showed that a new drug known as Femara reduces the likelihood of a woman dying from breast cancer by 39%. Medical undergraduate students at the University of Wales College of Medicine (now merged with Cardiff Uni) have also benefited from Professor Maughan’s experience in the field of cancer. Third year medics undertake a special study module in their third year directed by Professor Maughan, this module is quite different to other teaching methods as medical students are

paired with a particular cancer patient and their family. Sarah Tripp is a third year undergraduate medical student who is currently undertaking this oncology module. Sarah has been paired with a terminally ill cancer patient and is involved enough to have been invited to the patients home. This method of teaching allows students to see all aspects of dealing with cancer, not just the medical side but the

emotional impact on the patient and their family. Professor Maughan also works as a consultant at Velindre Cancer Centre in Whitchurch, the centre provides specialist cancer care for 1.5million people in South Wales. This facility specialises in using non-invasive treatments which do not require a patient to stay in hospital. It is hoped that this specialist care will improve a patients quality of life while recieving care.

gair rhydd isn’t just for English and Journalism students! If you’ve got an interest in any area of science and want to contribute, email the science editor at grscience@cf.ac.uk or come up to the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the union.


Demo Special

November 22 2004

Page 19

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Prepare to protest

Your pull-out poster for the National Demo

T

hursday December 2 is the day of the NUS National Demonstration against top-up

fees. There is a real chance that the Welsh Assembly could reject top-up fees - a move that could send shockwaves across the whole of the UK. gair rhydd is encouraging all Cardiff Students to get out there and march - and to help we’ve provided a handy pull out and keep poster. Extremely versatile, this poster can be used for both demo and non-demo purposes. At random, we’ve picked seven things you can do with it. 1). Stick it in your window Not only will you be helping to publicise the demo, but you’ll be in with a chance to win free stuff.

2). Make a placard with it At the risk of going all Blue Peter on you, get a pole (or plank of wood), a cardboard box, glue (or stickyback plastic) - put them altogether and you’ve got one ready-to-use placard 3). Staple it to an old T-shirt Has much the same effect as a placard, but it also means you can vandalise that embarrassing T-shirt you thought was cool, but are now too embarrassed to wear. Tumble dry low, do not bleach. 4). Make a paper aeroplane out of it Because paper plane fights are always good for livening up any event. gair rhydd insists that you wear safety goggles, to prevent eye-loss. Although the pirate look is in this year...

5). Change the letter D to an F Let’s face it, despite what some people may say, swearing is big and clever. May require marker pen and tipp-ex (not supplied). 6). Recycle it If you actually agree with fees, or are simply a lazy bastard, the least you can do is help save a few trees. Remember, now that GWB’s been reelected the planet is even more fucked. 7). Use it for toilet paper It’s not as if you utilise the rest of the paper for anything else, is it? We cannot be held responsible for chafing.

What’s going on? Thursday December 2 will be on of the most important, exciting and entertaining days of the entire year. This isn’t just another protest march - NUS and Cardiff University Students’ Union have turned the day into a carnvial of action, with jugglers, bands and funky arse disco dancers. So, once you’ve picked up your placard and pulled on your marching shoes, what’s atually going on?

■ Minibuses to take you to the Bay from 9.30am Protest starts at 11.30am ■ From Midday the march to the Government buildings in Cathays ■ Closing speeches finish at 3pm, when the party really gets going ■ The demo relocates to the Students’ Union for a night of music and drinking

Protest: Two students who picked option two

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! Want to get your hands on a demo goody bag crammed full of more free stuff than you can wave a placard at? Simply pull out the poster from the centre of gair rhydd and stick it in your downstairs window. We’ll then trawl the streets of Cardiff and select the lucky winner at random. Good luck!

Campaigns and PR Officer Tom Gough explains why you should get marching

YOU MIGHT have only just heard about the idea of top-up fees or you may have seen them coming for a while but however much you know about them, it is most important that we all stand together to stop them. Monday December 2 is not about politics, it is about the core belief that top-up fees are the wrong way to fund higher education. If they are introduced it could mean that students have to pay up to £3000 a year more for their education which would not only make you so much more skint but will mean that people won’t be able to afford education; this is fundamentally wrong.

The University has said no-one will be punished for missing lectures for the day, which means you can come along and join in the massive student event guilt-free. There’s going to be a real carnival atmosphere to the day, with dancers, jugglers, music, giveaways, balloons and T-shirts plus loads more. After the march there will be a huge party back in the Solus, kicking off at around 4.00pm going on until 2.00am. There will be a number of bands playing too, giving you a chance to not only march against top-up fees but party against them too. You could become a part of history if the Welsh Assembly decides to reject top-up fees acting as a cornerstone in British higher education. We really can make a difference because the decision is so close and every student that attends is one more reason why top-up fees shouldn’t be introduced. This may well be the only march that you will ever go on, but make sure you do because it’ll probably be the only chance to save higher education in Wales.


gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

WWW.CARDIFFSTUDENTS.COM/DUCKOFFFEES

December 2 2004

rhydd

free word - EST. 1972

FREE

DUCK FF FEES THURSDAY DECEMBER 2ND CARDIFF BAY 11.30AM


Award-Winning Television

Novemeber 22 - 28 2004

Page 23

simplythebest@ikeandtineaandtvdesk.com

The cream of this week’s TV crop: Nov 22th-Nov 28st

Udderlly Brilliant!!! TV Desk finally gets the pat on the back it deserves

HOT

TV Desk What other student TV guide gives you UKTV History? And it’s not becasue we don’t have Channel 4 listings. Put simply, it’s because we care dammit! After an inauspicious start, TV have risen to the challenge to reclaim our mantle as Best Section. EVER!

SOAPS TV Soapy Willy here. I hate to admit it, but I’ve not watched any soaps this week, so I’ll do my best to make it up, whilst sounding genuine. This week in Neighbours Izzy has been having nightmares about Darcy and his untimely death. Sounds a little fishy to me. Speaking of fish, this week in Albert Square (TV Willy hastily consults the Radio Times) Zoe and Sharon are fighting over mini-Den (I know who I’d pick Den). Whilst there’s lots of baby trouble. You’ve gotta feel sorry for Billy haven’t you. Poor lamb. His relationship with Freddie takes a turn for the worst. Yikes! In Corrie, scary Maya sets Sunita’s house on fire. Whoa mama. Will they get out? Will they survive? More importantly who cares?

Hey kids! See this cow here; this cow respresents the fact that as gair rhydd were righteous victors in the Daily Mirror Student Newspaper of the Year Awards. This mean that we here at TV desk can officially call ourselves the BEST TV desk for the bone idle duff-head age range of 1822ish in the entire of this enchanted kingdom of Britain. And do you know what we’re going to do to this award winning cow? We’re going to milk it. First up to pump the proverbial teat is TV John. Having not been able to watch the series to date, and not having a reliable enough parent to remember the video, I’ve missed the first two episodes of Blackpool. Ironically, some might say (deservingly, given you’re an arrogant tosspiece, others might say), the one television program I’ve wanted to see all year, just so happens to be on Thursdays at 9pm; precisely the time that TV Desk has to sit up in the office and write these award winning pages for you. Anyway, if anyone has been videoing Blackpool, and wants to invite an award-winning writer around to their house for repeat viewing, come up and see us sometime. I’ll even pay for dinner. If you haven’t been watching it, do so, then at least one of us can see it. There’s pretty much sod all else on. Usually I’m the first person to argue that celebrity reality TV shows aren’t full of noncelebrities and aren’t boring, but t h e

Willy’s Choice

(Like Sophie’s but with less death)

Football Manager 2005 Ok, not strictly on TV. Nor video. Nor satellite. Whatever. The latest football management sim from the boys at Sports Interactive is here. Yeah yeah, Halo 2, GTA:San Andreas, whatever. This is much, much better. If you want to have fun, and more importantly, earn respect among your peers, you’ve gotta be struggling to get Manchester City into the Champions League. Huzzah! The malest game ever made is enough to reduce me to a shivering wreck when narrowly defending a slender 1-0 lead. You should all play it. And love it! I do. It’s more addictive than Ribena lollies, more swoon inducing than Tom Cruise ringing your mate at a film pemiere and more fun than “standing naked in front of a mirror and looking up your own arse” (to paraphrase the singer from Mclusky). I am a sad, sad man. Regards TV William xx

new series of I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! (ITV1+2, every day of this week, next week, and probably until the end of time if you include best ofs, re-runs and the inevetable family game show the winner will be presenting upon their departure) really is taking the piss. This year’s collection ARE non-celebrirites. So stick it up your guava. Yo, TV Katie here. Just have to say a quick well done to gair rhydd, gair rhydd and gair rhydd for doing so ridiculously well at the Mirror’s Awards. Well done us. We are great. So to my first pick on this award winning page: Peep Show (Friday 10pm C4). This underrated show is strange but pretty darn funny. I’d say it’s almost as good as this TV Desk, alas, not quite. Last week’s episode

was hilarious so take my word for it, (being a journalist on an award-winning newspaper) and watch it. Continuing with comedy, Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere continues on Friday, just before Peep Show. Have to say first, although I don’t even think anyone noticed, that this episode will be the second and not third. For some reason, the constant C4 plugging of this programme led me to believe it had already started. Hey ho, it hadn’t, ne’rmind, it has now and it’s blooming marvellous. Just like gair rhydd, did I mention that....oh, yeah, I did. Ta ta for now honeybuns xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TV Manners here, jumping into the hot seat. So after watching every episode of the previous series when it was on about 11pm in ITV2, Harry Hill’s TV Burp (Saturday, 5.25pm, ITV1) is gracing our screens once more. Now you may think Harry’s a bit of a dick with his silly collar, but the show is superb and well worth watching! So do it. My second pick is for those who like their (very) alternative comedies. Monkeydust (Monday, 10pm, BBC2) brings to our screens such characters as a first time cottager and a suicidal, single father. It takes the piss out of every social norm and turns it on it’s head. Utter brilliance for once from the BBC gang. Well I’m off to look at more porn to fill the pictures on m y

DVDS TO RENT/BUY Web Shite! The eagerly awaited (by everyone except me, who thought it looked shit in the cinema, and therefore twenty-five times as shit when you have to pay that much for the DVD) release this week is the Sam Raimi-produced, nice-guy-Toby-starring comic book ejaculate of a sequel, Spiderman 2: So awesomely rad it didnt need a sub-title. Gee, wow, what a breathtaking, thrilling sky-ride of a lifetime this film was. Edge of the seat thriller, with Dr Octavious Octopapa Goblin Man are the ultimate arch enemy, and ‘Spidey’ (I feel sick) finally gets tasty with a bit of that Mary Jane (even more so now). But still, imagine if old Petey Parker had been bitten by a radioactive earwig, or millipede. I personally would have preferred that to this internal web of fear.

NOT

Radio Times When we struggled at the start of the year with no listings, the “RT” just sat there laughing in our faces. Well who’s the best now you bastards? Don’t see you winning any awards or getting fanmail. Or giving extensive coverage to Adam-Hart Davis. Ha ha, bloody ha.

SPORT European Drag Racing (five, 2.50am, Weds) Should be the highlight of both my week and yours. Never has ten seconds of sheer andrenaline rushing been so much fun. Just ask TV Willy’s girlfriend!! I like the parachutes coming. Don’t see that as often as you should.

FILMS Atheists need not reconsider. All you’ve got films-wise this week is Four Weddings and a Funeral, Rambo II, An American Werewolf in London, Body of Evidence, starring Madonna, and Half Past Dead. None of which any of us have seen, except Body of Evidence, which is a complete royal streak of fresh shit.

RADIO Kiss: My Ass. Iron Maiden are one of the most constantly underrated and overlooked bands of the last twenty five years. Radio Two continues this trend, by instead of getting Bruce Dickenson on to discuss just how fantasmically awsome Iron Maiden were, they’ve got the denim destroyer on to present an hour long documentary about the band who were everything shoddy that the Maiden weren’t: Kiss. Aside from inspire the ludicrous teen film ‘Detroit Rock City’ (think ‘Road Trip’ with less Tom Green and more heavy metal in-jokes), and provide Eighties Night at the union with one guaranteed floorfiller (‘Crazy Crazy Nights’), Kiss did practically nothing to inspire, amuse or titilate anybody musically or personally. Almost as bad as AC/DC, in face. Twats. Anyway, it’s called Monsters of Rock. Maybe Bruce’ll get his turn next.


Monday

Page 24

November 22 - 28 2004

boyd’sbeautifulbody@takemenow.orgasm

6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. More delights from the jungle. God, the celebrities are so Z-list it’s untrue. Why on Earth Natalie Appleton decided to do it, i’ll never know. 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 9.00 Airline USA. 9.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp. 10.00 The Planet's Funniest Animals. TV John makes me piss, he’s pretty funny. 10.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 0.00 Coronation Street. 0.30 Coronation Street. 1.00 Coronation Street. 1.30 Late Show with David Letterman. 2.20 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. There’s an Xpress/gair rhydd social on Tuesday 30th November at O’Neills on St Mary’s St. All members are welcome, you could win a ton of CDs or some drinks or summat. Also, the best bit, if you bring a couple of CDs and sign up on the night, you can have a 10-minute DJ slot, woo! I’ll be there playing my three favourites: The Thrills, Maroon 5 and the invincible U2.

19.00 The Planets Right, here goes, I’ve been scared of doing this channel since I got here three fecking hours ago. 20.00 The World 20.30 Family Ties 21.00 Mind Games 21.30 Mutant Mouse 22.30 Dinosaurs and Duplicity: Days That Shook the World The Day TV Desk one Best TV Pages at The Guardian Media Awards. 23.30 Gitta Sereny Talks to Kirsty Wark Um, should I know who these people are? Being a professional journalist and all? 24.00 The Atheism Tapes 24.30 Mutant Mouse 01.30 Mind Games 02.00 Family Ties 02.30 The Atheism Tapes 03.00 Mutant Mouse 04.00 Close Thank fucking God for that. Next time, don’t bother re-opening please, I abhor the fact that part of my student loan went on this crock of shit. Has anyone heard the new Live Aid single? What do you think? Personally, it’s another crock of shit, comparable to that of BBC Four. As for the Justin Hawkins/Bono crap - kill them both and erase the problem.

Neighbours UKGold 6am

06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Soap Addicts 11.00 Bruce's Price Is Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Blockbusters 14.30 Bullseye 15.00 Celebrity TV Bloopers 16.00 The Crystal Maze 17.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 PacificPoker.com 24.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 24.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes Now that’s more like it - a channel full of programmes. Bullseye is legendary. AND ONE!

06.00 Sunrise06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 Oswald06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Pe ppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The B ook of Pooh 08.35 The Save-Ums! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First...09. 15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sun set Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11. 50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 fi ve news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs It’s currently snowing in Sheffield, how cool! It’s raining here.... 1 .35 BrainTeaser 2.35 Trading Spouses 30 five new s update 3.35 Film: "Flight of Fan cy" 5.30 five news Have just stupidly agreed to interview Phil Jupitus tomorrow morning at 6am. What a twat. It’s my one lie-in of the week. 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 The Crashes that Chang ed Racing 8.30 Fifth Gear 9.00 Film: "Bandits" 11.25 Real Sex As opposed to sex with five fingers, which is most certainly not real sex. You’ll go blind too. 12.25 Lexx 01.10 NBA Action 01. 35 NFL Live 05.35 Motorsport Mu ndial Oh Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, what can I write about guys and gals? Found a really random collection of photos in the office. There are some rather unprofessional holiday photos of what might be a Greek Island. Anyone lost their photos? Any weird guys out there who’ve ever stripped and posed for about 50,000 photos with a plastic bottle of water in hand? Freak. Well, yeah, like I said earlier, there’s now a beautiful collage of you on our wall at gair rhydd, so come get them if you want them! You’ve seriously cheered us up tonight. Everyone’s been looking at them. Thank you.

R EI M P RP I PRIMETIME M - E- P R I M E -

07.00 Columbus and the Age of Discovery 08.00 Great Raids of World War II Oh dear, UK History? I’m so profusely sorry for the hideous TV listings over the past fortnight, I genuinely am. Please, do yourself a favour and buy Closer or summat. Don’t buy the Radio Times, it’s wank. 08.30 Great Raids of World War II More Great Raids. 09.00 Great Raids of World War II 09.30 Great Raids of World War II Even more GRREEAAT raids of World War 11, each one better than the last. 10.00 The Kennedy Assassination: Beyond Conspiracy This is actually quite interesting. Did you know that when Kennedy’s body was flown to New York in his coffin (I think it was NYC), his brain had been removed. 12.00 Reputations 1.00 Reputations 2.00 The Kent State Shootings 3.00 The Kennedy Assassination: Beyond Conspiracy 5.00 Reputations 6.00 Reputations Mine’s 7.00 Millennium 8.00 Days That Shook the World The Day TV listings get Channel 4. 9.00 People's Century 10.00 Local Heroes TV Manners’ local hero is Charles Stallard, the vicar of Droitwich. 10.30 Local Heroes TV John’s is Mark Oatan, MP for Wincester. TV Katie’s local hero is Derek the Pools man. TV Willy isn’t here as he decided playing the ridiculous Championship Manager was more important. Boys eh... 11.00 Decisive Weapons 11.30 Decisive Weapons 12.00 Secrets of World War II 01.00 Close TV John’s making a photo collage of some random guy whose photos we found abandoned in a box. Come see!

PRIMETIME

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6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning. 11.00 This Morning: I'm a Celebrity Special 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.00 Today with Des and Mel. 2.00 I Want That House. 2.30 The Feel Good Factor. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Miffy and Friends. 3.20 Engie Benjy. 3.35 Sonic X. 4.00 All Grown Up! 4.30 My Parents are Aliens. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale. 7.30 Coronation Street. 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald. 8.30 Coronation Street. 9.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Well, what can I say? They’ve really pulled out all the stops this year, with stars such as ‘the guy who played Huggie Bear in Starsky and Hutch’ and ‘some diva from some 70s band.’ Brian Harvey’s a cock, as is Paul Burrell (hard times eh?). 10.00 Coronation Street. 10.30 ITV News. 11.00 2DTV. 11.25 Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's Orange Playlist. 0.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! New series coming out next year: I’m a shit journalist...Get Me Out of gair rhydd! 2.00 Champions League Weekly. 2.25 Building the Dream. 2.50 Trisha. 3.45 Entertainment Now! 4.10 Tonight with Trevor McDonald. 4.35 ITV Nightscreen.

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PRIMETIME

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Paparazzi Behind-the-scenes documentary series about a top paparazzi photo agency. This week: chasing Posh Spice in Verbier, Madonna in the English countryside and the Barbados beaches. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 New Little Britain Emily and Florence play tennis, and Kenny Craig has got a girlfriend. With Anthony Head and Jon Culshaw. Bitty...bitty.... 23.00 My Life in Film 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 24.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Stinking pile of juicy, sloppy shit, full of nuts and sweetcorn. 24.30 Brothel 01.00 Brothel God, why do I have to waste every Thursday writing about this skank channel? Tell me why! Gary, I love it, I really do but I’m seriously dreading BBC Four. 01.30 Paparazzi 02.25 Inner Spaces 02.55 Liquid Assets: Nicole Kidman's Millions

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood. 6:25 Noah's Island. 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed. 7:05 Metalheads. 7:30 I Love Mummy. Yes. I do too. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Boo! God, you scared me. 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Little Robots. 9:00 Balamory. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 Yoho Ahoy. Bed. 10:15 Bob the Builder. 10:30 Science Clips. 10:40 The Maths Channel. 10:50 English Express. 11:20 Primary History. 11:40 See You, See Me. Farming Programme 1. 12:00pm: See You, See Me. Farming Programme 2. 12:20 Trade Secrets. 12:30 Working Lunch. 1:00 Numbertime. Time Months and Seasons. 1:15 Words and Pictures Plus. 1:30 Snooker: UK Championship. 5:15 Weakest Link. 6:00 Snooker: UK Championship. 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 7:00 Snooker: UK Championship. 8:00 Mastermind. One for TV Willy to enjoy: specialist subject - The History of Manchester City Football Club. 8:30 University Challenge. 9:00 Dead Ringers. 9:30 The Kumars at No 42. Can’t decide if I can be bothered to get up tomorrow to see Phil Jupitus at Xpress. 6am is an ugly hour. 10:00 Monkey Dust. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 Snooker: UK Championship. 12:00am: Snooker Extra: UK Championship. 1:00 BBC Learning Zone: Languages and Travel: Japanese

Neighbours BBC1 5.35pm

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Britain's Streets of Poverty. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 Cash in the Attic. 11:45 Trading Up. 12:30pm: European Nightmare. Dominic 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. Toadie and Connor pretend to be on-line 'girlfriends' to make some extra cash. If Toadie ever decides to leave the comfort of Ramsay St, I will be totally gutted, he’s the Bombhead of Neighbours. Oh my God, speaking of totally gorgeous bodies (which I wasn’t), Boyd revealed such an awesome body last week, I practically came in my pants. Even when dressed in women’s lingerie you could see nothing but bulging muscle. Raaaaa! 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:35 Boo! 3:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire. 4:10 The ScoobyDoo Show. 4:35 Bring It On. 5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours. 6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather. 7:00 Holiday 2005. 7:30 Real Story with Fiona Bruce. 8:00 EastEnders. 8:30 Changing Rooms. 9:00 Spooks. 10:00 BBC News. 10:30 Regional News and Weather. 10:35 Traffic Cops. 11:05 Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time. 11:35 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross. Yummy, Daniel Craig is on tonight. Theme of today’s listings: men. 12:05am: FILM: Soldier Blue. 2:00 Sign Zone: Natural World. 2:50 Sign Zone: Himalaya with Michael Palin. 3:50 Joins BBC News 24.

Neighbours UKGold 5.35pm

P

Neighbours BBC1 1.40pm

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6:00am: Neighbours Drew sees Mike kissing his ex-wife Victoria. I remember Drew, but Mike and Victoria? Susan helps Karl to fulfil a fantasy. Oh no, this is the ‘singer/songwriter’ fantasy isn’t it? And Sarah’s break is cut short.6:30 As Time Goes By 7:10 Yes, Minister 7:50 Doctors 8:25 EastEnders 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00pm: Doctors 12:40 EastEnders 1:20 Last of the Summer Wine 2:00 Bergerac 3:00 The Bill 4:00 Holby City 5:00 Casualty 6:00 Bergerac A True Detective. 7:00 Yes, Minister 7:40 Last of the Summer Wine 8:20 As Time Goes By With 9:00 My Family 9:40 My Family 10:20 The Thin Blue Line 11:00 Game On 11:40 My Family 12:20am: My Family 1:00 The Thin Blue Line 1:40 Game On 2:15 Weakest Link 3:05 The Bill 4:05 Where the Heart Is 5:00 As Time Goes By 5:35 Neighbours Boyd’s body is hot!

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Tuesday

November 22-28 2004

Page 25

ifyoudon’tlikethisTVpage@youdon’tdeserveyoureyes.com

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6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. Feck, feck feck feck alcohol! 7.00 Champions League Live. Monaco v Liverpool 10.00 When Jordan Met Peter. Warts-and-all series revealing the romantic secrets of Jordan and Peter Andre, from the bedroom to the boardroom - and everywhere in between. Dramas continue to unfold in the couple's private lives, and the tension increases as a big family event looms. Andre’s chest wax. 10.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 0.30 Jerry Springer. Anyone who has Sky doesn’t need listings anyway beacuse they come up on the screen. Pointless waste of time and paper, I’d say. 1.15 Late Show with David Letterman. 2.05 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. No really, Get Me Out of HERE! I gotta be up soo early tomorrow .

PRIMETIME

06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Celebrity Addicts 11.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30Catchphrase 1.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 2.00 Blockbusters 2.30 Bullseye 3.00 Celebrity TV Bloopers 4.00 The Crystal Maze 5.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 6.00 Takeshi's Castle 6.30 Takeshi's Castle 7.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 7.30 World Records 8.00 Blockbusters 8.30 Bullseye 9.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 10.00 PacificPoker.com 12.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 12.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 1.00 Takeshi's 02.00 Fort Boyard 03.00 The Crystal Maze 04.00 100 Per Cent 04.30 Family Fortuneso 05.00 Wheel of Fortune

E

19.00 Dinosaurs and Duplicity: Days That Shook the World 20.00 The World 20.30 Profile: Learned Friends 21.00 The Man Who Forged America 22.00 Family Ties 22.30 City of Men 23.00 Film: "Le Libertin" 24.40 Family Ties (The Third Woman) 01.10 Dinosaurs and Duplicity: Days That Shook the World 02.10 Profile 02.40 Sir John Sulston 03.10 Profile: Learned Friends 03.40 Close No quiero estar mas aqui, quiero estar en casa, en mi mesa con un tiburon. No tengo ganas de encontrar los tildes, lo siento. Hola a mis amigos espanoles, como estais? Os gusta mis paginas de tevlevision? Espero que si, porque son de puta madre! Ahora estoy cansadisima y no tengo dos dedos de frente! I don’t have the brains to write any more at this hour. Bit too heavily reliant on a dictionary for a fourth year. Worrying. Hasta luego cabrones!

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07.00 Aviators 08.00 Local Heroes 08.30 Local Heroes 09.00 People's Century 10.00 Days That Shook the World 11.00 Decisive Weapons 12.00 Secrets of World War II (Human Torpedoes) 1.00 Millennium (Century of the Sword) 2.00 Days That Shook the World (JFK/Nixon) 3.00 People's Century(1927 - Great Escape) 4.00 Local Heroes 4.30 Local Heroes 5.00 Decisive Weapons (The Forgotten Fighter - the Hawker Hurricane) 5.30 Decisive Weapons 6.00 Secrets of World War II 7.00 Millennium 8.00 Days That Shook the World 9.00 People's Century (1929 - Breadline) 10.00 Local Heroes Ah TV Willy’s here now. Will, who’s your local hero? Bobby Ball, of Canon and Ball fame. 10.30 Local Heroes 11.00 Decisive Weapons (Lock, Stock and Barrel - the Springfield Rifle) 11.30 Decisive Weapons (U-Boat Killer - the Antisubmarine Warship) 12.00 Secrets of World War II (The Bruneval Raid) 01.00 Close Oh, I’m having withdrawal symptoms from lack of Channel 4 and meaningless scrawls about Bombhead and Lee Hunter. Ah well, no-one cares about UK History. Bombhead still hasn’t told anyone about his rotting Mum, but all is revealed this week. Meanwhile, Debbie’s belts get shorter, her heels get higher and Chester gets colder. It doesn’t seem to affect her, just like the Fembots in Cardiff. (Read the Letters Page for reactions to last weeks ‘controversial’ Room 101). Justin’s raucous antics continue, naughty boy.

I

M

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today: 9.25 Trisha. More heartwarming and shocking true stories with Trisha Goddard and a studio audience. That’s what it says here. Heartwarming? Makes me wanna die! Still can’t believe these sorts of people exist. 10.30 This Morning. 10.50 ITV News Headlines, Local News and Weather. 11.55 ITV News Headlines. 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.00 Today with Des and Mel. 2.00 I Want That House. You can’t have it, it belongs to the Queen. 2.30 The Feel Good Factor. Health 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 3.15 Miffy and Friends. 3.20 Fun Song Factory. 3.35 Sonic X. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show. 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather. 7.00 Emmerdale. Bagsy hurts his hand on Wiggs the sheep. Gunfred eats too many sprouts and Denise reveals to Derek why she’s been visiting the fish market so often. 7.30 Champions League Live. Manchester United v Lyon Don’t care about the football, but Lyon is a wicked city. Met an Irish French legionnaire whilst there, and a Pole called Darius. 9.45 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Please do. Now. 10.30 ITV News. 11.00 Tarrant on TV. 11.30 Champions League Highlights. 2.00 CD:UK Hotshots. 2.25 Champions League. Monaco v Liverpool 4.05 Grounded for Life. Don't Fear the Reefer Yeah man, don’t fear it, welcome it. 4.30 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News.

R P

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits What goes on inside your brain and body when you experience the incredible highs and lows of love? Well, many things my friend, some of which I can share, others are just too disgusting to share. 20.00 Trauma is sitting here writing about BBCThree listings. 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 New Little Britain 21.30 My Life in Film Would be an embarrassing insight into a life of translations, essays, Thursday night at TV Desk, and one measly night out on a tramp’s budget. 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Nighty Night Don her crab. Left this here by accident but I kinda like it. Sounds a bit dirty. Fnarr. 23.00 Blood on the Turntable 24.00 The Brothel 24.30 The Brothel 01.00 Paparazzi 01.55 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 02.55 Outrageous Fortunes 03.55 Close

6:00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood. 6:25 Noah's Island. 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed. 7:05 Metalheads. 7:30 I Love Mummy. 7:55 Newsround. 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook. 8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu. 8:45 Little Robots. 9:00 Balamory. 9:20 The Roly Mo Show. 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 Yoho Ahoy. 10:15 Bob the Builder. 10:30 Thinking Skills. Think About It: Disaster. 10:40 The Maths Channel. 10:50 Primary Geography. 11:00 Around Scotland. 11:20 FILM: The Falcon in Danger. 12:30pm: Working Lunch. 1:00 Numbertime. 1:15 Words and Pictures Plus. 1:30 Snooker: UK Championship. 5:10 Weakest Link. 6:00 Snooker: UK Championship. 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 7:00 Snooker: UK Championship. 8:00 Gardens through Time. 9:00 Who Do You Think You Are? Oh yeah! Someone recognised me as TV Katie outside the Union on Monday night - how cool is that?! I’m famous man! So that’s who I Think I Am FAMOUS TV Katie!!!! 10:00 The Smoking Room. Is where my housemate Jen is never to enter again! She’s given up as from today, let’s all give her a round of applause......... I thank you. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 Snooker: UK Championship. 12:00am: Snooker Extra: UK Championship. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: ReviseWise at Home: KS2 4:00 Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision English 1.

The Book of Pooh five 8am

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Vall ey 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The Save-Ums! 08.50 Barne 09.10 My First...kiss was with a French guy on French exchange called Erwan. My First....gig was Chuck Berry in Bournemouth 1992. My first....piece for gair rhydd was Cinerama in Clwb Ifor Bach in 2001. My first....boyfriend dumped me because I dropped his pen-lid on the floor. My first...CD Single was Shine by Aswad. My first...sign of womanhood was a hideous frilly crop-top bought by my Mother. 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright St uff 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1 .35 BrainTeaser 2..35 Trading Spouses 3.30 five news update God, this channel’s taking soooooooo long 3.35 Film: "Cosmic Shock" (1997, Thriller) 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Fifth Gear 8.00 MacIntyre's Big Sting 9.00 CSI: Miami 10.00 CSI: Crime Scene Inves tigation 10.55 Crime Scene Academy 11. 3 0 B o o m t o w n 12.20 Arrest and Trial 1240 Arrest and Trial 01.00 NBA Basketball Live 03.30 NASCAR Busch Series 04.20 Argentinian Football (Boca Juniors v Estudiantes) Will’s downloading players for the new Championship Manager instead of doing TV pages. I seriously don’t understand that game. It’s beyond us women, it really is. I mean, you don’t even play, you just sit there! And watch! For hours! Unbelievable!

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:15 Britain's Streets of Poverty. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 10:40 State Opening of Parliament 2004. 12:30pm: European Nightmare. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 1:30 Regional News and Weather. 1:40 Neighbours. Svetlanka and Harold share a goodnight kiss. Jack gets an offer from Nina. Sky and Lana come to blows during a netball match. Fnarr! 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote. 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Sid's Fix It Tuesday: Bob the Builder. 3:35 Little Robots. My housemates saw a seven-foot robot in town last weekend. Scary stuff! Little robots are the way forward, much less offensive and frightening. 3:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire. 4:10 Rugrats. 4:35 SMart. 5:00 Shoebox Zoo. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours. 6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather. 6:55 Queen's Speech Broadcast by the Labour Party. Is it a speech by the Queen then, or by the Labour Party? I don’t get it. 7:00 Watchdog. 7:30 EastEnders. Haven’t watched this in yonks now, let me know what’s going on. Love TV Desk xxx 8:00 Holby City. 9:00 Crimewatch UK. 10:00 BBC News. 10:30 Regional News and Weather. 10:35 Crimewatch UK Update. 10:45 Someone to Watch Over Me. 11:25 FILM: Rambo: First Blood Part II. 1:05am: Sign Zone: See Hear. 1:50 Sign Zone: ONE Life. Make Me a Man Again. 2:30 Sign Zone: Jungle: The Challenge. 3:35 Joins BBC News 24. Good. Night.

Champions League: Man UTD v Lyon ITV1 7pm

PRIMETIME

Who do You Think SMart BBC1 4.35pm You Are? BBC2 9pm

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6:00am: Neighbours Karl and Susan embark on a mystery afternoon. Amy reveals a secret ambition. Toadie finds himself in a difficult position. Ah oldschool Neighbours, you can’t beat it. 6:30 As Time Goes By 7:10 ‘Allo ‘Allo! 7:50 Doctors 8:25 EastEnders 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00pm: Doctors 12:40 EastEnders 1:20 Last of the Summer Wine 2:00 Bergerac 3:00 The Bill 4:00 Holby City 5:00 Casualty 7:00 ‘Allo ‘Allo! 7:40 Last of the Summer Wine 8:20 The Good Life 9:00 Waking the Dead 11:25 Absolutely Fabulous Panickin’ 12:05am: Men Behaving Badly 12:40 Waking the Dead 3:00 The Bill and 4:05 Where the Heart Is 5:00 As Time Goes By Worst programme ever. Makes me wanna die. 5:35 Neighbours So annoyed I couldn’t find a picture of Boyd naked. Phwoar.

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Wednesday

Page 26

November 22 - 28 2004

Awardwinning@TVDesk.com

6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 7.00 The X Factor. 8.05 The X Factor 9.00 Holiday Showdown. 10.00 The Planet's Funniest Animals 10.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Man were they scraping the barrel for celebrities when they picked one of the Three Degrees. They could have had an award winning TV critic! 0.00 Coronation Street Fred and Mike play strip poker in Mike’s garage. Urgh. 0.30 Coronation Street 1.00 The Frank Skinner Show. This week Frank talks to Peter Andre and Jordan, Shania Twain and World Snooker Champion Ronnie O'Sullivan, with music from Snow Patrol. Dangerously dull. 2.00 Late Show with David Letterman. 2.45 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Jungle butt-fucks get tasty with some bugs as Ant and Dec pretend to get excited by Bushtucker Trials.

19.00 Mutant Mouse 20.00 The World 20.30 The Book Show: Rose Tremain 21.00 No More Victims 22.00 Mind Games Intellectual game show, which is only fit for University Challenge contestants and award-winning TV critics. I met Kian from Westlife after the ceremony. We discussed doing some projects together. 22.30 Arrested Development 22.50 The Mark Steel Lecture Comedians perform. Comedians with ideas above their station, who think they’re intelligent but aren’t, give lectures. 23.20 Mutant Mouse The Jessica Simpson story. 24.20 Superbat 01.10 Superfly 02.10 No More Victims 03.10 Superbat So the basic premise of BB4, for those who’ve never watched it (which let’s face it, is the entire population of this university), is that they show documentaries about mutant rodents and bats and insects all day. Highly intellectual. They probably explore the deeper meaning behind Jeff Goldblum’s role in The Fly, too.

07.00 Aviators 08.00 Local Heroes 08.30 Local Heroes 09.00 People's Century 10.00 Days That Shook the World 11.00 Decisive Weapons No. 576: The arctic snow arsepounder. 11.30 Decisive Weapons 12.00 Secrets of World War II 13.00 Millennium Wasn’t this a really cack sci-fi program? I’ve just opened myself up for nerd abuse. 14.00 Days That Shook the World 15.00 People's Century 16.00 Local Heroe 16.30 Local Heroes 17.00 Decisive Weapons No. 46: The electric tongue-slicer 17.30 Decisive Weapons 18.00 Secrets of World War II 19.00 Millennium 20.00 Days That Shook the World No. 46: Rick Waller hears Jump Around by House of Pain for the first time. 21.00 People's Century 22.00 Local Heroes 22.30 Local Heroes 23.00 Decisive Weapons 23.30 Decisive Weapons No. 3680: A small gerbil given a piece of string to chew through which, when broken, causes a ten tonne wight to crush the gerbil and squeeze it’s insides into your open mouth which simultaneously causing your feet to dislocate and snap off. 24.00 Secrets of World War II Hitler’s moustache was detachable and he often used it as a radio controlled bomb which, if it landed in Heinrich Himmler’s cup of cocoa, would make a mino explosion and ruin old Hein’s blazer. 01.00 Close Ooh shut that door.

06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Soap Addicts 11.00 Bruce's Price Is Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Blockbusters 14.30 Bullseye 15.00 Celebrity TV Bloopers 16.00 The Crystal Maze With Richard O’ Brien. Yes! 17.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 24.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records Who won the best award EVER last week? Us!

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Woolamaloo 06.40 Oswald 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The Save-Ums! 08.50 Barney 09.10 My First... 09.15 Roobarb 09.25 The Wright Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 11.25 House Doctor 11.50 The Wright Stuff Extra 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14.35 Trading Spouses 15.30 five news update 15.35 Film: Vows of Deception 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Egypt Detectives 20.00 Tornado Alert 21.00 Film: Half Past Dead Film starring the ubiquetous Ja Rule. If his acting is as bad a his rapping then we’re all doomed. R Kelly in a movie, that’s what I’d like to see. 23.00 101 Most Shocking Mom ents in Entertainment 24.00 Sex and the Settee 24.30 Snooker - World Champio ns v the Asian Start-ups. Actually it didn’t say “Start-Ups,” but it deleted by mistake and I can’t find what it’s supposed to be. Many apologies. We’re award-winning you know. 02.00 ITU Triathlon World Cup 02.50 European Drag Racing 03.15 Golf: The Challenge 03.40 Boxing: Fight of the Wee k Classic 04.30 Dutch Football (Ajax v Feyenoord) psdofgpgml;fdmg;dflgfgdg

P R I M E T I M E

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 GMTV News Hour with Andrew Castle and Penny Smith. 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha. 10.30 This Morning. 11.00 This Morning: I'm a Celebrity Special. 10.50 ITV 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather. 1.00 Today with Des and Mel. 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 The Feel Good Factor. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and 3.15 Miffy and Friends 3.20 Engie Benjy 3.35 Sonic X 4.00 All Grown Up! 4.30 My Parents are Aliens. 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 6.30 ITV Evening News 6.55 Queen's Speech Broadcast. 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street. 8.00 The Bill The story of what happened when TV John received his astronomical water bill yesterday. 9.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 10.00 Coronation Street. 10.30 ITV News. 11.00 Chubby Chasers. 0.05 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 2.00 The Paul O'Grady Show. 2.50 Sum 41 in Profile. Right, Ok, you know American Idiot, the Green Day album? Well you know what, you can turn that disc sideways, and stick it up your ass. It’s rubbish! Now, the inexplicably ignored new Sum 41 album, is good. Who made Billy Joe Armstrong the political voice of America anyway, the tedious old haggard wanker. 3.15 Riders and Rich Kids. 3.40 World Sport. 4.10 Motorsport UK. 4.35 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early

The Crystal Maze challenge 14.35

PRIMETIME

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Little Angels 19.45 Film: "The Hunt for Red October" 22.00 Bodies 23.00 Paparazzi 24.00 Brothel 24.30 Brothel 01.00 Tower Block 01.55 Casino I used to be obsessed with casinos when I was younger, just because Casino Night zone was my favourite level on Sonic 2 on the Megadrive. Even though that level’s basic premise was that the springs and bouncy platform boinged Sonic from the beginning to the end without you having to do very much. Which explains why it was my favourite level. Plus, I love the perfect contrast between thrill and horror-show frames of mind that casinos put you in. The beauty of the spinning roulette wheel, the rancid dykes who dance around in stone age women’s clothing (such is my understanding based on the film “Showgirls”) and everybody except the owners go home pissed off. Hooray! The cunts.

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Noah's Island 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed.7:05 Metalheads. 7:30 I Love Mummy. 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook8:20 Tots TV. 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Little Robots 9:00 Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies. 10:00 Sergeant Stripes. 10:10 Yoho Ahoy. 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 FILM: Our Wife. (1931) 10:50 Trade Secrets. 11:00 The Daily Politics. 1:00pm: Birding with Bill Oddie. 1:30 Working Lunch. 2:00 Snooker: UK Championship. 5:10 Weakest Link. 6:00 Snooker: UK Championship. 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two. 7:00 Snooker: UK Championship. 8:00 Full on Food. 9:00 Bodies. 10:00 Arrested Development.10:20 The Planets - Brief Encounters. 10:30 Newsnight. 11:20 Snooker: UK Championship. 12:30am: Joins BBC News 24. (T) 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Key Stage 3 Bitesize Revision English 2. ...yeah! TV Desk are now officially the best TV Desk in the entire country, according to The Mirror. Never ones to gloat on our awesome triumphs, this edition of TV Desk is going to bask rightfully in our glory, in this special edition, celebratory backslapping wankfest exclusive. It’s so good to be on top.

Decisive Weapons UKTVHistory 11.30am

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Britain's Streets of Poverty. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer. 11:00 Cash in the Attic 11:45 Trading Up 12:30pm: European Nightmare. 1:00 BBC News; Weather. 2:05 Doctors. 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News. 3:25 CBeebies: Chris' Sing-aLong Wednesday: Tweenies. 3:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire. 4:10 New Scooby and Scrappy Show. 4:20 The Story of Tracy Beaker. 4:35 The Fairly Odd Parents. 5:00 Blue Peter. 5:25 Newsround. 5:35 Neighbours. Izzy's nightmares get worse. Good! Izzy’s bizarre demise is by far the best thing that’s happened in Ramsay Street for months. 6:00 BBC News. 6:30 Regional News Programmes 6:55 Queen's Speech Response by the Conservative Party. 7:00 Bargain Hunt. 7:30 Documentary 7:55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws. 8:00 Family Contract 9:00 British Isles: a Natural History. 10:00 BBC News. 10:30 Regional News and Weather.10:35 Imagine... Arthur Miller: Finishing the Picture. 11:45 FILM: The Couch Trip Not to be confused with “Road Trip”, or US band the Coachwhips, whose album “Bangers vs Fuckers” manages to be even better than the title. Bite me. So gair rhydd won “best newspaper eh?” so...

My First... five 9.10am

P R I M E T I M E

Britains Streets of Poverty BBC1 9.10am

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6:00am: Neighbours 6:30 As Time Goes By 7:10 Are You Being Served? 7:50 Doctors 8:25 EastEnders A worthwhile old episode of Eastenders to watch as it features the nearperfectly horrible Trevor making his first venture in the square to give Mo a sound beating. Unsavoury, but the best storyline Walford’s ever going to see. 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City Calculated Risks. 11:00 12:00pm: Doctors 12:40 EastEnders 1:20 Last of the Summer Wine 2:00 Bergerac 3:00 The Bill 4:00 Holby City 5:00 Casualty 6:00 Bergerac 7:00 Are You Being Served? 7:40 Last of the Summer Wine 8:20 The Good Life 9:00 Only Fools and Horses I can’t believe the listings here used the word “cushty” a second ago. I feel I’m dealing with parodies of parodies of parodies here... 10:05 Porridge 10:45 Open All Hours 11:20 Jonathan Creek 1:10am: Only Fools and Horses 2:10 Weakest Link 3:05 The Bill 4:05 Where the Heart Is Dream. 5:00 As Time Goes By 5:35 Neighbours

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Thursday

November 22-28 2004

Page 27

lifeinjeopardy@footballmanager2005.com

6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 5.55 The Block 6.50 Dancing in the Street. Members of the public give their unique interpretations of popular music tracks. This will be nothing but painful. My personal favourite was Angela from Stoke knocking out an impromtu rendition of Stairway to Heaven. 7.00 UEFA Cup Live. Sochaux v Newcastle “As we wind on down the road. Our shadows taller than our souls!!!!” 10.00 It's Good to Be... Pamela Anderson God it was painful. 10.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 0.30 Jerry Springer. 1.10 Late Show with David Letterman. 2.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live Please visit TV Willy’s blog at profanityproject.blogspot.com. Leave a comment, send emails, make yourself at home. Hey, I’m even open to a bit of hate mail. It makes it interesting. Argh two more lines. Any Seinfeld fans out there? Get in touch we can discuss our love of Art Vandelay.

Feelgood Factor 2.30pm ITV1

6.00 GMTV News Hour 8.35 LK Today 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 I Want That House Today we join Nimo, searching for his dream home in Auch, France. Surely some kind of bad Finding Nimo pun can be employed here? Too late. Damn those pesky words I write! 2.30 The Feel Good Factor Not half as interesting as the thespian’s show of choice, The Gielgud Factor. 3.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 3.15 Miffy and Friends 3.20 Fun Song Factory Young viewers get the chance to sing and create new songs. Not very subtle subliminal advertising For S Club Juniors Jnr, I imagine. 3.35 Sonic X 4.00 Play the Game 4.30 Barking! 5.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 6.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. (Subtitled) Regional news round-up. 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Scott and Dawn build bridges. Didn’t realise residents of the Farm were so keen on civil engineering. 7.30 Stage by Stage look at the building of Cardiff’s Multi-million white elephant Millenium Centre in Cardifff Bay. 8.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 9.00 Mine All Mine 10.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Do fuck off 10.30 ITV News 11.00 The Frank Skinner Show 0.00 Soccer Night 0.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 2.00 Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's Orange Playlist Fellow FM2005 fans. Whatever you do, don’t buy Francesco Coco from Inter. In his first three games for me he got, 3-3-4. Form which is so bad as to be unheard of.

07.00 Millennium 08.00 Local Heroes 08.30 Local Heroes (Royal Institution Special) Adam HartDavis lifts the lid on some of the great inventors of the past. As an interesting aside, one of my old school friend’s Mum fancied the white socks off Mr. Hart Davis. A little odd if you ask me. I’m much more of a Starkey man. But that is very well documented. Let’s talk more Champ Man.... 09.00 People's Century Sports John concurs that Javier Saviola and Martin Palermo were the most ridiculously obvious signings. Palermo often shifted to Arsenal and scored a good fifty goals a season. I often managed to shifty Saviola. He’d knock ‘em in for fun that lad. He’s on loan at Monaco now though, the poor kipper. 10.00 Days That Shook the World Number 5: Leeds get knocked out of the Champions League in the semi-finals by Barcelona. After an amazing start at the Nou Camp, Will Dean’s men start the home leg with a wonder goal from Michael Bridges. A two goal cushion will surely be enough to send the Elland Road outfit to the final. Aaaaaaargh. Two goals in the last ten minutes from Portugese wonder-kid, Dani, put Barca through on away goals. A week of TV Willy’s life wasted!!! I won it the next year though! 11.00 Decisive Weapons 11.30 Decisive Weapons 12.00 Secrets of World War II 13.00 Millennium bloodshed was to come. 14.00 Days That Shook the World 15.00 People's Century 16.00 Local Heroes 16.30 Local Heroes 17.00 Decisive Weapons Oh like you’re gonna be watching this crap anyway.

19.00 The Planets The latest scientific images reveal that the sun is a gigantic nuclear generator, a swirling mass of superheated gases that travel along powerful magnetic field lines. There was me thinking it was a dirge of a stink of a daily redtop. 20.00 The World 20.30 Yes, Prime Minister 21.00 Akenfield Revisited A group of football fans return to Liverpool FC’s hallowed ground. 21.40 Film: "Akenfield" 23.15 Akenfield Revisited 23.55 Imber: England's Lost Village There seems of be a scary little village theme on BBC4 tonight. And no, before you ask, we won’t be having any bad Little Britain quotes! 12.55 Days That Shook the World I want that one. 01.55 Mutant Mouse Yeah, I mean no, I mean yeah. 02.55 Akenfield Revisited Our dept. editor ladies and gents: ”Did you just say you hate AC/DC and Kiss? Why don’t you just piss all over my Mum while you’re at it?” Well if you insist Jim. (Rapid unzipping noise...screams of disgust).

06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Celebrity Addicts 11.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Blockbusters 14.30 Bullseye 15.00 Celebrity TV Bloopers 16.00 The Crystal Maze 17.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes Debbie does Yellowstone National Park. 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 00.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records Sorry, I’ve not been on form this week. As you can guess all I can think is tactical tweaks and training regimes. God. I’m sad. But I like it. Not as much as I like goats.

P R I M E T I M E

PRIMETIME

P R I M E T I M E

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits (Baby Quest) Dr John Marsden on health matters. He examines the myths surrounding pregnancy. What myths? - surely not hard facts such as ‘man on top = no baby’ and ‘it really fucking hurts’. 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels (The Lunniss Family) Clinical psychologist Dr Tanya Byron offers advice on parenting. Three and a half-year-old twins Elodie and Asha Lunniss are proving a real handful for full-time mum Zora. What? They must be Borrower size! 21.00 Who Rules the Roost? 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Not Under My Roof Things TV Desk aren’t allowed to do at home. 1. Laugh like our editor. 2. Defecate on the floor. 3. Steal our Mother’s lingerie. 4. Wear said lingerie. 23.25 Band Aid: The Record And gave birth to Bastain Springs. 00.25 Brothel “Yes, please!” Quote attributed to John ‘Funboy’ Widdop. So how about that?

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farting Wood 6:25 Noah's Island 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed 7:05 Metalheads 7:30 I Love Mummy Who doesn’t. I particularly love your Mummy. Perpetually. 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 8:20 Tots TV Put It Back in the Bathroom. This could be any number of things, I suspect it’s Teeny Tot’s butt-plug 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Little Robots 9:00 Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 Emotional Literacy 10:40 The Maths Channel Yaaaaawn! 11:10 BBC Primary History 11:30 The Daily Politics 12:30pm: Working Lunch 1:00 Snooker: UK Championship You 5:10 Weakest Link Are 6:00 Snooker: UK A Championship Cock. 6:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 7:00 The Culture Show 8:00 Natural World 8:50 Wild Scotland 9:00 Edge of Life: To Change My Child's Face? Depends on one mitigating factor my dears. Are they ugly little buggers or not? We all know you’re not getting anywhere in life with a face like Lionel Richie’s prostate. 10:00 Snooker: UK Championship 10:30 Newsnight 11:20 Snooker: UK Championship 12:30am: Joins BBC News 24 2:00 BBC Learning Zone Learning? Knobs to that, I came to univerity to write witty and trite comments about the week’s televisualar monstrosities. Did we mention that we are OFFICIALLY the best newspaper in the WORLD. We did, did we? Oh. That’s right York. Get fucked.

Trauma 8.00pm BBC3

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy throws down the gauntlet and invites all his special friends for a huge party bash in toyland. The cast of My Little Pony and the Care Bears join in to really get the entertainment going. The merriment continues long into the night and everyone invited has a thoroughly enjoyable evening. 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Wishbone 11.30 A Different Life That of TV Desk 12.05 FAQ 12.35 Big Art Challenge 13.05 five news update 13.10 The Chart 13.40 Pop City Live 17.40 FILM: The Parent Trap With Dennis Quaid and Natasha Richardson. (Comedy, 1998) *** 20.00 Britain's Worst... Mother-in-Law The moral of this fantastic insight into the life of another worthwhile human being is to never judge a mother by her cover. She’s really a lovely person but so misunderstood. I’d love to meet her and gain valuable life experience from the depths of her knowledge. 21.00 FILM: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines With Arnold Schwarzenegger and Nick Stahl. (Science Fiction, 2003) *** 23.05 He's Back... The Terminator Story 00.10 Seniors Golf: San Remo Masters 01.00 NFL Live: New England Patriots v Buffalo Bills 04.45 Argentinian Football

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Britain's Streets of Poverty 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Cash in the Attic 11:45 Trading Up 12:30pm: European Nightmare 1:00 BBC News; Weather 1:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 2:05 Doctors Greg helps a proud mother realise that her son is not perfect. So you noticed at last Mrs. Shipman? 2:35 Murder, She Wrote 3:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 3:25 CBeebies: Sue's Make and Do Thursday: Big Cook Little Cook 3:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 4:10 Rugrats 4:35 SMart 5:00 I Dream 5:25 Newsround 5:35 Neighbours 6:30 Regional News Programmes 6:55 Queen's Speech Response by the Liberal Democrats They’ll probably respond something like this, “Well, we agree with that. Do we? Do the Tories? Oh, in that case, then we don’t.” 7:00 Wildlife on One Brian Blessed 7:30 EastEnders Billy plans an evening with the baby. I could but I’m not going to. 8:00 Truants 8:30 Too Close for Comfort John Weir and Anna Raeburn help families who are living on top of each other. 9:00 Blackpool 10:00 BBC News 10:30 Regional News and Weather 10:35 Question Time 11:35 This Week ...I seduced a llama, got the new Champ Manager, groped an MEP, championed the work of Francis Bacon, lifted the lid on Jon Bon Jovi’s maraca porn fetish and found a dead dog at the bottom of a Peruvian lake. One of these is false. 12:20am: FILM: Indecent Seduction 1:55 Sign Zone: Watchdog.

Natural World 8.00pm BBC2

P R I M E T I M E

The Block 5.55pm ITV2

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6:00am: Neighbours 6:30 As Time Goes By 7:10 Dad’s Army 7:50 Doctors Loss 8:25 EastEnders 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00pm: Doctors Loss 12:40 EastEnders 1:20 Last of the Summer Wine 2:00 Bergerac 3:00 The Bill 4:00 Holby City 5:00 Casualty 6:00 Bergerac 7:00 Dad’s Army 7:40 Last of the Summer Wine Foggy becomes acquainted with new technology in order to further communications with Compo and Clegg. Triple-ended electric dildo. Euggggh. 8:20 The Good Life Sitting in my room with cheese on toast and a nice cold Czech Bud, while playing Champ Man of my hearts content. That is the good bloody life. 9:00 The Royle Family 9:40 The Royle Family 10:20 Gimme Gimme Gimme 11:00 Blackadder Goes Forth 11:40 The Royle Family 12:20am: The Royle Family 1:00 Gimme Gimme Gimme 1:35 Blackadder Goes Forth 2:10 Weakest Link 3:00 The Bill

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Friday

Page 28

November 22 - 28 2004

TVmanners@fetishproblem.org.uk

06.00 Sunrise 6.30 Woolamal oo 06.40 Oswald06.557.30 P eppa Pig 7.35 Funky Valley There used to be that show called porno valley and I wouldn’t be surprised if five didn’t show porn to wake the kiddies up in the morning. 7 . 4 5 M a k e Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh08.35 The Save-Ums! 08.50 Barney 9.10 My First... 9.15 Roobarb 9.25 The Wrigh t Stuff 10.30 Sunset Beach 1 1.25 House Doctor 11.50 The W r i g h t S t u f f E x t r a Wow you can enjoy another dollop of the Wright Stuff just after the first show! What a morning to recover in! 1 2 . 00 five news at noon 12.30 H ome and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 BrainTeaser 14. 35 Trading Spouses 15.30 fiv e news update 15.35 Film: A Holiday for Love(1996, Drama ) 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Tim Marlow's Judg e m e n t D a y Clearly this is never going to be as good as Arnie’s version. These damn remakes, they’re all shite. Will everyone stop ruining Michael Cain films? Please? For me? 20.00 Hot Property 20.30 HouseBusters 21.00 House Doctor: Des igns for Living 2 2 . 0 5 F i l m : "H o l l o w M a n (2 0 0 0 , S c i e n c e F i c t i o n )I’m pretty sure this is pretty shit. No, I’m definately sure this is completely shite. 0.15 Film: In the Deep Woods (1992, Thriller)01.50 Film: Au tomatic (1994, Science Fictio n)03.15 The Love Boat 04.05 Short Story Cinema04.25 Mel rose Place 05.10 Sons and Da ughters05.35 Sons and Da u g h t e r s Channel five looks crap today but TV Desk is blaming the computer, not people.

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19.00 The Atheism Tapes Don’t you think this is such a pretentious channel? It’r trying so hard to be like BBC Radio 4 but it’ll never quite get there. Ever. Especially with these shows. 19.30 The DVD Collection 20.00 The World Well that’s a concise programme then. 20.30 The Transatlantic Sessions 21.00 BBC Four Sessions I’m not even going to hazard a guess as to what this is about. You’d think it would be bands giving acoustic sets wouldn’t you? 22.00 Sounds of the Sixties 22.30 QI 23.00 The Mark Steel Lecture I’m pretty sure this is Max Steel’s brother but i’ve no idea why a cartoon character has the knowledge to give a lecture on (posh) BBC4. 23.30 Film: The Princess and the Warrior (1987, Drama) 01.40 The DVD Collection I bought me the complete Blackadder yesterday which means I’ve got twelve hours of the timeless classic to watch! What more could I want this weekend? Well maybe a stunning, willing girl, but I’ll settle for Edmund. 02.10 BBC Four Sessions

7.00 In Search of William the Conqueror I’m not going to tell the people who make this show that he’s dead because it’ll be interesting to see what they do. Will they realise eventually or are they going to fit the history stereotype? I’ll sew on the leather elbow patches. 8.00 Local Heroes 8.30 Local Heroes 9.00 People's Century 10.00 Days That Shook the World 11.00 Decisive Weapons 11.30 Decisive Weapons 12.00 Secrets of World War II 13.00 Millennium 14.00 Days That Shook the World 15.00 People's Century 16.00 Local Heroes 16.30 Local Heroes 17.00 Decisive Weapons A look into to the seedy world of Gary’s crotch with it’s apparent mind of it’s own. Yeah, you’re not fooling anyone with that. 17.30 Decisive Weapons 18.00 Secrets of World War II 19.00 Millennium 20.00 Days That Shook the World 21.00 People's Century I’m sure the people of America might dispute this because of good ‘ole Mr Cunt Bush. (thats right I couldn’t go a week without mentioning him, it would be plain wrong!). 22.00 Local Heroes 22.30 Local Heroes There are no heroes where I’m from. Worcester is totally devoid of any form of talent or prowess. 23.00 Decisive Weapons 23.30 Decisive Weapons 0.00 Secrets of World War II It was actually started by some gremlins in Goa drinking flaming sambucas. The moral of this story children...don’t play with matches. Look what you could begin... 01.00 Close It’s a joy to watch this channel when it ends.

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18.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 19.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 20.30 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas 21.30 Real Life: 22.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 23.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live 0.30 Coronation Street 1.00 Coronation Street 1.30 Late Show with David Letterman 2.25 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live Oh for fucks sake ITV2 never shows any good shows and leaves too much space for me to fill! At first it was good because I could rant on and try and change the world. Now i’ve realised that no one listens (apart from when I swear, cunts) so there is no point! I’m off to see the Vandals this Sunday and if anyone is going, I’ll see you there. I still haven’t found a good gig partner so if anyone is willing, write to letters or something. The God Awfuls will be the band to watch, they’re fucking awesome so don’t say I never share my pearls of musical wisdom with you. That’s all about that now because I’m finally running out of space. And relief.

Hot Property five 8pm

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6.00 GMTV 6.00 GMTV News 7.00 GMTV Today 8.35 Entertainment Today 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 10.50 ITV News Headlines 11.55 ITV News Headlines 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 I Want That House 14.30 The Feel Good Factor Pure unadulterated sex. 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Miffy and Friends 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.35 Sonic X 16.00 Finger Tips 16.20 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 16.30 Help! I'm A Teenage Outlaw 17.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.25 Queen's Speech Broadcast by Plaid Cymru The Party of Wales Why? Their policies are about as useful to the civilised world as an inflatable dartboard, or a chocolate teapot, or a solar powered torch. You get the idea. 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Airline 21.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! I’m a post grad in Cardiff but you don’t see me going on national TV and complaining. 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Crime Secrets 23.30 The Food Awards Ceremony 0.35 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 2.00 The Paul O'Grady Show 2.55 Entertainment Now! 3.20 Mixmasters 3.45 Trisha 4.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

E

6:00am: CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 6:25 Noah's Island 6:50 There's a Viking in My Bed 7:05 Metalheads 7:30 I Love Mummy 7:55 Newsround 8:00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 8:20 Tots TV 8:30 Boo! 8:40 Pingu 8:45 Little Robot 9:00 Balamory 9:20 The Roly Mo Show 9:40 Tweenies 10:00 Sergeant Stripes 10:10 Yoho Ahoy 10:15 Bob the Builder 10:30 What? Where? When? Why? Technology: Things We Wear: Weather Wraps 10:45 The Maths Channel 11:05 Hands Up! The Iron Man 11:20 Primary Geography 11:40 BBC Primary History 12:00 FILM: County Hospital (1932) 12:20 Trade Secrets Secretaries reveal how they manage to give excellent blowjobs under tables and swallow without anyone else noticing. I think medals are in order for that skill. Or just a practical presentation. 12:30 Working Lunch 13:30 Snooker: UK Championship 17:10 Weakest Link 18:00 Snooker: UK Championship 18:30 Strictly Come Dancing: It Takes Two 19:00 Snooker: UK Championship 20:00 Hidden Gardens 20:30 Gardeners' World 21:00 Empire Warriors 22:00 QI 22:30 Newsnight 23:00 Newsnight Review 23:35 Snooker: UK Championship 0:35 FILM: The Big Combo (1955) 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Two Religions: Two Communities 2:30 The Copulation Explosion 3:00 Getting It Right 3:30 Rothko: The Seagram Murals 4:00 Harlem in the 60s 4:30 Glasgow 1998 - Supporting the Arts 5:00 Global Fantasy 2

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19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Body Hits 20.00 Trauma 20.30 Little Angels 21.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 21.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli For kick ass, read fucking nutter. The guy presenting this is insane. He almost killed someone last week! He’s like one of those kids when you’re at school...’it won’t hurt I promise...I just want to bend your arm behind you and snap it upwards...it won’t hurt I promise’ 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Outlaws 23.00 New Little Britain 23.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.30 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.00 Mind, Body and Kick Ass Moves with Chris Crudelli 01.30 Outlaws 02.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 03.00 Who Rules the Roost? I guess it’s TV Willy at the moment. I’ll stage a coup soon though and claim my rightful place. 04.00 Close

Blockbusters Challenge 8pm

06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 The Crystal Maze 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 100 Per Cent 10.30 Soap Addicts 11.00 Bruce's Price Is Right 11.30 Family Fortunes 12.00 Wheel of Fortune 12.30 Catchphrase 13.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 14.00 Blockbusters 14.30 Bullseye 15.00 Celebrity TV Bloopers 16.00 The Crystal Maze 17.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? What’s the point when you already know the answers? 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 19.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.00 Blockbusters 20.30 Bullseye 21.00 Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 0.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 0.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 01.00 Takeshi's Castle 01.30 Takeshi's Castle 02.00 Fort Boyard 03.00 House of Games 03.30 House of Games 04.00 100 Per Cent 04.30 Family Fortunes 05.00 Wheel of Fortune 05.30 Teleshopping

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 9:15 Britain's Streets of Poverty. 10:00 Homes under the Hammer 11:00 Cash in the Attic 11:45 Trading Up 12:30 European Nightmare 13:00 BBC News; Weather 13:30 Regional News and Weather 1:40 Neighbours 14:05 Doctors 14:35 Murder, She Wrote 15:20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15:25 CBeebies: Nicole's Furry Friends 15:35 The Koala Brothers 15:45 CBBC: Mona the Vampire 16:10 Blue Peter 16:25 New Scooby and Scrappy Show 16:35 The Basil Brush Show Bang, bang and he’s dead. 17:00 Blue Peter 17:25 Newsround 18:00 BBC News 18:30 Regional News Programmes; Weather 19:00 A Question of Sport 19:30 Top of the Pops 20:00 EastEnders 20:30 My Dad's the Prime Minister and you’re a spoilt brat with gold digging friends. Good one. Dickhead. 21:00 French and Saunders a.k.a. ‘Fat and Man’. 21:30 Have I Got News for You 22:30 Regional News and Weather 22:35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23:35 FILM: Lightning Jack (1994) 01:10 FILM: Halloween 5: Revenge of Michael Myers (1989) You’d think the director would have stopped when he got to number two, or maybe three, but five bloody Halloween films? I reckon it was a bet which he lost and had to carry on making the films until he actaully went insane. You would if you watched the fucking thing. Avoid. 02:50 Joins BBC News

Trade Secrets BBC2 12.20pm

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Nicoles Furry Friends BBC1 3.35pm

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6:00 Neighbours 6:30 As Time Goes By 7:10 It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum 7:50 Doctors Falling for Jason I know someone called Jason but I don’t think he was filmed for this show. Shame. 8:25 EastEnders 9:00 The Bill 10:00 Holby City 11:00 Casualty 12:00 Doctors 12:40 EastEnders 13:20 Last of the Summer Wine Piss head. 14:00 Bergerac 15:00 The Bill 16:00 Holby City 17:00 Casualty 18:00 Bergerac 19:00 It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum 19:40 Last of the Summer Wine 20:20 The Good Life A documentary not concerned with the life of the TV Desk because we slave away for hours to bring these gems of media to you. Although I do get to justifiably look at porn for a few hours to find the best pictures for the picks of the day. No really, it takes hours of intense searching and, as everybody knows, someone’s got to do it. 21:00 22:15 The Royle Family 23:00 FILM: The Peacemaker (1997, Action) 01:20 The Fast Show 01:55 The Fast Show 02:30 Weakest Link 03:25 The Bill 04:25 Where the Heart Is 05:25 It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum

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Saturday

November 22 - 28 2004

Page 29

TVDesk@WipeTheFloorAtTheEmmys.net/FuckYou.Gervais

PRIMETIME

19.00 Little Angels 19.30 Film: "Days of Thunder" (21.15 3 Non-Blondes 21.30 Spooks 22.30 New Little Britain 23.00 Conviction 24.00 Conviction 01.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (02.00 My Life in Film 02.30 Anna in Wonderland (Exorcist) Documentary. Anna from Big Brother (not a joke, goes to see America’s most popular and successful Exorcist, to see if he can remove the foul beste that seems to have taken over her face. Rare footage shows the foul demon taking posessive control, and asking the exorcist a few questions. Arf! 03.00 Booty Queens 04.00 Close But basically, it’s all about the fact my copy of The Arcade Fire album got imported last Thursday, and there was a TV desk reunion with TV Andy, Holly, John, Steve and Amy at Twisted By Design, Cardiff’s best club ever. Fact. To be honest, if you weren’t there, you’re scum.

6:00am: Breakfast. 9:00 Weekend 24. 10:00 Saturday Kitchen. 11:30 The Plantsman. 12:00pm: See Hear 12:45 Film 2004 with Jonathan Ross.The foppish fuckwit presents Kevin Spacey talking about playing Bobby Darin in a film. What a crap idea legend!1:15 FILM: Crack-Up. (1946) 2:45 The Rockford Files 3:35 Monk. 4:15 The Return of Sherlock Holmes. 5:10 What the Papers Say Who cares what they say, you should be caring what your award winning gair rhydd is saying about the nation’s climate. 5:20 Snooker: UK Championship. 7:00 Porridge. 7:30 The Little Prince. 9:00 Snooker: UK Championship. 10:30 Have I Got News for You. 11:00 FILM: The Long Riders. 12:35am: FILM: Hav Plenty. (1998) Impossibly poor sounding Hip-Hop themed comedy in which a struggling bum spends Christmas with a rich family. Sounds like it was dragged slowly out of Friday’s diseased rectum. Avoid. 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Hidden Visions. 2:30 Lifelines. 3:00 Sickle Cell - A Lethal Advantage. How exactly is having sickle cell an advantage?3:30 Lost Worlds 4:00 Making Contact. 4:30 Something in the Air. 5:00 Catching the Good-Health Train. Which one would that be then, the one that derailed in Berkshire, or the one I caught in the summer to London which hadn’t seen air conditioning in several hundred years and simultaneously had no idea how to open a window. 5:30 Cancer Pioneers. 5:45 Background Brief. Fnarrrrr!

6.00 GMTV. 6.00 Boohbah. 6.20 Ni Ni's Treehouse. 6.40 Boohbah. 7.05 Diggin'it. 9.25 Ministry of Mayhem. Stephen, Holly and Michael are joined by Lemar and Bradley Walsh from Coronation Street Since when was Lemar in Coronation Street? 11.30 CD:UK. 12.30 ITV News; Weather. 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather. 12.40 Coronation Street Omnibus. 2.55 FILM: Operation Dumbo Drop. Wartime film about soldiers trying to transport an Elephant through the jungle. Dear God. 4.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather Regional news round-up. 5.10 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather. 5.25 Harry Hill's TV Burp. Last in the series. I’ve managed to miss all of them. Great. 5.55 With a Little Help from My Friends.6.55 The X Factor. 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.00 The X Factor Result. 9.45 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Who the fuck are Nancy Sorrell, Fran Cosgrave,and Antonio Fargas when they’re at home? 11.15 ITV News. 11.30 The Frank Skinner Show. With Shane MacGowan. YES. Especially now The Pogues have reformed in their original line up. THIS IS NOT TO BE MISSED YOU WANKERS. 0.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!2.00 Miss World 2004: You Decide. 3.20 CD:UK. 4.10 Entertainment Now! 4.35 Cybernet. 5.00 ITV Nightscreen. 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 11.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 5.55 The Xtra Factor: Xcess All Areas. 6.55 Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's Orange Playlist. 7.30 It's Good to Be... Kate Hudson. 8.00 The Xtra Factor. 9.00 The Planet's Funniest Animals. 9.25 Movies Now. Jude Law, Dustin Hoffman, Mark Wahlberg and Naomi Watts in the quirky comedy I Heart Huckabees. Despite apparently having Jude Law in it, I think this fim sounds pretty good, and I might, just might, go and see it in the cinema. Uncut magazine recommended it, and they’re rarely right wrong. 9.45 The Xtra Factor Result. 10.10 The Biggest Women in 11.15 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 0.15 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live. 0.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 1.30 Jerry Springer.2.15 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! Live.

19.00 Gitta Sereny Talks to Kirsty Wark 19.30 The Book Show: Rose Tremain 20.00 Mutant Mouse 21.00 Film: "Nine Queens" (2000, Thriller) 22.50 City of Men (It Has to Be Now) 23.20 BBC Four Sessions Series of unique concerts featuring musicians from around the world. This edition features Irish singer/songwriter Damien Rice with songs from his best-selling album. Jesus Christ has this man not plugged this album to death yet. I was given a copy of this around this time two years ago and it was old news then. The lazy paddy, write some new songs you fuck. And make them less crap this time! 24.20 Mutant Mouse 02.10 Superfly 03.10 The Book Show: Rose Tremain 03.40 Close 19.00 Gitta Sereny Talks to Kirsty Wark 19.30 The Book Show: Rose Tremain 20.00 Mutant Mouse 21.00 Film: "Nine Queens"

Last of The Summer Wine Uk Gold 7.40pm

07.00 Franco: Spain and the Dictator 08.00 Local Heroes 08.30 Local Heroes 09.00 People's Century 10.00 Days That Shook the World 11.00 Decisive Weapons 11.30 Decisive Weapons 12.00 Secrets of World War II It was fought over kitchen utensils, Himmler was secretly a goat, erm, 21,000 citizens of Drseden were secretly employed by Ford to advertise the Model T by wearing participating in raunchy wet t-shirt contests. Fnnnar 13.00 Millennium 14.00 Days That Shook the World 15.00 People's Century 16.00 Local Heroes 16.30 Local Heroes 17.00 Decisive Weapons 17.30 Decisive Weapons 18.00 Secrets of World War II 19.00 A History of Britain by Simon Schama Schama. What a joker. Nothing on Dave is he? When has the Schameister ever told Michale Burke to fuck off live on air? When? I also seem to remember Simon predicting that we would be seeing a President Kerry on November 3rd. Hmmm. What a parasite on the lives of everyone. 20.00 Days That Shook the World 21.00 People's Century 22.00 Local Heroes 22.30 Local Heroes Simon Weston 23.00 Decisive Weapons 23.30 Decisive Weapons Boris Becker goes into a fish and chip shop and says to the seller “do you batter anything in here”. The seller says “Hey Boris, yeah, we have a frier so effectively we could batter anything” So Boris unzips his trouser and whops his wanger on the counter. “In that case, batter this. So the man behind the counter looks, and says...

06.00 Teleshopping 07.00 Gladiators 08.00 Knightmare 08.30 Knightmare 09.00 Fort Boyard 10.00 Takeshi's Castle 10.30 Takeshi's Castle 11.00 It's a Knockout 12.00 Don't Try This at Home! 13.00 Creative Power Breaking 13.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 14.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 14.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 15.00 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 15.30 World's Craziest Outdoor Outtakes 16.00 Going Straight (New Episode) 17.00 I Dare You 18.00 Takeshi's Castle 18.30 Takeshi's Castle 19.00 Creative Power Breaking 19.30 International King of Sports 20.00 Going Straight 21.00 Monkey Business 21.10 US Guinness World Records 22.00 PacificPoker.com UK Open 24.00 International King of Sports

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.00 RAD - The Groms Tour 11.30 Xcalibur 12.00 Beyblade (When in Rome... Let It Rip!) It’s no wonder the English are so popular abroad. 12.30 Duel Masters 13.00 Combat Club 13.30 The Chart 14.00 Dawson's Creek 14.55 Film: "A League of Their Own" 17.20 Film: "Hercules and the Circle of Fire" 19.00 Charmed Jason breaks up with Phoebe when he finds out her sisters really are witches. Well you would wouldn’t you? 19.45 five news and sport 20.05 The Dead Zone Johnny is exposed to mindaltering drugs which have a uniquely adverse effect on his brain. That bloody aspirin, it’s a killer. 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Murder Prevention Tense drama series about a police unit which aims to prevent murders before they are committed Anyone else seen Minority Report then? Obviously not the makers of this piece of trademark Channel 5 biscuit flange. Sorry, that’s terrible. I meant five of course. 23.00 Film: "The Accused" 01.00 Law and Order 02.00 Film: "The Rape of Dr Willis" Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah ! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halleluja h! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Halleluj ah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallel ujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hall elujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Ha llelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! H allelujah! Hallelujah! etc...

PRIMETIME

Nine Queens BBC 9.40pm

Your Union

6:00am: CBeebies: Fimbles. 6:20 Fimbles.6:40 The Story Makers.7:00 CBBC: Astro Boy. 7:20 The Mummy 7:45 Arthur. 8:10 Taz-Mania. 8:35 The Scooby-Doo Show. The Spirits of '76. That’s right, This episode of Scooby Doo appears to be named after a song by (ace eighties Welsh rockers) The Alarm. Respect. 9:00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow. 11:00 Top of the Pops Saturday. With Razorlight, the talentless shitters. 12:00pm: BBC News; Weather. 12:10 Football Focus. 1:00 Grandstand 1:05 Snooker: UK Championship. 2:20 International Rugby Union. Scotland v South Africa. 3:30 Football Update. 3:40 International Rugby Union. Scotland v South Africa. 4:30 Final Score 5:25 BBC News; Regional News; Weather. 5:45 Can't Sing Singers The Cardiff group can’t sing a single note, by the looks of things. You’d think that would be the point, but no, they’re still too crap even for this program. Which sounds about right. 6:35 Strictly Come Dancing. 7:40 National Lottery Wright around the World. 8:20 Strictly Come Dancing. 8:40 Casualty. 9:30 Billy Connolly's World Tour of New Zealand And I hope you stay there you filthy cunt. 10:10 BBC News; Weather.10:30 Match of the Day 12:00am: FILM: Shout at the Devil 2:15 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Keane, who put the ‘Virgin’ into Virgin Radio. 3:15 A Question of Sport Why?

Frank Skinner ITV1 11.15pm

P R I M E T I M E

Digginʼ’ It ITV1 7.05am

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6:00am: Birds of a Feather 6:35 Charlie’s Angels 7:35 Doctor Who Omnibus 9:00 9:40 Last of the Summer Wine 10:20 Last of the Summer Wine 11:00 Last of the Summer Wine 11:40 Last of the Summer Wine 12:20pm: Last of the Summer 1:00 Last of the Summer Wine 1:40 Last of the Summer Wine 2:20 Last of the Summer Wine 3:00 Last of the Summer Wine 3:40 Last of the Summer Wine 4:20 Last of the Summer Wine 5:00 Last of the Summer Wine 5:40 Last of the Summer Wine 6:20 Last of the Summer Wine 7:00 Last of the Summer Wine 7:40 Last of the Summer Wine 8:20 Last of the Summer Wine That’s right, UK Gold are showing 12 straight hours of Last of the Summer Wine. 9:00 Only Fools and Horses 10:05 Absolutely Fabulous 10:45 Absolutely Fabulous 11:20 dinnerladies 12:05am: Only Fools and Horses 1:10 Absolutely Fabulous1:50 Absolutely Fabulous2:30 dinnerladies 3:15 Jack Dee’s Happy Hour 3:55 Charlie’s Angels 4:50 It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum 5:25 It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum

BUY ANY LARGE PIZZA AT REGULAR PRICE & GET A 2nd for SMALL £2 MEDIUM £3 LARGE £4 – DELIVERED!


Sunday

Page 30

November 22 - 28 2004

i’vegotablackc@hilariouscomedy.com

6.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 10.10 The X Factor 11.15 The X Factor Result 11.55 The Xtra Factor Result 12.30 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.15 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.55 The X Factor 20.00 The Xtra Factor 21.00 The X Factor Result. 21.45 The Xtra Factor Result 22.15 Movies Now 22.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here Now! 23.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 0.30 Coronation Street 1.00 The Frank Skinner Show 2.00 Undeclared 2.30 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 3.30 Emmerdale Omnibus This channel doesn’t even deserve any comment because it’s a sack of balls. This week I made a new ‘super’ mix cd to play in the office. My song of the week has to be Eight of Nine by The Ataris I think I’ve overplayed it. This week you should go and buy the Mxpx album, Before Everything and After because it’s superb. Each track has a guest band singing in duet. What more could you want? Oh and they’re Christians if that helps, or not.

George Shrinks five 9.30am

19.00 The DVD Collection 19.30 Wild Weather Just look to Wales. What did they do wrong? 21.00 Akenfield Revisited 21.40 Film: Akenfield Akira would have been a much better film to show and people might have actually tuned in. You know I’m right. 23.15 Orphans of Nkandla 0.35 The Famine Business Mine’s bigger than yours. No, it is. 01.25 The DVD Collection 01.55 Akenfield Revisited 02.35 Orphans of Nkandla 03.55 Close Can someone remind me of the point of BBC4? They show about three hours of wank every night and still no one does anything about it! I can say these things now and expect some changes because we’re an award winning TV Desk! With gair rhydd winning the ‘best paper’ award last week that makes us an award winning section too! No...honestly. I told you my coming along would bring new and fruitful endeavours. So, listen to me BBC4, change your schedule and actually broadcast some worthwhile shows or don’t bother because there is always to much space to fill with utter drivel (see above).

09.00 UK Guinness World Records 10.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 10.30 US Guinness World Records 11.20 Ultimate Guinness World Records 11.50 UK Guinness World Records 12.50 Ultimate Guinness World Records 13.20 US Guinness World Records 14.10 Ultimate Guinness World Records 14.40 UK Guinness World Records 15.40 Ultimate Guinness World Records 16.10 US Guinness World Records 17.00 Ultimate Guinness World Records 17.30 UK Guinness World Records 18.30 Ultimate Guinness World Records 19.00 US Guinness World Records 19.50 Ultimate Guinness World Records 20.20 UK Guinness World Records 21.20 Ultimate Guinness World Records 21.50 Monkey Business Yeah I’m sure someone’s fiddled the listings...again 22.00 PacificPoker.com 0.00 World Poker Tour: Ladies' Night 01.40 UK Guinness World Records 02.40 US Guinness World Records 03.30 House of Games 04.00 House of Games 04.30 Gamesmaster 05.00 Gamesmaster

6:00 Charlie’s Angels 7:00 Doctor Who Omnibus 9:00 Are You Being Served? 9:40 Are You Being Served? 10:20 Are You Being Served? Documentary about the plight of students in the George on a Saturday night. And the answer, if you were in any doubt, is no. 11:00 Steptoe and Son 11:40 Steptoe and Son 12:20 Steptoe and Son 13:00 Open All Hours 13:40 Open All Hours 14:20 Open All Hours 15:00 Are You Being Served? 15:40 Are You Being Served? 16:20 Are You Being Served? 17:00 Steptoe and Son 17:40 Steptoe and Son 18:20 Steptoe and Son 19:00 Open All Hours 19:40 Open All Hours 20:20 Open All Hours 21:00 Sharpe 23:05 One Foot In The Grave 23:45 The Thin Blue Line 0:25 Sharpe 2:15 Men Behaving Badly 2:50 Men Behaving Badly Let’s hope the burberry wearers all burn in hell! May sound harsh, but they’re all, universally, cunts. 3:25 Chef! 4:00 Charlie’s Angels 4:55 It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum 5:35 Neighbours Another ‘premiere’ from the 1980s. They do know it’s on BBC1? Don’t they?

M I E M I R

M I E M I R

P R I M E I M E

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 WideWorld 06.30 Dappledown Farm 06.55 Tickle, Patch and Friends 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Peppa Pig 07.35 Funky Valley 07.45 Make Way for Noddy Noddy finally realises he’s driven the flea bitten bear away for good but is now faced with a big book of poo. It arrived on his doorstep the other morning and he still has no idea who sent it, or what to do with it. All he know is it’s attracting flies and he’s not gonna be able to bring another carebear home with shit outside his house. When he finds who sent it, he’s not going to be a happy toy... 08.00 The Book of Pooh 08.35 The SaveUms! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 09.00 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.25 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.00 Billie, Girl of the Future 11.30 A Different Life 12.00 FAQ 12.35 Eastern Encounters 13.05 The Chart 13.40 Film: Columbo: Last Salute to the Commodore (1976, Crime) 15.30 Film: The Battle of Britain (1969, War) 18.00 five news and sport 18.10 Film: Jack Frost (1998, Comedy) This isn’t very funny cos it’s too bloody cold at the moment to have a film about cold weather. Bring back the watershed porn. 20.00 Britain's Worst... Home 21.00 Film: The Running Man (1987, Science Fiction) 23.00 World's Wildest Police Videos 23.55 Natural Born Racers 0.25 Ironman Triathlon: Lake Placid 01.15 NFL Live Denver Broncos v Oakland Raiders 04.45 Argentinian Football is still shite.

E

07.00 A History of Britain by Simon Schama Don’t worry, if you miss this now, (because I know you’ll be glued to your screen at 7am on a Sunday morning) it’s repeated later on, and every hour next week. 08.00 Local Heroes 08.30 Local Heroes 09.00 People's Century 10.00 Days That Shook the World The day TV Manners joined TV Desk and changed the face of these listings forever. 11.00 Decisive Weapons 11.30 Decisive Weapons 12.00 Secrets of World War II 13.00 A History of Britain by Simon Schama 14.00 Days That Shook the World 15.00 People's Century Cunt. 16.00 Local Heroes 16.30 Local Heroes 17.00 Decisive Weapons 17.30 Decisive Weapons See, if I do it subtly, no one will notice if I swear... 18.00 Secrets of World War II ...but if you did, shhhh. 19.00 Decisive Weapons 19.30 Decisive Weapons 20.00 Decisive Weapons 20.30 Decisive Weapons Can you see the pattern emerging? 21.00 Decisive Weapons Yes...? 21.30 Decisive Weapons 22.00 Decisive Weapons What you have yet to realise is that every single one of these episodes is exactly the same. 22.30 Decisive Weapons I mean, come on, how many people actually watch UKtv History on a Sunday night? 23.00 Decisive Weapons 23.30 Decisive Weapons 0.00 Decisive Weapons 0.30 Decisive Weapons 01.00 Close TV Desk has now decided that any channel is better than S4C. Anyone dispute that? Didn’t think so. Haha!

E

6.00 GMTV 6.00 News 6.10 The Sunday Programme 7.30 Diggin'it 8.25 Up on the Roof: Including Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Totally Spies. 9.25 Finger Tips 9.35 Art Attack 10.00 Scary Sleepover Gary wanders in starkers and pissed out of his skull. Enough to scar any child for a considerable period of time. 10.30 The Championship 11.15 My Favourite Hymns 12.15 Faultlines 12.45 Waterfront 13.15 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 14.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.15 FILM: The Absent-Minded Professor (1961, Comedy) 15.55 Oliver Twist 17.55 The (Un)forgettable Sid James Someone should really check these listings for typos. This show was clearly meant to be The Forgettable Sid James but don’t worry, I’ve added the brackets... 18.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Heartbeat 21.00 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! On second thoughts, leave all the z list twats there and make the show much more interesting by seeing how long they can survive without any food. I’d give them two days before they turn to cannibalism. 22.30 ITV News 22.45 The South Bank Show 23.45 Sex and Religion Wow, finally we can watch some monk and nun porn. It’s taken long enough. 0.40 I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here! 2.00 Trisha 3.15 Today with Des and Mel 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

P

P R I M E I M E

E M I E M I R P

19.00 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions 20.00 Who Rules the Roost? 21.00 New Little Britain 21.30 New Little Britain 22.00 New Little Britain 22.30 New Little Britain 23.00 New Little Britain 23.30 New Little Britain Well BBC3 have really taken this idea and run with it! I know, let’s show the only programme that people watch us for and repeat it all night long. It’ll send the ratings through the roof! Surely! No it fucking won’t. 23.55 Nighty Night 0.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 0.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 01.25 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions Isn’t her only asset her arse? I mean her music is only worthwhile in a cheesy club scenario and you can’t tell me anyone actually plays Spinning Around in their house? Oh come on! Stop reading, you don’t deserve me. 02.20 Who Rules the Roost? 03.20 A Picture of Africa It’s kinda orange and sandy. 03.50 Close The end of another fantastic night on BBC3. Thankyou so much.

6:00 Fimbles 6:20 Fimbles 6:40 The Story Makers 7:00 CBBC: Looney Tunes 7:05 What's New Scooby-Doo? Well pretty much nothing cos they stopped making new cartoons years ago. Dumb schmucks. 7:30 Smile 10:30 Sunday Style 12:00 Shoebox Zoo 12:25 Shoebox Zoo 12:50 The Future Is Wild 1:15 Sunday Grandstand 13:20 Ireland v Argentina 14:10 Rugby League GB v Australia 15:00 Snooker: UK Championship 18:00 Bill Oddie in Tiger Country 18:40 Natural World 19:30 Every Home Should Have One A big floppy donkey willy. Fun for all the family! Both parents and horny teenagers can have fun with this! Well my house has one...what about yours? 20:00 Snooker: UK Championship 21:30 Match of the Day 2 23:30 Top Gear Now I know fuck all about cars but this show is actually good because it’s amusing! Jeremy Clarkson and co. do have some good stuff to say. Just ignore the kev lads in the background drooling over the latest ‘alloys’ or something. 0:30 FILM: Initiation (1987) 2:00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills for Adult Learners: The Tool Kit to Communicating: Making the Best of Yourself 3:00 The Tool Kit to Communicating: Talking with Others Haha this show is clearly for the social rejects among us. Step 1 is finding someone to talk to...now that is the difficult part. 4:00 Confidence Zone 1 You are a strong, powerful man/woman and everyone loves you (repeat to fade). 5:00 Confidence Zone 2 You’re a loser. Oops sorry.

Local Heroes uktv History 8.00am

Your Union

6:00am: Breakfast 8:10 Match of the Day 9:30 Breakfast with Frost 10:30 Down to Earth 11:30 Countryfile 12:30 The Politics Show 1:30 EastEnders 15:25 The Blue Planet A critical insight into the dominance of porn in today’s socety. Go and knock on your flatmate’s door, I bet he’s having a wank right now. 16:15 Keeping Up Appearances 16:45 Last of the Summer Wine 17:15 Songs of Praise Ok, what the hell is BBC1 up to? How few programmes are there on a Sunday? How much do I have to sodding write? 17:55 Fungus the Bogeyman 18:45 Antiques Roadshow 19:35 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 20:00 Elton John: An Ivor Novello Tribute I got confused when I first read this and thought the dead guy was paying tribute to the poof but it’s clearly the other way around. One to miss then. 21:00 North and South 22:00 BBC News; Weather 22:15 Panorama 22:55 Seven Wonders My willy, TV Katie’s boobies, Gary’s snake, TV John’s hair, TV Willy’s dangly belt, TV Holly, TV Holly’s blowjob lips. 23:35 FILM: Out of Bounds (2003) 1:10 Joins BBC News 24 Well this is fucking superb...all this space to fill with random thoughts. Went out at the weekend in lovely Wolverhampton with my girlfriend, and one of her friends was a 34G. They were like big swimming pools. I think someone drowned in her cleavage. Her breasts should carry some sort of warning cos they’re a serious danger to foolhardy boys who might fall in and get lost forever...what a thought...

Up On The Roof ITV 8.25am

P

The Blue Planet BBC1 3.25pm

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Five Minute Fun

November 22 2004

Page 31

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

?

The Big Quiz* * Does anyone even read this bit? Answers on a postcard, or an email, or a carrier pigeon, or... a trained sturgeon.

2. What’s love got to do with it....? A: What’s love, but a second hand emotion. B: Absolutely nothing, it’s just cheap meaningless sex. C: Ever ything. It’s a love of fun that brings me to the office week after week. D: Not much if you’re a Welsh farmer. E: None of the above.

‘He said what?!...’

Hurrah! We’ve ripped off the classic caption competition. Answers on the back of an email to the usual address. Best one wins the honour of being featured next week.

3. Why is today’s page looking so lame?

A: The random and completely inaccurate use of the word random? B: The identikit ponchos gracing the shoulders of half Cardiff’s female population? C: The post-ironic mullet (or the‘emotional haircut’ as my housemate likes to refer to it)? D: Those like people who like totally like overuse the word like. E: All of the above

A: My brain is saturated with useless French plays and thoughts about existentialist crap. B: It’s not lame - you’ve just read too much highbrow academic stuff recently and lost all sense of what is actually funny. C: The gair rhydd office is now being run by a group of illiterate monkeys (no change there then). D: I was abducted by aliens last Tuesday and haven’t been quite the same since.

Annsummers: 1.E, 2.C, 3.A

1. Which of the following current trends is most irritating?

Win two meals for one at The Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant. Two meals with rice (Excl. King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlik).

Well, it’s official kids - gair rhydd is the best newspaper in the country. Pats on the back and general smugness all round. I will accept your praise, even though I wasn’t here for the winning issue and this page is consistently mediocre. I have, however, spied a few of you reading five minute fun and smiling, which gives me a warm and happy feeling inside. On reflection, I hope you’re laughing with me and not at me. Either way, it’s good to know that I’m making the world of Cardiff Uni a better (but not neccessarily safer) place to be. Ok, enough sentimental shite. I’ve become quite attatched to the picture below so this weeks tie breaker revolves (tenuously) around it. All the love,

Sarah

in the event of a tie . . .

What is your favourite food and why?

Six Degrees of... 1O

2

O

3

O

4O

5

O

6

O

This week it’s a tough one. Six film stars, all you have to do is link them via the films they’ve been in. No prizes are given for being a smartarse and getting a shorter route from one to six than we did.

Name: _____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ Favourite Food: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Answer: Uma Thurman to George Clooney (Batman and Robin) to Salma Hayek (From Dusk till Dawn) to Antonio Banderas (Once upon a time in Mexico) to Anthony Hopkins (The Mask of Zorro) to Jodie Foster (The Silence of the Lambs)


Letters

Page 32

November 22 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page Too-many-letters-can’t-fit-anything-in. Good going everyone. Perri

Fembot. Like a robot, but with a much shorter skirt Dear gair rhydd, We are writing to say, in response to an article in issue 775 written by Victoria Caudy, chill out tiny! Her thoughts about 'fembots' are both old-fashioned and outdated. The opinion that no one 'normal' wears make-up to lectures shows how far from reality she really is. Although some girls may be beyond help and have given up trying, most people like to make an effort with their appearance. As for saying it's too cold to wear a short skirt in autumn, what would she recommend? Thermal undies? Can't imagine that will attract anyone, especially not a future husband. Hasn't she ever heard of a beer jacket?! It also appears she thinks the only reason to visit a nightclub is to look for a boyfriend. Maybe if she made a bit more effort she wouldn't Please email your letters to

grletters@cf.ac.uk prizes

As always, our lovely friends at Ster century are giving the ‘letter of the week’ writer a pair of tickets to see a film of their choice.

We will endeavour to print anything that we think is worthwhile, but please remember that we do have space restrictions and some standards of decency. Please also note that the views expressed in these letters are not necesserily the views of Letters Desk or gair rhydd.

text

have to search so hard – the joke's on her in a way. We're just grateful that there aren't too many girls like her, and those that are must not leave their houses very often. Regards, Two happily married, short-skirted, made up for lectures 3rd yr. Optometry students.

There’s more uproar in the fembot camp Dear gair rhydd, We ‘fembot’", as Victoria Caudy fondly labels us, do indeed wear short skirts and boots during the day and contrary to what she believes to be normal, we wear make-up during the day too – shock horror! She’s a small, dirty mind if she thinks that wearing a short skirt means you are a slapper and further, that its effect will prevent any possibility of getting a boyfriend. That really is a silly thing to say. There is nothing wrong with being fashionable and feeling sexy. If you can’t wear a skirt when you are this age, then when can you? We believe you should wear whatever you feel comfortable in. If a short skirt makes you feel good, then so be it: likewise if a pair of jeans and trainers is your thing, then wear that. Obviously, if you plaster make-up on, forget the skirt and just wear a belt, it’s not so good – but each to their own! People always make judgements about others, but at the end of the day, it’s their problem if they form an incorrect impression of you. Have fun with fashion and express yourself with whatever colours, fabrics and styles you desire. People should wear whatever they feel like wearing. Making the most of yourself makes you a confident, productive person. Dressing in a mini-skirt doesn’t mean you look like a ‘whore’ as Victoria

states – if you do like to wear miniskirts, carry on doing so and be proud of those pins! Amy, Amirah, Anna, Cheryl and Colleen. Proud, feisty ‘fembots’.

There’s no getting away from controversy Dear gair rhydd, A few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I walked back to her car on Westgate Street after work on a Wednesday night to find some arsehole(s) had decided to dance on the roof and bonnet causing over a grand’s worth of damage. After reporting the incident to the police (who promptly did fuck-all, as one would expect) we got a letter from South Wales Police saying how sorry they were that we’d been victims of crime, that there was counselling available (bollocks to counselling – catch the fucking crims! That’s what we pay you for!) and that if we thought the crime was in any way racist or homophobic then to report it straight away (implying that if it was, they might actually put their speed-traps away and catch some real criminals – the racists and homophobes). Now, morals of racism and homophobia aside, why should the motive of a crime have any effect on the way the police tackle it, or the way it is punished? Surely, if someone from Unite Against Fascism (sic) or some similar violent far-left lunatic fringe were to assault me for allegedly being a Nazi (which I’m not), then should that not logically carry the same penalty as some cretin who goes queer-bashing on account that he doesn’t like gays? Or should we send the message out to people that it’s ok to assault someone as long as you don’t agree with their views? Hardly. On the other hand, the current message suggests that if you are an ethnic minority or homosexual, you are more important than everyone else. I thought we lived in a world of equality, so everyone is treated the same, regardless of ethnicity, sexuality,

Slagging off skirts is simply sexist

are bins banned in cathays?

see if they take up the challenge to the anonymous author of ‘comeplay with my shotgun’. its nice to know there are other sane people around

its serious now. i went to the registry office and asked for me course records! i need to get me sum heleeium balloons, seeerious!

i need a button-hole coz i have a plan 4 those ribbons!

this page needs some letters from the lecturers.

yeah but no but yeah but no but yeah but no

i love come play kim. she makes me do a sex wee!

Yours, Andrew Caldicott

A pointless protest? Dear gair rhydd, I was pleased to see our Students’ Union support ‘Duck Off,’ the anti topup fee’s march, (front page gair rhydd 774) In this sense, I believe that peaceful protest is a crucial feature of a democratic society, and I will be supporting the march on December 2. However, some protests are unwelcome. As a student looking for job opportunities last Tuesday at the AIESEC careers fair, I was not pleased to see the People and Planet society's protest. I hope everyone read Geordies column the week before last. For those of you that didn’t, it showed how this protest was founded on untrue speculation and hearsay. For example, the protesters claimed that Rolls Royce supplied weapons to China. In fact Rolls Royce doesn't even manufacture weapons; they make plane engines. Before we get into a technical debate over a plane's status as a weapon, let’s remember that planes powered by Rolls Royce engines have liberated Kuwait and Kosovo in recent memory. Finally, the Chinese couldn't even use Rolls Royce engines in their war planes; they don’t even fit. Besides choosing a faulty point of contention with Rolls Royce, the main point remains that no protest should have been there in the first place. As I stated above, I would personally support a protest in the right time and place: an AIESEC careers fair isn't it. I went to the fair to get information

about careers open to me when I graduate as you’d probably expect from a careers fair! Large employers like Rolls Royce don’t just drive past Cardiff and think, ‘let’s go help next years’ graduates find a job. Somebody behind the scenes undoubtedly works very hard to get them here. In all probability, they aren’t even paid for doing this work for the student body. Therefore, a protest is an insult to their efforts to help students. If they want to protest against Rolls Royce, then why doesn’t their society arrange a trip to protest at head office? Do it in your own time and don’t hurt other student’s job prospects. Simply put, what have the People and Planet society done to improve our employment opportunities? Who benefited from the protest? Since the People and Planet society has been completely discredited from the evidence provided in last week’s gair rhydd, I cannot see that their protest is even beneficial to themselves (besides maybe encouraging them to do a little research next time). AIESEC had the embarrassment and didn't enjoy any benefit either. After seeing the protests, I looked into AIESEC to see what they were. A few Google clicks later, I found that AIESEC ‘promotes cultural awareness, sustainable development and encourages social responsibility’ amongst it’s members and associates. Isn’t that the kind of organisation the People and Planet society should support? I think Geordie summed it up brilliantly in his column in saying, ‘imposing one’s own views on others reeks of fascism’. Similarly, I don’t see the People and Planet society doing anything to help me get an alternative career, nor do I see any substantial evidence why not to work for Rolls Royce. What do they actually do to help students (who are people in our planet!)? The People and the Planet society’s recent letter seems only to provide more speculative and unsupported claims. I really do not see how their hassle made a difference to their cause. Cheers for the article Geordie to set us straight on the issue. Regards, An ethical 3rd Year

letter of the week

07791165837

stop printing negative things bout security staff. and that andrew rennison hasnt a clue. what a sad little boy.

political opinions and so on. And by the same token, they should have no relevance to the motive of a crime. The act is the same and should be punished the same. If there is anyone with a logical argument for the enhanced sentences for ‘hate crimes’ (God, who comes up with this shit?), please enlighten us all with it!

Dear gair rhydd, I've just read Room 101 and I'm absolutely disgusted at Victoria Caudy's pathetic attempt at journalism. I cannot actually believe that I just read something that reeks so much of sexism, and is written by a woman, in a newspaper which is meant to represent the student population of Cardiff. Admittedly, it's hard to believe how some of the women in Uni can dress in short skirts etc. in the midst of a Welsh winter and not get pneumonia. But there's this concept which Victoria does not seem to have heard of, called ‘personal choice’. To say that a woman is not a ‘real person’ because she chooses to wear a skirt and (gasp), make-up to a lecture is one of the most idiotic things I've ever heard in my life, second only to

the assertion that such women are ‘slappers’. Now we get to the really intelligent part. I'll have to quote this because frankly, it beggars belief: ‘Dress like you're out for sex and you have no reason to expect any more than just that’. What the fuck?! I find it hard to understand why anyone, let alone a woman, would endorse the idea that if a woman wears revealing clothes she should expect to have guys wanting to use her just for sex? There really isn't much of a logical jump between Ms. Caudy's above quotation and the old law courts' idea that women wearing miniskirts are asking to get raped an idea which feminists have been trying to fight against for decades, and which Caudy seems tragically ignorant of. For the record, I tend to dress warmly for lectures if it's cold; I sometimes wear makeup, sometimes I don't. I have one skirt in my

wardrobe and I would rather stick pins in my eyes than read something like Cosmo or any other magazine with articles on how to please your man. However, if I choose to wear a mini-skirt and lippy - hell, if I choose to wear just my birthday suit - I would have the right not to be fucking raped, and more than that, not to be called a ‘slut’ /’slapper’ /etc. If I choose to wear make-up to the occasional lecture, it's not because I'm pandering to male desire (I'm living with my girlfriend of four years and do not feel the urge to try to attract anyone else), it's because I want to. Ms. Caudy complains about the message of FHM, yet endorses the very same sexist agenda. Honey, lipstick is no longer the enemy; the enemy is sexist pricks like you. Yours in sisterhood, A pissed off, pro-fucking, profreedom-of-choice, feminist second year student.


Listings

Page 34

November 22 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Fight For Your Right... ...to (Brazilian Capoeira) Party. Student newspaper of the year. Who’d have thunk it? Everyone’s feeling the pressure up in gair rhydd towers now, including Listings. Tension mounted. Sweat dripped. Cheeks tightened. Just as things reached breaking point Phil Jupitus’ continental breakfast soothed, and so...

1

Off The Shelf & Brazilian Capoeira Party @bSb, Windsor Place

Fri 26th Nov / 9pm - 2am / £1

2

T

Capoeiraistas in action. Previously scheduled to happen at Yates’ Wine Lodge, the Brazilian Capoeira Party is now gracing bSb with its lively presence. The party kicks off at 11pm with a wide range of contemporary and classic Brazilian sounds (think bossa nova, Brazilian drum ‘n’ bass and house, samba, etc). The night’s highlight, happening at about midnight, will be solo performances by an international assortment of 10 Capoeira masters which will be followed by them actually playing Capoeira against each other, accompanied by Brazilian percussion and chorus. After the display there will be more Brazilian music of a highlycharged and percussive nature to get the arse moving as well as the feet. Two events, one venue; Two floors, one entry fee (£1). A whole lot of interest and intrigue.

Throughout the week

R

T

Brazilian slave communities. It is known primarily for its astonishing acrobatics and graceful kicking movements not entirely dissimilar to breakdancing (which took various moves directly from Capoeira techniques) and looks a little like two people breakdancing simultaneously in very close proximity. A recent BBC television ident (which most of us will have seen countless times before the news) featured two Capoeiraistas in red tshirts performing continued spinning kicks atop a tall building overlooking London. The party is just one event of a full weekend of events hosted by Cardiff and Bristol Capoeira groups, including various workshops and grading ceremonies for Capoeira students. Thankfully the party is open to all so you, me, and the average Joe can go and gawp at the

@Large In Cardiff

AG Week continues into this week with all manner of fun and frolics. Raising for, and giving to, Cancer Careline, Winston’s Wish and Barnardo’s Cymru, this is frolicing for a good cause. On Tuesday RAG hijack the Film Society’s weekly slot (9pm) at UGC to force the showing of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Book tickets (a mere £3) at the union box office (12-3pm Mon & Tues) if you want to go. You can’t get tickets on the night so plan ahead! Wednesday, RAG will be paying a friendly visit to Rubber Duck in Solus. With a strange twist of geographical and historical fact the theme will be Cowboys Vs Pirates. Thursday night sees RAG leave the safety of the Union to the unlikely destination of Cathays Conservative Club where they’ll launch their new fundraiser,

3 he regular ‘Off The Shelf’ club night and a one-off Brazilian Capoeira Party coincide, by twist of circumstance, at the same venue at the same time to produce in prospect, an absolute corker of an evening this Friday. Off The Shelf has been pulling a crowd and doing the business for several months now at bSb. Residents, the Reload DJs and Kovas spin nothing but the finest real funk, liquid drum ‘n’ bass and fluid breakbeats. These guys are well-established and well-respected on the Cardiff club scene and don’t dissappoint. It’ll be happening on the ground floor from 9pm. Check out www.itsofftheshelf.com for further details. The Brazilian Capoeira Party needs a little more explaining. Capoeira is a Brazilian martial art/dance/game that originated in

RAG Week ‘Laugh In A Pub’ from 9pm. RAG are providing comedians to induce said laughter. Tickets are available from the union box office for £3. There’s a touch of déjà vu on Friday as RAG return to lash for ‘dRAG’ (get it?) and Hideous Kinky where you’ll be able to simultaneously wince and chortle at the sight of people wandering about in scant and fruity attire. Watch out for ‘Midday Money’ on Friday too – a competition to raise the most money in 1 hour. A cue for much stupidity, hilarity, and possibly a couple of knifepoint muggings! (Seriously though, no muggings please. Chugging’s cool - no mugging.) RAG will be giving away prizes and goodies all week but it’s not just a one way street you know. Shake the moths out of your pockets and get rid of all that loose change you’ve been carting about.

The Sorrel Quartet @University Concert Hall Tues 23rd Nov / 7.30pm / £3 NUS

he Sorrel Quartet have performed regular concerts at the university concert hall over the last two and a half years during their residency in the music department, building a large, regular and appreciative audience in the process. However, their residency only lasts until the end of this academic year, affording very limited opportunity to see the quartet in Cardiff. Formed in 1987, the quartet have established themselves as one of the leading string quartets in the UK and have premiered works by many eminent composers.

Tonight they include Hoddinott’s Scena in recognition of the Welsh composer’s 75th birthday. The Sorrel Quartet consistently deliver technically accomplished performances and varied programmes. Tonight will be no exception. The full programme is: Beethoven - String Quartet in C minor, op 18 no 4. Shostakovich String Quartet No 12. Hoddinott Scena for String Quartet. Ravel String Quartet in F. The concert hall is adjoined to the music department on Corbett Road. University music students can get tickets free of charge.


Listings

November 22 2004

Page 35

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

gair rhydd’s day by day listings with muddiman and sefton. If it’s on it could be in. But maybe not. What can you do?

Monday22/11

Tuesday23/11

Comedy Club @Seren Las Colin and Fergus / Steve Williams. 8-11pm £4. Sabotage @Metros Rock, Metal, Punk, Emo £1 entry before 11. Rock Inferno @Clwb Ifor Bach Rock, Metal, Goth. 9pm £2.50 Circular Music Open Session @The Toucan Unsigned talent, anyone can arrange a spot. House guitar provided! 8pm12.30am- £1 after 9pm Soul Motion @Moloko Moloko’s wildly popular Soul Motion night has the finest resident and special guest DJs playing deep funk, rare soul, Tamla Motown, jazz dance and boogaloo. Classic tunes and hidden gems bring out the soul brother or sister in you. 7-2am free. RAG @Film Scocity See facing page Launch Party @Clwb Ifor Bach Camera (formerly known as Wrexham’s The Benjamins) are releasing their single ‘Hurt’ and this is their launch party. See themplaying live with support from joya (a nice band). A little premature as the single isn’t actually out until the 29th. Phil Jupitus’s single of the week – interpret that as you will . . . 8:00pm £4 Live @Barfly Hiding Place / No Hope In New Jersey / Hookieo. Post-Soundgarden dirty space rock offering Hiding Place storm the Barfly stage in support of their new single 'Cruel Kindness' released on November 8th. Lunchtime Concert@St.David’s Hall A pre-concert talk, at 12:15 in the St. Asaph room, marks ten years since the Hall commissioned John Metcalf to compose Paradise Haunts. The composer will talk about the piece and you can hear it for yourself in the concert. 1pm £4 NUS. The Sorrel Quartet @University Concert Hall 7:30pm £3 NUS. (See facing page for further details.)

Wednesday24/11

Thursday25/11

Fun Factory @Solus The Union’s ‘alternative’ night. One Mission have control of Junction (the long bar bit). The Live Music Society do their thang in the back room (see below). The main room gasps as ‘New York, New York‘, ‘Summer of 69’ and ‘Brown Eyed Girl’ fail to make an appearance. Unofficial slogan: “Ah, you might as well - it’s free”. Free entry with NUS, £3 without. On the Side @Fun Factory Live bands every week put on by the Live Music Society in the back room of Solus (now the ‘Xpress Lounge’). Coordinated @Amber Lounge Night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies + Mr Potter. 7-11pm £1 NUS. TV is boring @Moloko Live Music, Art, Dj's & Film over 3 floors. Turn off the TV and free your mind. Free entry 6-2am. New Noise @Metros "Alternative therapy for the musically depressed". New music. New ideas. New noise. Get there between 9 and 10 for the ledgendry, and almost mythical, double + mixer for 80p. £3 before 11. 9-2am. Jazz Attic Jam Session @Cafe Jazz Musicians and singers can sign in at the door to perform (if you’re early enough) with the house trio. Variable quality of playing/singing but always enjoyable. 8.45pm £2 or £1 if you sign up to perform. Open Mic @The Toucan Brought to you by ‘Circular Music’ Fresh from Camden Town. Hosted by Jeff & Rowan 812.30am. £1 after 9pm. Live @Barfly Clinic / The Bravery / Strange Pains. Clinic are from Liverpool, but that's where the similarity with any other quartet ends... Clinic sound like no other band. Go see if you can pin them down. 7.30 pm £7 adv.

Friday26/11

Saturday27/11

Sunday28/11

CinemaWeek

Lashtastic @Solus The Union’s end of week piss-up. Features live jazz band in the bar and Xpress Radio specialist DJs in the Xpress Lounge with a strict ‘No Cheese’ policy. £3 adv. Off The Shelf & Brazilian Capoeira Party @BSB (See facing page for details.) Corner Pocket Soul @Fontana Soul, Funk, Jazz, Latin & Jamaican Rhythms. DJs playing only the choicest sounds from deep record collections. Why can’t all club nights be this good? Fontana, a plush little sofa-filled bar, can be found beneath Topo Gigio restaurant on Church Street (just off St Mary’s Street). Til 3am Full Fat @Moloko Funk, Breakbeats, Hip-hop, Motown, Retro Disco + Electro Boogie. Drinks Promos all night, retro vid's/visuals, regular guest Dj's. Full fat & Antidote present John More (Cold Cut) DJ set plus residents. Free before 10.30 £4/5 after. ABRI-@The Toucan The best Welsh/Bi-Lingual night the City has to offer with the finest up and coming local and national talent! £5. Bar- DJ Chas and Krissy Jenkins. £3.50/free before 10pm. Live @Barfly The Rakes / The Paddingtons / Red Pony. Unfashionably and unashamedly political, yet shot through with humour and devoid of the pretentious moanings of their peers. An impossibly spindly-framed quartet: The Rakes. 7.30 pm £5 adv. Chaos @Metros £2.50 b4 10pm Holodeck @Clwb Ifor Bach Holodeck presents...Pounding Grooves (LIVE) Not only does Holodeck book exellent guest artists, Holodeck makes an extra special effort with decour, uv, projections and lasers. 10pm £8/£7/£6 The Dudes Abide @Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10pm, £3.50 The Elastic Blues Band@Cafe Jazz Presented by Bluesdragon Club. 10pm £3.

Come Play @Solus Trusty student favourite, Come Play aims for the student mainstream and hits the target every time. The ‘Come Play Girls’ have proved particularly popular and lollipops abound. 9-2am £3.50 adv. Cherrybomb @Cathays Community Centre The most interesting night of the week.A festival and club night rolled into one, with live bands, DJs, wide range of foods and drinks, live art, cinema, performances, crafts and stalls selling various goods. A place to go and do whatever you want to do, however you want to do it. Uncertain of times but expect it to go on late. £3 - all money goes to charity. Blueprint @Moloko Retro disco, future house, disco roots. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free before 10pm. Saturday @Incognito Swiss + pals from the house circuit of wales and the west. Guests include Gareth Cortez, Funky Dorey, Cool house, Escape. Til 2am. Uberalles @Barfly New club night with the usual indie suspects and sweaty atmosphere. Delinquent @Metros Alternative and new music. 9-3am free with flyer before 10pm/£4. The Mothership Convention @The Toucan Presents D’Booga Cardiff’s answer to Groove Armada – led by Keyboard mad professor ‘Steve’ and fronted by the sweet soulful voice of ‘J’ £5. Bar- DJ Chaz and Kris Jenkins £3.50/free before 10.30pm Live @Barfly The Mooney Suzuki / Upper Room / Pinstripe Mafia. "A lot of people have been talking about rock 'n' roll coming back," says Sammy James Junior on the final night of a tour with The Strokes, "The Mooney Suzuki never knew it was missing...." 7.30pm £7 adv. Ritual @Clwb Ifor BachFrom the people who bought you Rock Inferno, comes a new night. A better night. Though I’ve no idea what kind of night it is. I suppose the implication is that it’s a rock night, but you never know... 9pm £3. That'll Be The Day @St. David’s Hall Rock’n’roll variety show: two hours of non-stop nostalgia. Gah! 7.30pm £12.NUS.

Rubber Duck @Solus 10-2am £3.50/£3 adv. Wednesday social @The Barfly Relax and soak up the atmosphere or even play an impromptu set…? 12noon-2:30pm. All Three Floors @Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco, Popscene: Indie, Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations! 9.30pm £2.50 (NUS). Cheapskates @Metros Alt & Cheese. 9-2am. Hang the DJ @The Model Inn Bring your music and play it. From 8pm. Free. ElectroMoloko @Moloko Electro’, beats, mash-ups, punk-funk, mayhem. 8-2am Free. Traffic @The Philharmonic Our very own DJ and clubbing society’s weekly night. 81am. Free for members/ £1 NUS. Dungeon’s @The Toucan Rock Club Featuring Live Rock Bands and special £1 drinks promotions! Free before 9pm/£2 after. In the bar...Bread And Butter- Night of Hip Hop and New Beats. £2 free before 10pm. Film Society @UGC Blair Witch Project (Whaddya mean we said it was last week?) 9pm. Live @Barfly Aconite Thrill / Dopamine / White Rabbit / The Blackout. With a distaste for pigeonholing, Aconite Thrill are successfully playful with a number of sounds and styles. Comparisons have been erratic with almost every division of alternative music thrown in for good measure. 7.30pm £5 adv. Bang!@Barfly New raucous midweek indie-ness as the popscene gang branch out with a new offshoot. After a few months of queues, sellouts and hectic-ness at their usual haunt, they’ve invaded barfly. 10.30-2 am £3.50/£3 NUS Telstars Theatre Company @Chapter Arts Centre Family Planning by Frank Vickery. Wed-Sat 7.30pm. Jones O’Connor Group @Riverbank Hotel. Shit-hot jazz quartet. 9pm £4/£3.

Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party @Seren Las The Union’s weekly jazz venture, presented by the Cardiff Student Jazz Society. This week Uncle Midriff’s Jazz Party ...goes Latin! with the Ian Poole Quartet. Drummer, Ian Poole fronts a formidable line-up of local jazz musicians, including bassist John Morton, saxophonist John Farrow and pianist Dave Jones. Playing hard and driving latin jazz pieces the band promises a night to be savoured by the dance-inclined and sedantry jazz-lover alike. The live band will be followed by a DJ playing salsa, mambo and other latin music. 7pm £2. Sunday @Incognito Audio Chefs' end of the week: a night that takes you where-ever you want to go. So long as it involves nothing but house music. 8-12.30pm, Acoustic Bar @The Toucan Acoustic open mic sessions. The City’s best loved acoustic session where anyone can get up and Jam or just relax and listen. Hosted by Pete Driscol And Paul Zirvas. 8pm-12.30am £1 after 9pm. Cleverdick Quiz @The Taf Questions and stuff. MedClub Quiz @MedBar 8pm. No Wax @Moloko Bring your MP3's and you be the DJ! Free entry. 7pm-2am. Live @Barfly Hi-On Maiden. Plus classic rock DJs. Til 2am £6 adv. Space To Fill@Listings Page Space to fill and axes to grind = listings whinge. If the person who services the coffee machine in the TV Lounge is reading this, it’s out of sugar. What’s happened to the Cheese and Pickle sandwiches the Union Shop used to sell. They were the choicest of sandwiches. Bring them back. I stubbed my toe. It hurts. Melatonin is most definately having a laugh at my expense. I just ate Phil Jupitus’ continental breakfast.

Kick Back@BSB The Live Music Society steamroller rolls on with yet another regular night in Cardiff. This time it’s acoustic open mic business. The sort of night that could very well become the backbone of a vibrant student music scene. Get there now so in years to come you can claim to have been there at the beginning. 8-12pm free. Twisted By Design @The City Arms Alternative 8.30-2am Free. Judgement Night @Metros £2.50 or less. Soundbytes @Journeys Live (electronic) performances by local artists. 8pm free. Hospitality @Moloko Cardiff’s premier hip-hop and d‘n’b night. Free before 11pm 8-2am. Violet Row @The Toucan With Sweet Fontaine & Eric. The best up and coming bands with DJs playing rare vinyl, from the Stones to the Stone Roses. Free CD of the night’s bands included on entry! 9-2am £4. Bar @The Toucan Boomshanka Live Acoustic Soul & Hippy Funk with The Pockets and Chucky Egg. 8pm-1am £3/£2. Live @Barfly Hundred Reasons/ Reuben/ Twofold. Starting out afresh after parting company with their record label, Hundred Reasons promote recent single 'How Soon Is Now' at the Barfly. Don’t bother putting it in your diary now, its too late. Sold Out. 7pm. Devious @Barfly Rock, Metal, Old School. City’s newest rock night. 10.30-2am £3. Uprising @Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska. Excellent night.10pm. £3. Juice Joint @Clwb Ifor Bach Juice Joint presents...Mongoose. Strut back into the future with Juice Joint... For the second monthly event Juice Joint will be taking over Clwb with two floors of funk. 9pm £5/4. Live @St. David’s Hall Glenn Miller Centenary Tribute Concert with Chris Dean and the Syd Lawrence Concert Orchestra. 7.30pm From £12.50. Julian Siegel Quartet @Cafe Jazz Fantastic saxophonist with top band. 8.45pm £7/£5 NUS.

@Chapter Arts Centre Market Road, Canton / Box Office No: 029 2030 4400

AN ARTS centre that comprises cinema, gallery, theatre, bar, cafe and shop, Chapter is consistently the best place in Cardiff in which to expose yourself to all things creative. Their film showings, ranging from blockbusters to independents to foriegn films, is arguably the major attraction. In recognition of their all-round spiffyness we present here a weekly glance at the various filmic curiosities they have on offer. (Consult www.chapter.org for times)

The Twilight Samurai Mon 22, Tue 23 Nov/Japan/2002/129 mins subtitled/12A. Dir: Yoji Yamada Late 19th Century samurai, Seibei Iguchi, struggles to survive with his two daughters and elderly mother following the death of his wife. Gaining a sudden reputation for swordfighting prowess, he begins to think his luck might be change only to be caught up in the shifting turmoil of the times and assigned by his superiors to confront and kill a renowned warrior. Nominated for the 2004 Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film. The Corporation Fri 26 Nov–Thu 2 Dec/Canada/2003/145 mins/Dir: Jennifer Abbott, Mark Achbar. Award-winning documentary concerning multinational corporations. CEOs, whistle-blowers, brokers, gurus, spies, players, pawns and pundits participate in the quest to reveal the corporation’s inner workings, curious history, controversial impacts and possible futures. Featuring interviews with Noam Chomsky, Michael Moore, Howard Zinn and others.


Gair Rhydd Problem Page

Page 36

The Phil Collins Photo Casebook EP.3 WEEK 1

Dr. Matthew grproblempage@cardiff.ac.uk - “Only trust the sensible,”

Bored Students Seek Thespians Herr Doctor, As should be evident from this correspondence with you, we have a

Phil was in the shower. All of Moira’s hair has fallen out, and his big man arms have fallen off because of a lack of tuna. He hears a noise!

Drying himself, and looking at himself in the mirror (quickly), Phil decides to investigate the odd noise emanating from outside.

November 22 2004

problem. It is as follows: having spent the last year doing the usual student thing (you know - going out, drinking, being noisy, missing lectures, doing as little work as possible; and repeat ad finitum) we find ourselves in a state of melancholic inertia. You see, we feel despondent and regret the fact that we are not making the most of our time at uni. We do not want to leave and have nothing to show for it except some proletariat degree and a few vomit stained garments! NO! So, in an attempt to reconcile our deficiency, fulfilled opportunity wise, we thought we’d try joining a few societies. What a tremendous failure that turned to be! Not only were we doing exactly the same things as before (carousing about, not going to lectures etc), we were now doing them with, well, a bunch of twats. Needless to say we neglected to attend societal meetings fairly promptly. Status quo is maintained. Our latest endeavours have so far proved no more fruitful – we decided we might try going to the theatre for a little cultural enhancement. ‘Chicago’ was to be our first foray; but alas, tickets they had not! Here lies the crux of our problem. There is nothing else that we particu-

larly want to see at the moment (and we don’t want to go to the Sherman – we don’t like amateur dramatics; bloody thespians), so, can you, Dr. Matthew, think of a way for us to get into ‘Chicago’? Failing that, any ideas for the worthwhile fillage of the remainder of our university time? We must act fast Herr Doctor, before it is too late! Yours in anticipation, 4 2nd years Did you know that I’m not some plotter of festivities? I’m not a walking, talking, profanity spitting calendar. I don’t even have nice boobies to peruse whilst you’re asking me to fulfil such requests, and I especially don’t have any numbers written on me, or pins and post-its at that. However, did you know that at least 79% of all agony aunts have some variety of terminal illness? Did you know that at least 76% of those agony aunts have, at some stage, smoked heroin and regularly use Prozac? No. Neither did I. That’s why I made it up. Another question: did you know that I had legs? Rare, for an agony aunt, that. Hmm. I am at a loss: chiefly because I have legs, but more because all I can think of is "Doing The Chechen Rebel." Of course, this is in disgusting taste – remarkably because they are terrorists but more significantly because they wear silly outfits to do the terrorism. And because violence is obvi-

ously the solution to most of the world’s problems, I can’t offer anything peaceful either; that would be wildly inappropriate and I might lose my job. Unfortunately for my paraplegic comrades in the Agony Aunt Business, I’m not so familiar with the narrative of Chicago – although I know it involves some chairs and a prison. And maybe even a gun or six. Of course, what I’m suggesting is that instead of paying the thespians to keep thespianing about, why not do your own production in the kitchen? It’s easy enough to procure a weapon (see: Nottingham), and much easier to find a chair. Perhaps you could add some art-cinemanoir twists to it, use a LOT of pointless adjectives and shoot your friends in the face. Guaranteed prison, lots of exposure, and another chair to sit on. Still, the upper circle in a theatre offers an ideal location to fling pompous audience members into the inferior, proletariat, lower section – complete with burning feather boas, binoculars reaching terminal velocity and fat women DEFECATING as they comprehend the possibility of touching some council estate tenants. Rent someone’s helicopter (I don’t fucking know, all my associates have no legs), bore out those replica 9mils and have a great big thespian party. Just ensure you wear some halfdecent terrorist garb, eh? Matt

Get Off The Pavement Dr. Matthew, Where I come from there exists what I like to call "pavement etiquette", which involves mak“By Jove, Philip.” cries Edd the Duck, “I’ve been searching high and low for your delightful face! You must go now to the moon!”

And so Phil went to his private Launchpad and set off to the moon for reasons unbeknown to him. He had another shower on the way!

Continues next week..

ing way for other pedestrians so that they do not become an obstruction to motorists. If a group of people are talking by the side of a road, they part so that you do not have to place yourself in danger. So, I was deeply troubled when walking to lectures the other day to find a large number of people (five) gathered on a pavement corner who refused to move out of the way. Faced with the possibility of being hit by a car as ‘twas a blind corner I politely said “excuse me”, unfortunately eliciting no response. Trying further made no difference and so eventually I took my life in my own hands and walked around them in the road. As you can tell I am not dead but that’s not the point is it? What should I do next time doctor, as I feel incredibly

weak and need to gain some self-esteem on this issue or I may cry. Thankyou very much Lance A, 3rd Year "Like most technologies, pavements are in the wrong hands." Fitting interpretation, doubtless, yet I’m not so convinced myself, but that’s only because I’m too busy playing "don’t step on the crack - you’ll break your back" to notice any barbarian hordes usurping the pavement. Where I come from there exists what I like to call "Cycle Lanes", and a subculture of ex-pavement-users – exhausted, disaffected and sore of foot – have arisen on this plain in retaliation to the use of pavements as impromptu board meetings for the mainstream pedestrian faction. Or has it? I don’t walk anywhere, my friends have cars. Anyway, these ‘Cycle Lanes’ are as rare as they are a shit colour, and there is fast developing a subsub-culture of dead cyclists, ran over by vehicles moving on the feared nemesis of the ‘Cycle

Lane’. This large splinter-group incorporates Bastard Large Articulated Lorries (BLAL!) and Multi-User-Wheeled-Transport (MUWT!), and is called a ‘Road’. Which apparently means ‘Radical, Ostentatious And Dastardly’. I plan to blow them all up and skip across the debris, thus making me the champion. I can sympathise slightly, which is quite a large admission given my current status as a scamp, but this only because sometimes my friends’ cars break and my feet are forced to do things in tandem. This is rare however, so my sympathy is slight and pointless. Basically Lance, you should propel them in to the road instead. Anyone with a number of brain cells can see that this is the logical alternative to strolling on it yourself. Failing this underhand (yet funny) tactic, why not shout ‘MINGE!’ and see how that goes. Matthew.

Nightline : 029 2022 3993

How to be a Student With An Opinion. - Have a broad acknowledgement of politics. E.g. "George Bush is a bad man." - Eat Vegan food with a side-dip of mayonnaise. - When writing, use "fuck" constantly: this makes you cool. - Use the word “cool” to impose your obvious superiority over everyone else that said "Apathetic" once, but didn’t contextualise it properly. - Say "contextualise" and "fuck" together, in a sentence to do with going to the chip-shop. - Discuss George Bush with the chip shop owner, and impose your obvious superiority over his profession by highlighting the fact that he is not a Vegan. AT ALL. - Sympathise with Guevara because he was quite cool. - Scorn top-up fees even though daddy pays the rent. - Assume everyone wearing "chav" clothes is a degenerate, not minding the fucking Che Guevara patch you contextualise your cool anti-Bush T-shirt with. - Go to a protest for something that sounds cool, but that you have no idea about. - Say "ironical" – and "random" and read The Guardian with one knee over the other and say "how random" and "George Bush is a bad man." - Be as cynical as is humanly possible – sarcasm coupled with "fuck" and an obscure band and a metaphor concerning asceticism and something else equally RUBBISH to prove that you can tie your shoe-laces whilst saying "I’m into Veganism me, fancy some mayonnaise?" - Save the world at least once by travelling abroad and smoking marijuana, then telling some starving kids that "George Bush is a bad man." - Accept other people’s opinions, as long as they are those that adhere to everyone else’s caustic prose about Being A Nihilist From A Nice Background. - Criticise The Matrix sequels a bit more. - Link that to George Bush again (look up Zionist, it’s more fun).

Dr. Matthew’s Surgery Exactly how cool is cool? 0800-THORPESMITH Half-Life 2 but no Internet? 0800-IHATEEVERYTHING Been caught commando? 0800-GRIFFITHYOUSCAMP


Gary Rees, Union president, November 2004

“The Athletic Union, in my view, has not been adversely affected to any great extent.”

Spor t gair rhydd

Issue 776 22 November 2004 | Email: grsport@hotmail.com Sports Editors: John Stanton and Thom Airs

The AU viewpoint

Ironing out

Gary Rees on the situation in the Athletic Union Back page

Golf team suffer at the hands of UWIC Page 39

IMG ACTION: Below

IMG heats up as Engin motor past Carbs A E L B OW GREASE: Engin and Carbs get stuck in

GROUP BONDING: A Carbs player steers clear of the Engin party

PHOTOS: Adam Gasson

AS THE PRE-CHRISTMAS phase of the IMG passes its half-way stage, crunch games in netball, football and rugby filled the afternoon schedules last Wednesday. In the football group stages, Engin A (above and left) scored three unanswered goals to

take maximum points from their encounter with fellow high-flyers Carbs A. Unfortunately, due to printing deadlines we do not have a full rundown of results and tables from the IMG. All details should be available on www.cardiffstudents.com/au/

Cardiff caught in Bullets’ crossfire By David Pruett and Philip Stark, American football reporters THE COBRAS SUFFERED a second successive defeat on Sunday, going down 12-19 to close rivals Bristol Bullets. With the two teams searching for their first win, both sides began with intent. On Bristol’s first possession, Cardiff's Steve Smith forced a turnover by stripping the ball from the running back to give the Cobras great field position. However, Cardiff were unable to capitalise, as the Bullets’ safety pickedoff quarterback David

gair rhydd

GR SPORT FOLIO This week, Gareth Evans talks to football firsts captain Simon Yates about IMG, missing eyebrows and bribing bus drivers...

Pruett to kill the Cobras’ drive. Cardiff’s defence again came up big on the next possession as linebacker Iyad Al-Dandachi intercepted the ball, giving the offence another short field to work with. Some great blocking from the offensive line allowed Cardiff to advance the ball to the two-yard line before Pruett went in on a QB sneak to open the scoring. The PAT was blocked. Both teams exchanged punts on their next possessions before Bristol running back Anthony Amissah broke away for a 30-yard score. Chris Taylor scored the PAT to make the score 7-6 to the Bullets. They would score again before the half as missed tackles from Cobras defenders allowed Amissah to run for

THE KICK-OFF of the IMG football season meant a welcome return to the anarchy of Wednesday afternoon fixtures, dubious refereeing decisions and players kicking the shit out of each other. But we should never lose sight of the more serious footballers that represent Cardiff University. So meet Simon Yates, men’s firsts football captain. When asked if he had ever participated in the battlefields of IMG he replied, "Erm, IMG, yeah I did play once…but never again!" These boys mean business and train three times a week in order to avenge the disappointment of a close secondplace finish last year.

his second score, a 54-yard effort. The two-point attempt failed. That made the score 13-6 at the halfway point. Some good tackling by the Cobras defence ensured Bristol did not get far on their first possession after the half but they were able to leave Cardiff in trouble as punter Chris Taylor managed to land a punt on the Cardiff two-yard line. After a short gain on a QB sneak, Cardiff handed the ball off to RB James Godfrey who found a seam behind centre Phil Hume and guard Colin Pugh and raced 74 yards before being pulled down. Buoyed by this, the offensive line gave Pruett great protection and he found WR Andy Hardy for an 18-yard

score. The two-point attempt failed. Unfortunately for Cardiff, on their next possession, Bristol, seemingly fired-up from conceding a score, drove the ball the length of the field before QB Kurt Dunn ran it in from 11 yards for the score. PAT failed. The score was now 19-12 going into the last quarter. From then on, both teams seemed able to drive the ball but the offences got bogged down in the red zone, unable to come away with scores. Some hard hitting from the Cardiff defence still created turnover opportunities with Cardiff ’s Mark Richards stripping the ball from the Bullets’ running back. His return, however, was

called back after officials ruled that his knee was down when he stripped the ball. Cardiff ’s offence was unable to capitalise on the turnover. With less than three minutes left in the game, Cardiff again got the ball pinned on their own four-yard line after another great punt by Taylor. With the clock against them, Cardiff went to the air to try to tie the score. Some great catches by rookie WR Tom Wilson, veteran WR Andy Hardy and tight end Shane Riches allowed Cardiff to drive the ball deep into Bullets’ territory but the Bullets’ safety was able to pick off Pruett to close out the game.

Yates is a 21-year-old Law student, currently in his third year, so finds little time to do much else except eat, sleep and breathe football (apart from drinking gallons of beer at the social events). Yet, as a youngster in Bournemouth, he showed just as much promise with an oval-shaped ball, representing the South West region as a scrum-half. But from the age of seven or eight, Simon has played football to a high standard and played for his county at schoolboy level. In his first season as captain, he seems to be in control of a well-oiled machine. His team are unbeaten in their first four matches, including an

impressive 4-0 win over the Medics. "There’s definitely a good chance that we’ll win the league this year, and that’ll give us a chance to play in the Welsh Cup." The football club also boasts a very well-managed social section. The football club committee has two social secretaries and two tour managers, one of which is Mr Yates, "In the last two years we’ve been to Salou and Antwerp, we sometimes play matches but usually it’s more of a lads’ holiday. This season we’ll probably go to one of the Greek islands in Easter time to catch some early sun." Previous tours have seen missing eyebrows, people jumping out of third-

floor windows and lots of drink, so if this is anything to go by then the Easter tour should be a belter. As for the initiation of the freshers, they played an away game in Southampton with a deliberately long coach journey home to maximise drinking time, "We bunged the driver 50 quid so he let us drink on the bus and we got hammered. The freshers ran round in their boxers and were made to buy random items in Tesco." It’s all going swimmingly for Simon at the moment: captain of a successful football team and a soonto-be lawyer. But if something were to go wrong, I’m sure he’d be welcomed back to the no-man’s land of IMG.


Hockey Special

Page 38

November 22 2004

grsport@hotmail.com

Goughs’ doubles beat Gloucester Brothers combine to ensure men’s hockey secure their fourth win in a row and are now challenging for top spot in the league By Gareth Owen Hockey Correspondent CARDIFF WERE confident in their ability to play the better hockey and this was evident as the ball was passed around the pitch with speed and accuracy, making the visitors work hard to keep the dangerous Cardiff forwards at bay. However, it was not long before Cardiff ’s good work was rewarded when a Will Marshall effort was parried into the path of Nick Gough, whose simple finish made the score 1-0. A solid defence based around the returning Jim Denning kept any Gloucester attacking play to a minimum. Goalkeeper Adam French had little to do except watch as Cardiff played their best hockey of the season so far, Gough soon scoring his second, finishing with a well placed snap-shot after turning well in the D. Gloucester were unable to get to grips with the distribution of midfield maestro Duncan Courtney, and chances were arriving more frequently as striker Paul Hayes came close with a well-struck effort after good play between both forwards and

winger Martyn Freshman. Continued pressure saw the third goal of the game come from a slick short corner routine, as captain Tony Gough decided not to let younger brother Nick take all the plaudits, effortlessly deflecting home just before half time. Gloucester came out well after the break, a change in tactics giving the home team trouble as they found themselves under pressure for the first time in the game. Cardiff reacted well though, their superior ball skills allowing them to deal with the hassling tactics of the visitors. Cardiff ’s dominance was underlined as they overwhelmed the opposition defence, leading to the fourth goal of the game and Tony Gough’s second, resulted in the ball sailing past the goalkeeper’s head. Gloucester frustration was evident as indiscipline in the tackle and bickering amongst the players crept into their game. Duncan Courtney’s strike from another short corner made the score 5-0, effectively crushing Gloucester’s remaining morale. The rest of the match passed as a near training match for Cardiff, allowing fresher Henry Cole to make his first team debut at right wing

MIXED FORTUNES: Action from the week’s BUSA games, which saw one victory, an interclub draw and a defeat for the women PHOTOS: Charlotte Harries without a problem. The relaxed mentality, however, led to complacency and allowed Gloucester to grab an unexpected goal, sloppy defending leaving a man unmarked at the back post. Cardiff quickly dispersed any thoughts of a comeback though, as Hayes got his reward for good build

Thirds upset the odds to steal point from seconds By Ed Jones Chief Hockey Correspondent CARDIFF SECONDS successfully avenged the 4-0 defeat of a few weeks ago with a hard-earned 2-2 draw at Talybont. The seconds began confidently and created opportunities with good

movement and ball pace. Thirds ‘keeper Oliver Perigo was called into action by a Matt Jenks effort. Their early pressure told when Ryan Brignell capped a fluid second team move with the opening goal. Matt Jenks switched the ball from right to left, giving Brignell time to neatly slot the ball into the far corner.

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

STICKING AT IT: Seconds gain valuable points against university rivals

From then on, the thirds began to dominate. The impressive Sam Major, discarded by the seconds at the start of the year, was a continual threat and drew the third team level before halftime. The second XI lead was restored, however, when Alex Hume struck home from a penalty corner. The second half also saw the seconds show early promise. Matt Jenks created space for himself but his badly struck effort came back off the post. Again, Perigo was called upon to make some important saves. However, the thirds soon began to stamp their authority on the game. Their passing and movement was far superior to their below-par opponents. Sam Major scored the equaliser and could have made it a hat-trick had his claims for a penalty-flick not been turned down. It was a game both sides came close to winning. Ryan Brignell spurned a fine opportunity to save face for the second XI. At the other end, thirds’ captain Howard Hardy-King could have snatched victory for his men but struck the post right at the end. He was rightly proud of the result though, saying: “The whole team were outstanding today – definitely our best performance of the season so far.”

up play in the previous goals, scoring his first of the game after a quick break down the left. That was quickly followed by crowd favourite Chris Rhodes meeting a Marshall crossfield ball, Rhodes clipping the top of the backboard with a first-time effort from the top of the D to finish the scoring

off at 7-1. Skipper Tony Gough was obviously delighted with his team’s performance, commenting, “I’m really happy that we played the hockey we knew we could for the whole 70 minutes, especially in such a crucial match, and it’s always nice to score yourself!”

Women ‘keep having the same problems Ladies made to pay for absence of goalie for second week in a row By Cazz Earl Hocley Correspondent ONCE AGAIN BLIGHTED by injur y, ladies’ hockey succumbed to Bristol in a highscoring encounter. Losing the services of first choice ‘keeper Kelsey Boddingtonin in the pre-match warm up, Vikki Taylor sportingly agreed to don the kit and a fine performance earned her the Player of the Match award. Bristol were quick to take advantage, converting a penalty corner early on with an impressive drag-flick. They consolidated their lead with another goal shor tly after, this time from open play. Cardiff overcame the early disappointment and displayed real determination.

An improvement in their play proved that they had the skill and drive to give Bristol a good contest with some good possession at the end of the first half. Their persistence was rewarded when Donna McCormick conver ted a penalty corner moments before the half-time whistle. The second half was a very different encounter. From front to back, a surge of confidence and enthusiasm ran through the team. Bristol did well to increase their lead but Cardiff kept responding positively with Sarah Dunn and Sophie Blair the other scorers. The final 5-3 scoreline did not reflect the team’s desire and skill that had been evident throughout a close encounter.

Due to restricted space, unfortunately we cannot print all BUSA tables, results and fixtures. For all this information, visit www.busa.org.uk


University Sport

November 22 2004

page 39

grsport@hotmail.com

Fore-lorn

Awesome lacrosse blitz Bristol By Sally Phillips

Medics Broken By Chris Allen

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

D R I V E N T O D E F E AT : C a r d i f f l o s e a g a i n

Men’s golf rooted to the bottom of the table as rivals UWIC cruise to 4-2 victory By Billy Hemstock CARDIFF UNIVERSITY GOLF team cemented their position at the foot of the table after losing for the sixth successive time to a classy UWIC side. With the humiliating 6-0 defeat to UWIC on the first day of the season still fresh in the memory, Cardiff hoped a reversal of fortunes would inspire an improbable escape from relegation. Even though Cardiff were yet to amount one single point from their five league matches, there was renewed optimism within the ranks after the recruitment of Welsh Home Nations player Alun Davies from the School of Medicine. The standard of play was marred by the adverse weather conditions as rain and some severe wind made scoring difficult. Playing at Cardiff's home course, Radyr Golf Club, home advantage was slight as most of the UWIC team play the course regularly. Reversing the order hoping to sneak a result, Cardiff were led by Paul Milford. Struggling to find his game in the conditions, Milford lost the first five holes and failed to recover, losing six

and five. Out second was James Millard who played Luke Stevens in a closely-contested match which went in Millard’s favour after nine holes. Cardiff's renewed optimism was somewhat justified at the halfway stage where Cardiff led in four of the six matches. Reflecting such optimism was a crowd of Golf Society members who followed the game through the closing holes. Third out was Rich Union who understandably struggled to compete with Welsh international Jon Holmes. Holmes won the match 43, adding another point to UWIC's tally. Already two matches down, Cardiff needed a quick response if they were to attain their first win. Fortunately, that’s exactly what they got, with David Thomas winning 6-5. Unfortunately for Cardiff, Millard, who was leading for most of the match, lost the last three holes and succumbed to a two down defeat. However, Cardiff battled back in hope of a draw, winning the fourth match two up. The last match went in favour of UWIC with Alun Davies losing 4-2.

INDIFFERENT RECENT form was cast aside on Wednesday, as Cardiff men’s football firsts thrashed the Medics firsts 4-0. Two goals in each half secured bragging rights for the university side in this action-packed derby. Much of Cardiff’s early opportunities came thanks to the influential Mark Lucas, who drifted between flanks and caused havoc in the Medics defence. His best effort was a twisting run and shot which just went wide. When Cardiff’s breakthrough finally came on the 20-minute mark it was not in the most convincing fashion. Some nice work by right back Ross Herrick resulted in the release of midfielder James Caine, whose cross hit a medic defender on the forearm, resulting in a dubious penalty decision in Cardiff’s favour. After protests from the Medics’ coach, winger Lucas slotted the ball home from 12 yards. Cardiff continued to dominate, with Lucas and central midfielder Toan Ravenscroft pulling the strings in midfield. Lucas was unlucky not to score twice, both opportunities coming after poor clearances from corners. The winger’s snapshots were superbly denied

by some acrobatic saves from Medics‘ keeper, Luca Moransi. The Medics finally bowed to Cardiff’s pressure after a fine ball from Ravenscroft set James Leighton free down the right and his cross was put away, via the post, by an onrushing James Caine. The Medics eventually managed to get out their own half on the stroke of half time, but their number nine was denied by a goal-line clearance from defender Dave Wilson. The second half continued where the first had left off, Cardiff applying much of the early pressure, as the Medics’ 18-yard box resembled a pin ball table at times. The inevitable third goal came as a terrific Simon Yates cross fooled Medics ‘keeper Moransi, whose weak punch landed at the feet of Cardiff number nine Will Thompson who beat one man before smashing the ball into the back of the net for his first of the season. Thompson had two further opportunities to add to his goal tally, but missed on both occasions, after Medics man-of-thematch Rob Isaac cleared his first effort off the line, and Moransi smothered his second. In the final minute, an in-swinging corner from Lucas found Man-of-the-Match Toan Ravenscroft creeping in at the back post, and he nodded in Cardiff’s fourth.

Bristol cements Cardiff ’s position at the top of the table and, with two BUSA matches left, the ladies team stand every chance of making it through to the play-offs for the premier league.

Cardiff 12 – 3 Bristol 2nds

PHOTO: Nick Parnell

ANOTHER COMPREHENSIVE victory ensured that the ladies’ lacrosse team remain the university’s only unbeaten side. Bristol posed a potential threat to the record but were swept aside with relative ease. The onset of blistering winds could not hold Cardiff back. After the first goal from strong midfielder George Ewer, there was no stopping them. Izzy Try, who netted twice, commented, "Despite constant pressure from Bristol we kept our focus – resulting in some awesome goals". With the absence of Cardiff ’s regular goalkeeper, Frances Williams and Lydia Hartridge took up the challenge. They proved competent understudies as they repelled most of what was thrown at them. A four goal cushion at the interval ensured the second half, while not a

formality, was a comfortable one for Cardiff. The power of player of the match Rosie Poynour was immense and with some fantastic tactics around goal it wasn’t long before Cardiff ’s goal tally hit double figures. Making her debut for the first team, Celine Southall played with great determination and no little skill, fitting into the attacking unit brilliantly. The defensive unit mounted a metaphorical brick wall around the goal, keeping Bristol’s shooting chances to a minimum. Midfielder Sue Chandler was impressed with the defensive display, commenting that "communication in defence was top class". Sally Phillips kept up her belligerence in defence and Kate Davey was a force to be reckoned with both in attack and defence as she drove through the opposition. This outstanding win against

Griffin leads ladies’ charge By Emma Jones DESPITE A three-hour coach journey and a 45-minute wait for the referee, Cardiff ladies’ football firsts travelled home from Marjons with a win after a hard-earned 2-1 victory. Marjons started off the brighter of the two teams but could not convert their possession into chances and, after a shaky first ten minutes, Cardiff slowly worked their way into the game. By the half-hour mark Cardiff should have been ahead, but some wayward finishing, particularly by Emma Jones and Kelly Turl, kept the game scoreless. Just before half time, Aileen Griffin converted a Georgia Alcock corner to give Cardiff a well-deserved lead. After the break, Cardiff continued to pressure the Marjons defence, with Jess Baker providing some surging runs down the right wing. Griffin grabbed her second of the game with a cheeky lob over the Marjons ‘keeper. Although Marjons scored a late consolation, the Cardiff defence stood firm, with Turl in particular putting in some well-timed challenges.

Rugby run comes to an end at hands of Gloucester By Sarah Bellingham CARDIFF LADIES’ RUGBY were left disappointed yesterday after a 41-5 away defeat to Gloucester ended the team's unbeaten run. Despite a closely-fought first half, Cardiff's heads dropped and Gloucester began to widen the gap, taking advantage of some basic mistakes and an often flawed defensive line. Gloucester's first try was answered with a score from outside centre Jess Bain. This came after quick hands from the backs spread the ball wide across the field to create an overlap. However, Gloucester didn't take long to regain their lead, scoring twice more after Cardiff struggled to

hold them off. There was only a tenpoint gap at half-time and still everything to play for. Cardiff were plagued with injuries in the second half, with key player Katherine Gubb forced to leave the field due to a painful recurring calf injury. Sophie Lebrun was also injured, suffering a sprained ankle in the final few minutes of the game. Hooker, Beth Kenure, suffered severe bruising to her shoulder and a suspected minor break in her collarbone, but continued through the pain in a heroic effort to reverse the team's misfortune. The second half saw Gloucester increase their lead against a dispirited Cardiff side. The Welsh team failed to respond with any more points.

Gloucester's playing style was different to that of previous opposition, the team incorporated the backs much more and it seemed to take Cardiff by surprise. There were several missed tackles and some poor passing under pressure. Some players, however, were commended for improvement in their tackling, including wingers Enora Mandon and Emily Shepherd. Shepherd was awarded Player-ofthe-Match for this reason. Captain Marina Newth was disappointed with the result but doesn't see it as the end of Cardiff's league campaign, "We learned a lot from the game yesterday and we will be prepared when we next meet Gloucester at home. We must remember that there is no ‘I’ in team."


November 22 2004

Free Stuff

Page 33

grcomps@yahoo.co.uk

"I like my money right where I can see it – hanging in my closet." Carrie Bradshaw

grab!

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Travel Far and Wide THIS COMPETITION really calls out to any third years: if you can’t face the prospect of employment after uni just yet, then this is the competition for you. Don’t get a job, take a trek around the planet, see the world, and learn about different cultures. For those of you who missed out on a gap year I would recommend you take the plunge now. To help you out on your travels and take away some of the worry of those dreaded expenses, you can win a year’s free travel insurance right here on my grab! page. Pavilion Insurance launched Student Guard this year to provide insurance for when a degree course cannot be completed because of a student’s illness, accident or, in the most horrible of circumstances, death. The cost of our degrees, as you all know, is considerable for students and parents alike. The prospect and cost of not finishing a course is substantial, especially as statistically 20 per-cent of students don’t carry on after their first year. (They were obviously just here for the easy first year and the boozy lifestyle, then again, that could be a little judgmental.)

Free Food Courtesy of the King KINGSMILL’S NEW ad campaign really shows corporate power these days. They have managed not only to contact a legendary rock ‘n’ roll star from the beyond the grave and make him rise again, but also, to get this star to tell the world that it was he was who bought a bread mill in Uxbridge and created Kingsmill. Pretty damn impressive if you ask me. Their bread is ever so tasty too. Mmm, peanut butter sandwiches. Sorry, back to matter in hand. So, why is Elvis back now? And what on earth is ‘The King’ doing at our university? Well, to be frank, he’s worried. (The psychic medium that is Kingsmill told me so.) Worried about the standard of toast that Britain’s students are putting up with. Bless the man; he travelled all the way down from hound dog heaven just because he was worried for our welfare. We all know students are the nation’s biggest toast fanatics yet we don’t always get the quality of bread, and therefore toast, we deserve. So, ‘The King’ is here to show us the way to perfect

Thailand: See it for less with my prize Student Guard offers cover of up to £2,000 per term or part term completed, up to a maximum of a whopping £18,000. Check out www.studentguard.co. uk for more information. You’ll be impressed, their cover is surprisingly cheap. To win the fantastic prize that is a year’s worth of free travel insurance, you simply have to tell me your ideal holiday destination and why in under 250 words. Student Guard and I will then decide which entry is the best. So flex your creative writing skills and get emailing your entries to the address above. I’m looking forward to reading them.

And the Winner is…

WOW, YOU people really quite liked that computer competition, didn’t you? My poor little inbox couldn’t take all the entries for that one. Well, ladies and gents, we have our winner. Huge congratulations to Rhys Hancocks. You have got yourself a computer courtesy of Catapult Computers. Other lucky winners this week include Robert Punjani, Joanna Dingle and Chee Ho, who have each got themselves a free bottle of Malibu and carton of cranberry to enjoy to their hearts’ content. Alastair Jamison, nice one, you have won yourself a toast and grill machine. Enjoy those hot cheese sandwiches. Finally, Robbie Lane: you have BT broadband for the rest of the year. Good for you. I will contact you when your prizes are ready. Keep entering my fair lovelies; you must know the process by now. Simply email me at the above address or pop a note in my pigeonhole on the 4th floor of the union. Good luck!

toast with Kingsmill Toastie, which he reckons is the finest toastie bread on the planet. Look out for The Kingsmill Toastie Team handing out lush slices of hot toast, so you can look as happy as the chappies in my lovely photo below. Then don your blue suede shoes at ‘The King’s’ Dance-Off night on Monday November 22. Plus, you can win a £250 Asda Gift Card to spend on bread (well, you’re allowed beer and stuff too). Yep, that’s 250 quid’s worth of free food, which for me is virtually an entire term. I’m so jealous of whoever wins this. For your chance to pick up the free food just answer this question correctly: Where was the first ever ‘King’s Mill’? Enter by emailing in the usual way. Terms & Conditions: 1. The competition is only open to UK residents/undergraduates of Cardiff University aged 18 years or over, excluding employees of the Promoter, gair rhydd and their agencies, and their immediate families. Only one entry per person. No purchase necessary. 2. There is one first prize of an Asda Gift Card worth £250. In the event that such a prize is not available for whatever reason, an alternative prize of equivalent value and quality will be substituted. No cash alternative. 3. The winner will be the person who has answered the question correctly and (in the event of there being two or more correct entries) is the first correct entry selected at random after the closing date for entries. 4. The closing date for receipt of entries is Monday 6th December. 5. Winners will be notified by email by Wednesday 8th December. 6. For full terms and conditions please send an email stating your university to Lindsay@getreal.net

Students: Eating a proper meal for a change

Film Merchandise Extravaganza YOU MAY remember my running a film merchandise competition a few weeks back. Well, due to an abundance of competitions in the last few weeks, I’ve had to leave the masses of film merchandise I’ve acumulated since then hidden in the corners of the office. But don’t despair, because I have all the stuff here to give away to two lucky lads or ladies in my film merchandise extravaganza, courtesy of the lovely people at UGC Cinemas. First up, from Man On Fire, starring Denziel Washington, I have two beautiful long sleeve T-shirts. From I, Robot, starring the Dumbo-esque Will Smith (as featured so delightfully at the top of the page) I have two sets of key ring lights, beanies, magnetic pens and their holders. Very nice. Finally, from Alien Vs Predator, I have two stacks of T-

shirts, vests, backpacks, beanies and Pocket Pliers (whatever they are). UGC really have gone to town with this one, as you can see. So get down to UGC to watch the latest new blockbuster releases, such as Bridget Jones and The Incredibles. (I’m very excited about The Incredibles.) So if you want to win yourself cratefuls of this cracking merchandise - which you could sell for a bob or two at film auctions in years to come, or you could just treasure them of course answer this really damn easy question: On what street is our local UGC Cinema in Cardiff situated? (Here’s a clue: it’s Mary Ann Street.) Enter in the usual way.



gair rhydd - Issue 776