Tuesday
May 17-23 2004
Page 23
yes@justboughtwilcotickets.com
Film: Day of the Dead BBC2 11.50pm
The Cemetery Club ITV1 1.35am
We Are From... S4C 4.45pm
Tales of a Wise King C4 6.00am
06.00 CBBC: The Animals of Farthing Wood 06.25 Taz-Mania 06.45 Arthur 07.10 Home Farm Twins 07.30 Blue Peter 07.55 Newsround 08.00 CBeebies: Big Cook Little Cook 08.20 Tots TV 08.30 Bobinogs 08.40 Pingu 08.45 Little Robots 09.00 Balamory 09.20 SMarteenies 09.40 Tweenies 10.00 Teletubbies 10.30 BBC Primary Geography 10.40 BBC Primary Geography: France 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Wildlife on Two 14.00 Racing from Goodwood 16.00 am.pm 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Get a New Life 19.00 TOTP 2 With The Mavericks (crap) The Chimes (who?) Lulu (inane facelifted boring tart) Horace Faith, (who) Def Leppard (third worst live band I’ve ever seen), Guy Marks (who?), Tony Rich (resposible, alongside Phil Collins, for the existence of Eamon) and Capella (awesome mid90s eurodisco scenes). 19.30 Time Flyers: From Sheffield to the Somme 20.00 Get a New Life 21.00 Diarmuid's Big Adventure 22.00 Yes, Minister 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 So What Do You Do All Day? 23.50 FILM: Day of the Dead Not to be confused with Day of the Triffids which is a horror movie about plants. **** 01.30 Joins BBC News 24 ...want to know why my typing is so erratic and there are many? unnecessary ques?tion marks ?That’s why. And I’m not happy about it.
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Sixty Minute Makeover 14.00 Building the Dream 14.30 Antiques Auction 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 15.20 Boohbah 15.40 Mucha Lucha 16.05 The Quick Trick Show 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 I Want That House 17.30 Building the Dream 18.00 ITV1 Wales 19.00 Emmerdale 20.00 The Vault 21.00 Bad Girls With Tanya! From Bad Girls! Fantastic sophistication-free drama inbreeding strikes. Beauty itself. I always thought soaps should do that: someone goes to Manchester in EastEnders - turn up in Weatherfield. Sonia and Martin’s honeymoon in Spain - viva la Eldorado! 22.00 Shane Utterly dire Frank Skinner vehicle in which he plays a boring middle aged balding tosser who isn’t funny. A difficult role to play, then. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 FILM: Almost Famous **** 01.10 Red Hot Chili Peppers in Profile One of the worst bands ever, with Californication being one of the worst albums ever. I mean really, it must take a special kind of wanker to make music this soporifically shite, and the fact there’s four of them (not to mention the millions of hearing-impaired idiots who like this dirge) makes it even worse. Lucifer’s arse’s gift to music. 01.35 FILM: The Cemetery Club Follow up to The Breakfast Club starring Emilio Estevez’s corpse. ** 03.20 Today with Des and Mel
06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.30 Ysgolion (Schools) (9.3012.00): The Illustrated Mum 09.55 Quit 10.00 gcsEASE: Health and Social Care 10.25 National Gallery 10.30 Sarah Moves On 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant (12.301.15): Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 12.40 Triongl 13.00 Y Brodyr Coala 13.15 The City Gardener 13.45 A Place in Greece 14.15 Up Your Street 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant (4.00-5.00): FTPD 16.30 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 Friends 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Y Byd ar Bedwar 21.00 Dynion Y Drysau 22.00 Emyn Roc a Rol Ridiculous drama series following an eighties Welsh rock band called The Disciples. The quality of this depends on whether it’s “eighties” as in Europe and Iron Maiden, or “eighties” as in Kajagoogoo. 22.45 Celebrities 23.45 NYPD Blue 00.40 `Whatever' - A Teenage Musical 01.40 Football: South American Championship 04.00 Ysgolion (Schools) (4.00-6.10): Sarah and the Whammi 04.15 Rat-a-Tat-Tat 04.30 Book Box: What's So Good About Roald Dahl? He wrote about mysterious men in the bottom of the garden who gave out free “goodies” for one thing. 04.45 We Are From... 05.00 Maths Mansion 05.10 The Blue Dragon 05.25 Making It 05.30 Stop, Look, Listen
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 The Save-Ums! 08.45 The Save-Ums! 08.55 Aussie Antics 09.05 Oswald 09.20 PB Bear and Friends 09.25 Hot Property 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 BrainTeaser 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.35 Memory Bank 14.05 FILM: The Specialists ** 15.35 FILM: Country **** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Will Alf “G’day mate just call me Nostradamus” Stewart’s prophecy about Seb dying come true? O-kay. Since when has Alf been a prophet? 18.30 five news 19.30 Fifth Gear 20.00 Earth's Fury: Superstorms Phwoar man-tastic laddish tornadoes destroying American suburbs, the sort of mindless destruction which apes the acts of most men in the world. 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 Arrest and Trial: An Innocent Killer 23.25 Murder Detectives: Fatal Love Probably my least favourite of love, given you’re denied the smug value. I can overhear office chat about incest involving mothers raping their children so they don’t lose their virginities to anyone else. Actually that’s my least favourite kind of love. 23.55 Angel 00.45 NHL Ice Hockey: PlayOffs - Round Three Big-shouldered knob jockeys acting like tough guys on ice. Lumpy-faced boring idiots.
19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.30 Little Angels 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders So what’s with this Kat and Alfie and Andie Indecent Proposal style crap? Why does Andy want to sleep with Kat anyway? It’s not like he hasn’t before, and probably hundreds of times. He doesn’t stand to gain anything, apart from maybe looking slightly less like he should be presenting Catchphrase. 22.30 The Mighty Boosh 23.00 The Mighty Boosh 23.30 The Job 23.50 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three 00.20 Little Britain 00.50 Monkey Dust 01.20 The Mighty Boosh 01.50 The Mighty Boosh 02.20 Little Angels 02.50 Sex Warts and All USA 03.20 Strictly Come Dancing on BBC Three Actually, Andy’s proposal to Kat brings a whole new meaning to “it’s fast, it’s furious, it’s the ready money round.”
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.05 The John Walsh Show 15.55 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.40 Judge Judy 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale Pearl prepares to stake all on the poker night. The sight of sagging fleshmounds in The Woolpack beckons. I’d rather see Amos naked. 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now Halle Berry in Catwoman. Sounds awful. 20.00 Emmerdale Secrets: Double Acts 21.00 Trouble in Paradise 22.00 House of Horrors 22.30 Peter Andre... Mysterious Man Urgh, Pete’s attempts to Justin-up Insania can fuck off. I was almost glad he was back with us for a while. 23.35 Club Reps Exclusive: Aftersun 00.35 Jerry Springer 01.15 Late Show with David Letterman 02.00 Teleshopping 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman
06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Transformers: Armada 07.30 What about Mimi? 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 ER 12.00 FILM: Deep in My Heart ** 13.45 Scrubs 14.15 Jenny Jones 15.05 The Sharon Osbourne Show 16.00 Mutant X 17.00 Star Trek: Voyager 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons In my humble opinion, this is the best ever episode of The Simpsons. There are so many good lines. “Phew, lucky I was wearing this piece of the true cross.” “What, the same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?” “Mmmm clowns are funny...” 20.00 Tru Calling 21.00 Angel 22.00 Las Vegas 23.00 Scrubs 23.30 Shock Video 00.00 Star Trek: Voyager 01.00 Alias 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Dark Angel 03.30 Early Edition 04.20 Vampire High 04.45 Vampire High 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show Fuck off you nauseating wrinkled retching old cow!
14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 15.30 Dawson's Creek 16.30 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.00 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 22.35 Ali G in Da USAiii 23.05 Infamous Fives Series lifting the lid on the dirty underbelly of celebrity, looking at what happened to the career of Gary Coleman. “Underbelly” and Gary Coleman are two words I never wanted to see in the same sentence. 23.35 Experimental 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 Friends 01.05 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 01.35 Derren Brown: Trick of the Mind 02.05 Ali G in Da USAiii 02.35 Infamous Fives 03.00 Experimental 03.25 The Fit Farm
06.00 Tales of a Wise King 06.05 The Trap Door Berk plans to go fishing. 07.30 Friends 08.30 Cheers 09.00 The Fit Farm 09.55 Quit Educational 10.00 Health and Social Care 10.25 National Gallery 12.30 Frasier 13.05 FILM: The Black Tent ** 15.15 Countdown 16.30 A Place in Greece 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 Missing: Jane Harrison 20.00 Selling Houses 20.30 The City Gardener Revisited 21.00 Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares 22.00 FILM: Croupier **** 23.45 ALT-TV 00.15 Shariah TV 01.20 What Would Jesus Do? Watch Celebrity Snatch if was around at the moment.01.35 Andromeda 02.20 Andromeda 03.05 Dispatches: Fit to Eat 04.00 Sarah and the Whammi 04.15 Rat-a-Tat-Tat Bringing to life the second half of the book My Body, Your Body. Fnarr. 04.30 Book Box: What's So Good About Roald Dahl? 05.10 The Blue Dragon 05.25 Making It 05.30 Jack and the Beanstalk 05.45 Faith in Action
SUMMER BALL LINE-UP Tickets now on sale The much anticipated line-up for the Summer Ball has been confirmed, with Liberty X, Peter Andre, Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Phixx and Trevor Nelson all appearing at the spectacle.
GAMES ROOM
Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.
Today in your Union
06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Houses Behaving Badly 11.45 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Flesh and Blood Slasher drama starring a parade of mutilated, limbless bodies being pasted across mushy terrain before being savagely gnawed by hell’s bacontongued dogs themselves. 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Diagnosis Murder 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Taz-Mania 16.05 50/50 16.35 Ace Lightning 17.00 Really Wild Show Nick Baker looks at tree frogs in Central America. BORING. Chris “I Like Birds” Packham used to live near me and was once arrested for being “really wild on the roads”, to quote Radio Solent. 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Brassed Off Britain 19.30 EastEnders 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Cutting It 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 ONE Life: The Trouble With Being Lee 23.50 FILM: The Fourth Protocol *** 02.05 Sign Zone: Wren: The Man Who Built Britain 03.05 Sign Zone: Charlotte Church: Spreading Her Wings Spreading her looselipped puffy legs more like. I’m currently? in a furious mood because there’s some sort of sticky substance on this keyboard, ?and the goddamn question mark key is permanantly? glued to the shift key so if you...
Tropical Tuesday: Cocktails £2.50, Shooters £1.00