Tuesday
March 15-21 2004
Page 25
sweaty@thisoffice.com
Dog Squad BBC1 11.30pm
E4 5.30pm
06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Out There 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Bill and Ben 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 The Phil Silvers Show 10.50 Pod's Mission 11.05 Look and Read 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Delia's How to Cook, Part 2 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 homeground: George Reynolds: Playing By His Own Rules 19.30 Bee in Your Bonnet: Getting The Hump A programme about my poor attempts to control my anger? Or my ability to get irate at the smallest thing, eg somebody leaving a mug in the cupboard with the handle turned the wrong way? Brilliant! 20.00 Living the Dream Somebody writes TV for me whilst I chime in with ‘witty’ quips and get massaged by James Lance’s todger... 21.00 One Year On: Iraq - A Newsnight Special 22.00 The National Trust 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Fighting the War: Missile Attack 00.00 BBC Four on BBC Two: Scottsboro: Storyville 01.30 Yehudi Gordon
Dr Phil
Rolie Polie Olie
Sky One 6am
five 8.30am
06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Boohbah 15.45 The Angry Beavers 16.00 Bernard's Watch 16.15 Tutenstein 16.45 SpongeBob SquarePants 17.00 You've Been Framed! 17.15 24 Hour Quiz Three 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Chloe pushes her relationship with Syd to breaking point - and brands him a wifebeater. A good way to get attnetion but not to curb his Stella problem, I suspect. Bob closes in on Dawn's guilty secret, but she insists that she was only removing the giblets from the turkey. Val plays Danny off against Rodney. Or should that be ‘pulls off in front of’? 19.30 Airline Bag of shite. 20.00 Celebrity Fit Club I don’t usually watch this, but a while ago I saw one when Vanessa Feltz was going all girl-power on Freddie Starr. It was not a pleasant sight, and reminded me how far Vanessa’s fallen since that quote game show she used to do. 21.00 Pride of Britain Awards 2004 Shitters getting praised. 22.30 ITV News 23.00 24 Hour Quiz 23.30 Soccer Special 00.30 World Rally Championship 01.00 FILM: Gold*** 03.00 Football League
06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 The Morning Line: Cheltenham Festival 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Rala Rwdins 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Y Brodyr Coala 13.00 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival 16.10 Planed Plant: FTPD 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm Oh for fuck’s sake S4C, why do you insist on denying people of good Channel 4 programmes and just filter the shit through? Example: you could have put Hollyoaks in ths slot. And why the fuck is Black Books on on Friday evenings? Are Welsh people usually so impractical? (Dual ethnic heritage of being Welsh/English means I’m allowed to say that sort of thing.) 18.30 Darn o Dir and drat! 19.00 Wedi 7 A week in Wales. Sheep-napping, daffodil disputes and people trying to shag Aneurin Bevan’s statue then. 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Taro 9 21.00 Cwmni Drwg: Alistair Steadman 21.30 Grand Designs 22.30 The Property Chain 23.30 The Carrot or the Stick? I recommended this a while ago but haven’t seen it, mainly because I avoid S4C for fear of seeing programmes about various depravity in and about Wrexham. No one wants to be reminded of their roots. 00.30 NYPD Blue 01.25 Cheltenham Festival Highlights
COMEDY CLUB Wine £6 Bottle
06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Love on the Edge ** 17.30 five news 18.00 18.00 Home and Away Sally gets pre-wedding nerves and Flynn has to calm Jesse down while Alf rehearses his speech. Woah, woah, hold on, that’s so many threads I’m confused. It’s almost like 24 at Summer Bay nowadays. 18.30 Family Affairs Yasmin's suspicions increase when she learns of Geri and Cameron's split. But it was hard for them to stick together when he was in Orkney and she was twatting about in LA, possibly shagging that scamp of a dog she carries round with her. Oh god, I’m like, so 2003. 19.00 five news 19.30 High Adventure: Kilimanjaro 20.00 Fight For Baghdad 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 The FBI Files 23.55 La Femme Nikita 00.45 NCAA Basketball 02.45 X-Terra 03.35 2004 Winter X Games 04.30 Dutch Football: RKC Waalwijk v Ajax
Today in your Union
06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 16.20 Spook Squad 16.45 The Cramp Twins 16.55 Feather Boy 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Stuart considers a career in the police force, because his previous incarnations as soldier, mechanic and farmer aren’t broad enough for him. Mal announces his intention to sell the Hoyland house. And since when did he own this? Oh yes, at the time of the supposed ‘Cuppa Diem’ takeover coup... I wonder if that shows I’ve got a really good memory or if I’m just sad. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Janine comes between Paul and Natalie. Oh, these things don’t write themselves you know. But it is strange: Natalie is a midget and Janine is a bit of a boar. Bestiality and ‘special tastes’ there. Well done Paul. 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Hustle 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 Dog Squad 00.05 FILM: The Mean Season *** 02.05 Sign Zone: Private Life of a Masterpiece 02.55 Sign Zone: Big Cat Week
Less Than Perfect
GAMES ROOM 19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Ronan Keating Re:covered Ronan Keating sings Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl and his own If Tomorrow Never Comes. Hmm, he’d just need to sing My Heart Will Go On for me to really hate him. 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebdaq Weird. 21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 22.00 EastEnders Andy upsets Kat. Doesn’t he offer her money for sex, aka Indecent Proposal? If so, why is that so upsetting? And Ash struggles with his demons, or rather, grapples with Vicki again. Yeuch. 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Swiss Toni 23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 New Tycoons 01.00 Three's a Crowd 01.30 Liquid Assets: Madonna's Millions 02.00 Celebdaq 02.30 Live at Johnny's 03.00 SAS Survival Secrets 03.30 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy
09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Ask a Silly Question ‘What does anal sex feel like?’ seems to be a very common one in gair rhydd. And normally brings about speedy silence, as no one wants to admit and certain people do not want to deny they’ve been done up the wrong one. Or maybe I have an anal fixation (possible). PS I am TV John. 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Will Young... In the Studio 20.00 Tradesmen from Hell 21.00 The Impressionable Jon Culshaw 21.30 2DTV 22.00 Starsky and Hutch: The Premiere 22.30 Footballers' Wives From last week. 23.30 Club Reps Uncut 00.30 The Frank Skinner Show 01.05 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman 02.35 Teleshopping 03.35 ITV2 Nightscreen
06.00 Dr Phil Who is Dr Phil and what does he do? Does he host phone-ins from business men who have decided they suffer from elephantitis and can’t go to work? 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: The Boys of Sunset Ridge ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons Special show with Troy McClure. 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Angel 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Porno Valley 23.30 Scrubs A dying patient expresses a wish to lose her virginity, so Carla and Elliot try to find someone suitable. Hot lesbian threesome ahoy! 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 ER 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 American Sex is probably bad..
14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends A video of an old prom night shows a side of Ross that Rachel finds hard to resist. Which one’s that? The back of his head? 17.30 Less Than Perfect These listings. I do apologise, but am too tired/ill/lethargic to be funny. I feel like a pig shat in my head and am feeling sexually aggressive. Watch out TV John! (Joke to all parts except pig bit). 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine? 19.00 Perfect Match USA. 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.05 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.35 Smack the Pony 23.10 More Sex Tips for Girls Give lots of head. 23.40 Friends 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 A Wife for William 01.40 Eurotrash 02.10 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 02.35 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 03.05 Smack the Pony 03.20 Five Go Dating
As S4C, except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 06.05 The Trap Door 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Hot Wired. 9.55 The Write Stuff. 10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 Tartan Jam. 10.55 Jack and the Beanstalk. 11.10 Citizen Power. 11.35 What's This Channel 4? I don’t know - I usually go by the moniker of TV Holly. 12.30 Beat the Nation 16.30 Making Space Some curly-haired (sign of genetic flaws you know) bint looks at how to hire skips - then fill them. 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Power Behind: The Art 20.00 The Property Chain 21.00 Brat Camp 22.00 No Angels Shit. 23.05 Shameless 00.05 Eurotrash 00.40 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival Highlights 01.10 Monkey 01.55 Star Trek: Enterprise 02.40 Andromeda 03.25 Shin Gi Tai 03.30 The Body Story: Basic Instinct 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Dream On. 4.45 Making It. 4.50 The Number Crew 2. 5.00 Chez Mimi. 5.15 Chez Mimi. 5.30 Animated Tales of the World
Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm. Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.