gair rhydd - Issue 759

gair rhydd

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

All the election news and views as we analyse a year dogged by scandal and controversy

rhydd free word - EST. 1972

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ISSUE 759. MARCH 15 2004

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CARDIFF MOURNS Sorrow for student killed on railway

By John Collingridge News Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY was left reeling last Thursday morning after a student committed suicide.

British Transport Police were called to the Cortyon and Rhymney Valley lines where a man died after being hit by a train. The incident happened on a stretch of track near Monthermer Road, Cathays at around 6.50am on Thursday March 4.

The man was later identified as Tom Moore, a third year Business and Economics student, who had celebrated his 21st birthday only a week before.

A message found among Tom’s possessions expressed sorrow for his course of action, but said that it was something that had been weighing heavily on him for a long time.

A close friend of Tom’s, Zaid Ahmed, described him as someone who “gave so much and asked for nothing in return”.

Friends called Tom a popular and outgoing person, fond of outdoor activities, who had a close-knit circle of friends. Zaid paid tribute to him: “Tom’s life touched more people than he thought; he was amazed at the number of friends wishing him happy birthday and wanting to celebrate his 21st with him.”

Story continued on Page 5

TRAGEDY: view from Monthermer Road

PHOTO: James Yeoward

Rees bins Finn GARY REES shot to victory in the race for Students’ Union President last week, ousting current president and opponent Finnbarr Graham.

Candidates had an agonising wait for the election results after counting dragged on over two days.

Competition was fierce, with only 28 votes between the top two candidates.

But Rees’ campaign costume of an Indian headdress and rollerblades secured his victory, with Christos Alex Tsakiris coming a close second. Finnbarr finished in third place.

This year’s elections have been dogged by claims of unfair practice, poor organisation and ‘gimmicky’ campaigns.

And turnout was down three per cent on last year despite the medic vote, with only 19 per cent of the student body voting.

Full story on Pages 2, 3 and 4

GARY REES: Union President 2004/05

SPECIAL COVER GUIDE

Strike Special

SPECIAL COVER GUIDE

grnews@cf.ac.uk

In a gair rhydd special we ask the principal players involved to cut through the confusion and explain their positions

Why is there strike action?

The AUT outline their reasons for embracing strike action

By Alison Charles President, Cardiff AUT AUT is the trade union that represents academic and senior administrative, library and computing staff in the University. After two decades of under-investment university staff are amongst the lowest paid professional groups in the UK – a fact even acknowledged by the Prime Minister.

Now the university employers have proposed a percentage pay increase of 6.44% over two years, which is barely above inflation, and a complete change in the way that these university staff are paid and graded.

The proposed new pay structure would mean: - Reductions in career earnings for many already low-paid academic and related staff of more than £40,000 over the next twenty years;

- Jobs being graded according to where staff work, not what they do, and the local evaluation of staff based on inappropriate schemes; - The splitting of the academic team by separating academically-related staff from their academic colleagues in pay and grading schemes - The end of meaningful national negotiations on pay and conditions.

The employers have refused to negotiate with AUT and, in December excluded the union from talks when the AUT refused to agree to these changes.

Having tried to resolve the issue peacefully, AUT was forced to ballot for industrial action. In a high turnout the anger of staff across the UK was shown by the fact that 65% voted to take strike action and 81% voted for further disruptive action

after that.

The AUT has no wish to disrupt students’ education. Many staff choose to stay in higher education despite the relatively low pay on offer because their priority is – and always will be – the support and development of their students.

However the AUT can never accept a pay offer which actually reduces potential earnings for many, would lead to job insecurity and would weaken the union’s ability to negotiate.

Salaries for academic and related staff have been in steady decline for over twenty years. In that time pay has fallen by about 40% compared to the rest of the workforce and universities have taken the dedication of staff for granted.

Workloads have increased significantly along with the growth in student num-

bers and the incentive to go into university research and teaching lessens as pay levels deteriorate. AUT members have now decided that enough is enough.

Union members are aware that the action involving the boycott of student assessment will cause difficulties and AUT members undertake this with great reluctance. It is the very last resort.

However the NUS has fully supported the AUT in this fight, and this was re-confirmed at the recent NUS Conference.

AUT also supports the NUS in its fight against variable fees and both unions work together to defeat the government’s plans.

This dispute can be over if the national employers come back to the table to talk meaningfully about a solution. AUT is ready to meet them at any time.

Caught in the middle Cardiff University Vice Chancellor Dr David Grant on his quandry

By Dr David Grant Cardiff Vice Chancellor Following on from the strike-action taken by some members of the Association of University Teachers (AUT) last week, students will be concerned over the potential impact of the proposed boycott of assessment-related work. These are concerns which I share.

Whilst there is general support for improving the resourcing of Universities to enable the erosion of lecturers’ pay to be reversed, it is certainly not the case – contrary to what was stated in gair rhydd last week – that the University supports the boycott.

Action which in any way impedes the progress of our students is always a retrograde step.

I believe that the matters currently in dispute between the employers and the AUT nationally are ones which can be solved by positive dialogue. I would welcome the reconvening of talks between AUT and UCEA and I have made such views known to both parties.

However I remain concerned that the interests of individual students are protected. I do not wish the debate that is still to be concluded between AUT and the employers to damage the careers of those to whom all University staff are committed – our students.

I would also like to offer certain reassurances in relation to Cardiff University's position and the worries expressed by AUT. There is considerable common ground between the parties to these negotiations, especially the desire to modernise salary structures which were introduced in 1963.

We want to do so in a manner which ensures our commitment to the high principles of Equal Pay as well as compliance with our statutory obligations. The differences which underlie this dispute are derived from very technical matters, firstly about the mechanism to be used to link AcademicRelated jobs (such as librarians, administrators and IT specialists) to the new salary spine, then the long-term effect of that linkage on earnings prospects for people employed in those roles, within new salary

scales.

The University is committed to offering salary structures and terms and conditions of service to our staff that, within our overall financial limits, are attractive and competitive. The recent work on merger with the University of Wales College of Medicine has demonstrated the University's commitment in these matters. We are in the process of agreeing revised terms and conditions for our staff and those at UWCM that will offer benefits for a large number of support staff in reduced working weeks and in other benefits like holidays.

long-term earnings of academic-related staff. However, the implementation of the new Pay Framework will be a matter for each University to undertake itself, as the obligations on Equal Pay are a local matter.

In Cardiff, the Personnel Committee commissioned a 'benchmarking' exercise which suggested that there is likely to be very little upheaval when local structures are designed. The suggestions that earnings will erode in the long term run counter to our local need to retain and recruit good staff in the competitive markets covered by "Academic-Related" colleagues.

In addition the University has agreed to carry forward our broad, inclusive, definition of the 'Academic' community. This is significant in relation to the present dispute: in Cardiff we have already confirmed that there is no wish to make fundamental changes to this definition, and hence everyone who is currently employed in an "Academic-Related" capacity will continue to be so post merger.

It is the strong desire of Cardiff University to resolve this matter in a positive manner.

Cardiff University remains committed to the system of national negotiations on pay, as long as that meets our local needs, and we are doing all that we can to urge AUT and the employers back to the national negotiating table. We are also seeking local agreement with the AUT at Cardiff to recognise the University's commitment on these issues and to join with the University in urging their members to refrain from any action which is damaging to our students.

Another element of the current dispute is about the effect of new salary scales on

News

Page 2

March 15 2004

EXECUTIVE TEAM

grnews@cf.ac.uk

At

a BATTLE OF glance

News Editorial Icarus Letters Taf-Od Media Jobs & Money Competitions Interviews TV Listings Five Minute Fun Problem Page Listings Sport

ELECTIONS EDITOR Anna Hodgekiss ELECTION REPORTERS: Jonathan Astle, Anne-Michelle Wright, Will Talmage, David Morris, David Doyle, Bethany Whiteside DESIGN: John Collingridge, Peter Bramwell

1 10 13 14 16 17 19 20 22 23 32 33 34 36

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss OPINION & EDITORIAL AJ Silvers SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS Janine Jones GRAB! Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Angharad George, Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr MEDIA Gary Andrews JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York FIVE MINUTE FUN Laura Davies COMEDY PROBLEM PAGE Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Hannah Perry, Rob Sharples, Alys Southwood DEPUTY NEWS EDITORS Jonathan Astle, Will Talmage DEPUTY SPORT EDITORS Thom Airs, John Stanton CONTRIBUTORS

Reeja Devarajan, Ruth Dickinson, Adam Douglas, David Doyle, Steph Eagleton, James Emtage, Stephen Fishbourne, Catherine Gee, Amy Gorochowski, Lyndsay Gowlett, Louis Grover, Rachel Howells, David Jarmain, Dan Keel, Robert Larque, Kirsty Monaghan, David Morris, Beca Murphy, Melinda O’Neill, Nick Parnell, Matt Ramsden, Ifan Rhys, Jim Sefton, Chris Senior, Owain Sion, Matthew Viney, Bethany Whiteside, Anne-Michelle Wright, Ben Wright, James Yeoward

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL gairrhydd@cardiff.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

SABBATICAL PRESIDENT Gary Rees

THE GIMMICKS

By Jonathan Astle and Anne-Michelle Wright Election reporters GARY REES, a 20-year-old Social Policy and Criminology student, swept to victory as the new Students’ Union President at 6.10am on Wednesday morning.

Gary caught up with gair rhydd afterwards, saying, "It was very close but I believe I deserved it." He becomes both the first Welsh and first bilingual president to be elected in seven years.

Describing his campaign as a “battle of the gimmicks”, Gary said, “It seems you

have to have a gimmick to win, and my gimmick was quite good - I went round on rollerblades in an Indian head-dress.”

Rees went on to say the manifestos were the basis of the job. “It’s important to look at others’manifestos because there are some strong ideas, despite people not winning.”

The swimming captain plans to extend his team player abilities to the sabbatical office - "as it’s going to be very important that we all work together and get a bond." In view of his new-found responsibility for the Union’s £6 million annual turnover, Gary claimed it was a little daunting. “Basically the only experience I’ve had of management is on the weekends when I run Talybont

GARY REES

23%

CHRISTOS TSAKIRIS

22%

FINNBARR GRAHAM

18%

NATHAN PORTLOCK

16%

MIKE RABJOHNS

11%

SOPHIE CARTER-INGRAM

8%

R.O.N.

2%

JAMES COLE

34%

MARK DUNN

28%

SIMON GREEN

14%

NATASHA NISHIYAMA

12%

TIM MARSHALL

8%

R.O.N.

2%

COLLEGE PRESIDENT OF HUMANITIES AND SCIENCES Pete Goodman COLLEGE PRESIDENT OF MEDICINE, BIOLOGY, LIFE AND HEALTH SCENCES Jenny Longbottom UNION SECRETARY James Green AU PRESIDENT James Cole MEDIA OFFICER Gary Andrews CAMPAIGNS AND PR OFFICER Tom Gough

Sports Centre."

And of the whole election process, Gary said, "I think the elections were absolutely great seeing so many people with so many good policies and such an effort."

Miner miracle JAMES COLE stormed to victory in the race for Athletic Union (AU) President.

The University Rugby captain racked up 245 more votes than his nearest rival, Mark Dunn.

Cole’s success has been attributed to his “Let Cole fuel your AU” campaign, characterised by his miner’s outfit and piles of coal dotted around the university.

The AU President is historically one of the most hotly contested sabbatical positions and this year was no exception.

Cole, 20, an English Literature and Cultural Criticism student descibed his victory as “awesome”.

“It’s made the last two weeks all worthwhile,” he said. “I think my coal campaign swung it for me, along with the Baywatch theme!”

And despite his passion being rugby, Cole insisted, “As AU President, I will serve all clubs who need assistance in whatever way I can.

“The biggest challenge for me this year is the merger, making sure everyone gets a fair shot at sport.

There’s going to be twice the amount of people and the same facilities, so it’ll be an interesting year.”

2004-5

SOCIETIES, POSTGRADUATE AND INTERNATIONAL OFFICER Beri Abbas

NON SABBATICAL ENVIRONMENTAL AND ETHICAL OFFICER João Martins XPRESS MANAGER Tom Wellingham gair rhydd DEPUTY EDITOR James Anthony AU VICE-PRESIDENT Fraser Watson POSTGRADUATE SUPPORT OFFICER Dimitrios Smpanias RACE EQUALITY OFFICER Prashant Nagpal

ELECTION DAY: spot the voter

VICE COLLEGE PRESIDENT OF MEDICINE, BIOLOGY, LIFE AND HEALTH SCIENCES Gemma Long

Word on the street

By Bethany Whiteside and David Doyle Election reporters A UNIVERSITY STREET poll conducted immediately after the elections highlighted mixed reactions to the news that Gary Rees had been elected president.

One first year History student said his campaign was good in terms of keeping student interest: "Sometimes you feel the union is simply a business and the students are just numbers."

At the opposite end of the opin-

ion spectrum, an irate second year Law student and former member of the swimming club is disgusted that he was elected and has reservations about how he will implement his manifesto, stating that "he couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery."

Caroline Dean, a third year psychology student, believes that the results are based on the publicity campaign, rather than the actual manifestos.

"It transpires that guitar playing and trails of coal count for more than what the candidate will achieve on behalf of the students."

She thinks that a fairer, and more beneficial result would be obtained

if the candidates began their campaign earlier and promoted the "seriousness" of their aims rather than their "fun" characters.

The method of campaign was a recurring issue among students and tied in with the feeling from many that it makes little difference to the them who is in power.

A third year sociology student was of precisely this opinion: "You only see them once a year strutting their stuff on the street corner.

“Now that Gary Rees is president let’s hope he fulfills his aim to make ‘students aware of the purpose and functions of the students’ union’ a reality."

News

March 5 2004

Page 3

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Sabbatical results round-up Beri bags Societies post BERI ABBAS

48%

BEN KIDD

45%

R.O.N.

7%

At 8pm on Wednesday evening Beri Abbas was elected Societies, Postgraduate and International Officer.

Beri secured a comprehensive win, accumulating 1,320 votes – 99 more than her rival Ben Kidd.

The third year Law student said, "It’s been such a crazy 11 days I’m

just glad it’s over. It’s definitely one experience I won’t forget. You have to rely on complete strangers to get you in and that’s really scary."

Beri, 20, is already planning for next year. "I’d like to get a union night for societies like the sports clubs have on Wednesday. At the moment, Thursday is a possibility.

Being an international student I know what it’s like trying to integrate into a different culture, and will endeavour to help other international students as much as I can."

A wry grin from victor James Green

Pete Goodman celebrates his win

Longbottom streaks ahead

The results count lasted two days

Green gets gold JAMES GREEN

48%

BETHAN SKELTON

47%

R.O.N.

5%

CANDIDATES for the position of Union Secretary faced the closest competition of the election.

The position was decided by a mere 26 votes as James Green narrowly beat Bethan Skelton to the post. Despite her experience in a non-sabbatical role as AU Vice-President, voters felt Green had more to offer.

With such a narrow victory a recount was ordered yet the result remained the same.

Green, 21, a third year economics student, was delighted with his victory, saying, "I can’t believe I’ve done it.” When asked what he had over his contestant, Green admitted "not much, as can be seen by the result". He attributed his success to "hard campaigning and having his team behind him."

Next year he hopes to "change the union to cater for as many people as possible and bring more people back to it."

Green was also keen to get more people voting in future elections.

Jenny Longbottom secured a landslide victory over her competition to become College President of Medicine, Biology, Life and Health Sciences with 1,476 votes.

The emotional candidate told gair rhydd that she was exhausted after the campaign. She attributed her success over second-placed

Gough’s grin wins the day IN ONE of the election’s most bitterly contested posts Tom Gough was declared Campaigns and PR manager, beating his nearest rival Sarah Rhodes by 167 votes in the final round of counting.

Gough, a third year Language and Communication student scooped 1,089 votes, attributing his success to his “Grin that Wins” campaign.

"I’m very happy and relieved," said Tom. "By the final round it got pretty close and I worried it wasn’t going to go my way."

With regards to his campaign he

TOM GOUGH

37%

SARAH RHODES

26%

BECA MURPHY

21%

JEREMY TOWNSEND

12%

R.O.N.

4%

said, "I never got complacent and had loads of support from my friends, particularly the one who wore lycra in his lectures for me!"

Tom plans to work more closely with the local community next year and "spread a more positive image of the union and university – theydeserve it."

The counting team in action

Tajinder Singhrao – who received 829 votes – to more public exposure. "I just got out there and campaigned a lot more," she said.

When asked what her plans for the next six months were, she vowed to concentrate on her studies before preparing for her new role. Her main aim was to "ensure

JENNY LONGBOTTOM

58%

TAJINDER SINGHRAO

33%

R.O.N.

9%

that the students in the College of Medicine have a voice."

Media mogul GARY ANDREWS

45%

ANT LLOYD

25%

BEN WRIGHT

23%

R.O.N.

7%

CANDIDATES FOR the position of Media Officer endured an agonising wait after counting was suspended amidst fears of unfair conduct.

Despite expecting the result at 3.30pm, the three hopefuls were informed of the prospect of the ballot being declared invalid and a by-election becoming necessary.

This proved not to be the case, and at 8.30pm Gary Andrews was declared the winner with 1,267 votes.

Gary told gair rhydd, "I’m just so relieved it’s all over. I’ve been through so much not knowing what’s going on today that any kind of result at this stage was welcome, regardless of the outcome.

"Fair play to Ant, he fought a really good campaign and I was worried until the last minute he’d get it. Next year gair rhydd will continue with its high standards and hopefully be the best student paper in the country."

Good for it PETE GOODMAN was elected the College President of Humanities and Sciences on Wednesday afternoon, beating his rival Chris Hopper by a massive 645 votes.

Goodman, 23, is currently studying for an MA in European Studies, and described himself as "elated" upon receiving news of his victory.

‘Gooders’ chalked his victory down to the voters wanting ‘good times’, the slogan for his campaign. He felt he won due to "an exceptionally hard fought campaign”, but believes his competitor "put up a good fight".

Within his manifesto, Goodman

was keen to focus on the merger between UWCM and Cardiff University, fight hardship and support the Keep Wednesday Afternoon Free Campaign.

Following his election success, Pete said, "I hope to achieve all these promises in the forthcoming year.”

PETE GOODMAN

58%

CHRIS HOPPER

35%

R.O.N.

7%

News

Page 4

March 15 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Non-sabbatical round-up gair rhydd Deputy Editor James Anthony: 90% R.O.N. 10% Xpress Radio Manager Tom Wellingham: 92% R.O.N. 7% Racial Equality Officer Prashant Nagpal: 88% R.O.N. 12% AU Vice-President Fraser Watson: 54% Charlotte Cloke: 40% R.O.N. 6%

Ethical and Environmental Officer João Martins: 88% R.O.N. 12% Postgraduate Support Officer Dimitrios Smpanias: 86% R.O.N. 14% College VicePresident of Humanities and Science Gemma Long: 91% R.O.N. 9%

COUNTING: Officer at work

Quotes of the Week “I don’t earn a living taking my clothes off. I take them off because I enjoy it.” Kelly Brook: unashamed “ I don’t miss the limos and the jets. I do miss... What do I miss? I do miss Tony.”

Alastair Campbell: sentimental

Watson triumphs in close AU vice vote TWENTY-YEAR-OLD English Literature student Fraser Watson was announced as the new AU vice-president at 4am on Wednesday morning after a tense evening’s wait. The two candidates were 276 votes apart. Fraser praised Charlotte Cloke’s campaign, commenting that “she would have done a good job had she been elected.”

The AU Vice-President is one of the biggest non-sabbatical positions in the union, and the experience will be fairly new to Fraser. His immediate proposal is a review of financial distribution in relation to smaller clubs.

He also indicated a possible review of training times for fairer access for each club. In a pledge for greater recognition and support for women’s sport, Fraser

LOCALFOCUS: How long have you been running the café?

It’s been open for seven years and I used to come here as a customer. About three and a half years ago, I had the chance to buy into it with a friend, but I recently took it over on my own.

Photo: Jonathan Astle

FOLLOWING THE dismal turnout of last week’s elections it appears the vast majority of the student population don’t care who runs their union.

Just 19 per cent of Cardiff students voted, a figure which includes the soon-to-be-merged College of Medicine. This may sound alarming, but it seems these are figures to be proud of; many universities are lucky to see 10 per cent of students voting.

With the exception of some alarmingly tight lycra suits, the greatest excitement of the whole shebang came in the early hours of Wednesday morning, as the votes began to be counted. For most of the morning and well into the afternoon the candidates for Media Officer were led to believe that they faced the scrapping of their results and a subsequent by-election.

After a tense delay the cause of the farce emerged: one over-zealous counting officer had independently taken it upon himself to commit a Stalinist erasure of one of the candidates. As tempers frayed, allegations of unfair practice were exchanged for words of Anglo-Saxon origin.

The situation was finally resolved with all candidates agreeing to discard roughly 30 ballot papers from which the injured party’s name had been erroneously removed.

The poll didn’t escape the often bizarre anomalies thrown up by low turn-out, as it emerged that the AU President-elect had secured over a hundred more votes than Gary Rees, the future Students’ Union President and chief executive of a company whose turnover exceeds £6 million annually.

Jonathan Astle

Non-Sabb R e s u l t s

Photo: Kirsty Monaghan

Election round-up

NAME AGE OCCUPATION

Dyfed Evan 27 Owner of Café Calcio, Crwys Rd

How has Cardiff changed in that time?

Cardiff hasn’t changed too much in that time, but there are so many other

proposed to hold the women’s Varsity rugby match alongside the men at Bridgend.

In his new position, Fraser talked about sport as "very important for general health. I want to raise participation even if it’s just at IMG level." He said he was "pleased to have been elected, but I wouldn’t have been able to do it on my own. I’d like to thank my campaign team."

FRASER WATSON

54%

CHARLOTTE CLOKE

40%

R.O.N.

6%

A SOAPBOX FOR THE VIEWS OF CARDIFF RESIDENTS

cafés on Crwys Road now.

Does a lot of your custom come from students?

We have a big mix of customers but it’s mainly students, especially at the weekend.

Do you put any nights on?

We try to put nights on that would have appealed to us when we were younger, something a bit different. We have acoustic nights every other Friday, as well

as others, which are the most popular, you pay £2 on the door and get good music and food, it’s a really good night.

What would you recommend on the menu?

Everything is homemade, I would say the breakfasts are the most popular but I would say the burgers are the best!

Interview by Reeja Devarajan

Investigation

Page 6

March 15 2004

A drink too far grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Is Cardiff the UK’s first binge-drinking capital?

By Matt Ramsden Reporter

L

et’s make something clear: this is not just another article about binge drinking and its negative effects on health and the local community.

As students, we have heard many times from our parents that we should respect our livers and enjoy alcohol in moderation.

But when faced with so many drinking establishments and promotions, this seems to become a near

“I couldn’t imagine having a good time without alcohol” First year Cardiff student impossibility as we are bombarded from all corners with an invitation to ‘drink all you can for a fiver’ or ‘buy a bottle and get a shot free’. Is the Friday night drinking mentality ingrained in student culture, or is it part of a wider issue within Cardiff ’s increasing reputation as Britain’s drinking capital?

This investigation comes hot on the heels of the recent BBC documentary Drunk And Dangerous which followed Cardiff ’s police force on a night tackling alcoholrelated crime. The programme portrayed Cardiff ’s nightlife in a negative light, showing individuals in fights and even a young male falling off a bridge into the River Taff while inebriated.

When asked about their attempts to combat binge drinking, the South Wales police directed our attention to the TASC (Tackling Alcohol-relat-

ed Street Crime) project, which has been running since July 2000 in an attempt to reduce alcohol related crime and disorder.

The taskforce’s action plan includes seeking improvements of door staff, targeting trouble hotspots and introducing education about alcohol to children at an early age, aims introduced in response to recent research finding South Wales to be one of the worst areas in the UK for underage drinking.

Although the first year of the project saw a 49 per cent increase in incidents of alcohol-related disorder, alcohol-related assaults decreased by four per cent; this statistic seems to indicate a somewhat successful crackdown on the aggression resulting from excessive drinking.

However, though violence has decreased, a negative image of the city’s night culture persists. Worse, it has been highlighted at a time when Cardiff is being marketed to Europe as a ‘vibrant cosmopolitan capital’.

Chris, a first year Cardiff University accounting student, believes that the city’s huge array of drinking establishments is one of the main reason why so many students flock to Cardiff. “To be honest, I’ve never seen any real trouble out in Cardiff. Drinking is now part of being a student.

“I couldn’t imagine having a good time at uni without booze, it would be just like staying at school.”

This attitude is shared by the owners of the bars and clubs throughout the city who donate whole nights to the student population. Creation’s Saucy Monkey night on Mondays and the Jumpin’ Jaks ‘drink all you can for a fiver’ are particularly popular. With 30,000 students in the city the local economy is dependent on students and seeks to attract them through the guarantee of a varied and thriving nightlife.

But it is speed drinking that has caused most concern among health experts in recent years, with young adults intent on going out to get drunk. Such an attitude towards alcohol is in stark contrast to the

more moderate drining habits prevalent in other western European countries such as France.

This concern is reflected by advice on the Cardiff students website www.cardiffstudents.com. Their guidance includes advice such as abstaining from alcohol for 48 hours after drinking and opting for pub measures rather than generous selfpoured amounts, as well as the reiteration of almost all health guides that drinking can be responsibly enjoyed as part of a healthy lifestyle.

But this cautious mentality towards drinking is difficult to take seriously when the page is sponsored

by Smirnoff.

To investigate the speed drinking habit more closely we examined customer behaviour at city centre bar Yates’ Wine Lodge. In particular, their Friday night promotion encourages patrons to drink as much as they can for a £10 entrance fee from opening at 7.30pm until 2am a practice mirrored at several bars across the city, with Jumpin’ Jaks also operating a similar scheme.

Although operating a one bottle or glass per person policy, a closer inspection revealed staff becoming more lenient as the night went on, allowing individuals to collect empty glasses from those already departed and collect up to three drinks each.

For a student looking for a cheap night out these establishments offer a cheap and easy way to get drunk, but these bars are arguably failing in

Men are less concerned about how much alcohol they consume per week their responsibilities to their customers by actively encouraging speed drinking in a restricted time period, ignoring both the long-term health repercussions and the wellbeing of the individual after leaving the building.

In order to gauge student awareness of the recommended amount of alcoholic units per week, we carried out a basic survey of both male and female first year undergraduates, applying the standard conversion of a unit being equivalent to a shot of a spirit or two units for a pint of beer.

The results were surprising in that women seemed much more aware of the safe amount (14 for women, 20 for men), their guesses ranging from 14-15 for women and 19-21 for men.

The men questioned seemed somewhat taken aback by the question, with some not even realising that a recommended limit exists. Their estimations ranged from 6-14 for

women and 4-40 for men.

Although clearly not official research, this evidence seems to suggest that female drinkers are more aware of their drinking limits and more cautious over long term effects, with many interviewees commenting that they often calculate their units at the end of each week.

More worrying is the careless attitude by male student drinkers. The results suggest men are less concerned about how much alcohol they consume per week.

These figures are backed up by Home Office research suggesting that a third of 18-24 year olds engage in binge drinking at least once a week. Their definition of binge drinking is the consumption of over half the recommended amount of alcoholic units (7 female, 10 male) in one session. When further questioned it emerged that several participants of the survey had drunk up to 14 pints (28 units) in one session, almost 10 times the recommended weekly amount.

Although the findings of this investigation are worrying, alcohol can still be incorporated into a healthy lifestyle without any ill effects.

But it is the recent trend in the last 10 years which has seen dramatic rises in hospital admissions and arrests as a direct result of excessive alcohol consumption that is starting to cause concern.

Despite government intervention regarding restrictions on licensing to

prevent drinking hotspots and promote better alcohol awareness, binge drinking now seems to be a very significant issue in student life with students drawn inevitably to Cardiff ’s extensive nightlife - which is only too happy to provide what they want.

Alcohol: the facts

- The average Briton drank 151% more alcohol in 2001 than in 1951 - the equivalent of 8.6 litres of pure alcohol - For men, binge drinking is consuming more than four pints of beer or eight measures of spirits in a short time - For women, it is consuming more than three pints or six measures of spirits - Alcohol is associated with 22,000 deaths a year - Alcohol taxes raise £7bn a year and the drinks market is worth an estimated £30bn annually to the economy - Women in skilled jobs drink more heavily than other women while unskilled men are the heaviest drinkers

News

March 15 2004

Page 7

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

A future prime minister?

Welsh First Minister Rhodri Morgan talks politics, life, and top-up fees with Nicola York

R

hodri Morgan cuts an impressive figure. Reclining on his leather sofa like a Greek deity, he talks while eating strawberries left over from a buffet at a previous meeting.

He has lived in Cardiff nearly all of his life, initially in Connaught Road, which is now "student-ville, not that it was then." Later, returning from America where he studied for two years at Harvard, he shared a flat with four or five others including Neil Kinnock, then president of Cardiff University Students’ Union.

His reputation precedes him; once called a "loose cannon" by the Millbank spin doctors, he is known for his eccentricity and outspoken comments. Morgan is the man Tony Blair did not want to be First Minister of Wales, partly due to his inclination to say what he feels, with little thought for the consequences.

"I don’t worry too much about if I say something that’s a bit off-the-cuff and it comes out slightly wrong and the newspapers are going to make some big fuss about it afterwards. You know, what the hell in the end, why should I worry about that? I can’t always be thinking about what I’m going to say."

His remarks make him very quotable, and he receives a lot of media attention, certainly more than his bland predecessor Alun Michael, who resigned just before Assembly Members voted on a motion of no confidence. Morgan famously left Jeremy Paxman speechless on Newsnight and it is not hard to see why. He never gives a straight answer, like many politicians perhaps, but he is quirkier and more anecdotal in style. In 1998 he won the Plain English Campaign’s Foot in Mouth Award for his response of "Do onelegged ducks swim in a circle?" to Paxman’s query about whether he aspired to be prime minister.

gair rhydd directory

University Switchboard

Combining personal anecdotes with historical and political facts in his conversation, it is clear that he is a highly intelligent man. It is therefore not surprising to hear that his father was a lecturer at Cardiff University and that Rhodri has degrees from Oxford and Harvard.

A man of the people, he enjoys the relative intimacy of Wales compared to England: "60 million people are just not going to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown walking down their street, but they will see me walking down theirs."

Connecting to the people of Wales is key to his role as First Minister and one very close to his heart: “Wales is

“Sixty million people are just not going to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown walking down their street, but they will see me walking down theirs.” a country where everybody talks to everybody else and nobody doesn’t talk to me because they think ‘ooh, he’s First Minister, I’m not allowed to talk to him.’ Everybody comes and tells me things… Wales is a very open country like that."

The inevitable question of tuition and top-up fees rears its head and he meets it head on. Eventually.

"I think it would be much healthier if we didn’t have tuition fees and topup fees." But he does understand why

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student loans and fees were the only option for the government.

"When Labour came into power about a third of our universities were teetering on the edge of bankruptcy and Gordon Brown had said that he would abide by Tory spending plans for the first two years.

"So the only way he could prevent universities from going bankrupt was by bringing in student loans and fees.

"A graduate tax was more logical but on the other hand it doesn’t give you the money for five, even seven or eight years, so I understand why Gordon Brown did it but I still think it has stored up problems at a strategic level."

With the Higher Education Bill on top-up fees recently passed by a majority of just five votes, students at Welsh universities will soon begin to see the impact which devolution has upon them. "We have said that there won’t be any top-up fees in the first year, 2006-07, but what happens after that?

"And that’s really when we know how much money we’ve got and how can we play with this money in order to give us the figures back for that."

Assembly Members have not yet worked out a feasible way of how to prevent students from England coming to Wales to avoid paying top-up fees. Scotland is indicating that they will not be charging top-up fees under the Bill which also devolves power to them, along with Wales. As Rhodri points out, the commuting distance between Cardiff and Bristol is a problem that Scotland does not have to contend with.

"In theory, we could have all the students from Bristol moving to Cardiff not to pay top-up fees and all the staff moving from Cardiff to Bristol in order to get a higher salary.

"So they’d finish up with no students and loads of staff and we’d finish up with loads of students and no UNIVERSITY

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The University Health Centre 47 Park Place GrahamF 02920 874 810 GoussousR1 Director of Student Services RabjohnsM 47 Park Place BebingtonE 02920 874 669 HettihewalL1 Student Advisory Services 47 Park Place LeeB5 02920 874 844 ThomasT4 Dyslexia Resource Centre BrownT3 Second Floor, 45 Park Place 02920 874 528 MotsieM Careers Service MartinsJ2 02920 874 828 GregoryL4 Students with Disabilities/Specific Needs RennieS 02920 874 610 GruffuddA Day Care Centre RichardsC 02920 874 135 GargN2 Student Advisory Service SharpK 02920 874 844 MacphersonA3 Nightline MoodyP1 148 Colum Road SkeltonB1 02920 223 993 MurphyB2 Academic Registry 02920 874 404 GriffithsR FACILITIES CroninK RobertsH Park Place Fitness and Racquets Centre 02920 876 706 SteeleJ Talybont Sports Centre Advice 02920 874 675 Llanrumney Playing Fields HoworthJ1 02920 777 377 RESOURCE CENTRES KingN2 CoxshallM Opening hours in Semester EvansA12 Mon to Fri 8.45am - 9.30pm Saturday 10am - 5.30pm Reception Sundays (Arts and Social Studies, Reception Law and Trevithick only) 12 noon – 5pm

WELSH PREMIER: Rhodri Morgan staff.

"So obviously you know, you’ve got to do something to prevent any kind of nonsense of that sort occurring but exactly how, well we’ve just got to wait until the Bill is signed into law."

And his life philosophy?

"You can’t be worrying about politics all the time," he says emphatically.

"You’ve got to get your work and your life into balance."

Morgan seems to have unlimited energy and truly enjoys his politics,

especially connecting with people and seeing changes made for the better.

"It’s certainly been a great life for me, in the sense that there is always something else that needs doing and however much progress you think has been made on the economy or the health service or education, there are always big challenges in carrying that forward."

So is Rhodri the man who can tackle these issues?

To answer in his inimitable style, do one-legged ducks swim in a circle?

gair rhydd weather courtesy of the BBC

News

Page 8

March 15 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Oxford turmoil THE OXFORD Union is being torn apart by allegations of racism and dirty tricks after its first Britishborn Asian female president was disqualified.

Ruzwana Bashir, 20, was elected last term. However, she was disqualified on a technicality.

Last week she was re-elected by a single vote, but that result is in the balance as a tribunal met to consider claims of malpractice against her.

One Oxford Union member, who wishes to be remain anonymous, said, “They’ve knifed her in the back once and now they are trying again.

“They feel uncomfortable because she’s a Muslim.”

UNDER THE HAMMER Swansea student puts University up for sale on internet auction site

Blackwood update

By Will Talmage Deputy News Editor CARDIFF UNIVERSITY students are still campaigning to stop a bypass being built around Blackwood which will destroy significant quantities of ancient woodland.

Protestors have been camped in the woods for over a month, preventing the contractor Costain from cutting down the trees.

They have been helped by local residents, providing them with food and moral support.

The case has recently been taken to the high court, with Costain trying to evict the campaigners from St David’s Wood, an ancient woodland, and home to protected species such as dormice and bats.

Xpress giveaway Xpress Radio are offering one student the chance to win £150 in their biggest competition to date.

The student radio station have teamed up with Bistro 116 to give away the cash prize at some point during the course of their four week FM broadcast.

When the DJ plays three money related songs – Jamelia’s Money, 50 Cent’s In Da Club and Stereophonics’ Just Lookin’ – in the correct order, listeners can ring the station. Caller 150 will win the cash.

Bidding reaches maximum of $100 million

By Peter Bramwell News Editor SWANSEA UNIVERSITY students who put their institution up for sale on eBay were stunned when bids broke all records, reaching nearly $100 million (£55 million) in one day.

Students’ Union Welfare and Education Officer Hannah Quinn placed an advertisment to sell the university on the internet auction site last Monday as a publicity stunt protesting against against plans to close five departments – anthropology, sociology development studies, chemistry and philosophy.

The advertisement promised potential buyers "stunning sea

views, beautiful listed buildings, and top academic buildings."

The bidding started at just $2, but rocketed to the highest possible bid of $99,999,999 by 5pm.

Ms Quinn said, "We were shocked and a bit worried. The most expensive thing ever sold on eBay was a Gulfstream jet for $4.9 million."

The anonymous final bidder, username niamhryan, failed to pay up and ebay withdrew the university from auction. It sent Ms Quinn a reprimanding email stating, "The item you have listed does not appear to be consistent with eBay guidelines. eBay does not allow listings that are intended as jokes or which feature items that are not

for sale."

Richard Davies, Swansea vicechancellor, has come under fire from academic union leaders for pressing ahead with the plans to restructure departments. However he took the news of eBay auction with good humour, saying, "We have been encouraging entrepreneurialism in our students for some time, but I am surprised it has gone this far."

Competition for uni places

By Stephen Fishbourne Reporter UK STUDENTS look set to face increasing competition for university places due to a rise in the number of students coming from the newly expanded European Union.

The Higher Education Funding Council expects a four-fold increase in the number of students coming to Britain from Eastern Europe when the EU expands to include the Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungary, Poland, Latvia and Lithuania.

Currently, 5,000 undergraduates from the ‘new’ countries study in Britain and this is expected to rise to 20,000. The influx of talented candidates could squeeze UK students out of university places if the government does not make provisions to expand the number of places available.

The UK is expected to be seen as a particularly attractive prospect for foreign students because of the reputation of institutions such as Oxford, Cambridge and LSE. The abolishment of the £1,150 up-front tuition fee also makes it an attractive choice as at least half of the eastern European students would come from disadvantaged backgrounds.

Sir Howard Newby, head of the Higher Education Funding Council, said: "The UK is a very popular place to study for European students. Most universities take the view that they want the most talented students almost irrespective of their origins. If they come from Estonia as opposed to Egham, that is a matter for them."

He also said that extra money would have to be put into the university system in order to ensure there are enough places for UK students following the increase.

The new competition is expected to be felt especially in Maths and Science subjects, disciplines in which Eastern European students are regarded as particularly strong while their British counterparts are perceived as being particularly weak.

Every Lidl helps for hard-up students

By Melinda O’Neill Reporter After months of rumour, the speedily constructed Lidl on Cathays Terrace will open its doors this Thursday at 9am.

They may not use Jamie Oliver, Gail Porter or Prunella Scales to do their advertising, but something must be working as they are now the biggest discount chain store in Europe with over 300 stores nationwide alone.

It is the first budget supermarket

situated within walking distance of the main student areas, Cathays and Roath, and should represent a much cheaper alternative to Co-op and Tescos.

Situated next to the Humanities building developers clearly have the lucrative student market in mind, and Lidl boasts many bargains designed to tempt the discerning student shopper.

Lidl is the Ikea of the food market sector, buying in bulk to reap the benefits of huge economies of scale. Yet while many other tradi-

tional student haunts sell cheap by reducing quality, Lidl claims to maintain the very highest standards.

Combining grocery shopping with weekly hardware deals Lidl aims to spice up the mundane with ‘Thursday’ offers that include various delights from the continent and beyond. This is not, it seems, your usual bog standard, no frills cash and carry.

Perhaps Hypervalue finally has a competitor for the title of ultimate student discount shop.

News

March 15 2004

Page 9

grnews@cf.co.uk

Depression: the unspeakable reality

By John Collingridge News Editor WITH THE exams over, and summer stretching before you, there might seem good reason to celebrate.

But an alcohol-fuelled holiday with mates to the Greek island of Kavos, was the last thing Andy Potter wanted.

He had just been diagnosed with clinical depression. The summer exams and revising 16 hours a day had been too much for him to cope with. Andy knew that he had to do something. "Ringing Nightline, I was advised to visit my GP. He diagnosed

“I was a complete zombie, emotionally and physically unable to do anything”

me with clinical depression, and prescribed me the anti-depressant Prozac."

But Andy went on the holiday despite his misgivings, recalling that "from the start I wasn’t keen on the holiday." It was a decision that he was to regret.

He struggled through the holiday in a blur - a head injury, Prozac, the pressure of the summer exams, health and family problems, and a recent

burglary all combined to lead him into a deeper spiral of depression.

He returned from the holiday "a complete zombie, overly emotional and physically unable to do anything." The repercussions still haunt him today.

The 21-year-old Criminology and Social Policy student is not what you might consider the typical stereotype of a depression victim.

A third year student, on the surface Andy is popular, outgoing, and approachable. As vice-president of the ski and snowboarding club, he is responsible for one of the Union’s biggest and most popular athletic clubs, a role that means he constantly mixes with people.

The towering athlete even spent the last week campaigning for a friend, and could be seen bellowing from on top of a wall at passing students.

But the reality of depression is that it can affect anyone. Figures suggest that as many as one in eight are clinically depressed, and its high morbidity rate is real cause for concern.

Many famous people, from Robbie Williams to Winston Churchill, have suffered from it.

For those who have no direct experience of it, depression is an anomaly that they rarely take time to consider.

It is sometimes described as the "common cold of psychopathology," such is its frequency.

Andy puts his depression down to his ambition: "I strive for perfection.

This is why I have been prone to one of the most common ill-

or t Facts, figures and suthovpp en, ig van Bee Famous depression sufferers: Ludw k Bruno, Germaine Fran sin, Yelt s Bori Vincent van Gogh, Prince Charles, , king Haw Greer, Buzz Aldrin, Stephen se Clee John art, Moz people worldwide.

Prozac is taken by over 37 million the population are sufferBetween five and 10 per cent of nt at any one time. exte e som to ss illne ing from the five chance of having an Over a lifetime you have a one in episode of depression. r from depression as men.

Women are twice as likely to suffe Call Nightline on 02920 223 993 t the Blues’ Sport and Recreation offer a ‘Bea service - call 02920 876 706 up a counCall in to 47 Park Place to pick ment selling pack or arrange an appoint

nesses of the 21st century."

But for Andy, there was no direct solution. With the medication came more problems, "I had a bad reaction to Prozac, getting the shakes and sweating, so was prescribed another drug.

"With very little improvement over the summer, and after suffering paranoia attacks, I was prescribed yet another drug, known as Zyprexa. It settled me down."

The solution was not as simple as medication. He explained that "a big problem was being with mates, and part of a club, where drinking is a big social part."

Alcohol really didn’t help – so Andy stopped drinking, despite the problems of social exclusion that such a move can mean.

Friends asked him why he was not drinking, and he reeled off a list of excuses, from antibiotics to money problems. But the reality was that drink and depression simply did not mix.

"I started off by lying about things.

Why I wasn't drinking, why I sleep so much. Then I decided I wasn't embarrassed about it, so became a lot more open."

As a result things have improved drastically for Andy and he hasn’t

drunk for seven months.

The biggest change Andy was to make was a simple one – talking about it.

"I came to a point where a mate made me realise that medication isn’t the only way forward. I went to the

“Drugs and drinking are not a solution to depression talking about it is crucial” psychiatrist and explained this and he suggested counselling."

The benefits have made a massive difference in his life: "I would recommend it as an alternative to any drug the world has to offer. Breathing exercises and visualisation relaxation techniques can really put you in a better mood for doing anything."

He uses a tape twice a day that relaxes him and mentally prepares him for working and sleeping. Andy has also taken part in group counselling with other students who have similar problems, individual coun-

selling working on cognitive therapy, and a series of lectures called Stresspack.

He explained the difference it has made: "Anti-depressant drugs can be a good short-term solution but look at other alternatives first. I have now had my medication halved and hope to be off drugs completely by the summer. It has taken eight months though."

Andy’s housemates and friends at the ski club also made a great difference. He emphasised the importance of friends looking out for each other and not ignoring the symptoms of depression: "Keep your eyes open, look out for friends, especially if they sleep a lot or spend time in their room alone."

His advice is to make the most of your time at university: "Getting up and doing stuff makes you feel a lot better." Exercise, hobbies, and sufficient sleep are also crucial to treating and preventing depression.

Following his diagnosis with depression, Andy has had to abandon his ambition to enter the police force, but he is optimistic about the future.

"I’m having a year out, to sort things out, travel, and see things in perspective. It’s getting better all the time.

Just don’t let things build up."

Opinion & Editorial

Page 10

March 15 2004

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

rhydd

gair

CARDIFF’S STUDENT WEEKLY

EST. 1972

There is a widespread feeling among students that this year’s union elections were unsatisfactory on several levels.

Doubts have been raised elsewhere in gair rhydd regarding the ability of incoming officers to handle the weighty responsibilities which come with their positions of power. A prevalent opinion is that this is related to the fact that circus act gimmicks seemed to sway voters more than concrete policies.

Yet it is also clear that the candidates were barely given a chance to campaign in a more substantial way, due to the shambolic and at times farcical handling of the election by the current team.

Students were not informed about election hustings, the traditional venue

GAIRRHYDD.CO.UK

for students to put candidates on the spot and voice their concerns. Meanwhile, the number of voting days was cut from three to two and moved to the start of the week, thereby reducing both awareness of events and the amount of time in which candidates could convey their policies directly to students. Both the pressure to rely on gimmickry and the susceptibility of voters to fall for it was thus increased.

No legitimate reason has yet been given for such incompetence, nor for the numerous other oversights and hitches which plagued the election period.

It is the job of the executive team to ensure that the electorate is able to make the most informed choices possible about the future of their union. This year, they failed miserably.

Formula Feltz?

By Dan Keel

G

one are the days of Nigel Mansell and Ayrton Senna fighting it out in battle after battle on and off the racetrack. Formula 1 Grand Prix racing, even to the greatest of fans, is now surely becoming a rather dull affair with Schumacher and Ferrari dominating race after race.

The entertainment now comes in the form of the odd crash, the odd exciting pit-stop but chiefly comes in the form of the weird and wonderful ideas concocted by race organisers to make it more exciting. Over the past few years, organisers have invented one-hour qualifying sessions, safety cars, limits on tyre changes and stopgo penalties, but all have predictably failed. Of course they have failed, they’re just not thinking ‘big’ enough!

I

n the past fortnight I have encountered a guy on rollerblades in surfer shorts and an Indian headdress, have been accosted by a group of six foot monkeys, and have witnessed one of my lecturers being practically molested by an inflatable ballerina. No, I haven’t been experimenting with hallucinogenic drugs; this was just one day in the run-up to the sabbatical elections.

During the last fortnight you will not have failed to notice the increasing intensity and craziness of the campaigns as the elections drew nearer. It started off with pretty arrangements of masking tape decorating our pavements. This was, to me, a little baffling (I’m a first year and have never encountered the elections before) as they just spelt out seemingly random names; I wondered whether they were some weird philosophical/psychological experiment and was starting to consider conspiracy theories.

As soon as I heard about the elections, it all started to make sense; the masking tape had a purpose! A host of Blue Peter-esque banners were paraded on windows across Cathays and there was an explosion of people donning election tops and emblazoned with stickers. Then the campaigns got a whole lot crazier. As

the elections loomed, my lectures started to begin in an increasingly amusing fashion; we encountered rewritten songs, dancing ballerinas, and a whole host of quirky campaign capers. We were even invaded by stripping coal miners. Twice. What a perfect way to begin a 9 o’clock lecture (lecturers please take note; if you want more people to attend those killer early starts then please be entertaining)!

However, on the actual days of voting, the wacky campaigns turned into irritating, invasive acts of desperation; students were being tempted with sweets and treats and were then forced to listen to singing that should be made illegal in public.

It was truly painful to see candidates trying to reverse voter apathy with selfdeg rading gimmicks.

Yet the most worrying trend was that many students were voting for candidates purely on the basis of the gimmicks. So while I did find the quirky tactics of the candidates bizarre, the simple fact is that many will have received votes just because they donned fancy dress or rewrote lyrics to a random song; these crazy antics were as important to their campaign as their manifestos. I can only hope that Britain’s next general election won’t be reduced to the same standard. Then again, the thought of Tony Blair singing I’m Still Standing while dancing in a pink tutu is fairly amusing…

“We were even invaded by stripping coal miners.

Twice.”

would be racing each week (please vote Rik Waller).

Finally, in terms of pit-stops, why can’t drivers work that little bit harder by jumping out of the car and racing to pay for fuel at the kiosk while Vanessa changes the tyres?

These are the kind of changes that the public craves, and to be fair the F1 governing body does seem to be coming round to the nature of the viewers’ demands. After last year’s British Grand Prix, when a demonstrator awoke viewers by running onto the track, officials immediately began plans to provide marshals with rubber-bullet rifles to take out offenders before they reach the racing line… Now that’s more like it! That’s the kind of incentive required to encourage viewers to watch the entire race rather than dozing off on lap three after their Sunday roast before awaking two hours later to the German national anthem.

well as mine. I phoned her to see what she thought about the whole mother’s day thing and she ended up having a bit of a rant: “The whole point is that it’s a religious festival where we celebrate the mother’s work - now the card companies have invented Father’s Day and Grandparent’s Day for purely commercial motives and it undermines the value of what was once a special and holy day."

Good point. So is there any point in sending my mum anything this year, or ever again in fact, if all it represents is the card companies’ exploitation of emotions? Why should Hallmark get to make a profit out of one person’s affection for another? Mum – "Well, it is lovely to get a card." Typical.

The days of the bitter teenage arguments might have long gone but my mother still drives me crazy. She

puts the wrong inflection in words like DJ, she’s going deaf, she believes in alternative remedies, thinks cigarettes are pure evil, cannot understand why I go shopping for clothes when I am overdrawn, wakes me up too early, tells embarrassing childhood stories to inappropriate people, can’t do punctuation in text messages, and thinks New Look is great because it’s cheap and fashionable.

But I love her dearly not in spite of, but because of all these little idiosyncrasies, and the annual crappy card isn’t enough to show it. I’m still going to send one, not just because she’d be disappointed if I didn’t, or because it’s tradition, and not because my dad would just fake my signature anyway. I’m sending a card because, no matter how old you are, mothers are wonderful and they deserve to be told every now and then.

Ruth Dickinson on crappy cards and Mother’s Day

Vote gimmick M

By Kerry-Lynne Doyle

What we need is more radical changes to the track, the drivers and the pit-stops which increase the potential for disaster as, let’s face it, we all enjoy watching a good smashup.

Firstly, forcing all circuits to conform to the traditional, figure-ofeight variety could produce a few unexpected incidents. By ‘figure-ofeight’ I don’t mean with a bridge, I mean the more interesting Scalextric crossover style. Speed bumps, speed cameras and the odd roundabout would also make things less predictable; 20 cars slowing from 200mph to 20mph to avoid penalties would certainly bring the field closer together.

Secondly, why not follow the route taken by all successful TV shows and employ a Z-list celebrity? Vanessa Feltz could change the tyres in the pitlane, whilst a public telephone vote could determine which celebrity

other’s day was a big deal in primary school; I can remember cakes, poems, songs and proud presentations of carefully crafted tissue paper flowers still sticky from all the PVA. That was when I truly believed my mother was perfect: an infallible creature who could do no wrong. Then came secondary school and five years of almost constant rows.

I never felt like suspending my pointless but passionate resentment and angst for the sake of religion and tradition so for that time it was left to my dad to organise Mother’s Day in our house. I can remember him dropping hints and fivers on my desk, and one year he actually had to wake me up on the Sunday morning and demand a signature on a card.

And now? We’re close, we don’t argue much, we talk about her life as

Adam Douglas’s

C

over versions are, without a doubt, this week’s candidate for inclusion in Room 101. I mean, are artists and bands that short of inspiration, talent and originality that they have to resort to ripping off songs written and recorded by other people?

Let’s consider some recent atrocities. It was bad enough that The Darkness, dressed in spandex and sporting the worst in 70s facial topiary, managed to sell enough copies of I Believe In A Thing Called Love to get to number one, but then Lemar, a manufactured pop reject, records a limp, semi-acoustic version.

What the fuck is going on?

Next up would have to be

ROOM 101

Introduction, the debut album of Alex Parks, pop’s currently vogue angry Cornish lesbian. Admittedly, one cannot expect 10 weeks in the BBC’s Fame Academy to actually turn out quality, original musicians. But warbling her way through an eclectic range of cover songs from Lennon’s Imagine to Aguilera’s Beautiful is only going to give her critics ample reason for dismissing her as another momentary blip on the music scene.

Talentless pop idols are not the only criminals, causing offence through lazy recording habits. Westlife, Joss Stone, Tori Amos, even Guns’N’Roses have released discs of other people’s material. In stark contrast there are a range of talented, original and recording artists such Eminem, Kings

Of Convenience, Godspeed You! Black Emperor and Keane.

Personally, I do not think that the phone-in selected pop puppets have any more say in their track selection than the average organ grinder’s performing monkey. So the fault probably lies with the label responsible for feeding, grooming and coaching the afore mentioned musical simians. Putting profits before originality, it seems that a quick route to producing an album is to back fill half the disc (or in a few notable cases, the whole bloody album) with other peoples tracks.

So, on behalf of the host of disappointed fans, I nominate all the shite cover versions ever recorded as this week’s denizens of Room 101.

Opinion & Editorial

March 15 2004

Page 11

gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Haiti: The perfect coup or corruption and conspiracy?

A

By David Jarmain

popular revolution in Haiti deposed the country’s corrupt President JeanBertrand Aristide. The UN Security Council has sent a stabilising force to oversee new elections and disarm street gangs. This is an rare example of international co-operation and intervention working.

Having swept the country, rebels forced Aristide to flee when they reached the capital Port-au-Prince.

The crisis had been brewing since 2000 when Aristide was believed to have rigged elections and remained in power despite widespread, popular opposition. The rebels, led by Guy Philippe, a former police chief, were met by thousands of cheering residents as they arrived in the Haitian capital.

To see the effectiveness of the operation one must look beyond the usual Washington intervention, which frequently intrudes into everything irrespective of whether it is their business or not. It is a UN-approved, non-unilateralist intervention. Tony Blair is thankfully and notably nowhere to be seen.

America aside, the successful intervention suggests something exceptional: effective international

co-operation. Even the Canadians, a peaceful nation even if they are responsible for unleashing Bryan Adams on the world, have sent troops.

They will be joined by Brazil, forces from neighbouring Caribbean nations and the anti-Iraqi intervention French.

The rebels have pledged full cooperation with UN peacekeepers.

Despite the devastation left in the wake of their advance across the country, and the tragic deaths of 100 people, blame must be placed where it should be: with Aristide. If he had accepted his unpopularity and ran a fair election none of this would have been necessary.

The situation in Haiti could be considered healthy and democratic. If a leader remained in office in Europe after losing an election, a popular uprising would inevitably follow to remove them from power.

Imposing leaders on countries is undoubtedly a detestable thing. But when a people rise up to depose their leader without external interference, a subsequent UN intervention to stabilise the situation and allow them to elect a leader they actually want must surely be a positive thing.

It should be remembered, however, that it was the US who installed Aristide in 1994. They are again attempting to compose an ‘interim council’. While Haitians are calling for the arrest of Aristide loyalist Yvon Neptune, the US has selected him to stay on as prime minister.

This could be an example of a fine UN effort, but may be derailed and futile against the meddling of the world’s only remaining superpower.

F

By Lyndsay Gowlett

ormer President JeanBertrand Aristide claims he was the victim of a coup d’état. He maintains that the CIA forced him to leave at gunpoint after a telephone call stating the Bush administration no longer consider his position tenable. Currently, he is exiled in the Central African Republic and maintains he is being held against his will.

The former priest met his downfall following mounting unease over his totalitarian methods, allowing corruption to flourish and failing to address economic problems facing Haiti’s eight million people.

Haiti became the first black republic by declaring independence in 1804. It has suffered decades of political violence and is now one of the poorest countries in the western hemisphere. 85 per cent of the population live in a state of abject poverty while Arisitde lived in a luxurious presidential palace.

Aristide was first deposed in 1991 by a military coup but the US intervened and restored him. Aristide disbanded the State’s army in 1995, allowing the ‘chimère’, a vicious progovernment teenage militia, to terrorise the population enforcing his will.

In May 2000 Aristide was elected by popular vote, winning 92 per cent of the votes cast. The political crisis stemming from the corrupt administration’s rigged elections has led the international donors including the US and EU to suspend all aid to Haiti. In 2003, suspended loan disbursements and aid totalled more than $500 million.

Events culminated in a bloody three-week rebellion led by a rebel army, wanting the state army reestablished, and colossal pressure from the US. Aristide has been removed from power, but the situation remains questionable.

Aristide claims that America staged a coup against a democratically elected government. Previously, US diplomats had been considering a new government without Aristide. He claims he was threatened at gunpoint and was only “co-operating” to protect his family and his fellow Haitians.

The Bush administration refused to send troops when Aristide requested international help in January and February. Could this be US revenge for Aristide’s recognition of Cuba in 1996? The US could have intervened months ago, saving the number of casualties that have resulted from this political disaster.

With Aristide out of the way, the US is putting together its own interim council to run Haiti (hmm, I wonder who will be the main beneficiary?) and is calling for the dismissal, and subsequent arrest, of Aristide’s administration.

Obviously, all allegations of US coercion are being denied by Washington.

James Emtage’s Student Stereotypes Hugo: the public schoolboy student

H

ugo noticed Richard’s Eton rugby top from the other side of the bar and, never one to miss an opportunity, marched straight over to say hello. ‘Hi there… I see you were at Eton…

I’m a Harrow boy myself…’ And they were off.

There then followed a 20 minute conversation on which people they both knew, which parties they’d both been to, and which rugger matches they’d both played in.

It turned out that they were at the same prep school, but only for a term or so, as Richard’s father was then sent to work as a diplomat in Kenya, providing a good opportunity for the family to live like Kings at the taxpayers expense, “Just like it was in colonial days, hey.” They got on famously, and before long, they were trotting off to Gloucestershire together to watch the polo, kitted out in their pink shirts and deck shoes, armed with a bottle of Moët. And then came the

holidays.

To Hugo’s joy, Richard’s parents invited him to join them in their chalet in the Swiss Alps for New Year: “Such good skiing at St Moritz, don’t you agree?” And Richard’s godfather has just invited them both up for a weekend of grouse shooting in Scotland. Girls rage at their arrogance, yet still swoon at their rugged good looks and connections with the high society of England. Only last week pictures of Richard kissing Zara

Phillips at the races made it into Horse & Hound. As his Golf speeds down the M4 back into Cardiff, from yet another weekend away, Hugo reflects that Richard was a very good contact to make.

Student Stereotypes are not meant to cause offence. They are merely a collection of observations of those around us. Everybody belongs to a stereotype, most to more than one.

We should all be able to laugh at ourselves once in a while…

Student Rant

I

Rachel Howells

t's 2.51 in the morning, and Green Day's Basket Case is disturbing my slumber. Not that I've been able to get to sleep in the first place, because the fuckers next door are keeping me awake. Again.

Why is it that every Monday night I'm deprived of sleep by these inconsiderate twats? Tuesday would be the one day of the week when I have a 9am lecture. I realise that this is something that happens to every student at some point.

The way I see it, I have three options. Number one - go next door and complain. Now, I'm not afraid of confrontation, but I don't particularly relish the thought of traipsing next door in my nightie, in the freezing cold, only to face the jeers of these (probably wasted) Neanderthals.

Obviously I've considered it, but to be honest I'd rather confess my undying love for Declan Donnelly (he's so cute) than resort to this humiliation.

“uttering increasingly odious blasphemy into my pillow”

Number two - I could respond by playing even louder my own hard rocking and equally inappropriate records for this time of the morning.

But this is just likely to result in an ongoing and petulant war from which neither party benefits.

Number three - I lie in bed, desperately waiting for the noise to stop, uttering increasingly odious blasphemy into my pillow. This is what inevitably happens. Roll on 4 o’clock.

It's only after the infernal racket (I sound like my grandparents now) has stopped that I realise I'm now wide awake, and notice all the other annoying sounds around me, such as cars driving back and forth (where the hell are they going at this time in the morning?), people walking past gossiping as loudly as they possibly can (I repeat the question) and the screeches of stray alley cats.

As if I could get to sleep now anyway, Green Day starts up again, telling me about going to see shrinks to analyse their dreams. Lucky them - they may be crazy, but at least they got a good night's sleep.

Fancy a rant?

E-mail 340 words to gropinion@cf.ac.uk

Opinion

March 15 2004

Page 13

icarus500@hotmail.com

Flying too close to the political flame

Why turn our backs on the National Union of Success?

T

HE DECISION last month by Bristol Students’ Union to abandon the NUS will go down as one of the daftest in student history.

Bristol Union is lead by President Can Okar, an anti-NUS diehard who thinks the national union “spends too much time on campaigning against fees”.

He told students not to bother with the recent HE shutdown, saying students should attend uni as normal, presumably even if their lecturers were out on strike.

Can Okar? More like Okar Can’t.

He’s now managed to hoodwink Bristol’s AGM into voting for a messy divorce with NUS. But Bristol’s students have thrown a spanner into the works of his little plot.

200 signatures are needed to force a campus-wide referendum – and 550 have been collected so far.

That’s more than even turned up to the original AGM. President Can’t has been forced to agree to a democratic vote, but that’s not stopping him doing his damned best to jerry-rig it.

The “yes to NUS” campaign was given just one hour’s notice of a critical referendum meeting, and just a day’s notice to start campaigning.

The “no” campaign, meanwhile, is lead by Okar himself – so they’ve had all the preparation time they need.

their plans had got through then Solus, the Taf, the Games Room, the Student Services lounge, gair rhydd, Xpress Radio – none of it would probably exist.

The NUS forced the Government to back down. If that’s not worth our membership fees, I don’t know what is.

Cardiff pays £47,600 a year, which sounds like a lot, but the Union’s turnover is a whopping £6,300,000. We can afford the NUS. Students’ unions generally spend less than 10 per cent of their money on being part of a national organization.

Every other trade union spends closer to 60 per cent. They’re far richer than NUS, but which of them has come so close to beating Blair?

The NUS’s value becomes even more clear when you add in the role of NUS Services Ltd (NUSSL).

This is a giant trade consortium that acts on behalf of all students’ unions in the UK. It buys in bulk, so it can get far better prices.

The cheap beer, food, goods and services in our Cheap drinks: just one of the benefits of NUS membership union are thanks to them.

It’s no wonder This is because President Can’t the average vote in favour of NUS has students’ unions are flocking to join NUS. Since 1990 knows that referenda to leave NUS been well over 80 per cent. always fail.

The only unions that have membership has grown by, on average, Since 1990, more than 30 referenda disaffiliated in recent years have done 13 unions a year.

The NUS now covers a whopping 98 have been held in unions up and down so in defiance of democracy.

Southampton’s executive arbitrarily per cent of students’ unions in the UK. the country.

In its 80-year history the None of them have managed it, and booted their students out of number of students’ NUS after they’d voted unions who have overwhelmingly to democratically stay in – twice. voted to leave is And an 85 An occasional feature devoted to the so small it’s per cent “yes fuck-ups, hypocrisy and outright lies Collected thoughts from trained chimp and insignificant. to NUS” printed by Britain’s Worst Newspaper.

Sure, our vote in leader of the free world George W Bush national U M I S T The Bush-loving hacks at The Spin were quick w a s n ’ t to denounce the Brits caged in George’s Cuban union isn’t concentration camp as “the Tipton Taliban”. perfect. Its enough to “ARREST THESE TRAITORS THE MINUTE THEY democratic c o nv i n c e t h e i r SET FOOT ON BRITISH SOIL” screeched the rag. s t r u c t u r e But now things has gone frum But when the four were returned after being can seem president Yeee-haw! bad ta worse. locked up for two long years, the British confusing and and his This Kerry guy’s bin sayin’ the police released them without charge. intimidating at minions.

Yes sirree, I’m back! Mister US economy’s fallin’ apart under The Spin was quick to backpedal: times.

This is Icarus has had so many requests, my rule and 2.2 million jobs have “Justice must be seen to be done.

But that’s no hardly surprising he’s decided to let me return. been lost.

If they’re innocent, they must be freed.” excuse to throw your when you consider As you prob’ly bin hearin’, my They’s sayin’ all the jobs is toys out of the pram and that NUS has been re-elecshun campaign in’t goin’ goin’ abroad, where theyse leave altogether. amazingly successful, and is zackerly to plan right now. runnin’ their economies better.

If Bristol students were allowed to admired and copied by student Firs’, dem nasty Democrats So I decided to set up a see the facts about NUS, there’s no way movements across the world. found out I dodged the draft in “Manufacturing Tsar” to sort out OK, they lost the first battle in the President Can’t would win his the Vietnam War. duh problem - a guy called top-up fees fight. But Blair has the referendum.

Seein’ as I’m a-fightin’ this guy Anthony Raimondo.

If he really thinks NUS is unlargest parliamentary majority in a John Kerry who’s a decorated Trouble is, someone noticed my generation – and NUS cut it to just five democratic and unworkable, why war hero, that just ain’t good, no Tony runs a company that laid off doesn’t he run for NUS president votes. siree. loadsa US workers and set up a In the past, NUS has defeated less himself and sort it out?

Almost wish I’d had the guts ta fact’ry in China!

Because then students up and down powerful governments outright. put my life on the line now - just Whups!

In 1994, the Tories tried to destroy the land would see his argument for the like all them boys I sent to Iraq.

See ya next week! students’ unions as we know them. If sham it is.

He y, it can talk!

R DEMAND A L U P O P Y B K C BA

SPOT

Bitesize The worst student ever HAVING TROUBLE with those exams? Think you might have to repeat a year?

Well then take pity on the hapless Shivdan Yadav of Rajasthan, India. I can guarantee this guy has it worse than you.

The 56-year-old has now taken, and failed, his school exams for a world-beating 37 times.

And the poor sod took a vow aged 20 - to never marry until he passes.

Three decades later, he’s revising for his 38th attempt.

If he passes I bet the proposals will start flooding in.

Give the girl a break I’VE BEEN AMAZED by the reaction of the great South Wales public to the news that HTV newsgirl Lucy Cohen escaped a driving ban.

The silly gal was caught speeding with nine points on her licence – meaning the next three would disqualify her.

But she’s also been stalked by some anti-Semitic headcase and is too frightened to wait about for taxis or public transport.

So the judge decided hers was an exceptional case – but warned her she couldn’t use the same excuse next time.

Sounds reasonable, but not according to readers of the South Wales Echo, who’ve written in in droves to blast the decision.

I’m confused.

I keep being told by Jeremy Clarkson, the Tory Party and the rest of the right-wing media that the British public are fed up with New Labour’s car-hating traffic police sticking cameras on every corner.

So surely we should be cheering this victory for common sense?

Letters

Page 14

MArch 15 2004

grletters@cf.ac.uk Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They are available for collection from the gair rhydd offices, on the top floor of the union building.

Dear gair rhydd, I am writing in reference to a gig I attended at St David’s Hall by a group by the name of Yo La Tengo. I went with a group of friends anticipating a relaxing and enjoyable evening. How wrong I was. This group, with their hate-filled songs, promote a mindless culture of violence. Incendiary song upon spleen-venting missive were hurled wantonly upon the crowd, who eagerly lapped it up like a bunch of pagan warriors, slowly working themselves into a frenzy. One ‘fan’ in the front row had to be physically restrained by a nervous looking security guard after her foot-tapping looked set to disrupt the whole row.

Another ‘fan’ provoked fear in an innocent stranger by turning to them after one song and saying, unprovoked, “That was nice that, really nice.” Thankfully the stranger was able to recognise the Yo La Tengo-ite by her black framed glasses and

woolly jumper emblazoned with two kittens hugging, and so was able to restrain the situation before it got out of hand.

At this point the tension was reaching fever pitch. Some ‘fans’ were accompanying their clapping with unwarranted cheers, and others were even shouting out the names of their favourite ‘songs’, if these feral battlecries can be classed as such. I decided to escape, and retired to the toilet to relieve my tension. Some of the Yo La Tengo-ites must have followed me, as on my way to the toilet I heard shameless discussion of obscure Japanese cartoons. They had come to pick me off, a straggler from the herd.

I tried to blend in, but to no avail.

One of them must have noticed my athletic gait, or the way I was able to hold my penis without a feeling of self-disgust. They were everywhere.

They were massing like flies on a dog turd, rallying each other with talk of a sale on vintage T-shirts at Hobo’s and

Get a job

Opinion poll

Dear gair rhydd,

Dear gair rhydd,

In response to David Morris’ rant a few weeks ago: I can see why he might think humanities students are neglected. Yes, some departments are more supportive of students’ careers search than others. However, whose job should it be to prepare us fully for the real world? Wasn’t coming to university partly about gaining independence? So surely a corollary of that is showing independence and personal responsibility for our futures?

Lecturers have enough to do with marking, preparing, and researching the Careers Service is only a two minute walk from most departments.

Furthermore, the Careers Service has two consultants especially for humanities students. There are regular talks that give insights into a variety of jobs aimed at we who study poetry, dead people etc. I do not see how humanities students are hard done by; we study something that genuinely interests us, learn to think for ourselves, and at the end of it, we can apply to over 40 per cent of jobs on the market.

I am not saying that other commitments and studying do not take up a lot of time. What about the holidays, though? It doesn’t say much for your time management if you can’t spare an afternoon to think about your future.

The present is stressful, but at least some ideas of your future can minimise any feelings of uncertainty, making you less stressed in the long run. I cannot think of anything harder than trying to get somewhere without knowing where you are going. It may be boring, it may be time-consuming, but we have to be pro-active. There are two career consultants who specialise in humanities subjects at the Careers Office who are always willing to help.

Getting work experience is, in some respects, as important as your degree (as people at the Careers Service tell me). After all, think about how many thousands of people will graduate with a 2:1 this summer? How else are you going to stand out, if not by showing some thought and commitment to a chosen career.

All I have heard and read this week is how people are disappointed with the turnout for uni elections and how the student body does not appear to be interested. The simple answer is that we aren't interested, because when you want to get a student to vote for something, a good idea would be to explain your policies rather than prancing around dressed like a Charlie waving a sodding banner that proclaims you have a name. Also, if we ask questions an intelligent or even coherent answer is generally regarded as more worthwhile than saying "I dunno, cos he's fit" as some prune did earlier today.

Secondly, we really don't like the buzzing faggots that hang off your coat-tails. These goons tend to lose more votes for you than they gain.

They are soooo annoying. And there's no peace from them! Plus I still, despite vast amounts of scrubbing, can't get the pink scrawl off my arm from Wednesday. The last things we want to see when we go for a night out are these filthy hermits.

And then when it comes to the end of an evening, not only are these peasants still trying to scrawl on your shirt, when you tell them to leave off, they decide that getting abusive is the way forward and try to force it on you! Nor do we appreciate you turning up in lectures and then screwing up your attempt at a routine. Finally, when I go to the library I expect to be able to do my damn work in peace. So when I saw some hairy prick dressed in a bedsheet trying to get people to notice him, I'm afraid I lost my patience... hence this letter. Not only was I preparing for a presentation, my senses had already been assaulted by a gent astride the library gates on one side of the road, waving yet another damn banner and a roller skating fool on the other side of the road attempting to kill himself.

Would these people please just piss off and leave us alone?

Finally, you want another reason as to why we don't vote? Because all we can see is that the entire election, particularly for AU President, is

Name withheld

how My Friend’s Abortion were better when they were more underground. I made the mistake of smiling at my reflection in the mirror, and felt the unmistakable blow of six vinyl-only Sonic Youth singles in a carrier bag hit me in the thigh. As I went down, all I could hear were cries of “I bet you got picked first in Games” and “poke him in the eye, blind him, make him one of us”. If it wasn’t for the quick thinking of a bystander who claimed you could see Stephen Malkmus’s face in a pasty purchased at the bar I could still be there now.

Yo La Tengo and their followers are a cancerous growth on the crying eyes of society. Stop them, before it’s too late.

Name withheld to prevent reprisals from the militant wing of the Belle & Sebastian fan club This man is funny. I want to marry him. nothing more than a glorified popularity contest. To coin a phrase from Mr. Blackadder, we think that you could stick a monkey in a suit, strategically shave said monkey and it would probably do a better job than any of you. None of you want to do the uni any good; all you want is the prestige of putting down on your CV or bragging to your mates that you were president. In reality, you are going to stay on at uni for another year, milk what you can from it and then sod off. Well, please go quietly and try not to disturb us on your way out.

Stressed second year Dear gair rhydd, I am naturally a fan of democracy and participation. Obviously I think it is important that students get involved in the running of the university. However, I believe that all this upcoming election comes down to is how many of your mates you can get to dress up in stupid clothes. This popularity contest does not benefit anybody except the people standing and their egos. I am sure that the majority of those prospective candidates are nice hardworking people who care about the union and the university, but what are they actually going to do?

Let us start with the Students Union. I will admit I am not totally clued up on the organisational structure of this fine body and who does what. But I would guess the union is a business. Are these students who have little or no experience of anything actually going to run our union? I would hope not. Anyhow, a majority of Cardiff students only want a union that offers good nights, is safe and is reasonably priced. All these three criteria have largely been met. In reality they have little to do, apart from attend meetings and maintain the status quo. It does not matter who is elected; it will make little difference to what most students see and do every day.

I am not denying the need for these posts to be filled, but we need honesty and perspective on what these elections are really about and this should come from the candidates

The gair rhydd letters page themselves. The elections are in danger of mirroring local and national elections as they do not actually matter. The only people who will really gain something are those who get elected. It will help their CV and no doubt be good fun to do.

Name withheld

Last words Dear gair rhydd, I am not here to make this a slanging match, but I felt that I had to be exonerated in reference to your response.

In this week's gair rhydd you responded to my criticism about the anal sex article by suggesting that I had not done "a small amount of research" into gair rhydd, and that this would have alerted me your "usually responsible attitude to student's issues (for example last week's Health guide to HIV)."

I sent gair rhydd the letter a week before you published the said HIV article. Therefore I cannot be attacked for not doing my research, as the HIV article was not yet published. In fact, when I read the HIV article I thought it was strange that you had not responded to my letter in that issue as it would have tied in nicely. Now I realise that by holding back my letter a week, so you could put the HIV story out before responding and it was a petty ploy to undermine my sentiment.

Also, you answered my criticism by suggesting that gair rhydd is "usually responsible". I didn't complain at any point about how gair rhydd usually covers health issues, I had problems with that particular article. To use a metaphor, if I complained about a fly in my soup it would be illogical for the cook to say "well you obviously haven't researched this restaurant, as there wasn't a fly in all the other soups I made before,”; he would try and rectify or explain the situation at hand.

Finally, you state that "health issues have their own section as do social or sex issues"; I do not see how this responds to any of the problems I outlined with the article. I did not have any issue with the topic, but how it was covered. I quote from my original letter "If this issue had been discussed in an intelligent, sensitive manner this may have been more acceptable."

The lack of valid response to my letter was nicely summed up in the last line of your reply: "responses to this letter to the usual address, please."

Leave it to someone else to reply to my issues with the article, as gair rhydd can't.

Alena Macevoy I was merely defending the paper as I disagreed with everything you said, but as I am no fan of censorship I still printed it. I then left it to the author of the piece to reply to your issues, along with some of the other readers who were offended by your comments.

I definitely did not deliberately hold back your article for a week

and there are numerous other articles that have dealt with the issues of safe sex and HIV across the whole of gair rhydd’s illustrious history – I cited that one only as a recent example.

Dear gair rhydd, In response to Lee Gregory's letter last week I want to say something on behalf of what I believe is the majority of the students at Cardiff.

I don't care what fags do in the privacy of their own homes or in gay clubs, but don't go shoving it down our throats (excuse the pun), or it'll get bitten (sorry, couldn't resist).

I am quite happy to condemn queer-bashing or anything like that, and have loads of queer mates who are appalled at the way you have to shout about it. At the end of the day, it ain't natural and is offensive to most people. To be honest, I don't like watching straight people treating me to a porn show in clubs on a Saturday night either.

As for your threat about the Equal Opportunites policy, shove it up your arse and keep it there. The union has a habit of using it to silence people it doesn't like, like that bloke who used to do the politics page. The union is for ALL of us, not for the militant minorities to shout about their crap without the majority getting a word in edgeways.

Sort it out!

Ta, Garry.

I recommend, Garry, that you don’t try and speak for other students. Your opinions are your own.

Text etiquette Dear gair rhydd, It is that time of year when people start advertising the fact they have spare rooms in their houses for the new academic year. The posters go up with a selection of numbers in which to contact them. As someone trying to find such spare rooms I find it annoying when if I have contacted them by text, as that is cheaper, I get no reply.

I think everyone would agree that if you get a reply saying that the room is taken you know that at least you were appreciated for a little while and there is now no need to worry. Those who do not answer I think should get their arse into gear and sort themselves out otherwise if they do have a spare room they will never get it filled from lack of communication on their part. Also people looking for spare rooms not want to be left on tenterhooks for ages thinking that there is a possibility of a room.

I think all those who are going to advertise spare rooms on posters around the university should take note of this and remember to communicate back to those showing an interest in their empty room. Take heed!

Annoyed room hunter

Letter s is suppor ted by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

If anyone is interested in the role of Letters Editor, training begins next week. Send an email to grletters@cf.ac.uk as soon as possible.

Some of us have a dissertation to write, you know!

Letters

March 15 2004

Page 15

grletters@cf.ac.uk

The gair rhydd letters page II Letters has two pages at last and I seem to have cleared the backlog a little. However I am beginning to worry that the text messages coming in are a couple of weeks old, so I apologise if they are not desperately relevant. What am I talking about? They are text messages. They are an irrelevence.

If the less eloquent of you could read through your letters before you send them it would be much appreciated.

Janine Jones

AUT strike Dear gair rhydd, I am writing to voice my wholehearted support for our university staff in the AUT and their decision to boycott marking.

As a student, I obviously want to have my coursework marked.

However, I also recognise that if those university staff and lecturers who deliver my education continue to have such poor pay and conditions this is going to effect my course in a far more negative sense.

Lecturers are taking action because they have no other choice.

They already suffer intolerable conditions and employers want to make them even worse!

I may not be happy about waiting for my grades, but I cannot blame my lecturers when it is the university employers who are at fault. They are the ones who are simply refusing to sit down at the negotiating table and talk to the AUT. I am therefore writing to the ViceChancellor to get him to tell the employers to sort themselves out (as I hope many others will too).

AUT members are standing shoulder to shoulder with students in the fight against top-up fees and we should support them in the fight against locally negotiated pay. The two issues are one of the same, the marketisation of our higher education system. This is a fight for the quality of our education, those who can afford to access it and those who can survive delivering it. Staff and students are fighting for the same thing, we cannot afford to fight each other.

Mel, second year Social Policy student Dear gair rhydd, We, as students, are expected to fully respect our lecturers and be forever grateful for the time they donate to tutoring us and marking our exams and essays. However, they have never seemed to respect us in any way, which has become very apparent over the past few days. During a 9am lecture we were told by our smiling lecturer that the staff at Cardiff University have no intention of marking any of our work, including exams, until negotiations following the industrial action has been taken up again with the College Dean. In the manner this was explained it became apparent that the staff couldn’t give a damn about the fact that gaining our degrees is quite a huge part of our lives, and that they have no right to put our futures on the line due to them being greedy.

This affects our plans for the coming years. Many of us may be left with nothing to do next year, as postgraduate courses and our jobs depend on us providing employers and such with our grades in June or July. Now it seems as if we won’t get our grades, so jobs and postgraduate places will be given to

graduates who have proof of their grades.

Why is it that staff are taking out their issues concerning salaries on the students? We are not responsible in any way for their salaries. We pay good money to be here, some of us up to £8,000 per year just in fees to get this degree, and this dispute really has nothing to do with us at all.

In addition, the students have been asked to send an email to the College Dean to complain, and demand he re-open negotiations; lecturers are forcing us to involuntarily join the dispute. Is this fair? I really don’t think so. I thought academics were better than this, and are capable of seeing that this isn’t very honest of them. Frankly, I’m very disappointed with the university at the moment.

Third year student Dear gair rhydd, My name is Linda Kent. I am an international student from the United States pursuing an MA in Forensic Linguistics here at Cardiff University. I am 50 years old. My views are my own, not my professors’.

I understand that the lecturers here have been locked out of proceedings that directly affect their lives. This is not an acceptable way to treat any employees at any time.

To force professors into striking is a particularly bizarre action. Be rational. The only reason to go in to any school is that the people who teach are in there.

I am studying at Cardiff because an American friend, also a teacher, recommended a professor here in the program. Indeed, all of my professors are knowledgeable, all are excellent teachers. I’ve been so pleased with my classes that I had urged my friend to seek her PhD here. She was ready to apply, but it seems that my friend is not interested in a university that slams the door on its professors, and I don’t feel I can recommend it at this point.

My professor has matched his reputation: his abundant knowledge, long experience, and love of teaching have made my academic reward far richer than it would have been in his absence. If you were running a business, he would be the first employee you’d force out. Am I correct in assuming that the staff are under pressure to run the university more like a business?

Consider the following. Back in the last century, there was a cry from many US politicians that "government should be run like a business". Businessmen testified before budget committees, and with rueful, wise, wry little smiles, they’d say: "If I ran my business like the US government I’d be out of business."

To which no one replied, “If government were run like a business, the sole purpose of government would be to turn a profit. You wouldn’t have voters; you’d have controlling

stockholders. Why not just turn it over to Bill Gates and be done with it?"

In the United States, the industrialization of every field of human endeavor followed a Richter Scalelike progression. It may have taken 10 years to consume its first professions, but it swallowed all the rest in the following 10 years. It is now busily digesting the government it had for dessert.

Everything is run like a business in the United States. The most experienced, the most qualified, the most talented professionals from every field are being squeezed out too costly - or are giving up their careers: they love their work but are no longer allowed to do what they do best. Nurses have no time to nurse: too many patients. Teachers can no longer teach: too many students. Social workers cannot help their clients: too big a caseload, too much paperwork. Lab technicians rush through their work, no time to double check: not enough technicians, too many tests. Doctors can’t prescribe and refer: their parent company is cutting costs. Benefits are cut and wages are stagnant.

Workloads are doubled: no one has time to prepare, to do a good job, or to follow up. Despite all these fine achievements, no one is better served and the economy is in a shambles.

Running everything like a business might sound like a good idea, but isn’t. Consider that in September 2001, US airport security was controlled by very profitable

businesses. Instead of treating, training and paying their employees like professionals, they treated them like short-order cooks in a fast food franchise. In return, America and the world got fast food security.

And there are moral considerations, or should be. Corporations now operate many US prisons. They have lobbyists in Washington to promote their bottom line interest: keeping their prisons full.

What we get from business is business. Caveat emptor.

Don’t listen to the ‘run the place more like a business’ advocates.

They are either naïve or venal. Get the professors back to the table and run the place like a university.

Sincerely, Linda Kent

We love rugby Dear gair rhydd, Having followed the fortunes of Cardiff University Rugby club closely this year I read with great interest gair rhydd, and in particular John Stanton's coverage of this year’s Varsity match. Your paper claimed, rightfully, that Cardiff failed to perform in the “showpiece event”. However, they were not the only ones. Stanton's critical back page article questions the structure of the club and claims that the First team’s season (winners of their league, undefeated in all but two games and one play-off

away from promotion) now teeters on the “brink of abject failure”.

Having, read the article I would be very interested to find out if Stanton, and indeed any gair rhydd sports reporter, has witnessed, for the full 80 minutes, any other Cardiff University rugby game this season other than the Varsity match. I found it amusing that such an overly critical report was written by a man who spends his Wednesday afternoons playing IMG football, rather than reporting on university sport.

Stanton however, is not alone in his inaccuracy. How much attention David Williams was paying to the game only he knows.

However, he was the only man in Bridgend to witness a full on 28man brawl in the incident which led to Rob Lawson's sending off, as opposed to the nine or 10 man pile up that everybody else saw.

Indeed, I'm no expert rugby panelist or outstanding player and my friends within the rugby club freely admit they under-performed against Swansea but one loss, in a game which technically, despite the mass hype, was only a friendly, does not ruin a good season. I suggest that if we are ever lucky enough to be treated to a John Stanton rugby report again he researches the rugby club season properly before returning to his beloved Accountancy FC and the dizzy heights of IMG football.

Lee Jones

Text 07791 165 837

Text vote, this week: Glastonbury Festival or Jools Holland at Ragley Hall?

Last week: noone voted ... rather like the elections Missing lectures is the new smoking.

Al McPherson for best student critic? What about Problem Page Matt?

Why cant summer from neighbours just drop dead from her heart condition.

Moody cow.

The saucy creation monkeys must die. Im assembling a crew for their demise. Any takers?

Esso sucks – personally we would rather have julia roberts do that! !

What’s with the fucking plastic? Don’t you care about the planet or the many students who want to save it? I’m disgusted!

Any one seen that artise mundi thing in the museum? Wot a pile of shit. If that’s art iv got art in my kitchen!

ENGLISH SOCIETY FC HAVE WON A GAME! HOWAY THE LADS! WELL DONE BOYOS WE DID IT!!!

Wanted-participants 4 anal fisting experiment. Travel costs covered from cathays. Must b open ‘minded’ and very ‘accomodating’ call 0796048 I’m textimi hair sized! (that’s gair rhydd in text) Its good to see black books got a mention. Its not good however that its

not on s4c and I cant get channel 4, and whens series 2 on dvd?

Sex lives of potato men, no no no no NO Please ignore text about sex last night Come on Argyle!

Southampton r exeter scum in disguise Fucks sake all you people jumping on the badger band wagon like its something new! The evil badgers have always owned you! Defeat the golden gay robots!

Why is there a pic of three people fellating a polar bear on page 10 of Quench?

I want pie! Give me pie! <BR>

Email your letters to: grletters@cf.ac.uk - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.

Taf-Od

Tud 16

15 Mawrth 2004

grtafod@cf.ac.uk

Uno i brotestio Cannoedd yn glanio ar y Cynulliad

Gan Olygydd Taf-Od Roedd hi’n oer, ac roedd y gwynt yn fain. Roedd hi’n rhewi dan draed a’r tymheredd wedi plymio i’r dyfnderoedd.

Ac roedd yna ddegau o fyfyrwyr Cymru yn treulio noson yn cysgu ar y llawr o flaen y Cynulliad!

Mae’n siwr nad oedd y Bae erioed wedi gweld y ffasiwn beth – y pafin y tu allan i’r adeilad wedi’i orchuddio efo protestwyr dan eu sachau cysgu, a llawer o fyfyrwyr Caerdydd yn eu plith.

Ond er mor afreal yr olygfa, roedd yr achos yn un difrifol dros ben. Roedd colegau Cymru i gyd wedi uno i gwyno am ddiffyg darpariaeth addysg drwy’r Gymraeg yn ein prifysgolion.

Dechreuodd y protestiadau nos Fawrth diwethaf wrth i Texas Radio Band, Ashokan a Ian Cottrell, ymhlith eraill, ddiddanu’r dorf fawr oedd wedi dod i’r Bae. A hynny er gwaetha’r oerfel a brathiad y gwynt.

Fe benderfynodd y rhai dewr dreulio’r nos honno ar garreg drws y Cynulliad, gyda’r sachau oren arbennig yn cynnig rhyw fath o amddiffyniad rhag y tywydd. Diolch i drugaredd, cadw draw ddaru’r glaw.

Y bore canlynol fe barhaodd y gwrthdystio gyda gorymdaith ar draws y Bae ac yna areithiau gan Simon Brooks, Elin Jones AC, Dafydd Iwan, Cynog Dafis ac Emyr Llywelyn.

Fe roddodd Catrin Dafydd, llywydd UMCA yn Aberystwyth a threfnydd y brotest, araith ysbrydoledig hefyd.

Pwrpas y brotest oedd dangos fod darpariaeth addysg drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg yn hollol annerbyniol yn y prifysgolion ar hyn o bryd. Hynny yw, prin iawn yw’r cyfleoedd i fyfyrwyr allu dewis astudio’u cyrsiau, neu ran

Dim golygfa o Faes-B ydi hon, ond o du allan y Cynulliad ar noson rynllyd ym mis Mawrth! o’u cyrsiau, drwy gyfrwng y Gymraeg.

Dim ond 0.3% o’r holl arian sy’n cael ei roi i brifysgolion Cymru gan y llywodraeth sy’n cael ei wario ar gyfer hyn. Nid yw Jane Davidson AC, y Gweinidog Addysg, yn fodlon cynyddu’r ffigwr ar hyn o bryd.

Gobaith y protestwyr oedd dod â hyn i lygad y cyhoedd a dangos pa mor warthus yw sefyllfa o’r fath. Maen nhw’n galw am sefydlu coleg ffederal trwy Gymru, gan y byddai hynny yn

sicrhau strwythur a fframwaith sefydlog ar gyfer darparu addysg drwy’r Gymraeg.

A be am y sefyllfa yma yng Nghaerdydd? Faint o siaradwyr Cymraeg sy’n gallu dewis astudio’u gradd yn eu mamiaith? Dylai’r peth fod yn hawl cynhenid, hyd yn oed os nad yw rhywun yn dymuno manteisio ar y cyfle hwnnw.

Rhaid cofio hefyd fod mwy o fyfyrwyr yn gallu siarad yr iaith yma yn y

brifddinas nag yn unman arall. Pam felly nad oes gan Gaerdydd Undeb Cymraeg fel yn Aberystwyth a Bangor, neu o leiaf Swyddog Sabathol i ofalu am y sefyllfa?

Mae’r brotest wedi llwyddo i godi cwestiynau pwysig dros ben. Ac mae hi’n bwysig hefyd nad ydi’r mater yn diflannu – er y byddai tywydd cynhesach yn siwr o gael croeso y tro nesa y bydd rhywun yn dewis gwneud ei wely mewn lle o’r fath!

Y swynwr o solfach yn serennu Adolygu gig Meic Stephens yn y Clwb Trydan, 5/3/04 Gan Owain Sion

Un lle sy’n prysur wneud enw iddo’i hun oddi fewn i gylch gigio Cymraeg bellach yw’r Clwb Trydan ym Montcanna.

Lle bach ond digon delfrydol sydd yn gosod awyrgylch gwych i gigs, yn enwedig pan fo athrylith cerddoriaeth Gymraeg ein cenedl yn brysur wrth ei waith. Clwb â theimlad cartrefol sy’n gosod awyrgylch gwych i’r swynwr o Solfach fynd trwy’i bethau.

Efallai fod hyn yn eitha anodd i’w goelio ond am unwaith – ac efallai am y tro cyntaf (a’r olaf?!) edrychai Meic Stevens fel petai yn sobor ac am unwaith eilyddwyd ei botel o win coch arferol am botel o ddwr!! Am droi dwr yn win efallai??!!

Cychwynodd ei set gyntaf o’r noson gan ganu’r clasuron i gyd! Wrth ddechrau â’r clasur Dic Penderyn gosododd y dechreuad perffaith i un o’r perfformiadau gorau a glywyd gan y Brawd Houdini.

Wedi iddo ganu’i glasuron megis Tryweryn, Yr Eryr a’r Golomen, Rue st Michel a Erwan a’r anfarwol Môr o Gariad, i gyfeiliant llais peraidd Heather Jones, i gyd cyn tua handi deg, anodd oedd meddwl sut y gallai Meic adeiladu ar hyn yn ei ail set o’r

noson.

Wedi seibiant o hanner awr i gael ei wynt ato (ac i gael ambell beint siwr braidd) daeth Meic yn ei ôl a’r botel o ddwr yn wir bellach wedi cael ei droi i’r gwin coch a welir yn arferol yn bartner llwyfan perffaith i Meic.

Os yn amau cynt beth oedd ganddo ar ôl i’w ganu, ni chawsom ein siomi o gwbl. Swynwyd y dorf gan ei lais unigryw a’i reolaeth anhygoel o’r gitar acwstig. Ei ddawn yn cael ei ddangos i’w lawn botensial yn ei berfformiad unigryw diweddaraf o Gwely Gwag a phan glywyd y cordiau cyntaf o’r gwych ‘Y Brawd Houdini’ deffrodd y lle a gwelwyd y cynnwrf mwyaf a welwyd yn y Clwb Trydan ers enillydd mwyaf y bingo wythnosol diwethaf!

Am y tro cyntaf yn y noson cododd pobl i ddawnsio gan lenwi’r llawr dawnsio bychan yn syth a’r "la-las" yn byddaru’r ffeinal o’r dominos yn yr ystafell drws nesaf. Roedd Meic bellach wrth ei fodd ac fel arfer yn mwynhau pob eiliad o’r gig heb son am ein mwynhad ni wrth wrando ar ei nodau hudol.

Piti oedd gweld y bar yn cau mor gynnar a thrist yn wir oedd clywed nodau cyntaf ein anthem gened-

Meic - ‘athrylith cerddoriaeth Gymraeg ein cenedl’ laethol gan sylweddoli fod y noson yn sydyn dirwyn i ben.

Wrth edrych yn ôl ar y noson, cytunai llawer a fynychodd y gig ein bod wedi gweld clasur o gig gan yr athrylith. Oedd hyn yn ddechrau cyfnod newydd yn ei yrfa? Gyrfa ag edrychiad mwy sobor iddi? Go brin!!

Yr hyn a welsom oedd Meic yn mwynhau bob eiliad o’i yrfa hirfaith a ninnau yn lwcus iawn i’w glywed ar ei orau. Edrychwn ymlaen yn arw rwan at y noson gig Gymraeg nesaf yn y Clwb Trydan i weld pwy fydd yn wir camu i fewn i ‘sgidiau enfawr Meic.

Hip-hopio Gan Ifan Rhys

Noswaith o hip hop yng Nghlwb y Toucan,a phwy gwell i ysgrifennu adolygiad o’r gig na bachgen o strydoedd peryglus Synod Inn yng Ngheredigion?

Na, alla i ddim a meddwl am unrhywun sy’n fwy priodol chwaith! Ond ta waeth, gig Abri Cymdeithas yr Iaith yn dathlu gwyl ein Nawddsant oedd yr achlysur arbennig.

Brave Captain, neu Martin Carr gynt o’r Boo Radleys, oedd y cyntaf i’r llwyfan.Yn syml hollol, roedd e’a’i gyfrifiadur yn cymysgu cerddoriaeth i’n diddanu. Digon hawdd oedd cymdeithasu ac anghofio fod rhywun ar y llwyfan, ond pan oedd y capten dewr yma yn cael gwrandawiad teg, digon hawdd hefyd oedd gwerthfawrogi’r meddwl a’r sgil oedd y tu ôl i’r gerddoriaeth.

Ond fel esboniwyd yn gynt, hip hop oedd yn denu’r mwyafrif o’r gynulleidfa amrywiol i’r Toucan. Lo Cut a Sleifar, un o fandiau hip hop newydd y sîn Gymraeg, oedd nesa. Heblaw am eu perfformiad ar sioe iDot fis diwethaf, hwn oedd gig cyntaf y ddau rapiwr.

Dechreuwyd y perfformaid yn gryf gyda chân yn cofio am Streic Fawr Chwarel y Penrhyn, ac roedd y ddau yn ymddangos yn gyfforddus ar y llwyfan. Yn fwy pwysig, roedd y ddeuawd yn ymddangos yn hyderus, rhywbeth sydd wedi bod yn absenol gan ambell i act rapio Cymraeg yn ddiweddar. Daeth hyder Sleifar, gynt o’r Tystion, allan yn ei eiriau i’r ail gân drwy alw ar y gynulleidfa i anghofio pob band hip hop Cymraeg sydd wedi bod o’r blaen gan fod Lo Cut a Sleifar yma i osod y safon! Diddorol.

DadlgreffyddaidatganfodDJLoCutaSleifar, DJ Monkey o Optimas Prime, yma i osod y safon hefyd. Roedd sgiliau crafu Monkey wedi creu sawl datganiad positif iawn ymysg y gynulleidfa; a rhoddodd hyn sylfaen gref i berfformiad Lo Cut a Sleifar. Er taw ond rhyw bum munud ar hugain y parhaodd y perfformiad, roedd hi’n ddigon hawdd gweld fod yr act hip hop newydd yma yn mynd i farcio’u stamp ar y sin Gymraeg.

Prif act y noswaith oedd Kidz with Toys.

Cafwyd sawl dadl ymysg y gynulleidfa ynglyn a ddylai’r band yma oedd yn rapio’n uniath Saesneg fod y brif act mewn gig Cymdeithas yr Iaith ar Ddydd Gwyl Dewi. Rhaid edrych ar yr ochr bositif o gael y Kidz yn chwarae; denwyd cynulleidfa na fyddai wedi breuddwydio mynd i gig Cymdeithas yr Iaith rhai blynyddoedd yn ôl, a’u cael nhw i wrando ar gerddoriaeth Cymraeg ar Ddydd Gwyl Dewi. Rhaid atal pobl rhag meddwl fod siarad Cymraeg a nosweithiau Cymraeg yn bethau elitaidd os ydym am gynyddu’r nifer o siaradwyr ac achub yr iaith.

Ond nôl at y gerddoriaeth â ni! Digon hawdd gweld pam mai Kidz with Toys, o Gaerdydd, oedd prif act y noswaith. Fel Lo Cut a Sleifar, roedd DJ dawnus iawn gan y Kidz, yn ogystal â gwr samplau a drymiwr. Rhoddwyd sawl cân oedd â churiadau pleserus i’r glust, yn ogystal â samplau a chymysgu oedd yn haeddu’r clod wrth y gynulleidfa. Gwych yw’r unig air i ddisgrifio’r re-mix o ‘Seven Nation Army’ gan y White Stripes a oedd yn gefndir i’r gân olaf.

Rapiwr Kidz withToys oedd yn cymryd y rhan fwyaf o fy sylw i. Ym mhob cân byddai pob brawddeg yn clymu i fynny gyda’r un nesaf yn berffaith; pleser llwyr oedd gwrando ar y rapio o safon uchel yma. Dyma oedd uchafbwynt y noswaith i fi a sawl aelod arall o’r gynulleidfa y siaradais i a nhw.

Daeth yr Abri i ben fel yr arfer gyda’r DJ Ian Cottrell a’i ddewis o ganeuon. Noswaith newydd, positif a boddhaus; neu biwt os mynnwch!

Media

March 15 2004

Page 17

Punch drunk voting grmedia@cf.ac.uk

Media plays a crucial role in winning election campaigns

By Amy Gorochowski Media Correspondent

L

ast week election fever officially hit Cardiff University.

Candidates for all positions popped up overnight with original campaign ideas. First year students were probably not expecting the elections to have such an impact. But chances are they will remember next year that March is the time for rollerblading Indians and Baywatch boys to invade our lectures, as well as masking tape invading the pavements.

Whether it’s a student executive role or elections to become Prime Minister or even US President, the media plays a vital role.

Most journalists will aim to report elections in a free and impartial manner. It must be remembered though, that many do not have the chance to do so, especially in some foreign countries.

In the UK there are strict regulations over the coverage of elections, with differences between newspapers and broadcasting. It is taken for granted now that a particular paper will support a particular party. There are no laws to say they can’t. An example can be seen by following the electoral preferences of The Sun. It supported Margaret Thatcher in her heyday but loathed John Major and his whimpering final years.

This prompted a switch to Tony Blair in the mid-90s, meaning that the staunchly pro-Tory paper was now supporting an increasingly-centrist Labour Party.

Broadcasters are not allowed to state

any preference when reporting for the television or radio. They are bound by the Representation of the People Act. As soon as campaigning is allowed to start, broadcasters have to keep a timed record of the amount of coverage given to each political party or candidate.

If this seems excessive it has been known for an agent from each political party to monitor both radio and television broadcasts in cities across the United Kingdom. Charts, pencils and stopwatches are all common aids in

could be argued they are. The richer the politician the more exposure they will receive giving them a greater chance of polling more votes.

The UK has its own political commercials called Party Political Broadcasts (PPB). This free airtime slot is open to all the parties in the election campaign. The number of broadcasts allowed to be aired depends on the size of the party and the number of candidates they are putting forward as opposed to the amount of airtime the

PRESCOTT: Elected despite having egg on his face keeping track over every moment of coverage. If an opponent receives more exposure broadcasters can expect plenty of complaints to be made.

In the United States, television and radio election coverage is based upon very different criteria. American politicians have to pay for their commercials in order to get their message across to voters. The word ‘commercial’ gives the impression that the politicians are a product, which it

party can buy (as is the case in the USA).

There is often a question over how the relationship between a politician and journalist should work. They both have a job to do and a connection needs to be built that will benefit them both, resulting in the respect for each other’s work. A journalist’s work however, can be very controversial. The International Federation of Journalists’ code of conduct states a number of criteria to

which a journalist should stick to.

Reporting factually, fairly, accurately and never accepting any inducement from a politician are all important rules.

Newspapers can often make embarrassing mistakes. In 1948, the Chicago Tribune declared in a front page headline, “Dewey Wins!" Dewey was the New York governor running for Presidency. This paper had relied upon an opinion poll only. These polls had revealed time after time that Dewey would win. He didn’t.

When we look in more general terms at the press during past elections, there are a few occasions they have considerably helped a political side get unintended exposure. Deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott, was victim of a thrown egg. He lashed out and thumped the egg-thrower. This event was seen as bringing life into the election campaign. The lunchtime news networks all around the country worked themselves into a frenzy with this story, as did the press the next morning.

Headlines for a couple days after the incident were wrapped around the image of the punched protester.

Prescott refused to apologise. In a Sky News poll, 60% of viewers said he had “done the right thing”. What more could Labour have asked for? A potential sticky situation brought a vast amount of exposure and positive feedback, potentially winning themselves many voters in the process.

There is more to election reporting than meets the eye. Journalists need to be free to report without fear of being approached by politicians, their parties, the public and even their own editors.

Finally, election reporting is

During elections, silence isn’t easy Catherine Gee on what can’t be said at election time

PHOTO: Kirsty Monaghan

E

lection time has just been and gone and you would have to be suffering from serious agoraphobia not to have noticed the mad campaigning that’s been going on.

With a mixture of people jumping in front of you wearing bedsheets and people doing Baywatch impressions before you start a lecture it’s been an interesting week.

What you may not have noticed is how little of the candidates is reported or commented on in gair rhydd or on Xpress. Most students don’t know there are strict rules in the university’s constitution governing what is allowed to be reported during the election.

The constitution decrees that the paper cannot name candidates or write about specific acts that may disadvantage the nominees before the election.

This is to prevent slandering campaigns which could unfairly harm another candidate’s chances.

Many of the candidates will have friends who edit or regularly contribute to either the paper or the radio station. Without these rules student media would be unnecessarily biased.

ELECTION: the paper couldn’t name runners when it was on

This makes student papers very different from their national counterparts, who can openly express a preference for a party. This also means student papers are free of the scandal that often comes with elections.

But then maybe one of the environmental officer nominees was spotted putting an aluminium can into an ordinary bin. Or an AU presidential candidate caught catching a bus to Talybont.

What if the wannabe Xpress station manager was a known Rik Waller fan?

Students do complain to the paper that there is not enough coverage and it could be argued they have a right to know what is going on.

On a more serious note some candidates have admitted in private that they were only running as they didn’t know what to do once they graduated, whilst another candidate got into a fight with a union bouncer during campaigning.

It could be argued the newspaper and radio station should report these stories, but this gets into a grey area of what is fact and what is opinion.

From a candidate’s point of view it would be demoralising for a writer or broadcaster to decide that they were

not worthy of the job and cost them the election.

On the other hand there is also the argument that if the candidates are that bad then students have a duty to know about it; nevertheless, the constitution forbids any reporting on this.

The easiest thing to do is stop gair rhydd and Xpress from reporting on it at all. So be aware that you cannot merely rely on these for all your news on who to vote for.

If you do want to know, the only answer is to read the manifestos and look how much experience they’ve got. It’s a pretty good indicator of how involved each one actually is and whether or not they’ve ever taken an interest in the university before.

Of course, now that the elections are over we are free to publish whatever we wish within reason as long as all allegations can be proved.

Maybe a candidate has been photographed in a compromising position with two dinner ladies and a rolling pin. Regardless of whether this would affect their chances of getting elected, you won’t read about it until after the election.

renowned for its early starts, long day and late nights. Not really the kind o job for a student.

KERRY: too busy to run for a sabbatical position

Media Muddle

Media always gets excited when a publication we’ve yet to sample arrives in our pigeonhole and Aberystwyth’s Courier was no exception. Sadly, this excitement lasted all of two minutes. You have to worry when they manage to make a magazine with the front page headline "Was Porn Filmed Here?" so boring.

Their standfirst reads "Free student magazine. Aren’t we good to you?"

We at Media would beg to differ and suggest a slow painful death would provide more excitement.

We’re not suggesting Apex is a little behind the times, but they’ve only just got round to reviewing Scary Movie 3. And Return Of The King. Next time you complain about the multiplexes not showing the latest releases in Cardiff just be thankful you don’t go to APU. Oxford Student’s entertainment section, Ox2, wins this weeks award for scariest front cover. The large grinning head of David Dickinson set to a bright yellow background has already made more than one member of the office very ill.

You’ve got to love the Warwick Boar’s leader on their front cover Asking the questions that matter, they answer the burning issue of whether a night out in Royal Leamington Spa is all it’s cracked up to be? We weren’t aware that there was any nightlife in Royal Leamington Spa.

Jobs & Money

March 15 2004

Page 19

gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Stressed out? Think again

make life in the Sometimes it’s the little things thatbe strangely excitcan ry ione Stat e. yabl enjo d real worl office means pens, ing, believe it or not. Working in an in unlimited supply. s note -it post pads, envelopes and nt spending your These are all items which you rese there for the takare they and on ey mon ed hard-earn freeloading mindset ing. Any freebie is a bonus. (This ent past.) stud my from ver is, of course, a lefto all advantage Money is obviously another not-so-sm people seem to t mos y oddl ough Alth job. a ng to havi n they were a stufind themselves worse off than whe’t care then? The didn they that dent. Or was it just the guilt-free feeling upshot of earning more money is anything else we and CDs es, cloth ng hasi purc when we’re entitled to it, amn godd and ing earn fancy. We’re r us up. chee to g ethin som spend our wages on weekends, but We may only be able to go out on thewe were getting n we appreciate it far more than whe livers are certainOur k. wee the of t nigh y trollied ever nces. There may ly healthier, as well as our bank bala us but men in ing ound not be 10,000 students surr eligible, moneyed of pool new le who a up r offe suits men to bump and grind with.

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h

By Steph Eagleton

We may have letters to type but we sit never have to do another essay orlive. we as long as for exam another have No more revision, ever! We may a set working hours but we can read it that ng feeli out with book hy tras ty should be one from the universi library on postmodernism. thought that the The best one by far, though, is the g able to lie in bein weekends are our own. The bliss at do it anyway, but and not feel guilty! I know students sense that we really we can do it without that nagging constructive than e mor g ethin should be doing som Enders omnibuswatching both the Hollyoaks and East or doing a partying stud of ad Inste . mas pyja es in our . If a friend time " "me ly pure are s time job, weekend in the Outer them visit to me calls me up and invites any planlves invo er Hebrides, I can just go. It no long get essays out of or s shift e rang rear to r orde ning in can be fully indulged the way. Suffering with a hangover t to be doing. ough we that because there’s nothing e. There’s no And therein lies the crucial differenc real world. A the in re you’ n whe to" ht "oug longer an a massive es mak that one but yes, e, small differenc appreitely defin ll you’ that one change to your life, and ciate when you exit student life. r

Postcards from the Real World

endure and what we should have to endure are getting further and further apart. Survival is not a day-to-day issue for most of us. We have the food and water necessary to live. Instead we need to channel our energies into something more than this. As a result we place more emphasis on finding a "perfect partner", acquiring material possessions and having successful careers.

In Victorian Britain there was no time to analyse emotions or deconstruct childhood memories to explore the root of their discontent. They were too busy living. Everything took longer. Monday was called washing day for a reason. People died of cholera and tuberculosis in droves.

Life expectancy was significantly lower. Then in 1914 the Great War caused the

ir

A

n epidemic is sweeping the nation. It is silent and strikes without warning. It will affect nearly all of us at some point in our lives. And the name of this modern affliction? Stress.

The notion of being stressed is a fairly modern invention. Like detox, the internet and celebs, stress is just another accepted part of 21st century life. The term "stressed out" has only come into common usage in the last 20 years, but already it is the fastest growing cause of absence from work.

Stress is estimated to cost companies in the UK £3.7 billion pounds a year and this figure is increasing. But why is it on the increase and does it really exist?

Surely our lives are less stressful

than ever before; we have endless appliances to make our lives easier, from washing machines to jar opening devices. Mobile phones, supermarkets, computers, and fast food outlets are all indicators of a level of comfort and ease which should indicate that our lives are more relaxed.

But the opposite appears to be true.

Perhaps in part it is due to our high expectations. If the washing machine breaks down or the boiler explodes it is "stressful" because we expect to have these conveniences on hand at all times. Doing without nowadays is an alien concept. The more appliances that come on to the market, the more our expectations rise, but this means there is more potential for things to malfunction, which causes stress.

Our perceptions of what we can

ga

By Nicola York

Fantasy Fiction Comes to Life at the Sherman

Eric Thursley, Demonologist, has finally done it! He's managed to summon a being from one of the many Dungeon Dimensions to do his bidding. All he wants is to be ruler of the world, to meet the most beautiful woman who ever lived, and to live forever - standard fare for a fourteen-year-old, really!

You could say it all started with the red-eyed tramp with the slimy fingers who put the wind up Neville the part-time barman. Or when Archroy's wife swapped his trusty Morris Minor for five magic beans while he was out at the rubber factory. On the other hand, you could say it all started a lot earlier. Like 450 years ago, when Borgias walked the earth.

ERIC

by Terry Pratchett

"One of the best adaptations of a Discworld novel I have ever seen..."

Discworld Monthly

Thurs 29 Apr 04 - 8pm Venue 2 Sat 1 May 04 - 8pm Venue 2 Tickets £10 Reductions £8

THE ANTIPOPE

by Robert Rankin Fri 30 Apr 04 - 8pm Venue 2 Sat 1 May 04 - 2pm Venue 2 Tickets £10 Reductions £8

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The Sherman, Senghennydd Road, Cardiff

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deaths of thousands of soldiers.

And yet we are experiencing an epidemic of stress?

It is shameful when you think about it.

According to academic David Wainwright, co-author of Work Stress: The Making of a Modern Epidemic, it is not that our lives have become more stressful, merely that our perceptions of what we can cope with have changed: “We live in a culture that constantly bombards us with the claim that the trials and tribulations of everyday life are likely to cause ‘emotional scarring’ or ‘psychological damage’.

"This inflation of the threat posed by everyday life is matched by a diminished sense of our capacity to cope.

"Taken together, these changes in Britain’s emotional script, if you like, lead us to believe that we are incapable of overcoming virtually any form of personal hardship."

Wainwright goes on to claim that we are encouraged to be stressed out.

In the last five years more than a million people have begun to claim benefits after stopping working for a living. The majority of these one million people are said to be suffering from ‘stress-related illness’.

The shift to this stress culture can also be blamed on the rise of individualism. Communal awareness is fading fast and certainly in the Western world, it is a case of every man for himself. The amount of emphasis placed on the self and our innermost thoughts and feelings is unhealthy.

We are encouraged to analyse if we are truly happy with our partners and careers. There is always a get-out clause and an avoidance of responsibility today. If you don’t like your job, then leave. If you are stressed out, then take something for it. If you are unhappy, then buying a new gadget will improve your life. If you are sick of your mundane life, then take out a loan and go travelling.

Every other person you meet has had counselling, been signed off work for stress or is on tranquilizers to de-stress themselves. Retailers have caught onto this fad and market bubble bath, spa treatments and homeopathic remedies which promise to "de-stress and unwind" you.

Marketisation and media hype simply heighten the idea that we are all too busy and important in our stressful modern lives. Actually, we have the highest life expectancy, the lowest percentage of deaths and the most comfortable lives out of any generation in history.

As stress specialist Angela Patmore aptly put it: “How can a few phones going off be more stressful than seeing the plague carts go past?”

The idea that stress is a modern affliction is nonsense. People have experienced stress for centuries, they just accepted it as a way of helping them to overcome adversity instead of making a fuss about it.

If you are feeling unduly stressed then take a good look at your life and see if it is really worth worrying about. If this fails, then you had better find out about those homeopathic remedies.

News in brief Naked ambition

An 18-year-old naked newsreader has been taken off air.

Chan Long is the first reporter to read news summaries while slowly undressing until she was naked.

But although it’s been taken off the adult channel it will still go on the internet.

So if you enjoy Chinese porn combined with the latest headlines then this is the site for you.

Fag ban lifted

Leeds University have scrapped a month-long smoking ban trial in all union venues after profits dropped by £26,000 in just under two weeks.

The results are surprising, especially as the ban only applied before 7pm.

The union, which runs five bars and three night-clubs, provides entertainment for around 33,000 students.

But students went to alternative venues where they could smoke. Some things will never change.

Million-air head

A US woman was arrested for trying to pay for groceries with a fake milliondollar note.

Staff at the Wal-Mart in Georgia called the police who found another two notes in her purse.

She handed over the note in order to pay for $1,670 dollars worth of items and then demanded change of $998,330 (about £547,000).

She claimed that she thought the notes were real and said they were a gift from her husband.

It could only be an American.

Money Talks “As a comedian, the only tip I ever received was when a punter shouted out from the darkness that I shouldn’t give up my day job.”

Dominic Holland

FACT FILE From 2006 the retirement age for new public sector workers will be increased from 60 to 65.

If you have any careers or money questions or just want to comment on this page, email gairrhydd@cf.ac.uk

Page 20

Page 21

grab!

“Dere’s more to Oireland dan dis.”

Alan Partridge

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Sleeping around (the clock)

Win a break in Dublin in the ultimate grab quiz

W I

went around a few lectures the other day and above are the disturbing scenes I witnessed. Students are falling asleep everywhere! It seems snoozing is the new… black. Is the cold weather finally taking its toll? Are the lectures getting more boring? Are our eyelids, sick of hearing about the AUT, striking themselves? Or are we all just partying a little too hard?

According to results published by Pro Plus ®, 80 per cent of students get only 5-8 hours of sleep a night, with 50 per cent going to bed between 12am and 2am. On top of that 57 per cent get up before 9am (the forbidden hours).

It’s no wonder that, according to my own intensive research, 86 per cent have fallen asleep in lectures. And that’s just the lecturers!

Pro Plus ® are here to give you a kick up the arse and help you get through that midafternoon lecture on Language in Business and Industry, help you write that coursework due

the next morning that you should have finished week ago, or prevent you from committing the cardinal sin: falling asleep in a pub or club.

After that heavy night of drinking, 47.5 per cent take caffeine to overcome a hangover (the rest, I presume, just drink more alcohol). Two tablets of Pro Plus ® contain 100mg of caffeine, which is the equivalent to a strong cup of coffee, and will really help to see you through and feel more awake.

To take your mind off studying, we’ve teamed up with Pro Plus ® to give you the chance of winning the ultimate 24-hour entertainment kit, which includes a PlayStation 2 game, a record bag and a camera. To win the loot, simply stay awake long enough to send us the answer to the following question:

How much caffeine do two Pro Plus tablets contain?

e at grab are so excited about the bumper issue that we’ve come up with the ultimate quiz to see if your knowledge matches that of our various section editors. How’s your sport? Are you up on your gay? How well do you know what’s going on in the media?

Here’s your chance to prove yourself.

This much trivia deserves quite a prize, so we’ve teamed up with Europe’s number one low fares airline, to offer two lucky winners the chance to escape to Dublin as soon as the semes-

Media 1. Who is the current editor of The Sun? 2. Which media baron did Orson Welles base Citizen Kane around?

ter’s over. That’s right folks, you’re just 35 questions away from the chance to win a trip for two, standard class, to the beautiful Irish city.

Ryanair has already carried over 75 million passengers,

has never been easier!

Dublin is a cosmopolitan, bustling city that literally buzzes with energy and excitement. The city is a great centre for culture, and you’ll be spoilt for choice with all the fine museums, art galleries and theatres. Dublin is also

across 16 European countries, on 146 routes. Ryanair started flying between Cardiff and Dublin in 1996, and it proved an instant hit with passengers. To date, 600,000 passengers have flown with Ryanair! Ryanair currently operates every day between Cardiff and Dublin, so getting to the Emerald Isle

home to a great literary tradition: its native sons include Shaw, Yeats, Wilde, Joyce and Beckett. 2004 will see Dublin celebrate the 100th anniversary of the action of James Joyce’s Ulysses. You can’t talk about Dublin without mentioning the architecture: walking around the city you’ll see everything from medieval and

4. What is the name of the New York Times journalist sacked for making up stories?

5. Who is next year’s Xpress station manager?

Film 6. Who plays Bill in Kill Bill?

This week’s winner is Amber Puxty, who studies Pharmacy at Cardiff Uni POST-MATCH ANALYSIS Last week’s answers and winners Your faithful grab! editor overlooked last week’s post-match analysis so here’s an update of the last two weeks.

FIRST GREAT WESTERN Answer: 50% Winners: De Dao, Emma Davies, Adele Fox, Geri Herdson and Chris Jenkins.

SCREAM IF YOU WANNA GET PLASTERED Answers: 1. The Shining, 2. Home Alone, 3. Scream, 4. Psycho, 5. High Fidelity, 6. Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King, 7. The Ring.

Winner: Dan Ross STARSKY AND HUTCH (1ST COMP) Answer: I Spy Winners: Gwimlyn Jones, Roger Faires, Jamie Denyer, Tim Ford, Dan Worth, Adam Brooks, Robert Rickaby, Richa Wahi, Craig Driver, Liz Johns.

All tickets are ready to be picked up from the gair rhydd office. Hurry, because the screening is on Tuesday March 16.

All winners will be contacted by email when their prizes are ready for collection.

Rodriguez’s hotel. Which numerical Steven Soderberg film do you have?

7. How many Oscars did Lord Of The Rings win?

8. Take the number of sins Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman had to solve and add the number of rooms in Tarantino and Robert

10. Which director is set to remake Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory?

11. Which English city are The Zutons from?

12. Big Boi is one half of which hip-hop duo?

13. Which Glasgow indie rockers had a hit with Run?

recently challenged Darwin's theory of sexual selection? (See Quench issue 8.)

15. What is the name of the UK's leading political activist group for gay rights?

17. Which evolutionary geneticist

9. What is ‘Rosebud’ in Citizen Kane?

Music

Gay

For your chance to fly high with grab just send your answers to the quiz below to the usual address. Don’t worry if you don’t get them all - if nobody does then the most correct answers will win the prize. Everyone who does get all answers correct though is guaranteed at least a CD album lucky dip from the box of random. That my friends is the extent of our generosity at grab. Saviour it.

Answers to the quiz, and all other competitions on this page, to grcompetitions@cf.ac.uk or into the Competitions pigeonhole.

16. What is the name of Cardiff's largest gay club?

3. Which company has just won the contract to supply news to Channel 5?

Livefree4aweek.net

Georgian architecture to more modern buildings.

Dublin is a shopper’s delight - you can buy anything from the latest fashion to arts and crafts. If you are looking for a gastronomic experience, Dublin boasts a vast array of restaurants serving haute cuisine to traditional pub grub menus. Of course, the city and the Black Stuff go hand in hand, and with around 1,000 pubs to choose from, you’re sure to find the perfect pint in Dublin! Why not check out www.visitdublin.com for further details on this vibrant city.

14. Whose current album is called A Crow Left Of The Murder?

Sport 18. Who has scored the most goals in the World Cup finals?

19. Who is the only woman to have beaten Venus Williams at Wimbledon who has never won the tournament herself?

the most international tries?

21. Which cricketer has bowled the fastest ball in test cricket?

22. Who is the current men’s 100 metre world champion?

23. What was the headline “Saturday Night Furore” all about?

24. How much does the ViceChancellor earn?

25. What did the university have to stop building because they didn’t have planning permission?

26. Name two of the things the

Y

ou are not James Bond. He charms every woman he meets with his ice cool persona and effervescent wit; your best chat-up line is ‘How do you take your eggs in the morning?’ He cruises around in his stylish Aston Martin, kitted with advanced weaponry; you’re lucky if your battered Mini Metro will start.

He’s mastered all the latest gadgets; you still can’t work the timer record on your VCR. He’s got a licence to kill; you have a licence to kill time.

But at least you can pretend. So become James Bond in the comfort of your own living room with Everything Or Nothing, the latest Bond outing from EA Games that puts you in the smooth Irishman’s shoes in the most realistic and explosive Bond gaming experience yet.

Everything Or Nothing is the most extensive Bond game ever created, combining nonstop, Hollywood-style action and more than

Arts 28. Who won the Turner Prize this year?

25 single-player missions. Every Bond moment is played out in an all-new third-person cinematic perspective. Think like him, act like him, use espionage, tactical skills, and Q-Lab gadgets! Dammit, you can even play with a dry martini in hand (cheap lager from your local off-licence works too, just don’t ask for it shaken).

Everything Or Nothing also features an all star cast assembled exclusively for the game Pierce Brosnan is James Bond, while Willem Dafoe plays Bond’s new nemesis, Nikolai Diavolo. John Cleese and Judi Dench also return as Q and M respectively.

What’s more, veteran Bond screenwriter Bruce Feirstein (Goldeneye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World Is Not Enough) delivers an original script just for the game. If you ever dreamed of being Bond, now’s your chance! With this game you become Bond… live the movie adventure.

For you chance to win a copy of the game simply answer the following question: Who plays James Bond’s nemesis in Everything Or Nothing?

31. Where is Chapter Arts Centre?

32. Who wrote the play Ghost City?

29. What was the winner wearing at the Turner Prize ceremony?

30. Who is exhibiting at the Martin Tinney gallery from March 24 to April 10?

20. Which rugby player has scored

News

Win everything... or nothing

news team used to define what it is to be Welsh.

27. Which university was recently considering whether they should disaffiliate from the NUS?

grab!

33. Sir Alan of Partridge has featured on this page a number of times. But what is the name of his (fictitious) autobiography?

34. Which former Winner of the Week not only cheated at Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, but also cheated his way through an insurance claim?

35. Has this quiz been worth your while?

News

Page 22

MARCH 15 2004

grnews@cardiff.ac.uk

Natasha’s got news for you Lucky Louis Grover talks news with BBC Breakfast show presenter, Natasha Kaplinsky

N

atasha Kaplinsky, now a familiar face as one of the BBC breakfast-news team, was a natural for the job. The sought-after newsreader was already hot property when she entered the presenting world.

Initially scooped up by Meridian News and shortly after by London Tonight, Natasha later established herself as a top news presenter at Sky News, before finally arriving at the BBC. "I am so pleased to have had that career-path as each job equipped me with more skills. The Sky experience taught me how to handle breaking news – an invaluable lesson.”

But it seems that lesson learning was not the only thought on Natasha’s mind while a student at Oxford University. "I always had very good intentions but there was so much to do that I'm afraid I got rather distracted. I would have to pay for procrastinating throughout the week with a last minute essay panic the night before a tutorial.”

In the public eye, Natasha has enjoyed doing the celebrity rounds, presenting numerous holiday shows in the sun and an appearance on Have I Got News For You? which she describes as one of the most terrifying things she has ever done. “I still don’t know why I agreed to do it, Paul and Ian are so quick and very funny. I am pleased to have been on the show but I don’t think I’ll do it again.”

On the presenter chair Natasha holds her own and was totally unfazed by her first day behind the camera on Meridian News. "I was paired with Fred Dinenage, he’s the most lovely man and made me feel totally safe. I really enjoyed it.”

Natasha is currently feeling right at home in her job with the BBC –“the whole breakfast team are fantastic” – but being a breakfast presenter certainly has its drawbacks. “I’m very tired! I get up at 3.20am every morning and am in bed at 8pm. I don’t have much of a social life but I enjoy the job so much that I don’t mind making the sacrifices.”

With her precious spare time Natasha likes to see friends, go to the cinema or the gym and of course sleep – when she can. But that nagging in the back of her head of being at the desk by 4am, meetings and makeup and then in the studio by 6am has led her to drastic measures. "The trick is to never look at your watch. In fact I’ve stopped wearing mine – it’s too depressing!" Presenting news to the nation puts any individual under tremendous strain. Despite an eight hour day at the studio Natasha can never be too prepared, taking time to study the headlines while watching the early evening BBC, ITV and the Sky News before bed.

“The trick is to never look at your watch.

In fact I’ve stopped wearing mine – it’s too depressing!”

“Arguably the biggest challenge for any presenter is breaking news.

Though my first breaking story was probably my biggest challenge, in reality they are relatively easy to deliver because it tells itself." Natasha states that it’s more often the planned interviews which are expected to go smoothly which can be problematic, as “sometimes for various reasons they don’t go to plan."

Being a BBC presenter puts you in the spot light when dramatic events grip not only the nation, but the world with sheer disbelief. Natasha stresses the importance of the journalists’ principles at such times. "Occasionally stories come along that shock everybody, but the job of the journalist is to

Natasha with co-presenter Dermot

tell the story straight, to be impartial and report the facts without emotion.

It’s the job of a journalist to be impartial. If you aren’t you’re in the wrong job.”

Despite the early starts Natasha remains focused and sees her future with the BBC: “I would love to stay here, it’s a fantastic place to work and is arguably the best broadcasting organisation in the world.” From where I’m sitting her job appears secure, working wonders as one of the popular faces behind the BBC News, receiving lots of fan mail – which she replies to personally – and currently second behind Carolynne Good, on an online voting website, as the sexiest women on British television. “Really?

I’m afraid I don’t even know who she is!”

News presenting has restricted the opportunity for Natasha to experience and see events in the flesh as they develop and are reported back to the studio. Being one of the familiar faces for the BBC’s breakfast-news has its responsibilities, with millions of viewers hanging on the presenter’s lips.

However, recently Natasha has been approached to be a patron of a charity by the Merlin British medical aid charity for the Republic of Congo. “I am going out to the Republic of Congo in three weeks to get a better understanding of what’s expected of me.” A position that will no doubt require plenty of out of office work, so Natasha’s standard seven hours sleep look set to be slashed even further.

NATASHA KAPLINSKY

Television

March 15 2004

Page 23

explodingnose@newsdesk.gairrhydd.org

Your essential guide to this week’s TV March 15-21

NYC you later!

Sex And The City finally climaxes with its last ever episode

HOT Pieces Of April It’s a bit of a faux pas to be telling you to go and see a film when you should be indoors watching TV, but none come more recommended than this. Making waves with a lo-fi edge, dark humour and Jack from Will & Grace. A quiet riot.

SOAPS “Gash Ferreira”, more like.

Anyone watching EastEnders (Mon and Fri 8pm, Tues and Thurs 7.30pm) at the moment will no doubt be repulsed at the actions of Ash. He’s been all pro-active about the return of Tariq to the Ferreira household and has been spending too much time with cockney-a-hoop slag-wagon Vicky, climaxing prematurely during a game of strip poker.

He’s always feeling the big fist of legalised gambling approaching his metaphorical anus once more, and this week finally caves in and blows his wad. All this despite being easily the most boring character the show has ever produced.

Don’t people realise that reformed gambling-addict intellectuals (he reads Thomas Hardy! He must be!) don’t bed-jump and get funky with short haired wenches from the United States of Walford?

Well my little creatures of the night, TV Andy is here with two delightful choices for this week’s telly viewing. First up is another recommendation for Black Books (C4, 10pm Thursday) which still looks like the funniest thing to hit C4 since Garth Marenghi.

This week sees the literary reprobates Bernard and Manny embracing International Children’s Book Week with Manny reading kids stories dressed as a worm and Bernard masterminding a new dastardly plan: writing a best-selling children’s novel.

The pair decide that kids like any old rubbish, so set about creating their own answer to Harry Potter. Unfortunately they choose the Stalinist purges as subject matter for their kiddie masterpiece. It’ll all end in tears, believe you me...

Saturday however sees more dubious TV as Stars In Their Eyes: Kids (ITV1, 6.10pm) sees our little ones tarted up and belting their hearts out. Hopefully there’ll be no renditions of Like A Virgin, Cigarettes And Alcohol or Too Drunk To Fuck by Avenue D... Rumours that Gary Glitter and Jonathan King were up as judges have been politely dismissed by the show’s producers as we went to press.

My pick for Friday has to be Sex And The City, which comes (boom boom) in two parts. The first (S4C, 10.45pm/C4, 10.30pm) is the last episode... e v e r ?

Suspicions about a film are plentiful, but I suspect unlikely if tonight’s final episode is anything to go by. It seems that all the loose ends (and minges, perhaps) are tightened up so that it will conclude if not happily then at least neatly. It took me a while to become a fan of SATC, mainly because I found Carrie’s musings not raw enough, especially when paralleled with Samantha’s nymphomaniac’s confessions and Miranda’s outrage about orifices (you know the episode I mean).

But, although Carrie is essentially a cloying and boring character, I began to watch it every week. I suppose that’s the beauty of the series: every-

one thinks they are like a particular character.

Anyway, it’s a shame to lose it, because any programme that talks freely about vibrators, oral sex, rimming and threesomes gets my vote.

And, as a youth, it certainly gave me ideas. Pity there wasn’t one about fisting, eh. Anyway, this last episode resolves all the turmoil which has come with the more serious storylines of this series. So it’s a must-see, really.

The second part (S4C, 11.50pm/C4, 9.30pm) is the rather nauseating ‘farewell’, which includes interviews with cast, crew and ‘best bits’. This could be a compilation which is made up of dry, congratualtory and bland remarks. It could be genuinely insightful, but frankly the point of SATC is that it isn’t reality. A post mortem isn’t really necessary, is it?

Especially when you know SJP will just pout and pretend she’s nothing like Carrie. Get her.

Hello. Last but not least it’s me, TV John who has spent so long trying to find a hilarious picture for Little Hard Man (C4, 3.35am Monday) to make you snigger in a “oh what’s that going on there... oh I see... urgh!” kind of way, that I’ve ended up in here at 1am and having to listen to Definitely Maybe! So please watch it, it’s a documentary about a little boy who leaves school or something.

Please?

SATELLITE/CABLE/DIGITAL VIDEOS TO RENT/BUY This week, satellite goes down like a shit baguette.

Manic Procession...

Digital channels tend to be receptacles for repeats, sci-fi and late starts (mentioning no names, BBC3 and Sky One). So my main recommendations for this week are repeats. Footballers’ Wives (Tuesday, 10.30pm, ITV2) and Sex and the City (Monday, 10pm, E4) are at least useful should you have been out on the piss or just pissed the first time round. Other strange repeats are not necessary or at all liked

by TV Desk, eg Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. Probably the most unnecessary and unwanted repeat ever. Oh well, at least there is marrowbone in this selection of TV tripe: Celebrities Exposed (ITV2, 9pm) talks about celebrities who have got a bit plastic happy, and Nip/Tuck examines the same thing. And the usual fillers such as Club Reps are good for making you realise how fortunate you are, and how STDfree...

Probably TV John’s favourite band at the moment, The Black Heart Procession explore the majestic territory between Nick Cave, Calexico and Mogwai on their new album, In The Fishtank 11. But before you think “Oh yeah, the TV writers always just go on about music the whole time” and this is just contaminating the Videos To Rent/Buy section, then don’t waste your breath, because the band have made a DVD. Titled Tropics Of Love, it’s been given a surprisingly wide distribution given its independent roots.

It’s effectively an accompaniment to their fourth album (Amore Del Tropico), a tropical murder mystery concept album full of recurring themes, moonlit landscape and crimes of passion. Even without the music, the promise of David Lynch meets Out Of Sight is well worth finding on www.blackheartprocession.com Only with mariachi moustaches and horseheads.

NOT

Daily Mail Now I know that it’s an obvious target - but this week the Daily Mail were up in arms about the lack of punishment from the ITV over John Lydon saying ‘cunt’ on TV. People don’t give a flying donkey shit about swearing anymore so fuck off and stop moaning, you cunts.

SPORT Sporting highlight of the week is undoubtly England vs Wales in the Six Nations. After Ireland’s humiliation of the world champions will England be fired up? Or will the Welsh finally get the better of them? I saw that the Welsh don’t have a chance but what do I know...

FILMS You really should know by now that any mention of David Lynch gets TV Desk salivating, and as luck would have it his 1990 classic Wild At Heart (Sky One Wednesday 10pm) is right here!

This week! It’s great! Notable for many reasons, such as the inclusion of Wicked Game by Chris Isaak. And loads of weirdness.

RADIO SXSW FKNG A! BBC Radio 2 reinforces its claim as the best station on the airwaves with coverage on Thursday and Friday from the legendary South By South West music festival in Austin, Texas (home of the mighty ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead and Explosions In The Sky, fact fans).

Stuart Maconie and Bob Harris man the helm while live sessions are promised from Little Richard, Joss Stone, Josh Rouse and Athlete.

Elsewhere, my namesake Andy Parsons continues with his satirical sketch series Parsons and Naylor’s Pull Out Section (Radio 2, Thursday 11pm) trawling the weekend supplements with Henry Naylor for news, gossip and reviews. Picked mainly due to the joys of printing my name in the paper one more time I have heard it is actually quite good...

Monday

Today in your Union

Page 24

March 15-21 2004

jasonmolina@legend.com

FUN FACTORY THE FREE STYLERS LIVE AND ANDY C Solus 10pm – 2am Free entry all night (NUS) Free stylers' sound is exactly as their name suggests: a heady blend of brash, hip-hopinspired grooves resulting in a hypersonic amalgamation that knows no barriers. Though breakbeats lay the foundation for their music, anything can enter the mix: drum & bass, dancehall vocals, house rhythms, electro and hip-hop. Flitting between the grooves of dance, reggae and hip-hop styles, Free stylers craft a raw yet infectious aural melting pot that shakes dance floors and headphones around the globe.

Mangled Monday: Reef £1.50 all night

Re:Covered BBC3 7.15pm

Around Scotland BBC2 12.10pm

The Sleepover Club

Hard Little Man

ITV1 4.30pm

C4 3.35am

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.00 Hot Houses 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 16.20 Rugrats 16.35 BAMZOOKi 16.45 Cavegirl 17.00 Blue Peter With Mothering Sunday this weekend, Liz travels to Holland to the biggest flower market in Europe.

Without her mother.

17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Mal implores Karl to tell Susan the truth.

Audrey is involved in an accident. Further proof that I’ve lost it with Neighbours. Audrey who?

Has Mal still got his floppy Breakfast Club hair?

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Holiday 2004 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Ground Force 21.00 Your Life in Their Hands Documentary about infertility caused by genital massage.

22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Hollywood Greats: Richard Harris Oh, he only died about six months ago.

23.15 FILM: Boiling Point *** 00.45 FILM: Orca... Killer Whale ** 02.15 Sign Zone: Walking with Dinosaurs 02.45 Sign Zone: Black Ambition 03.15 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Legacy of the Silver Shadow 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Little Red Tractor 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 The Phil Silvers Show 10.50 Look and Read 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 English Express 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 FILM: Doctor in the House *** 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 Art Crime: The Hairdresser's Tomb 19.50 Ancient Voices: Empire of Death Documentary narracted by Christopher Lee, an “ancient voice” if ever I heard one, about some group of Africans or other who committed mass suicide.

20.00 Terry Jones' Medieval Lives: The Philosopher .

20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With guntotin’ lunatic Asher D, from So Solid Crew. Who were they again?

21.30 The Catherine Tate Show 22.00 Nighty Night Looks hilarious. Expect more recommendations next week.

22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Fighting the War: Who Killed Marine Maddison?.

00.00 Al Sharpton - Profile 00.30 Ancient Voices

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 Hey Arnold! 16.30 The Sleepover Club With Michael Jackson.

17.00 You've Been Framed!

18.00 17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.30 ITV Evening News; Regional News 19.00 Emmerdale Not content with one man, Val flirts with danger by trying to bag a second. I tend to find the back door of the mortuary is the best place to “bag” a second partner Val, go check it out love.

19.30 Coronation Street Tracy lands Steve in a compromising position.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 Life Begins 22.00 The Ferret 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Geoff Global's Global Probe Ultra-shite sounding “comedy” program that appears from all descriptions to be a poor man’s Glam Metal Detectives. If anyone apart from my 1996-fixated self remembers that. 23.30 The Premiership on Monday 00.30 24 Hour Quiz 00.55 Champions League Weekly 01.20 Football League Extra 02.00 Today with Des and Mel 02.50 I Want That House 03.15 Grounded for Life 03.40 Entertainment Now! 04.05 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 04.30 ITV Nightscreen

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ari Awyren 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Tecwyn y Tractor 13.15 Time Team 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Medabots 16.30 Planed Plant: Paaw 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm This week: press-ups for ducks.

18.30 Rownd a Rownd Kay finds it difficult to buy cigarettes. Kelvin manages to cement himself into a corner. Ridiculous!

19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion News.

20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Ffermio Weekly 21.00 Cefn Gwlad 21.30 Sgorio 22.30 Faking It: Football Manager Chess player Maximillian Devereux who becomes manager of Brentford FC for a while. Which begs numerous questions, such as “why would the fans of Brentford FC let someone faking it control their football club? Surely they take it more seriously than that?

Are they desperate?”

23.30 Without a Trace 00.30 Kingpin 01.30 Will and Grace 01.55 Without Prejudice? 02.55 Football: South American Championship 04.00 Ysgolion Directed by Phil Joanou. ** Wow, a Welsh film! Or am I just speculating because I’m presented with a word I don’t understand? It could be Greek for all I know. Forget it, who’ll be watching at this time?

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: Perry Mason: The Case of the All-Star Assassin ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Sean struggles with his lust for Brendan. Judo-orientated fnarr ahoy!

19.00 five news 19.30 Demolition Squad: Liverpool Starting with the docks, and climaxing with the Cavern Club, this documentary follows an elite team as they bulldoze the entire city and residents, and STILL find that someone’s hotwired their machines and nicked them. Ho ho ho.

20.00 Fight For Baghdad 21.00 FILM: Legionnaire ** With Jean Claude Van Damme, who’s apparently running for mayor of Idaho next year.

22.55 Paradise Hotel 00.00 Real Sex 00.50 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kickboxing 01.40 US PGA Golf: Honda Championship 02.30 2003 Korean Formula 3 Super Prix 03.20 Motorsport Mundial 03.45 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.30 Argentinian Football I’m feeling monumentally uninspired. My jaw aches, my brain can’t function. I blame the medication.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Wyclef Jean Re:covered Wyclef Jean performs Bob Dylan's Knockin' On Heaven's Door and his own Two Wrongs.

Where’s Perfect Gentleman when you need it? Now THAT was great. None of this airy-fairy Bob Dylan faff. And who can honestly say they’ve ever heard Two Wrongs?!

19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebdaq 21.00 Who Rules the Roost 22.00 EastEnders Ash stands up for Vicki. Filthy fucker.

22.30 Nighty Night 23.00 Cyderdelic 23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 New Tycoons 01.00 Three's a Crowd 01.30 Liquid Assets: Madonna's Millions Mostly spent on employing top-rate producers to hide her inability to sing.

However, now that shoddy corblimey-guv gangster films are out and Sean Penn is in, I wonder how Maddy feels? 02.00 Celebdaq

09.25 Emmerdale 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.10 Judge Judy 12.25 Coronation Street 12.55 Emmerdale 13.25 Emmerdale 13.55 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Will Young... In the Studio “In the thtudio” more like.

18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 18.30 Champions League 19.00 World Rally Championship 20.00 World Rally Championship 20.30 House of Horrors 21.00 Celebrities Exposed: Plastic Perfection 22.00 It's Good to Be...

Christina Aguilera, in the same way I expect it’s good to be any other glorified, oily strip-o-gram.

22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 Celebrities Exposed: Plastic Perfection 01.00 Jerry Springer 01.40 Late Show with David Letterman 02.30 Teleshopping 03.30 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: For Love of Olivia ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 21.00 Britain's Hardest 22.00 The Premiership's Greatest...

23.00 Mile High Things turn serious as Lehann is accused of drug smuggling and Poppy notices a crack in the plane door - but is ignored. I’m confused. Is this supposed to be a Footballers’ Wives farce, or an ER-style depiction of seriousness?

00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 ER 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 The Amazing Race

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine?

19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 22.00 Sex and the City 22.40 The OC Apparently The OC is the latest hip US drama to hit our shores. Standing for Orange Country, it profiles a load of rich students dossing about in Florida and presumably shagging each other. It’s clearly hip because Jo Whiley was talking about it the other day. And you know if she’s involved, there’s a bandwagon to be jumping on. So don’t miss out. I, meanwhile, will be elsewhere...

23.40 Hollyoaks 00.10 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 01.00 Sex and the City 01.40 The OC 02.30 Trigger Happy USA 02.55 My New Best Friend 03.20 Five Go Dating

06.00 Party Animals 08.30 Cheers. 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Hot Wired. 9.55 The Write Stuff.

10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 Tartan Jam. 10.55 Jack and the Beanstalk. 11.10 Citizen Power? 11.35 What's this Channel 4? 12.30 Frasier 13.00 FILM: Sahara Directed by Zoltan Korda. ***** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 My Place in the Sun 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.55 The Power Behind: The Dance 20.00 Salvage Squad 21.00 The Truth About Killing 22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 FILM: Heaven's Prisoners ** 01.30 Rush Documentary about the Canadian hair metallers. Not. 03.10 Flood Short 03.30 A Child's World: 03.55 Hard Little Man 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Improving City Schools. 4.25 Rat-A-Tat-Tat. 4.30 Star Maths.

4.40 Making It. 4.45 Sarah & the Whammi. 5.00 Tienda de Luis. 5.15 Croatia. 5.30 Animated Tales. 5.45 Amy

Tuesday

March 15-21 2004

Page 25

sweaty@thisoffice.com

Dog Squad BBC1 11.30pm

E4 5.30pm

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 Out There 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Bill and Ben 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.25 The Phil Silvers Show 10.50 Pod's Mission 11.05 Look and Read 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Delia's How to Cook, Part 2 14.00 am.pm 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 homeground: George Reynolds: Playing By His Own Rules 19.30 Bee in Your Bonnet: Getting The Hump A programme about my poor attempts to control my anger? Or my ability to get irate at the smallest thing, eg somebody leaving a mug in the cupboard with the handle turned the wrong way?

Brilliant!

20.00 Living the Dream Somebody writes TV for me whilst I chime in with ‘witty’ quips and get massaged by James Lance’s todger...

21.00 One Year On: Iraq - A Newsnight Special 22.00 The National Trust 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Fighting the War: Missile Attack 00.00 BBC Four on BBC Two: Scottsboro: Storyville 01.30 Yehudi Gordon

Dr Phil

Rolie Polie Olie

Sky One 6am

five 8.30am

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Boohbah 15.45 The Angry Beavers 16.00 Bernard's Watch 16.15 Tutenstein 16.45 SpongeBob SquarePants 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.15 24 Hour Quiz Three 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Chloe pushes her relationship with Syd to breaking point - and brands him a wifebeater.

A good way to get attnetion but not to curb his Stella problem, I suspect.

Bob closes in on Dawn's guilty secret, but she insists that she was only removing the giblets from the turkey. Val plays Danny off against Rodney.

Or should that be ‘pulls off in front of’?

19.30 Airline Bag of shite.

20.00 Celebrity Fit Club I don’t usually watch this, but a while ago I saw one when Vanessa Feltz was going all girl-power on Freddie Starr. It was not a pleasant sight, and reminded me how far Vanessa’s fallen since that quote game show she used to do.

21.00 Pride of Britain Awards 2004 Shitters getting praised.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 24 Hour Quiz 23.30 Soccer Special 00.30 World Rally Championship 01.00 FILM: Gold*** 03.00 Football League

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 The Morning Line: Cheltenham Festival 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Rala Rwdins 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Y Brodyr Coala 13.00 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival 16.10 Planed Plant: FTPD 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm Oh for fuck’s sake S4C, why do you insist on denying people of good Channel 4 programmes and just filter the shit through?

Example: you could have put Hollyoaks in ths slot.

And why the fuck is Black Books on on Friday evenings? Are Welsh people usually so impractical? (Dual ethnic heritage of being Welsh/English means I’m allowed to say that sort of thing.)

18.30 Darn o Dir and drat!

19.00 Wedi 7 A week in Wales.

Sheep-napping, daffodil disputes and people trying to shag Aneurin Bevan’s statue then.

19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Taro 9 21.00 Cwmni Drwg: Alistair Steadman 21.30 Grand Designs 22.30 The Property Chain 23.30 The Carrot or the Stick?

I recommended this a while ago but haven’t seen it, mainly because I avoid S4C for fear of seeing programmes about various depravity in and about Wrexham. No one wants to be reminded of their roots.

00.30 NYPD Blue 01.25 Cheltenham Festival Highlights

COMEDY CLUB Wine £6 Bottle

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Love on the Edge ** 17.30 five news 18.00 18.00 Home and Away Sally gets pre-wedding nerves and Flynn has to calm Jesse down while Alf rehearses his speech.

Woah, woah, hold on, that’s so many threads I’m confused. It’s almost like 24 at Summer Bay nowadays.

18.30 Family Affairs Yasmin's suspicions increase when she learns of Geri and Cameron's split. But it was hard for them to stick together when he was in Orkney and she was twatting about in LA, possibly shagging that scamp of a dog she carries round with her. Oh god, I’m like, so 2003.

19.00 five news 19.30 High Adventure: Kilimanjaro 20.00 Fight For Baghdad 21.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 21.55 Law and Order: Criminal Intent 22.55 The FBI Files 23.55 La Femme Nikita 00.45 NCAA Basketball 02.45 X-Terra 03.35 2004 Winter X Games 04.30 Dutch Football: RKC Waalwijk v Ajax

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 16.20 Spook Squad 16.45 The Cramp Twins 16.55 Feather Boy 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Stuart considers a career in the police force, because his previous incarnations as soldier, mechanic and farmer aren’t broad enough for him. Mal announces his intention to sell the Hoyland house. And since when did he own this? Oh yes, at the time of the supposed ‘Cuppa Diem’ takeover coup... I wonder if that shows I’ve got a really good memory or if I’m just sad.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Janine comes between Paul and Natalie. Oh, these things don’t write themselves you know. But it is strange: Natalie is a midget and Janine is a bit of a boar. Bestiality and ‘special tastes’ there. Well done Paul.

20.00 Holby City 21.00 Hustle 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 Dog Squad 00.05 FILM: The Mean Season *** 02.05 Sign Zone: Private Life of a Masterpiece 02.55 Sign Zone: Big Cat Week

Less Than Perfect

GAMES ROOM 19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Ronan Keating Re:covered Ronan Keating sings Van Morrison's Brown Eyed Girl and his own If Tomorrow Never Comes. Hmm, he’d just need to sing My Heart Will Go On for me to really hate him.

19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebdaq Weird.

21.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 21.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 22.00 EastEnders Andy upsets Kat. Doesn’t he offer her money for sex, aka Indecent Proposal?

If so, why is that so upsetting?

And Ash struggles with his demons, or rather, grapples with Vicki again. Yeuch.

22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Swiss Toni 23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.30 New Tycoons 01.00 Three's a Crowd 01.30 Liquid Assets: Madonna's Millions 02.00 Celebdaq 02.30 Live at Johnny's 03.00 SAS Survival Secrets 03.30 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Ask a Silly Question ‘What does anal sex feel like?’ seems to be a very common one in gair rhydd. And normally brings about speedy silence, as no one wants to admit and certain people do not want to deny they’ve been done up the wrong one. Or maybe I have an anal fixation (possible). PS I am TV John.

18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Will Young... In the Studio 20.00 Tradesmen from Hell 21.00 The Impressionable Jon Culshaw 21.30 2DTV 22.00 Starsky and Hutch: The Premiere 22.30 Footballers' Wives From last week.

23.30 Club Reps Uncut 00.30 The Frank Skinner Show 01.05 Jerry Springer 01.45 Late Show with David Letterman 02.35 Teleshopping 03.35 ITV2 Nightscreen

06.00 Dr Phil Who is Dr Phil and what does he do? Does he host phone-ins from business men who have decided they suffer from elephantitis and can’t go to work? 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: The Boys of Sunset Ridge ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons Special show with Troy McClure.

19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 Angel 22.00 Nip/Tuck 23.00 Porno Valley 23.30 Scrubs A dying patient expresses a wish to lose her virginity, so Carla and Elliot try to find someone suitable. Hot lesbian threesome ahoy! 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 ER 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 American Sex is probably bad..

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends A video of an old prom night shows a side of Ross that Rachel finds hard to resist. Which one’s that? The back of his head?

17.30 Less Than Perfect These listings. I do apologise, but am too tired/ill/lethargic to be funny. I feel like a pig shat in my head and am feeling sexually aggressive. Watch out TV John!

(Joke to all parts except pig bit).

18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine?

19.00 Perfect Match USA. 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.05 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 22.35 Smack the Pony 23.10 More Sex Tips for Girls Give lots of head.

23.40 Friends 00.10 Hollyoaks 00.40 A Wife for William 01.40 Eurotrash 02.10 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 02.35 Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights 03.05 Smack the Pony 03.20 Five Go Dating

As S4C, except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 06.05 The Trap Door 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Hot Wired. 9.55 The Write Stuff.

10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 Tartan Jam. 10.55 Jack and the Beanstalk. 11.10 Citizen Power. 11.35 What's This Channel 4? I don’t know - I usually go by the moniker of TV Holly. 12.30 Beat the Nation 16.30 Making Space Some curly-haired (sign of genetic flaws you know) bint looks at how to hire skips - then fill them. 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 The Power Behind: The Art 20.00 The Property Chain 21.00 Brat Camp 22.00 No Angels Shit.

23.05 Shameless 00.05 Eurotrash 00.40 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival Highlights 01.10 Monkey 01.55 Star Trek: Enterprise 02.40 Andromeda 03.25 Shin Gi Tai 03.30 The Body Story: Basic Instinct 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Dream On. 4.45 Making It. 4.50 The Number Crew 2. 5.00 Chez Mimi. 5.15 Chez Mimi. 5.30 Animated Tales of the World

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Wednesday

Today in your Union

Page 26

March 15-21 2004

drunk@Ifuckingwish.cf.ac.uk

RUBBER DUCK

ANAESTHETIC Solus 10pm – 2am £3 Castle and Java £1.30, Screamers £1.00, Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, WKD Vodka £1.00 Doctors, nurses and patients alike are invited to knock themselves out with the Wacky Wednesday antics.

There's no needle to be anywhere else as we take you on this mad medical roller coaster of mumps and downers. So strap on, strap in and hold on as we take you to the operating room of fun! Oooh Matron!!!

Catch a flying Rubber Duck and win a free drink, pair of tickets to Rubber Duck, or a £30 drinks voucher!

Wicked Wednesday: WKD £1.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Cheltenham Festival S4C 1pm

Danger on the Beach BBC1 7pm

Wild at Heart

Five Go Dating

Sky One 10pm

ITV1 3.25am

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 The Wild Thornberrys 16.35 Powers 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Danger on the Beach 19.30 Combat Pilot 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 The Food Police: Illegal Foods 20.30 Animal Camera: Into the Future 21.00 21.00 Family Business 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.40 Wales in our Time with John Humphrys: 1990s - A Design For Life?

23.20 Tabloid Tales: Darren Day 00.00 Match of the Day 00.30 FILM: Sleepstalker I’ll leave this stupidity to the experts: “Horror about a serial killer resurrected as a creature made of sand.

Moments before his execution for the murders of a mother and father, a killer known as the Sandman is visited by a voodoo priest. The priest magically enables the killer to leave his body at the moment of death, and become a literal Sandman.

Thus begins the creature's pursuit of Griffin, the only remaining member of the family slaughtered 17 years ago.” And yes, it did say ‘thus’.

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 07.20 Ocean Star: The Quest 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Arthur 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Boo! 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 El Nombre 10.35 The Phil Silvers Show 11.00 The Budget 14.30 FILM: Sherlock Holmes: Terror by Night ** 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 So What Do You Do All Day?: Henrietta Knight 19.30 Fat Profits 20.00 Safe as Houses 21.00 If... Things Don't Get Better One of those stupid “preconstruction” programs (surely I’ve created a genre title here) where BBC2 blunder here by suggesting that things not getting better is related to us having a black Prime Minister in 2014.

Whoops.

22.00 The Alan Clark Diaries 22.30 Newsnight 23.25 Fighting the War: The Ground War 00.10 BBC Four on BBC Two: A Texas Murder in Black and White: Storyville 01.20 BBC Four on BBC Two: Profile: Yusuf Hamied - Breaking The Aids Barrier 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Schools: Revisewise Challenge at School: English 04.00 Music Programme Lazy program titling.

What about Melvyn and Maureen’s Music-a-gram. Now that’s fucking titling. Although it beats their “what?” type titles.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.25 ITV News Special: Budget 2004 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Rosie and Jim 15.35 Angelina Ballerina 15.50 Sonic X 16.10 The Yuk Show 16.30 Sabrina, the Teenage Witch 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales 18.00 ITV Evening News 18.55 Budget 2004: The Chancellor of the Exchequer 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street Sarah and Todd revel in their baby joy. She’s not pregnant again? She’s even more of a slag-wagon that Vicky in EastEnders!

20.00 The Bill 21.00 Footballers' Wives I can’t believe people still write into the Radio Times complaining that this is “trashy television”. Are they stupid?

That’s the fucking point you idiot. They’ll be telling us that student newspaper TV listings are less informative next.

22.00 The Impressionable John Culshaw Rory Bremner minus the politics.

22.30 ITV News 23.00 Director's Commentary 23.30 Housemates 00.00 Hardware 00.05 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 CD:UK Hotshots 01.25 World Sport 01.50 Undeclared 02.15 Take the Mike 02.40 ITV at the Festivals 2002 I went to All Tomorrow’s Parties in 2002.

Bet they don’t feature any of the bands on that line-up. Expect Nickelback at V2002 instead.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 The Morning Line: Cheltenham Festival 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sam Tan 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caffi Sali Mali 13.00 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival More jockeys slowing down/falling off horses/using rockets/using stunt doubles/replacing racehorses with donkeys/fitting wheels to horses’ hooves/tying tails together/waving bottles of glue infront of other competitors. I’m offering odds of 2:1 the race being a farce. You’ll be rolling in it.

16.15 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.30 Planed Plant: MaxN 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Rownd a Rownd 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Jim TV Carmarthenshire businessman Jim Jones shows off his Texel and Suffolk sheep in the local Pontargothi agricultural show. His five-year-old grandson Mathew wins his first rosette in the pet lamb competition. So his grandson’s a lamb, then? I’d like to see that family tree.

21.00 21.00 Limo Big Jim 22.00 Relocation, Relocation 23.00 ER 00.00 Frasier 00.30 Eurotrash 01.00 Cheltenham Festival Highlights Look closely on the replay, you can almost see the words “sniffing glue for shortarse cheats!” 01.30 FILM: Bound *** 03.25 Andromeda

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Franny's Feet 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Hellinger's Law ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 Weapons of World War II: Battleships A good idea, let down by the fact they all fit neatly into a 12 by 12 grid and resemble Tetris shapes. Or maybe that’s just Amiga Battleships.

20.00 Inside Hitler's Bunker: The True Story A load of idiots poking about in mud trying to recreate the Führer’s final resting place. Who cares?

21.00 The Great Escape: Revealed Likewise, who really gives one about this, which is interesting in the corridors of history, but recreating the real great escape is surely just digging a tunnel in a garden. Away with ye!

22.00 Meet the In-Laws: Dale and Lisa 23.05 Paradise Hotel 00.05 Real Sex 01.00 NHL Ice Hockey: New York Islanders v Florida Panthers 04.20 Boxing Classic: Nigel Benn v Jorge Amparo 05.10 2003 Korean Formula 3 Super Prix Things not to do: Go out on the union roof for a cigarette in the snow.

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Doves Re:covered Doves perform their own Pounding, plus the Smiths' Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want.

Great. Apparently in a poll, REM and The Smiths came top of polls of songs people listen to when they’re feeling sad. Come on! I can understand the suicidally shit REM causing people to drop into comatose states of suffering, but do people really take songs like Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now on face value? Come on! And Panic is such a jolly song. Yeah...

19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebdaq C celebrity 21.00 FILM: Devil's Advocate **** 23.15 Vic and Bob in Catterick 23.45 Live at Johnny's 00.15 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy 00.45 New Tycoons 01.15 Three's a Crowd 01.45 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 02.15 Celebdaq 02.45 Live at Johnny's 03.15 SAS Survival Secrets 03.45 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.25 Airline 13.55 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Movies Now With Johnny Knoxville, star of the rather excellent looking Grand Theft Parsons but I’m biased because I like a) Gram Parsons, and b) Johnny Knoxville.

18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.45 Will Young... In the Studio 20.00 Coronation Street Secrets: Barmaids 21.00 Killers on Camera 22.00 Coronation Street 22.30 The Bill Undercover: The Des and Reg Story 23.30 Starsky and Hutch: The Premiere Barrel-scrapingly odious little program.

00.00 Beyonce: Celebrity Chat 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.15 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: The Best Man in Grass Creek ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 21.00 Stupid and Dangerous 22.00 FILM: Wild at Heart GREAT film. Watch it. It’s like The Wizard Of Oz only retold in absolute insane circumstances, with Nicolas Cage wearing snakeskin and impersonating Elvis no less than three times.

Also: Willem Defoe shooting his own head off, Jack Nance talking about a dog, and the ever reliable Harry Dean Stanton, the wicked witches’ accomplice, being murdered in weird circumstances. Need I mention it’s directed by David Lynch?

00.25 Britain’s Hardest

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine? 19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm 20.30 Friends 21.00 Alex Best: My Life with George 22.00 Father Ted 22.35 Father Ted Great episode, featuring Father Stacks, who plays music that News Desk says “sounds like most the stuff TV Andy plays”. Not entirely wrong, but right enough to be good.

23.05 Teachers 00.05 Hollyoaks 00.35 Trigger Happy USA 01.05 Alex Best: My Life with George Who gives a fuck?

02.05 Father Ted 02.35 Father Ted 03.05 Trigger Happy USA 03.25 Five Go Dating Oh, this is getting ridiculous. I thought Channel 4 and its related channels were supposed to be groundbreaking? Fucking American imports all the way, Teachers and some shoddy documentary following Alex Best around living her nobody life.

As S4C except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise King 06.05 Party Animals 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Hot Wired. 9.55 The Write Stuff. 10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 Tartan Jam. 10.55 Jack and the Beanstalk. 11.10 Citizen Power. 11.35 What's This Channel 4? 12.30 Beat the Nation 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News Including sport and weather. 19.55 The Power Behind: The Music. 20.00 Relocation, Relocation 21.00 Grand Designs 22.00 ER 23.05 Frasier 23.35 Sex and the City 00.15 The Simple Life 00.45 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival 01.15 4 Music: Ear Candy. 01.45 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 02.05 4 Music: Headliners: Travis 02.35 4 Music: 4 Play: The Zutons Fucking atrocious excuse for a band. I happened to see them supporting Interpol a few years ago. Now they’re stealing The Coral’s success.

Cunts. 02.45 Cycling: Tour of Langkawi 2004 03.15 Skiing on 4: World Cup Finals 05.05 Stargate SG-1 05.50 Bug Alert!

Thursday

Page 27

March 15-21 2004

HappyBirthday@GorgeousAmy.com

Fishlock’s Sea Stories BBC2 7.30pm

The Odd Couple BBC2 1.15pm

15 Storeys High

Black Books

BBC3 11pm

C4 10pm

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Blue Peter 07.25 The Adventures of Shirley Holmes 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Rotten Ralph 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Ethelbert the Tiger 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 Science Clips 10.30 Starship 10.50 The Way Things Work 11.05 What?

Where? When? Why? 11.20 Bobinogs 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Big Screen Britain 13.15 FILM: The Odd Couple Fantastic comdey with Walther Mattau and Jack Lemmon. **** 15.00 Big Strong Boys 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 Three's a Crowd 18.50 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 19.00 A Seaside Parish 19.30 Fishlock's Sea Stories This week he looks at peanut smuggling and arse piracy.

20.00 20.00 Mastermind Celebrity Special 20.30 20.30 Rick Stein's Food Heroes 21.00 21.00 Horizon Story of two genuine scientific heroes: John Bahcall and Ray Davis were engaged in a single extraordinary experiment - to find out why the sun shines. Well duh, it’s obviously because it’s full of highpowered halogen bulbs.

21.50 Trouble at the Top 22.30 Newsnight 23.25 Desi DNA 23.55 Northern Lights 00.25 FILM: Tape *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Boohbah 15.45 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 16.00 Big Meg, Little Meg 16.30 Eliminator 17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Budget 2004: The Shadow Chancellor What a surpise, ITV1 supporting those right-wing Tory cunts. Tonight With Trevor should be named Tonight With The Appalled RightWing Moral Minority.

Much more catchy.

19.00 Emmerdale Emily makes a disturbing discovery when she persuades Marlon to let her into the attic. She finds he’s been keeping Riath up there in a box as a pet.

19.30 Beacons: Mountain Man 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Murder City 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 Start Up 00.05 24 Hour Quiz 00.55 Grounded for Life 01.20 The District 02.05 1989 Forever Awesome “Watch your bassbins I’m telling ya!” scenes.

03.00 Cybernet 03.25 Marc Almond in Profile 03.50 Get Stuffed!

04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News Japanese hair metal scenes as Envy launch into overload.

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 The Morning Line: Cheltenham Festival 09.25 Ysgolion/Schools 11.45 Cristnogaeth CA1 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Tweenies 13.00 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival 16.10 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 16.25 Planed Plant: Crafwr 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Fit Farm 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Datganiad y Gyllideb: Llafur The Labour Party's Welsh-language Budget statement.

19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Ymateb i'r Gyllideb: Ceidwadwyr The Conservative Party's response to the Budget.

20.05 Pobol y Cwm 20.30 Aelodau yn Unig 21.05 Darn o Dir Tank attacks Edgar and the police visit Gary Bwch. There was a kid at my school we used to call Tank - and rightly too, he was one fat fucker.

21.35 Barod am Roc Ian Cottrell looks at the Welsh music scene in the early 80s.

Including interviews with Geraint Jarman a'r Cynganeddwyr, Bando, Y Trwynau Coch, and Y Ficer. Might be good if I knew any of the bands.

22.25 No Angels 23.25 Budget Response by the Conservative Party 23.30 Six Feet Under 00.40 Father Ted 01.10 Cheltenham Festival Highlights 01.40 Monkey 02.30 Tour of Langkawi 03.00 Skiing on 4 05.00 Citizen Power

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.35 FILM: Backtrack 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Brendan is caught out at his 21st birthday after kissing Sean. Speaking of outings, Alex just outed Riath on Xpress Radio.

Shame he actually isn’t gay and is now suing for libel.

19.00 five news 19.30 Danger! Incoming Attack 20.00 FILM: You've Got Mail Anna from News Desk proclaims she likes this film, but then again she’s a girl. TV John says he’s hates it because he actually enjoys watching films and it was one of the worst films he’s ever seen. Damning praise indeed. *** 22.20 FILM: Bachelor Party Yet another shite Tom Hanks film.

Why don’t they show Dragnet?

That’s AMAZING. With a great theme tune too. * 00.30 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 01.10 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v Feyenoord 02.40 Argentinian Football 04.15 Argentinian Football Highlights 05.00 2004 Winter X Games John still can’t think of a film worse than You’ve Got Mail...

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Stereophonics Re:covered 19.30 Three's a Crowd 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 Celebdaq 21.00 How the War Was Spun 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.00 15 Storeys High Errol is worried about Vince, who is acting strangely. With a name like Vince he’s probably dressing up like a teddy boy and getting into fights at pool halls with his hot rod parked outside.

23.30 Live at Johnny's 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 New Tycoons 01.00 Three's a Crowd 01.30 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 02.00 Celebdaq 02.30 Live at Johnny's Third time lucky - I think not.

03.00 15 Storeys High 03.30 Liquid News with Claudia and Paddy And it’s a very, very happy birthday to my wonderful girlfriend Amy, formerly of TV Desk and GR proofing legend.

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Dancing in the Street 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 The Bill Undercover: The Des and Reg Story Des Taviner reflects on his turbulent time at Sun Hill, and as he and Reg Hollis come together for a final showdown, their journey takes them into dark and disturbing territory, otherwise known as ITV2.

20.00 Celebrities Exposed: Plastic Perfection 21.00 Starsky and Hutch: The Premiere 21.30 Beyonce: Celebrity Chat Beyoncé talks about her career to date and how she manages to get her ass to wiggle like that. Mmmmm.

22.00 Murder City 23.30 The Bill Undercover: The Des and Reg Story 00.30 Footballers' Wives 01.30 Late Show with David Letterman 02.20 Teleshopping

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.15 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: Winding Roads ** 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Jake 2.0 21.00 24 Chase argues with Ryan Chapelle, is now in charge of CTU and has sent out pursuit craft to shoot down Jack's helicopter. Cue an amazing chase that takes up over half the episode meaning the writers can get away with stretching the “Rogue Jack” idea over several more episodes...

22.00 Cold Case 23.00 The Handler 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 ER 02.40 Alias 03.30 JAG 04.20 Hot Love Sounds racy.

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks 17.00 Friends 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine? Yet more bukkake action.

19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm More bovine totty action.

20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER Carter and Kem arrive in Chicago, and Pratt accidentally breaks a patient's neck.

22.30 A Wife for William: The Nation's Top 5 Countdown Did anyone actually bother to vote in this?

23.00 Proper Bo Selecta!

23.35 Friends 00.05 ER 01.00 Trigger Happy USA 01.25 Hollyoaks 01.55 A Wife for William: The Nation's Top 5 Countdown 02.25 Proper Bo Selecta!

02.50 Five Go Dating 03.15 Trigger Happy USA Teen angst scenes as Sonic Youth’s Teenage Riot hits the speakers.

As S4C except: 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Hot Wired. 9.55 Middle English. 10.15 The Hoobs. 10.40 Tartan Jam. 10.55 Jack and the Beanstalk.

11.10 Citizen Power. 11.35 Citizen Power. 12.30 Beat the Nation 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.40 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival Highlights 19.55 The Power Behind: The Game 20.00 A Place in the Sun 20.30 A Place in France: An Indian Summer 21.00 Who Kidnapped Shergar?

22.00 Black Books Bernard and Manny decide to write a children's book based on the Stalinist purges. Expect this to be the best thing EVER! 22.30 Father Ted Ted receives a car from Bishop Brennan to give away in a fund-raising raffle.

23.05 Six Feet Under 00.15 NYPD Blue 01.10 Channel 4 attheraces: Cheltenham Festival Highlights 01.40 Cycling: Tour of Langkawi 2004 02.05 Skiing on 4: World Cup Finals

Today in your Union

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Father Dowling Mysteries 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 16.55 Feather Boy 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Karl and Susan attend their first counselling session to stop them having sex in public. Max offers Connor a co-manager's position at the pub and Summer unfortunately survives her first day at high school.

18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Didn't They Do Well!

19.30 EastEnders Dennis and Sharon cause a stir in the Vic with their incestuous groping and Ash gives in to temptation releasing a Greatest Hits album well before his career is over.

20.00 The Inspector Lynley Mysteries 21.30 A Life of Grime 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.40 Question Time 23.40 Dragon's Eye 00.10 This Week 01.10 Sign Zone: See Hear 01.55 Sign Zone: Burnt-Out Britain 02.25 Sign Zone: Panorama 03.05 Sign Zone: Animal Camera 03.35 Sign Zone: Watchdog 04.05 Joins BBC News 24

THE TAF Thirsty Thursday: Double Smirnoff and Red Bull £2.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Friday

Today in your Union

Page 28

March 15-21 2004

floundering@jokes.com

LASHTASTIC With Chris Kaye (vibe 101) Solus 10pm – 2am £3 All bottles £1.50

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

THE TAF

Frantic Friday: Java and Castle £1

Pulling Moves BBC3 9pm

Your Face or Mine?

E4 6.30pm

Bug Alert

My Family

C4 5.50am

BBC1 8.30pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.30 Now You're Talking! 10.00 Garden Invaders 10.30 Cash in the Attic 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Through the Keyhole 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 15.05 EastEnders Greatest Hits 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.00 ChuckleVision 16.15 Intergalactic Kitchen 16.40 What's New Scooby-Doo? 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Stuart tries to persuade Lou to give him a reference. Hmm, surely Lou’s too busy ragging Trevo - I mean Trixie, to have time. Sky's revenge on Erin falls flat.

Gutted! I love Sky. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 A Question of Sport Poor Sue Barker and her death threat shenanigans. I reckon she’s a lezza despite unsubtle licking of lips etc.in Ally McCoist’s general direction.Maybe that explains the death threat. Just call me Detective TV Holly.

19.30 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Janine's past comes back to haunt her.

Christ, that’ll take a while, particularly if she’s reminiscing about that lengthy session with Ian when she was on the game.

20.30 My Family 21.00 The Worst Week of My Life Indeed. 21.30 Wild West 22.00 BBC News 22.40 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.35 The Big Impression 00.05 The Bachelor

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Teletubbies 06.45 Clifford the Big Red Dog 07.00 CBBC: Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 07.20 All or Nothing 07.50 Flint the Time Detective 08.10 Arthur 08.25 Newsround 08.30 CBeebies: Tweenies 08.50 Bob the Builder 09.00 The Shiny Show 09.20 Rubbadubbers 09.30 Teletubbies 10.00 Fimbles 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Let's Write NonFiction 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Wildlife on Two 12.30 Working Lunch 13.30 Rugby Special 14.15 Big Screen Britain 14.25 FILM: Sherlock Holmes: The Pearl of Death ** 15.30 Animal Park 16.30 Ready Steady Cook 17.15 Weakest Link 18.05 The Simpsons 18.25 Three's a Crowd 18.55 Scrum V Live: England U21 v Wales U-21 Kick-off at 7.05pm.

21.00 The Genius of Mozart: Miracle of Nature Why of nature?

22.00 Gardeners' World 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.40 This Is Ireland Nope, this is the fourth floor of the union, and it smells and is hot. I’m so lame and I don’t care.

00.10 The X Files 00.55 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: Wembley Stadium: Venue of Legends 02.30 Church and Mosque Venice and Istanbul 03.00 The Lyonnais: A Changing Economy 03.50 Ever Wondered? Yes. What is Simon Le Bon’s middle name? (Answer: Lee). 04.00 Duccio: The Rucellai Madonna 04.30 Moscow - a City in Transition 05.00 England's Green and Pleasant Land

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 This Morning: Battle of the Brides 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Everything Must Go! 14.30 24 Hour Quiz 15.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 15.15 Hilltop Hospital 15.25 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 15.35 What about Mimi? 16.00 As Told by Ginger Carrot-tops tell it like it is.

16.30 Teen Angel Isn’t this the website pug-faced, smug Serena from Neighbours is on?

17.00 You've Been Framed!

17.15 24 Hour Quiz 18.00 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 18.55 Budget 2004: The Liberal Democrats 19.00 Emmerdale Will Emily be able to persuade Marlon to leave the attic before the Kings get rough? Oh my god, just what is going on here? Sounds deranged. Marlon, in the attic, as royalty trick him down by leaving little piles of sherbet lemons on the bottom of the ladder and inspect the carpets, perhaps?

19.30 Coronation Street Tracy gets her comeuppance as Karen carries out her spectacular revenge.

Hmm, is all I’m saying.

20.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 20.30 Best Ever Inspector Morse Season: Inspector Morse 22.30 ITV News 23.00 Change for the Better?

23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 24 Hour Quiz 01.00 2DTV 01.25 Undeclared 01.55 Entertainment Now! 02.20 CD:UK Hotshots

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 The Fit Farm 07.30 Friends 08.00 Everybody Loves Raymond 08.30 Cheers 09.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Mymryn Bach 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 A Place in the Sun 13.45 Perfect Getaway 14.15 Making Space 14.45 Beat the Nation 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Budget Response by Plaid Cymru - The Party of Wales 18.00 The Fit Farm It took me a while to find out this is about people awaiting sex changes. Who the hell thought up this, and are they now ill as a consequence?

18.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 19.25 Ymateb i'r Gyllideb Plaid Cymru 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Ymateb i'r Gyllideb: Y Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol 20.05 Pobol y Cwm Has Hywel disappeared forever in the bog of Llanfuckeri?

Sheryl hears about Darren’s drug taking from Emma. Nice.

20.30 Nia 21.30 Jonathan What is this?

An hour of strange, Welsh celebrity chat? Yes. 22.15 Friends 22.45 Sex and the City Samantha's chemo treatment is ruining her sex drive.

23.45 Budget Response by the Liberal Democrats 23.50 Sex and the City Farewell 00.50 NY Graham Norton 01.55 South Park 02.05 Futurama 02.20 King of the Hill 02.45 Futurama 03.10 Tour of Langkawi

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 Barney 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Softies 09.10 Monkey Makes 09.20 Why? 09.25 Memory Bank 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 Charlie's Angels 15.40 FILM: Serving in Silence: The Margarethe Cammermeyer Story ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Riath shocks Alex with some unexpected news: “I don’t like fisting anymore!”

18.30 Family Affairs A tentative Brendan confesses his bisexuality to Caleb.

Woohoo! Finally, a listing really writing itself. Bland, but better than nothing.

19.00 five news 19.30 Easter in Art 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 Dream Holiday Home 21.00 FILM: A Perfect World Hmm, Kevin Costner. Be warned. His glory moment was Prince of Thieves, which I saw three times at the cinema as a child. Then I realised it was shit. Then I watched it again and fancied Alan Rickman, and decided it deserved a special place in my fantasies. Never Kevin though. I’m not that evil. **** 23.40 FILM: Blue Jean Cop *** 01.25 The Shield 02.10 FILM: The Baby Dance Sounds hilarious, but billed as a ‘social drama’. Yikes. ** 03.40 The Love Boat 04.25 Beverly Hills, 90210

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.20 Three's a Crowd 19.45 Kurt Cobain's Rock Shrine 20.00 Live at Johnny's 20.30 EastEnders Revealed This edition traces the chequered career of Billy Mitchell, played by Perry Fenwick. Hmm, he’s good friends with Kathy Burke, inn’e? Actually I reckon he’s really nice in real life. Good lord, I’m boring myself.

21.00 Pulling Moves Do not sashay about to Christina/Britney/Girls Aloud and grind into people’s legs and expect a night laden with fellatio from said victim. As for what to do, don’t ask me. I’m rubbish.

21.30 Pulling Moves 22.00 EastEnders Paul makes a desperate attempt to win Natalie back. Oh for the love of cheese, is this still going on?

22.30 EastEnders Revealed 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 The Practice 00.15 Live at Johnny's 00.45 Three's a Crowd 01.15 Sex, Warts and All Down Under 01.45 How the War Was Spun 02.40 Live at Johnny's

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.25 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.15 Judge Judy 12.30 Coronation Street 13.00 Emmerdale 13.30 Airline 14.00 Trisha 15.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 17.15 Judge Judy 17.45 Will Young... In the Studio 18.00 24 Hour Quiz Live 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 American Idol 22.10 American Idol 23.00 Coronation Street Sally's fight to clear Rosie's name backfires. Once a herpes-ridden whore, always a disease-infested ho, I say. Fred's outburst infuriates Shelley. Well, no one likes to be told that their fanny farts are knocking bricks out of next door’s fireplace, do they?

23.30 Club Reps Uncut More ‘debauchery’ among scallies.

00.30 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 ITV2 Nightscreen 04.20 Trisha 05.10 Late Show with David Letterman

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG1 10.00 Alias 11.00 ER 11.55 Dharma and Greg 12.20 The Sharon Osbourne Show 13.00 The Russell Grant Show 14.15 FILM: All You Need 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG1 19.00 Futurama 19.30 Futurama 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons Marge is mugged at the Kwik-e-Mart and becomes agoraphobic.

21.00 EuroMillions Live Draw Ah Jesus, this is too much.

Soon there’ll be no day free from lottery crap, and the total winnings will be something remarkable like 53p. In polished pennies to make it look better.

21.05 FILM: To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar ** 23.05 There's Something about Miriam 00.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 02.40 ER 03.30 JAG 04.20 The X Files 05.10 The Sharon Osbourne Show

14.00 The Fit Farm 14.30 Less Than Perfect 14.50 Perfect Match USA 15.40 ER 16.35 Hollyoaks Mandy goes deep-sea diving with Leslie Ash, who gets hauled up in a trout net. Not really, kids! Just having a joke with you - and trying to fill space. This is my last listing and it just won’t fill up quickly enough...

17.00 Friends 17.30 Less Than Perfect 18.00 Five Go Dating 18.30 Your Face or Mine?

Definitely mine when it’s dark.

Yours all the rest of the time.

19.00 Perfect Match USA 20.00 The Fit Farm This could be about netting fit people and then feeding pigs with them.

Instead, and weirdly, it’s just preop transsexuals trying to get fit.

Still find this concept odd.

20.30 Friends 21.00 No Angels This is absolute shite. Truly. Nearly as bad as Mad About Alice...

22.00 Without a Trace 23.00 The Secret Life of Us 00.00 Oz 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.35 No Angels 02.30 Without a Trace

As S4C except: 06.00 Insektors 08.30 Cheers 09.00 Beat the Nation 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Health and Social Care. 9.55 Middle English. 10.15 The Hoobs.

10.40 Tartan Jam. 10.55 Jack and the Beanstalk. 11.10 Citizen Power. 11.35 Citizen Power. 12.30 Frasier 12.55 FILM: San Demetrio, London ** 15.15 Countdown 16.00 My Place in the Sun 16.30 Making Space 18.30 Hollyoaks The search continues for the Ultimate Student 2004. Me! Or Andy! Or John! Everyone else smells. 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 Without Prejudice?

20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 Sex and the City Farewell 22.30 Sex and the City 23.35 NY Graham Norton 00.40 T4 Loves Sex and the City 01.10 South Park 01.40 The Grill 02.05 Futurama 02.30 King of the Hill 02.55 20 Things to Do before You're 30 03.20 Skiing on 4: World Cup Finals 05.10 Postmodern Pastimes 05.20 The Body Story: Shut Down 05.50 Bug Alert! Gah!

Saturday

March 15-21 2004

Page 29

outingthearab@xpressradio.co.uk David Dickinson

Jacko’s Millions BBC3 2.10am

E4 6.30pm

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Gary Rhodes: The Cookery Year 10.30 The Naked Chef 11.00 Kitchen Invaders 11.30 The Nation's Favourite Food 12.00 See Hear 12.45 World Cross Country 13.45 Racing from Ascot and Uttoxeter 15.30 Bill Oddie's History Hunt 16.30 Watching the Detectives: Monk 17.15 The Planets 18.15 Wales on Saturday 18.45 The Good Life Tom and Barbara have babies, babies and more babies.

FNARRR! I wouldn’t mind giving Felicity Kendall a few and then some. Grr. 19.15 Dad's Army Captain Mainwaring and his platoon are instructed to guard a captive U-boat crew. Are they up to the job? Obviously not.

Expect “Don’t panic!” and “Stupid boy!” scenes.

19.45 The Extraordinary Voyage of Jules Verne 20.25 Ancestors: The Curse of Oxford Gaol 21.15 Britain's Best Sitcom: Dad's Army Phill Jupitus gives 20 reasons why he thinks perennial favourite Dad's Army is Britain's best sitcom. Expect plenty of interviews with Ian Lavender as he’s the only one of the platoon still alive. And the poor bastard is reduced to working on EastEnders.

22.15 Skagerrak 00.00 Give My Head Peace 00.30 FILM: The Journey of August King *** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open University and General Interest: The Passionate Statistician 02.30 The World Network 03.00 Unearthing the Woodwide Web 03.30 Life on a Thread 04.00 Seal Secrets 04.30 The Challenge 05.00 Attack on the Wires

Stars In Their Eyes: Kids ITV 6.10pm

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Ministry of Mayhem 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 12.40 On the Ball 13.30 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix Qualifying 15.30 Coronation Street Omnibus 17.10 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.25 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.40 New You've Been Framed!

18.10 Stars in Their Eyes: Kids Cat Deeley hosts a new series in which children aged 16 and under get the chance to be their favourite star for the night, as paedophiles vote for the one who does it the most for them. I wonder why Matthew Kelly wasn’t suggested to host this...

19.10 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 20.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Mothers' Day Special 21.15 Murder in Suburbia Kate and Emma investigate the death of a charity worker found stabbed to death, who was involved in a wife-swapping circle.

Along the way they have several humorous encounters with couples willing to exchange information for nookie and eventually find out who the killer is after giving the mayor what for with a big black strap on. ITV obviously showing off it’s new “edgy” schedule.

22.15 ITV News 22.30 The Premiership Including Arsenal v Bolton, Manchester United v Tottenham, and Chelsea v Fulham.

00.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.30 FILM: Quicksilver Highway ** 02.05 CD:UK 03.00 Dare to Believe

CSI: Miami five 9.15pm

06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Skiing on 4: World Cup 08.00 Trans World Sport 09.00 The Morning Line 09.55 Film Fever 10.00 Salvage Squad 11.00 Scrapheap Challenge: The Scrappy Races 12.00 Smash Hits Chart 12.30 A Wife for William 13.00 As If 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces 15.30 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Awstralia v Cymru 17.55 FILM: Carry On up the Khyber **** 19.30 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.45 Noson Lawen 20.50 O Flaen Dy Lygaid: Pobol y Cwm Documentary about the soap opera Pobol y Cwm which celebrates its 30th anniversary this year. However, there are questions about the series' future , as well as the future of S4C. I say ditch the fucking thing as no one ever watches the Welsh programmes anyway and C4 does a decent enough service on it’s own. I’m all for Welsh language television - just not at the expense of the usual English programming. Let them have S4C digital and be done with it.

21.50 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Awstralia v Cymru 22.30 FILM: The Game Excellent thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn, directed by David “Fight Club” Fincer.

Douglas gets given entry to “The Game” for his birthday but soon starts to wonder what the true motives of the company running the enterprise really are. *** 00.50 FILM: Stepmom Terminal illness sentimental pap. Avoid. ** 03.10 Skiing on 4 05.00 KOTV

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 WideWorld 06.35 WideWorld 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Home and Away Omnibus 10.00 Dawson's Creek 10.55 Shake! 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 13.00 Zentrix 13.30 Beyblade 14.00 Robot Wars 15.05 The Chart 15.40 FILM: Electric Horseman ** 18.00 FILM: FernGully... the Last Rainforest Atrocious environmental cartoon trying to save some rainforests. They should have just spend the budget hiring a group of mercenaries to kill all the loggers instead. *** 19.15 Charmed Prue travels back to the mid-19th century to save an American Indian from a local thug.

Hey, that’s good use of time travel. She could have stopped the first world war, the Chernobyl disaster or the assassination of Martin Luther King, but no, she’s stopping a bully. I despair sometimes.

20.05 five news and sport 20.20 Martial Law 21.15 CSI: Miami While the CSIs rush to solve the murder of a businessman, Horatio encounters a girl who bears a distinct resemblance to his dead brother. That must be one UUUUGLY woman.

22.10 Law and Order 23.10 FILM: Philadelphia Cheesy drama (BOOM ! BOOM!). *** 01.30 Boxing: Fight of the Week: Courtney Burton v Julio Diaz 02.40 Boxing Classic: Nigel Benn Special 03.25 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat Kick Boxing 04.20 Cold War

COME PLAY Solus 10pm-2am £3 Double Vodka Red Bull £2.50, Double Vodka and Dash £2.00, Java and Castle £1.30

THE TAF Saturday Snakefever: Snakebite £1.30

GAMES ROOM 19.00 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 20.00 Who Rules the Roost 21.00 FILM: The Devil's Advocate Not as I misread, The Devil’s Avocado... Passable horror fare with Keanu Reeves getting hired by the devil himself (Pacino hamming it up) to act as his lawyer. Charlize Theron looks reallly pretty until being imprenated by the devil, then it all goes a bit weird. Disappointing ending scenes. **** 23.15 Liquid Assets: Keanu Reeves' Millions 00.15 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 00.45 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Surely you should be out getting pissed rather than watching this dross.

01.15 How the War Was Spun 02.10 Liquid Assets: Jacko's Millions 02.40 Who Rules the Roost 03.35 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps As I stick Patrick Wolf’s fantastic Lycanthropy on the stereo I remember how mindfuckingly ace this record is - BUY IT cretins, BUY IT NOW!

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 12.15 Quincy, ME 13.15 Movies Now 13.25 Cruises from Hell 14.30 CD:UK 15.30 Entertainment Today 16.20 Dancing in the Street 16.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 17.00 Movies Now Featuring Johnny Knoxville in Grand Theft Parsons which has nothing to do with trying to complete Grand Theft Auto Vice City in one day.

17.10 Airline 17.40 Airline 18.10 Entertainment Today 19.00 Will Young... In the Studio Unfortunately not Will Young... In A Bath Full Of Acid.

19.10 Holiday Hospital: Palma 20.10 Celebrity Fit Club 21.15 FILM: Daylight Terrible Stallone disaster flick. Shame he didn’t get stuck in there the talentless twat. *** 23.20 Club Reps Uncut 00.20 Celebrities Exposed: Plastic Perfection 01.20 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

02.20 Teleshopping 03.20 ITV2 Nightscreen 03.35 Emmerdale Omnibus

06.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Star Trek: Enterprise 17.00 Jake 2.0 18.00 Stargate SG-1 Heroes: Jack O' Neill 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 24 22.00 Nip/Tuck Not much to talk about here today is there?

23.00 Cold Case 00.00 Angel 00.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 02.40 Cops 03.05 America's Dumbest Criminals 03.30 Gamezville 04.20 Star Trek: The Next Generation

14.00 Less Than Perfect 14.20 Making the Band 14.50 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.00 Friends 17.30 Making the Band 18.00 The Grill 18.30 G Girls Series about women with huge breasts. This week Jodie Marsh gets hers stuck in a lift whilst Kerry McFadden gets mistaken for a small hippo.

19.00 G Girls 19.25 A Wife for William: The Nation's Top 5 Countdown 20.00 T4 Loves Sex and the City 20.30 Friends 21.00 Shameless 22.00 Sex and the City 22.45 Sex and the City 23.45 Sex and the City Farewell 00.55 Six Feet Under 02.00 The Sopranos 03.00 Kingpin gair rhydd School of Rock lesson No 1: this week I’m instructing TV John in the wonder of Fugazi.

Four tracks into End Hits and he’s a convert. Next week, electroshock therapy to stop Alex liking Will Young.

As S4C except: 09.55 T4: Smash Hits Chart 10.25 T4: Friends 11.00 T4: A Wife for William 11.30 T4: Friends 12.00 T4: The OC 13.00 T4: As If 15.50 FILM: The Pride and the Passion *** 18.15 Dice Life Mick Jones of The Clash and choreographer Wayne McGregor collaborate with author Luke Rhinehart to produce a dance piece inspired

by Rhinehart's novel The Dice Man. This sounds fantastic. Or toss. Delete as appropriate.

18.45 Channel 4 News 19.15 Battle Stations: F-15 Eagle 20.15 Regency House Party My girlfriend is addicted to this, but then again she always creams herself over Mr Darcy so I’m not surprised.

21.15 The 100 Greatest Films 00.25 NY Graham Norton 01.25 4 Music: Ear Candy 01.55 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 02.15 4 Music: Morcheeba: From Brixton to Beijing 02.40 FILM: Georgy Girl **** 04.20 Off Centre 04.45 Jack and Jill 05.30 A Child's World: The Lying Game

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10.30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Today in your Union

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Round the Twist 06.55 Evolution: The Animated Series 07.15 Tom and Jerry Kids 07.40 Arthur 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 Scooby Doo and Scrappy Doo 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Rugby Union Build-Up 13.30 Rugby Union: Ireland v Italy 15.25 Football Latest 15.30 Rugby Union Build-Up 16.00 Rugby Union: England v Wales 16.50 Football Full-Times 16.55 Rugby Union: England v Wales 17.30 No Variations 17.50 Rugby Union: England v Wales 17.55 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 18.15 Just for Laughs 18.45 Weakest Link 19.35 The National Lottery Jet Set 20.10 Test the Nation: The Great British Test 21.35 BBC News; Weather 22.00 Test the Nation: The Great British 23.10 Boxing: Audley Harrison v Richel Hersisia 00.55 FILM: Phantasm II Sequel in which two young men find themselves up against a horrifying plot by the Tall Man to capture both dead and sleeping people and turn them into ugly gnome-like creatures. Sounds like it could be awesome stoned viewing or the worst film in the history of the universe. Maybe even worse than You’ve Got Mail - but that might be a leap too far.

02.30 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 03.25 A Question of Sport 03.55 Top of the Pops 04.25 Joins BBC News 24

G Girls

Sunday

Page 30

March 15-21 2004

retardedaccusation@deadgirl.co.uk

THE TAF WHO WANTS TO BE A CLEVER DICK

Today in your Union

Quiz £3 per team (max 6) Up to £350 in drink vouchers to be won!

Sunday Sessions: Jugs of Carling, Worthy and Strongbow £6.00

Braceface C4 11.35pm

Aliens Among Us

The Grill E4 5.30pm

five 11.20am

Union Jack E4 3.10pm

06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 'Allo 'Allo! 13.25 Local Heroes 14.05 EastEnders 16.00 Fame Academy Next Generation God help us. Is this Fame Academy junior? Full of precocious GCSE music students and things? Urgh.

17.00 My Family 17.30 Songs of Praise for Mothering Sunday 18.05 BBC News; Weather 18.30 18.30 Last of the Summer Wine 19.00 19.00 Noah's Ark 20.00 20.00 Born and Bred 21.00 21.00 Bob Monkhouse OBE: A BAFTA Tribute My tribute: He wasn’t very funny and then he did Wipeout.

22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Saddam on the Run Distinctly ITV-sounding documentary about how the inverse Santa Claus managed to fester in a small hole for eight months.

22.55 Fucking Your Mum 23.15 On Show 23.55 FILM: Hard Target *** 01.35 FILM: Phantasm III Brilliant, you can watch the first sequel on Saturday, and then watch this today. So I hope you’ve been good and heeded Andy’s warnings. This is the second sequel about a lord of the undead - the evil Tall Man - who is intent on resurrecting an army of human corpses. It seems that only two men can stop him, but then the Tall Man sets his sights on making one of them his own. I still stand by the fact that any film where the evil being is called the Tall Man has to be good - it plays on everyone’s fears. Everyone knows tall people can see more evil.

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 64 Zoo Lane 06.30 CBBC: Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show 06.55 Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 FightBox 11.00 Sunday Home and Garden 12.40 Big Screen Britain 12.55 Six Nations Grandstand 13.00 Sport + 13.10 Big Interview: Tony McCoy “No, I’d never take a bribe or forfeit a race... etc.”

13.25 Athletics: World CrossCountry Championships 14.30 Rugby Union Build-Up 15.00 Rugby Union: Scotland v France 17.00 Scrum V 17.40 The National Trust 18.10 Natural World: A Moose Named Madeline 19.00 When Black Became Beautiful: Cornrows, Afros, Anything Goes Documentary about hair.

20.00 SAS Desert: Are You Tough Enough?

21.00 Gunpowder, Treason and Plot 22.40 FILM: Stella Street: the Movie Confusion arises in the office as everyone can remember the quite good TV series, but the fact it was made into a film leaves a gaping void in our memory banks. Surely it wouldn’t work? Only one way to find out.

00.20 Rugby Special An oxymoronic way to round off today’s day of sport on BBC2. 01.30 Joins BBC News 24 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: WorkSkills: Wise at Work: Money Matters: Cashwise 03.00 Webwise for Business: Using the Internet 04.00 Improving Skills 05.00 Workplace Skills Hooray, hooray, it’s snowing heavily outside, Everyone’s been outside on the balcony to play and throw snow and ice through the open office windows, and have returned looking all dandruff-y and haggard.

Wahey!

06.00 GMTV 06.45 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix Live 09.10 GMTV 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 Waterfront 12.30 Soccer Sunday 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 14.00 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix 16.15 Jacob's Ladder 16.55 Harry Hill's TV Burp 17.25 ITV1 Wales News and Weather 17.40 Grass Roots 18.10 How to Holiday 18.40 ITV News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Carl comes clean. No more cock-rot for him, good boy.

19.30 Coronation Street Shelley begins to soften Charlie as he turns on the charm. Obviously losing your touch, Shell.

20.00 Heartbeat Vernon picks up a bargain solution for pest control. A photo of TV John.

21.00 William and Mary 22.05 Hardware Boring sitcom. Avoid.

22.30 2DTV Featuring a magical battle between Lord Of The Rings magician Saruman and David Blaine. Great.

23.00 ITV News 23.05 The South Bank Show 00.10 F1: Malaysian Grand Prix Boring, boring boring. Everyone’s dads like it. Obviously a mid-life crisis sport. Wow, fast cars! Only Formula 1 is fast cars made into the most boring thing ever.

Organised cack. 01.15 Lads Army 02.10 Bridezillas 02.35 Today with Des and Mel 03.25 The Entertainers 03.50 Cybernet “I know all you nerds will still be up at this time, so here’s a review of the new X-box game...” 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

06.15 The Hoobs 06.40 The Hoobs 07.00 Football: South American Championship 08.00 ICC Cricket World 08.30 VeeTV 09.00 The Simple Life 09.30 The Grill 10.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Joe Millionaire UK 13.45 Stargate SG-1 14.30 Star Trek: Enterprise 15.15 The OC 16.00 Maniffesto 16.30 Y Gymraes Wleidyddol 17.30 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf 20.00 Bryn Terfel a'r Urdd Phenomenally popular Welsh opera “legend” performs in St David’s Hall with a 200-piece orchestra. Sounds like a marriage made in hell to me, but Joe Public digs the man Bryn, so who am I to argue?

22.10 Newyddion 22.25 FILM: Shaft Pointless remake. Where have I heard that before? Oh yeah, they almost all are.

00.15 Regency House Party The natural successor to Noel’s House Party, surely. 01.15 Travelling into Trouble 02.15 FILM: Black and White Urban New York drama about the fascination of white privileged kids with rap and hip-hop culture.

Case studies: Deputy Editor Alex and my friend’s older brother who has (or at least used to have) a vast collection of rude boy “Wu” wear. If only they were featured.

So moving on... music picks this week. Alas I only have two, but they’re a doubly good two. One is the new Black Heart Procession collaboration album, which you can read about elsewhere, and the other is The Pyramid Electric Co. by Jason Molina, who is a lo-fi legend.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 The Jesus Effect: Christianity's Cultural Impact 07.00 Barney 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.35 Rolie Polie Olie 09.05 Babar 09.30 George Shrinks 10.00 Snobs 10.30 Michaela's Wild Challenge 11.05 The Ice Cream Machine 11.20 Aliens among Us 11.35 Braceface 12.05 Revelations 12.40 Divine Designs 13.10 five news update 13.15 The Chart 13.45 Robot Wars 14.45 FILM: T J Hooker * 16.15 Columbo 17.45 Dream Holiday Home 18.15 five news and sport 18.25 FILM: The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas ** 20.00 FILM: Charlie's Angels **** 21.55 FILM: Starsky and Hutch: The Movie ** 23.30 They're the Man: Behind the Scenes of the Starsky and Hutch Movie Let’s look at the evidence here.

A movie version of a crap TV show - The Flintstones, followed by a movie version of a crap TV show - Charlie’s Angels and then a movie version of a crap TV show - Starsky and Hutch. I sense a theme here, but I can’t quite place what it is...

00.00 World's Wildest Police Videos 00.45 NHL Ice Hockey: Chicago Blackhawks v Phoenix Coyotes 03.30 2004 Winter X Games 04.30 Five Football Replay: UEFA Cup 1st Round, 1st Leg - Genclerbirligi v Blackburn Rovers Jesus, I can’t believe they’re showing such a classic football match again!

When were Blackburn in the UEFA Cup anyway? Where the hell is Genclerbirligi? How do you pronounce it? Who am I?

19.00 If... the Lights Went Out 20.00 Liquid Assets: Arnold Schwarzenegger's Millions 21.00 Who Rules the Roost 22.00 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 22.30 Vic and Bob in Catterick 23.00 Little Britain 23.30 Cyderdelic 00.00 Liquid Assets 00.55 Who Rules the Roost 01.55 Liquid Assets: Jacko's Millions 02.25 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 02.55 Vic and Bob in Catterick 03.25 Cyderdelic Wow, it’s not like I’ve never written about any of these programmes before or anything.

Given that I personally don’t have access to BBC3 I can’t comment, but if I can get bored silly writing about it, how dull must it be to watch it every day?

Please tell me. Also, we’ve been told we have to sort out which ones of you greasy fuckers are going to replace us in TV Desk next year. We’ve been reluctant to start looking because we adore it so much, but if anyone’s interested, either collar us in the street (we all wear suits of armour) or come up to the GR...

09.25 American Idol 10.55 American Idol 11.45 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway 12.45 Emmerdale Omnibus 15.35 Coronation Street Omnibus 18.00 Coronation Street Secrets: Barmaids 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Will Young... In the Studio 20.00 American Idol 21.40 American Idol 22.30 Celebrities Exposed: Plastic Perfection 23.30 Coronation Street 00.00 Coronation Street Secrets: Barmaids 01.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 01.30 Entertainment Today 02.20 Movies Now 02.25 Teleshopping 03.25 The John Walsh Show 04.05 ITV2 Nightscreen 05.05 Trisha ...office sometime and we’ll check you out. Talents you need include: 1) an overexaggerated opinion of yourself, 2) an ability to commandeer the office stereo and 3) no fear of swearing or nudity. Talents you don’t need include: 1) knowledge of television 2) ownership of a television and 3) the ability to type using two hands. As I have proved successfully this year.

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Zoids 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 YuGi-Oh! Enter the Shadow Realm 09.30 America's Dumbest Criminals 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Malcolm in the Middle 12.30 Captain Scarlet 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 15.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 16.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 17.00 Futurama 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Scrubs 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 There's Something about Miriam22.00 Mile High 23.00 There's Something about Miriam 23.30 Porno Valley 00.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 01.00 Extreme Witness 01.50 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 02.40 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 03.30 Gamezville

14.00 Less Than Perfect 14.20 Britney Spears: Gettin' in the Zone 15.10 Union Jack 15.40 T4 Loves Sex and the City 16.10 The Simple Life 16.35 The Simple Life 17.00 Friends 17.30 The Grill 18.00 A Wife for William: The Nation's Top 5 Countdown 18.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 19.25 The OC 20.30 Friends 21.00 Friends 21.30 ER 22.30 The OC 23.30 NY Graham Norton 00.35 The Secret Life of Us 01.30 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 02.20 Friends 02.45 A Wife for William: The Nation's Top 5 Countdown 03.10 T4 Loves Sex and the City But I fucking don’t. I watched one episode and decided never to watch it again due to the lack of the “In the City” aspect of the title. The snow’s falling outside, and I’m happy inside. For the first time ever, I’ve put The Black Heart Procession on the stereo and someone asked who it was because they liked it. Awwww!

06.00 Insektors 09.00 T4: Friends 09.30 T4: Popworld 10.30 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 13.05 T4: The Simple Life: Reunion Special 14.05 T4: The Grill With Dita Von Teese, who happens to be Marilyn Manson’s girlfriend, which should be interesting, particularly for those ever wanted to know what’s attractive about big old freaks.

14.45 T4: Will and Grace 15.15 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 16.05 T4: Star Trek: Enterprise 17.00 Time Team 18.00 Friends 18.30 The OC 19.30 Channel 4 News 20.00 Travelling into Trouble 21.00 The Man Who Ate His Archbishop's Liver? Not even remotely interesting, this documentary uses a stunning title to cover up it being a harrowing insight into life after Idi Amin.

Boo. 22.00 FILM: Shaft *** 23.50 The Real Michael Caine 00.55 FILM: Educating Rita 02.50 The Fishmonger 02.55 Born to Be Different 03.55 Hard Little Man 04.00 Second Chance 05.00 Spin 05.10 A Child's World: Boys and Girls 05.40 Bug Alert!

GAMES ROOM

Third Floor of the Students’ Union Open til 12am Mon-Sat, 10:30pm Sun Fully Licensed until 11pm.

Sky Sports, Video Games Pool only 70p per game American Pool £1.70 per half hour and Snooker £1.40 per half hour.

Five minute fun

March 15 2004

Page 32

grfiveminutefun@cardiff.ac.uk

The Half-Ar sed Quiz 1. Who stars as a struggling film director in Living In Oblivion?

2. What is Gordon Raphael’s (Strokes producer) new record label named?

3. What are the volcanos located around the Pacific Ocean called?

4. Who is the main character of Virginia Woolf’s Mrs Dalloway?

5. Who directed 21 Grams?

6. What links the Austrian archduke whose assasination star ted World War I and a Scottish band?

7. How many cigarettes have you effectively smoked when spending two hours in a smoky bar?

8. What does ‘funky spunk’ mean?

9. Who is lined up to play Jimi Hendrix in his biopic?

10. Which two bands are due to play ever y date on the NME’s upcoming Brit Pack tour?

1. Steve Buscemi 2. Subverse records 3. The Ring of Fire 4. Mrs Dalloway (bet you didn’t see that coming!) 5. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu 6. Franz Ferdinand 7. Four 8. Nasty tasting man juice 9. Andre 3000 10. 22-20s and The Ordinar y Boys (check them out on March 19, you won’t regret it) Name: ____________________________________________ Email: _____________________________________________ To claim your free meal, bring the completed crossword up to the office (this is the preferred option, as it’s less work for me, and more exercise for you) or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union.

Tiebreaker: What are the three best ways to break a tie? _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ _________________________________________________ Last weeks winner: Caroline Marshall, but let it be known, I’m dubious about people helping her out. It’s not big and it’s not clever.

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick).

Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

POPSCENE WEDNESDA WEDNESDAY 8.30-10pm XPRESS RADIO 107.2 FM

For all you crazy kids who are too cool for school, I have the perfect thing for you - Popscene on a Wednesday night, on air untill the end of the month. Quality new music from the likes of The Ordinary Boys, The Zutons and Franz Ferdinand, and old classics by Pixies, Stone Roses and Smashing Pumpkins. So to listen to fellas who actually know what they’re talking about, tune in every Wednesday. Then scoot along to the Welsh Club after for more drunken shenanigans.

Joke Corner Pinocchio complains to his father, saying, “Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains about splinters.” His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sandpaper to smooth his knob down. A few days later during dinner his father asks, “How are the girls?” Pinocchio replies “Girls? Who needs girls?”

What’s the difference between an airship and 365 blow jobs?

One is a Goodyear, the other is an excellent year.

What have Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth got in common?

They both have the same middle name.

Two nuns are sitting in the traffic waiting for the lights to change when suddenly a vampire appears in front of them. “Oh sister, what shall we do?” stammers the younger nun. “Do not worry,” came the reply. “Show him your cross.” The younger nun winds down the windscreen and yells “Fuck off, you little twat!”

An Irish family are watching television, when the father shouts, “Bridget!

Close your legs! the K-I-D-S can see your cunt.

PHRASE OF THE WEEK People, people, people, I’m starting to lose faith in student kind. There’re hardly any responses to the crossword, which by the way, gives away a free, yes free, meal... I’m going to have to make them easier in future. And I’m not hearing hordes of students chanting my phrases while swinging flaming sticks above their heads, and stomping... lots. Although I was confronted with this scene outside Factory last week. Unfortunately the chanting was directed at a certain Nathan Portlock, not me, but give me a short while, my time is nigh. Back to the matter in hand - phrases, well words to be precise. I’m going to ease you in gently here (yeah I know thats what all the fellas want me to do, so just for the record, I respond well to expensive presents, and free stuff in general: gig tickets, CDs, be original please).

kiddie; bad boy; fantabulous; hardcore action; random (sorry, Problem Page Matt, it had to be done!); safe; insania (thank you Peter); mwah; battered; blindin’; rubbish; scandalous.

Matt’s Problem Page

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March 15 2004

grproblempage@cf.ac.uk : Anyone? No? Dust.

Problem of the Week Really Wild Show. Bill Murray.

Hairy Woody Harrelson. Steven Seagal

Arse

Dear Matt,

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been going out for two years, and although I'm really happy with everything, and the sex is still really great, I want to try something new. Thing is, I'm quite experimental, and he isn't.

We've hardly discussed anything because everytime we do we end up rowing. He's quite happy with normal sex (ie missionary) and the last time I tried to touch his, um, arse, he got out of bed in a sulk and slept on the couch. He seems to think it's really unnatural to mess about with these parts, and it's a bit frustrating because I just want to make him see that it's not at all. I love him to bits but I hate upsetting him. Give me some advice if you can please. Is he just being all blokey in case it makes him seem less male? Or should I just leave it alone?

I've noticed of late that my hairline is receding. In fact, it's been my housemates who have told me, and so it's become a little bit of a paranoia in the last few weeks. They constantly take the piss about it, and I do share the joke, but in reality it is a little concerning. Just wondering what I could do to remedy the situation. I'm not even 20 yet, so it does worry me that I'll have no hair at all by the time I'm 30. My family doesn't have a history of baldness either, so I'm just starting to consider that it might not be as bad as I'm thinking. What am I to do? It wouldn't be quite so bad if my mates weren't ripping into me for it.

Name and year withheld Is this the biggest male fear? I mean, the theorists say otherwise, but for now, we'll just pretend they haven't carved anything into the big fat belly of learning and we'll take a lesson from me.

This lesson comprises of two parts. One, that being a male will result in you being bald. Two, that this is not such a bad thing.

Let's consider the sexiest bald(ing) men in the world. Bill, from Guess Who. Grant Mitchell.

Harold Bishop. My dad. Kriss Akabusi. PHIL COLLINS. Ainsley Harriot. Reggie Bannister from Phantasm. Patrick Stewart (he's so hot). Darth Vader (post helmet removal). Harold Shipman.

Marlon Brando. Bruce Willis.

Skeletor. Mr Bump. Ted from The

Fish Dear Matt, I've got a fish in the house (it's all we're allowed) and to be honest, I'm pretty fed up of it. I can't be bothered to feed it, or just generally look after it. It's been alive for three years. It's crap. It doesn't do anything at all.

Problem is, I can't bring myself to kill it, I think I'd be quite sad if it died and so I appear to be in a pickle. Is there something wrong with me? Or what can I do. It is distressing me somewhat.

Thankyou, Irritated second year

Yawn Dear Matt, I have a housemate who is a complete and utter cock. Help.

Yours Sincerely, Aluuuuuuuuuuun, second year History I want to meet a walking, talking willy. It would enlighten me. Is that where Tony Blair siphons his tuiton fees? Genetic research into creating an anthropomorphic phallus? Wonderful. I can't help

(he's getting there, bless him).

Gene Hackman. Dan Aykroyd.

Steven Hawking. Prince Philip.

Samuel L Jackson. Timmargh.

Bruce Dickinson. Andrew (AND Julian) Lloyd Webber. Gerry Anderson. Julian Thorpe-Smith.

Pikachu. Henry VIII. Sean Connery. Doc Brown from Back To The Future. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Steph Scully. Clint Eastwood. Rutger Hauer. Paul McCartney. Malcolm Johnston.

Pat Sharp (don't deny it, you fucker). Buzz Lightyear. TONY HART. Andi Peters. Geoff from Byker Grove. Duncan Goodhew. The Demon Headmaster/Jack Straw.

Danny Mills. David Seaman (IT'S A FUCKING WIG). Mo Mowlam.

Jack from Emmerdale. George Clooney. A foetus. Lawrence Fishbourne. Jasper Carrott. Tony Robinson. Graham Norton (although I hate your face). PAUL DANIELS. DEBBIE McGEE. Trevor McDonald (ish, and he is god).

Tony Blackburn. Pol Pot. William Hague/Iain Duncan Smith (they're the same person).

Mussolini. Andre Agassi. Tom Hanks. Pat Cash. John McEnroe.

So, you see, you're not really alone. Even if you don't quite make it to 30 with a full bonce of hair, be safe in the knowledge that the aforementioned people are both bald and beautiful. Your mates just don't recognise the potential in having a shiny head.

This potential may involve blinding old people, international superstars, presidential candidates or just your local fishmongers. Realise this, and you may well have benefited from my lesson. Follicles will be follicles.

Matt Superlative pet deaths. I know of many. I know many people who have amusing stories about them, and so I like to feel like an expert.

Hamsters, it seems, have the highest ratio of stupidity in the animal kingdom. Not only do they have no concept of space ("whoops, I've just fallen off the ironing board"), heat ("So I'm sat in the sun, and it's warm, and oh, it's getting alot warmer, oh dear, I'm on fire"), other animals ("A CAT!") and humans ("If I bite this human, will it continue to smile or will it throw me at the wall?"), they are also REALLY awful at distinguishing between food and excrement. Cats are alright, same for dogs. Fish, though. Hmm. You are indeed, pickled. The fact you don't call it by name suggests something, and

really, mind. As I have just learnt, if I told you to say, shoot him, I would be held responsible for his murder. Liable for inciting the death of a walking, talking willy.

Which really, is absolutely marvellous. As if I just say these things off the cuff so that I might attain a giggle. This one isn't even funny. I don't know why they call it a comedy page, I'm crap really.

I just blab. On, and on, and on, and on, and on. I'm still at it. You see? Everyone hates everyone’s housemates. 'Tis the way of the world. Going to bed now.

Matt.

how to wash the dishes without blemishing your delicate fingers, how to eat 17,000 eggs a day and retain a healthy physique, how to milk a cow, how to be more attractive. No one considers how lucky they are that they can actually, you know, read the piffle I write on this very page.

So, you're a bit down because your chap has reservations about where you're playing hide-thedigit. He's thinking, "dear me, what can I do to satisfy my lovely girlfriend?" and you're like, "no, you're just a prude." Perhaps, dear lady, you ought to discuss his fears rather than prioritise your own. So, you should actually say "Honey I love you, I'll work through this with you to make you feel comfortable," and perhaps it will comfort him enough to give reasons for why he doesn't want your stubby little pinkies messing with his privacy. That's why he rows with you - because you're actually making him feel even worse about the situation he's getting moody because you're not respecting his opinion on the subject. Be more subtle.

Strategically place some magazines upon the subject about the place and he might happen to read it. Either way, it seems that you're in the wrong, you evil thing you. Failing the above, stick a trident up his arse and see how he reacts to that.

Dear Matt,

Ta, Anon, third year It's so hard to get my voluminous hair around it all. No-one's ever happy with what they have. It's always about pushing for something more, bettering your marks, learning how to survive the nuclear holocaust, how to use chopsticks properly, how to wear luminous cat-slaying condoms, how to become "metrosexual",

Matt

Everything getting you down? Essay stress? House tension? Alcoholism? Bored? Overdrawn? Problemridden? Email me. grproblempage@cf.ac.uk. I'm good for you. then that you call it crap. On the other hand maybe it represents something deeply pathological in you - a fear of... the sea? Does the little chap remind you of that swimming lesson when you had to rescue the child with the hairy armpits? Employ someone to kill it, or don't feed it for around a week, thus claiming innocence on the grounds that you've had a tough few days and forgot. Then you can "do a Nemo" and flush it down the bog. Fantastic. Maybe.

There probably is something wrong with you - same as everyone else though, and if you can't laugh at something that would otherwise make you upset then you're a bit weak. Have fun.

107.2 FM - Tall Mark's Sonic Assault (Saturdays, 9-11pm) for all your metal/rock/ noise desires, and Ella's Ska-tastic SkaStudded (she plays ska, if you hadn't guessed), Sunday evenings.

Listen to them if you can.

Handy Tip of the Week OK, so disclaiming oneself may be necessary. If you take this the wrong way then you've read it the wrong way. OK? So on my travels last week I came across a fleet of wheelchair users (cue the Flight Of The Valkyries) on some kind of excursion. Without irony or sarcasm (by that I mean I'm not being an evil shit this issue) it made me ponder upon the logistics, time constraints and politics of said trip. Not sure why really but it occured that it didn't seem so efficient to have 10 or 11 people in the chairs moving at different paces and wanting to do different things. Hence a little idea popped in to my head (cue lightbulb). What if, say, you got the wheelchairs, made some kind of connecting device, and put a chief co-ordinator on some kind of peddle operated machine. For the purposes of this article, we'll say a bicycle.

This means then, that the newly formed "wheelchair train" © keeps everything together - a cost efficient, environmentally friendly and convenient applicance. Everyone benefits from it. At the same time, having argued this out with various sources, a number of issues have arisen. Firstly, the economic benefits of just one carer steering, pedalling, etc, also means that the other carers involved do not have a job. (Note: this action would ONLY be applicable to convoys of people in chairs, not individual users. I feel this distinction should be made.) At the same time, it also takes choice away from the group, as the carer pedalling becomes leader. Also, physical restrictions would be very much present - we're talking 10 metres here. However, this could be remedied with legislation being passed for the trains to have access to cycle paths and so on. Concluding, it becomes quite clear that I have deluded myself - my idea is in fact, pathetic. It causes offence. It renders me a bit of a bastard. What is important though, is that if you have a wonderful idea, then don't just dismiss it. Don't let it fly away like something that flies away briskly when you throw something at it.

Matt

Carrot

Cheers,

Dear Matt,

Anon, second year

My housemates make me so miserable. They ignore me constantly, never have anything nice to say to me and do things on the sly. Last week I had rotten carrots thrown in my room, and the week before that they all turned my furniture upside down, managing to break my lamp and mess up a load of work I’d done for my course. It’s not fair and I’m fucking fed up.

What can I do to sort it out?

It’s making me consider leaving uni.

Poor you. In times such as these described, there remains only a few possible solutions. One, run away. Two, put your fingers in your ears and say “mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer fuck mer mer mer mer mer off mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer mer I mer mer mer hate mer mer mer you mer mer mer mer mer mer.”

That’s what I do, you see, when I want to ignore shit heads like

you. It makes me want to dance and sing and smoke crack on a skyscraper, whilst simultaneously making me want to cut a massive hole in my head, lobotomise myself and run around naked with a shotgun. Don’t leave uni, it’s fun! You get free money! You can get a degree too! Hmm. Aye, at least they weren’t turnips they really smell after a few weeks of rigor mortis, and if you’d have had a loaf of bread waffled through your window you’d be looking at a yeast based infection and subsequent damage to your carpet. So feel lucky.

Matt

Listings

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March 15 2004

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman

Monday15/03

Tuesday16/03

Wednesday17/03

Thursday18/03

Fun Factory @ SU 9-2am. Free (NUS).

Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry.

Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play. 8pm £1.50.

Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and cheerful chart night.

7.30pm-2am £1.50/3.

DJ Mix selector @ Sam’s Bar Live turntable action £3.

Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC Bar at 8pm, film at 9pm.

Coordinated @ Amber Lounge New night of house, breaks, funk, soul and disco with Gareth Davies and Mr Potter.

7pm-11pm, £1 (NUS).

Pyrotech @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm Sgript Cymru Contemporary Drama Wales @ Chapter Arts Centre Ghost City, by Gary Owen.

Gary Owen’s award-winning first play, Crazy Gary's Mobile Disco, left audiences wide-eyed and energised. Now, that Crazy is bottled and served up in Ghost City - a dark, empowering and sexy live performance underscored by free jazz and electronica. Get ready to see Cardiff stripped of its graffiti and hubbub, leaving what's important behind, its people. This will be street talk, literally.

In 24 little hours on our streets, anything could happen. There are moments when you just get a sudden, unexpected feeling that you know something. You'll get those moments in Ghost City.

Mon-Sat 8pm £7.50/£5 TICKET OFFER 3 tickets for the price of 2 on Monday 15.

Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm. Show 9pm £3.50 (NUS) Bounce @ Barfly Drum and bass. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors 9pm £2.50 (NUS).

Superstition @ Moloko Motown, soul, nujazz, disco, funk. Bar till 2am happy hour drinks all night. Free entry.

Offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P. £1 bottles and shots.

No dress code 9pm-3am. Free before 11, £1.50 after.

Open Mic Night @ The Toucan Relaxed setting. £1 from 9pm.

A Doll's House @ The New Theatre Starring Tara Fitzgerald.

Nora is everything a man could desire; a loving, loyal wife and wonderful mother. Her husband has just landed a job finally giving the family financial security. Nora couldn't be happier. Yet, as characters from the past enter the cheerful family home, cracks gradually appear on its facade. And as the brutal outside world finally bears down, an intense struggle develops between love and truth, honour and betrayal, and finally, between a desperate husband and his once innocent wife.

Today till Sat. 7.30pm; Thurs & Sat. Matinees 2.30pm. Student standby tickets on the night from 6pm.

Oh Hello @ The Sherman theatre Venue 2 The Torch Theatre will be presenting the story of Carry On star Charles Hawtrey. An eccentric and underrated comedian, Hawtrey felt that his status deserved a higher billing in the films and resulted in a long running dispute and his eventual walk-out. Written and performed by Dave Ainsworth this interesting insight into his life follows him right up to his eventual death as an alcoholic recluse. 8pm £10/£8 Sonic Mook Experiment Tour @ Barfly Featuring THE MARTINI HENRY RIFLES, Black Wire, Sammo Hung, Ten Minutes With My Dad, Dj's Disastronaut and Sean Mclusky. £5 ADV.

Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…?

12noon-2:30pm. Free.

Express @ Barfly Express hip-hop xtra with MC Ruffstylez (Freestyle World Record Holder) .

Party hip-hop, turntablists and breakdancers 9pm-1am £3 (NUS).

All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesy Club: motown, funk, disco Popscene: Indie Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!!

What more could you want?

9.30pm £2.50 (NUS).

Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am £2.

Simple @ The Philharmonic Free.

Cheapskates @ Metros It may be a little dark cave but don’t let that put you off. This really is a legendary night...Go on, get yourself a musical education! Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code. 9pm-2am.

Boomshanka @ The Toucan (Downstairs) The new night at the Toucan dedicated to late 60s/70s acoustic soul and hippy funk with a sensational new session band backing special guests as well as DJs playing anything from Crosby Stills & Nash to Little Feat, Joni Mitchell and The Beach Boys.

Wednesdays @ Moloko.

NEW! Weekly nights of of raunchy electro, dirty beats, mash-ups, punk funk and mayhem.

Rocknight @ Barfly Classic rock night. 11pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Live @ Barfly Horse Doors: 8pm £15 adv.

Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, dub, ska.

Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS).

Amplify presents… @ Clwb Ifor Bach People In Planes / tbc £4/3/2 8pm-11pm.

Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB, breaks.

Drinks promotions all night. 9pm-2am. Free before 11, £1 after.

Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and RnB. 9pm-2am £2 (NUS).

Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats. 9pm-3am.

Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, ska, reggae.

Andy Zaltzman, Kevin McCarthy, Ian Stone, Paul Sinha @ Glee club £10.95 incl. food or £5.50 just for the laughs.

Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Playing an even more diverse selection of tunes pretty much anything other than chart or dance music really. 8.30pm- 2am. Free.

The Super Furry Animals- DJs present ‘Rubbish’ @ The Toucan Super Furries DJ concept now resident to Thursday nights at the Toucan. Come and check out some of Wales’ finest spinning some seriously dodgy tunes but mixing them beyond recognition and transforming them in their own extreme way.

Dockrad Presents @ TheToucan Superb up and coming bands on the Welsh scene showcased. Is showcased a word?

DJ Ammon @ Journeys She’s been doing her unique brand of mashed-up electronica on the live-scene for just over a year now, with regular shows at Clwb Ifor Bach. Her recordings have madwe a buzz, with airplay on BBC Radio Wales and the like.

The People's Prom @ St. David’s Hall Royal Philharmonic Orchestra A really fantastic programme. Including: Tchaikovsky: Overture, Romeo And Juliet, Vivaldi: Winter From The Four Seasons, Rimsky Korsakov: Capriccio Espagnol, Saint-Saëns: Symphony No 3 (Organ). So you have Shakespeare, a season, Spain and er… Babe the Sheep-pig! 7.30pm From £5.

Listings

March 15 2004

Page 35

grlistings@cf.ac.uk

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy

Friday19/03 Mad4it @ Barfly Indie classics, baggy beats, party tunes, legendary sounds. With the Vines album playback and giveaway!!!

10.30pm-2am £3.

Live @ Barfly Jonah, Three Children Of Fortune, Eric Doors: 8pm £4 Adv. Full Fat @ Moloko Full flavoured party, funk, hip-hop, breakbeats, motown, retro disco, and electro boogie. Is there anything they don’t play? Free before 11pm.

Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am.

Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and good grooves. 8pm-2am.

Free.

The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Indie, retro, legendary sounds. 10.00pm £3.

Silent Running @ Clwb Ifor Bach With Total Science & DJ Clipz 10.00pm.

Feva @ Owain Glyndwr Sexy R n B, classic soul.

8pm – 2am. £2. Every Friday and Saturday.

Dancing In The Streets @ St. David’s Hall Original Motown stars Martha Reeves and Jimmy Ruffin bring you a spectacular celebration of music from the heart of the Motor City.

Together with a full supporting company of singers, dancers and the Dancing In The Streets Band, they bring you hit after classic hit in one fantastic show.I Heard It Through The Grapevine, Baby Love, I’ll Be There, Tears of a Clown, Dancing in the Street and many more.

7.30pm. From £15.50.

Stop it I Like it! @ The Toucan One of the newest promoters to join the Toucan family presents RODNEY P –Radio one Extra’s hip hop ambassador in conjunction with One Extra!.

Where?

Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place,02920 878889.

The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay,02920 256757 CBAT Gallery 123 Bute Street, 029 2048 8772 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951.

Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 12920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs Stylus

Saturday20/03

Sunday21/03

Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco.

10:30pm-2am £3 (NUS) Live @ Barfly Jon Kennedy (Grand Central) full live band, Dynamo Dresden. Doors: 8pm. £7.

Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Zabrinski, Brave Captain £5 . 8pm-11pm.

The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Alternative hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk and punk with Osymyso. Doors: 11.30pm £3 (NUS).

Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues. Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm.

Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky indie and baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro.

9pm-3am.

Saturdays R Sexy @ Owain Glyndwr More R’n’B than you can shake a stick at. With Vibe 101’s DJ Raheem on the Turntables. Strict dress code applies on both nights: no hoods, caps, trainers, gents must wear a collar. They say: ‘This is a new venue so make an effort !’

8-2am. Free b4 8.30pm, £1 b4 9pm, £2 b4 10pm, £3 b4 11pm, £4 after. Got that?

Reload Sessions @ Oz Bar Basement Breakbeat, hih-hop DnB. 8pm. Free entry.

Saturdays @ Stylus Sexy, funky house. Most Saturdays. 10pm – 4am £10 / £8.

Try Gamelan @ St. David’s Hall Ivor Novello Room. The whole family can enjoy beautiful bronze Javanese percussion instruments. The two hour practical sessions are fun and informative, offering something new whether you’re a keen instrumentalist or have no previous musical experience. 10.30am £2 (NUS).

Bringing Home The Prodigals @ St. David’s Hall Take a look at probably the most powerful story Jesus Christ ever told, the parable of the prodigal son, in an evening of hope and encouragement for families everywhere. With inspiring music from a guest Spring Harvest worship leader. 7.30pm £5.

The Mothership Convention @ The Toucan The Residents return, ‘QUATTRO’ the clubs’ very own 7 piece funk ensemble. Featuring the talents of Diva Dionne and MC Funki Dregz. Lions on the decks and Krissy downstairs in the lounge.

Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub quiz kicks off at 7.30. £3 per team.

Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris. £3 Taboo@ Moloko World music till midnight.

Free entry.

Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry.

Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3.

Acoustic Bite @ Journeys Atmospheric acoustic.

11am-midnight.

A Night In The Company Of Bryn Terfel @ St. David’s Hall Television cameras will be present at this performance.

A special concert in the company of Bryn Terfel, Wales Urdd Choir and a host of other artists. This concert will be an exciting launch for the Urdd National Eisteddfod activities in 2005. (Im not quite sure what all this is about!) 7.30pm. From £20.

SAFETY @ The Toucan The SAFETY team return to celebrate the new moon with their own unique blend of drum n bass, ska, reggae and dub.

Live @ Barfly Cardiff Daniel Wylie (ex Cosmic Rough Riders) + The Magic.

Daniel Wylie, singer/songwriter and founder member of Cosmic Rough Riders returns in March with his first new material since leaving CRR in 2002. 'Ramshackle Beauty’ is released on 29th March through Measured Records, and is preceded by his debut single. £6 adv.

Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millenium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millenium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary Henry’s

Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (Gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street The Owain Glyndwr (Formerly RSVP).

St Johns Street

CinemaWeek The Barbarian Invasions (Les Invasions Barbares) Denys Arcand’s latest reunites characters from his 1986 film The Decline of the American Empire. When Rémy, divorced and in his early fifties, is hospitalised, his son Sébastien reunites the merry band that marked Rémy's past around his father's bedside: relatives, friends and former mistresses. What have they become in this age of "barbarian invasions"? Are the old irreverence, friendship and truculence still there?

Do humour, hedonism and desire still inhabit their dreams? Chapter Cinema 2 Mon + Tues: 9pm, Wed + Thurs: 6.30pm Blind Shaft In remote rural China, two peasants make a living by travelling from one desolate mining village to another, pulling the same scam. As they set up their latest victim, a naïve teenager, their partnership unravels in a welter of jealousy, mistrust and paranoia. Part utterly gripping thriller, part grittily realistic portrait of a forgotten corner of China’s new economic miracle where life is cheap. Cinema 2.

Fri + Sat: 8.30pm The Last Train Determined not to let the last steam train in the country be shipped to Hollywood, three old men steal the train and set off across country pursued by the owner and the police. As they travel across the rolling plains and scrubby hills their stand becomes a cause célèbre. A warm-hearted movie, beautifully played from a sharp script that stays just the right side of sentimental.

Nominated for the Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film 2002. Chapter Cinema 2 Fri + Sat: 6.30pm Benzina Benzina is the story of lovers Lenni – blonde with a conventional life and a super-bourgeois mother – and Stella – black hair, a chaotic life and no family. They live in blissful isolation in a remote petrol station, but the shadow of Lenni’s mother hovers over their life and their desire to escape. Then one night an accident – or maybe a crime – spirals into a desperate journey. As they try to decide where to go, what to do next, and how to get rid of an inconvenient corpse, Lenni and Stella’s relationship is tested to the limits.

Chapter Cinema 2 Sun: 6.30pm, 8.30pm.

CinemaWeek Chapter Arts Centre The Dreamers The Dreamers is a story of self discovery in which three students test each other to see how far they each will go.

Left alone in Paris while their parents are on holiday, brother and sister Theo and Isabelle invite fellow student Matthew, a young American, to stay at their apartment. Here they make their own rules as they experiment with each other’s emotions and sexuality, playing a series of increasingly demanding mind games.

Chapter Cinema 1 Mon + Tue: 6.15pm Wed: 2.40pm, 6.15pm Thurs: 6.15pm.

Trilogy. Three: After Life (Après La Vie) The final, and most emotional film in the trilogy focuses on the cop and his wife who appeared in the first instalment. Pascal is devoted enough to keep his wife Agnès supplied with morphine but his dealer issues him with an ultimatum; he must shoot escaped terrorist Bruno. While Pascal wrestles with his conscience, Agnès is forced to roam the streets in search of a hit.

Chapter Cinema 1 Mon – Thurs 8.30pm.

Amandla! With rapid cutting, vibrant colours and wall-to-wall music, this extraordinary documentary points to the central role that music – in the street, on records, in prison and in exile – played in black South Africa’s long struggle for liberation from 1948 to 1994 (the year of Nelson Mandela’s victory in the first full elections).

Amandla is the Xhosa word for power, and the film certainly lives up to its name. Chapter Cinema 1 Fri and Sat: 6.15pm Osama A brutally authentic portrait of life for ordinary Afghanis, particularly women, this first feature from post-Taliban Afghanistan is a searing experience that attempts to express the enormity of the impact of recent history. With the Taliban in power a widow reluctantly disguises her daughter as a boy so that at least one member of the family can earn a living. But the ‘boy’ is soon dragged off for religious instruction and military training.

Chapter Cinema 1 Fri + Sat: 8.30pm Sun: 8pm.

Kirikou and the Sorceress Inspired by the folk stories of Senegal, Kirikou and the Sorceress introduces the world’s youngest hero!

Glittering with stolen gold and exuding malevolence, sorceress Karaba has eaten the menfolk of a small tribe. No one seems able to stop her until a remarkable baby is born in the village.

Encouraged by his grandfather, Kirikou disarms the sorceress by discovering the cause of her own pain.

Kirikou and the Sorceress is a picture book in motion, with beautiful images taken from the art and nature of West Africa, and a soundtrack by internationally renowned musician Youssou N’Dour. From emerald jungles to the glowing hellfire of Karaba’s lair, Kirikou’s world is a kaleidoscope of joyous colour. Chapter Cinema 1 Sat: 3pm.

Not One Less Thirteen-year-old Minzhi is left in charge of the school temporarily in her remote village, with the instruction that there must not be so much as one student less when the teacher returns. So when class rebel, Huike runs away to look for work in the big city, Minzhi resolves to follow him and bring him back. A deceptively simple and moving tale in which non-professionals, using their own names, play the characters.

Chapter Cinema 1 Sun: 5pm. ll Quiet on the Western Front new print The film follows the fortunes of a group of young German soldiers in the First World War, detailing the gradual erosion of their idealism to bitterness and despair as they move from parade ground to battlefield. On its release in 1930, it caused an immediate sensation and remains a devastating indictment of the horrors of war. The uncut version of the film, restored by the Library of Congress Motion Picture Conservation Center, is widely available for the first time in the UK thanks to this new print from the BFI. Chapter Cinema 2 Mon + Tues: 6.30pm Wed: 8.40pm Thurs: 2.30pm, 8.40pm.

“

It’s so close to the end, I just can’t take it anymore!

Go-Karting

”

Beca Murphy, March 2004 Meet the new AU president

Issue 759 15 March 2004 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: grsport@cf.ac.uk Website: www.gairrhydd.net

page 37

page 39

Mark Dunn - Sport Folio. Page 37

IMG results. Below Page 36

ROUND-UP IMG FOOTBALL RESULTS NETBALL IMG

Premiership

Netball Results 10/03/04

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

4

1

1

7

13

2 Law A

6 5

4

0

1

12

3 Mathletico Mad.

5

4

0

1

8

12 12

4 Gym Gym

5

2

1

2

-1

7

5 FC Real

2

1

3

-2

7

6 Afro Caribbean

6 5

1

2

2

-2

5

7 Carbs A

6

1

2

3

-9

8 Earth Soc

6

0

1

5

-13

5 1

Premier CARDIFF UNIVERSITY B 3 - 23 PHARMACY A LAW A 11 - 12 COMSOC ECONOMICS 2 - 22 PSYCHOLOGY CARDIFF UNIVERSITY A 22 - 11 LAW B First CARDIFF UNIVERSITY C 2 - 23 CHEMSOC CPLAN 2 - 17 GYM GYM CARBS B 13 - 16 CARBS A MARINES 13 - 4 MEDICS Second SOCSI 13 - 4 OPTOMETRY A CHRISTIAN UNION 10 - 14 PHARMACY B ENGLISH SOC. 3 - 6 OPTOMETRY B XPRESS RADIO 3 - 7 SAWSA

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Economics

6

4

2

0

8

14

2 Christian Union

6

4

1

1

11

13

3 Jomec

6

2

2

2

2

8

4 Chemsoc

6

2

2

2

-4

8

5 Lokomotiv Engin

5

1

3

1

2

6

6 Accountancy

6

2

0

4

-5

6

7 John Jenkins

5

1

1

3

--6

4

8 Irish FC

6

1

1

4

-8

4

Pos 1 Momed

I MG Pos

Division 1

I MG Pos

Division 2 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Account. Stanley

6

5

0

1

6

15

2 The George

5

4

0

1

15

12

3 Uni Hallstars

5

3

0

2

2

9

4 Myg Myg

5

2

1

2

1

7

5 AFC History

5

2

1

2

-1

7

6 Athletico Roy

6

1

1

4

-4

4

7 Law B

5

1

1

3

-7

8 Bute Park Utd

5

1

0

4

-9

I MG Pos

IMG

Premiership

Pos

P

W

D

L

GD

7

0

0

72

21

2 Cardiff Uni A

7 6

4

0

2

32

3 Law A

7

4

0

3

16

12 12

4 Cardiff Uni B

6

3

1

2

2

10

5 Psychology 6 Comsoc

7 6

2 1

2 2

3 3

12 -31

8 5

7 Law B 8 Economics

7 6

1 1

1 0

5 5

-50 -37

4 3

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Carbs A

6

6

0

0

46

18

2 Carbs B

7

5

0

2

32

15

3 Gym Gym

6

4

0

2

35

12

4 The Marines

6

4

0

2

8

12

5 Chemsoc

6

3

0

3

38

9

6 Cardiff Uni C

7

3

0

4

-25

9

7 Medics

7

1

0

6

-46

3

8 CPlan

7

1

0

6

-76

3

1 Pharmacy A

I MG

Premier MOMED 4 - 2 FC REAL GYM GYM 1 - 0 AFRO-CARRIBEAN SOC. CARBS A 0 - 7 LAW A EARTH SOC. 1 - 3 MATHLETICO MADRID First LOKOMOTIV ENGIN 1 - 1 CHRISTIAN UNION CHEMSOC 1 - 1 JJFC JOMEC 0 - 3 ACCOUNTANCY IRISH FC 1 - 1 ECONOMICS Second THE GEORGE FC 6 - 1 AFC HISTORY UNI HALLSTARS 0 - 3 ACCOUNTINGTON STANLEY ATHLETICO ROY 5 - 0 LAW B BUTE PARK UTD FC 1 - 5 MYG MYG Third JAPSOC 5 - 1 ENGLISH SOC. CARBS B 2 - 2 CATHAYS FC PHARM AC 5 - 2 PLANDERLECHT XPRESSTON NORTHEND 2 - 2 OPTOMETRY

Pts

Division 1

Pos Football Results 10/03/04

By Beca Murphy IMG Chair

I MG

Division 2

Pos

P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Socsi

7

6

0

1

28

18

2 Pharmacy B

7

5

0

2

15

15

3 Optometry A

7

4

0

3

17

12

4 Christian union

7

4

0

3

7

12

5 Optometry B

6

4

0

2

4

12

6 English Soc

7

2

1

4

0

7

4

7 Sawsa

7

1

1

5

-19

4

3

8 Xpress Radio

6

0

0

6

-60

0

Division 3 P

W

D

L

GD

Pts

1 Pharm AC

6

4

1

1

14

13

2 Optometry

6

3

2

1

12

11

3 Cathays FC

5

3

2

0

6

11

4 Carbs B

6

3

1

2

6

5 Japsoc

6

2

1

3

8

10 7

6 Planderlecht

6

2

1

3

-5

7

7 English Soc

6

1

0

5

-25

3

8 Xpresston NE

5

0

2

3

-7

2

Football Fixtures

LAW A v FC REAL

These fixtures are the matches that were washed out in week two

JOHN JENKINS FC v ECONOMICS

AFRO-CARIBBEAN SOC. v MOMED CARBS A v MATHLETICO MADRID GYM GYM v EARTH SOC.

CHEMSOC v ACCOUNTANCY LOKOMOTIV ENGIN v IRISH FC CHRISTIAN UNION v JOMEC BUTE PARK UTD FC v THE GEORGE FC

ATHLETICO ROY v UNI HALLSTARS LAW B v AFC HISTORY MYG MYG v ACCOUNTINGTON STANLEY PLANDERLECHT v OPTOMETRY PHARM AC v CATHAYS FC

JAPSOC v XPRESSTON NORTHEND ENGLISH SOC. v CARBS B

2pm XPRESS RADIO v OPTOMOTRY B TALYBONT 2.30pm

WELL, IT’S SO close to the end, and I just can’t take it anymore!

There are six netball matches left, but they won’t make much of a difference to the tables.

Pharmacy A notched up an awesome result against Cardiff Uni B, a 23–3 win. Tina Birkby has led the girls well all year and they rightly deserve the crown of IMG netball champions. Xpress played their closest game to date against Sawsa, managing a win by eight goals to seven. The same can be said about the Comsoc v Law A match, the match resulting in a 12–11 win to Comsoc. Chemsoc notched up an impressive 23 goals against Cardiff Uni C; meanwhile, Psychology managed an impressive 22 goals against Economics’ two.

Carbs A just beat their Bs by a three goal difference, meaning that they win their division title this year.

Cplan and Gym Gym managed to giggle their way through their match, resulting in a 17–2 win.

Each football division had their own little trauma, apart from the Third who carried on as normal – English Soc lost! Second division decided that they weren’t going to stick to the fixture list and just played in a random roundabout way; Athletico Roy, The George, Myg Myg and Accountington Stanley all won and as long as they all know who they’re meant to play next week then everything is fine.

First division saw three one-all draws and an own goal – marvellous stuff. Coming soon, the IMG Awards 2004.

BUSA Results

Lacrosse 1st Team Shield: Netball Fixtures C.U. A v Liverpool 1st 14 - 12 Cardiff 1st ECONOMICS v C.U. B Water Polo Men's Championship COMSOC TALYBONT TALYBONT 3pm Semi-Final 2: 1.30pm Cardiff 1st 3 - 3 Oxford 1st GYM GYM v Leeds 1st 3 - 15 Cardiff 1st MARINES v CHEMSOC Birmingham 1st 6 - 6 Cardiff 1st CARBS 'A' TALYBONT TALYBONT 3.30pm Water Polo Women’s Championship Semi-Final 2: Bath 1st 1 - 9 Cardiff 1st Warwick 1st 0 - 4 Cardiff 1st with a consolation goal in the Cardiff 1st 14 - 3 Edinburgh 1st game’s closing stages. It was a goal that showed what might have Men’s Water Polo been for English as Toby Crimmins P W D L GD Pts pounced on a mistimed pass to Pos score arguably the goal of the 1 Oxford 1st 3 2 1 0 4 7 game, glancing the ball in off the 2 Cardiff 1st 3 1 2 0 12 5 post with 15 minutes to go.

3 Bir’ham 1st 3 1 1 1 4 4 English Society began to knock the ball around with more convic- 4 Leeds 1st 3 0 0 3 -20 0 tion in the last 10 minutes but W omen’s Water Polo lacked the invention to double their tally.

P W D L GD Pts At the end of 90 minutes the Pos final score reflected the clear gulf in 1 Cardiff 1st 3 3 0 0 23 9 quality between the two sides. 2 Warwick 1st 3 2 0 1 18 6 English Soc must now hope to win 3 Bath 1st 3 0 1 2 -17 1 their final game to avoid the wood4 Edinb’gh 1st 3 0 1 2 -24 1 en spoon.

IMG FEATURED MATCH: Japsoc v English Society

By Matthew Viney Japsoc 5-1 English Society Entertainment value: 4/10 Japsoc: Dan Reeves 7, Paul Evans 7, Chi Rouse-Amadi 7, Mika Udoh 7, Luke Purse 7, Matthew Viney 6, Jamie Richmond 6, Olly Lake 8, James Collins 7, David Morgan 6, James Illbury 7.

English Society: Roger Faires 6, Ned Riley 6, Dan Mulgrew 6, Steve Wearne 6, Nick Febrer 6, Jamie Watkins 6, Jay botwright 7, Kris Laborde 6, Toby Crimmins 7, Gareth Ellis 6, Ant Pope 6.

Star Man: Olly Lake

WITH BOTH SIDES at the wrong end of the third division this game was about pride more than points.

And it was Japsoc who emerged the prouder of the two teams in a scrappy but one-sided contest.

Japsoc had most of the early possession and predictably took a 15th minute lead when Jamie Richmond raced on to Paul Evans’ precise long range pass, slotting the ball neatly past Roger Faires.

Japsoc’s second goal came just over 10 minutes later from David Morgan’s hard but hopeful half volley. It had little pace but bounced awkwardly under Faires’ dive.

A third goal just before half time effectively ended the game as a

contest. It was Japsoc’s James Illbury who came up with the goods, heading home just before the break from James Collins’ corner.

English failed to mount any sort of comeback in the opening minutes of the second half and Japsoc added to their total five minutes in.

The reward for a bright spell of play came in the form of substitute Andy Marsh’s bizarre effort. His corner evaded everyone in the box, including the keeper and crept over the line. Substitute and captain Andrew Saunders added another on 67 minutes as the game slowed down to training game pace.

To their credit, English Society kept battling and were rewarded

BUSA

BUSA

Sport

March 15 2004

Page 37

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Cole digs deep to win

Personal best for Lewis

By John Stanton Deputy Sports Editor

PHOTO: Kirsty Monaghan

James Cole is new AU President

By Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Editor JAMES COLE has been named as the man responsible for shaping Cardiff University’s sporting fortunes next year.

First XV rugby captain Cole held off strong competition to be elected Athletic Union President for the forthcoming season and was ecstatic with the result.

“It feels brilliant and it is such a relief that all the campaigning has not been for nothing. This university has huge sporting potential waiting to be realised.”

Cole’s f irst task will be to ensure the smooth integration of sports players and clubs arriving from the recent merger with the College of Medicine.

“It is going to be difficult with the new set-up and key to my plans at this stage are to secure the use of more facilities and professionalise the clubs, ensuring Cardiff are pushing for honours in all sports.”

Cole, who has led the rugby team to the brink of promotion this season, is already earmarking the qualities he hopes will bring him success in the new role: “I am easy-going, approachable and

GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT FOCUS - GR SPORT

GR SPORT FOLIO Mark Dunn University Hockey Team

By Thom Airs HOCKEY IS WIDELY perceived as a sport forced upon girls on wintry afternoons on school playing fields throughout the land.

Not so according to Men’s Hockey Firsts captain Mark Dunn: "This year we’ve had sufficient numbers for five teams, the demand to play has been great."

Dunn, now in his final year at Cardiff, has led the team for the past two seasons having been introduced to the sport at the age of seven: "It

was either hockey or rugby and as my mum didn’t want me getting hurt I joined a local hockey club."

Since that early career crossroads the Business Administration student has done well in the world of short corners and Astroturf.

Despite recently losing his bid to become AU president Dunn, is philosophical.

"Well, it means I’m going to have to leave Cardiff and get a job," he remarks with a wry smile.

Away from politics the 21-year-old

have good personal skills and so I hope these can help me liaise with the clubs and ensure the continued success of our sports teams.

“Tom Brown has done a brilliant job this year in the role, and I hope I continue this good work.”

Work on restructuring sport in the university will begin in September and Cole has already indicated his confidence ahead of the challenge.

“I have the professional experience of getting things done and believe that I can not only improve the standard of sport in the university, but also raise its profile outside of BUSA circles.”

talks passionately of his time in Cardiff ’s high-achieving hockey setup: "The AU have been great, they’ve provided us with the funding to appoint a very good coach and they’ve helped with our kit."

Everything appears rosy for Cardiff ’s hockey players with Dunn particularly impressed with the integration between men and women’s teams: "We all socialise together, going for a drink before Rubber Duck. This year’s freshers have all bonded really well, there’s a great team spirit."

Under the guidance of Dunn, who was selected for England as a teenager, all four of the university’s teams have done well in this season’s BUSA events, "The Firsts came third in the BUSA league and we’re in the semifinals of both the Welsh Cup and Welsh Unis’ Cup. Our Fourths have also had a really good season, losing just twice so far."

Recruitment for the teams has also been boosted by a concerted effort at the Freshers’ Fair back in September: "We really tried hard to get people to sign up; we could have had five teams had it not been for the fact that these things need to be registered early on.

THE PAST FORTNIGHT has seen Cardiff University’s Commonwealth Games veteran Natalie Lewis slash her 800m personal best by 2.5 seconds, storming to victory in the BUSA Indoor Championships at the National Indoor Athletics Centre in Cardiff.

The feat is particularly remarkable as the event is not her recognised first-choice distance.

“My main event is really the 1,500m and that was what I competed in for Great Britain under 23s last year in the European Under 23 Championships,” said Lewis.

“I thought that, for a bit of a change, I would run the 800m which is what I used to do when I was younger anyway.

“I was hoping for some good competition but a couple of the best girls from Loughborough dropped out so I was on my own really.

“I won my heat and my semi so I just thought that I’d have to go for it on my own for pace.

“I knew that the Championship best was 2mins 7.76secs so I just went for it. I won in 2mins 7.8secs but for me that was a personal best indoors which was good seeing as I did it on my own.”

This achievement marks a pause in competitive action for the Cardiff Amateur Athletics Club star, who will now concentrate fully on success off the track as she focuses on completing her French and Welsh degree.

Future aspirations to undertake a postgraduate degree in Broadcast Journalism will have to be finely balanced with Lewis’s continuous pursuit of success on the track.

“My next big goal will be the World Student Championships and Hopefully next year’s hockey squad will contain five teams."

With the use of Talybont’s allweather pitches, all four of Cardiff ’s men’s teams enjoy conditions far removed from undulating school pitches and even benefit from some infamous socials. Mark, originally from Hampshire, laughs and takes a somewhat enigmatic tone when I mention the reputation of the ‘initiations’. "It’s a good way to meet each other," he deadpans.

Dunn may appear to have shrugged off his defeat in the union elections but I sense that leaving Cardiff hockey will be a quite a wrench: "I’ve really enjoyed my time here. In my first year as captain a lot of the older lads helped me out so I was never on my own, and this has continued this year with the younger boys all chipping in."

As for the future, Mark is confident of continuing with the sport. He admits that his call-up to the England squad at 16 was "probably the pinnacle" of his career but he asserts that, "My future definitely involves hockey. Hopefully I’ll play national league next year, but whatever I do it will involve hockey."

then I’ll have a break from education and give my training a year before the Melbourne Commonwealth Games in 2006.”

Surf’s up Story continued from BACK Saturday also saw the exit of the last of Cardiff ’s B team as Tom Brown was knocked out in round three. Sunday was the final day of competition and with four of the boys still in it, Cardiff were standing in third. But the small conditions and heavy nights didn’t suit Josh Holden and Ollie Badam’s style of surf ing and the boys dropped out in the quarter-final, leaving favourite James Hicks and world longboarding number 20 Elliot Dudley to take Cardiff through to the semi-finals.

The draw pitted the two surfers against each other in heat one of the semi-finals. But some top class surfing saw them both advance to the final coming first and second respectively in their heat.

The women’s team were also shredding with Niamh Hyslop and Emily in the semi-final; unfortunately, with the dying surf Niamh found it hard to recreate the standard of surfing she had shown in the previous rounds and bowed out, leaving Emily to take Cardiff into another final.

The women’s final was an anticlimax as the waves seemed to disappear, giving Emily no chance to show off her talent; she finished third overall.

It was a different story in the men’s f inal as Billabong rider James showed he was a cut above the rest, generating immense speed and flowing turns in the mushy surf. Oxbow-sponsored Elliot also surfed superbly and was unlucky not to pick up second place.

With a first and two thirds in the finals and quarter- or semi-final places for the rest of the team, both Cardiff men’s and women’s came second in the team event leaving them with 19 BUSA points, the highest number taken home by any university. It is clear to see that Cardiff University is a dominant force on the surfing circuit, and we will be back next year to collect gold.

Board stupid? I think not

Sport

Page 38

March 15 2004

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Jumpin’ Jack flash EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW

By David Williams Sports Editor JUST OVER A year ago, British sport and the world of athletics said a fond farewell to one of its most successful and popular sportsmen.

A fifth placed finish in the World Indoor Championships 110m hurdles brought the curtain down on the career of Colin Jackson after 18 years as a professional athlete.

The Welshman’s list of achievements reads like a compendium of statistics that any athlete of the modern era would be proud of.

From a bronze medal at the 1987 World Championships in Rome to a record-breaking fourth consecutive European title in 2002, the high hurdler’s CV also includes numerous records that

“Until the day I retired, I didn’t think I’d done anything that spectacular”

have made him an example for future generations of athletes to aspire to.

Twelve months after hanging up his spikes, Jackson is still getting used to life away from the track.

"It’s different, which makes it interesting. I don’t have much time to do as many things as I thought I was going to do.

"I see much more athletics now. When you are competing you don’t see any of your sport. You come in an hour and a half before your event, warm up, compete, and then go back to your hotel, so you don’t see that much of athletics.

"Now I have the opportunity to see it all the time so I enjoy it that much more."

Unlike former Great Britain teammate Linford Christie, Jackson has opted against going into coaching, a route taken by many ex-pros.

Not even the success of Christie, who co-founded the sports agency Nuff Respect with Jackson in the early 1990s, is enough to tempt the double world champion, who coached 400m runner Jamie Baulch in the early part of his career.

Jackson on . . . drugs The result was, however, reversed The ban handed to Dwain Chambers for the use of the drug as Christie kept his silver medal after THG has recently rocked the ath- initially finishing third behind disletics community, but according to graced Ben Johnson and eventual winColin Jackson, the British sprinter ner Carl Lewis.

And, despite the spate of scandals is just one in a long line of potenrecently reported in the press, Jackson tial drug-users.

"There is no doubt whatsoever that feels that, if anything, testing was more efficient in his day when ‘ranpeople are taking drugs."

Jackson though is now looking for a dom’ testing was something of a misquick resolution to the matter, which nomer.

"It was probably stricter when I was has cast a shadow over the sport for competing because there were fewer the last few years.

"I haven’t been really that interested nations to test.

"They seemed to test the same peoin it.

"Unfortunately for us, it’s not big ple all the time. I used to think that I was the only ‘J’ on news within the the so-called ransport anymore. To dom dope testing me, he was busted list because Jackson in August, we are came up a lot to be now in March, so I tested." feel we just need to Ultimately, the move on. t w o - t i m e "I’m glad that C o m m o n we a l t h they’ve made a gold medallist feels stance. It was that the ban of important. I know Chambers and athDwain personally and I feel a bit sorry Banned drug user Chambers letes in similar cases means that the for him to be the sport is dealing with the problem in person who’s caught up in it."

This isn’t the first time that Jackson the right way.

"When they do catch people it is for has had first hand experience of drug the good of the sport. cases in athletics.

"It means that they are doing their During the 1988 Seoul Olympics he was Linford Christie’s roommate job and it’s important that they do keep when the 100m runner discovered he testing going.

"People shouldn’t lose faith, if anyhad been tested positive for a banned thing they should gain confidence." substance.

"It’s a full-time position to do something like that. You’ve got someone’s whole career in your hands.

"I couldn’t coach grass roots athletes because it would be difficult to commit the time.

"Established athletes are much easier to coach because they already have the motivation to go out there and work on their own when they need to."

“Good athletes don’t necessarily make good coaches” Although a coaching role has not entirely been ruled out, a return to the sport as a competitor is definitely not on the cards, despite the stagnation of the men’s high hurdles.

"I don’t think there is one ounce of competitive spirit left in me. I think athletics dragged it all out of me."

The dominance of current World Champion Allen Johnson and Olympic gold medallist Anier Garcia has seen Jackson’s event become all too predictable in recent years, with the magical 13 second time barrier becoming a distant dream for even the top runners.

And it’s something that Jackson is concerned about.

"It’s worse than it was when I was up and coming. The world standard is nowhere near as high as it was.

"At the height of my career I had to deal with people who ran 13 seconds flat or 13.1. I think sixth or seventh in the world would be a time that Allen (Johnson) won the World Championships with last year."

The British athletics scene is also a cause for concern for Jackson. His new vantage point as a BBC pundit has given him the chance to view the development of the sport in the UK. The promise that appeared to have been given following the all round success of the Sydney Olympics now looks to have been put on the back burner.

With Jonathan Edwards also retiring and Steve Backley and Denise Lewis in the twilight of their careers, the immediate future of British track and field, according to Jackson, is not a rosy one.

"On performance levels, it is nowhere near as good as when I was competing. If you made a list of the highest achievers in the sport, most of them have retired now.

"You need people to be out there winning medals for us and once you get one or two then the rot should stop.

"The chances of gold medals in Athens is slim, but that’s the same with the whole world."

As well as his television punditry, Jackson has also featured on cult sports show Superstars and the talent search show Born To Win. But for most people he will be remembered as being one of the most respected and successful ambassadors for Welsh and British sport.

Jackson on . . . his career FEW SPORTSPEOPLE have made as much of an impact on their sport as Colin Jackson.

After bursting onto the scene at the 1985 European Junior Championships and claiming silver at the following year’s Commonwealth Games, the 110m hurdles top 10 list was never without the Welshman’s name at the top of it until his retirement.

From 1992 to 1994 he went on a record-breaking run of 44 consecutive wins - this after suffering heartbreak at the Barcelona Olympics where injury cost him the title he had dreamt of.

"When you are the fastest in the world by far and favourite, to catch a small injury that causes your performance to wane isn’t nice."

The highlight of his long and illustrious career came on a balmy night in Stuttgart in 1993. He blew the field away in a new world record-breaking time, silencing those who doubted his ability to cope with the pressure a year earlier.

"I went there to win it. The world record was always an added bonus.

"Breaking world records are always great because you are making history. They’ll surely be beaten at some stage.

"Now, if it’s beaten I can look at it more positively because I can’t do anything about it.

Four European and two Commonwealth titles followed but the magical Olympic gold eluded Jackson, with further finishes of fourth and fifth in Atlanta and Sydney respectively.

With Allen Johnson coming to the end of his career, Jackson’s outdoor world record of 12.91 and indoor

Winning the world title in 1993 record of 7.30 look as though they could be around for a long time.

His 23 major championship medals, including one in the relay, and record number of appearances in a British vest will cement his name in the annals of British sport for years, even decades, to come.

Sport

March 15 2004

Page 39

grsport@cf.ac.uk

Wright’s weird weekends

This week, Ben Wright goes to play korfball and tries out a sport which some might say is the poor man’s, or woman’s, basketball

“KORFBALL? WHAT THE fuck is Korfball isn’t as weird or strange as it that? Sounds like a Russian may seem.

It is a truly mixed sport as there venereal disease,” were the words of the photographer as I are four men and four women per went round to pick him up en team. And in a nutshell the rules go something like this. route to korfball training.

Two men and women are in the It may well have been a venereal disease for all I knew, as I had no attacking zone, and the other two are idea what the hell the sport was in the defending zone. It’s a non-contact sport, there’s no ‘travelling with about.

From first impressions, I was the ball’ (running with it when somewhat perplexed. There was what you’ve got the ball) and the object of looked like a wicker basket attached the sport? Place ball in wicker basket. to a flagpole.

Easy. Or at least it Surely some wag had pinched it should be, because after a night on after countless the tiles. Or was it attempts at shooting someone’s innovapractice, to say that I tive idea for the was a little wide of student elections? the mark would be Nope. perhaps too generIt was part of ous. the sport. A wicker Thankfully, the basket on a pole. ever-patient presiBut when club capdent Grace tain Ceri Jones, an Stimpson talked instantly likeable me through the and chatty fellow, techniques and explained that “it’s rules and gave the national sport in countless words of Holland”, it started n The wicker basket ma encouragement, to make sense. sometimes even I began to think that only a country that legalises through fits of laughter when my marijuana could come up with such a slant on the ‘figure of six’ style of shooting owed more to Morris dancbaffling sport.

But let’s get things straight. ing than the Dutch sport.

S t i m p s o n informed me that the “gayer I looked while shooting, the better.” Was this a compliment? But the laughter I witnessed while being there, whether at my expense or not, was brilliant to be a part of.

My marking of the opposite number during the match, club captain Jones, was not brilliant.

He moved more quickly than a child on E-numbers and additives, and every time I turned around to see where he was, the ball was being looped through the basket.

I tried to use the old football tactic of pulling at his shirt, but that couldn’t even stop him. As the game unfolded it made me realise the advantages of having men

and women playing the same sport.

The men were the ones doing the runs and footwork, whereas the women were the ones building up the passes and looking for openings.

And the whole concept of ‘throwing like a girl’ became mythical, as Social Secretary Amy Miskell was so prolific in her scoring that she made Alan Shearer seem as if he couldn’t hit a barn door from five yards away.

If that is what throwing like a girl is, then I’d be happy to be like it.

These struck me as people who enjoy doing a sport, but don’t take it too seriously.

They seem to have the right mix of dedication (which shows why they are one of the top five uni sides in the UK) but also an all-important sense of humour and fun.

“The mixed nature of the sport means that it’s relaxed and there’s no bitchiness like there is in netball,” Stimpson bluntly stated.

“I only started when I came to Cardiff Uni as there was no women’s basketball team when I arrived. And I’m glad there wasn’t,” she revealed with a proud smile emblazoned on her face.

The Cardiff University korfball team’s hassle-free attitude, especially when combined with the inclusion of both sexes within the rules of the game, means that it is a sport that anyone can join.

Pick up a copy of gair rhydd next week to see Ben joining another university sports club.

Left: Ben does his best impression of a ballerina as he learns the art of korfball

WOMEN’S WATER POLO

WATER RESULT CARDIFF WOMEN’S team blew away the competition to easily qualify for the BUSA finals.

It is only the second time in their history that they have made the finals but they will be supremely confident of winning the trophy after three outstanding performances in the semi-finals.

They opened the weekend with a resounding victory against last year’s finalists, Bath. Cardiff were always in control, with Emma James opening the scoring in the second minute.

A fantastic performance including three goals from Laura Smith saw Cardiff lead 6-0 at half-time.

They were able to ease off in the second half but were dealt a blow when captain Nicci Llewelyn was ejected from the game for three major fouls, but still scored three times to run out 91 winners.

Cardiff then expected a close battle against Warwick. A nervy start saw both sides go close before Laura Smith strruck first.

Further goals from Smith, James and Nicki Harris gave Cardiff a commanding 4-0 lead over one of the favourites for this year’s competition.

The second half saw Cardiff maintain the upper hand, although some good saves from goalkeeper Jo Barsby were required to keep Warwick off the score sheet.

By the time they played Edinburgh in the final, Cardiff had already qualified, so they used the match to give some of their squad players valuable water time. The game was played in good spirit as Cardiff cruised to a 14-3 victory.

The women will now be strong favourites to win the women’s title for the first time in their history.

They face London, Warwick and Loughborough in the finals which take place on March 27 and 28 at Nottingham University.

Chequered performance as Cardiff flag on circuit

By Robert Larque Karting Correspondent CARDIFF ONCE AGAIN experienced bad luck in round two of the British University Karting Championships in Hertfordshire.

As the B team scored more points than the A team at Round 1, a tactical decision was taken to swap the A team drivers into the B team and vice versa.

The uninspiring yet challenging Rye House circuit in Hertfordshire was the venue, and three great races from the B team saw them come away with an excellent and very promising eighth place.

The A team were hampered once again by bad luck and could only manage a disappointing 31st position.

Team captain Lloyd McGeochWilliams took first place and maximum points from his race, capitalising superbly on a front row start and never looking like relinquishing his lead after his pit stop.

James Lumley also put in a fault-

less performance from eighth on the grid to finish just off the podium in fourth, after coming off best following a race long battle with Leeds A. Ali McGeoch-Williams was somewhat unluckier but no less skilful, as he was caught up in a first lap accident and found himself at the back of the pack.

Some stylish overtaking and fast laps saw him haul his way back up to a creditable 14th position. The B team now lie in 18th place overall.

The A team left Rye House rueing their bad luck once again. Rob Larque was too conservative throughout and could only manage a 19th position.

Chris Williams was set for a good finish, setting some competitive lap times while lying 13th, but a spin towards the end of his race dropped him to 19th.

The worst of the luck was reserved for Alex Brown, though. Starting 15th, he had advanced to 10th place after five minutes before his chain snapped, forcing him to coast to the pits and hop into a replacement kart.

More mechanical gremlins slowed

him down, and Brown could do nothing to work his way up the order, eventually finishing 30th.

These combined results put the A team

in 37th position in the Championships.

Club President James Lumley said, "A great result for the B team gives us confidence as we reach the half way point in

It’s go, go, go for the Cardiff karting team

the championship. A top 10 final position is still very possible with four rounds still to go."

gair rhydd

MEET THE NEW AU SUPREMO

CATCHING UP WITH COLIN

GR Sport grab recently elected AU President James Cole See page 37

GR Sport chat with Welsh legend Colin Jackson See page 38

Surf’s up Cardiff surfers claim silver medal

By Nick Parnell Reporting from Newquay CARDIFF UNIVERSITY SURF Club have scooped a silver medal at the British Student Surfing Championships.

The championships saw 400 surfers from all over the country descend on the infamous Cornish town of Newquay and the world famous surf break of Fistral Beach to compete for the sport’s top prize.

The Cardiff teams, led by surf club president Eddy Ellaby, had high expectations and with a first team consisting of two sponsored riders and four top Pembrokeshire surfers, the team were confident of avenging last years poor team position of 12th.

The competition kicked off on

Friday morning in three to four foot-high surf and cross onshore winds. The Cardiff A team boys cruised easily through their first round heats. The B team didn’t fare as well, hindered by injury and some dubious decisions from the judges, leaving only two of the B team still in the competition.

Saturday saw the start of the women’s event. In ever-decreasing surf, Cardiff ’s strong team powered into the second round, led by Emily Hastings whose surfing was a cut above the rest.

While the women advanced, the boys were in cruise control as they took apart the competition, which was significantly stronger than last year.

Story continued on Page 37 PHOTO: NICK PARNELL

GAIR RHYDD AND QUENCH MAGAZINE ARE PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT SHARMANS IN PETERBOROUGH ■ GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHYDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■COBLEY GIVES TIT-WANKS■HAD YOUR SHOULDER DISLOCATED WHILE BEING FISTED BY AIRS? CONTACT GR OFFICE - WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU■

SPECIAL COVER GUIDE

Strike Special

SPECIAL COVER GUIDE

grnews@cf.ac.uk

Are employers happy to talk?

The central body responsible for pay argue their case

By By Jocelyn Prudence Chief Executive, UCEA First of all I want to reassure students that despite what they may have been told, UCEA have always been, and are still, happy to discuss with the AUT how their particular concerns can be addressed in implementation of the Framework. Indeed, constructive talks involving the TUC are currently taking place to find ways and means to end the industrial action.

ASSESSMENT BOYCOTT POSES UNWARRANTED THREAT TO STUDENTS We are particularly concerned about the potential impact of an assessment boycott on students, and have asked the AUT to call off this tactic which poses an unwarranted threat to you and your degree. Students have contacted us to say that they feel confused, upset and worried by the assessment boycott; and we have also asked the NUS to review its national policy of support for the AUT's assess-

ment boycott.

This particular tactic is not consequencefree. It hurts students very directly, and has potential impacts on them that could last well beyond the end of this dispute.

Students have no part in this dispute and do not deserve to be put under this level of threat. Additionally, this action is hurting the very people whose support the AUT have been calling on for their strike action.

The AUT claim they have been "forced" into a boycott of assessment.

They were not forced - there is always a choice. All of the other six higher education unions exercised their choice to stay at the negotiating table, rather than choosing a strategy of compromising students.

The AUT balloted on a range of 'action short of a strike', but they made a further choice to pursue this particular tactic.

THE NEED FOR PAY MODERNISATION IN HE Change is challenging, but higher educa-

tion pay structures date from the 1960s and are badly in need of updating. The new higher education pay Framework agreement followed two years of national negotiations involving representatives of all seven higher education trades unions including the AUT, and is the right way to modernise pay structures in the sector, retain national bargaining and enshrine the principle of equal pay for work of equal value.

Equal pay for work of equal value will be promoted through the introduction of job evaluation, which is accepted by unions and employers in all sectors as the way to achieve this.

THE UNIONS Four unions (Amicus, GMB, TGWU and UNISON), representing more than half of the 320,000 staff in the sector have already voted to accept the new pay framework, while another, NATFHE is balloting its members with the recommen-

dation to accept.

PAY INCREASES The new pay framework will result in pay increases totalling at least 6.5% by August 2004, with a further 1.2% on average when universities introduce new pay structures. For instance, the minimum salary on Lecturer A will increase by 12.1%, the maximum on Lecturer B by 8.5% and the maximum on Senior Lecturer by 9.2%. On top of that, there will be increases for some staff resulting from regradings associated with the introduction of new pay structures, which are likely to increase average earnings by an additional 3%-5%.

Additional contribution-related increases are also available.

OUR COMMITMENT UCEA is absolutely committed to achieving a timely and constructive resolution of this dispute.