Page 1



Ask Matt

gair rhydd never shys away from serious issues, as you can tell from our new problem page. What do you mean you’d rather call the Samaritans? p 31


free word - EST. 1972





It was a case of unlucky Wales again on Wednesday. gair rhydd analyses another Celtic disappointment p 33 - 36

KNIFE TERROR Robber threatens to stab student for wallet and phone

By John Collingridge News Editor A CARDIFF STUDENT was robbed early on Sunday morning as he returned home from work. The 19-year-old Cathays resident was walking along Churchill Way after a late bar shift. He was passing the Landmark Place steps near the British Gas building at 4.30am when a man

approached him demanding money. The student, who cannot be named, initially ignored the man but was told that he would be stabbed if he did not hand over his possessions. He had on him a Siemens mobile phone, watch and wallet containing bank and credit cards, all of which the attacker took. The suspect was black, aged 18 to 20, between 5ft 10 and 5ft 11, wear-

ing a baseball cap, grey hooded top and dark tracksuit trousers. Cardiff CID is investigating the robbery, reviewing both police operated scanning CCTV footage and local business security films. A CID spokesperson said, "The very violent and specific nature of this crime makes it crucial that we catch this man.”

Story continued on Page 2


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November 24 2003


a glance

News Editorial Icarus Politics Letters Listings Taf Od Media Jobs & Money grab! TV Listings Five Minute Fun Problem Page Sport

1 6 7 8 10 12 14 15 17 19 21 30 31 33

EDITOR Tristan Thomas DEPUTY EDITOR Alex Macpherson

ASSISTANT TO EDITOR Elaine Morgan NEWS Peter Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna Hodgekiss POLITICS Andrew Caldicott EDITORIAL AND OPINION Rhys James SPORT Riath Al-Samarrai, Dave Williams LISTINGS Hannah Muddiman TELEVISION Holly Howitt-Dring, Andy Parsons, John Widdop LETTERS James Anthony GRAB! Leigh Debbage TAF-OD Rhys Iorwerth, Dewi Llyr, Angharad George MEDIA Gary Andrews JOBS AND MONEY Nicola York FIVE MINUTE FUN Janine Jones COMEDY PROBLEM PAGE Matt Hill HEADS OF PHOTOGRAPHY Gemma Griffiths, Anastasia Nylund PROOF READERS Alys Southwood, Kerry-Lynne Doyle, Rob Sharples, Ros Dewey CONTRIBUTORS

Fariba Dashtgard, Kirsty Monaghan, Anna MacTaggart, Stephen Fishbourne, Mark Jenkins, Molly Forbes, Sylvia Traganida, Susan Doragh, Rosey Leech, Nicola York, Megan Green, Katy Starke, Laura Wright, Jim Sefton, AJ Silvers, Paul Dicken, Perri Lewis, Emily Knightley, Iwan Horan, Bec Storey, Andy Furniss, Robbie Lane, Alex Dove, Steph Eagleton, Jemima Wood, James Cooke, Ben Wright, Beca Murphy, Tom Gough, Thom Airs, Adam Lewis, Tim Canterbury, Tom Brown, Chris Finch, Gareth Keenan, John Tuscany, James Cole, Toby Rigden, Hywel Bevan

ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 02920 781436 ADVERTISING 0845 1300667 EMAIL VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union


CARDIFF - Wednesday By Anna Hodgekiss ANGRY PROTESTORS gathered at the Students’ Union last Wednesday to protest against US President George Bush’s visit to the UK. Over 100 students turned out for the march, equipped with banners, whistles and in one case, a pair of bongos. And the protesters certainly had more than enough to say. Armed with a banner, first year English Literature student Claire Kelly said, "I think George Bush stands for everything that’s wrong with the world. “He represents everything that people can do wrong and thinks he’s an exception to laws implemented to help everyone." After thanking everyone for attending at 1pm, Dave Reid of the Socialist Party verbally attacked Bush over his handling of the Iraq war. Event organiser, Adam Johannes from Stop The War coalition deemed the protest to be a great success. "I’m really pleased with the turnout," he said. "This is the beginning of the end of the project - we need to get the troops out of Iraq now." But with police patrolling outside the Main Building in Park Place, it was clear there were fears the situation could spiral out of control. And while the protestors braved the wind and rain, some passers-by looked on bemused. "I don’t see why they’re bothering," said one third year English Language student. "It’s not as if George Bush is going to see or care.

STUDENTS’ UNION (Photo: Kirsty Monaghan)

LONDON - Thursday By Fariba Dashtgard Cardiff students joined the 100,000 people who marched on London the next day to take the protest to Westminster. It is being hailed the largest weekday protest ever in the UK The mood of the protestest was good-humoured as marchers wound their way towards Trafalgar Square from Euston, via Parliament Square and Whitehall with roads around the route being closed. All police leave was cancelled for the demonstration and 5,123 police officers were deployed in Britain’s largest security operation.

Demonstrations climaxed at Trafalgar Square when a bronzed effigy of George Bush was pulled down by organisers in mockery of the Saddam statue toppled by American soldiers in Baghdad earlier this year. Despite the peaceful nature of demonstrations that had taken place earlier in the week, police were bracing themselves for possible trouble from a group of more radical protesters who have taken part in violent protests in the past. Small skirmishes between police and demonstrators broke out later in front of 10 Downing Street. Meanwhile, Mr Bush carried on with his engagements, including talks on Iraq with Prime Minister Tony Blair. He was hosting a banquet for

ST MARY’S STREET (Photo: Anna MacTaggart ) the Queen at the US Ambassador's residence in Regents Park on Thursday evening. A small group of protesters tore away from the main demonstration and tried to enter the residence, Winfield House, where the banquet was being held. Two men were arrested, however, and others were barred from entering the building.

Protests bring Cardiff and London to a standstill Top-up fees: 1/3 not to pay By Stephen Fishbourne Reporter THE GOVERNMENT revealed that a third of students will pay nothing towards tuition fees. Only students from wealthy families will have to pay the new £3,000-a-year university tuition fees. A preliminary estimate suggested that families with an income under £15,200 would have nothing to pay under the new system. Alan Johnson, higher education minister, denied that the charges were aimed solely at the middle classes. He acknowledged that the government was focusing on ensuring poorer students were exempt from payment. Students from low income families and grant or bursary qualifiers

will be exempt. Currently 40 per cent of students do not pay the £1,125-a-year fees so the number of households contributing towards university will increase. The fees will be in the form of a loan which will be paid back after graduation according to how much the student earns. This method is favoured by the government as it believes students should be treated as adults and pay towards their education, based on their earning power as graduates. Kevin Roberts a 19-year-old Genetics student, pointed out that “If the government is charging higher fees because, as a graduate, you have a higher earning potential, why is the amount you will have to pay being based on your parents’ income? Surely all graduates have an equal earning potential and so should pay the same fees.”

KNIFE ROBBERY (From front page)

THE CID spokesperson continued, “He challenged the victim with potentially life threatening violence. "The victim did not have his phone visible, he had not been involved in an altercation, and nor was he withdrawing money from a cash machine, all of which would have made him a more likely target," he said. "He was simply walking along the street and did not provoke the suspect. It was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time." He added, "This type of crime, due to the specific threat of violent, is rare." Nearby the scene there was a

white vehicle with four men sitting inside, all of whom the police want to talk to. Police are appealing for witnesses who may have seen either the white car or the suspect to come forward by calling Cardiff Central CID on 02920 527420. The CID spokesperson said, "The main message to highlight from this incident is to urge student safety when returning home." "If you have finished your shift late at night, ask your employer to provide a taxi or have you escorted home. "It’s their obligation to do so, so don’t take the risk. "If the student had paid the £4 taxi fare he could have avoided becoming a victim."


November 24 2003

Page 3

Six people a night admitted to Heath hospital with spiked drinks


ING (Pho to:



By Mark Jenkins Reporter

AT LEAST six people a night end up in Cardiff’s University Hospital because their drinks are spiked, according to casualty doctors. And this news comes as extremely alarming to students who often take safety for granted while out partying. Drink spiking involves secretly adding a drug to somebody’s drink. Two of the most commonly used chemicals are GHB, a common recreational drug, and Rohypnol. Both are relatively easy to get hold of. Ecstasy, amphetamines and diazepam were also found to be commonly used in a study conducted at the hospital last Christmas.


Spiking drugs dissolve in the drink, and are undetectable by taste or smell.

Sinister According to Dr Rupert Evans, A&E consultant at University Hospital, the problem could get worse. "It’s sinister and it’s increasing," he said. "People have to be aware of it." Noting that the victims of spiking are usually women between the ages of 16 and 30, he added, "Most of these girls come in and they are concerned that they could have been assaulted. They lose their sense of control and their memories." Two weeks ago, an 18-year-old girl was found on the street in Riverside. She claimed that her drink had been spiked, she was dressed in bin liners and did not know where she was. It may come as a surprise to some Cathays students that drinking around the Students’ Union affords them no additional protection from sexual


ays to keep your drink safe from spikers: Don’t leave your drinks unattended. Nominate a trusted drinks watcher. Preferably, finish your drink before going to the toilet, having a dance, etc., or take it with you. If you feel drunk after one or two drinks, seek help from a trusted friend or bar staff. Make sure you trust the person you are asking for help, and think twice about leaving with somebody you just met. Don’t accept lifts from strangers. Plan your evening, including transport to and from home.

Photo: Gemma Griffiths

A spiked drink will often have serious effects on a victim. These can range from feeling very drunk after just one or two drinks to memory loss or coma. For this reason, spiking is typically done to make the victim more vulnerable to sexual assault.

BLURRED VISION: Symptom of drink spiking

Who’s looking after your drink?

attacks. A first year student was assaulted just across the street from the Union two years ago, in a grassy area on Park Place. She had been in Solus with her friends prior to the attack. South Wales Police have downplayed the problem. Superintendent Kevin Tumelty said, "We are aware of GHB, but to say there is an epidemic would be wrong." But the average figure of six people being admitted to hospital each night does not include those who are unable or unwilling to report their attack.

Memory loss The severe memory loss associated with spiking has been known to leave some people with no memories at all of the previous night. gair rhydd urges its readers to be careful with their drinks, particularly with the Christmas party s e a s o n approaching.

Drink spiking affects men too DRINK SPIKING gangs have been targeting both straight and gay men in London and Edinburgh. After having their drink spiked, victims have been taken away from the bar or club in which they were drinking and gang-raped. A male student from Portsmouth University spoke to gair rhydd of his own experience with spiked drinks. Fortunately, he was not attacked due to the quick thinking of his friends. He recalled, "First of all, everything got quite vivid and bright. My senses were heightened. "Then I just blacked out. I was unconscious for about 14 hours and I was violently sick when I was asleep. “I found out afterwards that I wasn't the only one."

Photo: Gemma Griffiths


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November 24 2003


Red Dragon Awards


By Molly Forbes Reporter

Teaching on up

WELSH TALENT was celebrated at an awards ceremony at St David’s Hall on Friday night. Red Dragon FM recognised the amazing range of talented and successful Welsh people in their Sixth Red Dragon FM Welsh Awards Ceremony. Among the winners was former Stereophonics drummer Stuart Cable who picked up the award for Favourite Personality. Cable partied alongside other celebrities, including Fame Academy’s James Fox. The ceremony also recognised sporting talent, with athlete Matt Elias and former rugby international star Craig Quinnell attending the bash.

Record numbers of students are training as teachers in England. Figures are 50 per cent up on five years ago, according to the Teacher Training Agency. David Millband, Schools Standards Minister, said, “The figures show that the measures we are taking make more attractive career option worth taking. However, results show that there are too few trainees in some secondary subjects, particularly maths, and too many primary trainees.

RAG triumph Cardiff Rag have raised a record £1,670 for the Royal National Institute for the Blind. The money was collected on a day trip to Swansea when students braved the freezing temperatures.

Global Village a big success

The Union’s biggest inernational event of the year has been hailed a huge success. Global Village was held last Sunday in the Students’ Union, and saw hundreds of students from around the globe come together for a night of dance, fashion and food. Equal Opportunities and Welfare Officer, Tash Hettihewa was delighted at the turnout. “The societies and cultural groups involved put in so much work and it paid off,” she said.

JAN DEGREES Photo: Kirsty Monaghan

Students go healthy on Union apples and pears By Peter Bramwell News Editor STUDENTS stunned on-lookers at the front of Union last Wednesday when they handed out free fruit and veg to passersby. Showing that not all students are selfish, second years Francis Foster and Rowena Teijido-Diaz from Cardiff University, and Sophia Coney

“I’m not technically saying he’s wrong and I’m not technically saying he’s right either”

Billy Connolly: On the 007 star, who is also a Scottish nationalist. hmmm... strange coming from a man who spends most of his time in L.A. The sell-out.

goods, third year Nia Jones said, “I do eat well now, but that wasn’t the case in the first year. “It’s good to promote five portions a day because there is loads of different ways to cook things and make them interesting.” There was also a competition where students filled out forms to win a basket of fruit delivered to their doorstep. The girls plan to repeat the event again after Christmas.

Student altruism not gone unnoticed

Quotes of the Week

“Sean Connery could not find his way to Scotland in a taxi”

from UWIC (all above) paid for fresh produce themselves, in order to promote healthy eating - all from the good of their own hearts. In response to the many people who said ‘What’s wrong with it?’, Sophia said, “If you can’t do something good for other people what can you do? We’ve done this before on a smaller scale but today was bigger”. It took just an hour and a half to give away 500 pieces of fruit and veg. A recipient of some of the free


Britney Spears: On Justin Timberlake’s infamous statement that she was no longer a virgin


Robert Hargrave 56 Pharmacist Pentrych

Let’s put you on the spot. Do you like students? Yes, although I have to say, we rely heavily on students. When they go home for the holidays Cathays is like a ghost town. Would you say that students are getting more or less proactive? As one of my sons is currently waving a banner in London, then I would say that they are still at the fore when it comes to protesting. So what are your views on the Iraq

By Sylvia Traganida Reporter THE UNIVERSITY of Wales, Lampeter is offering new startdates for degrees in January. Forget your average New Year’s resolutions. The oldest university in Wales is breaking with tradition and offering students the chance to begin degrees in either January or September. It is seen as an attempt to be more flexible and to attract more students. Students can register for full or part time study in a variety of subjects. Those starting this January can also graduate by June 2006 by studying additional credits during the summer. But this will mean that students will have a shorter summer holiday. This venture will mostly appeal to students who missed out on finding a university place in 2003, or have taken a gap year and to mature students.


issue? I absolutely support the protesters; I would be there too if I could get to London. It all comes full cirle really; I took part in the Vietnam demos. What are your views on recycling and rubbish in the area? Are students solely responsible? I don’t think all the criticism of students is entirely justified. Whilst they can be a messy lot, I think if the council coordinated collections properly, it could reduce a lot of the problem.

What do you think of the extension to the Union license, and that it came close to closing? It doesn’t really affect me too much, as I don’t live in Cathays. However, of the 20 years that I have worked on Woodville Road I have never had problems from students. What do you think of the new style gairrhydd and Quench magazine? It’s a lot better than it was... Interview by John Collingridge


November 24 2003

Page 5

Volunteers needed for homeless bus Calendar

By Susan Doragh and Rosey Leech

VOLUNTEERS ARE urgently required for a night bus project providing facilities for local homeless people. The scheme is run by Cardiff Council in conjunction with Cardiff Bus, who donated the vehicle. Statistics show that in the last 18 months, the number of homeless applications to Cardiff Council by single people has more than doubled.

Partners in the scheme include Barclays Bank, South Wales Police, British Transport Police, NCP Car Parks, the Salvation Army and the Big Issue. This coincides with a massive shortfall in the properties available. With a housing waiting list of 8,000, only 1,000 become available each year. Facilities on the bus include a kitchen, toilet, electricity supply, running water, a consulting room and a comfortable seating area.

Specialist staff such as nurses and social workers also carry out surgeries on the bus. They provide specialist help and advice on subjects such as family reunions and psychiatric services. The service operates on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays going to areas in the centre of town where the homeless are likely to be. The bus is in constant contact with South Wales Police via a Radionet link and parks in range of CCTV cameras. Cardiff Night Bus was recently short-

listed in the "Inter-agency" category of the community care magazine annual awards. According to Cardiff councillor Jim Regan, Deputy leader for Health and Adult Services,"Our provision for street homeless people is among the most comprehensive and farsighted in the UK. The Night Bus is unique and plays a key role in this provision." To volunteer or for more information, call PC Bob Keohane on 029 2052 7216.

BLACKLISTED By Katy Starke Reporter

A CARDIFF student has been left angry and out of pocket after a Blackwell’s buy back mix-up. Jessica Moore, a third year Accounting and Management student, hauled six textbooks bought in the first year back to the store on the ground floor of the Union, hoping to take advantage of the scheme designed to buy back second-hand textbooks. But she was disappointed to find that none of the books would be accepted. She said, "When I bought the books I was told I could get 40 per cent of their original value back in vouchers, but because new editions had come out they said I couldn’t get a penny". It seems the offer is subject to several criteria. Textbooks are accepted providing they are not too damaged or marked, there are no annual publications, and they are current editions. While leaflets listing the details of the offer were available at the start of term, the store appears to be bereft of any public notice stating the terms. Deputy store manager, Andrea Whittle, said, " In the main it’s a very fair offer – we’re taking back books irrespective of where they were bought, as long as they fit the criteria". She added, "Sometimes when

BLACKWELLS: not so student friendly (photos: Kirsty Monaghan) there is a huge queue, we can’t go through everything. But we would have put a leaflet in the bag." The problem was compounded by a poster displayed in store at the beginning of term, asking students to delay the return of their books - for buy back - until the end of October. Jessica explained, "I did as the poster said but this meant I found out about the criteria weeks into term.

By Megan Green Save the Children CHRISTMAS IS coming – you can’t miss it, one whole month of getting drunk, stuffing your face, being merry, and having a good excuse to do it all! Save the Children is simply asking you to give up one of these days to make a difference to the 1.2 billion people, including 600 million children, who live on less than a dollar day - 66p.

It’s simple, they do it every day, you only need to do it for one. Donate the money you would have spent on food to Save the Children and make a huge difference. It doesn’t have to be too painful, just think how cheaply you could get drunk ! Bring the money you would have spent on food for the day to the students union on December 2 where there will be a stall by reception eagerly awaiting you, with a few sweeties to help you out!

And, if you really can’t manage the dollar challenge, why not make a donation anyway. £2 buys enough twine for a mother in Sudan to make a net to catch fish for her family. Money raised will go to help the children living in poverty in the 70 countries around the world (including the UK) in which Save the Children work. Help us to work with governments around the world to change unfair trade practices, increase aid, and improve basic health and educa-

By Nicola York Reporter STUDENT BAR staff from The Social pub in Cathays are getting their kit off to raise money for charity. Female members of staff will be appearing in a raunchy calendar on sale from Wednesday, with all proceeds going to Breast Cancer Awareness. The idea was the brainchild of three staff - Hilary Lennox, Alex Lewis and Laura Murrell. "It started off as a joke," said Hilary. "We were just talking about it one day and I decided to ask the other staff what they thought. There was a lot of interest and it took off from there." The calendar, sponsored by Carlsberg, is described as "erotic but not trashy and definitely not porn". It will be on sale in The Social, Bar Cuba and La Baguette for £4. And keep an eye out for The Social girls who will also be selling the calendar on campus. A fellow member of staff and Cardiff University student, Kate Shaw, set up a photo shoot for the girls with a professional photographer in Port Talbot. The calendar girls reported that they all felt comfortable during the shoot, in outfits ranging from raunchy to cute to topless - "but no nipples". Outfits, hair and make-up for

“Outfits range from cute to topless - but no nipples”

Now everyone’s got their books and I’ve had no response to sale posters I put up in the Business School." Whilst Blackwells has offered to double check that the books are new editions, their deputy store manager said of efforts to sell textbooks via posters, "If they are all out of print, I shouldn’t think that people would be interested in them anyway.”

A dollar a day for third world children who have all work, little rest and no play

girls strip for charity

One calendar girl

SUGGESTIONS 1 2 slices of Value bread 4p 2 Value sausages 11p 2 Value eggs 17p Apple 20p 2 Pot Noodle 64p 3 Yoghurt 30p Apple 20p 4 2 choccy bars 66p tion services for the world’s poorest children. Do the Dollar Challenge and reduce the number of people living on less than a dollar a day.

the A3 black and white calendar were done by the girls themselves. From interest expressed so far, the project looks set to be a huge success. An initial print run of 150 copies will be extended if demand is sufficient. Hilary is confident this will be the case, "People keep coming into the bar and asking if it’s out yet. "Please buy the calendar. It’s a bit of a laugh and all for a good cause, as well as a great Christmas present for all the men out there." At the time of going to press no pictures were available, but we promise to deliver a sample of the Social babes next week.

Editorial & Opinion

Page 6

November 24 2003



By Tristan Thomas . gair rhydd Editor


hen did political demonstration become such a social taboo? This week has seen marches in London and Cardiff about President Bush’s visit to England, and in equal measure they’ve resulted in indifference and even disdain from much of the rest of the population. This is all the more confusing because it is currently fashionable to hate Bush and America. Yet it is decidedly not, it would seem, the done thing to act on those views. Talk of apathy is often centred on criticising politicians for not being sufficiently interesting . But the Bush demonstrations seemed to stretch far

rhydd EST. 1972

Student Rant


beyond party politics. There was no need to engage in the political drone that often emanates from Westminster. Yet even without this marked advantage, there was considerable opposition, and not a great deal of support. Some of the blame has to lie with the media, particularly the Murdoch press who consistently label political activists of almost any kind as second class citizens. Some must also rest with those in power who discourage these campaigns overtly, restricting movements, and souring peaceful expressions of democracy with over-zealous policing. Either way, as the Government continues to defy public opinion in pursuit of self-indulgent policies, demonstrations like this must not be defiled by our society’s growing taste for this type of cynicism.

Jim Sefton

Killjoy busts balls T

A minor problem? Living the dream: tea and porn I T By Laura Wright

remember with no fondness Sunday evenings as a teenager; knowing the weekend was over and that a new week of school lay ahead. My bag packed, I dreaded Monday's double PSE class. This week, however, teenagers across the country had an early sex education lesson right in their front room courtesy of S4C's new Adult at 14 series. After briefly glimpsing an advert for the program, I tuned in with the expectation of watching a kind of feisty, dramatic modernisation Grange Hill but I couldn't have been more wrong. The uncomfortable explicit sex scenes served purely to depict the displeasure of intercourse to the viewer despite the claims afterwards to friends that it was "fantastic". I understand the moral lesson; you don't have to have sex because your friends are doing it, they can often lie about their experiences etc etc. All valuable lessons to be learnt, but was it done in a successful way? I thought that the ending of the program gave it no real sense of closure. If the producers wanted it to be a depiction of reality which they brutally give throughout the program then why the almost unbelievable happy ending of the girl who rises above the taunts of her peers, where all is resolved and she may walk off alone contented. In how many cases does this actually happen? Is it a last ditch attempt to soften the contents of the rest of the program? Or maybe telling those 'stressed out', 'tormented' 'peer driven' teens that there is hope out there?

I understand that there is a necessity to tackle issues such as peer pressure, sexual identity, and the high teenage pregnancy rate and this 'realistic' portrayal of events is someone's attempt to do this. The back-up of Channel 4's website on the series is highly informative and supportive. It almost seems like a group of parents have teamed up with producers to get through to their nonresponsive teenage children, desperate to protect them from the ‘badness’ of the world. On the other hand however, we have to wonder how much we can live vicariously through television in times like these. All the grievances, all the frustrations, all the wrong decisions that we make through our adolescence are part of the experiences that make us who we are. There are so many things that I wish I hadn't done or said and would be eager to change if I could, but I have learned through my mistakes. I certainly couldn't have been taught how to live back then from this type of program in the same way I wouldn't have been taught by those dreaded PSE lessons and the outdated embarrassing videos we giggled our way through. Parents may think that we needed and still need protecting, and maybe we do, but how many times do you remember saying "I'm NOT a child anymore!" throughout your teenage years!? Is it just inevitable that any given advice will not be adhered to? I don't think that this series will achieve what it set out to do but maybe I'm just too cynical. All I can say is that I hardly await this Sunday's episode with eager anticipation.

By AJ Silvers

he student population is greatly maligned. Sections of the media are at pains to reinforce a range of negative stereotypes. If they are to be believed, we are a bunch of largely left-wing, apathetic whingers, capable of little more than running up huge overdrafts, drinking ourselves senseless and cramming at the end of three years to scrape through our degrees. These prejudices, combined with uncertain job prospects and huge debts, may make student life seem a little bleak, even pointless to some. However, there is another side to the student coin and, at this point, I would like to introduce to you my mate Mark. Now Mark is a contented chap. His studies are going okay; he has an attractive girlfriend and he works up a thirst by running around a pitch on Wednesday afternoons. Despite these ostensibly normal indicators, Mark is a genius. Don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about a member of Mensa here: He has as much chance of getting a first class degree as George W has of winning the Nobel Peace Prize. But what Mark has figured out is that his time at Uni is an excellent opportunity to indulge himself. Being a student is one of the few occupations, other than being Editor of gair rhydd or President of the SU, in which you can get slaughtered on Vodka-Redbulls mid-

week and then turn up for work the next day with a stinking hangover and no-one notice, let alone care. Mark, like many Uni students, enjoys the odd alcoholic beverage though his ultimate indulgence is not to be found behind the bar. Mark frequently finishes lectures midafternoon and then returns home to satisfy his thirst with a large mug of tea and some dubious quality porn. In his own words he is ‘living the dream’, refusing to let envious detractors in the media or postgraduation fears ruin his hedonistic university years. The relatively short period of time spent studying for your degree maybe your only opportunity to live it up with little or no consequences, as long as you are responsibly irresponsible of course. So whatever floats your boat, whether it is Darjeeling and well-endowed midgets or, in Mark’s case, Tesco’s value tea and some rather scraggy MILFs, take time out, put the kettle on and indulge yourself.

TESCO: Our student Mecca?

he fashion section of last weeks Quench contained a good deal of advice for ball season. For the ladies: tips on the latest makeup, different hairstyles, the advantages of wearing jewellery, and how to carry off an individual and unorthodox look. For the gents, this solitary suggestion: don’t wear an all-white tuxedo, you’ll look like a tosser. This lack of consideration toward the male’s quest for a distinct personal identity in the formal dress arena is what leads the more desperate among us to sport the flashing bowtie and don ludicrous John Virgo style waistcoats. I beseech you dear fashion editors, please don’t help to perpetuate this sad and lamentable parody of 21st century man. More seriously the section failed to give the most important advice of all. Do not walk to the ball but instead take a taxi (or if your ego demands it, a limo). Though not because walking to it will play merry hell with your freshly coiffed locks. Nor because doing so may threaten to blemish your ostentatious new winkle-pickers. You should avoid walking to the ball because, having blown a sizable wad of cash on your ticket, your new outfit or suit hire, your oh so funky hairdo, and your pre-event beverages, you will likely pass a number of Cardiff’s homeless. They will probably be freezing in the doorway of the prosperous high street store where you purchased that fabulous new ankle bracelet or comparable frippery. You can expect to see about them or on their person, their full collection of worldly possessions (i.e. a scruffy dog and a tin whistle). And if, whilst in your costly and temporary finery, you would dare to look them in the face you would see there a heartbreaking look of resignation, which, if you have a social conscience, will be apt to make you feel like an absolute fuck.

Fancy a rant? E-mail 350 words to


November 24 2003

Page 7

Flying too close to the political flame

Bitesize Germans know their place THE GERMANS often get a lot of stick from us. I mean, how many times do we have to remind them who won the war? But it looks like the message about British superiority has sunk in at last. According to a new poll, the majority of Germans now believe that “Britain is the leading European nation”. That result should make interesting reading for the europhobic freaks who continually tell us the EU is a Franco-German stitch-up to rob Britain of its independence. The Germans don’t agree!

Dracula disowns home TORY LEADER “Poll Tax Mike” Howard is desperate to shrug off his ‘vampire’ image. But the people of Ruscova the Transylvanian town his father left in 1939 - have other ideas. Mayor Vasile Pop has invited him to stay, and even suggested a memorial might be built. So far, Mikey hasn’t been exactly keen to accept.

Why al-Qaeda hates us


WENTY-SEVEN KILLED at least. Up to four hundred injured. That was the devastating effect of al-Qaeda’s latest murderous rampage in Istanbul. As well as Turks, it was British citizens who suffered. The British Consulate was wrecked, and the Turkish HQ of HSBC – a London-based bank was also bombed. As the news reached London, and Jack Straw stood up in Parliament to condemn the despicable attacks, Paul Flynn, the doughty MP for Newport East, asked a very pertinent question. As a small section of the 100,000 anti-Bush demonstrators filed past outside, Flynn stood up and asked; "Does the Foreign Secretary have any suggestions as to why British interests have been targeted for the first time – and why today?" There was a general murmur of approval. MPs know when someone’s said something worth listening to. Of course, the answer is as clear as day. There’s a price to pay for standing "shoulder to shoulder" with George Bush. Is it worth paying? Those planes smashed into the World Trade Center more than two years ago now; the opening shots in what became Bush’s War on Terror. Since then, it’s been more like the War of Errors. Led by the most consummate idiot

Calling George Bush WANT A MOBILE PHONE logo that really sums up how you feel about Dubya? Mark Winsoar, the owner of a popular mobile phone website, did. So he offered a free “STOP BUSH” logo on his site to coincide with the state visit of the President to the UK. Within two days, 2,000 requests for the logo had flooded in from UK teenagers. Mark was stunned by the level of demand. “The interest has been incredible already it is the most popular logo that we have ever offered from our website,” Mark said. “This indicates to me that there are hundreds of thousands of teenagers out there who are interested in politics and who object to the way that George Bush has conducted himself recently.” What? Dubya Bush ain’t down with the kids? Mark, you surprise me. ever to step into the White House, how could it be anything but? Let’s remember, the only reason the “dumb IDS” made it there is because of a dodgy recount and a favour from his brother.

No-one can disagree with the aims of Bush’s war – to forever rid the world of the kind of horrific atrocity that the people of Istanbul suffered this week. But Bush’s methods have not only failed to do this, they’ve made the situation worse. Thanks to the diplomatic wrangling at the UN, we’ve spent the best part of a year on the invasion of Iraq. No-one’s going to argue that that hasn’t been good for the Iraqis, who will now taste freedom for the first time in years. But how has it gotten us closer to catching bin Laden? No - it’s just made an awful lot of ordinary people in the Middle East very angry indeed. They don’t see it as freeing Iraq, they see it as Christian imperialists on the rampage. They’re utterly wrong, of course, but that won’t prevent them flocking to join bin Laden’s gang. The US administrator of Iraq, Paul Bremer, has repeatedly warned that the country has become a favourite haunt of al-Qaeda. “Starting in July, we saw them begin to regoup and come back in.” he said. “There's no question we have scores of al-Qaeda terrorists here.” That’s just in Iraq – where we know it’s happening because the US is there to tell us about it. All over the rest of the muslim world, al-Qaeda could be trebling its membership and we just wouldn’t know. If Instanbul is anything to go by, that’s exactly what is happening. The really tragic thing is that the answer was always staring Bush in the face – but he’s always simply refused to

see it. "We will continue these attacks," bin Laden said in a video released just after September 11, "until the infidel withdraws from muslim lands." Or words to that effect. So what does Bush do? He invades still more muslim lands. It would be useless to pretend that Osama bin Laden is a reasonable man. Even if the US brokered a peace deal in Israel and the Palestinians became free, and even if the US did withdraw its support of the murderous, suppressive and hated Saudi regime, bin Laden would still want to continue his jihad. He’s a fanatic; he’ll never see sense. But even fanatics are powerless without support. It’s only because bin Laden is able to peddle his lies about “Christian Imperialism”, and people believe him, that al-Qaeda has any members at all. So if Bush actually pretended he was interested in the Israeli peace process, and if he condemned the murderous House of Saud, then ordinary muslims might stop signing the al-Qaeda membership forms. Blair understands this, because he’s an intelligent man. But his pleas to Bush to get involved in the Israeli peace process have fallen on deaf - and very dumb - ears. We can’t win the War on Terror on the battlefield. We will only win it in the hearts and minds of the people bin Laden is trying to recruit. That is why 100,000 people demonstrated in London on Thursday. They know, instinctively, that the moron Bush is marching us to disaster.

Political Opinion

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November 24 2003

Hanging in the balance by Paul Dicken


n a newspaper article for the Sunday Telegraph the new Shadow Home Secretary in town, David Davis, said he would “bring back capital punishment for serial murderers.” The Conservative Party central office and other senior members of the party were fairly swift to counter his statements, describing them as the expression of personal opinion, and not part of Conservative policy. This story was reported in most of the national newspapers, which is probably what Davo was after. The Guardian called his ‘gesture politics’ and an attempt to get some support from the Tory ‘right’ - who are all very wrong if they think the death penalty has much hope of being reinstated. This is mainly because the European Convention on Human Rights is part of British law. Another factor weighing in against capital punishment is that since the UK abolished it in 1965, the House of Commons have voted against it several times, and as Davis himself acknowledged the development was ‘unlikely’ in his political lifetime. One of the more serious points to arise from the comments came from an ICM poll for the Telegraph. The poll found that 62% of voters were in favour of the death penalty for child murderers, and 54% backed the death penalty for the killing of an adult or a child. If the ICM poll is indicative of popular opinion, then backing capital punishment could be a winner of public support, but should it, or could it, be a future for law and order in Britain? Amnesty International

record 112 countries of the world as abolitionist in law or practice, with the remaining 83 countries retaining the use of capital punishment, although the number of countries where people are executed in any one year is smaller than this number. Much of the discourse around the abolitionist argument centres on the importance of the human right to life, mistakes in conviction and the inhumanity of taking a life. The pro-death penalty argument contests that someone who is willing to take a life forfeits their own right to life. They see the death penalty as an effective deterrent, suggesting that a rational individual will weigh up the cost of a criminal endeavour before committing a crime, therefore the supposed greatest punishment is the greatest deterrent. Argument and investigation into capital punishment will no doubt go on forever, with the hope of ultimately deciding its necessity. Current court proceedings in America have raised the issue, as John Muhammed is convicted of capital murder for the Washington sniper shootings and he may face the death penalty. Meanwhile in the UK, with the ongoing Soham murder trial, the recent ICM poll would suggest that people do not consider life imprisonment a sufficient punishment for the crime of which Ian Huntley is accused. Tthe growing international and UN consideration for human rights might lead a some to rethink the high cost of dealing death in a world that would seek humane justice.

Plaid on the slide By Iwan Horan


or richer or poorer your loyalties lie with your country. Every person surely wants the self-respect and the ability to rule their own destiny which is brought by independence, don’t they? Plaid Cymru had poor results at the 2003 assembly elections, during which they campaigned for ‘full national status in Europe’. What exactly did they mean? Now, off the waffling trail, they’ve clearly stated that ‘an independent Wales in Europe is Plaid Cymru’s constitutional aim’. The man who can claim to be the most uncharismatic political party leader of all time, Plaid Cymru leader Ieuan Wyn Jones, resigned following the party’s poor election result. Unfortunately for Plaid Cymru he somehow got himself re-elected as party leader: a clear case of excess egomassaging over a party’s common good, surely? Whatever our nationality, we all feel fantastic when our sportsmen represent us on the national stage. Wales has a degree of independence in this sense. By the time you read this Wales might have completed the first stage of a play-

off battle in the European Championship qualifiers by beating Russia, a nation 100 times more populous than Wales. There is no better feeling than beating a larger nation fair and square, is there? The feeling of pride would be similar if we were able to trade punches with bigger nations politically and economically as well. There are simple answers to those who argue Wales is too small to be viable. Look at the Eastern European nations due to join the EU, some smaller than Wales and second world in status. There are small nations such as Monaco which make the most of the flexibility gained with independence to ensure economic viability. All this talk of independence has even got the Welsh Conservatives excited. Nick Bourne, Welsh Conservative Party leader, recently stated that the Welsh Assembly should have at least the same powers as the Scottish Parliament. This, from a party that was against establishing the Welsh Assembly and has actively worked against it. If anyone has questions to put to Plaid Cymru regarding independence for Wales, they will be having a debate on November 17 in the union at 8pm.

Rent-a-copper madness by Perri Lewis


ontroversial plans to aid funding of the police force were announced on Tuesday by Home Secretary David Blunkett. While I am in full support of any scheme designed to create extra capital for our already financially insecure public services, I was astounded by the lunacy of Mr. Blunkett’s claims. In the proposed plans, communities will be financially responsible for a community support officer in their area, having to raise £10,000 to ensure the local constabulary to their duty to protect and serve. Labour claim the government will shell out for the other half of their wages. How kind! This is not simply a case of the government resorting to drastic measures: it is a deliberate choice to reserve taxpayers’ money for other, apparently more worthy, issues. Despite the fact that taxes earn the government billions of pounds a year, this proposal means anyone wanting

one of these officers will have to pay for it. It turns the police force into a privilege of the wealthy. Consequences of such a plan are potentially disastrous. While affluent areas have the disposable income to fund police presence in their area, those with less may not. In fact, those not able to afford what the government now appears to consider the luxury of police protection are the very people likely to need it the most. Deviance parallels deprivation; the most crime-ridden areas are also the poorest. Why should such people have to fork out for police protection when it is clear it will sink them even lower

into poverty? In fact, why should anyone have to pay for police? Mr. Blunkett’s plans are the result of the bureaucratic nature of the modern police force, in which law enforcers record old incidents rather than deal with new ones. Liberal Democrat home affairs spokesman Mark Oaten has claimed that this is an admission by the government that they still do not have the right level of police in this country. The sheer amount of trained police stuck in offices doing white-collar paperwork is preposterous; taxes are being wasted on paying them to do this instead of being out on the beat where they are needed. The question which has to be asked is why this problem isn’t being tackled to minimise costs, rather than creating a new solution to maximise funds. If this scheme is put into practice, it will be the wealthy middle class who prosper once again. It seems ironic that the people who need the police force the most will be denied the right of its protection.

Euro accounts fishy again by Emily Knightley


n official report published this week by the European Union’s financial watchdog, the Court of Auditors, has uncovered a catalogue of weaknesses in accounts covering the annual budget. For the ninth year running, the court is refusing to certify the EU’s annual accounts. The irregularities unearthed in this most recent report amount to £5 billion, more than 5% of the £90 billion budget and are still of the same type and frequency as the previous nine years. An action plan for the modernisation of the accounting system was adopted by the European Commission at the end of

2002 and is expected to be fully effective by 2005, but there has been little evidence of progress in the ten or eleven months since its adoption. In an attempt to deflect criticism over the numerous financial scandals which have hit the Commission’s statistical office in recent years, its president Romano Prodi announced on Tuesday a four point anti-fraud plan and plans to introduce a new system to collect and crosscheck all allegations of fraud and irregularity. In London, the British government commented that the report made "disturbing reading", but it will also act as a useful tool for Britain as they intend to fight fraud and mismanagement during its impending presidency

of the EU. Let us just hope that they can be successful in their intentions.

Life as a student is luxury by Perri Lewis


ant the high life? Become a student, says Tony! From the findings of a survey published on Tuesday, the government are claiming that students are living better than ever. Apparently we are spending more on luxury personal items like mobile phones, entertainment and recreational travel which has resulted in the average student debt rising two-and-a-half times since 1998. The report also showed that one-quarter of students were contributing an average of £721 to the cost of their tuition fees. Obviously they don’t see that this ‘extravagant’ lifestyle is being funded not by income but by loans and credit cards, which have become a way of life for students. Unfortunately, there is no negative stigma attached to getting into debt you can’t afford any more.

The government are expected to use the findings of the Student Income and Expenditure Survey as a pivotal argument in their justification of introducing postgraduate repayments of top-up fees. Abolishing the current system of upfront fees will ensure students are more financially secure while at university - apparently. What the survey doesn’t highlight, of course, is that it will encourage students to blow their loans and rack up even more debt. The author of the s u r v e y ,

Professor Claire Callender of South Bank University, is thoroughly disgusted with the government’s use of her research; she wants to redirect the focus on to the finding that 43% of students could be classified as experiencing low or poverty-level income compared to 22% of the general population. Rather than addressing the problem of student hardship, Labour has chosen to use this report to suit its own aims. Another example of the slimy hand of spin manipulating statistics. But while this may be yet another instance of the propagandist nature of New Labour, the results are going to have alarming consequences for students of today.

What do YOU think? Contact us at:


Page 10

November 24 2003

The gair rhydd Letters Page Rain, rain, rain. That time of year has begun where the deluge starts, and won’t let up until, mmm... April. It seems that you are not settling for the finger-painting classes jolly good show. There has been a marked improvement this week - I heartily agree with the comments regarding cyclists, and Mr Allen reminds us that no political party is exempt from the evils of vice and corruption. Keep sending your letters in via email, as this week, paper is mostly for: reflecting much needed sunlight onto your pallid skin. I’m off to grab the Prozac for my seasonal affective disorder...

James Anthony

Letter of the week receives two free cinema tickets courtesy of UGC cinemas, Cardiff. They are available for collection from the gair rhydd offices, on the top floor of the union building.

Cobley: Missed Dear gair rhydd, In response to last week's 'Tory Boy', I feel it necessary to correct him on a few elementary points. Firstly, the "anti-Tory" rant is quite common amongst students, for the simple fact that most students are anti-Tory and Tories are anti-student, having been the party that shut down its student wing in the 1980s, and attempted to do the same to the NUS. Their proposals in higher education funding would also destroy much of the progress made under the government's Widening Access initiatives. Secondly, is he seriously suggesting that we cannot criticise a party because we haven't met any MPs that represent them? For a start, the Tories do not have a single MP in Wales and are a small minority elsewhere, so it's quite difficult. If this applies then only people who have met Tony Blair are allowed to criticise him then? Our 'true blue' friend is right that corruption is inexcusable, and sadly occurs across the political spectrum. The coronation of "Mr Poll Tax" Howard, however, shows just how seriously Tories take democracy. The parliamentary party removed a democratically elected leader, against the wishes of party members, and imposed the man who came LAST in the 1997 contest, and who had promised not to stand again in November 2002. The same Howard who thought ex-dictator Pinochet should just be allowed to return home in 1998, and campaigned for his release. I, for one, will miss Cobley. While I disagreed with much of what he said, to describe the political editor of this paper as "balanced" is clearly laughable. Yours, James Allen

Bush: Good (?) Dear gair rhydd, Well, it appears I’ve made a friend. To Mark, second year Genetics, I would like to set the record straight. The war was never about oil, terrorism, WMDs or any humanitarian concern for the Iraqi people. It was about one thing and one thing alone: the removal of the Saddam regime. Mr Bush made that perfectly clear, even if Blair didn’t. So the WMD argument was merely a useful pretext, and if you thought otherwise then you must be either rather dull or very naive, perhaps both. Yes, the government did lie, but do you think this is the first (or last) time a British government has been less than forthcoming with the facts? Does that negate the fact that an evil dictator who caused much pain and

suffering to his, and other, people has been removed from power? Of course not. The Iraqi people have a real chance for peace and prosperity; Bush has indicated that he wants US forces out of Iraq by June (so much for stealing all Iraq’s oil). And yes, Mark, the democratic-capitalist system of governance may not be perfect, but as Churchill once said, it’s the best we have. I refuse to accept that any with the ability to compose a coherent sentence can honestly think that socialism or any other non-democratic-capitalist system of governance will produce anything other than tyranny and oppression to the populace. I assume you must have been joking, or just blind drunk. As for your comments about the US in general Mark, I can only say this. If the British government had decided to oppose Bush then Britain

would have been cast into the same group of irrelevant nations such as France, Germany, Russia and Belgium. As it stands, we’ve helped to shape US foreign policy as well as consolidating the Anglo-AmericanAustralian relationship. The USA is the hegemon; she’s the superpower and she makes the rules. Not us. That’s how it was during the time of Imperial Rome and the British Empire, and I doubt anyone would prefer the US to follow either of those examples. I can understand why people don’t like Bush; he doesn’t come off as the type of person one would expect to lead the free world. However, at least he’s honest and ultimately I think he merely wants what’s best for America and, no matter what his faults, I think he’s a good man. So given the choice of working with him or against him (and with Chirac of all people) I’ll take the latter. It’s in our own strategic interests more than anything else, or would you prefer we side with the bickering, back stabbing and ultimately irrelevant French et al as opposed to our long-term and only worthwhile ally the United States of America? If so, then I would suggest you vote against the government at the next election, although seen as the opposition is also right of centre it doesn’t look like you can win this one. Looks like you’ll have to put up with Blair until he decides to retire I’m afraid. Still Mark, could be worse - we could have a socialist government. Yours, Mark, second year History.

Cyclists: thick (allegedly)

also by cycling on the pavement, you are being a pain in the arse. I think the reason that many of you cycle on the pavement at night is because you have no lights. Which is also illegal. And a lot more dangerous. I look forward to the day when I can walk to my lecture without having to dodge ignorant cyclists. Yours, annoyed second year.

Riath: busted Dear gair rhydd, The irony of your newspaper producing a report on how to be a photojournalist astounds me. I'm guessing that while they were racking their brains and formulating such an informative guide no one was actually paying any attention to the pictures included in the newspaper. I mean when I whip out my "750th souvenir" edition of gair rhydd for my grandchildren they are bound to be excited by the picture of an empty pint glass and a padlock staring at them from the front page. Or maybe they will enjoy the blurred pictures of Jamelia. Or even the badly cropped pictures of George Bush (page 2) or of the intense rugger scrum (page 33) etc. If you want an image to look like it's been cut from a magazine then make it look like that and not that you have used Photoshop badly. Beca Murphy's picture is so black she looks like she is a police witness. Nice

picture on the back page though, but very likely stolen from TV or another paper. And no, I can't do any better. So, stop being so conceited and do what you’re good at. Yours, Adam Boutlon.

Wilkinson: arse Dear gair rhydd, In last week's gair rhydd you printed that Welsh and Scottish football fans have nothing to cheer for as we are, and I quote, "lambs to the slaughter". Do English fans have something to cheer for? A one trick pony rugby team (do I have to name him?) and a football team constantly underachieving their fans expectations? I think not!! The Celtic nations do have something to cheer for; our expectations are not unrealistically sky high after something that happened in 1966 (you just won’t let it go, will you!). Patriotic third year Physics.

Letters is supported by UGC Cinemas, Cardiff

07791 165 837

Dear gair rhydd, I would like to begin my letter by quoting from the Highway Code: "You MUST NOT cycle on a pavement. Do not leave your cycle where it would endanger or obstruct road users or pedestrians, for example, lying on the pavement. Use cycle parking facilities where provided." To the hordes of cyclists who use the pavements: by cycling on the pavement, you are in fact BREAKING THE LAW. It has been illegal since 1835 in fact (Highways Act 1835 s.72). I bet most of you don’t know that you can receive a well-deserved on-the-spot fine of twenty quid from PC Plod if he catches you. Look at all the wonderful bits of red road the council have very kindly created especially for you – and yet you still cycle in a place designated for pedestrians! OK, maybe more cycle lanes should be created but cycling on the pavement is just stupid. And before you say that the roads are too dangerous for cyclists, tough - that’s where you are supposed to be, put up with it! I would just like to point out that I have got nothing against the majority of cyclists. To be fair, most of you do cycle on the road where you are supposed to. However, there are still far too many of you that don’t. Not only are you breaking the law but

lecturers are boring. Throw handouts at them. Find a penny, pick it up, on this day you’ll have good luck. Give the penny to a friend... and you’ll be a penny less well off. Agree with ginger poo, 80s nite was great, lets show these freshers a gd time! Brown poo They call us the eggs...if we don’t get laid, we get smashed. We live in the boneing yard!

Tv holly is a mastermind! We want to meet her. Never wear nylon clothes and dance in a petrol station forecourt. “Ya... Right” said the tampon. to the group of minging loosers on park place who thought they could touch me with their grubby little sweaty hands tuesday night.. FUCK YOU!! The salmon are busking outside the cia

Email your letters to: - gair rhydd will attempt to print any letters that I think are good enough. Apologies for those that do not make it due to space restrictions, or are shit. The views expressed in these letters are not usually those of the newspaper or the letters desk.


Page 12

November 24 2003

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy gair rhydd’s day by day listings: if it’s on it’s in. With Hannah Muddiman


The Factory @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am Free before 11 £2 after Saucy Monkey @ Creation Student Classics £3/2 Poohyerpants @ Liquid Student session cheesy chart, RnB, commercial dance 50p per drink before 11, £1 after Casual dress £2 (NUS) Student night @ Evolution £3 (NUS) Smell the Glove @ Barfly Good-time rock and roll 11pm-2am £2 (NUS) Something Anything @ Moloko DJs play whatever they want Bar till 2am drinks promotions all night Free entry Jazz Attic @ Café Jazz Jam night. Sign in on the door to play from 8pm £1.50 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Mondays @ Exit Club Cheap and Cheerful chart night 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3 DJ Mix selector @ Sam’s Bar Live turntable action £3 Salsa night @ Bar Med Free food platter with every cocktail jug @ The slug and Lettuce From 7pm South Wales Friends of St Briavels Centre @ St David’s Hall TREORCHY MALE VOICE CHOIR, ELINOR BENNETT harp, ELIN REES organ, DAVID JURITZ violin, DAVID HARDING baritone, ANDREW MATTHEWS tenor. Compère BEVERLEY HUMPHRIES 7:30pm From £8 Film Society @ UGC Meet in the UGC Bar at 8pm for the film at 9pm. ‘All About My Mother’. Starring Penelope Cruz.


Comedy Network @ Seren Las, SU Doors: 8pm Show 9pm £2 (NUS) Lunchtime concert @ St David’s Hall Cardiff Metropolitan Cathedral Choir. Traditional Christmas music 1:00pm £5 Alan Barnes Quintet @ St David’s Hall Part of ‘Jazz on the Level’ 8:00pm Vodka Republic @ Creation £2 (NUS) Oddsoc Sessions @Barfly Douglas, Pothole, Bedford Falls, Shaped By Fate, Tmesis. 7:30pm £2.50 (discounts for members) Includes buffet,and bounce. Bounce @ Barfly Drum and Bass 11pm-2am £2 (NUS) LMS Sessions @ Clwb Ifor Bach Martini Henri Rifles, McClusky and Pinstripe Mafia. Doors 8pm £3/£2 members Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (upstairs) Rock, goth, metal. Doors: 9pm £2.50 (NUS) Tony & Desmond @ Chapter Arts Centre A fast-paced new play by a new Cardiff theatre company. Tues – Fri 8:00PM £5/£4 The Weir @ Everyman Theatre, Chapter Arts Centre Tues – Sat 8:00pm £7 Humble Boy @ The New Theatre Tues - Sat Evenings 7.30pm; Thursday & Saturday Matinees 3.00pm Superstition @ Moloko Funky town @ Stylus Commercial disco, RnB flavas 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Chill out @ The Philharmonic Free Quiz night @ Club X 6pm-11pm Free Cheese nation @ Jumpin Jaks Student night 8pm-2am offyaface @ Metros Metal, rap, punk, ska, DnB with DJs Rod and Mr P £1 bottles and shots No dress code 9pm-3amFree before 11, £1.50 after. International night @ Journeys 4pm-midnight Salsa night @ Bar Cuba £4 a lesson Bandwagon @ The Toucan Superb Band showcase and open Mic night from 8pm.


Rubber Duck Club Night @ Solus, SU Prizes for the best dressed 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) University Chamber Choir and Orchestra @ University Concert Hall (Music Dept.) A selection of choral and orchestral works with a pastoral theme culminating in Beethoven's Symphony No 6. £2 (NUS) Student Session @ Liquid Cheesey chart, RnB, commercial dance. Drinks 99p before midnight, £1.50 after £2 (NUS) Wednesday social @ The Barfly Relax with a coffee and soak up the atmosphere, or even play an impromptu set…? 12 noon-2:30pm Express @ Barfly Party hip-hop featuring resident DJs, turntablists and breakdancers 10:30pm-2am £2 (NUS) All Three Floors @ Clwb Ifor Bach Cheesey Club: motown, func, disco. Popscene: Indie. Milky Bar: Electric chill out and playstations!!! 9:30pm £2.50 (NUS) Tokyo-yo @ Moloko Resident DJs play a crazy mix of cool rare groove. Drinks promotions all night Relax @ Stylus 80s. 9pm-2am £2 Simple @ The Philharmonic Free Wednesdays @ Club X Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3.00 Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks 70s.Cheapskates @ Metros Alternative and Cheese. Double shot + mixer 80p. No dress code 9pm-2am. Indie Box @ Journeys 4pm-Midnight The Big Freeze @ Berlins RnB, garageFree before 11, £3 after Latin Night @ Life Latin music and Salsa lessons £2 2 for 1 cocktails @ The Slug and Lettuce From 7pm Boomshanka @ The Toucan 60’s/70’s Acoustic Soul and Hippy Funk Cardiff City Songs @ St David’s Hall 2.30pm & 6.30pm £2.50 Academi John Tripp Award For Spoken Poetry 2003 - The Grand Final @ Celebrity Restaurant, St David’s Hall A night of words, wine and wit. Hear Wales’ best live poets impress the judges with their fresh and entertaining verse as they compete for this year’s prize. 7:30pm £4


Climax @ Solus, SU 9pm-3am £3 (NUS) Lunchtime Concert @ University Concert Hall (Music Dept.) The City of Cardiff Concert Band. 1:15pm. Admission Free Abri @ The Toucan The latest addition to the Toucan calendar featuring all the best bands and DJs on the Welsh language scene. Björn Again @ St David’s Hall The ultimate Abba night out! 7:30pm From £12.50 Usual Suspects @ Creation Chart, dance, indie, old school Fresh City @ Liquid Cardiff’s premiere RnB session (apparently) With resident DJ Raheem (Vibe 101) and MC Echo. 2.50 drinks, Casual, no headgear. Thursday night fever @ Barfly Put on your dancing shoes for extreme cheese 10:30pm-2am £2 Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Zabrinski / Kentucky Afc / Ivory Springer 8pm. £6 Uprising @ Clwb Ifor Bach Reggae, Dub, Ska Doors: 10pm £3 (NUS) Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, DnB, breaks. Drinks promotions all night 9pm-2am Free before 11, £1 after Groove Check @ Stylus Classic soul, boogie, funk and RnB, 9pm-2am £2 (NUS) Shag-tag @ Bar X Free before 12, £2 after Thursdays @ Exit Club Chart and Mix 7:30pm-2am £1.50/3:00 Red Dragon Radio @ Jumpin Jaks High School Hits Spellbound @ Metros Metal, indie, fat guitars and evil beats 9pm-3am Livewire @ Bar Ice Dub, Ska, reggae Northern Soul @ Journeys Ska, reggae, 60s, mod 4pm-12midnight Twisted By Design @ The City Arms Alternative music night 8.30pm til 2am. Free entry.


November 24 2003

Page 13

Cinema - Club - Pub - Art - Theatre - Sport - Quizzes - Music - Comedy



Friday Formula @ Creation Three floors of commercial and old school £5/4 Drink Free @ Liquid Cheesey chart, RnB, commercial dance. Smart: no ripped jeans or trainers. £3 entry (NUS) before 11, including 3 bottles. Mad4it @ Barfly Indie Classics, baggy beats, party tunes 10:30pm-2am £3 The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach (downstairs) Guest DJs every week, Psych, pop, freakbeat, garagerock, punk, RnB and beyond Doors: 10pm £3 Sumo @ Clwb Ifor Bach Presenting: Stanton Warriors 10pm. £8 Adv. Forward motion @ Moloko Free before 11pm Fridays @ Exit Club Chart and Mix. 7:30pm-2am. £1.50/3:00 Dueling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Live for the weekend Chaos @ Metros The only alternative. Tunes to make you think/dance/drink from here, there and everywhere. 9pm-3am Fridays @ Bar Ice Funky house and good grooves 8pm-2am Free Soul Dreams @ Journeys Old school RnB UpToNoGood @ The Lounge Chunky, funky vocal house. Free Higher Learning Birthday Party @ The Toucan Higher Learning, the capitals best loved Hip Hop night celebrates its Birthday and features special guest DJs, brake dancers and MCs. Le Freak @ Stylus Classic Disco with Dave Jones, Scott ‘Got Da Funk’ Harris and Michael Knight 10pm – 3am £5 / £4 NUS Mozarteum Orchestra Salzburg @ St David’s Hall Haydn Symphony No 92, Mozart Violin Concerto No 2, Schubert Rondo, Mozart Symphony No 36 7:30pm From £9.50 In the Gallery @ Chapter Arts Centre Rachelle Viader Knowles: Home and Other Fictions Preview: 7 – 9pm Exhibition: Sat 29 Nov – Sun 11 Jan 2004.

Where? Theatres, Concert Halls and Galleries Students’ Union Box Office: 02920 781458 Uni Music Dept Concert Hall Corbett Road The New Theatre Park Place,02920 878889. The Sherman Theatre Senghennydd Road 02920646900 Butetown History&Arts Centre 5 Dock Chambers,Bute Street,Cardiff Bay,02920 256757 CBAT Gallery 123 Bute Street, 029 2048 8772 National Museum and Gallery Cathys Park, 02920 397951. Chapter Arts Centre Canton 02920 304400 Cardiff Indoor Arena Mary Ann Street Enq: 12920 224488 St Davids Hall The Hayes Enq. 02920 878420 Box Office: 02920 878444 Live Music Barfly Kingsway Info: 02920 396589 Tickets: 08709 070999 Clwb Ifor Bach Womanby Street 02920 232199 The Coal Exchange Mount Stuart Street Cardiff Bay 02920 462311 Toucan Bar and Café 95 St Mary Street 02920 372212 Jazz Cafe St Mary Street 02920 387026 Blues Dragon Club Gwennyth Street (Cathays) Clubs Stylus

Come Play @ Solus, SU 9pm-2am £3 (NUS) Try Gamelan @ St David’s Hall (Ivor Novello Room) 10:30am-12:30pm £4.50 Glamorous @ Creation £5 (NUS) All Inclusive @ Liquid Pay on the door and pay no more! Dress code: Smart (no ripped jeans or trainers) Cheesy chart, RnB, commercial Dance £10(NUS) Superfly @ Barfly Classic soul, funk, disco 10:30pm-2am £3 (NUS) Live @ Clwb Ifor Bach Kidz With Toyz / Mc Saizmundo / Mc Sleifar (Dj Set) 8pm. £5 The Moxie Pleanty @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) Alternative Hip-hop, electro, bastard pop, hooligan house, funk, punk Doors: 11pm £3 (NUS) Bleuprint @ Moloko Retro disco, future house, funk, soul, rhythm+blues Bar till 2am, drinks promotions all night. Free entry before 10pm Duelling Pianos @ Jumpin Jaks Music, Comedy and meaningless banter Okii hyoshi @ Metros Chunky Indie and Baggy beats with DJs Kimono Oneil and Johnny Akiro. 9pm-3am RnB @ Bar Ice Free entry Party Night @ Bar Med Resident DJs 9pm-2am Funk Dulux @ The Lounge Funky US house and garage. Free entry. The Mothership Convention- ‘Quattro’ @ The Toucan Bringing you the best bands and beats. This week the Toucan residents ‘Quattro’ return to take pride of place alongside DJ Lions in the main room with Krissy in the Café Bar. Twisted By Design @ Dempseys Alternative Indie 8pm til 1am £2.50 (NUS). Tim Russell @ Stylus With Matt Joy and Phil Brobin 10pm – 4am £8 (NUS) That'll Be The Day @ St David’s Hall Get ready to party at the nation’s favourite Rock’n’Roll show. 7:30pm From £12.00 John Hegley: The Sound of Paint Drying @ The Sherman Theatre Musing on a recent trip to France, painting, romance and throat sweets amongst other interesting topics! 7:30pm £10

Golate (Off St Mary Street) 02920 669901 Liquid St Mary Street 02920 645464 Metros (club Metropolitan) Baker’s Row 02920 399939 Moloko 7 Mill Lane 02920 225592 Flares St Mary Street Reflex (80s music) St Mary Street Emporium 8-10 High Street 02920 664577 Berlins 5-9 Church Street Creation Park Place 02920 377014 Jumpin’ Jack’s Millenium Plaza Wood Street Pubs and Bars Bar Cuba Unit 5, The Friary 02920 397967 Bar Risa Millenium Plaza Wood Road The George Mackintosh Place The Mackintosh Mundy Place The Woodville Woodville Road The End Wyverne Road Gassy Jacks Salisbury Road The Social Salisbury Road Inncognito Park Place Tut&Shive City Road Earnest Willows (Wetherspoon) City Road Ha! Ha! The Friary Bar Med The Friary Henry’s

Park Place Scrum Park Place BSB Windsor Place Central Bar (Wetherspoon) Windsor Place Dempseys Castle Street Rummer Tavern Duke Street RSVP St John Sreet Slug and Lettuce Working Street Gatekeeper (wetherspoon) Womanby Street Old Orleans, Church Street O’Neils Trinity Street Toad Trinity Street Yates’s Westgate Street Queen’s Vaults Westgate Street Oz Bar St Mary Street Is It? Wharton Street O’Neils St Mary Street Prince of Wales (wetherspoon) Wood Street The Square (philharmonic) St Mary Street Kitty Flynn’s St Mary Street Kings Cross (Gay pub) Mill Lane Walkabout St Mary Street Jongleurs Comedy Club St Mary Street Glee Comedy Club Bute Street, Cardiff Bay Blah Blahs St Mary Street Journeys 1 Upper Cliffton Street



Sunday Lunch @ Café Jazz 1pm-3pm Who wants to be a Clever Dick @ The Taf Pub Quiz kicks off at 7:30. £3 per team Hektic @ Elements Sunday sessions. Hard house with resident DJ Shane Morris. £3 Meltdown @ Journeys Featuring Railroad Bill, Mea Culpa, Albaizin, Ghostwriters. Sensational skifflemongers RAILROAD BILL, globally renowned for their deployment of Tea Chest Bass, Washboard, Mandolin, Ukulele, Guitar, Kazoo, Musical Saw, Squeaky Shark, a Roll of Sellotape and the sheer power of their own lungs and legs to dazzle and delight audiences all over the world. £2-50 (NUS) Taxi @ Moloko World music till 12midnight Free entry Smooth Jazz Sunday @ The Philharmonic Free Entry Acoustic Night @ Sam’s Bar £2/3 DJ Joe Gulis @ Walkabout The Acoustic Lounge @ The Toucan The best local singers songwriters and musicians play in an informal Setting with open mic sessions from 8pm – Tapas available. Ion @ The New Theatre Acclaimed Music Theatre Wales presents the World Stage Premiere Tour of Ion by Param Vir and David Lan ‘A sacred opera for a secular age’ 7:30pm From £7 Four Seasons by Candlelight @ St David’s Hall Mozart Festival Orchestra play: HANDEL Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba, BACH Air On The G String, HANDEL Ombra Mai Fu From Xerxes, MOZART Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, MOZART Suite From Water Music, VIVALDI The Four Seasons. This concert is presented in full 18th Century costume in an evocative candle-lit style setting. 7:30pm From £13

Here's this week's film listings for the Chapter Arts Centre. Variety is the spice of life! Starting Saturday 22nd November

Highlights Veronica Guerin @ Chapter Arts Centre, Wednesday and Thursday, 8:30pm.

If, like me, you missed the split second during which this was on general release, now is the chance to make up for it. I’m told it is truly gripping, go and see for yourselves...

Ion @ The New Theatre, Sunday, 7:30pm, From £7

Music Theatre Wales presents the World stage premiere tour of Param Vir’s beautiful and deeply moving new opera, Ion. A powerful tale of the human heart by one of the greatest masters of theatre, full of all too familiar themes of modern day life: abandoned children, infertility, gender injustices and crimes of passion all vividly expressed through this stunning musical theatre production. Look out for the amazing lighting and beautiful costume design.

*************************************** Little Longnose Russian animation based on classic fairy tales Sat: 10.30 Part of Cardiff Screen Festival Way Back Home A couple made refugees at the end of Colonial rule in India in 1947 revisit their homeland of Bangladesh Sat: 11.00am Part of Cardiff Screen Festival Matador (18) Almodovar’s study of desire, death and bull fighting. Sat: 2.00pm Part of Cardiff Screen Festival Wondrous Oblivion The story of Danny, a boy who loves cricket but is no good at it. Sat: 5.00pm Part of Cardiff Screen Festival Perfect Strangers A woman goes home with a good-looking man and finds that she’s bee kidnapped. Sat: 7.30pm Part of Cardiff Screen Festival Jonny Vang Three old friends try to work out their complicated relationships. Sat: 8.00pm Part of Cardiff Screen Festival Fargo (18) This Oscar-winner from 1997 follows a pair of bungling low-lifes hired to kidnap a salesman’s wife so that he can collect the ransom and pay off his debts. Frances McDormand stars. Sun: 5.00 Unknown Pleasures (12A) Two jobless friends have lots of times on their hands and begin to find it too difficult to resist the temptation of easy money. Sun, Mon, Wed, Thurs: 6.30 Le Divorce (12A) The latest film from Merchant Ivory is a new twist on the classic American-in-Paris theme. Kate Hudson and Glenn Close star. Sun: 8.00 Mon: 6.15, 8.30 Wed, Thurs: 6.15 Wed: 2.30 Animal Factory (15) An insightful study of friendship, honour and the effects of rough justice directed by Steve Buscemi and starring Willem Dafoe. Sun, Mon, Thurs: 2.30 Wed, Thurs: 8.40 In This World (15) Michael Winterbottom’s compelling film follows a young Afghan as he embarks on a hazardous overland trip through the Middle East to London. Tues: 6.15 Dirty Pretty Things (15) An edgy thriller set amongst London’s largely invisible community of illegal immigrants. Tues: 6.30 Veronica Guerin (18) An admirable leading performance from Cate Blanchett in this poignant portrait of an Irish journalist who risked everything in the search for truth culminating in her brutal murder. Wed, Thurs: 8.30 *****************************************************


Tud 14

Tachwedd 24 2003

Dafydd Iwan yn y Taf! Taith annibyniaeth yn codi syched Gan Rhys Iorwerth FE GAFODD rhai o selogion y Taf dipyn o sioc nos Lun diwethaf ar ôl i Dafydd Iwan – arweinydd cenedlaethol, gwleidydd a chanwr o fri – wneud ymddangosiad ym mar yr Undeb. A digon siwr fod Dafydd Iwan ei hun wedi cael sioc hefyd ar ôl i’r bownsars wrthod rhoi mynediad hyd nes ei fod o’n talu’r ffi i westeion – gan atgoffa’r eicon ei bod hi’n ddeugain mlynedd ers ei gyfnod yma yn fyfyriwr yng Nghaerdydd. Ond nid syched am beint oedd y tu ôl i’r ymweliad, ac nid gwddw sych ar ôl bod yn canu chwaith, ond cyfle i drafod mwy efo rhai o’r myfyrwyr oedd wedi bod mewn cyfarfod ar bedwerydd llawr yr Undeb ychydig ynghynt. Cyfarfod oedd hwn yn rhan o daith ‘Annibyniaeth yn Ewrop’ Ffederasiwn Myfyrwyr Plaid Cymru – sy’n rhoi cyfle i fyfyrwyr holl golegau’r wlad glywed llywydd y Blaid yn darlithio ar y pwnc, cyn ateb cwestiynau a chynnal trafodaeth. Yn y cyfarfod nos Lun, roedd Ystafell Rona Griffiths yn llawn at yr ymylon, a’r gynulleidfa’n droesdoriad o aelodau’r Ffederasiwn, o ddarlithwyr, ac o rai oedd wedi dod i ddangos diddordeb cyffredinol yn y ddadl. Roedd maint y gynulleidfa yn fwy na honno a gafwyd yn Aberystwyth fis yn ôl, ac roedd trefnwyr y noson wrth eu boddau. “Mae hi’n ffantastic fod yna gymaint wedi dod, boed yn gefnogwyr y Blaid neu beidio, i ddysgu mwy am y ddadl ynghylch annibyniaeth,” meddai Gwenllian Lansdown, cadeirydd y Ffederasiwn. “Roedd hi’n drafodaeth fywiog a buddiol a diolch i bawb a gyfrannodd.” Yn gwmni i Dafydd Iwan, roedd Leanne Wood, Aelod y Cynulliad yn rhanbarth Canol De Cymru. Hi agorodd y ddadl, gan bwysleisio cymaint o angen sydd i drafod y cwestiwn ar ddyfodol y wlad a’r weledigaeth am y dyfodol. Yn ganolog i hyn, meddai hi, mae

Dafydd Iwan, Leanne Wood AC a rhai o gwsmeriaid y Taf safon isel y dadlau yn y Cynulliad, sy’n deillio o ddiffyg pwer y corff a’r ffaith mai yn Llundain y gwneir y penderfyniadau pwysig i gyd. A heb fod gan Gymru y gallu i reoli ei sefyllfa ariannol ei hun a chodi trethi, mae hi’n amhosibl i’r Cynulliad allu mynd i’r afael â phroblemau economaidd y wlad. Tro Dafydd Iwan oedd hi wedyn, sy’n Llywydd ar Blaid Cymru ers rhai misoedd bellach. Mae ei weledigaeth wedi’i seilio’n gadarn ar weld Cymru yn dod yn aelod annibynnol o’r Undeb Ewropeaidd. Drwy hynny, meddai Mr Iwan, byddai Cymru’n gallu ymuno â’r gwledydd bychain eraill yn yr Undeb i alw am ail-rannu arian a chyfoeth y cyfandir. Dyna fyddai’n sicrhau bod y rhannau o Ewrop sydd dan anfantais yn gallu cystadlu â’r gwledydd mwy, a dyna’r unig ffordd i gael gwared â’r anghyfartaledd sy’n bodoli ar hyn o bryd.

Ac fel y pwysleisiodd Dafydd Iwan drwy’r cyfarfod, dyna’r unig ffordd i Gymru ffynnu yn y byd sydd ohoni. Roedd yna gyfle ar y diwedd i drafod a holi cwestiynau. Un o’r materion a gafodd sylw oedd delwedd Mr Iwan o’r trên – gyda gorsaf Llundain yn cynrychioli’r status quo, Birmingham yn cynrychioli Senedd fel honno yn yr Alban, ac Aberystwyth yn cynrychioli annibyniaeth i Gymru yn Ewrop. Ond i deithio’r holl ffordd byddai angen cymryd un cam ar y tro ac argyhoeddi holl bobl Cymru fod ideoleg a dadleuon o’r fath yn dal dwr. Yng ngeiriau Leanne Wood: "Nid a all Cymru fforddio cael annibyniaeth yw’r cwestiwn – y cwestiwn yw a all hi fforddio peidio." Nid Cymry yn unig oedd ymhlith y gynulleidfa, ac roedd hi’n ymddangos fod y dadleuon a’r cyd-destun byd-eang wedi gwneud argraff ar rai o’r Saeson oedd yn bresennol.

Llythyr gan ferch o Fryncoch Annwyl Ologyddion Taf-Od, Wel, ma Hi wedi bod yn darllen y dudalen yma’n wythnosol ers ei dyfodiad ac yn meddwl y bysai’n gyfle gwych iddi Hi gael gafael ar ffansi–man. I roi y stori iddyn nhw’n iawn mi ddoth Hi lawr i’r ddinas wedi i Walter Tomos fynd i fyw hefo Jên Ty-Cocyn llynedd. Roedd Hi braidd yn unig ’lwch a’r Sgamp Picton na’n mynd ar i wic hi. Be neith rhywun yn fy oed i ar ben fy hun ym Mryncoch medda chi? Fedrith hi ddim gneud jam riwbob am byth na fedrith?! Wel mi nath benderfynu gwneud cwrs matiwar stiwdant mewn materion cyfoes.Isho bod on ddy bôl ma Hi te.

Roedd llawer yn cyfaddef bod yr angerdd a’r teimladau gwleidyddol cryf wedi gadael stamp gadarnhaol ar y noson, hyd yn oed os oedd y syniadau braidd yn afrealistig yn eu barn nhw. Am y bar aeth pawb wedyn, gydag anrhydedd arbennig yn dod i ran Ian Jones o’r 3edd flwyddyn a lwyddodd i fachu ar y cyfle i arwyddo Dafydd Iwan i mewn i’r Taf. "Hwn fydd fy claim to fame i tra bydda i yn y coleg," meddai Ian. "Nid pawb sy’n cael braint o’r fath." Ond yn anffodus, lwyddwyd ddim i berswadio Dafydd Iwan i ganu, er gwaetha cael trafodaeth ddifyr lle pwysleisiwyd pa mor bwysig ydi hi i bawb sy’n poeni am ddyfodol Cymru i ymwneud yn weithgar â’r byd gwleidyddol. I ymateb neu gynnig sylwadau, ebostiwch Taf-Os ar bob cyfri:

Learn and Live Dysgu Byw Some vital phrases to get the Welsh language virgin started! Gair neu ddau i helpu’r rhai ansicr eu taf-od yn y Gymraeg! I ponder sometimes, what is behind the horizon and beyond all the stars? Ystyriaf weithiau, beth sydd y tu draw i’r gorwel ac y tu hwnt i’r holl sêr?

Beth bynnag, i fod yn onast tydi Hi ddim ‘di cal llawar o lwc yn Creation, na ‘chwaith yn Clwb Ifor wrth chwilio am ddyn i gadw cwmni iddi Hi. Felly meddwl nath Hi y bysa Hi’n cael mwy o lwc cael gafael ar

hogyn bach clên drwy dudalennau’r Gair Rhydd. Oes ‘na rhywun sy’n darllan yn ffansi bod yn doi-boi iddi Hi? Yn byw mewn gobaith, Lydia Tomos

Anfonwch unrhyw sylwadau, llythyrau neu gyfraniadau i’r cyfeiriad e-bost newydd:

Who built the gravy train to the heavens? Was it you, big-mouth? Pwy adeiladodd y trên grêfi i’r nefoedd? Ai chdi, yr hen geg fawr? I would love to be able to jump as gracefully as a kangaroo. Fe garwn allu neidio mor urddasol â changarw. What’s the time, pumpkin-head? I want to inflict some retribution on your soul. Faint o’r gloch ydi hi, benrwdan? Rwyf eisiau dial arnat ti a dy enaid.

COLOFN Y COFI ALLTUD (VIII) Wel, mi ddudais i’r wythnos dwytha y buasai’r Rhyng-Gol yn gymysgedd o’r gwych a’r gwachul a doeddwn i ddim yn bell ohoni y naill ffordd na’r llall. Mi gefais i benwythnos i’w gofio a doedd y seshiwn rownd y pybs ddim yn ddrwg chwaith. Dim ond biti bod yr heddlu yn Aber wedi methu dod o hyd i ddigon o bobol i’w harestio ac wedi gorfod troi at y Cofi Alltud i ddod dros y siom. Nid fod rhywun yn synnu rhyw lawer chwaith. Plisman ydi plisman yn y bôn a dydi’r ffaith ei fod o’n byw yn Aber ddim yn golygu fod yna fymryn mwy o sens rhwng ei glustiau. Yn wir, os ydi myfyrwyr y lle yn unrhyw linyn mesur, mi fydd yna lai. Mae’n siwr bod gan yr hen wynt oer yna sy’n chwythu o’r môr rywbeth i’w wneud hefo’r peth. Sefyll yn y lle chwech oeddwn i yn hwyr ar y pnawn Sadwrn, fel y bydd dyn yn dueddol o orfod gwneud ar ôl dau ddiwrnod yn cynnal y Llew Du am weddill y flwyddyn. Ac i mewn i’r ty bach yn gwmpeini y daeth yna rhyw benbwl a hwnnw’n amlwg heb glywed am Gaernarfon na natur ei thafodiaith o’r blaen. "Ti’n iawn mêt, sut wyt ti cont?" medda fi. Mi sbiodd y cranc i fyny arna i fel taswn i newydd bechu’i grefydd a chysgu hefo’i wraig ar yr un pryd. Ac mi ymatebodd y pen rwdan yr un mor anghwrtais drwy daflu peint cyfan yn gawod dros fy mhen i nes fod y Cofi Alltud yn socian at ei groen. Ac mi allwch chi fetio mai peint o chwerw oedd hwnnw. Erbyn i mi ddadebru, mi oedd y surbwchyn wedi’i heglu hi a doedd yna fawr o jans am gael dial. Yn enwedig, hynny ydi, o gyfarfod rheolwr y dafarn wrth ddod o’r toilet a hwnnw’n penderfynu fy nhaflu i allan am wneud ffasiwn lanast dros y llawr. Dwn i ddim os oedd y syniad wedi’i amlygu’i hun o’r blaen, ond petawn i wedi bod isio gwlychu mi fuaswn i wedi fy nhaflu’n hun i’r môr ac achub trafferth iddo fo a finna fel ein gilydd. Ac mi oedd yna waeth i ddod. Dwy eiliad oeddwn i wedi bod allan ar y stryd pan ddaeth yna ddeg mochyn mewn tri panda rownd y gornal a’r rheini’n sgrialu ar hyd y lôn fel tasa eu tinau nhw ar dân. Bron y buasach chi wedi meddwl bod Osama bin Laden a Saddam Hussain newydd gael eu gweld yn mynd am dro law yn llaw ar y prom. Ond yn amlwg mi oedd Cofi Alltud diniwed fel fi yn darged cynddrwg os nad gwaeth. "We’ve heard there’s been a disturbance in the toilets" medda un o’r plismyn, "and that you’ve been throwing pints all over yourself." "Callia wir Dduw," medda fi. "Eu hyfed nhw fydda i, nid eu taflu nhw." "So why are you so wet, then, clever boy?" medda fo. "Paid a siarad mor fudur, y sglyfath," medda fi. "In that case I’ll have to arrest you," medda fo, "for the self-showering of oneself with beer." Wel naw wfft i hynny, mi feddyliais i. Pwy glywodd am neb yn cael eu harestio am daflu peints dros eu hunain o’r blaen?! Dyma droi ar fy sawdl a’i gwadnu hi i lawr rhyw lwybr tywyll a chul nes oedd seirennau’r heddlu yn byddaru’r holl stryd. A finna’n gallu teimlo llygaid yn fy ngwylio i ym mhob twll a chornel a hanner awdurdodau Ceredigion ar fy ôl. Mi ddois i drwyddi yn y pendraw – fel y bydd y Cofi Alltud yn ei wneud bob tro – ond dim ond ar ôl chwysu digon i fy nghadw fi mewn diod am hanner blwyddyn. Ac i gadw’r Rhyng-Gol yn y meddwl am sbelan go lew, petai hi’n dod i hynny! Wela i chi wythnos nesa.


November 24 2003

Page 15

I’ll see you in court Libel laws can spell trouble for student media By Bec Storey and Andy Furniss Media Correspondents


om Ebbutt, editor of Cambridge University’s newspaper, Varsity, summed up nicely the effect the threat of libel can have on student media, "If we get sued, we’re up shit creek!" Libel is part of the law of defamation, which has no legal definition. It has become generally accepted as being an unfair attack on a person’s reputation. Defamation can be split into two forms: a written attack is known as libel, a spoken attack is known as slander. To attack someone’s reputation, to defame them, is to lower them in the minds of others. Lord Atkin (not to be confused with the "diet" doctor!) once said defaming someone will cause them to be "exposed to hatred, ridicule or contempt causing them to be shunned or avoided". If a court finds that someone has defamed someone else, the accused is legally responsible to pay damages, which are now capped at a maximum of £200,000. You can see why this would be such a problem for student media. Such measures are far less severe than past punishments: an accused would have his ears cut off, and if he offended a second time, the letters "SL" for "seditious libeller" would be branded into his forehead. A successful libel action today could cause a student newspaper to fold, which is why every article needs to be triple checked before going to print. Occasionally things do slip through

the net. The most notable example of this is provided by Aberdeen University Students’ Union newspaper, The Gaudie. The university was selling off self-catered flats. A rumour circulated that these would be sold to a friend of one of the university executive, who was considered to be a bit of a "Del Boy", and The Gaudie printed these rumours without checking the evidence. They were warned about the comments, but proceeded to publish the rumours for a second week running. The Gaudie was threatened with libel and were forced to apologise. Jamie Hunter, ex-editor of The Gaudie, said, "You simply can’t just print without hard evidence of the rumours". Stony Brook Press, a student newspaper, provides a humorous example from across the Atlantic. It was raided by US Secret Service Agents after the paper, in its satirical editorial, asked Jesus to ‘smite’ George W Bush. Such comments were inspired by Bush saying he had ‘found’ Jesus after the US elections. The US Government took the comments seriously and allegedly threatened to sue the paper’s editor. Let this be a lesson to us all! Closer to home, in October 2002, an ‘untrained fresher’ wrote an article for Nouse, York University’s campus rag. The article libelled a member of campus security and contained many factual inaccuracies. An emergency meeting was called and it was decided that the offending article would be hand-cut from the 2,500 copies of the paper. Nouse editor Adam Gristwood said "The removal of the article reflects Nouse’s commitment to honest reporting."

“Motion to Student Council: New Solus dress code”

Innocent until proven guilty Print media law is making a mockery of the legal process, argues Robbie Lane


Court out: Is libel really worth a visit to Cardiff Magistrates? With the sanctions for libel being so potentially catastrophic for student media, editors may find themselves being over-careful about comments that may be libellous. Media Law expert David Banks said of a Leeds Student incident, where the band Mogwai insulted the prime minister, "It is absolutely laughable to think that Tony Blair would sue a student newspaper because a pop singer said this.” Claims for libel may result not only due to comments about someone, but about the presentation of articles.

The Student Council runs your union. It is the only way that you can hold you elected officers to account. It is an ideal way of genuinely affecting how the union is run, boosting your CV, and improving your speaking skills. So next time you moan about the the Taf/O’Briens/gair rhydd think about coming along. The next meeting is Monday 24 November.

Come to Student Council and be part of the governing body of your students’ union... and stop motions like this getting passed.

Earlier this year, gair rhydd printed an article with the headline "Fight Club". Below the headline was a picture of local bar, The End. The article itself went on to be very complimentary of The End, but nevertheless the Cardiff bar complained to gair rhydd claiming that people may associate the headline with them. gair rhydd printed an apology over this matter. It is the role of the editor to ensure libellous comments don’t get published. "Be careful and use common sense," were the words of Neil Crook, editor of Scrapie, newspaper of the University of Bradford. This seems to be the general consensus between editors when it comes to libel. "You can’t be sued if your facts are right,”, observes our very own editor Tristan Thomas. The absolute defence for newspapers is that of justification. If the paper can prove that what it has printed is true, they will not be liable to pay damages. The responsibility is, however, on the newspaper to prove this, not on the person libelled to prove the allegations are false. It’s rare that newspapers will be prevented from publishing an article if it is likely to contain defamatory comments. This is the rule against prior restraint, which was employed recently when the Mail on Sunday had an injunction placed against them, preventing them from printing rumours about Prince Charles. Once an injunction is placed against one newspaper, other newspapers will act as if the injunction applies to them too. The injunction still stands so we are prevented from disclosing anything here. The saying about prior restraint is "publish and be damned", which effectively means that the paper can print, but must try to defend itself or face the consequences. Such a stance would be a risky in student media as the consequences are potentially catastrophic.

ast Easter, Alistair Wilbee, a primary school headteacher from the Isle of Wight, was arrested after an allegation of indecency was made against him on a residential trip. As is the procedure after such an accusation, he was immediately suspended from work and summoned to appear before magistrates. Three months later he pleaded not guilty, and was given a date to appear before the Crown Court where the claim would be examined by a jury. Before a single witness had given a statement in the Crown Court, and before the evidence had been examined in detail, the local newspaper, the Isle of Wight County Press, ran the front page headline ‘Headteacher Faces Child Sex Charge’, giving the name of the accused, his age, the school he worked at and even the road he lived in. In a place as small as the Isle of Wight, this had a devastating effect on his career and reputation, especially with the paper claiming to be read ‘by over 90% of Islanders’. On the eve of the newspaper going to press, aware of what would be printed, Alistair Wilbee left his house and didn’t return. On October 25 his body was discovered a mile from his home after he had taken his own life. His wife Gail described his death as "futile", adding: "He felt this publicity would result in a loss of standing and respect within the community that was irretrievable. Even if he was found innocent at a later date, his professional life as a headteacher had realistically come to an end.” The newspaper rightly claimed that they are expected to print his name under current law. If they hadn’t it would have been seen as unusual. Of course, had he been proven guilty in court there is a strong argument for publicising his name as part of the punishment - but a ‘charge’ is nothing more than an accusation, not the conclusion of the legal process. While he was theoretically innocent until proven guilty, with such widespread misunderstanding of the legal system, his previously untarnished reputation was immediately destroyed by the report. Both parties involved have been let down. The press deserve no part in the legal process until the jury have delivered their verdict. Unless the law is changed it is surely only a matter of time before a similar tragedy occurs again.

Media Muddle

Life is clearly getting interesting for Durham students. Front page news this week dealt with illegal gambling and opium societies allegedly rife within the university. Although it’s unclear if the societies are hoaxes or not, to quote their newspaper, the Palatinate, “it is clear there are still students… who have decided to conform to the elitist stereotype Durham has been trying to shake off.” The Palatinate is a broadsheet. Nuff said. Warwick Boar’s top tip this week – buy shares in MFI Furniture. It’s a great piece of advice but how many students do you know that can actually afford a share portfolio?

Jobs & Money

November 24 2003

Page 17

Real World Postcards from hthe Eagleton

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r -ing. Choosing to ignore this inne . ting ilara exh e voice was quit By Alex Dove and Step It is slightly disconcerting to en rtak ove e hav to ms h money you A strange affliction see to call the realise just how muc me recently. Something I like drome. The spend on home furnishings as Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen (LLB) synthat I am a soon as you’re earning anything belt. I expect the relatives first symptom which convinced me unnecessarily above the poverty as well. With the festive seasufferer of LLB was when I got this which hap- will pick up on excited by the momentous event of the first son just around the corner, I predict that presning ope the : theme of pened two weeks ago ents this year will run along the on it’s OK reas e es. som Ikea in Wal buzzing ‘things for the home’. For years when you’re This is worrying. The fact that I was ap to live in a shit-hole for three it becomes unacche s sell h whic e stor a r ove ent ker wor with excitem r that I am a student, but as a are trusted with a set of ly you Scandinavian furniture is an indicato den Sud e. tabl cep g enin gard g getting old. Soon I will be watchin tonics with ‘nice’ dishes and chrome bread bins. The next s steel steak programmes and drinking gin and level of promotion is a stainles ed in homel. loca my at arriv truly sad old men in soft fur- knife set, but you’ve Oddly enough, a lifelong interest h as it per- accessories heaven when you are given a vegnishings doesn’t scare me as mucey and a job etable steamer. Nothing beats this (except haps should. Now that I have mon extent. The maybe an ice-cream maker). g a working I feel a need to ‘nest’ to a certain y on alcohol You know that the reality of bein with prisyou ent pres ple peo prospect of frittering my money awa n whe , saving up for girl has hit still appeals, but less so. Instead k shelves is tine home appliances and gadgets which boo pine e just a bit disturbing a set of coasters or som ve by require proper care. It’s don’t mind receiving acti attr e mor ng omi bec is h whic that you an option ing fresh flow- when you realise the day. I even caught myself buy t. You can’t these things in place of the usual ten pound ers the other day. "What’s the poin waste of note or latest Coldplay CD. In fact, you could it… eat or drink them. What a sodding self protest actually get to like money", I heard my former student-

Improve your technique By Jemima Wood


nterviews. Love them or hate them, they are something that every student is going to have to go through at some stage in life. It may just be an interview for a part time shop job that is going to help sustain that active lifestyle (down the pub), the bar job that is going enable access to many a discounted drink, or maybe a prospective ‘real’ job when your university days are over. Whatever the situation, inter views are inescapable. However, they are not insurmountable. Contrary to popular belief the ‘interview’ is not a verbal assault course, at least it should never be viewed that way. Your prospective employer is not waiting with bated breath for you to trip up while you extol your virtues. They do actually want to employ you. The mere fact that you have got to interview stage is a good sign; they like you on paper already, the trick is to sell yourself in person. As everyone knows, selfpresentation is important. Dress to impress. Make sure you are punctual. A handshake that is neither wet fish or bone crusher is required along with that winning smile that says "I am a reliable, trustworthy person and you want to employ me." Synchronising the smile and the handshake and trying to introduce yourself whilst maintaining eye contact may sound like an impossible task when extremely nervous, but when done correctly the results can be impressive. First impressions do count. Many employers say that they decide whether to hire someone in the first

Money Talks “When shit becomes valuable, the poor will be born without assholes” Spike Milligan

FACT FILE The United States spends more money on its military than the next 12 highest military spending nations combined.

Crazy careers: Painting Conservator By Nicola York


thirty seconds of meeting them. So look good, act professionally and you may be on to a winner. If you have bothered to research a bit about the company interviewing you, your prospective employer will be impressed, so do your homework. The more enthusiasm shown the better. Remember to keep a copy of your application form, CV and covering letter. This is especially important if you’ve bent the truth slightly on the application form, ie. you aren’t really a black belt in karate or a member of MENSA. Then at least you will be prepared for the possibility that your employer may ask about these. This is where another valuable

interviewee quality comes in; ye olde art of blagging. No need to labour this point, most students are already experts. Whatever happens, do not waffle. This will irritate the interviewer and no doubt you after a while. Ask lots of questions. Do they provide training? What are the chances of promotion? What will my responsibilities be? Employers love all that. Always remember, be positive. No one wants to employ a miserable bastard. Present yourself as friendly, outgoing and genuinely interested in the job itself and it could be yours. The ‘Interview’ is a chance to talk about yourself for half an hour. How hard can it be?

o you know your stuff when it comes to art? If the answer’s yes, then you could consider a career as a painting conservator. Painting conservators preserve and repair works of art. Who is it for? Anyone with an interest in conserving art, and with an artistic and scientific flair for all things paint-like. Essential skills: - Money would be a start, as it’s extremely competitive and quite poorly paid; - An extensive knowledge of art history; - A degree in a relevant discipline; - Patience and perseverance; How do I become a painting conservator? Follow the links below for information on courses and ways of getting into this area. Useless facts: -Vincent Van Gogh only sold one painting whilst he was alive. -Human blood (generally the artist’s own) was commonly used by artists of the medieval period in the mixing of pigments. Where can I find further information? Final thoughts? If messing around with paints and valuable works of art gets you excited then why not have a bash?

News in brief Nicola York Christmas chaos

75 % of employers have had to take disciplinary action against employees after the annual staff Christmas piss-up, a new survey has revealed. As a result, 69% of bosses will not be paying for a company party this year. Most problems result from staff having too much to drink (could have told you that for free). This excess drinking leads to what the survey conductors referred to as "misconduct between members of staff", (so lots of shagging going on then). The bosses obviously aren’t getting any of the action and in their bitterness are refusing to host yet another party where they will be rejected by the secretary for the sixth year running).

Something fishy…

Among the wacky things that some applicants have been asked to carry out in interviews were: playing the piano, being asked to make a horse out of paper, and suggest what fish they would be. One particularly traumatised interviewee was asked "If you were a roundabout, which song would you sing?" Impersonating animals and singing songs were just a few of the crazy tasks which applicants for jobs find themselves being asked to perform.

Vetting trends

The most popular career choice among schoolgirls at the moment is to become a vet. I blame it on that crappy Vets in Practice programme that was on. Another tripe "Reality TV" show, following the lives of six vets in training, including Trude, the hopeless foreign blonde, who was always failing her exams and weeping copiously. The next popular career choices amongst schoolgirls are nursing and hairdressing. Can’t understand it myself. My aspiration, when I was eight, was to be a fishmonger (I kid you not).

Doleful Decrease

The dole queue is decreasing, due to a record number of people being in work in the UK. This is the highest number of people in employment since records began (Although bear in mind that records only began in 1984). The official figures are that 28.1 million people are employed, and the number of people claiming on the dole fell by 3,300 in September. This means the UK compares favourably with most of its international competitors at an unemployment rate of 5%, compared with 11.2% in Spain, 9.5% in France, 9.4% in Germany and 6.1% in the USA. If you want to comment on this page email

Volunteering behind the scenes


HIS IS your introduction to Student Volunteering Cardiff, better known as the SVC. A lot of people reading this have probably never heard of us or know what we do, but we are now the biggest student volunteering organisation in Wales and one of the

largest in the United Kingdom. Student volunteering has been around in Cardiff for nearly forty years. Our organisation, based in the Union, currently runs over twenty projects in Cardiff to support various community necessities. These include school based reading support, classroom help, working with

the mentally ill, befriending children and young people with learning disabilities, visitng adults with mental health problems, sports inclusive work with adults who have disabilities and refugee support schemes. As a registered charity, we survive on funding from various areas - not to mention hard graft - to take students from the uni and put them out into the city to make a difference. It’s a chance for students to gain valuable experience working with and around the professionals who keep our community going. What’s in it for you? Run by students and dedicated staff, SVC provide Cardiff with willing volunteers to help in areas where funding is low, or there simply aren’t enough hands to go round. With our current induction schemes we are able to provide students with the opportunity to gain project specific training. We offer training in child protection; play; curriculum skills, dealing with challenging behaviour and health and safety; not to mention the new possibility of first-aid and leadership skills courses. Whether you’re interested in gaining vital work experience, be it in the classroom, as a play worker or through working with people with autism or severe disabilities, SVC can get you into the working environment where you could increase your knowledge and develop your potential future career. Even if you just fancy getting some decent references or doing something to impress future employees then volunteering is definitely worth looking into. The best thing is it’s all FREE! By

New projects at SVC From working with young offenders to helping women who have suffered from domestic violence, this year saw a number of new volunteering opportunities being introduced to SVC. AWETU BLACK & MINORITY ETHNIC MENTAL HEALTH GROUP There are opportunities for volunteering within the hospital setting or in the community giving support through befriending. The befriending activities can take the form of going shopping, going to the cinema, or just having a chat over a cup of coffee. Working with Awetu will suit those who have a genuine interest in mental health and a desire to find out more about people from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. YOUTH OFFENDING Volunteers can work in a variety of roles with young offenders.

Appropriate adult witness various parts of the police procedure following the arrest and detention of young people between the ages of 10 & 16, this includes being present whilst young people are interviewed. Mentors work on a one-toone basis with individual young people giving them help and advice about issues such as their education, health and life styles. Community panels work with young offenders between the ages of 10 and 18 and encourage them to take responsibility for the harm or damage they have caused.

domestic violence to assisting in maintaining their 24 hour help line service.



BAWSO provides a specialist service to women and children from black & minority ethnic communities suffering domestic violence. Volunteers can help in a number of ways from accompanying outreach workers on visits to women who have experienced


SOUTH WALES PROBATION SERVICE A number of volunteering opportunities are available for people from black and minority ethnic communities within the South Wales Probation Service. These include shadowing senior staff for up to 3 days, working in hostels for ex offenders, or performing court duties.

This project offers DJs the chance to teach their skills to a group of asylum seeker children aged between 12 and 15. If you have any ideas for a project or are interested in any of the ones above come and see us in the office.

Can you help others to save lives? Would you like to gain first aid certification with the Red Cross? If so, why not join a new project working in primary schools passing on your First Aid knowledge to the under-11’s? Full training provided by the Red Cross – for more information please contact Lizzie Gifford in the SVC Office.

working closely with Cardiff City Council, and Innovate Trust (among others) our projects not only provide essential services in Cardiff, but also help to promote the presence and role of students in our local community. We might get bad press for drinking, fighting and not paying our taxes but there are approximately fifteen thousand of us in Cardiff and some of us are giving something back. SVC puts over a thousand Cardiff university students into our various projects. That’s 7% of our student body! Constantly willing to start new community based projects, and looking to expand each year, volunteering is fast becoming an indispensable commodity. It provides the opportunity not just for work experience, but also to meet and work

alongside people who share your interests. Other perks include an annual residential, conferences and the possibility of meeting students from other Welsh universities. Our regular socials naturally include the usual student antics of excessive drinking and dancing, not to forget our sparkly, funky winter ball; this year taking place on the 1st December at The Angel Hotel. £27 will get you a slap-up three-course meal, juggling performers, DJ sets, bingo and more…! So now you’ve heard of SVC, and if you want to leave University with more than your degree, then why not find out more about it? Visit our office on the third floor of the Union or give us a call on 02920 781 510.

Free Stuff

November 24 2003

Page 19


“If winning isn’t everything, why do they keep score? Vince Lombardi

WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! WIN! Such great prizes need no introduction. To enter any of the competitions on this page, write your answers and details on a postcard, a slip of paper or a fifty pound note, and drop them into the Competitions pigeon-hole in the gair rhydd office, or email them to

Watch out! There’s an Animal in town

You’re in your favourite pub, enjoying your favourite tipple with your mates/ partner/ grandparent/self (delete as appropriate). The atmosphere’s good and the night’s going well. What could possibly go wrong? Then something sounding suspiciously like the intro to Robbie Williams’ Let Me Entertain You suddenly blasts from the speaker just above your head. You clutch your shaking pint and bite your lip in the hope that it’s not … it can’t be … karaoke night. Some pretty boy in a stripy pink shirt with a white collar bellows the first line in a key that only he knows even exists. He’s immersed in the moment. No number of boos or waived fists can stop him. He’s destroying the last ounce of respect he had from his few mates. The only question that remains is whether he’ll get through the song in one piece. There’s no fucking way you’re staying to find out. But don’t worry, because Interactive Karaoke takes Will Young’s favourite toy away from the pubs and into your houses.

collectable from the Mountain Bike Shows (subject to availability). All you have to do is take the voucher to the ANIMAL store next to Starbucks in the St David's

Centre, to collect your free gift. To celebrate, Animal are giving away one of their latest technical watches, worth £79.99, which you can grab yourselves by answering the following simple question to

prove you’ve been paying attention:

instruments (that counts you out Will!), including drums, bass, guitar and keyboard, just by plugging them into the audio mixer. Interactive Karaoke is a collection of eleven discs, covering numerous different genres (including chart hits, r n b and rock) that can be played on any DVD player, Playstation or Xbox. To support the launch there’s also a starter pack available, including a high quality microphone, audio mixer and all the cables you need to plug into your DVD player and TV to turn them into a fully featured Karaoke machine. We’ve got the whole shebang (the starter pack and 11 DVDs, worth a total of £200) to give away to one lucky winner.

Sing When You’re Winning The punters can sing without inhibitions, the landlords don’t have to clean up broken glass each week and we can enjoy our pints in our honest to goodness locals. What’s more, Interactive Karaoke sees karaoke finally moving into the

21st century. There’s no machine needed and it also allows you to take complete control by changing different aspects of the software, letting you play or remove a number of different tracks. What’s more, it doesn’t just cater for vocals, oh no! You can also play along to the track with a number of different

This week’s winner is Jo Bluemel, who studies Biology at Cardiff University

Shocking Behaviour!

Next week sees the launch of grab’s sociological experiment, Which ‘Shocking Behaviour’, in which we Mountain Bike Rider will be take to the streets of Cardiff once a week in a noble quest to discover performing in Cardiff town just how far Cardiff students will go centre on Saturday 22nd November to promote the new for free alcohol. Each week, whoever’s got the bottle to undertake one ANIMAL store? of my shocking tasks will receive a bottle of Enter in the usual way. After Shock and an After Shock goody bag for their troubles. They’ll also get their picture and details of the dirty deed printed in grab! Before the games begin though, After Shock has put together a great prize to celebrate the launch of Shocking Behaviour. Without even having to shame yourselves in any way, you can win yourself a bottle of After Shock and a pair of tickets to see Electric Six (see the cunning connection?) at our very own Student Union.

To win, just tell us which Eminem song features on the Chart Hits Volume 3 DVD. Find the answer by visiting Piece of piss really. answers to

WINNER OF THE WEEK JAMES HEWITT The man made famous for trying to sell love letters from Princess Diana is taking another step in his campaign to offend the nation by launching a career as a rapper. The former major has teamed up with MC Harvey from So Solid Crew to release a Christmas single entitled ‘Ding Dong’, referring to one of Hewitt’s chat-up lines. In the week when there’s talk of reinstating the death penalty, James is treading on dangerous ground.

First, a word from our sponsors…

Sick to the back teeth of studying? Speechless that yet another weekend is heading the same, dull way? Wondering when you are next going to be able to enjoy yourself? Well, hopefully not for much longer. gair rhydd has teamed up with After Shock in an effort to transform your weekend and prevent you from falling even further into the depths of despair. So, to win the tickets, plus a bottle of the nation’s most extreme shooter, take a deep breath and prepare yourself for a very sticky question… What name is given to men who transform themselves by cross-dressing? a) Transvestite b) Transporter c) Translucent (Clue: you may spot one of these working behind the bar at Glee Club at Cardiff Bay!)

The times they are a changin’ Time of Defiance is an online-only massively multiplayer real-time strategy game, with each game lasting up to four weeks. So for those of you who have internet at home (ie. those who have successfully negotiated NTL’s own web of defiance and confusion) this is a must-have coursework distraction. Set on the northern continent of Nespanona, you and hundreds of other players fight for control of the natural resources that can be mined from the many islands. You play the game by controlling various vehicles and buildings to extract resources, build warships and explore the continent. You can also talk to other players in the game and negotiate peace or war. Every other empire you encounter is another human and will remember the deals you didn't deliver on and the promises you broke. Treachery, propaganda and trade

are just as important as your fighting strategy. Time of Defiance is available to buy for the PC from November 21st, but we’ve got 5 copies up for grabs, as well as a de-ionizing salt lamp (pictured below). To be in with a chance of winning, just send us your answer the following simple question: Clinical and biochemical research has shown that a host of products considered essential to our modern lifestyles, produce an excess of positive ions, which upset the natural balance of our environment. Salt is one of the purest naturally occurring minerals and a rich source of negative ions. But should we bring back the death penalty?


Last week’s answers and winners PAINTBALL Charlotte Spratt, Matt Greenaway and Dan Ross have all won a day’s paintballing at Taskforce, Cowbridge. Jamie Oliver, Craig David and Rick Waller, watch your backs. ECHELON WIND WARRIORS Well done to Ian McKeganey for winning the joystick and a copy of the game. Runners-up, who each win a copy of the game are Chris Allen, Alvin Lai,James Long and Andy Begg. PS2 GAMES This week my inbox was full to the brim with shameless begs for PS2 Games. The three proud (read: most desperate and pitiful) winners were Leon Cohen (SSX3), Mark Jenkins (Hit & Run) and Alexandra Hendrie (FIFA 2003) Winners will be contacted by email when their prizes are ready for collection I apologise for the pinkness of this page. Again. But come on, it got your attention didn’t it.

ANIMAL have recently opened a brand new store in the St David's Centre and are bringing England's top Mountain Biker Martyn Ashton to Cardiff city centre to wow the public with breath-taking displays of skill and danger. In March Martyn broke his back attempting a 360 from the top of his Mitsubishi L200 4x4 Jeep, which he uses as part of the demonstration. Recently back on his mountain bike after an 8 month recovery period, Martyn is back in action and will be doing demo's in St John's Street outside the Slug 'n' Lettuce on Saturday 22nd November. Animal will be there giving away free t-shirts, wallets and stickers plus the opportunity to meet Martyn outside the Animal Store. As part of the demonstration, the Animal team wil be giving away vouchers for a FREE boardbag pencil cases (essential for any hardworking student) which are


November 24 2003

Page 21

Your essential guide to this week’s TV 24 November to 30 November

Jacko goes down for kiddies

Troubled King Of Pop investigated over child porn allegations

HOT Doctor Who. Yes call me sentimental and a geek, but TV Andy has got a soft spot for the TARDIS, cybermen, darleks and girls in short skirts screaming at the camera. This week is the show’s 40th anniversary and there’s a new series in the pipeline. Anyone fancy a Jelly Baby?

SOAPS Hello Kittens! I am really useless at the moment, because I haven’t watched Easties or Neighbours for ages, as I have been busy having a life. Or at least pretending to have one... However, things have been going on with Den/Dennis/Sharon/Phil/ Lisa in Eastenders that end in a cataclysmic twist. Phil is put behind bars! And I don’t mean a barbecue to roast his porcine flesh. You wouldn’t eat it anyway...would you? Anyway, so you know, there’s a double episode on Thursday. Neighbours has gone a bit evil and sick-making. Boyd and Sky? Jackhammer Jesus! And the Scully’s ‘bonding’. I’d like to see something happen between Steph and Jack, though. They’ve been getting rather close recently... Lots of love from TV Holly xxxxxx

Hello my darlings! I, TV Holly, am full of glee today, having been admiring dildos with Alex. However, if you have no internet capabitlities to enjoy the world of cyber sex-shopping, then this is what you must watch. That is the law, and if you break it I’ll come to your house with my handcuffs and Mr Whip to show you who’s boss... Right, anyway, on Tuesday, watch Take My Mother-InLaw (ITV1, 9.45pm). At first, I thought it would be a second-rate Wife Swap, (You know what I mean). But actually, it’s even more stupid and therefore not as upsetting. I know I shouldn’t get upset by TV, but I am susceptible to random emotions when suffering from STDs. Anyway. It is a very ridiculous premise - mother-in-law moves in with inept father and horde of brats to prove that she does actually know best - but it is very entertaining. This is mainly because the mothers are such harridans, and frighteningly rigid. But I was also surprised to see what complete bastards the kids were. They weren’t like that in my day... To be a bit less pleb-like, I am also picking The Importance of Being Famous (9pm, Channel 4/11.45pm, S4C). In an attempt to look as if I actually have more between my ears than some Wrexhamite’s festering, ancient jism, I am picking something that actually

DIGITAL WATCH Writing the Digital section of this page is the most incredibly tedious experience. It’s the same things on every channel every week. E4 is by far the worst offender for this, but this week there are some new programs that, rare as a single straight man at a Kylie gig, aren’t either a repeat of Friends, Jamie Fucking Kennedy or Sex in the Goddamn City. These are The Bronx Bunny Show (E4 11.05pm Mon, Tues, Wed) although I can’t say I know anything about it, apart from that it features salacious guests like Hugh Hefner and Steve-O from Jackass, appears to be some sort of public access style chat show, and is presented by two puppets. Sounds like a load of shit to me, but it might be your bag. Haha, actually sorry I’m mistaken, there aren’t any other new programs on E4 sadly, I think I was jumping the gun there. But BBC3 are continuing with their Rock Shrines (Weekdays 7.15) series, celebrating various daisy-pushing celebrities like Dusty Springfield, Freddy Mercury and Biggie Smalls by going to their graves and interviewing moronic gimps hanging around. “Gee man I just LURVE Dusty! Y’all she wuz like, she wuz like a sistah to me yah? I visit her grave everrey god dang day ya know?” Kill them. Although it’s nice to know they aren’t just doing obvious motherfuckers like Jim Morrisson who was boring anyway. xxx

asks a serious question. What does being a celebrity mean in 21st century Britain? Being addicted to heat, I am ashamed to say that I am not immune from the celeb-love either. And this time, I’m not just talking about James Lance. Lots of love xxx There’s only one pick from TV John this week, unless you want to count The Royal Variety Performance which I don’t, and so this week I’m celebrating one thing, and one thing only, which is that five have finally starting showing late night soft porn again. Gone, it seems are the days of World War Two Nazi documentaries and guff about building the ultimate submarine, and instead we have things like Forbidden (11.15pm, Monday) a description of which I’ll quote from the horses mouth itself: “A clandestine night of passion comes back to haunt the happily

attached individuals involved years later.” Clandestine? Phwoar. TV Andy’s here with a big fat chunk of space to fill as always so I’ll have to dig deep into my big bag of televisiual treats for your delectation this week. First up on Friday gives us the delights of the all new look Top Of The Pops (BBC 1 7pm). Apparently more of a “magazine show” lets hope that it’s more of a Razzle than Psychic Pets Monthly and will actually have some talented people on it. Hopes of the latter are instantly dashed as I hear that Skeletor herself, Victoria Beckham is scheduled to appear. Lets hope she won’t be singing for the sake of the children. Speaking of children in need, the postponed Michael Jackson Story is on ITV 2 on Tuesday at 10pm. Plucked from the schedules last week due to Jacko’s run in with the law over alleged child pornography at his home, this reverential look at the King Of Pop’s career highlights should be good fun and remind us of more innocent times when he had his own nose and original skin tone. Finally on Saturday Channel 4 gives us the 100 Greatest Sexy Moments at 9pm so stick Bazza on the stereo turn the lights down low and stock up on the baby oil as 4 gets it’s mojo working. Enjoy yourselves homeboys. TV Andy out. xxxx

VIDEOS TO RENT:BUY Hello Dave! You want to buy some pegs Dave? My wife says there’s a block in your toilet.... Yes if you hadn’t already guessed The League Of Gentlemen Series 3 is out on DVD and video and Papa Lazarou, Ollie Plimpsoles and the rest of the crazy northerners are back to terrorise your TV. With their third series the quartet of writers behind the Gentlemen ditched the laughter track, killed off their best loved characters and decided to run each storyline in parrallel adding a little extra each week. Though some people complained about the changes, with repeated viewing it’s easily the best written and highest quality material of the three with the trademark nods to classic films, strange British rituals and generally absurdity all in place. The series also developed a great visual flair as the material explore it’s TV medium rather than retaining it’s stage roots. With deleted scenes, commentaries and a host of featurettes is a must for fans, friends and wives everywhere...

NOT Dubya. I know CUNT he’s an easy target (I certainly hope so...) but I feel that good old curious George hasn’t had enough abuse from TV Desk yet this year. His “tour” of the UK is thankfully short, but like a TV Andys farts, deeply unpleasant. Lets hope the voters do the right thing and kick his ass to the curb.

SPORT We Are The Champions? The Snooker may be back on BBC 2 [Boo!], but by the time you’re reading this England will hopefully be the Rugby World Champions. It’s been a long a difficult road and Johnny Wilkinson deserves a knighthood (if you’re English) or to be shot (if you’re Welsh or French). Then again we’ve fallen at the final hurdle before...

FILMS Star of this week’s best film is little Audrey II, the man eating plant in The Little Shop Of Horrors (Friday five 1.30am). Frank Oz’s classic remake of the Roger Corman great is full of humour, music and giant carnivorous plants. Steve Martin has a great cameo as a mental dentist and Bill Murray gets a look in too.

RADIO Hypochondriacs unite! Have you ever had a health worry that you’re too embarrassed to go to the doctor’s about? Or have you needed a random excuse to get off work, and have used the diarrheoa/STDs excuse to oblivion and back? Well, here’s a novel way to learn about your ‘illnesses’! Radio 4 have come to your rescue with Case Notes (9pm). Presented by the hyperevil Dr. Mark Porter, the programme is billed as ‘an investigative medical series’. It sounds like a neurotic load of gash, but if you like to pretend you’re ill (as I do, every Thursday, which is my excuse for terminally unfunny TV listings), then it’s always good to give your problem a name. Anyway, they might cover what to do if your minge/cock starts to leak indescribably stinking, yellowing filth and you’re too scared to do anything about it. x


Page 22

November 24 2003

Monday 24 November BBC1



06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads Current obsession: Five smug, cretinous gits who excel in TV quizzes presumably because they don’t get enough hot loving, or were beaten as children, take on challengers each week and smugly beat their asses with their superior “Intellect” (ie- knowing more about Sardinian railway systems). Enough!13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Boo! 15.35 Bob the Builder 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Eureka TV 16.40 Jackie Chan Adventures 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Karl skips a lecture to spend time with Izzy. Urgh! Not another affair in the Kennedy household. Boring. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Holiday 2004 19.30 X Ray 20.00 EastEnders 20.30 Changing Rooms 21.00 Merseybeat 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Oliver Cromwell: Warts and All 23.35 FILM: Jaws 3 ** 01.15 Sign Zone: The Blue Planet 02.05 Sign Zone: A Life of Grime 02.35 Sign Zone: Celebrity Dog School Anyone know the sign language for “Barrel of shite?” 03.05 Sign Zone: Time Flyers

06.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 06.10 Fireman Sam My money’s on Norman being the cause of the fire. 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Rotten Ralph 07.30 I Love Mummy 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Wide Eye 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 English Express 11.10 Megamaths 11.30 Let's Write a Story 11.50 Social Inclusion Dramas 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures 13.30 Snooker 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.45 Snooker 20.00 Theatre of Dreams 20.30 University Challenge 21.00 Room 101 21.30 Absolute Power 22.00 Dead Ringers 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker Gaaah! Noone likes snooker! I’ve never met anyone that likes watching snooker! I did meet someone who wanted to bone Matthew Stevens, but even they admitted that in the context of his sport, they’d rather fuck their own mother. 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Civil War 01.00 Ever Wondered? About what? Breastfeeding? Yes! 01.30 The Glastonbury Tales Number eighty-four “Me and this guy smoked so much weed... we didn’t even get to see REM!” 02.00 Secondary Schools - Languages: Isabel 04.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 3-4 05.00 Make Your Mark: In Europe

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 All Grown Up! 16.00 All Grown Up! 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Nicola prepares to trawl the village for a new man. 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 Tonight - Extreme Makeover - With Trevor 20.30 Coronation Street 21.00 Between the Sheets Peter and a reluctant Hazel begin their sex homework. Urgh. 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 The Frank Skinner Show 23.20 The Premiership on Monday 00.20 Champions League Weekly 00.45 Football League Extra 01.25 Today with Des and Mel 02.15 Now and Again 03.00 Entertainment Now! 03.25 Tonight - Extreme Makeover With Trevor McDonald 03.50 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News There are no less than three different programs on ITV1 today with exclamation marks in the title! Stop this madness! Record-breakingly low quality television here. Corrie’s gone obsessed with Liz MacDonald even though she’s a boring slagmongering lingering tart, and even though psychopath Jim is back, this can fuck off.



19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Freddie Mercury's Rock Shrine Yes: I’ve loads of space here, so let’s talk about Queen. I’m not going to go on about how I’m glad Fred’s dead or anything, but Jesus Fucking Christ are Queen ever shit. Novelty crap. Bohemian Rhapsody is crap, because it sounds like about five crap songs that don’t work together because they’re all crap. And I needn’t even mention that “bicycle” song. Motherfuckers. 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Little Britain 23.00 Monkey Dust 23.30 Gimme Gimme Gimme 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Liquid Assets: Kylie's Millions 01.25 Little Britain

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Confessions 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Movies Now 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Champions League Weekly 21.00 Take My Mother-inLaw 22.00 Million Dollar Babes 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Coronation Street 23.35 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 Jerry Springer 00.50 Late Show with David Letterman 01.40 The John Walsh Show 02.30

The Planet’s Funniest Animals ITV2 8pm

I Love Mummy BBC2 7.30am



06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ribidires 12.45 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Mr Men and Little Miss 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Bibi 13.15 A Place in the Sun 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan 16.15 Planed Plant: Dennis a Dannedd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy With guests Will Young and Piers Moron. Ah lovely William, where have you been? Why couldn’t Piers have fucked off for a year or so to reconsider his career? Sob sob sob. 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Cefn Gwlad Another chance to enjoy a classic edition of the series in which Dai Jones meets interesting countryside characters, apparently. Call me cynical, but the only interesting characers I tend to meet in the country either threaten to shoot me, attempt to shoot me, or invite me to pick strawberries in an “I’m going to shoot you” manner. 20.30 Ffermio Weekly 21.00 Pobol y Cwm 21.30 Sgorio 22.35 No Going Back: Australia 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.15 Ancient Egyptians 01.15 Will and Grace 01.40 Speed Machines 02.40 Harem 04.00 Ysgolion

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Domestic Magic 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: The Return of Marcus Welby, MD ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs Sadie is invited to a singles party. Don’t go if you know what’s good for you, love. 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Building the Ultimate 20.30 Fifth Gear 21.00 FILM: Metro *** 23.15 FILM: Forbidden See pick of the week * 00.45 NFL Update 01.25 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 02.15 2003 X Games 03.40 Argentinian Football Highlights 04.30 Argentinian Football Yawn. The entire office is hungover, although on the plus side, more comedy pictures of Michael Jackson in the news, Scotlands untimely demise in the football qualifiers - they almost had me going for a while, with their (in hindsight, lucky) win in the first game. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha; If I cared about football, I’d sympathise, but I’m not, so haha.




10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Good Morning Miami 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Sex and the City 22.30 Little Friends 23.05 The Bronx Bunny Show Twisted public access style `adult education' show. Draw your own conclusions from this, but it has Steve-O from Jackass in it, so for a realistic pointer, it’ll be repulsive. 23.35 Porn: A Family Business: ASSistant Adam finds himself in a dilemma when his long-time trusted assistant decides she wants to be his newest `tushy girl'. “This was actually good” - TV Holly. Oh, and a “tushy girl” is a girl with a preposturous ass, apparently. 00.10 V Graham Norton 00.50 The Salon 01.20 Hollyoaks 01.50 Dawson's Creek 02.40 Sex and the City 03.10 The Bronx Bunny Show

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Ride to Freedom: The Rosa Parks Story *** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Stargate SG-1 21.00 FILM: Virtual Obsession Your guess is as good as mine as to why this is being shown on TV tonight and also tomorrow. Go, on watch it twice, it could be about Lara Croft, you prepubescent nerds.** 22.30 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 23.00 South Park 23.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.30 The X Files 01.25 Angel 02.20 JAG 03.15 Cribs 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 British Tribes

10.45 Animated Tales of the World. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Marchen und Geschichten. 11.40 Think Business. 12.30 In Your Face 12.40 Cheers 13.10 FILM: Blue Murder at St Trinians *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 AIR: New Balls Please 20.00 Salvage Squad: Amphibious Truck 21.00 Brinks-Mat: The Greatest Heist 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.45 FILM: Young Guns II With *** 00.40 FILM: Little Otik. Dark Czech folk tale, combining live action and animation, about a childless couple who adopt the root of a tree stump after noting its resemblance to a child. The husband carves it into the likeness of a baby and, after receiving motherly love and attention, the carving comes to life. However, the couple's harmony is soon destroyed when the creature reveals an insatiable craving for human flesh.

Monday 24 November


November 24 2003

Page 23

Tuesday 25 November BBC1



06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Metalheads 16.25 Watch My Chops 16.35 The Queen's Nose 17.00 SMart 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Izzy makes matters worse with Susan. Karl is driven to drink when they inform him that they don’t want a threesome. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Watchdog 19.30 EastEnders Dennis's wild behaviour throws Phil and Den together, as they wrestle on the floor of the snooker hall looking for the lost ‘ball’. Shirley delivers an ultimatum to Ash: “Roger me senseless with that Virgin Mary dildo or die.” 20.00 Holby City 21.00 Living Without a Memory 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.35 Week In, Week Out 23.05 The Hand of God 23.55 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross Some Colin Farrell shit. 00.25 Station of Islam 00.55 FILM: Breaking Up Russell Crowe and Salma Hayek. Shock! I’ve actually seen this. Sex and things...** 02.25 Chelsea Tales: The Wealthiest Place in Britain 03.15 Hidden Treasure 03.45 See Hear 04.30 News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Snailsbury Tales 07.30 Chuck Finn 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Bob the Builder 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Andy Pandy 10.25 Stingray 10.50 BBC Primary History 11.10 Coming to England 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Numbertime 13.15 Words and Pictures Plus 13.30 Snooker 14.00 15.00 Snooker 17.15 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 TOTP 2 Songs from Swing Out Sister, Elton John, Ozzy Osbourne, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Lionel Richie, Mankind and Michael Jackson. Hmm. I think I may be blessed with psychic abilities...I put a picture of Wacko for a ‘Poetic Justice’ montage last week, and now he’s been arrested...So anyway, don’t expect his ‘performance’ to be included here. No, his singing, you filthy mutts. 18.45 Snooker 20.00 Kennedy 40: Days That Shook the World: JFK 20.30 Royal Gardeners 21.00 Living the Dream 21.50 Ancient Voices 22.00 Can't Take It with You 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Ever Wondered about Food? 01.00 Paying the Penalty 01.30 Wembley Stadium: Venue of Legends 02.00 Languages: Susanne 04.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 5-6 05.00 Make Your Mark: Snakes and Ladders

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 What about Mimi? 16.00 Jungle Run 16.30 Pirate Islands 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Katie and Robert's passion intensifies, and they move into the ‘honeymoon’ period of their relationship, i.e. golden showers. Nicola enjoys a game of darts with Simon, but has he hit the bullseye? Well, it’d be better than hitting his jap’s eye. 19.30 Champions League Live: Inter Milan v Arsenal 21.45 Take My Mother-inLaw 52-year-old June tries to change her son-in-law Derek, who she deems a male chauvinist pig, and worries that his son Ryan is following in his father's footsteps. This was frightening last week, so I’d expect more mother-knowsbest type tension. However, things got far more scary when my housemate said that she would go mad if her mother-in-law moved in. Er, you’re 21 and not married. You should be out molesting freshers in Rubber Duck! (And getting knob rot.) 22.45 ITV News at Ten 23.15 Champions League 00.20 Russell Crowe Master and Commander 00.45 FILM: A Mother's Instinct ** 02.15 Champions League 03.50 World Football 04.20 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

Take My Mother-InLaw ITV1 9.45pm



06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 Ysgolion 11.45 Bobinogi 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Wil Cwac Cwac 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Pei Pwmpen 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Dic a Dei a Delyth 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Tales from River Cottage 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 16.25 Planed Plant: Mas Draw 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Wedi 7 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm Who will get the job in the chip shop? 20.25 Wawffactor! 21.00 Naw Tan Naw 21.30 Location, Location, Location Revisited 22.00 Seven Days That Shook Coronation Street 23.05 V Graham Norton 23.45 The Importance of Being Famous Presented by Piers Morgan, editor of the Daily Mirror, the series asks why society is fixated on celebrity culture and whether it has gone too far. In this programme, Piers enters the world of showbiz premieres and asks celebrities about the pros and cons of being well known. Money, sex...I can’t think of anymore, but surely they’re enough? 00.45 Chatting to Death 01.45 The Theory of Everything 02.45 Trans World Sport 04.00 Ysgolion

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Domestic Magic 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: My Husband's Double Life ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Dani is faced with carrying out an awful duty, but Fisher only makes sex-blancmange once every forty years, so she must perservere until she cracks her tender jaw. Dylan makes a decision: he will become a self-made eunuch so he can go to work in a harrem. 18.30 Family Affairs Pete suggests putting the wedding on hold, having found out that TV Holly comes from Wrexham. 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Dumber and Dumber 2 20.30 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver 21.00 CSI: Miami 21.55 CSI: Crime Scene 22.50 The FBI Files: Crime Spree 23.50 La Femme Nikita 00.35 NFL Game of the Week: Tampa Bay Buccaneers v New York Giants 04.20 Dutch Football:






19.00 The 7 O'Clock News 19.15 Michael Hutchence's Rock Shrine 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 Liquid News Tonight's guests include Ron Jeremy - long-schlonged legend! 20.30 What Not to Wear 21.00 Little Britain 21.30 Monkey Dust 22.00 EastEnders Alfie comes up with the perfect venue for his wedding to Kat: the clap clinic. 22.30 EastEnders Revealed 23.00 Desirability Dani Behr presents the series looking at disability and sexuality. Featuring Lisa Bufano, an amputee who performs live erotic shows on her website. I went to school with a midget (does that count as a disability?) and the blow jobs she gave her boyfriend were unbelievable. Talk about fill her up... 23.30 Vinnie: Sing a Long 00.00 Liquid News 00.30 Little Britain 01.00 Monkey Dust 01.30 Sex, Warts and All USA 02.00 Desirability 02.30 Vinnie 03.00 Stupid Punts 03.30 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Ask a Silly Question 18.00 Coronation Street Cecil has a surprise proposal for Bet. What a dirty old man! Poor old Bet is far too aged for fisting, even if he does lubricate. 18.30 Champions League Live: Celtic v Bayern Munich 22.00 The Michael Jackson Story Now I deeply suspect that this will not be shown, but at time of going to press, this is the listing. Gutted, because I really wanted to see this. Never mind, I’ll just go on the internet for my paedo fix then...Joke! 23.30 Murder Re-Opened: The Alphabet Killer 00.30 Jerry Springer 01.20 Late Show with David Letterman 02.10 Teleshopping 03.10 Trisha 04.05 Trisha Extra 04.30 Judge Judy

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Ross asks the guys for moral support when he meets Elizabeth's dad for the first time. With special guest Bruce Willis. The depths that some people drop to. Pulp Fiction vs. Friends: discuss. 17.30 Friends Ross secretly takes his girlfriend away for the weekend, even though her father threatens to have him fired. Presumably that should read abducts: no female would want to be alone with the droopy-faced whiner (probably with a knob like a cocktail sausage). Would they? 18.00 Good Morning Miami 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek Audrey gets drunk before her concert and ends up making a scene. Shock! Someone actually participating in the rites of being a teenager in the Creek! 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 The West Wing 22.00 Sex and the City 22.35 Daisy Daisy 23.05 The Bronx Bunny Show 23.40 V Graham Norton 00.15 The Salon 00.45 Hollyoaks 01.15 The West Wing 02.05 Sex and the City 02.40 The Bronx Bunny Show 03.05 Daisy Daisy

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: For Love of Olivia ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 The Simpsons 20.30 The Simpsons 21.00 FILM: Virtual Obsession TV Andy’s Paris Hilton internet video fetish spirals out of control. ** 22.30 Ultimate 10 Unexplained Mysteries 1) Who sent a text to GR extolling my genius? 2) Why does the office smell of mushrooms? 3) Is that smell actually the smell of festering jism? 4) How have I avoided a hangover? 5) Why am I failing my course already? 6) Why has my knicker elastic broken when they’re a new pair? 7) How does TV Fuck keep his hair in such good condition? 8) Why hasn’t my Baby Jesus butt plug arrived yet? 9) Where has Michael Jackson gone, and finally 10) Have I filled this space yet? 23.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation 00.30 The X Files 01.25 Angel 02.20 JAG 03.15 Cribs

As S4C, except: 06.00 The Trap Door 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Jamaica. 9.45 Tales from Wales. 10.00 Mind Game. 10.25 The Penneys. 10.50 Number Crew 2. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 Citizen Power. 11.50 National Gallery. 11.55 Tate Modern. 12.30 Water Stories 12.35 Cheers 13.05 FILM: Maytime in Mayfair *** 14.45 Fifteen to One 15.15 Countdown 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 AIR: Big Feet 20.00 Property Ladder 21.00 The Importance of Being Famous 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Chatting to Death Documentary exploring the phenomenon of suicide chatrooms on the internet. WTF? What are these? I thought it was a programme about me when drunk. Because, of course, everything revolves around me. 23.45 The Armando Iannucci Shows 00.20 The Secret Life of Us 01.15 The Corner 02.20 Enterprise 03.05 Stargate SG-1 03.50 Final Communique A tenant who steals letters which are delivered to his house for other people. Ooh, the thrill of illicit letter opening! 04.00 4Learning 4.00 Number Crew 2. 5.40 Making It.

The Michael Jackson Story ITV2 10pm

Tuesday 25 November


Page 24

November 24 2003

Wednesday 26 November BBC1



06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 10.45 State Opening of Parliament 2003 Don’t miss this! 12.30 Cash in the Attic 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Balamory 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Get Your Own Back 16.35 That's Genius Hey thanks! 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Harold receives a call from his son David. Who? A quick interrogation of TV Desk means we think this makes him Sky’s uncle. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 Innovation Nation 19.30 Animal Hospital 19.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 20.00 Jungle: Canopyworld 21.00 Body Snatchers The secrets of our closest companions: parasites. Tanya Andrews meets a maggot, and Dr Valerie Curtis explains why we are disgusted by them. With Paul Burrell 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.40 High Hopes Completely shit looking Welsh comedy drama which has appeared during BBC ad breaks since the end of the summer. Starring the Welsh national football squad. Snort. 23.10 Imagine 00.00 FILM: Arthur 2: On the Rocks With no ice * 01.55 Sign Zone: ONE life 02.35 Sign Zone: Holiday 10 Best: Family Favourites CommentAllez-vous c’est soir je suis comme ce comme ca.

06.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Anthony Ant 07.30 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 The Koala Brothers 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Clifford the Big Red Dog 10.35 Stingray 11.00 The Daily Politics 13.00 Lifeline 13.10 Big Screen Britain 13.30 Working Lunch 14.00 Snooker 17.10 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 TOTP 2 Music from The Communards, Generation X, Prefab Sprout, Roxy Music and Gary Jules, plus dancing from Legs & Co. In order: Gay rubbish, excellent, shite, amazing, great although I still prefer the Tears For Fears original of Mad World even if nobody else does, and shite. 18.45 Snooker 19.30 The Money Game: The FA's Final Whistle 20.00 5 Things I Hate about You Number four: your face. 20.30 What Not to Wear . 21.00 The Million Pound Property Experiment 22.00 The Office 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: From Here to Modernity Pun of the week appearing in The Learning Zone? Whoah! 01.00 Ever Wondered? 01.30 Modernist Primitivism 02.00 Secondary Schools - Languages: Le cafe des reves 04.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 7-8 05.00 Make Your Mark: Lifeschool Yes, a penguin taught me French back in Antarctica.

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.35 The Flintstones 16.05 Art Attack 16.30 My Parents Are Aliens 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Bill 21.00 The Royal Variety Performance 2003 With Busted, who I have a soft spot for, Daniel Bedingfield whom I don’t have a soft spot for, and Luciano Pavarotti, who has sufficient soft spots of his own not to worry about mine. And this is always a load of utter wank anyway, and apparently the organisers wouldn’t let Busted appear on Children in Need because they’d booked them for this. Bunch of money-hungry charity-robbing scumbags. 23.30 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 00.30 Redcoats 00.55 CD:UK Hotshots 01.20 The Thrills in Profile Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap. Well and truly. Would I lie to you? Bob Geldof, as anyone who saw his frankly legendary spot on CD:UK the other day, is a fan. But that doesn’t make them good. 01.45 World Sport 02.15 Today with Des and Mel 03.00 Ghost Stories 03.25 Football League Extra 04.05 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

The Royal Variety Performance 2003 ITV1 9pm



06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 13.00 Planed Plant Bach: Barrug 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 French Leave 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Mali O 16.25 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 16.35 Planed Plant: 13.30 Munud o Enwogrwydd 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Xtra Student drama series. Lwlw is disappointed that it wasn't the drink that made up Sgid's mind. It was the Rhypynol. 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Gwleidyddol gan y Blaid Lafur This translated, means “Labour Party Broadcast” or “Turn Off”. 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm 20.25 Dudley Cookery series, with this episode this programme dedicated to Welsh beef. No comment. 21.00 04 Wal 21.30 Y Byd ar Bedwar 22.00 Property Ladder Revisited 23.05 A Party Political Broadcast by the Labour Party 23.10 V Graham Norton 23.50 Brinks-Mat: The Greatest Heist 00.50 Sex Rules Number 58: Don’t use anything that requires mains electricity, a bucket of water and a small hole. 01.20 The Secret Life of Us 02.10 The Secret Life of Us 03.00 FILM: Les Enfants du Siecle

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Dream Holiday Home 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.40 FILM: Stolen Innocence With TV Holly, aged 14 ** 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 Extreme... Natural Disasters 21.00 FILM: The Bodyguard ** One of the worst films I’ve ever seen, and yes I have actually seen this film.Only because it was someway related to something in PSHE at secondary school, where our issue-shy teacher would make up for her inability to say the word “Aids” by making us watch Philadelphia. This was probably something to do with ugly bint women who can’t sing. 23.30 Murder Detectives: Case Files: Death Grip 00.30 NHL Ice Hockey: Detroit Red Wings v Edmonton Oilers 03.30 Boxing: US Fight Night 04.45 Motorsport Mundial 05.10 European Drag Racing 05.35 Fastrax






19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Dusty Springfield's Rock Shrine I like Dusty, she had a great voice. Only heard three songs, mind so don’t think I know or care about her much, but the bigger this section of the page looks, the more it looks like I’m talking sense. See? 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 Liquid News 20.30 EastEnders 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 Absolutely Fabulous 22.00 FILM: Highlander ** 23.50 Fatboy Slim: Musical Hooligan Boring sounding documentary about Mr nicebut-boring himself, and his exploits in Japan during the World Cup, which actually wasn’t over a year ago and out-of-date in the land of BBC3. 00.50 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.45 Chart Choice 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Ask a Silly Question 20.00 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.05 Coronation Street 22.35 Real Crime: Mr Nice Guy 23.35 SWAT: The Movie A “revealing chat” with Colin “I’m a foul-mouthed paddy and I want to fuck your mother” Farrell. The skankridden contrived badboy moron. 00.05 The Joy of Decks 00.30 Jerry Springer

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Good Morning Miami 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends Joey is apparently getting his own spin-off series when Friends finishes soon. Yeah, that’ll be good. Not. 21.00 Wife Swap New series of the reality programme in which wives swap their husbands, children and homes for up to two weeks. This first programme follows Emma and Lizzie. Now, since I never watched either series of Wife Swap when it was on, I can’t really tell you if this is actually a new series or not, so sorry if it’s not. 22.00 Sex and the City 22.40 Distraction 23.10 The Bronx Bunny Show 23.45 V Graham Norton 00.25 The Salon 00.50 Hollyoaks 01.20 Wife Swap 02.20 Sex and the City 02.55 The Bronx Bunny Show 03.25 Distraction

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Marilyn and Me ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 . 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Kirsty's Home Videos Kirsty Gallacher introduces wankers with their pants falling down from home videos. 21.00 Temptation Island 22.00 Celebrity Feuds Behaving Badly 23.00 Sex on the Beach Flyon-the-wall series looking at young British people on holiday abroad. Some lads from Surrey boast of their conquests and a group of Scottish girls tease the men. Bunch of fucks. 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 JAG 03.30 Cops

As S4C except: 06.00 Tales of a Wise 09.00 Bewitched. 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Rat-aTat-Tat. 9.50 Maths Mansion. 10.10 Natural Hazards. 10.25 Making It. 10.35 Extra 3. 11.00 Hoobs. 11.25 2020: Design a Future. 11.50 Self Portrait UK. 11.55 Making It. 12.30 Self Portrait UK 12.35 Cheers 13.05 FILM: Innocents in Paris *** 14.45 Fifteen to One. 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 AIR:Moo(n) 20.00 Location, Location, Location 20.30 How Clean Is Your House? 21.00 No Going Back: Return to the French Alps. 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Sex Rules: Yummy Mummies 23.15 Brinks-Mat: The Greatest Heist 00.25 4 Music: Ear Candy 00.55 4 Music: Sound Travels 01.20 4 Music: Rather Good Videos 01.45 4 Music: Sonic Revolution: MC5 Celebration 02.10 4 Music: 4 Play. 02.25 Brazilian Championship Football.

FILM: Marilyn and Me Sky1 2.15pm

Wednesday 26 November


November 24 2003

Page 25

Thursday 27 November BBC1



06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 15.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 15.45 CBBC: Arthur 16.10 Mona the Vampire 16.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 16.35 Fairly Odd Parents 17.00 SMart 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Max discovers Steph is sick, when he walks in on her ‘examining herself’, complete with mirror. Lisa and Summer's matchmaking plan seriously backfires, as they realise that Bob really isn’t that interested. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today; Weather 19.00 A Question of Sport 19.35 EastEnders Phil battles with pressure from Lisa and Kate, but Lisa wins, solely due to the weight of her enormous norks. 20.30 Judge John Deed 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.40 Question Time 23.40 Dragon's Eye 00.10 This Week 00.55 FILM: Deadlocked An irate father takes the law into his own hands when he pulls a gun in the courtroom which is deciding the Death Row sentence of his son. Sounds gash, and a little too ‘political’ for my liking. I just like things with bondage in them. ** 02.45 Sign Zone: Design Rules 03.15 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 04.00 Sign Zone: Watchdog 04.30 Joins BBC News 24

06.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 Fix and Foxi 07.30 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Blue Peter 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Sergeant Stripes 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Watch 10.50 The Way Things Work 11.05 Bobinogs 11.20 Focus - Citizenship 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 13.00 Snooker 17.10 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 19.30 Snooker 20.00 Escape to the Country 21.00 Horizon Investigative documentary revealing what really went wrong on the space shuttle Columbia and how the seven astronauts might have been brought back safely. No. 1) by crane... 21.50 The World's Most Powerful Celebrities Oprah Winfrey and Madonna. Hmm, I think there are more powerful celebrities than that trailertrash pair. Ron Jeremy, for instance. 22.30 Newsnight 23.20 Snooker 00.30 BBC Learning Zone: Rough Science 01.00 The Next Big Thing 01.30 Lab Detectives 01.50 What Have the 80s Ever Done for Us? 02.00 The Search for Reality 02.30 Rapid Climate Change 03.00 CyberWar 03.30 Youth Creativity: Blast TV 6 04.00 Languages: Japanese Language and People 9-10 05.00 Make Your Mark: Your Job, Your Choice

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Engie Benjy 15.30 SpongeBob SquarePants 16.00 Beat the CyBorgs 16.30 That's So Raven 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House Special 18.00 HTV News and Weather 18.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 19.00 Emmerdale Katie tries to make wedding plans but struggles to put Robert out of her mind. Skull-fucking does tend to embed memories of that special someone into your head, you know. Marlon succumbs to Charity's emotional blackmail, and finally descends to suck her hairy ...toe. 20.00 The Bill 21.00 Holiday Showdown 22.00 ITV News at Ten 22.30 Follow the Fans 23.00 Wales This Week 23.30 Harry Hill's TV Burp 00.00 The Joy of Decks 00.30 Love Match Me and James Lance show the crowds how it’s done (with handcuffs, uniforms, cunnilingus, mirrors and Alan Rickman. Yum). Although why there’d be crowds there, I don’t know. 00.55 Turn On Terry 01.20 Dare to Believe that TV Desk are the most important force in modern-day journalism. 01.45 CD:UK 02.35 The Machine 03.00 Cybernet 03.25 Motorsport UK 03.50 Ghost Stories 04.15 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News



19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Match of the Day Live: Manchester City v Groclin 21.30 Coke E and Weed 22.00 EastEnders The robbery with Den ends with a twist. Den is actually a woman? Pah, that was obvious. 22.55 Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps 23.25 Love for Sale And not just that either: now I’ve recovered from my bout of herpes my nymphomania has been re-fuelled...come and get me, Cardiff! I’ll settle for anything that breathes, moves, has a pulse and a shadow (no bloodsuckers please). 23.55 Liquid News 00.25 Coke E and Weed 00.55 Two Pints of Lager 01.25 Love for Sale 01.55 Jordan: The Truth about Me 02.55 Stupid Punts 03.25 Liquid News

09.25 Coronation Street 09.55 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.40 Coronation Street 13.10 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.50 Dancing in the Street 18.00 Coronation Street 18.30 Emmerdale Simon helps Nicola drum up some new trade, by buying her a new line in lubricants that smell like beer. 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Chart Choice 20.00 Airline 20.30 Airline 21.00 Family 22.00 FILM: Jaws ***** 00.20 The Frank Skinner Show 01.10 Jerry Springer 02.00 Late Show with David Letterman 02.50 Teleshopping 03.50 Trisha 04.45 Trisha Extra

Naked Angels Sky 1 11pm

Love Match ITV1 12.30am



06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Binca 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Lisabeth 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Joshua Jones 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 16.15 Planed Plant: Hotel Eddie 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Wawffactor! 19.00 Wedi 7 19.25 Darllediad Gwleidyddol gan y Blaid Geidwadol 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Pobol y Cwm The war continues between the Deri Arms and the rugby club as to who can drink the most beer and have the most homoerotic ‘scrumming’ technique. 20.25 Welsh in a Week 21.00 Pawb a'i Farn 22.00 Slaymaker 22.30 Fideo Mondo 23.05 Party Political Broadcast by the Conservative Party 23.10 V Graham Norton 23.50 Daisy Daisy 00.20 Scrubs 00.45 FILM: Blue Juice *** 02.35 Freesports on 4: Armageddon Cup 03.00 FILM: Happiness **** I have scary, but fortunately vague recollections about my drinking binge last night, when TV Andy accompanied me to Clwb. The poor lamb must have been scared...

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.25 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Greatest Heroes in History 15.05 UEFA Cup Football: Groclin Dyskobolia v Manchester City 17.30 five news 18.00 Home and Away Angie and Sally throw down the gauntlet. Will Hayley and Noah ever be friends again? Not after that amount of anal bloodshed. 18.30 Family Affairs Pete thinks he is being set up after the police question him about the sorry state of the squirrel he molested in Bute Park. 19.00 five news 19.15 19 Keys 19.45 UEFA Cup Football: Liverpool v Steaua Bucharest 22.05 FILM: Hard to Kill** 00.00 Real Sex 00.50 Football Night 01.30 UEFA Cup Football 03.00 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v Vitesse 04.30 Major League Soccer I told him tales of my electric toothbrush. We concluded that it reached the parts others couldn’t. Talk about cleaning from the inside.




10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends Chandler goes looking for Monica - will he find her in time? Who the fuck cares? Does anyone still watch Friends? I’m curious, because I’m not yet over my sexual frustration-induced rage. 17.30 Friends Chandler begins to worry about his performance in the bedroom. Ha! He needs lessons from me, obviously. Monica catches Rachel and Ross kissing, then promptly shuts herself in the bathroom for a shower related, incestuous-thinking flick. 18.00 Good Morning Miami 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Joe Millionaire UK 21.50 Celebrity Wife Swap 22.55 Queer as Folk 2 23.55 V Graham Norton 00.35 The Salon 01.05 Hollyoaks 01.35 The Michael Essany Show 02.00 Dawson's Creek 02.45 Joe Millionaire UK

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Pipe Dream ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Brainiac: Science Abuse 21.00 Fear Factor UK 22.00 Scare Tactics A babysitter thinks granny has returned from the grave, and is gutted because she thought it had been genuine necrophilia. And you would be annoyed, wouldn’t you? 22.30 Uncut! Kirsty's Home Videos 23.00 Naked Angels in Beach Paradise 00.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.00 The X Files 01.50 Angel 02.40 JAG 03.30 Shipmates 03.55 Mile High 04.45 Dirty Money 05.10 Guilty!

As S4C, except: 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Physical Processes 3. 9.50 Maths Mansion 4. 10.10 Arrows of Desire. 10.35 Extra 3: Auf Deutsch. 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 The Virtual Body. 11.45 Living and Growing 3. 12.30 Water Stories 12.35 Cheers 13.05 FILM: Twice Round the Daffodils** 14.45 Fifteen to One William 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.55 AIR: The Girl and the Horse Thursday bestiality. 20.00 A New Life Down Under Documentary about a man permanently welded to his girlfriend’s hairy cup. 21.00 Ancient Egyptians: Murder in the Temple 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Daisy Daisy 23.15 Forbidden Fruit 00.20 Top Ten TV - Sex Bombs No. 1: me. 01.50 Freesports on 4: Nokia Women's Pro Surfing 02.20 KOTV 02.45 Powerboat Championship 03.15 Trans World Sport 04.10 Trevor Nelson's Soul Nation 05.10 Countdown

Thursday 27 November


Page 26

November 24 2003

Friday 28 November BBC1



06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Kilroy 10.00 Homes under the Hammer 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Trading Up 12.00 Cash in the Attic 12.30 Eggheads 13.00 BBC News; Weather 13.30 Regional News and Weather 13.40 Neighbours 14.05 Doctors 14.35 Murder, She Wrote 15.20 BBC News 15.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 15.45 CBBC 17.00 Blue Peter 17.25 Newsround 17.35 Neighbours Nina surprises Jack with a night at a swanky hotel with a fully equipped bondage dungeon. Harold is embarrassed by his son's display of wealth. WHAT?!!! Since when has Harold had a son? Worst plot twist since... well any of the recent ones to be honest. 18.00 BBC News 18.30 Wales Today 19.00 Top of the Pops 20.00 EastEnders Kate is left reeling by Phil's arrest, while he fears that Lisa will finally get what she wants. Yes kids it’s the Baby Jesus butt plug, as recommended by Alex Macpherson. 20.30 All about Me 21.00 Absolutely Fabulous 21.30 Have I Got News for You Guest hosted by Kirsty Young. 22.00 BBC News 22.30 Regional News and Weather 22.40 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 23.30 Meet My Folks The candidates for Paul are Michelle, the very social drinker, Anna, who hangs her clothes on the floor, and Jo, who sometimes has trouble with bouncers. She should try wearing a bra then shouldn’t she. Saggy breasts are a no no. 00.25 FILM: We, the Jury ** 01.55 Joins BBC News

06.00 CBeebies: Yoho Ahoy 06.10 Fireman Sam 06.20 Fimbles 06.40 Tweenies 07.00 CBBC: ChuckleVision 07.20 The Lampies 07.30 Round the Twist 08.00 Newsround 08.05 Noah's Island 08.30 CBeebies: The Story Makers 08.50 Dr Otter 09.00 Tweenies 09.20 Little Robots 09.30 Fimbles 09.50 Teletubbies 10.20 Magic Key 10.35 Watch 10.50 Science Clips 11.00 Speak for Yourself 11.20 BBC Primary History 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 13.00 Snooker 17.10 Weakest Link 18.00 The Simpsons Homer embarks on a trip to the Super Bowl, but discovers that his tickets are fake. “Hey Homer, ain’t it strange we came all the way to the superbowl and didn’t see any football...” 18.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 18.45 Scrum V Live Celtic Warriors v Edinburgh. 21.00 Gardeners' World 21.30 Timewatch: Gallipoli: 22.20 Witness: The Death of James Dean The whole car crash played out in slow motion making sure that the gory decapitation is shown in grisly detail. Part of BBC2’s “let’s make the old folks angry” series 22.25 Queen's Speech Response by Plaid Cymru the Party of Wales 22.30 Newsnight 23.00 Newsnight Review 23.35 Snooker 00.25 Snooker Extra 03.00 BBC Learning Zone I can still taste the cheap beer from last night in my mouth and the walls are starting to bleed. Yes it’s another fun-filled, hungover and downright grumpy week of TV Andy coming your way...

06.00 GMTV 09.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 13.00 Today with Des and Mel 14.00 Love 2 Shop 14.30 The Test 15.00 HTV News and Weather 15.15 Meg and Mog 15.20 Boohbah 15.30 What about Mimi? 16.00 Fingertips 16.20 You Can Do Magic 16.30 All Grown Up! 17.00 Boot Sale Treasure Hunt 17.30 I Want That House 18.00 HTV News 18.25 Party Political Broadcast by Plaid Cymru 18.30 ITV Evening News 19.00 House of Horrors Looking at Peter Stringfellow’s underground bunker containing three saunas, four bars and the worlds largest repository of Viagra. 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Ferret Game show where a rabid ferret is put down the trousers of a famous celebrity. This week Linford Christie gets a surprise package in his lunchbox. 20.30 A Touch of Frost A ruthless man holds a supermarket chain to ransom with the life of a young boy after the price of beans goes up by 3p. He should have gone to Lidl. 22.30 ITV Weekend News 23.00 House of Horrors Robbie Williams’ dung pit and collection of festering scabs are shown in all their glory. 23.30 Classy Acts DVDA and fisting. 00.35 FILM: Sweet Nothing ** 02.15 ITV at the Festivals 03.10 Mixmasters 03.40 Entertainment Now! 04.05 World Football 04.30 Ghost Stories 04.55 ITV Nightscreen 05.30 ITV Early Morning News

House Of Horrors ITV1 7pm



06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 RI:SE 09.00 Ysgolion 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Sali Mali 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Twm 12.50 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 13.15 Fifteen to One 13.45 Fifteen to One 14.15 A Place in the Sun 15.15 Countdown 16.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 16.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 17.00 Richard and Judy 17.55 Party Political Broadcast by Plaid Cymru 18.00 The Salon 18.30 Friends 19.00 Popcorn 19.25 Darllediad Gwleidyddol Plaid Cymru 19.30 Newyddion 20.00 Darllediad Gwleidyddol gan y Democratiaid Rhyddfrydol 20.05 Dudley 20.35 Pobol y Cwm 21.00 A New Life Down Under Jade Goody gets crabs again. 22.05 How Clean Is Your House? Very thanks, I hoovered it and everything. Still, those dried cum stains in the carpet from last years tenants still haven’t shifted. 22.35 The Osbournes 23.05 Party Political Broadcast by the Liberal Democrats 23.10 V Graham Norton 23.50 Dirty Sanchez 00.20 The Pilot Show Funny as FUCK! 00.50 South Park 01.20 Distraction 01.50 FILM: The Ballad of Little Jo *** 03.50 Powerboating Championship 04.15 Unreported World 04.40 The Art Show

06.00 Sunrise 06.30 A House That's Just like Yours 06.55 Hi-5 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 08.55 MechaNick 09.05 Franny's Feet 09.20 Softies 09.30 Alison Cork's Countdown to Christmas 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 13.00 Family Affairs 13.30 BrainTeaser 14.35 The Streets of San Francisco 15.35 FILM: Hope ** 17.30 five news National and international news with Charlie Stayt. 18.00 Home and Away Has Alex joined the Hayley /Noah/Josh triangle? I’d imagine so, the dirty little pixie gets everywhere. 18.30 Family Affairs 19.00 five news 19.30 19 Keys 20.00 House Doctor 20.30 Dream Holiday Home 21.00 FILM: Presumed Innocent **** 23.30 FILM: Walnut Creek A new foreman at the Walnut Creek ranch wreaks sexual havoc with his employers and their daughter. High class entertainment from five as always... 01.30 FILM: Little Shop of Horrors Directed by Frank Oz this is a fantastic musical comedy with a host of great cameo appearances. Set the video kids. **** 03.00 FILM: And Baby Makes Three 04.30 High School Reunion 05.10 Sons and Daughters





CH 4

19.00 The 7 O'Clock News on BBC Three 19.15 Notorious BIG's Rock Shrine “Biggie, Biggie, Biggie can’t you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotise me.” Ladies and gentlemen, you really should enjoy the Original Hamster’s version of this gangsta rap classic. It really is the muthafuking bomb. 19.30 SAS: Are You Tough Enough? 20.00 Top of the Pops on Three Just in case you couldn’t get enough of the revamped version - here’s some more shite bands pimping their asses for the yankee dollar. 21.00 Celebdaq 22.00 EastEnders 22.30 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 23.00 What Not to Wear 23.30 Jerry Hall's Gurus 00.25 Celebdaq 00.55 Top of the Pops 01.55 Top of the Pops on

09.25 Emmerdale 10.30 Trisha Extra 11.00 Sally Jessy Raphael 11.50 Judge Judy 12.10 Coronation Street 12.40 Emmerdale 13.40 Trisha 14.45 Trisha Extra 15.15 The John Walsh Show 16.05 Sally Jessy Raphael 16.55 Judge Judy 17.20 Movies Now 17.30 Coronation Street Karen is furious when she discovers how far Steve is prepared to go to save Jim. Yes, pimping one’s ass out to randy sailors is a terrible, terrible thing. 18.00 Emmerdale 19.00 Jerry Springer 19.50 Dancing in the Street 20.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 20.30 Pop Idol Extra 22.00 The Joy of Decks 22.30 Coronation Street 23.00 Harry Hill's TV Burp 23.30 The Making of Master and Commander 00.00 Pop Idol Extra 01.25 Jerry Springer

10.00 The Salon Live 17.00 Friends 17.30 Friends 18.00 Good Morning Miami Frank struggles to tell Lucia about an annoying habit of hers. No one likes fanny farts Lucia. 18.30 The Salon Live 19.00 Dawson's Creek 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Return to Jamie's Kitchen I have to admit grudgingly to really respecting the fat-tongued one for keeping his Fifteen restaurant going despite the best attempts of the dole scum he employs trying to fuck him over and milk his name for everything it’s worth. 22.00 This Model Life 23.05 Little Friends 23.35 V Graham Norton 00.10 The Salon 00.40 Hollyoaks 01.10 The Secret Life of Us 02.10 The Secret Life of Us 02.55 This Model Life Much against my better judgement I’ve stuck Alex’s copy of Outkast’s Speakerboxxx on the stereo and hey - it’s damn good.

06.00 Dr Phil 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Yu-Gi-Oh! 08.00 Gamezville 09.00 Stargate SG-1 10.00 The X Files 11.00 Angel 12.00 Dharma and Greg 12.25 Jenny Jones 13.20 Dr Phil 14.15 FILM: Too Young to Be a Father ** 16.00 Gamezville 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Malcolm in the Middle 20.30 Scrubs 21.00 Dead Like Me 22.00 Angel Angel seeks a magic ring which will take him to hell to look for the firm's ‘senior partners'. It’s all about the brown love this week. 23.00 Unofficial World Records of Sex Fastest premature ejaculation records goes to Riath “Hair Trigger” Al-Samarrai. 23.30 Double Entry 00.00 Mile High 01.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation 01.50 The X Files 02.40 Angel 03.30 JAG 04.20 Shipmates

As S4C except: 09.00 Bewitched 09.30 4Learning 9.30 Brain Box. 10.20 Book Box: Malorie Blackman and Jamila Gavin. 10.35 What's This Channel 4? 11.00 The Hoobs. 11.25 Extra 3: En Espanol. 11.50 Making It. 11.55 Quit. 12.30 My Eden 12.35 My Eden 12.40 FILM: The Courtneys of Curzon Street ** 14.45 Fifteen to One 16.00 A Place in the Sun 18.30 Hollyoaks 19.00 Channel 4 News 19.30 The Art Show A fictionalised conversation between writer Jacques Peretti and the controversial Hollywood actor Vincent Gallo. Mmmm, pretentious. 20.00 Unreported World: Trouble in Paradise 20.30 Friends 21.00 Will and Grace 21.30 The Osbournes 22.00 V Graham Norton 22.40 Distraction 23.15 The Pilot Show 23.45 Dirty Sanchez 00.15 Jackass 00.45 South Park 01.15 The PJs 01.40 The PJs 02.05 King of the Hill 02.30 King of the Hill 03.00 Bob and Margaret 03.25 Trevor Nelson's Soul Nation

Little Shop Of Horrors five 1.30am

Friday 28 November


November 24 2003

Page 27


Saturday 29 November BBC1



06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Brum 06.30 CBBC: The Enchanted Lands - the Adventures of the Wishing Chair 06.40 Moomin 07.05 UBOS 07.30 Mona the Vampire 07.40 Tom and Jerry Kids 08.05 Looney Tunes 08.35 What's New ScoobyDoo? 09.00 Dick and Dom in da Bungalow 11.00 Top of the Pops Saturday 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Football Focus 13.00 Grandstand 13.05 Boxing 14.15 Snooker 16.30 Wales on Saturday 17.15 BBC News 17.35 Open All Hours 18.05 Here Comes the Sun 18.55 Weakest Link Anne Robinson presents a special edition of the quick-fire general knowledge quiz in which nine drag queens compete for prize money of up to ten thousand pounds. Is this how low we’ve sunk? TRAGIC. 19.45 National Lottery Wright around the World 20.20 Casualty 21.10 BBC News; Weather 21.30 Parkinson Michael Parkinson's guests include pop star Victoria Beckham who talks about life in Madrid, marriage to David and her career. Music is provided by Fleetwood Mac. Surprisingly I know far more Fleetwood Mac tunes than I thought I did. My good friend Al rates them highly - so should you. 22.30 FILM: Enemy at the Gates Great if you like war films, shite if you don’t. Sorry I can’t be much more help on this, but I’ve only seen a little of it and I was completely wasted at the time.*** 00.35 FILM: Night of the Twisters ** 02.00 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 02.50 A Question of Sport 03.30 Top of the Pops

06.00 Weekend 24 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Sushi? 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Trade Secrets 12.55 My Greatest Hits Bad, Thriller and Billie Jean. Sorry, I’m getting myself confused with a notorious shrub rocketeer. My greatest hit is actually Bat Out Of Hell. 13.10 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 13.40 Watching the Detectives: The Rockford Files 14.25 Watching the Detectives: Nero Wolfe Mysteries 15.55 Watching the Detectives: Adventures of Sherlock Holmes 16.50 What the Romans Did for Us 17.10 The Great War: Only War Nothing But War 17.50 What the Papers Say 18.00 FILM: The Naked Spur Biopic of Gazza’s nights on the town. Features large falsies. **** 19.30 The Big Read: Top 21 21.00 Snooker 22.30 Have I Got a Little Bit More News for You What an excellent idea, add the cut pieces from last nights show onto the repeat and you’ve got all the fans suckered in twice to watch the programme. Good work BBC programming fellas. 23.10 Room 101 Gordon Ramsay's dislikes are traffic wardens and nappies. Well I dislike him so his choices are automatically discounted. Arsehole. 23.40 FILM: The Daytrippers Coincidentally a large chunk of GR staff are off to London on Saturday for free lash, cheap women and the NUS media awards at Canary Wharf. Look at us media whores.*** 01.00 Snooker Extra

06.00 GMTV 09.25 SMTV Gold 12.00 CD:UK 13.00 Record of the Year 2003: The Final Countdown 13.30 ITV News; Weather 13.35 HTV News and Weather 13.40 On the Ball 14.30 Seriously Weird 15.00 FILM: Beethoven *** 16.35 The Goal Rush 17.10 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up. 17.25 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 17.40 Record of the Year 2003: The Final Countdown What’s the bet it’ll be the 10 most banal, vapid piles of horse dropping selected by industry fat cats so that they can boost album sales and get more gak for their crusty nostrils. Expect Busted, Kylie, Rachel Stevens, Gareth Gates and Fugazi. Spot the odd one out kiddies. 18.10 New You've Been Framed! Strangest fact of the week. Jacko loves You’ve Been Framed and finds Lisa Riley hilarious. Truly the sign of a deranged mind. 18.40 Pop Idol 19.45 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? I lost a pound on this machine earlier due to my inability to know what language Uruguayans spoke. 20.45 ITV Weekend News 21.00 Pop Idol Results 21.30 70s Mania 22.30 The Premiership 00.05 The Frank Skinner Show 00.50 Harry Hill's TV Burp 01.15 The District 02.05 Together Forever 03.00 CD:UK Hotshots 03.25 Turn On Terry Wogan gets sucked and fucked by Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick like the big stud he is. 03.50 Entertainment Now! 04.15 Cybernet 04.45 ITV Nightscreen

John Wayne Gacy

70’s Mania ITV1 9.30pm



06.10 The Hoobs 06.35 The Hoobs 07.00 Skiing on 4: 08.00 Trans World Sport 09.00 The Morning Line 09.55 Scrapheap Challenge 10.55 Postmodern Pastimes 11.05 Andromeda 11.55 Headliners: Beyonce 12.30 Smash Hits Chart 13.00 Friends 13.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Newbury and Newcastle 16.00 The First World War 17.00 Newyddion 17.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Osprey v Leinster. 19.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 19.30 Twrio 20.30 Noson Lawen An hour of music and laughter. Our an hour of mind-numbing tedium comparable to a year in purgatory. Make your own mind up... 21.30 Naw Tan Naw 22.00 Brits in Hollywood: Sean Connery Petula Clark, up the arse, 1964. Popbitch readers will know the score on this one. 23.00 FILM: Young Guns II “I’m going DOOOOOOWWWNNN! In a blaze of GLORRRRY!” TV Andy gets Bon Jovi on your ass. 00.55 FILM: The Astronaut's Wife Awful Sci-fi guff with Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron. Only worth watching if she gets her norks out. That’s a terribly chauvinistic thing to say - but it’s the only plausible reason to want to watch this shite. Sorry ladies, I love you all really. ** 02.55 Brazilian Football Championship 04.45 KOTV Have converted the office to Calexico. My work here is done. Peace out.

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 FAQ 06.35 Michaela's Wild Challenge 07.00 Sunrise 07.55 Shake! 08.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 08.25 Beast Wars 08.55 Beyblade 09.25 Beyblade 09.55 Dan Dare 10.25 Xcalibur 11.00 Max Steel 11.30 The Adventures of Sinbad 12.25 Tintin 12.50 Robot Wars 13.55 Edgemont 14.20 USA High 14.50 Flaunt Chart Show 15.15 Home and Away Omnibus 17.25 FILM: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure Incredibly directed by Tim Burton. Unfortunately the whole Pee Wee Herman franchise was ruined when the little man was caught entertaining Madame Palm and her five lovely daughters in a cinema... *** 19.05 five news and sport 19.20 Charmed 20.10 Hollywood's Greatest Special Effects 21.10 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 22.05 Law and Order: Special Victims Unit Stabler and Benson make an arrest in connection with a TV reporter who was sexually assaulted. Poor old Moira, I bet she’s a goer. 23.00 Law and Order 00.00 FILM: Freshman Fall More made for TV crap about a fresher getting raped at her college. I wonder if the Leeds United team were in the area... ** 01.35 Boxing Classic 02.25 Boxing: Fight of the Week 03.30 Now Is the Time: Night of Combat 04.20 That 70s Show 04.45 That 70s Show






19.00 Hunting Chris Ryan 20.00 FightBox This any good? I suspect not, but you never know. I really enjoyed Time Commanders... 21.00 FILM: Witness With Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis. An Amish boy who witnesses a brutal, drugrelated murder goes into hiding with the detective assigned to investigate the case. When they seek refuge in the pacifist Amish community, the detective finds himself attracted to the boy's mother and drawn to her people - but all the while the murderer is closing in for the kill. Sounds like absolute monkey droppings, but it won an Oscar so you never know... **** 22.50 Sex, Lies and Michael Aspel 23.50 Little Britain “Yeah, I mean no, I mean yeah, I mean no.” Classic. 00.20 Jordan: The Truth about Me 01.20 Monkey Dust 01.50 Celebdaq 02.20 Trevor Nelson's Lowdown 02.50 FightBox Huzzah! Another week’s work comes to an end and I’m still sane - just...

09.25 Emmerdale Omnibus 11.50 Coronation Street Omnibus 14.10 Holiday Airport: Lanzarote 15.10 Airline 15.40 Airline 16.10 Airline 16.40 Airline 17.10 Pop Idol Extra 18.40 Breaking the Magician's Code: More of Magic's Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed It’s all done with mirrors you know. 19.30 Movies Now 19.45 Pop Idol Extra 21.00 Planet's Funniest Animals 21.30 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 22.00 Single 23.00 Million Dollar Babes Apparently there’s a new video of Paris Hilton going round where she’s enjoying the company of a buxom lady friend. Perhaps some photographer told her to “make love to the camera.” and she took it far too literally... 23.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 00.30 Pop Idol 01.35 Pop Idol Extra 02.40 Pop Idol Results 03.05 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 03.30 Teleshopping 04.30 Blind Date: Kiss and Tell

14.00 The Salon: Reappointment 15.00 Hollyoaks Omnibus 17.30 Friends 18.00 Friends 18.30 G Girls 19.00 Dawson's Creek Dawson offers Pacey the chance to be a producer on his film Crack Whores With Guns VII. 20.00 Friends 20.30 Friends 21.00 Father Ted 21.30 Father Ted 22.00 Criss Angel: Mindfreak Some nutty magician that’s bound to be a total arsehole. 23.00 E Graham Norton 00.05 Dawson's Creek 00.55 Oz 01.55 Oz 02.55 Star Trek As the midnight hour approaches we are stunned to discover that Elaine, assistant to our editor, has represented the France at the Eurovision Song Contest and has worked with Celine Dion. OH MY DAYS! This is possibly the most bizarre and cool news I’ve heard since Simon Weston went on the rampage at us. “She’s a dark horse,” Tristan comments. “She’s a fucking megastar.” Elaine Morgan, singer/songwriter: we take out hats off to you.

06.00 Star Trek: Voyager 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 12.00 World Wrestling Entertainment: The Bottom Line 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Star Trek: Voyager 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Star Trek: The Next Generation As the Enterprise is rushing a dying boy to a nearby starbase, Data inexplicably takes over the controls and sends the ship in the opposite direction as his US foreign policy chip comes into action. 18.00 Stargate SG-1 19.00 The Simpsons 19.30 The Simpsons 20.00 Fear Factor UK 21.00 Kirsty's Home Videos 22.00 Celebrity Feuds Behaving Badly 23.00 When Sex Goes Wrong 23.30 Double Entry 00.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Smackdown 01.50 Really Caught in the Act 5 02.40 Double Entry 03.05 Shipmates 03.30 Star Trek: The Next Generation 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager It’s 11pm and on goes the Godspeed! Hehehe.

As S4C except: 06.00 The Clangers 09.55 T4: Smallville 10.50 T4: Friends 11.20 T4: The Salon: Reappointment 13.00 T4: Friends 16.00 A Place in the Sun 16.25 FILM: A Town Like Alice *** 18.30 Channel 4 19.00 Commando The story of those who dare not to wear underwear over the ages. 20.00 Seven Ages of Britain: The Third Age 43AD-410AD 21.00 100 Greatest Sexy Moments Guaranteed to make the ladies moist and the gentlemen stand to attention this clip show promises to contain the hottest and sexiest moments from TV and Film. Hopefully there’ll be plenty of footage of Russian Lesbian Lovelies VI. It certainly brought a smile to my face. 01.05 Sex and the City 01.40 4 Music: Ear Candy Some muppet’s given Colin Murray a TV show. YOU MANIACS! YOU’LL BE THE DEATH OF US ALL! 02.10 4 Music: The Chemical Brothers - 10 Years of Block Rockin' Beats 03.10 4Dance 03.35 Dancing under the Dustcover 03.50 Angoisse 03.55 Action 04.20 Action 04.45 Norm 05.10 Countdown

Really Caught In The Act 5 Sky One 1.50am

Saturday 29 November


Page 28

November 24 2003

Sunday 30 November BBC1



06.00 Breakfast 09.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 Can't Wait Till Christmas Look, stop it! It’s not even December. Just because all the moneymunching supermarkets have upped the tempo on their Christmas advertising, doesn’t mean the BBC has to. 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 13.00 Keeping Up Appearances 13.30 FILM: Flight of the Navigator Noteworthy point number one: This film is actually amazing, and you should watch it if by some impossible-to-comprehend reason you’ve evaded it all your life. Noteworthy point number two: I’ve actually seen this film, although I admit I was about six, and I can only remember is the craft taking off, and then at one point the kid whose name we can’t remember taking a leak in a desert. *** 14.55 EastEnders 17.15 BBC News; Regional News 17.40 Songs of Praise 18.15 Last of the Summer Wine 18.45 Antiques Roadshow 19.30 Ground Force 20.00 Monarch of the Glen 21.00 Charles II - The Power and the Passion 22.00 BBC News; Weather 22.15 Panorama: Spend It Like Beckham Programme about the debts collected by stupid Brits who don’t know how to stop buying shite, and actually has nothing whatsoever to do with The Beckhams or their filthy riches. 22.55 On Show 23.25 FILM: When a Man Loves a Woman Wow, two films in one day that I’ve actually seen. This, significantly UNlike Flight Of The Navigator is boring. **

06.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 06.20 Brum 06.30 CBBC: Arthur 06.55 Taz-Mania 07.15 Looney Tunes 07.30 Smile 10.30 Sunday Home and Garden 11.25 Match of the Day: Euro 2004 Finals Draw Don’t watch this if you’ve got any sense. England WILL get someone nasty in the first round they always do, and plus they’re not even seeded so erm... they’re fucked. I’m officially supporting Latvia anyway now. 12.20 House Detectives at Large 13.20 Sunday Grandstand 13.25 Euro 2004 Draw News 13.30 Rugby Union 14.00 Snooker 17.15 Scrum V 18.10 Wild in Your Garden Revisited A look back at the series with Bill Oddie in which you’re supposed to join in at home with by lathering your council house garden with rotting fish in the hope it’ll attract badgers to your back doorstep and then shoot them and make coats from them. 18.40 Natural World: Monkey Prince 19.30 The Good Life 20.00 Snooker 22.30 Coupling 23.00 Gringo Crimebusters Moderately interesting sounding documentary about Rudy Giuliani bungling down to Mexico to sort out their insanely escalating crime problem, which he manages to do, lucky sod. 23.45 FILM: Waiting to Exhale Hey what is this, shit Whitney fucking Houston flicks week in the world of films? The Bodyguard AND this in one week. Uck. ** 02.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize: Maths 3 04.00 Languages: Working with the French/Working with the Germans

06.00 GMTV 10.30 Fingertips 10.45 The Little Bang 10.55 Art Attack Mini Makes 11.00 John Meets Paul: A Mediterranean Journey Starring my good self and Paul Daniels recorded during my cruise during the summer with the magic man to Crete. I’ve not seen the finished product, but I can assure you that at least one amazing person is featured.11.30 My Favourite Hymns 12.30 Waterfront 13.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 13.55 HTV News and Weather 14.00 Soccer Sunday 14.30 Girls in Love 15.00 Girls in Love 15.30 FILM: The Princess Bride **** 17.15 HTV News and Weather Regional news round-up. 17.30 Tidy Documentary, believe it or not, about how people in Wales tidy up. Featuring talking washing machines, and washboards apparently. 18.00 Costa Living 18.30 ITV News; Weather 18.50 New You've Been Framed! 19.20 Creature Comforts 19.30 Coronation Street 20.00 The Royal 21.00 Foyle's War 23.00 ITV Weekend News 23.05 The Adventure of English A rare feat in television, in that this is useful for my course and isn’t Kilroy. Although I deliberately chose not to do the module on the origins of the English Language, so whoops. 00.15 Whose Right Is It Anyway? 00.45 Paradise Found 01.10 Trisha 02.10 Surviving the Wild 03.05 Present Time 03.30 World Sport 03.55 Get Stuffed! 04.00 ITV Nightscreen

FILM: Gremlins 2:The New Batch five 5.05pm



06.05 The Hoobs 06.30 The Hoobs 06.55 Insektors 07.10 The Clangers 07.20 Totally Spies! 07.45 SpiderMan 08.10 Skiing on 4: World Cup 08.40 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 09.30 Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.00 Welsh in a Week 12.30 Yr Wythnos 13.00 Y Clwb 14.00 G Girls 14.30 Union Jack Shocking excuse for entertainment designed purely to ploy Jack Osbourne with more pills to pill himself up to pillsville and hopefully die. 15.00 Star Trek 15.55 Maniffesto 16.25 Xtra Omnibws 17.25 Newyddion 17.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 19.30 Y Sioe Gelf A series about the arts, which isn’t even remotely interesting apart from that it’s presented by someone called Catrin Beard. 20.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 20.30 Cefn Gwlad 21.00 Treflan 22.05 Newyddion 22.20 FILM: The Wedding Planner With Jennifer Lopez and Matthew McConaughey, who I’ve been reliably informed isn’t Matthew Broderick, so my very shortlived excitement in this film has been completely eradicated. ** 00.15 Bremner, Bird and Fortune: Trust Me, I'm the Prime Minister 01.15 Seven Ages of Britain 02.15 The Art Show 02.45 FILM: Maurice. *** I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my co-writers for not only giving me three days to do, and also Sunday. Thanks! xxx

06.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 06.10 Beachcomber Bay 06.35 Dappledown Farm 07.00 A House That's Just like Yours 07.25 Milkshake! 07.30 Make Way for Noddy 07.45 Make Way for Noddy 08.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 08.30 Rolie Polie Olie 09.00 Babar 09.25 George Shrinks 09.55 Snobs 10.25 A Different Life 11.00 Morris 2274 11.30 Braceface 12.00 Stepping Up 12.35 Flaunt Chart Show 13.05 five news update 13.10 FILM: Danielle Steel's Fine Things *** 15.55 Dream Holiday Home 16.25 Britain's Worst Celebrity Driver 16.55 five news and sport 17.05 FILM: Gremlins 2: The New Batch Woo-hoo I just noticed this was on the same time as Andy putting on Young Team by none other than Mogwai. *** 19.00 Robot Wars 20.00 Monkey Magic 20.30 Movie Mistakes Uncovered Uncut 21.00 FILM: Solo ** 22.50 World's Wildest Police Videos 23.45 Murder Detectives: Million Dollar Murders 00.20 Alias 01.05 Golf - The Challenge Magazine 01.30 NFL Live: Jacksonville Jaguars v Tampa Bay Buccaneers Arrr, The Tampa Bay Buccaneers, swabbing the decks. Pieces of Eight, etc etc etc. Well their fucking fault for giving themselves a stupid name, so they deserve my low-quality humour. 04.45 Major League Soccer - The MLS Cup Final






19.00 Wild Weather: Cold With professional idiot Donal MacIntyre. 20.00 Jerry Hall's Gurus 21.00 What Not to Wear 21.30 Dreamspaces 22.00 Absolutely Fabulous 22.30 Jordan: The Model Mum That would be “model” as in mother who models her lactating mammaries, as opposed to “role model”. 23.30 Casino Documentary about Las Vegas, a city I have a mysterious fascination with, despite having read Fear And Loathing. It’s like San Francisco, only without Dirty Harry and more filth. 00.30 Love for Sale 01.00 Sex, Lies and Michael Aspel 02.00 Jerry Hall's Gurus 02.55 Dreamspaces 03.25 Love for Sale Hey, it’s the end of the week, and now there’s only a few left for you to work your way through, tally up all your remaining money and you, yes you can now afford to buy....

09.25 The Premiership 10.25 Pop Idol 11.30 Pop Idol Extra 12.45 Pop Idol Results 13.15 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 13.50 Lance Burton - Master Magician On the Road 14.40 Emmerdale Omnibus 17.05 Coronation Street Omnibus 19.30 Great Escapes 20.00 Pop Idol 21.05 Pop Idol 22.20 Pop Idol Results 22.45 Pop Idol Extra - The Results 23.20 Coronation Street 23.50 The Frank Skinner Show 00.40 Cold Feet 01.40 Beggars and Choosers 02.40 Teleshopping 03.40 Club Reps The Workers Uncut 04.40 Judge Judy 05.00 Trisha loads of CDs in time for Christmas. Here’s a comprehensive list of fun things that should be on everyone’s lists: The God Machine, Rufus

10.00 The Salon Live 19.00 The Salon: Reappointment 20.00 The West Wing 21.00 Dawson's Creek 22.00 Joe Millionaire UK 22.45 Little Friends 23.15 Bo Selecta! Fuck off. 23.45 The West Wing 00.40 Dawson's Creek 01.30 Little Friends 02.00 Bo Selecta! 02.25 Fame and Misfortune - Excesses 03.20 Your Face or Mine? Wainwright, The Weakerthans, Liars, Thursday, Caravan, the excellent and largely unnoticed Welsh prog-rockers Man, the Outkast album being played in the office right now, and my favourite album of 2003 so far, by Songs:Ohia. Your dad would love all of them. Incidentally, TV Desk would like at this point to tell you about our Christmas presents scheme. As a big thank you, we’re opening the GR office for you to leave us loads of presents: For me: White Lightning, for Andy: Keira Knightley in a tub of vaseline. For Holly: Her own porn film.

06.00 Hour of Power 07.00 Malo Korrigan 07.30 Batman 08.00 Stargate Infinity 08.30 Pokemon Advanced 09.00 Yu-Gi-Oh! 09.30 Futurama 10.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Afterburn 11.00 World Wrestling Entertainment Heat 12.00 Futurama 12.30 Malcolm in the Middle 13.00 Gamezville 14.00 Family Guy 14.30 Futurama 15.00 Star Trek: Voyager 16.00 Star Trek: Voyager 17.00 Family Guy 17.30 Futurama 18.00 The Simpsons 18.30 The Simpsons 19.00 Malcolm in the Middle 19.30 Malcolm in the Middle 20.00 Dream Team 21.00 Temptation Island 22.00 Is Harry on the Boat? 23.00 Sex on the Beach 00.00 Son of the Beach 00.30 Scrubs 01.00 Is Harry on the Boat? 01.50 Son of the Beach 02.15 Double Entry 02.40 Celebrity Feuds Behaving Badly 03.30 Ultimate 10 Unexplained Mysteries 04.05 Cribs 04.20 Star Trek: Voyager 05.10 Star Trek: Voyager

As S4C except: 06.00 Grabbit the Rabbit 07.00 Insektors 07.10 Bug Alert! 07.35 Totally Spies! 08.00 Skiing on 4: World Cup 08.30 Smash Hits 09.00 T4: Popworld. 09.55 T4: Hollyoaks Omnibus 12.30 T4: G Girls 13.10 T4: Union Jack 13.40 The Bleeped Osbournes 14.15 T4: Friends 14.45 T4: Will and Grace 15.15 T4: Britney Laid Bare Don’t get excited. 15.50 T4: Andromeda 16.40 T4: Stargate SG-1 17.35 Scrapheap Challenge 18.40 Enterprise 19.30 Channel 4 News . 20.00 Matt's Old Masters: Rubens 21.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune: Trust Me, I'm the Prime Minister 22.00 FILM: Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? **** Over to TV Andy: “Homers Odyssey set during the American Depression in the Deep South - it’s fucking awesome.” 00.00 V Graham Norton: Look Back 01.00 FILM: Bats ** 02.40 FILM: The Beast Must Die *** 04.10 Wolfman 04.15 Lifer: Living with Murder

Britney Laid Bare C4 3.15pm

Sunday 23 November

Five minute fun

Page 30

November 24 2003

To celebrate the enormous sucess of the wonderful conclusion to the Matrix trilogy, here is the first in a series of scripts for exclusive deleted scenes. Riotous... The Matrix Trilogy – Deleted scenes #1 INT. The Matrix The Oracle: So you've come back, Neo. Neo: You knew I would. The Oracle: Yes, I did. Cookie? Neo: You know whether I'm going to take one. The Oracle: Yes, I do. Neo: No, thanks. The Oracle: Suit yourself. Neo: Okay, then, yes. The Oracle: All right. Neo: I mean no. The Oracle: That's fine. Neo: Er, I mean yes. The Oracle: That's fine too. Neo: Did you put hash in these cookies? The Oracle: You already know that. Neo: Cool.

Whoever said that a little bit of effort pays off in the long run was right. Last week’s winner, Chris Allen, came up with an astounding 50 ways to skin a cat - I don’t know how many were tried and tested, but I shall endeavour to include a few f.y.i. And for the clever sod who said there’s no such thing as free meal - how wrong are you?

To claim your free meal bring the completed crossword up to the office or put it in one of the purple competition boxes around the union. So, tiebreaker.... Who was the best ever character in Neighbours and why? _____________________________________________ _____________________________________________

Win a meal for two at the Dalchini, Fine Indian Cuisine Restaurant, two meals with rice (excluding King Prawn, Mix Grill and Shashlick). Open Sunday - Thursday 6pm - 1am Friday and Saturday 6pm - 2am. 10 Mackintosh Place, 02920 481805

The Half-Arsed Quiz 1. Which Scorsese movie inspired an assassination attempt on president Ronald Reagan? 2. How many pages in War and Peace? 3. Ex-Wales international John Cornforth saved which club from being relegated when he was installed as manager in the 2001/02 season before being contraversially sacked? 4. Why? 5. Which Reggae-pop romantic was a paratrooper in the first Gulf War?

1. Taxi Driver 2. Depends on which edition 3. Exeter City 4. Because 5. Shaggy

Enough about beer - let’s talk about sex...

spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the NIGHTMARE #1 light was on and he saw his wife After a long night of making love, shaving her legs. He exclaimed, the young guy rolled over, pulled "What are you doing in here?!?" out a cigarette from his jeans and She said, "Shhhh!", pointing at searched for his lighter. Unable to the bed, "You'll wake your mothfind it, he asked the girl if she had er" one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer," NIGHTMARE #3 she replied. He opened the drawer One night a guy takes his girlof the bedside table and found a friend home. As they are about to box of matches sitting neatly on kiss each other goodnight at the top of a framed picture of another front door, the guy starts feeling a man. Naturally, the guy began to little horny. With an air of confiworry. "Is this your husband?" he dence, he leans with his hand inquired nervously. “No, silly," she against the wall and smiling, he replied, snuggling up to him. "Your says to her, "Honey, would you boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, give me a blow job?" Horrified, not at all", she said, nibbling away she replies, "Are you mad? My at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" parents will see us!" "Oh come demanded the bewildered guy. on! Who's gonna see us at this Calmly, the girl replied, "That's hour?" He asks grinning at her. me before the operation." "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on! NIGHTMARE #2 There's nobody around, they're all The spark had been lost in this sleeping!" guy's marriage, so he was trying Out of the blue, the light on the think of a way to rekindle it. One stairs goes on, and the girl's sisnight he came from work, and ter shows up in her pajamas, hair found his wife asleep in bed. He disheveled, and in a sleepy voice thought to himself, "what should I she says, "Dad says to go do? Oh-I know." He proceeded to ahead and give him a blow job. Or get under the covers and go down if need be, mom says she can on his wife. Soon she began to come down herself and do it. But gently squirm and moan in pleas- for God's sake tell him to take his ure. hand off the intercom!" After a few minutes, her body

Neo: I fancy Trinity. The Oracle: I know that. You don't have to be an Oracle to know that you are exactly the type to go for a bike-riding, PVC catsuit-wearing tough chick. Neo: Oh. The Oracle: I suppose you want me to explain the plot to you. Neo: It'd be nice. The Oracle: Well, I'm not going to. Neo: Go on. The Oracle: No, I'm going to be cryptic for another ten minutes and ramble about choices. Neo: Do you have to? The Oracle: Yes. Neo: But why can't you just tell me what's going to happen? The Oracle: You already know the answer to that question. Neo: Because that way Morpheus doesn't get to gabble on about believing in me? The Oracle: Bingo. Neo: Where's that little bald kid gone? The Oracle: To pester Uri Geller. Neo: Figures.

Matt’s Problem Page

November 24 2003

Page 31

(Or answers from the Angry Man inside him :


Problem of the Week

Phillip Dear gair ryhdd We’re having some big problems at the moment because we live next door to a drummer. It’s not so much that he’s bad, it’s that he’s playing really late at night and sometimes there’ll be a guitarist in there with him. We’ve all got a lot of work at the moment, revision and coursework, and trust me, when he’s playing you can’t concentrate a single bit. It’s really not fair. When he isn’t playing he’s listening to music really loudly and doesn’t have any respect for anyone. God knows what his own house thinks. We’ve even tried banging on his wall, but it didn’t seem to change anything. None of us want to go around to his house and confront him, because we don’t want to start some kind of neighbourly war. What can we do? Anon, Cathays

Firstly, you can shut up. I bet Phil Collins didn’t get this kind of grief. It’s not so much that you don’t get the Plight of the Drummer ™ it’s that you single handedly cast down every single musician in Cardiff. I don’t think you realise that musicians need to practice. I think you actually have issues with control. It’s not as if you’re going to do well in your coursework anyway, you’re only at uni because Daddy hated your face. I’d be surprised if you didn’t incite the drumming by banging on the wall - drummers need all the attention they can get and if they feel that someone is appreciating the nineteenth time they "do the Phil" then surely it would produce the opposite effect? Drum politics are especially delicate, admittedly, particularly in the sense that drummers are a rare bunch. Who else gets the right to spack out for a limited amount of time (apart from epileptics, you sharp witted devil you)? Aye, not many. Come on now "anon", lets play democracy shall we? I tell you to shut up, let him be, and you put your head down and pretend to work. Pleb. Matt

Richard Dear gair rhydd Hi, I’ve started uni this year and I’ve made a big problem for myself. It’s not that I can’t get myself out of it, it’s that I don’t know the best way to do it. When I got here I thought that everyone would be sleeping around, all the stuff I’d heard from people in older years made me think that Freshers week would be a mad week of beer and girls. Basically the mates I’ve now made from my halls and off my course think that I’m really experienced when actually I’ve never slept with anyone and haven’t had the nerve to tell people that. People think I’m really outgoing and up for anything but I’m starting to think that they just like the fact that I’m one of the lads and like going out on the pull. I’m scared that if I tell them that I’m a virgin they’ll think less of me and I won’t be as popular with them. Every time we go out I have to make an excuse about why I didn’t go back to anyone’s house when the rest of them do. How do I tell them? Name and year withheld When the lads get in, barricade the door. Replica BB guns might be applicable, but most importantly, act calm and collected. The key to deception is usually in the plan, you see. Using

the bottles of wine you purchased earlier that day, slowly decant into your high ballers, whispering softly "I have something to tell you". Try not to make it sound too menacing mind, most people would detect an air of paedophilia in that kind of tone. Anyway, I digress. Tie them up. Gag them. Put a sock over the fire alarm. Pour or spray lighter fluid/Kerosene/white spirit/Lynx on them. Don a balaclava at this point if it will make you feel more "terrorist" than "lying, abhorrent minge" and dance manically around the kitchen. Using the BB gun, prod them in the cheeks. This will make them feel like you feel inside. If by this point you are beginning to feel overtly powerful, stop deluding yourself, you’ve gagged them, remember, they are pathetic, drunk, and impressionable. Talk to them - threatening them with the 35p lighter you should have acquired with the wine – and detail how you will systematically burn them should they divulge the truth. Obvious jokes about Richard ‘look at my new trains you can listen to the radio’ Branson aren’t ideal for you either. If none of the above works, try A Touch of Class.


Dear gair rhydd. I like to poke stray dogs and cats with pointy sticks and the other day I was caught by the police. When asked what could have motivated me to do this I couldn’t answer. Would you please, please, please help me, as I have to see a magistrate next week and I’m terrified of the outcome, what can I do to sort myself out? Yours, Trev, (1st year psychology). Fuck off. Matt.


Lyn, 1st year

Dear gair rhydd, I have a really weird phobia. It developed about a year ago but its really started to get me down recently. When I was younger I got caught shoplifting in Woolworth’s, it wasn’t so bad, and I thought I’d get away with it because they never used to have security cameras in the one where I got caught. Thing is, ever since this happened I’ve been really scared of the theft detectors at the entrance to shops. When I see one I get really nervous and anxious, and a couple of times they’ve gone off and I’ve nearly had a panic attack because I’d not stolen anything. Even when I walk in a shop I have to take a deep breath before I actually go in, and when I do get in there I always feel like I’m being watched by the security. I don’t know why it’s the bleeper things that scare me but my flat mates really love shopping and I dread it when we go in expensive places in case I get accused. I’m really worried about it getting worse because it’s coming up to Christmas and I have to do my Christmas shopping for my family.

I wouldn’t say it was such a bizarre phobia Lyn; a lot of people are scared of some really stupid things too. Perhaps if you took a friend who understood how you felt then you’d have some support to help you through the hideous sounding bleepythings. I would advise you simply to take it a step at a time. The security guards in shops are merely there to help – not hinder – your shopping experience. They don’t want to touch you, and although they might often have reclusive sexual fantasies about you in a tie and wielding a walkie-talkie, they will more often than not be glad to calm your nerves when you do set the alarms off. It’s a daunting experience to conquer your fears, sure, but if all else fails there’s alcohol. Next time you walk in to a shop with said bleepythings, just remember that if you hold your chin high, shoulders back, straight back, you can maintain a sense of decency. You can know that you don’t look suspicious - you just look confidant. Hope I’ve been a help. Dirty thief. Matt.

Handy Tip Of the Week! In primary school, when I was but wee and so forth, we used to sing a song in assembly about the perils of litter. It has many subversive agendas, not obviously the fact that if you leave plastics on the street you are liable to kill a hedgehog. And Matt likes hedgehogs. The first verse of said song (with claps) is as follows: "Milk bottle tops and paper bags/Iron Bedsteads, dirty old rags/ Litter on the pavement litter on the streets/ Is this what we (cha cha chachacha) really want to see cha (cha chachacha) NO (CHA) NO (CHA) NO!" SO STOP WALKING HOME PISSED FROM THE UNION AND KICKING EVERYONE’S FUCKING RUBBISH BAGS ALL OVER THE STREET YOU DIRTY PEASANTS, I MEAN IT, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE THIS CAUSES. IF YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT, THEN THINK OF THE HEDGEHOGS, AND THEN THINK OF ME, WITH A HAMMER, AND YOUR FACE.


Lewarse Lane’s Photo Casebook

Still here then? Wonderful. Not received any decent problems yet, why would that be? You needn’t worry about a thing in my capable hands chaps. Callous I may be, but at least I’m honest. Unlike you lot, who are still lying about the Matrix Revolutions. Get over yourselves, seriously. x Matt Hill

To be continued... "What the fuck, Andrea! Who’s this bit of meat [extremely naked, Mmmm] in MY bed?

"There best be some REAL good explanation for this, you awful slapper!"

"An early birthday present?! GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

"Beats that watch you brought me last year, ya big lesbo! "Hmmm. Glad YOU enjoyed [prick]!

We’ve come a long way but we just couldn’t go the final step

Welsh manager Mark Hughes, 19 November 2003

Wales’ football dreams are shattered

IMG match Momed v. Economics

Back page

page 35

Issue 751. 24 November2003 Sport Editors: Riath AlSamarrai, David Williams Email: Website:

Ski club win BUSA. page 34


Woosie’s Welsh woe 4-under par 68 in round one. Even as the final round began, they were only one shot behind Casey and HAVING MET JUST HOURS earlier Rose, and one shot behind the in the rugby World Cup semi-final, Scottish pair of Paul Lawrie and the English and the French faced Alastair Forsyth. The UK competition was very another World Cup showdown, on the golf course in Kiawah Island. much alive until a double bogey at the Paul Casey and Justin Rose shot a 5- 16th condemned Wales to 12th place under 67 in round four, to finish one and an even par finish. An impressive last round 5-under shot ahead of the French pair, in secpar 67, from the ond place, and comexperienced Irish plete a double that pair of Padraig Nelson would have Harrington and been proud of. Paul McGinley, Champions, for saw them overtake the second time in Wales as well, to three years though, climb eight places were South Africa, from 13th to joint this time with Trevor 5th with the US. Immelman and Rory Hitting the Sabbatini orchestratinternational sporting the Springbok Immelman and Sabbatini ing calendar, canter that had seen them seven shots clear of France and between the heartache of a rugby World Cup exit, and the excitement of the US overnight. They finished with a 13-under par a Euro 2004 play-off qualifier, guartotal of 275 for the tournament, and antees that this minor disappointment underlined the strength in depth with- will go virtually unnoticed in Wales. Furthermore, it means that the in South African golf at present. The Welsh pair of local boy World Golf Championship, scarcely Bradley Dredge and veteran pro, Ian deserving of the title ‘World Cup’, Woosnam, might have fancied their will once again fade quickly into chances lying second after a blistering obscurity.

By James Cooke

Just not good enough By David Williams, Sports Editor FOLLOWING WALES’ exit from Euro 2004 at the hands of Russia, Mark Hughes has confirmed that he would like to remain at the helm of the team. "Given the choice, I would like to stay," admitted Hughes. "But the fact that we have not qualified means the FAW will have something to say about that.

The truth is that we failed again. We just weren’t good enough.

Gary Speed

"My job is to try to get Wales to major championships and I have failed twice to do that." After earning a 0-0 draw in Moscow, Wales, as in 1993 fell at the final hur-

dle. And Hughes is honest about the way his team played. "We had to chase the game once they scored and their big lads defended resolutely. "We needed more variation. There were too many straight balls to big John (Hartson) and it was very difficult to make inroads." But Hughes is proud of the way his team has played throughout the qualifying campaign, where, at one stage, they had accumulated 12 points out of 12 and headed their group. "We’ve come a long way but we just couldn’t go the final step. "I’m very proud of them, and we’ll hopefully pick ourselves up. "Our resources are outstretched at times and we have to make sure all the right structures are in place for the future. We are all so disappointed." Wales skipper Gary Speed, who also suffered heartbreak ten years ago against Romania, was equally distraught. "The truth is that we failed again. We just weren’t good enough. "We had a few chances but we didn’t take them. At half time we fancied ourselves if we could get a goal back but we didn’t.

Wright’s weird weekends This week our sports reporter, Mr. Wright, experiences the ups and downs of life at the trampoline club

In last week’s column, it read, "next week our man gets his butt kicked in kickboxing." But being a poor timekeeper and not one for ‘self-discipline’ (one of the hallmarks of any martial art) I turned up late. An unimpressed and brick shithouse sized Dan (a master of kickboxing) told me "you’re too late mate, you’ve broken the fifteen minute rule." I had already managed to embarrass myself and annoy people without actually having done anything for once. And next week, when I finally do get around to try my hand (and feet) at the sport I’m hoping that the bouncerstyle build and agility of the senior members of the kickboxing club have short memories from all the blows to the head they’ve taken.

I was expecting to get thrown around like a rag doll in the mouth of a rottweiler.

It was fun, no really

But I value the ability to walk and breath, so next time I’ll make sure I do not do anything to wind up the people at kickboxing, especially when there was talk of putting me in the advanced section. After last week's strenuous netball training and the looks of disdain I got from Mr. Miyagi and his students, I decided to give myself an easy ride. Trampolining. A 'sport' that you only ever see on Blue Peter, and surely just involves jumping up and down. Wrong. When a very helpful Victoria Gray gave me a quick crash course (if you pardon the pun) of the sport, things slowly descended into me being the focus for other people's ridicule again. And in front of a bunch of attractive looking women. "Nice legs" one girl guffawed. But I wasn't going to let this phase

Getting high, again

me. I was going to redeem myself and show them that I could bounce up and down and try to do a few moves too. Sadly, a communication problem between Gray and me (i.e. I did the opposite of what I was told) didn't make things run as smoothly. "Stay in the middle" she informed me. I went and bounced everywhere. A task that should be simple enough for a sheep after a full frontal lobotomy, but I possessed none of the agility and gracefulness of Gray and her fellow trampoliners. I was told not to look down either, but seeing that my over zealous bouncing was catapulting me up in the air and all over the place, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t slingshot myself off the trampoline and into the badminton court next door. Even the photographer remarked "It’s not that difficult Ben!" But luckily, Gray and her girls were more than

"We have just got to keep improving and keep the momentum going if we don’t want to go back to square one." Russia coach Georgy Yartsev, however, was pleased at the way his side played, particularly the way they dealt with Wales’ main threat. "I spent a lot of time talking to my players prior to the game, telling them to give special attention to Ryan Giggs and I think a guy of his level did not have two of his best games. "I gave Viktor Onopko a special task to deal with Hartson and he performed it perfectly although Hartson is one of the strongest players in Europe. "We have gone from a situation which was worse than you can possibly imagine to qualifying for the European championships." With the World Cup draw not far away, and the prospect of another tough group it could be another long period of time before Wales reach a major championship. patient with me and despite my bizarre ‘interpretation’ of the sport they offered plenty of advice in my direction. Gray said, "Although we haven’t got any guys doing trampolining, we’re more than happy to welcome new people. Men or women." Also, I was impressed in the way that they were all a tightly knit group who were all friendly and quite charming. I just wish that the people at kickboxing were the same, because in the next few weeks I'm going to be doing the best John Wayne walk this side of the River Taff. Next week it is kickboxing. Remember, I’m fragile and bruise easily so I need people to treat me with care.

This job has some perks


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November 24 2003

By Tom Brown AU President It feels like only yesterday that our teams first stepped out onto the pitches for their first matches, but already we are up to week six of the BUSA fixtures. The last two sets of results were the best so far this year so the pressure was on to continue this success. The weekend results were incredible, with the Ski Team crowned BUSA Champions on their first ever attempt and a BUSA silver going to the Ladies’ Badminton Team. Wednesday saw the Rugby showdown against the Medics where a great team effort and first

TENNNIS with Hywel Bevan CARDIFF’S WOMEN’S team continued their successful start to the season with victory against Southampton. The women’s team immediately faced an uphill task as first seed Charlotte Lines lost in three sets (5-7 6-4 6-4). However, the team was soon in command as second, third and fourth seeds Henrietta Eve

class kicking from Rob Lawson gained them an emphatic 24-3 victory, putting them top of their league. The men’s football first team were also up against the Medics, but were held to a scoreless draw. Ladies’ football won 2-0 against Southampton with only ten players, courtesy of goals from Sarah Newbury and Kelly Phillips and a great performance by player of the match Jess Marsh. Lacrosse continued their unbeaten run with an 8-4 win over Bristol despite the game wrongly commencing while there were only eight of our girls on the pitch. Scorers included Georgie Reames, Katie Dunwoody, Becky Diggles and Steph Blott and player of the match was awarded to Fran Williams. It was a good week for hockey with the men’s first team taking an impressive 4-3 victory over UWIC thanks to a cracking goal by Mark Dunn to the delights of a vocal

(7-5 6-0), Hannah Smith (6-1 6-2) and Anna Lambert (6-1 6-1) all completed straight-sets victories. Cardiff continued its domination as Eve and Lambert won their doubles tie 8-2. Meanwhile, the men’s home fixture against Exeter was another uncompleted affair. First and second seeds Saq Rana and Dan Labatto were victorious in their doubles rubber (8-2) but No 3 and No 5 seeds

crowd on the sideline. Hockey fourth team won 4-0 against RAC second team. Men`s third team thrashed UWIC seconds 6-0 while the ladies thirds continued their unbeaten streak with a 5-0 win over Glamorgan seconds with great performances from Rhian ThomsonJones, Charlotte Powell and Rhian Thomas. On the netball court, success went to the fourth team who beat the Medics seconds 43-11 with points from Emily Sadler, Rhian Kembler and player of the match Hayley Jones. Further congratulations to the unbeaten Squash seconds, who thrashed Aberystwyth, the golf team who beat Glamorgan 3.5-2.5 and finally the ladies’ badminton team who narrowly beat Bristol 54, partly thanks to Rachel Pitt who was on top form. Well done Cardiff – only two weeks of fixtures left before the Christmas break.

James Franklin and Raphael OlszynaMarzys lost 8-6 in the second doubles tie. Cardiff dominated in the singles rubbers as Rana (6-3 6-0) and Labatto (6-4 76) registered straight sets victories and, despite being taken to three sets, Franklin also claimed a win (6-7 6-1 6-2). The matches brought a welcome return to winning ways for the men’s team, as they completed their fourth win out of six matches.

Cardiff find results cure CARDIFF UNI 24 MEDICS 3 By James Cole and Toby Rigden THIS ENCOUNTER LIVED up to its pre-match expectations and proved to be an epic battle between the two top sides in of the BUSA league. In a game that was closer than perhaps the score line suggests, Cardiff produced some of the best rugby of their season so far, emerging victorious 24-3. Having suffered defeat at the hands of the Medics in the opening week of the

BUSA championships, victory this time around was imperative in order for Cardiff to keep their promotion hopes alive. In an extremely tight opening first half, in which both teams traded penalty kicks, the first try was always going to be decisive. Tries either side of half time enabled Cardiff to take control of the match and left the Medics chasing the game in the second half. Cardiff claimed the opening score following a period of concerted pressure inside their opponents’ half, with number eight Ian Evans exploiting a hole in Medics’ defence to score down the right hand touchline. Shortly after half time, Cardiff

Victorious Cardiff University celebrate their revenge victory

demonstrated their forward superiority with a twenty-yard driving maul from a lineout. Unable to prevent Cardiff’s powerful surge, the Medics collapsed the maul inches from their try-line, conceding a penalty try. Scrum half Rob Lawson converted both tries to give Cardiff a commanding 17-3 lead. Dominating the set-piece battle, Cardiff starved the medics of any clean possession and kept them on the back foot with some astute tactical kicking. The match was put beyond doubt midway through the second half when some clinical handling in the Cardiff backline found prop Gareth Howard on hand to deliver the scoring pass to fullback Lawrence Price. Rob Lawson again converted, taking Cardiff’s lead to 24-3. Despite a late Medics onslaught in the final minutes of the game, Cardiff’s defence refused to buckle. Second row Chris Meharg epitomised the resilience of Cardiff’s defensive effort, breaking two ribs as he held up an otherwise certain Medics score. Cardiff’s Rugby Development Coordinator Adrian Evans was able to shed a rare smile following the victory. Speaking after the game he said "It was a great display from the whole team, they really got with the programme today." Meanwhile Cardiff 2nd XV were left ruing missed opportunities as they were narrowly defeated 18-16 away at Exeter. Talismanic captain Matthew Perkins scored 11 points in difficult kicking conditions with centre Sam Burford scoring Cardiff’s only try.

CHAMPIONS By Chris Finch and Gareth Keenan CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Ski and Snowboard Team have won the BUSA championships at the first ever attempt. Last weekend 15 ski and snowboard team members from Cardiff University headed up to Edinburgh to compete in the British University Dry Slope Championships. Over 600 students from around the UK and Ireland arrived in Scotland to take on the longest and

s t e e p e s t Artificial Ski Slope in the world. Due to the arrival of three Welsh Ski Team freshers Mike Bool, and twins David and Mike Hatcher alongside A.U. President and ex-European Ski Champion Tom Brown (pictured), Cardiff were able to enter a formidable team. The Individual Slalom championships on the Friday, saw the ladies’ team performing well. In the men’s race Mike Bool finished 4th, narrowly missing out on a podium posi-

tion, while Tom Brown claimed a comfortable victory despite very little preparation and training for the event. In the snowboard discipline Pedro Demal rode well while Rob Older had an outstanding run to finish 8th in his first ever Snowboard Giant Slalom race. The men’s ski race had a fairy tale finale for Cardiff when David Hatcher skied into 2nd and Tom took top spot once again earning him a sweet double victory. The final event of the weekend was the British University Dual Slalom Championships where mixed teams of five skiers race head-tohead in a relay style. Laura Phillips joined the four strong Cardiff boys in the quest for further glory. Cardiff performed superbly to make the final against favourites Bristol. The Cardiff Team, particularly Laura who was lacking race experience, raced extremely well to win. Brown added: “It was a truly spectacular shock victory, which left Bristol unusually silenced. Hopefully the rest of the teams can see this and we can win even more awards.”

Cardiff title challenge sedated by Medics MEDICS 0 CARDIFF 1STS 0 By John Tuscany Football Correspondent A SPIRITED MEDICS side fought hard to secure a goalless draw against a lacklustre Cardiff side and in the process seriously dented Cardiff hopes of a league title. In difficult conditions, and under the guidance of an incredibly poor referee, both teams spent most of the game fighting a dogged midfield battle, with only Paul Avery and Lewis Wray coming out with any real credit. After defeating the Medics 4-1 earlier in the season, it seems complacency set in, with Cardiff never reaching anything like top form. The best chance, and indeed the Medic’s only chance of the game, fell when Cardiff failed to deal with a long clearance, only for the on rushing forward to head over a stranded Orral Nadjari. At the other end, Matt Kay blazed high and wide, and Mike Rabjohns volleyed over from 10 yards, when both should have tested the Medic’s keeper.

The best chances of the game fell to Cardiff after the break. Simon Lewis headed straight at the keeper from eight yards after good work from Andy Myles, and Will Thompson failed to convert after rounding Medics’ keeper, who recovered well to make a fine save. Half chances came and went for Rabjohns and Si Green, as well as a 20 yard drive from Mark Lucas, again saved well by the on-song Medic’s keeper. A succession of late corners yielded nothing, and Cardiff were left to rue two dropped points. Elsewhere, a dominant and industrious display by the third team earned a well deserved point against their second team counterparts. The third team, encouraged by a recent run of impressive victories, bossed the lacklustre second string. A deeply wounded Jon Forbes admitted that his team were second best: "We were lucky to come away with a point. My boys just didn’t look up for it." The third team took the lead through a Joe Dixon penalty, before James Cain stole a late equaliser to give the seconds a share of the points.

IMG Sport

November 24 2003

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Race for football’s Premier division hots up Some of the teams were so laid back that they didn’t even turn up to play their friendlies. The last two group matches played were Pharmacy ‘A’ v Chemsoc and Carbs ‘B’ v Sawsa. Pharmacy won 15By Beca Murphy 5, and Carbs ‘B’ won 12-1. IMG Chair The outcome of these two matches didn’t change the league tables signifiThe netball girls took it easy this cantly, Pharmacy will be in the week, seeing as their season has fin- Premiership division, Carbs ‘B’ and Chemsoc stay in the 1st division and ished until after Christmas.

FOOTBALL RESULTS Group A Momed 4 Economics 1 Law B 0 Accountancy 4 Cathays FC 2 Optometry 5 Myg Myg 2 Earth Soc 5

Group B Carbs A 1 Xpresston NorthEnd 0 English Soc 0 FC Real 3 AFCHistory 0 Christian Union 3 Irish FC 5 Uni Hallstars 1

Group C Jomec 1 Mathletico Madrid 1 John Jenkins FC 1 Accountington Stanley 3 Planderlecht 4 Afro-Caribbean Society 5 Bute Park Utd 4 Carbs B 4

Group D Law A 3 Chemsoc 2 The George FC 1 Lokomotiv Engin 4 Gym Gym 3 Athletico Roy 0 Pharm AC 1 Japsoc 1

FOOTBALL WEEK 7 Group A Earth Soc v Optometry Law B v Myg Myg Cathays FC v Momed Economics v Accountancy

Group B Carbs A v AFC History Xpresston NorthEnd v FC Real English Soc v Irish FC Christian Union v Uni Hallstars

Group C Jomec v John Jenkins FC Accountington Stanley v Afro Caribbean Soc Bute Park Utd FC v Planderlecht Mathletico Madrid v Carbs B

Group D Law A v Gym Gym The George FC v Pharm AC Chemsoc v Lokomotiv Engin Athletico Roy v Japsoc

Sawsa will be in the 2nd division. There were no major surprises over at Pontcanna either. Xpresston Northend lost 1-0 against Carbs ‘A’, although Tom McEnery nearly got the equaliser for the away team, but unfortunately his effort was stopped on the goal line. A close match was fought out between Mathletico Madrid and Jomec. The 1-1 final result pushed Jomec down to 3rd position in the league table, allowing Afro-Caribbean to move up to

2nd place. Law ‘A’ were saved during the second half by a superb hat-trick by captain Marc Cahill. The Law ‘A’ boys had an almighty fight on by half time, after being 2-0 down to Chemsoc. Lokomotiov Engin seem to be rolling along quite happily at the moment after gaining another 4-1 win against The George FC. Cathays FC aren’t quite achieving what they’d thought they would this

FEATURED MATCH: Momed v. Economics By Adam Lewis

By Tom Gough

Momed: Steven Gee 7, Adam Lewis 7, Owen Williams 7, Chris Brown 8, Ian Jack 9, Matt Britton 7, Matt Johnson 9, Tom Stevens 7, Nick Blundell 7, Steve Crow 7, Adrian Woods 8. Subs: John Hollis 7, Mark Wanchope 7, Tim Lewis 8. Economics: Ben Smith 7, Matt Flynn 6, Steve Weakly 6, Danny Evans 6, Simon Jones 7, Barry Stranfor 6, Robyn Caunse 6, Andy Williams 8, Martin Xiberras 7, Alex Guedi 7, Richard Brewer 6. Subs. Pete Clark 7, Steve Dunne 7, Steve Ornishe 6

Much anticipation surrounded this qualifying game as the rivalry between Momed AFC and Economics has escalated since last season. As expected, both teams started fiercely but it was Momed who took the lead with a goal from left back Williams after a corner, and another goal followed shortly after by Woods to make the score 2 – 0. At this point Momed took control of the match using their two goal cushion to calm nerves, but work by the combative Economics midfield kept their team in the game. As the match progressed

MEN’S HOCKEY Dunn and dusted for men’s firsts

Pic: Tim Cantebury

Momed 4 Economics 1 Entertainment value: 8/10

Star Man: Ian Jack

term, losing yet another match 5-2 to Optometry. This means that they have now lost every match they’ve played so far. And with a final match against Momed, it looks set that they are bound for the 3rd division after Christmas. Christian Union’s win over AFC History means that they are now set to play in the 1st division in the new year, and I predict a win for the Christian Union boys next week.

He must have a foot like a traction engine! Economics created various first half chances but always lacked the killer blow, until a deflected shot hit the back of the net making it 2 – 1. The second half saw sustained pressure by Economics but the Momed defence were always up to the challenge. The result was sealed after some classic breakaway football allowed the pacey Momed attack to force in two goals in quick succession. One came from off an Economics player and the other from striker Crow. The last 20 minutes saw Momed take control of the match and safely earn their place in the Premiership with a 4 – 1 victory.

Much of the credit must lay with the impressive midfield partnership between Johnson and Britton. After their call ups for the IMG select eleven last season, Momed fans will be pleased to see them reunited to such effect. After entering semi-retirement over the summer, Johnson was talked into answering an SOS for the team heralded as one of IMG’s finest. Yet despite being considered one of the favourites to lift the trophy, many punters will remember that the side choked last season, finishing a disappointing second. Question marks until remain despite this convincing win.

IT WAS NO average day for the men’s hockey club after three superb results from three thrilling matches. It started with a 6-0 win for the 3rds over local amateurs UWIC 2nds. Everyone in the team played a part in the conclusive victory. Captain Angus Wan, in particular, led the side well, on and off the pitch. The 4ths then beat the Cirencester Royal Agricultural College 4-0 at Talybont to make it two out of two. The 1sts then took on UWIC 1sts in the day’s grudge match. The 200-plus crowd were anticipating a keenly fought contest. And, for a time it looked to be going that way. However, Cardiff soon swept into a two goal lead and appeared to be cruising. But just as they looked comfortable, UWIC came back with two goals of their own to set up a grandstand finish. It was captain Mark Dunn who stepped up to score the winner with only a few minutes left on the clock and send the Cardiff crowd home happy. However, after a successful week for Cardiff’s hockey teams, the seconds lost out to Bath, eventually succumbing 4-0.



Women’s Football Team By Thom Airs As international footballers go, the Wales defender across the table from me is neither arrogant nor demanding. But then this particular international is not earning £30,000 a week and signing-up to lucrative sponsorship deals. Emma Jones is one of Cardiff University’s most talented sportspeo-

ple, but unfortunately her chances of national fame and exposure are almost non-existent: “Last May the Welsh FA withdrew us from our European qualifiers without warning, they would rather pay £23,000 to withdraw us than send us to Kazakhstan to play our game”. Before we get onto the subject of funding and support for the game,

Jones is confident, yet unassuming, as she talks about her rise through the ranks of women’s football: “I got into football by playing with my three brothers and I signed up for a boys’ team to begin with. “From then on I played for Newport Strikers (a female team) who were taken over by Newport County and eventually Merthyr Tydfil. Then, last season I was given the chance to play semi-pro with Bristol Rovers.” When I ask if it is difficult to combine her Chemistry degree with training, Jones laughs and is realistic in her reply: “It can be really difficult, I train almost every day, playing games for both Bristol and the Uni first team. But I do just about manage to fit it all in” Jones appears passionate and knowledgeable about all aspects of the game, dismissing Perugia’s attempted signing of Hanna Ljungberg as illadvised: “The women’s game is totally

different, it’s a lot more skills-based and not so physically demanding. I could out-play blokes but it’s hard to compete in terms of pace and power.” However, when pressed into commenting on the rivalry between male and female players she smiles and adds: “I’d love to have a go in the IMG, just to prove that women can play.” Despite the passion and skill of players such as Emma, a lack of funding is threatening players’ careers, even in America: “I’d love to have a crack at the American pro-league but that’s just collapsed due to financial problems so now I just have to take things as they come.” With dreams of playing in America seemingly a little way off I ask Jones what her domestic ambitions are: “Well, Bristol Rovers are doing well in the Premiership and we’re in the semifinal of the League Cup so I’m just trying to get more Welsh caps,

although funding is also tight there.” Emma starts to become a little more animated as she explains that her chances of enjoying a long career as a Welsh International are being undermined by the Welsh FA’s lack of funding and organisation: “They took us to a training camp in the Algarve in March ahead of qualifiers in May but I picked up the paper one day and found out that we’d been withdrawn. Even now they haven’t contacted me about the withdrawal so the only way I knew was through reading the paper. “It’s unfortunate that we don’t get the backing that the English FA get. I basically have to look for a career in Chemistry because there’s no money in women’s football.” It’s sad to see someone with a huge talent come up against such fundamental obstacles but Emma is still playing regularly and it is clear that she’s enjoying the matches if not all of the behind-the-scenes politics.

“There were people a lot worse than me. Notably Si Green- he was irrelevant”

Ben Wright


gr sports’’s roaming reporter goes trampolining Page 33

Ski team become the BUSA Champions at the first attempt Page 34

Mike Rabjohns


24 November 2003 - Issue 751

GUTTED WALES 0-1 RUSSIA By Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Editor WHEN FATE CONSPIRES against you, it takes more than just passion and determination to fight the inevitable, and sadly for Wales, their 45 year mission to reach a major championship ended with heartbreak in the Millennium Stadium on Wednesday night. Vadim Evseev, Ryan Giggs’ nemesis in the first leg, scored Russia’s 22nd minute winner in a game that exposed Wales’ inability to compete at the top

level and ended their dreams of appearing at Euro 2004. And frankly, Wales were not good enough to appear on the scene of Europe’s elite. Each of the Welsh jerseys was filled with pride and wreaked with endeavour by the end of a soul-destroying 90 minutes, but for a side whose ambitions are capped by a lack of ability in key areas, the result was a fair one. Patriotic fans may blame destiny in the wake of defeat, as they suffered what is all too familiarly known this side of the Severn Bridge as “one of those days,” but the more realistic root of the problem lies with the players. Defensively Wales looked stretched and could not replicate the heroic dis-

play from Moscow at the weekend, whilst upfront John Hartson sluggishly wasted chances and struggled to escape the superb marking of Viktor Onopko. Hartson and Giggs sandwiched Evseev’s strike with awful misses, before Gary Speed sent an enticing header over the bar to fuel fatalist beliefs that this would not be their day, as chance after chance was squandered by the Welsh. The referee’s strict interpretation of the rule book heightened Welsh frustration, with a string of poor decisions culminating in a free kick for the first goal. Rolan Gusev lofted the ball into the danger area, and whilst Welsh players paused to admire the cross, Evseev rose unmarked to head past Paul Jones in the

home goal. In the absence of creative mavericks, Craig Bellamy and Simon Davies, Wales looked short of inspiration, and when chances did arrive, they were shortly followed by groans of anguish as the 73,000 strong crowd lost tolerance with a side slowly slipping out of contention. Welsh endeavour can never be faulted, but it will never provide a lasting substitute for real talent, and if they are ever to warrant, deserve and obtain a place in the elite of football, they will need to find this vital commodity, or there will only be more tears shed in the Millennium Stadium.

Quotes and reaction Page 33 Pics: Tim Alban


gair rhydd - Issue 751  

gair rhydd - Issue 751

gair rhydd - Issue 751  

gair rhydd - Issue 751