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On Yer Bike

Inside GRiP: Get trigger happy with The Matrix :Reloaded

Features explores Cardiff and the world Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

Monday 26th May / Free Word 740

gairrhydd “ Sheffield Steel Press can suck our meaty cocks

A greener future is in the bag

Mark Cobley reports GAIR RHYDD is going green for a fortnight to raise awareness of recycling in the student population. The campaign - jointly organised by the Cardiff Waste Forum, the Students’ Union, the University and this newspaper - aims to improve the levels of environmental responsibility amongst Cardiff students. To get the campaign off to a good start, gair rhydd is promoting the council’s green bag recycling scheme with an

offer of free green bags for students. See below for your cut-out coupon, which can be used in the Union shop. Hayley Richards of Cardiff Waste Forum said: “Many students who have recycled before coming to University are at a loss when they get here. “They cannot find the facilities to do so. “Through increasing the extent of knowledge students have and providing easy and simple methods for recycling, we hope that the student community can have an


Free Green Bags


This voucher entitles the bearer to one packet of ten green bags from the Students’ Union Shop. (Subject to availability)

extensive impact on the recycling culture and quality of life in Cardiff.” Until now students have not had a good reputation for being environmentally friendly, with the abandoned binbags that blight the streets of the student village being a major gripe of local residents. Glynrhondda Street in Cathays was recently voted the worst street in Cardiff because of the litter problem. With students often unaware of how and why they should recycle, gair rhydd is providing a comprehensive guide to everything you need to know about going green - including info on green bag collection routes, what rubbish is recyclable, and even a chance to win a goodybag of environmentally-friendly products!


PHOTO: ANNA MACTAGGAT Students are being urged to think about how they dispose of their rubbish

Recycle? Coak can Anna Hodgekiss reports THIRD-YEAR student Ben Coak has already been bitten by the recycling bug. He has founded and organised a Halls recycling campaign, entitled ROAR (Reuse Of Academic Refuse). The campaign is being run in collaboration with Residences and Catering and Cardiff Waste Forum. Tesco are also providing sponsorship for a van and driver for the first week of the re-use project, to help with collections and also to pick up trolleys from around Talybont. Ben had the idea for the project following his first year living in Talybont. He noticed his fellow students left an abundance of food and belongings behind. ROAR aims to collect as many of these unwanted goods as possible and donate them to local homeless charities. Residences and Catering encounter a wealth of student

left-behinds every year but a strict timetable of room lettings leaves little time to dispose of items in a resourceful fashion. Ben told gair rhydd: “Chucking out stuff actually costs Residences and Catering money, so by getting involved they’ll be helping needy people and saving money.” Next month sees a trial run of the recycling programme at Talybont and Cartwright Court. If successful it will expand University wide next year. The trial is running between Monday May 19 and Monday June 16. Re-use boxes will be available in the foyers of Talybont Houses 5, 6, 7 and 8, and Cartwright Court Blocks A, B and the Launderette. The goods that can be used by the charities include bedding, towels, clothes, curtains and throws, unopened tins, sachets and packets (no perishables),


Ben Coak, student organiser of the ROAR campaign

VAN NISTELROOY VS HENRY SPORT COMPARE THE PREMIERSHIP’S FINEST, PAGE 22 News p1–6 ● Opinion p07 Features p13 ● Sport p22 ● GRiP p13 ● TV listings, GRiP p17


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May 26 2003

Answer our recycling questionnaire and win a selection of quality environmentally-friendly cleaning products kindly donated by the nice people at Ecover, just like the ones in the background picture here! Cut out and drop your completed questionnaires into the box in the Union reception to enter the free prize draw.


Demographic Information-



Are you familiar with the following organisations? Cardiff Waste Forum Keep Wales Tidy Track 2000 Computers in the Community Are you familiar with the following campaigns? Cardiff Recycling Map Keep Cardiff Tidy Campaign Cardiff Council Green Bag Scheme

Please tick the relevant box Gender: Female Male Year of Study: Age: Nationality: Time in Cardiff: In which part of Cardiff do you live? Do you stay in Cardiff over the summer? No Yes


Local waste management information-

Waste Minimisation & Recycling-

Do you recycle? Yes No How often do you recycle? Every day 2-3 times per week Once a week Once a month Less than once a month Where do you recycle? In the university On street facilities Charity shops Community groups Civic amenity groups Supermarket Other


What are your reasons for not recycling? Of the following, what could you reuse / recycle? Newspaper Glass Aluminium Card Other metals Textiles Timber Organic waste Electronics Furniture

Already do

Would consider

Wouldn’t consider

Student recycling-

Do you think it is a good idea to coordinate the collection of items left behind at Halls of Residence so they can be reused by charity organisations? Yes No Would you find a “recycling information pack” useful if provided to students at enrolment? No Yes What information would you like included in this pack? Cardiff recycling map Details of green bag collection areas/dates Details of refuse collection dates Details of how to obtain a subsidised compost bin

Environmental Action-

Are you a member of any environmental organisation? Global National Regional Local Not involved Would you consider being involved in any of the following? Energy efficiency Water conservation Nature conservation Sustainable waste management

Student organises recycling

Union shoppers get ethical choice


Rhiannon Davies reports

kitchen items such as crockery, cutlery and kitchen utensils, and any unwanted electrical equipment or books. Ben urged as many students as possible to get involved. “It’ll promote the image of Cardiff’s student village while giving something back to the community. “It might even help with the annual SOUL campaign.” He wished to thank his volunteers, who are kindly donating their time during the exam period, and Residences and Catering for their support. Ben continued: “I’d also like to thank Cardiff Waste Forum who made the project possible by providing financial assistance and waste collection bins. “Tesco have also helped by donating a van and driver for the first week.” Ben said he had been surprised and pleased by how many students had been willing to help out, but stressed that all the help they could get was welcome as there is a limited amount of time to clear out the Halls and prove the initiative can work. Anyone wishing to help should contact Ben at

AS WELL as participating in the free green bag scheme, the Union Shop is also encouraging students to take a more ethical approach when shopping. The shop stocks a range of Fair Trade products, which are produced in an attempt to benefit the local producers of the items, and items on sale include coffee and chocolate. Alex Boakes, Shop Manager is keen to take a greener

approach and hopes to encourage students to be more aware of environmental issues. He said, “By stocking Fair Trade items we are trying to highlight to students that there are environmentally-friendly alternatives.” The Fair Trade products are just a start for the shop, which has been considering more green ideas. Alex Boakes said, “We are looking at the possibility of a couple more such schemes.

For example we are looking into stocking ecover products and starting a scheme where we give 1p back if customers reuse a plastic bag.” The shop was encouraged to stock more ethical products after being approached by Fair Trade suppliers and Cardiff University One World Society. Mr Boakes was optimistic about the recycling promotion and added, “There are encouraging signs at the moment but there is always room for improvement.”

Already am

Would consider

Wouldn’t consider

WHAT YOU CAN DO ...even if you can’t recycle!

All manufacturing processes consume energy and produce pollution. So if you can reduce waste in the first place, it’s even better than recycling. When buying things, apply the “overpackaging” test. There are few products that really need more than two layers of packaging Buy in bulk. Six separate cans of drink will produce far more waste than a single bottle Avoid disposable plastic in the kitchen. Use sandwich boxes, clingfilm or food bags Don’t buy food that is pre-packaged in plastic, especially fruit and vegetables Choose returnable containers wherever possible Choose natural packaging as opposed to plastic. Paper/card is better, as it is recyclable and biodegradable Reduce junk mail by contacting the Mailing Preference Service, Freepost, PO Box 22, London W1E 7EZ (tel. 020 7766 4410) to have your address registered as not wishing to receive unsolicited mail Take your own bags when going shopping Use rechargable batteries

Union Shop Manager Alex Boakes, with a selection of the ethical products


May 26 2003

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What a load of rubbish

Working out where you can leave out your recycling green bags can be confusing. In a hapless attempt to explain in diagram form, Tristan Thomas explains where you are covered, and where you’ll just be ignored Gabalfa Interchange

Cathays and Gabalfa Collection alternate Thursdays

If you’re in the area covered by this map you’re in a ‘Green Bag Street’

Wherever you live, Cardiff County Council provides you with a recycling service. Either through a door-to-door green bag scheme or through recycling skips. If you are in the area highlighted in either of the two maps below, it means that the council will probably pick up recycling bags from outside your house.

You can buy bags from any of the following retailers.

Whitchurch Road

Cathays Terrace


Crwys Road

Maindy Pool

Did you know?

Help Centre, Marland House, Central Square, Cathays S&M Mini Market, 9 Brithdir Street, Cathays Reception, West Entrance, City Hall, Cathays Park M&S Spar, 110 Crwys Road, Cathays Spar, 136-138 Whitchurch Road, Gabalfa Whitchurch Road Post Office, 100-102 Whitchurch Road, Gabalfa R&J Edwards Newsagents, 114 Caerphilly Road, Heath


At current growth levels there will be twice as much household waste by 2005 20% of the average council tax bill is being spent on waste management/disposal The UK recycles only about 8% of its household waste compared to the Netherlands’ 45%

North Road

Oxford Lane Partridge Road Pearson Street Penlline Street Penylan Road Pentyrch St Penywain Place Penywain Road Plasnewydd Place Plasnewydd Road Princes Avenue Roath Courtplace Roath Court Road Rose Street Rhigos Gardens Russell Street Shelley Walk Shirley Road Snipe Street Southey Street St Peters Street Straithnairn Street Talworth Street Tavistock Street Teal Street Timbers Square Treharris Street Tulloch Street Tydfil Place Tewkesbury St Tyn Y Coed Place Treherbert St Treorchy St

Recycling makes sense. With a little thought and effort each of us can reduce the amount of waste we send to landfill. Separate your rubbish – put all recyclables into your green bag. These include: Paper – newspapers, magazines, brochures, directories, junk mail Metal – rinsed food cans, drink cans Plastic – plastic bottles (milk, water, beer etc.), detergent bottles (washing up liquid, shampoo etc.), clean plastic bags Glass – bottles, jars (any colour)

Check out the Cardiff recycling map for recycling other household items Take old clothes, books and bric-abrac to your local charity shop Recycle bulky household goods through Track 2000 Complete the cycle: buy recycled

Is your street covered? Darran St Dylan Place Elm Street Elm Street Lane Essich Street Fairoak Road Glenroy Street Gelligaer St Gelligaer Gardens Grouse Street Hardy Place Hirwain St Hendy Street Inverness Place Kelvin Road Keppoch Street Kincraig Street Lily Street Lochaber Street Lowther Road Llantrisant St Lisvane St Montgomery Street Monthermer Road Morlais Street Moy Road Malefant St Mackintosh Place Maindy St Minister St Newport Road Ninian Road Oakfield Street

Tips for recycling

Put all compostable materials into your compost bin. These include: Kitchen waste – fruit, salad, vegetable peelings, teabags, coffee grounds, egg shells etc. Garden waste – leaves, twigs, hedge clippings, cut flowers, small branches, lawn mowings, plants, soil etc. Other waste – feathers, pet straw, sawdust, wood shavings

Britain is the worst recycling nation in Europe.

Albany Road Alfred Street Arabella Street Arran Place Arran Street Angus Street Bangor Lane Bangor Street Bedford Place Bedford Street Boverton Street Brithdir St Braeval Street Byron Street City Road Clive Place Claude Rd Cottrell Road Cosmeston St Colum Rd Connaught Rd Cowper Place Crofts Street Crwys Place Crwys Road Cathays Terrace Cyfartha Street Cwmdare St Dalcross Street Daviot Street Dogfield St Diana Street Donald Street

Allensbank Stores, 257 Allensbank Road, Heath MJ Thane, 304 Caerphilly Road, Heath Chemist, 35 St Isan Street, Heath Birchgrove Post Office, 83 Caerphilly Road, Heath CJ Buttwell Newsagent, 112 City Road, Plasnewydd AJ&B Dudden Newsagent, 80 Albany Road, Plasnewydd Roath Convenience Store, 68 Moy Road, Plasnewydd Malik Stores, 95 Pen Y Wain Road, Plasnewydd Cyfarthfa Stores, 124 Cyfarthfa Street, Plasnewydd

Upper Kincraig Street Violet Row Wellfield Place Wellfield Road Werfa Street Woodcock Street Woodland Place Wordsworth Avenue For Those Not Living On A Green Bag Street, Cardiff County Council Provide Recycling Skips In Tesco’s CarPark On Western Avenue, Wedal Road And Lamby Way Civic Amenity Sites For The Following Items:

For specific information on your street call 02920 872087 or visit

Cartwright Court

Albany Road

Monthermer Road

Crwys Road The George

Cathays and Roath Collection alternate Fridays

If you’re in the area covered by this map you’re in a ‘Green Bag Street’

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News Cardiff student media’s finest recognised at annual awards

May 26 2003

IN BRIEF Halls cock up THE STUDENT Advice Centre is appealing to halls residents who have been asked to move out before exams to get in touch. Equal Opps and Welfare Officer Emma Bebington said: “There seems to be a great deal of people who are being inconvienced during their exams and are having to move – some even twice. “I would encourage them to let me know, even if they just email me at”

Money refund THE INLAND Revenue will be visiting the Students’ Union on June 4 and 5 to help students sort out their tax problems. Anyone with any tax queries can visit the stand for expert advice and forms.

US Visas INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS applying for US visas should visit the Students’ Union. Denise on the fourth floor will try to tackle the problems occurring as a large number are being refused.

Charlotte Spratt reports BACK-SLAPPING and drunken revelry once again characterised the annual student media awards in Cardiff. Whether any of the gair rhydd crew were compos mentis enough to accurately comment on the evening’s events is more than dubious but nevertheless, we believe that a good night was had by all. Hosted by Red Dragon’s Claire Lloyd and Darren Daly, members of gair rhydd, Xpress Radio and the Film Society were congratulated for the achievements of the past year. The categories were judged by bigwigs from the media world, from papers such as Observer Sport Monthly, the Guardian and Empire and Heat magazines, radio stations including Red Dragon and Radio 2 and

F ilm Society Best Film Review Peter Roberts - The Magdalene Sisters Best Short Film Amy MacKelden - He Sees Different Best Screenplay Robbie Lane - Split Ends President’s Award for Dedication Paul Welch Angharad Jones of S4C. The ceremony, held after a three-course meal at the Angel Hotel, was full of the usual affectionate heckling, traditional jibes between societies (“One month a year, Xpress”) and drunken thankyous. No Gwyneth-esque tears here, more like stumbling up and down the platform steps to thank our mums and pet dogs. Or in Sport Editor Riath Al-Samarrai’s case, misquoting The Office (“There’s been a

Stressed? THIS TIME of year is stressful, not only with exams, but also worry for the future. Nightline understands, so if you are in need of a friendly ear the phoneline is open until June 13. The confidential listening and referral service is open 8pm-8am in term on lo-call number 029 2022 3993.

Steeling ideas Steel Press, Sheffield University’s newspaper, has uncontroversially been awarded the title of worstever student rag in the face of stiff competition. We are particularly happy to offer our congratulations as the fools have nothing better to do than slag off superior papers like gair rhydd.

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN EDITORIAL 02920 781434 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

No, it’s not a Labour MP, it’s News Ed Mark Cobley

rape up here”) and singing Des’ree (“Money don’t make the world go round”). It was just that kind of night. Steve Hurst, TV editor, commented: “I was so pleased Cobley won [best interviewer], especially when he dedicated his award to me. But I was gutted I was too pissed to hear it. And that I passed out on the way home.” Claire Wills, co-winner of Best Mainstream Show, said: “The bits I can remember were great! I remember about three things!” All the judges were impressed by the standard of entries this year. Nick Machin, News Editor for the South Film President Jen, Xpress Manager Hiten and gair rhydd Ed. Gem Wales Echo said: “The overall rhydd rocks!” And, of course, standard of entries was again the other societies too. Xpress Radio gair rhydd editor Gemma very high and showed a good Best Mainstream Show understanding of a wide Curtis summed up the Claire and Jess evening: “It was a really good range of subjects.” Best Feature As GRiP editor Alex night and a great opportunity Andrew Lindsay - Why the Macpherson, later added: for everyone to get together World's not Working Part 2 “Proof once more that gair and be sociable without the Best Specialist Show pressures of doing the paper. Priority “It was emotional for Best Presenter gair r hydd everyone who has been so Manners involved with the three Best Newcomer Best Designer Justin Jeffries societies and a great chance Tristan Thomas Best Media Innovation to thank them properly.” Best Photographer Events Team Rob Jackson Whether the emotion came Best News Coverage Best News Reporter out of a bottle or from the Mariclare Carey-Jones Dominic O’Neill heart, we may never know Station Manager's Award Best Critic but, as you may by now have For Dedication Alex ‘bighead’ Macpherson realised, we were all merry Isobel Taylor, Elizabeth Best Sports Reporter enough to go on to Barfly and Newton Riath Al-Samarrai attempt to find various parties Best Features Writer happening around Cardiff to winners and society members. Charlotte Spratt No doubt we’ll be seeing continue our selfBest Interviewer Mark Cobley some of the winners names in congratulations. Lifetime Achievement Whether passed out on the the national press, radio and Rob Jackson, Charlotte road, in our own beds or film studios in the not too Spratt someone else’s, the night was distant future. If they manage a big success for all the to remain sober.

Stoning case Train cuts could mean takes new turn inconvenience for travel John Collingridge reports RECENT DEVELOPMENTS have ignited a furious row in the case of Amina Lawal, the Nigerian women condemned to be stoned to death. Previously, gair rhydd reported that her sentence is to be carried out on Monday June 3. The source of this information, an email beginning “Dear friends, I have just learned that the Nigerian supreme court…” has since been revealed to be untrue. The appeal directed people to sign an online petition on a Spanish website. An Amnesty International spokesman said: “The Spanish website is genuine as is Amnesty. If anybody goes onto the petition they are signing the same general petition that is on Amnesty’s International and Amnesty’s UK website. “However, it is the email campaign that is wrong and misinterprets what is said.

“Unfortunately the information in the body of this email is inaccurate.” Amina’s appeals are far from exhausted, and it is instead a tribunal which takes place on June 3. “This is not an issue that we’re currently seeking publicity for as our first priority is to get a positive result at the appeal hearing. “Amnesty International is endeavouring to let people know that the email campaign contained a mistake. “If anyone does receive the erroneous email we would encourage them to contact us so that we can set the record straight.” Currently Amina Lawal is not in detention and has legal representation, including prominent women lawyers and senior Nigerian advocates. She is being supported by a coalition of Nigerian women’s groups and human rights groups.

Tristan Thomas reports

CARDIFF STUDENTS who travel to London have been shocked by the threat of fresh cuts to rail services. The Strategic Rail Authority revealed on Monday that it was considering removing the route from Cardiff to Waterloo. The authority has already ruled that Wales and Borders Trains will transfer the service to South West Trains next summer. But in a new development Margaret Lanyon of the SRA admitted that the trains may go no further than Bristol. Already this year Wales has seen routes to York and Fishguard and CrossCountry services scrapped. Guy Hardy of the Rail Passengers’ Committee was passionate in his condemnation of the SRA. “Now, apparently, without

any consultation somebody in London has been drawing pencil lines on the map. “Why is this, when senior management at Wales and Borders are saying the service covers costs? It’s a disgrace that this service is coming off.” Originally established ten years ago to provide an easy link to the Channel Tunnel, the service has proven

popular with people in Wales. The service is popular with students because it is cheaper than other routes to London. Commuter Karen Richards was appaled at the decision. “The loss of a valuable service to connect us with the heart of British commerce is real blow to Wales. “It means that we could get even more isolated.”

Train services to and from Wales could be cut


May 26 2003

Page 5


Politics department in row over accusations of bullying John Collingridge reports

MORE BURGLARIES THERE HAS been an increase in burglaries in the student village in the past fortnight. In the last two weeks, houses in Treharris Street, Colum Road, Tewkesbury Street, Miskin Street, Dogfield Street and Senghennydd Road have all been broken into. Three houses left the front door unlocked, whilst two others were entered via an open bedroom window above the kitchen. There have also been three occasions where property has been stolen from the ground floor window sills at Talybont halls of residence. Cardiff University’s Community Liaison Officer, PC Bob Keohane reminded students this week that all doors should be locked and windows closed when houses are left empty. Property should not be left in view on windowsills and a light should be left on in empty rooms.

SEX ATTACKS UPDATE THERE HAVE been no new reports of any attacks this week. This comes following last issues warning of a number of attacks on lone females walking in the university area. However students should remain extra vigilant when walking home and if possible should try and walk in groups. It is advised that students carry a personal attack alarm with them when walking alone. Anything suspicious should be reported to local police.

PHONE CRIME MOBILE PHONES are still being stolen from pubs and clubs in the city centre. Cardiff University’s Community Liaison Officer, PC Bob Keohane issued a repeated warning to students this week in a bid to reduce phone crime in the city centre. Again, it is the more popular nightclubs and bars that have see the most thefts and students should make sure that they keep all belongings, especially mobile phones, with them. If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444. PC Bob’s website is at

TWO CARDIFF lecturers have alleged that harassment and bullying of junior members of staff is endemic in the Politics Department. Two junior lecturers allege that senior members of staff, who cannot be named on legal advice, have created an atmosphere of intimidation in the department. The University however is completely and unequivocably rejecting all such allegations and state they have not had such evidence presented to them. The lecturers claim that departmental staff have made comments such as: “There are a lot of people here who have very odd lifestyles, children are not a big part of it at all. “Having children is not seen as something we should give in to, you should put your career above that type of thing. “We don’t really have any women here who are properly integrated… but it’s just lack of management.” The junior lecturers in question have construed this as sexism and intimidation. However, the University disputes this, pointing out the ambiguity of the alleged

conversation: “The phrases could easily be quoted out of context or have been made by people who have no knowledge of the matter.” Following a full investigation into these matters, the department pledged to improve the situation by producing a Diversity Training Video. A University spokesman said: “It was agreed that steps should be taken to raise awareness of the very high standards of personal behaviour, based on courtesy and respect, which the University requires of all staff. “The person making the allegation accepted this outcome to the investigation.” Following the lodging of complaints, one of the lecturers has been off work with stress related problems. His doctor recently confirmed that he is fit and able to resume work. The Politics Department however stated that his post has since been filled. He is now considering pursuing a legal approach. The University explained: “Since the conclusion of the investigation into his allegations, the lecturer, who was employed in a supplementary position on a casual basis, has unfortunately

The Politics Department has been criticised been unable to fulfil his role, which necessitated the School making alternative arrangements.” The other lecturer at the centre of the row was admitted to hospital early last year. Five months pregnant, she suffered premature contractions. Doctors have cited extreme stress as a possible cause. It follows what she claims was harassment by senior staff in

her department. After her pregnancy and during her maternity leave, she alleges that she received numerous phone calls from a senior member of staff inquiring as to when she would return, and believes they were asking her to cut short her time off work. The University also denies this and said: “The Head of School has not been in touch

with any female member of staff to discuss maternity leave and categorically denies that the School would fail to offer support during illness.” This member of staff is set to return to work shortly. She does not expect her contract to be renewed due to budgetary reasons. The modules she teaches will continue to be offered. Both lecturers wish to make it clear that most staff in the department are not culpable. One of them said: “I have worked with some lovely people in the Department. “I want to make it clear that this is not a personal vendetta.” In a reply to the allegations the University said: “If the University was made aware of collective, rather than individual, staff concerns over department-wide issues which allegedly breached University standards, it would of course investigate it as such. “Certain allegations have already been investigated fully by the Personnel department. Other members of staff indicated they did not recognise the School the lecturer described. “The University stands by its whistle-blowing policy which has never been ‘overruled’.”

Astronomical discovery Stereophonics for Cardiff professors in mystery gig Anna MacTaggart reports

Anna MacTaggart reports defended the Union, saying

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY astronomers are racing against time as they try to map apparently new galaxies. Professor Mike Disney and his team, in conjunction with Australian colleagues, are using two giant radio telescopes to survey cosmic hydrogen, the gas which emerged from the Big Bang to create all the stars and galaxies in existence today. The radio telescopes, based in Jodrell Bank in Cheshire and Parkes in New South Wales, Australia, are being used because the relative brightness of the night sky makes certain dim parts of the universe, invisible to normal optical telescopes. This is the first survey of its kind and has produced some surprising results for the astronmers, including the discovery of ostensibly newly-formed galaxies. “We’re finding babies in their nappies,” said Professor Disney, who was one of the designers of the Hubble Space Telescope. “Most galaxies are very old and these are the first infantile galaxies ever found.”

STUDENTS ARE up in arms over the Stereophonics gig due to be played in the Great Hall next month. Tickets for the gig never went on sale in the Student Union itself, but on the band’s official website, where they sold out within an hour. “It’s just not fair,” said second year History student Tom Gogan. “There was no advertising for it around the Union at all. “What it basically means is that the band are using the Union, but no students will be there.” Assistant Entertainments officer, Ben Eagle, has

Professor Disney - explaining the galactic discovery However, the astronomers suspect that what they are seeing, rather than newly born, may instead simply not yet be fully developed. “They are retarded galaxies in that they should have grown up but they haven’t,” said Professor Disney. The programme, funded by the British and Australian governments, has cost approximately $30m and has given graduate members of the team the opportunity to travel the world. Researchers have been using telescopes in New Mexico, Puerto Rico, Hawaii, South Africa, Chile, Australia and the Canary Islands,

that the band approached them to hire out the premises. He said: “Everyone had an equal chance to get their hands on a ticket as they were released onto the Stereophonics website at the same time. “It’s a special gig where the band are giving something back to their fans. If the tickets just went to students then that wouldn’t be fair.” However students who are keen to go to the concert still stand a chance of getting a ticket. Red Dragon FM are giving away 150 pairs of tickets to the gig, as well as a further ten pairs via a competition on their website.

before turning the Hubble Space Telescope on the young galaxies. However domestic radio interference caused by devices such as mobile phones and web-cams is closing the gap through which astronomers can observe the universe. “We are racing against time, against man-made radio interference which will soon blind us to much of the cosmos for ever,” said Professor Disney. “We have to be able to argue that there should be a small part of the radio spectrum protected for astronomy.” Stereophonics soon to be appearing in our Union


Page 6

March 26 2003

Question Time for parties’ fees policy

Public duped by media over MMR say Cardiff profs

Peter Bramwell reports

Serenity Gew reports

BBC QUESTION Time came to Cardiff last week, and the subject of Student tuition fees was at the forefront of the debate. The Conservatives’ recently announced higher education funding plans proved highly controversial, with an eyegrabbing pledge to scrap Labour’s tuition fees being the centrepiece of the new Tory policy. However, with the probable result being a reduction in student numbers as well as less popular courses, some in the audience - including a number of students - voiced their concerns at the plans. Others, however, welcomed the Tories’ promise to abolish fees. Many in the audience were convinced that the right to go to University should remain free. To do this, the Conservatives admitted they would have to abolish the Government’s target of 50 per cent of young people going to University. Nigel Evans, Conservative MP and shadow Welsh Secretary said: “Isn’t it far better if we want to see an investment in our youngsters, we do away with the tax on learning, and we scrap tuition fees?” In reply, Labour MP Douglas Alexander accused the Conservatives of turning their backs on the higher education system in favour of an opportunistic policy that would appeal to the middle class vote. “80 per cent of middle class

NEW CARDIFF University research has revealed that the public are being misled by the current debate over the Measles, Mumps and Rubella vaccine. The Cardiff team found that 53 per cent of people wrongly believed that the scientific evidence was evenly split for and against the vaccine’s use. Only 23 per cent of the public were aware that the bulk of evidence points to the MMR vaccine’s safety. The survey, conducted by Professor Ian Hargreaves, Professor Justin Lewis and Tammy Spears of the University’s Journalism School, will reignite a heated debate about the way journalists report controversial scientific research. The concerns over the safety of MMR began after the publishing of Dr. Andrew Wakefield’s now infamous research suggesting a link between the vaccine and the development of autism. Newspapers themselves

BBC Question Time comes to Cardiff families send their children to University whereas this figure is only 20 per cent in poorer income households,” Mr. Alexander said. “That’s wrong. We should not be slamming the door of opportunity to working class kids. “The Conservatives’ plans will mean 150,000 less students and 6,000 less lecturers.” Plaid Cymru MP Adam Price supported the view that an educated society will be to everyone’s advantage. “We all benefit as a society with more people at University. We would have more Doctors, more professionals and so on.”

Nigel Evans answered by claiming that a number of institutions and courses are draining money which could otherwise be used better to fund top Universities. “What we want is to ensure is that a whole wave of youngsters should be able to follow vocational courses rather than drop out of University.” Cabinet minister Mr Alexander refuted this. “The level of dropout is the same as it was in 1992. The rest of the developed world is increasing the numbers of young people attending University, but they want to reduce them.

gair rhydd ...World Roundup... BUDDHISTS TRULY HAPPY UNITED STATES: Scientists say they have evidence to show that Buddhists really are happier and calmer than other people. Researchers at the University of California San Francisco Medical Centre have found that experienced Buddhists, who meditate regularly, were less likely to be shocked, flustered, surprised or as angry as other people. In a separate study, scientists at the University of Wisconsin used new scanning techniques to examine brain activity in a group of buddhists. Their tests revealed activity

in the left prefrontal lobes of experienced Buddhist practitioners. This area is linked to positive emotions, selfcontrol and temperament. These results suggest to scientists that Buddhists are more likely to experience positive emotions and be in a good mood.

A happy man - fact

GHOSTS ALL IN THE MIND: OFFICIAL UK: Ghosts are the mind’s way of interpreting how the body reacts to certain surroundings, say UK psychologists. The explanation of ghosts is the result of a large study in which researchers led hundreds of volunteers around two of the UK’s supposedly most haunted locations Hampton Court Palace, England, and the South Bridge Vaults in Edinburgh, Scotland. The participants had to record any unusual experiences, such as hearing footsteps, feeling cold or a presence in the room, as well as marking the location and intensity of the experience on

have vigorously defended the amount of coverage given to Dr. Andrew Wakefield’s concerns, yet the public do not seem to agree. 48 per cent of those surveyed believed that in matters of public health, journalists should wait until other studies confirm findings before reporting alarming research, with 34 per cent disagreeing. Professor Justin Lewis said: “This survey confirms that the news media play a key role in informing the way people understand issues such as the controversy around MMR. “While Wakefield’s claims are of legitimate public interest, our report shows that research questioning the safety of something that is widely used should be approached with caution both by scientists and journalists. “This is especially the case where any decline in confidence can have serious consequences for public health.”

“We also plan to reintroduce modern apprenticeships to make sure that the vocational route is also a route to success and opportunity. “However, to say that qualified A level students should be denied access to University in favour of sending them into apprenticeships is ludicrous.” Olympic swimmer Sharon Davies MBE also responded to Nigel Evans’ claims that courses such as media studies were a waste of time. “You cannot scrap top up fees at the cost of courses and less students at University. You’ve got to give people choices.” The MMR vaccine is generally regarded as safe

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at the places and people making the headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World a floor plan. The researchers, from the University of Hertfordshire, interpret the results as evidence that hauntings are a real phenomenon because they are concentrated in specific places over time, whilst ‘ghosts’ themselves do not exist and are ‘in the mind’.

Ghosts - evidence that they may be all in the mind

SUPERMODEL POSTERS A BIG HIT GERMANY: An advertising agency is handing out free posters of supermodel Heidi Klum to prevent her German fans tearing them from billboards. The posters, advertising H&M swimwear, have proved so popular in Germany that more than half of them have been stolen. Damage running into thousands of euros has also been caused by fans breaking hoardings to get at the posters. A spokesman for the advertising company, JC Decaux said: “We put up 750 small posters that were all gone or vandalised within a

few hours - it’s madness.” The advertising campaign is reported to be one of the most successful in German history. However, it has also been condemned by some Germans as sexist.

The popular shot

May 26 2003

Editorial & Opinion The sorry state of our schools

Page 7

gair rhydd EDITORIAL

LaDonna Hall writes


ast Wednesday saw the shocking admission from a Croydon school that they were sending home 720 pupils because of lack of funds to pay supply teachers. While the kids themselves were no doubt skipping homeward with joy, the hearts of many a teacher must have been sinking as their worst


pinions are like arseholes; everyone’s got one. Apart from gair rhydd, of course, which appears to have several – many of which don’t necessarily find universal favour with you, our beloved readership. From the war in Iraq to the appropriateness of our humour, it’s encouraging to see that what we print provokes reaction. It’s important to remember, though, that the views expressed throughout the paper, from the features pages to this editorial page, are wholly and solely those of the individual authors, and are not intended to reflect either gair rhydd as a publication, the Union as a body, or the opinions of the student body at large. Indeed, unlike the vast majority of national publications, gair rhydd actually benefits from its lack of ties to a specific ownership body; within reasonable parameters, we can express the genuine opinions of our writers without having to toe corporate lines. Indeed, an SUC motion was passed last week which will transfer the name under which gair rhydd is published from the Union President to the GR editor, thus ensuring a further degree of autonomy and independence. At a time when the issue of media ownership is more important than ever, with overtly politicised reportage in the guise of unbiased news in full flow and the threat of media monopolisation by Rupert Murdoch looming large on the horizon, it’s important that student journalists retain the freedom to express their own opinions. We also do our best to uphold the standards of unbiased news reporting in these pages. Sometimes – just occasionally! – gair rhydd covers potentially controversial topics (mostly, it has to be said, to do with various housing agencies), and we always do our utmost to ensure that all parties concerned are given the chance to have their side of the story represented.

fears were being realised. Where is all the money Education Secretary Charles Clarke is supposedly pouring into the British education system going? Certainly not to the people who deserve it most. It all adds up to an appalling lack of continuity for children who, more than anything, need stability in their schooling. This crisis only confirms the fact that schools in Britain have to be run like businesses. They are falling victim to the same problems that face struggling companies. The difference is that when cuts

are made to staff funding, it is the next generation that suffers. Not only that, it is clear that with each setback, the likelihood of attracting good teachers to the profession becomes progressively remote. It seems that although £2.7bn more has been sunk into Local Education Authorities, the real issue now is how that has been spent. Is it reaching the schools that need it most or is there very real evidence of severe mis-management of money? It is becoming increasingly hard to see a way out of the

stalemate currently facing schools all over the country, especially those from deprived areas. When reliance on supply teachers is so widespread, the warning signs are dangerous to ignore. While it is no longer realistic to expect teachers to stay at one school when their wages are undeniably pitiful, the opportunities for supply teachers now appear to be rapidly diminishing as well. If money is being lost along the way from Whitehall via the local councils who decide how much each school gets, then surely it seems

sensible to cut out the middleman. The very valid row over ‘missing millions’ will continue as long as LEAs control spending on schools. Just as businesses have to make drastic cuts in order to survive, the education system may have to follow suit. While university students may have left their school days far behind, no doubt many graduates will pursue a teaching career at some point in their lives. Surely those that do deserve better prospects than the shambles confronting them at the moment.

Iraq and roll damnation Charlotte Spratt writes


f the ‘Shock and Awe’ campaign wasn’t enough to break the will of Saddam’s sympathisers, perhaps the shocking strains of Metallica will. US interrogators are subjecting Iraqi prisoners to long sessions of heavy metal music and, bizarrely enough, cartoon theme tunes, to break their will and encourage them to talk. Listening to Barney the Dinosaur’s “I Love You” song for 45 minutes must be torture enough for any self-respecting music fan but for the Iraqi’s, it is also culturally offensive. Sergeant Marc Hudsell, of the US Psychological Operations Company, told journalists this week the POW’s “can’t take it.” They have

never heard this kind of music before, so loud aggressive music is turned into psychological attack. It appears to be an effective one as well: just 24 hours are enough to make the Iraqis speak. Many Westerner’s could sympathise. Songs like Metallica’s Enter Sandman and the Drowning Pool song Bodies are not to everyone’s taste and five minutes subjection would make me willing to slit my wrists and sell my grandmother. The happy-clappy sound of How to Get to Sesame Street is probably to more people’s taste. But as much of a joke as it sounds, being subjected to the same song continuously, whether the dubious purple dinosaur or the ‘harmonious’ sound of what I would consider pure torture, Country and Western, weakens both the body and brain. Hudsell claims: “The soberness of mind and the will are sure to be crushed.”

“Your train of thought slows down and your will is broken. That’s when we come in and talk to them,” he boasted. This use of audio techniques to gather information may be more Monty Python than the real Spanish Inquisition, but then nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition in this day and age at least. It’s a new approach to interrogation as the army searches for non-lethal, nonharmful techniques as they seek to eliminate the fingernail-removing and other methods of the Iraqi secret police. Like sleep deprivation, it leaves no long-lasting effects but will eventually break down the individual’s will to resist questioning. But although (in all seriousness) this sounds like a humane technique, Amnesty International are concerned that this constitutes torture as reports trickle in of captives being kept awake for up to four days. Whilst few students will

have sympathy for leaders of a brutal regime being kept awake by loud music for this long (it sounds like Talybont to me), the continual repetition of any loud music crosses the line of discomfort and torture. So whilst jokes may abound of the different types of music constituting torture (David

Sneddon perhaps? Simply Red anyone? Cheeky Girls?) or other ‘harmless’ methods of extracting information (such as listening to George Bush’s speeches for prolonged periods of time), extensive use could actually have a permanent scaring effect on the captive. I know it has on me.

America’s secret weapon

NUS and a life of debt Andrew Caldicott writes


omething hit me today as I walked into the Taf for a pint after a long day of invigilating undergrad’s exams. A young man approached me with a Barclaycard T-shirt asking if I’d like a credit card. I wouldn’t have to pay the annual fee, and I’d get a free pen or something equally twee. It wasn’t pointed out to me that the APR stood at something outrageous like 24.5%. Now, I’m a post-grad and have had several years out in the “big wide world” so I happily declined his offer. But on my first escapade

here back in the mid-90’s, I had barely turned 18 and signed up to every bit of credit I could lay my hands on. I was young, irresponsible and frankly, stupid. Six years later, I declared myself bankrupt because of the ludicrous amount of debt I was in. So, what has this tale got to do with NUS? Well, they are having a go (and quite rightly so, albeit far too quietly) at the Government for introducing tuition fees and the introduction of crippling student loans. This is the left-wing Union that sells Fair-Trade stuff in the shop, campaigns on Third

World Debt and so on. But at the same time, they are in cahoots with the most capitalistic scum of all - credit companies and banks. These companies are actively involved in the exploitation of those they really should not be exploiting; that is to say the naive, young freshers who have just left home, and who are no longer under the protective wings of their parents. Being 18 does not in itself an adult make. Being 18 is just a number; you don’t wake up on your 18th birthday full of the wisdom of your elders. So could someone tell me why the NUS doesn’t take

steps to protect its members? I mean, they might as well bring out their own credit card and pocket the profit for the benefit of the Student. But it doesn’t end there. The same companies are as I write planning to exploit the developing world. Not the governments this time - they’ve already done that. No, this time they’re targeting ordinary individuals like you and me. It is an absolute disgrace. Yet our NUS condones it. It doesn’t end there either. This is just one example of their flagrant hypocrisy. Other examples include permitting the far-left group called the

Got an opinion on our opinions? E-mail us at with a 300-word piece

Socialist Worker Party (with their links to the violent AntiNazi League who recently featured in the news for violence towards democratically elected BNP councillors) to peddle communist propaganda at the doors to the Union, yet forbid the far-right BNP. That, I believe, is Fascism. So, what can be done? I urge you to write to the President of the NUS at Cardiff, and let him know how disgusted you are that they allow credit companies to prey on these young folk, sentencing them to a life of debt before they’ve started living.

08 • Five Minute Fun

O d d s and sods What the hell happened to you? Totally self-indulgently, this week we ruin two lovely lovely men



Cour t Repor ting...

gair rhydd 26 05 03


Donkey’s kill more people annually than plane crashes No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot Turtles breathe through their bums

Actually said in court (allegedly) Q.Are you sexually active A. No, I just lie there Q.Were you present when your picture was taken? Q. All your responses must be oral, Ok? What school did you go to? A. Oral

University Rules

It might be virtually the end of the year, or even your degree. But we really should have been told all this before we came to university It doesn’t matter how late your first lecture is, you’ll still sleep through it Every clock on campus shows a different time You WILL go to a party the night before exam or essay due-date That friendship is more than getting drunk, but that’s still funny That Psychology is really Biology, Biology is really Chemistry, Chemistry is really Physics and Physics is really Maths. That most of your education would be obtained outside lectures Invisible device ensuring your safe arrival home after No matter how ‘cool’ you were at school, no one cares here a booze cruise, even though you’re too pissed to remember That Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination where you live, how you get there or where you’ve come from You can know everything and still fail a test surfing the internet for left-handed You can know nothing and ace a test websites You can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways The contents of a wonderbra - i.e. extremely impressive on the outside, but inside there’s bugger all worth seeing

New Dictionar y Beer Compass –

Flogging on – Millennium Domes – Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all the time and have the time of your life Michelle Mastrolacasa What the hell happened to you? A: James Beattie B: Freddie Ljungberg A bit of a quiz: 1. Prunella Scales 2. About a Boy 3. Backstreet Boys 4. Gwyneth Paltrow 5. Mrs Trunchbull. Classic

Clues across:

1 Clashing musical instrument (6) 4 Type of printing (6) 9 Meeting, after separation (7) 10 Sordid gain (7) 11 Dance involving a line of people (5) 12 Component part of anything (7) 13 ___ d’art, item of artistic value (5) 15 Snake also known as the viper (5) 20 North American grassland (7) 22 Increase in volume (5) 24 One of a wandering pastoral tribe (5) 25 Art of speaking (7) 26 In no particular order (6) 27 Sum still outstanding (6)

Salad Dodger – an overweight person X-Piles – unwanted visitors from Uranus T h i s w e e k . . . w e h av e m o s t l y b e e n w o n d e r i n g : where this year’s gone...what happened to summer weather...why there is a bad chip in every plate of fries...why the smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it will kill you..what happened to 10p crisps...who remembers Sharky and George...why we wore cycling shorts or leggings with long t-shirts...if Smash Hits still has song lyrics and free stickers...if it’s ok to eat green crisps...

A bit of a quiz* *Don’t write in kids, it’s just for fun!

1 Which Tesco’s star also played Sybil Fawlty? High Fidelity, Fever Pitch, 31 Songs, How to be Good – 2 name Nick Hornby’s other book. 3 Howie, Kevin, Brian, Nicky and AJ form which boyband? 4 Coldplay’s Chris Martin is dating which Actress? is the name of the headmistress in Roald Dahl’s 5 What Matilda?


From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine

Clues down: 2 3 3 5 6 7 8 14 16 17 18 19 21 23

Job of vicar’s assistant (6) Grieve (5) Bring to life (7) Sham (5) Exude (7) Number of shillings in a pound (6) Reference list in a book (5) Person operating a ferry, eg (7) Hopelessness (7) Bottle-cap remover (5) Pale-yellow oval fruit with acid juice (5) Person interpreting a role on stage (6) Broadcasting medium (5) Draw out or bring forth (5)

Last for tnight’s answers:

Across: 1, Candlelight 9, Steam 10, Typhoon 11, Epigram 12, Amber 13, Cruel 15, Choux 20, Droop 22, Archway 24, Getaway 25, Terra 26, Enfranchise Down: 2, Atelier 3, Demur 4, Entomb 5, Impeach 6, Hbomb 7, Osier 8, Snore 14, Empower 16, Upwards 17, Adage 18, Banyan 19, Myway 21, Often 23, Catch

WIN! Open ‘til 11, seven days a week. Coffee bar with BYO license! Own roasted coffee. Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300

Exams going OK? Well by the time you read this your trusty crossword compiler will be free from those weighty chains and wallowing in the paddling-pool of freedom. Phew. Complete the crossword, fill in the form and bring it to us on the fourth floor of the union, best tie-breaker wins. Last edition’s winner was Hugo Cox, come up and collect your prize voucher. Coolio.

NAME:_________________________ WHY DOES IT NEVER RAIN BUT IT POURS? _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________ _______________________________

gair rhydd 26 05 03

Letters • 09

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight’s star letter wins a pubic wig, complete with applicator (i.e. me) Dear gair rhydd, To my housemate, You are the rudest person I have ever lived with and you made me afraid of you. You are ignorant, aggressive, and I bet you can only get satisfaction from being a bully. I never regret not being your mate at all, as a matter of fact please don't call me “mate” ‘cos you make me feel physically sick when you pretend to be friendly. Do you know what? You not only embarrassed yourself, but your Mum and Dad as well because they wasted so much money on your education and guess what? You don't even know any form of basic matters. You strike me as a bully. Do you really want to know what a bully is and how they behave? They are aggressive both verbally and physically; everything that comes out of their mouth is rude and they try their best to make the person that they bully feel miserable. They have no manners whatsoever and to maintain a bully image, they are usually err... not slim or sometimes YOU’RE BIG so you make people scared of you. But do you know what? Deep inside I feel SORRY FOR YOU because you will never have any real friends ‘cos the only reason people are friends with you is ‘coz they don't want to be your next victim. You will never enjoy your life because you’ve got so much anger inside you. Let's face it, I’ve never been rude to you because I never knew you that well, but I try my best to be polite and generally nice to everyone I live with... well, at least I never swore to any of my housemates like you did. You are jealous because I can stand up for my friends and you've got no one to stand up for you. In case you don't know what friends are for... they stick up for each other.

Your Very Unhappy Housemate PS- Can you act your age please? I mean, you are at least a decade older than me and you behave like a flipping teenager! Get over it loser! PPS- I am so happy that I won’t be living with you next year. Yes! Please remember, the reason I know you are a bully is because I have been bullied by similar people to you a few years ago, and now I am standing up for myself. Lettersdesk says: Well done for standing up for yourself, I’m sure you’ll agree it’s pretty amazing that such immature bullying behaviour exists beyond the realms of snotty nosed school kids, but the sad truth is that these pathetic individuals do still crop up in all walks of life. Often they can be difficult to ignore, and talking through problems with friends, family or a counselling service such as that provided on the 3rd floor of the Union can really help.

Pavement Slobs Dear gair rhydd, I’d like to complain about all the fuckers who WALK AT A SNAIL’S PACE through Cardiff. Shopping in town has become a nightmare, one’s every step blocked by bovine townies shuffling moronically along. Too dullwitted to possess normal reaction levels, the amount of time it takes for them to move out of my fucking way is truly incredible. Even worse, this symptom of societal malaise has spread to students walking in to university. Fair enough, you don’t want to get to your lectures on time. But others don’t wish to spend any more time in Cardiff’s piss-awful weather than is humanly possible, and you and your obese mates blocking the pavements by waddling around in packs is not fucking appreciated. Worse was the stupid fucker who stopped right in front of me today to answer his mobile; he got a deserved poke in the eye with my umbrella for his supreme twattishness. To everyone, everywhere; get a fucking move on. Sidewalk Surfer Roath

The Dullest Letter Ever Received Dear gair rhydd, Hello there, I am writing about those morons who think they are funny when they call gair rhydd "Gay Ride". The reason I write is because surely being as it is in reference to a newspaper

which one would read, and phonetically "Rhydd" bears a resemblance as much to "read" as to "ride", it makes so much more sense to re-name the paper "Gay Read" if trying to be in, it's a gay in it's the sort of thing that only someone who is into same sex lovin' would read? "Gay" of course being used in its derogatory and homophobic sense, homophobia being the lame foundation upon which this entire tragic edifice is built? Which brings me to my next matter how dysfunctioning the homophobic mind may be...the word "Gair" doesn't bear any resemblance to "Gay" at all...which means, sadly, the joke doesn't even work anyway whatever interpretation the wannabe clown uses for the "Rhydd" part! This is all without pointing out the problem of giving a name written in the Welsh language an English alternative, when we all know the actual English translation is "Free Word" just makes it look sadly as if those calling it "Gay Ride/Read" simply don't know the proper translation even though it is on the front page of every issue, and that just makes them look silly! All we are left with is the sorry state of affairs of a mature University newspaper being given a three-year old's attempt at a witty alternative name by its readers when as university students, they should (and must) do better! Come on people, let's try and come up with something genuinely funny as our hilarious mock-name for our beloved paper rather than allowing this retrograde excuse for humour with offensive undertones be our only choice! Either that or maybe the new editorial team can actually change the paper's actual name to "Gay Ride" and then the comedians will have no choice but to call it "Gair Rhydd" when they jest, thus hoisting themselves by their

own petard? Or maybe then they'd smarten up and realise that "Gair Rhydd" sounds nothing like "Gay Ride", come up with something better and stop thinking they were so clever and original when they are in fact dull and tedious, much like this letter which was purely written as an excuse not to revise? Alls I know is, if those darned lecturers had lectured properly, none of us would need to revise would we? I mean, if they had made us learn it like they're supposed to, then we'd have learned it then and there and wouldn't have to remind ourselves of what should already be learned all over again at this late juncture? Not that I blame the lecturers mind! Oh no, it's that MTV I blame!

point is still valid). Furthermore, in recent issues of G.R. your fellow editors have been defending the paper against criticism that it is too left-wing biased. How do you respond? Incredibly, by belittling the one article that shows the other side of the argument! (Edited out; lines and lines of opinion balancing, lets call it thatLettersdesk) I must add that, on the whole, I think you all do a very difficult, timeconsuming and often thankless job, extremely well. Fear not, with the evil of finals fast approaching, you shan't hear from me again.

Ben Hammond

Lettersdesk says: I know revision avoidance will drive a man to desperate measures, but couldn’t you have undertaken a more constructive task? Like self harm?

Lettersdesk says: Sometimes the individuals who write features wish to remain anonymous, including the one example you refer to directly. Of course, we always strive for perfection but yes, admittedly, we don’t alwyas manage it. Occasionally there are a couple of fuckups, but then it wouldn’t be the gair rhydd if we didn’t, would it? I prefer to think that such oversights add character.

Paper Wait

TV Pest

Happy Johnson Second Year Cathays

Dear gair rhydd, Ahhh, exams. Three hours of scribbling, brain racking and general waffling. We are told that in a three hour exam that we are not permitted to leave within the first hour, or within the last half-hour. So that gives us a one and a half-hour window in which to trawl through our long-term (or shortterm, if we were learning...I mean revising the topic the night before) memory then pour the contents of our head onto the answer sheets. But what if the timing goes wrong? What if (horror of all horrors) we finish with 29 minutes to go and are forced to endure the horrific wait passively on our ‘chairs’ fighting a losing battle against the blood clots in our legs? In days gone by, a popular challenge was to attempt to fit an essay onto the tiny piece of paper that the sticker for covering your name was attached to, but what with recent technological advancements we are now expected to baste the corner of our sheets in our own saliva as a alternative adhesive; hence no tiny sheet challenge anymore. So what are our alternatives? Subtle winking at invigilators of the opposite, or even same sex? Colouring in all the ‘o’s on the question sheet? Counting the amount of bricks on each wall then playing math problems with the resulting figures? I’m at a loss. Bring back the little sheet of paper. Yours Sincerely Elliot Peabody 2nd Year Psychology

Critical Values Dear gair rhydd, I promised myself that I wouldn't write in to gair rhydd again (considering you, all sections, never print anything I write), but what can I say? Such is the contentious content of G.R. nowadays that I am thus spurred into action. There are so many things that I could comment on, but for the sake of the sanity of everyone concerned (myself included) I will limit myself to Features. Firstly, the article on third-world poverty was excellent, but why deny the author the credit he/she deserves by rendering it anonymous (as seem to all too frequently happen)? Even worse, something of the content appears to have been lost between pages 15 and 16. Such sloppy errors surely cannot be acceptable considering the amount of time and effort the contributors have put into their work? If I was that contributor I'd be quite rightly very angry (or was it written by one of the editors??? Nonetheless, the

Dear gair rhydd, I am not a prude. I derive pleasure from knock-knock jokes, Ronnie Corbett anecdotes and the odd racy seaside postcard (although some render in my mind a quagmire of lustful desire.) However, I find myself disgusted by the television guide of your last issue (GR739). I feel that gair rhydd has overstepped the mark on grounds of tastes and compounded the undeserved stereotype that students are insensitive layabouts. Was it really necessary to place a picture of Gary Glitter next to the film Babysnatcher? If you insist on being tasteless, surely the two boys convicted in the Bulger case would have made a better choice, but presumably you thought students with little awareness or long-term memory would not know who these were. I would have hoped that gair rhydd would have the nous to realise that this attitude makes students think that their purpose in university is not to better themselves, but to continually try and outdo each other in the most banal of ways - I refer you to the drunken antics and trolley jackings that make up today's modern rebellious academic. That said, gair rhydd is about entertainment too, so lets have a little more wit and lot less twit. Yes, I could have used a cruder rhyme but just because the constraints of middle England conformity are no longer upon me does not mean I indulge in needless profanity. You could do well to follow my example.

Yours Tobias Mallard Lettersdesk says: Trust me, this is the least of the problems we have with TV desk. Ever met TV Alex?

Party Pooper Dear gair rhydd, I would like to take this opportunity to apologise unreservedly for inviting the whole of gair rhydd back to mine for a party after the media awards and then not being there. I have no recollection of this and was only informed of this tonight. I do recall telling people about another party which I spent most of the early hours of the morning at but to those who drove and walked up and down Woodcock Street looking for a party, please accept my deepest and most sincere apologies. If it's any consolation, next time I have a party you are all invited to drink my house dry.

HAVE TEXT WITH gair rhydd 07791165837 Put your hand in your pocket and grab your device! Text us, we’ll print practically anything! And don’t forget to include your name, wiseguy.

“Ben Jenkins pissed on his girlfriend! Ads” “Do all girls have fannys? Tom Grove 3rd yr”” "Oi! Gavina! Kippres are 4 breakfast, not for kinky sex!" “Whats black and crispy and sits on the top of the stairs?-a cripple after a house fire” “Thank u gr u saved my ass again, so to speak, we ran out of toilet paper again. g xx” “Johnny B says: At the end of the day, it gets dark. You are what you eat.” “Ed Swindell is a lazy fat turd and he’s gonna die from being so fucked up. He’s a commoner?” “Man needed. Must have sense of humour. Money is a necessity. Breath is optional. Desparation always a bonus. Love me (please)!” “Girl i brought home last night had a doner kebab so i had to make her have a shower. From Peewee” “To satisfy your porn needs visit aberconway hall and ask to speak to cassidy. Hes got some good stuff ” “I may be gullible but at least I have the magic llama! Luv Gj” “If shit were pisses they would be shorter, sweeter, and a lot cleaner! Mike” “Where the fuck has £1 a pint gone! Is the union trying to stick 2 fingers up our collective arse!?” “All hail rabbits. Rabbits rule forget badgers, rabbits win any day. Even monkeys dont copare (obviously) spoon the badgers! to charlie lots of love! nooch!” “Tell sports Riath I’m not a witch. TV Amy. PS Fuck off ” “Filmdesk Neil battles Artsdesk Mat for ninja supremacy. Mat: Come get some! Neil: Yo. . . She Bitch. . . let’s go! Groovy.” “Mat loses”

Drunk and ashamed of Xpress Radio

Please e-mail your letters in to us at GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

gair rhydd 26 05 03

10 • Comment



TEN QUID FOR THE LOT, WE PAID FUCK ALL/MY ICE CREAM HAS JUST MELTED!/PURE ROCK FURY/HORSE PORN/SO MUCH VIM FOR AN OLD ‘UN/CHOIR NEWS/FAT BASTARD! By D C Gates BORN FROM an egg on a mountain top... oh, yes, we’re very topical here in Gair Rhydd. From the people who slagged off George Bush when he was just a glint in the milkman’s eye, we bring you the following revelation: all foodstuffs are perishable! This discovery, which has startled the scientific community, was made last Thursday, when Dave Sherlock, 21, a third-year Cultural Criticism student, was tucking into his kebab. “It looked a bit strange, to be frank - there was all this white and green stuff on it, which I’m pretty sure wasn’t salad or mayonnaise. Anyway, I bit into it, and it didn’t taste too bad.” So far, so good. But Dave’s pleasure was not to last. “Then, about an hour later, I started to feel really strange. I had to be sick, and then, I’m afraid to say, it was coming out both ends.” Sherlock spent the next three days recovering, before he began to analyse the problem. “I realised that I’d had that kebab in the kitchen for about three weeks. I’d once heard that milk ‘goes off ’ if left open for a few days, but I never thought that the same could happen to a kebab. I guess I’ve sleuthed out the answer to this mystery.” A spokesman for the British Kebab Council said “No shit, Sherlock”. Some people may accuse us here at gair rhydd of lazy journalism - you know, cutting corners, printing old news and so on. And whilst this accusation is partly true - for example, Riath writes all his copy asleep in a big box lined with torn newspaper - at least we don’t spend an entire centrefold slagging off the other student papers. As you will know, if you’ve been paying attention, such was

the practice of The Steel Press, mighty organ of Sheffield University. A runaround look at other student newspapers is a common practice across the country, as it fills space and gives the impression that despite their differences, all students have to go through more or less the same experiences. However, for some reason, The Steel Press decided to fill an entire two pages - the fucking centrefold - with a piece attacking six student-produced newspapers, concluding that “we’re all pretty shite”. Yeah, that is pretty shite - God, even we wouldn’t go to the totally half-arsed length of this sorry excuse for a feature, ESPECIALLY AT THE CENTRE OF THE FUCKING PAPER. What is the goddamn point of this feature - too much time spent playing electro pop music whilst making forks, to organise a proper article? I could use this as an excuse to spout off about the various pitfalls of Yorkshire - we’re due one of those, believe me - but that would be a little too churlish of me. I guess that the feature, entitled “Student Press - what a load of rubbish” was intended to be light-hearted but cutting, though ‘average’ would have been a better description. Yes, I know, everyone in the paper seems to be going on and on about it, but rather than taking the “not dignifying that with a response” attitude, we prefer one of all-out nastiness. Yah boo sucks to all who dare cross us! And that goes double for you tyke ruffians. Perversely, with my lack of exams, I’m actually finding it harder to write for gair rhydd than I was. Here I am, bogged down with work, both academic or otherwise, at ten past three in the

morning, starving hungry, sweaty and tired. An intruder, possibly from Steel Press and-stroke-or Yorkshire: My, what a pleasant image for the readers. Gates, somewhat ‘tired and emotional’ replies: hey, be nice. If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. The mysterious intruder again: oh, how my heart bleeds for you. It must be so hard. The ghost of Sid James: Fnarr! Hurgh, hurgh, hurgh! Gates, mentally and physically drained: if only Brian Blessed were here [sigh]. By the way, did anyone see The Guardian last Monday? There, illustrating Peter Singer’s article on animal rights, was a great big slice of horse porn! Well, it wasn’t exactly horse porn, but that was the interpretation that we took in the office. Well, a few of us anyway. But still, it appears that the design team at The Guardian are regular readers of this column, or at least of gair rhydd. Far be it for me to suggest that Singer, an internationally renowned philosopher and authority on moral issues, has access to a regular delivery of Cardiff ’s finest student newspaper (er, Cardiff ’s only student newspaper), as I doubt very much that he would approve of pornography, horse-based or otherwise. I can’t exactly see him leaving the newsagent with copies of Filthy Foals or Nearly Glue grasped surreptitiously under his arm. (Not that I could see him anyway, as he lives in the Americas.) Perhaps this whole thing is just a figment of my deadened imagination, and I’m

imagining the lot of it, but deep in my heart I don’t want to let go of the idea that gair rhydd has reached across many daunting borders and touched some peoples’ hearts. And what’s so wrong with having dreams? It was having dreams that motivated Napoleon and Gandhi, Dick Dastardly and Muttley, and Billy Bunter to do the things they did, and who can deny them their places in our hearts? Anyone? A dream is what makes a kitten chase its ball of wool, is what makes the chips taste so good when the chips are down, puts the ape in apricot , makes one man cry and another man sing. So always remember your dreams, and one of these days you too could be labouring under the delusion of being a famous newspaper pundit. And if that isn’t worth dreaming about, what is? You will, we hope, have noticed that this issue of gair rhydd has a slightly waste-conscious bent to it. Now this can seem a little too worthy, a bit preachy, especially to anyone who has ever seen the state of our office. However, I’m sure you’ll agree that unless we start to do our bit, our general quality of life will rapidly deteriorate, with waste piling up and rats and seagulls virtually running the streets. Do you really want the streets of Cardiff permanently turned into your kitchen in the morning after a party? Does the prospect of wearing a gas mask to go outside turn you on? If not, then you should take an interest in recycling and waste reduction. For the sad thing is, unlike in The Simpsons, we can’t shove the rubbish under the ground, and we can’t move the city twenty miles to the right. Naturally, the last thing we want to

is preach (we all prefer coercion to persuasion up here) about something which you are all acquainted with, but seriously: take note. We’re actually being sincere this time. So, the final stretch is upon us once more, and what have we learned? Well, that litter and The Steel Press are bad, and that dreams and recycling are good. Other things that are good: home-made compilations, both tapes and CDs, cleanliness, new stuff that works, The Slits, electricity, finishing. Some more bad stuff: losing things, feeling dirty, going hungry, malfunctions, five o’clock in the fucking morning, boring shifts of pointless work. Now, my children, there’s only one more issue of the word-orgy that is gair rhydd, and there won’t be any skimping on the content like in this one, although I doubt that we’ll be troubled by the ghost of Sid James. To all those who had been eagerly awaiting Madame Cynthia and her horoscope: sorry, but she’s away in Switzerland, with a strapping young lad burying his face in her lap, a glass of champagne at her lips. Well that’s what I think was going on couldn’t really hear her properly over the phone. But she’ll be back next issue, the three-fisted humdinger of gair rhydd’s swansong. Watch out for it, for you shall know it by the trail of dead bodies who had clawed themselves to death trying to get their copy. Or maybe it will turn up a couple of days late, as usual, and get clogged up on the pavements and drains of this noble city. Whatever the outcome, be sure to keep a look-out. It will slay, and you know it. Oh dear, I think my eyes are rupturing...

Competitions • 11

gair rhydd 26 05 03



Fire in the disco

t’s that time of the year again. Time to dig out your old school shoes, time to pay thirty quid to rent a dinner suit half a size too large, and time to douse yourself liberally with Brut and run a comb through your stinking matted hair. Time to spend twelve hours traipsing around town trying to find a dress for less than a months rent, time to put streaks of pink ghee and glitter in your hair for no earthly reason, and time to start cutting down on vital sustenance in order to fit your bloated feet into those razor-wire shoes. It’s the Summer Ball, kids. But it’s all worth it, isn’t it? The torture of getting dressed up for once in your life, the dead eyes gazing back at you from the mirror that seem a little more sunken and grey with every passing year, the cold knowledge that your so-called ‘friends’ will get you drunk, will abandon you when you pass out on the toilet floor, and will laugh mercilessly at you when you limp home, dazed by alcohol and painkillers from the casualty department next morning. It’s all worth it because you know you love it! If you thought last year’s ball was good, then this year’s promises to be even better. The Union

gair rhydd Drop your answersand pigeons- nto the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union. Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electronmail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps @

It’s pants to be a square


ave you heard of SpongeBob SquarePants, a yellow sponge who lives with his pet snail Gary, under the sea in a 2-storey pineapple in Bikini Bottom? If not, then you are missing out on one of the best cult animations to hit the UK in years. SpongeBob is an optimistic sea sponge who works as a fry cook in The Krusty Krab fast food joint. His main aim in life is to be Employee of the Month, every month. This is a cartoon with a difference and SpongeBob and his bizarre friends will have you enthralled in its simple nonsensical humour and unashamed escapism. For all of you crazy Sponge fans out there, we have got a fantastic goody bag to giveaway, containing the coolest gadgets that would brighten up any student digs. You can win an executive stress SpongeBob toy which speaks when you hit it, a SpongeBob DVD, an interactive SpongeBob PS2 game and last but not least, a Justin Timberlake album courtesy of Virgin. You can catch SpongeBob SquarePants every Saturday on SM:tv and every day on Nicktoons TV. Don’t miss the launch of funky SpongeBob T-shirts, gifts and gadgets at Virgin from June 2003.

Win SpongeBob gear What is the name of SpongBob’s pet snail?


has outdone themselves and provided a top notch line-up of acts. Kiefer Sutherland lookalike Keith Chegwin is your Master of Ceremonies for the night, bringing his own brand of puckish glee to the evening. He presides over the musical stylings of chicky-rock eye sherbet trio The Sugababes, reincarnated disco tunesters Björn Again (pictured), one-man-down-butstill-holding-on skirt moisteners East 17, and smooooth beat daddy Jean Jacques Smoothie. A rare treat, I’m sure you’ll agree. These revels are set in motion to the backdrop of a Renostyle Casino, Circus Performers (no freaks mind) and burly tattoo artists, all combining to make your evening memorable despite your drink-induced torpor. And keep your eyes on GR for info about pre-Ball warm up parties and events. The 2003 Summer Ball is taking place at the Cardiff International Arena on Friday 13th June, from 7pm ‘til 2am. Tickets are still available from the Students Union Box Office at a mere £30. Of course, this being a competitions page of sorts, we are in possession of four pairs of tickets kindly donated to us by the organisers. Now you can join your happier, wealthier friends at this year’s hottest event without expending a single penny. Just answer the question below and you and a loved one can join Keith and the gang at this year’s celebrity-studded Summer Ball.

Win a pair of Summer Ball Tickets Which pop group does Björn Again unconvincingly claim to be the reincarnation of? A: B: C:

Huey Lewis and the News ABBA Bananarama

12 •

gair rhydd 26 05 03

et Th erelistings in full Cardiff’s


02 It may be the middle of the exam season but there is still lots going on in Cardiff. As always Get There is here to guide you through the highs and the lows, making sure you use your night off wisely. It’s not just gigs we’re liking this week, neither, we’ve gone all sophisticated.

Real culture vultures

3. Gone, but not forgotten The War is Dead, Long Live the War @ Sherman Theatre, Wednesday 28th May

There’s More Life In The ‘Phonics


here wasn’t a lot of information available on this performance but it still sounds like it will at least be interesting, and possibly edging on the side of controversy. Obviously it is about war, but what isn’t so blatant is that you will hear a collection of rehearsed readings written by Patrick Jones on the topic. So what else? Although timely appropriate, this isn’t specifically about the war in Iraq but looks at the long term developments since the beginning of the Twentieth century. A concise overview on the Sherman website

Stereophonics @ Great Hall Monday 2nd June


trangely, this gig managed to sell out without ever going on public sale because tickets were restricted to the members of Stereophonics fan club and mailing list. The Great Hall is therefore going to be filled with only the hardest of the hardcore ‘Phonics fans. With their new album due out the same day, it is to be expected that most of the material will be drawn from this. Given the

style of new single, Madame Helga, it is safe to say that there is going to be a distinct move away from the acoustic, dirge like crap that was Just Enough Education To Perform. Despite the weaknesses of their albums, Stereophonics are in fact quite a good live band. They play their songs a lot heavier and Kelly Jones’ vocals are far better than they are on record. It is a shame that they

didn’t have a ticket allocation for students, considering that they are Welsh and are using our union. Well, if you’re going, it will be great to see them in such a small venue, and if your not, hang around outside and you might just bump into them. Cutting edge as ever, it’s comforting to see them trailblazing the return of ‘curtains’. Makes us all feel much better about our hair. Tickets: Sold Out

2. The state of things to come


various images behind the band. All this sounds very unusual and the band claim that they would be suited to bigger venues rather than small clubs like Barfly, which on the surface seems rather pretentious. However, despite the bands dislike of the smaller things in life, all of their gigs in such cosy surroundings have had a fantastic response. Hope of the States are indeed providing hope - that there will be an end to garage rock, and that bands will be making different music from each other once again. Tickets: £5 Available from the Union Box Office

Staff list GRiP editors: Nick McDonald, Alex Macpherson GRiP picture editor: Robin Jackson ( Get There: Anthony Lloyd( Arts: LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft ( Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones ( Books: Jane Eyre ( Film: Neil Blain ( Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth & Steve Hurst ( Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (

Tickets: £2.50 Available on the door only

4. Here Comes the Summer! Cardiff University Summer Ball @ C.I.A, Friday 13th June


lthough this doesn’t actually happen in the fortnight that this issue covers, it is probably likely that you have all forgotten to get your tickets. Being the nice people that we are, here is your official reminder: you’ve got three weeks till the celebration of the beginning of the summer. Once again the union has hired some quality acts to entertain the thousands of pissed students. By far the top act will be the Sugababes, but far more intriguing

will be Bjorn Again who will be belting out some ABBA classics. Don’t forget that the great Keith Chegwin will be comparing, and fully clothed, thank god. If the music doesn’t grab you then there will be the usual funfair and casino, which should provide hours of fun. The funfair should be especially exciting as you can relive childhood memories of carefree days gone by. Tickets: £30 from Union Box Office (but selling out fast)

5. All That Jazz

Hope of the States @ Barfly, Saturday 31st May n a time when every band is producing the same, simplistic garage rock, it’s refreshing to hear a band trying to develop their sound into something bigger and better. Hope of the States are a new British band that are being hailed as the new Radiohead,though of course such hype is sometimes dubious and incorrect, because they attempt to blend melodic vocals against the background of well produced sound, and general noise. However, their music is given it’s own unique edge with inclusion of a violinist in the six piece ensemble. If that isn’t enough for you, Hope of the States have their very own projectionist, who highlights the mood of the music by shining

states: “100 years and nothings’s changed, 100 years and the killing continues, 100 years and man is against man.” The basic argument of the evening will concentrate on will war ever end. As they say: ‘Wilfred Owen to Donald Rumsfeld - will we ever learn?’ Quite true, and subsequently it seems that this will be an informative and well delivered reading that should highlight the many problems that any war produces.

The Chris Hodgkins Trio @ Cafe Jazz, Thursday 5th June


s Get There is always striving to include something a little different in the top five every fortnight, we have a live jazz recommendation. Chris Hodgkins won Radio 3’s prestigious Services to Jazz Award last year and rightfully commands high respect from fellow musicians. Jazz is a very misunderstood genre and yes, it can be a load of pretentious wank in its freeform nature, but when the musicians aren’t moving up and down scales

at hyper-speed it actually really rather good. This trio consist of a double bassist and guitarist with Hodgkins on trumpet, meaning that this will be a good introduction to the world of jazz. Also, Cafe Jazz is a great venue that you sit back and relax in while listening to some chilled music. Look out for the quirky Beatles covers that are promised. Tickets: £5 Box Office: 029 2034 0591

In this issue of GRiP... 05:Games/ Web

07: Music

16: Books

Run their second “hilarious” caption comp

Get all shacked up at ATP and go deaf listening to the new Mogwai LP

06: Arts

12: Film

Scrounge through the best and worst on the small screen with razor-wit Those easily offended lookaway now

Decide if John Shuttleworth can make even home security funny

See if cyber violence is all that in The Matrix:Reloaded

Discuss tainted love and gay hotspots

17: TV



Union nights and special events.

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free before 11, £1 after Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution. Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend’, it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, making Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue.

Warm-up party in Taf- 6pm-10pm Java £1, Cocktails £2



Monday 26/05

No Choice + Nozzle + Bedford Falls @ Barfly 8pm, £4 Sixth + support @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £6 Blazin’ Squad @ St David’s Hall 7pm, £18.50 Probably best to stay clear of town unless you want to be mobbed by hordes of 14 year old townies. They will more than likely be wearing check shirts about three times their size, two tubs of hair gel, and stink of dodgy aftershave. Actually sounds like a rather good night out for me- craddle-snatcher Ed

Hawkwind + support @ Bristol Academy 8pm, £18 Lemmy from Motorhead was originally in this band in the 1960s but was kicked out for smuggling drugs across the Canadian border. Therefore, we can blame them for the formation of Motorhead, and the writing of one of the most annoying songs in the world.

Pink Fraud + support @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £6 Twisted By Design 3rd Birthday @ Dempseys Celebration of regular club night that promotes the best in new and unusual music.

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00 Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night. Look out for future performances from similarly kitsch entertainment, in the same vein as the recent Cheeky Girls.

Saturdays Normally: Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3 One of the UK’s top student night arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2.

Tuesday 27/05 The Loves + Montana + Sexy Vegas Superstars @ Toucan 8.30pm, £3/4 Bandwagon club night gig. With The Loves. Hooray Janeiro + support @ TJ’s Newport 8pm, £tbc Stereophonics + support @ Bristol Academy 8pm Of course this is sold out, but you could try and get yourself into their gig in Cardiff, or maybe just hang around outside their tourbus. The Yards + Spacehopper + Tourniquet @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £4 Ladysmith Black Mambazo @ St David’s Hall 7.30pm, £17.50 - £22.50 African acapella group who sang the Heinz beans advert a couple of years ago. They were on Jools Holland the other week, sounded very relaxing.

Wednesday 28/05 Matt Elliot + Elemental + CID @ Barfly 8pm, £5 Brian Eno style trickery by performance artist Elliot. But without


Taf Quiz Usual format. Even the BBC’s spring TV schedule doesn’t beat this! Sunday nights do tend to be incredibly boring so go test your knowledge and impress your mates. There is also the chance you could win and find yourself going home with a toastie maker or such like. You may have noticed that there is no listings for Tuesday. That is due to the fact that the Comedy Club has closed its doors for the summer, boo. But then I’m sure it’ll be back, even better than before. Also, to give you much prior notice, over the graduation period look out for the special Union nights, and the extra special booze deals. So then you can get really emotional about never seeing anyone again. the bald top and really long back and sides. I’d still go though. Funkenstiens + Steffi @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £4

Thursday 29/05

Sunday 1/06 Mu330 + Vanilla Pod @ Barfly 3pm, £6 All ages afternoon show, which means that it will contain a local ska punk band i.e. crap. Big D & the Kids Table @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £tbc

Monday 2/06

Stereophonics + support @ Great Hall 8pm, £11.75 See other page.

Tuesday 3/06

Ten Benson + Talisman + Chuck Ninja @ Barfly 8pm, £6

Amalthea + Adam + Dogma @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £4

University of Errors + Cymbient @ Toucan 8pm, £6 Bandwagon special, that is apparently going to be awesome.

Fishbone + Adequate 7 + local support @ MS1 Club 8pm, £10 Adequate 7 are one of the best new bands around, combining funky ska brass with punk/hardcore guitars. Formed at our very own uni, they recently released their debut album and are touring furiously. Go see them, listen to what I say for once. God dammit there has to be some reward for doing these god-damn listings every fortnight. Mirma + Underdown @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £5

Widescreen + Tailfly @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £4

Friday 6/06 JT Mouse + support @ Barfly 8pm, £4 Finally. Welcome back to Barfly JTMouse. All of us here will be there.

Saturday 7/06

Taproot + support @ MS1 Club 8pm, £8

Ten Years After @ MS1 Club 8pm, £14

The Chris Hodgkins Trio @ Cafe Jazz 8.30pm, £5/£4 See other page.

University of Errors + support @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £7

The Starting Line + support @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £6

Mahumodo + Shellshock + Through Silence + NUKE @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £5/£7

The Agenda + The Panthers + Sexy Vegas Superstars @ Barfly 8pm, £5

Shed Seven + Watershed @ Great Hall 8pm, £12.50 Why does this gig cost more than the Stereophonics? Unless this is how much they will pay you to go, yes that makes sense, although they need offer much more than this.

One Minute Silence + support @ MS1 Club 8pm, £10

Yat Kha + Rosalie Deighton @ Barfly 8pm, £7

The Selecter + Rhoda Dakar + Clinical Groover + HLD @ TJ’s Newport 9pm, £6

Friday 30/05

Sayama Ga Gas + Bolchevics @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £4

Martini Henry Rifles + Terrashima + Wendykurk @ Barfly 8pm, £4 Rockstock: The Summer Ball @ MS1 Club 8pm, £4 Anyone can have their own music festival, just use your name and add ‘stock’ to the end. Bryan Adams Tribute @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £6 Why would anyone want to pay tribute to Bryan Adams?

Sunday 8/06 Douglas + Fog Donkey + Stuntface @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £5 Excellent local punk band (Douglas) that have been hailed by the likes of Hundred Reasons.

Coming Up

Spike + Audigene + Horse @ Barfly 8pm, £6

Sunday 29th June Anthrax + support @ Great Hall £12.50 Weren’t they supposed to be changing their name in the post 9/11 world? Wouldn’t have mattered; still would have been shit.

80s Matchbox B-Line Disaster @ Fleece & Firkin, Bristol 8pm, £7 I’m sure everyone’s heard of them. Heavy, semi-goth band that have their own car, like the Batmobile, just not as cool.

Monday 7th July Murderdolls + support @ Great Hall £10 Drummer from Slipknot’s other band, making a strange visit, when there will be no one here.

Wednesday 4/06

Films on release in Cardiff... Phone Booth Starring: Colin Farrell, Katie Holmes

25th Hour Starring: Ed Norton, Philip Seymour Hoffman

The Matrix Reloaded Starring: A Plank, Monica Bellucci.

X-Men 2 Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry.

Tense, taut one-scene thriller with Farrell as a New York sleazeball publicist trapped in a phone booth at the mercy of a sniper’s gun.

Spike Lee’s latest sees a New York drug dealer about to go down casts his eye around his city, his friends and his family in search of redemption.

“It’s the schools’ fault; it’s nothing to do with guns. If the school didn’t allow trenchcoats, then they wouldn’t be able to hide the guns” -Charlton Heston

“Any good guys?” “I enjoyed it. Halle Berry and a naked woman. Escapism innit?” Nah, that’s so my life. Jean Luc Picard’s got a Cardiff degree.

How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days Starring: Kate Hudson, Matthew McConaughey Rom-com dippiness, possibly satirising gender stereotypes. Or not. McConaughey and Hudson are both yum, though.

Get There

Bluecheer + The Deviants @ MS1 Club 8pm, £13

Bob Catley + Danny Vaughn @ TJ’s Newport 7.30pm, £10

Cardiff’s listings in full

Live Music

Thursday 5/06

Hope of the States + Tetsuo @ Barfly 8pm, £5 See other page. Adam Freeland + David Holmes + Terminalhead @ Bristol Academy 8pm, £8


Wednesday 28th June: Jive Hive presents 007 Bond Night @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00 Java £1.20, Smirnoff Ice/ Black £1.50, Dbl Vodka & Redbull £2, Vodka Martini £2. 20 bottles of champagne to best dressed characters. Wednesday 5th June: Jive Hive presents Beach Party Bikini Tour Bus Girls, Ice Cream Stalls, Wet T-Shirt Comp., Limbo Comp., Free T-Shirts & Garlands, Human Punch and Judy and Volleyball Courts. All Reef and VK £1.50, Dbl Vodka & Redbull £2.

Saturday 31/05


et TCardiff’s herelistings in full

GRiP Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Drum’n’bass DJs are promised in ultra student surroundings. Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free before 10pm. Better than Creation. Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and dance. Original, eh? Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for. Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night. Hotel Yorba @ Barfly 10.30-2am, £2. DJs from Saturday’s Emerge night in Clwb. Music policy dubbed “indie/alternative”, and has been said to have a jolly nice atmosphere. Go after the bands have finished to dance the night away.

Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hip-hop/ pre-gangster rap/battle breaks/ electro-funk. Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in. Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am, £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses. Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of vodka. Superstition @ Moloko 9pm-2am. A night of soul, Motown, 70s disco and nu-jazz. Sounds marvellous. Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd. Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place. Open til 1am just like most places. Alternative Beats @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day. Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and dance. Who’d have thought it? YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm. I dread to think what this might entail. Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 before 10.30pm. Skapunk night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun! Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously. Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJs.

Wednesdays The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place though. It’s a shame that there’s no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight. Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average. DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and funk in plush surroundings. Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night,

with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and old skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out. Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay venue. Student night. Certainly worth a look. Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am, £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out. The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied, so I recommend a boycott! Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing. National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective. 80s Night @ Barfly Barfly parades its late license and introducing a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. She’ll die soon. Have you made plans for the funeral? Student Night @ Royworld The same as most other student nights I suspect, but with a shorter walk home than Clwb. Free to get in too. Drunk as a Skunk @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay £15 3 bands, rock DJs and as much as you can drink and eat for one all inclusive price. It’s a long walk back from the Bay mind you! Broken Beach, Light House @ Moloko Breakbeat and deep house.

Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though. Hard House @ The End... DJ Jomec does the honours. From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and dance. Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-hop, breaks and drum’n’bass. The best Moloko night? You decide. Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R&B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Britpop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS. As if Britpop needed reviving with Space on the prowl. Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature. Excellent night. New Noise @ Metros 9pm-2am. New noise delivered from the mighty DJ xxxrated. Use your new monkey card for 99p on all bottles and other special drinks offers. Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am, £1 entry. Dance music. Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4. R&B and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings. One Mission DJs @ Royworld The new place on City Road that everyone’s talking about. Tonight the One Mission crew offer breaks and drum’n’bass. It’s all free too. You can even go ten pin bowling as well.

Fridays Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7. The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop. Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live bands and rock/alternative DJs. One Mission DJs @ Royworld Like Thursday but on Friday. Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and house out on the Bay. Quantize @ Club Vision Entry £5. Brand new night of funk, tribal, progressive, and soul. Sounds very eclectic and very cool. Go. Cool House @ Emporium £8.

Excellent night that periodically returns to the city. Featured Radio 1’s Yousef in November if that gives you any idea. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Great new night at Clwb on the ground floor. Fun and frolics with a soundtrack of psychedelia and garage. Funk 2 Funk @ Oz Bar Breaking away from its roots in stoner metal, Oz Bar launches a night of funked up tunes courtesy of the people at Plastic Raygun records, Cardiff’s biggest and best dance label. Forward Motion @ Moloko Drinks promotions all night in the company of upbeat funk and party breaks. Supafly @ The Retreat Free entry, from £1 a bottle. DJs Loveless and O’Neil play a selection of breaks, funk, hip-hop, chillout and lounge. De-Luxe @ V Club 10pm-3pm. Free entry before 11.30pm. New night, with resident DJs Owain K (voted Best Up & Coming DJ 2002 @ WMA) and Chris Dixon. Ice @ Bar Blue 10pm-3am, £5. Speed garage with DJs Dub Matt, Anton B, Che & Raheem. No trainers.

percussion and dancers.Run by legends, if you are bored of the same old thing, get there. It stands out a mile amongst the rather more mainstream events. Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of guest DJs. Chilled American House @ Royworld Free, as usual. Chris Evans leads the proceedings. Feva @ Creation £10, 9pm-3am, Sunday 25 May, R&B with Raheem and Echo plus special guests. No trainers.


Cardiff City Football Club

Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though. Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. Six rooms, three floor balcony, games room and garden terrace. Well worth a look! Funked Out @ Royworld If you don’t have a name for your night, I’ll invent one for you free of charge. So, there you have it funky breaks and hip-hop courtesy of Jimmy Love from Clwb. Free. Do I sound poor to anyone? Indie night @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 before 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler. Get there before 10pm with a flyer for free entry. Play @ Moloko Happy party music! Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS. Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike. Moving away slightly from its electroclash routes, and having added more indie and more hip-hop; seasoned as required. L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US garage featuring guest DJs. Twin Scene @ Reds Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray! Sugar ’n’Spice @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3. Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, smart dress. If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house. Saturdays Are Sexy @ RSVP £2 before 10pm, £3 after. R&B with resident DJ Raheem. Look out for monthly FEVA specials. Their most famous regular customer is Charlotte Church. Well, if ever there was a reason to go then I’m sure that’s it.


Taboo @ Moloko The night that’s taken over from Taxi, but run wondrously by the same crew, with resident DJs from Higher Learning and Carnival to offer music from around the world. The night mixes funk and other worldly beats. Also boasts live

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps you’re a DJ spinning the decks or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Similarly if there’s event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know and we’ll replace it with something equally exciting.

Sport ( No, its gone, don’t cry, it’ll be back in August.

Cardiff Rugby ( vs Bridgend Tuesday 27 May, KO 7.05pm vs Pontypridd Friday 30 May, KO 7.05pm The football may be over but at least we have the rugby for a few more weeks.

Glamorgan Cricket vs Derbyshire Wednesday 28 May vs Worcestershire Sunday 8 June The sport of kings returns for the summer. It really is the best sport in the world; what other sport allows you to sit around from 11am drinking yourself into a mild coma, eh? And then they make it last five days! Fantastic! This is only a one day match though, but go and try it out and return for the tests.

Arts The Doctor and the Devils @ Sherman Theatre, Tuesday 3rd June - Saturday 7th June, 8pm Play by the fantastic Dylan Thomas about 1850s Edinburgh and the infamous murderers Burke and Hare. Performed by the Everyman Theatre Company. Tickets: £7 from Sherman Theatre box office. Expect this to be ace.

Welsh National Opera @ New Theatre Wednesday 4 June, 6.30pm Jephtha by Handel New production sung in English Cast includes Mark Padmore, Christopher Purves, Susan Bickley and Daniel Taylor. Conducted by Paul McCreesh. Tuesday 27th, Saturday 31th May & Friday 6th June, 7.15pm La Bohéme by Puccini Sung in Italian with English subtitles. Cast includes David Kempster, Jae-Chul Bae and Timothy Mirfin. Thursday 5th & Saturday 7th June, 7.15pm Don Giovanni by Mozart Sung in Italian with English surtitles. Cast includes Neal Davies, Geraldine McGreevy, Garry Magee and Catrin Wyn-Davies.

Societies People & Planet Society: ‘Third World First’ Benefit for Ugandan Orphanage Project and international volunteers, Sat 31st May Seren Las, 8pm - 1am. Four local bands featuring Juniper, CID and Circleboy, plus DJs Raj and Backspin. Tickets £3. Chaplaincy Society Meets every Wednesday at 5.30pm in the Ecumenical Chaplaincy, 20-22 North Road. Our weekly meetings offer a time for debate, discussion and reflection in an open and safe environment. We always try to do new and exciting things, but we always start off the night with food. If you want to know more about the society come along, or email Bhagavad Gita: The Song of God An informal discussion on this ancient scripture, exploring the key themes and issues and how they may be applied in our everyday lives. Every Wednesday and Thursday on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union. For more details contact Jedi on Everyone welcome! Society Contact Details. Acappella Music Society Act One (drama Society) African Caribbean Society AIESEC - Alt and Shift (Students against social injustice) Archaeology AssJacks - BangladeshStudents Business Careers Cathsoc - Chinese Students and Scholars Christian Union Communication Society Conservative - Debating - Duke of Edinburgh Earthsoc - East African Society English - French - Hellenic - Hindu - Indie - Islamic - Italian Labour - Law - Liberal Democrats Live Music - Merry Meet (pagan) Navigators - Nigerian Students - Oddsoc - Photographic Society Politics - Psychology - RAG - Real Ale - STAR (action for refugees) Xpress Radio - Xpress@cf

You see this space here? This is what needs filling! All you societies must be having some kind of event going on and we want to know about it! If you are involved in any of the societies listed above and you have an event/meeting coming up then email and we shall post it on this very page. If you don’t bother, then that’s your fault. Isn’t it.



Nostalgia trip W

ell here I am at the end of another year and one step closer to having to join the real world and get a job. So what better way to round off the year than

with a look back over some of the highlights of the games I’ve seen this year. I kicked off in september with Hitman 2 on the PS2. A great new take on the sneak-em-up genre, in the wake of Metal Gear Solid. From here, I raced and crashed with Burnout 2 with its new slant on cars and speed. I picked a fight with Tekken 4 as this year fast became a year of the sequel. Every game I played has a new number after it and on the whole I had some great new titles. This


erily I doth declare the aforementioned great competition a success. Timing of exams and deadlines have rendered us unable to print a name this issue, but the winner will be notified by email and praised as far as anyone has time to. Anyhow, here is


ery rarely can it be said that the programming on the BBC is worthy of the license fee. Some may disagree but its my article. Having said this the website more than justifies the hundred-odd quiddlers spent on that bit of paper. The site is a pure feast of information and not just the latest up-to-theminute news rubbish. Included are TV listings and comments, Radio broadcast over the net and the usual money and

1: Splinter Cell See Above 2: X-Men 2 Wolverine See Above 3: Ghost Recon Who ya gonna call? 4: Devil May Cry 2 Demonic sequel 5: FIFA 2003 Anyone for TIF2? 6: Tiger Woods 2003 Golf update 7: The Sims Taking over 8: GTA: Vice City Flying off the shelves 9: Mortal Kombat Finish him 10:Dynasty Warriors 3 Samurai update


1: Burnout 2 Racing 2: Halo Is it me you’re looking for? 3: Bloodrayne Umbrella please 4: Ghost Recon No not him 5: The Sims Them again 6: Taofeng Bless you 7: Splinter Cell See Above 8: Indiana Jones Classic 9: Star Wars: Clone Wars Cloned game 10:Metal Gear Solid 2 Fighting!

PC-CD ROM Game Cube 1: Champ Manager 4 Pure class 2: Vietcong No-score draw 3: Sims Deluxe Its for special 4: C&C Generals New battle sim 5: Horse Race Manager Have a guess 6: Devastation Optimistic innit? 7: Splinter Cell See Above 8: Sims Unleashed Still 9: Raven Shield Animal Cruelty 10:Tropico 2 Meh

1: Legend of Zelda Geek fun 2: Metroid Prime Sci fi geek fun 3: Super Smash Bros No not the pop group 4: Super Monkey Ball 2 Pure genius 5: Mario Sunshine Sunny plumbing 6: Tiger Woods 2003 Hit ball, walk, repeat 7: Luigi’s Mansion Is big and nice 8: Resident Evil Zero people saw the movie 9: The Sims For a change 10:Bomberman 2 Osama?

boring adult type stuff. Where the site really earns its money is the BBCi directory. Here is the doorway to a Pandora’s box of online literature ranging from literature to horoscopes via an in depth and surprisingly balanced science and nature section. This is a veritable online encyclopedia of all things that could fit, and more. Revision for debates and exams has never been so easy. Trust me. I know. Steven Jackson

Coming soon..... Well here’s the pre-exam panic. Cometh the hour, cometh the last minute cramming. What better time to go out and grab a piece of digital escapism? Ok, maybe after exams makes more sense but nevermind. Good luck to one and all, we’ll see you in the pub for a pint. To contribute to the games and web fun send us an electronic mail to or visit the greenhouse on the 4th floor of the union. Baking hot it is. Our thanks go out to GAME on Queen Street and St Davids Arcade, as always, for their continued support in supplying the charts for us.




ell hands up if you like shooting people. Hands up if you like westerns. Hands up if you played Time Crisis. So do you want to play Time Crisis in the wild wild west? Thought not. In the game you play as Jesse James hot on the trail of your ex-partner, Bob Younger, who appears to have stolen quite a large amount of gold. The game progresses as a shooting game on train tracks. The route is dictated and the baddies pop up like the bit of cardboard you see in cop training films. With that said, Gunfighter 2 provides a perfect chance to get out the old light gun for a shooting frenzy. Then again, that’s about all the good points. The graphics are shoddy at best and the gameplay’s been done before. All in all, its not great but if you want a gun game then try it out. Personally I wouldn’t. Chris Pietryka

License to educate and inform?

This week’s charts Playstation 2

this week’s snapshot submitted for your consideration. Sod it, here’s two to keep you going through exams. E-mail your caption to the usual address and please say which pic the caption is for. Happy piss-taking all you sarcastic boys and girls.

has led in recent weeks to XMen 2, Metal Gear Solid 2 and finally last issue the astoundingly original Splinter Cell. You have truly been gifted with games but if you will excuse me I have a degree to fail. Chris Pietryka

Wild Wild West Shootout GUNFIGHTER 2: REVENGE OF JESSE JAMES [PS2] Ubi Soft

The ‘great’ Gamesweb Caption Competition!

Artreviews/previews s



We have lift-off John Shuttleworth Sherman Theatre

Lame at gurning: John Shuttleworth


raham Fellows should have been a musician. In the 70s he was the man behind Jilted John, singer of the song immortalised by the incessant repetition of the line “Gordon is a moron” . Yet he remained a one-hit wonder and created John Shuttleworth instead. Not to say that Shuttleworth is not a worthy comedy character to have as an alter-ego. Indeed, the late 50’s urban male with his ‘pipe and slippers’ ubersafe lifestyle provides some hilarious dialogue. But it is the dittys he clashes out on his Casio that the character is most famous for. And for which he gets the biggest applause of the night. Even in the interlude Fellows supplies his own music-based support. His more

recent creation, failed wannabe pop star Brian Appleton takes to the stage. He tells comically pitiful lies about his songwriting history, (all the great tracks-written by him, stolen by now famous bands) and woes via a bad Brummie accent but also with a guitar. Though tongue in cheek, sometimes you just get the impression that Fellows would really rather be someone else. Misplaced ambition aside, he embodies his creations astonishingly well. Moments of nativity and innocence come across as just that, rather than forced and unrealistic. When Ken Worthington, neighbour, tour manager and best friend of Shuttleworth speaks to him via a ‘video link-up’ he is sharing a bed with Mary, Shuttleworth’s wife. For security purposes though, of course. This he understands; something that the touring man holds dear to his heart, with his dictorial dragon of a wife less so. Cringingly, he tells of his 30 year old son returning home after divorcing, to sleep in his childhood cabin-bed.Unblinking he says it makes him feel safe. It’s funny really as the traits of the comic personna have begun to reflect a little on their creator. Fellows’ performance lacked a real sparkle. But then with playing a worrier like John, he may always be the first to extinguish the slightly dangerous naked flame. Gemma Curtis

Eastern Promise Sherman Theatre 23rd-31st May, 029 2039 1391

‘Mother Teresa is Dead’ follows a husband’s search for his estranged wife in India. Finding a very different life to what’s been left behind in London, he finds that there are more secrets yet to be revealed, both about his wife and the country. The production is on until the 31st May.

My body is a temple tactileBOSCH, Llandaff, 23rd May-7th June, 029 2038 4959

Provocative theatre: ‘Mother Theresa is Dead’

‘Fourchette’ is an exhibition using sculpture, photography, installation, performance and new media from a range of female artists. Their focus is on the body as a representation of identity and culture. Anyone familiar with the work of Helene Cixous would find this interesting. Presenting the body as a varied and complex form, the exhibition offers a good opportunity to see an exciting range of works in a local venue. It closes on 7th June.

Going Downtown Bute Street: Cosmopolitan Highway Butetown History and Arts Centre Until 22 Jun 2003, Free Admission

An exhibition about life in a street that was once the most famous in Wales. This exhibition celebrates the diversity of nationalities that populated Bute Street and Highway features photographs taken over a 100-year period. The photographs are not just of streets and buildings, but also of people living their lives. Well worth a look for a piece of Welsh cultural history with a difference.

Give me Moore Sally Moore, Martin Tinney Gallery, 29th May-17 June, 029 2064 1411

Her paintings have been described as mini psychological dramas, using humour, surrealism and extreme attention to detail (see right). As a result of this painstaking, detailed style her output is relatively low and a solo show from her is a rare occasion. Winning a collection of awards from the likes of Brian Sewell, Moore’s distinctive style and approach to painting make this worth a visit.

Calming effect: Sally Moore

07 Evan Dando: tasty. That’s it


Baby he’s back Evan Dando Bristol Anson Rooms/London Shephards Bush Empire Fallen hero. Forgotten genius. There ae many ways to describe Evan Dando and his meteoric fall from indiekid pin-up to losing it drug-addict. But even after the cliches have been done to death, there is a definite core to his musical capabilities. And to his testament, it is his unique songwriting that has kept the punters that turn up on this tour interested for the seven years he’s been away. Recording officially now as a solo artist, tracks from Dando’s comeback album Baby I’m Bored slip effortlessly amongst the Lemonheads songs from yesteryear. Both sets anticipate the crowd reaction incredibly, teasing out the new releases to a thoroughly appreciative throng. Most importantly though, the crowd are encouraged to lap it up even more so as Dando shows himself to be having a grand time. In London, even when In The Grass All Wine Coloured fails spectacularly, the star simply sarcastically murmours huskily, “well, that went well.” So relaxed his onstage personna that even in the larger venue, though particularly in the Anson Rooms, it is as though his efforts are directed intimately to you. Jumping up and down on the spot, he turns to the musicians who make up his backing band. They play at each other, whilst making the classic rock gestures seem inappropriate and melodramatic. Headily supercharged during Waking Up , Confetti and an absolutely storming Rudderless, these make the most of such formation. But on All My Life and It Looks Like You in particular, nothing can compete with the spellbinding vocal. It make have taken a while, but Evan Dando is definitely back on ttrack. Gemma Curtis

MOGWAI Solus Unfortunately, due to some howlers on my part, I only arrived at Solus halfway through Mogwai's first song, but the atmosphere was of intense concentration, reverence even. It felt like walking into a church service just as communion was being taken. Nevermind - after a brief "thanks", the band launched into Mogwai Fear Satan, and I was one of the congregation. It's quite amazing how much the same six notes can move you; a fragile melody striving to be heard in the maelstrom of noise. Damn, they're on form tonight - the new material sounds polished, and is as rapturously received as the classics. In fact, the setlist is the big surprise of the evening, with most of the material coming from their more recent releases. Still, the towering inferno that is My Father My King gets played before the encore, and despite the sound problems (just not quite loud enough) more than makes up for any uncertainties. Right now, Mogwai make everything else seem irrelevant. Charlie Jenkins

THE ROOTS Bristol Academy

The Veils turn in a nice support performance tonight, their pleasant sounding indie rock complete with Buckley-esque vocals receiving a nice reaction from the crowd. However, their performance is forgotten once the 2220s take to the stage. Melding blues with rock, this young band are always

If we ever needed confirmation that Matt Hales is the best thing to happen to British pop music in the last 12 months, then tonight’s superb gig at the end of promotions for his self titled debut is the clincher. Opening tonights show with a mouth watering version of Good Times (the melody led by Matt’s mobile phone), you’re instantly hit by the improvement both in Matt’s voice and the tightness of his supporting band. There’s enough variation of the album’s material to show that they’re willing to push the boundaries of his music, but the songs never get swamped by an inappropriate solo or flawed deviation. Gracing us with four Beach Boys covers, including a a spine-melting God Only Knows, the band continue well past their alloted set list, but keep coming back for more as the crowd respond with feverish enthusiasm. When the end eventually comes and we have to leave, it’s with the sun in our hearts and a bounce in our step as we’re safe in the knowledge that tonight we’ve truly witnessed a national treasure. Andy Parsons

SMALL VICTORIES / HOT PUPPIES Clwb Ifor Bach Red and black is the most potent colour combination there is, evoking sex, danger, anger and darkness. A good

THE VANITIES / NOVELLO The Toucan Club Novello are an exciting live prospect: the lead singer jumps and cavorts around the stage, all the while jabbering above a tight rhythm section. They produce a angry, claustrophobic, post hardcore sound that at times excels on tracks like “Revolution in Technicolor” with its stuttering Trail of dead-esque vocals and vicious guitar riffs. At times Novello over-play their hand: witness tracks like American Graffiti and Nice, with its never ending guitar solos. But overall, a band with real promise, and a songs with a few bitter stories to tell. They leave the stage to a rousing reception. For headliners, Cardiff’s The Vanities, the stage is decked out in fairy lights and the lead singer is dressed in a glittery dinner jacket. The Vanities live in a world where the 80’s-Romo sound is still king and produce a pumping glamorous synth pop sound that delights the dancing front row, and brings a cheesy smile to my face. At times this drummer-less, keyboard driven racket reaches excellence: witness the new single Space Tourist that sounds remarkably like early Duran Duran in a camp disco love tryst with David Bowie. Also, the disco cool of Sweet UV that resembles New Order, the Pet shop Boys in one repeated chorus: “Like

Sweet Ultra Violet!” At times the Vanities do lapse into a kind of cheesy Eurovision disco, but mostly they are a band that recall the more glamorous moments of the New Romantic age. Bill Cummings

NIGHTMARES ON WAX Bristol Anson Rooms As the thick clouds of smoke roll across the Anson Rooms, there could only be one band who could capitalise fully on the blunted atmosphere tonight. Original roller, George Evelyn has guided his Nightmares of Wax project from bleep to blunt for over ten years now, but with this continuation of the Mind Elevation live band tour, continues to produce fantastic chilled tunes. Opening with the ubiquitous Les Nuits and swiftly travelling back in time to the highlights of Smokers Delight, George and his merry band of funk artists slowly bring the grooves and vibes from the best parts of their back catalogue. With live MCing from diminutive Chyna B and a fine selection of improved dance routines from the band (the bouncing of Environment in particular), the enthusiastic crowd were thoroughly entertained. Despite the plug being pulled on the encores, tonight’s show was still a great funk filled night of joy, showcasing possibly the closest Britain will get to producing its own James Brown. Andy Parsons

THE FUTUREHEADS Barfly Many seem to think that this is the age of the 'New Rock Revolution', however, it is actually the 'New Rock Repetition' as every garage rock band sounds exactly like a band from the 60s or 70s. The Futureheads are no different, having been comapred to every seventies punk you can think of, yet there is a distinct originality in their sound, which manages to convert the crowd into lifelong fans in under an hour. The Futureheads play short and snappy punk, their ethos being to get as many songs into their short set. In fact they play all their songs, as when an encore is demanded they say they can only play one more as that is all is they have. By far the most striking aspect to their music is way in which all four of them contribute to the vocals. The stop-start rhythm of the music is perfectly complimented by four diferent lines being sung at once by four different people. The material from the 1-2-3-nul! EP is fully represented with Carnival Kids andTicket highlighting the potential this band have in under three minutes. It was only a 45 minute set but every track was perfectly formed, and excuted with very un-punk precision. Anthony Lloyd


22-20S/THE VEILS Cardiff Barfly

AQUALUNG Wolverhampton Wulfrun Hall

look, then, for madly eclectic six-piece Hot Puppies, especially if – as for singer Becky Newman - it’s manifested in a red tasselled mini-dress and black knee-high fuck-me boots. Newman turns out to be the star of the show: purring, whooping, howling and finally soaring her way through glam-rock stomps, art-punk explosions, Motown pastiches, and one utterly beautiful, utterly unexpected torch ballad. There are hints of everyone from Eleni Mandell to Karen O in her voice, but never more than hints; Newman’s a true original. Unlike the fully-formed explosions of their supports, the Small Victories story has been one of gradual, painstaking progress – and tonight, it all comes to fruition. Jagged guitars chime out over a layered maelstrom of sound, but each melodic thread is given a startling amount of space to breathe. This is music which creeps up on you, sneaks into your heart when you’re not paying attention. Furthermore, with his wracked, booze-soaked voice, James Chant is surely the most soulful white boy in South Wales; indeed, the only pity is that he doesn’t take over permanent vocal duty. There are nods to the psychedelic folk-pop which, in times past, was the Small Victories’ forte – but this gig is the sound of a band growing up. Alex Macpherson


The show tonight is opened by up and coming all girl hip-hop trio Northern State who do a good job at enteraining the crowd, but their performance is overshadowed by the live phenomenon that is The Roots. Hailing from Philidelphia, they are legendary for their rare take on hip-hop, which involves real instruments creating a force to be reckoned with, and tonight the energy is kept flowing headed by Black Thought’s rapping. A set list of their own material is interspersed with The Roots’ take on just about any hip-hop track in the charts in the moment. Towards the end of the show we get to see each of the band members show off on their own, highlights being guitarist Martin Luther’s soulful songs and the percussion battle that takes place between band leader and drummer ?uestlove and percussionist and beatbox Scratch. Their appearance here was highly anticipated and they certainly didn’t let anyone down. Kathryn Archer

going to draw White Stripes comparisons but are actually more similar to the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. They come onstage without a word and launch straight into a set that sounds like what dinosaur rock bands such as Deep Purple, Sabbath or Zeppelin might have done had they embraced punk, rather than being rendered obsolete by it. Not a word is uttered between songs except "This is a Bob Dylan song" before they tear through a great cover. They’re quite a thing to watch too. Drummer James Irving battering the hell out of his kit and laying down a hypnotic groove with bassist Glen Bartup, while singer/guitarist Martin Trimble stands at the mic with his eyes closed, furiously strumming his guitar, and throwing in some nice slide guitar work too. This is a band that plays music with a minimum of fuss, when Trimble breaks strings on both his guitars he simply plays the next song without bothering to stop and change. Having blown through their entire explosive set, the band walks off stage wordlessly, content to let their music do the talking, and on this kind of form there’s nothing wrong with that. Jon Griffiths




The Great Alternative Weekender Three days of bleeps, booze and beats ATP 2003 at the Pontins Camber Sands holiday park was the place to be for the alternative masses this April. Andy Parsons risked his eardrums and liver to give the weekend a proper rising and tell us how it went... FRIDAY Although still the festival of choice for the hoardes of alternative music fans the world over, this years Autechre curated event veered away from pale faced men with beards and guitars to concentrate on pale faced men with beards and laptops. First band of the weekend Zoviet France quickly set the tone: Two men behind a pair of Powerbooks making crackley sounds with the occasional distorted snatch of vocal. This theme was repeated until Thirstin Howl and his posse arrived onstage to liven the proceedings up. Thirstin’s brand of gangster rap may not suit some of the beardy ones at the back, but his live UK debut is an assured and excellent one. The

THE ATARIS In This Diary Columbia The Ataris return with more mellow sound as they show that they have grown up since the days of The Radio Still Sucks. They say: “Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up, these are the best days of our lives”, the emotional, thoughtful side is on display, as The Ataris talk of the heady days gone by. Anthony Lloyd


CHRIS CLARK Ceramics Is The Bomb Warp Records Warp neophyte Chris Clark finally steps into his own element with this superb 6 track ep. Deftly mixing the sublime with the ridiculous Chris crafts musicbox gems out of Slow Spines and Frost Investigation whilst indulging his playful side on the Squarepusher-esque A. Council. Perhaps the best aspect of this collection is Chris’ move away from his Aphex orientated past and the development of his own unique take on fucked up electronics. Twisted and classy, pottery has never been so much fun...Andy Parsons


DJ CHROME Who’s Crying Now? Perfecto The answer to the question being Paul Oakenfold, who still insists on having painful tranceby-numbers as lead singles and songs of genuine stupidity and brilliance relegated to track 5, and then doesn’t sell any records. The winner on this single,

Skam Records room downstairs played SATURDAY host to some of the best bands of the With the blazing sunshine and weekend with early audiovisual collecPremiership action taking many people tive Meam proving one of the weekends myself included, to the beach and the highlights with their gentle warm synths pub, it’s not until the scheduled appearand stunning animations. ance of Bola that we make our way The upper hall is packed by the time back to the stages. However the recent we make it up to see the main draw of birth of his daughter kept Darren himself the weekend, Public Enemy. Nearly 20 away so we’re treated to a virtual set years on from with more of their explosive Meam’s superb debut, the origianimation. Deeply nal kings of hipchilled and very hop have lost moving, tracks like none of their fire Forcasa3 and or impact. Tracks Aquilla showcase like Bring The electronic music at Noise, Black it’s melodic best, Steel and Don’t leaving us all warm Believe The Hype inside before the sound as fresh diminutive Kool and as relevant Keith flexes his in this fear filled lyrical muscles. Aphex Twin: ‘Rinsing it’ as always... age as they did The surprise when Thatcher highlight of the day and Regan ruled the world with iron fists. is Skam newcomer Mr.76 who conIt would take a lot to beat the sheer structs his mashed electrobeats using a energy and excitement of the PE show lowly Amiga 500. It manages to sound and unfortunately neither a sterling set fresher and more vibrant than 90% of from Team Doyobi or the eventual the Powerbook pushers present here appearance of Autechre (in their and causes the largest outbreak of Gescom guise) can quite live up to dancing seen all weekend in the downChuck D and Flav’s great performance. stairs stage.

the Les Rhythmes Digitales squelch of Future is Retro is 4 minutes of eighties-fried house, and has a twenty second guitar solo. Shame it’s placed behind a shit opener. John Widdop


BUSTA RHYMES & MARIAH CAREY I Know What You Want J Records It looks like a marriage of convenience, Busta gets to soften his rough boy image and Mariah gets some serious credibility boosting. Thankfully the outcome is much better than the idea sounds, Busta proving he can sing and Mariah proving she can make a cool pop record if she doesn’t do that squeally thing with her voice. Kathryn Archer


EVAN DANDO Stop My Head Setanta Mr ‘I’ve taken so many drugs it’s a wonder I’m not dead yet’ delivers a lovely portion of summery tunefulness on this tastefully packaged single. After over a decade of practicing the tried and tested ‘despair disguised beneath a pretty tune’ formula, by now you probably either get it or you don’t. However, the beautifully fringed one sounds so self assured on this solo effort, he’s probably not too bothered about those that fall into the latter category. Maria Thomas


BIG BROVAZ Favourite Things Epic Big Brovaz aren’t a band one

can delight in slating. The poor darlings try so hard, and the effort they put in to standing out from the crowd is laudable. Covering a Sound Of Music standard in inimitable blingbling style and dressing up in 18th century frockery in the video - interesting parallel between the Versailles and hiphop lifestyles there, incidentally - was an idea of immense originality. This doesn’t mean you’ll ever want to hear it again. Alex Macpherson


AQUALUNG If I Fall / Live At The Scala B-Unique This glorious limited edition double EP includes a luscious reworking of title track If I Fall and a second cd of 7 live tracks which perfectly capture the stunning beauty of Aqualung live. Matt Hales’s symbiotic relationship with his legions of fans, enchanted by his gentle vocals, makes him appear more and more fragile on every live track. Emotive and utterly relaxing, musicians like Hales are few and far between. Gemma Jones

The mighty doomrock sounds of Sunn o))) are the unlikely warm up for a ‘rinsing’ set by Aphex Twin, which sees the whole upper stage area flooded with hardcore ravers lapping up every beat of Richards techno/ragga/gabba set. It’s hot, hard, heavy and tremendous.

SUNDAY By now the thought of watching someone fiddle with a laptop is enough to send me running into the sea, however all faith is restored in the Powerbook, when Jim O’Rourke showcases tracks from his I’m Happy and I’m Singing... album. Delicate, gentle and fantastic on the ears, Jim’s set is extremely well received by a tired crowd. Downstairs Ninja Tune’s Strictly Kev raids his stacks of wax and supplies us with a sublime anti-war set before Bjork affiliate Mark Bell (aka LFO) puts the soundsystem though its paces with a set of pulsating low range action. It’s left to the fiesty duo of Mira Calix and Andrea Parker to close proceedings upstairs with a inventive DJ set before Venetian Snares rattles the foundations with an eardrum slaying set from 3 am till sunrise. A hardcore end to a fantastic weekend of music’s boundaries being pushed right to the limit. Lets hope next year raises the bar even higher.

shake their thangs. And you know he’ll get his way. Alex Macpherson


in that it just doesn’t engage the listener. It pushes all the right buttons, but gets tiresome fairly quickly. Gareth Lloyd


ALEXIS STRUM Coming on Strong Warner

Kele le Roc proved her compatibility with dance music in Basement Jaxx’s Romeo, and in Feelin U her sassy voice helps Shy Fx and T Power on there way with another drum and bass track that is aimed straight at the charts. Its funky flute riff will keep the girlies dancing whilst it doesn’t compromise too much in the breakdown at the end. Kathryn Archer


ZWAN Lyric Martha’s Music Second release from their debut album, and a fine choice for a single. Lyric is fizzy, enthusiastic, short and sweet, but suffers from the same problem as most of Zwan’s material


Female-fronted, electro-pop. This mini album-sampler begins in poor form, with the first couple of tracks being mundane beyond reconciliation. But the slightly funky riff/beat combo of Still Standing heralds a change as the final two tracks actually turn out to be fairly catchy. Paul Brown


THE HANSON BROTHERS Brad Wrong Records Not those girlified mid-90s muppets, these Hansons are a much fatter, uglier bunch who blur the line between TV Partyvibe Black Flag and The Ramones. Fun if you have a skateboard, less so if you don’t. Mat Croft



SEAN PAUL Get Busy Atlantic Sean Paul doesn’t look like much of a lothario: slightly pudgy face, wispy facial hair, general air of shyness. Which is why you shouldn’t judge by looks, as all such thoughts are dispelled the moment he opens his mouth. His charismatic, rhythmic voice is perfectly suited for the delivery of libidinous dancehall stompers such as this, during which he Zwan: From left to right, Murderer, Paedo, Slut, Mentalists, Freak, Legend... exhorts various ladies to



Single of the Fortnight MELLOWDRONE A Demonstration Of Intellectual Property B-Unique The bedroom should be the most creative room of the house. Mellowdrone - aka Jonathan Bates - proves one aspect of this maxim undeniably true with this six-track EP. It’s abundantly clear that there’s probably not much else going on in the way of bedroom creativity in his life - the overwhelming tenor of the EP is morose and melancholic - but that’s all the better for us. Fashionably Uninvited soars like an angry Jeff Buckley, while And Repeat and Beautiful Day add claustrophobic takes on grunge and electronica respectively to the mix. Mellowdrone is impressively eclectic and bursting with passion: the perfect bedroom Mellowdrone: good in the bedroom apparently... guest, then. Alex Macpherson


Mellow goodness PURETONE Stuck in a Groove Illustrious Despite their catchy title it doesn’t sound like Puretone know what a groove is let alone be stuck in one. Instead they offer a messy sounding guitar tinged pop dance that ends with the not so imaginative effect of a skipping CD, oh so they mean that kind of groove… Kathryn Archer


GOOD CHARLOTTE Boys and Girls Epic

The Hot Puppies are a brilliant new band from Aberystwyth that combine the sassy femme sound of the likes of Save Ferris and The Slits with an extra dose of sexy punk just to keep you on edge. Wickedly delicious songs that’ll hopefully propell this equally deliciously kitsch band into the mainstream. Gemma Jones


GINUWINE Hell Yeah Epic Hell No more like. The latest

THE BASEMENT Slain The Truth (At The Roadhouse) Deltasonic A bouncy, Coral-esque tune from their recent tour supporters, The Basement. The single implements a fairly generic backing melody, combines it with a fun-loving lead guitar and completes the effect with a fairly distinctive vocal styling. Passably interesting, but nothing special. Paul Brown


ABS Stop Sign BMG There’s Good Pop and there’s Bad Pop and there’s So Bad It’s Good Pop. But there’s also So Bad It Transcends Goodness And Remains Bad Pop. This, for example. It would make an ideal theme song for a quiz show aimed at the undereights, possibly involving gunge. Leave it, Abs, for you are sullying the good memory of 5ive. Gareth Lloyd

LESS THAN JAKE She’s Gonna Break Soon Sire It’s Less Than Jake doing what Less Than Jake do. Mixing Ska with a dashes of pop and punk to create a tune that’s singable, but ultimately samey. If you like Less Than Jake, get it. If you don’t, then don’t bother. Paul Brown


DJ FORMAT FEAT ABDOMINAL The Hit Song Pias A gem of superior wit in which Andy Bernstien provides a crash-course in the craft of breakbeat. Full of sharp-edged puns, Hit Song recalls one man's quest for “more hits than German fetish websites” with a glossy hip-hop backdrop. A glorious statement of intent, essentially fun and supremely confidant. Dave Gibson


Fans of glossy-warblers Geneva will adore this slice of light-headed indie from the last label to unapologeticly ignore cultural change. While many may be inept to deal with such sickly-sweet niceties, there is certainly space to accommodate them in the nation's heart. Regrettably, cynics will notice that no tune actually emerges from beneath this particular release. Shame. Dave Gibson

Our friend Ash is Ashley Hamilton: Misogynist Cunt Rod Stewart’s FACT!ol. step-son and this was co-written by ALFIE Robbie Williams. And this slice People of misogynistic shite can fuck Regal right off. Sample lyric: “I think it’s time I found myself a Beautiful Mancunians supermodel, I haven’t had one Alfie have emerged of those yet”. Possibly because triumphant after fighting you’re a fucking cunt, mate. against drowning in the John Widdop murky depths of the Zero Star band/label trauma

Intriguingly capitalising on the suffering of poor Hay Fever victims, Sarf-London indie wasters Munkster mark their first ‘serious release’ with a

Marc Carroll is Irish, like David Gray (Actually you muppet David Gray is Welsh...Disgusted Boyo Ed). He plays the acoustic guitar and sings vaguely romantic radio-friendly ballads, like David Gray. He is

KATASTROPHY WIFE Liberty Belle Integrity Since brazenly turning down Courtney Love on an offer of a place in her band. Former Babes In Toyland riot-grrl, Kat Bjelland, has gone from strength to strength and has seen her popularity soar since heading off on the recent Ladyfest tour with her chums. Liberty Belle is a viperous, but hugely catchy, spitting number, that puts riot-girl well and truly back on the map. If you’re a fan of Bjelland’s pevious work, you’ll love this. Gemma Jones


KINGS OF LEON Red Morning Light Handmedown

THE HIDDEN CAMERAS A Miracle Rough Trade

THE DELAYS Hey Girl Rough Trade

MUNKSTER Help Me Breathe Toast Records



MARC CARROLL Crashpad Number Evangeline

Ear-raping tunes, rhythms like two inbreds fucking, rabid screams and stupid titles. Business as usual for the 80’’s MBLD. You know the title tune by now, but the 5 B-sides are something else: Palamino’s Dream by the Boogs is a demented seashanty in a cold sweat, while old track Bones is reworked as an industrial disco beast. Not Top of the Pops material, maybe, but we can only hope. Mat Croft

Looking like the Eagles circa 1974, and sounding like they should have played Woodstock, the Kings of Leon crack out a brilliantly simple country rock song. Gravelly vocals, raunchy guitars, a screeching solo and a cow bell, this is the single of the year and we’re not even half way through. Anthony Lloyd




backwater. Having shifted from original label Twisted Nerve, Regal now take charge. Alfie do them a great favourite by releasing this suitably enjoyable debut; royally splendid, folkedged summery pop number. A really warm welcome back. Lucy James


When the delicate acoustic melody is lifted on a tide of strings, A Miracle unfurls from a good song into a great song. Combining the lyrical honesty of The Smiths with the melodic knack of Belle and Sebastian, The Hidden Cameras demonstrate a subtlety that is lacking in many of their contemporaries. Will Turnpenny


SHITMAT Shopliftin’ Gabba Planet Mu Another superb 7” from the Planet Mu label, this time featuring the hardcore mentalism of new signing Shitmat. Upfront and as aggressive as Venetian Snares with a uniquely British twist, this is IDM at its fucked up best.. It also ends with a locked groove of a bagpipe. How fucking rock is that! Andy Parsons



THE HOT PUPPIES The Drowsing Nymph Remote Control


Police cast-off for an A side, a piss poor Caribbean-twist impersonation on the B side, and the mother of all dire indie ballads as a bonus. Avoid the pollen than spawned it. John Widdop



Whenever I hear Good Charlotte, I can’t help but give a little chuckle. Whether it’s the too-serious monkey-twins (especially the funny tattooed one), or the fact that they nicked the verse to this song from Madonna’s Material Girl, there is something undeniably hilarious about the band. This impassioned rejection of the shallow material world somehow just completes the effect. (But you gotta admire their spirit and the fact their first album is amazing -GC Lovin’ Music desk) Will Turnpenny No Stars

cut from R n’ B sensation (read “sucker”) Ginuwine is written, produced AND arranged by R Kelly, and this obviously-sexist ode to thugs-in-clubs is painfully inferior to R’s own monster, although the smoother-than-a-14-year-olds”booty”-beats make this a slightly less asinine (this means obstinate or stupid - dictionary munching proof reader) experience. John Widdop

utterly fucking boring, like David Gray. He’s added to the world ís supply of unnecessary Dylan covers (The Times They Are A Changin’ is a b-side), like Avril Lavigne. Just what the music world needed, then! Alex Macpherson


usialbums c


PICK OF Album of the Fortnight THE REST MOGWAI Happy Songs For Happy People PIAS

ROONEY Rooney Geffen Ah, the summer is nearly here and so comes the time when the need arises to decide which album will become its soundtrack. The debut album from Rooney is perfect for this; the Californian five piece have written songs that could easily accompany a summertime barbecue. Stay Away lifts your mood in the same way as early Weezer, while you could watch the sun slowly set listening to the slow, relaxing movement of Popstars. We have the Californian music, now if only we could have the weather. Anthony Lloyd


CHUNGKING We Travel Fast Tummy Touch Chungking provided one of the highlights of the Tummy Touch Touch Tones label compilation last year with the subdued lilting melodies of Bubble Love. We Travel Fast is basically more of the same but on a grander scale. With loads of dreamy vocals and big string and brass sounds, most of the album sounds like it’s part of some kind of out-ofthis world musical. There’s a break from the layered female vocals that are all over the rest of the record on Full On where Chungking add a bit of Barry White sounding lovin’, meanwhile Suite makes an endearing interlude from the showtime sound flirting with a little jazz. Be assured you won’t hear anything like it anywhere else. Kathryn Archer


The arrival of the fifth studio album by Scottish noiseniks Mogwai should be heralded by huge fireworks displays up and down the country and a sacrificial burning of all the copies of the new Blur album. However we’ll just have to settle for listening to 40ish minutes of fantastic music. Seemingly incapable of disappointing, Happy Songs... continues roughly in the vein of its predecessor Rock Action mixing the mellow progressive melodies of Kids Will Be Skeletons and Killing All The Flies with the sturm und drang of album centrepoint Ratts Of The Capital. It might not shatter the ‘Gwai template too much, but then it wouldn’t be a Mogwai album if it didn’t break your heart and blow your eardrums at the same time. Thankfully Happy Music... delivers in spades, I Know You Are But What Am I?, the aforementioned Ratts.. and Stop Coming To My House holding their own against classics like Mogwai Fear Satan and Xmas Steps. Refined yet incredibly powerful, Mogwai are the aural definition of Shock and Awe. Happy? You’ll be ecstatic. Andy Parsons

Happiness is a warm gremlin... VARIOUS ARTISTS Remixology: House Classics Family Recordings For most of gair rhydd’s devoted readership, the songs contained here will have soundtracked school discos and teenage summers, rather than the E-fuelled raves they were designed for. Still, mid-90s reminiscence isn’t a bad thing at all, even if it is less old-skool than Back To School. Especially so, of course, if it includes the dreamy loungecore of Karen Ramirez’s Looking For Love, a deep, dark reworking of Josh Wink’s Higher State Of Consciousness and, best of all, Fatboy Slim’s big-beat take on Wildchild’s classic Renegade Master, which stamps and screeches its way on to the dancefloor with no intention of conceding it. There’s filler, and some stuff you’d rather not be reminded of - hello, Todd Terry! - but then, what else did you expect? Alex Macpherson


TES x2 Lex Records

PINK GREASE All Over You HorseGlue

The Big Apple isn’t just about angular guitars, sweeping cheekbones and the punk chic of Karen O’s wardrobe. NY’s fine history of hip-hop artists have been just as influential on a generation of music listens too. So enter the next generation of NY superstar - Tes, a Brooklyn rapper who’s debut has been picked up by the trailblazing Lex stable. x2 may only be an all too brief 32 minutes long, but it bristles with more ideas, skills and talent than a 100 P Diddys could dream of. Openers Say When and the anthemic New New York go in with guns blazing whilst the late night paranoia of Late To Work and Off On Monday to a trip into the NYC underworld. Solid and assured, Tes’ debut is one of the freshest and most essential hip hop records that you’ll hear all year. Andy Parsons

This album does not sound like you would expect from looking at the crazy fluorescent pink sleeve, with all the obligatory drugs references and Warhol-style silhouettes of the strangely large amount of band members. These loud-lipsticked rockers from Sheffield, don’t seem to know if they’re launching a punk manifesto or an art-house project – the tracks are neatly prepared into sections ‘A’ and ‘B’ for our listening pleasure. If there was an artistic motive behind this, it passed me by. Overall, it’s a good, if very different, punk album, vocals sounding like a crazy Morrisey/Morrison/Elvis hybrid, sounding not unlike the Doors, Joy Division, Roxy Music and even Grease the musical at times. It’s good music to wake up to – especially in these times of exam stress; we all need a laugh now and again. Steph Fuller


Mogwai: They’re happy and they know it...



MARC CARROLL All Wrongs Reversed Evangeline Cain Dingle look-a-like Marc Carroll used to be the singer in Ireland’s answer to Menswe@r, The Hormones, whose only claim to fame elsewhere was that they played at one of Ross’s weddings in Friends. Now five years down the line, This thoroughly pointless album is an attempt to launch Marc into the international big leagues. It’s all good stuff, if a little uninspired, but with three re-recorded Hormones tracks, one miniscule instrumental and two below-par Bob Dylan covers, it gives the feel of a Best-Of album for a mid-life crisis. The epic version of traditional Irish ballad On Ragland Road is the standout of the five new tracks, and Mr Wilson is at least better than The Barenaked Ladies’ tribute to Brian of Beach Boys Fame. But do the solo career thing properly next time, man. John Widdop


CRYDAMOURE Waves II Source Second in a series of undercover appearances by the men behind Daft Punk and Stardust as the classy Crydamoure label gets picked up by Source. Waves II showcases 15 tracks of pumping house music at it’s finest, mixing the cheesy with the anthemic and the hardcore. Archigram’s Carnaval and Le Knight Club’s Soul Bells are the most immediate Music Sounds Better With You-esque standouts and a crunchy version of The Stooges I Wanna Be Your Dog, whilst not the most original cover version, is a damn good party tune. Bursting with hideously catchy melodies and sexy beats Waves II is the party album Discovery should have been. Hopefully a good sign for Da’ Punk’s future and a quality ass shaker to boot. Andy Parsons


VARIOUS Matrix Reloaded OST Maverick This 2 disc cd containing tracks from the new Matrix sequel is a plunge into the dark side of rock as some of the top metal bands out there deliver some quality tunes. Kick-ass newbies from the likes of Marilyn Manson, Deftones, P.O.D. and Chino Moreno’s side-project Team Sleep, reflect the film’s fast-pace. Old favourites from the likes of RATM and Rob Zombie add to the general coolness of this soundtrack. A distinctive soundtrack for a distinctive film - totally awesome. Sebastian Swift


NATACHA ATLAS Something Dangerous Beggars Banquet How is it possible that an album that sounds like the majority of the songs on it should be being played in an Indian restaurant can actually be so good? From the soothing opening track, the aptly named Adam’s Lullaby, Atlas’s haunting voice and the distinctly eastern flavour of her choice of strings and keyboards and the almost-dodgy-butsomehow-not-quite backing beats ensure the kind of album that you could happily theme a party round, with costumes and catering to match. Jane Eyre


continued, drawing the mix to a moody end by A Sides What You Don’t Know. Fabio does every justice to the thriving drum and bass scene at the moment and adds yet another triumph to the Fabric series, which despite the rate at which these mixes are released, shows no sign of losing the plot. Kathryn Archer


MACY GRAY The Trouble With Being Myself Epic That title’s just asking for it. The trouble with being Macy Gray? A voice like Marge Simpson, for starters, combined with an elegance and grace bordering on the special school. But the image of Macy as kooky mentalist chick who lists shoplifting as a hobby is fundamental to what makes her so important: she thrives on it, and Epic shift units based on it. She’s at her best when the music lives up to these expectations - in particular, the riotous single When I See You and She Don’t Write Songs For You, the J Lo-dissing result of a temporary crush on P Diddy. The real trouble with being Macy Gray, though, is the elements of blandness which creep in amidst the madness; for every full-blooded, emotional ballad like She Ain’t Right For You, there’s the soul muzak of Speechless. Alex Macpherson


FABIO Fabric Live 10 Fabric

DJ /RUPTURE Minesweeper Suite Tigerbeat6

So, Fabio takes the baton for the Fabriclive mix series representing the sound of Friday nights at London’s Fabric, now on its tenth release. The selection of tunes represents of course Fabio’s sumptuous taste in drum and bass which includes all that is funky on the not-so-dark end of the genre. The mix builds to a captivating groove where Funk N Flex take it to a soulful level with Flow With Me which is

In anticipation of his set at Clwb next month, here’s a review of DJ /rupture’s finest work to date. A 70 minute megamix of hip-hop, ragga, jungle and funk all superbly fused together on three turntables. Incredibly dancable and full of underground classics Minesweeper Suite will rock any party. There’s even Killing Me Softly on it as a chilled conclusion. Classic. Andy Parsons




EELS Shootenanny! Dreamworks

troubadours and middle English poetry. Alex Macpherson

THE TYDE Twice Rough Trade

Everyone’s favourite miserablist named after a letter of the alphabet returns with Eels’ fifth studio album of trouble and strife. Quite how E has managed to get through the last 8 years without becoming a gibbering wreck of depression is anyones guess, with the death of close family members and other traumatic experiences painted all over the bands previous releases. Shootenanny! (subtitled Everybody Knows These Are Rock Hard Times) is another journey into the dark places inside E’s mind, following on from the serial killer stories of Souljacker. However the thick streak of dark humour that runs through the band’s previous work follows here as well with the superbly titled Restraining Order Blues hitting the spot perfectly. “Everyone knows I’m not a violent man.” protests E as he’s dragged away kicking and screaming. Non-violent he may be, but his songs still have the power to damage the soul. Dark and beautiful. Andy Parsons

SKIN Fleshwounds EMI

Thankfully, for the three fans of psychedelic moochers Beachwood Sparks, this usefully titled album doesn’t veer too far from the everythings-dandy lollop of the band they share members (and musical inspiration) with. Although in the stand-off of fuzzy American daisypop, The Tyde inevitably lose out. Not just through Darren Rademaker’s poor attempt to sound like he recorded the vocals in 1976, but simply that despite the inoffensiveness of single Blood Brothers and breezy opener A Loner, there is precious little inspiring in The Tyde’s second album, especially in the dark looming shadow of the new Grandaddy album. Not worth thinking twice then. John Widdop

★★★ ALAISDAIR ROBERTS Farewell Sorrow Rough Trade Armed with a trusty acoustic, a sexy Scottish accent and all number of obsolete instruments, Alasdair Roberts draws on ancient strands of British folk music to create an album which seems wholly out of place in 2003. There’s nothing twee about this folk, though: like recent albums by Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy, Katy Carr and Beth Gibbons, Farewell Sorrow taps into the dark undercurrent of traditional music. It’s a concept album, detailing the growth of a love affair with mordant wit and leftfield imagery: “you could not maintain your chastity even with the wearing of a girdle/And you could never hold your lying tongue even with the wearing of a bridle” is a couplet which particularly snags the ear. Meanwhile, lutes and accordions flutter around Roberts’ beautifully crafted alt.folk stylings, evoking a world of wandering

THE DANDY WARHOLS Welcome To The Monkey House Capitol

VARIOUS Empire Soundtracks Universal Music A fine mixture of music from the movies and a DVD featuring videos and highlights from the Empire Movie Awards. Covering a vast array of movies from the likes of Highlander to About A Boy to Vanilla Sky, there’s

★★★ JAGA JAZZIST The Stix Ninja Tune/Smalltown Super Sound Continuing the upsurgence in Norwegian music, Jaga Jazzist release their second LP on the legendary Ninja Tune label attempting to fuse current dance trends with their quirky jazz stylings. Which by and large works very well, the Tortoise-eque opener Kitty Wu and fried electronics of Toxic Dart instantly engaging. The band were aiming to make this album sound a lot more natural and live this time round, rather than the Ikea synthetics of A Livingroom Hush. This too has given The Stix a fascinating sound, neither rooted the past or locked inside silicon. The benefits of this are seen best on the brilliantly titled I Could Have Killed Him In The Sauna and Doppelganger, which are funky and edgy enough to grace the action sequences of any Bond movie. Ultimately The Stix is one for the head rather than the feet, but proves there’s plenty of scope left in improvisation and jazz, especially when it’s carried off as well as this. Andy Parsons


somehing to appeal to everyone. The key to this compilation really, is the amount of different genres covered from the cheesy pop of Wheatus to the hardhitting industrial noise of Rammstein it’s difficult not to find a track that will appeal to you on this eclectic soundtrack. With over 20 fantastic tunes from today and yesteryear, it’s guaranteed to keep your feet tapping long into the night. Gemma Jones


BROTHA P TOUCH/LESSER C64 Sid 6581 Massive Tigerbeat6


SHED SEVEN Where Have You Been Tonight? Taste Oh dear god, the band that Britpoppers were hoping to forget. With an up and coming tour underway it seems monkey-man Witter is hoping to make a come back from the dead. This live album featuring some of their better known warblings including She Left Me On Friday, Going For Gold, Dolphin and their best song Chasing Rainbows. Included on this plethora of needless waste is a dvd video entitled

Shed 7: Monkey man in full flow

chips used in the old machines may be smaller than you think. Quickly shifting between styles and tempos this mix always has something fresh and interesting to offer - though many may not have the stamina to last the full 60 minutes. Covers of 2 Unlimited, Paula Abdul and Salt and Peppa are squeezed in amongst the bleeps, each more deranged than the last. With the 80’s revival in full swing (apparently) this is the perfect present for the geek in your life. A history lesson in the power of electronics and how to make a good dance anthem all in one sitting. I’m just off to load up a game of Way Of The Exploding Fist... Andy Parsons


Sometimes you really have to wonder if some of those producers spend enough time in the fresh air rather than sitting in front of their Powerbooks. Case in point this hour long megamix of party tunes, old skool classix and techno genius which has been lovingly constructed using the “legendary” Commodore 64 Sid 6581 chip. Yep, you read right - an hours worth of classic rave action as filtered though Frogger and Chuckie Egg. Quite disturbingly this album is amazing. From the opening squelches and bleeps it soon becomes apparent that the gap between the high end synths of the professionals and the

DWELE Subject Virgin Three years in the making, Subject is the songwriter/producer/instrumentalist from Detroit’s debut album. The finished product still sounds fresh and is a really soulful affair, delving into Dwele’s experiences with relationships. Track’s like Find A Way lift the mood of the album with its upbeat jazzy basslines while other tracks like Possible and Subject really slow the pace of the album down to melancholic soul.

CONFLICT There’s No Power Without Control Mortarhate How to listen to this album: 1.Grab a black marker and put an X on each hand, 2. Take your shirt off, 3. Get a load of your mates round and jump around, furiously banging into each other. On the other hand you could do what I did: close your eyes and hope that this is the shortest half hour of your life. There’s No Power Without Control is a terrible attempt at political hardcore, with what sounds like the lead singer from Sham 69 shouting inaudible political bollocks. Not even worth using as a frisbee, may look quite good in a microwave though. Anthony Lloyd

★ FOG Ether Teeth Ninja Tune It’s easy to get the feeling that Andrew Broder was “the odd kid” at school. The one who didn’t really fit in, always kept himself to himself and occasionally had a glint in his eye that if you pissed him off he’d be in school next day with a crossbow with your name on it. Not that he’s a angry or a bad person, you understand, but possibly someone like Will Oldham or Conner Oberst that fews the world in a different way to the rest of us. Ether Teeth, Andrew’s second album is a joyous exploration of guitars, percussion and understated turntables and the effects of high grade marijuana. Deftly simplistic but cool, Ether Teeth is what Stephen Malkmus would have done if he’d have listen to DJ Shadow and Flying Saucer Attack as a kid. Suck it and see... Andy Parsons


Production is first rate throughout, and of the 15 tracks on the album there’s no lack of quality. Dwele’s multi talents then, have produced an album that sounds instantly classic. Kathryn Archer


EASTERN LANE Shades of Black Rough Trade Opening alt-country rocker Dead July sets the tone for this album, with its beautiful melodic line allied to aching vocals that land somewhere between Jeff Tweedy’s gruff delivery and Conor Obursts tortured drawl. The lyrics are equally bittersweet at one moment wracked in self-doubt, the next burning with hope. This album’s melancholic heart further reveals itself to the listener, on other highlights like Portrait of Tuesday that marries melodic folk, to Americana influences to produce emotive beauty. Holy Arms with it’s brooding selfconfessional crescendo is coupled with lines like “you used to talk like you knew me/ but I could always prove you wrong/now you say you can see through me well I’m as holy as the sun.” An ace record. Bill Cummings




I’m sorry, did I somehow get the wrong CD in this slipcase? Skin, is that you? What a difference a solo career can make, as the inherent rage and energy that characterised Skunk Anancy’s tracks such as Weak is nowhere to be seen. While the voice is as distinctive as ever, it’s singing on a series of rather upbeat life-affirming tracks that can’t help but put any listener in a good, if a slightly reflective mood. There’s even a chorus of pseudo-gospel singers on stand-out track Lost, although I suppose that’s not surprising considering Guy Chambers’ co-writing credit. Jane Eyre


The Dandy Warhol’s success so far has been largely down to a tantalising mix of slow burning drifts of drug-rock perfection and chart-bothering stompers like Bohemian Like You, a formula continued in 2003. First single We Used To Be Friends is so catchy it could sell traffic cones to a student, even loftier heights are reached by the gleamingly perfect You Were The Last High. Sure, their sound is a patchwork of unashamed influences (I Am Sound practically is Bowie’s Ashes To Ashes, ironically a track before long-time Bowie producer Tony Visconti lends a hand), but when the results are this well formed who gives, well… a monkeys? Jamie Fullerton


Shedonism, which apparently is an exclusive insight into the peculiar world of Shed Seven… Sadly, the only peculiar thing about Shed Seven is their need to keep churning out this rubbish Gemma Jones

13 GRiP

2003: The year of The Matrix WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT


CAST Keanu Reeves: Neo Laurence Fishburne: Morpheus Carrie-Anne Moss: Trinity Hugo Weaving: Agent Smith Harold Perrineau: Link Monica Bellucci: Persephone Jada Pinkett Smith: Niobe Dir.: Andy and Larry Wachowski Scr.: Andy and Larry Wachowski

As thousands of sentinels drill towards Zion, the final safe haven for the remains of humanity, Neo, Trinity and Morpheus must attempt to regain control of the machines by attacking the core of the Matrix before time runs out.

"Unfortunately no-one can be told how good The Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself."


he last film to receive as much hype as The Matrix Reloaded was Star Wars: Episode 1, which left fans dissatisfied and failed to live up to the huge levels of expectation that the original trilogy had created. Lucas’ reliance on groundbreaking new digital technology to astound his audience left the film humourless and soulless, and the public response was generally negative. This will not be so with Reloaded, because like its predecessor and almost certainly its successor, it is truly revolutionary. Reloaded’s two major action sequences are mind numbing. The first, a marathon kung fu fight between Neo and a multitude of cloned Smiths lasts for a full fifteen minutes, but never tires. The

Reloaded is a very different film to its predecessor. Although The Matrix seemed like a huge film with its grand themes and big effects, after witnessing the epic proportions of the differently toned Reloaded, it

seems minute in comparison. However, this is not simply because of its huge action sequences. The story develops

the philosophies of the original in dialogue heavy scenes that may demand repeat viewing, but which will impress with their intelligence and ideas, and Reloaded also develops Star Wars style political issues. The ‘real world’ settings are no longer confined to the claustrophobic

depths of Morpheus’ hover ship, as the immense loading bays and living quarters of Zion are revealed in glorious widescreen. The characters also develop. Keanu Reeves seems more settled into his role as the Messiah like Neo, even though his comparisons with Jesus are slightly overbaked. The love story between Neo and CarrieAnn Moss’ Trinity is more aptly developed, and Laurence Fishburne’s Morpheus blooms as he becomes a Martin Luther King styled leader of the people of Zion.

deep exploration of the structure of the Matrix itself, an explanation of its history and origins, and philosophies on mankind and their co-existence with machinery. Neil Blain


Reloaded has lived up to its hype. Although many might criticise its abrupt ending, come November, it However, as in will create a seamless link The Matrix, Hugo to The Matrix Revolutions. Weaving shines most With Reloaded, the as the cocksure Wachowski brothers have Agent Smith, progressed their delivering witty, self thoughtful saga and set a satisfied lines to each new standard for the way of his cloned action movies will be counterparts. filmed along the way. Truly Although at times unmissable, and a Reloaded misses out thoroughly enjoyable on the wonder of turning point in cinematic curiosity that the history. introductory original possessed, the ✩✩✩✩✩ Wachowskis have replaced this with a


Wachowskis slowly progress the intensity of the battle, beginning with low grade fisticuffs which boils to a whirling, bullet timed, CG frenzy. The sheer kinesis of the camera work, as it fluidly alternates between flo-mo and real time action as Neo locks horns with an incomprehensible amount of cloned Hugo Weavings, is truly devastating to the senses. The Wachowskis have revolutionised cinema in the same way that Spielberg’s Jurassic Park did when it took CGI techniques previously explored in blockbusters such as The Abyss and Terminator 2: Judgement Day and displayed their true potential by shocking the world with its terrifyingly realistic dinosaurs. Reloaded takes the virtual camera, used by prolific directors such as David Fincher in Fight Club and Panic Room and by the Wachowskis themselves in The Matrix, and fully displays the potential such a technique can create. The films second major set piece, a twenty minute car chase along a two mile self-constructed stretch of freeway, also dazzles with its originality, and holds the attention when it breaks into three noticeable sections of action. The sequence is edited at a similar break neck speed as the vehicles that the virtual camera tracks as it flys under lorries and through car windows in its relentless pursuit to keep up with the action.


Firlevm iew

GRiP 12

14 LEGENDARY “She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all

go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?"



A l f re d H i t c h c o c k

ilm directors page


By Katie Orr

lfred Hitchcock was truly the master of suspense; he virtually invented the thriller genre and certainly had a vast impact on cinema today. He first became involved in the film industry in 1919 when he started working at a Paramount studio in London, where he quickly rose through the ranks and had his directorial debut in 1922 when the original director of Always Tell Your Wife fell ill. However it was not until he had made hits like The Man Who Knew Too Much (1934) and The 39 Steps (1935) that he had truly established himself as one of Britain’s top film makers, a good 10 to 15 years later. During this time he started making cameos in his movies, the first was in The Lodger (1927), and from this point he appeared at some point in every movie he directed. It became a trademark of his and people were often so distracted from the plot looking for him, that he started having to appear

Norman Bates explains how similar he is to his mother in Psycho very early in the movie so that the audience could concentrate. Many directors still do this, for example, M. Night Shyamalan, director of The Sixth Sense and Signs. It was also around this time that he married Alma Reville, a film editor and script girl who worked at the same studios as he did, and later worked as a screenwriter on several of his films. By 1940 Hitchcock had decided that Britain did not have enough to offer his film career so he moved to Hollywood, where he believed they had higher technical standards. By this time, Hitchcock was well known for making gripping suspense thrillers, set around simple everyday situations. The 50’s are often referred to as Hitchcock’s Golden Era as this was when he directed some of his biggest hits, namely Rear Window (1954), Vertigo (1958) and North By

Six of the Best

Northwest (1959). These were glossy glamourous thrillers where he used big name actors such as Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant and Grace Kelly, but he always managed to surprise the audience by casting these

actors in very different and usually darker roles than they were used to. In the 60’s he changed his tactics and moved onto make much lower budget movies, as he believed that it isn’t the big special effects that are the most frightening, but the every day normality of the situation that makes for a really terrifying sequence. This was when he brought classics such as Psycho (1960) and The Birds (1963) to our screens. In the 70’s he directed only two movies Frenzy (1972) and Family Plot (1976) which was his last movie. Throughout his career the majority of his films seemed to have one thing in common, blondes, and with leading ladies such as Grace Kelly, Kim Novak, Janet Leigh and Tippi Hedren, who can blame him. He claimed this was because, "Blondes make the best victims. They're like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints."

Psycho (1960) Most definitely the most notorious and best known film in the Hitchcock collection, the classic horror thriller tells the story of the infamous mother’s boy, Norman Bates and the inevitable fate of the guests at his motel. Thoroughly chilling and infinitely copied.

Spellbound (1945)

Rear Window (1954) Hitchcock’s best film is set entirely in the claustrophobic confines of a single room. Jimmy Stewart is cast as a man who suspects a neighbour of murder, and conveys the suspense of the situation to perfection.

Spellbound is a truly absorbing and beautifully shot psychological thriller that features some exquisite dream sequences designed by Salvador Dali. The new head of a mental institution is an impostor and an amnesiac; a staff member falls in love with him and helps him recall the fate of the real Dr Edwards.

The Birds (1963)

North By Northwest (1959)

Although not thought to be one of Hitchcock’s greatest works, The Birds still manages to provide plenty of opportunity for shock, offbeat humour and some rather dodgy special effects. It is definitely one of his more gruesome offerings.

Bringing together all of the best characteristics of Hitchcock’s films, North by Northwest sees Cary Grant being mistaken for a spy and chased by enemy agents for knowing too much.

The 39 Steps (1935) The story of an innocent man drawn into the criminal world as a murder suspect who ends up on the run from both the police and the real villains is one of Hitchcock’s earlier works but has all the comedy, romance and suspense to make a classic mystery.

End of days Alfred Hitchcock died of liver failure and heart problems in 1980, only 4 months after he had been knighted by the Queen in her New Year’s Honours list. By this time he had made over fifty films,

including some of the most popular and best known thrillers ever created. He joins the scores of great directors such as Stanley Kubrick, Orson Welles and Martin Scorsese who remain unrecognised by the Oscars. He was nominated five times for Best Director, but lost every

time, though he was given the Irving Thalberg Memorial Award in the late 60’s. His works really seem to stand the test of time; by remaining truly frightening despite the now rather dated special effects, and he will always remain one of the true geniuses of the film industry.


Life reflecting art? FULL FRONTAL

RELEASED: OUT NOW CERTIFICATE: 18 RUNNING TIME: 101 mins CAST David Duchovny: Gus Nicky Katt: Hitler David Hyde Pierce: Carl Julia Roberts: Catherine/Francesca Blair Underwood: Nicholas/Calvin


Dir.: Steven Soderbergh Scr.: Coleman Hough Various interconnected members of Los Angeles’ intellectual upper crust all head towards a party organised by Gus, a film producer, discovering on route how their thespian lives are intersected between reality and fantasy.


hough Full Frontal was slammed in America for its failure to deliver the knockout punch that the director and stars attached would promise, there is something more to this American box office disappointment than meets the eye. The meandering style with which the film depicts the intertwining lives of "people-inthe-biz" in Los Angeles harks back to the better days of Robert Altman and his introspective ensemble pieces. However, Full Frontal has got something different that makes it even more worth the

trip to the cinema. It has the undeniably distinct flavour of its auteur, Steven Soderbergh. The once co-king of the indie film world, turned Hollywood hero with big budget films such as Erin Brokovich and Ocean’s Eleven, takes a jaunt back to familiar ground of low-budget high-impact filmmaking, reminiscent of earlier works such as Sex, Lies and Videotape and Kafka. This time around though Soderbergh has high priced talent clout on his side. Doubling as both an actress playing a role with in the film and as the private life of that actress is Julia Roberts. Her counterpart and opposite lead is Blair Underwood. Stars such as David Duchovony, Katherine Keener and Frasier’s own David Hyde Pierce make up the supporting cast. The focus of the film is set around the tired, very tired, but well-done premise of modern day relationships. Filmed in mockumentary style, and relying heavily on voice over, the camera follows the lives and relationships of the principle people involved in the making of the film Roberts and Underwood are starring in. The lines of mockumentary

and traditional feature film are discernible only by Soderbergh’s calling card of alternating film qualities (Traffic). The movie within the movie is filmed on lavish high quality 35mm, while the bulk of the picture is done on what appears to be grainy Super 8 mm. Not to be out done by his own aesthetic and well-written dramedy (Drama/Comedy), Soderbergh makes some poignant remarks about race and the standards that Hollywood films are made to satisfy but intersperses the tragedy effectively with scenes that are truly hilarious. Although at times the script becomes slightly hypocritically overly pretentious, the fine

title and family fortune are at stake, Fairfax aims his duties at keeping his house in order while trying to reform the nation. Both cannot be done at the same time and instead of one or the other suffering, both do. Lady Anne believes that Fairfax was born to look after his family and secure a future for his yet unborn son. Cromwell believes, as he has seen during many years of battle, that Fairfax was designed for more grander achievements; rebuilding a nation. The jealousy that they both feel for the presence of Fairfax strains their beliefs and actions, as they plot against each other using all Fairfax holds sacred in his life as their tools. The story is plausible at best but works better than it should because of Barker’s translation of it to the screen. He works with a small budget and big ideals and the story sweeps across many years and grand scales. However, the presence of this momentous time in British history is lost on the minimal

scale on which the film examines it. The film also lacks action, which would have helped to symbolise the violent era that it is depicting. Overall, the film is a little confused as to whether or not it is an epic or simply a character study of Fairfax, filling in history’s motives but raising the stakes with some tense dialogue heavy scenes. The brightest spot is Everett, whose portrayal of a king unmoved by the feeble attempts of his subjects to overthrow his pre-ordained kingly rights, are staunch, even as he walks proudly to his execution. Patrick Glendening


performances make up for any such annoyances. Watch with a keen eye, as subtlety is definitely the strongest aspect of this film. Patrick Glendening

FINAL WORD If your already tired of being blown away by the latest summer film fare that Hollywood has to offer, then you won’t be let down by this timely paced ensemble picture from a director with a distinctive vision.


A headless state TO KILL A KING

RELEASED: OUT NOW CERTIFICATE: 12A RUNNING TIME: 102 mins CAST Tim Roth: Oliver Cromwell Dougray Scott: Thomas Fairfax Olivia Williams: Lady Anne Fairfax Rupert Everett: King Charles I James Bolam: Holles

irector Mike Barker, "best known" for his teen crime caper Best Laid Plains, comes of age in this English Civil War period drama starring Dougray Scott (Thomas Fairfax) and Tim Roth

(Oliver Cromwell). Just returned from years of battle Cromwell and General Fairfax set out to rebuild the nation. Their ideals on how this should be done are very different, to each’s surprise. To complicate matters, as period dramas do, Fairfax’s wife, Lady Anne (Olivia Williams), is torn between her love for her husband and her royalist beliefs. So inundated with her beauty, after being at war with know one so nice to look at as wart faced Cromwell, Fairfax spends every waking moment with her and is even scolded when appearing late to a parliament session. With Lady Anne’s first pregnancy and threats from the house arrested King Charles I (Rupert Everret), where loss of

FINAL WORD An entertaining film with an interesting love triangle and solid acting from England’s finest, who do their best to save a script so heavily reliant upon guess work. Appropriately filmed in widescreen with an eye for grand storytelling by late blooming burgeoner Barker.




Set at the end of the English Civil War this period drama focuses around the little known relationship of Sir General Thomas Fairfax and Oliver Cromwell and how the course of history’s events were supposedly altered by Fairfax’s misplaced charisma.



Dir.: Mike Barker Scr.: Jenny Mayhew



What becomes of the broken-hearted? SWAHILI FOR THE BROKEN HEARTED: FROM CAPE TOWN TO CAIRO BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE Peter Moore Bantam Books


t might be nothing more than a marketing angle, but from the tone and content in this latest account of his travels and from interviews with the man himself, Peter Moore really is your average Joe. Swahili For the Broken Hearted reads like an e-mail from one of those annoying mates who’s galavanting around the world on their year out while you’re studying for exams in rain-

soaked Cardiff. Just not half as smug. As the title suggests, Moore treads that well worn route across the Dark Continent taking him through South Africa, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Mozambique, Tanzania, Kenya, Ethiopia, Sudan and finally Egypt. Understandably, he encounters various hazards and hindrances, as well as remarkable sights and sounds. Moore makes an effort to explore the facets of each culture he finds himself in, usually by staying in less affluent areas whenever possible (often to the chagrin of his latest colleague) - his rule

Gay T and Proud THE VIRGIN GAY GUIDE Tim Laming Virgin Books

his amusinglytitled guide to gay life claims to be the first of its kind released by a mainstream publisher. Hard to believe it’s taken so long. The Virgin Gay Guide covers all sorts of bases in its 230 pages. Some of the background in the first chapter is downright fascinating. Histories of groups

seems to be to visit one District Six for every Cape Town. The refreshing element is Moore’s lack of pretension and grandeur - he freely admits to (and sometimes revels in) committing sins which so-called ‘hardcore travellers’ would crucify him for. He lounges around watching soaps in his starting destination of Cape Town. He goes overbudget on his accommodation. He even cites a particularly nasty breakup as his main incentive for making the trip in the first place. But it all adds character, and when things pick up (for example, Moore’s encounters with riots, hyenas and the

treacherous minivans of South Africa) the book is all the more effective (and hilarious) for portraying the author’s wide-eyed amazement, and often bemusement, that he got through it in one piece. This a funny, relaxed, and always enjoyable read, and a highly accessible introduction to travelling in Africa.

such as Stonewall and Outrage! reminds the reader that the gay rights movement is often forgotten by the popular media. A detailed account of the sinister Section 28 law is followed up with quick portraits of the heroes (Peter Tatchell) and villains (Thatcher, Baroness Young) of gay rights. This section is well backed up with contact addresses and web links. After this opening 50 pages, the rest of the book spreads itself a bit more thinly. The following chapter, “Sex”, provides an encyclopedic range of everything from AIDS to

drugs issues, but after such topics the descriptions of felching and watersports seem irrelevant. The writing here is a let-down too, sounding more like tabloid punditry than proper journalism. And what’s on the page after the silliness of watersports? A serious discussion of adoption laws. Bearing in mind this book’s ambitious scope, such slip-ups are careless but forgivable. The chapters on the gay scene are better, offering comprehensive accounts of everything from Canal Street to gay icons to magazines like the Pink Paper and the Gay Times. However, it

Gareth Lloyd

doesn’t cover what to do if you’re gay but don’t live in the gay capitals: London, Manchester and Brighton. Laming makes an admirable effort to include something for everyone, but in doing this some areas become understandably vague. Luckily, Laming interviewed plenty of people and their opinions are used to support weaker sections. It’s not the all-conquering Bible of Homosexuality it would hope to be, but the Virgin Gay Guide is a healthy sign of a way of life being recognised by the mainstream. Mat Croft

Cult Classic

ook s reviews



he Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test documents the exhilarating rise, and inevitable fall, of Ken Kesey and his band of Merry Pranksters. Theirs was like the lifetime of an exotic butterfly - emerging from the mundane to create something ethereal, beautiful and ephemeral. In the few years between 1961 and 1966, they explored the limits of consciousness and along the way led a social revolution. This is the true account of how LSD irrevocably changed the world and then painted it in ‘Day-Glo’ colours. Kesey’s story is indelibly linked to that of LSD. Having partaken in its initial medical trials, he discovered his life’s mission: to introduce the world to the euphoria, and paranoia, of psychedelic drugs. The way to do this, he thought, was to drive a bus called ‘Furthur’ (sic) around America, host lots of parties and raise some hell. It worked. Everywhere they went, they left in their wake a trail of bewildered locals, frustrated officials (LSD was not yet illegal), and the recent proselytes to their new religion of hedonism - dedicated to ‘living in the present moment. Now! The Kairos!’ But this is before it all goes horribly wrong.

Kesey is a fascinating man. Visionary, rebel and salt of the earth, he comes across much like the protagonist of his own astonishing debut novel, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Coming from an American backwater he suddenly found himself the toast of the Californian intelligentsia. But he spurned this life of celebrity and academia and instead ended up as an outlaw, on the run from the FBI in Mexico. Along the journey, we encounter an abundance of gifted, curious, and creative people as they drift in and out of the story, many of them legends in their own right. Amongst them are Neal Cassady, the speed-freak inspiration to the Beat Generation’s bible, On The Road, by Jack Kerouac, Dr.s Timothy Leary and Richard Alpert (later known as Ram Dass), former Harvard lecturers who founded a parallel movement to Kesey’s called The League for Spiritual Discovery. Also present were The Grateful Dead, who pioneered acid-rock music, and highly-regarded poet and novelist Allen Ginsberg. Whilst blowing their minds on acid, they created new communities, explored new ways of communicating, studied

Eastern religions and philosophy, and delved into ‘intersubjectivity’. Crucially, this was before commercialization reduced the movement to little more than a corrupt fashion and a false consciousness. It is testament to both his journalistic and novelistic skills that Wolfe is so successful in recreating, what he calls, the ‘subjective reality’ of that time. He seamlessly interweaves a collage of idiosyncratic voices, to create a story that has the dreamlike quality of a rambling monologue, yet the pace of an action-adventure. Wolfe exerts the perfect balance of empathy with a critical edge. He even puts into words the ineffable, by describing the LSD experience with such a close understanding that the reader gets vicariously high. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test captures a serendipitous time of seminal importance in the history of modern Western culture, more accurately and effectively than any other book I have read. This cult classic book has the potential to irreversibly change your perspective on life. Go on, blow your mind! Ben Hammond



Big Brother returns: the pond life strikes back Aaahh, it’s a Bank Holiday! Chuck your books away (well, maybe just hide them at the back of your wardrobe for a bit), get some beers in and hide yourself away from your friends, family and loved ones as you soak up a day of great holiday TV. Then shit your pants in fear when you realise that you’ve been watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (BBC1, Monday 26 May, 8.30pm) instead of revising for your impending exams. Still, if you’re going to fail, then drooling over the delectable (though slightly too wrinkly by this point) Harrison Ford as he runs, jumps, skips and hops through savage lands is as good an excuse as any. Mind you, lust potential aside, the film’s a little shaky. I mean, it rests on the premise that archaeologists are actually dashing adventurers, all shiny muscles and bull whips

rather than grey-haired old gits who enjoy looking at bones and drinking a nice cup of cocoa. And there’s also something about mad Nazis going on (or is that the first film? It’s 2am and my brain’s rather fried) which is nice. So then - get your pyjamas on, pop some popcorn, turn your brain off and enjoy. This Tuesday is, as ever, a pretty poor show for TV. So much so that the best thing on is Cutting It (BBC1, Tuesday 27 May, 9pm). If you’ve not seen it, you should know that it’s like Dallas, only with hairdressers rather than oil barons. Big hair, lots of husband swapping, and rival salons. All topped off by Amanda Holden, who plays the perfectly poisonous Mia to surprisingly good effect. ‘Poor show’ is something of a theme this week, with TOTP2 (BBC2, Wednesday 28 May, 6.20pm) being the only remotely bearable

programme today. Marc Almond will be featured here’s hoping it’s the exquisite, if obvious, choice of Tainted Love - but the main attraction is exCatatonia girl Cerys Matthews, showcasing her new album Cockahoop. Which, logically for the former Britpop duchess, is an album. It’s worth listening just to see what Americana sounds like

Week 1 in a Welsh accent. Dear Lord, Big Brother (S4C, every day, all the fucking time) is back. There are certain myths about this programme, the most bemusing of which is that it is ‘addictive’. It’s not addictive. It takes about a million times more effort to summon up the vaguest flicker of interest in any of the bovine, dull-witted plebs who will inevitably be the

residents of the BB house than to get the fuck up and turn the television off. “But I only watch it when I’m bored,” I hear you bleat. Yeah, well. I flick endlessly through music channels, ponder Anastasia Myskina’s ranking, make CDs for lovely friends and perfect the art of internet timewasting when I’m bored, all of which is infinitely more constructive than this lameass excuse for entertainment. Of course, I’ll swiftly change my tune if by some miracle any of this series’ contestants are remotely fit... but no one’s been so far, so no reason to expect it now. Pull your best rubber pants on on Friday night, as Dario Argento’s cult mentalist horror film Suspiria (S4C, Friday 30 May, 1.30am) is showing. A naïve young Yank girl goes to a strange ballet school in Germany, where her fellow students suddenly start

dropping like particularly unlucky flies; one gets a pane of glass through her face, while another gets slashed to bits by barbed wire. Nasty! All this is accompanied by the most freaky-ass soundtrack you ever did hear - not one for the faint of heart. Only a little bit of space left to say: Stars in Their Eyes Kids: Live Final (ITV1, Saturday 31 May, 6.30pm): paedo heaven! Get in.


May 26 - June 6

Week 2 dead people (‘angel lust’, anyone?) and the odd, unexpected flash of hearttugging emotion; drama when there are eccentric yet wholly human characters thrown into off-kilter situations. Which must surely make SFE the best mix of comedy and drama ever. So make sure you’re sat in front of your television on Sunday night - TV Desk will be checking, and will be forced to beat

good sense into anyone not watching. With a baseball bat. I was rightly chastised by TV Alex for saying nowt about the new series of Big Brother (S4C, Tuesday 3 June, 10pm) in the last issue so I thought I’d put things straight by writing a well thought out riposte to Alex’s ill-informed rantings. Trouble is I kind of agree with the angry pretentious midget on this one, but as I can’t find anything else on to write about, here it goes: I’ve got feeling stirring down in my loins that there may be, just may be, some shagging. Other countries have had fullon rutting and (on the German version) lesbo action. Surely we’re not that reserved as a nation? Surely Channel 4 will put some of the brainless plebs who apply up to some sexual gymnastics? Because that’s what we all want, frankly. What's the point of voyeurism if there’s nothing to be voyeuristic about? And please, please Channel 4, don’t let another Jade Goody be released on an unsuspected public to appear in Heat every week

to talk about her new diet. You’re still fat! You’re still ugly! Oops, seem to be in rant territory here. To recap: watch Big Brother, people might get naked. Naff all worth watching on Wednesday, so we skip merrily on like a schoolgirl with pigtails to Cosmo’s 50 Ways to Please Your Man (five, Thursday 5 June, 11pm). Now being a heterosexual man (TV Steve here, not the mincer) I’m not overly familiar with Cosmo but from what I understand it carries articles like how to “Eat your way to an orgasm” and “Orgasms: are they the point to existence?”. Basically wall to wall orgasms. So it might be interesting to see what they have to say about male sexuality. Or not, being as this is on in the five “trash slot”. My bet is wall to wall blowjobs. But really, ladies, just ask your man what he wants. If he’s a vaguely decent bloke, and it doesn’t involve gimp masks and nipple clamps, I’m sure he’ll ‘do his bit’. Oh, and be sure to watch Later with Jools Holland (BBC2, Friday 6 June, 11.35pm) mainly because the mighty Radiohead are on playing stuff off their new album Hail To The Thief. Fishsticks all round!



384 - but there are plenty more to take their places. Mostly, it has to be said, also Russian: note the elegant exoticism of Anastasia Myskina, above, and 16-yearold jailbait and future number one player Maria Sharapova, on p33. Later on, let things take a turn for the darker with Six Feet Under (S4C, Sunday 1 June, 11pm). Comedy is at its best when it’s peddling pitchblack wit, mordant jokes about


Football is such a rubbish sport. Too many people on the pitch, too little happening between goals, too many ugly men (Alex’s knowledge of football is equal to my knowledge of ballet - TV Steve). Luckily, the French Open is on hand to save all those who prefer a more sophisticated sport with Tennis from Roland Garros (BBC1, Saturday 31 May, 3.30pm; BBC2, Sunday 1 June, 4pm). There’ll be claycourt artistry, seesawing tension (and oh, how TV Desk

loves seesawing tension) and on- and off-court dramatics in spades. It’s the last major one-on-one sport, and as everyone sensible knows, individual sports are inherently superior to team efforts: more pressure, more drama and ultimately more glory. As of now, Andre Agassi (bald; just got Steffi Graf pregnant again) and Juan Carlos Ferrero (fucking gorgeous) appear to be leading the male challenge, while TV Desk is torn between Justine Henin-Hardenne (killer backhand) and Serena Williams (friend of Jay-Z) on the women’s side. The bad news is, of course, the withdrawal of the top totty Russia’s Marat Safin and Anna Kournikova, the latter mysteriously ‘injured’ one week after losing to the world no




Monday 26 May BBC1



6.00 Breakfast 9.00 'Allo 'Allo! 9.30 Animal Park 10.30 FILM: Splash 12.15 Can Westlife Cut It? 1.00 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 1.30 Call My Bluff 2.00 Lenny's Big Amazon Adventure 3.00 FILM: The Prince of Egypt Mad-eyed nutjob Ralph Fiennes does the voice of the mad-eyed, nutjob Pharoah of Egypt in this Disneytrouncing version of the Moses myth. Did anyone see old Ralphy in Maid In Manhattan? Email me and let me know if his cold, dead-eyed stare made you cack your pants. I only saw the trailer and I had to get counselling. 4.30 BBC News; Weather; Regional News 4.55 FILM: The Man in the Iron Mask Celebrities we’d like to weld into inescapable iron masks: “Vanessa Feltz. That should stop her eating, the big fat Jabba” - Music Andy, “Features and Games Desk” - The treacherous Arts and Film desks gang up on their co-workers. And mine? Claire “The” Sweeney. The puffy-faced Liverpudlian cnuts. Grr! 7.00 Bargain Hunt 7.30 What Are We Like? 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 FILM: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade 10.30 BBC News 10.50 The Sitcom Story 11.50 FILM: Carry On Again, Doctor 1.25 BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Play and the Social World 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC: Rotten Ralph 7.00 Serious Jungle 7.30 TazMania 7.50 Misery Guts 8.15 Tom and Jerry Kids 8.40 The Scooby, Scrappy and Yabba Doo Show 9.00 SLUK! Wild in Your Garden 9.25 Chucklevision 9.45 Snailsbury Tales 10.00 CBeebies: Tweenies 10.20 Balamory 10.40 Clifford the Big Red Dog 11.00 FILM: The Password Is Courage 12.50 FILM: 55 Days at Peking 3.20 The Great Manchester Run 4.20 FILM: The Halls of Montezuma 6.10 Miss Marple: 4.50 from Paddington 8.00 Wild in Your Garden With Bill Oddie 8.30 Bill Oddie's Best of British... 9.00 Paul and Pauline Calf's Cheese and Ham Sandwich Mmm... I could really go for one of them right now. 9.30 Early Doors 10.00 The Fight: Bovey v Gervais Place your bets now! Odds-on favourite is Gervais, mainly because this is a repeat and he’s already won it. The excitement’s faded somewhat, hasn’t it? 11.00 Wild in Your Garden - With Bill Oddie 11.40 Marilyn on Marilyn. 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 10.00 Trisha 11.00 FILM: 20,000 Leagues under the Sea 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.40 HTV News and Weather 12.50 FILM: 20,000 Leagues under the Sea 1.45 Soccer Special 2.15 Reality Bites 2.45 FILM: For Whom the Bell Tolls 5.35 Catchphrase Have you noticed they’re run out of proper catchphrases now? 6.05 HTV News 6.15 ITV Evening News 6.30 Emmerdale 7.00 Home on Their Own 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Bruce Forsyth's Play Your Cards Right 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 The Vice 10.30 ITV News 10.45 TV's Naughtiest Blunders 4 God, more? How many times can you laugh at the Emmerdale cast saying “wank”? Apparently hundreds if you’re an ITV viewer, the cunts. The words lowest, common and denominator spring to mind. 11.45 Nationwide League Division One Play-off Final 12.50 Champions League Weekly 1.20 Strictly Soho 1.45 Today with Des and Mel 2.35 Wish You Were Here...? 3.00 Painting the Stars 3.25 Ghost Stories 3.45 Entertainment Now! 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News



6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Trading Up 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 50/50 4.35 SLUK! Wild in Your Garden 5.00 Really Wild Show 5.25 Newsround Topical news magazine for children. 5.35 Neighbours Susan comes to accept Libby's decision to move to the country. Soap-watching men of the world despair! Now you’re left with only Steph “Butch Femme” Scully for wank fodder. What’ll you do now, eh? 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Bargain Hunt Live 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Cutting It 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Tabloid Tales: Paul Burrell 11.45 Boxing 1.20 Sign Zone 4.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 CBBC 10.00 CBeebies11.50 Trade Secrets 12.00 Butterflies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Storyteller 1.25 Great Speeches 1.40 FILM: Only the Valiant 3.20 BBC News3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.25 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.10 International Football: USA v Wales 8.00 Wild in Your Garden With Bill Oddie 8.30 Bill Oddie's Best of British... 9.00 The Race for Everest 10.00 Velvet Soup 10.30 Newsnight With Jeremy Paxman. 11.20 Wild in Your Garden - With Bill Oddie 12.00 BBC Four on Two12.30 BBC Learning Zone Today’s fun game in the media penthouse: what will the shredder shred? Items successfully reduced to handy strips so far: a CD, a mousemat, TV Alex’s face (in print form only, sadly.)

FILM: Raging Bull S4C 1.20am

FILM: The Piano S4C 3.10am



6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Planed Plant: Hotel Eddie 9.45 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 10.44 Alternative Schedule 10.45 Cricket: First Test: England v Zimbabwe 12.50 The Lunch Break 1.25 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 4.15 Cricket: First Test: England v Zimbabwe 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 7.45 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Big Brother Live 11.05 V Graham Norton 11.45 Big Brother Live 1.20 Will and Grace 1.44 Alternative Schedule 1.45 Today at the Test: England v Zimbabwe 2.10 Secret History 3.10 FILM: The Piano Ah, a classic film that divides the genders. Women generally love it, men tend to think it’s a bag of artsy wank. And in many ways, they’re right.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 The World's Most Dangerous Magic 2.30 FILM: Hanover Street 4.30 Open House Special: George Best 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Britain's Worst Driver 8.00 Fifth Gear: Car Chases 8.30 Be a Grand Prix Driver 9.00 FILM: Internal Affairs 11.15 99 Things to Do before You Die 12.15 US PGA Tour Golf 1.05 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 1.55 Motorsport Mundial 2.20 Snocross 2.45 Five Football Replay: Liverpool v Kosice 4.25 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v PSV Eindhoven




6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Reality Bites 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Engie Benjy 3.55 The Angry Beavers 4.30 Girls in Love 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed! 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Summer on Gower 8.00 Holiday Airline 8.30 Home on Their Own Will people never learn? Stupid parents (brain-dead Essexers, I bet) allow their stupid snotnosed little brats to redecorate the entire house. You just know the revolting little fuckers are going to have a hamburger and chips dispenser installed and some kind of device for firing water pistols or repelling bath water or something. Worse still, it’s presented by that anorexic bitch who’s marrying Manc gobshite Vernon Kay. WHY?! 9.00 The Vice 10.00 ITV News 10.30 Wales This Week 11.00 Crossing Jordan 12.00 Brian's Boyfriends 12.25 Classic Albums 1.15 Trisha 2.15 Ghost Stories 2.35 World Sport 3.00 ITV at the Festivals 3.55 ITV Nightscreen

7.00 Y Clwb Pel-Droed Rhyngwladol: UDA v Cymru 9.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 9.20 Planed Plant: Hotel Eddie 10.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.55 Battle of the X-Planes 11.55 Self Portraits UK 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Pet Rescue 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Sioe Fideo 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Dudley 10.00 Big Brother 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Triongl 11.55 The Clinic12.25 NYPD Blue 1.20 FILM: Raging Bull “Is it about farming?” - A baffled office legend Charlie confuses boxing and agriculture. Well, we’ve all done it. Haven’t we? 3.35 Copa Libertadores This week, TV Desk (and indeed the entire paper) hates fellow student paper The Steel Press, Sheffield Uni’s rag, which dedicated its middle pages to slagging off a selection of other student papers - including us. We’ve been declared..................

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Anne Tyler's Saint Maybe 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 The Hindenburg Mystery: Revealed 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 Boomtown 10.50 Iceman: Confessions of a Mafia Hitman 11.55 Shock Video 12.25 Indianapolis 500 1.10 NHL Ice Hockey Live: Stanley Cup Game One 4.30 Major League Soccer: LA Galaxy v Kansas City Wizards ... “rubbish, utterly rubbish” and had our media awards dismissed as a “self-serving evening of mutual backslapping”. In the spirit of academic harmony, I’m resisting the urge to say “fuck you up your stupid ass”. Hey guys, why can’t we all just get along?

Tuesday 27 May


Wednesday 28 May BBC2


6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Trading Up 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Mummy 4.35 SLUK! Wild in Your Garden 5.00 Blue Peter Live from the house of a viewer who didn't know until today! Darius performs his latest single. Shit, if the perma-smiling BP fuckers came round to mine without warning - especially if they had Darius in tow - they’d get a bullet in the head. Yes, TV Desk is one of those Tory farmer cnuts who shoot burglars in disguise. Rar. 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Bargain Hunt Live 7.30 FILM: Six Days, Seven Nights Anne Heche is fitter than Harrison Ford in this. And she is not very fit. 9.00 Crimewatch UK 9.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10.00 News 10.35 Belonging 11.05 Crimewatch UK Update 11.15 FILM: Knock Off 12.45 FILM: The Lottery 2.15 Sign Zone: Panorama 3.15 Sign Zone: Tabloid Tales 3.55 Sign Zone: Bailiffs 4.25 Sign Zone: Changing Rooms 4.55 Joins BBC News 24 “We are like Marilyn Manson, for sure” - Julia Volkova of tATu.

6.00 Open University: The Founding of the Royal Society 6.30 CBeebies 6.50 CBBC 10.00 CBeebies 11.50 FILM: This Land Is Mine 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: Action in Arabia 3.10 Hall of Fame 3.20 News 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Featured artists include Odyssey, Small Faces, Marc Almond and Gene Pitney, and Cerys Matthews. Ooh, Cerys. She’s always worth a look. 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Rubbish! 8.00 Wild in Your Garden - With Bill Oddie 8.30 Bill Oddie's Best of British... 9.00 Apply Immediately With 29-year-old salesman Pierre South who has decided to try and become a journalist before life passes him by. Then he’ll find that life passes him by all the same. 9.50 Mr and Mrs: The Wrights 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Wild in Your Garden - With Bill Oddie 12.00 BBC Four on Two: Curb Your Enthusiasm 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University 1.00 What's Right for Children? Regular beatings to keep them in line. 1.30 Open Advice 2.00 Secondary Schools: PSHE: Job Bank 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism: In Europe

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Reality Bites 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah “Not as good as Teletubbies” - Music Desk. 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.30 The Worst Witch 5.00 Crossroads Angel tells Joe that she will neither forgive nor forget him. That’s not very holy, is it now? Seems like this particular angel is in need of some more bible study, hmm? 5.30 You've Been Framed! 6.00 News 7.00 Coronation Street 7.30 Champions League Live: AC Milan v Juventus “I’d rather watch paint dry” - Sports Desk. TV Desk heartily agrees. Football is such a shit sport. Nothing ever happens in it. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Dragnet 11.20 Bob Hope 100th Birthday Celebration: FILM: Road to Morocco 12.55 FILM: Last Light 2.40 Trisha 3.35 World Football 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Nooo. TV Desk’s favourite Russian tennis player, the delectable Anastasia Myskina, has just slumped to a straight sets defeat in Strasbourg. TV Desk is distraught and unable to cope.



6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Everest Live 10.30 Animal Park 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Trading Up 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Balamory 3.45 Arthur 4.10 All or Nothing 4.35 SLUK! Wild in Your Garden Wow. Thought that said SLUT for a second... ah, if only. CBBC Sluts - sounds like Features Editor Tristan’s sort of programme. 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Bargain Hunt Live 7.30 EastEnders Vicki is given a devastating blow by Sharon. Gus gives in to Ricky. This has to be the best double-headed ‘fnarr!’ EVER. Respect, EastEnders! 8.00 Rogue Traders: Builders 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 Shops, Robbers and Videotape Mmm, definite sexual potential. Depends what kind of shop it is, though. Wouldn’t fancy anything in, for example, Oxfam. 10.00 News 10.35 FILM: The Relic 12.25 FILM: Critters 1.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Informer, Eduquer, Divertir? 6.30 CBeebies 6.50 CBBC 10.00 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Great Speeches 1.15 FILM: That's Entertainment, Part 2 3.20 News 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 The Swagman from Wales: The Journey 8.00 Wild in Your Garden - With Bill Oddie 8.30 Bill Oddie's Best of British... 9.00 Horizon 9.50 I'll Show Them Who's Boss 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Wild in Your Garden - With Bill Oddie 12.00 Curb Your Enthusiasm 12.30 Open Science: Rough Science 1.05 Hollywood Science 1.15 Background Brief - Frying or Freezing? “Frying” - Music Andy. 1.30 Uncertain Principles 2.00 Open Advice 2.30 First Steps to Autonomy 3.00 Accumulating Years and Wisdom 3.30 Curriculum Development 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working in Travel and Tourism

Boohbah ITV1 3.15pm

FILM: Six Days, Seven Nights BBC1 7.30pm



6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Planed Plant: Byd Bach Bedwyr 9.20 Planed Plant: Hotel Eddie 10.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.55 Battle of the X-Planes 11.55 Self Portraits UK 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Pet Rescue 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Location, Location, Location 10.00 Big Brother Live 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Brookside After failing to win Gabby back following several attempts, Gary tries to take the bull by the horns. Fnarr! 12.40 Big Brother 1.40 The People's Book of Records 2.10 Desert Darlings 3.10 A Bit of Oriental TV Desk recommends Audition, and especially its gorgeous (and amazingly imaginative) female protagonist. Mmm, cheese-wire! 3.35 Copa Libertadores

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Columbo: The Conspirators 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Kirsty's new life with Kane turns out to be hard. Fnarr! 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 House Doctor 8.00 FILM: Sphere 10.35 FILM: Hard Times TV Desk likes hard times. In the sense of following on from the listing above, obviously. Not in the poverty sense. 12.25 European Seniors Golf: AIB Irish Seniors Open 1.15 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v FC Utrecht 2.45 Argentinian Football: River Plate v Banfield 4.20 Motorsport Mundial 4.45 Australian Rules Football 5.35 Fastrax




6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 News 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Reality Bites 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Engie Benjy 3.55 Sitting Ducks 4.05 Art Attack Tracey Emin coming atcha with a machete and a knife. 4.30 Black Hole High 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed! 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Bad Girls Snowball has another escape plan up her sleeve. TV Desk suggests rolling away down a hill. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Club Reps: The Workers 11.00 Barry Welsh Is Coming And this pile of wank is the grim result. 11.30 The Pop Factory 12.00 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Qualifying 1.15 Now and Again 2.00 Hardcore Candy: What to do in Whistler I’ve been to Whistler! Unfortunately, I didn’t see any hardcore candy, but then I was a very innocent 13-year-old. 2.25 Cybernet 2.50 Trisha 3.45 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Jesus, this office is damp. TV Desk’s rheumatism is actually playing up, though Nurofen is doing sterling work. Bless those people.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Planed Plant: Noc Noc 10.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.55 Magnetic Flip 11.55 Human Signs 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Pet Rescue 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Friends 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Tipyn O Stad 10.00 Big Brother Live 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Lolipop 11.45 Frasier 12.15 Big Brother Live 1.20 Queer as 18th Century Folk X-rated action from the court of Charles II, one hopes. Those wigs had definite potential. 2.20 Blood under the Carpet 3.20 Copa Libertadores I have been forced to take out some rather crude comments about the behaviour of certain members of g.r. Unusual though this is, as everything else seems to go. However, now I have been left the awesomely tedious task of filling in the dirty great gap such a move has left. And it is 4 o’clock in the morning,and I would really much rather be at home with half a bottle of Nightnurse. And the moral to the tale? Never do the right thing. It is boring and shit.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh Nasty scat scenes ahoy. 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: Miracle on Interstate 880 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Cat receives a visit from the environmental health department. What, not the RSPCA? 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 FILM: Shining 10.30 FILM: The Mechanic With Charles Bronson and JanMichael Vincent. Isn’t the first one a murderer? Oh no, that’s Charles Manson. 12.30 Boxing: Fight of the Week This week, TV Desk would like to see: Enrique Iglesias vs. Ricky Martin. No hands, cocks only! 12.55 NHL Ice Hockey Live: Stanley Cup Game Two 3.55 Five Football Replay: Leeds United v Celtic “They’re not playing” - Sports Desk. Yes they are. five says so. Oh, it’s a repeat. 5.10 Argentinian Football Highlights

Thursday 29 May







Friday 30 May BBC1



6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Animal Park 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Trading Up 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Tweenies 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.35 SLUK! Wild in Your Garden 5.00 Serious Jungle 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Bargain Hunt Live 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 My Family 9.00 The Big Impression 9.30 Have I Got News for You With boggly-eyed but still strangely damned attractive Martin Freeman from The Office. Mmm... yummy. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross 11.25 FILM: Chippendales: Just Can't Get Enough Gasp! A film about the Chippendales! Oily men with muscles like sides of beef abound. Woo! 1.00 FILM: The Players Club 2.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Biosphere 2 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 CBBC 10.00 CBeebies 11.50 Trade Secrets 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Butterflies 1.30 FILM: Follow the Fleet 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars Extreme II 7.30 Gardening with the Experts 8.00 Wild in Your Garden With Bill Oddie 8.30 Gardeners' World 9.00 Cambridge Spies 10.00 The Thin Blue Line 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Later with Jools Holland With Stereophonics (Welsh fucks), the Dandy Warhols (“fishy demon fucks” - TV Steve), the Blind Boys of Alabama (visually impaired fucks), Vivian Green (which fuck?), John Cale (legendary fuck), and Savara Nazarkhan (amazingly named fuck). 12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.15 FILM: Junior Bonner Gutted. Thought this was called ‘Junior Boner’, thus necessitating a fnarr. Oh well. 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Special Education: Hands Up!

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Reality Bites 2.30 Inspirations 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 As Told by Ginger 4.30 Globo Loco 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 You've Been Framed! 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Midsomer Murders 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.00 After They Were Famous Including ex-Wurzel Tony Bayliss. He’s got a brandnew combine harvester, you know. And, if you’re really lucky, he might just give you the key. And maybe a pint of Wilkin’s Farmhouse Cider and a bag of pork scratchings. And then he might try and grope you behind the apple sheds, after revealing he’s your half-brother. Or is that just my fantasy? 11.35 The Only Way Is Up 12.05 FILM: Coogan's Bluff 1.45 Forever 2.45 Entertainment Now! 3.10 Today with Des and Mel 4.00 World Football 4.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News



6.00 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.20 Pingu 6.25 CBBC 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 BBC News; Weather 12.10 Grandstand 12.15 Rugby: Zurich Wildcard Final: Leicester v Saracens 2.30 Rowing 3.30 Tennis FUCK TENNIS. FUCK IT UP ITS STUPID ASS. </Kevin Smith> 5.15 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 5.35 I'd Do Anything 6.30 Just for Laughs 7.00 The Vicar of Dibley 7.30 The National Lottery: In It to Win It 8.15 Casualty 9.05 Strange Praise be to the gods on fucking high! Last year’s pilot for this show was a bona fide cracker, despite Samantha (J)anus’s somewhat whining presence. Coupling’s Scary Jeff, otherwise known as sexy-as-hell Richard Coyle, has a starring role and therefore, this is essential viewing. 10.05 BBC News; Weather 10.25 Bob Hope at 10011.25 Golf Highlights12.00 Boxing 1.30 FILM: Tunnel Vision 3.05 Friday Night with Jonathan Ross

6.00 Weekend 24 9.00 Weekend with Rod Liddle and Kate Silverton 10.00 Saturday Kitchen 11.30 Ever Wondered about Food? 12.00 See Hear 12.45 Trade Secrets 12.55 Living Famously 1.55 Watching the Detectives: Monk 2.40 Scrum V Live: Wales v Barbarians 5.00 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em A “classic” apparently. Jesus, if I wanted to watch a grown man act like a spastic, I’d stay in the GR office and watch Riath. 5.30 Treasure Hunt 6.20 The Great War: Why Don't you Come and Help? I think it might be a weeny bit late now, don’t you? 7.00 St Petersburg 300th Anniversary Gala 9.05 FILM: Boys Don't Cry They do if you pluck all the hairs out of their nads. And I happen to know this is factually true. 10.55 Have I Got News for You 11.25 Early Doors 11.55 Rugby Special 12.50 I Love 1970 1.45 FILM: The Hitch-Hiker 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision

FILM: Alien Resurrection ITV1 10.20pm

After They Were Famous ITV1 11pm



6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 10.00 Little House on the Prairie 10.55 The Ascent of Mars Mountain 11.55 Human Signs 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Pet Rescue 1.00 Fifteen to One 1.30 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Pyls 7.00 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Big Brother 10.00 Big Brother Ahhh, all’s right with the world. As long as this year’s contestants are pleasingly arrogant and attention-seeking, I’ll have a reason to stay in every Friday. Woo! 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.15 ER 12.15 Big Brother Live 1.30 FILM: Suspiria 3.40 Brazilian Football Championship 2003

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 Toyota World of Wildlife 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Streets of San Francisco 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Brock's Last Case 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 FILM: Universal Soldier: The Return 10.40 FILM: Damien's Seed 12.30 Animatrix: Second Renaissance 12.40 FILM: Selena 2.45 FILM: Another Woman 4.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.15 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 The Love Boat 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters




6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 HTV News and Weather 12.40 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Qualifying Live 2.15 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 3.15 FILM: Support Your Local Gunfighter 5.00 HTV News 5.15 ITV News 5.30 Blind Date 6.30 Stars in Their Eyes Kids Live Final 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.05 Stars in Their Eyes Kids Live Final: The Result 9.20 MIT 10.20 FILM: Alien Resurrection Hmm... scriptpolished by God of All Things Sci-Fi Joss Whedon and directed by Amélie helmer JeanPierre Jeunet. This should be good, but office opinions suggests it may well be steaming horse doo-doo. “Fucking bollocks” says TV Steve, vehemently, “The alien in this looks like a giant turd”. Oh well. Might be better than having a phallic protuberence burst from your chest. Just. 11.10 ITV Weekend News 11.25 FILM: Alien Resurrection 12.30 FILM: Mississippi Burning 2.40 CD:UK 3.30 Entertainment Now! 4.00 ITV at the Festivals 2002 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.30 GT on 4 7.00 F3 on 4 7.30 Trans World Sport 8.30 Cricket Show 9.00 The Morning Line 9.55 Vee-TV 10.25 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 11.15 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 12.00 The Peterloo Massacre 1.30 Channel 4 attheraces from Newmarket, Windsor and Musselburgh 4.00 Castle 5.00 Mary Archer: My Life with Jeffrey 6.00 Newyddion a Chwaraeon 6.15 Tipyn O Stad 6.45 Eisteddfod Yr Urdd Tawe, Nedd ac Afan 2003 10.00 Big Brother 10.30 FILM: Striptease Shock, horror, and indeed, awe! Demi Moore gets her surgicallyenchanced boobies out. Did you ever think how embarrassed your children would be, madam? It’s back to TV Steve (who appears to be masquerading as Film Desk at the moment) for the definitive verdict: “Piss poor. Demi’s got great tits, but she doesn’t get the old furry friend out. If there ain’t no muff, it ain’t worth guff, I always say.” Well, quite. What a charming boy he is. 12.40 Big Brother Live 1.40 World Rally 2.05 100 Greatest Movie Stars S4fuckingC are a week late, as fucking ever. Bloody hell, what’s the point? Everyone’s read the definitive list now, you losers.

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 Wideworld 6.35 Wideworld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.25 Roobarb 8.30 Beyblade 8.55 Dan Dare 9.25 Xcalibur 10.00 Max Steel 10.30 Beast Wars 11.00 The Adventures of Sinbad 11.55 The Tribe 12.55 Popular 1.50 Harry and Cosh Gold 2.20 Daria 2.45 The Smash Hits Chart 3.15 Home and Away Omnibus 5.20 five news and sport 5.30 FILM: Tarzan Goes to India 7.05 Charmed 8.00 Dark Angel 8.50 five news and sport 9.05 CSI: Miami 10.00 Law and Order 11.00 FILM: The Beneficiary 12.50 Animatrix: Second Renaissance 1.00 NHL Ice Hockey Live: Stanley Cup Game Three 4.25 First Wave 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters Space to fill. What to write? Perhaps the horrific news that TV Alex has just expressed his love for Myra Hindley and admiration for Ian Brady’s “intelligence”. He’s really not joking. And this freak is your deputy editor next year... gutted, you poor fooles. Albums you must own: Cat Power, You Are Free; Manitoba, Up In Flames; The Kills, Keep On Your Mean Side; Black Box Recorder, Passionoia. Porn you must own: Five Guy Cream Pie. Niiiiiiiiice!!

Saturday 31 May



Sunday 1 June BBC2


6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 1.00 Dad's Army 1.35 Keeping Up Appearances 2.05 EastEnders 4.00 Points of View 4.15 My Family 4.45 BBC News 5.10 Songs of Praise Fran Godfrey recalls her convent schooldays. Expect lashings of Catholic guilt, sexual repression and fucking with crucifixes. Ooh yes. I know someone who masturbated with a crucifix once; it sounds like a good idea. Shit, the guilt’s coming back. My parents would be very disappointed if they saw this listing. Lucky I’ve had the Hail Mary etched into my brain forever, then. 5.45 Rockface 6.45 Antiques Roadshow 7.30 Ground Force 8.00 Born and Bred 9.00 State of Play 10.00 News 10.15 On Show Cerys Matthews talks about her new solo CD. She’s everywhere this week! 10.45 Golf 11.20 FILM: Ronin Gripping action thriller about an American mercenary who is enlisted as part of an international team to steal a well-protected briefcase before it is sold on to the Russians. Go Russians! “Fucking class car chases and Jean Reno acts De Niro off the screen” - Music Andy. 1.15 The Sky at Night 1.45 Joins BBC News 24

6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 Fix and Foxi 7.05 Fairly Odd Parents 7.30 Smile 10.30 Tom and Jerry Kids 10.50 So Little Time 11.15 Young Indiana Jones Chronicles 12.45 Wildlife On Two 1.15 Sunday Grandstand 1.20 Olympic Dreams 1.40 World Superbikes 3.30 Racing from Chantilly 4.00 Tennis from Roland Garros 5.40 Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em 6.15 Wild in Your Garden - With Bill Oddie 7.15 The Anti-Fat Pill and the Bushman 8.00 Top Gear 9.00 Al Jazeera: Exclusive! 10.00 24 10.45 This Life 11.25 The EMMA Awards This year's Ethnic Multi-Cultural Media Awards. Nominees include Justin Timberlake, Ms Dynamitee-HEE!, the Kumars, Queen Latifah and Eminem. The entire concept stinks of tokenism and cultural segregation, but all the nominees are cool. 12.25 FILM: Shake, Rattle and Rock A hip disc jockey attempts to open a music club for underprivileged kids but runs into strong opposition from their conservative parents, who see rock music as a menace to society. It’s my parents! 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision 4.00 Languages 5.00 Working in Hospitality: The Guide

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Big Bang 9.45 Brilliant Creatures 10.05 Art Attack 10.30 How II 10.50 My Favourite Hymns 11.50 News 12.05 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Live 3.10 IRB Rugby World Sevens 4.00 British Touring Cars 5.00 News 5.15 Best Ever You've Been Framed Surely this is a contradiction in terms? Lisa “Jabba in arms with Vanessa Feltz” Riley must die preferably during a freak liposuction accident. Though it could be argued that she is already a freak liposuction accident. 6.15 Urdd Eisteddfod 2003 6.45 News 7.00 Emmerdale Cain and Charity come to blows over Debbie. Fnarr! 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Royal Nostalgic 9.00 The Forsyte Saga 10.30 The Classical Brit Awards 2003 With performances from Cecilia Bartoli, Andrea Bocelli and Bryn Terfel. Cecilia possesses a truly stunning voice, but TV Desk doesn’t rate the others as highly. This sort of show has a tendency to go all classical-lite on our asses, which is never good. 11.15 News 11.30 The Classical Brit Awards 2003 12.00 F1 1.00 Hollywood's Need for Speed 1.55 Trisha 2.50 Ghost Stories 3.10 Cybernet 3.35 World Sport 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News



6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 The Coronation: Celebrating the 50th Anniversary 12.30 Bargain Hunt 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Bob the Builder 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.35 Lizzie McGuire 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Max can't stop thinking about Steph. Covered in motorcycle oils and being ass-fucked by Boyd, while Boyd is fisted by Summer. “Oh yeah! Yeah baby! Yeah oh yeah! I’m coming! Wooo hah!” - TV Amy. 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Holiday: You Call the Shots 7.30 X Ray 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Bargain Hunt 9.00 Spooks 10.00 News 10.35 Life Matters: Rod Richards: The Road from Ruin 11.05 The Jasper Carrott Trial 11.35 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Stupid Punts 12.05 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Adam and Joe Go Tokyo 12.35 BBC Three Highlights on BBC One: Re:covered 1.10 FILM: Double Jeopardy 2.40 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Musical Prodigies? 6.30 CBeebies 6.50 CBBC 8.30 CBeebies 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 FILM: Double Dynamite 2.50 Escape to the Country 3.20 News 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 The New Adventures of Superman 7.30 Gardening with the Experts 8.00 University Challenge: The Professionals 8.30 Britain's Best Buildings 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With Lauren Laverne! What a goddess she is. 9.30 Early Doors 10.00 Guess Who's Coming to Dinner 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Mission to Mars 12.25 The Witness 12.30 Open University: The Dangers of Powerful Neighbours 1.00 Following a Score 1.30 Modernist Primitivism 2.00 Secondary Schools: English The Animated Epics 4.00 Languages: Talk Spanish 1-4 5.00 Working in Hospitality: Customer Care and Teamwork

Never Mind The Buzzcocks BBC2 9pm



6.20 The Hoobs 6.45 Blue's Clues 7.15 Totally Spies! 7.40 Taina 8.05 To Be Announced 9.05 Dirty Laundry 9.35 As If 10.35 Hollyoaks 11.05 Stargate SG-1 12.00 Sioe Fideo Huw Stephens 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 2.00 Hollyoaks 3.00 Hillary on Everest 4.30 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 5.30 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws 7.30 Uchafbwyntiau Cystadleuaeth Cor Cymru Wow. Fucking impressive title there. Go on, try to say it. TV Desk dares you. 8.30 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 9.00 Triongl 9.45 Newyddion 10.00 Big Brother 11.00 Six Feet Under “The Best TV Show EVER. Dead people have never been such fun!” - Music Andy. TV Desk tonight, we are Dead People Desk - heartily concedes. Sexy undertakers and pitch black comedy - there’s nothing better. 12.10 To Be Announced 1.10 100 Greatest Movie Stars 3.55 Wham Bam Married Man! Says TV Alex after sex. Possibly. 4.25 KOTV 4.50 Days of Thunder Racing

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 Wideworld 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Babar 9.25 George Shrinks 9.55 Wishbone 10.30 Braceface 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 FAQ 12.00 Revelations 12.35 The Smash Hits Chart 1.10 five news update 1.20 Be a Grand Prix Driver 1.55 Fifth Gear: Car Chases 2.25 FILM: Bingo 4.05 FILM: The Sea Chase 6.15 five news and sport 6.30 Baywatch: Trapped beneath the Sea Too bad they didn’t stay trapped there. 8.00 Life after Baywatch 9.00 FILM: Legionnaire 10.55 The FBI Files 12.00 Animatrix: KID's Story 12.15 This Week in Baseball 12.40 Major League Baseball Live: NY Mets v Atlanta Braves 4.00 Major League Baseball Replay Football’s on the radio. Sounds like it’s being played under a swarm of fucking mutant bees. Speaking of which, I found the biggest spider ever in the bath this morning. Ugh.




6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 Bridezillas 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.30 My Parents Are Aliens 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale Ronnie attempts reconciliation but Frances keeps him in suspenders. Sorry, suspense. 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 The Darling Buds of May 10.00 ITV News 10.30 The Laziest Men in Britain 11.30 Barry Welsh Is Coming 12.00 IRB Rugby World Sevens 1.00 Strictly Soho 1.25 Blur in Profile Cue all-round office approval of one of the greatest British bands around. “My ex-boyfriend used to look like a cross between Damon Albarn and Alex James” - Our Editor, the lucky girl. 1.50 Today with Des and Mel 2.40 Wish You Were Here...? 3.05 Painting the Stars 3.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.55 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News What’s the smallest pub in the world? The Thalidomide Arms.

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Ding Dong 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: To Be Announced 12.50 Mr Men and Little Miss This week, Mr Sucky-Fucky and Little Miss Slutty have fun times together. Ah, the destruction of childish innocence. 12.55 Slici a Slac 1.15 Full Metal Challenge 2.15 The City Gardener 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Troeon Tristan The true story of how one inbred Devonian retard escaped the incestuous clutches of his family to rise to the dizzy heights of gair rhydd Features Editor. 4.15 Planed Plant: Mas Draw 4.30 Planed Plant: Torri Bol 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks Ooh, I saw someone fit on this the other night. Whoever plays Dan fwooar! 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Glan Llyn 8.30 Gwyl y Bwyellwyr 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio 10.30 Big Brother Live 11.00 V Graham Norton 11.40 The Sopranos 12.40 Big Brother Live 1.40 Will and Grace 2.05 Copa Libertadores 4.00 Ysgolion/Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Coronation Britain 3.35 FILM: Lucky Day 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 Angel 8.55 five news update 9.00 FILM: Chill Factor “The original’s brilliant, but seeing as this is the remake...” - Film Desk, possibly talking out of its arse. 11.05 99 Things to Do before You Die 11.35 99 Things to Do before You Die 12.05 Animatrix: World Record 12.20 US PGA Golf 1.05 NHL Ice Hockey Live: Stanley Cup Game Four 4.30 Dutch Football: PSV Eindhoven v Utrecht This week, TV Desk loves: Annika Sorenstam, blazing herstory as we speak; 2+2=5 by Radiohead, a superlative explosion of agitrock; Ian McKellen’s chat-up lines. TV Desk hates: football, revision, the permanent state of wetness in the weather, and Donald Rumsfeld.

Monday 2 June



Tennis from Roland Garros BBC2 4pm




Tuesday 3 June BBC1



6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Tikkabilla 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 50/50 4.35 Ace Lightning 5.00 Really Wild Show 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Boyd faces social death. Social death? Did he get caught putting his finger in a cat’s bum? 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 To Catch a Thief 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Cutting It 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Tabloid Tales: Anthea Turner 11.45 Match of the Day: England v Serbia and Montenegro. More ‘high class’ opponents for England’s key players to get injured against. 12.25 FILM: Man Utd: Beyond the Promised Land Documentary about Man U’s 1999 season. One word: scum. 2.05 Get a New Life 3.05 Horizon 3.55 Britain's Oldest Mums 4.45 Joins BBC

6.00 Open University: Looking for Hinduism in Calcutta 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC: Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.00 Blue Peter 7.30 Taz-Mania 7.50 Lizzie McGuire 8.15 Fix and Foxi 8.30 CBeebies: Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Brum 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Pingu 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 BBC Primary Geography 11.10 Let's Write a Story 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Pathways of Belief: Christianity 1.15 Watch 1.30 Living Famously 2.30 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News and Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 Fastmoving music show 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Your Money or Your Life 8.00 Battle of the Atlantic: Grey Wolves 8.50 What the Victorians Did for Us: Science 9.00 Get a New Life 10.00 Velvet Soup 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Mission to Mars 12.20 The Witness 12.30 My Favourite Things 1.00 Water Is for Fighting Over 1.30 Matisse and the Problem of Expression 2.00 Chaucer in Middle English

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Tractor Tom 3.55 The Angry Beavers 4.30 Girls in Love 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Who wants to think of a better scam than a stupid Army major and some bloke with Wales’ most stupid name.I’m thinking colour coded hankerchiefs... “Isn’t that a gay thing?” - Homo Desk. 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Summer on Gower 8.00 Holiday Airline 8.30 Home on Their Own 9.00 The Vice 10.00 ITV News 10.30 Wales This Week 11.00 Crossing Jordan Is done at your peril, she’ll crush you with her baps. Mmm... not a bad way to go. 12.00 Brian's Boyfriends The many gay lovers of British shouty actor guy, Brian Blessed. 12.25 Classic Albums 1.20 World Sport 1.45 F1: Monaco Grand Prix Replayed 4.35 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News



6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 The Mummy 4.35 CBBC Winner Stays On 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Gino moves in with Harold. He’s really hit rock bottom now his pizza and ice cream empire has collapsed. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Britain's Cleverest Animal Pubic lice, they know all the best places to hang out. 8.00 Only Fools and Horses 9.25 Traffic Cops: Dead End 9.55 The National Lottery 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Belonging 11.05 FILM: Vampire in Brooklyn 12.45 FILM: The Dark 2.10 Tabloid Tales 2.50 Bailiffs 3.20 Changing Rooms

6.00 Open University: Talking Buildings 6.30 CBeebies: Fimbles 6.50 CBBC: Anthony Ant 7.00 50/50 7.30 Evolution: The Animated Series 7.50 Galidor: Defenders of the Outer Dimension 8.15 Fix and Foxi 8.30 CBeebies: Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Boo 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Pingu 10.25 Teletubbies 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 1.00 Storyteller 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 FILM: The HalfBreed 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Regional News; Weather 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Ryanair's Cut-Price Route to Riches 8.00 HomeFront 9.00 Apply Immediately 9.50 Mr and Mrs 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Dead in the Water 12.30 Open Advice - A Meeting of Minds 1.00 The Battle for Congress 1.45 Personal Passions 2.00 The Animated Tales Languages: Spain Inside Out

FILM: That’ll Be The Day ITV1 11.20pm

Match of the Day: England v Serbia and Montenegro BBC1 11.45pm



6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Caleb 12.40 Planed Plant Bach: Caffi Sali Mali 12.55 Planed Plant Bach: Plismon Puw 1.15 Fifteen to One 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Ty Gwenno 4.30 Planed Plant: Popty Ail Olygu 2003 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother And so it begins... 6.30 Hollyoaks Shite. 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion News. 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Porc Peis Bach 9.00 Selling Houses 9.30 Location, Location, Location 10.00 Big Brother 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Triongl 11.55 The Clinic 12.25 Big Brother Live 1.25 NYPD Blue 2.20 Terror in Moscow 4.00 Ysgolion/Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 House Doctor - Ann Maurice in San Francisco 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: Baby Brokers 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 The Negotiator 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 10.50 Cosmo's 50 Ways to Please Your Woman 12.25 La Femme Nikita 1.10 Boxing: Fight of the Week 2.00 NASCAR Busch Series Motor Racing 2.50 AMA Motocross 4.20 Chicago Fire v San Jose Earthquakes




6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 SpongeBob SquarePants 4.30 The Worst Witch 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter “I’m gonna stick my thumb up its butt-hole now..” 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Deirdre makes a discovery about Tracy's new man - but there is a bigger shock in store. Fuckola fnarr!!! 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Neighbours from Hell 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Dragnet Spin-off from the ace film with Tom Hanks in it I think. Which came out decades ago! That’s the sound of the barrel being scraped methinketh. 11.20 FILM: That'll Be the Day With David Essex and Ringo Starr. A twin strikeforce of cunts! 1.00 The Machine 1.35 Today with Des and Mel 2.15 Trisha 3.10 Ghost Stories 3.30 World Football 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Teletubbies 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Caio 1.05 Planed Plant Bach: Miffi 1.15 Fifteen to One 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Cawl Potsh 4.40 Planed Plant: Sgorio Bach 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks Toby and his mum plan a surprise for Ellie. Incestuous threesome? Brookside probably would. 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Y Pla Gwyn Documentary recounting the story of tuberculosis in Wales. High octane, thrill-a-minute viewing on S4C tonight. 9.30 Y Byd ar Bedwar A 24 hour sheep shearing telethon. The money raised will go towards a postage stamp so the Assembly can ask the lottery for more money to build good things. 10.00 Big Brother Live 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.10 Brookside 12.40 Big Brother 1.45 The People's Book of Records

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 House Doctor - Ann Maurice in Mexico 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: Not Our Son 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 Diana: The Night She Died What was the last thing to go through Diana’s head before she died? The car stereo. Not that I think it’s ‘cool’ or ‘trendy’ to mock dead people. Rest assured that I hate all members of the Royal family equally, living or dead. It’s a lot easier to hate the living though. 9.00 FILM: Southern Comfort 11.05 Real Sex 12.00 Dutch Football 1.40 Argentinian Football Highlights 4.10 Motorsport Mundial 4.45 Australian Rules Football Worst faux pas of the evening pour moi. I asked our Ed. whether I could “put one in the oven, mum”. Oh dear.

Wednesday 4 June



Thursday 5 June BBC2


6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Balamory 3.45 CBBC: Arthur 4.10 All or Nothing 4.35 Viva S Club 5.00 Short Change 5.25 Newsround Topical 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 EastEnders Martin witnesses a dangerous liaison. A demon fishmonger and his catch. 8.00 Rogue Traders 8.30 Changing Rooms 9.00 Vandals under Surveillance 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Question Time The panellists are Oona King MP (relative MP totty), John Redwood MP (Spock look-a-like Tory plank), Jim Wallace MSP (no clue, miserable Scot would be my guess), writer Muriel Gray (“Might be a lezzer” - Nick) and Alex Salmond MSP (miserable Scot). 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 This Week 12.50 FILM: The Front Page 2.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Independent Living 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 Pocket Dragon Adventures 7.00 Blue Peter 7.30 Taz-Mania 7.50 Ocean Odyssey 8.15 Fix and Foxi 8.30 Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Teletubbies Everywhere 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Watch 10.50 Words and Pictures Plus 11.05 Pod's Mission 11.20 BBC Primary Geography 11.30 Royal Visit Special 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Trade Secrets 1.10 FILM: Blue Skies 2.50 Escape to the Country 3.20 BBC News 3.25 Regional News 3.30 Flog It! 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Simpsons 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 The Swagman from Wales 8.00 The Nation's Favourite Food 8.30 So What Do You Do All Day? 9.00 Kill or Cure 10.00 Porridge 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 15 Storeys High 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.30 Rough Science 1.05 Hollywood Science 1.15 Therapy on Trial 1.30 Apples, Risks and Recriminations 2.20 What Have the 80s Ever Done for Us? to Choose 3.30 Teaching Christianity at KS1 4.00 Spain Inside Out

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Tiny Planets 3.40 Tractor Tom 3.55 Sitting Ducks 4.05 The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius 4.35 Art Attack 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Fishlock's Wild Tracks Another demon fishmonger. My goodness they’re everywhere! 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Bad Girls 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Club Reps 11.00 Barry Welsh Is Coming From Fishguard. The word ‘fish’ seems to be taking over the English language on tonight. Fuck me, that mescaline seems to be kicking in. 11.30 The Pop Factory Where pop comes from. Stoopid. 12.00 Night and Day 1.00 Now and Again 1.45 Hardcore Candy: Free Spirits 2.10 Marc Almond in Profile 2.35 Cybernet 3.00 Trisha 3.55 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News


BBC2 6.00 A Language for Movement 6.30 Fimbles 6.50 Sheeep 7.00 All or Nothing 7.30 Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles 7.50 Round the Twist 8.15 Fix and Foxi 8.30 Little Bear 8.55 Bob the Builder 9.10 Balamory 9.30 Bill and Ben 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 BBC Primary History 10.40 Look and Read 11.00 Megamaths: Tables 11.20 A Fish out of Water 11.40 BBC Primary Geography 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Butterflies 1.30 Racing from Epsom 4.30 Ready Steady Cook 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 7.05 The Night before the Derby 7.30 Gardening with the Experts 8.00 The Flying Gardener 8.30 Gardeners' World 9.00 Cambridge Spies 10.00 The Thin Blue Line 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Later with Jools Holland 12.35 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 1.15 FILM: Pie in the Sky 3.00 Hands Up!

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 City Hospital 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Real Rooms 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Call My Bluff 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Tweenies 3.45 Arthur 4.10 The Scooby and Scrappy Show 4.35 Kerching! 5.00 Serious Jungle 5.25 Newsround Topical 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Gus threatens to leave when he learns Ricky's used more of his poetry to seduce Suzie. Shock horror! The monkey can write! 8.30 My Family 9.00 The Big Impression So shite my arsehole is clenching writing this. Amy’s ‘anal play’ is NOT involved! 9.30 Have I Got News for You 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Friday Night 11.25 FILM: No Escape 1.20 FILM: The Deadly Bees 2.45 Joins BBC News 24

Later with Jools Holland BBC2 11.35pm


Question Time BBC1 10.35pm



6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Bwmp 12.35 Planed Plant Bach: Saith 1.00 Planed Plant Bach: Mistar Morgan 1.15 Fifteen to One 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Noc Noc 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Friends 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Tipyn O Stad 9.00 Cymru Ar Ras 10.00 Big Brother Live 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.15 Frasier 12.20 Big Brother Live 1.25 Today at the Test: England v Zimbabwe 2.10 Secret History 3.10 Copa Libertadores Due to insomnia I’ve been following this. Although the American commentator who speaks one word a minute is proving a good cure. River Plate are my tip, if you’re interested. Probably not.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.35 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 House Doctor - Ann Maurice in Mexico 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.35 FILM: Code Name: Minus One 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Fisher goes to great lengths to make June feel young. Giving her a firm rubbing down with mackerel innards would be my choice. Fish! 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 FILM: Where Eagles Dare 11.00 Cosmo's 50 Ways to Please Your Man 1.“50% of men would prefer some anal play”- TV Amy’s done research. 12.35 NHL Ice Hockey: Stanley Cup Game Five




6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Loose Women 2.00 I Want That House 2.30 Inspirations 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Boohbah 3.35 Hey Arnold! 4.00 As Told by Ginger 4.30 Globo Loco 5.00 The Crocodile Hunter Diaries 5.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 6.00 HTV News Regional news 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 The First Ever Touch of Frost 10.30 ITV Weekend News 11.00 After They Were Famous Featuring stunt legend Eddie Kidd (the new Evel Knievel, then he fell off), the Jam's drummer Rick Buckler (castrated himself on a too-tight pair of drainpipe trousers) and actress Alexandra Bastedo (have you ever been famous?). 11.35 I'm in Charge 12.05 FILM: The Dead Pool 1.45 2001... Forever 2.50 Entertainment Now! 3.15 Today with Des and Mel 4.05 World Football 4.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.55 ITV Nightscreen

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Planed Plant: Your Face or Mine? 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 News at Noon 12.30 Planed Plant Bach: Pot Mel 1.15 Fifteen to One 1.45 A Place in France 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Britain's Best Home 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant: Uned 5 4.50 Planed Plant: Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Big Brother's Little Brother 6.30 Hollyoaks Steph is banished from her own party after turning Lisa's hair green. Ooh, it’s all go today. Whatever next? Mark loses his keys but Tracy finds them down the back of the sofa? Fucking shite. 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Clwb Garddio Pennant visits the highest garden in Wales, 1,400 feet up on a windswept hill above Machynlleth. Well slap my sack and call me Mary. 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 To Be Announced 9.30 Big Brother 10.30 V Graham Norton 11.15 ER 12.15 World Rally 12.45 Big Brother Live 1.55 Today at the Test: England v Zimbabwe 2.40 Trust Me, I'm a Teenager I have tantrums and wank a lot. Still do to be honest. 3.40 Copa Libertadores

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Animal Express 7.00 Hi-5 7.30 Oswald 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 The Book of Pooh 8.30 Barney 9.00 Tickle, Patch and Friends 9.25 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Terry and Gaby Show 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.35 Starsky and Hutch 3.40 FILM: Dead Man's Revenge 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 five news 7.30 Live with... Christian O'Connell 8.00 House Doctor Ann 8.30 Hot Property 9.00 FILM: Last Man Standing 11.00 FILM: Fanny Hill Period drama about a beautiful but naïve young country girl who makes her way to London to seek her fortune. She finds work in a house of ill-repute and falls in love with a young gentleman caller. Knobs her senseless, end of story. 12.40 Trial: the Price of Passion 2.20 Trial: the Price of Passion 3.45 The Love Boat 4.35 Monsters 5.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters 5.35 Sons and Daughters Fish me up big boy!

Friday 6 June



gair rhydd 26 05 03

24 •

Cardiff University Students’ Union Entertainments Proudly Presents

Summer Ball TWO THOUSAND & THREE Sugababes Featuring


East 17 Jean Jaques Smoothie

Björn Again Plus MC Keith Chegwin Plus Casino, Circus Performers, Tattoo Artists & loads more

FRIDAY 13th JUNE Cardiff International Arena 7pm - 2am

Tickets £30.00 adv

available from Students Union Box Office Tel: 029 2078 1458 (no booking fee) or on-line at (subject to booking fee)


gair rhydd features section Free Word 740

26 05 03

Rowing in Roath park, Lake Road, West Roath– situated just north of centre of Cardiff. Rowing boats are for hire. Take a rowing boat and set sail on the park lake. Open dawn to dusk.

Karen Richards goes in search of the places which are a must to visit and fill those post exam days...

Southerndown beach, Dunraven Bay– you might need a car for this one, so get your mates together and visit this fantastic spot. One of the finest beaches and coastline in UK surrounded by high cliffs and known to provide some tasty waves. Best surfed low to mid tide (but not at high-tide).

Museum, Cathays Park– Free admission. Flagship of the national museum and galleries of Wales. Situated in the heart of the city’s splendid centre and is perfectly located. Open 10am-5pm. Tues- Sun. Open bank holiday Mondays.

Cricket in Sophia Gardens– (from our guest sports desk writer) Imagine the quintessential British summer (could I sound anymore Daily Mail?). A perfectly still afternoon, sun beating down on your back and a Sunday afternoon paper resting gently on your lap. And you get to watch cricket as well, which is either a blessing or a negative depending on your views on crafted willow. I’m a guest editor in features, and I think watching cricket is better than sex. Though if you can combine the two you’re in heaven. For about £20 you can get a season ticket. And for about £50 you can get sex. Enjoy.

Barry Island– Activities are centred around sandy Whitmore Bay and adjacent park. The pleasure park has over 50 rides and attractions including the Log flume, Viper ride, Pirate Ship and Galloping Horses . Open everyday during the summer season and weekends. Phone 01446 732844 for details. Entrance to park is free and ride tickets are available from booths in the park.

Football next to the Stadium– Score the winning goal in the Millennium Stadium. Or that is what you will be able to tell your battered friends from home if they’re not too bright. In reality you’ll have played five-aside in Bute Park where you can see the stadium in the distance. It’s still pretty impressive though, and you can laugh at the dog that chases your football. Until it won’t give it up. Then it’s just annoying.

things to do in Cardiff before you graduate

A bit of culture…Castell Coch, near Cardiff- Fairytale couldn’t get more real than this . Romantic folly supposedly reproducing a small medieval Welsh Chieftans stronghold, the ‘red’ castle is worth exploring. The timeless construction in the woods make it a worthwhile visit. 1 April to 1 June . Adult : £3.00. Concession £2.50 Tel: 02920 810101 Clearly sign posted from M4 at Junction 32.

Want to go dancing? Welsh Club/ Club Ifor Bach on a Wednesday night– for some funky dancin’ mid- week, this is the place . ‘Cheesey club’ downstairs, second floor for Brit pop and Indie, and first floor for break and beats. 9pm-2am. Entry £2 before 11pm, £2.50 after with NUS.

We t h e r s p o o n Challenge– A world of booze for next to no money. Arguably. A bit like a day spent in Iceland ‘saving money’ by carefully choosing ‘buy one get one free deals’, you still end up spending a fortune. But who cares? There are five Wetherspoons in the centre of Cardiff, and to complete the challenge you need to drink every speciality beer in every pub. Which means you’ll reach twenty pints by your fourth venue. Each pint costs £1.50 so your total cost should top £40.

Nosh…Meal in the Bay – ‘Buon Appetito’ at the ‘Signor Valentino’ restaurant in Mermaid Quay. This introduces a refreshing experience to the waterside area and captures the beauty of the bay. The balcony is perfect for ‘alfresco’ dining during the summer. Mon- Sun 11am- 11pm . Average meal £12. Tel: 02920 482007


gair rhydd 26 05 03

14 • Features

A Beth of fresh air

GLC reckon if she slaps on a shellsuit she’d be the Welsh Missy Elliot, but she’s got other ideas. This lady is living proof that Cardiff University is a springboard to dizzy heights. Gavin Meany interviews Bethan Elfyn.


ethan Elfyn currently presents the Radio 1 Evening Session in Wales alongside Huw Stephens every Thursday evening between 8pm - 10pm. In January, she started co-presenting Popcorn on S4C every Friday at 7pm, and writing a column in the Wales On Sunday. These are just the latest developments in a fantastic media career that started, back in the day, at Cardiff University. Through her strong and growing reputation, Bethan was able to secure a DJ set in our own nightclub, Solus, earlier this year. I bumped into Bethan Elfyn a few days after that gig, as she was sipping mineral water in the Slug & Lettuce, and took the chance to ask her how it all go this far and where it's heading. Welcome to Bethan's world. So, Bethan, what have you been up to today? Thursday is my catch up morning. As I've just started a new television job that we shoot on Friday, I get my hair done on a Thursday so I look respectable. Then later this afternoon I'll head up to the BBC and start preparing for the show. How long do you spend each week preparing the evening session? It's been 4 years that we've been doing it now. In the beginning it was a 24 hour job, I used to spend all my time on it. Now I kind of use my other work, like writing for the Welsh music magazine, Golog, and going to gigs as preparation, so I seem to spend a lot less time on it now. All my activities feed into each other. Do you find that working all the different avenues satisfies you? Yeah, first I was into writing, but didn't have a lot of confidence in my ability. It was when I started writing about music that it really took off. That, in turn, has led me to be involved in radio, magazines, papers and television. I am lucky because I get to experiment with different forms. Ok, so we know what you're up to right now, but how did it all start? I started studying Law at Cardiff University, but hated it. I was falling asleep in classes and realised I had to put it right before I ended up in trouble. I switched to English Literature and really loved it. I was enjoying being a student and started playing records with my friends for student radio... Xpress Radio? It wasn't quite formed then. It was basically just bring your own records and play them. It was where I played the other night (Solus), but back then it was a canteen called 'The Hanging Gardens' and before that it was called 'Terminal'. At the same time I wrote a review of a band called Lush and it got printed in gair Rhydd. I was thrilled. I was also working at Spiller's records and, at the time, that was all I wanted to do with my life. My parents were horrified. I was just immersed in music, and my hobby turned into my work. My interests just sort of came together and it went from there really. Did you find work as soon as you left Cardiff University? After uni, I gathered unpaid experience writing for local papers and put together a portfolio. Through that I got a place in Cardiff journalism school. Then

straight after the course I was taken on by Radio Cymru in North Wales. Working for a small company as I was, I got to research TV projects and Radio 4 at the age of 22. I got lots of opportunities I would never have had in Cardiff. They soon realised that I had a ridiculous passion for music and stuck me on the late show. Most people there were just glad they didn't have to work late. I loved it. There's something special about late night radio, it's brings out the best in people. We had some great times and, I am proud to say, I used to get unsigned bands in to play sessions, which was great. Actually, Radio Cymru and the Welsh side of S4C have got a great grass-roots music policy. After various jobs within Radio Cymru, you got your current slot as a co-presenter on the evening session. Tell us about that. I had grown up listening to Mark Goodier and Mark and Lard, then Steve Lamacq, through the Britpop days, so it had had a great influence on my life. It was an amazing pleasure, but then started to lose it's way a bit. It felt like the personality was more important than the idea. When they began doing the nations shows it was very exciting, but it has taken time to get to where it is. Radio 1 also started the nations thing as they found they weren't getting to local music scenes quick enough. They were catching waves at the end so they wanted to rectify that situation. So now we scour our area and have the chance to give bands exposure early on. Local bands often find it harder to break their own country than American bands who come here. If our bands are good enough, we need to support them a lot more than we tend to. Tell me about the Exposure tour. This tour creates a way for us to expose unsigned bands. We go live from a different Welsh town each time, gathering local support. We do the evening sessions from within a live venue and during the show three local bands play live. We wanted to do a nations tour with four new bands, one from each nation. They would play three nights in Wales, then three in Ireland, then three in Scotland, finishing in London. So far that hasn't happened as Radio 1 couldn't decide whether to do it with dance music or bands. So we're doing it here for now. There are many strings to your bow. If I name them, you can tell me how you like each one. Compering? Terrifying but a great buzz. You shit yourself, but after a while the crowd know that you coming on means a band is coming on so they start cheering you, It's ok. Television? Interviewing others means the focus isn't on me, so it's strangely less nervewracking than radio. I like it. Magazine writing? I love it. I prefer to be prolific rather than in depth, so I love doing short band profiles, exposing talent. Newspapers? There is pressure on to be ahead of the game, but all my work ties in. It's an exciting challenge, check out the Wales on Sunday. Djing? It has taken me three years to be able to enjoy live Djing. It's very hard to judge a crowd

unless you know them. I cleared the dancefloor a few times at Solus. I never saw myself as a DJ. When we used to play records my friends used to announce what records were playing but I was too shy to speak into the microphone. It's always good to explore new avenues, it keeps you interested and evolving. What does the future hold for Bethan Elfyn? I'm very excited about this year so just want to focus on now really. I've turned a corner. I used to worry too much about what was going to happen to me. Now I have chilled out, I just let it happen. I've never been happier. I go asleep thinking: “Wow! That was a great day.” I'm very lucky, my network is great. I try to encourage people and be positive and give it my best. Once you accept who you are, it all falls into place. I don't want to sound like Destiny's Child accepting an award, but I am very lucky. Favourite radio show? Mary Ann Hobbs, Breezeblock, Mondays Gilles Peterson, Worldwide, Wednesdays. Both are unique. Favourite TV programme? Friends, it always makes me laugh. Favourite film? I go every week. Gangs of New York was shite. I love Tarantino and early Scorcese. Where do you go out? The Welsh Club. I like the nice variety we have in Cardiff, places like Moloko and Bar Ha! Ha! are quite pleasant. How do you relax? I haven't for a while. Chill out with friends in quiet bars, have a glass of wine at home, or go to the cinema. I can't watch horror films though, I shit myself. Bethan has recently launched a culture lifestyle magazine called TwentyFourSeven. You can see the first stage of attack on The first print issue should be out by the summer. We’ll keep you posted.

gair rhydd 26 05 03

Features • 15

gairrhydd Was brought to you by... Editor Gemma Curtis Deputy Editor Tristan Thomas GRiP Editors Alex Macpherson, Rob Jackson, Nick McDonald and Mat & Neil, two ninjas who backflip for justice. News Mark Cobley & Rhiannon Davies Sport Riath Al-Samarrai-Ninja, David Williams, Daniel Evans Features Karen Richards Books Jane Eyre Arts LaDonna Hall, Mat Croft & Rachel Pegum Music Gemma Jones & Andy Parsons Film Neil Blain Games Chris Pietryka Get There Anthony Lloyd Comment Dave Gates Television Steve Hurst, Amy Butterworth, Alex Macpherson Letters & Crossword Jamie Fullerton Big Willy Circus Matt Harvey Odds and Sods Charlotte Spratt Contributors Gareth Lloyd, Ben Hammond, Steven Jackson, Katie Orr, Patrick Glendening, Gavin Meany, Sarah Ross, Kathryn Archer, John Widdop, Bill Cummings, Charle Jenkins, Jon Griffiths, Paul Brown, Will Turnpenny, Rosalind Sack, Nick Bryne, Anna Hodgekiss, Pete Bramwell, John Collingridge, Anna MacTagget Other Legends Each and every one of the editorial team deserves a mention, but also thanks to the news peeps who have had a hectic fortnight:you will all be awesome next year too. Others to mention: Charlotte Spratt,Elaine Morgan, Andrew Davidson, Tristan Thomas,(for amongst other things buying a computer) Rob Jackson and Mat & Neil, two ninjas who routinely save the world. Ahem. Expect tears next issue.

Contact us Address gair rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434 Advertising – 0845 1300667 E-mail Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Bring your own Lama

Features investigate one way to relieve stress and create a positive outlook on love, life and soup kitchens


inally something which offers something radically new is emerging within the profuse variety of amenities already on offer in the bustling city of Cardiff. Rokpa International was founded in 1980 by Dr. Akong Tulku Rinpoche, a Tibetan, incarnate meditation master and a doctor of traditional Tibetan medicine, and Lea Wyler, a Swiss actress. Rokpa international is a family of charities working in three areas: humanitarian aid, the healing arts and spirituality. Rokpa International has over 150 projects worldwide and its humanitarian aid activities include providing free food, medicine, education and environmental schemes to the poorest people in countries such as Nepal, Tibet, South Africa and Zimbabwe. In the UK, Rokpa operate soup kitchens in London, Birmingham and Glasgow. Since August 4th 2002, we have Rokpa Cardiff (a branch of Rokpa International) which also incorporates its three main functions.

workshops (which may be of particular use around the months of January and May). Rokpa will also offer a unique therapy called ‘Tara Rokpa Psychotherapy’ which has been devised by Dr. Akong Rinpoche together with Western psychotherapists. Tara Rokpa is a process of inner development and maturation which combines Mahayana Buddhist and Western psychotherapy methods of understanding the mind. Ancient healing systems from the East will


"HELPING WHERE HELP IS NEEDED" The Tibetan word Rokpa means to "help" or to "serve", and so the organisation avoids a prefixed agenda of offering aid to only one particular group of people. Rokpa are currently working with asylum seekers by offering free counselling and therapy to those who want it and are also hoping to provide free food and clothing for refugee families and others in need. Another aim is to distribute computers donated by local businesses and organisations to people in Cardiff and further a-field to those who cannot afford them. IT training will also be provided thus giving people the necessary skills for the modern workplace. Students are able to get involved with any the humanitarian schemes already mentioned, plus volunteer to participate in the organisation of events for example, the film festival to be held at Rokpa, or the dance tour of young children who will be flown in from Tibet. For those with dexterity and muscle there is also plenty of minor building work, painting and decorating to be done.

THE HEALING ARTS Report after report suggests that mental illnesses are more prevalent in modern day society. Rokpa aims to offer a place where different forms of therapy will be available, such as counselling, psychotherapy and stress management

jealousy, and selfish desires. In addition, the claim is that we can develop positive states of mind such as calmness, friendliness, confidence, courage and determination and a genuine concern for ourselves and others, which will result in a greater degree of mental and physical well-being for ourselves and consequently others around us. At the very least, if we can improve our concentration and focus surely we will be able to do better academically. As well as the weekly meditation classes, Rokpa also aim to encourage interfaith dialogue by holding regular meetings and seminars. With all the discord and strife at the moment, this may be a really useful way to deepen or understanding of each other’s different beliefs.

also be available at Rokpa. These include Shiatsu, Reflexology, Aromatherpay, Indian Head Massage, as well as Tai Chi and Yoga. Before working from Rokpa Cardiff’s centre, all potential instructors will be carefully assessed to make sure that they are properly registered, accredited and insured.

HELPING YOURSELF: BECOMING YOUR OWN THERAPIST Surely it’s a legitimate aim to try to get rid of our own problems. We all know the emotional and intellectual stress that comes with our university lifestyle. Just think of all the different plans, hopes and ideas we have in our constant quest for happiness. The local brewery or nightclub offers us pleasure and respite from the boredom and stress of the day, but there’s only so much we can drink, smoke, talk, dance and ,if we’re lucky, shag. Meditation appears to offer us a skilful, ancient and well-tried method of taming and training the mind slowly to let go of our worries, fears, anger,



If you have an interest in Buddhism, you can have access to genuine and pure teachings and meditation where you will have the opportunity to ask questions to teachers. Anthony Harris who is also a Buddhist practitioner states: "We belong to an ancient lineage which has stood the test of time. In Tibetan Buddhism the idea of lineage is very successful as it produces enlightened beings and an unbroken line of teachings and realisations from enlightened master to student. It is a very pure handing down of teachings and realisations which make it a real thing, a living teaching, a living lineage. To have the opportunity to receive teachings from these great masters is a wonderful thing."

ANYTHING ELSE? Rokpa Cardiff is open to anybody who would like to relax and unwind in the business of city life or for those who wish to partake in its activities. However if there is nothing about Rokpa that has interested you so far there may be something that will… a multicultural restaurant is under construction at the moment within the Rokpa premise that will offer students a discounted price!

Fo r f u r t h e r i n f o r m a t i o n Lorraine Harris, Administrator Rokpa Cardiff 111 Bute Street, Butetown, Cardiff (Approx. 3 min walk from Cardiff Bay train Station) Tel: 029 2049185 or 02920 306138 e-mail:

gair rhydd 26 05 03

16 • Features

Summer training Fancy hitting the continent this summer? Sarah Ross looks at the hip places to go and the hot packages available to get there.


Alcazar, Seville. An ancient Moorish palace.

Canals in the ‘dam

A most celebrated erection

very year thousands of hip and not so hip young things hit the continent to complete what some consider to be a right of passage, an Interrail trip. From Norway to Croatia, Poland to Morocco, this summer confused people will be hopping on and off trains wondering how they got to Paris when they were supposed to be in Barcelona. Inter-railing may be the choice of many that feel that travel farther afield is not for them. So you've decided to start your trip in Amsterdam? When you tell any member of your family or friends expect to be greeted with many a nudge and a wink! However, perhaps I'm naïve, but if your interests stretch beyond sex, drugs and good old fashioned rock and roll there is a little bit more to the 'Dam than meets the eye. The Van Gogh Museum is predictably filled to the brim with the mono-eared genius' works. What is perhaps most interesting about this gallery is the fact that there was a genuine diversity in his work; he was actually quite good, don’t you know? There is also the Anne Frank museum, an important reminder of the past and well worth a visit. So, you've been to some museums, you've enjoyed the "coffeeshop" culture and took an enlightening stroll down a certain district and its time to bid adieu to the Dutch and so on to gay Paris. Paris? In twenty four hours? Are you mad? Quite possibly. What can I say, bring it on. Expect to walk up a hill to find your hostel, you'll arrive desperate for sleep but they will tell you that they are closed during the day, no sleep for you. Perhaps you can buy yourself a rather strong caffeine based beverage, a croissant, and walk back down said hill, and do something touristy. Walk along the Seine, be told you are the best looking person in the world by a portrait artist who will let you pay them to draw you. Go to Notradame and make some jokes about being a hunch-back. See some amazing stained glass windows, and walk to the top of the tower. Then go and get some lunch, avoid McDonalds, eat some crepes, or get some bread and cheese as if you were your dad. Go on a boat trip, where they will tell you interesting things in four languages whilst playing easy listening jazz. If you haven't been to the Eiffel tower it is much bigger than it looks on't telly. Barcelona, not as beautiful a horizon as you might expect. There are a few youth hostels here, some of them are a bit out of town. There are some in the centre and there of course the pensions that are always good if you want a private room. Gaudi's architecture seems to seep across the city in one form or other. His unfinished Temple de la Sagrada Familia is a must. It is an iconic building, and an unfinished one. You can pay to go inside, but unless you really enjoy building sights the best views are to be seen from the outside. After you've done this you'll probably be starving and boiling hot but may fall victim to the siesta. This means that by 2pm most of the shops and cafes are shut. So eat or go and buy food before this or else you might find yourself feeling a little bit faint. A wonder up to the Olympic stadium is a nice way to fill an afternoon. The area is filled with museums

and gardens and the stadium itself is worth a look just because it is so small. Seville, famous for its oranges and bull fighting and one of the most beautiful cities in the world. If you’re searching for that tiny picturesque village with Spanish guitar being played at the side of the road but can't quite fit it in, then Seville is the one for you. Its old town is one of tiny lanes with balconies dripping with flowers. The tapas here is something special and the atmosphere more laid back then Barcelona. The Alcazar is an ancient Moorish palace; it is similar to Alhambra in Granada, but smaller and less crowded. It is stunning. Flamenco is another reason to visit Seville, it is famed for it. There are places where you pay to see famous dancers, there are places where you pay an extortionate amount to sit with middle aged couples from Dagenham, and then there are places where you do not need to pay, and these are perhaps the best. One bar La Carbo Neria is one such place! They do a fine line in rum cocktails, bosa -nova and Flemenco guitar! So there were just a few cities to have a go at during your inter-rail jaunt. Things you might need are: tent, sleeping bag liner, sleeping bag, lonely planet guide book and a sense of humour.

Thinking of going inter-railing a round Europe? The biggest costs for a trip like this are accommodation and food. Camping can help cut down the costs on what you spend and if you cook for yourself that saves too. Youth hostelling is worth investigating, it removes need for a tent and cooking equipment but can cut down on where you go and requires more forward planning than camping as some need to be pre-booked. Where you go can make a considerable difference, some countries are considerably cheaper than others. Most guidebooks have comprehensive information on daily costs. Rough Guides and Lonely Planet books are a great source of info for budget travellers, but make sure you’re looking at the latest edition. Cities are usually more expensive per day than rural areas. Climbing mountains or cycling around the countryside would be good for your fitness and your finances. The way you travel around Europe is up to you. Resist the temptation to cram as many places as possible . Enjoy what the wonders of the continent has to offer. STA TRAVEL Inter-rail pass gives you up to 28 European countries plus Morocco for travel for up to 1 month. Passes start from £125 . or on 08701 600599

gair rhydd 26 05 03

• 17

gair rhydd 26 05 03

18 •

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gair rhydd 26 05 03

• 19

gair rhydd 26 05 03

20 •


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Classifieds • 21

gair rhydd 26 05 03

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

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MESSAGE Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.




SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on Xpress Radio Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on All officers (except Xpress Radio Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union. AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on and Kia Smith on IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER: Janine Jones on Contact these people now, whilst you still can.

HOUSEMATE WANTED by five lads. Quality place in Cathays. £210/month inc. water. Interested? Call/email Fred: 07817792569

Singer/songwriter seeks musicians for rock acoustic band. E-mail Sam at

Cardiff uni student on sandwich year from July 2003 looking for room or similar people to share. Please e-mail me HARRIET STREET HOUSE FOR 5 FOR RENT All mod cons. plus new bathroom. £210pcm inc.water. Call Conor (ex Cardiff Student) 07787506946/ 023 80481944.

EMPLOYMENT Take the total number of classified advertisements submitted to the Employment section of the Gair Rhydd, times it by the number of hilarious photographs of half naked posing housemates who happen to have birthdays this month, multiply this by the amount of rice crispies you had in your bowl this morning and it results in absolutely fuck all. What’s wrong with you? Does Cardiff have 100% full employment? Have all of the cameras in Cardiff spontaneously stopped working? Well? What exactly are your excuses. You make me sick. Either send in some ‘hilarious’ photographs of your buddies or I will, in fact, print a picture of me being sick. And you’ll have no-one to blame but yourselves.

In fact who wants a job anyway? It’s just more work for everyone. I’ve always wondered if one spent an hour scouring Queen’s Street for spare change dropped by careless housewives, and scamming tramps out of their hard-begged pennies one could hope to make an amount in the region of £5, which I’m guessing is the average hourly wage for a student (I don’t know though, why the hell would I?). Hence why the need for a job? Scour the streets! Be your own boss! Answer to noone but yourself! No dealing with obese secondary-school drop-outs who vent their bitterness on intellectually superior juniors! No tax! No ridiculous uniform! No pathetic work Christmas parties! This is looking more and more attractive the more you think about it, isn’t it! ISN’T IT? Great words: Phallus. Cowgirl. Mouse. Stuff. Lager. Tympany. Loco. Shit words: Todger. Mule. Flap. Crazy. Dodgy. Crack. Onion. Pot. Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

Sport Feature

Page 22

25 May 2003

Clash of the titans

DANIEL EVANS compares the Premiership’s top marksmen

At the end of a roller coaster Premiership season there is a debate raging amongst fans and football critics. Two predators stand head and shoulders above all others atop the goal scoring food chain, two very different players of infinite worth to their respective clubs. But, who is the best striker, Manchester United’s Ruud van Nistelrooy or Arsenal’s Thierry Henry?


Goal scoring Goal scoring is the primary yardstick to which a striker’s class is measured and it comes as no surprise that Henry and van Nistelrooy have topped the charts for the last two seasons. Since the Dutchman came to Manchester from PSV Eindhoven for a club record £19 million, van Nistelrooy has scored a massive 80 goals in just 101 appearances. He added the Premiership golden boot for his 25 league goals to his title of top scorer amongst the elite company of the Champions League for the past two seasons. The 26-year-old is quite simply lethal in front of goal, with an ice cool temperament and the ability to finish from positions in which it seems he has no right. However, an often forgotten fact is that a quarter of his 48 Premiership goals have been penalties. He should be commended for his deadliness from the spot but it is invariably harder to score in open play than from an uncontested shot from 12 yards. Henry has also scored 48 goals in the last two seasons and finished the year with 32 assorted strikes in 52 appearances - 50 yard runs, bending free kicks and one-on-ones with the goalkeeper. But, if there is a criticism it is that the Frenchman does not convert enough of his chances giving van Nistelrooy the edge in this department. Ruud - 19/20; Henry - 17/20


Analysis of strikers is about much more than finding the back of the net, if the England team was picked on this criteria alone Southampton’s James Beattie would be the first name on Sven Goran Eriksson’s team sheet. Henry has numerous dimensions to his game and his unselfish nature and value at Highbury is epitomised by 20 Premiership assists this season almost twice as many as the next best provider, Ryan Giggs on 11. His penchant for reverting to the wing to collect the ball allows him to fire in crosses for fellow attackers. The Dutchman is more of a typical centre forward with that valuable tinge of selfishness within range of the goal, so does not create as many chances for his team. Ruud - 7/10; Henry - 9/10

Skill Both players possess great ball control and touch. Henry is perhaps the most dangerous player in the league with the ball at his feet, dribbling past defender after defender with skills and tricks. Van Nistelrooy too has developed the ability to beat players since last season. Great individual goals such as against Fulham at Old Trafford, and from a seemingly impossible position on the by-line against Basle, highlight his ability to take players on. However, it is the frequency of Henry’s menacing runs that give him the edge. He is a danger anywhere on the pitch Ruud - 8/10; Henry - 9/10

Henry wins this race hands down, the epitomy of “va va voom.” Like a footballing cheetah he has the ability to effortlessly ghost past defenders and tear away towards goal. Even the quickest players in the world are no match for his speed both with and without the ball and that includes van Nistelrooy. The Dutchman’s goal against Arsenal when he picked the ball up 40 yards out and skinned Sol Campbell and Martin Keown shows that he is no slouch though. Ruud - 8/10; Henry - 10/10

Strength When one sees a slender looking Henry in his graceful stride, onlookers can be excused for assuming that he lacks strength and physical presence. But, the type of game the 25-yearold plays is deceiving and hides the fact that he is 6’ 3”, 13 stone and hard to knock off the ball. Since he’s been in the English game van Nistelrooy has definitely improved his physical side, adding an aggressive edge to his finesse around the box. Ruud - 7/10; Henry - 7/10

Temperament Aerial ability

Henry has only scored a couple of headers in his Arsenal career but the Gunners’ style of play does not lend itself to aerial attack. More often than not it is Henry himself delivering the ball from set pieces to the likes of Sol Campbell but he has improved in this department. Van Nistelrooy has the timing and positional brain to get on the end of the barrage of crosses David Beckham provides in the average season, although he doesn’t have the physical presence to beat more bruising defenders to the lofted ball. Ruud - 7/10; Henry - 5/10

There are not many cooler players than these two, neither tend to retaliate when receiving close attention from defenders. Van Nistelrooy has assumed the mantle of penalty-taker supreme in the Premiership after the departure of Matt Le Tissier, handling the pressure with ease. Both forwards have the mental strength to perform in the big matches, when their excellence is needed most. Ruud - 9/10; Henry - 9/10

van Nistelrooy


65/80 66/80

There is no doubt that any manager would love to have players of this calibre in their team, many must salivate at the awesome prospect of Henry and van Nistlerooy in partnership. The pace of Henry and his ability to revert to his original winger’s berth would be the perfect foil for van Nistlerooy as a single-minded goal scorer. But, for the sake of debate they must be separated. Whilst Henry picked up the PFA and Writers’ player of the year award, van Nistlerooy received the accolade from the 20 Premiership managers. It was a travesty that the player who has scored 44 goals in all competitions was not considered for the PFA team of the season. However, football is played on the pitch and it is on the pitch that Thierry Henry just shades the head-to-head due to his sublime ball skills, all-round attributes and versatility as a striker. All hail King Henry IX.


26 May 2003

Page 23

AC aim to turn the Gunner Pires fires power up on rivals Arsenal to cup glory Riath Al-Samarrai Sports Writer of the Year THE MONEY spinning, hair wrenching, tear jerking showcase that is the UEFA Champions League has reached its climax. European giants AC Milan and Juventus will fight for the ultimate prize in club football. Old Trafford will play host to the footballing party of the year, and though Manchester United won’t be adding to their silverware for at least another season, a few top names will be in attendance at the Theatre of Dreams. With both side’s combined blend of skill, flair, passion and grace, it is expected to be a night of fireworks that will penetrate the Lancashire smog, and fall over the cobbled streets of Milan and Fiat filled roads of Turin. Milan will be on an extra

high, still basking in the added glory of beating bitter rivals, and housemates, Inter, on away goals at the San Siro Stadium, whilst also having an Italian Cup final to look forward to. However, Juventus are the firm favourites having just retained their Serie A title, and turned in a magnificent victory against Champions League favourites and reigning champions Real Madrid to reach the final. Real acted out the first leg as the script required with a solid 2-1 victory at the Bernabeau. However, on return to Turin, several of the key Madrid players turned in performances more suited to a school pantomime than the big stage of the Stadio Della Alpi. Juve’s defeat of Real Madrid demonstrated the strengths of the world’s finest defence, and the consummate ease with which they

dismantled the games most prominent attack in a 4-3 aggregate win. A missed Luis Figo penalty fuelled romantic’s belief that the result was down to fate, and it was destiny that would inscribe an Italian name on the trophy for the first time since Juce won the title in 1996. Long since regarded as the founding fathers of the modern game, but more recently accused of killing the creative spirit that the passionate Azzuri fans have thrived upon, Italy are back at the pinnacle of club football. Italian football has been in disarray over the past season. With spectator interest diminishing and a bitter row over television money raging on, the domestic season suffered a delayed start, but there can be no doubt that it will be a fantastic finale that will bring the curtain down on a great Italian and European season of football.

Report Nick Byrne Arsenal 1-0 Southampton JUDGING BY the looks on the faces of both sets of fans trudging away from the Millennium Stadium after Arsenal’s 1-0 FA Cup final win, the casual observer could have been excused for presuming the match had finished all level. Any joy Gunner’s fans took from their victory over a resilient Southampton side was swiftly forgotten upon reflection on a season that promised so much but

Robert Pires scores the winning goal cross found Ljunberg whose blocked shot fell kindly to Robert Pires who calmly stroked the ball beyond Niemi into the bottom right corner. Shortly after the break Ljunberg squandered a glorious opportunity to make history. Niemi parried a Berkamp strike and Ljunberg looked certain to become the first player to score in three

stretched off after tearing a calf muscle to be replaced by Paul Jones. Two substitutions brought the Saints into contention and Brett Ormerod’s powerful drive was destined for the top corner until Seaman flung out a hand to parry his shot wide. Shortly after a Southampton corner and one final attempt for the

Henry’s class shows

Milan will have to be positive against Juve after their semi-final win over Inter

Little Mr Moffett eats his words and prays David Williams reports JUST AS Welsh rugby fans thought the new regional club plan was going ahead without a hitch, it has emerged that there is yet more strife amongst Wales’ top echelon of teams. Even before Bridgend’s title-clinching win over Neath at the Brewery Field, the rumblings of discontent concerning the politics of the sport had got back into full swing. Despite months of debates, discussions and votes, it appears that not all has been settled in the disputes in the Principality. And, after Newport’s thrashing of their soon-to-bepartners, Ebbw Vale, it is clear that several of the boardroom staff at Rodney Parade feel

some injustice at the way that the sharing of power between the two clubs has gone in favour of the Steelmen. These views were added to by Shane Howarth, Newport’s former New Zealand and Wales international who will be leaving the Black and Ambers at the end of the season. Full-back Howarth has, as have others, questioned the ambition of the two stand alone clubs, Cardiff and Llanelli, and their perceived self-interest in Welsh rugby in contrast to the other six clubs who have formed the three other regional sides for next season’s European and Celtic competitions. Further troubles have come to light in the last few weeks with rumours of a player strike.

The WRU’s David Moffett, the man behind the reformation in the Principality, and coach Steve Hansen were quick to play down the rumours ahead of the match against the Barbarians and the summer tour to Australia and New Zealand. Indeed, the build-up to the forthcoming World Cup in Australia couldn’t have been much worse. If facing the World Champions and their neighbours wasn’t tough enough, player discord and the threat of strike action couldn’t have come at a worse time for the Kiwi. And, with the regional squads for the new set-up not yet confirmed, the wranglings of Welsh rugby’s politics is still a source of debate in the private and public eye.

ultimately delivered precious little. Arsenal’s superiority never looked seriously in doubt and the score-line would surely have been far more emphatic but for the brilliance of Antti Niemi in the Saints goal. The Finnish international was called upon as early as the opening 30 seconds when Henry was put through by a fantastic ball from Ljunberg. The Frenchman fought off Claus Lundekvam’s desperate attempts to bring him down only to be thwarted by an excellent save from Niemi. It was no surprise that Henry was again instrumental when Arsenal finally broke the deadlock after 38 minutes. The Frenchman stopped the ball dead on the edge of the box and then nonchalantly rolled the ball through to Dennis Berkamp. The Dutchman’s

A fourth winners medal for Seaman FA Cup finals in succession but the Swede could only hit the side netting. Niemi once again showed his class in the 56th minute, pulling off an outstanding save from the irresistible Henry to keep Arsenal at bay. It was to be the Finnish goalkeeper’s final contribution. He was

underdogs to draw level. Michael Svensson met Oakley’s corner with a powerful header that looked certain to find the net after the ball flew past Seaman. Ashley Cole saved the day, producing a smart block on the line and ensured it was Arsenal who came away with the trophy.

Team line-ups Arsenal: Seaman, Cole, Keown, Luzhny, Lauren, Ljunberg, Gilberto, Parlour, Pires, Henry, Bergkamp. Subs: Wiltord. Southampton: Niemi, Bridge, Baird, Lundekvam, M. Svensson, Telfer, Oakley, Marsden, M.Svensson, Beattie, Ormerod. Subs: Jones, Fernandez, Tessem.. Goals: Pires (38). Referee : Graham Barber ( generally awful but did well to spot the diving )

“I don’t like jelly, I don’t trust the way it moves.” Gareth Keenan on the downside of jelly , 2001

Henry vs van Nistelrooy

Sports round-up The FA Cup final and the current goings on in Welsh rugby p.23

Who is the best in the business? p.22

gair rhydd

Sport email

26 May 2003 - Issue 740

Cardiff put Bangor on scrapheap Netball

Rosalind Sack reports

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Netball Club ended their successful 2002/3 season by retaining their Welsh Cup crown in a convincing 48-32 victory against Bangor. The side didn’t have far to travel – Glamorgan playing host to this year’s men’s and women’s finals day, both on the court and on the pitch. Contested annually, the Welsh Cup sees teams from all of the University of Wales institutions, including Swansea, Aberystwyth and Bangor, compete across the country for the cup title. Cardiff netballers already held the trophy, beating Swansea in the finals last year and were eager to retain their silverware.

Cardiff had met the Bangor side on tour in Salou over Easter and so a grudge match in more sobering circumstances had been eagerly anticipated. Due to exam commitments however, Cardiff had been forced to field a mixed side of players from all four teams as well as a netballing debut from A.U President Polly Hills, but spirits remained high having beaten Bangor on tour. Cardiff started strong, and despite the awesome height of the 6’ 4” Bangor shooter, defence from Cardiff veterans Nikki King and Ros Sack in the circle kept the opposition under pressure throughout the first half. Some inspired shooting from the second

team captain Jo Powell and Club captain Michelle Flaherty, both playing out of position, put Cardiff ahead with a solid lead going into the half time break. The second half saw a lapse of concentration from the Cardiff team, with tired legs creeping in and the loss centre court player Beri Abbas to injury in the final quarter. Bangor kept up the pressure and managed to claw back a flurry of goals to close in on the lead, but the hard work put in by Cardiff early on in the game left Bangor with too big a deficit to make up. Cardiff University Netball’s press secretary spoke after the match: “The Welsh Cup often gets overshadowed by the BUSA season, but it is just as

important to get out there and show our Welsh neighbours what we can achieve, as it is to prove our worth on the court in BUSA. The past few years, we’ve done that!”

Bangor are mashed

WELSH UNIVERSITIES were also in action over Easter at the British University Games in Edinburgh. The combined Welsh Universities netball squad included Cardiff 1st team player and 2002 A.U. Fresher of the Year, Sophie Armstrong, and went on to win the coveted title against combined teams from English, Scottish and Northern Irish Universities. This is the first time the Welsh Universities squad has won the B.U.G’s netball championships with Sophie representing Cardiff University. Congratulations also to 2001/2 Club Captain and first team player Kate Edwards who has been selected to travel to Jamaica with the Senior Welsh Squad, to represent the country at the Netball World Championships in July. Kate, 22, who graduated

from Cardiff University last year, now studies in Birmingham and has continued to travel back to Cardiff over the past year to train with the squad. She was also selected for the Commonwealth Games training squad and was shortlisted to travel to the Games last summer. Mention must also go to first team player Maxine Dolloway and second team captain Jo Powell who have been scouted by Wales’ selectors and invited to trial for the Welsh Emerging Squad next month. All round it looks to have been a successful year in netballing terms for Cardiff University. With a successful Welsh championship win, netball in the University looks to be on a high and standing in good stead for the future.


gair rhydd - Issue 740  
gair rhydd - Issue 740  

gair rhydd - Issue 740