gair rhydd - Issue 734 by Cardiff Student Media

VARSITY SPECIAL - gair rhydd begins page 9

gair rhydd STARRING

Because its more than a rugby match

Cardiff Uni Uni Cardiff Cardiff Uni Uni Cardiff Cardiff Uni Uni Cardiff Cardiff Uni Uni Cardiff Cardiff Uni Uni Cardiff Cardiff Uni Uni Cardiff Cardiff Uni

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GAIR RHYDD PRESENTS VARSITY2003. CAPTAINS, PLAYERPROFILES, AGUIDETO PROVINCIALRUGBY, AND WHATTO

INCLUDINGINTERVIEWSWITHTHE BRIDGEND, ANINVESTIGATIONIN TO DOIF YOUHATEEGGCHASING

Varsity Guide page 2

To find out how Abbey National can help with your

mortgage, banking, and saving needs Call into your local branch or contact us on:

08457 654321 Proud to sponsor the Welsh Varsity Challenge 2003

2120 JAN 03 DS

YOUR HOME IS AT RISK IF YOU DO NOT KEEP UP REPAYMENTS ON A MORTGAGE OR OTHER LOAN SECURED ON IT. Secured loans and mortgages require a charge on your property. Loans subject to status and valuation and are not available to persons under the age of 18. Written quotations available on request. All Abbey National banking accounts are subject to status, and certain age restrictions apply. Abbey National, and because lifeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s complicated enough are trademarks of Abbey National plc. Registered Office: Abbey National House, 2 Triton Square, Regentâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Place, London NW1 3AN. Tel: 0870 607 6000 www.abbeynational.co.uk. Registered Number 2294747. Registered in England. To help us improve our service, we may record or monitor all phone calls.

gair rhydd 03 02 03

To find out how Abbey National can help with your

mortgage, banking, and saving needs Call into your local branch or contact us on:

08457 654321 Proud to sponsor the Welsh Varsity Challenge 2003

2120 JAN 03 DS

Varsity Guide page 2

C o n t e n t s

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Varsity Guide page 3

19 02 03 Varsity Guide

4 5 6 8 11 13 14 15 16

Beyond their grasp: recent Varsity history

Varsity Guide ■ Varsity Guide ■ Varsity Guide ■ Varsity Guide

Edited/Designed Tristan Thomas

Welsh rugby: the future.

Sub-Editors

Team profiles, interviews and stats The Red and Blacks. Colour montage Former Welsh captain speaks to gair rhydd

Photographer Contributors

Are Cardiff worth a flutter? Our form guide Play Call My Bluff gr style, plus quiz and texts A Bridge too far? Bridgend in layman’s terms BACK PAGE: Varsity for egg-chaser haters.

Alex Macpherson Nick McDonald Nick King Gemma Curtis Polly Hills Laura Welsh Ellie Jones Gwenno Dafydd Adrian Evans Riath Al-Samarrai Charlie Spratt Claire Coles David Williams James Cole Alastair Thomas Alex Luff Chris Wathan Pete Samson

“Varsity is much more than kissing rugby arse” Polly Hills Athletics Union President It has been an amazing experience and I am proud to have had the opportunity to organise the eighth Abbey National Welsh Varsity Challenge. For me the Varsity has

become so much more than a rugby game. Firstly it is the biggest Varsity match in Wales attracting over 4,000 supporters each year due to the sheer spectacle and drama of the game. This year, with the match being held at Bridgend RFC, I'm hopeful we will attract an even bigger crowd of student supporters, and far greater local interest. The

Athletic Union is providing every supporter transport to the fixture for an extra £3, leaving at 4.30pm from the back of the Union, so there’s no excuse to sit at home. One of the most rewarding aspects of attending the game is that you can be rest assured all money raised from ticket sales goes to charity. Last year you helped us raise £5,000 for the

Welsh Rugby Charity Trust. This year also benefiting from our match sales is Comic Relief, a charity I hope Cardiff will be happy to be supporting. However, none of this would be possible without the generosity and co-operation of our event sponsor Abbey National, who genuinely believe in the value of student sport.

Lastly, the Varsity brings together everything I love about sport; great competition, a sense of University pride and unity, hard work and determination. I want this Varsity to be the best Wales has ever seen and I want people to be proud to say they are a Cardiff supporter. I’ll provide the entertainment if you provide the atmosphere. I hope that’s a deal!

Va r s i t y

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H i s t o r y

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Beyond their grasp Cardiff were beaten again last year; indeed, recent results do not make pleasant reading for Cardiff fans. But, as gair rhydd soon learnt, bad refereeing and even worse luck has disguised some very promising sides

Chris Wathan gair rhydd sport

disappointed, to be honest; we could have done a lot more, and we failed to help ourselves. "But we’ve got some good coaches in, and the structure’s in place so we can get to the same level that Swansea play at every week. "The majority of the backline will be here next year, so we can keep on building.” Swansea’s level of performance was certainly a notch above Cardiff’s, but ultimately last year’s final scoreline reflected the home side’s ability to adapt to conditions better and faster than Cardiff. With the wind behind them Cardiff only managed to take a three-point lead into the break; in the second half S w a n s e a managed 21

2002

Last year saw Cardiff fail to break their Varsity duck for the sixth successive year, returning from Swansea on the end of a 21-3 loss. But the estimated 900 supporters who made the trip to St Helens were left with some consolation, with Cardiff claiming the inaugural ‘Sports Shield’. Victories for netball, football and badminton, among others, were enough for Cardiff to take the prize as well as regaining a sense of pride. Though this did little to raise spirits in the Cardiff camp, Cardiff captain Andrew Boyd refused to be despondent and immediately pointed to a promising future. " We ’ r e q u i t e

unanswered points. It could have been worse for Cardiff, with the Jacks spurning four kickable penalty chances in preference for territorial touch finders. "I don’t think people realised how strong the wind was, so we had to run it. We weren’t trying to be arrogant." And despite the scoreline, Edwards was quick to play up the strengths of the 2002 side. "I was a bit concerned in the first half because we were surprised by how well Cardiff played." Realistically, it took some thirty minutes before Cardiff offered any sustained pressure on the Swansea line, Gruff Jones’ slicing run setting up a good series of phase rugby. But Cardiff missed their chances, and frustration replaced nerves. The now infrequent Cardiff attacks lost much of their previous flow and verve. However, there could be no doubting the commitment shown, with Cardiff man of the match Rhidian Jones exemplifying a no surrender attitude in defence. Luck simply did not favour the visitors. John Lucas, with his two second rows, had punished Swansea at vital lineouts, but the hooker was forced to leave the field with a shoulder injury. Boyd was adamant that the match could easily have ended in Cardiff’s favour. "I don’t think anything went right for us, but don’t take anything away from Swansea. Our lads out there were brilliant, and we have firm foundations for Varsity 2003."

Cardiff

Swansea 3

G Jones, Heywood, Cox, Clement, McConchie, Baxter, Boyd (capt), McKay, Lucas, Barker, Walker, Meharg, R Jones, Stavely, Thomas PENS: Hewyood.

21 N Jones, M Jones, Sweeny, Broaders, Shelmerdine, Burroughs, Rees, Williams, Hamilton, Davies, Radbourne, Bereton, Edwards (capt) Templeman, Horstmann, TRIES: Baxter, Horstmann, N Jones PENS: Heywood

Plucky Cardiff made to pay by Jack attack Pete Samson gair rhydd sport

Pete Samson gair rhydd sport

2000

Cardiff were defeated for the fourth successive Varsity match in 2000, as 650 students from the capital made the trip to see a valiant CU performance. Cardiff opened the scoring when captain Tommy Price scored a penalty after Swansea were caught offside. However, the tie swung back in Swansea’s favour when fly half Lee Hinton romped home to score a try in the corner. After 25 minutes the Swans increased their lead as the hosts were awarded a penalty try, which Hinton converted. Cardiff were more focused in the second half and were rewarded

when Tawanda Pari scored an excellent try that went unconverted. A tense period of play followed until Swansea were given another penalty try. A Hinton penalty then made it 25-11 and appeared to put the tie beyond Cardiff’s reach. However, Cardiff’s heads never dropped and they set up an exciting finish when Andy Tucker bundled home a try that Price converted. But the home side finished off Cardiff’s battlers when a Jamie Webb penalty clinched a 28-18 victory for the home side.

Swansea

Cardiff 28

Kendrick, Pervis, Davies, Seloy, Baker, Hinten, Williams, Meredith (Capt), James, Lodder, Mussel, Radbone, Walsh, Leyland, Edwards TRIES: Penalty Try 2, Hinten PENS: Hewyood, Webb

18 Halliday, Pari, Davies, Hyde, Collins, Price (Capt), Simon, Mason, McRimmon, Barker, Roach, Luff, Staveley, Skilton, Stokes TRIES: Pari, Tucker PENS: Price 2

2001

In 2001 Cardiff ended their losing streak by clinging on for a deserved draw at the Arms Park. The most exciting finish in Varsity history saw a Swansea conversion hit the upright with the last kick of the game. Swansea had fought back from 5-10 down to equalise with an injury time try in the corner. And while Cardiff enjoyed ending the Jacks’ record of winning every Varsity tie between the Welsh rivals, the players trudged off the field knowing they had squandered their best opportunity to take Swansea’s crown. Despite the missed

conversion, Swansea were fortunate to take a share of the title after soaking up some intense Cardiff pressure in the second half. Swansea had broken the deadlock after half an hour when they collected a punt from Cardiff’s Andy Boyd to run it back at pace to score in the corner. A penalty from the boot of Cardiff’s Mike Collins pulled it back to 5-3 just before the group. That was the only notable action of a scrappy first half but Cardiff looked a different side after the break. Cardiff forwards placed the Swans under immense pressure throughout the second period with their reward coming when their dominant pack drove over the line to score a 65th minute try. It was converted by the steady boot of fly half Collins, setting up a tense finale that was capped by the Jacks levelling the scores at the death.

Cardiff

Swansea 10

Monhan, Hobbs, Heywood, Clement, Fletcher, Gaynor, Boyd, McKay (Capt), Leather, Bowyer, Luff, Jones, Skilton, Collins, Evans TRIES: McKay CON: Collins PENS: Colllins

10 Kendrick, Stack, Baker, Seloy, Cherry, Rees, James, Davies, Halloway, Oatley, Cox, Vollans, Templeman, Horstman, Edwards TRIES: Stack, James

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One giant leap for Welsh rugby Adrian Evans Cardiff University Rugby Coordinator

Cardiff’s rugby coordinator Adrian Evans discusses the implications of the impending restructuring of the Welsh game. Will fewer clubs improve the quality of players available for the national team - or is there a simpler solution?

Would you favour provincial rugby?

100

When I started playing rugby as a six-year-old for Pontyclun Mini Rugby Club, life seemed much simpler. Grab the ball, run as far as you can, if there is somebody outside you, give them the ball, tackle low, put your head to the side and land on top of them. And things were not simpler only in playing terms. Wales were still a force at international level. The clubs were strong; Pontypool had their fearsome pack, Cardiff fans enjoyed the Lions’ combination of Terry Holmes and Gareth Davies at halfback, Bridgend were winning the cup with Steve Fenwick and JPR Williams in harness and Pontypridd had Tommy David and, arguably, the original valley commandos. At junior level, a young Stuart Barnes was winning caps for Wales Schools U18s in, of course, his pre-Sky days! Fast forward some 22 seasons since those glory days to the present. With the advent of professional rugby, the face of the sport in Wales has changed and not necessarily for the better. The national side has faced humiliating defeats over and over again. Now, Welsh rugby has another challenge to face : "the Battle of the Clubs". Welsh rugby union group c h i e f executive David

75%

Moffet has been talking to clubs over the past two months about his proposal to turn the nine rugby clubs into four provincial sides on a franchise basis. That proposal will be presented to the Emergency General Meeting on February 23, and if accepted it will be up to the board to decide where the four franchises will go. Moffet believes that the WRU does not have enough funds to fund more than four competitive sides, and also that there are not actually enough players to make up more than four professional sides. The question remains for every rugby supporter: which clubs will survive Moffet’s cull? Discussions with the clubs have been awkward; each has too much self-interest to be able to make an impartial decision over what is best for the future of the Welsh national team. Many of the clubs have presented a case against the change and have their reasons behind their reluctance to enter into a provincial union. The top clubs argue that historically the Welsh rugby union has always been a clubbased union. While this might have been true in the past, the governing body points out that in recent times clubs have simply failed to provide top quality players to the national side. The major clubs have the firm belief that players will remain loyal to clubs. However, human nature demands that players ensure the best deal for themselves: a relatively brief career means that gaining maximum income in the shortest time is a priority, and players will play where the best deal is. The clubs also suggest that fans would not turn up to the "regionals". Given the Welsh love of rugby success, though, it is unlikely that, if a Welsh regional side qualified for the European Cup, that supporters would stay away because it was not their "specific" club. In Wales we have a simple character flaw: we love to win at rugby. Newport, for example, have done a magnificent job in transforming themselves from relegation contenders watched by minimal crowds into Cup winners with the support of thousands. How? People love feeling part of success; any club playing in Wales will automatically see crowds grow if they are achieving. However we present regional rugby, whether as “superclubs” or regions, t h e

The fans’ view 24%

YES

Whilst the WRU are likely to make drastic changes to the structure of Welsh rugby, they will face stiff opposition from supporters. Three-quarters of rugby fans would rather continue with the current format, according to a poll by BBC website Scrum V. A special web discussion will take place on February 19 to discuss this and other Varsity topics, so go to www.bbc.co.uk/wales and click on Scrum V.

BBC Scrum V poll (1% don’t know)

Varsity an integral part of new plan Tristan Thomas Varsity Editor Any reorganisation of Welsh club rugby will see a reduction in the number of major teams, and Cardiff University will see a marked benefit in terms of player quality and prestige. In its quest for rugby talent, the University has traditionally faced tough competition from a string of significant Glamorgan

clubs, and if any of these were to be phased out under Moffet’s plans, the Athletics Union would be ideally placed to snap up talented hopefuls. Potentially, Cardiff University could become a feeder club for the proposed “Provincial” or “Superclub” teams which would replace existing sides such as Neath, Newport, and Llanelli. The University has already taken steps to

improve professionalism, introducing stringent training and coaching plans, and employing a full-time rugby coordinator, Adrian Evans. Ideally, formal links with the major teams will follow, and eventually the Varsity could become a significant showcase for Welsh talent.

Seven reasons to go provincial

Zurich Points

The Zurich world ranking system 1217 1 England does not conclusively indicate the quality of the top rugby nations, but it 1206 2 N. Zealand is still a useful form guide. Wales look 1146 3 Australia up at every established rugby nation, seven in all, a damning indictment of 1112 4 France simple the talent produced by the 1045 5 South Africa current domestic structure. fact remains that their 857 6 Ireland primary function is 835 7 Scotland to nurture players to international level. This is the 772 8 Wales only level at which Wales can 755 9 Argentina obtain large amounts of money through television deals to fund the game. It 680 10 Samoa is the shop window, the ultimate showpiece, and if people believe that clubs exist for any have other reason, then they really are blinkered. The rugby club has traditionally been the had to the focus of attention in villages up and down make Wales, and when professional rugby arrived, choice between everybody who ever laced up a boot suddenly playing rugby or wanted a few quid for their efforts, however having a job and mediocre they were. Yet professional rugby was career. To put it in never intended for ordinary club players who worked all week and then pulled on their boots perspective, what possible at the weekend to battle with the local rivals. It similarity is there between a was for the top players whose training and highly trained international playing commitments were such that it was no rugby athlete and somebody who longer possible for them to hold down a full puts on his boots on a Saturday and runs out in division seven? A Sunday time job. In Wales we missed that point, possibly league footballer would not expect to because we did not have many players making be paid for playing, so why do lower that sort of commitment, or possibly because league Welsh rugby players? Somewhere in this mess the players every club believed they could be the next big club by splashing out a bit. The fundamental have lost direction. Basic skills are no error was that the power that clubs held was longer the be-all and end-all for coaches. forgotten: they were the areas where the Complex moves and patterns of play are the population congregated and where business norm, but how many players in Wales can do all the basics - run, pass, kick, tackle, ruck and boomed. Professional rugby caused mayhem, with maul - well? If all the players in a team could players becoming more concerned with agents, do this, they would not need complicated game contracts, and changing clubs for a few pounds plans. Rugby does not begin in Newport and end in extra per week. No distinction was made Fishguard; there is a whole world of rugby to between the top flight and the grass roots. Those players who have gained the most be embraced. In Wales we have so much to offer to the have been those lower down the league that have made no changes to their lifestyle game: naturally skilful young players and a but are still earning extra income fanatical devotion to rugby that you will struggle to find anywhere else. If we from the game. At least professional can only find a way of combining the we could have an p l a y e r s two, unstoppable solution.

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The Red and Blacks Finally, perennial underachievers Cardiff appear to have a squad strong enough to compete with Swansea. gair rhydd investigate the players set to challenge the Jacks for the crown of top university team in Wales, and asks Cardiff captain Alex Luff whether he genuinely rates Cardiff’s chances Chris Baxter

Dan Bowyer

Tom Lambert

Jack Bennet

2nd Year Engineering DOB: 10/12/80 Position: 10/12 Stats: 5’10”14st Playing History: Cardiff University 1st Team

Ben Lloyd

2nd Year Physics DOB: 13/01/82 Position: Prop/Out half Stats: 5’11”18st Playing History: West Wales, Ebbwvale U21’s, Canterbury Country U19’s,

3rd Year Communicat. DOB: 28/12/81 Position: Lo. Head Prop Stats: 5’8” 14st4lbs Playing History: RGS High Wycombe, Pencoed RUFC, Bucks

Rob Lawson

Chris Daplyn

2nd Year Politics DOB: 12/3/81 Position: Scrum Half Stats: 5’8” 12st3lbs Playing History: Swansea School boys, Dunvant Youth, Mumbles

Geoffrey Hobbs

3rd Year English DOB: 24/03/81 Position: Wing/Centre Stats: 5’8” 12st10lbs Playing History: Worcester U15, U16 U18, Welsh Exiles U18

David Benyon

3rd Year Geology DOB: 28/11/81 Position: Lock Stats: 6’5 15st Playing History: Clevedon RFC, Somerset U19

3rd Year Earth Science DOB: 4/12/81 Position: Scrum Half Stats: 5’8” 12st10lbs Playing History: Swansea U21’s, Swansea Districts, West Glam. Counties

Hefin Evans

4th Year Psychology DOB: 17/09/80 Position:Outside Cen. Stats: 6’2” 13st Playing History: Bath Juniors/Youth, Somerset U16/U18 RAF U21, Com. Serv

Third Year Business DOB: 24/02/82 Position: Wing/Sc half Stats: 5’10” 13st Playing History: Saracens U19, Bucks U15 - 20 Marlow RFC

Paul Skilton

4th Year Mech. Engin. DOB: 15/12/80 Position: Full Back Stats: 6’4” 14st Playing History: Wales Universities, Neath U21’s

3rd Year Physioogy DOB: 25/8/81 Position: Number 8 Stats: 6’3” 17st10lbs Playing History: Lanelli RFC, Lanelli U21’s, Wales Schools U18, West Wales U21

Rich Burden

2nd year Economics DOB: 15/04/81 Position: Flanker Stats: 6’3” 15st4lbs Playing History: Sussex RFC, London and South East Division

2nd Year Business DOB: 08/10/82 Position: Hooker Stats: 6’ 14st Playing History: Welsh Collectes, West Glam, Neath College 1st XV, Swansea U19’s

Peter Snow

2nd Year English DOB: 15/04/83 Position: Flanker Stats: 5’10 13st6lbs Playing History: Wasps U19, Cardiff U19, Bridgend U21’s, Hampshire U20’s

3rd Year Civil Engin. DOB: 15/10/81 Position: Outside Half Stats: 5”7 12st 3lbs Playing History: Ysgol Bromyrddin, West Wales U21, Welsh Schools a U18

2nd Year Geography DOB: 28/10/81 Position: 2nd Row Stats: 6’5” 15st Playing History: College 1st, Wales Army Officer Training Team, Pontypridd U21

top 5

Alex Luff (Cap.)

2nd Year Law DOB: 10/11/82 Position: Hooker Stats: 6’2” 15st4lbs Playing History: Gloucester Colts, Gloucestershire U16’s Tom Roberts

James Cole

4th Year Mar. Geogr. DOB: 12/05/80 Position: Back Row Stats: 6’1” 13st6lbs Playing History: Dorset and Wilts, Salisbury, Methven (New Zealand)

Cardiff University Rugby Development Coordinator

Raoul Tufnell

Tom Green

Nick Monahon

1st Year Anatomy DOB: 16/10/83 Position: Flanker Stats: 6’1” 13st4lbs Playing History: West Glam, West Wales, SW Wales, Swansea RFC Academy, Advanced Ac.

2nd Year Business DOB: 07/08/82 Position: Hooker Stats: 5’8” 13 st 3lbs Playing History: Bristol U21’s, England U21’s South, England South Students

Adrian Evans

Robert Davies

Griff Jones

Oliver Thompson

3rd Year Zoology DOB: 14/04/81 Position: Out. Centre Stats: 6’2” 12st7lbs Playing History: East District U20’s, Kansa City Sundues/Blues, Pencoed RFC

Ali Knott

Cardiff

3rd Year Business DOB: 24/12/79 Position: Lock Stats: 6’6” 16st Playing History: Welsh Univ, Pencoed, Welsh U18, Welsh Academicals

Sam Corfield

3rd Year Business DOB: 26/10/81 Position: Full Back Stats: 5’10” 13st10lbs Playing History: Cardiff U21’s, East Wales U17, Wales U16/19

Third Year Geog/Plan DOB: 31/12/79 Position: Scrum Half Stats: 5’10” 14st4lbs Playing History: Midlands U18, Colts U21, Worcester RFC, Queensland University

Players to watch Chris Baxter Self-confessed quiet man of the team, prefers to spend his nights at home enjoying lingering kisses. Jack Bennet 2 ‘Big Rog’ directs the pain of his forlorn love life into his play. His one wish is for a lingering kiss. Hefin Evans 3 Available most lunch times for one-on-one consultation in the first floor union toilets. Alex Luff 4 The 8ft remedial who plagues the union dance floor. Insanity pleas aside, appears to be finally picking up a degree this year. Raoul Tufnell 5 Team spaceman. When not in his own little world can be found hugging trees. 1

Te a m

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It’s time to kick some Jackass Swansea will not know what’s hit them come February 19. This is the fittest, most skilful Cardiff squad in the last five years, and our blend of flowing rugby will dismantle the Swans with ease Alex Luff Cardiff Varsity Captain

ake no mistake; we’re heading to Bridgend to take the Varsity trophy to Cardiff. That is not a glib statement; during the three years that I’ve been involved with rugby at Cardiff, the set-up here has changed beyond recognition and so has the mentality. We’re now a team of winners. The beer culture that is traditionally endemic throughout Uni rugby has been scrapped, replaced by stringent training regimes and personalised coaching and

fitness schedules. Professional advisers and coaches help focus the talent that has always existed throughout the side. Although the system is in its infancy, and the full benefits will not be felt for a couple of years, this season’s team is the best anyone can remember. And now is the time to prove it. Regardless of the result on the 19th, our rugby sides have made enormous strides forward this year. All three are challenging for promotion in their respective leagues. The first team is vying for the Western Tier One A title, and has already done the double over the Medics, a remarkable achievement considering the many strengths of our local rivals.

These are exciting times. It’s also a good time to be playing Swansea. They were relegated from their division last season, and man for man we’ve got a more rounded, better drilled squad. This match could see us turn the tide of history, finally tipping the Welsh University power balance in our favour. Traditionally, we’ve always had a better spirit than our Jack counterparts. This season, we should be able to out play them as well. Our biggest strength in previous years has been a powerful forward pack, and this year’s team is no different. However, this side is noticeably more skilful. We like to play open, off-the-cuff rugby; spreading the ball to people in space and running at retreating back lines. This is

Interview with Tristan Thomas

The Swans Aha-Tej

Emmanuel Sodeke

Adam Jones

Team manager

Dave Guffick

James Stevenson

Wing

Ian Allen

Second/Back row

Nick Jones

Prop

Hooker/Prop

Sam Rees (Cap.)

150

Unfortunately, Cardiff have failed to win any of the seven Varsity matches to date. However, they came close to causing an upset in 1999 and shared the points in 2001, which would make a victory this year all the more satisfying.

100

151

68 Swansea

TOTAL POINTS SCORED

Wing

Rhodri Hammer

Fly-Half

Tom Rees

Prop

Tim Teflon

Head-to-Head

Cardiff

Pete Burroughs

Olly Davies

Full Back

Centre

Gareth Wright

Fly-Half

Mark Sweeney

1997 Cardiff 11 Swansea 26 1998 Swansea 49 Cardiff 13 1999 Cardiff 13 Swansea 17 2000 Swansea 28 Cardiff 18 2001 Cardiff 10 Swansea 10 2002 Swansea 21 Cardiff 3

probably where our increasing fitness levels will pay the biggest dividends. The Varsity match is played in the spirit of a Barbarian game, with a reluctance to kick or play negative rugby. If we can recreate the sparkling play that has proved so effective this season, we should dismantle the Swans defence and wow the crowds. But our main priority will be to restore some pride. Those six defeats have hurt every single team member. As anyone who has ever represented the University will know, a look down at the crest on your shirt is all the motivation you’ll ever need. I hope we’ll have 17, 000 people behind us on Wednesday 19th, because it’s time to kick some Jackass.

Scrum-Half

Prop

Huw Thomas

Hooker/Prop

Centre/Wing

Flanker

Jack of all trades, master of boredom Sam Rees Swansea Captain OBVIOUSLY WE'VE got a good record but that goes out of the window come the day of the game because it's a one-off game and anything can happen. I don't want to be the first Swansea captain to have a losing record. The first twenty minutes is pretty key, regardless of either

side's form. In previous years it’s been a real dogfight, especially early on. The team that has got on top early on has gone on to win it. We are eight from eight in BUSA and we've won a couple of recent friendly games so we are in good nick. We've also got a few BUSA league games left, although we've been promoted and won

our league. For us, Bridgend is closer and it's still a good ground. Hopefully the surface will be OK so we can get on with the game. Cardiff versus Swansea is a big rivalry and a big game that comes with the nature of the event. Hopefully nothing will overspill and we can have a good, clean game. Interview with David Williams

“ Varsity Guide page 8

P r o v i n c i a l

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Photographs by Ellie Jones

We’re fit. We’re talented. We’re focused.

The lads set to bring the Cup home

Hartpury begin to find gaps The Jack army, in an ultra masculine pose

Half-time huddle, with a long way to go

Well taken from the captain under pressure Both sides showing safe line-outs

No-one gets past our man Griff Jones Cardiff keeping Hartpury on their toes.

Inside GRiP: Comedy at the Sherman with Dave Gorman

LOVE IS IN THE AIR Features look forward to St. Valentines day Printed at Westcountry Design and Print

Monday 3rd February / Free Word 734

gairrhydd

“As recommended by Nearvana”

Outrage at new top up fees plan remain unconvinced by the measures, fearing the creation of a ‘two-tier’ system in higher education. STUDENTS MAY soon be Former civil servant for paying tuition fees of up to education Sir Michael Bichard £3,000 a year under condemned the fee increase controversial new and urged the government to government proposals. continue its financial The government’s longassistance to subjects that do awaited higher education not necessarily lead to high funding review contains plans earnings. that may leave the average He stressed that arts graduate owing between £15students in particular would £20,000. be adversely affected because From 2006, students will of their limited earning not have to start paying power compared to their anything until thay have peers graduating in fields graduated and are earning such as law and architecture. more than £15,000 a year. The NUS is furious and There will be no interest forecasts that student debt increases on loan repayments, will rocket to £30,000 under but means testing will extend these proposals. to the incomes of step-parents NUS President Mandy for the first time. Telford believes £1,000 for Plans to charge increased poorer students will not help. amounts for popular courses She said the issue of and top universities have led student debt needs to be to widespread criticism. looked at again. But Tony Blair has The NUS is considering a maintained higher fees are shutdown of higher education imperative in ensuring across the UK, with a student Britain’s elite universities walkout from lectures to remain among the world’s demonstrate their anger over best. top up fees. He insisted British students NUS Wales is also planning a regional day of action for the last week of February. Cardiff Union Communications and Community Officer Ellie King emphasised that the COMMUNICATIONS AND COMMUNITY OFFICER University’s VC has recently ELLIE KING

Anna Hodgekiss and Peter Bramwell report

will still pay less than their US counterparts. He also stressed that the new system will mean they will not have to find the cash in advance. The paper estimates that the new plan will mean that higher education will receive an annual increase in funding of around six per cent. Means-tested grants of up to £1,000 may be introduced for the students whose family income is less than £10,000. This attempts to quash allegations that the plans will discourage applicants from working class backgrounds. A regulator is also to be established in order to ensure that more students from poorer backgrounds enter university. Students training for selected public sector jobs will not have to pay fees. Clarke and Higher Education Minister Margaret Hodge now plan to travel the country promoting the reform and promise “a frank and open debate” with staff and students. Students and academics

“We will continue to put pressure on the University and campaign for the abolition of fees.”

Clarke’s proposals will change the way higher education is funded by students denied any intention to introduce top-up fees. “We will continue to put pressure on the University and campaign for the abolition of fees,” she said. Universities in Wales could still remain immune from topup fees. In its biggest boost to powers since devolution, the Assembly may be given complete control over higher

education funding in Wales. In talks with Education Secretary Charles Clarke on 22nd January, Welsh Secretary Peter Hain discussed the possibility of devolving student finance. He said, “There are compelling reasons to make this change. “The Assembly already funds Welsh universities, and as student fees are now to be

part of funding for institutions, there is a logic to such a transfer.” Welsh Education Minister Jane Davidson has stated that even if the Assembly were given powers over student financing, she would look very carefully at funding. She said, “I have not totally ruled out the idea that top up fees would be introduced in Wales.”

Union fears agencies may spark housing panic John Collingridge reports

“The good houses are let quickly, so try to view now!” - Easylet “The good houses go first, so make sure you book early.” - Imperial Services

STUDENT HALLS of Residence are being targeted by letting agencies and landlords in an attempt to encourage an early housing rush. Easylet, an agency who claims to have “No.1 student lettings” and “Ten years experience in housing”, have targeted Talybont Halls of Residence with flyers, despite the fact this is prohibited. The leaflets encourage early viewings and urgency with phrases such as: “The good houses and large houses go first, so make sure you book early.” But they conversely advise that students, “Do not choose the first house you see.”

The leaflets list the other necessities of booking early including “a small deposit to reserve the house”, “a bond upon signing the agreement” and “a charge of one weeks rent and VAT is payable”. Residences and Catering Division Accommodation Manager Tracey Pycroft said, “A number of agencies including Easylet have come to us asking if we will allow them to promote on site. “University policy does not permit this, so we were surprised to later find their leaflets in mailboxes.” “As a response, all leaflets have been removed. We have put up posters advertising the Housing Fayre on 4th February, and the Residence Division’s own quality-

assured housing list.” “We are trying to promote the message that there is no need for students to panic. “A decision on housing should not be rushed into. Students should not feel pressurised by agencies.” A private landlord who asked not to be named said, “I get students coming to me earlier and earlier each year. “Before, the main rush

would start round about March or April; now they’re all coming to see me soon as they get back after Christmas.” Other agencies catering for the student market have also targeted halls. Over the 200102 term, Keylet sponsored a Halls night out to Zeus (now Creation), providing a bus service to and from Talybont, and featured a sign-up and query desk in the nightclub.

“NO-ONE LIKES PAYING, BUT WE HAVE NO CHOICE.” OPINION CONSIDERS THE FUTURE COST OF EDUCATION, P.6 News p.1–6 ● Letters p.11 Features p.17 Blagging p.10 ● Sport p.21 ● GRiP p13 ● TV listings GRiP p13

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News IN BRIEF Endsleigh slow to pay up Welsh girls outstrip rest

February 3 2003

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Help for eating disorders

EATING DISORDERS Awareness week is running from February 2 until February 8. The students counselling service (SCS) is taking this opportunity to remind students that they are available to give advice to anyone who is having problems with eating. Vicky Groves, of the student counselling service, said: “The important thing for any sufferer to remember is that they are not alone.” Students can call in at the University Health Centre or at the counselling services office at 47 Park Place.

Iraq film screening ALT&SHIFT (students for global justice) is screening an award-winning documentary in a showing on Wednesday. “The Hidden Wars of Desert Storm” focuses on the first Gulf War, and features interviews with protagonists such as General Norman Schwartzkopf. It explores issues behind the conflict, and ones that arose after it such as the Gulf War Syndrome disease that still afflicts servicemen. The showing will be on Wednesday February 5 at 6.30pm in room 2.01 in the Humanities Building. Entrance is free.

Kebabathon! THE NUS has launched a new internet computer game called Kebabathon!. The object of the game is simple: Danny Timpson has been locked out of his house after a night on the lash, and must get back in, kebab intact. There is a serious point to the game however - if Danny can get back in, so can thieves. The NUS hopes it will increase crime prevention awareness in an amusing way. Kebabathon is being passed around via email and the game is also playable at www.nusonline.co.uk.

gair rhydd ADDRESS University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN

of the UK

John Collingridge reports ENDSLEIGH INSURANCE the company that describe themselves as “the No. 1 in the UK for insuring students” - has recently come into conflict with students claiming from them. Following a robbery at her property in which £5,000 worth of belongings were taken, one Cardiff student described Endsleigh staff as “unhelpful and incompetent”. The 2nd year Marine Geography student, who asked not to be named, described how their house of five had been burgled in early November. The house was emptied of valuables in a daytime burglary; amongst other things, she had a laptop and camera stolen. Endsleigh has still not paid up, maintaining that because she had a new computer it was not covered by the policy. The shop in the Union building directed her to the city centre branch. She said she was given various phone numbers to call, with little result. “They’re taking f****** ages,” she said. “My housemates with other insurers like HSBC had their

Judith Clay reports

Endsleigh Insurance - “No. 1 in the UK for insuring students” claims sorted before Christmas. It’s really insensitive.” Another student in the house who is also with Endsleigh has only just had his claim processed despite there being no discrepancies - two months after the burglary. Francis Howard, Wales area Manager for Endsleigh said the company was very troubled by the allegations.

Cardiff pioneering TUC-sponsored university post Edward Walker reports THE TRADES Union Congress (TUC) has chosen Cardiff University to host their first sponsored university post. The new initiative will see Professor David Walters PhD take up the role of TUC Chair of the Working Environment. The three year renewable partnership between the TUC, Wales TUC and Cardiff University School of Social Sciences is seen as a “historic step forward for the trade union movement and academia” by their General Secretary John Monks. School of Social Sciences Director Professor Huw Benyon saw the partnership as “a major development”.

The main focus of the group will be upon the role of unions and union representatives in workplace health and safety, accident prevention in small firms and the development of rehabilitation policies. Prof Walters was chosen for the role as he is considered a world expert in these fields. Professor Walters’ expertise on health and safety issues will be of great benefit to the South Wales community in particular as the area suffers one of the highest levels of unemployment and incapacity benefits in the UK. The research should enable firms to develop more comprehensive prevention and rehabilitation methods in health and safety matters.

EDITORIAL 02920 781434 ADVERTISING 08451 300667 EMAIL SSUGR1@cf.ac.uk VISITORS Find us on the 4th floor of the Students Union

Students’ Union Lecturer: Professor David Walters

“The whole reason Endsleigh was set up was to protect students not rip them off,” she said. “All claims are dealt with by Head Office in Cheltenham - not the offices in students’ Unions which just deal with sales.” “I can’t comment on the reasons for delay in this specific case, but we promise that if these students pop back to the Cardiff Union

office we will do everything possible to solve their problems.” Insurers in liaison with the police recommend taking extra precaution especially over the holiday period. Windows and doors should be securely locked, and it is recommended that photographs of valuable items be taken to “prove” their existence in the event of a claim.

IT’S THE naked truth: Welsh women are the classiest underwear owners in Britain. While in the rest of the UK a third of women confess to not even owning a single set of matching underwear, a third of Welsh girls own between six and ten matching sets. A survey conducted by lingerie retailers Bravissimo also found that nationwide, 40 per cent of women own “pulling pants” reserved for those special nights out, and one in ten would be horrified if they met Mr. Right on a weekday while wearing anything else! Two thirds of women surveyed also said that they did not own a sports bra, which could cause long term damage if not worn regularly while exercising. The survey identified four “character types”: 40 per cent are ‘Comfy Claires’ prioritizing feel above appearance, while ‘Practical Paulas’ form 21 per cent who are “unexcited” about underwear style. 29 per cent are ‘Mismatch Mandys’, while one in ten UK women are set addict ‘Saucy Suzies’. Hands up all you Welsh Saucy Suzies out there then!

News

February 3 2003

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Ex-lecturer Thefts: every little helps blasts course overcrowding John Collingridge reports

Anna Hodgekiss reports A FORMER Cardiff University lecturer has hit out against university admissions practices of “piling students high and selling them short”. Dr Colin Evans has made a series of attacks against the Creative Writing department since he was replaced last year during a reshuffle. In a statement to gair rhydd, Evans now says the problems endemic in his former department are present across the higher education system in Britain. The ex-lecturer alleges that an increased number of students over and above the number planned have been accepted into the ENCAP department to deal with ongoing financial problems. He also questions how courses such as Creative Writing can be taught in large

was one of a number of Creative Writing staff who were informed contracts would not be renewed. Head of Department at the time of the reshuffle Dr David Skilton has since resigned in what department insiders describe as dubious circumstances. However, University officials strenuously deny any wrongdoing. A spokesperson for the University said, “The University totally refutes Dr Evans’ claims, which form part of a long running series of allegations (via letters to individuals, web sites and newspapers) against the University since ENCAP ended its association with him in January 2002.” She continued “The University, which currently receives 25,000 applications for 4,000 places, welcomes applications from prospective

STUDENTS HAVE been targeted in a recent spate of bag snatchings at the Albany Road Tesco Metro. One of the victims was Cardiff University’s Academic Affairs Officer Minelle Gholami, who had her bag stolen whilst shopping on Friday January 24. She described the response of the Tesco store manager Peter Bolt as “very unhelpful and unsympathetic.”

He said, “I cannot guarantee the security of people’s possessions in our store and I cannot guarantee their safety. It’s just like on the street; the police cannot guarantee your safety, and nor can I in this store.” When challenged by Ms Gholami that he had just one store to watch while the police had an entire city, he is understood to have replied: “Oh, now you’re just being silly.” The store is often a crime

target. In the space of half an hour on that Friday there were three incidents of bag thefts. The store also loses £65,000 of stock every year due to shoplifters. However, Tesco Metro has chosen not to participate in the citywide police radionet scheme. It allows radio contact with other shops and businesses in the area to forewarn about known shoplifters and suspicious characters. The

cost of the radionet is as little as £1 per week. The store employs security guards but chose not to announce over the PA system that thieves were operating in the store following the incidents. Police advice is to keep an eye on your possessions at all times and to be exceptionally vigilant in areas of high crime. They recommend never leaving bags or purses in trolleys, but keeping them on your person at all times.

“We don’t feel our tuition fees are justified. It’s not value for money.” CREATIVE WRITING STUDENT lecture theatres. This is a situation Dr Evans insists did not exist when he was at university. Teachers used to focus on providing feedback to carefully selected groups of students, he said. Describing the teaching environment in British universities, Evans says there are “bums on seats, hearts elsewhere”. A Creative Writing student who wished to remain anonymous told gair rhydd “Since the reshuffle classes seem really unstructured, there’s no emphasis on deadlines and word limits are very hazy. “We don’t feel our tuition fees are justified with only six hours of lectures a week. “That’s not good value for money at all.” This latest statement by an ex-lecturer follows negative accusations by Dr David Greenslade last summer. He

undergraduates who have the potential to succeed. “The value of this approach is reflected in Government statistics which suggest that students are more likely to succeed at Cardiff than at comparable leading universities. “Undergraduate applications to the School remain one of the highest of any in the UK and the high calibre of students is such that average entry point score of applicants is 24.86, significantly above the national average. “In 2001 the University received an overwhelming endorsement for its quality procedures by the Quality Assurance Agency for Higher Education. “The University has procedures within each department for student feedback to help evaluate and inform the future content and delivery of courses.”

The Albany Road Tesco Metro store

Temple of Peace service remembers genocide victims Simon Baylis reports LAST WEEK’S Genocide Remembrance Day was marked by a memorial service in Cardiff’s Temple of Peace. The multi-faith service was organised by The Welsh Centre for International Affairs and was attended by around 300 people. Speakers included the Right Honourable Rhodri Morgan,

the Welsh Assembly’s First Minister. The service marked the liberation of the infamous Nazi concentration camp at Auschwitz on January 27 1945. Over 6 million Jews and other minority groups died at the hands of the Nazis in concentration camps like Auschwitz. The date of liberation has been established as the European

Dr. Colin Evans’ full statement “Students are packed into lecture theatres with no group work or chance to practise creative writing. Little feedback leads them to become passive consumers. “Students get accepted who do not reach the course requirements and the relevant department does nothing to bridge the gap. “Quality procedures in Cardiff University proved totally incapable of protecting students last year. Students must be able to give frank views of their course quality and be heard outside the lecture theatre and department. “Students, parents, dedicated teachers and employers all get sold short.”

Rhodri Morgan and friends at the Temple of Peace

Union’s Genocide Remembrance Day. The service remembered the victims of the Holocaust but also victims of other genocides - such as those in Cambodia and Armenia. The co-organiser of the event Alan Swartz said “It is very important to remember the holocaust, but it is also sad because people haven’t learnt. There is still genocide today around the world such

as in Rwanda.” Mr Swartz went on to say that “the holocaust affects everyone and all people are victims.” The service involved guest speakers from many different religions, including representatives from the Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim, Sikh and Baha’i beliefs. Children from all over Wales took part in the service, reading their own award winning poetry. There was music from the West Glamorgan Youth Wind Ensemble and from the Penylan Synagogue Choir. The service also included drama from the Neath and Port Talbot Youth Theatre depicting the suffering of the Jewish people under the Nazis. The central themes of the service were remembrance, peace and hope for the future. The service in Cardiff was one of a number marking Genocide Remembrance Day taking place throughout the United Kingdom.

War in Iraq

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Between Iraq and a hard place

As the stormclouds of war gather, Ian Brown, freelance writer and a former human rights worker in Iraq, examines the state of play in the Middle-East

“T

he values we stand for are freedom, human rights, the rule of law, democracy.” These were the words of Prime Minister Tony Blair to a gathering of British ambassadors last month. This month Mr Blair is poised to commit British servicewomen and men to a war against Iraq. The declaration of war will be made using the Royal Prerogative, a power transferred from monarch to prime minister three hundred years ago which gives the prime minister the unilateral right to wage war. Mr Blair could, of course, authorise a parliamentary vote on the issue but has so far blocked demands by over one hundred MPs to do so. For the moment, therefore, the voices of democraticallyelected representatives of the British people count for nothing. JORDAN Two men, one British, the other American, stand ready to go to war with or without the backing of their people, their democraticallyelected institutions and the wider world community. “Iraq’s time is up” was UK Foreign Secretary Jack Straw’s blunt response to Hans Blix, the chief UN weapons inspector, following the latter’s request for more time to investigate the discrepancies in the Iraqi weapons count. As justification for war Mr Blair says there is a direct threat to the security of the UK from Iraq’s weapons of mass destruction, yet he has so far failed to provide evidence. Mr Blair has not spoken publicly of the Iraqi men, women and children who will be killed and maimed by thousands of cruise missiles,

nuclear ‘bunker-buster’ bombs and the quarter of a million troops of the invasion force he and Mr Bush are prepared to use. Neither has he talked of the projected casualties among those British and American troops. Mr Blair has not outlined his plans for the future of Iraq and the region, nor has he spoken of the cost of war SYRIA to the British taxpayer. He has said nothing about the impact of war on the British economy. He has failed to prepare the British people for reprisal attacks in the aftermath of war, except to further erode civil liberties. Yet Parliament has no H2 constitutional right to seek H3 answers to these questions;

1900

Island of Diego Garcia, Indian Ocean 6 B-2 stealth bombers plus fleet of B52s Red Sea Task force 51 led by USS Belleau Wood – 3 amphibious assault ships, 1,500 marines, 23 helicopters, 6 harriers

Balad

Asad

IRAN

Amariyah Kashat

IRAQ

Dawra

Fallujah Taji

Hakam

Salman Pak

Alleged chemical weapons facility

Jarrah

Alleged biological weapons facility Alleged nuclear weapons facility Amarah

1990 Iraq invades Kuwait with alleged agreement of US 1983 Donald Rumsfeld now US Defence Secretary - meets Saddam to negotiate arms and trade deal

1963 Abd al-Qassim overthrown by Ba’ath Party in CIA-assisted coup

1952 The British-installed King of Iraq is overthrown by General Abd el-Qassim in a popular revolt

1998 The weapons inspectors are withdrawn from Iraq by US President Bill Clinton. Scott Ritter, former UN weapons inspector, declares that "as of December 1998 we came close to zero level in terms of Iraq’s ability to produce or maintain weapons of mass destruction".

1990

1975 1968 Saddam Hussein rises to power within Ba’ath Party after a second coup

Iraqi military base Iraqi airbase

Tuwaitha

Saudi Arabia

1972 Iraqi oil nationalised

Mediterranean Sea USS Harry S Truman Carrier Battle Group with 7 cruisers, destroyers and submarines with Tomahawk cruise missiles Task force of 16 ships with 5,000 sailors and 3,000 marines led by aircraft carrier HMS Ark Royal

10 RAF Tornado and Jaguar attack aircraft

parliament is impotent 7,000 air force personnel and Mr Blair knows it. Salman A growing number in Britain appear to know it, too the antiwar groups Tallil are mobilising too. The – two-thirds of people Stop the War Coalition has consistently express organised a march in London disagreement to the war – and are mobilising to stop Mr on February 15. SAUDI Teresa Goss, secretary of Blair going to war in their ARABIA the South Wales Coalition, name. Whether he has this message: “War is not During the bombing of heeds those arguments inevitable and the more Afghanistan 70,000 people perhaps depends on people who go on the marched through the streets how loudly and demonstration the better.” of London in protest. In Mr Blair is an idealist. If he creatively the case September 2002 400,000 against war continues to is genuinely committed to marchers said no to war be made. values of freedom, human against Iraq. Last month Teresa Goss is optimistic: “If rights, the rule of law and thousands of people took to the demonstration is really democracy, as he told the the streets of major cities and good, I think we can stop diplomatic corps in January, demonstrations are being Blair.” the anti-war movement can stepped up at military bases We will all have to watch take heart and must remain throughout the UK. carefully over the coming convinced that he will listen Time is short for the months to decide if she is right. to its arguments. demonstrators, however. A

1950

1921 British Colonial Office draws a new line in the sand across Southern Iraq, creating Kuwait

Turkey 50 F-15 and F-16 strike jets and Black Hawk helicopters

Key

Jordan 6 Tornados 4 Jaguar attack aircraft 4 Harriers

1932 Iraq recognised as a sovereign state and joins League of Nations 1917 Iraq (including Kuwait) becomes a British mandate

decision by the two leaders is imminent. Mr Bush says he will present evidence of Iraq’s ‘material breach’ of the crucial UN Resolution TURKEY on February 5. The weapons inspectors are due to present a second report to the UN Qayyarah West Security Council Sharqat on February 14. But

1988 Iran-Iraq war ends in stalement. One million dead.

1979 Saddam Hussein declares war on the Islamic Republic of Iran with the tacit agreement of the US which wants the overthrow of Ayatollah Khomeini. Britain and the US equip Iraq’s military and provide chemical and biological weapons.

KUWAIT Kuwait 150,000 troops, 30 fighter bombers, 12 stealth bombers, 18 helicopters

November 2002 UN resolution 1441 is passed calling for Iraq to allow the return of weapons inspectors and the destruction of remaining weapons of mass destruction

United Arab Emirates U-2 spy planes, Mirage fighter-bombers 8 bombers

Oman

2 RAF Nimrods Qatar 3,500 combat troops, US central command HQ Djibouti 3,000 special forces

Feb 5 2003 George W Bush is due to expose Iraq’s material breach of resolution 1441 and finally reveal the ‘smoking gun’

Mid-Mar 2003 Closure of ‘window of opportunity’ for an invasion of Iraq as the temperature begins to rise significantly

Today

2000 1991 Iraq is expelled from Kuwait by a coalition lead by the US. Iraq is ordered to pay reparations and to destroy all weapons of mass destruction under the auspices of the United Nations (UN). Sanctions are imposed on Iraq to make Saddam Hussein comply with the UN resolution.

The Persian Gulf 3 warships and 1 hospital ship

September 11 2001 Destruction of the Twin Towers and the beginning of the War on Terror January 27 2003 UK and US governments dismiss the assessment of chief UN weapons inspector Hans Blix who says that Iraq is co-operating and the inspectors need more time to investigate discrepancies in the Iraqi weapons count

Feb 14 2003 UN weapons inspection team due to report back to the UN Security Council

News

February 3 2003

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CRIME FILE VEHICLE CRIME TWO VEHICLES were recently damaged whilst parked outside student accommodation. The first car was damaged outside Cartwright Court, whilst the second incident in the week occurred when a car was parked outside the Gordon Road student Hall of Residence. Students are being reminded not to leave anything visible inside cars and anything suspicious should be reported to police and security.

ASSAULT ADVICE FOLLOWING THE recent spate of attacks on students, Cardiff University’s Community Liaison Officer PC Bob Keohane is urging students to stay safe. The officer advises students to walk home in groups if possible, to stay on the main roads and to carry an attack alarm.

BAG SNATCHER POLICE GAVE the following advice after the recent spate of snatch and run thefts along Albany Road. As is reported on page 3 of this issue, the bags were stolen from shopping trolleys left unattended for just a few seconds. Police said students should take care with their personal belongings at all times, but especially when in high-crime areas of the city. When shopping, students are advised not to leave bags or other personal items in a shopping trolley or basket as this is an easy target for thieves.

MORE BREAKINS SEVERAL STUDENT houses in the area were broken into in the last week. PC Bob Keohane suggests that students should leave a light, radio or tv on to discourage any attempted burglaries. If any student has any information on these or any other crimes, please contact PC Bob Keohane on 02920 527268 or University Security on 02920 874444. PC Bob’s website is at www.cardiffstudents.com/content/police.

Crackdown on e-plagiarism Mark Cobley reports THOUSANDS OF students across the country are facing tough new tests for cheating this month as part of a new UK-wide scheme aimed at combating plagiarism. But Cardiff University is not yet participating , so potential essay cheaters here may not have much to worry about. The scheme, which is being run by the Joint Information Systems Committee, offers free advice and a plagiarism detection service to all of Britain’s universities. The new service means that academics can now test students’ work against a vast database of essays – including ones from ‘essay cheat’ websites which offer model answers to many questions. Tutors can submit a piece of work via e-mail, which will then be checked for copying. Four hours later the work will be returned to the tutor with sections of it highlighted in colour according to the amount of cheating that has been detected – red for more than 75 per cent, then orange, yellow, green and finally blue for less than 10 per cent of the work coming from a copied source. Dr Malcolm Read, executive secretary of the

committee, said “We have seen a growing trend – we have recognised that the internet makes it technically easier for students to find resources and copy them. “It is also easy to lift text by cutting and pasting. “We are also concerned about the emergence of essay banks on the internet. We want it to be easy to spot fraudulent work.” The scheme is now running nationally after a successful pilot period in October. Despite this, a Cardiff University spokesman recently said that this institution was not yet involved. “We are aware of the JISC initiative, but we have not been involved in the pilot scheme and as yet we have not been informed of the outcome of those pilots. “When we are informed of that outcome, the University will be asked to consider whether it wishes to be further involved in the future.” “Cardiff University takes the issue of plagiarism very seriously and places great emphasis on ‘prevention rather than cure’ by advising students on the importance of avoiding plagiarism and the serious penalties which can be applied when it is detected.”

World Vision goes hungry for a day to help starving Africans Charlotte Spratt reports YOUNG PEOPLE in the South of Wales are officially the gluttons of the UK according to a recent survey. World Vision, the international relief and development agency, discovered that 15 to 21 year olds in and around Cardiff consume on average four meals a day. They also discovered that 14 percent are eating over ten portions of fried food a week. The charity carried out the survey to highlight their latest 24-hour famine fundraiser.

Judy Watson, head nutritionist at Farmacia Urban Healing, said “Malnutrition is something we might associate with the developing world. “Yet if Britain’s teenagers don’t eat a balanced diet, they are in serious danger of becoming under-nourished.” The organisation, who help over 75 million people in 100 countries, stress the importance of eating five portions of fruit and vegetables a day. The 24-hour famine began in 1986 and has since become one of the UK’s most successful youth fundraising campaigns.

The money raised helps fight starvation in southern African countries. World Vision’s Kenny Wickens said, "We wanted to show how many food choices Britain’s teenagers have compared with people in developing countries. The 24hour famine isn’t just about raising cash. "It’s about feeling hungry and understanding what people in southern Africa are going through every single day." To join the fundraisers in their famine of 21-23 February visit www.24hourfamine. org.uk.

World Vision’s 24 hour famine strives to help fight starvation in African countries

gair rhydd takes its fortnightly look at gair rhydd the places and people making the ...World Roundup... headlines in Wales, Britain, Europe and the World

CAPTAIN BEANY BIDS FOR ASSEMBLY WALES: The “irrepressible Captain Beany” is set to be one of the more unusual candidates for this years’ Welsh Assembly elections. And the leader of the New Millennium Bean Party has made an appeal for fellow “human beans” to come forward and become candidates for the elections. “Wales is fast disappearing before our eyes.” Captain Beany said.

“Everything we hold dear is slipping away and all the Assembly has done is give away free bus passes. ‘There must be plenty of other superheroes in Wales who feel it is time to take a stand. “You could be a homemaker bored with washing up, a student bored with study or a road sweeper bored with sweeps - one month fighting the May election with the New Millennium Bean Party could change your life forever.” Interested ‘superheroes’ should contact Mr. Beany at planetbeanus@hotmail.com or call 07870 885497.

now been cleared of infringing on toymaker Mattel’s trademark and “sullying Barbie’s reputation”. And the ruling - by America’s Supreme Constitutional Court - has declared the song to be “social commentary or parody”. gair rhydd Music writer Alex Macpherson declared himself relieved at the ruling. “I used to be embarrassed at owning a copy,” he said. “But now I know it’s social commentary I’ll go back to playing it all the time.”

‘LAWYER BARBIE’ LOSES AQUA CASE

Intergalactic Superhero Captain Beany

USA: The makers of children’s toy Barbie have lost their legal appeal against the record company behind popstars Aqua. Fans will be pleased to know that the Danish group’s 1997 hit “Barbie Girl” has

MPS’ ABUSIVE INBOX UK: In the first week since a new email censorship system was introduced to Parliament, over 900 emails sent to MPs have been ruled ‘offensive’. Sir Archy Kirkwood, spokesman for the House of Commons Commission, said: “on occasions, constituents might use strong language. “For example, if they are writing about an issue on which they have firm views, or if they have suffered a bad direct experience.” He added, “Emails that have a high proportion of the most offensive obscenities are blocked automatically.”

The standoff began after Patriarch Bartholomew, leader of the Greek Church, held several meetings with the Pope. According to the monks this is heresy since the Orthodox Church split from the Catholic Church almost 1,000 years ago. The monks have now had their communications and food supplies cut off, but say their persecution is “a joy”. The head of the monastery, Abbot Methodios, said the monks’ motto was “Orthodoxy or Death”.

REBEL MONKS’ MOUNTAIN HOLD OUT

Life in plastic is fantastic

GREECE: More than 100 Greek Orthodox monks are refusing to leave their monastery despite being ordered out by church leaders. Monks’ leader Methodios

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Across: 7 8 9 10 11 12 14 17 19 20 22 24 26 28 29 30 31

Black playing-piece with white spots (6) Whole (6) Alcoholic drink, doesn’t rhyme with your Dad (3) Tucked up for the night (4) Group of musicians (4) Backward boy (3) Liquid used as anaesthetic (5) Mythical woodland beast (5) Coral island (5) Sport played at Twickenham (5) Substance used by bakers and brewers (5) Consistent curve (3) Boast (4) Tide of minimum height (4) Bathing vessel (3) Blood fluid (6) Opulence (6)

NON-SABBATICAL OFFICERS SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Contact Geraint Edwards on edwardsg@Cardiff.ac.uk I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Contact Natasha Amaradasa on amaradasaNE@Cardiff.ac.uk STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Contact Natasha Hirst on HirstN2@Cardiff.ac.uk WOMEN’S OFFICER: Contact Melanie Whitter on whitterm1@Cardiff.ac.uk. BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Ayesha Chawdry on at ssufc1@cardiff.ac.uk Xpress Station Manager: contact Hiten Vaghmaria on StationManager@Xpressradio.co.uk. POSTGRADUATE OFFICER: Contact David Manning on manningdj@cardiff.ac.uk All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union. AU VICE PRESIDENTS: Alex Menary on menarya@cardiff.ac.uk and Kia Smith on smithk7@cardiff.ac.uk IMG CHAIR: Billy Lee on leeb5@cardiff.ac.uk Let’s hope that a mature students officers position will be filled ny next issue.

Earn £££s working with dangerous animals. Full life insurance and suicide pills provided. Contact 02920 781434.

ACCOMMODATION Luxury room available now. student/working female. Lisvane street. Tel: 20667037 or 07966 175284. £210 per month.

Suit Liver and kidneys for sale, £30. One previous owner, quite well worn, selling for cashflow problems. Contact gair rhydd for details.

Room available in Talybont North, en-suite top-floor flat. Available immediately! Call Sam, 07980901804 Rooms available in Mackintosh Place to share with five girls. Includes all modcons and large lounge and kitcken with two bathrooms. £195 per month phone 02920 630103 or 07714 202683

EMPLOYMENT Christmas is dead. The corporate fest will surely have sucked you dry, there aren’t any employment prospects here as yet, but watch this space...

MISCELLANEOUS Guitar, blue Fleetwood, semi-accoustic. Good condition. £200 ono. Contact Hannah on 07788695455 Miscellaneous is the place for all your unclassifiable messages, that would be shout-outs, birthdays, well, just about anything really. Be heard! Help us stop having to fill with the following nonsense: For sale: One set of teeth. Possible male. Only two fillings. Original owner’s age estimated at 73 (at time of death). £100 o.n.o.

Christ almighty, this section used to be stuffed with pictures of ‘crazy’ students doing all kinds of ‘crazy’ things with their ‘crazy’ friends. Why no more? So a plea; please, please get some random pix of yourselves doing whatever it is that you do, so long as it’s legal. Hell, even if it’s not we’re not going to tell anyone. I’m confident that as soon as some mug sends in a picture of themselves in a bath with their flatmates or some such similar nonsense the the proverbial avalanche of the kind of truly ‘miscellaneous’ rubbish that we love will come cascading through the doors of the gair rhydd office. Oh, by the way, do make sure you put gair rhydd’s number in your phone, it’s 0 7 7 9 1 1 6 5 8 3 7. Text us, go on. Embrace the new technological revolution. We are waiting to hear from you.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with a ‘hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

CROSSWORD

Complete the crossword, fill out the form and pop it up to the gair rhydd office which you’ll find conveniently located on the fourth floor of the Union and win! Win I tell you! Win! Last edition’s winner was crossword kingpin Stephanie Tan. Pop up and collect your prize voucher. Nice one. Last for tnight’s answers: Across: 7, Parole 8, Errata 9, Rub 10, Openly 11, Indeed 12, Lot 14,

Down: 1 2 3 4 5 6 13 15 16 17 18 21 23 24 25 27 28

Burrowing Australian marsupial (6) Temperate (4) Number of years in a ruby wedding (5) Discharge from army (abbrev.) (5) Cigarette butt (4) In the forefront of fashion (6) Scent (5) Old crone (3) Beam of radiation (3) Wily (3) Afternoon meal (3) Open out (6) Covered with heavenly bodies (6) Sacrificial table (5) Strong rope or chain (5) Fight for breath (4) In immediate succession (4)

WIN!

From gair rhydd’s favourite hangout...

Retry 17, Brent 19, Eddie 20, Cheat 23, Legal 26, Bye 28, Ignore 29, Lounge 30, Via 31, Plunge 32, Titter

Down: 1, Magpie 2, Corner 3, Meryl 4, Debit 5, Trader 6, Strewn 13, Oddly 15, Toe 16, Yet 17, Bel 18, Egg 21, Hugely 22, Around 24, Equate 25, Angler 26, Bevel 27, Elate

NAME:________________________ E-MAIL:_______________________ If love is they key, then what is the key-hole? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

Gourmet platter for two, with coffees and bottle of wine Open ‘til 11, seven days a week. Coffee bar with BYO license! Own roasted coffee. Next to Wetherspoon’s, City Rd 02920 472300

gair rhydd 03 02 03

Comment • 9

passing

COMMENT

HELLO TO MALAYSIA/HORSE PORN/NEW! POPMASTER/YOU KNOWS IT/WAR AND PEAS/SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR/CHOIR NEWS/I LUUUURRVE GREEEEN JELLY By Msr. D.C. Gates, S.J.

AMN IT! Why are you still here? Why are you still reading? Well, as you haven’t turned run off to the next page as yet, you might as well stay. Welcome to Passing Comment, the page that’s dying on the vine, the page where self-loathing and dawdling meet, where fingers find use for idle time. And as the liquid brick wall of a hangover forces its way through my veins and my senses, I consider the all-too-familiar duty of this frequent pilgrimage to the personal shrine of putting a thousand words of shite to print. Ah! dear reader, what sweet terror you must feel at the torturous wait for the paper to appear, only to find its pages festooned with this idiotic and pointless drivel. It’s a good thing that gair rhydd doesn’t cost anything.

human beings. Sitting at home, composing idiotic messages - themselves a desecration of our language - and ordering fried chickens, cola and those new-fangled ‘pizza pies’: this is what we have become. So whilst we are trapped in a state of indolence, the sinister underground powers of super-intelligent computers make ready their plans for a complete war on humanity. And when the time comes, we will face the robotic hordes with nothing but puny flab and hopelessly out-classed extensions of nineteenth-century technology. Act now, before it all becomes too late!

Mister Cobley’s article concerning the USA’s war programme. I would like to add that the growth of US imperialism has long been an explanation offered by sections of the left. In this context, the political influence of the oil companies over the USA’s government - an economic imperialism masquerading as free trade - seems only a junior partner in a process that has been going on since the mid-nineteenth century. That is to say, empire-building expansionism in the cause of liberty. More on this below, albeit in a protracted fashion...

tabloid. (Incidentally, this man is usually in his late thirties, and whose entire military career was either spent in the barracks or the pub - the armed forces as a career option, natch.) And the point of all this? It seems that the press is disgruntled that an international anti-war movement has been built without their prior approval - with the bizarre exception of The Daily Mirror, and the radical left-wing papers, which are always ignored until a soundbite/reference is needed. Anyone can see that a regime cannot be successfully overthrown, except by the people who endure the conditions under it. Bombing the living shit out of Iraq, and then appointing an unelected, CIAtrained ‘autonomous’ leader will alter nothing for its people, except a change of personality-cult imagery on the walls of their homes. Much like the ‘correction’ of Hungary by the USSR in 1958, or Pinochet’s replacement of Allende, this is oppression in the name of freedom. (See? Tenuous link with the last paragraph. Told you!)

their thought and attitude, along with “what, so you want mile-long queues for bread, and a secret police, do you?” It is a response that requires no amount of intelligent thought at all, beyond that of the ‘Saturday Essay’ in The Daily Mail. Even the few Stalinists amongst the revolutionary socialist movement have gone beyond this stereotype. Socialism is a reaction to the activities of self-serving politicians, those who have sold our birthrite of continuous, hard-worn struggle against the ruling classes for a plastic, no-questions-asked future. Rather than a parliament whose members spend their days in capitulation and bribery, instead self-elected community councils and that means any group of people, whether students, workers in a call centre, or trade unionists. It’s not idealism, it’s about participation, and it’s the only way to rid ourselves of war-mongering, Armani-clad pricks with their lips round Satan’s dick.

YOU CAN STICK YOUR WAR UP YOUR ARSE, MR BLAIR

A shifty-looking type writes: On a different, less self-deprecating note, let us turn to the wretchedness of man. (Ladies, don’t think you’re not included in this - I would have used the term ‘humanity’, but my sentence wouldn’t have had the same ring to it.) Thousands of years of progress, and all we have achieved is a subordination to the fruits of our labours. That’s right: I’m talking about the scourge of human decency that is the mobile telephone. With its insidious intrusions into every corner of our lives, these ignoble devices are surely an attempt to thwart our development as

No, I don’t know what the hell that was all about. It seems that all I have to do is turn my back for one minute to have some sneaking lag come and spunk his words all over my screen. It’s a disgrace, I tell you. If it’s not Brian Blessed, it’s fucking conspiracy theorists with overblown writing styles. This country is going to the dogs - well, the dog, as we can’t even muster enough disgust to have more than one. (Perhaps we should swap it for some ferrets or weasels, as I believe they can give a nasty nip, and don’t let go once they have hold of you.) Still, that intrusion has used up quite a bit of space... At this point I would like to add my thoughts regarding some material in the previous issue of gair rhydd. Firstly, on

It’s quite astonishing how much a casual glance at the paper can result in a paroxysm of rage. Here we are: The Guardian, Jan.23rd - some liberal goon decrying the anti-war slogan ‘Not In My Name’ as silly, as if not being entirely satisfied with the small details of a cause entitles you to consider it totally invalid. What better example of that paper’s smug “let’s not get too carried away” attitude could we hope to find? Small wonder that it is continually lampooned by The Sun (most recent example: a caricature of the typical ‘Guardianista’), and sacks writers for disagreeing with the editorial line Mark Steel, anyone? Of the same ilk is the cry of “disgustin’!” from the alleged ex-paratrooper as, down the pub, he reads “ASYLUM SEEKERS, WOGS, PAPISTS TO GET FREE FOOD, HOUSES AND £200 ON ENTRY” on a discarded

Dustbin of History BRADY ‘PANCAKES’ O’BRIEN (1974- )

With the aid of a prudent investment plan and several newspaper columns, the decapitated stoner and his hand-picked (so to speak) band of technicians remained secure throughout times of national financial unrest. ‘Notes From A Severed Head’ is a GATHER ROUND, my friends, and read the terrible popular column in The Illinois Mercantile Tribune, tale of one man’s desire for immortality, of a cold giving its readers insights into the world of a man gone colder, all head and no heart. This is the fantastically rich dead stoner. tale of ‘Pancakes’ O’Brien’s head.The natural life of By now you are probably wondering why a Brady O’Brien began in 1947, but as we are successfully re-animated cryogentically-frozen concerned with his current, rather more cold severed head is not known about in the rest of the existence, this will only be a brief summary. Brady world. This is no doubt came of age amidst the down to his ruthless turmoil of sixties America, attitude to publicity, for where his parents were over the years O’Brien has considered very carefully shielded himself progressive. So progressive from unwanted press were they, in fact, that from intrusion. His scientists’ an early age young Brady secret methods are, of was using all manner of course, worth millions, or recreational drugs. On his even more, and it is twenty-second birthday he speculated by the few came into a considerable aware of Brady outside of fortune after the death of his naive Illinois that he is his uncle, a newspaper holding out for a large magnate, and spent the rest enough offer. Others reckon of his life, in his own that his silence is down to words, “getting totally his excessive drug use, baked”. which, in a curious reversal Unfortunately, by 1974, of his natural life, actually years of constant toking had caused his immune ABOVE: O’Brien, on his daily ‘walk’, caned out has a health-giving effect upon him. Indeed, with the system to collapse, leaving of his face, as usual. “Awww, man. I’m like aid of an assisstant and his him susceptible to illness. soooo caned. Like David Bowie on onions” apparatus, he ‘walks’ the O’Brien eventually caught grounds of his house, caning biftas and dropping a really bad cold, and died that November. During his sheets of Easter. These nay-sayers are no doubt illness he had read about cryogenics, and was a keen jealous, as thanks to his scientist and their machines, investor in research into cryogenic freezing. Thus, O’Brien enjoys a realtively full life. After all, his immediately after his death his head was severed and current activities are not too different from his connected to a series of machines, and frozen. previous life. Resuscitation was attempted and proven successful, Oh yes. why the nick-name of ‘Pancakes’? and soon O’Brien was yakking away in hi stoned According to a friend, who wishes to remain drawl just as before. (O’Brien’s team of scientists anonymous, O’Brien once ate thiry pncakes at one have never disclosed their methods of reanimating sitting back in 1969, cleaning the house out of batter him, no matter the sum offered. Brady refuses to and Jif lemon. comment to any reporters.)

A misinformed pedant writes: Hang on! Last issue Gates said he was a Marxist, and thus must mourn the passing of the Soviet Union. What’s going on? Gates replies, in full dialecticalmaterialist mode: This is the standard bag o’ shite issue that is generally taken with anyone who confesses a socialist bent to

So far I haven’t mentioned anything concerning St. Valentine’s Day, about which I had completely forgotten. mind you, I must hold a Valentine’s Card record, having received none for the twenty-two years of my life. Pretty cool, huh? Okay, here’s a joke composed by one of the gair rhydd staff: so I go into this brothel, right, and a young lady asks if I want super sex. I only went and had the soup, didn’t I? Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Competitions • 10

gair rhydd 03 02 03

BIG WIN CIRCUS ++ COMPETITIONS, PRIZES AND PAGE-FILLING COMEDY TIMEWASTING ++

All aboard the Funtime Express A

h, the magic of the railway. The laughs of children, the ‘poop poop’ of the engines, the leering toothless smiles of the drivers. It all harks back to a golden age of steam long before the transport industry’s reputation was ruined by Jimbo and Budgie the Little Helicopter. The frauds. Recreate those rosy moments of packing a picnic in a straw basket, slinging a tartan blanket over your arm and just bunburying off on a jolly old train journey. A sweet girl on your arm and a pipe full of opium in your mouth, perhaps a few servants to sit on... the whole day ahead of you and miles of scenic countryside ahead of you... who cares where you end up? As long as it’s not Swansea, obviously. You can do all this and more, and save a few guineas into the bargain, by getting hold of a Young Persons Railcard. Young Persons Railcards are available to anyone aged 16-25 and cost £18 for a whole year, and entitles the holder to a third off most rail fares in Britain. They are available from any railway station or travel agent. You are also eligible if you are a full-time student over the age of 26. If you don’t feel like reaching into your pocket, or are some kind of vagrant and so can’t provide the proper ID, or even if you happen to be an old man who looks like a 16 year old due to a serious genetic disorder, then you can still acquire one of these rather special pieces of cardboard. We have five Young Persons Railcards to distribute to the leaden masses of this university. All YOU need to do to win one is answer the tricky question below and send us your answers in the usual way.

Win a Young Persons Railcard

gairrhydd

Which bearded smuglord owns top rail company Virgin? A: B: C:

Drop your answers and pigeons into the Competitions pigeon hole in the gair rhydd offices on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union. Or post them to: gair rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Or ‘electron-mail’ them to: gairrhyddcomps @ hotmail.com

Gandalf the Grey Richard Branson My gran

Liberty Fraternity Lingerie

ho knew that pants were so complicated? The same pair of brown y-fronts with yellow piping have lasted me and my father since the early seventies and we have no complaints. That said, there is a demand for fancy pants these days. My late-night tours of Talybont with binoculars in hand has revealed that first years own, on average, four pairs of pants which they rotate throughout the year, frequently in front of their bedroom window lit tastefully from the back. Pant wholesalers Republic (www.jointherepublic.com) are giving away five pairs of space-age pants to the drooling pervert who can answer the following question correctly. Each pair may or may not be worn by Yours Truly before being distributed. It’s the risk you take.

Loud and Clear T

his February the Smirnoff Experience Tour hits Cardiff Union, headed by superstar DJ Carl ‘it’s magic’ Cox, who is only too eager to start spilling his musical honey-ichor into your thirsty ears on the 17th February. NUS ENTS have four pairs of tickets to this breathtaking audial potage d’amour du jour to give away. Win Carl Cox We also have tickets and four crates of the former Smirnoff Soviet Union’s favourite tipple, Carl Cox and Smirnoff vodka Smirnoff: one is loud, to wet your one is clear. Which is whistles. which?

Rock on the roll R

ock hats on, bitches, as the NME Carling Awards Tour 2003 rolls into town. Still recovering from the outrageous backstage antics of sherbert enhanced Cheeky Girls last week, the Union is preparing for February’s star-studded Rocktacular. This year’s tour opened at Barrowlands in Glasgow, Europe. New rock faces like international crimefighting team Interpol, animated soap powder boxes The Thrills and sheet-wearing Apparently The Datsuns are spooksters The Polyphonic Spree the best thing to hit the make up one of the best line ups music industry in years. the NME Awards Tour have ever seen. Cream of the milk is allsausage dog combo The Datsuns, whose drummer Ian (pictured) is recovering after an incident involving a frisbee. The tour is storming southwards towards the ‘Diff, consuming in its path the cities of Glasgow, Manchester, Birmingham and Leeds. The pop juggernaut will descend upon us on February 8th... and you can be there. We have three pairs of tickets to the NME Carling Awards Tour 2003, being held on February 8th in the Great Hall. Just answer the question below. If you don’t win, don’t worry: you might be stupid, but that’s never been a reason not to enjoy the best in rockutainment. Simply pick up the telephone and call the NME Ticketline on 08701 663 663 to admit to your utter failure as a human being.

Win a pair of tickets for the NME Carling Awards

Win a pair of Republic pants

Where did this year’s NME Awards Tour kick off?

What is the Republic web address?

++BIG WIN CIRCUS: YOUR FIRST STOP FOR FREE TAT++

I’m David Blaine... lemme take you back to my hotel room, show you what you really want.

A: B: C:

Barrowlands, Glasgow Iceland, Albany Road No Mans Land, 1917

gair rhydd 03 02 03

11 • Letters

Letter of the fortnight The author of this fortnight’s star letter wins a glass eye (blue iris) Dear gair rhydd, I’m concerned with the amount of violence in Cardiff, highlighted by the article you ran on the front cover of last edition’s gair rhydd about a young man who was unfortunate enough to have been the victim of a violent attack. But like it or not, in any city in the world there will be violence, it is unavoidable and a fact of life. Therefore we have to be responsible for ourselves and make sure that we don’t take unnecessary risks, it’s just common sense. There is no excuse for violence at all, but the student featured in the aforementioned article knew full well that the police advise students not to use the lane between Park Place and Cathays, but he still chose to take the risk of walking down it and paid a harsh price. Similarly last night while queuing to get into a nightclub in Cardiff the guy in front of me refused to return to the back of the queue when the bouncer pointed out that he had pushed in. He refused to move for five or six minutes, blocking the door and saying “go on then, hit me!” to the bouncer. The bouncer slammed him to the floor and dragged him down a nearby alley. A little while later the guy returned from the alley with a gushing nosebleed. There is no excuse for the bouncer’s aggressive behaviour, but the foolish club-goer again took a stupid risk and paid the price. My point (very similar to the editor’s in last edition’s editorial) is that it’s naive to saunter around a capital city such as Cardiff without paying heed to common sense, the Police and relevant authorities are responsible for making the city as safe as they can, but we still have to be responsible for ourselves. Yours, Kevin D English Student Lettersdesk says: Wise words my friend, there truly is no substitute for common sense and demonstrating a healthy sense of vigilance. Listen to Kevin D and our Ed, and avoid a mouth full of broken teeth!

Exam Sham Dear gair rhydd, Congratulations go out once again to the examination board for the complete shambles the spring exams turned into this year. Seriously, how long is it going to be until they get it right? Anyone who had the misfortune of being in Talybont at 9.00am on Tuesday the 14th will know what I'm talking about here. It appears that once again the mathematics department were responsible for misprinting a question, this time in a linear equations exam that was impossible to answer. “Ah!” I hear you exclaim, but why should this bother a city and regional planning student? Because I had to sit a two hour exam at the same time which was constantly and continually interrupted by the senior invigilator who it seems not only had to inform everyone in the hall that there was a mistake in this exam, but then made continued suggestions and assurances of what could be done to rectify it. Not only is this a huge distraction to candidates trying to deal with the subjects that they have to write about, it’s also a huge indication of the piss-poor attitude and sheer incompetence of those who compose these exams. There is no excuse for getting THE QUESTIONS wrong, and those who write them should be forced to publish an apology in gair rhydd, not only to those students affected directly by this ineptitude to get things right but to those other students who lost valuable time in their exam as they were continually interrupted by the 'suggestions' of the invigilator. Surely there should be a policy which states that if an exam is interrupted by an

invigilator then extra time should be given at the end to make up for the time lost by having to listen to him or her and for students to recover their train of thought. It's simply not good enough and once again the University has let down its students severely. Adam Damerell 3rd Year City and Regional Planning

Safe as Houses Dear gair rhydd, Just thought I would offer a word of warning to first year students who are sorting out their houses for next year. It’s easy to get carried away with the excitement of moving out of the ghettos that are halls, but it’s important that you only sign on the dotted line when you are completely happy with your proposed house. There is an abundance of houses available in Cathays, throughout the year, don’t let the agencies fool you into thinking that finding a house is a race against time, it’s quite the opposite. So take your time, and don’t settle for second best. Good luck! Kathy 3rd Year Lettersdesk says: Sound advice Kathy, and never forget that most housing agencies are cowboys! Yee haw! (Only joking of course). Have a look at Features to see how the best way of going about finding a house and living in harmony is done. You can only blame yourself if you fuck it up though.

War Words Dear gair rhydd, I am pleased to see that Mark Cobley does have an opinion on the war in Iraq in these present day fence sitting times (Why Bush is going to war, Jan 20th 2003). However, I also feel that his opinion seems to ignore facts. Cobley manages to sum up Saddam Hussein in one sentence near the end of the article, completely neglecting to mention that in 1986 Iraq contravened the Geneva Convention by using chemical weapons on Iran and that in 1988 Iraq turned its chemical weapons on Iraqi Kurds, dropping bombs containing mustard gas, Sarin and Tabun on the Kurdish city of Halabja killing between 3,200 and 5,000 civilians. Oh…. and how can I forget the mass genocide committed by Iraq under Saddam Hussein known as the ‘Anfal’ offensive - a seven month scorched-earth campaign in which an estimated 50,000 to 100,000 Kurdish villagers were killed and hundreds of villages razed. Must be one of those things that just slips your mind hey Mark. I also like the part where he manages to somehow show support for middle-east countries developing "powerful new armies".... because that is bound to help world peace. He then goes on to condemn the American plan to deter countries from "aspiring to a larger regional or global role", so he obviously thinks that Saddam should be sitting comfortably in his nice new Kuwaiti presidential palace at this very moment. Going on these opinions Cobley surely condemns the allies’ actions to prevent Nazi Germany from "aspiring to a larger regional or global role" and committing mass genocide (apparently an easy thing to forget). Yours, Somebody not keen to be an American war puppet, but even less keen to allow the murder and persecution of tens of thousands of human beings

Touch My Bum Dear gair rhydd, Do my eyes deceive me? Are those posters adorning the walls of the innards of the Union actually suggesting that The Cheeky Girls are playing in Solus? Fucking hell, I know Lash was supposed to be cheesy but this takes the piss. I remember seeing those two on Pop Stars; The Rivals a while back on telly. I must say I was mightily relieved that the panel of judges gave them the boot and sent them packing back to Transylvania. But in true Chumbawumba style they got knocked down, but they got up again and now at the pinnacle of their career (because lets face it girls it’s downhill from here) they’re gracing our Union. But is this a wise move? Surely the entire Cardiff population of pissed up rugby boys will make it their life mission to engage in a Rumanian romp involving a cheeky sandwich during which there will be more than a bit of arse touching. Make sure gair rhydd gets the photos. Cheeky Boy Lettersdesk says: Hmm...tasty....

A Member Writes Dear gair rhydd, As a member of Act One and a second year student at Cardiff, I would like to reply to the anti-panto ‘Act One Connoisseur’ letter last week. I auditioned for the panto last year, this year and for other shows, sadly I didn’t get in them but as part of Act One I went and supported the shows anyway. Well I thought this year’s panto was absolutely brilliant and superbly funny. Chris Coof was amazing as Captain Hook, Smee was the funniest there and Peter Pan ruled. The dancers were well organised, superb and gorgeous and got my vote and money two years running. Charlotte Spratt’s review was typical of a gair rhydd writer, concise, to the point and excellent as ever. GR didn’t have to review it but they did and once again did it well. So to this ‘Act One Connoisseur’, you’re a wanker mate, who do you think you are, some shit joker? At the end of the day, don’t be jealous. Is it because you didn’t get into the show? Act One connoisseur? More like Act One Poofter.

HAVE TEXT WITH gair rhydd 07791165837 Put your hand in your pocket and grab your device! Text us, we’ll print practically anything! And don’t forget to include your name wiseguy.

Love from, A Very Satisfied Act One Member Lettersdesk says: OK, but you don’t do yourself any favours with spelling mistakes like ‘connesseeer’and ‘jelouse’do you (of course these were duly corrected by your diligent letters editor). Thanks for the praise though. And a fair point made.

There Was a Crooked Man... Dear gair rhydd, Who is Britain's most 'crooked' pensioner? You see, there is an old geezer I always see on Albany Road (for no apparent reason I shall call him Jack) who has achieved the internationally recognised body stoop of 45 degrees. I first saw Jack perched on a bench opposite Woolworths, and was surprised and I'm ashamed to say not a little delighted to observe that when he stood up he remained at exactly the same angle. I had hoped that local legend would explain all, perhaps he had been unexpectedly punched in the stomach by Rocky Marciano back in '46? Or maybe he had been used as a human missile during experimental war time catapult research? Or did he simply spend too many childhood years looking for conkers? Discreet enquiries have proved fruitless as Jack apparently keeps himself to himself, indeed he may take his secret to the (L-shaped?) grave. He appears to suffer little discomfort from his condition and is worthy of this patronisingly over-used term Ponyupthedough Lettersdesk says: Well thanks Miss Dough for writing in and telling us that there is a man who often walks down Albany Road who has a crooked back. And for anyone who can do better and find.a more interesting subject matter to discuss, (and surely that is all of you) then get writing. Leave us no space to put in such dreary bollocks. Flaunt your incredible wit, experiences and show off your stylish scrawling skills. We await with baited breath.

He’s got beer, but I’m texting gair rhydd!

“Dear gr, the 2 guys in the text gr ad look like young alan partridge on the left and on the right like that blinky dude off last of the summer wine. Cheerio.” “Laloe of uni hall wears a cheesewire thong to woo and poach” “The union never adequately informs students about the booking fees and credit card fees. Can the gair rhydd look into it?” “Isn’t a cornish sex god the same as an incestual fuck? inbreeding is sick. the rulers of eighteenthcentury england cherished the death sentence.” “In regards to those chuffing awful poems, i’d just like to say, fucking cornish! cast ‘em off and let them drift into the atlantic! Regards devonshire pete” “Hello. Just HOW good does grip look this week? Thumbs up to Dan for his justin timberlake article. Nice! Love from a bored tv amy” “The best bit in gr is the tv listings. They truly are a work of genius. xxx Marianne, bored post grad” “Just watched wife swap! Its so good! i wish i had a wife so i could swap her and be on the show!!!! colin xxxx” “just saw the cheeky girls poster in the union. off to get my tix!” “Justin timberlake looks like a gay porn actor in those gr pictures.” “Ploorly mizpelt tect massag””

Please send your letters in to us at gair rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail GAIRRHYDDLETTERS@HOTMAIL.COM. gair rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

et TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP

02 Hello again! Another fantastic week in Cardiff with gigs galore and the promise of more excitement to come. The Six Nations and Varsity games are just around the corner, but before the nation’s Rugby infatuation commences once more, there’s so much going on that these pages can barely contain the excitement. We almost had to abandon ‘Coming Up’!

Hearts on Fire

Semester Two gathers pace 3. Indie goes global

Beautiful Liars

NME Brats Tour featuring The Datsuns, Polyphonic Spree, Interpol and The Thrills @ Great Hall, Saturday 8th February Do you never make it down the steps of Cardiff Barfly? Do you always hear about the most exciting acts only once you read the review a week later in this hallowed publication. If so, tonight is for you. After a year’s absence, NME bring their rightly applauded package tour back to Cardiff. This year it’s the turn of New Zealand’s The Datsuns to headline. From the time that rock forgot when most of us weren’t even born, they own records by men with lots of hair and come across slick and

Idlewild + guests @ Great Hall Friday 7th February Tel 02920 781458

idden behind a pillar, amid the squeal of feedback, Roddy Woomble once screeched A Song Is A Beautiful Lie. Ten people watched, five sipped their pints and maybe two left the building and made their way home. This was the scene 6 years ago for Idlewild as they toured the UK for the first time. Today they offer the ultimate guide to how to mature and develop

without compromise. The first hyped band to hit their peak with their fourth album, Idlewild now function with proper pop songs, but still sound just as exciting and distinctive as before. This is the first tour with their new line up after the loss of Mad Dog Bob last year but by the time they reach Cardiff, everything should be in tune. This is a defiant lesson for all those Manics fans

Tickets £12.50

4. Honour for Hughsie

who greeted their heroes descent into stadium rock with grim acceptance. Idlewild remain the band you and your friend cannot fail to agree about: literate with stripy indie sweaters, a meeting with Bob from Shellac, and a set bristling with A-listable pop songs. A brilliant tale of tenacity and self belief. Idlewild remain the band to watch.

Wales vs Bosnia, International Football @ Millennium Stadium , Wednesday 12th February Fresh from being honoured with the Welsh Sports Personality of the Year award, Mark Hughes leads his troops into a clash with Bosnia. It’s only a friendly in preparation for the vital clash with Azerbajin next month, but it should be a good encounter. Since the Azerbajin game is sold out, it may also be one of the last chances final year types will get to see football at the

Tickets: £13 Tel 02920 781458

stadium. When Wales qualify for Euro 2004, but England don’t, you may be glad that you have a British team left to support. Tickets once again are reasonably priced and one more reason to make a trip to the stadium is never unwelcome. Tickets £11 -16 www.cardiff-stadium.com

5. Celtic Smiles all round

2. Operatic Overtones

Ed Byrne + support @ St David’s Hall, Wednesday 12th February

Welsh National Opera Various Performances @ New Theatre For all of you about to enter the real world, perhaps a night at the Opera may have more to offer that you think. Impress interviewers and parents alike as you explain how your interest flourished following a chance night out in Cardiff. Experiment with that expensive dress before the ball season begins and attract adoring glances from the city’s middle classes. A grown-up night out really has a lot to offer. There’s plenty of performances to choose from as another season begins. Spanning the next two months, here’s your chance to put your

sleazy without a hint of irony. More exciting are gair rhydd’s best live act of 2002, The Polyphonic Spree. 26 robed members offer a memorable series of songs about the sun infused with harmonies and epic melodies. Here’s one band who won’t be returning anytime soon. Meanwhile, 80s grinders Interpol recall the memory of Joy Division, whilst Morrissey approved The Thrills are fourth on the bill, a place once filled by Starsailor and Coldplay.

latest loan installment towards getting some tickets. First up is Cavalleria Rusticana, an Italian production with English subtitles. Later in the season, for those of you preferring the sound of the English language, there are two English productions, The Elixir Of Love and Jenufa. The Welsh National Opera has a splendid reputation and these performances are sure to be as popular as ever. Tickets £8 - £35 Info: www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk

Staff list

GRiP editors: Robin Jackson & Nick McDonald (gairrhyddgrip@hotmail.com) Get there: Neil Krajewski (gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com) Arts: LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft (gairrhyddarts@hotmail.com) Music: Andy Parsons &Gemma Jones (gairrhyddmusic@hotmail.com) Books: Jane Eyre & D.C. Gates (gairrhyddbooks@hotmail.com) Film: Neil Blain (grfilmdesk@hotmail.com) Television: Alex Macpherson, Amy Butterworth & Steve Hurst (gairrhyddtvdesk@hotmail.com) Games & Web: Chris Pietryka (gairrhyddgames@hotmail.com)

Ed Byrne is fast emerging as one of Ireland’s leading comics. This month, he becomes the latest in a series of renowned comics to visit South Wales in 2003. Famed for his appearances on ITV’s Stand Up Britain and regular guest slots on The Comedy Channel, his show is sure to generate plenty of smiles around the auditorium. Live comedy can admittedly be somewhat hit and miss as

comics quickly cobble together live shows to cash in on their moment in the spotlight. Ed is used to the stage though, having done a stint working in the West End and is almost certain to impress tonight. If you don’t manage to get tickets for the football (see above) why not go along. Tickets £12.50-£14.50 www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk

In this issue of GRiP... 05:Arts

Experience the pleasure of Dave ‘I am Dave Gorman’ Gorman

08: Music

See if Badly Drawn Boy behaves badly live.

15:Games/ 06: Film web

Check out the Golden Globes, and The Wild Bunch

Take you virtual shopping and view Moby’s web

14: Books

See how reading has evolved and explore the murderous side of books.

17: TV

Rip up the TV Times and look at something less boring instead

GRiP

Union nights and

Sunday 09/02

special events.

Mondays Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free before 11. £1 after Fun Factory is a Cardiff institution. Officially billed as ‘the beginning of the weekend,’ it’s a chance for those of you who like alternative music to take over Solus from the Jive regulars. All music types are catered for, from Blink 182 to Blur, which makes Fun Factory an essential Monday night venue. Sticking to a more alternative schedule, and doing it justice, trot along on 3rd Feb, to see Shaun ‘Happy Mondays/Black Grape’ Ryder spinning some discs. As an extra incentive, Bethan Elfyn, from Radio 1, will be doing a turn before the man hits the vinyl. Later on in the month, Carl Cox is the special offer at Fun Factory on 17th Feb.

Tuesdays Comedy Club @ Seren Las 8pm, £3.50 Fancy a night off from loud bands and clubs? Try out this weekly night of much hilarity and wine. This fortnight featuring appearances from Francesca Martinez and Jarred Christmas on 4th Feb.

Wednesdays Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00. If you are clever enough to get

Monday 03/02 Psychid + Feeble + Headtest @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Psychid have probably met the Electric Soft Parade since they’re signed to the same (tiny) label. They may have learnt from them how to compose fabulous pop songs that impress your girlfriend’s sister. If they achieve that they’ll do it an 80s style with echoes of the Human League. Gosh!

Tuesday 04/02

Fridays Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £3.00 Chart hits and popular classics reign supreme in this immensely popular night. Look out for future youth of the city. All I know is that it’s in the Bay, next to the Coal Exchange. A full guide may follow in future weeks.

Thursday 06/02 The Warlocks + Nuclear Fish @ Barfly 7.30pm, £5 The Warlocks have seven members, bigs songs, big drums and possibly big hair. Sadly not from Denmark and nothing like Fugazi. Nevertheless, the spotlight has been on them of late and you should arrive with epic-sized expectations Midasuno + Pete’s Sake + PR - 1 @ Clwb Ifor Bach 8pm, £3 Local types fast rising up the roster. Invited to play tonight at Clwb at the request of local producers. To think I never knew that producers were such nice people Sum 41 + The Mighty Mighty Bosstones @ Cardiff International Arena 7pm, £15 Had you forgotten them or do you play their juvenile nonsense every morning. Praise is due for having an arena tour and keeping ticket prices down. Perhaps they saved money by rescuing the Bosstones from a ditch somewhere. Whatever it is, they’re back.

Saturdays Normally: Come Play @ Solus 9pm - 2am, £3 One of the UK’s top student nights arrives at our very own union featuring funky pop and guest DJs. Double Vodka and Redbull at a mere £2. But on 15th Feb, go Desperate And Dateless! The night has been dubbed as the biggest blind date ball ever, and all for a good cause; the British Red Cross.

Sunday Taf Quiz Usual format. Even the BBC’s autumn TV schedule doesn’t beat this! And Sunday nights do tend to really drag on. Don’t be forced to watch Heartbeat. Go out, do the quiz and have a drink. You have nothing to loose, and so much, so much, to gain.

Friday 07/02 Lear + Gabrielle 25 @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 More local types. From the valleys possibly. Rahzel feat JS1 @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £10 The human beatbox extraordinaire from the Roots makes a return to Clwb. Stand and watch in awe or dance if you should feel so inclined. Idlewild + guests @Great Hall 7.30pm, £13 See left. Delicate Awol+guests @ Howard Gardens, UWIC 7.30pm, £1 UWIC students, £3 other Touring their critically acclaimed new album, out-rock pioneers turn it on at UWIC. Watch out for future gigs here too.

Saturday 08/02

NME Awards Tour feat The Datsuns, Polyphonic Spree + Interpol + The Thrills @ Great Hall 7.30pm, £12.50 See left Kiss This + Okra + Baxooka @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Kiss what? Oh, how original. Bet they have never heard that before.

Saturday 15/02

Akaysia Parker + Pinstripe Mafia + Munda Plinto@ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Enjoy.

The Ravonettes + guests @ Barfly 7.30pm, £6 The Danish element that these pages have so obviously needed. It’s back to the days of drone that indie forgot and for anyone who owns Psychocandy (or BRMC records) will tell you that’s no bad thing. One of the few new bands that may be worth the hype. Def Leppard @ Newport Centre 7pm, priceless

Tuesday 11/02

Sunday 16/02

Monday 10/02

Low + guests @ Bristol Academy 7.30pm, £10 adv One of the gigs of the year so far. Admittedly, since we’re only 6 weeks into the year that’s not a grand statement. The last three Low albums are all incredible. Very slow, very atmospheric and utterly beautiful. Watch and admire one of rock’s greatest couples. It really doesn’t get much better than this.

Wednesday 12/02

Los Pacaminos feat Paul Young @ Barfly 7.30pm, £12 Everyone’s mother has an amusing music habit I suspect. My mother’s most frequent lapse occurs when I praise Neil Young and she asks if I know the song ‘Wherever I Lay My Hat, That’s My Home’. When I politely explain, she admits she really meant 80s ‘pop idol’ Paul Young and has not in fact struck by my namesake’s songwriting mastery. Neil’s still going strong, whilst Paul has founded the hot text mex outfit which he brings to Cardiff tonight. Only those with huge bank balance can afford to offer a comparison

Thursday 13/02 Peter and the Test Tube Babies @ MS1 Club, 7.30pm, £7 US Independent punk

Friday 14/02 Small Victories + The Loves + Black Car @ Barfly 7.30pm, £4 Valentine’s night special from the

Kinesis + Reuben + Miss Black @ Barfly 3pm, £5 Promising rock acts together for special joint show. Ed Harcourt @ Clwb Ifor Bach 7pm, £9adv Yes, that was nine whole pounds. Last time I paid nine pounds to get in Clwb was to see Dave Gedge and he’s been releasing records for over a decade. Down with acts that overcharge their fans claiming to pay special intimate shows. Ed’s not all bad though. Perfect pop songs to open a festival, but perhaps not enough quality to last an entire Sunday evening.

Coming Up Valentine’s Day may have passed, but the semester is not over yet. Yes, there’s till more excitement left in the bag. Take a glance below. Saturday 22nd February Turin Brakes + I am Kloot @ Cardfiff University, Great Hall £13.50adv Promoting their new album and almost certainly set to be fantastic. I am Kloot are very special too. Sunday 2nd March Bowling for Soup @ Great Hall, £10adv The Big Man is back with more space to party than his last outing at Barfly. A perfect class outing if this university offered courses in American Studies. Some we don’t you may be able to spend your Sunday more wisely elsewhere.

Films on release in Cardiff... 8 Mile Starring: Eminem Eminem proves that anything Vanilla Ice can do, he can do better, by acting his socks off in 8 Mile, by Curtis Hanson, the man responsible for classics such as LA Confidential and Mmmm Bop.

Lord Of The Rings Starring: Elijah Wood

Catch Me If You Can Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio

More fighting than 1,000 lions doing kung-fu. And the bit when Legolas slides down the stairs is good enough to reduce grown men to tears. What more do you want? Blood? You got it! Tangled manes: aplenty.

Based on a true story, DiCaprio plays Frank Abagnale Jnr, a con-artist who frauds his way across America with a FBI agent hot on his trail. Good in an interesting, but not too challenging kind of way.

Chicago Starring: Catherine Zeta Jones, Renee Zellweger

Gangs Of New York Starring: Mr DiCaprio, Daniel Day Lewis, Cameron Diaz

Big Screen adaptation of the West End hit musical with Renee Zellweger and Richard Gere. Lots of legs for the boys and songs for the girls, it’s the perfect first date movie

An astounding performance by Lewis as a rather disturbed butcher, and DiCaprio as a hard nut. Scorsese sprinkles his magic over it, and job’s a good ‘un. Action filled and gruesome.

Get There

Goatboy + Wishing Hour + Everything for Some 7.30pm, £4 After Whipping Boy and Echoboy, we have Goatboy. Perhaps a novice tribute to the Elephant Man but one can only speculate. INME + Jarcrew @ Mount Stuart Club £7.50adv INME are playing in Cardiff, but where? Well, you’re wise to ask because this is the Get There debut from Cardiff’s newest venue. Formerly the Point where it used to host cringe worthy has beens who couldn’t afford to hire the Coal Exchange, it’s now providing for the

Descent @ Seren Las 9pm, £3/4/5 For all who want that little something different. This fortnight things are going bonkers with the mad scientist of Drum’n’Bass, John B, with some other no doubt awesome support. Enjoy this night on the 12th Feb. Go early, doors are at 9pm. Said before, but will say it again, Descent is always a good night out and definitely worth trying. Go on. Get there!

performances from similarly kitsch entertainment, in the same vein as last weeks’ Cheeky Girls.

band who used to be Tommy And The Chauffeur. A perfect occasion to woo or be wooed. (Unless you’re off to see Low in London!). Huster / Silent Running Love Party @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm, £8 Party into the early hours with the one who reminds you of why you’re so happy. Teenage Fanclub + Eugene Kelly + Vera Cruise @ Bristol Academy 7pm, £10 Quite simply the most underrated British band of the last decade. Touring their greatest hits which everyone should buy their best friend for their birthday. Brilliant pop songs, cute, but not too wet. This really should have been ‘it’!

Cardiff’s listings in full

Live Music

yourself involved with a sports club during your time in Cardiff then Wednesday nights will only mean one thing – Jive Hive. Playing all the greatest hits from the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s, karaoke classics and all the cheese you can handle.

Star Spangles + guests @ Barfly @ Barfly 7pm, £6 In a break from the usual routine, there’s no afternoon show this week. Instead we get the latest installment in suited NYC retro cool providing you’re of legal drinking age. Jess Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter @ Chapter Arts Centre 8pm, £6 Majestic alt country. Amen @ Newport TJs 7pm, £8.50 adv Amen - one of the saddest stories in metal. Two years ago it looked as though they were certain to break through as the diminutive Casy Chaos rolled around the floor of our union as part of the NME tour. Now, label-less, skint and desperate to release another album,they return to Wales after a lengthy absence. Rock as it’s supposed to sound - loud, abrasive and thoroughly captivating.

Get TCardiff’s here listings in full

GRiP

04 Arts Until 4th February - Act ONE present Henry V, Cardiff University Great Hall Go along and support Act ONE as the run comes to an end. Forthcoming Act1 stuff. The diary looks packed for this society. And to be included next issue a preview of Utter Politics, not cheesy, but classy. Running from 18th-22nd Feb.

Clubbing Mondays Rational Thinking @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Drum’n’Bass DJs are promised in ultra student surroundings. Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus. Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh? Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for. Universal @ Liquid 9.30pm-2am. Student night. Hotel Yorba @ Barfly 10.30- 2am, £2. DJs from Emerge night in Clwb on Saturday. Music policy dubbed “indie/alternative”, and has been said to have a jolly nice atmosphere. Go, after the bands have finished, to dance the night away. This means you can enjoy similar fun two nights a week.

Tuesdays Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk. Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyone’s money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in! Definitely Maybe @ Barfly 10.30pm - 2am, free NUS Indie from across the decades. £1 a shot on house spirits, £1 Carlsberg bottles. Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am, £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses. Vodka @ Creation Cheap entry and 50 different flavours of Vodka. Superstition @ Moloko 9pm -2am. A night of Soul, Motown, 70s Disco and Nu Jazz. Sounds marvellous. Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd. Student Night @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place. Open til 1am just like most places. Alternative Beats @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day. Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thought it. YMCA Night @ Flares 8pm, I dread to think what this might entail. Take Warning @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Ska Punk Night with cheap drinks. It’s sweaty, it’s smelly, it’s dingy and it’s actually great fun! Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously. Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s. Sam’s; used to be a top live venue.

Wednesdays Free and Easy@Barfly for one week only: 5th Feb 7.30pm, Free Gair Rhydd, Xpress and Live Music Society present Free and Easy. Eclectic music and open decks. All welcome, come along. The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. Why you would bother going now that Martin Carr has moved away defies belief. This is where every good aftershow party should take place though. It’s a shame that there’s no worthy gigs on Wednesdays over the coming fortnight. Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average. DJ Nicodeamus @ Moloko Electro and Funk in plush surroundings. Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out. Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name. Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am, £3. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out. The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke from the 60s and 70s. The value of the 80s continues to be denied so I recommend a boycott! Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing. National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective. 80s Night @ Barfly, (normal night) Barfly parades its late license and introducing a night of tunes to help us forget Thatcher. She’ll die soon. Have you made plans for the funeral? Student Night @ Royworld The same as most other student nights I suspect, but with a shorter walk home than Clwb. Free to get in too. Drunk as a Skunk @ MS1 Club, Cardiff Bay £15 3 bands, rock DJs and as much as you can drink and eat for one all inclusive price. It’s a long walk back from the Bay mind you! Broken Beach, Light House @ Moloko Breakbeat and Deep House.

Thursdays Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. Be sure to come dressed smartly though. Hard House @ The End... DJ Jomec does the honours. From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance. Enthusiasm @ Moloko Hip-Hop, Breaks and Drum’n’Bass. The best Moloko night? You decide. Is it for Real? @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Like everyone else Bar Is It offers a night of R’n’B. Only this time you get the company of DJ Tony-C. Brit-Pop Revival Night @ Barfly 10.30pm, free NUS. As if Brit-Pop needed reviving with Space on the prowl. Homegrown @ Toucan 8pm-2am, £3. Beats of a hiphopping and funky nature. Excellent night. Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray! Dance Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am, £1 entry. Dance music.

Soul Power @ Liquid 9.30pm - 2am, £4. R’n’B and soul served up in Liquid’s pale surroundings. One Mission DJs @ Royworld The new place on City Road that everyone’s talking about. Tonight the One Mission crew offer Breaks and Drum’n’Bass. It’s all free too. You can even go ten pin bowling as well.

Fridays Silent Running/Hustler Showcase @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top two floors) 9pm, £7. The best in drum’n’bass and hiphop. Robots Eat My Face @ Oz Bar Live Bands and Rock, Alternative Djs. Cadence @ Bar Essential Free Entry. Deep House, Afro Latin and Nu Jazz. Sounds awesome, support it. One Mission DJs @ Royworld Like Thursday but on Friday. Heaven @ Evolution Commercial dance and House out on the bay. ROAR @ Vision 2K £10 NUS. Hard House night featuring regular guest DJS. Cool House @ Emporium £8. Excellent night that periodically returns to the city. Featured Radio 1’s Yousef on 8th November if that gives you any idea. The Dudes Abide @ Clwb Ifor Bach Great new night at Clwb on the ground floor. Fun and frolics with a sound track of psychedelia and garage. Funk 2 Funk @ Oz Bar Breaking away from its roots in Stoner metal, Oz Bar launches a night of funked up tunes courtesy of the people at Plastic Raygun records, Cardiff’s biggest and best dance label. Forward Motion @ Moloko Drinks promotions all night in the company of Upbeat funk and party breaks.

Saturdays TimeFlies 9th Birthday@ Emporium, Saturday 8th Feb. 10pm- 4am, £10adv. Headline set from Judge Jules, and Medicine 8 in the Attic Room. For more information, 029 20 669901 or checkout www.timefliesuk.com. Fever @ Barfly 10.30pm-2am. Indie classics and lager. Expect a lot of contrived ‘dancing’ and that not very funny Limp Bizkit version of Faith. Not at all bad, though. Deep Heat @ Club X 10pm-4am. £4-£7. Gay venue. 6 rooms, 3 floor balcony, games room & garden terrace. Well worth a look! Funked Out @ Royworld If you don’t have a name for your night, I’ll invent one for you free of charge. So, there you have it funky breaks and hip-hop courtesy of Jimmy Love from Clwb. Free. Do I sound poor to anyone? The Betty Ford Guest List @ Metros 9pm-3am, £3 b4 10.30pm. Top alternative night, with tunes courtesy of the great and the good of Cardiff’s indie scene. More leftfield than other Metros nights, the crowd and the music are slightly older and slightly cooler. Play @ Moloko Happy party music! Emerge @ Clwb Ifor Bach 11pm, £3 NUS Indie-electro crossover affair involving the collision of sound and genre alike. Moving away slightly from its electroclash routes, and have added more indie and more hip-hop; seasoned as required. L’America @ Emporium Fortnightly US Garage featuring guest DJs Twin Scene @ Reds

Same as Friday, only more expensive! Hooray! Sweet’n’Spicy @ Bar Ice 9pm-3am, £3 Worldwide Special @ Liquid £6, Over 21s only, Smart dress If the price, the dress-code or the age restrictions don’t count you out, I’m sure you’ll have a grand evening in the company of club classics and funky house Cadence @ Bar Essential Free, see Friday. Say ‘cadence’ enough times and it sounds like ‘can dance’ as their publicity people handily point out.

Sundays Rational Thinking @ The End 7pm-10.30pm The same as Mondays except with the added promise of Guest DJs. Chilled American House @ Royworld Chris Evans leads the proceedings. Free, as usual Taxi @ Moloko The night that’s set to revitalise Moloko’s fortune with resident DJs from Higher Learning and Carnival to offer music from around the world

Attention! If any of you know of any clubs that deserve students’ time, money and effort do let us know. Perhaps you’re a DJ spinning the decks or maybe you just take money on the door. We’d genuinely love to hear from you. Similarly if there’s event listed here that no longer takes place, please let us know.

Sport Cardiff City Football Club (www.cardiffcityfc.co.uk) vs Barnsley Friday 31st January Cardiff continue their push for promotion against these Division 2 strugglers. Anyone else disappointed to see them crash out of the cup?

Cardiff Rugby (www.cardiffrfc.com) No Fixtures

Societies Special Events Alt&Shift (Students for global justice) Have a film screening of “The Hidden Wars of Desert-Storm” on Wed, 5th Feb in lecture theatre 2.01 in Humanities. It is an awardwinning documentary about the background to the Gulf War, and explores some controversial questions surrounding it. It is being shown as part of the ongoing campaign opposing any military action against Iraq. Free to attend, and all students welcome. Christian Union Are holding a week of events and debates, running from 3rd Feb to 7th Feb. Lunchtime debates, every weekday, to include a short talk, open discussion and food. Held, from 1-2pm in Humanities, (look out for posters confirming rooms during the week). Evening debates on Monday and Friday start at 7.30pm and are held in Law 0.21. On Wednesday, the 7.30pm meet is in the Great Hall, and Thursday it is at 9pm and in Seren Las, This evening includes music and speakers. All are welcome. Nightline Training and introductory sessions: Thurs, February 13th 8-10pm. At

Shandon Lecture Theatre. Sat, 15th, 10-5pm. Sun 16th, 2-7pm. Tues 18th 8-10pm.

Regular Meetings Christian Union Meet every Friday at 7pm in Maths Building EO.15. Debating Society Meet every Thursday in one of the Union Rooms. Film Society Meets every Tuesday evening at 7.30 pm either in the Societies Lounge or in one of the fourth floor conference rooms. Weekly screening held at UGC, showing a selection of alternative, cult and classic films. Screenings are at 9.30pm. £2 admission for members, £3 for NUS. Funky Arse Disco Dancing Classes held every Wednesday in New Liberal Social Club on City Road, near Roath Park. Beginners’ class is 2-3pm, Intermediates 3-4pm and Advanced 4-5pm. Classes cost £1 each and membership is £5. German Society Meets every Wednesday at 8pm in the Crwys Pub. Free membership, open to all. Hindu Society Fortnightly Screenings of Bollywood Films at Birt Acres Theatre in Bute Building on Wednesdays at 6pm. People and Planet Weekly meetings on Tuesdays at 8pm in the Union, either in the TV lounge or in one of the meeting rooms on the fourth floor. Pagan Society Weekly meetings at Macky Pub at 8pm RAG Meet every Monday, 8pm in Buffers in Solus. Contact RAG@cf.ac.uk Sci FI Society Meet every Tuesday in the Pen and Wig at 7.30pm Yoga Society: Membership just £10 a year. Simply come along to classes on tuesdays, 12-1pm, 1-2pm in the Council Rooms, 4th floor of the Student Union.

Calling all societies! Want your event listed in these hallowed pages? Email us at gairrhyddlistings@hotmail.com

with details of your event and we’ll put you in touch with the student masses. Don’t hang around before letting us know either. Often you’ll need to give us about two weeks notice to ensure that you feature in the paper, so get moving. Alternatively, for information about a society or event, then please contact Laura Welsh, Societies and Union Secretary, on WelshL2@cf.ac.uk.

Monday 17th Feb Refreshers Fayre in Great Hall This should technically be in next issue, but this should give you some warning! Did you miss Freshers Fayre in September, but still want to join a society? Then go to the Refreshers Fayre. As well as the societies all gagging to sign you up, there will be some companies there, ready to bribe you with the offer of glittering freebies!

General Saturday 15th Feb Stop The War demonstration in London. The Students’ Union is organising transport to London. If you are interested then contact Ellie King on KingE4@cf.ac.uk. Help stop Tony and George’s oilthirsty stomp towards the Middle East. This is a chance to let your voice be heard!

? O H W E DAV D

Have a shave, Gorman

ritish when the B ot to fame on sh s an rie m se or ave G six part treated to a ave D e e er h w T ic d bl lle pu pril 2001 ca r arch and A find anothe BBC2 in M hallenged to C . n , io ck ct olle rd in a pa Gorman C for every ca ne he (o as s s an orm his step 54 Dave G e followed e jokers) w members of nt ce no in including th ed ss ra ha and e his name. harangued ough to shar en d the ge ile the end of society priv ing that by ge their lis an ea R ch t: to h g Highlig were willin le op dear. h pe O al deed poll. project actu by an m or G ave the airing of names to D n 2002 saw m tu au , ly Astrology Most recent Important ’s an ing his rm o Dave G ishly follow Would slav t. s for our en es im in er pp Exp greater ha re su en ridiculous e ss horoscop r? Countle rio ar ace w y ed m sured his pl hapless co Dave had en d an ed su antics en comedy. cumentary as king of do all LaDonna H

GORMAN BENNET! DAVE GORMAN’S BETTER WORLD Sherman Theatre

ave’s imagination is in a constant war with his sense of reason. As we’re used to seeing, Dave’s reason never has much of a chance of winning. So one afternoon Dave Gorman woke up in his front garden, soaked down to his bones, pierced in secret places and with the kind of a hangover you can only get from expensive tequila. Only one thing that made sense that afternoon.

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In his pocket was a torn-up happy “hello” to people. Dave beer mat bearing the being Dave, he decided to commandment “Do a show combine the two. Yes, we’ve that will make the world a established that the British are better place”. cynical, but most people in After six months of any country don’t want to be questing, the newly-bearded accosted by a well wisher in a Dave found no answer to the tank top and drainpipe skyblue world’s problems, but his slacks from Help the Aged. journey provided a hell of a As on the TV shows, show. everything’s backed up with Step one of his plan was to slide projections of letters and write anonymous letters to all photos, reminding you that of Britain’s newspapers asking Dave really did everything he’s the public for suggestions to telling you about. That’s what make the world a better place. makes his shows so gutHe promised to follow up their crunchingly funny. It’s all real. ideas. Now, we all know what And for every dumbass idea the British are like. Cynical that comes out of Dave’s fuckers, every last one. So no head, there are a hundred surprise that the first more stoopid ones coming suggestions came from white from the public he comes into supremacists, dubious mailcontact with. We’re paying order religions and a postboxgood money to laugh at obsessed 14-year-old. The ourselves, and it’s damn strangest response was a funny. Mat Croft poison pen letter: “I WILL FUCKING The strangest KILL YOU. I HAVE KIDS” - not the sort response was a poison of motive that would pen letter: “I WILL stand up in court. A couple of nice FUCKING KILL YOU. I suggestions did come in, though. HAVE KIDS” - not the The way to make a sort of motive that better world, one person claimed, is to would stand up in give money to court. charity and say a

IT’S MILLER TIME DEATH OF A SALESMAN Sherman Theatre Act 1

this. Although at times the New York accents went slightly awry, the overall performance is a very effective and moving depiction of Miller’s fantastic and complex work, superbly highlighting the important issues of the play. It features many impressive deliverances, notably Willy and Biff, and the end result is a polished production that is directed with confidence and is definitely worth a look. Steph Fuller

Arthur Miller: The Playwright Stuff

Arts

“The audience are caught in a confusion of voices from past and present”

reviews

eath Of A Salesman is generally regarded as Arthur Miller’s finest work. It is set in New York, and the action is crammed into just twenty-four hours in the life of Willy Loman, an aging salesman. Willy (Paul Goodridge) returns home from work, exhausted, to his wife Linda (Vikki Chandler) and sons, Biff (Gwilym Lee) and Happy (Thomas Hockey), who are home for the first time in years. Biff and Happy play very convincingly against each other here and soon reveal concerns about Willy’s state of mind. Willy experiences illusions from his past; of the boys when they were younger, and his dead brother, Ben (Ben Gilbert). At the start of the play, Willy discerns these hallucinations from reality, but

as time moves on and events conspire against him, Willy and the audience are caught in a confusion of voices from past and present. Goodridge offers an unreserved performance, perfectly shaping the audience’s attitude towards Willy, creating a character who you want to hate, but can’t help but pity. Because the action is set in both Willy’s present and his hallucinations of the past, the atmosphere is often confused and quite delirious, which the use of different lighting effects and music marks out effectively. This is a play dealing with the idea of the American dream and the fact that despite its falsity, people still cling to it. Willy and his dysfunctional family are all tragic characters in different ways, and when it is needed, the direction of the play is sensitive enough to show

06 LEGENDARY

"If They Move...Kill ‘em"

T DIRECTORS

Sam Peckinpah

ilm directors page

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By Neil Blain

he year was 1969 and the Western genre was experiencing a temporary resurgence. Cinemagoers, sitting down to watch The Wild Bunch, a tale of ageing cowboys, were probably expecting a sentimental story that pleasantly and quietly lamented the ways of the Old West. They couldn’t have been more wrong. After William Holden’s famous line, "If they move. . . Kill ‘em", kicked off a ten minute balletic display of absolute blood streaked carnage, the unexpecting audience realised their mistake. Many of them would have probably left the auditorium, and in the space of a few weeks a director became infamous. It would surprise many that the man who would come to be known as ‘Bloody Sam’ was a quiet and gawky teenager, who at a young age was more interested in poetry than pistols. The son of a lawyer, Sam was born David Samuel Peckinpah on February 21st 1925 in Fresno, California. It was perhaps to conform to the macho expectations of his generation that he enrolled as

Pike Bishop makes his ethics clear in The Wild Bunch a Marine in 1945 and was stationed in the South Pacific but never saw action. After the war, Peckinpah was introduced to the film industry through the medium of television, rising through the ranks of stage hand, assistant to Don Siegel, writing and directing critically acclaimed TV westerns such as Gunsmoke and Broken Arrow and eventually directing his first feature, The Deadly Companions in 1961; a western that was distinctively average, mainly due to the fact that Peckinpah had no control over it’s content. From here, his output could only improve, and improve it did. The main reason so many people are put off by Sam Peckinpah’s films is because they regard them, superficially, as machoistic, nasty and brainless action movies. This could not be further from the truth. The tone of Peckinpah’s best films is most effectively appreciated when his character is studied because his experience has clearly influenced the content of his movies. Peckinpah led just as wild an existence as most of his on

who must help each other to survive the changing times and are heavy with themes of loyalty, betrayal, camaraderie and redemption. Despite the violence and immorality of Peckinpah’s characters, there is always an underlying optimism, hope, loyalty, trust, friendship and commitment to personal ethics. Peckinpah’s style has also become legendary. He has often been heralded as the father of modern action films and directors such as Scorsese, Tarantino, John Woo, Oliver Stone and Robert Rodriguez all owe him a tip of the hat. Peckinpah used fast cutting and slow motion to turn his action sequences into balletic displays of bloodletting, a technique so disappointingly imitated by John Woo, and was also the first director to introduce the realistic portrayal of the journey a bullet takes as it passes through the human body. Although Peckinpah’s films are commonly criticised for such violence, his work, as he intended, should convince any intelligent adult that a gun is the last thing they would ever want to use.

screen, gun-toting alter egos. Although he lived an extreme and unbalanced life he was a man who always valued and depended on friendship. Throughout most of his career he worked with a close knit group of writers, actors and filmmakers, all who shared in his ‘cowboy’ tastes for drink, drugs and prostitutes. On the flip side, Peckinpah had an extreme dislike for those who were uncommitted to him and those that he did not trust. His violent clashes with Hollywood producers, who had a habit of daring to cut and taint much of his greatest work, are legendary. Peckinpah’s characteristics reflect in his masterpieces. Most contain groups of men

Six of the Best

Straw Dogs (1971)

The Wild Bunch (1969) Influential, iconic, and the greatest Western, if not greatest film, ever made, The Wild Bunch uses more bullets than the entire Mexican Revolution, to put an end to a gang of ageing outlaws misadventures. Do not die until you have seen this film.

An extremely controversial double rape scene overshadows the fact that Straw Dogs is a chilling but excellent investigation of modern masculinity, the morality of self defence, and the effect of violence upon the home. Now available to buy on DVD.

Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia (1974) In this emotive study of self discovery, Warren Oates apes Peckinpah’s character as he plays Bennie, a lonely, misguided and dysfunctional mercenary

The Getaway (1972) Freshly released from jail, Doc Mcoy quickly robs a bank and sets off for Mexico with his wife. An exciting genre movie, not to be confused with the horrific Alec Baldwin remake.

Cross of Iron (1977)

Junior Bonner (1972) Steve McQueen plays Junior Bonner, a rodeo rider attempting to maintain his way of life in the face of modernisation.

End of Days

Towards the end of his career, Peckinpah’s work became more commercial as he gave in to drink and drugs, making appalling films such as Convoy and The Osterman Weekend. However, his legacy and everlasting influence lives on.

After a turbulent life Sam Peckinpah suffered a fatal heart attack in 1984 and like many of his characters he died a man out of time where the blockbuster had replaced the Western. One of America’s last cowboy anti-heroes was gone but not forgotten.

If you thought that Spielberg’s battle scenes in Saving Private Ryan were the first of its type then think again. James Coburn plays the German Sergeant Steiner, a man leading his men against the Russians on the Eastern Front, who has more to fear from the Nazi aristocracy from whom he receives his orders, in this WWII epic which Orson Welles declared to be the best war film ever made.

It’s All Golden

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A Rundown of all the Winners of Motion Pictures Awards at this years Golden Globe Awards

Best Motion Picture, Picture Drama – The Hours Best Motion Picture, Picture Comedy/Musical – Chicago Best Director – Martin Scorsese for The Gangs of New York Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Picture Drama – Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture, Picture Drama – Nicole Kidman in The Hours Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture, Comedy/Musical – Richard Gere in Chicago Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture, Picture Comedy/Musical – Renee Zellweger in Chicago Best Performance by a Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture – Chris Cooper in Adaptation Best Performance by a Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture – Meryl Streep in The Hours Best Screenplay – Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor for About Schmidt Best Original Song – U2 for ‘The Hands That Built America’ from The Gangs of New York Best Original Score – Elliot Goldenthal for Frida Best Foreign Language Film – Hable Con Ella (Spain)

to service all types of production, from low budget to blockbuster on its planned seven sound stages. Next to the studios, Dragon will build an all weather theme park which will be capable of receiving more than a million visitors a year and will hopefully be open to the public in 2006. It is estimated that the combined development will bring over one thousand jobs to South Wales.

Lord Attenborough said of the project "Our intention is to build the most modern, cost effective and welcoming studios in the world, designed by practitioners for practitioners. In Wales we have the space, the funds, but most importantly the will to create a wonderful work and leisure environment for future generations. It is a golden opportunity and one that fills me with great excitement". Neil Blain

Film

n 2004, the newly founded Dragon International Studios Limited, who’s Chairman is Lord Richard Attenborough, plans to build a £300 million development to be constructed in two phases on a 350 acre landscaped former open cast mine site a few miles outside Cardiff. The film studios alone will occupy an area of 160 acres and being bigger than Pinewood and Shepperton Studios combined, will be able

review

Enter the Dragon Studios

usicinterviews

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The Real Blazin’ Squad T

ipped as one of the hottest acts to watch in the tidal wave of post-hardcore angst that seem to be flooding the British scene at the moment. Finch are the band every man and his dog want to be, Owain Cooke went along to find out what the hype is all about...

Having spent last year touring the world in support of their debut album What it is to Burn, Californian poppunk band Finch have had a very busy year. Having spent most of the year on the road touring with so many bands, guitarist Alex Rinares says that they enjoyed their recent US tour the most “Our favourite tour has probably been the one we just finished with New Found Glory as it was just like hanging out with our friends for two months. The guys in Something Corporate and Further Seems Forever (who were also on the tour) were really fun too and every show was amazing. People have been getting into our songs more and singing along which is awesome. I think the kids here have been going crazier than they have in the United States though”. “They make the kids in the US seem docile or passive” chips in bassist Derek Doherty.

After this tour finishes, the band, completed by drummer Alex Pappas, guitarist Randy Strohmeyer and singer Nate Barcalow, are taking time out to piece together the ideas they’ve had on the road: “The songs I’ve been writing at the moment has been kind of all over the place.” says Rinares. “One song I’ve wrote is really slow and melodic and the other is a really fast and hard song. After this tour, we’ve got time off to write and relax for a bit. It’s difficult to write on the road because we can’t sit down as a band and jam and it takes the five us of us to write a song.” When asked if they would like to go back and make changes to their album, Alex and Derek chirp: “I think at this point, yeah, it’s been over a year since we recorded it and we’ve got bored of just playing the same thing. All of us try and add parts to it as we’ve become better players. I know there’s a lot of melodies and noodling that I wish I could add in. I was pretty stoked with it though as we were 18 or 19 at the time, pretty young kids. I mean it was only a year ago, but with all this touring that we’ve done

we’ve progressed a lot as a band”. Despite numerous references to Fight Club in their song titles and tshirt designs, and the fact that drummer Alex has “Project Mayhem” tattooed across his chest, the band deny any obsessions with the film. “It’s a good film, but I’d say my favourite is probably The Cable Guy”. With every rock magazine and website touting the band as the next big thing, the band have been coming under the scrutiny of major labels eager to jump on their band wagon, but Alex says they have no aspirations of moving to a bigger label: “We signed to Drive-Thru because

of the people there. There are so many good people and Richard and Stefanie (Reines, the co-owners of Drive Thru records) are just amazing. If I had to be on any label, I’d choose to be with them because they love the music. We’re not in this for the money. I mean we obviously need to survive, but our major goal is to be a part of music we love and to create music. The money aspect of it doesn’t interest us.” Morals and a fiery spirit? Finch are set to burn up 2003 a treat! What It Is To Burn is out now on Drive-Thru records.

Reasonable People

ne of Britain’s biggest new rock acts, Hundred Reasons have been winning the hearts of emokids up and down the country. Taking a break from their mammoth touring schedule, Enys Launder talks to frontman Colin Doran about life at the top... Colin greets me like a helpful and conscientious third year student; dressed in jeans and a plain hoodie, he repeatedly tucks his trademark golden locks behind his ears and sips on a cup of soup. The band’s down to earth style and honest work ethic is definitely part of the Hundred Reasons success story. The singer has little in common with the stereotypical hedonistic rock star. The idea of drugs or groupies on tour is quickly refuted. Colin is very much in love with his girlfriend, though he claims that even when he was single, he detested the idea of a girl wanting to have sex with him just because he was in the band. Colin always stays sober before a

show, preferring to work on his vocal warm ups, and limits the after show excess to a couple of beers to relax. The key for any up and coming band, the frontman states, is purely the quality of the songs and nothing more. The band are currently working on songs for their second album in a Devonshire cottage. Colin claims it’s just jamming with no recording at this

stage. Pressure to retain commercial success is undeniable. He points out that even though the band have a six album deal, everyone from the U.S Bombs to Robbie Williams have to sign to what’s known as ‘options’, which means if the next record dives, you’re dropped. Colin’s favourite show is something of a surprise choice. He loves the

Exeter Cavern for the atmosphere it creates. He recalls that in Hundred Reasons’ early touring days they sold out this sweaty little club (considerably smaller than T.J.s) and Colin talks with delight about the lack of barriers, security or fresh air. The singer’s soundtrack to their recent U.K. tour was Glassjaw’s Worship and Tribute. However, he states his favourite album of last year as Idlewild’s The Remote Part, and gives his ‘best of all time’ accolade to Faith No More’s Angel Dust, for being an album without a single weak moment. Faith No More were Colin’s biggest influence growing up, not musically, more in the charismatic way they carried themselves as a band. Hell is For Heroes, whose debut album, The Neon Handshake is released this week, are long time friends of Colin and look set to follow Hundred Reasons into mainstream success. Colin remembers seeing an unsigned ‘Heroes play their first London headline show at the Monarch, and now firmly believes they can step up and join Muse and his own band at the forefront of British alternative rock. Colin Doran is a every bit the gentleman and a true rock star. Ideas Above Our Station is out now on Columbia Records.

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Single of the Fortnight

WORST OF THE REST

ED HARCOURT All Of Your Days Will Be Blessed Heavenly The second single from Ed Harcourt’s recent album Here Be Monsters, reflects perfectly his unique song-writing style, as exhibited on the acclaimed debut. Sounding slightly despondent at the start, Harcourt’s emphatic yet gentle voice leads the song away from the accordion introduction to a much more optimistic chorus where it appears he has invested in an effects pedal for his guitar - making it a typically pleasant and mellow song from the former chef. If this single is anything to go by, then the new album should be excellent. It is accompanied by a tour, which includes a date at Clwb this month which should not be missed. Jeremy Townsend

★★★★

Perhaps highlighting the dire state of post-Xmas singles here are the worst of a generally bad bunch... SARAH CONNOR He’s Unbelievable Sony Ed Harcourt: Counting his blessings

Blessed Are The Bleak REUBEN Let’s Stop Hanging Out Bad From the same undefinable phenomena also seeing ragged chancers like ThisGirl and Hell Is For Heroes deservedly seeing merciless adoration from small-town skater kids, Reuben somewhat ruin this comforting and tidy sweeping of the nation by releasing a single sounding dangerously like One By One by Dave Grohl’s MOR big shots Foo Fighters. Way to overshoot the mark, guys. Thankfully, normal service is resumed with B-side Alpha Signal Five which we’re informed is “number fucking five” and is brilliant. John Widdop

★★★

APPLIANCE Go Native EP Mute

HELL IS FOR HEROES You Drove Me To It Chrysalis Emocore outfit Hell Is For Heroes seem to have come up trumps again with this little gem of a song. Taken from their forthcoming album The Neon Handshake, this song sees the band improving both musically and lyrically from last year’s single I Can Climb

FC KAHUNA Hayling Skint Think laid-back chill-out. Mix the gentle pitter-patter of Air with the style and panache of the Chemical Brothers. Add some tranquillity from Zero 7 and voilà, hey presto, abracadabra, you have Hayling. This is futuristic sounding background music; experimental if a little samey but the single includes some decent mixes, one of which is called SFA Dunk! Dunk! Dunk! Hoorah! Katie Brunt

★★★

LEMONJELLY Nice Weather For Ducks XL Records / Impotent Fury Superb second single from their Lost Horizons album, Nice Weather For Ducks is a joyful celebration of the British weather. Annoying though the vocals can be, the rest of the track is so perfectly happy that you can’t help but be buoyed up on a big wave of optimism. Never mind impending war, corporate corruption and terrorist attacks; Lemon Jelly are here to show us that the world can still be a happy place. Andy Parsons

★★★★ GOOD CHARLOTTE Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous Epic/Daylight Since taking part in the Warped Tour over in the States, these guys have started to amass a rather large following - and it ain’t because of their looks. Lifestyles... is one of those bouncy, verging on slightly annoying, songs that you can’t get out of your head. Catchy lyrics, a foot stomping drum beat and the biggest relief of all: no guitar solo, which most songs this

★★★★

DJ RAPID N’ OZZIE GEE Smoke That Bud Map Music Patronising, deliberately “controversial” and painfully repetitive. Yet more disturbing evidence that Ali G’s mocking of urban-culture imitators has actually made the opposite impact than hoped. Lyrically, the idea is that if we all smoke bud, all races and nations will come together. In reality, if we all smoked bud, politically-illiberal nations would become immensely rich and that beautiful cone you rolled will never come back to you for a second smoke. Meantime, leave politics to the politicians and urban music to the urbandwellers. Cocks. Dave Gibson zero stars

DARIO G Heaven Is Closer (Feels Like Heaven) Serious “It’s a dirty song but someone’s got to review it”, they said. Despite my protests, I find myself pleasantly surprised. Irresistibly simple, though too unchallenging to be anything other than pure pop, it provides a necessary service. If it stops the kids listening to Avril Lavigne, it can’t be bad. Dave Gibson

consummated its love (in some sort of metaphorical theme music orgy) with Randall And Hopkirk (Deceased), this would be would be the lovechild. Haunting but upbeat. Tristan Thomas

★★★★

THE BANDITS Once Upon A Time/ On My Way Unique Nautical themes! La’s vocals and a crackpot rendition of scouse musical history! Did The Bandits enter the studio with the specific intention of recording Coral songs? Did James Skelly give his ‘Pool pals a bag of surplus-torequirements tunes as a late Crimbo present? Did they buy a… You get the picture. Jamie Fullerton

★★★

OAKENFOLD The Harder They Come Perfecto Records Surprisingly, given the success of his most recent single, Paul Oakenfold has abandoned the simplistic feel of Starry Eyed Surprise in favour of a song worthy of Bond theme status for its heavy production and gaudy orchestration. Featuring the vocals of Keisha White (with sporadic interspersions of whispering from Tricky). Jeremy Townsend

★

★★★

MASSIVE ATTACK FEAT. SINÉAD O’CONNOR Special Cases Wild Bunch/Virgin Sinéad O’Connor brings her dulcet tones to Massive Attack’s epic quality, and the collaboration makes for a wholly unsettling single. A paranoid bassline complements edgy strings without ever feeling clumsy or over ambitious. If Twin Peaks ever

THE DATSUNS Harmonic Generator V2 I have a dirty secret I need to share: I’m a hype-aholic. But for some unconscious reason, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to care about The Datsuns. So raw, so wild, so perfectly zeitgeist yet so repetitive and derived. Maybe I’ve drowned in the blizzard of Oz? Second blast, same as the last. Dave Gibson

★★

DAVID SNEDDON Stop Living The Lie Mercury Graeme Le Saux grin-a-like Dave presumably believes that he is a ‘proper’ pop star, and not Fame Academy’s equivalent of an out-of-town cunt gatecrashing your party and fucking your girlfriend, only to be forgiven by everyone else for his ‘cheeky’ grin. B-sides on this single, David Gray could vomit for breakfast, include covers of Elton John and Wet Wet Wet. Aaaargh! John Widdop

★

RHIANNA I Love Everything About You Sony Though Sony undoubtedly classify this as R&B, expect overproduction, standard rhythm and more Blue than blues. Think Macy Gray a few albums down the line. While free downloads promise a fatal blow to Sony, potential hit-makers like Rhianna (no surname) ensure it dies the slow and cancerous death it deserves. Dave Gibson

★

DARREN HAYES Crush Columbia This is some sort of weird electro-pop single from the ex-Savage Garden frontman, and it’s dire. This single makes you wonder why the fuck he didn’t call it a day when Savage Garden split. Thankfully there’s only so many ways you can say “pile of shite” for a single, but it’s given me a migraine, so nomore. Now it burns! Burns! BURNS!!! Bwahahahahaha!! Tim Carne

★

Music

★★

★★★★

year have seemed to possess. Tim Carne

singles

Hmmm... Appliance are a wonderful live band, which given the nerdy and slightly endearing (albeit only) interesting thing about them being they build their own instruments, gives a slightly dangerous element to their set up. However, safe from the possibility that they might literally explode in your face, their plodding indie electronica somewhat grates on record and Appliance appear to have lost the ability to form a pleasant melody in the time since their stunning Manual album. Bah, you can’t seem to trust any machines these days. John Widdop

Mountains to create a much fuller sound; 2003 could be their year. Chris Martin

Vomit-inducing track nabbing the riff from 2Pac’s California Love. Dismal lyrics, too: take your pick from “you know he drives me crazy and I want to have his babies/shall I go out in my blue jeans?” to ”maybe he’s a lazy kinda lad, but don’t forget he could turn into a prince in bed”. Katie Brunt zero stars

11 THRENODY ENSEMBLE Timbre Hollow ATP recordings Pan-US duo Threnody Ensemble’s innovative blend of experimental rock and classical music exploded onto our shores last year at Camber Sands’ alternative festival All Tomorrow’s Parties where founder of the fest, Barry Hogan, approached them to license this album for the UK, and luckily for us they agreed. With no particular structure to their music, the captivating mellow sound freely engages your senses and produces a strong mentally elevating effect, especially the subdued delicacy of Somewhere near Denton and Tension as opposed to tension. For those of you put off by the words “Classical music”, don’t be, because this album with its roots in so many sub-genres is accessible to all and serves to elevate and entertain rather than bore. Gemma Jones

★★★★

JEFF KLEIN Everybody Loves a Winner One little indian Relatively unknown in Britain, Texasbased Jeff is billed as one of the USA’s top unsigned artists, and this, his third solo album proves him worthy of the acclaim. Although initially sounding like a cover of a bad eels song, the rest of the album is a successful fusion of indie, punk and folk. Highlights include the heartbreaking Goodbye, where Klein’s raspy vocals lull listeners almost into hypnosis before a highly charged rockguitar solo. The result is a collection of fiercely emotional, tear-jerking songs powered by Jeff’s gritty growl. This is perfect rainy Sunday afternoon listening, but don’t buy if you’ve recently suffered any major emotional trauma as its not exactly uplifting stuff. Steph Fuller

★★★

RICHARD HAWLEY Lowedges Setanta

conversation mid-album about Tiger Woods which is mildly entertaining perhaps a way of summarising the previous tracks and commenting on the direction of those which remain. Even current single React sounds stifled here. Richard Samuels

★★

808 STATE Outpost Transmission Circus At a time when electronica has become driving-music for over-28s, 808 State’s choice of collaborations are perhaps too safe. 606 reminisces Ghost Town with intense, mystical synth-melodies yet is ultimately betrayed by Simian’s tuneless whine while Alabama 3’s Crossword is a disappointing and thankfully brief take on techno which lacks both the momentum and the primal desire of say Aisha-era DIV. Boogieman and Roundbum Mary sound low-grade Prodigy, but both contain a minimalist, eerie darkness rattling and hissing, like a cobra being taunted with a stick, to a macabre growl. Outpost Transmission’s finest moment comes with the beautiful dream-work of Lemonsoul. With Elbow’s Guy Garvey bringing a humanistic element to its lullaby-onacid experimentalism, similar to that found on SFA’s Out Spaced. Not great but takes the edge off driving to Waitrose. Dave Gibson

★★★

CALEXICO Feast Of Wire City Slang Everyone’s favourite alt.country/mariachi band return with another album of widescreen Americana and cactus spiked rock songs. Even more accomplished and diverse than its excellent predecessor, Hot Rail , Feast Of Wire is a 16 track love song to central America. Quattro and the Portishead-esque Black Heart set the scene early and the Latin flavoured instrumentals give the record some real spice. Recent remixing duties are remembered in the bleeps of Attack El Robot! Attack! but the record’s finest moment is in Across The Wire which

ADF: Barmy vicar collaborator not pictured...

tells the story of a pair of brothers on the run from the Border Police. With diverse tastes, but excellent overall quality Feast of Wire is a musical banquet suitable for everyone. A warm breeze from the wild west, which should bring some sunshine to anyone who hears it. Andy Parsons

★★★★

VIVIAN GREEN A Love Story Sony It would seem that soul is the new black, if you understand me. Alongside the beautiful Beverley Knight and the awesome Alicia Keys, Ms Green has put together her own assortment of Motown influenced ballads. She sings just like Alicia, but without the conviction. Her lyrics resemble those of Beverley, only without the passion. Although entertaining, this is to the music industry what leatherette is to the upholstery industry. Andrew Davidson

★★★

PRAM Dark Island Domino

★★★★

ERICK SERMON React J Records Sharing its title with its lead single it doesn’t take an IQ above that of a glass of water (estimated to be about 6) to work out what this album is based on. We Don’t Care, To Tha Girlz and Love Iz along with the others all sound like lazy Jay-Z covers. That’s not to say it’s Calexico: Coming soon, their version of Up On The Roof... without its merits there’s a bizarre

★★★

NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS Nocturama Mute The history of great men is punctuated with cases of those who, shorn of their mullets, are bereft of their powers: Samson, Pat Sharp and, er, Nick Cave? Aware of his position as a professional Count Duckula lookalike and with kitten mortality rates

★★★

ASIAN DUB FOUNDATION Enemy Of The Enemy Virgin “Should politics be kept out of music?” It’s a question asked a depressing number of times, and what those who ask it fail to realise is, that politics is no mere esoteric minority interest: it’s fundamentally how we, and they, live. Asian Dub Foundation realise this, and their fourth album finds them as ragingly relevant as ever. It begins with a searing manifesto for change keep banging on the walls of Fortress Europe, they demand, and there’s an unshakeable belief that their aims will come about: ADF’s copies of No Logo aren’t just for show. Sinéad O’Connor’s guest vocal on 1000 Mirrors, a chilling exploration of domestic violence, cuts to the bone- at no point do ADF let up on their mission. Alex Macpherson ★★★★

PLUMP DJ’S Fabric Live 08 Fabric Premier exponents of high quality beats and breaks, London duo Plump DJ’s seem to have a penchant for mix albums, this being their third in as many years. Intertwining many of their own new tracks with big tunes from Lee Coombes and Mr Velcro Fastner the album is a usual blend of fluid basslines, big breakbeats and the occasional burst of acid madness. However compared to some of their previous efforts this album does seem to lack a bit of the spark that built their reputation. Even an excellent reworked version of Donna Summer’s I Feel Love which climactically ends the disc doesn’t quite have the same thrill that their Urban Underground displayed in so many places. A good album, but eclipsed by their previous efforts. Andy Parsons

★★★

Music

Some would insisit a 10th worryinglyidentical menagerie of bleak dubbed up post-rock jazz from eccentric Birmingham collective Pram a little overstaying their welcome. You could also argue the case a band who don’t think twice about dressing up as owls, and primarily sounding like Air and Broadcast riding a ghost train is also unnecessarily excessive. But over the course of the somewhat inconsistent ten funeral-paced pieces, at times Dark Island is stunning particularly on delicate glitches Penny Arcade and Goodbye where Liz Fraser-esque singer, Rosie Cuckston shines. The results are positively haunting, and worthy of the equally haunting titles bestowed upon them. John Widdop

significantly reduced, this is a move away from Cave’s recent studied introversion. Indeed, it’s more a Bad Seeds experience than a Nick Cave work; the like of which hasn’t been heard in over 10 years, and emphasised by the blokeish humour of 15 min barnstorming closer, Babe, I’m On Fire. It’s a mixed bag of such studio japes and the lover’s garden fixated ballads, removed from their finely honed contexts of recent albums. Forthcoming single, Bring It On descends into a beery U2 epic, whilst the simplistic rhyming couplets of Rock of Gibraltar are irresistible. Short on top and long at the back, Nocturama may grow around your ears, bit by bit, until suddenly, it reveals itself in all its shameful glory. Rather like a mullet perhaps. Nick Mcdonald

albums

The wavey guitar ‘waagh’ present in the background of most compositions here suggests that Hawlyey has put to good use an extended listening of modern alt-country, but what really raises the bar on his second album is his divine voice. In itself it’s an advert for chainsmoking, the dullened and throatily melodic tone conjures up an image of Lou Reed tonguing Kurt Wagner and is a constant delight. Combined with awe-worthy numbers like The Only Road, a song essentially dark by nature, sullen bass lurking perked up by cherubic guitar picking and we’re as close to cloud-sailing perfection as we’re gonna get. Jamie Fullerton

GRiP

Musiclive

GRiP Photo:Rob Jackson

DOVES The Great Hall Being in a band is great. That is if you believe the conviction with which Doves play live tonight. Despite more than a year of near continuous globe-trotting touring, they maintain an astounding level of euphoric energy across the just short of two hour slot. Shrugging off the lazy journo ‘miserabilist’ musical tagging, the set is enigmatic; revelling in the Northern Soul influenced pop splendour that has, in latest album The Last Broadcast, bought them so much, justly deserved, acclaim. N.Y, and opener Pounding, flourish stormingly as their pop nuances fully allows, and reflects their immediacy, as well as the fine vocal finish of frontman Goodwin. Rather more unusual set inclusions such as the simpler, stripped down Last Broadcast, provides a subtle dynamic, a moment of intimacy, which makes it, and the tanked up renditions of Lost Souls’ hardcore epics Sea Song and the emotive overdrive of The Cedar Room even more complimentary. An obvious choice, the uncomplicated Catch The Sun pleases the undemanding, whereas the danceable groove and cheeky riffs of enthralling There Goes The Fear allures everyone. Though technical hitches harbour the usual brilliance of Here It Comes, it maintains its charming, off-kilter grainy shuffle, with quiet distinction. Ending with Sub Sub track Spaceface, they give a nod to their past. Though really it seems they should be looking to the future; as Doves continue onwards and upwards. Gemma Curtis

The Doves: See you Jimi

A/GOLDFINGER/VOODOO GLOW SKULLS Bristol Academy The night got off to a high paced start when Southern California’s Voodoo Glow Skulls stormed onto the stage. Their patented blend of Hispanic skacore did the job of injecting some energy into the evening, however sometimes the melodies and lyrics of the songs were buried under several layers of distortion. The use of such stage props as a wrestling mask and a skull wand gave a slight camp/spinal tap feeling to their set. Goldfinger did a good job of maintaining the energy levels and were definitely the highlight of the evening. Neglecting to play much of their earlier ska-tinged material the band seemed to content to stick to their more recent punky sounding songs off their latest two albums Stomping Ground and Open Your Eyes. They played these very well indeed managing to sound both upbeat and tight at the same time something very few bands seem to be able to pull off these days. Unfortunately it all went downhill from here. As A came on stage looking like a walking GAP advert you could just sense something wasn’t right. A were truly sloppy tonight, they seemed to lack the buzz that the previous bands had. Playing songs mostly off Hi-fi Serious it took a mere 5 songs until their set became so tedious I even found watching the pretty lights on the mixing desk more entertaining and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the audience who shelled out an astounding £13 to get what amounts to musical diarrhoea flung in their faces. Chris Martin

Live Broadcast majesty. “Sorry we were a bit ropy” guitarist Paul Parker apologises after a dodgy rendition of new single So Good. One wonders if he realises what a crying shame it really was. Jamie Fullerton

THE GREAT LAKES / THE LOVES / FILLMORE The Toucan Club Fillmore are ironically everywhere but going nowhere. How a weak Ben Folds Five with organs manages to feature on so many line-ups is anyone’s guess. Turn away now; they don’t deserve the attention. In contrast The Loves are not featured anywhere near enough. They have found their groove somewhere between tomorrow and 1967. Theirs is the sound of the sixties you won’t find on any shit compilation album. Armed with sugared tunes such as ‘boom-abang-bang-bang’, they are as much at home in the village shop between the chuckles bars and the jujubes, as they are on stage. The Great Lakes held up tonight’s proceedings by nearly two hours. They were worth the wait. Their songs explore a playful ideology of the world around us mixing them with a tantalisingly retro driven pop. They covered the Beatles – usually a case for a crucifixion and ritual burning – with all the skill and playfulness of the original, they swapped instruments more readily than The Cooper Temple Clause and they moved their drums to the front of the stage just so they could go a bit nuts. Excellent stuff; I only hope they made it to Manchester, last thing I saw them broken down in Grangetown. Richard Samuels

MELYS Clwb Ifor Bach

KING PRAWN/SONIC BOOM SIX Barfly

It’s been said before, and it’ll be said many times again; Melys are a band to be truly proud of, a shining beacon of sophisticated yet always exhilarating pop, diamonds in the rough sandpit of garage rockers and hairy guitarsmashers. And tonight they disappoint immensely. Put it down to the fact that the crowd is positively threadbare compared to the band’s previous Clwb Ifor Bach outing last February (packed to the rafters with adoring followers and famous faces alike) if you like, but it remains unbelievable that Melys fail to get caught up in the excitement that their urgently sweet licks of sex-pop like I Don’t Believe In You and the skyscraping Chinese Whispers and play with a lack of vigour that is light years away from doing justice to their

Mancunian ska outfit Sonic Boom Six attempted to warm up the crowd on this cold December afternoon at the Barfly with some success. Although they played well and seem to please the predominantly early to mid teen crowd (this was an all ages show) they seemed to stick too rigidly to the tried and tested ska formula of bouncy bass lines and choppy guitar which after a while got a bit tiresome. This wasn’t helped my their lead singer, who was trying her best to be Gwen Stefani, shouting “C’mon Cardiff!” in between each verse. This was King Prawn’s second visit to Cardiff this year and those who caught them at Clwb last time knew what a treat they were in for. KP’s unique and brilliant blend of ska, dub, hip hop,

punk and rock blasted through the Barfly and seemed to get everyone jigging about as frontman Al Rumjen paraded around the stage like a rabid dog singing/rapping/screaming through two different microphones, one in each hand. This was complemented by the superb dub style bass lines provided by Barbar Luck (a man who could quite possibly be clinically insane) and eerie trumpeting provided by Dr Nelly (aka The Doctor). The band played a mixture of their classic songs like Survive and Day In Day Out and previewed many new tracks which will feature on their forthcoming album Got The Thirst, all of which sounded very promising. KP truly are one of the British music scene’s best-kept secrets; a very talented and under-appreciated band. Chris Martin

ADEQUATE 7 Barfly Pete’s Sake are possibly the worst band I have ever seen in my life. These boys have listened to far too much punk music and they really should try and find some originality to their music rather than ripping off every US pop-punk band. However, once Otherwise take to the stage, my anger begins to disappear for they are worth talking about. Although they can be deemed a classic emo band they are different in many ways. The singer, Chris Coleman has a strange allure to his voice, strained but melodic and lilting. The guitars chime in strange and beautiful harmony yet they grind with diminished heavy rock beauty. If you like emo, you will like this band. Having left this fair university at the end of last year, Adequate 7 are now well on their way to becoming one of Britain’s best new bands. Combining too many influences to list here, they produce hardcore with bright brass and funky bass. On stage they give it their all, even though their keyboard fails to work and the crowd may as well have been made of stone (stone probably would have given more of a reaction). Despite this, every song still has the potential to be a classic. Ska brass, funk bass, heavy guitars and screaming vocals: surely this is the perfect mix? Anthony Lloyd

THE BENCH/TEFLON MONKEY/THE KEYS Clwb Ifor Bach Oi! You came to watch the music so don’t talk over the top of it. You could at least fain interest or piss off downstairs. Either way shut the fuck

up, all of you. The Keys are very Welsh, very acoustic and really rather good. Their country tinged subtle strums compliment the thoughtful vocals well and they do indeed “put words to a good tune”. Although not exactly mainstream, they deserve to get a lot bigger than their last band Murry the Hump. Teflon Monkey is for tonight a rather strange set up. Rhodri Viney is joined by a Dennis Pennis look a like with an electric guitar. For most of the performance the umm “monkey” gets in the way and spoils an otherwise relaxed set. Rhodri Viney’s songs are thought provoking, unpretentious and beautifully penned. His guitar picking is just as awesome. I Saw Jesus Die is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, sounding far too accomplished for such a young wordsmith. Coming from a completely different genre it’s hard to tell why Bench were supported by two acoustic bands. Theirs is a mix of nu-funk and jazz with hints towards dub in places and they bring it all together with a wonderful sense of lounge. They are very impressive, with the singer reaching the high notes perfectly and are perhaps the first band I have ever seen that use kazoos. When they leave, the overwhelming sense of desire I had to shop at Habitat and to find out who Ross Menuez is leaves with them. Richard Samuels

ADAM SNYDER Barfly “It’s family hour in Cardiff tonight” Announces Adam as he takes the stage which is appropriate not just because several of the singers extended family are present, but the atmosphere is less of a professional performance, but more of a gentle recital in front of close friends. Adam’s brand of countrified acoustics may not be to everybody’s taste, but there’s more than enough skill and ability on show tonight to allow him to trade under his own name, rather than having to rely on the tag of “ex-Mercury Rev member”. Unfortunately the stimga of having played on Deserter’s Songs and the automatic comparisons does dwell in the back of the mind. Adam’s solo work is good, but nowhere up with songs like Goddess On A Highway or Holes and therefore, what should have been an enjoyable evening of mellow tracks with the family, is a nagging reminder that solo projects are often fractions of an excellent whole. Andy Parsons

13 THE VEILS/THE DELAYS/TOURNIQUET Barfly Ever heard of Godboy? Neither had anyone else, so they changed their name to The Veils (in order not to be confused with all of the other new bands around at the moment I presume) and went on tour. The first band of the night, in the space normally reserved for local no-hopers is Tourniquet, who are definitely local judging by the number of friends milling around, but I would hesitate to dismiss them as no hopers. With a noise disproportional to their modest stage presence they rock in a manner reminiscent of early Ash. After convincing myself their first song is in fact an original work and not just a rockier cover of Pure Morning by Placebo I give myself up to an enjoyable set, the remainder of which is far better then a band third on the bill at the Cardiff Barfly deserve to be. (They still don’t look like rock stars though). The Delays look more like it, with their scruffy haircuts and clothes- the bassist could well be the head of the Cardiff indie society. My first impression of them is Puressence without the arrogance, but I soon discover that unlike Puressence they are in possession of a couple of songs of pure pop genius, such as Secret Hideaway and the Beach Boyesque Hey Girl. After a couple of performances like this it is with disappointment that tonight’s headliners take to the stage. The Veils are incredibly competent, but can only be described as dreary. Hope is briefly presented to me in the form of Dominos, an enjoyable song with the bouncy feel of No-one Knows by Queens of the Stone Age, but this hope is quickly extinguished as they immediately go back to their whining. An unfortunate end to a treat of an evening. No wonder you hadn’t heard of Godboy. Anette Curtin

THEMSELVES/ALIAS Clwb Ifor Bach Although it seems that British hip-hop is undergoing something of a renaissance at the moment, it can be quite easy to see why American hip hop dominates the market. Even when the hip hop seems to be a far removed from the mainstream as it is tonight with the uber-alternative Anticon records showcasing their two best talents tonight. Alias is great, but by this I don’t just mean that his tracks are good and his rhymes ultra-tight. He dominates the stage, an imposing figure in black, poised like a fighter - staring down the opposition. You can’t help but be

GRiP transfixed as he suddenly breaks into an ultrafast freestyle about the collapse of the corporate system as the beats and samples cascade around you. Alias’ music is extremely claustrophobic and paranoid, but at the same time forces you to feel and interact with the myriad references he throws at you. He pulls no punches and leaves us winded - but gasping for more. Which, Themselves deliver with aplomb. Almost as close as you can get to a hip hop supergroup the Themselves trio of Jel, Dax and Dose One are both a fascinating and formidable act to watch. Dressed in graffitied suits and brandishing cue cards for the audience they lead us down the dark paths of their latest opus The No Music. With their layered electonics, samples and Jel’s amazing live MPC beats they’re far more Kid A than NWA, but still retain a remarkable line in catchy melodies and vocals, courtesy of Adam “Dose One” Drucker. He retains his unique stream of consciousness vocal style and enigmatic stage presence from his solo and cLOUDDEAD projects, but as Themselves seems to have transformed himself into the grand ring master of a psychedelic hip hop circus. Ending with the mindblowing funk of Dark Sky Demo, Themselves and labels like Anticon certainly prove that there’s life still left in hip hop yet - even with Nelly, P Diddy and Corporate America trying to bleed it dry. Andy Parsons

turn saw some frantic dancing from the crowd. If anyone wanted proof that the hardcore scene is still alive and kicking, tonight proved it without a doubt. Owain Cooke

XCANAANX/FROM THIS MOMENT ON Merthyr RM’s

BLUE AND SUPPORT CIA

Of all the places I would choose to go on a Saturday night, Merthyr Tydfil must rank among the lowest along with Splott and Creation Night Club. Luckily though, I survived my journey to the gig, because the bands who made it were spectacular. From This Moment On opened the show with a powerful set which mixed elements of metalcore along with melodic hardcore. While some melodic vocals to complement singer Mevs’ screaming wouldn’t go amiss, it would be silly to look for faults in a set played with such energy and conviction. Covers of Converge’s The Saddest Day and Throwdown’s Standing Tall rounded off their impressive show. Unlike a lot of straight edge bands, xCanaanx chose not to litter their shows with rants and preaches, instead they let their music and lyrics do the talking. The band’s brutal metallic hardcore combined with the sheer energy of singer Nate inspired a near religious fervour amongst their fans which had them regularly grabbing the mic from him and shouting “the church”, which in

BLONDIE/INXS CIA It was pleasing to see such a wide variety of age groups turning up tonight to see the original new-wave queen, Debbie Harry, in action. It was difficult to understand then, why Inxs were chosen as support, in particular as their charismatic former frontman is no longer with us. Playing for over an hour and a half and driving the audience beyond the point of sheer boredom, their only salvation was the Inxs classic Need You Tonight which perked some interest. It was blatantly obvious tonight though that they were living up to their band name. A huge wave of relief was blatantly apparent admist the audience when Blondie finally appeared. Despite her years, Harry proved she can still rock it with the best of them by belting out their greatest hits which got even the most po-faced audience member singing and dancing in the aisles. Among the hits were brilliant renditions of Atomic, Heart of Glass, Call Me and The Tide is High (thankfully without an Atomic Kitten in sight). All her songs though were highlights and delivered as if it were the 1980’s all over again. Smashing stuff. Sebastian Swift

If a few thousand screaming females wasn’t enough to put someone off ever going to a concert again, then the sight of pop-tart Rosie Ribbons would definitely be the nail in the coffin. Bouncing around like a Duracell bunny on speed, whilst you have to give the girl credit for energy, some singing ability might have proved her worth better. Badly lip-syncing her way through a plethora of pointless pop ditties it was a blessed relief when her short stint was finally through. Making up for all of her predecessor’s preposterous posings, Jody Lei got the show back on the road with her sweet R’n’B vocals and playful delivery. Sounding not unlike Ashanti, Lei managed to revive the flagging crowd wonderfully. By now the crowd are in such a frenzy by the imminent arrival of Blue, the hoards of screaming females turns into a state of mass hysteria as the curtain raises for the Blue boys. Opening to a mass of fireworks on a huge buggy, the boys roll in and give the crowd the long needed pure pop injection they’ve been craving all night.

Covering tracks from their One Love album as well as their hits All Rise, One love and crowd pleaser If you come back, Blue are clearly on top form tonight. With costume changes galore to boot, they managed to surpass any cynics expectations by thoroughly entertaining the crowd, especially with their covers of Boogie Nights and Carwash fully clad in retro-wigs and 70’s gear. Any memory of earlier impiety is quickly washed away as Blue deliver a show of the highest pop class. Gemma Jones

DJ DEXTER Seren Las There are some people that think that DJing is a particularly easy way to make a living. This is partially true any old monkey can play one record after another - just look at Paul Oakenfold. However to be a true DJ in the original sense of the word, keeping the party going with brilliant tune after brilliant tune, cutting a scratching the beats together to forming one glorious whole takes something else - a talent for spotting good tunes and the ability to blend them seamlessly. DJ Dexter is one such man blessed in this way. Many DMC champions wish to show of their ability with their wrists, Dexter gets straight to the point however with a top notch cut up of Purple Haze flowing into the finest selection of pop, funk, jazz, hip hop and reggae that the union has heard for a long time. He finishes climactically with a mix of Aphex Twin’s Windowlicker and System Of A Down’s - Chop Suey. Its a riotous finish to a fantastic evening, which rates as one of the best I’ve ever had in Cardiff. Kick yourself hard if you missed it. Andy Parsons

THE JULIANA THEORY/ FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND Clwb Ifor Bach Everyone must know who Funeral for a Friend are by now. In all fairness though, FFAF are a fantastic band and their constant touring is a reflection of how hard they’re prepared to work to achieve their goals. As they tear into closing track The Art of American Football, members of the crowd hurl themselves suicidally at the stage, grabbing the microphone to scream the chorus back at the band. Yet another flawless performance from one of Wales’ best bands. There’s been a lot of hype surrounding the Juliana Theory tour and I’m sorry to say they utterly disappoint. On record they’re beautifully laid back with fantastically crunchy choruses. Live, they sound like The Datsuns. Which is another way of saying shit. Completely upstaged by the support bands. Luke Grahame

Badly Drawn Boy: definately beardy

A FISHY BUSINESS

Music

The return of the man with the hat to the union should have brought happy memories back to all those people who saw Damon’s stellar performance in Solus just a few weeks before Hour Of The Bewilderbeast became a staple fixture on the coffee tables of middle England. However things don’t always go to plan as tonights performance adequately demonstrates. It appears that our Damon isn’t in a particularly good mood. He mutters something about having had to spend the day at the hospital with their injured/sick drummer and not having had time to sound check. Cue two hours of false starts and interruptions as he lambasts the sound engineers for the sound quality. Badly Drawn Boy gigs are notoriously shambolic, often which is part of their charm - but when Damon bollocks his band for the fifth time as they try and start his best recent song You Were Right you can’t help but get annoyed, as most of the crowd do. When they do get it together, conspicuously on the earlier material, Damon’s performance is up with the best. However the general feeling is that at the end of the day “the show must go on” even it means stopping Damon from moaning and just getting down to playing the songs we paid good money to hear. We receive a halfhearted apology at the end of the gig, but he’ll have to try harder than that next time to win over an audience who deserved much better. Andy Parsons

live

BADLY DRAWN BOY The Great Hall

ookreviews s

GRiP

Would You Adam and Eve It? I

n a more reflective moment, perhaps at half three in the morning after a couple of beers, have you ever asked yourself, “Where did we come from, and how did we end up here?”. Well, many diligent archaeologists have, and by meticulously digging away they have unearthed some intriguing clues about our origins. But, in this fascinating book, Spencer Wells has done a different sort of digging - into the very genes that make up every one of us. The basic story goes

something like this: mitochondrial DNA get passed down from mother to daughter without getting involved in the messy business of sex, and so avoids fusing with the father’s DNA and confusing everybody. By tracking mutations in the mitochondrial DNA, it can be worked out whose mother was who, right back until the very first mother of them all - “Eve”. Find that hard to believe? Well, the same thing can be done on the bit that makes men men - the Y chromosome - all the way back to “Adam”! These two lovebirds apparently originated in Africa, about 50,000 years ago, and their progeny spread out in waves of migrations to cover the whole world, all in about

20,000 years. Pretty impressive right? Well, archaeologists have been telling a similar story for quite some time. But what’s really interesting about this book is that Wells threads all the archaeological facts together, backing them up with irrefutable genetic evidence, to give a step-by-step account of how our species covered the whole globe. And not just the

Fun-loving Criminals THE ATHENIAN MURDERS Jose Carlos Somoza Abacus

he combination of The Athenian Murders’ winning of the coveted 2002 CWA Macallan Gold Dagger award and its cover blurb, which winningly sets the scene for both of the inextricable plots, as well as promising gore-laden death by wolf pack, defies even the most finicky reader to return the book to the shelf without a second thought. Set in both ancient Athens and what appears to be a contemporary university, where a modern-day translator is working on a manuscript telling of events which took place in said city, both stories unfold, at first independently, until as time goes on the two become increasingly inseparable. In Athens, a young man is discovered, terribly mauled with his heart torn out, and certain discrepancies in

people, but also the spread of cultures and ideas. This is one of the few non-fiction books that I just couldn’t put down. Wells keeps up a smart pace throughout and throws in large helpings of personal anecdotes from the various countries he’s visited. And if you need some relief, there are some fantastic pictures of different tribes and races of people from around the world. There are a few occasions

In a more reflective moment, perhaps at half three in the morning after a couple of beers, have you ever asked yourself, “Where did we come from and how did we end up here?”

the manner of his death The style of writing is as lead the local stilted and riddled with ‘Decipherer of Enigmas’, ancient literary Heracles Pontor, a man conventions as one weirder than Sherlock might expect, giving it an Holmes, determined to authentic, aged feel. investigate the matter The translator’s until his over-active mind interruptions, where they has been put to rest. occur, are engaging and At the university, the amusing, although they second translator to don’t appear nearly undertake the task starts enough to ensure an to notice things within the body The Athenian of the text Murders, in promising which convince him that it holds death by wolf-pack, a coded defies even the most message. He determines to finicky reader to decipher it, and return the book to is midway through his the shelf without a translation second thought. when he discovers that the previous translator emotional response to lost his mind, and then the character. This is the his life in a manner novel’s major weakness, remarkably similar to the as the characters within manuscript’s first victim. the manuscript are As the story’s body equally one-sided, and count grows higher, the this lack of emotional translator faces threats involvement ensures that to his own life from a the novel does not really mysterious figure who catch fire until the stalks him, breaks into climax. It helps that his house and alters the Heracles, the primary manuscript before character within the abducting him and translation, is shown to holding him be just as human as hostage in an anyone else, as he is by attempt to coerce turns tricked out of his him into finishing celibate habits into the translation. sleeping with a hooker, The story fights for his life in a develops rapidly, brawl with said hooker both in the and an extremely manuscript form disloyal servant, before and outside it. being drugged and held The ancient hostage in the ancient setting does not equivalent of a sadoprove too much masochistic dungeon of of a problem for death. those unfamiliar The endings of both with it due to the stories are completely translator’s unexpected, but upon footnotes, which them occurring, the novel act as an as a whole makes a explanation for great deal more sense. the uninitiated. Jane Eyre

FILM Sean Condon Fourth Estate

ilm charts the tumultuous life of Henry Powdermaker, a young and ambitious American with a problem distinguishing films from real life. It gets off to a damn fine start. As an eight-year-old, Henry’s already dangerously entrenched in the world of movies. Yearning to grow up and become a director, he begins making short films with a camera. His head fills up with movie trivia and technical know-how. Whenever he watches movies he makes notes, which usually raise a smile, like this one on Lord of the Flies: “If I was on Lord of the Flies Island, would I be Ralph or Jack? Must be careful not to be Piggy.” But it all goes brilliantly wrong when he secretly sets up a timer-controlled camera in his parents’ bedroom. Without watching the film, he decides instead to premiere it at his parents’ dinner party. The resulting images of his father beating and raping his mother end both their party and their marriage. While Henry remains obsessed with films, he now can’t bear to watch them, so he sends the novel’s love-interest, Maddy, to watch them for him and recount the tales afterwards. When Maddy goes blind, Henry grows up, starts watching movies again, and decamps to LA to make it big. The next two thirds of the novel recount episodes of his adult life, his brief breakdown, and his continued struggle for success as a film-maker. This section of the book takes on all the hallmarks of a Douglas Coupland novel: pop culture references, openhearted conversations, the mid-20s breakdown and disillusionment with the modern age. But unlike Coupland’s Microserfs or Girlfriend in a Coma,

There are enough smartarse film references to keep even hardened movie buffs entertained

where he gets a little bogged down with unhelpful analogies about soup ingredients, but apart from that, a very interesting and enjoyable read. Charlie Jeynes

GAIR RHYDD: primate-friendly for over twenty years

OUT OF AFRICA THE JOURNEY OF MAN: A GENETIC ODYSSEY Spencer Wells Princeton University Press

Made For TV

Film never quite manages to break your heart or convince you of the warmth of humanity. Nor does it really manage to convey the struggling life of a Hollywood hopeful as funnily as Bruce Campbell’s If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor. Instead, Film fails to live up to its promising beginning, mainly because the character psychology and comic elements fall a bit flat. That said, there’s enough smart-arse film references to keep hardened movie buffs (or anyone who’s not too fussy about books) entertained for a few hours. Mat McCroft

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Come my pretties, let the ‘desk of television’ guide you through mire of dirge that is the television schedule. Either that or go out and get a life...

Wacko Jacko goes spacko Monday 3 February

Weekone

Friday 14 February

Television is a cruel mistress: she teases and tantalises, only to disappoint when all you can find on is The World’s Greatest Stepladders on five. But let’s not forget that the gogglebox (as we say in the Westcountry) can also be educational too. As we lurch ever closer to giving the Americans a chance to kill some Arabs, the Beeb serve up Chasing Saddam’s Weapons (BBC 1, Sunday 9 February, 10.15pm). Unfortunately - or perhaps fortunately - not a reference to what’s in Saddam’s toolbox, the BBC’s cameras will instead follow the inspection team as they move around Iraq and capture their run-ins

with Iraqi scientists. Ten years from now, a computer game will be developed based on their adventures. On an entirely different note by far, the best thing on TV is still The Simpsons (BBC2, Monday 10 February). Even though they’re repeats, Matt Groening’s animated family still remain unsurpassed in terms of satirical humour. Perfect for when you come home from lectures worldweary and jaded. (TV Alex would like to dissent from this point of view: The Simpsons is quite possibly the most overrated programme ever, favouring insipid, liberalcomforting, head-bangingly self-evident ‘commentary’ on all the obvious topics rather than genuinely challenging assumptions.) And while we’re on the topic of overrated shows, let’s just put in a word for Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned (ITV1,

Wednesday 12 February, 10.30pm). As the sage Mr Tristan “I’m Deputy Editor Now” Thomas rightly says “They’re not really very funny, are they?” Well, quite. And yet, ITV in their infinite wisdom have allotted them a entire hour in which to rant on about rubbish thought up at the last minute. Hang on, I’m sensing a parallel between Messers B & S and a certain Desk devoted to TV. Hmm... We’re being advised on 20 Things To Do Before You’re 30 (S4C, Thursday 13 February, 10.30pm), but understandably, you may not entirely trust S4C’s judgment. So trust ours instead! 1) Linedancing; 2) Incest; 3) Get a tattoo saying ‘I *heart* TATU’ (cos that’s a PUN, geddit?! Thanks to News Desk); 4) Be involved in a spit-roast, whether as spit or roast; 5) Seduce your lecturer, then cruelly dump him - for his wife; 6) Become a member of the Church of Satan, just so you can repent; 7) Pull a New Labour spin doctor; 8) Abuse a war hero in print; 9) Eat eight

other for Davis Cup Tennis (BBC1, Friday 7 February, 11.40pm) as Britain - sans the mediocrity of ChickenLegs Henman and The Canadian, and therefore with not very much at all get comprehensively thrashed by Australia. Silver lining: you won’t have to put up with Sue Barker threatening to orgasm at every mention of Henman’s name, à la Wimbledon.

packets of Tunes in order to have religious hallucinations (TV Amy speaks from experience); 10) Arrange a fight between Miss Marple and Jessica Fletcher - over Dr Mark Sloane; 11) Bet on the outcome, and lose; 12) Form a band, but get no further than deciding on your TOTP outfits (really, you should have done this before you were 16, but we’re all for late starters here); 13) Get divorced - pretend to be married if necessary; 14) Force-feed a Cheeky Girl two suet puddings; 15) Stalk someone so much that they turn to you for comfort; 16) Scare all your acquaintances by listening to Diamanda Galás for fun; 17) Abduct and molest a member of Sports Desk - they love it, the whores; 18) Find out exactly what happened to Daphne & Celeste; 19) Take up serial

killing as a hobby and see how long it takes for the cops to realise; 20) Get a job on a student newspaper and lose your mind. Back to sanity, then, with Liquid Assets: Posh And Becks’ Millions (BBC1, Friday 14 February, 11.45pm), and no mention of Valentine’s cunting Day at all. Because obviously we care about the accounts of two vapid, vacuous overgrown pikeys with precisely half a brain cell between them. But if you really want to know how much Posh spends on leg waxing and tacky Gucci sunglasses, then be our guest and tune in. Goon. Our advice - and this time, we’re serious is to take up No 19 on our little checklist above, with a specific view to the eradication of the Beckhams. Get trigger-happy, motherfuckers!

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62 CRWYS ROAD, CARDIFF

Weektwo

Television

hang babies off balconies; normally he just tosses them off.) And if an insight into Wacko’s torrid private life isn’t enough, you can also see the plastic fool prancing around on a stage in Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Celebration The Solo Years (ITV1, Thursday 6 February, 11pm). The self-titled King of Pop (Feh! King of Slop, more like - Lame Puns Desk) will be performing not only a selection of hits from his annoyingly lengthy solo career, but will also be boring us senseless with tunes from his Jackson Five era, when he was a pretty

bonkers, but if I know my Footballers’ Wives (and I rather think I do) it’ll probably turn out to be the ebola virus or summat. Rare excitement will abound on Top Of The Pops (BBC1, Friday 7 February, 7.30pm) as the wondrous TATU make their debut. Cue much discussion about their socio-cultural impact on the kids (for example: would they have gone down - as it were - as well had they been boys?) and much perving over their girlon-girl action (Sports and News Desks could barely control their urges at the sight of their skimpy negligées, right). Most important of all, though, cue the best fucking pop song of the year so far. From one end of the talent spectrum to the

pickings

TV Desk is back to full manly - and womanly strength this week, returning from bouts of skiving, gallivanting around the country and illness with a vengeance. The week metaphorically kicks off with ol’ mad Mike raving and ranting to Martin Bashir about how he’s just misunderstood in Living with Michael Jackson (ITV1, Monday 3 February, 9pm). This is probably Bashir’s biggest scoop since Diana but more importantly, it’ll give us a chance to laugh at Jackson’s freakish, baby-throwing persona. (Though it’s nice of him to

black boy rather than an ugly white woman. Disproving TV Steve’s theory that women and gay men like Pretty Woman (ITV1, Tuesday 4 February, 9pm) - see listings - Alex would like it made known that he thinks it’s “saccharine nonsense”. I, on the other hand, love it more than life itself. Yes, I am that sad. But, honestly people, how can you not love a film that features Richard Gere in his suave, debonair days being, well, suave and debonair and not a hamsterabusing mantra-chanting fruitcake, as he is now? Speaking of extreme fruitcakery, the magnificent Footballers’ Wives (ITV1, Wednesday 5 February, 9pm) continues its descent into Sunset Beach-stylee lunacy. This week, Paddy is rushed to hospital with a fever. Might not sound

elevision

GRiP

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Monday 3 February BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter There’s a girl on Journalism who looks just like Liz from Blue Peter. A shout out to you young lady. 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Karl and Susan are back to their cringy ways I see... pass the sick bag. 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders Is Mark dead yet? 8.30 Ground Force Charlie Dimmock, cursed with what Viz would call “Oomlatters”. 9.00 Merseybeat 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Caught in the Act The Tommy and Pam story. Is it me or did Tommy borrow his cock from a Grand National winner? HUUUGE... 11.35 Film 2003 12.05 FILM: Love Story

7.00 CBBC: UBOS 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 X-periMENTAL 8.00 Round the Twist 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.50 Sheeep 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Binka 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 English Express 11.10 BBC Primary History 11.30 The Experimenter 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 Snooker 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Snooker 7.30 Clarissa and the Countryman 8.00 University Challenge Got two questions in a row right last week. A new house record. 8.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Shooting Stars Vic and Bob are the new Morecome and Wise. Vastly overrated. 10.00 The Kumars at No 42 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 In the Picture 11.50 Trouble at the Top 12.30 Musee du Louvre 1.20 Ever Wondered? 1.30 The Encyclopedie 2.00 Geography - World Physical

9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 Living with Michael Jackson Wacko explains how he thought his baby would land on its feet if he dropped it. Apparently the mother of Jacko’s baby was a small tabby called “Fluffy”. 10.50 ITV News at Ten 11.20 The Premiership on Monday Arsenal v Fulham, Southampton v Manchester United and Chelsea v Tottenham. 12.25 Football League Extra 1.05 FILM: Warlock: The Armageddon 2.40 Wish You Were Here...? 3.05 Today with Des and Mel

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Red Cap Tamzin thingy used to have a bit of a ‘tache when she first joined EastEnders. Money may not buy you happiness but electrolysis becomes an option it seems. 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 Rail Copssome 11.15 FILM: Kiss of Death 12.55 HomeFront 1.55 Horizon

6.00 Open University: Mosaico Hispanico 6.30 The Glastonbury Tales 7.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 SMart on the Road 8.00 Round the Twist 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.50 Sheeep 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Little Robots 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Starship 11.10 BBC Primary History 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Pathways of Belief: Islam 1.15 Watch 1.30 Snooker 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Snooker 7.30 Crooked Britain 8.00 Country Parish 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Napoleon's Lost Army 9.50 Posh Nosh 10.00 Happiness 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Snooker 12.30 Cultures of the Walkman 1.00 Open Advice 1.30 Looking at What Happens in Hospital Hospital 2.00 Geography in Animation

FILM: How Stella Got Her Groove Back ITV1 11.50pm

Ground Force BBC1 8.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Montel 12.30 Planed Plant 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks Mr C and Les up the ante. Perhaps The Shamen have reformed? “E’s are good, E’s are good”, c’mon everybody! 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad 8.30 Ffermio About farming...yawn... 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio World footie roundup in welsh. With bad 80’s style muzak. Hmmm... 10.35 Buried Anyone got any vera’s? Lahverly.... 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 Empire 1.05 Royal Deaths and Diseases 2.05 FILM: The Quiller Memorandum With George Segal and Alec Guinness. Should be good then.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: A Matter of Honour 3.40 FILM: Primal Secrets 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 World's Greatest Demolitions I’m literally jizzing myself about this programme, hunched double, eyes clenched with ecstasy, my hands a blur of flurried excitement... 8.30 Weapons of World War II 9.00 FILM: Con Air 11.15 The Honey Trap 11.45 outTHERE 12.15 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 1.10 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 2.35 Motorsport Mundial 3.00 Argentinian Football: Racing Club v San Lorenzo

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 Hey Arnold! 4.15 Grizzly Tales for Gruesome Kids 4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 The Bill Is this still on? Cor blimey guv’nor. 9.00 FILM: Pretty Woman If you like this film you’re either gay or a woman. Or both. C’mon movie people, you honestly expect us to believe that Richard Gere would pay $3000 for a tart and not force her to do depraved acts with hamsters? 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 FILM: Pretty Woman 11.50 FILM: How Stella Got Her Groove Back 2.00 Trisha 2.55 World Sport 3.20 Football League Extra 4.00 World Football 4.25 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks Ellie tries to make Toby jealous and is determined she can raise the profile of the Loft. Why a loft’s profile would need raising I don’t know. List of famous lofts: 1... 6.30 Slaymaker 7.00 Y Clwb Rygbi: Llanelli v Cardiff 8.55 Pobol y Cwm 9.20 Amdani 10.15 Newyddion 10.30 Property Ladder 11.35 V Graham Norton 12.05 NYPD Blue 1.00 The Richard Taylor Interviews 1.30 Running for God 2.30 FILM: Time Lock Right, time for some Essex girl jokes: Sharon from Romford is in a car accidentcrashing her Ford Escort into a lampost. Paramedics arrive at the scene. Medic: “What’s your name?” Sharon: “Umm.. Sharon” Medic: “Are you concussed? How many fingers am I holding up?” Sharon: “Oh no! I must be paralysed from the waist down!”. There’s plenty more where they come from..

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: Now You See Him 4.00 FILM: Volcano: Fire on the Mountain In the mountain surely? I’m no geologist but...oh fug it, I don’t really care. 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 Crime and Punishment: 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.50 Boomtown 10.50 God Almighty 11.20 Dumber and Dumber 11.50 Boxing 12.40 Sunshine Tour Golf 1.30 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v River Plate 3.05 2002 Winter X Games 4.30 Boca Juniors v San Lorenzo Shout out to TATU. Lesbian schoolgirls, what a concept! They’ve already offended the Mail too, “paedo-pop” they’ve called it. “‘Paedo-pop’, a good thing Cobley?” Cobley: “Yes”. Controversial....

Tuesday 4 February

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Wednesday 5 February BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 XperiMENTAL 4.35 Fairly Odd Parents 5.00 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround Extra 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Children's Hospital 7.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 8.00 The Life of Mammals: Food for Thought 9.00 Crimewatch UK 9.55 The National Lottery: Midweek Draws 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Story of Welsh with Huw 11.05 Crimewatch UK Update 11.15 They Think It's All Over 11.45 Match of the Day 12.45 FILM: The Prosecutors2.20 Sign Zone: The Life of Mammals 3.20 Sign Zone: Panorama 4.05 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 4.50 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: A New Way of Life 6.30 Open Advice - Study to Succeed 7.00 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 7.20 Dennis the Menace 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 Round the Twist 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Rubbadubbers 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Pingu 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 am.pm 1.00 The Daily Politics 1.05 Stefan's Ultimate Gardens 1.30 Working Lunch 2.00 Sn**ker 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 6.45 Sn**ker 7.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 8.00 HomeFront 9.00 The Day I Died 10.00 Marion and Geoff 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Snooker 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Ever Wondered? 1.00 Picasso's Guernica 1.30 The Magic Flute 2.00 Secondary Schools: Geography Investigating Asia 4.00 Languages: Spain Inside Out 4-5 5.00 Working in the Arts: Team Leadership and Business Skills

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 Horrible Histories 4.15 Pongwiffy 4.30 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Footballers' Wives Just two series in, it’s already a classic to rival Sunset Beach and Essex girls are already naming their children Chardonnay after what their spouses got them pissed on for the child’s conception. We hear that John Leslie’s got one on the way called Rohypnol. Fnarr fnarr fnarr. Thanks to Jonathan Ross for that joke. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 11.00 2DTV 11.30 Classy Acts 12.30 FILM: Geronimo 2.00Today with Des and Mel 3.20 Trisha 4.15 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote Diagnosis Murder just pisses all over Jessica Fletcher. 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 This Is Your Life 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 DIY SOS 8.30 Rogue Traders: Pest Controllers 9.00 Trust 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye 12.05 This Week 12.50 FILM: The Seven-Ups in 2.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Just Seventeen: The Geometry of Patterns 6.30 Pyramids, Plato and Football 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Andy Pandy 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.20 Hands Up! 10.35 Maths Challenge 10.50 Bobinogs 11.05 Made in Wales 11.20 Landmark Shorts 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Snooker 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Sn**ker 7.30 The Treasure House 8.00 Tony and Giorgio 8.30 How to Be a Gardener 9.00 Blair on Iraq: A Newsnight Special 9.50 Easy Money: The Muck Game 10.30 Newsnight With Kirsty Wark. 11.20 Davis Cup Tennis: Australia v Great Britain Sue Barker presents live coverage of the first day's play in this World Group first-round tie in Sydney. 5.00 Working in the Arts: The Future

Friends S4C 6pm

Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned ITV1 10.30pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Jara 9.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 9.30 Cwmni Drwg: Alistair Steadman Documentary telling the story of Alistair Steadman from Rhosybol, Anglesey, who was sentenced to twelve years in prison for attempting to sell military secrets to the Russians in 1975. Well, at least he got out of Wales. 10.00 Brookside 11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 Our Sam 1.00 Monkey 2.00 World Rally: Sweden 2.30 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup Crap non-gossip from gair rhydd’s media penthouse: Mr T to challenge Cobley to a fight in attempt...

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: Fade in to Murder 3.40 FILM: Kojak: It's Always Something 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 The World's Worst Drivers Caught on Tape 9.00 FILM: Outland 11.10 Real Sex 12.10 La Femme Nikita 12.55 NHL Ice Hockey: Dallas Stars v St Louis Blues 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay 5.35 Fastrax ...to revive ancient Sport/TV rivalry ... TV Amy humiliatingly defeated by Steven “Mr NonMuscle” Hurst ... TV Alex to get slapped next time he mentions A*******r C*mpbell...more later.

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Country Lives 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 Digimon 4.15 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Serious and Organised 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Tarrant on TV 11.00 Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Celebration - The Solo Years Awesome scenes! Mr Melty Man himself will be bodypopping, crotch-grabbing and baby-tossing all over the shop tonight as he performs hits from before his days as an out-andout nutjob. 12.50 Night and Day 1.45 The Brits Are Coming 2.10 CD:UK Hotshots 2.35 Cybernet 3.00 Trisha 3.55 Get Stuffed 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Made for Each Other 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Popty Pop 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Penwythnos Pws Dewi 9.00 Stuart Burrows Burrows where? Sorry. 10.00 Slaymaker 10.30 No Going Back: Return to Spain 11.30 Frasier Roz's 20-year-old cousin is quite the party girl when she arrives in Seattle, Frasier finds it impossible to keep up with her. Is this really worth a fnarr, or is it just too obvious? Hmm....you can’t keep a good fnarr down. So, FNARR it is! Good god, I’m being predictable today. If anyone wants to come and write some better jokes for me, I’ll pay them with money or sex, whichever you prefer. Though bear in mind I’m a minger. Just so you know. 12.00 V Graham Norton 12.35 Alias 1.30 Carling Homecoming 2.00 FILM: Last Night 3.45 FILM: Forty Guns to Apache Pass

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: Old-Fashioned Murder 3.40 FILM: Monte Walsh 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 7.45 Football: CIS Insurance Cup: Celtic v Dundee United 10.05 FILM: White Tiger 12.00 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.40 Football: CIS Insurance Cup: Celtic v Dundee United 2.20 Dutch Football: Willem II v Ajax 4.00 Boxing: Fight of the Week 4.50 Sunshine Tour Golf 5.35 Motorsport Mundial So then, in tribute to the nouveau classic, who’s everyone’s favourite Footballer’s Wife? “Louise Nurding, or Redknapp as she prefers to be known” - Cobliero; “Harry Kewell’s bird” - TV Stevo; “Sammy Winward, she’s only 17” - A panting, dirty mac-clad Tristan.

Thursday 6 February

Television

BBC1

GRiP

elevision

GRiP

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Friday 7 February BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Bargain Hunt 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 3.55 ChuckleVision 4.10 The Scooby Doo Show 4.35 The Ghost Hunter 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Stuart ropes Libby into a promotional idea. Bondage scenes ahoy! Fnarr! 6.00 News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport The guests are Ben Cohen, Robbie Fowler, Ben Ainslie and Gary Speed. I don’t know who any of these people are, and have stopped listening to Sports Desk’s explanation. Footballers suck. 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Mark and Martin come to blows. Oh, go on. Fnarr again. 8.30 Only Fools and Horses 9.00 Two Thousand Acres of Sky 10.00 News 10.35 Just Up Your Street 11.05 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 11.40 Davis Cup Tennis: Australia v Great Britain We’re going to get thrashed. Muahahahaha. 1.05 FILM: On the Edge of Innocence 2.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Arch Never Sleeps 6.30 Soaring Achievements 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 World Skiing Championships 1.50 Sn**ker 6.00 The Simpsons There are no words to describe how overrated this is. Good, yes; funny, yes, but it’s neither great comedy nor great social commentary. 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Scrum V Live 9.00 The Winter Flying Gardener 9.30 Timewatch: 1914: The War Revolution ‘Aha! Nothing more than an attempt to condition us into accepting the inevitability of global war in preparation for the invasion of Iraq!’ - Paranoid Conspiracy Theory Desk. 10.20 Ray Mears's Country Tracks 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review With guests Ian Hislop, Miranda Sawyer and Mark Kermode. Hopefully Hislop will not pretend to be an authority on hip-hop again. Ever. 11.35 Taken 1970: Owen 1.00 BBC Learning Zone: Open Science: After the Genome 1.50 What Have the 80s Ever Done for Us? Um. Tiffany? 2.00 Languages: Spanish Journey Part 2 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: Revisewise at School: Maths 1

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 As Told by Ginger 4.10 How II 4.30 Lan Jam 5.00 Crossroads Lola and Belle are astounded that Philomena is pregnant. Especially with a name like that. 5.30 Airline 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Facelift Diaries 9.00 The Last Detective 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.30 Shotgun Slideshow Videos by new bands, including One Hot Puppet, Neckbrace, Optimas Prime, The Benjamins and Cream Tangerine. ‘Tis a veritable feast of weird’n’wacky names, but if the third band are anything to go by they’ll all be shite. 12.00 Dial-a-Date 12.35 The District 1.25 CD:UK Hotshots 1.55 Veronica's Closet 2.20 Entertainment Now! 2.45 Today with Des and Mel 3.35 Ghost Stories 3.55 World Football 4.20 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.45 Get Stuffed 4.55 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 CBBC 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 News 12.10 Football Focus 1.00 Grandstand 1.05 Rugby League 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.30 News 5.45 Wales Today 5.50 Friends like These Well, who needs enemies with the kind of friends who’ll drag you on to some common game show like this? 6.45 Weakest Link 7.35 The National Lottery: Jet Set 8.10 Casualty 9.00 FILM: The Thomas Crown Affair “Renee Russo has great tits. And so does Pierce Brosnan” TV Amy. “She only ever plays the same role”, muses Tristan, clearly considering his move to Film as we speak. 10.45 News 11.05 Boxing Olympic champion Audley Harrison faces his toughest challenge yet. What, does he actually have to fight someone who can box now? 12.35 They Think It's All Over 1.05 A Question of Sport 1.35 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 2.15 Top of the Pops 2.45 Davis Cup Tennis: Australia v Great Britain 5.00 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Weekend 24 9.05 HARDtalk 9.30 Conspiracies 10.00 Saturday Kitchen Live 11.30 Sn**ker 12.00 See Hear 12.45 The Sky at Night Specially broadcast for those of a nocturnal disposition who find themselves awake in the middle of the day. 1.10 Full Circle with Michael Palin 2.00 Film 2003 with Jonathan Ross 2.30 Watching the Detectives: Cagney and Lacey 3.20 Watching the Detectives: Perry Mason 4.50 What the Papers Say 5.00 Sn**ker 7.10 Trust Me, I'm a Politician Michael Cockerell explores why public trust in politicians has fallen to such low levels. TV Desk will certainly fall to low levels if Alastair Campbell’s involved... *drifts into fantasy world* 8.10 Terry Jones' Hidden Histories: Rome 9.00 Sn**ker 10.30 Live Floor Show This may possibly be sexual, but I’ve deleted the blurb so... *shrug* 11.30 Davis Cup Tennis: Australia v Great Britain 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision

The Six Wives of Henry VIII S4C 12pm

Born Sloppy S4C 1.15am

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Windsors 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks Ellie holds auditions for pole dancers. Cobley, are you judging this by any chance? 6.30 Jara Jos's father insists he delays leaving for art school until after the hay is in. Don’tcha just love the way S4C programmes counter so effectively that old stereotype of the Welsh as primitive rustic yokels? 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Gwyllt 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Y Set 9.30 No Going Back 10.30 Sex and the City Watch to see what innovative ways they’ll come up with to hide Sarah Jessica Parker’s bump this week. 11.10 V Graham Norton *spits contemptuously* 11.45 The Book Group 12.15 World Rally: Sweden 12.45 Make My Day 1.15 Born Sloppy 2.00 Top Ten - 80s Pop Pioneers 3.30 Skiing on 4: Nordic Combined World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: The Bye-Bye Sky High IQ Murder Case 3.40 FILM: The Spy in the Green Hat ...has just had his cover blown by Channel 5. 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Ethan makes a shocking declaration. Clearly, this is Ethan Hawke declaring himself to be TV Desk’s secret lover. Mmm. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday Home 9.00 FILM: No Way Back With Russell Crowe, the king of Poetry Tantrums. 10.50 FILM: Temptress 12.40 FILM: Mind Games 2.05 FILM: Savannah Smiles 3.50 Monsters 4.10 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.20 The Love Boat 5.10 Sons and Daughters

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 Planet's Funniest Animals 1.00 News 1.10 On the Ball 2.00 FILM: Airport 75 4.00 The Goal Rush 5.10 News 5.40 The Brits Are Coming 6.10 Blind Date Fuck Cilla Black. 7.10 Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway Ant and Dec return with the game show offering a chance to win just about anything - provided it has featured in the commercial breaks. Possibly the worst idea for a TV programme ever. 8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.15 Stars in Their Eyes Coronation Street Special 10.15 News 10.30 The Premiership 12.00 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned, and still unfunny. 12.30 FILM: In the Army Now 2.05 CD:UK 2.55 Dial-a-Date 3.20 Entertainment Now! What passes for entertainment in the GR office: Riath regaling us with alarmingly true stories of sex and shit; Tristan making a darling little ‘cunt’ sign which now adorns TV Desk’s computer; innuendo in everything; waiting for the fucking pizza. Where? Where? Where is it? Grmph. 3.50 Ghost Stories 4.30 Cybernet 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.10 The Hoobs 7.00 Skiing on 4: Freestyle World Championships Downhill skiing scenes - awesome. 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sport Talk 11.00 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup 12.00 The Six Wives of Henry VIII Ooh! Anne Boleyn will be in this! God, I love that woman. How odd is it to fancy her? “Very, very odd” TV Amy. 1.00 In Your Face 1.15 Postmodern Pastimes 1.25 Channel 4 attheraces 4.00 Napoleon 5.00 Newyddion 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi TV Desk would like to take the opportunity in this Varsity issue to declare rugby a sport suitable only for knuckle-headed closet cases who ming so much that this is the only way they can get any sort of sexual satisfaction. 7.15 Newyddion 7.30 Penwythnos Pws Dewi 8.00 Cystadleuaeth Cor Cymru 9.30 Stuart Burrows 10.30 FILM: I Know What You Did Last Summer TV Desk knows all, you see. Though the endlessly bad Sarah Michelle Gellar doesn’t in this horror gubbins. 12.25 Without Prejudice? 1.25 World Rally 1.55 Comedy Lab: Noble and Silver 2.25 Hajj: The Greatest Trip on Earth 3.20 FILM: The Return of the Fly 4.40 KOTV

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 7.55 Shake! 8.00 Gadget and the Gadgetinis 8.30 Alvin and the Chipmunks 8.40 Beyblade 9.05 Dan Dare 9.40 Xcalibur 10.10 Max Steel 10.40 Beast Wars 11.10 Xena: Warrior Princess 12.05 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 1.00 Popular 1.55 Harry and Cosh 2.25 Cleopatra 2525 2.50 The Smash Hits Chart 3.20 Home and Away Omnibus 5.25 FILM: The Neverending Story III - Escape from Fantasia 7.00 Charmed 7.50 Dark Angel 8.40 five news and sport 9.00 CSI: Miami 9.55 Law and Order 10.55 FILM: Wild Orchid 12.55 FILM: Executive Target 2.35 FILM: Della 3.40 Melrose Place 4.25 First Wave 5.10 Sons and Daughters This week, TV Desk loves: TATU (especially Julia Volkova), because Russian schoolgirl pseudo-lesbians rock; Justin Timberlake, especially following last issue’s photos; Tori Amos and Howie Day, who entertained TV Alex and TV Amy very well two weeks ago. TV Desk hates: 9am seminars, as ever (“seminars? What are seminars?” - TV Alex); war (token serious issue); Robbie ‘Fool’ Williams, for no specific reason, but he’s always good for a bit of hatred.

Saturday 8 February

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Sunday 9 February BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 TV Mail 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 The Politics Show 1.00 Hi-de-Hi! 1.30 Keeping Up Appearances 2.20 EastEnders 4.15 The Life of Mammals 5.15 BBC News; Weather 5.35 Regional News and Weather 5.40 Songs of Praise 6.15 Last of the Summer Wine I would have thought that wine should have been finished a good few years ago, but it’s still here, like a rather pungent colostomy bag that doesn’t get changed enough. 6.45 Antiques Roadshow From Sherborne in Dorset, which is almost my home town. Expect inbreds mumbling about cider. 7.30 Holiday Swaps I’ll swap my weekend in Bognor with your tour of the West Indies... 8.00 Down to Earth 9.00 Christopher Reeve: Hope in Motion The title seems a little unfortunate methinks. 10.00 BBC News 10.15 Panorama: Chasing Saddam's Weapons They’re in his pocket! Riath: “Any world leader who has his national football team’s feet whipped for playing crap is clearly a misunderstood individual.” 10.55 FILM: Dolores Claiborne 1.05 FILM: Sleepstalker

7.00 CBBC: Arthur 7.15 Looney Tunes 7.35 Yvon of the Yukon 8.00 Smile 10.35 Serious Jungle 11.00 Ed Stone Is Dead 11.25 Young Indiana Jones Chronicles 1.00 Grandstand 1.05 Rugby Special 1.40 Ski Sunday Special 2.10 Snooker 5.15 Scrum V Oooh... the varsity match draws nearer as I write. I think I’d rather go have a wank. Fucking rugby. 6.10 Supervolcanoes Bigger, more steep, lava-overflowing from every, er, hole. It’s the supervolcanoes!!!! 7.00 BBC Three Launch Night 9.00 Snooker The darts ends, and the snooker begins. Whoopie... 10.30 The X Files Christ, when one of your main characters is called Dogget it’s time to give up. 11.15 Boxing: Shane Mosley v Raul Marquez Excellent. Nothing better than late night bash-up. Queensbury style. 12.15 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize Revision 4.00 Languages: Italy Inside Out 1-2 5.00 The Tool Kit to Communicating

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.30 Miffy and Friends 10.35 Tractor Tom 10.50 Engie Benjy 11.05 The Village People 11.30 My Favourite Hymns 12.30 Waterfront 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby including Lunchtime News and Weather 1.55 HTV News and Weather 2.00 Soccer Sunday 2.30 That's Esther 3.00 FILM: Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey 4.40 HTV News and Weather 4.55 FILM: Sister Act 6.45 ITV News 7.00 My Uncle Silas From the channel that gave you Footballers’ Wives: Albert Finney reducing himself to ITV levels. 7.30 Coronation Street Not that I’m a snob, I like Footballers’ Wives. Or “big tit fest” as we call it my house. 8.00 The Royal It’s the TV equivalent of Loaded and that can only be good thing. 9.00 The Second Coming Ain’t gonna happen. Ever. ‘Cos I said so. 10.35 The All New Harry Hill Show 11.05 ITV Weekend News 11.20 The South Bank Show 12.20 John Meets Paul: A Mediterranean Journey 12.50 Crossroads Omnibus 2.40 Trisha 3.35 World Sport 4.00 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.15 Trading Up in the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Cramp Twins 4.20 The Make Shift 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday Travel 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Ground Force Series 9.00 In Deep 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News 10.35 In Deep 11.35 BBC Three Zone: Johnny Vaughan Tonight 12.05 BBC Three Zone: Burn It 12.35 BBC Three Zone: Liquid News 1.10 FILM: Black Day, Blue Night 2.40 Joins BBC News 24

7.20 Blue Peter 7.45 XperiMENTAL 8.00 Round the Twist 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.50 Sheeep 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Binka 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 English Express 11.10 BBC Primary History 11.30 The Experimenter 11.50 See You, See Me 12.10 Around Scotland 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Magic Key 1.15 Numbertime 1.30 Bowls 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Farscape 7.30 Clarissa and the Countryman 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Wrong Car, Right Car 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks 9.30 Shooting Stars 10.00 The Kumars at No 42 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Bowls 11.50 Holidays in the Axis of Evil12.30 Long Remembered Hills 1.00 Building the Perfect Beast 1.50 Ever Wondered?

The Simpsons BBC2 6pm

Christopher Reeve: Hope in Motion BBC1 9pm

S4C

five

6.00 The Hoobs 6.25 The Hoobs 6.50 Blue's Clues 7.15 Investigators 7.35 The Zack Files 7.40 Johnny Bravo 8.05 City Guys 8.35 Robbie Williams Night: FILM: The Wackiest Ship in the Army 10.20 Popworld Meets Justin Timberlake 10.50 Dawson's Creek 11.40 Stargate SG-1 12.30 Yr Wythnos 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 The Salon: Reappointment 3.00 Will and Grace 3.25 Maniffesto 4.25 Rownd a Rownd: Omnibws 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Cystadleuaeth Cor Cymru 9.00 Amdani 9.55 Newyddion 10.10 FILM: Austin Powers: The Spy who Shagged Me Overrated. The latest one was a steaming pile of festering cack too. 12.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 1.00 World Rally 1.30 FILM: The Horseman on the Roof Are never worth a flutter. 3.55 Bone Breakers

6.00 WideWorld 6.25 Miracles of Faith 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.35 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Babar 9.30 George Shrinks 10.00 The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams 11.00 Don't Blame the Koalas 11.30 Revelations 12.00 Park Life 12.30 The Smash Hits Chart 1.00 five news update 1.10 FILM: Daria the Movie: Is It Fall Yet? 2.30 Artists in Residence: Bloomsbury 3.00 FILM: Gypsy 5.40 Dream Holiday Home 6.10 five news 6.20 FILM: Black Beauty My God, I’ve seen this. Good music though... 8.00 Monkey Magic Magic by monkeys, pulling bananas out of various orifices. 8.30 Dumber and Dumber 9.00 FILM: Lethal Weapon Check out Gibbo’s mullet in this! 11.15 World's Wildest Police 12.10 NHL Ice Hockey: New Jersey Devils v Minnesota Wild 4.30 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 As Told by Ginger 4.10 Fingertips 4.30 Eliminator 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Emmerdale 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Coronation Street 9.00 The Second Coming Profile of ‘tached pornstar Johnny Bigcocks who found God whilst spraying his manmilk over the faces of cokeaddicted young laydeez.. 10.30 ITV News at Ten 11.00 Margaret the Secret Princess 12.05 The Premiership on Monday 1.00 Football League Extra 1.40 Wish You Were Here...? 2.05 Today with Des and Mel 2.55 Antiques Trail 3.20 Entertainment Now! 3.45 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Return to River Cottage 12.30 Planed Plant 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks Lisa discovers who has stolen Sally's ring. The ring fairies. Not as rude as it could have been. 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Cefn Gwlad 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 Pobol y Cwm 9.30 Sgorio The best Welsh programme S4C has to offer. Which is both a compliment and an insult. 10.35 Buried Drama series set in HMP Mandrake. Lee is now top dog on the wing. But his reputation is endangered when a rumour goes round that Kappa, his sidekick, is a paedophile. As well as being a tracksuit, I presume. And what kind of name is “Mandrake” for a prison? 11.40 V Graham Norton 12.10 Empire 1.10 Royal Deaths and Diseases 2.10 FILM: Prince of Darkness 4.00 Schools

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: Try and Catch Me 3.40 FILM: Murder Ahoy 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 Kings and Queens 8.30 Weapons of World War II 9.00 FILM: Deep Blue Sea Some guff about genetically modified sharks or something. Has LL Cool J as the wisecracking black dude who survives by quipping things like “Dis ain’t s’posed to happen to a brutha”. Probably. 11.05 The Honey Trap 11.35 outTHERE 12.05 US PGA Golf 12.55 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 1.50 FIM World Supercross Grand Prix 3.20 Argentinian Football: River Plate v Independiente 4.50 Dutch Football: Willem II v Ajax All rugby players love cock!!

Monday 10 February

Television

BBC1

GRiP

elevision

GRiP

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Tuesday 11 February BBC1

BBC2

ITV1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.15 Trading Up in the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Watchdog 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 Holby City 9.00 Red Cap 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Week In, Week Out 11.05 Rail Cops 11.45 BBC Three Zone: 12.15 BBC Three Zone: Vinnie 12.45 BBC Three Zone: Blood Diamonds: The Third Degree 1.20 Sign Zone: HomeFront 2.20 Sign Zone: How to Be a Gardener 2.50 Sign Zone: See Hear 3.35 Sign Zone: Antiques Roadshow 4.20 Joins BBC News 24 Cobliero’s Bird of the Moment: Julia Volkova, the fit one from paedo-pop Ruskies TATU.

6.00 Open University: Bringing Home the Bacon 6.30 Manet 7.00 CBBC 9.30 Little Robots 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 BBC Primary History 11.10 The Experimenter 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Pathways of Belief Islam 1.15 Watch 1.30 Bowls 2.25 am.pm 3.20 BBC News; Weather 3.25 Wales Today; Weather 3.30 Bowls 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 with The Nolans, bints; Madness, gits; Elkie Brooks, big-haired legend; Annie Lennox, mentalist. 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Crooked Britain 8.00 Country Parish 8.30 Escape to the Country 9.00 Living the Dream 9.50 Posh Nosh 10.00 Happiness 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Bowls 11.50 Holidays in the Axis of Evil 12.30 BBC Learning Zone: Open University: Open Advice 1.00 Imagining New Worlds 1.30 They Did It Their Way 2.00 Secondary Schools: Geography Australia 2000 4.00 Languages: Italy Inside Out/Talk Italian 1-2 5.00 The Tool Kit to Communicating: Confidence Lab 1-2

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 The Foxbusters 4.00 Hey Arnold! 4.30 Dangerville 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather The latest national and international news. 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 The Ferret 8.00 Charles and Camilla 9.00 Surprise Wedding Documenting the unexpected union between Jordan and Gareth Gates. “I d-d-d-do.” 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Real Life: A Father's Story 11.35 FILM: The Haunted Heart 1.15 Trisha 2.10 Ghost Stories 2.35 World Sport 3.00 Football League Extra 3.40 World Football 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News Can it really be true? Are those ambassadors for Transylvania, those gorgeous specimens of big-haired beauty The Cheeky Girls coming to our humble establishment of learning? ....

BBC1

BBC2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.15 Trading Up in the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 CBeebies: Fimbles 3.45 CBBC 5.00 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround Extra 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Children's Hospital 7.30 Celebrity Ready Steady Cook 8.00 The Vicar of Dibley 8.30 Iraq: Britain Decides The Debate 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Story of Welsh with Huw Edwards 11.05 They Think It's All Over 11.35 Match of the Day: England v Australia 12.30 BBC Three Zone 2.05 Sign Zone: The Life of Mammals 3.05 Sign Zone: Panorama 3.45 Sign Zone: DIY SOS 4.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: The Art of the Restorer 6.30 The Celebrated Cyfarthfa Band 7.00 CBBC: The Woody Woodpecker Show 7.20 Dennis the Menace 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 Round the Twist 8.25 Flint the Time Detective 8.45 Pocket Dragon Adventures 9.00 CBeebies: Clifford the Big Red Dog 9.15 Bob the Builder 9.30 Rubbadubbers 9.40 Fimbles 10.00 Tweenies 10.25 Teletubbies 10.50 Pingu 10.55 Beebie's Tails 11.00 am.pm 1.00 Bowls 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 TOTP 2 With Valentinethemed songs from Queen, Bad Company and Showaddywaddy. Respectively: once-great pop legends now sadly complete and utter arse; No idea; the band with the best name in the world. Rock on! 6.45 Star Trek: The Next Generation 7.30 Football: Wales v Bosnia 9.50 E-Mails You Wish You Hadn't Sent 10.00 Marion and Geoff 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Bowls 11.50 Store Wars 12.20 Trade Secrets

The Vicar of Dibley BBC1 8pm

Star Trek: The Next Generation BBC2 6.45pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Tell It to Me Straight 9.30 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Slaymaker 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Pacio 9.00 Amdani 9.55 Property Ladder 10.55 The West Wing 11.50 V Graham Norton 12.20 NYPD Blue 1.15 The Richard Taylor Interviews 1.45 Witness: Kidneys for Jesus I’m not entirely sure he needs them, you know. Being dead and all. 2.45 Fame in the Family 4.00 Schools ...Oh praise be! Get me a front row ticket so that I can be blinded by their radiant beauty, pleasured aurally by their melodic stylings and moved to tears by lines of poetry like “Touch my bum, this is life”.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: Columbo: Murder under Glass 3.40 FILM: Runaway Father 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 Crime and Punishment: People v Mayta 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 9.50 Boomtown 10.50 God Almighty 11.20 Dumber and Dumber 11.50 Boxing: Fight of the Week 12.40 Sunshine Tour Golf 2 1.30 2002 Winter X Games 3.30 European Kiteboard Champs 2002 4.20 Argentinian Football: Boca Juniors v Racing Club

ITV1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Shortland Street 3.00 ITV News Headlines 3.05 HTV News and Weather 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.45 The Sylvester and Tweety Mysteries 4.00 Jungle Run 4.30 Worst Best Friends 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News 7.00 Re-living Michael Jackson 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Footballers' Wives Jason reacts badly to the news that his son is a hermaphrodite. Har har har har! You see? You see? It’s genius! Expect this sensitive subject to be handled about as delicately as Matthew Kelly handled his young ‘friends’. Allegedly. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned 11.00 2DTV 11.30 Classy Acts 12.35 Redcoats 1.00 FILM: Imaginary Crimes 2.45 Today with Des and Mel 3.40 Trisha 4.35 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.30 Y Clwb Rygbi Rhyngwladol: Cymru v Bosnia & Herzegovina 9.45 Newyddion 10.00 Brookside 11.30 V Graham Norton 12.00 To Be Announced 1.00 Monkey 2.00 Perfect Smile 3.00 Skiing on 4: The Audi Alpine World Cup Current debates raging around the gair rhydd office: Who would win a fight between a crab and a lobster? What in God’s name has TV Alex just put on the stereo? (This is good shit, bitch - TV Alex.) When Tristan uses the word ‘love’ to refer to his Sports Desk colleague Riath does he really mean it platonically? Are TATU actually lesbians? You see, we’re all serious journalists up here. And now, two space-filling Essex Girl jokes: How do you know if an Essex girl’s had a good night out? Throw her knickers against a wall and see if they stick. How do you make an E.G.’s eyes light up? Shine a torch up her nose. Har har har!

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 7.45 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: Columbo: How to Dial a Murder 3.50 FILM: Cagney and Lacey: The View through the Glass Ceiling 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 The World's Most Amazing Crash Tests Dramatic footage of luxury cars being destroyed in the name of safety research. Yes, really. 9.00 FILM: Dirty Harry 11.05 Real Sex Featuring all-female wrestling. Red-blooded men, set your videos now! On second thoughts, don’t. Ten to one they’re all big butch Berthas with no tits and biceps the size of the Incredible Hulk. But if you like that sort of thing... 12.05 La Femme Nikita 12.50 NHL Ice Hockey 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay 5.35 Fastrax

Wednesday 12 February

gairrhyddtelevision@hotmail.com

Thursday 13 February BBC 2

ITV 1

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys None in the GR office, as Gemma’s pleas for people to run errands are met only with Sports Desk’s excuses. Pussies. 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.15 Trading Up in the Sun 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 The Woody Woodpecker Show 4.05 The Wild Thornberrys 4.20 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Wild Thornberrys 4.45 Cavegirl 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 This Is Your Life Michael Aspel presents an unsuspecting individual with an evening of forced smiles and people they hoped never to see again returning to haunt them. 7.30 EastEnders 8.00 DIY SOS In this show, a woman who loved wielding her hammer, but hated the results. Rather like TV Amy. 8.30 Rogue Traders: Roofing 9.00 Trust 10.00 News 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye This still sounds rude, even after a year. 12.05 This Week... will be gloomy and grey, according to TV Desk’s crystal ball. 12.55 FILM: Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry 2.25 Joins BBC News 24

7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 11.30 The Daily Politics 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bowls 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Buffy the Vampire Slayer 7.30 The Treasure House 8.00 Tony and Giorgio 8.30 How to Be a Gardener In this edition, ten essential plants no garden should be without. Datura and peyote for a start, and clitoria blue pea. 9.00 Horizon: Sexual Chemistry Ah, it abounds up at gair rhydd - between Sports Desk and News Desk in particular. 9.50 Cot Death Mothers: The Witch Hunt 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Bowls 11.50 Whistle Test Years 12.35 The Learning Zone: Open Science: Personal Passions 12.55 The Next Big Thing TATU. Directions: go out, walk into nearest rekkid shop, acquire TATU single, luxuriate in the pure pop perfection of it all. 1.30 The Sunbaskers 2.00 CyberTalk 2.30 Why Me? Why Now? Oh, ‘tis a question I ask myself daily. 3.00 Open Advice - The University without Walls 3.30 Curriculum Development: Teaching Today 4.00 Languages: Italian Journey Part 1 5.00 The Tool Kit to Communicating: Confidence Lab 5-6

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 2.30 Country Lives 3.00 News 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 Digimon 4.15 Bounty Hamster 4.30 Seriously Weird 5.00 Crossroads 5.30 Airline 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Wales this Week 8.00 The Bill 9.00 Surprise Wedding Mark Durden-Smith and Amanda Lamb present the show in which six women put their relationships to the test by asking their boyfriends to marry them. Oh lord, it all just gets worse. Here’s to hoping the poor boys will all humiliate the grabbing bitches by turning them down and laughing in their faces. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Tarrant on TV 11.00 Grounded for Life 11.30 Grounded for Life When Jimmy is bullied at school, Eddie teaches him a few kung fu moves. That’s right kids, fight violence with violence. 12.05 Night and Day 12.55 Now and Again 1.45 The Brits Are Coming 2.10 CD:UK Hotshots 2.35 Cybernet 3.05 Trisha 3.55 Get Stuffed 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

BBC 1

BBC 2

6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 The Morning Show 11.00 Big Strong Boys: Rugby Special 11.30 Bargain Hunt 12.15 Trading Up in the Sun 1.00 News 1.45 Neighbours 2.05 Doctors 2.35 Murder, She Wrote 3.25 Fimbles 3.45 Woody Woodpecker 3.55 Chucklevision 4.10 The Scooby Doo Show 4.35 Kerching! 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours 6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today 7.00 A Question of Sport 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders 8.35 Only Fools and Horses 9.05 Two Thousand Acres of Sky 10.00 News 10.35 Just Up Your Street 11.05 Six Nations Preview 11.45 BBC Three Zone: Liquid Assets: Posh and Becks' Millions... still can’t disguise the fact that they’re nothing but common Essex pikeys with appalling fashion sense. 12.45 Patrick Kielty Almost Live 1.20 BBC Three Zone: 3 Non-Blondes 1.55 FILM: Carry On Loving 3.25 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Open University: Taking Off 6.30 At Home 7.00 CBBC 9.00 CBeebies 12.00 Working Lunch 1.00 Bowls OVER FOUR FUCKING HOURS?!?! BOWLS??? *cue epileptic fit of rage* 5.15 Weakest Link 6.00 The Simpsons 6.20 The Fresh Prince of Bel Air 6.45 Robot Wars: The Sixth Wars Bigger Brother competes with Behemoth, Disc-O-Inferno and Killer Carrot 2. Lord, the geekboys who go in for this really aren’t interested in saving face. 7.30 Essential Poems (to Fall in Love with) 8.00 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: South-West Ireland 8.30 The Winter Flying Gardener 9.00 Motherland: A Genetic Journey 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review With guests Tom Paulin and Rosie Boycott. Paulin = insufferable twat, Rizla Boycott = legend. 11.35 Bowls 12.20 FILM: A Simple Twist of Fate 3.00 BBC Learning Zone: National Test Revision: Revisewise at School: Maths 2

Sex and the City S4C 10.30pm

Horizon: Sexual Chemistry BBC2 9pm

S4C

five

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Made for Each Other 2.15 A Place in the Sun 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Popty Pop 7.00 Wedi 7 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Pobol y Cwm 8.25 Penwythnos Pws Dewi 9.00 Ffordd Lydan I'r E-Fro 10.00 Slaymaker 10.30 20 Things to Do before You're 30 11.35 Frasier 12.05 V Graham Norton 12.35 Alias 1.30 The Jamie Kennedy Experiment “This is fucking dross” - a sneering TV Amy. 2.00 The Other Side 3.00 Top Ten TV: Bitches “I’d say Lauren Laverne, but she’s not really a bitch. Um, Jenny Eclair” - TV Amy. “Well, I fucking hate Kate Thornton” - Gemma. “Judy Finnegan” - Sports Desk. “Lassie” - News Desk, still witty even at half past eleven. 4.30 Extreme Ironing “Oooooohhh, I’d be so good at that! I love ironing!” - 12 straight hours in the office are getting to Gemma.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.25 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.25 FILM: The Rockford Files 3.40 FILM: Time Bomb 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away Irene helps fulfil one of Nathan's dreams. Wet, we assume, so a ‘fnarr!’ for Irene and Nathan. 6.30 Family Affairs Vince tells Fern about Nikki moving in with Roy. *tch* You know what they say about people who talk to plants. 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 FILM: Bullet to Beijing 10.05 FILM: The Stone Killer 12.00 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.35 Dutch Football 2.15 Argentinian Football 3.55 Boxing: Fight of the Week Alastair Campbell v Justin Timberlake for TV Desk’s heart. 4.45 Sunshine Tour Golf 5.35 Motorsport Mundial

ITV 1

S4C

five

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.30 News 1.00 Today with Des and Mel 2.00 Wish You Were Here...? 3.00 News 3.15 Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends 3.20 Ripley and Scuff 3.40 Yoko! Jakamoko! Toto! 3.50 Bernard's Watch 4.10 How II 4.30 Lan Jam 5.00 Crossroads Angel has a savage fight with Kate in the fountain. How very Girls Aloud. Incidentally, if anyone out there actually purchased their single, would they please do the human race a favour and go commit suicide somewhere? I’d ask for you to do it in an imaginative way, but as you’re Girls Aloud fans you won’t know what that word means. 5.30 Airline 6.00 News 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Coronation Street Steve's jealousy backfires on him. Fnarr! 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Facelift Diaries 9.00 The Last Detective 10.30 Clublife 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.30 Diala-Date Valentine Special 12.00 FILM: The Bridges of Madison County 2.30 CD:UK Hotshots 3.00 Entertainment Now! 3.25 Today with Des and Mel 4.15 World Football 4.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 5.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.05 The Hoobs 6.55 RI:SE 9.00 Ysgolion/Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant Bach 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 The Windsors 2.45 Fifteen to One 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Planed Plant 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Hollyoaks 6.30 To Be Announced Fine, be like that. Don’t give us the listings. See if we care. 7.00 Popcorn 7.30 Newyddion 8.00 Yma Mae 'Nghan 8.30 Pobol y Cwm 9.00 Y Set 9.30 Leonardo's Dream Machines 10.30 Sex and the City 11.10 V Graham Norton 11.40 The Book Group 12.10 Make My Day, Alastair! Yes! 12.40 Born Sloppy 1.25 Top Ten Love Songs A moment, please, as the office gets emotional. “Slide It In by Whitesnake” - Nick. “Bang by Yeah Yeah Yeahs” TV Amy continues the rampant sensitivity. Can Our Leader rescue us from this slide into depravity? Why, of course: “Last Goodbye by Jeff Buckley, that’s my favourite”. Lovely. And News Desk, too! “Northern Sky by Nick Drake. Beautiful”. “Anything by Slipknot” - Sports Desk seem, once more, to have missed the point. Anyway, I’ll take Nick Cave And The Bad Seeds, Into My Arms. Sniff. 2.55 Skiing on 4: Nordic Combined World Cup

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Beachcomber Bay 6.55 Hi-5 7.30 Make Way for Noddy 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Rolie Polie Olie 9.00 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 9.30 SeaWorld 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 Magnum PI 12.00 five news at noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 BrainTeaser 2.20 FILM: The Return of the World's Greatest Detective 3.50 FILM: The Lies He Told 5.30 five news 6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Double Cross 7.30 five news 8.00 House Doctor 8.30 Dream Holiday Home 9.00 FILM: DNA 10.55 FILM: Stripshow 12.35 FILM: Freebie and the Bean 2.30 FILM: Maxie 4.05 The Love Boat 4.55 Russell Grant's Postcards 5.10 Sons and Daughters So there’s this man walking through Manhattan with his kid son twenty years in the future, and they come to the empty space where the Twin Towers once stood. “Daddy, what’s that?” “Well son, the World Trade Centre used to stand there”. “What’s the World Trade Centre?” “It was the pride of America, a symbol of our allconquering power and capitalist might, but the Arabs destroyed it”. “Arabs, Daddy? What are they?”

Friday 14 February

Television

BBC 1

GRiP

• 24

gair rhydd 03 02 03

By-Elections • 13

Cardiff University Students’ Union

2003 Elections NOTICE OF ELECTION OF DELEGATES TO NUS CONFERENCE. 31ST MARCH UNTIL 3RD APRIL IN BLACKPOOL. Nominations are now open; forms are available from Rona Griffiths on the third floor of the Union. Nominations close at 5pm on Friday 7th February 2003. There are twelve spaces available.

NOTICE OF ELECTION OF DELEGATES TO NUS WALES SPRING CONFERENCE. MARCH 14TH/ 15TH/ 16TH IN ABERYSTWYTH. Nominations are now open; forms are available from Rona Griffiths on the third floor of the Union. Nominations close at 5pm on Friday 7th February 2003. There are four spaces available.

The candidates and the manifestos • Your guide to the elections – when, where and how to vote.

ELECTIONS 2003

Voting on 12th February

Voting in the Union from 9-5pm Humanities Building from 9-5pm Talybont Social Centre from 5 7pm.

gair rhydd 03 02 03

By-Elections â&#x20AC;˘ 14

VOTE

Janine Jones for Mature Students Officer

My Manifesto:

Revive the Mature Students Society Organise efficient communication between you and your Union To listen to you and your concerns Implement forums for feedback, such as email lists

It is my view that Cardiffâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mature students have been without representation for too long. I wish to address matters specific to mature students, such as debt, childcare and the problems of returning to full-time study. I also plan to always be available to listen to your comments and feedback, whether via email, phone or personal contact during my office hours. I believe it is essential to revive the mature students society as both a support organisation and a social group. I am a mature student myself and have a young daughter and I am aware of some of the difficulties that can arise, so it is my hope to generate some discussion within university in an attempt to make life easier for all of us!

Mature Students Matter

or vote for RON running for a democratically fair election RON (unfortunately not Ron Atkinson) is also running for Mature Students Officer.His presence helps ensure that the elections are fair and that the elected officer has been chosen democratically. What RON gives you is the chance to re-open the nominations for the position, so that other people who you think could do a better job can put themselves up for the position. You can vote for RON, but you can also vote for a single position if you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think that any of the candidates are up for job. In the event of a successful RON campaign, a by-election will be held for those positions where a suitable candidate was not found. The presence of RON is even more important now the Union is using the Single Transferable, or ranking, voting system. You now have to rank your candidates in order of preference, so say you only like one candidate, if you put your favourite candidate as 1 and RON as 2 and your candidate amasses the least votes and is eliminated, your vote automatically becomes RON. Having RON there is basically a way of making sure that you can express your distrust in any or all of the candidates and make sure that the winner is the democratic choice.

Voting on the 12th February in the Union, Humanities Building and Talybont Social Centre i

gair rhydd 03 02 03

• 15

gair rhydd 03 02 03

• 16

WEDNESDAYS NOS FERCHER

FRIDAYS NOS WENER

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SEE FLYERS FOR THEMED NIGHTS (TARTS & VICARS, SCHOOL DISCO, ETC) CADWCH LYGAD AM FANYLION NOSWEITHIAU ARBENNIG (DISGO YSGOL, GWYLLIAID A GENETHOD DRWG AC YN Y BLAEN)

£1.20 A PINT ON SELECTED LINES £1.20 AM BEINT AM RAI DIODYDD

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3 Bethan Elfyn wefror 200 h C o d d y 3 Nos Lun ruary 2003 b e F d r 3 y a Mond ol 11pm £1 ar 11pm (NUS), after 11pm Am ddim cyn m (NUS), £1 11p re fo be on si is m Free ad

Features

gair rhydd features section Free Word no.734 gairrhyddfeatures@hotmail.com

03 02 03

What’s lo ve got to do with it? T

o be fair, Valentine's day is a pain in the arse for the majority of people. For singletons, it's another reminder that Mr or Miss Right hasn't appeared on the scene, and even for most couples, it isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. There is heartache if you can't be together or if things are a bit rocky, if he forgets or gets you the wrong thing. And then there’s the sudden realisation that half your student loan will be spent on a few overpriced plants and mini 'luxury' chocolates. Two things happen at this time of year. For starters card, gift and flower companies begin to remind people that it's nearly Valentine's day, so tell them they had better buy something to show their loved one just how much they care. Most of the things marketed are gifts for women – hinting that women can either think up something suitably romantic and original. Or maybe it just reflects that all men really want for Valentine’s is a bit of sex. Single people, meanwhile, get into cynical mode and start going on about how it's really just an excuse for card companies to make a killing; how it’s all a commercialist joke. The main thread of their conversation revolves around how vomit-inducing it is to see lovely-dovey couples snuggly wuggyly and holding hands. Do not under any circumstances attempt to ‘delicately’ remark that they could be a tinsy winsy bit jealous. In such cases, Mr or Miss Cynical Single Person (CSP) then gets

Just because it’s

Valentine’s... Mine’s a G&T / MALIBU&COKE / LAGER* DOES / DOESN’T* mean I want a shag DOES / DOESN’T* mean I’m desperate DOES / DOESN'T* mean i’ll dance like a twat I’m a SLAPPER / CLASSY / DRUNK* BIRD / BLOKE*

really depressed and doesn't stop being suicidal until February 15th. At the risk of sounding like a CSP, there is an awful lot to be said for the ‘big commercialist venture’ argument. The day is completely hyped up by Hallmark and all the other card distributors along with ‘Grandfather's Day’ and ‘Great Auntie Susie day’ and ‘Divorced and Embittered Cousin's Week’. Why should you show love for your partner on just one day of the year? On the other hand, we do live in a fast-paced world where people are spending less and less time with people they care about. There are always essays, assignments, meetings, deadlines and hefty drinking schedules to fit your other half around. So what's wrong with taking a little time out to show you truly care, not just to your partner, but towards your parents, bratty sister or even your housemate who alwayswithout-fail cleans the toilet? It can be truly gutting to see people in love when you’re by yourself, but maybe it's not yet time to break out the bitter chocolate, eviscerated teddy bears and beheaded flowers. At the risk of sounding like a soppy old muppet, you could just make sure people you care about are ok; have a girlie night in, a snuggly candlelit dinner, or a forget-Rachel-she-was-a-slutanyway drinking sesh. Just have fun and enjoy it as another excuse to have a wicked night, doing whatever floats your boat. Because, at the end of the day, when the world is on the brink of war and we're all getting a little bit older and not a lot wiser, that's what it's all about. Sob. I love you guys I do. Sob.

Fed up with the whole smush and smultz of Valentine’s Day? Don’t hide your ugly mug in a paper bag – get out and ruin the day for those lovey dovey bastards... When coming upon a pair of starry-eyed lovers, cry out in the loudest voice you can “Why haven’t you called? Did our night of passion mean nothing to you? And who is this bint? I thought you said I was the one!” Make sure you wave your arms wildly, be very animated and feel free to come physically between the pair before retreating round the corner to watch the ensuing argument. Put your housemates flowers through the food processor and eat all their chocolate. Ring the restaurant they’ve booked a table at and cancel the table. Pretend your pet rabbit, the only source of comfort in your miserable childhood, has died so that you get all the sympathy. Firebomb every card shop down Queen St. The money grabbing bastards exploiting true love. Thereby cutting amorous twats off at the source. Replace all your girlmates sexy undies with granny pants. And put itching powder in them

Hey lady, let me slay you with my sword of luurve If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head? Do you have any Welsh in you? Want some? This isn't a beer belly, it's a fuel tank for a love machine Okay, let's be fair here. You choose which hole and I choose what to do with it.

Gifts galore When it comes to buying Valentine’s presents, most guys think they know what they’re doing. But, being men, they often get it blatantly wrong. We’re not talking fine art here, just a few suggestions with the more obvious presents so there’ll be lots of sex in the sack rather than tears before bedtime. The gift: Chocolates What you see: A classic (as well as quick and easy) token of your affection What she sees: A serious lack of imagination, 3000 calories, 100g of fat and thirty hours of Jade Goody’s dancercise video. Rating: * – how boring are you? Give it a miss The gift: A romantic dinner for two at an Italian restaurant What you see: £60 plus tip What she sees: Champagne, candlelight, cosy chats...heaven Rating: *** – it’s what the credit card’s for The gift: A home-cooked dinner for two What you see: A dazzling display of your culinary prowess. How do you turn on the oven again? What she sees: Burnt beans on toast Rating: *** – if you make it cosy with candlelight, soppy love songs and get the housemates out of the way The gift: Sexy red or black underwear (whip and bondage optional) What you see: A gift that just keeps on giving. For both of you What she sees: A night of fun ahead. You kinky bastard Rating: **** – if you get the size right The gift: A tape / CD of music you know she’d love What you see: In true Nick Hornby tradition, it says I love you What she sees: How sweet. Where’s the jewellry? Rating: ** – put songs on it you can ‘make your own music’ to The gift: A dozen red roses What you see: An unoriginal gift that she’ll love What she sees: An unoriginal gift that she loves Rating: **** – combine with other gifts for the ultimate present

eaturesFeaturesFeature features meeting, mondays @1.15pm

gair rhydd 03 02 03

Focus• 18

David Manning considers the often unaddressed trials and tribulations of postgraduate study and life, and thinks of ways to make things better.

gairrhydd 2002-2003

Was brought to you by... Editor Gemma Curtis Deputy Editor Tristan Thomas GRiP Editors Rob Jackson & Nick McDonald News Mark Cobley, Dominic O’Neill & Rhiannon Davies Sport David Williams, & Riath AlSamarrai, Daniel Evans Features Ed Holmes, Abbi Shaw & Daniel Barnes Books Jane Eyre Arts LaDonna Hall & Mat Croft Music Gemma Jones & Andy Parsons Film Neil Blain Games Chris Pietryka Get There Neil Krajewski Comment Dave Gates Television Steve Hurst, Amy Butterworth, Alex Macpherson Letters & Crossword Jamie Fullerton Big Win Circus Matt Harvey Contributors Edward Walker, John Collingridge, Judith Clay, Simon Baylis, Anna Hodgekiss, Peter Bramwell, Charlotte Spratt, Laura Welsh, Gwenno Dafydd, Tom Brown, John Tuscany, Billy Lee, Chris Martin, Richard Samuels, Anthony Lloyd, James Preselo, Owain Cooke, Andrew Davidson, Jon Griffiths, Steph Fuller, Ben Hammond, Ian Johnson, John Widdop, Dave Gibson, Sebastian Swift, Luke Grahame, Charlie Jeynes, Alex Ali, David Manning, Emma Bebington, Stephen Jacksom, A.J Silvers Other Legends Charlotte Spratt, Andrew Davidson, Rob Jackson. Let me take this opportunity to start plugging our night of high jinx, that we are co-hosting with Xpress at the Barfly on February 5th. Free And Easy is an open deck night, for anyone who fancies impressing the crowds with their DJing skills, or merely their quality music tastes. It is free to get in and will be absolutely corking. You’d be a damn fool to miss out!

Contact us Address gair rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434 Advertising – 0845 1300667 E-mail ssugr1@cf.ac.uk Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

The Postgrad Island

t would be wrong to say that my arrival at Cardiff University to study for a postgraduate research degree was met with a fanfare. Following my interview with the music department, I was somewhat puzzled to receive a letter from the registry congratulating me on being awarded a studentship in physics and astronomy! I finally arrived (to study music) eager to get underway with some vague idea of the area I wanted to study but not sure what to say about it. I’m now in my third year and all that seems a long time ago, but it is a very bizarre experience discovering which things about doing a PhD are the hardest. Before I started, I was worried about how I would manage to write 70,000 words. But as I got down to it I found that staying motivated to do the work can be the most difficult thing. I wondered whether this was just me to start with. But in my academic department (and as the Union’s Postgraduate Officer I have met many postgrads), I now know that everyone has good and bad patches with their work, whatever type of postgraduate study they are doing. It is clear that everyone feels some sense of distance or isolation during their postgraduate experience. Of course this can be experienced in lots of other walks of life. Yet there seems to be something inherent about the extended PhD research project that causes many who pursue this to feel isolated sometimes. This can be literal isolation - many research projects do not involve much contact with other

people, and often there are very few postgraduates in one academic department. Sometimes it is possible to feel isolated even though you are surrounded by other people. But whatever the problems, there are loads of things that are brilliant about postgraduate study. You have a lot of independence in your work and usually quite a free hand in choosing what direction it goes in. But there are some points in time where freedom seems bewildering and onerous, expressing any kind of enthusiasm for your area of study is apparently confined to a distant past, and anything else (even post-Richard-and-Judy This Morning) seems more interesting than reading yet another article on this thing you’re supposed to care

for any postgraduate research student to join. They meet once a fortnight in the Graduate Centre on a Tuesday afternoon and quite simply provide an opportunity for postgraduates from across the university to come together and have a chat. A professional facilitator convenes the sessions, but having attended a number of these sessions I can say the format is definitely informal. You don’t need to have a “problem” to come and discussions range widely - what comes up in your group depends on who is there. The groups are small in size, and new ones are set up as more people register. To join, phone the Graduate Centre on 029 20874606 or you can sign up online: follow the link from

It is clear that everyone feels some sense of distance or isolation during their postgraduate experience...there seems to be something inherent about the extended PhD research project that causes many who pursue this to feel isolated. about so much. It is all too easy to assign any negative feeling to some kind of personal, unique inadequacy. But if so many people doing different research projects in different departments are having very similar reactions, this suggests to me that being hyper-self critical is unfair and doesn’t solve the problem. One thing that does make a difference is talking to other people who are in the same situation, and often it is easier to do this with people outside your own academic department. With this in mind, postgraduate discussion groups have recently been established which are available

www.cardiff.ac.uk/graduate/centre. If you have a specific academic problem, the union’s Academic Affairs Officer may be able to help. She is Minelle Gholami and you can contact her at GholamiM1@cf.ac.uk or on 029 20781423. It is easy to be critical of the university’s provisions, largely because so much needs to be improved, and I spend a lot of time doing this as Postgraduate Officer. There’s a long way to go, but in the meantime the postgraduate discussion groups are easily at hand, and in my own experience they do make a real difference.

gair rhydd 03 02 03

Features• 20

Gun crime: who should take the rap?

With guns becoming more and more prevalent in gang and youth culture, and the resulting death toll rising almost daily, Alex Ali considers the political and social responses provoked by the New Year shootings in Birmingham

.I.P Latisha Shakespear, 17 and Charlene Ellis, 18, who were shot dead at a party on New Year’s Day in Ashton, Birmingham. The two girls and 30 black youngsters from across the Midlands had gathered at a Jamaican hairdressing salon, to celebrate the arrival of 2003. That scene was no different to many others on New Years Day across the country, disregarding race, religion or community. It was the beginning of a ‘new’ year, an opportunity to take stock and gain perspective on the hopes for the immediate future. Yet increasingly among Afro-Caribbean and Asian communities, there has been an alarming rise in gun crime to the point where it has been coined a ‘gun culture’. The response to these murders in local communities has been one of unity, illustrated clearly by the attendance of 8,000 people from all walks of the local community at ‘The Villa Park Tribute’, held on Sunday 19th January, fronted by Ms Dynamite, Beverley Knight and Pato Banton. Rev Mike Wilson, Chairman of the Caribbean Evangelical Alliance, said: ‘the gun culture is getting out of control in our city and it’s time for the community to come together and stop it. It’s not just for the police to do something, it’s up to the whole community. The church has a role to play to halt the breakdown of society- we are the moral guardians.’ There is a feeling of disillusionmnent among young Black men; that there is no opportunity for them amongst today’s society; that the only avenues open to them are sports, music or crime and this was echoed by Ms Dynamite. The churches’ willingness to dissolve this hopelessness will be essential in reversing the fate of so many young black people. Novelette Aldred, wife of Pentecostal Bishop Joe Aldred, Vice-Chairman Of Black Majority Churches said, “I’m here to demonstrate my own support for whatever comes out of today as a way forward”.

A way forward is what is desperately needed. Government’s reaction to the current situation as regards gun possession and guntoting has been immediate, though perhaps ineffective, particularly in light of the Dunblane massacre of 1996, after which, the possession of handguns was banned. This has not stopped the rise in gun crime: in 1997 there were 4,904 offences involving firearms; last year there were 7,632. David Blunkett responded to police chiefs’ calls for tougher laws to combat an increase in urban gun crime, similar to that experienced in America. However, this will lead to an added burden on already overcrowded jails in Britain. The Home Secretary will table amendments to the Criminal Justice Bill, or bring in a short, stand- alone Bill, that will stop courts imposing community service or short sentences for the possession of firearms or ‘gun-toting’ in public places, for which there is no minimum sentence. Currently, around 400 offenders a year are convicted of possession of a firearm and usually spend little more than a year in jail. There have been calls for a standard 5 year sentence for possession of a firearm. The Home Secretary believes higher sentences will help police forces that have launched special initiatives to tackle gun crime, including the growth of ‘Black on Black’ shootings. These include Operation Trident in London, Operation Ventara in the West Midlands where these murders occurred, Operations Starlite and Goodwood in Greater Manchester, and Operations Stirrup and Safeguard in West Yorkshire. The number of firearms related incidents have risen by almost 50 percent. Much of the violence is directly linked to the increasing drugs trade and in response, The Metropolitan Police is increasing its number of armed officers by 40. A gun amnesty is also planned for later this year, in which people who illegally hold guns would be allowed to dump them at police stations or in protective bins without fear of prosecution.

All of these new proposals sound effective and are. Yet they do not deal with any of the social issues that many young Black people feel they experience. There is a massive mistrust of the police in the Black community, heightened by the Stephen Lawrence murder and subsequent trial. The general public’s perceptions and expectations of Black communities is heavily stereotyped and clearly flawed; worse still, they are mirrored in the communities themselves. At The Villa Park Tribute, Ms Dynamite said, “I would love to see change in the way we are seen and how we treat each other. That is going to take miracles but we need those miracles”. Ms Dynamite was also keen to emphasise that hip-hop and ‘gangsta rap music’ is not solely responsible for gun culture. At most they make the social injustices of people widely available to a multi-cultural market, who knowingly consume and purchase the content of these types of music. The scenes described in this music are actually happening, perhaps embellished to guarantee platinum sales and now formulated due to producers like Dr.Dre and Jay-Z. Listen to the early years of gangsta rap though and you can hear a frustration at society that is no different to the kind expressed by The Clash. Moorish Delta 7, a hip-hop act straight outta Birmingham, (beg you excuse the pun) have been releasing tracks, describing vividly the feelings of many young Black men. Their debut album The Power and The Glory is dark, influenced by the early works of 2PAC Shakur, on tracks such as Rollin On, and is Wu-Tangesque on Wisdom, which features the legend of UK hip-hop that is Rodney P on Rowdy. Fronted by Malik, Jawar and Cipher on production, the whole mood of ‘gun culture,’ and its associated social ills, are clearly commented on in Silent Screams: “Yo, listen to this, my empty fridge, food missin’ an’ shit Coca-Cola, 99 pence chicken and chips, is my diet, Suffer in silence, rather quiet, Right now I’m game to start a riot, robbin’ off licences, Start violence, The way I’m forced to live is enough to justify it”. Gun culture at the moment is about the status symbol that gun ownership provides amongst peers, the belief that gun ownership is a better way for many young Black people to protect themselves, rather than trusting the police, and a complete disenchantment with current government and the policies and the opportunities they provide for young Black people. Many feel that they do not have an equal opportunity, that history and discrimination, past and present, require them to fight for everything they have. Therefore it is essential that Afro-Caribbean communities come together, promote themselves in a positive light, educate their youth and overcome these stereotypes that simultaneously hinder them and allow them to continue in a terrible and vicious circle of crime and particularly drug & gun related crime and ‘Black on Black’ crime. It’s going to be difficult for these communities to overcome these problems, they are the victims and the perpetrators, the innocent and the guilty, the weak and the strong. The point is to believe that something positive, hopeful and realistic can be done. Government’s new legislation to combat gun crime can come into immediate effect, silencing the immediate cry and backlash, but the reversal of societies expectations and prejudices will take much longer to change. These two girls won’t be the last victims of gun culture, I’m certain of that. Our thoughts are with their families.

Comment & Analysis

3 February 2003

Page 21

Kelly eyes glory after tough year gr top 5 Interview by David Williams Sports Editor

better than me on the day.” Even though she was unable to repeat the feats of four years ago in Kuala Lumpur, Morgan feels that it shows just how much the level of badminton in countries across the world have improved, “All the tournaments are really strong now. I don’t

think any country is weak. From the first round in every tournament it’s always difficult. There’s not much of a gap from the top players. Everyone is closing in, which is good.” The 27 year-old from Llantrisant is still able to look back on her success at the last Commonwealth

he past year has been one of the busiest, if not disappointing, for Welsh badminton star Kelly Morgan. The 1998 Commonwealth gold medallist, who was also awarded the MBE this year, had had her hopes pinned on defending her title in Manchester, but those hopes were dashed after losing in the quarterfinals. Kelly however, is honest about the way she performed in that match; “I didn’t play particularly well that day. I played the girl the week before in a team event and beat her then. She had nothing to lose and I was a little bit nervous, but she played Kelly Morgan, hoping for success after Manchester woe

Games with fondness. Her gold medal in Malaysia brings back happy memories, “The atmosphere was amazing out there. Badminton is such a big sport in Malaysia, probably the best place to win the Commonwealth Games.” After the disappointment of Manchester, Kelly and the rest of the British squad have the World Championships in Birmingham to prepare for in the hope that British badminton can pick itself up after a relatively poor medal tally at the Commonwealths, “Everything was geared toward the Commonwealths last year. We’ve got the World Championships this year. The team event and the individual are separate so they’re the big things this year.” However, as most people

know, a career in sport doesn’t always set you up for life. But as part of the Sports Council for Wales funding scheme in Cardiff, Kelly has set her sights for the future and is currently in the middle of a PE and Sport degree course at UWIC, showing that she already has her mind set on the future; “You can’t train all the hours of the day and I wanted to go to University when I was younger. When I finish playing I’ll have something to fall back on because badminton doesn’t set you up for life.” As Wales’ top f emale sports star, Kelly Morgan is showing that hard work off the badminton court as well as on it is what is needed to get to the top.

Serena Slams Regal Hendry claims Welsh snooker’s crown herself into the record books Daniel Evans Sports Columnist

HE Regal Welsh Open in Cardiff ended in disappointment for patriotic locals. 2000 World Champion Mark Williams, who hails from Cwm, was defeated 9-5 by his adversary Stephen Hendry in a high quality final. Playing with confidence after winning the coveted UK Championship in December, Williams cruised into the final. After the ease at which he despatched Benson & Hedges Masters Champion Paul Hunter in the semi-final, it had looked as though the title would return to Wales. But a rejuvenated Hendry, whose break building was reminiscent of the form of his seven World titles, was a different proposition altogether. The Scot stamped his authority in the first session with breaks of 127, 104 and 140, and hit yet another century after the interval to lead 6-2. Williams though, reacted in typically gutsy fashion. The laid-back left hander has become famous for comebacks against top players, and his excellent record over Hendry looked like it would continue when

the deficit was reduced to 7-5. However, such was Hendry’s fluency amongst the balls that he closed out the match with breaks of 79 and 91. Williams was not too disheartened, appreciating that he had been beaten by some excellent snooker. “I was never in it. Stephen played fantastic snooker all through the match and yet I was only a couple of shots from making it 6-6,” he said. “There can’t be many finals in which Stephen has played better than that, it was frightening.” Hendry was delighted to win his 34th ranking title, ending a barren spell of more than a year;

“My form has been brilliant in practice but that doesn’t mean you’ll play like that in a tournament. From the semifinals I felt comfortable,” he said. “Mark is a great player and it’s nice to play well against him.” The title may not have been won by a Welshman, but credit for producing such a high quality final must be given to Welsh snooker legend Terry Griffiths, who has been coaching both players. After slumps in form, the 1979 World Champion has successfully ironed out glitches in the games of Hendry and Williams, to elevate them back to the top of the world game.

Hendry completes hat-trick of Regal Welsh titles

Report by Daniel Evans

he first Grand Slam event of the year created the unique convergence of four decades of tennis. Whilst the Williams sisters were battling each other for the fourth major final in succession, 32 year-old Andre Agassi picked up the men’s title and legend Martina Navratilova showed that age was no barrier as she won the mixed doubles. Women’s world number one Serena Williams continued an amazing run by winning her fourth Grand Slam title in a row, with a 7-6, 3-6, 6-4 victory over older sister Venus. The 21 year-old American now holds all of the major singles titles in women’s tennis. The Williams sisters’ total domination of the sport was highlighted further when the siblings added the doubles crown to their fast growing collection of trophies. However, Serena was unable to establish her typical dominance on the field and faced her first real scare in over a year of Grand Slam competitions. Facing Belgian Kim Clijsters in the semi-final, Williams found herself 5-1 down in the deciding set and suffering with blisters. Through nerves

on Clijsters’ part, coupled with vicious ground strokes from the American, Serena clawed her way back to take the set 75 and book her place in another all-Williams final. It seemed apt that Navratilova, picking up the eighteenth grand slam title of her career and the original hard hitter of women’s tennis, should be first to heap praise on Serena’s achievements at such a young age; “Four in a row is amazing, no matter what sequence they come in. She’s one of only five women to have done it so that’s fantastic,” she said. In the men’s draw crowd favourite Andre Agassi lifted his fourth Australian Open title to rapturous applause with a 6-2, 6-2, 6-1 demolition of German Rainer Schuttler. It was a very popular win despite the brevity of a final that lasted only 76 minutes. In his first major final, Schuttler was understandably nervous but even at his best he would have been outclassed. At 32 years old, a senior in the men’s game, Agassi is in great physical condition. His trademark accuracy from the baseline and venomous return of serve swept aside Schuttler, and the rest of the field as he breezed through the draw. He was hardly pushed in

Sporting Films Disagree with Riath’s choices? Email grsport@hotmail.com 1

Wild Cats

This film features Goldie Hawn. If you need to know more then you are obviously gay. That said, nowadays she does look like a heroin addict. Great stuff. 2

Mighty Ducks

Karate Kid I

Happy Gilmore

Following from Young Guns, Emilio Estevez suffers a huge fall from grace, going from gun slinging western star, to hanging around with small children. Sicko.

Not wanting to dwell on the theme of men hanging around with small boys, there is nothing natural about the friendship shared between Daniel Laruso and little China-man Mr Miyagi, and there is even a scene when the old man rubs poor Daniel’s leg-it’s almost gay porn. Mmm Daniel-san. One of the best films ever made, and it even involves Carl Weathers, better known as Rocky’s Appollo Creed, playing the one-handed golf coach. It also features the actor only recognised as Jaws in the James Bond films. 5

Teen Wolf

This film is based around the concept of a very hairy boy playing basketball. Michael J Fox playing the role of a werewolf, it’s simple. Melbourne, indicating that he still has the game to increase his tally of eight grand slam titles. But, in typically enigmatic fashion Agassi said: “This year is a complete success to me now and we’re only three weeks into it. That’s a great feeling.”

Unstoppable Serena

University Sport

Page 22

BUSA

ROUND-UP

Results

Wednesday January 29

Men’s Badminton 1sts

7-1

Gloucester

Men’s Badminton 2nds

8-1

Swansea

Men’s Fencing 1sts

W/O

Glamorgan

Men’s Football 3rds

3-0

Swansea

Men’s Football 4ths

2-3

Glamorgan

Men’s Hockey 1sts

2-1

Southampton

Men’s Hockey 3rds

1-1

Bristol

Men’s Hockey 4ths

4-2

RAC 2

Women’s Hockey 1sts

2-2

Glamorgan

Women’s Hockey 3rds

2-3

UWE

Lacrosse 1sts

W/O

RAC

Netball 3rds

49 - 26

Newport

Men’s Rugby Union 1sts

19 - 35

Hereford

Men’s Rugby Union 3rds

L-L

Women’s Rugby U 1sts

W/0

Exeter

Men’s Squash 1sts

5-0

Southampton

Men’s Squash 2nds

0-5

Glamorgan

Men’s Tennis 1sts

0-6

Bournmouth

Women’s Tennis 1sts

6-0

Swansea

Women’s Volleyball 1sts

3-2

Gloucester

Top sides survive FA fourth round Gwenno Dafydd reporting

Thirds fly as fourths falter

Gloucester

Everybody Go Surfin’ Katherine O’Mara reporting “In there like swimwear” is a phrase often heard as Cardiff Surf Club brave the waves of Porthcawl. The club is over 20 years old and although the glory days of being BUSA champions seem a distant memory, there exists within the club a friendly spirit that makes it a very worthwhile sport to take up. The Enthusiastic committee, recruited over 150 members at the Freshers Fayre in September, and since then Cardiff Surf Club has gone from strength to strength. Every Wednesday and occasional Sundays, members travel to Porthcawl to ‘catch some waves’, with all levels of ability being catered for. The club provides all equipment including wetsuits, boots and most importantly boards. This year has seen a huge influx of beginners: “We are really happy that we have managed to get so many beginners in to the water and see them catch the bug for surfing,” said the committee. Not only do the Surfers enjoy themselves on the

February 3rd 2003

water, but on dry land as well. The club merges with the Ski Club for legendary social nights, creating a combined membership of over 300 people. The last event saw over 100 people enjoying a meal, and previous events include themed pub-crawls and nights at Come Play who generously sponsor the surf club. On February 27 the surf club will descend upon Newquay to watch their team’s progress in the BUSA Championships. Tickets cost £50, which includes three nights accommodation, 6 meals, transport and equipment hire. This year has also seen the surf club branch into designing their own clothes along with City Surf. As a special bonus, hooded sweatshirts are available for £25 and they can be obtained by signing up on the Surf Club board on the third floor of the student’s union. If you are interested in supporting in Newquay, or joining the club then contact Ed or Tom, cardiffsurf@hotmail.com

John Tuscany reports Glamorgan III 2 - 5 AFC III Two excellent displays in the space of three days have propelled AFC III towards promotion and the league title. Last Monday night a team deprived of captain Henry Jewell and other key players travelled to top of the table Glamorgan at a windswept Treforest. A lacklustre start saw Glamorgan take an early lead, with a low drive just evading the excellent Tristan Broomfield in the Cardiff goal. This setback kick-started Cardiff who began to dominate exchanges playing some excellent passing football in the process. They deservedly drew level through a Tom Morgan penalty after Mike Rabjohns was dubiously upended in the box, and went into the break 2-1 to the good after a thumping Andy Roper header following an Ali Bennetto corner. However, Cardiff started the second half slowly, and conceded another early goal. After this, Cardiff where never in trouble, with the excellent John Forbes marshalling a solid defence. Endeavour from Benetto led to the third

goal from Tom Davies, who then added his second in a well-worked move for the fourth. Substitute Mark Simic ended the Glamorgan resistance, slotting the ball home for the fifth. AFC III 3 - 0 Swansea Inst. Injuries kept out Rabjohns and Forbes from Wednesday’s tussle with Swansea Institute. A strong wind ruined any chance of a footballing spectacle, along with Institutes spoiling tactics clearly looking for just a point. A scrappy first half included missed chances by Davies, and Bennetto, clearly suffering from Monday’s excursions and complaining of poor circulation around the groin. The game changed drastically after half time, and with the breeze acting in Cardiff’s favour, Matt Kay claimed his first University Goal, smashing home from eight yards. Another clinical Tom Davies strike, and a sublime finish from David McCann sealed the three points for Cardiff. Two wins from their remaining fixtures should see Cardiff top a highly competitive league, and earn just rewards for a fine season.

AFC IV GLAMORGAN III

2-3

After going down to the III’s two days previously, Glamorgan travelled to Llanrumney and defeated a gallant AFC IV. Hector Marcos in the Cardiff goal was outstanding in keeping the score line down, as the fragile defence of Rhys Jones and Jamie Parkinson was constantly exposed by the Glamorgan attack. Si Lewis had put Cardiff one up after good work from Matt Leighton, but this advantage was soon wiped out, as Cardiff soon found themselves 2-1 down. The largely ineffective Si Green levelled matters before Glamorgan went ahead, Parkinson being nutmegged before a cool Glamorgan finish. Not even the replacement of the petulant Nick Johnson could retrieve the deficit, and a late hack by captain Jamie Porter summed up what was to prove a frustrating day for the IV’s.

Cardiff III carry on up table

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The fourth round of the FA Cup had the potential of being a difficult occasion for the top Premiership sides left in the competition. After switching their tie to Highbury, Conference side Farnborough travelled to face Arsenal having enjoyed the high life with four days of training in the La Manga training resort in Spain. The defending champions from North London rested several of their top names but still emerged 5-1 winners, with goals from Campbell, Bergkamp, Lauren, and two for Jeffers. Farnborough’s only consolation was a goal scored by the Stallone-DreamTeam amalgam, Rocky Baptiste. Chelsea faced Shrewsbury Town, who having seen off Everton in the previous round, were hoping to add another Premiership scalp to their name. The Division Three side, who are managed by former Welsh international Kevin Ratcliffe, were hoping to continue their giant-killing streak, but it wasn’t to be. Gianfranco Zola reminded everyone of his world-class calibre with two goals, one of which a clever chip over goalkeeper Dunbavin’s head. A goal each for Carlton Cole and Jody Morris, the latter being a sublime left-footed curler, made the final score 40. At Old Trafford, Manchester United put six past Premiership strugglers West Ham with Ryan Giggs scoring twice to silence his critics. There were also two goals for Van Nistelrooy, and one each for Phil Neville and Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. There was a glut of late goals throughout the draw, each being crucial in the outcome of the result. Norwich and Sheffield United sneaked past Dagenham and Redbridge and Ipswich respectively whilst Southampton and Blackburn salvaged replays through Kevin Davies and Dwight Yorke strikes. Wins for Rochdale and Wolves were the other highlights of a fourth round lacking in major upsets. Leeds and Liverpool struggled against first division opposition and must rely on replays to see them through. Manchester United against Arsenal will be the pick of the next round with the Champions travelling to Old Trafford. The tie will revive memories of 1999’s dramatic semi-final, when Bergkamp missed a penalty; though how Ryan Giggs would value a repeat of his wonder goal.

Inter Mural Games

Page 23

Momed back with a bang in IMG return

Football

Netball

February 3 2003

Wide open season tests nerves to limit

IMG kicked off again with a fascinating start to the new year. The first week of the second phase brought high drama and a few very surprising results. FC Real went into their first game with the only 100% record in this season’s competition and were regarded as favourites for the title by many. However, they were ripped apart by a hugely impressive Law A team who were eager to improve on last season’s disappointing Premiership showing. Striker Marc Carhill showed why he was an automatic choice for the Barbarians team by bagging a brace to put his team in total control. While this was going on Momed turned their unconvincing pre Christmas form around with a stylish victory over Carbs A showing that they aren’t in the top flight purely to make up the numbers. Accountancy and Torpedo Engin’s game pitched the IMG’s best attack against the best defence. Unfortunately for the neutral, defence won the day and a goalless stalemate was the result. This year’s surprise package, Ecosoc, continued their fine form with a draw against a Jomec team who have been very hit and miss recently. If the journalists are to win the crown for a third straight year, they must start to find some consistency soon. New boys Uni Hallstars provided one of the biggest shocks of the season as they narrowly beat Economics in Division 1. Economics had only missed out on the Premiership on goal difference and were highly fancied to take the First Division title, yet Hallstars overcame the adversities of missing their regular 'keeper and going a goal behind to record a great victory. RPR continued their recent unbeaten run with a comfortable victory over Auxilliary Engin. Once they had taken the lead in the second minute the victory never looked in doubt. In the other games History drew with Planathinaikos while Carbs B shared the spoils with Woka Juniors. Fallen giants Chemsoc started their attempt to salvage something from a disastrous season with a thumping win over Law B. The lawyers clearly felt the wrath of a team without a win in their previous three games. A similar fate befell Myg Myg as they took on Mathletico Madrid. A

I MG

FOOTBALL

Results

January 29 2003

Accountancy

0-0

Torpedo Engin

Jomec

1-1

Ecosoc

Momed

4-1

Carbs A

FC Real

0-3

Law A

Carbs B

1-1

Woka Juniors

Auxilliary Engin

0-4

RPR

Economics

1-2

Uni Hallstars

Planathanaikos

2-2

History

Chemsoc

8-1

Law B

M. Madrid

8-1

Myg Myg

Planderlecht

7-0

Cathays FC

Psycho Athletico

1-3

Gym Gym

CU FC

0-2

Bute Park Utd

Earth Soc

3-3

A. Stanley

Pharmacy

3-0

Sawsa FC

W. Wanderers

0-2

Irish while Bute Park and Irishbeat CU FC and Wyvern Wanderers by a two goal margin. Special mention must go Earth Soc who struggled to get a team out but still managed a draw against an Accountington Stanley team who could count themselves unlucky to be in the bottom division.

better day for Gym Gym than their reserve team, however, who saw off a Psycho Athletico fairly comfortably. The day of big wins in Division 2 was completed with Planderlecht’s thumping 7-0 victory over Cathays. Division 3 saw Pharmacy efficiently seeing off Sawsa

I MG

FOOTBALL

Fixtures

February 5 2003

Accountancy

FC Real

Jomec

Carbs A

Torpedo

Ecosoc

Momed

Law AA

Carbs B

Auxillery Engin

Economics

Planathinaikos

Uni Hall Stars

Woka Juniors

History

RPR

Chemsoc

Cathays FC

Gym Gym

M. Madrid

Planderlecht

Psycho Ath

Law B

Myg Myg

A. Stanley

Irish

Bute Park

Sawsa

Christian Union

Pharmacy

Earth Soc

W. Wanderers

season by default after a Medics no show gifted them a walkover. Not how they would have wanted to do it but three points is three points.

organised defence, shutting out Chemy to record a comfortable win. The university B side were surprised by Comsoc who turned them over to register their most impressive win of the season. Cplan had cause to celebrate by coming up with their first ever win over the hapless Socsi. The law postgrads, LPC, played well to beat a very handy Sawsa team by a substantial margin. In the final game, Gym Gym were handed their first win of the

Billy Lee for GR Sport Billy Lee for GR Sport

THE PUSH for honours began in earnest with every team eager for a good start to this critical stage of the season. Disaster struck the highly fancied Economics even before the first whistle with the news that inspirational team captain and last years IMG Player of the Year, Kelly Osment, was out for the season with a shoulder injury. The news seemed to have an adverse effect on her team who slipped to their first defeat of the season against the increasingly impressive Pharmacy who, in turn, maintained their 100% record for the season. They are now the only team to boast such a record after Psychology were beaten by a Carbs A team eager to go one better than last year and win the title. CU A were not overly impressive in their victory over a spirited Law A but came through their first game unscathed and showed their intent to win the trophy once again. Division 1 saw very impressive performances from both the Carbs and the Law second strings. Carbs B dispatched Phist while Law B displayed a very well

I MG

Starting February 19th www.bbc.co.uk/Wales and click on Scrum V

Netball

Results

January 29 2003

Cardiff Uni A

15-10

Economics

6-10

Pharmacy

Psychology

7-14

Carbs A

Chemy/Biosci

0-10

Law B

Comsoc

9-2

Cardiff Uni B

Phist

6-15

Carbs B

CPlan

10-5

Socsi

Gym Gym

15-0

Medics

LPC

14-5

Sawsa

Netball

Fixtures

VARSITY DEBATE

5 February 2003

PREMIERSHIP Carbs A

Economics

Cardiff Uni A

Pharmacy

Law A

Psychology

Carbs B

Chem /Bio

Cardiff Uni B

Law B

Comsoc

PHist

DIVISION 2

Gym Gym

CPlan

Cardiff Uni B

Law

Comsoc

PHist

DIVISION 1

Law A

Taking place in this year’s Varsity Shield is the eagerly awaited football match between an IMG Barbarians team, comprised of the IMG’s finest, facing the very tough opposition of Swansea III side at Llanrumney. Swansea will boast a strong squad, whilst the Barbarians will look to key men, amongst them goalkeeper Matt Greenhill, whose presence between the posts will provide reassurance for the rest of the side, and Josh Minagawa, formerly of the Uni first string, whose pace and close ball control from central midfield will be a vital weapon. The game promises to be too good to miss.

“. . . the old man rubs Daniel’s leg, it’s almost gay porn,” GR Sport relive the top 5 classic sporting films. p.21

gair rhydd

Kelly Morgan

IMG and BUSA ALL the Results from our legion of sporting stars in waiting. Pages 22 and 23

The Welsh badminton star talks to GR Sport

Sport

3rd February 2003 - Issue 734

Lennie’s men lose direction Bluebird Watch Riath Al-Samarrai, S. Editor

Cardiff student Tom Brown is making a name for himself in European skiing

PHOTO: WWW.SKITORQUAY.COM

Tom Brown’s Ski Days Alpine Reporter

Matt Bourne

SECOND YEAR Business Administration student Tom Brown recently returned home from the 2003 Anglo-Swiss University Race where he has been representing the British University Ski team. The race, held at the Swiss ski resort of St. Moritz, is run between the British Universities Team (BUSC) and the Swiss Academic Ski Club (SAS), consists of two disciplines: the Super G where skiers

reach over 60mph followed by the technical event known as the Slalom. Every racer performs two runs in each event with the times of the best four members in each discipline counting to the total time of the team that would decide the overall winner. In the Super G, Tom had the second quickest time on the first run but put down an outstanding second run to take overall

victory in the speed event, whilst taking fourth place in the slalom. In the overall individual results Tom was the fastest British Team member finishing a close second behind the Swiss Team captain, a former World Cup skier. The Swiss Team went on to retain the Anglo-Swiss Cup for the 44 th time by a narrow margin of just three seconds. Tom has achieved many impressive results in his skiing career including multiple English and British titles in all

the alpine disciplines. In 2001 he topped his career by becoming the European Artificial Ski Slope Champion. Tom is very thankful for the second year of kind support offered to him by the Sports Bursary that is headed by Trish Ball, the Sports Development Coordinator and the Athletic Union Team led by the President Polly Hills. “Due to their help I have been able to enjoy continue competing as race captain of the Cardiff Uni Ski and Snowboarding

Team as well as helping make a bigger and better Surf Club.”

Brown in action

CARDIFF CITY’S recent miserable run of form continued at the McAlpine Stadium last weekend, where they suffered the double disappointment of going down to a late Andy Booth header and slipping down to fourth in the Division Two table. Former Sheffield Wednesday striker Booth popped up on 80 minutes to powerfully head home Kenny Irons’ free kick to gift Huddersfield Town all three points, and condemn City to their fourth defeat in their last ten league outings. Huddersfield, rooted firmly at the bottom of the table performed well above their status, and through endeavour and determination were rarely threatened by the promotion chasing Bluebirds. Cardiff, looking lacklustre and lethargic at the back in a reshuffled team, struggled to retain possession and at times were found guilty of sloppy play and equally poor marking, a point painfully realised by keeper Neil Alexander through the constant bombardment of opportunities on his goal by unchallenged opposition. Even prolific goal scorer Rob Earnshaw could not address the balance at the other end of the field, wasting several opportunities that normally would be a formality for the welsh international. Racing on to a Peter Thorne flick on, Earnshaw set his eye on Scott Bevan’s goal but his sights were out, and his attempted lob summed up the visitors performance through its ineffectiveness. Scant consolation will be taken by Cardiff’s travelling army of fans from Wigan’s inability to stretch their lead at the head of the table, instead slipping up away to Swindon Town. City have the squad and personnel to live out their dreams of Division One football, and despite a few disgruntled moans from select quarters of the ground following this set back, Cardiff are still in a very commanding position to carry on their meteoric rise in the Sam Hamman era. Whether Lennie Lawrence will still remain at the helm will depend on the next few matches. A stormy February could rock the city boat, and they could easily fail to make it to the relatively calm passage of the nationwide play-offs

GAIR RHYDD IS PUBLISHED BY UNIVERSITY UNION CARDIFF, PARK PLACE, CARDIFF CF10 3QN ■ TEL: (029) 2078 1400 EXT. 434 ■ REGISTERED AS A NEWSPAPER AT THE POST OFFICE ■ PRINTED AT WEST CUNTRY PUBLICATIONS, PLYMOUTH (SCUM) ■ THE GAIR RHYDD RESERVES THE RIGHT TO EDIT ALL CONTRIBUTIONS ■ THE VIEWS EXPRESSED ARE NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF THE PUBLISHERS ■ THE GAIR RHIDD IS WRITTEN, DESIGNED, TYPESET AND OUTPUT BY STUDENTS OF CARDIFF, UNIVERSITY OF WALES ■ TRISTAN ENJOYS BUM LOVE■ IT’S LIKE DAVID BOWIE ON ONIONS ■ THURSDAY NIGHT IS LIKE A WORLD OF SHIT■NEW GIRL IS QUITE FIT

gair rhydd 03 02 03

P r o v i n c i a l

r u g b y

Our time has come

Alex Luff ready to do battle

There it is! Three easy points

â&#x20AC;? Varsity Guide page 9

The sun sets on Hartpury farming college

Pressure from the forwards, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s what they do best Paintings by Allan Storer, for more information see www.rugbyarts.com

Hefin, the new face of Varsity

Varsity Guide page10

gair rhydd 03 02 03

CARDIFF UNIVERSITY STUDENT’S UNION F r i 07 Feb

Idlewild + support · £13.00 adv

Sat 08 Feb

NME Awards 2003 featuring The Datsuns, The Polyphonic Spree Interpol & The Thrills D OUT £12.50 adv (inc. 50p donation to Scope)

Sat 22 Feb Sun 02 Mar Mon 24 Mar Sat 12 Apr

SOL

Turin Brakes + support · £13.50 adv Bowling For Soup + support · £10.00 adv

Please note that this date has been re-scheduled from Wed 19 Feb. All tickets are still valid.

The Bluetones + support · £12.00 adv The Coral + support · £9.50 adv

T U O D L Please note that this date has been re-scheduled from Wed 12 Feb. All SOtickets are still valid.

Thu 17 Apr

Placebo + support · £15.00 adv

Thu 24 Apr

The Mad Caddies + support · £9.00 adv

Sun 04 May

Less Than Jake + support · £10.00 adv

F r i 09 May

Kill II This/Breed 77 + support · £7.00 adv

Mon 12 May

Mogwai + support · £TBA Over 14’s Only. Cardiff University Students Union, Park Place, Cardiff, CF10 3QN. Box Office: 029 2078 1458

Tickets for BARFLY CARDIFF are now available from the SU box office.

18+ SHOWS (Doors 7.00pm) Thu 06 Feb Sun 09 Feb Wed 12 Feb Fri 14 Feb Sat 15 Feb Mon 17 Feb Fri 21 Feb Mon 24 Feb Tue 25 Feb Wed 26 Feb Tue 04 Mar Fri 07 Mar Sat 08 Mar Tue 11 Mar

The Warlocks The Star Spangles Los Pacaminos feat Paul Young Black Car (ex Headswim) The Raveonettes Burning Brides The Rain Band Echoboy Ex Models Longwave Sonic Mook Tour Athlete Corrigan Ooberman

ALL AGE SHOWS (Doors 3pm-7pm) £5.00 adv £6.00 adv £12.00 adv £4.00 adv £6.00 adv £5.00 adv £4.00 adv £5.00 adv £5.00 adv £5.00 adv £4.00 adv £7.00 adv £4.00 adv £7.00 adv

Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun Sun

16 Feb 23 Feb 2 Mar 9 Mar 23 Mar 30 Mar 11 May 1 June 20 July

Kinesis Tuuli Zen Baseball Bat Farse Harry Jet Plane Landing 4ft FIngers MU330 Nerf Herder

£5.00 £5.00 £4.00 £5.00 £4.00 £5.00 £5.00 £6.00 £7.00

adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv adv

On Sale Soon - Cooper Temple Clause, The Levellers, V2003 All tickets subject to booking fee.

gair rhydd 03 02 03

T h e

P r o f e s s i o n a l s

Varsity Guide page 11

Taking the Mike Hall An irate Welshman who gets angry about rugby? Surely not. Mike Hall fights his corner with the best of them, and today it was the turn of Gwenno Dafydd to tackle his opinions head on. Varsity, provincial restructuring, the WRU? He spills all to gair rhydd. Interview by Gwenno Dafydd

ormer Wales rugby captain Mike Hall attended Cardiff University, and participated in the Varsity match, he revealed to gr sport. He recalls the fierce rivalry surrounding the matches between Cardiff and Swansea University, especially as players from both sides played together for the Welsh Universities combination side. The playerturned-Scrum V pundit is very vocal in his opinions on all aspects of rugby. He called the l e a g u e

structure, which sees the top Welsh teams competing in the Welsh and Celtic leagues, as well as in Europe, "a shambles". When informed that this year's Varsity match is being played in Bridgend, he was bemused. "Why are they doing that?" he asked, arguing that one university should enjoy the benefit of a home venue. Hall believes strongly that the importance of university rugby has diminished since the game turned professional. He said: "The danger is now that you won't get so many good young players going to university because obviously they want to be professional, and go after the money." He even suggested that professionalism could cause the death of university rugby as we know it. The BBC pundit believes strongly in the need for more help to develop Welsh youngsters into the stars of tomorrow, before they are lost to other sports. "My own sons prefer wearing football shirts to rugby shirts," he said. Controversial decisions and proposals to revolutionise the game in Wales are filling the back, and front news pages this season. On the WRU's removal of the Wales A side from the Six Nations, the ex-Wales captain commented: "I think it's short-sighted, no question about that. Young talent will miss out because of it. "Welsh rugby is in such a mess. If we have to cut costs that drastically, then clearly we must be on the brink of melt-down." But the former Cardiff player also fears that the young talent needed for the future may not exist in Welsh domestic rugby at the moment. Sides like Newport are relying heavily on foreign players, a strategy that Hall disagrees with. He suggested: "there should be a limit of two foreigners per team." The biggest change facing Welsh rugby is Kiwi David Moffett's proposed provincial structure, to replace the

current nine premier clubs, which is currently being blocked by fighting between teams. "They've got themselves into this position because they couldn't agree on a way forward, and now they've got an outsider to do it for them," Hall said. "We should've been able to sort it out ourselves but we had to wait until we were almost bankrupt before doing anything about it." He cites inflated egos and lack of leadership as factors in the disorganisation and indecision of the Welsh rugby authority. With various propositions being put forward to improve the national game, Hall made his own suggestions to gr sport. He would prefer four super clubs rather than four provinces, but accepts that Moffett's plan would be a positive step forward. "They are radical, they will upset some people, but he's saving us because of the mess we've got ourselves into. Welsh rugby is on its knees financially." One way of boosting the WRU's coffers, which Hall supports, would be to sell the Millennium Stadium. It is currently burdened by a £60-70 million debt. "I do think that the Millennium Stadium is a financial weight around our necks." However, he suspects that the reason why the WRU have not sold the stadium is because they can't. Hall identifies his career highlight as the international career in which he won the championship under Alan Davies, and in particular scoring a try in a victory over England in Cardiff. Domestically, he won the cup with Cardiff in 1994, and the league in 1995. Nowadays, most will recognise Hall as a pundit, not a player. His transition from pitch to screen was not planned, but the opportunity arose with the 1999 World Cup. Now Hall holds a regularly place on Scrum V with Jonathan Davies and Eddie Butler. "We fight like cat and dog. It's really good fun... Ed's got his views set in tablets of stone!" Commenting on the health of the national game has always been a Welsh pastime - now more than ever, given the current transitional climate. Whatever the outcome, it is reassuring to know that there are still those like Hall who are willing to express their opinions clearly and sensibly.

“They couldn’t agree on a way forward, and now they’ve got an outsider”

“My own sons prefer wearing football shirts to rugby kits”

“The Millennium Stadium is a financial weight around our necks”

Ex-Cardiff player talks dirty... A gair rhydd glimpse into Gareth Jones’ expectations of this year’s game.

by Gwenno Dafydd Which course did you study at university? Marine Geography. Did you play for Cardiff University in the Varsity match? There wasn’t a Varsity match as there is now, but I did play against Swansea University quite often. What was it like playing Swansea?

It was a grudge match. Both universities wanted to establish themselves as the best rugby university, as well as being the best academically. A lot of the players knew each other already from playing internationals, so there was great rivalry. Do you think that university rugby is a good stage for showcasing young rugby talent? No, not really. Not enough attention is

paid to it. But players do tend to lose themselves to student life. They let themselves go, and go out drinking. How important, would you say, was your time playing rugby at university in helping to develop your rugby career? It made it worse with things like drinking! I just wanted to play for the university and have a good time. I wasn’t interested in playing for a local under-21 side!

Varsity Guide page 12

Va r s i t y

S h i e l d

gair rhydd 03 02 03

CU ready to defend shield While Swansea will be favourites to retain their Varsity crown, Cardiff still offer better sports teams across a variety of disciplines. They won the inaugural shield last year, and this season they look to continue their domination. The 2002 Abbey National Welsh Varsity Challenge saw the introduction of the multisport Varsity shield competition. The shield gives far greater width and appeal to the Varsity competition, and Cardiff will be eager to retain the accolade having won it comprehensively last year. This year's fixtures see a number of eagerly anticipated clashes. The traditional grudge netball match will be one to watch, with Swansea no doubt trying to prove a point against Cardiff's premier league team after a hat-trick of defeats last season. The star-studded Swansea football side will be a massive test for a promising Cardiff outfit, whilst the IMG select will fancy their chances against the Swansea 3rd XI. Cardiff's sporting strength across the board, particularly with the likes of men's waterpolo and hockey sides present on the day, seems to suggest that

London artist supports Varsity Alastair Thomas The artwork included in this guide is by former Swansea resident Allan Storer, who specialises in rugby paintings. He exhibits in London, where he paints within earshot of Twickenham rugby club, and in South Wales, where his son Paul (who has played for Neath and the Welsh presidents), still lives. He is inspired by the camaraderie and passion of the game, and rather than simply trying to represent rugby, works to capture the feelings, the spiritual energy and the qualities that make it so popular throughout the world: power, action and teamwork. Allan paints by using brush or palette knife,

creating an impasto surface, and this results in a tactility that adds to the sensory experience. Educated in Swansea, and later at the Chelsea School of Art and Kings College London, he has conducted postgraduate research into both the surrealist movement and the psychoanalytical theories of Freud and Jung. Allan is also available as a lecture speaker on aspects of the theory and history of modern art. High quality limited addition giclee copies are available for between £19.50 and £95 and are available in a variety of sizes. For more information telephone 0208 7442396, email allan@rugbyarts.com, or alternatively access his website at www.rugbyarts.com.

The Abbey National Welsh Varsity Challenge 2003 Wednesday 19th February TEAM Badminton Men Badminton Women Basketball Men Basketball Women Football Men I Football Men II Football IMG Select Football Women Golf Hockey Men Hockey Women Netball I Netball II Volleyball Men Tennis Mixed Waterpolo Men Waterpolo Women Squash Men Rugby Women

VENUE KICK OFF 12pm Talybont, Old Hall 12pm Talybont, Old Hall 1.30pm Talybont (5-a-side) 12pm Talybont (5-a-side ) 12pm Llanrumney 12pm Llanrumney 12pm Llanrumney 12pm Llanrumney 12pm Pyle & Kenfig 1.30pm Talybont 12pm Talybont 12pm Talybont, New Hall 1.30pm Talybont, New Hall 12pm Talybont, New Hall 12pm Welsh National 12pm WIS 1.30pm WIS 12pm Park Place 12pm Llanrumney

once again Cardiff will run away with the shield competition. These extra fixtures are an integral part of the whole Varsity experience, giving fans an opportunity to get behind the sides and generating an intense atmosphere early in the day. Among those to look out for are netball, badminton and volleyball at Talybont sports hall, throwing up the inevitable collective of drunken hockey enthusiasts swarming to the Astroturf and a master class from the waterpolo boys at Sophia Gardens. Whatever your sporting persuasion, or even if you have a profound dislike of all things involving exercise, the Varsity is a must for all Cardiff students: a great opportunity to get behind your University, a fantastic social occasion and a magnificent charity fund raising event. Come out in numbers and show your support on February 19 and make this a day to remember.

Varsity sing-a-long

Bring your song sheets to the Varsity! We’ve printed one song that you probably do know, and one that you should

Delilah I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind She was my woman As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind My my my Delilah Why why why Delilah? I could see that girl was no good for me But I was lost like a slave that no man could free At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door She stood there laughing, I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more My my my Delilah Why why why Delllah? So before they come to break down the door, forgive me, Delilah I just couldn't take anymore (Repeat following interlude) Forgive me Delilah I just couldn't take any more.

Mae Hen Wlad Wlad Fy Nhadau The Land Of My Fathers Mae hen wlad fy nhadau yn annwyl i mi, The land of my fathers, the land of my choice, Gwlad beirdd a chantorion, enwogion o fri; The land in which poets and minstrels rejoice; Ei gwrol ryfelwyr, gwladgarwyr tra mâd, The land whose stern warriors were true to the core, Tros ryddid gollasant eu gwaed. While bleeding for freedom of yore. Cytgan Chorus Gwlad, Gwlad, pleidiol wyf i'm gwlad. Wales! Wales! fav'rite land of Wales! Tra môr yn fur i'r bur hoff bau, While sea her wall, may naught befall

Old mountainous Cambria, the Eden of bards, Pob dyffryn, pob clogwyn i'm golwg sydd hardd; Each hill and each valley, excite my regards; Trwy deimlad gwladgarol, mor swynol yw si To the ears of her patriots how charming still seems Ei nentydd, afonydd i mi. The music that flows in her streams. Os treisiodd y gelyn fy ngwald tan ei droed, My country tho' crushed by a hostile array, Mae hen iaith y Cymry mor fyw ac erioed, The language of Cambria lives out to this day;

O bydded i'r hen iaith barhau. To mar the old language of Wales.

Ni luddiwyd yr awen gan erchyll law brad, The muse has eluded the traitors' foul knives,

Hen Gymru fynyddig, paradwys y bardd,

Na thelyn berseiniol fy ngwlad. The harp of my country survives

gair rhydd 03 02 03

M a t c h

d a y

g u i d e

Varsity Guide page 15

A Bridge

too far ?

Tristan Thomas Varsity Editor

hange a tradition and you’ll be met with controversy. This year’s Cardiff home match takes place in Bridgend, a departure from its traditional Arms Park home. The decision has its detractors. Some fans argue that the overall gates will be reduced because Cardiff fans will struggle to attend, others that the Brewery Field lacks the grandeur of the Arms Park. A minority argues the toss because the debate involves “Welsh rugby”, two words that by definition promote heated discussion. These critics fail to see the point. The Varsity has been refreshed by its move, there is a genuine sense of occasion about

proceedings. Bridgend itself is awash with a fervour not seen in Swansea or Cardiff during recent matches; the local population will flock to the match, probably in greater numbers than have ever been seen in Varsity’s six-year history. When the FA Cup was allocated to Cardiff two years ago, the decision was met with similar consternation. The event has been such a success that it is hard to see a new Wembley recreating the same interest. In the same way, the move to Bridgend may provide the oxygen of publicity that elevates Varsity rugby in terms of prestige and, crucially, media coverage. It has even been argued that Bridgend will become the permanent venue for both home and away ties. The Brewery Ground is ideally placed, situated equidistant between Wales’ two premier Universities. The Brewery Ground is certainly just as prestigious as Cardiff Arms Park. During the 80s, Bridgend RFC were one of the premier

A day with The Ravens We’re no Time Out, but we have cobbled together a vague guide on what you can do in Bridgend

Tristan Thomas Varsity Editor Reasons to be cheerful RECREATE SCENES from Braveheart with absolutely no historical accuracy whatsoever, then laugh as blokes with walking sticks and sou’westers berate you for a lack of respect: Bridgend has three castles for (Coity, Newcastle and Ogmore) for this purpose. FALL INTO the sea whilst trying to avoid a wave, à la Neil Kinnock, at nearby Porthcawl, Wales’ most popular Seaside resort! (Yes, gr sport has spent too much time on the tourist board website). L AW R E N C E OF Arabia was filmed at nearby Merthyr Mawr Warren, which is apparently the largest sand dune in the U K .

Impressive scenery, sand, and homosexual inferences. Well, that was the film anyway, but expect at least two of the three at the Warren. WHY ANYONE would want to leave Cardiff to go shopping is beyond gr sport, but apparently there is an ‘out of town’ discount designer shopping complex, McArthur Glen, very close to the ground. It is sign posted from junction 36 on the M4, the same turning as for the Bridgend Rugby Club (see right). Refreshments and entertainment AROUND THE GROUND: Sadler’s Bar. Actually part of the rugby ground, limited accessibility likely. Red Dragon. A spacious pub that’s just off junction 36 (see right), ideal for getting the beers in pre-kick off. TOWN CENTRE. The Famous Penybont Inn: friendly atmosphere, near to bus and train stations. Martin’s Bistro comes highly recommended for the pricier meal. Apparently there are three McDonalds in Bridgend, so if you’re feeling cultured you’re well catered for. La Terrazza is the place for a good Italian and China City Takeaway is great for a taste of from the Orient. Cody’s pub/club hardly ever comes recommended but is apparently popular nonetheless. Ginny’s Tearoom in Nolton Arcade allegedly serves a great cup of tea (It’s this sort of content that will get you a career in the Saga in-house magazine - Ed).

teams in European rugby, scoring a world record 269 tries in the 1983-84 season. JPR Williams, Steve Fenwick, Mike Hall and the current Lions duo Rob Howley and Dafydd James have all worn the famous blue and white. The current side is also on the ascent, with benefactor Leighton Samuel signing up Gareth Thomas, Dafydd James and Daniol

Jones in recent seasons. Getting there is easy, with cheap return tickets available from the AU (see below) ferrying supporters from the back of the union directly to the turnstiles. Bridgend is also a great place to visit, so use our guide below if you fancy venturing out of Cardiff for a day. Get involved.

Getting there easily and cheaply A gair rhydd guide to enjoying the Varsity with the least possible hassle Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend

Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity

Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Buy tickets fromVarsity the Bridgend AU onVarsity the Bridgend 3rd floor ofBridgend the Union Varsity Bridgend Varsity Varsity for Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgendtravel Varsity to £8 (or phone 02920 781437), including return Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend. Buy in advance, and for £1 you can go to Jive! Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Bridgend Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity

Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend Bridgend

Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity Varsity

Alternatively, you can buy a £5 entrance ticket only, either from the AU or on the turnstile at Brewery Gate Coaches leave from the back of the Union at 4.30pm on Wednesday February 19. The journey takes 20 mins Gates open at 5.30pm, and impressive pre-match entertainment is provided

The seventh Varsity match between Cardiff and Swansea kicks off at 7.30pm Coaches will whisk Cardiff fans swiftly back to the Union after the match so everyone can get battered, players and supporters alike Cash in your Jive ticket for a night of awesome revelry

Varsity Guide page 16

e g g - c h a s e r

h a t e r s

Enjoy the cheerleaders

Last year saw the Cardiff cheerleaders attending the Varsity game for the first time ever. Bad weather made the routine difficult, but despite the bad conditions the cheerleaders wowed the crowd and put the Swansea team to shame. This year’s ‘home’ match sees their return, but with a new name, new routines and a new image the girls are guaranteed to give an even more impressive performance than last year. “The Snakecharmers”, as they are now known, have been in constant demand this year, having been featured on local radio and performing at various nightclubs, but for one night only they are supporting the rugby team in what is tipped to be one of the hottest sporting and social events of 2003. The team have been training hard in preparation for the Varsity and the crowd won’t be disappointed; the skirts are shorter, the lifts are higher and the body ripples are sexier – you won’t want to miss out on this one, boys!

STA raffle

With the purchase of every match programme @ £1 comes the chance to win two Eurostar tickets worth £500, courtesy of STA travel. If your programme number is called out over the PA system on the night of the Varsity, you could see yourself and a friend jet-setting off to all your favourite European cities. And these tickets allow you to travel through ALL zones - yes! There's a whole stack of other prizes to be won in the raffle as well, and as our half-time sponsor Aftershock will be supplying the five lucky winners of the kicking competition with a load of FREE drink. Get your arse down to the Varsity, even if it's just for the freebies!

gair rhydd hat

Us journalists like to pretend we’re big time. So we wanted to give all(?) our readers “those hats like you get from The Sun”. Visions of England supporters, dressed in red and white, with their shiny plastic top hats glimmering on a lovely summer’s day - what? Too expensive? Well, readers: make this out of our centre pages, and you can still take some classy headware to the Varsity on the 19th. Use the natural crease in the newspaper to fold the paper in two. Halfway along the fold, make a small crease. Now fold the corner of the paper to this crease, and do so with the other side. Fold the two flaps on the bottom upwards. And you (may) have a gair rhydd hat like the one to the right.

Booze and burgers

What better way to spend an afternoon than getting on the beers whilst watching some quality rugby? And when you can’t do that, getting lashed in front of some fairly average rugby will also do the trick nicely too, thank-you very much. With three bars serving a variety of exciting beverages (well, there’ll be beer at any rate), you’ll be able to indulge to your heart’s content and prepare for the carnage that will be Jive Hive. The burger vans will hopefully be of a better quality than those illegal ratcatchers outside the Union. But consume enough of that aforementioned beer and you’ll care no more about that than the fact that there are fifteen very cold and muddy men running around in front of you.

Streakers

Streakers on television seem much more harmless, but a live sighting can be both frightening and potentially dangerous. Every Varsity match brings a new batch, which is either a very bad thing or very exciting depending on your views on the merits of copious amounts of (normally male) flesh wobbling on the pitch. Enjoy.

Top Totty This year’s teams have hopefully been picked for their sporting prowess rather than their sex appeal, but nevertheless there is still totty to be found on the Brewery Field. Luckily most of it seems to be on the Cardiff side – though it wouldn’t be hard, as the Swans provide rather unlikely pin-up material. Still, Griff Jones has sexy hair, Raoul Tufnell looks rather a dish and Luff may well be the captain of many a girl’s heart. And they’ll be all hot and sweaty. It’s practically pornographic.

gair rhydd 03 02 03

Fireworks and razzle

You would have thought that a huge ground such as Bridgend would be the perfect place to send a load of fireworks rocketing to the heavens. Apparently not, though something to do with health and safety. So the AU has gone one better and is using pyro-electrics. The bangs of smoke and silver jets are going to make an electrifying opening to the match and are definitely not to be missed. The office has also spent hours arranging an awesome soundtrack ready to accompany the highs and lows of the game. The £35,000 sound system alone at Bridgend is enough to blow your mind. Just wait for the lovingly selected track the Swansea boys are set to run-out to - it’s all in good jest, honest!

Big band fun

Cardiff University Big Band is a 40-piece BIG big band (not just big in name), formed in 2001 by members of the music department in conjunction with the Cardiff University Music Society. The band is open to anyone in the university (provided they play the right instrument, obviously), and plays a variety of music ranging from original big band music and vocal arrangements to cheesy pop tunes, all played in their own inimitable style. The Cardiff University Big Band is available for hire for formal events and balls throughout the university and further afield. For more information, contact Sam on MullinerSR@cf.ac.uk “Just for the record I got a sneak preview of the band during practice and they are absolutely fantastic. It is a treat to have them play for the supporters, as in all honesty I never thought they’d agree to it. Maybe it is possible to convert the egg-chaser haters after all!” - Polly Hills, AU President