Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones What is the meaning of life? Is there a God? Who built Stonehenge? Where is Bin Laden hiding? What made the dinosaurs extinct? And, who is the hardest Star Wars character? All questions that have dogged mankind since he first crawled out of the primordial soup. Film attempts to answer at least one of them. So without further ado, Let’s Get Ready To Rumble! vs.
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1. Yoda vs. C3PO and R2D2 The ultimate grudge match for who can become the cutest/ most annoying midget begins between R2 and Yoda. The two vertically challenged ones go at it while C3PO camps around in the background, crying “No R2 No”. Yoda soon sees off the two robots with a few bashes of his trusty stick.
2. Chewbacca vs. Ewok Despite being the best of bum-chums in Return of the Jedi, Chewy and the Ewok soon get stuck in. Things get hairy for Chewy when the Ewok’s furry little friends pelt him with rocks from the trees above, but being about four times their size, Chewy quickly acquires himself a new welcome mat for the Millennium Falcon.
3. Jango Fett vs. Luke Skywalker Despite the fact that Luke is the saviour of the galaxy, Jango Fett, with his array of gadgets, soon gains the upper hand over the whining little bitch, who is obviously too inexperienced and impatient with the ways of the force to compete with the real men.
Before Chewy has a chance to rip Yoda to shreds, the diminutive little bogey infects the Wookie with a nasty species of pubic lice (‘how?’ I hear you cry). Chewy suffers an itching fit and runs off to shave.
4. Princess Leia vs. Jabba the Hut Leia keeps it real for the feminists by distracting Jabba with her unrivalled beauty before choking him with his own tongue.
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5. Darth Maul vs. Jar Jar Binks “You’s a people gonna die?” No Jar Jar, you’re gonna die, and we’re all gonna point and laugh.
6. Hans Solo vs. Stormtrooper Everyone knows Stormtroopers can’t shoot and have a tendency to run into things. The outcome is short and sweet.
7. Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. The Emperor Obi-Wan makes a first glancing blow with his lightsabre but the Emperor strikes back with his stupid, old man, electric hand thing, which unfortunately proves futile against the master Jedi Knight.
8. Darth Vader vs. Lando Calrissian Seeing as all Lando is good for is running away, the safe bet here would be on Vader.
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11. Darth Maul vs. Hans Solo In a scene reminiscent of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Darth
10. Jango Fett vs. Princess Leia Maul swings his double-edged lightsabre around him in We couldn’t have had Leia going out in the first round because we’d have had too many letters of complaint, but sorry girls, Leia’s just no match for our man Jango.
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13. Yoda vs. Jango Fett Jango internally combusts when Yoda uses the force to anally insert Jango’s rocket pack.
a pant-shittingly stupendous show of swordsmanship. Hans sarcastically shrugs as he coolly draws his raygun and shoots Maul square in the chest.
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14. Hans Solo vs. Darth Vader Although it pains me to say, despite being the king of cool, Hans is just no match for the prince of the dark side. I can’t watch!
15. Yoda vs. Darth Vader Vader attempts to distract Yoda by claiming to be his long lost twin brother, but Yoda’s too clever to fall for that one, knowing that not even nature would be cruel enough to simultaneously breed a tall handsome fighting machine together with a two foot piece of belly button fluff as siblings. Yoda uses the force to spin round Vader, skid under his legs and deliver a lightsabre enema. (Yoda learned years ago in Jedi School that a man’s weakest spot is his arse).
12. Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader “If you strike me down now I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine”. Bollocks.
And the winner is. . .
STAR WARS EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES Starring: Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Lee, Frank Oz, Temuera Morrison Dir.: George Lucas
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n the grand scheme of things, is a review of a Star Wars film of any essential importance?Would it really stop somebody who has seen the rest of the franchise from going to see it, or will it manage to turn the attention of a disbeliever? I’m not sure, but the question on almost everyone’s lips at the moment, whether they plan to see Attack of the Clones or not is, ‘is it any good?’ Set ten years after the events of The Phantom Menace, Episode: 2 finds the galaxy once again in turmoil. Civil war looms as the renegade Jedi, Count Dooku, leads hundreds of solar systems in a succession from the Republic. When Senator Padme Amidala comes under threat from assassination, Obi-Wan Kenobi and the freshly trained Anakin Skywalker are brought in to protect her. However, the inexperienced Anakin begins to be
Yoda “Most powerful Muppet in the world I am. Be afraid. Be very afraid.”
overcome by strong emotions of both love for Amidala and hatred for the system that governs the universe, until his sanity becomes fragile.
Over the previous few years most of the speculation surrounding the production of Attack of the Clones involved the casting of Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker. Many questioned whether Christensen had the acting experience to cope with the demanding nature of portraying a young Jedi who will suffer a moral breakdown and transform from keeper of peace to the evil Sith Lord Darth Vader. However, Christensen’s representation of the troubled youngster is entirely convincing, he is both tender and dedicated but also unpredictable, emotional, wild, brooding, and at times dangerous – all characteristics powerfully communicated through the young actor’s wild eyes and furrowed eyebrows. As usual the support is flawless. Ewan McGregor seems to have mastered his English accent, and with fully fledged beard, looks more and more like Alec Guinness every outing. With a solid performance from Natalie Portman as the maturing Amidala, a smooth portrayal of Mace Windu from Samuel L. Jackson, Christopher Lee doing his usual spooky turn as Count Dooku, and an array of colourful voices provided for the multitude of exotic aliens and droids, the characters of the film excel. Unfortunately what is lacking in Attack is the friendly interaction between these characters. A much darker film than its predecessor, Lucas’ screenplay seems to have concentrated on the
EPISODE I: PHANTOM MENACE UPDATE For those who haven’t yet seen, or need to be reminded of the events of Episode I: The Phantom Menace, here’s a synopsis of the prequel.
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fter a fierce tax dispute the Trade Federation attempt to occupy the peaceful planet Naboo, Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his young apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi rescue the headstrong Queen Amidala from their clutches and hide out on the desert planet Tatooine. Here the meet a young slave called Anakin Skywalker who has an unusually strong ability with the force. By winning a thrilling podrace Anakin wins his freedom and the parts for the Jedi’s escape. The heroes return to Naboo so that the Amidala can attempt to quash the invasion, and Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan are forced to face of with the Sith Lord Darth Maul. Qui-Gon falls in battle as the Republic triumphs, but uneasy feelings that this is the first stage in an intergalactic war are common.
characters as individuals or partners. While Anakin and Amidala spend most of the narrative relaxing together, and falling for one another, Obi-Wan turns into a space-age private dick as he goes it alone to pursue Amidala’s unsuccessful assassin. Although all the characters progress, Attack does seem to lack the camaraderie and joviality that the crew of the Millennium Falcon produced. Also, disappointingly, the much-hyped Jango Fett fails to leave a lasting impression. He’s not really all that bad, and as he claims is ‘just a simple guy trying to make his way in the universe’. As Fett is forced to take a back seat, the lack of a clear intimidating villain in Attack (such as the role that Vader supplied in the original trilogy) means at times the narrative is unthreatening and unguided. Although it possesses a little too much Americanised slang, Lucas’s script is, as usual, informative, if a little confused. Attack may be criticised for being at times too slow, plot heavy, and politically dominated, but this is understandable considering the number of events
Lucas has had to cram into Episode II. Despite its often overwhelmingly stuffy politics, the script still manages to offer light relief in the form of the loveable droids R2D2 and C3P0, replacing the irritating Jar Jar Binks who’s role is fortunately dramatically reduced. Although mainly dull, it does, however, manage to offer momentary sparks of wit, playing upon the audiences knowledge of future events (in one scene Obi-Wan complains to Anakin, ‘One day you will be the death of me’). Despite its limitations, Attack still manages to overpower its audience. All the usual features are included. The crawling prologue at the start. The astonishing speed of scenes all linked together with Lucas’ old school wiping technique. John William’s pounding score. Breathtaking digital cinematography of colourful alien planets. It’s Christian, Buddhist (and Fascist anyone?) undertones. Enthralling action sequences which leave the audience exhausted all produce a kind of childlike excitement that you won’t have experienced since you first saw the original trilogy. But surely, the impression most viewers will be left with as they exit Attack’s auditorium, will be, in a scene that must surely go down in cinematic history, is a digitally generated Yoda, lightsabre in hand and seriously kicking arse. Neil Blain