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Free Word 711

gairrhydd Cardiff’s Student Weekly

Monday 4 February 2002

cinema ticket and popcorn

Film bring news of exclusive screenings of classic films and your chance to get a free day o u t a t t h e U G C C a r d i f f . Tu r n t o G R i P p a g e 9

USIT collapse leaves Fees don’t go travellers in limbo

by James Bladon THE PLANS of thousands of student travellers have been thrown in to confusion with the collapse of the USIT Campus travel agency. The USIT Campus shop on the first floor of the Union ceased trading on Wednesday as Britain’s second largest student travel company went in to receivership. The collapse of the company has come as a huge shock to scores of Cardiff University students who had reservations with them. Jim Neidhart a 2nd year student at Cardiff University said, “I booked a round the world ticket only last week with USIT, but there was no mention that they were in financial trouble. Obviously it’s a great worry as I’ve paid a substantial amount of money but have not yet had my tickets.” The Graduate Centre at the University had also planned trips to Paris and Amsterdam through USIT Campus. Graduate Centre Manager

Terry Delahunty said, “At this stage we are not sure exactly what is going to happen. We are trying to get details of the tour operator in order to learn what the current position of the trip is.” A spokesman for the Civil Aviation Authority (CAA), of which USIT Campus was a member said, “Anyone who has booked scheduled flights with USIT will be OK to travel. If they have their tickets already then they should check in to fly as normal, for those who have paid for tickets but are waiting for the them to arrive I would advise that they contact the airline directly”. It is in the case of land based travel that customers of USIT Campus may face potential problems because the firm was not a part of a regulatory body. Had the company been affiliated with a group such as ABTA then client’s reservations would have been covered in the way the flights are by the CAA. But because USIT Campus weren’t students will now face an uncertain wait to see if their reservations will be honoured, or

to unis Adam Dobbie

CLOSED: Is this the sign of things to come?

if they will receive any compensation at all. An CAA spokesman said, “Any non-flight packages should be covered by the companies insurers.” Any customer who wishes to make a claim should contact Ashbourne Tilley Special Risk Insurance Company on (0207)

481 8239 Cardiff Student Union President Tom McGarry said “We were aware that USIT travel suffered seriously as a result of the events of September 11.” “I would urge anyone who has made a reservation with USIT to visit the Student Advice Centre on the third floor of the Union.”

by James Bladon READERS OF Saga Holidays brochures may be surprised to see that Cardiff is now an English city. Unsurprisingly, this is not a major constitutional change that passed the rest of us by, but an incredible error on the part of the tour operators. The Hilton Hotels in Cardiff and Newport were promoted as holiday destinations in a section entitled ‘Southern England’.

Welsh MP Roger Williams said of the mistake, “This is appalling and not what one would expect.” He added, “On a more serious note this episode indicates to me that Wales still has a lot to do to establish itself as distinct from England”. A spokesperson for Saga apologised for the ‘brochure error’, saying “We apologise for any offence that it may have caused. The heading of the section should have read Southern England and Wales”.

CARDIFF: Capital of Wales

PIC: Rob Jackson

Cardiff, England?

IN A stunning admission Government officials revealed that not a single penny raised from tuition fees have benefited universities. The revelation was made to MP’s last week during a House of Commons committee meeting. Professor Sir Howard Newby, chief executive of the Higher Education Funding Council, told the all party public accounts committee that there had been a “displacement effect” whereby the Government had reduced the budget for British universities by £400m, exactly the same amount as had been generated by fees. In effect, the government has generated £400m per year in extra income. Labour MP Gerry Steinberg said, “I am staggered.” The MP said he had only backed the Government’s plans to introduce tuition fees in 1998 because of the extra funds they would generate for cash-strapped universities. It had been hoped that maintenance grants would be re-introduced as a result of the unpopularity of tuition fees, but this now appears to be increasingly unlikely as a result of Treasury fears over the cost of proposals. Students who graduate with debt averaging £12,000 now pay a maximum of £1,075 a year in fees. It is this type of statistic which is largely responsible for the few numbers of students from poorer backgrounds attending university. Government officials said universities in England need to do much more to attract and retain poor students and called on more institutions to use a scheme piloted in Bristol. The University of Bristol now takes students with poorer A-level results than are normally required if they come schools that perform badly. David Normington, the permanent secretary for the Department for Education and Skills, meanwhile, told MPs there was a “mountain to climb” to reach the government’s target of attracting half of all 18 to 30-year-olds into higher education by 2010.


2 ● News

Briefly... Housing Fair

Wellingtons at the ready EXPERTS FROM Britain’s world-class research centres are running a series of workshops for students planning conservation projects. The workshops, organised by the BP Conservation Programme, is designed to help students design more effective and practical field research programmes . The courses will be held at the Royal Geographical Society in London from 9 -16 April and each workshop costs £25. For further information email

Anyone need some money? CASUAL STAFF are needed to work on Elections days. Staff will be required to work on the 13 and 14 February, and the 13 and 14 of March. Full training is provided. For further information contact Chris Evans on 02920 781 422 or email

Lose weight – virtually A CARDIFF based company has launched a new website so we all stick to our new year resolution., offers a virtual slimming trainer to help organise an eight-week slimming programme and links to local gyms and sports shops. Gair Rhydd announcement: GRiP meetings will now take place at 4.30pm instead of 2.15pm form this Wednesday.

Assembly accused of favouring Cardiff by Aimee Bryant and Abbie Jackson FOLLOWING THEIR recommendations to merge local Welsh universities, the National Assembly’s education committee has been accused of favouritism towards Cardiff University and UWCM. Representatives from smaller Welsh universities outside Cardiff expressed fears that the recommendations could have a detrimental effect on their institutions. The Assembly’s Education Committee proposed a merging of the smaller universities in Wales into regional ‘clusters’. In Cardiff, following the university’s spectacular research results, they recommended this to consist of a ‘research-led’ cluster between Cardiff University, University of Wales College of Medicine and Welsh College of Music and Drama. A ‘teaching led’ cluster could then consist of UWIC, Newport and Glamorgan Universities. In a letter to the Assembly’s Education Minister, Professor Stuart McKeay of Bangor University urged the Minister to ignore the recommendations. He argued, “Over half the University departments found to

BRITISH YOUTHS have no idea about their history, a startling survey has revealed. A report, undertaken by the Encyclopedia Britannica, showed that only 26 per cent of people between the ages of 15 and 24 know what happened on D-Day and just over half can correctly state how many wives King Henry VIII had. Less than a third knew when St George’s Day was although, revealingly, almost all Scottish, Welsh and Irish

gairrhydd Address: Gair Rhydd University Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone: Editorial – (029) 2078 1434/436 Advertising – (029) 2078 1416 E-mail: Visitors: Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

World War 2: 1939-1945

By David Lindsell

UNIVERSITY OF WALES: A fated institute

be above-average in last month’s research exercise were located outside Cardiff. This is a remarkable achievement when you consider the far smaller size of institutions such as Bangor and Aberystwyth.” Professor McKeay added that four of the “weaker” departments were located in Cardiff. However, the survey placed Cardiff significantly ahead of other Welsh Universities. Cardiff University was ranked

British youth bypass culture by Lydia Kirby

Increase in Welsh homeless PIC: Simon Crockford

A HOUSING fair will be held in the Students’ Union on Tuesday 5 February to provide advice on renting a house. Students will be given information on trading standards, licencing and the bond bank scheme. A full list of landlords will also be available.

Monday 4 February 2002, gairrhydd

candidates could name the dates of their patron saints. The interviewees were also asked how many years Queen Victoria had been on the throne, in what century King Richard III reigned and who had invented the television. Only 19 per cent could correctly answer the first two and 33 per cent the third. The results have raised fears of decreasing standards in education and a general lack of interest in British history. British Marketing executive, Christine Hodgson said, “As a nation whose history has shaped the face of the world, it seems incredible that the younger generation has decided to dismiss it.” However, Cardiff University student, Gareth Waters, thinks it is wrong to accuse the youth of being ignorant just because they don’t know some dates. He said, “If you asked older people many of them wouldn’t know the answers to those questions.” He continued, “It is quite bad that so few people know what happened on D-Day but the same thing will happen with our grandchildren with events happening today, like the September 11th terrorist attacks for example”.

seventh of 106 universities in Britain, with its closest Welsh counterpart, Bangor, in 47th position. The committee’s members believe Cardiff University therefore contributes most to the economic and social development of Wales. Meanwhile, politicians and academics opposed to the new strategy are uniting to prevent what they perceive as an elitist strategy that would put the rest of Wales at a disadvantage.

NATIONAL ASSEMBLY for Wales statistics show that the number of people classed as `homeless’ has increased 187 per cent over the last three years. The government figures for Wales show a 24 per cent increase since 2000 in homeless figures whilst the South of Wales has experienced a 35.7 per cent increase. There are now approximately 13,500 people in Wales who are unintentionally homeless which has increased from 9,620 homeless people in 1999. This figure includes the smaller amount of people classified as `street homeless.’ However the Welsh Assembly said the increase in homeless figures was due to the changes made in classification of homeless people. They claimed that the statistics since devolution took into account a wider definition of a homeless person as part of a wider strategy of solving homelessness and were therefore more realistic figures than in previous years. Steve Hyde of the City Centre Teams who organise `breakfast runs’ and regularly take head counts of `street homeless’ in Cardiff was keen to point out the wider context of any homeless figures. He said, “We counted 9 people in the streets of Cardiff last night but in one year we can see over 200 individuals.” “On top of this there are the 250 people in Cardiff hostels who are potentially homeless if funding stops.” He continued, “The big issue is not to brush people of the street but helping them by dealing with wider social and economic issues. “The Welsh Assembly has made a good start in helping socially disadvantaged people.”

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Common Cold Centre

Cardiff School of Biosciences, Off Park Place, near the Tower Block Monday - Friday 9.30am - 4.30pm

gairrhydd, Monday 4February 2002

Student’s cyber bid to Welsh

win house by Suzanne Carter ONE LUCKY Cardiff University student is in with a chance of winning a house in a nationwide internet competition. First year student, Jess Baker, is one of 25 student finalists who have been chosen out of thousands around the country that have set up a website. The competition is organised by Virgin and the contestant who receives the most hits on their photograph by March 14 will win a house. Jess is the only contestant from a Welsh University and is currently in third place with 500 votes. Jess describes her ideal home as ‘big n bangin’, loud and proud, boozer’s heaven, 24/7.’ The Applied Psychology student from Slough heard about the competition through a friend, who surprised Jess by entering her website. She said, ‘I couldn’t believe it. My friend entered me by surprise. She’s really witty with words and

they chose me as one of the 25 nationwide’. She continued, ‘I’m trying to get as much publicity as I can. If you log onto the Virgin Website ( 25 photographs will appear and then just click on my photograph’. Posters advertising Jess’ entry have been plastered around the campus calling for support from her fellow Cardiff students. Not only does it give Jess a chance to win a house but also those who vote on the virgin website could win a Virgin Mobile and MP3 player. Virgin representatives are also in Cardiff promoting Jess’s campaign by setting up computers where you can vote on-line. If Jess wins the house, she has decided that some of her loan should be put to good use. ‘I know how much debt I might be in next year but this house would be a real relief for me and my room mates as we won’t have to pay rent. However, if I win some of my loan will go to charity’.

web is top for jobs

Mark Cobley

HOME FREE: Jess appeals for support Cardiff’s support INSET: The Virgin Red House logo

Broke students live in luxury By Lydia Kirby

POOR STUDENTS are a minority and many of us are living lives of extravagance according to a recent report. The survey, undertaken by Unite, a company specialising in student accommodation, shows that although student debt is reported to have risen by a quarter over the last 12 months, undergraduates are still living beyond their means. On average, students spend one fifth of their weekly budget on alcohol and nine-tenths own mobile phones. This is despite a quarter of students admitting to being in debt and 40 per cent being forced to take on part time jobs to

pay their way through university. According to MPs on the Social Accounts Committee the social makeup of students has not changed over the last decade despite the Prime Minister’s target of increasing the number of undergraduates from working class backgrounds. The average student will graduate with £4,200 with some medical students owing up £30,000 by the time they qualify as doctors. But, despite the accumulation of debt, 97 per cent of students believe that going to university is a worthwhile experience, according to a survey of over 1,000 full time undergraduates by MORI. Although more than 50 per cent of

students say they are often stressed, 90 per cent say they are happy with university life. Cardiff University student, Ian Betts, admitted to often spending right up to his overdraft limit but believes debt is all part of the student life. He said, “I go out about three or four nights a week and probably do spend too much on beer and food but so what? I’m having a great time although I wouldn’t say I’m living in luxury”. Student numbers may be rising drastically but graduates still enjoy a lifetime premium salary of about 25 per cent over those who finish education at 18 and 90 per cent of students view the money they pour into their education as a good investment.

PIC: Simon Crockford

EXTRAVAGANCE: Despite debt students still spend most of their money on alcohol and cigarettes

News ● 3

E-RECRUITMENT IS the new buzzword as increasingly students and graduates look to the web to improve their job prospects. And it is a Welsh website that is leading the way in this new field of jobseeking: The site is completely free to students and employers, and very easy to use. More than 15,000 students have registered on the site since its launch, and more than 1,100 employers have done the same. The site enables both students and graduates to post CVs on the site, which can then be read by prospective employers with graduate vacancies. Roger Carter, of Education Learning Wales, says his company has used the site to fill vacancies and found it the best in Britain. “Graduate Wales is significantly ahead of equivalent facilities elsewhere in the UK, both in terms of its sheer capacity and the level of detail it can process and cross-match,” he said. The site is funded by the Higher Education Funding Council and the Welsh Development Agency, but is managed by the firm Strategic Marketing. Stuart Cook of Strategic Marketing said, “Vacancies and CVs can be posted immediately, and because it is specifically targeted towards graduates, you are able to access the correct calibre of applicant every time”. There are hundreds of job vacancies available every month, for graduates as well as for students attempting to earn extra money and experience during their studies. Fran Bayley, a former Cardiff University student who graduated last year, described the site as “easy and immediate.” She said, “I was simply browsing the internet when I came across the site and posted by CV there and then. A couple of days later I was contacted by an employer”. The E-recruitment sector has seen burgeoning growth in recent years, and research suggests that a third of skilled workers, including students, now search for their first job online. PIC: Simon Crockford

INTERNET: The new job search tool

Non-Sabb campaigns CAMPAIGNING BEGINS this week for the Union’s non-sabbatical elections. Candidates for the part-time executive positions will be touring the union with posters, flyers, banners and any gimmick they can think of to get their names into your mind. The positions are vital for the running of the Union. Societies and Union Secretary, James Sommerville, has stressed the importance of this week’s campaigning. He said, ‘Non-Sabbaticals are there

to represent liberation groups, to help run the AU and to manage Xpress Radio.’ He added, ‘While they’re not fulltime, they have a vote on the executive committee which decides a great many things. Being a Non-Sabb is a position of great responsibility and importance for the Union.’ Full manifestoes for each of the candidates will feature in next week’s Gair Rhydd, and voting take place on Wednesday 13 and Thursday 14 February.

4 ● News

Monday 4 February 2002, gairrhydd

Record high for cannabis

gairrhydd Editorial

Film Club On a final note, I’d like to encourage everyone to come along to the UGC cinema on Wednesday to take part in the first Gair Rhydd film club. We’ve secured a real coup in the screening of Grosse Pointe Blank, not least because it stars the thoroughly delicious John Cusack. It’s great that the cinema is so student friendly, and to help out a society as much as they help Gair Rhydd is fantastic. If you’re one of the first 50 people to come along you get free entry and a free box of popcorn. So support our new venture and get there!

CANNABIS USE in Britain has doubled in the last three years according to an independent report. The figures, released by the Independent Drug Monitoring Unit last week, show that cannabis consumption has risen from three-quarters of an ounce per person per month in 1998 to 1.5 ounces in 2001. Cannabis production has also surged drastically. Homegrown ‘skunk’ accounts for approximately half of all cannabis consumed in 2001. Although the research was undertaken before the home secretary David Blunkett’s announcement to downgrade cannabis to a Class C drug and the relaxing of the policing of cannabis in Brixton, South London, it is believed that many attribute the increase to this change in attitude towards the drug. Danny Kushlick, of drug reform group Transform, believes the figures show that, with so many people using drugs, it is time society accepted it as a normal part

of society. He said, “Given that this is a very natural human urge, isn’t it time we gave up the fight to stop people doing it, and controlled and regulated production and sale of drugs through legal outlets?” Cardiff Labour MP, Jon Owen Jones, has previously stated his support for this relaxation towards cannabis believing that, as adults, we should be allowed to make our own decisions. Mr Jones, who admitted to smoking marijuana last year and is currently campaigning for the legalisation of cannabis, believes that by banning drugs people are actually more likely to take them. He said, “The policies of the last 30 or 40 years haven’t worked. Prohibition merely promotes disrespect for the law.” However, Cardiff University student, Ben Williams, believes that relaxing the law in regard to cannabis will encourage people who would not usually sample drugs to try cannabis. He said, “If politicians are saying its OK to take cannabis

PIC: Simon Crockford

POT: Use in the UK is at a record high

then people are more likely to try it. They won’t worry about the consequences and cannabis use will become less taboo.” The research also showed that Ecstasy and LSD use has declined in the last few years. Despite the price of Ecstasy dropping to a record low, use

have fallen to 1994 levels. Cocaine, like cannabis, has seen a rise of 50 per cent in the last three years with the percentage of the population using cocaine on a weekly or daily basis rising from two per cent in 1998 to four per cent in 2001.

Critical divide PIC: David Lindsall

It is with no surprise that I read the story about students living in relative luxury instead of the image of The Young Ones that the media seems to permanently use to represent students. However this ‘luxury’ that we are all supposed to reside in is not represented in our luxurious student housing, but in the amount of clothes, booze and fags we are supposed to be buying. It’s hardly front page news – Students go to uni to have good time! But who can blame us for living beyond our means when we are increasingly stressed about the money that we are now paying to attend university. When I was a student I worked so hard that in order to keep my sanity I had to play hard as well. I also had the mentality that I was going to come out of Uni with £12,000 of debt hanging over my head anyway, so what difference was another pint or new top going to make? It is becoming increasingly clear that the introduction of loans and tuition fees is completely changing the way that students live, and one of those changes is that students want to enjoy any free time that they have by spending money. Here at Gair Rhydd we have found that over the years contributions have dropped, and we are sure that the tuition fees problem has something to do with it. Students are now only concerned about getting their grand’s worth out of their course, getting their exams out of the way and going out on the piss. Volunteering has fallen way down in the Union this year, and I believe that tuition fees are to blame. I hope that people in power stop begrudging students the right to enjoy themselves and realise that tuition fees are seriously damaging student traditions and way of life. A change needs to come soon.

By Lydia Kirby

Gotta watch them all! by Mark Cobley

WELSH UNITY: But rifts within the universities of Wales are showing

by Jessica Richards CONTROVERSIAL PLANS to reform the structure of the University of Wales have been criticised this week by vice-chancellors and union leaders. They have warned that proposals to remove the federal university’s powers may lead to the closure of campuses and courses, resulting in job losses across the institutions. The National Assembly for Wales’ Review of Higher Education, published on 15 January 2002, recommended that Cardiff University and the University of Wales College of Medicine (UWCM) should “explore how they might work more closely together”. This alliance will strengthen the long standing collaboration between Cardiff University and UWCM, bringing particular advantages for research. Tom McGarry, President of Cardiff University Students’ Union, said that as a result of these reforms “it is likely that Cardiff and UWCM would merge to form one research based university.” He acknowledged that Cardiff is keen to award its own degrees but was critical of media speculation

regarding the reforms. There is concern that as a result of these plans, research will be concentrated in Cardiff, forcing other universities within Wales to merge and be defined as teaching-led institutions. This suggests an emphasis on research at Cardiff at the expense of teaching and implies disadvantages for research conducted by staff set to become part of the teaching-led collaborations. Whilst Tom McGarry admits that “Cardiff has come off quite well” as a result of the proposals, he agrees with the concerns of James Brownsell, President of Bangor University Student Union, who warned that such mergers could lead to job losses. A formal response from Cardiff University will not be available until the Welsh Assembly announces their response and strategy for higher education in early spring. Meanwhile, Tom McGarry believes that “student representation has not been adequately acknowledged,” and so would encourage students to attend the next Student Union Council meeting held on 11 February and give their views on the matter.

Pokemon characters from the popular cartoon that exploded onto our screens from Japan are coming to Cardiff. Previously they were confined to the twodimensional silver screen, but now you can go see Ash, Pikachu, Misty, Team Rocket and all their friends live and in the flesh at the Cardiff International Arena in May. Pokemon Live, a multi-million pound Broadway-style musical production based on the TV series, tells the story of Pokemon trainer Ash and his friends as they attempt to thwart the dastardly plans of Giovanni and Team Rocket. Spectacular pyrotechnic effects will bring the characters to life, and the show is sure to be a treat for all the family, as well as ironic, cynical students with no lives. Pokemon Live is on at the CIA on May 19, with shows at 2pm and 5pm. Tickets are available from Saturday at the Arena Box Office, Tel. 029 2022 4488 or Ticketline, Tel. 029 2023 0130. Tickets are priced £9.30 subject to booking fee.

POKEMON: Live at the CIA

News ● 5

gairrhydd, Monday 4 February 2002

The Week In Print Damilola killed ‘for a laugh’ by Dominic O’Neill

the street, broke the bottle and handed it across to one of his accomplices. The trial of the four teenagers accused of “Within moments, Mr Dennis said, “in what killing Damilola Taylor began with the can only be called a deliberate and controlled prosecution’s chilling account of the crime act of violence, Damilola was stabbed as he last week. remained trapped and helpless, surrounded by Over a year after the ten year old’s murder the boys”. in a South Peckham estate, the Old Bailey Damilola was then left with a glass marble were told how the four teenagers, who cannot in his mouth to stop his screams. be named for legal reasons, accosted Damilola Mr Dennis described how he left a trail of on his way back from computer classes at a blood as he struggled up the stairs crying for local library. help. The prosecuting lawyer Mark Dennis told When a neighbour found him, apparently how “one of the boys fetched a beer bottle that the only words he could utter were “I’m OK, had been discarded near a rubbish area along I’m OK.” By the time he arrived at hospital, it was too late: he had died from the loss of blood. The boys each said they had either done it “for a laugh”, to get his silver jacket, or because Damilola had been “mouthy”. They are charged with manslaughter and assault with intent to rob. The attack was witnessed by a 13 year old girl who was initially too scared to come forward in the investigations. She apparently knew the two 16 year old brothers and the 13 year old who committed the atrocities. Mr Dennis said, “There are some cases where the nature and gravity of the crime is such as to persuade some to come forward and speak out against their own peer group when prudence or selfHORRIFIC: Damilola dragged himself to the protection may, sadly, have otherwise foot of a flight of stairs after the stabbing prevented them from doing so”.

Teacher accused of assaulting pupils by Dominic O’Neill Guildford Crown Court was last week told how a 26-year-old biology teacher accused of sexually assaulting two school children was “too drunk to remember the incident”. Amy Gehring, a supply teacher from Otterville, Ontario denies four counts of indecent assault against two pupils aged 14 and 15. Prosecutor Stella Reynolds said she had “obsessively” followed Victim A, before having sex with him in a garden at a party on New Year’s Eve. She was then accused of having sex in an alley with Victim B while walking the

boy home. Ms Reynolds commented that “No doubt there is much public opinion that would see this thing as a school boy’s dream. But for these boys, this has been a nightmare.” Meanwhile, defence barrister Andrew Thompson said it was a case of “too much testosterone”. The defendant told the court, “I was told about it and didn’t know what to make of it. I was so shocked, I didn’t remember anything like that happening. She continued, “I texted [Victim A] and said what’s happened? He said ‘I think we had sex.”

Prisoners kept like caged animals

BEHIND BARS: Dartmoor prison accused of treating prisoners inhumanely

Jubilant Queen in Wales by Suzanne Carter Plans for the Queen’s Golden Jubilee were unveiled this week, including a three-day visit to Wales. The busy schedule will allow her to visit just a few places throughout England, Scotland and Wales in order to muster up declining support for the monarchy. The Welsh Jubilee Tour, sponsored by Wall’s Sausages, will start on June 11. She will visit visit Beaumaris Castle in Anglesey before attending a Thanksgiving service at Bangor Cathedral and having lunch hosted by National Trust Wales. On the second day she will attend the Powys Picnic at Llandrindod Wells, before opening the New Lock at Barry Port Harbour. On the last day of her Welsh tour she will visit Bridgend, Treorchy and Porth before having lunch at Newport and making an appearance at the National Assembly in Cardiff. A palace spokesperson said the tour would “engage with a range of organisations in recognition of the importance of community and voluntary service. Such visits will enable the Queen

Ms Gehring, working at the surrey school between November 2000 and January 2001, said it had been difficult for her to make friends of her own age because she didn’t have the time. She told the court how she had to travel two hours from Hampstead, London every day and had felt like a “glorified babysitter.” She said she had been to the doctor for a morning after pill “just in case”, and that the boys had “concocted the stories”. She later commented that she would “never teach again” adding she had never enjoyed her work at the Surrey school.

to express her thanks to people throughout A spokesperson at Buckingham Palace the country for their support and loyalty.” commented, “No terrorists organisation is Her tour of England will also include a going to put a kibosh on this - it’s not going visit to the Yorkshire Dales and the set of to be stopped in any way whatsoever”. television series Emmerdale. She plans to visit Australia, New Zealand, Canada and Jamaica later this month. Other events in honour of the Golden Jubilee will include a bank holiday on Monday June 3 and televised pop concert at Buckingham Palace. National newspapers have claimed the concert will include the likes of Phil Collins, Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder, Elton John and Robbie Williams. Sir Paul McCartney and Mick Jagger are also to perform on stage together for the first time ever. Security will be high on the agenda of Jubilee QUEEN ELIZABETH: On tour in Wales this summer organisers.

by Lydia Kirby DARTMOOR JAIL has been criticised by the new Chief Inspector of Prisons for allegedly keeping prisoners in cages more appropriate for dangerous animals. Anne Owers, the Chief Inspector, also said that prisoners at Dartmoor, were regularly abused and degraded by officer. She found that inmates were exercised in tiny wire mesh cages and forced to use a “walk of shame” route as they were taken to the segregation unit. Her hard-hitting report is a serious embarrassment for the Prison Service, which holds its annual conference on the theme of “Delivering Decency” next week. Martin Narey, the Director General of the Service, has since announced that he will bluntly tell prison staff at the conference that the kind of culture and attitudes found at Dartmoor will not be tolerated in future. Ms Owers details a catalogue of complaints about conditions at the prison, which has a “hard” reputation and for 200 years has been viewed as the destination for the most difficult offenders. Prison officers described inmates as “rubbish” from the rest of the jail system and a manager referred to prisoners in the segregation unit as “crap” and “shit”, the report says. Prisoners were described as vermin and as a prisoner arrived at the unit, an officer had shouted: "Another inadequate for you." In her report Ms Owers says: “We discovered a prison which was itself imprisoned in its own past and into an outdated culture of over-control and disrespect for prisoners”.

Programme until Thursday 7th February 2002. Please ring the information line for this weekend’s listings.

Monsters Inc - (U)

ADVANCE SCREENINGS - Sat 2nd & Sun 3rd February 10.00 11.00 12.00 12.30 1.00 2.00 2.30 3.00 4.00 4.30 5.00 6.00 6.30 7.00 8.30 Late Night Shows - Sat only 10.30

Film opens Fri 8th February - Book Now 10.15 11.00 11.55 12.45 1.30 2.30 3.15 4.00 5.00 5.45 6.30 8.00 8.30 Late night Shows - Fri and Sat only10.30

D.Tox - (18)

Blackhawk Down (15)

Training Day - (18)

11.40 - Daily except Sat & Sun 3.10 6.10 9.10

11.00 2.00 5.10 8.25 Late Night Shows - Fri and Sat only 11.40

11.55 3.00 5.50 9.00 Late Night Shows - Fri & Sat only 11.50

Long Time Dead (15)

Lord Of The Rings - (PG)

11.30 1.50 - Daily except Thursday 4.00 6.20 - Daily except Friday 8.50 - Daily Late Night Shows - Fri and Sat only 11.10

10.00 - Sat & Sun only 12.30 2.30 4.15 6.30 8.00 - Daily Late Night Shows - Fri & Sat only 10.20

Harry Potter & The Philosopher’s Stone - (PG) 11.15 3.00 6.30

11.55 2.45 - Daily except Sat & Sun 5.50 - Daily except Sat, Sun & Moon 9.00 - Daily except Moon

Glass House - (15)

Mulholland Drive - (15)

Shallow Hal - (12) 11.30 2.30 5.30 8.40 Late Night Shows - Fri & Sat only 11.30

Vanilla Sky - (15) 11.05 2.00 5.00 8.10 Late Night Shows - Fri & Sat only 11.10

Rat Race - (12) 11.40 6.00 8.50 - Daily 3.00 - Daily except Wednesday Late Night Shows - Fri & Sat only 11.30

Made - (15) 11.00 1.20 3.45 6.30 - Daily except Sat & Sun 9.10 Daily Late Night Show - Fri & Sat only 11.30

The Princess Diaries - (U) 10.30 12.50 - Sat & Sun only

11.00 1.20 3.50 6.20 9.00 - daily except Sat & Sun

UGC Kids Atlantis - The Lost Empire - (U) Starts 10.00 am Ends 11.35 am

Gosford Park - (15) 11.00 2.00 5.00 8.00

Monsoon Wedding - (15)

11.00 2.00 8.00 - Daily 5.30 - Daily except Thursday Late Night Show - Fri & Sat only 11.00

Thursday Morning - Senior Screen Pearl Harbour - (12) Tickets £1.70 Starts 11.00 Ends 2.00

Any screening £2.95 for students with valid NUS Card.

gairrhydd, Monday 4th February 2002

Letter of the Week The writer of this week’s Letter of the Week wins the chance to re-sit an exam with model answers in front of him. It’s alright for some. Dear Gair Rhydd, As a student of the infamous "International Finance" module, may I just take this chance to rather smugly state my glee at the opportunity presented to myself to resit the exam. Okay, this has been a cock-up of monumental proportions that left us all originally gutted. On the bright side, however, the conclusion to this episode is now in sight with the resit this Thursday. The reason for my glee is that the negative academic consequences in the "irregularities in the conduct of the examination" would appear to be zero. This is apparent as we have been legitimately advised that the resit paper will be identical to the first except for the numbers in the maths questions being altered and the true or false questions being switched. Thus, we can now all take our model answers into the exam again, and just input the new numbers. Doesn’t sound too difficult, does it? Should be enough time to finish early and get in the Taf! Cheers to Gair Rhydd for bringing this matter to public attention.

Letterdesk says: Hurray! At last a satisfied customer. You’ve got no excuse to fail to get 100% now, and when you do, spare a thought for the GR team, slaving away up here, thanklessly flying the flag for common sense and student rights.

Dear Gair Rhydd, Welsh petty minded bastards have finally beaten me into submission and have forced me to write in sheer despair. In an attempt to advertise a spare room in our rented house, I discovered that in order to do so, I had to magically learn the farcical language that is Welsh. The bilingual policy of the Union, while admirable, is merely pandering to a minority of prejudiced, jumped up Welsh speakers. So I don't speak Welsh, and yes, I decided to go to University in Cardiff, but didn't expect to encounter such

Patrick White Cardiff University School of Social Sciences

Nowhere To Go

We love you, John Keynes 3rd Year Economist Extraordinaire.

Mael Mail

the road? A: He didn't. They don't have roads. Over past decades Afghanistan and its people have been invaded by the former USSR, endured the Taliban regime and, more recently, bombed by the US. Those who have managed to survive through these events have suffered because of the decimation of the country's infrastructure (including the transport system) on which their livelihoods depend. Evidently the editorial team at GR find the suffering of thousands of innocent civilians appropriate material for ridicule. I do not. If it is addressed at all, I'm sure this will be dismissed as an 'editorial error'. However, that material such as this passed the eyes of all those involved in overseeing GR's content is unbelievable. An 'error' or 'oversight'? Perhaps. A reflection of the ignorance of those responsible, or even their morality? You, the reader, must decide.

bureaucratic hurdles at every turn. Yours, Mael Lettersdesk says: A word in your ear, Mael. Whether or not you have a valid point, when you go to a Welsh university, it’s best not to open a letter with the words “Welsh petty minded bastards.” Somehow it doesn’t have quite the ring of diplomacy required when handling such delicate matters.

I t ’s N o J o k e Dear Gair Rhydd, On page 8 of Gair Rhydd 709 you printed the following joke: Q: Why did Osama bin Laden cross

Dear Gair Rhydd, I am writing to complain about the lack of publicity that there has been surrounding the closing date for returning students to apply for places in halls. I have in past years at university, been distracted from my studies by extra curricular activities, and as a result, am currently re-taking a year, my more diligent flat-mates however have succeeded in reaching the end of their courses, and as a result I am stuck with having noone to live with. I thought it might be an idea to move back into halls for my last year, so with all my end of semester course work out of the way, went to enquire about my options, only to be told that the deadline had past, some three weeks ago, on the 7th of January. Now I realise that I am not completely blameless in this whole thing, perhaps I should have

investigated it sooner, but perhaps the University could also do something in future to make students more aware of this deadline. I’m trying hard to make up for my laziness before, only to find out that the thing I put off to finish my course-work, is now long gone. Anyway, time for plan B, if there are any gorgeous females out there looking for a house trained male to live with them, I’m game. Lots of love, Homeless (Name and address supplied)

How Low Can Yo u G o ? Dear Gair Rhydd, Yeah hi. I am not an unreasonable person nor am I intolerant of ‘far out’ student antics, but there is a line and on Friday 25th, this line was crossed. Whilst fulfiling my duties DJing at Lash, a heartless individual made this crippled man’s life a misery. I recently broke my foot and have been on crutches since, and while my back was turned, one of my crutches was stolen from the DJ booth. You tight fucker! What could you possibly want with one crutch you stinking small handed gypsy? Since then I have had to have my leg recast due to the damage caused by using only one crutch. I have also had to get a new crutch form the Heath hospital, who have asked for the return of my original crutch as it is needed for the next long-legged breakage. So, to the heartless inconsiderate freak who nicked my crutch, you know who you are. As they say in the theatre, ‘break a leg’, well I hope you break ‘em both and then I’ll come and nick your wheelchair. I am not normally angry, Doug Nicholls

Chlam-idiocy Dear Gair Rhydd,

Letters ● 7 Following the Chlamydia article in GR 709, I feel it is important to set the the record straight. Chlamydia is not a "silent killer" or a "deadly disease". It is in fact a bacterial disease and can therefore be treated by a course of antibiotics. The bacteria which course the disease are present in both semen and vaginal fluids and therefore it can be transmitted through oral, vaginal and anal sex. Unfortunately the symptoms of Chlamydia are difficult to detect. The early symptoms are discomfort and soreness when urinating, an unpleasant discharge from the penis or vagina, abdominal pain or pain during sex in women, and bleeding between periods or after sex. Unfortunately there are no clear signs that tell you you are carrying Chlamydia, but you can have a test at your G.P surgery or at G.U.M clinic in Cardiff Royal Infirmary. If left untreated it can cause infertility in both men and women, and can lead to other serious conditions. Most people believe that S.T.Ds only happen to other people. This NOT TRUE. Someone who has multiple partners and always uses a condom is less at risk than someone in a steady relationship who does not. Chlamydia is not choosy about who it infects and anyone who is sexually active is at risk, but you can reduce the risk by using condoms, the male version of which are available FREE from the S.H.A.G office. Yours faithfully, Phillippa Burns S.H.A.G President Lettersdesk says: Yeah, sorry about that. An article will be printed in the forthcoming weeks redressing the balance. In the mean time, anyone worried about the issues raised can phone the NHS Chlamydia helpline on 0800 567 123, or else visit the S.H.A.G office of the SU inside the SVUC office between one and four on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays, where trained volunteers will be on hand to offer support and advice.

Please send your letters in to us at Gair Rhydd, Students’ Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN or preferably e-mail SSUGR1@CARDIFF.AC.UK. Gair Rhydd will attempt to print any letter sent in, but apologises for those that do not make it in due to space restrictions. The views expressed in these letters are usually not those of the newspaper or the editor.

Crossword Word on the street is that last week’s puzzle contained the hardest clue ever seen on the hallowed half-page. Never let it be said that I don’t stretch you. ACROSS: 7. Caper about excitedly (6) 8. Art of soothsaying (6) 9. Type of smoked salmon (3) 10. Unreasonable fear (6) 11. Cut into (6) 12. Result of addition (3) 14. Implant (5) 17. Separate (5) 19. Take off washing line (5) 20. Ground mince (5) 23 _____ days, a long time ago (5) 26. Mineral-bearing rock (3) 28. Strenuous physical or mental exercise (6) 29. Invalidate (6) 30. Item of millinery (3) 31. Mourn (6) 32. Turning like a wheel (6)

DOWN: 1. Six feet of water (6) 2. Walk with a limp (6) 3. Map book (5) 4. General principle (5) 5. Small breakfast vessel (6) 6. Rubber (6) 13. Part of the shoe above the sole (5) 15. Prohibition (3) 16. About to arrive (3) 17. In the past (3) 18. Common conjunction (3) 21. Impart knowledge to (6) 22. Three-leaved meadow plant, used in fodder (6) 24. Papal ambassador (6) 25. Obtain by compulsion or intimidation (6) 26. Alternate (5) 27. Item put in diary (5) Get your answers to the gair rhydd office before Wednesday and the winner will be announced in the next issue. Last week’s winner was Lorna Stroud. Come and get your prize. 710’s solution: ACROSS: 1.Cheat; 4.Trinket; 8.Postman; 9.Cleft; 10.Erne; 11.New; 12.Idol; 15.Greedy; 16.Misery; 19.Arty; 21.Ivy; 22.Scab; 26.Orlop; 27.Anemone; 28.Rurally; 29.Fleet. DOWN: 1.Copse; 2.Essence; 3.Tame; 4.Tanner; 5.Inch; 6.Knead; 7.Totally; 13.Odd; 14.Gin; 15.Glamour; 17.Enclose; 18.Aviary; 20.Tiler; 23.Bleat; 24.Opal; 25.Leaf.

Name:_______________________ Email:________________________ If I were a pigeon. . . ._________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________________

This week’s winner wins a meal for two at Chillies Restaurant and Takeaway


Competitions ● 08

gairrhydd, Monday 04 February 2002

The ultimate in...


The Winners Circle Check the lists below and if your name appears, you’ve won a prize! Hurray!

King Pot Noodle These faffy fools have each won seven King Pot Noodles. Adam Lewis T.J. Clarke Simon Smale

Jay & Silent Bob These silent but deadly ones have all won a Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back beanie hat and T-shirt. Steve Hurst Adam Lewis Simon Smale Come and collect your prizes from the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Union Building. Keep entering for the BT telephones! Everything must go! What do the initials ‘BT’ stand for? A: British Telecom B: Braised Testicles C: NTL

gairrhydd Drop your answers in to the Gair Rhydd office on the fourth floor of the Students’ Union. Or you can send them to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN Alternatively, e-mail your answers and contact details to: gair_rhydd@ Win this stuff or I’ll give it to the poor.

I went to the Union and all I got was this lousy newspaper


reading a newspaper. I think. ho’s up for some wild adventure? Taking your life into your You’ll be relieved to know that these maps are ‘up-to-date and own hands and trusting your survival to the whims of fate accurate’. Which is always good. Of course, if you ask me, going and Kendal mint cake? Who wants to have a life-changing, ‘trekking’ or whatever with a map sort of defies the point. Yon crazy mind-expanding, horizon… er… embiggening experience? And who students are meant to come back from their travels all worldy-wise and wants to do it in the summer hols before term starts again? hardened by days spent fending off snakes and tigers and nights spent Of course you do! You’re young! Or possibly ‘mature’! Anyway! fighting off eleven year old ladyboys in rat infested hostels. Seems to I, that is Papa Blag, can make your zany trip to ‘find yourself’ by me that taking a map with you is a bit namby-pamby. You people need jumping into waterfalls and stuff a reality. Collins have offered y’all a set of three Collins Independent Travel Series maps, which the lucky winner toughening up, that’s what I say. Want to win a set of three Collins maps? Then do as I command! can choose him/herself from the full range of titles. Those titles are: Argentina and Chile, Australia, Brazil, Canada, China, Indian Subcontinent, Indonesia, Japan, Kenya and Tanzania, Mexico and Guatemala, New Zealand, Peru Bolivia and Ecuador, Singapore and Malaysia, South Africa, Thailand, Caribbean, USA, USA East, USA West, Venezuela Columbia and Ecuador. ... finding that you speak to the bank I particularly recommend the maps for Brazil and manager more than your Mum? Thailand. Brazil has a picture of a mad screeching lady on the front and Thailand boasts a grumpy looking man

Are you...

Win three Collins travel maps What was Indiana Jones’ weapon of choice? A: B: C:

the lead piping a whip a Robin Hood costume

Be a hero and let me know which three maps you’d like. If you dare...

Laugh yourself into drink


hink I’m the funniest person in Cardiff? You’d be forgiven for thinking so! But of course, the sky is full of stars and so is this fair Union. And Mirthland’s brightest stars are coming out to shine this semester as part of the Comedy Network Tour. In the coming weeks you can enjoy the comedy stylings of Chris Addison, Francesca Martinez, Natalie Haynes and literally five more top comics, all performing in Solus on Tuesday nights. Bizarrely, the prize this time is not free tickets to one of these comedy nights, but the chance to get riotously drunk on a crate of WKD. Which is also funny, in a disturbing sort of way. Who am I to reason the whys and wherefores of entertainment sponsorship. I am but a poor servant to humanity’s innate need to cadge free stuff off of faceless PR companies in return for little or no effort. Just tell me the punchline to this joke and win one of three crates of WKD.

Win a crate of WKD What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? If you know the answer, make me laugh until I cry by sending it to the usual address.

... the lucky owner of a record number of student loans?

If you can answer yes to the above, you need our help. Randstad Callflex specialise in recruitment for the contact centre industry. We have 60 immediate vacancies for part-time customer sales staff to work within one of the UK’s leading companies. * * * * * *

£5.00 p/h + commission City centre location Hours between 5pm and 8pm Holiday Pay from day one On-site gym Full comprehensive training

Our top performers earn up to £100 p/w in commission alone! You should have excellent communication skills, a confident nature and basic PC skills. For more information call our recruitment hotline on:

(029) 2034 2770 Randstad Callflex 15 St. David’s House Wood Street, Cardiff CF10 1ER

7 ● Classifieds

Classified Adve r tising ●

Only 10 pence per word

20 pence per CAPITALISED word

25 pence per bold word

30 pence per BOLD CAPITALISED word

£1.00 additional charge for a boxed advertisement

£2.00 additional charge for photo (box included free of charge)


Please print your Message in the box below. One word in each box. Capitalise words you want in CAPITALS. Underline words you want in bold.

TICK BOX IF BOX REQUIRED: TICK BOX IF PHOTOGRAPH REQUIRED: FOR INSERTION IN THE FOLLOWING ISSUE(S): CONTACT ADDRESS/TELEPHONE: TOTAL COST: Please circle the category you require: Personal; Services; Employment; For Sale; Wanted; Accommodation; Societies; Miscellaneous Please complete this form and return it to: Gair Rhydd, Cardiff University Students’ Union, Park Place, Cardiff CF10 3QN. All cheques should be made payable to Cardiff Union Services Ltd.

gairrhydd, Monday 4 February 2002



SHAG OFFICE HOURS: Tuesday 3-5pm and Friday 12-2pm W E L S H A F FA I R S O F F I C E R / SWYDDOG MATERION CYMRAEG: Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons 2-5pm. Contact Cerith Spooner on I N T E R N AT I O N A L S T U D E N T S ’ OFFICER : Wednesday afternoons. Contact Minelle Gholami on STUDENTS WITH DISABILITIES OFFICER: Monday 2-4pm. Contact Natasha Hirst on WOMEN’S OFFICER: Monday and Wednesday afternoons. Contact Sally Cameron Griffiths on Cameron-Griffiths LGB OFFICER: Wednesday afternoons 25pm, Wednesday afternoons. Contact James Knight on BLACK AND ETHNIC AFFAIRS OFFICER: Contact Prab Ramkumar on MATURE STUDENTS OFFICER: Contact Gareth Hiscocks on Xpress Station Manager: contact Emma Gait-Carr on

Every night between 8pm and 8am nightline is just a local telephone call or a short walk away. Here to listen. Here for you. Tel: 2038 2141 Drop-in: 148 Column Rd.

All officers (except Xpress Station Manager) can be contacted on the third floor of the Students’ Union.

Want to talk about sexuality? Or do you want information about lesbian, gay or bisexual issues? No hassle, no pressure, just a friendly ear. Ring the LGB PHONELINE on 029 2039 8903, Monday, 7.00pm-9.00pm

ACCOMMODATION HOUSE WANTED Looking for anyone who is selling a 3/4 bedroom house student house this year in the Cathays/Roath area. Cash buyer. Please contact Laura on 07812 142584 CATHAYS Room available immediately. All mod cons. Sharing with other postgrad/finalist males. Available short-term until end June 2002. Rent £173p/m (excluding bills) Negotiable. Call: 029 2091 6237

MISCELLANEOUS Coming to gr next week: New drawings section, featuring some beautiful pictures created by the hard working people of this office during times of computer trauma...thank you GS. Hi to the Kid’s mum, love gr.

It’s space filling time... The Old Jokes' home courtesy of Q: What do you call a Frenchman in sandals? A: Philippe Philoppe Jeremy Beadle has an unusually small dick. But on the other hand, it's quite big... [boom boom] Q: Stevie Wonder gets a cheese grater for Christmas. A: A Mate calls to ask if he liked it. Stevie says, "Man, that was the most violent book I ever read." Q: Where does Kylie get her kebabs from?? A: Jason's doner van Q: Guess who I bumped into at the opticians'? A: Everyone The Lostprophet who used to go out with Mike’s friend likes to dress in women’s clothing and we have seen the pictures. Well, Mike has anyway. But now he’s gone all coy and won’t tell us which member of the preening nu-metal chancers it was. Let’s just assume it’s all of them. At once. Everyone must come to the Gair Rhydd film club this Wednesday, or Jonathan Steven will come round to your house and get his butler to beat you up. Be afraid.

Cardiff University Students’ Union does not endorse or accept liability for any product/service advertised within this publication.

DON’T FORGET: The Classifieds page is the best way to sell stuff, ask for stuff, sort out a house, stitch up a mate with ‘an hilarious’ birthday photo or to make an announcement to the general populous. Use the form up there. Go on!

Wednesday and Friday Smirnoff Ice & Reef

4 bottles for £5 2 Double Vodkas and 1 can of Red Bull


From 9pm to 10.30pm

FREE CINEMA TICKET AND POPCORN Read the Gair Rhydd this week to find out how you can have a free day out at UGC Cardiff and get the chance to see classic films on the silver screen, with the launch of the Gair Rhydd Film Club. Pick up a copy in your department or in the Students Union. This week we have Grosse Point Blank being screened at 2pm on Wednesday 6th February. In association with

Launch Sponsored by

See Gair Rhydd for Terms and Conditions

Wednesday @ 2pm @ UGC Cardiff

GAMES Get martial arty with Shenmue 2

ARTS Sand clocks and flowers

FILM “the first rule of Film Club...”

Missing In Action The Lost Prophets preach to the converted Cardiff masses in the Coal Exchange Mulholland Drive • Vanilla Sky • The Chemical Brothers Twelfth Night • Driven on PS2 and GBA Inside: Get There! The ultimate guide to Cardiff and beyond!


02. GetThere Newly interactive and more pointless than ever: it can only be Get There!

04. Books

Books guru D.C provides some insightful comments about some up-and-coming literary releases.

05. Arts

Arts go on a recruitment drive for Act One and visit a Costa Rican dance show in the Chapter.

06. Games

Games get Driven round the bend (geddit?!) with Driven on the GBA and PS2.

08. Music

Music find out what the kids of today are listening to as they join the teenage moshers of Cardiff for The Lost Prophets.

10. Film

Film are awash with new films this week, including Training Day, Mulholland Drive and the sexy Mr. Cruise in Vanilla Sky.

15. TV Guide Far funnier than it has any right to be- it’s the Gair Rhydd TV guide!

GRiP Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Mike Parsons Arts Lizzie Brown and LaDonna Hall Books D.C. Gates Film Jonathan Steven Games Chris Faires Music Gemma Curtis and Maria Lane Get There Neil Krajewski TV Listings Charlotte Martyn, Some tramp, Nick Harrison GRiP needs your help! We are overworked and losing our minds. Visit our media penthouse on the 4th floor of the Union or • E-mail • Hear us speak 029 2078 1434/6


Get There

ell hello, children, and welcome once again to Get There, the only page that looks the same every week but is in fact W different! This week, we review absolutely nothing, interview no-one

and read sod all. What we can do, though, is offer you the finest set of listings known to man. This week, we suggest you get to the Union on Saturday night for a bit of Flirting. And remember, gang: Get Hip - Get There!

Off we go again with seasoned Welsh crusaders emerging from their seasonal hibernation. Postpone that sleep recovery programme and remember that in 9 weeks you’ll be condemned to the pressures of the vacation!

Union Monday 04/02

Fun Factory @ Solus 9pm-1am, free. Thousands are led astray as the Spring semester continues.

Tuesday 05/02

Comedy Club with Chris Addison 8pm, £3.50 entry with wine £4.75 a bottle.

Wednesday 06/02 Jive Hive @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50. Watch with pity as hundreds break their pathetic New Year’s pledge to abandon drinking excessively.

Thursday 07/02

80’s Nite @ Solus What more can you say really? 80 pence a pint (selected lines only mind!) and a veritable plethora of cheesy tunes to remind you of the primary school discos of yesteryear.

Friday 08/02

Lashtastic @ Solus 9pm-1am, £2.50. ‘Mega’ party night, the popularity of which is assured regardless of what I write here. The ultimate meeting point for the months when it’s too cold to trawl around the urban expanse that is Cathays!

Saturday 09/02

Flirt @ Solus 9pm-1am, Free entry The newest night to grace the hallowed Union is a veritable feast of dance Anthems and Cheesy tunes. Why pay a fiver to get into Zeus when you can get all the cheese you need with cheap booze in Solus?

Sunday 10/02

Java @ Seren Las 7.30pm, free Laid back sounds, wine and food. Decide on their order of importance for yourselves.

Clubbing Monday 04/02

Rational Thinking @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Though I’m not one to spread rumours, a little bird told me that every person that goes to the End for a night out turns into a complete twat by the next morning. Not sure if it’s true, but worth considering, eh? Big Jugs @ Bar Med ‘Til 11.30pm. Ugly, sad and single? This night’s for you! Guru Vibrations @ Berlins 9pm-2am. Soul, funk, hip-hop and, er, 80’s. NUS only. Why bother? One Mission @ Cafe Calcio 8pm til late. Cracking night, cracking venue. Cheese on Toast @ Cuba 9pm-2am, Free b4 10pm. Better than Zeus. MAD @ Dylan’s 8pm-1am. Rated Cardiff’s best by Zeus, you only need stand outside and look what’s next door to find out why. Exit Club 8pm. Free entry before 9.30pm. Gay venue. Chart and Dance. Original, eh? Student ‘Night Fever’ @ Flares Til 2am. £1 drinks all night. Suggs hosts edition of crap karaoke quiz show in Cardiff theme pub. Possibly. Salsa Classes @ Latino’s Classes from 7.30pm, disco 10pm til midnight. Surprisingly good fun. All abilities catered for. Universal @ Liquid

9.30pm-2am. Student night, £1 a pint. Live Music @ The Toucan Club See Live Music. Obviously. DJ Mix Selector @ Sam’s Bar £2-£5 entry. Great for anybody who likes watching stoned 17 year olds attempt to mix. Come Play @ Emporium 9pm, £3 entry with many drinks offers Solus exile, Disco Stu, joins the party to offer an array of funky disco and chart classics Retro Night @ The Roxy Free entry. Retro music played in a club, one presumes. Oh, the joys of blatant sarcasm! Vodbull UK @ Zeus 8.30pm, £3 entry offers early start and yields cheap vodka and red bull.

Tuesday 05/02

Electromagnetic @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. Positive vibe hop-hop / pre-gangster rap / battle breaks / electro funk. Absolutely splendiferous night, worth two quid of anyones money. Which is just as well, as that’s what it costs to get in! Rock Inferno @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 9pm-2am. £2.50. Ifor Bach complies with convention and offers its own prescription of metal for the masses. Hoochy Koochy @ The Emporium 9pm-2am, £1 b4 10pm/£2. Student madness, courtesy of the amusingly named Jockstrap 5. Salsa night @ Cuba 8pm-2am, £4. Salsa classes from 8pm, disco afterwards. Great fun with a really friendly crowd. School Disco @ Liquid From N-Trance to this. Go Figure! Pulse @ Zeus Teens, tunes and terror. This week with corporate sponsorship as an added deterrent. Alternative Beats @ The End... 8pm-11pm. Another night of total pish at The End, with ‘choons’ from the naffly named DJ Pete the order of the day. Exit Club 8pm. Free before 9.30pm. Gay Venue. Chart and Dance. Who’d have thunk it?!? Singles Night @ Life Looking for love? Try this. 2-4-1 Night @ Flares Does what it says on the tin. Badly. Offya Face @ Metros 9pm-2am, £2 b4 10.30pm. Alternative NUS night. Its sweaty, its smelly, its dingy and its actually great fun! Karaoke @ Reds Has it really come to this? Apparently so, as the bastion of utter crap that is Reds launches a karaoke night. It is hard to think of anything worse, with the possible exception of drinking neat napalm. Or going to Zeus. Latin Dance Party @ The Toucan 8.30pm-2am. Latin music, dancing, party vibe. Obviously. Alternative @ Sam’s Bar £2 - £5. Live music from local bands plus alternative indie and retro from resident DJ’s. The Magnificent Bar @ Bar Med Everything £1.50 all night. Beware that this fact alone might not justify the name magnificent.

Wednesday 06/02

The Cheesey Club / The Milky Bar / Popscene @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9.30pm-2am. £2/£2.50 after 11pm. A veritable melting pot of great music, local rivalries and Welsh music celebrities. Spread out over three floors, its technically possible to get through the whole night without seeing a single member of Tommy & the Chauffer, but highly unlikely. Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late bar, drinks promotions, painfully average. Shooters and Slammers Party Night @ Bar Med Theme night, where you get to shoot the retarded fuck-wits that drink here with a large gun, then slam their heads repeatedly into the bar. Maybe. J Magick @ Berlins, £3 This sounds significant, but I’m not altogether sure. Cross the Tracks @ Cuba 9pm-2am, free entry. New(ish) night, with the Hustler seal of approval. Soul, funk and Old Skool are the order of the day. Sounds good, and the flyers are ace. Check it out. Down to It @ Berlins 9pm-2am. I’d rather not, thanks. Ever. Uni-Sex @ Club X 10pm-2am. Gay Venue. Student Night, worth a mention if only for the highly amusing name.

Toucan Acoustic Sessions @ Toucan Club 8pm-2am. Open mic, hosted by Little Miracle. Entry gets you into the chilled DJ happenings in the downstairs lounge, too. Perfect for a relaxed midweek night out. The Boogie Box @ Flares Karaoke. ‘Nuff said. Latin Night @ Life Bar Cafe 2-4-1 drinks offers and dancing. National Student Night @ Evolution 9.30pm-2am. Carlsberg £1, all spirits £1, all other drinks £1.50. Simple, but no doubt quite effective. Wipeout @ Reds Bob Monkhouse hosts popular daytime quiz in Cardiff bar. Maybe. Handbag 120 @ Zeus 9pm-2am. Utterly evil.

Thursday 07/02

Student Night @ Bar Ice 9pm-2am. Late night bar and drinks offers. Hard House @ The End... DJ Jomec does the honours. Disco Inferno @ Zeus 9pm-2am, £3/£2 NUS, 70s stuff. Truly, truly horrific. Big In Japan @ Clwb Ifor Bach 9pm-2am. The coolest Japanese thing this side of Banzai. Cracking tunes, cool clientelle and a permanent in Clwb Ifor. Corking night all round. Plush @ Emporium £3 /£2. Anything with a groove, says the press release, and they’re not far wrong. Sexy, sassy and really too good for a Thursday, Plush truly is a top night for those who like their R ‘n’ B, garage and house slinky and sexy. Of course, if you’re a big Sisters of Mercy fan, you should give it a miss. From the Hip @ Incognito 8pm-1am. House and Dance. Old School Funk @ Is It? Cafe. Bar. Place Open til 1am. Yup, readers, you read it correctly! An ‘Old Skool’ night in this wine bar. Not exactly street, is it? Soul Power @ Liquid 9pm-2am. Soul and R & B, with Trevor Nelson every other week. A more extensive, and far less effective, version of Plush. Free Hip Hop Party @ Toucan With Ruff Style and likely to be marvellous for reasons beyond the entry fee. Spellbound @ Metros 9pm-2am. 2-4-1 cocktails, metal early on, then indie classics. Arrive after 11pm, then, and it should be a right laugh. Hooray! Cabaret @ Minsky’s Show Bar Cabaret is the order of the day, usually courtesy of camp men dressed as women. Great fun, actually. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that Noel ‘All Man’ Sullivan of Hear’Say used to work here. Nudge nudge, wink wink etc... Student Night @ Oz Bar 9pm-1am. Dance music, £1 entry. Probably shit. Karaoke @ Reds 9pm-2am. Great. Alternative Student Night @ The Roxy 10pm-2am. Another night clinging on to the word ‘alternative’, as if it makes any piss poor cobbled together event worth a look. It doesn’t. As The Strokes sort of said, This Is Shit. Critical Breaks and Ascension @ Clwb Ifor Bach (Top Floor) 10pm-2am. Drum and Bass and Old Skool, £2.50 Featuring Dj’s Active, Toffster, Dexter, MDJ and Raj.

Friday 08/02

Precinct @ Clwb Ifor Bach 10pm, £8/£6. Adam F continues his bout of anti-acoustic warfare and is joined by Harry Love. A night surely good enough to warrant excusing Hustler for booking the ridiculously named ‘MC MC.’ Bar 150 @ Zeus 9pm-3am. Favourite party choons and games. US Garage @ The End... 8pm-11pm, With DJ Gavin. Great. Fever @ Barfly DJ Mike with a selection of indie classics. Not bad at all, actually, if a bit cramped. Oh yeah – watch you don’t get your ear bitten off walking home, either. ROAR Featuring Signum and John 00 Fleming @ Vision 2K Launch night for the Euphoria album brings familiar names back to Cardiff. Foreplay @ Club X 10pm-3am. Gay Venue. Chart and ‘pumping’ house. Weekend Madness @ Cuba Til 2am. Red hot Latin grooves, by all accounts. Chaos @ Metros 9pm-3am, alternative student night. No dress code, cheap booze and good tunes. Tops!

booksreviews Cult Classic: Earthly Powers (Anthony Burgess, 1980)


ET’S FACE it: books are too long. Compared to the idiom of television, where the absorption of information by the viewer can be almost instantaneous, the printed word requires patience, concentration and motivation. After all, if you want to read a chapter of a book, it is not presented to you three times a week at the same hour and for a limited allotment of time. Unfortunately for television, most of it is absolute shite. Books, on the other hand, rule (apart from the ones that share the shite with television). But even great books can be difficult, especially if they are too long. An exception to this would be Earthly Powers, a gigantic book just shy of seven hundred words. Considered to be Anthony Burgess’ masterpiece, it distils elements and themes that occur in most of his novels, delivering a complex, riveting narrative. Earthly Powers is presented as the memoirs of Kenneth Toomey, mainstream novelist and playwright, covering six decades of his long and unusually full life. Whilst in Paris Toomey encounters Carlo and Domenico Campanati, two brothers, the

occupation. The story takes in failed rescue attempts, cannibal Eucharists, numerous drunken encounters and meetings with an exhaustive amount of literary figures, both real and fictional. And all through the novel our hero must wrestle with his the two great problems of his life: his troubled faith and his homosexuality. In writing from the position of a gay man who has spent most of his life in a position of persecuted secrecy, Burgess has not merely added a new twist to an already complex novel. It is impossible to imagine Earthly Powers without Toomey’s sexuality. If it is used for a literary purpose, the fact of the protagonist’s homosexuality is that it adds another layer of alienation to Toomey’s life - he is considered a lowbrow and unworthy writer, he is a lapsed Catholic amongst the faithful, and constantly feels a longing for a ‘home’ which has never existed. Burgess writes with sensitivity, totally immersing the reader in his narrator’s personality. As with most of his mature works, he voices large parts of his own opinions through the narration, but yet distances himself from ever allowing a Considered to be Anthony Burgess’ character to be masterpiece,Earthly Powers distils autobiographical elements and themes from his other novels into a complex, riveting narrative when events mirror those of his own life there is a subtlety former a priest, the latter a composer - a that prevents any direct association from meeting which will determine the events of being made. However, despite this subtle the entire novel. Domenico marries approach, whilst avoiding gratuity the author Toomey’s sister, Hortense, and Carlo begins makes no attempt to shield the reader from on a journey of ecclesiastical promotion that any graphic details; cases in point being an will eventually see him become Pope. In STD ward in Malaysia and a recently between the present (when the book liberated concentration camp, both begins) and this meeting Toomey travels all passages fascinating but horrible. over the world, including Twenties Paris, The main problem with Earthly Powers is Nazi Germany, post-war America and an its sheer size. For sure, it is a brilliant and Africa, still unsure of itself after colonial compelling novel. However, the amount of

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04 This week’s bestselling books... 1: Billy Pamela Stephenson 2: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone J. K. Rowling 3: Cardiff Then and Now B. Lee

BURGESS: Considers methods of revenge on Books

concentration that is demanded from the reader can be a strain; by the time I was half way through, a character from an earlier chapter had reappeared, but I only had a faint idea of his significance. However, this confusion does support the premise of the book, being over sixty years of life recalled, sometimes hazily, but an eighty-one year old man - an impression of a long life in all its swirling uncertainties. And as always, Burgess takes the liberty of assuming that his readers are as literate as he - how many novels actually require the reader to know who Wyndham Lewis was? - but after a while this doesn’t become a problem. Although certainly possessed of a humour both gentle and caustic, reading Earthly Powers is ultimately a sobering experience, and you should not expect an easy ending. All the same, reading it is extremely rewarding, especially if you have read other books by Burgess. Altogether, it is a fantastic novel, worth picking up merely for its infamous opening sentence alone. It might not change your life (unless a hardback copy fell out of tree onto your head), but Earthly Powers is an inspiring and worthwhile read, worthy of a place on any bookshelf. David Gates

4: Universe in a Nutshell Stephen Hawking 5: Last Hero Terry Pratchett 6: Amazing Maurice Terry Pratchett 7: Botham’s Century Ian Botham 8: Mad World: My Masters J. Simpson 9: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets J.K. Rowling 10: Truth Terry Pratchett

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Costa Rican cavorters The multi cultural music used throughout symbolises the cosmopolitan nature of central America

THE SAND-CLOCK AND THE FLOWER Diquis Tiquis Chapter Arts Centre


HE PERFORMING DUO ‘Diquis Tiquis’ (‘Costa Rica’) premiered their production of ‘Reloj de Arend y Flor’ – ‘The Sand Clock and Flower’ in the UK at Chapter Arts last week. Through a medium of dance, mime and theatre, ‘Diquis Tiquis’, alias Alejandro Tosatti and Sandra Trejos, who have been working together since March 1983, gave their unique performance. The set was very minimalist with Tosatti and Trejos dressed in simple, while

costumes holding white lilies and red roses. An old travelling trunk was used as a prop and lighting was cleverly manipulated to alter the mood of the piece. Religious and cultural themes occur throughout. In one sequence, a dance slowly takes place across the stage which mirrors the religious festivals or ‘masquerades’ of central America. Like these Catholic festivals, either dedicated to a saint or the Virgin Mary, ‘Diquis Tiquis’ use dance as a means of expressing spirituality. Their white lilies represent death and their red roses represent marriage. Alejandro’s costume and the travelling trunk belonged to his father and grandfather, which show how we can be influenced by previous generations. The multi-cultural music utilised throughout is meant to symbolise the cosmopolitan nature of central America. The work uses and is influenced by music from Africa to Spain and from the seventeenth century to the present day. While this goes some way to explaining the piece, the meaning is largely left to the imagination of the audience. ‘Diquis Tiquis’, who also delighted Chapter audiences in 1998 with their Shy Shining Walls, enjoy keeping the message of the performance to themselves. The work is intentionally mysterious and

Act One News DID YOU SEE the panto and just love it? Wasn’t Popcorn fabulous? Did you think you’d missed out on all the fun? Stop! Don’t panic! It’s not too late. You have one more chance to join Act One. Although it’s too late to act in any plays there are still plenty of other ways to get involved, and we DO need you. Have you ever thought of directing but don’t know where to start? If the answer is yes then come along to our directors workshop on 2 March, for a push in the right direction (watch this space for more info). Have you ever written a film script or wanted to make a film, but don’t have the resources? We want you too! We are constantly looking for new films to make and have all the equipment you might need. Considering applying to drama school but could do with some guidance? Help is at hand. Come to our ‘drama school application help day’ (what a mouthful!) on 27 February (again, watch this space for more info). An experienced professional from the Welsh College of Music and Drama will be on hand to offer constructive advice and answer any questions you may have. Fancy a good drinking session with a load of alcoholic pissheads? Come along to our frequent pub golf sessions, or for something a little more glam, the Act One ball, on 18 March, in the Angel Hotel. So there really is something for everyone. But you do have to be a member to partake in any of the above (apart from drinking with piss-heads which most of you probably do anyway). If you are not already a member then visit our stand at the refreshers fayre in the Great Hall, on Thursday 7 February to join. On a slightly separate note, are looking to recruit one or two people to help publicise the forthcoming production of ‘The Wind In The Willows’. They would be needed from around the 25 February until the last performance on the 9 March. Those members interested please e-mail your name and number to Emily at

FOR MORE DETAILS on any of the above events please see the Act One website @ or email us at

unclear. Bizarrely humourous, atmospheric and visually striking, the Chapter Arts February Programme comments that ‘Diquis Tiquis’ “melt together an unusual mix of mime and dance and theatre into the subtle realms of imagination and surreal beauty”. Elizabeth Ireland

La Cage aux Folles New Theatre


A CAGE AUX FOLLES, if you aren’t confident with your French, loosely translates as ‘The Cage of Birds’. This is a sombre title, for a sparkling, funny and transvestite sprinkled musical! In between the incredible dance routines, reminiscent of the colourful Frank Sinatra films on a Sunday afternoon, we delve into the personal lives of Albin (played by Ian Casey), the cabaret show’s most popular transvestite, and his long time partner and master of the show, Georges, played by Jeremy Hobbs.

TWELFTH NIGHT Sherman Theatre THE PRODUCTION of Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night performed by Mappa Mundi interestingly marked not only the group’s return to the stage after a four year absence, but the 400th anniversary of the first ever performance of the play. Personally, I don’t think Shakespeare could have wished for a better tribute to mark such a landmark event. Mappa Mundi’s Twelfth Night is fast and furious, but the pace does not get in the way of the performance as the dialogue is clearly spoken throughout, leaving absolutely no confusion as to what is going on at any time. The delivery is punctuated by music specially composed by Peter Knight which only adds to the effect created by the powerhouse performances given by the vast majority of the cast, all of whom have impressive theatre, television and film credits to their names. Lloyd Llewellyn-Jones, also the Production Designer, plays Malvolio to pompous and pedantic perfection and is without question the star of the show. From the moment of his first entrance, he steals every scene he is in, with the exception of one in which Sweep (yes, Sooty’s sidekick) makes an interesting cameo. He is ably supported by Rhodri Hugh and Tony Wadham as drunken carousers Sir Toby Belch and Sir Andrew Aguecheek in cahoots with Keiron Self as Feste. The strongest female performance is provided by Kath Dimery as Maria, although Beth Robert’s Olivia comes a close second. The weakest link in this stellar chain is Cler Stephens as Viola/Cesario, who doesn’t seem to be in on the joke that the rest of the cast are sharing so brilliantly. Since Viola is supposedly the main character, this could have been a fatal weakness, but since her performance is surrounded by so many other stronger ones, it almost ceases to matter. Eye candy is provided by both Robert Gwyndaf as Orsino, with shades of Joseph Fiennes in Shakespeare in Love, and Ceris Jones as Sebastian, so even if Shakespeare isn’t exactly your thing, these two will make it worth sitting through. A funny, fantastic and unforgettable performance. Jane Eyre

The storyline revolves around Albin and Georges’ son, Jean Michel, getting engaged. The problem is that his prospective father-in-law is a politician trying to close down all transvestite clubs in France. As you can guess, the plot involves trying to make the family’s home look ‘normal’ and getting Albin to act straight! Though the storyline is a little tired it still manages manipulate the audience into the tears and laughter that make the musical so wonderful to watch. The stage at the New Theatre is the perfect setting for this musical, making it ever more so evocative of the Golden Age of Hollywood when Frank Sinatra or Doris Day would glide across the floor. The musical is exactly that, and you find yourself faced with a song every acts. time a character needs to express an Although Julie Goodyear (Bet from emotion. The highlight of the songs has Corrie) is in the play, she doesn’t make to be the rendition of a classic gay many appearances, and the star of the anthem, I won’t disclose what it is, just play has to be Jacob, the French maid, listen out for it! Unfortunately there is a played by Donovan Cary. He fizzes and down side to production’s score Be prepared for the can-can, a – several of the jungle scene with a masochistic songs get transvestite and other repeated too flamboyant, feathery, sequinned many times acts throughout the play. This can get tiresome, but on the positive side by the sparkles on the stage, and you’ll find end of the musical you can sing along yourself grinning before he has even with the cast. spoken. This play is definitely worth If there is one reason to go to La seeing, if not for its narrative, then Cage aux Folles it is to see the fabulous purely for the giggles and showgirl dance routines. Prepare yourself for the dances. It’s entertaining, glittery and guaranteed to make you leave the can-can, a jungle scene with a theatre with a smile. masochistic transvestite and various Natasha Hettihewa other flamboyant, feathery, sequinned



S w e e t d re a m s a re made of this...

Chemical Brothers. Dave Pothecary

BIFFY CLYRO 57 (Beggars Banquet)

‘I DON’T believe in love anymore,’ snarls Biffy Clyro singer Simon Neil over slabs of pummelling guitar, before the song takes off into a fantastically energetic chorus destined to be the first mosh anthem of 2002. Proving that Biffy are more than mere crowd pleasers, b-sides Hope For An Angel and - seriously - Time As An Imploding Unit / Waiting For Green, are, respectively, a touchingly wistful ballad and a ten-minute post-rock epic which, around the sixminute mark, turns into Seafood’s FSCII/The Quiet. ‘This music’s for you’ croons Neil; why, thank-you kindly, sir. Alex Macpherson


(Music For Nations)

Elbow: Cafe calls...

ELBOW Asleep In The Back (Virgin)


sleep In The Back does not feature on Elbow’s acclaimed debut album of the same name. It does, however, share many of the same impressive, multi-layered, hypnotic qualities of it. Guy Garvey’s voice remains floating in a void of angelic delights and smoothed-downat-the-edge gruffness. He still sings of the same love induced trauma, with lyrical fragility

CUSTOM BLUE EP One (Universal Island)

ALEX PILKINGTON and Simon Shippey were two singer-songwriters who decided to jump on the chillout bandwagon, except they’re riding it pretty well. Being songwriters probably helped them write tunes which actually feature a bit of emotion and melody. The four tracks on this EP already show a breadth of maturity and sound beyond their experience. Large doses of classical guitar with cliched soothing sounds of nature might make it sound like one of those typical ‘New Age’ relaxation tapes but the vocals

that searches for reassurance. Deep harmony’s giving way to a soar of a chorus, and a twinkling piano and immodest brass section point towards something quite different though. A less tortured, nearly out of the dark undercurrent has a hopeful essence greater than the relative grimness of previous material. Melancholy does not mean the same as misery, just as a pop ‘delight’ does not assume choreographed dancing and squeaky-clean youth members. Elbow just prove a gem of a tune is just that, with or without bells on it. Gemma Curtis give the songs a focus to stop them from just disappearing into the background. The release of the album in March should be interesting. Pauline Cheung

CHEMICAL BROTHERS Star Guitar (Virgin)

WHAT CAN you say about the latest from Britain’s finest indie-dance protagonists? ‘Swooshy’ is probably the best word. Ethereal vocals and synths laid over classic Balearic beats. Very nice, if you like that sort of thing, but not really anything you could call classic

A bit of a treat for the singles page this week. MUSIC have broken the mould to offer you the chance to win lots and lots of desperately exciting prizes. Read on for the opportunity of your gig-going lives, to see everyones’ favourite skinnytied rock and roll young pups The Strokes... FOLLOWING THE massive success of The Strokes in 2001 (a number one album, top 20 single and sell out uk tour), the band are returning to our shores in February and March to play a series of live shows: Sat 23/2 LEEDS University Sun 24/2 BIRMINGHAM Academy Fri 22/3 GLASGOW Barrowlands Sat 23/3 EDINBURGH Corn Exchange Mon 25/3 MANCHESTER Apollo Tues 26/3 CAMBRIDGE Corn Exchange

FAN’S LOOKING for Anathema’s return to their original heavy doom-metal sound may be very disappointed indeed. Even I was disappointed and I’d never heard any of their stuff. They’ve been around for 12 years which is probably too long. Having Nick Griffiths (Pink Floyd, Joy Division) as their producer doesn’t have seemed to have helped much. Certainly it’s prog rock, and tries to be epic with it’s piano and swirling guitar squalls but only manages boring. Pauline Cheung


AFTER RECENT attempts at angst, Miss Imbruglia now returns to the slightly more upbeat pop ballad. Flimsy as ever, this song will appeal to those who appreciate ‘middle of the road’ and desperately average songs accompanied by breathy vocals. Someone should explain to her that trying to play the innocent, naive card after you’re 30 is quite embarrassing. “Didn’t wanna leave you with the wrong impression” she sweetly sings. Really? You could’ve fooled us. Her worse single to date. Gemma Jones

ED HARDCOURT Apple of My Eye (Heavenly)

ED HARCOURT should be a household name by now. Though considerably developing his media persona with the nomination of his sumptuous Here Be Monsters album at the Mercury Awards, it is not yet as magnified as it should be.

Although not a definable moment of the LP, Apple Of My Eye is a jaunty single contribution, lightening the ‘serious artiste’ badge that the music press have pinned firmly to his solo artist overcoat. Distinguished reedy vocals, and a top dog banging out of a classic piano backdrop, Harcourt manages the balance between genres with considerable ease. A most admirable skill, and the bonus of a considerably catchy chorus. Hate to say this, but in the words of Jazz Club – ‘nice.’ Gemma Curtis


(Elecktra / Eastwest) STAIND’S FIRST single, It’s Been a While, was the official break-up anthem for boring middle class fifteen year old suburban nonentities. Now we’re on the third single, and unless you are so monumentally tragic that you’ve got through another two girlfriends or boyfriends in the last five months, there is absolutely no excuse for buying this dirge. Key lyrics include “I’m fucked up because you are”. Yeah, like whatever. John Widdop

COOPER TEMPLE CLAUSE Film Maker/Been Training Dogs (Morning)

AND SO the record label responsible for Westlife decided to put out a record about attempted murder and stalking, sung by Liam Gallagher on speed to a Clash rhythm section and a King Adora riff. Unfortunately, back-up single Been Training Dogs, complete with introductory Metallica guitars, lacks the originality and momentum of Film-Maker but no doubt these are seriously dangerous dogs. This must be single of the month. Best served with a quadruple whisky and coke (number of grams purely optional). Dave Gibson

HELL IS FOR HEROES You Drove Me To It (Wisakismo)

A BIT of a rarity this, it might become a bit of a cult item in the future. Like those medieval houses that get restored to their former glory and lumped into one area of the countryside, there will soon be sections in record shops dedicated to British rock bands who actually sound British. It’s a dying breed, guys, and whilst HIFH really aren’t likely to shift many units in the black (hoodie) market, the three tracks here retain the same quaint nostalgic riff-rock that made Symposium and Three Colours Red great in their day. Only with fully developed middle fingers, this time. John Widdop

Thurs 28/3 LONDON, Brixton Academy Fri 29/3 LONDON, Brixton Academy No prizes for guessing these are the hottest tickets in town and all the shows are already totally sold out. But don’t give up hope just yet, because Cool Delta / Rough Trade Records are giving one lucky fan (plus a friend) the opportunity to catch The Strokes play at their London date. The prize includes travel and accommodation expenses plus tickets to the gig on the 28th March. And as if that wasn’t enough there will be runners up prizes as well (signed albums, posters, t-shirts)! To enter just email: with the answer to the following question: Who is JP Bowersock in relation to the band? The closing date for entries is 1st March 2002. Please also include your full contact details (address, tel no) plus your age.

THE STROKES: ‘Geeza! come see us in London village! Sorted!’

The Strokes: London City Calls!



HAVEN Between The Senses

HAVEN: next big thing?



HE LAST couple of years have been turning point for the indie scene in Britain. After the final death throws of Brit-pop in late 96/early 97, and the barren years that followed it, the rise firstly of Travis and Coldplay, followed by last years successful introduction of the likes of Starsailor and Elbow to the fold, has been something of a renaissance for British music. It’s on the back of this new found confidence and talent that the latest ‘next big things’ Haven, enter the fray. Discovered gigging in Cornwall by The Smiths manager, Joe Moss, Haven have spent the last year touring, have released a couple of singles and generated a considerable amount of hype. Now based in Manchester, the Smiths connection has been yet furthered, with legendary Smiths guitarist Johnny Marr drafted in to produce Between The Senses, and media expectations are high, perhaps a little too high. As albums go, Between The Senses is by no means a dud, twelve well-written, wellproduced tracks of gentle lyrics and floating guitars, it is certainly an enjoyable listen. But in a scene that has grown and developed so rapidly over the last couple of years, Haven seem to have been left behind a little, and as a result, however well it is done, this album does not really break any new ground. This is perhaps most obvious on tracks such as Let It Live and Is This Bliss, both reminiscent of the sad and gentle sound of Puressence, while singer Gary Briggs’ voice brings to mind memories of Geneva and JJ72. Perhaps this is a little harsh, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this album, but after the months of hype of the ‘life-changing’ variety, it’s almost as if Haven are fighting a losing battle to keep up with expectations that are completely out of their control. With Between The Senses, Haven have

ELECTRIC SOFT PARADE Holes In The Wall (db records)

proved their capability, and have gone some way to justifying the many fine things predicted of them in the music press. This album houses a number of fine songs, lilting opener Beautiful Thing and the acoustic calm of Lately are both

stand out tracks, but whether it is destined to become a classic or merely remain a good record is going to be a deeply personal thing, and something only time will tell. Rob Jackson

Show me Haven

LEON WARE Leon Ware (Elecktra)

HERE LIES the wannabe motown artist who never quite managed motown signing. Although his biography – same school as Stevie Wonder and past collaboration with Marvin Gaye – would suggest uncapitalised talent, Ware has always been the substitute who never made it off the bench. With tight brass sections, wah wah guitar and charismatic vocals, this greatest hits album is a quick-buck blast from the funky past. The soulful excellence of Lost In Love With You and Why I Came To California suggest credibility comparable to his old school chum Stevie Wonder. Sadly though, too much chaff exists among the highlights. Indeed, the less discerning listener would be quickly forgiven for assuming that the cheesily over-produced, thickly-layered Can I Touch You? was an early Take That release. That said, the gold nuggets nestled within the sifting pan of dirt make it a clearly worthwhile audio experience, and no mistake. Andrew Davidson

TEARS IN X-RAY EYES Half-Life (Test Tube)

TIM CLOSS may not be the most inspiring rock’n’roll name, but it’s no excuse to record under a pseudonym as ludicrous as Tears In X-Ray Eyes. Predictably, we’re in indieschmindie mumbling territory here, with only a trusty acoustic guitar and occasional Casio keyboard effects for company; less predictably, it’s not as bad as evidence would suggest. Nature’s Valentines, built around a woozy, robotic lo-fi loop and screeching strings, is glacially disturbing, whilst Wish The World Away is almost ridiculously pretty. The unexpectedly forthright Keep Us Together is the highlight, though; reminiscent of Stina Nordenstam at her

dancefloor rather than the radio. With expansive production, such as seen on previous tracks Let Forever Be and Block Rocking Beats, taking a back seat, a more stripped sound takes centre stage. With fewer samples, and much heavier use of sequencers and drum machines, there is an ‘old-skool’ feel to this record, reflecting the current retrospective stance in dance music: looking back to the rave scene of the early 90s for inspiration. Other influences come through though. In many places, this album is reminiscent of Radiohead’s Kid A, and in others, especially on track 7, The State We’re In, there are echoes of Bristolian trip-hop, such as Portishead and Massive Attack. However, the main thrust of this album is firmly into shaking booty on the floor of a club. In going back to their roots, the chemicals have returned to doing what they always did best; making some damn fine dance music. Dave Pothecary

most bleak, buzzing, distorted guitars and industrial beats back a propulsive vocal filled with sheer dread. It’s a mood which colours most of Half-Life: ‘There is no sunlight, there is just electric light’ sings Closs on the title track, his disillusionment about modern life rivalling Thom Yorke’s. It’s unfortunate, then, that his lyrics suggest not a man whose disillusion is based on observation and experience, but a indie kid who’s spent too much time in their bedroom with Radiohead on loop. On occasion, the odd phrase as laughably meaningless as Closs’ moniker crops up (‘the hairspray angel, he told me what to do’). Neither does it help that Closs spends far too much time trying to force his limited voice into Brett Anderson-style dramatics. It was Don Henley who stated that “if you’re going to write songs,

you’ve got to have a life.” There’s certainly talent here, reflected in fragile melodies and perfectly judged moods, but to develop it Closs really needs to get out more. Alex Macpherson


THE NEW Chemical Brothers album is a source of concern to me. The whole thing seems less aggressive. Even the title seems less of an order and more of a request than 2000’s Surrender. Although the outright aggression has moved out of the foreground, we have been left with a record that has been written for the

FUGU Fugu1

(Lei D’ailleurs) HAVING TOURED with Stereolab and put out their first release seven years ago, it’s surprising French band Fugu haven’t really been picked up by the media before now. Following in the footsteps of our favourite French artists, Daft Punk and Air, Fugu are very retro, creating a bizarre fusion of baroque instrumentals, psychedelic sixties pop vocals, and more than a glimpse back to the early nineties circa My Life Story. The bilingual album sounds strangely like a number of our local favourites, in particular borrowing pretty Gorky’s vocals for Sol Y Sombra, a duet with Stereolab’s Laetitia Sadier. Mehdi Zannad, the band’s sole member and instrumental genius, is undoubtedly talented, as tracks such as

FUGU: retro-chic?

YOUNG BUCKS The Electric Soft Parade have got quite some hype to live up to. With the NME touting the album as the most impressive debut of the year (already, but take note we’re only in January), the two brothers face something of a pre-determined hurdle. Luckily it seems that they have remained unaffected by any media pressures, and haven’t been subjected to any nudging, discreet or otherwise, by their record company in any certain direction. Because Holes In The Wall is undoubtedly the moody, aggressively engineered post-adolescent pop-rock album that Tom and Alex White always planned to make. And thank goodness. With an impressive guitar-based variance within the 12 tracks, the debut similarly reflects the best bits of the boys live shows. Sullen, begrudging singles, Empty At The End and There’s A Silence wrap themselves up in fuzzy guitars and unconventional vocals suggesting a move away from a pop angle. But neither overrules the other aspect, and the combination luckily achieves the desired effect; impressive, instantly likeable tunes, on and on, one after the other. Why Do You Try So Hard To Make Me, fully realises the grim bitterness of fresh-faced angst, whilst Biting The Soles Of My Feet, with its exaggerated squalling guitar and electronica blips, hooky line and an extended central musical indulgements climbs another rung in the variety ladder. Like youthful top-shot predecessors such as Ash and Supergrass, The Electric Soft Parade fully exploit the benefits of heart on the sleeve latter teen truthfulness and blazing enthusiasm. Not quite so sure about debut of the year, but definitely further promise of guitar bands being back up to speed, leaving no gaps in the musical construction. Gemma Curtis Ondulations, which sounds like the Beach Boys sitting around a campfire watching the sun go down, the beautifully melancholy Grand Celesta, and Baragan, which can only be described as Lennon at his most narcoticfuelled, testify. If there is one criticism to be made of Fugu1, though, it has to be that it is far too long, and padded out with meandering instrumentals, ‘Rod, Jane and Freddy’ style bland pop songs and bizarre effects (note the untitled track 13, which features the looped sound of a baby crying). I wouldn’t say this album is bad, and there are a couple of great tracks, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it disappears into the depths of my cd collection and doesn’t rear its head for quite some time. Maria Lane


08 LOST PROPHETS Coal Exchange

PICS: Mike Parsons

LOST PROPHETS: sweaty...

IT’S A strange concoction of oestrogen and testosterone that hits the nostrils when entering the Coal Exchange, for tonight the schoolchildren are out in force to mosh to their favourite local nu-heroes Lost Prophets. In fact they’d mosh to anything louder than a door shutting but that’s not the issue, because they make the perfect audience for the Prophets, who are openly idolised and devil-horned. The band get off to a bit of a patchy start, it’s hard to decipher the tunes in their first few numbers which creates a worrying danger that the LPs might just be a clattering mass of guitar noise to jump around and get sweaty to. Thankfully, a couple of songs in, the melody is established as a blatant feature of the set. The Fake Sound of Progress is ridiculously catchy, responsible for countless kilojoules

of teenage energy spent in the writhing moshpit, which extends to almost half of the venue, and Kobrakai funks along nicely in an early Chillies sort of way. From then on the tunes come thick and fast, it’s easy to see why sections of the media have taken a second glance. Frontman Ian Watkins couldn’t be more suited to his position. He holds melody well, refusing to resort to simplistic bellowing and screaming like so many of his peers (and the warm up act Jarcrew). On top of this he is handsome in a nu-cute kind of way, doubtlessly many young ladies in the crowd were applying their A-level troubled brains to the problem of removing those baggy buckled trousers. Not now girls, his Mum’s on the balcony. Tonight has demonstrated that the Lost Prophets certainly have something to offer the ever-expanding nu-metal genre, as well as being a hot, sweaty, moshing rock-out for you and your little brother, with enough beer spilled to keep an army of props pissed for a week. Jamie Fullerton

Prophet and mosh... CARDIFF HAS many nights dedicated to Drum n Bass, most of the clubs in the area have nights filled with fast funky bass lines and huge beats. So what’s so special about the new night Critical Breaks vs. Ascension then? Well, its the second night run by like minded Cardiff Uni students who miss the good old days of Old Skool with its nights of wild dancing, skilled DJ’s, great MC’s and of course, whistles and horns. The night kicked off with a bang with DJ’s Dexter and Raj delivering great Jungle to the quickly filling room. By 11pm the whole floor was full and DJ Dexter threw down some fantastic Old Skool drum and bass in his usual frantic style. The room shifted up another level as DJ’s taffster and MDJ started to spin classic hardcore anthem’s that had people singing along, jumping around, and yes, blowing their whistles. Often MC’s have the tricky job of hyping people up without overpowering the music and usually get it wrong, however tonight the MC-ing was on form and slipped into the music well, once again making us all feel like we were back in 1996. After the exhausting foot stomping hardcore, DJ Active finished the night with the best of current Drum n Bass, bringing out the classic crowd pleasers to top off the night in style. Brendan Rainford

BULLETPROOF @ Emporium AT THE end of last year, Emporium and Ifor Bach raised the standard of the Cardiff underground scene with new and improved Friday night lineups delivering some of the best drum & bass around. This year, Bulletproof kicks off the new season with a massive line-up that includes the best of Cardiff’s own talent playing alongside major players Shy FX and Nicky Blackmarket. Cardiff’s own hip hop mixing veteran Jaffa warmed up the night in the side room, alternating with Paul B and local rapper Little Miss to provide an excellent mix of some of the best old skool hip hop, from Uptown to Blackalicious. At midnight, though, the main floor became the focus as Shy FX stepped up to deal out a sharp mix of drum & bass across the spectrum to an already huge

crowd. The dance floor dripped with sweat as Swerve-style cool step shuffles gave way to heavy-handed bottom-end bass delivered from the heaviest sound system in Cardiff. As the set drew to a close, an excitable remix of the classic Original Nuttah caused the sort of crowd response many clubs can only dream of. Curiously, local talent DJ Tommy was rewarded with the busiest set of the night, mixing drum & bass and raising the local profile as he delivered a set to rival the skills of both Shy and Blackmarket. Taking the night into the heavier side, Bad Company bass-lines and pounding rhythms were punctuated with moments of commercial light delivered in the form of Andy C’s anthemic Bodyrock and the heavy soul of John B’s Forever, leaving Blackmarket to clear up the mess from 3 through to 4. Taking it still deeper and darker, Blackmarket’s set closed the night solidly in front of the impressively large hardcore contingent that remained.

THE MILES HUNT CLUB Barfly I HAVE to be honest and say that although I’ve heard and appreciated quite a few good bands in my twenty-two short years on this planet, one of Britain’s biggest bands of the early nineties, The Wonderstuff, have just passed me by. Apart from being aware of hits such as Size of a Cow and the inspired Vic Reeves collaboration Dizzy, they’ve never really troubled my consciousness. So it was with a great deal of curiosity that I found myself in the Barfly on quite possibly the windiest and wettest night of the year so far, to see the latest instalment in the solo career of ex-Stuffie lead singer, Miles Hunt. With one solo album already in his back catalogue, a couple of E.P. releases over the last year and this tour are the build up to the release of his second album in March. Tonight is a chance for him to play some of the new material to his loyal fans (of whom there are a fair number present for such a foul Sunday evening) but it’s not long before

With a license until early morning, and one of the nastiest sound systems in the area, Bulletproof is demonstrating why it was recently voted the best drum & bass night in Wales. And with such high quality local drum & bass and hip hop talent on show too, it looks set to get even better. Paul Sloman

WATERSHED Barfly IT’S A sad fact, but after seeing countless local bands over the last 18 months it can be hard to get really excited at a gig. That’s why Watershed are both a breath of fresh air and a reminder that if you look in the right places, you can discover great things. This is made more than obvious by tonight’s support, Brodie, who seem to have all the talent that a band who probably aspire to be Toploader require. Good

the set-list is out of the window and the band are taking requests. Not that the new material isn’t good. Each song is played like it matters, leaving you in little doubt that even after a decade, the quality of song writing and performing is still there. A mixture of angsty indie ballads and more up beat, rockier tunes, musically the songs impress, coupled with the intense energy Hunt puts into the performance and the manic grin on his bassists face, it’s obvious they are out to make sure everyone enjoys it. The rapport between audience and band is momentarily broken just before Love Can Make You Sorry, when Miles loses his temper with a couple who have been talking at the front all the way through the set. It’s not long though till it’s all forgotten, and he’s taking requests from the people he just laid into, dedicating every other song to ‘y’all’. Tonight has been a revelation, having arrived with virtually no expectations, I’ve finally realised just what it is that I’ve been missing. The effort and energy put into a fantastic set of new gems and old favourites has left me with a definite taste for more. Rob Jackson

tunes, it seems, do not seem to be their strength – try harder next time lads. The complete opposite can be said of Watershed though. From the outset they play with a passion and spirit that only comes from an overwhelming desire and belief in their music. It sounds as if the band’s heart and soul has been placed into every word and note, therefore giving them the emotion that other bands only dream of. Whilst musically not being a million miles removed from bands such as Unbelievable Truth or Elbow, the songs and especially their new single (check local label Boobytrap soon) stand up perfectly on their own and the comparison is more of an indication of quality than a criticism. At the end of an all too brief set, the one thing I’m left wondering is that, if they’re this good now, what’ll they be like in 12 months with more experience under their belts? Ones to watch? Too fucking right! Andy Parsons

PIC:Rob Jackson


MILES HUNT: still the stuff of wonder?




In association with

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cinema ticket and popcorn

Worth a shot

The Gair Rhydd Film Club is a must for anybody who loves movies. Every Wednesday afternoon we will be screening a classic film at 2pm at the UGC cinema, our partners in the Gair Rhydd Film Club. There will be offers and chances to see special advance previews of new films. To celebrate the launch we have teamed up with KPMG and are offering the chance to see Grosse Point Blank absolutely free. And to top it all off, UGC will give you a free popcorn to enjoy with the film. Who said there’s no such thing as a free lunch?


rosse Pointe Blank is my favourite film of recent years. I was really excited that we have another chance to see this great film on the big screen again. If you have seen it then you’ll want to see it again and if you haven’t then it is my job to persuade you to see this legendary film. Starring the enigmatic John Cusack (who also cowrote and co-produced) as Martin Q Blank, this blackest of comedies tells us of a professional hitman who is becoming disillusioned with his loner lifestyle. Co-starring Minnie Driver as the love interest, Alan Arkin as Blank’s psychiatrist and Dan Aykroyd as a rival hitman, who steals almost every scene he appears in.

Of course it also stars Joan Cusack (a regular in most of her brother’s movies) as Blank’s secretary Marcella, who persuades him to attend his ten year high school reunion, while carrying out his last assignment. It is important to note that he hasn’t been home since he ran away on prom night to join the army. Having watched this film more than a few times, I know the story fairly well, but just saying what happens will just spoil a film that must be watched. The

dialogue is witty and fast moving, the script as a whole is clever and funny. The humour is dry and dark to which John Cusack is very well suited. He is excellent, he seems to be perfect in roles that require him to be clever

and smart, yet still uncertain of himself, with a dark side to boot. The Griffters and more recently High Fidelity are both examples of the

track, none of the usual crap, and an original score by Joe Strummer of the Clash. You would have to be stupid or ignorant not to enjoy this witty but violent film. Truly something for everyone. Kathryn Williams With such a glowing review how could you just sit at home on Wednesday afternoon? Come along for a two o’clock start at the UGC and bring the voucher below to qualify for the free popcorn and ticket, if you are one of the first 50 there. Next week we have the award winning The Cider House Rules, so look out for that.

quality of an actor who managed to escape the curse of the ‘Brat Pack’ era. The Bring along this voucher to scenes between get your free cinema ticket Cusack and and popcorn. Arkin are very Name funny, the almost neurotic ................................................. gunman E-mail questioning the nervous shrink, ................................................. then more or less Mobile answering his own questions. ................................................. This film is definitely a modern classic, and is so underexposed Terms and Conditions despite overwhelming critical 1. Free ticket and popcorn limited to first 50 readers at the cinema on acclaim. It takes themes like Wednesday afternoon. Others will have to pay standard Gair Rhydd Film Club £2 entry and will not get free popcorn. romance, comedy, nostalgia and 2. Popcorn is small sized UGC popcorn (illustration is not actual popcorn). mixes them together with a new 3. Gair Rhydd and UGC reserve the right to refuse entry without reason. twist. 4. Standard price of Gair Rhydd Film Club tickets will be £2. It also has a cracking 80’s sound 5. Free admission subject to bringing voucher to the UGC Cardiff.

Wednesday 6 Feb @ 2pm @ UGC



lonzo (Denzel Washington) is streetwise, beefy and has a rather large gun or two. He’s a narcotics cop in LA and today on Training Day he’s taking rookie Jake (Ethan Hawke) under his wing to show him the tricks of his trade. But among the usual day to day activities that Alonzo takes part in (today it’s chasing wheelchair bound Snoop Dogg in a wig shop and poking crack out of his mouth, mashing

thoroughly bent copper, he’s more persuasive than your average local housing agency ("Really, sign now, tomorrow they’ll ALL be taken!"). Jake therefore has trouble deciding whether Al’s just in it for the dirty buck or if this really is the best way to take the bad guys down. Difficult one. Naturally all this street action has landed Alonzo in some deep trouble with some Russians (of course, being an American film) and it takes some more underhand dodgy dealings to get him out of it. Cue more confusion (getting himself out of trouble or just major league crook?). It’s necessary to keep the watcher interested though, and it’s a shame during the end of the film when we are shown exactly where his motives lie. If justice is Training Day’s major theme, violence is a close second.

up street rapists and making a real mess of Macy Gray’s ghetto abode) there’s other business to take care of – the darker side of an already damn dark job. Alonzo dispenses street justice. That is keeping crooks in line with a pistol whip or two (we are encouraged to wonder exactly how Snoop Dogg ended up in a wheelchair for example) in order to keep tabs on the big fish. Seems reasonable enough, all part of the job, right? This is the main issue of the film, Fuqua keeps the lines of justice as blurred as possible. Jake and the audience are continuously wrestling with their natural moral standards of justice and their trust in Alonzo as an experienced streetwise narcotics cop who should know best. I mean who are we to know any better? Although Alonzo can at times seem to be a

Fuqua creates a real sense of tension during ghetto scenes, where a wrong look can end up in a visit to the local A and E department. Shaky cameras aplenty and ear piercing gunshots create a genuine sense of the harsh reality of life in the ghetto, a knife edge that Jake has to walk when following Alonzo about on his ‘little visits’. The two cop’s relationship is a source of interest throughout the film. Jake plays the (at first passive and naive) little brother role, while Al relishes the do-as-I-say big bro role above him. Not exactly the "prime time homos" Starsky and Hutch buddy pairing here. All in all Training Day offers effective ghettorealism and a convincing tale of corruption and justice. But it would have been nice to leave the cinema with a few questions still unanswered. Jamie Fullerton

TRAINING DAY Starring: Denzel Washigton, Ethan Hawke, Tom Berenger, Harris Yulin Dir: Antoine Fuqua 18, 120 mins


Actor Profile: Denzel Washington

On the right track D

enzel Washington is one of those rare breed of actors, one who can lift themselves out of a film that is destined for the video shelf marked ‘bag of arse’ and make themselves look respectable whilst at the same time giving a certain degree of credibility to the picture. He consistently exudes calm, coolness and professionalism and has a screen presence that can only be described as ‘noble’. The release of Training Day follows a consistent string of box-office hits, cementing Washington’s A-list status. Back in 1954, Denzel was born and named after the doctor who delivered his father, a certain Dr Denzel, surprisingly enough. After becoming disillusioned with his journalism course at University he got bitten by the acting bug and found little trouble in being hired. A six year stint in St. Elsewhere (a kind of eighties ER) meant the film offers soon came flooding in. He first stood out in Cry Freedom (1987) and then bagged an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor as an escaped slave in Edward Zwick’s Glory (1989). He has worked with Zwick on three films (Glory, Courage Under Fire and The Siege) and also with Spike Lee (Mo’ Better Blues, Malcolm X and He Got Game), building a firm and successful relationship with each. Washington has become renowned for playing characters with dramatic lifestyles who attempt to give a message to society. His first was portraying Malcolm X in 1992, then Rubin ‘Hurricane’ Carter in

The Hurricane (2000) and finally Coach Herman Boone in last year’s Remember The Titans. The reason he chooses these roles, he says, is that "I find it interesting to play people who have made this transformation, this evolution in their lives. It’s something I strive for." By his own admission, for every serious, message movie, he does a couple of straightforward blockbuster flicks. For example, in 2000 he moved from playing a quadraplegic police detective in The Bone Collector to a physically supreme boxer in The Hurricane. "I like talking. I like acting. Running and jumping and ducking bullets is not my idea of a good day," says Washington of action roles. However, it is precisely these action roles, from Crimson Tide (1995) to The Siege (1998), that have provided Washington with the boxoffice dollars to do the more serious work he always wanted. He is currently directing the as-yet-untitled true story about a 24-year-old sailor called Antwone Fisher, who, on the verge of being dismissed from the Navy, undergoes therapy and recalls traumatic childhood experiences. The role of Fisher is so juicy that the actor who wins it will have a legitimate shot at an Oscar. For now, the talk is that Training Day will see Washington up for his third Best-Actor Oscar nomination. Although Fuqua is only a second rate director, Washington’s role is apparently "first rate", and we finally get to see him break that ‘noble’ persona in his role as a crooked narcotics officer. Howard Calvert

Who Made a bomber? MADE Starring: Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn, Joe Goossen, Famke Janssen

who's a lap dancer at bachelor parties. the well-driven dialogue that the two actors perfected in And two, Ricky (Vince Vaughn), is a dumb ass who Bobby is Swingers, was sadly lost in this film. always trying to vouch for. We are introduced to them early on Favreau seems over-eager to appear as the cool, suave guy and we get an idea of There's a particularly good scene where the who they are, there's a Dir: Jon Favreau particularly good scene two of them, working at a construction 15, 94 mins where the two of them, site as a cover for their underworld lives, working at a construction irected by Jon Favreau from his script, Made, tracks have a rant with the gay architect site as a cover for their Bobby (Jon Favreau) and Ricky (Vince Vaughn) underworld lives, have a through the amateur ranks of the criminal underworld, rant with the gay architect who comes in to supervise their in this film, and this lead me to start wondering whether he could and although not totally disastrous, if you like to feel satisfied at work. actually be bothered. the end of a film, then Made isn't the film for you. But the film switches gears and this is where the problem The supporting cast were equally as poor, and Peter Falk's The previews had made the film look like a hip, well-driven starts. Nothing is explained in this film, everything is left undone. portrayal of Max, the boss of whatever it is that's going on, was We constantly find ourselves asking why? trying to fit into such a Mafia stereotype, that when he spoke he The previews had made the film and how? sounded as if he had a mothball stuck in his throat. For some reason Bobby and Ricky have The only redeeming feature in this film was a surprise role by look like a hip, well-driven gangster underworld connections, and for some Sean 'P Diddy' Combs, as Ruis the gangster with whom Max movie, but this is simply not true reason they are going to New York, but the 'somehow' has connections (again this is not explained). answers are never explained. Is it drugs, are Although Ruis was not that important to the, well, 'story', Puffy gangster movie, but this is simply not true, and on viewing they hitmen, is it money laundering? There are no clues even, did bring a certain comedy to the otherwise dumb film. what we get is a very low-budget cinema documentary with totally unsatisfying. Quite simply I was definitely not ‘Made’ to feel satisfied in this none of the flash promised in the preview. And Vaughn's character Ricky, although built up to be film, and I don't see how anybody could be. Made tells the story of two boxing friends. One, Bobby (John annoying, is so annoying, that at times I struggled to watch, and Adrian Jones Favreau), is a quiet self assured smart guy with a girlfriend




The sky’s the limit VANILLA SKY Starring: Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, Cameron Diaz, Jason Lee Dir: Cameron Crowe 15, 135 mins

your eyes”. As well as the over-arching love element in the film, it also looks at themes such as popular culture, reality and dreams and what is happiness, as well as many others in a thought provoking and almost


ot since Fight Club has a film amazed me like Cameron Crowe's version of Vanilla Sky. Everything about this film works and it works on many levels. From the opening sequence of Cruise running through an empty Times Square to the fantastic final twist, this disturbing yet fascinating erotic thriller keeps you intrigued to the end. On the surface, it's a story of David Aames (Cruise), a wealthy, playboy, media executive who falls in love with his best friend's love interest (Cruz). We then see how his life spirals out of control after a car crash which kills his ex-partner (Diaz) and leaves him disfigured and lost. Without giving away any of the story's twists, we see how Cruise's life isn't all he thought it was as he tries to relate what happened after the crash to a court psychiatrist, because David is up on a murder charge. As we see David trying to piece together his story, we are shown how life can dramatically change in an instant. This is reflected by a line repeated throughout the film, “Open

haunting manner. Cruise plays the role of the carefree and enigmatic then devastated Aames brilliantly,

and the on-screen chemistry between him and Cruz further adds to the film's tragic feel as we see his life falling apart and him losing her. Penelope Cruz, who starred in the original spanish version of the film, Abre Los Ojos, is highly endearing as Cruise's love interest Sofia. She exudes an air of innocence and yet maintains her down to earth and sexual slant. “She's the last 'guileless' girl in New York City”, says David Aames. Her other admirer is David's best friend Brian, played by Jason Lee. Lee excels in his role as the witty and supportive friend who lives in Aames's shadow. Cameron Diaz is quite startling in her role as psychotic fling Julie Gianni. A vulnerable woman who would do anything for Aames's attention who eventually kills herself and disfigures Aames – but is she dead? And is Tom Cruise just the luckiest man alive. Cameron Diaz and Penelope Cruz in one movie. How does he get away with it, why wasn’t he taught to share as a child? I blame his mother. Tom, if you need a double then give me a bell (Film Ed). Despite initial preconceptions, this is far from being a 'chickflick' but is in fact a stylish, stark and twisty thriller guaranteed to make you sit back and think – "Wow". Gemma Jones

Love at Mulholland Drive MULHOLLAND DRIVE Starring: Justin Theroux, Naomi Watts, Laura Harring, Ann Miller Dir: David Lynch 15, 145 mins


ulholland Drive is extraordinary. Having never before watched a David Lynch movie (apart from an unconvincing ten minutes of Dune), I did not anticipate the following brain drain. The film weaves together the most bizarre sequence of seemingly satirical scenes with the bare minimum of explanation. The Chapter Art Centre tends to guarantee a good film, (although the jury's still out on Chocolat) so I should have really guessed sooner that the apparent cheesiness, ridiculous-ness and pure weirdness hinted at something much more contrived. The film revolves around two women, a striking amnesiac brunette who falls into the care of a far from perfect Hollywood wannabe blonde. These events are all an apparent mystery as they are accompanied by a lot of

heavy breathing. This coincides with a brilliantly arrogant and aloof film director being screwed over by the Hollywood mafiosa, the occasional input from a cowboy, a hilariously unsuccessful murder attempt and two men in a diner undergoing the most unhinging scene of dream analysis. As for the plot I won’t even begin, but this is a true thriller. Throughout the film the viewer is given only hints of the truth. Every whiff of an explanation is timed by Lynch and yet one is never completely satisfied so that you leave the film incredulous and with a desperate urge to be able to have the director locked in a room tied to a chair with no hope of escape until he’s explained every last detail. Perhaps this isn’t the point of the film, but there is a point where unorthodoxy appears pretentiously obtuse. The acting though is tremendous throughout and the handling of homosexuality exemplary. Certainly recommended, but one senses that even if you rented it and watched in parts you would only become more confused. Nevertheless, its status as one of the year’s cult movies is already assured.

Actor Profile:

Tom Cruise


INCE THE days of crooked teeth and bad 80’s hair of Risky Business and the bumpy nose of Top Gun and Cocktail, it’s hard to believe the man now scientifically proven to be beautiful used to be anything but. His personal life has been highly documented in the press, especially since his divorce from Nicole Kidman in August 2001, whose career since the split seems only to have got the boost it so desperately needed. Cruise is currently dating his co-star from Vanilla Sky, Penelope Cruz, and has a penchant for leading ladies – Mimi Rogers (his first wife), Nicole (they met on Days of Thunder), Heather Locklear and Cher to name but a few have all at some point fell for his charms. Therefore he is currently one of the most eligible bachelors in the world. It’s hard to believe that when he was six, his sisters used to practice kissing on him. Born in New York in 1962, Tom was a sensitive and deeply religious boy who disguised his dyslexia by becoming very sporty and was told, aged 14, that he had to quit wrestling due to a knee injury. His parents nomadic lifestyle had meant that he’d been to 15 schools in the US and Canada by the time he was 15, and being unsure of his future he took a contemplative year in a Franciscan monastery in Ohio. Just as he was about to become a priest he got involved in a student production of Guys and Dolls which spurred him on to try to become an actor, and did what every American wannabe does – moved to the Big Apple. There he was discovered by an Italian director who gave Cruise his first film role, aged 18. Just five years later, he would be offered the role of Pete ‘Maverick’ Mitchell in Top Gun (1986), the film that would make him an international superstar. His fame and career rocketed with the films that followed; The Colour of Money (1986), Rainman (1988), Cocktail (1988) and Born on the Fourth of July (1989), where he starred beside some of Hollywood’s greatest actors, including Dustin Hoffman and Paul Newman, who are Cruise’s self confessed idols. In the early 90’s he established himself as one of the highest paid actors in showbusiness and has since become a producer, writer, and co-director. Vanilla Sky has been codirected with Cameron Crowe whose credits also include Jerry Maguire – in which Cruise’s performance earned him an Oscar nomination. The only accolade befitting a man of his stature and experience, which seems to elude him inexplicably, is an Oscar. Having been in 27 successful films and produced 6, the poor guy must be asking himself – what more can I do? Maybe Vanilla Sky will earn him the recognition he deserves. Gemma Jones

gamesreviews g


The life of Ryo SHENMUE 2 (DC) Sega


laying darts, dice gambling, arm-wrestling, thief chasing, leaf catching and soot cleaning, oh and Space Harrier II. Unfortunately this does not herald the longawaited arrival of Redneck Track and Field, but all of the above do feature in the second, huge instalment of Yu Suzuki’s Shenmue saga. However, these are just side-shows in what has to be one of the most lavishly created series around. The adventure picks up where game one left off, with our hero Ryo arriving in Hong Kong’s busy streets to hunt for Lan Di, the man who killed his father. The opening disc’s action (one of four), is bewilderingly detailed and as before, every single person can be spoken to. There is also the added option to ask specific questions, such as where to find work or gamble. Money is tight and you will put in

INSET: Ryo ponders a ‘lucky hit’ board LEFT: Manly arm wrestling

time carrying crates at the docks or working on a ‘Lucky Hit’ a better challenge, and there’s generally a lot more free fighting, gambling stall. In this, punters drop marbles down a pinboard including competitions to showcase your skills. One of the major and try to find the winning slot at the bottom. Of course you criticisms of the original has also been rectified by allowing you could raise funds playing the game as a punter, but you can also to skip forward in time to avoid hanging around until arranged lose a lot too. Another welcome addition are the maps you can meeting times. Due in part to the lack of a U.S release, and the buy of each area, although when the money gets low (and believe me it does), you may To the unconverted, some of the resort to just using trial and error. To further drain Ryo’s wallet, Sega classics Space Harrier, tasks may seem mundane: cleaning Out Run and Afterburner II can be found in soot off a temple wall, for example various arcades along with the usual slotmachines, darts and toy dispensers. These collectibles can also be sold to pawn shops, and the collection sad demise of the Dreamcast, the voice acting of all the built up in Shenmue can be carried forward to the sequel. characters is in Japanese. Whilst this may sound annoying it Other improvements include the rapid reduction of load times, avoids the painfully bad English voices that the first game very with ones between street and shops being made non-existent. occasionally threw up, and the subtitles are easily skipped and Also the increased complexity of the Quick Time Events provides skimmed if necessary. Either that or you’ve just saved on a Japanese Linguaphone course. A more spiritual sense is bought to the game as Ryo learns about the dangers of vengeance. It is not a morality lesson by any means though. The characters and locations, which include biker-chick Joy and a gang leader accomplice Ren, are all extremely well developed. The enemies are also more threateningly evil (including a chainsaw-wielding female maniac) and there is more atmosphere thanks to an extremely engaging plot. Envisaging the game as a totally lavish, interactive movie would perhaps be more appropriate. Action later shifts to Kowloon and then rural China as Ryo tracks down Lan Di, but each is equally vivid and beautiful. Kowloon could be likened to an explosion in a Pokémon factory; such is the dazzling array of colourful scenery. To the unconverted, or in other words those who have not already been hooked by the first game, some of the tasks may still seem mundane. Cleaning soot off a temple wall, or carrying books outside for starters. This misses the point. For those willing to invest the time in Shenmue II, these become a means to and end in Ryo’s life. A life which becomes your own for the duration. Shenmue II is not a rollercoaster of aimless fight after fight. Like real life it’s a challenge, an experience and a volley of high action interspersed with less high-octane, but equally satisfying events. Those who pursue it will be rewarded, but those who want to see how the story ends…will have to buy an XBox. James Morley

Creature Feature CREATURES (PS1/ GBA) Creature Labs


EMEMBER THE Tamagotchi? The Japanese craze that will be neatly recorded in the pages of schoolyard fad history somewhere in between Pro-set football cards and Pokemon. The small lump of plastic on a keychain, that for the very imaginative and the very lonely, actually contained your own pet that you could hatch, feed, play with and nurse through illness, only to die on you a couple of weeks later because you got bored and forgot to feed it. They were crap. After a while people realised this, and as far as toy evolution goes, that’s par for the course; the craze is created, makes a pile of cash for someone, and then becomes horribly passé. The problem is that someone somewhere didn’t realise this. Welcome to the wonderful world of Creatures, a game where you become God, controlling and nurturing a race of creatures (called Norns, I have no idea why) in an effort to help them thrive and survive. A game where your intelligent Norns learn from their experiences, where through stimulus and encouragement you can create Norns of great wisdom and intelligence that explore to find new worlds. Welcome to a

game so mind numbingly dull, I would sooner chew my own arm off than have to play it again. To just classify Creatures as a glorified Playstation Tamagotchi is a bit of a crass generalisation but at the same time depressingly true. The basic control structure of the Tamagotchi was simple, feed it, play with it, keep it healthy, clean it, make it go to sleep. This was good. If you had a couple of minutes to spare, you could use it to feed the little tyke and perhaps play a little game together without getting bored. To put such a simplistic idea into a game designed to be played for hours, not minutes, is daft. There are only so many times you can throw a ball at your Norn or feed it, before the suicidal tendencies creep in. Even the temptation to corrupt the game, breeding a race of complete and utter bastards is scuppered in the first five minutes by the realisation that the time and effort you’ll need to invest to create the little shits just isn’t worth it. This extremely poor concept, coupled with lame graphics and a hard to control player interface (a fairy called ‘Scrubby’ who flies round telling the Norns what to do) pretty much condemns the whole thing from the start. Creatures is a game that never needed to be made, nobody would have noticed if it hadn’t and certainly no-one would have cared. Hopefully if we all just ignore them the Norns, like the unfed tamagotchi before them, will just wither away and die. Rob Jackson

The News Cock Cock-a-doodle doo! I’m quite literally moist with excitement this week, now Nintendo has confirmed the release date for Gamecube: 3 May. The cube will be released in both purple and black casings, and over 20 games will be available from launch, including ISS2, Sonic 2 Battle and Rogue Leader. The console will sell for 249 Euros, that’s about £150 in real money, half the price of an XBox. The games themselves should sell for £40. In keeping with their ‘gaming 24:7’ theme, the big N have dropped the price of the Gameboy Advance to about £70, with games taking a well deserved drop in price to £30. Expect much more to be made of the compatibility between GBA and Gamecube. In other news, Eidos has launched a new label Fresh Games to release more crazy Japanese games. The first games to come out are Mr Moskeeto, otherwise known as Ka, where you control a mosquito trying to sting a family, Mad Maestro!, where you are a orchestra conductor and Legaia 2: Duel Saga, sequel to a best-selling martial arts RPG. Bam! Entertainment have got their sticky mitts on the Wallace and Gromit license. Expect northern humour based platform action next year.

gamesreviews g


Is Driven a load of drivel? DRIVEN (PS2/ GBA) Bam! Entertainment


HEN YOU see an advert for some cheap and worthless merchandise bollocks trying to cash in on an equally cheap and worthless film, the thinly disguised veil used to try and flog the proverbial dead-horse normally goes something like; "fans of the film will love it." This is an attempt to convince the public that the best this pathetic offering can hope for is a minor cult following with people akin to those who still think its cool to go to the cinema at midnight dressed in leather with 200 other wannabe Goths, twinks and Meatloaf fans so they can recite the script of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and discover what its like to be in a real room with other real people. But when the advertisement for the PS2’s homage of Sly Stallone’s recent box-office dud Driven hits the screens, the catch-line should read "fans of the film may be able to stand it for more than ten minutes…at a push." OK look I’m sorry, this is a first for me and already the carefully laid out instruction to "stick

ABOVE: A Spin out – That’s cocked up ‘the Zone’

with the game" and "try not to be too opinionated, you are supposed to be objective" has already gone to buggery but you have to understand something very important…DO NOT BUY THIS GAME. PLEASE. Let me fill you in, Driven was Stallone’s fourwheeled version of Rocky but without the good bits and it did precisely bog-all in the cinema despite being centred around the glamourous, high speed world of the American Champ Car Series. I’m guessing the designer’s thought process was "it can’t be any worse than the film." Ooopsy If the poorly animated, character-less introduction isn’t enough to whet your appetite, the inordinate amount of time switching screens certainly will. Or what about the two game options; arcade and story? (There is a multiplayer avenue to go down but unless annoyingly slow frame-rates are your cup of tea I wouldn’t). Yes folks, apparently there is a story and in it, you can take the place of ol' monolith man himself and rise from the depths, overcome personal despair to selflessly help your team mate become the Champion he really deserves to be….yes yes you can!!! But if you find yourself unable to muster the fight and desire to do what is just plain right you can always pit yourself against some of the world’s greatest (not to mention stereotypical, eh ‘Suki’ and ‘Yves Bardot’) drivers in a series of challenging and

fiercely contested mini-series across the globe in your search for glory. It’s a pity then that the ridiculous handling, laughable damage model, bland, uninspired and

DRIVEN: on PS2 and GBA: Guess which is which.

occasionally twitchy (yes PS2 lovers - twitchy) graphics, lame AI, sparse (both in design and number) option screens and total lack of depth make playing this game one of the most pointless, boring and frustrating experiences of my entire life. Henry Beaudette


OWEVER, DRIVEN on the Gameboy is another story. There hasn't been a top down racer released since Micro machines and before that, the classic Supersprint. This gives Driven a distinctive advantage for comparison, since on the Gameboy there's only Rare's Black and White RC Pro Am, not Gran Turismo, so the power of GB Advance gives Driven's chances a headstart. With the lack of size is not a lack of grandeur – there's pretty much the same options than the PS2 version – arcade, story, championship, training and multiplayer modes, all accessible from the same screen. The graphics are small but detailed, which enables a sense of speed to be obtained. The

controls handle efficiently, but you haven't really got time to react to the corners, they've got to be memorised to avoid crashing. The really annoying thing is when you crash out. Either you run into one of the other cars, or they run into you, and your car will jump into the air, encased in a fireball. You'll then be restarted further back than where you were either hit or drove straight into a wall. Fireballs also happen when you go 'in the zone', a mystical place, experienced by drivers at the peak of their racing. In other words, when you go round the circuit without crashing. Your car will turn into a ball of fire, and you'll get a significant speed boost. In the PS2 version the bland music stops to be replaced by whistling of the wind and the screen will blur, and it’s a bit off-putting. The track design starts off with an easy oval circuit, then builds up to Monaco-esque corner madness, via tracks set on the streets of New York, y'know, from the movie. If you complete either the story or championship modes you can win secret cars. The multiplayer mode is fun enough, though not a patch on Mario Kart, but a worthy two-player racer nevertheless. Overall, Crawfish have clearly done a better job with the handheld version. It’s recommended as a competent racer, but for the love of Stirling Moss stay away from the PS2 game, and don't be tempted by the movie either. Chris Faires

The joy of ecks ECKS VS SEVER (GBA) Crawfish/ Bam! Entertainment


ANCY A 4 way frag?" ask the adverts outside the Union. "Would if I could" should be your response, seeing as (boo, hiss) one cartridge isn't fragging even for two players. Ecks vs Sever is a FPS for the Gameboy Advance, alongside

Back Track and Doom, and it's the pick of the three. Doom's troubles are entirely existential – it is a port of a 8 year old game, identical, with the sophistication of a older game on a new system. Don't get us wrong, Doom is a milestone classic, that took gaming to a new level, but it's had it's day. Now, not only does it pale through simplistic gameplay, graphically it's left in the shadow of Quake 2, Goldeneye, Half-life etc. Ecks vs Sever is new blood. The new blood is drawn from an as yet unfinished film of the same name. This itself is unique – usually movie licenses happen either at the same time (H. Potter) or many years afterwards (Dukes of Hazzard) but being released before the film is unprecedented. The plot is as follows: Jonathon Ecks is a former FBI agent and SWAT member who left when he was bored of acronyms. His wife and son were killed in a car bombing meant for him, but he doesn't know who did it. Having gone AWOL for a while he is called up for 'One Last Mission' to find out more. On the other loaded hand, Sever is an orphan who was taken on and trained to be an assassin by the NSA, carrying out a secret assignment. You get to control both of them in their individual narratives which cross over. The game mixes the two characters independent and interrelating missions, with competing objectives. For instance, level three as Ecks requires you to use a sniper rifle to shoot Sever, then grab a key. As Sever, you must throw grenades at Ecks then kill the man with the key. The biggest criticism of the GBA is still about the screen not being backlit, you need to be in a good light to be able to see anything. Ecks is one of the first games to include an option to change the contrast, but you still need a decent wattage purely because Ecks is 3-D and being able to see depth is essential. For a GBA FPS, it handles well. The most important function in 3-D shooters is a strafe feature, where the L and R buttons come

in handy. It actually plays quite like Doom; slow shooting with a massive collision detection. To its credit, there is a dozen

Ecks vs Sever is an excellent game, and is one of the most impressive games on a handheld yet different weapons for you to use, starting with a pistol, and working your way up to fast firing heavy artillery. Ecks vs Sever is an excellent game, and is one of the most impressive games on a handheld yet. We're sure the multiplayer mode is great, but we haven't played it yet. A tenner says that it'll be better than the movie. Chris Faires


For further details contact Elaye Clark, Cardiff Students’ Union Communications and Community Officer on 2078 1433 or

Want to write for FHM, Cosmopolitan, or Empire? Well you can always start with writing for the Union’s

ultimate guide the Ultimate Guide is the biggest and only official Cardiff Students’ Union magazine for Freshers and Returning students. If you are interested in writing for next year’s edition, contact your Communications and Community Officer, Elaye Clark, on 2078 1433, or by e-mail Preferably, drop in and see him on the 2nd Floor of the Union building today.



“Student Hardship is a ‘badge of shame’ and a ‘national shame’ (David Blunkett, Shadow Education Secretary 1994)

Since Labour came to power student debt has increased by £7,525 per student. (Barclays debt survey, 2001)”






4 February


Top Gear Awards BBC2 8.30pm

FILM: Dances With Wolves Channel 4 10.00pm

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals





6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Call My Bluff 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 Rugrats 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.25 The Make Shift 4.35 The Ghost Hunter 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Drew admits he owes Scotty more than money. Fnarr. This TV guide brings a certain sorrow.

6.00 Open University 6.30 The Celebrated Cyfarthfa Band 7.00 Oscar's Orchestra 7.25 Monster Rancher 7.45 Blue Peter 8.10 Little Monsters 8.15 Ethelbert the Tiger 8.25 Oakie Doke 8.35 64 Zoo Lane 8.45 Fireman Sam 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Schools 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Ethelbert the Tiger 1.10 Sn**ker 5.15 Weakest Link USA This segment of the TV acid crew will now proceed to move upstairs, into a kind of director’s board/exectutive producer-type role. Which in effect will prolly mean that...

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Where the Heart Is 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.25 Oops! 3.30 Ripley and Scuff 3.55 Hey Arnold! 4.20 Fingertips 4.40 Don't Eat the Neighbours 5.05 Airline 5.30 Crossroads ...I’ll come in and write doggerel like this and eat free pro-life pizza when the people who should be helping Sarah out are off smoking crack or something. (I wasn’t...

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Something So Right 9.30 Schools 12.00 Location, Location, Location 12.30 Planed Plant: Rhacsyn a'r Goeden Hud 12.45 Planed Plant: Sali Mali 1.00 Planed Plant: Bryn Seren 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Time Team 2.45 15-to-1 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Mot a Tom 4.20 Y Meicrosgop Hud 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy ...referring to Ford there, by the way. She is dedicated to this shit above and beyond the call of duty – I just mean that you lot should be getting involved.)

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Cosby Mysteries 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: The Iron Maiden 5.30 5 News I have reached a time in my life where, frankly I need to branch out – so it’s kind of stupid to carry on doing this. Daresay you agree.

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 X-Ray 7.30 Holiday 8.00 EastEnders 8.30 Ground Force 9.00 Messiah 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Ruby Wax's Commercial Breakdown Featuring, according to the interweb listings (ahh, another memory to cherish – deleting all the informative stuff we were provided with and either lying about the programme’s content or writing “wank” or something), “a bilingual goldfish”. 11.05 Sounds Welsh A series showcasing the best music and musicians from Wales. There is of course lots of great music from Wales, but it’s rarely featured on here. Of course we would say that because it doesn’t feature any of our friends. Ha ha. 11.35 Scrum V Calling all rugby fans fat closet cases – another thing I’ll miss. 12.15 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 12.45 Film 2002 with Jonathan Ross 1.15 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 2.00 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 The Simpsons “Actually dad, ten percent of 100 million isn’t £100,000. It’s...” 6.20 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 7.30 Turning the Tables: Waste Don’t ‘waste’ time in watching this tonight! (Copyright TV Quick or something.) 8.00 University Challenge 8.30 Top Gear Awards We never did give you that quite possibly fictitious Jeremy Clarkson gossip which did the rounds some time ago. Basically it called him a child porn enthusiast and got Popbitch shut down for a while. But of course, we’ve said that it’s most likely made up so we can get away with repeating it. That is how libel law works, isn’t it? That’s what I’m falling back on anyway. 9.00 Never Mind the Buzzcocks With Christian O'Connell, Ashley Taylor Dawson, Kerry McFadden and Pete Burns. Who are those first three people? 9.30 Big Train 10.00 The Office 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 African Cup of Nations 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Coronation Street 8.00 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 8.30 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 9.00 Blood Strangers 10.30 ITV News at Ten 10.50 The Ferret 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 The Premiership 12.40 Nationwide Football League Extra 1.25 Wish You Were Here...? 1.50 The Web Review 2.15 Trisha 3.10 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 3.35 Box Office America 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News The really cool thing about having done this since... ooh... end of ‘99... jesus, that’s more than two years!... is that I can write whatever I like in here and you, my little otters, can roll your eyes and tut to each other and say “These people are such fucking wankers!” and go back to watching Friends or whatever, but THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. You’re getting this for free and we don’t care what you think. It’s all for effect! Ah haa!

6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion 8.00 Y Byd ar Bedwar 8.30 Ysbyty Gwynedd 9.00 Welsh in a Week 9.30 Sgorio 10.35 Designer Vaginas Anyone who missed this first time round: it’s OK, but you’d do well to get a wank out of it. Plus you may bang your head against the wall several times. 11.35 Commando 12.40 FILM: Hoodlum 3.00 Football Italia 4.00 Schools

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Exclusive 7.30 5 News 8.00 Hitler's Living Relatives Documentary covering the search by an investigative journalist to trace the Fuhrer's lastremaining relatives. While not disputing that this is fairly interesting subject matter, isn’t it a little out of order for some jumped-up little pikey hack to stick his hands in the lives of wholly blameless people just because of their genetic lineage with a famous dictator? Ooh! What was that strange tingle? Hmm, apparently it’s called ‘morals’. I hope I don’t get them again. 9.00 FILM: Blast Rutger Hauer and Linden Ashby throw themselves around in the name of Olympic-related terrorism. Prolly toss. 10.55 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation 11.55 The Pepsi Chart 12.00 NFL Super Bowl XXXVI: New England Patriots v St Louis Rams 2.00 AMA Supercross 3.35 FIM UEM Drag Bike Championship 2001 4.00 Motorsport Mundial 4.25 Dutch Football

CHOICE Turning the Tables: Waste BBC2, 7.30pm

(029) 2022 9977


Continuing this rather good, if obviously-premised, series in which people at opposite ends of the spectrum in a particular field exchange roles. This time around we’re shifting grime around: a waste-disposal officer who works for Lambeth Council Street Care – the dirtiest borough in inner London –

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 9.00 Meego 9.30 4Learning 12.00 Montel 12.35 Spin City 1.05 Citigroup Photography Prize 2002 1.10 FILM: The Sound Barrier 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 15-to-1 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Friends 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Citigroup Photography Prize 2002 8.00 Salvage Squad: Classic Car 9.00 Moby Dick: The True Story 10.00 FILM: Dances with Wolves 1.25 The Greatest: Clint Eastwood 1.55 Supporting Acts 2.15 The Real Cracker 3.10 The Trust: Systems Error 4.00 4Learning


Monday 4 February

Blood Strangers ITV 9.00pm



Today’s Highlights

Ground Force BBC1 8.30pm


swaps places with a colleague from Wealden Council. Don’t go, it gets better. Wealden is the authority with the cleanest streets in East Sussex (sounds like Alan Partridge scripting Batman, doesn’t it?) and an enviable recycling record. Not the most rock’n’roll TV you’ll ever witness, then. But hell, it’s dealing with a job that someone has to do, and there’s quite possibly a story of class shifts and governmental incompetence here. And who knows, when your dreams of a university education actually landing you a decent job have died, and you’re emptying bins at seven in the morning, the issues contained in this programme will mean something to you.



5 February

Tuesday HTV



6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Call My Bluff 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News 1.30 Regional News 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Tweenies Songtime 3.45 Rugrats 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.25 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 Jeopardy 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours “Bad news guys – Heavy D & The Boyz won’t be makin’ it!” If you ever find an album by Emperor Penguin called Mysterious Pony, buy it.

6.00 Open University 6.30 They Did It Their Way 7.00 Oscar's Orchestra 7.25 Monster Rancher 7.45 Blue Peter 8.10 Little Monsters 8.15 Yoho Ahoy 8.25 Oakie Doke 8.35 64 Zoo Lane 8.45 Fireman Sam 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Schools 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Yoho Ahoy 1.10 Sn**ker Masters Tournament If you’ve ever wondered why we censor sn**ker, it’s because it’s shit. Simple really. 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 3.30 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 5.15 Weakest Link

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Where the Heart Is 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.25 Oops! 3.30 Ripley and Scuff 3.55 Hey Arnold! 4.20 Fingertips 4.40 Don't Eat the Neighbours 5.05 Night and Day 5.30 Crossroads I bet a lot of you think I’m really arrogant and selfobsessed. The truth is I actually have low self-esteem about most things I do and feel like a twat in the...

6.05 The Hoobs 6.30 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Something So Right 9.30 Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Pei Pwmpen 12.45 Planed Plant: Ding Dong 1.00 Planed Plant: Slici a Slac 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Salvage Squad 2.45 15-to-1 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Rala Rwdins 4.20 Cawl Potsh 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy ...majority of social situations. It’s only when I’m being TV Desk that my loudmouth side comes out to play. This is actually true. Or is it all a very clever bluff, or merely a means of avoiding writing about R&J again?

6.00 Sunrise 6.35 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Cosby Mysteries 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.50 FILM: Navigating the Heart 5.30 5 News Either way I’m going to stop doing this as of this week and, all being well, Matt Harvey who does the comps page will take over.

6.00 BBC News You’ll have noticed, one hopes, that Matt is as funny as an abbatoir full of hyena/monkey/otter mutants injecting nitrous oxide directly into your bloodstream using a funny bendy straw. Now that’s funny. In a few weeks you’ll forget I was ever here. See what I mean? I doubt you even know who I am, or care, but I have carte blanche to write whatever I like! 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Watchdog 7.35 EastEnders 8.05 Holby City 9.00 Messiah The discovery that the killer's victims all have names and jobs matching those of the 12 Apostles is a shock for the team. Oh for god’s sake... 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Messiah 11.05 Week In, Week Out 11.35 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 12.05 FILM: MASH “It was relevant at the time,” says Disco Stu, “but now you’ve got to look at it in a different light.” 2.00 Sign:Two: How to Build a Human 2.50 Sign:Two: See Hear on Saturday 3.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Star Trek: 6.45 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 7.30 Bill Oddie Goes Wild: North Norfolk 8.00 Food and Drink Antony Worrall 8.30 Delia's How to Cook, Part 3 Look how many times the word “I” appears in quick succession in the BBC1 listings to the left. What would a psychologist say? 9.00 Smallpox 2002: Silent Weapon It says here that potentially, smallpox could kill up to 60 million people. Don’t have nightmares – that’s only potentially. Which reminds me – on the radio this morning there was a story about three kids in London catching measles. Pathetic. Youth today don’t know they’re born. When I were a lad kids got measles all the fucking time and rarely, if ever, died. That’s why this country’s gone to the dogs – a marked downturn in the number of infectious diseases. You’re so mollycoddled, with your flashy viruses like AIDS and anthrax. Not like in my day. 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale 7.30 Your Century: Ammanford and the Amman Valley 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 8.30 Fat Club 9.00 Footballers' Wives Seemingly so ubiquitous now that the Daily Star has started referring to it as Footie Wives. Very good. This is the T Des of Ga Ry. Yo ar al bun o cus. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 FILM: Robocop 3 Nick: “I think I’ve seen it, but I know it’s not as funny as the dubbed version of Robocop that ITV show. You know – instead of ‘motherfucker’ you have ‘muddy funster’ or something.” 12.35 Strictly Soho 1.05 FILM: Someone She Knows Thing about a child murder starring absolutely no-one we’ve ever heard of. Sorry. 2.40 World Sport 3.10 ITV Sport Classics 3.20 Nationwide Football League Extra 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Byd Pws: Romania 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion 8.00 Porc Peis Bach 8.30 Pacio 9.00 The Real Moby Dick 10.00 Iechyd Da 10.45 The Sopranos 12.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 1.00 FILM: The War Zone 2.55 The Other Side 4.00 Schools

6.00 Home and Away After the crisis, Brodie worries about what will happen to Woody. Fnarr. This habit of going “fnarr” at everything that might be considered vaguely sexual-sounding – I’m sorry about that too. It stopped being funny shortly after we started doing it, but you know – insitutions are institutions, and that. It can probably be traced back, equally, to Beavis And Butthead and Gav Wood. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Great Artists 7.30 5 News 8.00 Prince Philip – Power behind the Throne This Preview looks like it was put in by an Indian. 9.00 FILM: Payback “It’s fucking AWFUL,” explodes Mike, “and it’s got a completely incomprehensible plot about gangsters owing money.” 11.00 Death Scene Investigators: Naming The Dead 12.05 La Femme Nikita 1.00 Now is the Time: Night of Combat - Kick Boxing 2.00 Sunshine Tour Golf 3.00 2002 Winter X Games 4.00 Best of the 2001 Winter X Games 4.25 Channel 5 Football Classic

CHOICE Prince Philip – Power Behind The Throne Channel 5, 8.00pm

Ahhh. But you’ve got to love him, haven’t you? No. No, you haven’t at all. Prince Philip is, well, he’s not a very nice word at all. Hey, wait a sec – this is TV Desk. What I meant to say is that he’s a cunt.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 9.00 Meego 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Spin City 1.00 Cheers 1.30 Icons: Grace Kelly 1.40 FILM: Buchanan Rides Alone 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 15-to-1 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Eden 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Citigroup Photography Prize 2002 8.00 Battle Stations: Sherman Assault 9.00 Commando: A Leap in the Dark I sincerely doubt this is going to live up to the splendour of its title, but I live in hope. 10.00 The Queen's Wedding 11.35 FILM: Everyone Says I Love You 1.25 Butterfly World 1.40 In Search of Mike 1.50 Football Italia Mezzanotte 3.35 Powerhouse 4.00 4Learning

This, however, doesn’t mean that you can’t find him extremely funny. Me and Lydia were discussing how ace it would be to be him. “You could say absolutely anything you wanted,” I opined. “And people would go, ‘Phillip, that’s really racist. I can’t believe you said that,’ and you’d be like, ‘Yeah, well I’m Prince Philip. What are you going to do about it?’ ‘Hmm, yeah. Good point.’” See what I mean? It’d be fantastic. Although thinking about it, writing the TV pages is a bit like that – except when a squealing little fucknut who’s going to

FILM: M*A*S*H BBC1 12.05am

Smallpox 2002 – Silent Weapon BBC2 9.00pm

Footballers’ Wives ITV 9.00pm

FILM: Everyone Says I Love You Channel 4 11.35pm

February 5 February



Today’s Highlights



get anthrax through his letterbox phones up the Mirror and some jobsworth hack comes and hassles the editor while she’s trying to put a fucking paper together, but even then, no harm done really. Erm, yeah anyway. Phil the Greek gets rarely-seen interview-archive footage treatment in an attempt to get to the bottom of his sheltered-from-reality psyche. The deliberately low profile he keeps makes him a bigger enigma than most royals, so there’s probably a lot you (or I) don’t know about him.



6 February


The Life Laundry BBC2 8.30pm




6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Call My Bluff 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 Rugrats 3.55 ChuckleVision 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.35 Custer's Last StandUp 5.00 Blue Peter 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Joel embarks on a risky dive. For this cunnilingual allusion, Joel has earned Neighbours a fnarr – FNARR! Well done that man.

6.00 Open University 7.00 Oscar's Orchestra 7.25 Monster Rancher 7.45 The Animal Magic Show 8.00 The Lampies 8.10 Little Monsters 8.15 Bob the Builder 8.25 Oakie Doke 8.35 64 Zoo Lane 8.45 Fireman Sam 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Schools 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Bob the Builder 1.10 Snooker Masters Tournament 2.40 Assembly Live 3.50 BBC News; Regional News; Weather 4.00 Snooker Masters Tournament 5.15 Weakest Link Did we ever find out if some-time TV Desker, Nick, got accepted to appear on this? I need info...

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Where the Heart Is 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.25 Oops! 3.30 Ripley and Scuff 3.55 Hey Arnold! 4.20 Fingertips 4.40 Don't Eat the Neighbours 5.05 Night and Day 5.30 Crossroads Kate's party celebrating three years of the new Crossroads Hotel ends up costing her dearly. I’m not surprised – have you seen the price of doilies these days? Unless it’s the metaphorical cost, of course...

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/ Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Ty Ni Ty Chi 12.45 Planed Plant: Mymryn Bach 1.00 Planed Plant: Bwgan 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Edge of the Universe 2.45 15-to-1 3.15 Countdown What’s the deal with ‘big’ Countdown? This extra 15 minutes is useless because even moderately bright people can’t handle more than 30 minutes of wordplay. And only the clinically insane want more Carol Vorderman. 4.00 Cnafon Coed 4.30 Gogs 4.40 Sgorio Bach 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Cosby Mysteries 12.00 5 News 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford You have to watch this (in case you don’t already) in order to catch a glimpse of Gloria’s astonishing glasses. They look like they’re made of Doritos. Elton John would probably call them ‘too showy’. 3.40 FILM: The Ultimate Impostor 5.30 5 News

6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 A Question of Sport Guests are John Barnes, Tony McCoy, Stuart Pearce, and Ricky Hatton. Being a girl, this holds no interest for me at all. To me, John Barnes is just that man who spoilt the middle of New Order’s World In Motion... 7.30 Best Inventions 8.00 Weakest Link 8.45 Jet Set Departure Lounge Rather oddly, I found an envelope containing some contestant application forms for this programme in my kitchen a few weeks back. Sadly, no signed photos of Eamon Holmes were enclosed therein. 9.00 Swimming with Sharks This documentary about people who like to swim with sharks is narrated by John Peel. Obvious choice? 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Match of the Day 11.35 Johnny Vaughan Tonight 12.05 The Horror of... 12.40 Sign:One: Panorama 1.20 Sign:One: Watchdog 1.50 Sign:One: Antiques Roadshow 2.35 Sign:One: Holiday 3.05 Sign:One: DIY SOS 3.35 Sign:One: Best Inventions 4.05 Sign:One: Watchdog Healthcheck 4.35 Sign:One: Have a Go Heroes 5.35 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 TOTP 2 Artists include ELO, the Temptations, Fred Wedlock, Sheryl Crow, Bob Marley, Luther Vandross and Dusty Springfield. Ace, ace, who?, bland, ace, bland, ace. In that order. 6.45 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 7.30 Yes, Minister Jim Hacker wants to implement some cost-cutting initiatives – but Sir Humphrey does not approve. I would imagine that hilarity ensues. 8.00 Home Front in the Garden 8.30 The Life Laundry A couple reveal how hoarding tendencies are affecting their relationship. Could be a large collection of porn, perhaps. 9.00 Trouble at the Top: The Earl of Sandwiches Cast your eyes Previewwards. 9.50 Trade Secrets Professional butlers share the tricks of their trade. This is an awesome programme (although the one about bakers was a bit lame). This should have an hour every night. Less of that gardening nonsense. Like anyone’s got a garden anyway. Tchoh! 10.00 Dad's Army 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale A professional emergency forces Bernice and Ashley to turn the spotlight on their relationship. Like, in a pornographic film-shoot way? Ace – fnarr! 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Britain's Brainiest Estate Agent ::weeps gently:: Why must we be tormented by a vengeful TV God? Why why do we have to watch this shit? 9.00 Garages from Hell 2002 Sadly, this is about the sort of garage where you buy petrol and get your car fixed. Not evil garages by the side of your house that might house a portal to the seventh circle of Hell. 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.20 To Kill and Kill Again: Moors Murders 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Police in Action 3 12.25 FILM: In Pursuit of Honor 2.25 Judge Judy 2.45 FILM: The Night Caller “Awesome B-movie scenes!” trumpets Film Desk. Worth staying up for? “Nah, probably not. Have a shag or get some sleep instead.” Thanks. 4.10 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Rownd a Rownd 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion News 8.00 Dudley 8.30 Ffermio 9.00 No Going Back 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Sex and the City 11.10 Sex and the City 11.50 Eden 12.20 FILM: Dances with Wolves 3.45 Football Italia

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs Sadie informs Pete of Tom and Claire's plan to get Kate away from him. This sounds unbearably convoluted. How can that many people be in one soap opera? 7.00 The Movie Chart Show Featuring a look at Monsters, Inc. Ooh, stop press! I’ve just this minute come back from watching that. It was ace – not as good as Shrek but it had its moments. A word of warning, though – go in the evening in order to avoid legions of fucking horrible kids who’ll talk through the whole thing, throw popcorn in your hair and run around ripped to the tits on food colouring. Littler cunts. 7.30 5 News 8.00 FILM: Cool Hand Luke “This is the one with egg-eating scene, isn’t it?” queries inept Film Desk. Yes, it is. 10.25 FILM: Braddock: Missing in Action III “Hooray for Chuck Norris!” squeals Film Desk, clearly unable to handle the sugar content of a whole Mars Bar. Idiot. 12.30 NHL Ice Hockey Live! 3.30 NHL Ice Hockey Replay: All Star Game Slipknot vs the cast of Rentaghost. A very closefought game.

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 Tales of a Wise King 7.00 9.00 Meego 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Spin City 12.55 Cheers 1.25 Supporting Acts 1.35 FILM: Cottage to Let 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 15-to-1 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Citigroup Photography Prize 8.00 Brookside 8.30 Location, Location, Location 9.00 10.00 Sex and the City 10.40 Sex and the City 11.20 Teachers 12.20 4 Music: All Back to Mine 12.55 House of Rock 1.15 The Carling Weekend Reading Festival 1.30 4 Play 1.45 4 Play 2.00 Living by the Book 2.55 FILM: The Possession of Joel Delaney 4.45 R Mertonensis 4.50 Powerhouse 5.15 Countdown


Wednesday 6 February

Coronation Street ITV 7.30pm



Today’s Highlights

A Question Of Sport BBC1 7.00pm


Brookside Channel 4 8.00pm

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

CHOICE Trouble at the Top: The Earl of Sandwiches BBC2, 9.00pm

(029) 2022 9977


This programme is a bit of a gloat really, in a kind of ‘your business is going down the toilet, mind if we watch?’ sort of way. But tonight’s should be good. John Montagu, the eleventh Earl of Sandwich, is strapped for

cash, and has decided to cash in on his famous family name by launching a range of hoity-toity sandwiches. However, when the consultant celebrity chef tells him that his fillings are far from perfect, it looks as if he faces an uphill struggle to make a profit. Nice to think that centuries of inbreeding have resulted in the Sandwich family only just realising that they can cash in on their ancestor’s great contribution to world cuisine. Fools. And even then they fuck it up. How hard can it be to get a sandwich wrong? Hurrah for the ruling classes...



7 February

Thursday HTV



6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Call My Bluff 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Diagnosis Murder 2.55 Birds of a Feather 3.25 Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 Rugrats 4.10 The Cramp Twins 4.25 The Story of Tracy Beaker 4.35 The Mummy 5.00 Grange Hill 5.25 Newsround 5.35 Neighbours Lou may lose Lolly permanently. Will Paul be given another chance? Not Paul Robinson? Surely? What next? Helen Daniels rising from the dead?

6.00 Open University 7.00 Oscar's Orchestra 7.25 Monster Rancher 7.45 Blue Peter 8.15 Dr Otter 8.25 Oakie Doke 8.35 64 Zoo Lane Due to a recent change in circumstances, I no longer have to get up as early as I have done for the past six months. I shall not miss 64 Zoo Lane’s early-morning antics – it’s just more fucking puppets (although puppets that fuck would be an incentive). 8.45 Fireman Sam 9.00 Teletubbies 9.50 Playdays 10.10 Tweenies 10.50 Schools 12.30 Working Lunch 1.00 Dr Otter 1.10 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 2.40 Assembly Live 3.20 Snooker Masters Tournament 5.15 Weakest Link USA

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Crossroads 2.10 Where the Heart Is 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.25 Oops! 3.30 Ripley and Scuff 3.55 Hey Arnold! 4.20 Fingertips 4.40 Don't Eat the Neighbours 5.05 Night and Day Natalie and Rachel decide to use the local bishop to help get rid of Steph. I’d like this think this involves battering Steph to death with the bishop from a giant chess set. But I doubt it does. Ah well, better luck next time. 5.30 Crossroads

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/ Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Bryn Seren 12.45 Planed Plant: Ari Awyren 1.00 Planed Plant: Tecwyn y Tractor 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 Battle Stations 2.45 15-to-1 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Stori'r Anifeiliaid 4.05 Tafarn y Gwr Drwg 4.35 Siop Siafad 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy There was another cracking story about the happy couple on Popbitch this week. Something about Richard demanding Judy doing sex with him before each edition of This Morning. Ugh. How could she? How could he?

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Cosby Mysteries 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.40 FILM: Desperado: The Outlaw Wars “The outlaws mustn’t fight among themselves – otherwise how will they throw off the mantle of imperialism?” warns a querrelous Film Desk. 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Vets in Practice: Duty Calls 7.30 EastEnders Mel's suspicions are aroused when she hears about the Beales' new purchase. Fnarr! Oh, sorry, ‘suspicions’. Thought you said something else. 8.00 DIY SOS Nick Knowles's team tackles the conservatory and playroom of a half-finished house in Caterham. No! Let them finish it themselves! Bloody pikeys. 8.30 This Is Your Life 9.00 Clocking Off 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Question Time 11.35 Dragon's Eye Still dull, but still sounds like a euphemism. 12.05 Sn**ker Masters Tournament If anyone can present me with documentary evidence of a snooker player’s trousers ‘hilariously’ tearing at the seams as he bends over to take a shot I’ll, er, berate them for being so tragic. Or something. 12.50 FILM: Baby on Board “A bit crap but it’s got Judge Reinhold in it and he’s a legend,” wibbles Film Desk. 2.20 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Sn**ker Masters Tournament Take your fancy waistcoats and your daft upside-down glasses and sod off. 7.30 The Flying Gardener After offering to create an alpine garden in Wales, Chris Beardshaw travels by helicopter to the top of Snowdon to assess the local flora with alpine expert Barbara Jones. I’ve not been there myself but I’ve heard Snowdon isn’t that high and can be climbed in a matter of hours. So why the helicopter? Lazy bastard. 8.00 Dragon's Eye 8.30 History Hunters 9.00 Horizon: Death of the Iceman 9.50 Bitter Inheritance Living with genetic diseases. A boy whose mother has Huntington's disease must decide whether to have the test to see if he has inherited the deadly gene. Probably not a laugh a minute. But I’m guessing he does have the test otherwise it’s a very short programme, viz: “Would you like to have this test done?”, “No, thanks”. The end. See? 10.30 Newsnight 11.20 African Cup of Nations 12.00 Despatch Box 12.30 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Pollard begins to suspect the Dingles' gnome scam. Good God, do people really watch this? 7.30 Fun in the Sun Senior citizens from Tredegar and bikers from Liverpool converge on Tenby as the series capturing a summer in the top Welsh tourist resort focuses on the end of the season. This would be more entertaining if you take ‘converge’ as meaning ‘have a big fight on the beach’. But I don’t think it does. 8.00 The Bill 10.00 ITV News at Ten 10.30 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 11.00 Night and Day Mike has fears about his bedroom and football skills, and Steph is embarrassed to see Josh in the shower. Just because something’s on late at night doesn’t mean it has to be full of sauciness. I mean, clearly it helps. But at least do it properly – snuff porn or something. 12.00 Pulling Power 12.35 Dharma and Greg 1.00 CD:UK 1.50 Riders and Rich Kids 2.15 Cybernet 2.45 Trisha 3.40 Tonight with Trevor McDonald 4.05 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Porc Peis Bach 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion News 8.00 Byd Pws: Siapan 8.30 Ar Dan 9.00 Father Ted 9.30 Driven 10.00 Brookside 10.30 Slaymaker 11.05 Tabw 11.40 Banzai 12.10 Eden 12.40 Temptation Island 1.40 FILM: The Saint of Fort Washington 3.25 Third Watch

6.00 Home and Away 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 The Pepsi Chart There were some pictures of hostess Abbie Eastwood in FHM or a similar wank mag a few months back and even a bikini and the contents of a bottle of baby oil couldn’t hide the fact that she’s a bit ugly, like. 7.30 5 News 8.00 The Legend of Ronnie Biggs He’s not a legend – he’s a criminal. And he’s not some sort of diamond geezer, he’s a cunt. Nearly dead though. 9.00 FILM: On Deadly Ground “Absolutely fucking dreadful – far and away one of the funniest films I’ve ever seen,” splutters Film Desk. 11.00 Real Sex: Spiritual Sex Workshop This episode features a Cherokee sex workshop, Italian porn starturned politician Cicciolina, and pain and pleasure at Auntie Maim's House of Domination. Do you remember Pop Will Eat Itself? They wrote a song about Cicciolina. Not heard it though. Sorry. 11.50 Jonathan Pearce's Football Night 12.40 Dutch Football: Feyenoord v Roda JC 2.15 Channel 5 Football Classic: Manchester United v Celtic 3.55 Channel 5 Football Classic: 1860 Munich v Newcastle 5.35 Motorsport Mundial

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Trap Door 6.05 Animal Alphabet 7.00 9.00 Meego 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Spin City 1.00 All Sorts 1.20 FILM: The Bedford Incident 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 15-to-1 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Eden 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.55 Citigroup Photography Prize 8.00 Driven 8.30 Brookside 9.00 The Trust: Children's Ward 10.00 Friends 10.30 Banzai 11.05 The Estate Agents 11.30 So Graham Norton 12.25 Temptation Island 1.25 Football Italia Mezzanotte 3.10 Trans World Sport 4.05 Nokia Snowboard World Cup 5.00 Powerhouse 5.25 Countdown

EastEnders BBC1 7.30pm

Bitter Inheritance BBC2 9.50pm

The Bill ITV 8.00pm

The Estate Agents Channel 4 11.05pm

CHOICE Tabw S4C, 11.05pm Good Lord above, has S4C suddenly gone all saucy on us? Normally seen as a rather staid channel, content to host programmes about farming and rugby, suddenly – like a blast of goo from a gentleman’s pant hammer – Tabw is here. It promises to be a revealing

look at the sex lives of the Welsh. I’m not sure if a survey of this kind has been carried out before but I’m sure the results will be very entertaining – either because they’ll show that the Welsh are a degenerate bunch who’ll shag anything with a pulse. Or (before you start writing in) because it will show that the Welsh have more or less the same bedroom proclivities as any other nation. Sex is sex whatever your nationality and I’m sure wearing a hat with a buckle on it doesn’t make much difference

Thursday 7 February



Today’s Highlights



(unless worn for contraceptive purposes). Banzai S4C, 10.30pm This will probably already have been on Channel 4 last week – in which case this is a good opportunity to catch up with the second series of this frankly awesome gambling show. “Place bets now!” Haha, always makes me laugh...


8 February


Robot Wars Extreme BBC2 6.00pm

Friday 8 February





6.00 Breakfast 9.00 Kilroy 10.00 Housecall 11.00 Garden Invaders 11.30 House Invaders 12.00 Call My Bluff 12.30 Passport to the Sun 1.00 BBC News; Weather 1.30 Regional News and Weather 1.45 Neighbours 2.10 Tennis – Davis Cup 2002 3.25 Tweenies Songtime; Tweenies 3.45 Rugrats 3.55 SMart on the Road 4.10 The Wild Thornberrys 4.35 The Next Big Thing 5.00 Blue Peter 5.20 Newsround Extra 5.35 Neighbours Will Paul be selected for a team? Please, please be Paul Robinson. Someone write in and tell me – I’m too busy/lazy to watch but I’ll watch if it’s Robinson.

6.00 Open University 7.00 Oscar's Orchestra 7.25 Monster Rancher 7.45 Captain Abercromby 8.00 The Lampies 8.15 Bill and Ben 8.25 Oakie Doke 8.35 64 Zoo Lane 8.45 Fireman Sam 9.00 Teletubbies 9.25 Playdays 9.45 Tweenies 10.10 Schools 11.50 Tennis and Snooker Whoa! Whoa! Whoa there, Mister BBC2 controller! Are you seriously telling me that we’ve got six hours of sport this afternoon? And not even any Weakest Link? This is a sick and twisted world and you, sir, are twisting it that little bit further. And don’t even get me started about replacing The Simpsons with Robot Wars. Grrr.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 Trisha 10.30 This Morning 12.00 Wish You Were Here...? Today 12.30 ITV Lunchtime News and Weather 1.10 Shortland Street 1.40 Raymond Blanc's Passion for Perfection 2.10 House to House 2.40 Grand Gardens 3.10 ITV News Headlines 3.15 HTV News and Weather 3.25 Oops! 3.30 Ripley and Scuff 3.55 Hey Arnold! 4.20 Fingertips 4.40 Don't Eat the Neighbours 5.05 Airline 5.30 Fat Club Not actually as funny as it could be. If the fatties were forced to exercise on trampolines and space hoppers it would be ace.

6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 The Hoobs 7.00 The Big Breakfast 9.00 Ysgolion/ Schools 12.00 Powerhouse 12.30 Planed Plant: Pot Mel 1.00 Planed Plant: Criw Babalw 1.15 Pet Rescue 1.45 NHS Chefs 2.45 15-to1 3.15 Countdown 4.00 Uned 5 4.50 Ffeil 5.00 Richard and Judy There was another Richard and Judy story on Popbitch this week – again, I’m not sure of the details but I think it involved Judy being seen being violently sick in some pub toilets. Which may or not be connected to Richard’s daily demands for her to make sex with him. Ugh, the very idea.

6.00 Sunrise 6.30 Dappledown Farm 6.55 Jay Jay the Jet Plane 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Bear in the Big Blue House 8.30 Beachcomber Bay 9.00 Havakazoo Mmm, don’t mind if I do, thanks. 9.30 House Doctor 10.00 The Wright Stuff 11.00 The Cosby Mysteries 12.00 5 News at Noon 12.30 Home and Away 1.00 Family Affairs 1.30 Oprah 2.20 Open House with Gloria Hunniford 3.35 FILM: Rough Night in Jericho “Not as good as a rough night with Then Jericho – I used to fancy the lead singer, you know,” sighs a wistful Film Desk. 5.30 5 News

6.00 BBC News 6.30 Wales Today; Weather 7.00 Tune Team Josie D'Arby and Rhodri Williams are asked to compose a sporting anthem to spur on a female basketball team. Any title with the word ‘hoop’ in it would be fine by me. 7.30 Top of the Pops 8.00 EastEnders Laura's attempts to apologise seriously backfire. No doubt with unremittingly grim consequences – this is EastEnders after all. 8.30 Two Thousand Acres of Sky I’d rather have 2,000 acres of nachos. But if it’s free I’ll have 2,000 acres of pretty much anything, thanks. 9.30 Belonging 10.00 BBC News 10.25 Regional News and Weather 10.35 Lucky Bag 11.05 Chewin' the Fat Sketch show with Ford Kiernan, Greg Hemphill and Karen Dunbar. Hey! He’s called Ford – he must be astonishing skill and ace. 11.35 Breaking the Ice: The Winter Olympics 2002 12.20 FILM: Across the Tracks “Early Brad Pitt film that doesn’t look much cop but the director’s called Sandy Tung, which is a great name,” claims Film Desk 2.00 Olympic Grandstand 4.15 Joins BBC News 24

6.00 Robot Wars Extreme Engineering wank-fodder who people who get excited about camshafts and circuit boards and who are completely unaware that either themselves or other people own naughty parts with which they can have a lot of fun. 6.45 Scrum V Live: Ebbw Vale v Llanelli 9.00 Jubilee Day: Timewatch 9.50 RealSoap: Trade Secrets Photographers focus on how to develop photographic skills. Ooh, should be useful. 10.00 Have I Got Old News for You Angus Deayton, Ian Hislop and Paul Merton are joined by guests Dom Joly and David Aaronovitch. In an entirely complimentary way, I reckon Dom Joly looks like GR’s own film powerhouse, Jonathan Steven. 10.30 Newsnight 11.00 Newsnight Review 11.35 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 12.35 Robot Wars Extreme 1.20 FILM: Destiny Turns On the Radio “Crummy ‘comedy thriller’ with a fucking dreadful name – and a character called Jonny Destiny. I mean, Jeeeesus,” mopes and exasperated Film Desk. 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.00 HTV News and Weather 6.30 ITV Evening News; Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Phil takes steps towards a reconciliation with Maggie. If someone was trying to reconcile with me they couldn’t go far wrong if they brought Steps along. Oh, I see what they mean... 7.30 Coronation Street The factory girls turn on Fiz. Fnarr! 8.00 Wish You Were Here...? 8.30 Inspector Morse A brutal murder disturbs the tranquillity of an ancient Oxford college. Again. 10.30 ITV Weekend News 10.50 Barry Welsh Is Coming Old Mr Ffff has an accident in bed. I’ve never seen this but I feel drawn to it by that man called Mr Ffff. 11.20 HTV News and Weather 11.30 Club Reps Two couples from Lancashire arrive in Faliraki determined to party, no matter what. Expect this to be as tawdry and cheap as it sounds. 12.00 Veronica's Closet 12.30 The Last Don 2.15 David Gray in Profile 2.40 Box Office America 3.05 World Football 3.30 Trisha 4.30 Judge Judy 4.50 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

6.00 Newyddion 6 News 6.05 Wedi 6 6.30 Pacio 7.00 Pobol y Cwm 7.25 Newyddion News 8.00 Cefn Gwlad: Aled Davies 8.30 Da 'Di Dil 'De 9.00 Father Ted 9.30 Smack the Pony 10.00 Brookside 10.35 Frasier 11.05 So Graham Norton 11.55 Eden 12.25 The Estate Agents 12.55 Thumb Bandits 1.25 Black Books 1.55 FILM: Underground

6.00 Home and Away Alf offends Leah with a racist remark. Probably taken from Prince Phillip’s Book of Race-Hate Slurs. 6.30 Family Affairs 7.00 Toyota World of Wildlife: Appetite and Diet The programme delves into the mechanics of the food chain and discovers how certain animals have learned to use tools to assist them in their quest for a meal. Look! It’s a capybara with a Magimix! And there’s a Kingfisher with a meat tenderiser! 7.30 5 News 8.00 Gladiators of World War II: The Waffen-SS 9.00 FILM: Rent-a-Cop “Nah, probably not very good,” shrugs Film Desk. 11.00 FILM: The Beneficiary “I think it might be meant to be an erotic drama – but I fail to see the eroticism,” complains Film Desk. 12.45 FILM: Off the Minnesota Strip “Yer bog standard pimp/whore/small town girl sort of thing,” yawns Film Desk. 2.25 FILM: Black Bart “Ancient western. You should be asleep by now, anyway,” castigates Film Desk. 3.45 Oceania 4.00 Sons and Daughters 4.25 Sons and Daughters 4.50 Two 5.30 Okavango

CH4. As S4C except: 9.00 Meego 9.30 4Learning 12.30 Spin City 12.55 Cheers 1.30 Supporting Acts 1.35 FILM: Sailor of the King 3.15 Pet Rescue 3.45 15-to-1 4.15 Countdown 5.00 Richard and Judy 6.00 Eden 6.30 Hollyoaks 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Unreported World: Philippines 8.00 Planet Storm: Fire 8.30 Brookside 9.00 9.30 10.00 Frasier 10.30 So Graham Norton 11.20 Black Books 11.55 The Estate Agents 12.25 Thumb Bandits 12.55 FILM: Kentucky Fried Movie 2.30 Five Feet High and Rising 3.00 Infection 3.15 Third Watch 4.00 Brimstone 4.50 Powerhouse 5.15 Countdown


Emmerdale ITV 7.00pm



Today’s Highlights

Breaking The Ice BBC1 11.35pm


Frasier Channel 4 10.00pm

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals

CHOICE Jubilee Day: Timewatch BBC2, 9.00pm

(029) 2022 9977


Now that all the hoo-ha about the Golden Jubilee has officially started, it’s time for the TV people to get in on the act. Timewatch is doing the utterly predictable tonight by looking back at the different ways that people marked the

Silver Jubilee in 1977 – from the Royal Bonfire in Windsor Great Park, street parties in Fulham and village fetes in Hampshire and Worcestershire to the Sex Pistols' anti-royalist boat trip on the Thames. It will be interesting to see whether or not the programme also features any footage of the average man on the street who did have a fete or stage an elaborate anti-royal show but who just thought the whole thing was a bit overblown and a waste of taxpayers’ money. Because there are plenty of those about now and I’m sure there were plenty about back then...



9 February

Saturday HTV



7.00 CBBC: Little Bear 7.25 The Itsy Bitsy Spider 7.50 Alvin and the Chipmunks 8.15 UBOS 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Saturday Show 12.00 Football Focus 12.50 BBC News; Weather 1.00 Grandstand 1.15 Rugby League: Wigan v Hull 3.00 Rugby League: Bradford v Leeds 4.45 Wales on Saturday 5.15 BBC News; Weather Oh my sweet, sweet days – what a thoroughly depressing afternoon’s programming on BBC1. Why don’t you...wash the bath (it’s a state); discover a cure for a major disease; spell out ‘SOS’ in big letters on your roof and see if anyone lands; start your won religion...

6.15 Open University 8.00 Weekend 24 9.00 Olympic Grandstand 10.40 See Hear on Saturday 11.25 The Sky at Night 11.45 Afoot Again in the Past 12.00 Tennis and Snooker...invent a word to describe the state of your mouth when you wake up with a hangover; give yourself 30 minutes to write and enforce a workable constituion for Britain; train an alsation to do the washing up; go deaf; make ice-cream; have sex; go to the library and hand over the bottom of your trousers – just to see if the librarian says ‘that’s a turn-up for the books’; play Trivial Pursuits; invade a small island and start a tinpot dictatorship.

6.00 GMTV 9.25 SMTV Live 11.30 CD:UK 12.30 ITV News; Weather 12.35 HTV News and Weather 12.40 On the Ball 1.30 The New Addams Family 2.00 FILM: The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming! 4.20 The Goal Rush 5.05 HTV News and Weather 5.20 ITV News; Sports Results; Weather 5.35 The Brits Are Coming S Club 7 host a preview of the Brit Awards, with profiles of Sting, Dido and the Strokes, with live performances from Turin Brakes and S Club 7, and moments from the Brit archives. Brett Anderson smacking his arse ::yawn:: (Don’t insult my husband - Ed)

6.00 The Magic Roundabout 6.05 Animal Alphabet 6.10 The Hoobs 6.35 Blue's Clues 7.00 Nokia Snowboard World Cup 8.00 Trans World Sport 9.00 The Morning Line 10.00 Sporting Talk 10.30 Driven 11.00 Smallville: Superman the Early Years 11.55 Stargate SG-1 12.50 Channel 4 Racing from Newbury, Haydock Park and Ayr 4.35 All Sorts 5.00 Newyddion News 5.10 Y Clwb Rygbi: Castel Nedd v Penybont Ah! Now I know that means Neath v Brigend. But I deleted the text that told me the answer so you’ll think I’m infinitely wise. Ahem...

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.10 WideWorld 6.35 WideWorld 7.00 Sunrise 8.00 Milkshake! 8.05 Fat Dog Mendoza 8.30 The Powerpuff Girls 8.55 Strange Dawn 9.20 Xcalibur 9.50 Max Steel 10.15 Animal Xtremes 10.25 Animal Xtremes 10.35 Xena: Warrior Princess 11.30 Trex 2 12.00 The Tribe 12.30 5 News Saturday 1.00 Popular 1.55 Atlantis High 2.25 The Pepsi Chart 2.55 Home and Away Omnibus 5.00 Night Fever 5.55 FILM: The Last Wagon “All westerns are shit this one is probably no exception,” slams Film Desk.

5.30 Wales on Saturday 5.35 My Hero No, no, no – Ardal O’Hanlon, you lovely man you – why are you still in this? 6.05 Dog Eat Dog 6.40 Jim Davidson's Generation Game Jim Davidson opens his mouth to remark about how funny foreigners can be when a plague of locusts spews forth from his gibbering voicehole and proceeds to devour him alive. The remaining skeleton is then fed piece by bigoted piece into a shredder and the dust is sold back to the show’s producers who think it’s high-quality cocaine. CUNTS! 7.35 The National Lottery Jet Set 8.10 Casualty 9.00 BBC News; Weather 9.15 FILM: Enemy of the State “Actually not that bad. Ali looks like it’s going to be bomb but leave before R Kelly starts singing – he’s the biggest twat in the whole word and his songs are liquid shit,” bellows Film Desk. 11.20 FILM: Contagious 12.55 They Think It's All Over 1.25 Chewin' the Fat 1.55 A Question of Sport 2.25 Top of the Pops 2.55 Joins BBC News 24

6.55 What the Papers Say 7.05 Masterworks I was going to be all highbrow and erudite and recommend this programme but it’s about Shostakovich and I reckon he was rubbish. Sorry. 8.30 Yes, Minister Jim tries to implement a privacy safeguard for a new national computer database. With hilarious consequences, obviously. 9.00 Sn**ker Masters Tournament Steve Davis and John Parrott introduce coverage of the second semifinal. Commentary by Clive Everton, Dennis Taylor, Willie Thorne and John Virgo. There have to be so many commentators because they either drift off or kill themselves during the proceedings. 10.30 Olympic Grandstand Coverage of the women's moguls from Deer Valley. Moguls are rock hard – so this might be good. 11.30 FILM: Sugartime “No idea, but it’s got John Turturro in and he’s cool – so, you know, if you’re not doing anything you might as well watch,” placates Film Desk. 1.15 FILM: Piccadilly Third Stop “Sixties crime thrillery thing – watch the Hammer Horror on S4C instead,” reckons Film Desk. 3.00 BBC Learning Zone

6.05 Pop Idol Ooh! Ooh! It’s the final. Thank fuck... 6.10 New You've Been Framed! 6.40 Home Alone Ulrika Jonsson presents the home improvement show with a difference, as the family home is changed to the letter according to the designs of the family's children. I was going to remark about Ulrika being on BBC1 as well tonight, but I’ve just read the premise of the programme and it sounds awesome. I might, in all seriousness, watch this. 7.10 Pop Idol 8.10 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 8.45 ITV Weekend News 9.00 Pop Idol Result No, this is just an update... 9.05 Another Audience with Ken Dodd 10.05 Pop Idol Result Ant and Dec announce the result of the viewers' vote between the two finalists live on air. FIGHT! 10.30 The Premiership 11.45 Club Reps 12.15 FILM: Sea of Love “Not bad – don’t know why it’s been shoved away here,” moans Film Desk 2.25 Veronica's Closet 2.50 Popped in, Crashed Out 3.15 Box Office America 3.40 ITV at the Festivals 2001 4.35 World Sport 5.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News

7.15 Newyddion a Chwaraeon News and sport 7.30 C'mon Midffild 8.00 Nia 9.00 O Flaen Dy Lygaid: Logos, Labeli a Brandiau Di-ri 10.00 100 Greatest Kids TV 1.35 FILM: Vampire Circus 3.05 Unreported World 3.35 FILM: Seven Days to Noon

7.45 5 News and Sport 8.00 Loch Ness Monster: The Search for the Truth If only the scientists spent the time developing thistle whistles like out of The Family Ness they’d save themselves a lot of time and effort... 9.00 CSI: Crime Scene Investigation The CSIs investigate the disappearance of a student. When her body is found, they conclude that her death was the result of a series of random events. Typical bloody student – in an effort to be all crazy and ‘wacky’ even her death is, like, completely random. 9.55 Law and Order 10.55 FILM: Cujo Tense thriller adapted from the Stephen King novel, in which a rabid St Bernard terrorises a young mother and her child. “Awesome! But St. Bernards aren’t scary – they’re just really big. That’s crap...” concedes Film Desk. 12.45 FILM: I Wanted Wings “Brown or red?” enquires filthy-minded Film Desk. 3.05 FILM: The Singing Sheriff “Fuck knows, but one of the stars is called Doodles Weaver so set the video for this one,” sniggers Film Desk 4.05 Russell Grant's Postcards 4.15 Sons and Daughters 4.40 Sons and Daughters 5.05 Okavango 5.30 Bamboo Bears

CH4. As S4C except: 10.30 Football Italia Gazzetta 11.30 The John Charles Story 12.00 The Fugitive 12.50 4.35 Brookside 6.00 Gladiator Girl 7.15 7.30 Channel 4 News 8.05 Channel 4 Political Awards 9.00 Fame and Misfortune: Sex Files Haven’t seen any of this series yet but will try to check out these rubbernecking tales of celeb debauchery. You should probably do the same, unless you have a life, of course. 10.00 Top Ten - Duets 11.40 FILM: Touch “It’s based on an Elmore Leonard book – but the book wasn’t much good and neither, unfortunately, is the film. Even though it’s got Christopher Walken in it and he rocks big time,” nods an unusually informative Film Desk. 1.30 FILM: I, Monster 2.50 Code Name: Eternity 3.40 Code Name: Eternity 4.30 Crusade 5.15 Countdown

Casualty BBC1 8.10pm

My Hero BBC1 5.35pm

Who Wants to be a Millionaire? ITV 8.10pm

Pop Idol ITV The entire night

CHOICE Pop Idol ITV, 6.05pm, 7.10pm, 9.00pm, 10.05pm Allah be praised, it’s the last Pop Idol – and we’ve waited long enough. I can’t even remember when it started it’s been so long – it just clogs together with Pop Stars in TV Desk’s comprehensive pap database.

As I’m writing this, the public are busy deciding which one of the final three contestants to eliminate – hopefully that weedy Gareth, or the Joker-alike Will, or the smarmy Darius or...oh bugger. Still, it’s not like being the actual winner will make that much difference. There’s been so much hype about virtually all of the last ten contestants that they’re bound to have success in their own right – in fact, it may even be a blessing being the runner up beacuse then you won’t have Pete Waterman telling you what to do.

Saturday 9 February



Today’s Highlights



Rumour has it that Fat Rik has recorded a song (possibly, gulp, a cover of Unchained Melody or a similar standard) which he plans to release in time for Mothers’ Day – on the same day as the official Pop Idol single. I reckon the best way to sort that little squabble out isn’t in the charts but in a paddling pool full of spaghetti hoops and jellyfish. “Rik, meet Gareth. I’d like a nice clean fight – no ducking, no diving, no petting, no pushing. May the best man win...”


10 February


Heartbeat ITV 8.30pm

Never Mind the Buzzcocks BBC2 11.30pm

STAYING IN TONIGHT? Call for the latest student deals





6.00 CBeebies: Teletubbies 6.45 Breakfast 9.00 Breakfast with Frost 10.00 The Heaven and Earth Show 11.00 Hot Houses 11.30 Countryfile 12.00 On the Record 1.00 Holiday Snaps 1.10 EastEnders 3.00 Sn**ker and Tennis 4.45 Olympic Grandstand Another great record is the new one from The Soundtrack Of Our Lives. It’s, well, the soundtrack to weekend paper action in here at the moment. Some of them used to be in a band called Union Carbide Productions who were famous for giving each other blowjobs backstage.

6.10 Open University: Looking at What Happens in Hospital Erm... babies’ corpses get thrown into laundry baskets for example. “Wasn’t that a song by Tenpole Tudor?” asks Ford. 6.35 Simple Beginnings? 7.00 English Only in America? 7.25 Object Lessons 7.30 Truth Will Out 7.45 A Life of Time 8.15 CBBC: UBOS 8.35 The Wild Thornberrys 9.00 The Woody Woodpecker Show 9.20 The Cramp Twins 9.35 The Mummy 9.55 Grange Hill 10.45 The Next Big Thing 11.10 Tennis and Sn**ker 3.50 African Cup of Nations

6.00 GMTV 9.25 The Premiership 10.25 Scooby Doo – Where Are You? 10.55 Maisy 11.00 My Favourite Hymns 12.00 VSO 12.30 Waterfront 12.55 HTV News and Weather 1.00 Jonathan Dimbleby 2.00 Soccer Sunday 2.30 FILM: Murder in a Small Town 4.10 Planet's Funniest Animals 4.30 Remember... 5.00 HTV News and Weather 5.15 Oliver Twist So this is it. The last page of TV I will ever do (unless I come back, like I did at the beginning of the academic year. Or get a job doing this on a proper paper... mmmm).

6.15 Salty's Lighthouse 6.40 The Hoobs 7.05 Blue's Clues 7.35 Football Italia 8.35 Futurama 9.00 Futurama 9.30 As If 10.00 Hollyoaks 12.00 Rownd a Rownd 1.00 Y Clwb 2.00 Welsh in a Week 2.30 Brookside 3.55 Six Experiments that Changed the World 4.25 Maniffesto 5.25 Newyddion 5.35 Pobol y Cwm Omnibws And to think that virtually that whole time, I’ve had nothing of note to say about the televisual output of S4C. Well here goes – it’s crap. I could say something deliberately annoying to annoy Welsh people...

6.00 Russell Grant's Postcards 6.05 WideWorld 6.30 Miracles of Faith 7.00 Milkshake! 7.05 Beachcomber Bay 7.30 Tickle, Patch and Friends 8.00 Adventures from the Book of Virtues 8.30 Babar 9.00 The Enid Blyton Secret Series 9.35 Tintin 10.05 Pet Project 10.35 Hercules: the Legendary Journeys 11.30 Date That 12.00 The Tribe 12.30 5 News Update 12.35 The Academy 1.05 Edgemont 1.30 Dark Knight 2.30 Family Affairs Omnibus 4.50 5 News and Sport 5.15 FILM: Fairy Tale: A True Story ...but I like the Welsh language. Really.

6.10 Stig of the Dump Ford: “The book’s awesome. Shame about the TV series though.” 6.40 BBC News; Weather 7.00 Regional News; Weather 7.05 Last of the Summer Wine Wesley attempts to cheer up Smiler with the help of a hand-crafted trolley. “Well, obviously the trolley will end up winding its way through a dale with three old men in it,” says Ford. But where will the tin bath come in? “The trolley will hit it. And then Nora Batty will go arse-first into a ditch.” Last Of The Summer Wine – now there’s a national insitution I will sorely miss wittering on about. 7.35 Songs of Praise 8.10 The Tiger: a Wildlife Special 9.00 Playing the Field 10.00 BBC News; Weather 10.15 Panorama 11.00 Accidents in Space 11.50 FILM: Trapped in Space With Jack Wagner and Jack Coleman. Ford: “Never heard of it.” Sorry darlings. 1.20 Joins BBC News 24 PARSONS NEMESIS BREAKS LEWIS EDGE ■ JOMEC-COME-LATELYS ■ TIE NEVER WORN AGAIN EVER

6.00 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 6.30 Olympic Grandstand 8.00 Sn**ker Masters Tournament 10.30 Olympic Grandstand 11.30 Never Mind the Buzzcocks Repeat from Monday. Unlikely to have aged well. 12.00 Aaagh! It's the Mr Hell Show! Aaagh! It’s not very funny! 12.25 Robot Wars Extreme 2.00 BBC Learning Zone: Exam Revision: GCSE Bitesize: French 1 4.00 Languages: Talk German 1-4 5.00 Working in Education: IT in the Classroom This ‘writer’ is quite proud of the fact that since he’s started doing TV Desk, every single complaint that’s come in has been about him. Apart from something Vicky said about Lena Zavaroni, but even he typed that. Let’s just fill this space, then, with a few random opinions – some of which the writer might actually hold, and some of which are just deliberately offensive. 1. Myra should be let out 2. Gypsies can’t drive. 3. What is so important about the sanctity of human life anyway? 4. Conjunctivitis is AIDS of the eyes.

6.15 ITV News; Weather 6.30 Michael Barrymore's My Kind of Music 7.30 Coronation Street 8.00 Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 8.30 Heartbeat 9.30 The Swap 11.00 ITV Weekend News 11.15 The South Bank Show Awards For outstanding achievement in the art of Preview – DJ Mencap! 12.25 What's It All About? 12.55 FILM: Babe Ruth Ford: “Never seen it. But he loved the lash, so fair play to him.” 2.35 Survival Special 3.35 Cybernet 4.00 ITV Nightscreen 5.30 ITV Early Morning News OK, to prove we’re not going to come back and annoy the shit out of you (and everyone in the GR office on a Thursday evening), here is a thanks list. I seem to have given myself a lot more space than is necessary for the people who deserve thanks, so I will probably just make some people up. Or cry, or something. Thanks first to the Almighty God in his Kingdom of Heaven, you are all-powerful and there is... hang on, I thought I was P Diddy. Sorry about that. (C5)

7.30 Y Sioe Gelf 8.00 Dechrau Canu Dechrau Canmol 8.30 Portreadau: Robin Llywelyn 9.00 Iechyd Da 9.45 Newyddion 10.00 FILM: What Dreams May Come “Fucking dreadful.” 12.05 The Trust 1.05 Channel 4 Political Awards 2.05 4Dance 2.35 4Dance 3.30 4Dance - Watermark 4.00 FILM: The Scarlet Blade

7.05 Martial Law 8.00 Ultimate Rollercoaster 9.00 FILM: Most Wanted Ford: “No idea. Probably arse.” 10.55 The FBI Files 11.55 Law and Order 12.55 NHL Ice Hockey Live 4.00 NHL Ice Hockey Replay Thanks to Paul, Vicky and Sarah for letting me write whatever I like (mostly). Thanks to Ford, Nick Harrison, Mr Ford, Sian, Jack, Pearlo, Callows, Lomu and various other people for contributing to TV Desk at one time or other. Thanks to Mofty, Mark, Hass, Dave, Andy Caldicot, Gregory Leslie and Angelaxxx for being constant sources of amusement. Jamie Oliver, Jim Davidson, Dr Fox (the real one, not Wathan), Carol Vorderman and Richard & Judy for being celebrity TV cunts. All soaps for having dirty-sounding plotlines. DJ Assault, Chris Morris, Bill Hicks, Steve Albini, Brian Blessed, Lee Scratch Perry, Jeff Stelling and Lars Elstrup for being heroes of us somehow. Popbitch, Fat Chicks In Party Hats, Buddyhead, Jomec FC, Dean & Nigel, B3TA and AL4A for being ace websites... and you! No, not really. You loser.

CHOICE The South Bank Show Awards ITV, 11.15pm

(029) 2022 9977


What we said about The South Bank Show around the time of its 25th anniversary a few months back still stands. It would be a churl indeed who would attempt to deny its pole position in the field of arts-based terrestrial television – but let’s face it, there’s not much competition. Unless you

CH4. As S4C except: 6.00 The Magic Roundabout 6.05 The Clangers 7.35 The Kids from Room 402 7.35 8.00 Sister Sister 8.30 Malibu 9.00 Ski4 Sunday 9.25 T4: Popworld 10.25 T4: Hollyoaks 12.30 T4: As If 1.10 T4: Eden 2.20 FILM: Damn the Defiant! “Fuck!” says Ford. 4.05 The Science of Secrecy 4.40 Stargate SG-1 5.35 Time Team 6.35 Smallville 8.00 Andy Warhol - The Complete Picture 9.00 Bremner, Bird and Fortune 10.00 FILM: The Fifth Element 12.25 Football Italia: La Partita 1.20 Nokia Snowboard World Cup 2.15 Driven 2.40 Destination Mars 3.35 Plane Crazy 4.30 Channel 4 Political Awards 5.20 Countdown


Sunday 10 February

Coronation Street ITV 7.30pm



Today’s Highlights

Last of the Summer Wine BBC1 7.10pm


consider the fat-tongued blatherings of a mockney cunt who can’t even pronounce ‘malarkey’ to be art, of course. Which obviously you wouldn’t, but this is my last Preview ever and I thought I’d better get a slating of Jamie Oliver in there one more time. But I digress, for we are drifting from the subject. Melvyn Bragg presents this year's awards for outstanding achievement in the arts from the Savoy Hotel, with (hey, I bet you didn’t see this coming, did you?) a special ceremony marking the 25th anniversary of the programme. Cream of envelope-opening-attending hey couture likely to feature.



The Gair Rhydd Features Section Free Word 711

Zimbabwe in crisis

The fear that hangs over Zimbabwe remains palpable, as the state-sanctioned violence mounts in the run-up to the presidential elections that Robert Mugabe – already in power for 21 years – is determined to win at any cost. The country he helped to turn into Africa’s great hope is crumbling into the dust and Britain is held accountable. Felix Inman investigates


wo decades after a decade-long bush war delivered democracy to Zimbabweans, the liberators have now become the oppressors. Ten years of poor management and corruption by the ruling Zanu-PF party, which took fright at the prospect of losing the parliamentary elections in June 2000, has plunged Zimbabwe into political chaos. Now the country’s economy is in tatters, its population in poverty, and its currency worth zilch. Food shortages are only weeks away. Enter Europe, or more vocally forthright – Britain. Perhaps more precisely, Jack Straw, who after returning from the shadows of the ether has decided to take up his post as Foreign Secretary. Despite Blair having clocked up more air miles that your average business tycoon since the 11 September, Straw has finally had his words heard, picked up the travel bug, and at last week’s conference in Brussels bureaucrats bore witness to his newly-acquired hard line on the Zimbabwean situation. Straw spoke of his desire to “put Mugabe on the spot” in an attempt to curb the increasing democratic thuggery taking place in the run-up to the March elections. Recent weeks have witnessed Mr Mugabe push through

increasingly draconian laws, provoking a hotbed of violence in the country, and fuelling an escalation in the intimidation of political opponents. Earlier last month, the Foreign Secretary predicted a push for Zimbabwe to be expelled from the Commonwealth if there appeared to be no sign of improvement. Things, if anything, seem to have deteriorated, resulting in Straw’s hardened stance in Brussels. He said that Mr Mugabe and some 20 senior colleagues face a visa ban and a freeze of their overseas financial assets. A ban on the import of equipment with potential to be used for internal repression would also swing into place. Mr Straw has been whipping up support to impose stringent sanctions for Zimbabwe at last week’s EU meeting of foreign ministers. The sanctions could include a threat to cut aid by £78.5m over five years. Mr Straw wants sanctions to start as soon as next month. His approach to the Commonwealth Minister’s Action Group to insist on Zimbabwe’s suspension is imminent. The Commonwealth, an organisation of 54 countries that arose out of the gradual dissolution of the British Empire, prides itself on being one of the very few international organisations up for throwing out members

for violating democratic norms. Ironically, the Commonwealth’s values are contained in the Harare Declaration, agreed in the Zimbabwean capital in 1991, which sets out democracy, fundamental human rights and the rule of law as the basis of membership. The Commonwealth however, has little practical or financial leverage over Zimbabwe. Critics believe that the new laws being pushed though the Zimbabwean parliament by the government – which allows full control of the media and make all criticism of the state or president a public order offence – make a mockery of the democratic process. British observers and the BBC have been banned from entering the country during the elections. Without them, opposition voters will be deterred and vote rigging will be easier. President Mugabe’s strategy throughout the two-year crisis has been to blame the country’s collapsing economy on a sinister alliance of Britain, white farmers and assorted ‘traitors’ who are conspiring to reverse the country’s independence and prevent him tackling the historic injustices of Zimbabwe’s highly unequal land distribution. This strategy has had limited success, escalating Zimbabwe’s economic crisis while failing to silence an increasingly vocal opposition, the Movement for Democratic Change, which denies the claims of conspiracy and blame’s the country’s plight on the mismanagement and corruption of the Mugabe government. Although Mugabe insists it’s all down to Britain being revanchist, or manipulating the media for it’s

Cricket civilises people and creates good gentlemen. I want everyone to play cricket in Zimbabwe; I want ours to be a nation of gentlemen - Robert Mugabe, 1984

own gain, the pressure is already having an effect on politics, leading to the very early stages of public arguments by people inside Zanu-PF. The Commonwealth’s views are not Mr Mugabe’s highest priority, and he will seek to use Commonwealth pressure as part of his strategy for presenting opposition to his regime as a British-organised conspiracy against Zimbabwean independence, claiming that all internal opposition is being paid for and organised by the former colonial power. This seems to be the reason Jack Straw has stressed the importance of Britain being part of an international coalition putting pressure on Zimbabwe. Along with force from opposition and civil society groups within Zimbabwe, the hope is that this will legitimise international action and undercut Mr Mugabe’s charges of ‘neo colonialism’. Zimbabwe predicts that Britain will not win support among Commonwealth members to suspend it. African Commonwealth members – especially South Africa and Nigeria, who were more instrumental in winning assurances of good behaviour from Zimbabwe last autumn – have more political and economic leverage over Zimbabwe. African countries have started to shift away from seeking to achieve results through behind-the-scenes diplomatic pressure. Zimbabwe’s neighbours appear deeply concerned about the knock-on economic effects of the Zimbabwe crisis both by directly damaging trade and by decreasing investors’ confidence in the region. South African President Thabo Mbeki’s increasing criticism of Zimbabwe has led to Zimbabwe’s state-run newspapers calling him ‘a traitor’ who is ‘in bed with the architects of apartheid’, suggesting that Mr Mugabe is prepared to risk a clash with South Africa despite the potential economic costs to Zimbabwe. As to the rest of Africa, Straw shares Tony Blair’s view that the continent is a scar on the conscience of the world. Britain’s responsibility, according to Straw is a moral one. In terms of Europe’s colonial legacy, he believes the British exploited Africa more unambiguously than they did anywhere else in the world. Now he believes that “we can’t let a great continent go down”. “But,” he says, “Britain’s aid programme needs to have clear strings attached, not linked to trade, which turned out to be a direct subsidy to British industry, but linked to behaviour and good governance.” As to the stories suggesting that he hasn’t cut the mustard as foreign secretary, and as scrutinising eyes deliberate over this Eurosceptic Euro-seller, watch this space as the events unfold in the continent in question. Visits to developing countries demand consumption of malaria tablets, which are said to give the Foreign Secretary awful side effects, provoking ‘the most intense dreams’. Let’s just hope he keeps his head whilst others in the world are losing theirs. Any comments regarding this article, email


INSIDE FOCUS THIS WEEK: Your guide to the pitfalls of house hunting • The demise of Hear’say and the rise of the Pop Idol • Hints and tips for new students • Kylie •

Focus • 14

Gair Rhydd Monday 4 February 2002

Avoid the annual

Renting accommodation can be a tricky and stressful process. But it need not be with gair rhydd’s helpful house-hunting tips. Sally Lambert and Charlotte Spratt guide you through the basics

Gair Rhydd’s guide to House Hunting: When looking around properties it is important that you see all the rooms, and that you take particular note of what furniture/appliances come with the house and which the present occupiers have provided themselves. Try to speak to one of the present tenants away from the person actually showing you round, as they are more likely to give you a genuine opinion on the property.


he typical image of student accommodation is, lets face it, a shithole. It usually involves piles of washing-up, walls covered in posters to hide the chipped sludge coloured paint and an infestation of local rats or in my house, slugs. However, don’t panic just yet, because what you can and should expect from your accommodation is actually quite different. So whether you are a first-time house-hunter or you’re looking to move somewhere different to where you are now, read on to make sure you know your facts from fiction in the world of private accommodation. One of the most important points when looking for accommodation is not to feel rushed into choosing where you live next year.

Many letting agencies and landlords will have you believe that to get a half-way decent house you have to look now, which just isn’t true as Cardiff has more than ample accommodation for all us students. Also, it’s worth remembering that the longer you leave finding a house, the longer you have to get to know the people you’ll be moving in with. Bad habits seem to become amplified when living in a small house, especially when bills are due to be paid, so you really should choose your future housemates with care. With the student market for accommodation growing in Cardiff, there are numerous letting agencies and private landlords popping up all over the place. So how do you know which to use and which to avoid at all costs?

One of the best pieces of advice to go on is word of mouth. If someone recommends a property or landlord/letting agency, it is clearly worth more than the sales pitch of anyone trying to rent a property to you. Try to speak to anyone you know who has experience in renting accommodation in Cardiff, in order to get their opinions. Generally landlords tend to be better than letting agencies, as they don’t charge an agency fee and usually have a limited number of properties giving them more time to deal with you. Dealing with one person also means you know exactly where to go if you have a problem, instead of being passed round an office for several weeks while everyone declines responsibility.

Contracts, bloody contracts O

NCE YOU and your future housemates think you have found the house of your dreams for next year, ask the landlord/letting agency for a copy of the contract and TAKE IT AWAY WITH YOU TO READ. Don’t under any circumstances feel compelled to sign on the spot without having read it all thoroughly. The Students Union Advice Centre has three full time staff dedicated to checking student housing contracts, so it’s well worth showing them the contract before signing to check all is as it should be. Usually, contracts for a shared house are joint tenancies. This means that you share the tenancy agreement with more than one person, and that you, as a group, are liable for rent and damage to that property. This obviously shows how much you have to trust your flatmates, as if one person decides to leave before the agreed time limit, you are all responsible for paying their rent as well as your own. Due to the problems that can arise from joint contracts, it is recommended you try to sign a single tenancy. This is where you are responsible for the rent of the room you inhabit, and any damage done to communal areas. Once you have

read the contract, make sure you approach the landlord/letting agency with any queries you may have. DON’T sign the contract until you are sure you understand all the terms and conditions – once signed, it is legally binding and you become responsible for ensuring the terms are all met. Don’t forget as well that once the contract is signed for a fixed time period, you must pay the rent even if you move out and are no longer living there. Withholding rent from a signed agreement has very serious legal implications. Also, you should not hand over any money before the contract is signed. Agency fees, the bond and post-dated cheques (if required for the first few months rent), should only be paid once you are in a legal agreement. It is important you obtain receipts for the bond and agency fee once you have paid. Once you have finally signed the contract, you can kick back, relax and wait for non-stop partying to start next year, right? Umm, sorry to inform you but that’s not quite true, as there’s still a lot to take in before you can start planning those all-night parties.

HOUSING LISTS: Don’t always tell the whole truth about a house

Our whole house smelled of cat piss so they had to strip up all the floors. They discovered the whole downstairs floor was rotten and could give way at any time

House of Horror: “Yes mum, this is my new palace of love”

Check out for: • Signs of damp or a damp smell, • Vermin droppings or trails, • The landlord/letting agency is part of the bond bank scheme, • An up-to-date gas safety certificate (CORGI), • Adequate fire safety precautions (ie: smoke alarms and a kitchen fire blanket), • Adequate security measures on doors and windows, for example a mortice lock on the front door, • Half-rent over the summer months, • Signs of tatty furniture, curtains, carpets – it could mean other items are not well-maintained, • Sufficient ventilation and natural light, • Double glazing – it could significantly reduce your heating bills, • Electrical sockets – do all the rooms have enough? Does the wiring look safe (free from any bare flex’s etc).

Focus • 15

Gair Rhydd Monday 4 February 2002

Housing Nightmare Don’t get in a bind over your bond T

Who lives in a house like this?

Repairs and bills W

HEN YOU move into your house, make sure you write a letter to your landlord stating any damage already done to the property, and any repairs that need doing. The landlord is responsible for carrying out all structural repairs, and repairs of any appliances provided with the house. There are 2 main rules of thumb regarding repairs: 1. Don’t expect promises of repairs to be carried out, 2. Expect to wait a long time to get repairs done. If there is a repair that needs to be rectified, write a letter to your landlord and make sure all residents in the house sign it. Also, remember to keep a copy yourselves. Having written the letter, it is important you wait an appropriate amount of time before taking the matter into your own hands, should you decide to do so. Wait 1-2 days for repairs that present a health and safety risk, or up to 21 days for minor repairs. If the repair still hasn’t been done, you are legally allowed to have the repair done yourself and charge it to your landlord or take it from your rent. However, it is important that before you do this you write to the landlord informing him/her of what you plan to do. A trip to the Student’s Advice Centre would be well advised

housing fair at the Students Union, which will have representatives

from all areas of renting/living in houses (such as the TV licensing commission, trading standards and the bond bank scheme), who will be able to help you with any queries. There will also be an up-to-date list of landlords published, to help point you in the right direction.

We thought our house was lovely so didn’t mind paying a bit more. But my room was damp and the window leaked whenever it rained, so now it always smells funny

If all this seems like a mass of things to do and you’re now contemplating going back to live with your parents and commute to uni everyday, then don’t panic because help is at hand. On 5th February there is a

first, in order to avoid a court injunction. Another big problem in shared houses is bills. How you work out dividing the bills is something to decide between you and your housemates BEFORE the first one arrives. Never take sole responsibility for all the bills of the house – once your name is on an account it is only you who is legally responsible to pay that bill. If you are concerned about how much money to put aside for bills, or the landlord is offering an all-inclusive package for extra money, British Gas have come up with a good scheme for giving approximate estimations of your bill. They require details such as the number of rooms in the house, number of radiators, number of electrical appliances etc, and are useful for giving you a rough idea of what you can expect to pay on your gas and electricity bills. Council Tax is the other bugger of student housing. As a student you are automatically sent through a Council Tax exemption form from the university, which will exempt the property you are living in. If it is all students living in your house, you should send the form, along with the forms of everyone else in your house, to the council. If you are living with non-students however, you should check your position with the Student Advice Centre, as you may be liable to pay it.

he Bond Bank is up and running this year, and is a scheme which should prevent students being taken advantage of by wily landlords. The system is very simple. Usually, the tenants will pay their landlord a bond (usually a months rent) at the beginning of the contract as a kind of returnable deposit. This is then returned once the contract has lapsed, but only if there is no damage to the property. Landlords will keep some, or all of the rent, to repair or replace damaged items, remove rubbish left in the property, or replace locks and keys if they have not been returned on time. Of course, the landlord can retain whatever he thinks suitable which has led to many complaints to the Citizens Advice Bureau and the National Consumer Council. The bond bank will change this. The agencies and private landlords can now, once they are signed up with the scheme, use the bond bank for bond cheques. This means that instead of paying the landlord, you will be paying a check in to the County Council. At the end of the tenancy, the cheque will be returned promptly where there is no dispute or, if the landlord needs to, he is able to put in a claim. In these cases, the Cardiff Bond Board will provide an independent adjudication process, in which student representatives will play a part. If the board rules that the landlord has a right to some money, there will be a standardised tariff according to each problem. If your agency or landlord are not members of the scheme, the only way that you can reclaim or dispute it is to pursue the matter through the

small claims court. This is not only time consuming but expensive and there is no guarantee that the money will be returned. When searching for a property, ask the agency if they are using the scheme. If they are not, ask them if they would consider it. It is easy to register, they just need to ring the County Council to arrange it. If they are signed up to the Bond Bank, you still have to tell them that you would like to make use of the ‘Custodial Bond Scheme’. Once your landlord or agent has agreed to use the scheme, either you or they should contact the Cardiff Bond Board to arrange for the documents to be sent through. It is not as complicated as it sounds and well worth it to prevent disputes at the end of your tenancy. Currently, there are about 30 landlords signed up to the scheme as well as Pinnacle, the letting agency in Cathays. To find out more about the scheme, visit the stand at the housing fair on 5 February or go up to the Student Advice Centre on the third floor of the Union, where they will be happy to help and advise you. The Bond Bank is an innovation which will be invaluable for students if you make use of it. The Union and gair rhydd have campaigned hard for this and made it happen to make sure those hard earned loans can be spent down the pub, instead of lining your landlords pockets. The Guardian Student Media Awards recognised this and dubbed gair rhydd the best campaigning newspaper for our hard work in pushing for the Bond Bank. Make our work worthwhile and use it.

Useful Phone Numbers Student Advice Centre 029 20781508 Cardiff County Council 029 20872087 Custodial Bond Scheme 029 20 345636 The Housing Help Centre 029 20871448

Hear’Say today, gone tomorrow Focus • 16

Gair Rhydd Monday 4 February 2002

As the pop world mourns Kym’s departure from Hear’Say, Charlotte Spratt questions the nature of docu-soaps and asks if the winner of Pop Idol will turn out to be the loser


T SEEMS an age ago that Hear’Say, the band formed from pop star wannabies on ITV’s prime time show were formed. A year on and their dream is faltering. Kym, 25, has left the band, whilst rumours abound of her steaming rows with Myleene, desire to return to her children and the possibility of a solo career. After the huge following generated by the TV show, Hear’Say became superstars overnight, notching up two huge singles, a well-received album and a sell-out arena tour. Not bad considering the groundwork usually covered by aspiring pop icons. Less than a year later, however the fantasy has soured. Their popularity has plummeted, with their second album, Everybody, not even making it into the Top 20. Purely and simply, things have gone horribly wrong. Whether Myleene, Noel, Danny and Suzanne can reclaim their popularity with Kym’s replacement remains to be seen. Pop bands rarely survive long with the removal of a member, especially when that person was the only one with real talent. A1 recently celebrated their third year of chart success; Steps and Five have recently split after three albums apiece. Three years or three albums is the average life span of a pop band. What does that say about the fickleness of the industry and attention span of young teenyboppers? Moreover, does this therefore mean that Hear’Say

Plucked from obscurity and plastered over the charts and tabloids, the winners of Pop Stars seem to have been an experiment into celebrity, an experiment that has been watched by the whole world

are going to be around until their third album is released? The next generation, the pop idols of 2002, will do well to learn from the mistakes of Hear’Say. Plucked from obscurity and plastered over the charts and tabloids, the winners of Pop Stars seem to have been an experiment into celebrity, an experiment that has been watched by the whole world. In true The Truman Show style, we saw their tears of joy and pain, followed them through the rounds of auditions to the top of the charts, and then promptly became bored. Will the new Pop Idol be subjected to a similar fate? The auditions began in August when the majority of Hear’Say fever had abated, but the obsession of small girls was still enduring. The TV show began soon after. The series is still going and we are still awaiting a result. With the news of Kym’s departure from Hear’Say, will the pop idols question their fate? Perhaps it is the desire for fame in itself that inspires these teenagers to become pop stars, icons that will soon fade from memory after much ridicule. Bad Boys Inc. anyone? Worlds Apart? 3T? Gina G? Someone who knows about the hunger for celebrity is Nathan Sweetman, a second year journalism student, who is often to be found bopping away by himself on the dance floor at Lash, Fun and Jive. In August, Nathan, keen to be Cardiff’s second pop-come-documentary star, filled in a form to audition for Pop Idol. Although he had no experience of singing, except in the primary school choir, Nathan’s desire for fame led him to the first rounds in London. Clad in a denim jacket, jeans, white T-shirt, bright white Nikes and red bandanna (aiming for a Bradley S Club 7 look), Nathan hoped to impress the judges with his ‘individual’ brand of cool. Choosing S Club’s ‘Don’t stop Movin’, he went in front of the cameras and judges to await their verdict. It was probably fortunate for Nathan that he did not face Dr Fox, Pete Waterman, Nicki Chapman and the evil Simon Cowell. Instead, he encountered other judges who he did not recognise, who told him that he was ‘not what they were looking for’. Simon would doubtless have informed him in no uncertain terms why that was. Nevertheless, the reason was revealed later in the series; Nathan was included in a section of clips of those who should be locked up for their abilities. Luckily, Nathan did not take his application or rejection too seriously, something he now regrets. Dressed in cream chinos, brown loafers and a woollen zip-up jumper, he claimed, “I think I should have toned down my appearance. I was trying to be something I’m not”, but his trusty denim jacket remained slung over the back of his chair and he has been spotted in similar outfits before. But Nathan is not reticent about his experiences. In fact, it seems he would go to great lengths to get his face in the public view. One suspects that his journalism degree is merely a preparation for life on the other side of the camera. “I also recently applied for Mr Wales,” he says, settling down into his chair, determined to give more information into his quest for fame. It was in the Wales on Sunday that Nathan recently appeared as a contestant for Mr Wales. “I think I went for the wrong approach again. I sent in a passport photo and the other guys had sent in pictures of them with their pecs showing.” Unfortunately, he just seems to get it so wrong. He

is currently applying to become the face of the Capitol Centre in Cardiff. He believes that he has learnt from his past experiences and is now going for a smart image, dressing in a suit and tie, and, although they have not asked for it, is going to include some information about his past forays into the public eye. “ I have also rung up a fair few times for Who Want’s to be a Millionaire and am always keeping my eyes open for things,” although he insists that it is not an ego trip. I suggest that with all these applications he should build up a portfolio of pictures. “I do”, he says grinning. Paul Mabberley also auditioned for Pop Idol, and made it as far as the last hundred. Like Nathan, he was also ‘not what they’re looking for’. “It was really intimidating going into the judges as there are loads of other people there – cameramen, lighting men, sound men” he said. He remains philosophical about the show, “I don’t think it’s really what I want to do anyway. I just enjoy singing,” he shrugs, and you can tell that he really means it. That is surely what the winner of Pop Idol should really be about: the singing and not just the fame.

Looking at the people applying for Pop Idol, and those who have auditioned in the past for shows such as Model Behaviour, Pop Stars and Soap Stars, you have to wonder what motivated them to go to the auditions. Many of them are not the kind of people who you would like to be friends with – people on an ego trip, with the kind of self-confidence that just shouldn’t be allowed. The nice people, the people with talent but who are not bolshy with it, the people you would want to be your friend, are probably rejected on those grounds. Even if they did make it, would they be able to hack it? Maybe they too would go down the road of drink and drugs, fall into the pitfalls of fame and find themselves caught up on a whirlwind of self-importance. Or perhaps they would retire from the public eye as soon as a year’s contract was up, as soon as they could get back to their family. It is a thorny and fickle path to fame so we should wish the winner of Pop Idol well in their five minutes of fame. Like Hear’Say, it’s unlikely they will outlive the popularity of the TV show, or else will always live in its shadow.

Focus • 17

gairrhydd 2001-2002

Was brought to you by... Editor Sarah Hodson GRiP Editor Michael Parsons News James Bladon and Lydia Kirby Sport Michael Pearlman, Tristan Thomas and Chris Wathan Focus Charlotte Spratt, Daniel Barnes, Abbi Shaw and Katie Lodge Books David Gates Arts LaDonna Hall and Lizzie Brown Music Gemma Curtis and Maria Lane Film Jonathan Steven Games Chris Faires Get There Neil Krajewski Comment Sian Birch Blagging Matt Harvey Letters Matthew George Photographers Mike Parsons and Jenni Blurton Television Charlotte Martyn and a homeless man Lovely, lovely Proof Readers Holly Robarts and Zoe Simmons Contributors Dominic O’Neill, Mark Cobley, David Lindsall, Suzanne Carter, Kathryn Burden, Aimee Bryant and Abbie Jackson, Jessica Richards, Adam Dobbie, Rob Jackson, Andrew Davidson, Alex MacPherson, David Pothecary, Jamie Fullerton, Brendan Rainford, Paul Sloman, Andy Parsons, Pauline Cheung, Dave Gibson, John Widdop, Gemma Jones, Howard Calvert, Adrian Jones, Elizabeth Ireland, Jane Eyre, Natasha Hettihewa, James Morley, Nick King, Rosalind Sack, Ben Adams, Glynn Roberts, Nabil Hassan, Amir Fairboud, Louise Richardson, J.L. O’Sullivan, David Williams, Matt Greenhill. From this week, the GRiP meetings will take place at 4.30pm instead of 2.15pm, to allow as many people as possible to attend the Gair Rhydd film club. See the film pages for more information.

Contact us Address Gair Rhydd Cardiff University Students’ Union Park Place Cardiff CF10 3QN Telephone Editorial – (029) 20781434/436 Advertising – (029) 20781416 E-mail Visitors Find us on the 4th floor of the Students’ Union

Gair Rhydd Monday 4 February 2002

PopScene PopScene

Abbi Shaw has eventually found some exciting news in popland, which is somewhat upstaged by the great picture


had planned a supremely exciting column concerning the final hours of Hear’say as we know them, with reference to the up-and-coming Pop Idols finale – but if you look just across the page you we see that someone has actually stolen and bottled my pop thunder. But fear not. I can survive this vocational intrusion. Instead, I bring you the breaking news that H Steps and Claire Steps are hoping to become the new Kylie and Jason. First things first. Who on earth decided we needed a new Kylie and Jason? I mean, Jason is doing just fine at being mildly terrifying by appearing vaguely naked in the onstage Rocky Horror Show and the like, and Kylie is, apart from languishing all over housemate’s bedroom wall, being a paragon of pop virtue by just getting everything so right! My point is that they were clearly better off alone, and if we do ever have the craving for a moment of pop duo-ness, we can always throw Robbie Williams at Kylie and get them to do another Kids-esque piece of brilliance. But we don’t really want a duo. They just don’t last in the world of pop. Look at Ant and Dec – they had to make a paradigmatic shift to the world of Pop Idols to sustain their most entertaining career in music. Then if we take into consideration atrocities like Robson and Jerome, who only lasted as long as they did because the over-40s got interested, the musical powers that be should quickly come to the conclusion, as I have, that they should drop any plans of Claire and H releasing a single as quickly as is humanly possible. Furthermore, I’m not sure that this whole duetting affair is actually possible. I mean, it became blatantly obvious that H was only ever miming when we noticed

KYLIE: better than Claire

Prisoners and Pretzels Everything in the world would be okay if only we listened to our mother’s advice, says Lizzy Green, and this applies to you George Bush, as well as the rest of the class


wo weeks ago the world was presented with yet another image of the consequences of terrorism. George Bush’s Afghan prisoners stationed in Cuba have caused questions to be arise in the minds of almost everyone who has witnessed this prison camp on TV or in the newspapers. There is plenty of justification for the red-suited, shackled, blind-folded, masked captives, namely that they are al-Quaeda terrorists. Or are they just a brightly coloured way of telling the American people that Bush is trying to avenge the World Trade Centre terrorists? Because if bin Laden, the prime suspect, is never captured, at least these people have been, whether they have anything to do with it or not. And Blair is sticking to Bush’s side like a terrified leech, afraid of the consequences of letting go. Sure, the prisoners are being well looked after. They are even fitted with masks to prevent them from catching TB, and ear protectors to stop the loud aircraft overhead from damaging their hearing, which is more than their American guards are given. Or is it that American guards are Supermen, immune to TB and deafening sounds? Bush, the man who can’t even eat pretzels without choking, is obviously doing the right thing. What is more, the prison camp on Cuba must have been erected long before the capture of these prisoners and those Slipknotstyle suits sewn together too. Bush learnt his lesson from choking, and quoted his evidently more intelligent mother, who used to say, “Chew before you swallow.” Wise words, if only Bush would heed them. Think before you act. It is all very well ‘justifying’ your prisoners’ presence on Cuba, and highlighting their three meals a day, but Bush hasn’t pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes. It’s just that he can do what he likes, just as he is strong enough to swallow without chewing.

that he was even ‘singing’ along with the girls’ parts... But if he wants to ‘sing’ without the other four to back him up – well poor old Claire is going to have to become something of a master of the act of ventriloquism... My conclusion upon this matter is that, whilst I would like to offer my every sympathy to the under-12s, and those who inhabit the area mildly north of Leicester Square and a little to the left of Piccadilly Circus, I would also like to remind them not to encourage such inadvisable musical ventures. I harbour a most justifiable fear that someone somewhere thinks that launching exSteps members at us like hazelnuts from a catapult is a good idea. A quick look at the rest of the world of pop: Gareth Gates has been coating the papers in recent times owing to his continuing stammer, which is getting considerably in the way of all the interviews he is being asked to perform. His front-page dominating capacity quite clearly has nothing to do with the fact that the tabloids have already discovered that his boyish good-looks shift millions of extra papers. Kym has left Hear’say. Tragedy. Auditions are being held for replacements – I would like to suggest that S***knot could consider donating one of their excess members to fill the gap. Britney made a stunning appearance on Frank Skinner’s show last week. She showed us that Americans really cannot get their heads around British humour, and that she really can sing live. Both worthwhile points to prove. She also showed us that Frank Skinner really is abominable. Gold star for Britney!

Whoring and Bafta-ing

Daniel Barnes is thrilled to deliver this week’s celebrity news


e all remember what happened when Richard Bacon cocained his way out of squeaky-clean Blue Peter (he ended up dressed as a woman in the Opera House in Bournemouth – I know, one of my house-mates saw him). Well, that nice boy Jamie Theakston has shifted a little too far to the left of Piccadilly Circus and landed himself in trouble. Facing the press outside his £500,000 West London home, the thirty-one year old claimed to be feeling “fine” after the incident in a Mayfair brothel, where he admitted to having sex with prostitutes. And for some reason, the Daily Express were surprised that he was feeling well – of course he was fine, he’d just been having a great time with the Capital’s most fashionable, executive whores – being in Mayfair, darling, and all that. Allegedly, Theakston was embarrassed and tried to laugh off the reporters’ questions when they asked if he was ashamed. Quite honestly, I cant imagine that he should be ashamed at all, look at the facts – he’s wealthy, famous, admired by millions and good looking – all of which entitle him to do whatever he likes. I’m sorry to shatter all your ill-founded illusions, but celebrities aren’t just ordinary, down-to-earth people – they are where they are because they are slightly better than we are, (especially better than us people who have nothing better to do than write about the celebrities). So, for better or worse, Jamie Theakston is allowed to do whatever he wants. Contrary to what many people close to me will say, Moulin Rouge is so far superior to the dreary dated over-epicness of The Lord of the Rings, but I fear it will not be able to fight off the hoards of hobbits and elves for long enough for Baz Luhrman’s supreme achievement to be recognised. The Lord of the Rings isn’t really that bad, but I am just sick and tired of hearing about it every day of my life, and in three hours there is so much

material that is profoundly unnecessary. But Sean Bean is nice, so we hope he wins something. The good thing about all this is that there is little or no mention of damn Harry Potter, so we will at least be saved from that horror again. The amazingly still alive Lady Margaret Thatcher announced that following her stroke, she is eager to get back to work. But what confounds me is what is it that she does? I can’t imagine she has anything at all to do anymore, being a peer of the realm and all that. Certainly not enough to give her a stroke. And finally. At a fundraising event for a children’s cancer charity in South London, Cherie Blair delighted crowds with her rendition of Chopsticks, whilst a seven-yearold completely upstaged her with his flawless performance of Bach’s Prelude Number One in C Major. Isn’t she a nice lady? So kind and caring, and oh so talented. That’s it for this week, I’ll be back next week with more fun and games from the celebrity world, take care until then, and watch out for Mrs Blair hanging around music shops, busking her way into the music industry, because lets face it, if Darius can do it, so can Cherie.

BEAN: when he used to be Sharpe


Gair Rhydd Monday 4th February 2002

Focus • 18


Word on the liberation campaigns

Sex! Now we’ve got your attention LGB officer James Knight address the issue of sexual health awareness for gay men


ere’s a fact about men. They like sex. So do women, but having spoken to many women on the subject, I feel that a women is less likely to go out looking for sex (if it happens all well and good). By contrast, sex is likely to be at the fore of most men’s minds. The same is particularly true about gay men. Gay men have a reputation as being sex crazed, and perhaps this is, to a very limited extent, justified. If you think that one man is going out looking for sex, and he meets another man who feels the same... (Enter scary visual place). You get the picture. From a heterosexual point of view, this might be considered sluttish. I’m going to be controversial and say that in my opinion, if straight men could get away with casual sex, then they also would be as promiscuous. How else can you explain prostitution as the oldest profession? There is, of course, the other ‘benefit’ of being gay, regarding sex and promiscuity: there is absolutely, positively no risk whatsoever of unwanted pregnancy! However, and yes, here’s the lecture, there are still health risks involved. I’m not going to talk about HIV-AIDS. I hope that everyone out there realises that it exists, how

you can catch it, etc, etc. If you don’t know about it, go and see SHAG in the Union. Furthermore, I’m sure that I don’t need to point out that we have left the eighties, and HIV-AIDS is no longer considered a ‘queer disease’. Nevertheless, it is a fact that the more sexual partners you have, the greater the chances of contracting an STI. Still, sex plays a large role in the life of a gay man, and, indeed, in gay culture. Cruising, glory-holes, cottaging, picking up in clubs, saunas – you are never going to stop men from having sex. With that in mind, I simply want to say this: ALWAYS have safe sex; NEVER go back to the house of someone you pulled that night; ALWAYS leave clubs and bars with friends; NEVER go cruising or cottaging without telling someone that you’re going. It’s that simple. Remember that promiscuity has safety risks as well as health risks - you might have spent all night talking to that guy but don’t even think you know him well enough to trust him. Bear in mind that the Scene might seem friendly, but much of that is a facade – people are always nice to you when they want to sleep with you.

One world Rohan Tambyraja is keen for as many students as possible to get involved in his One World. One Week campaign. Below he tells us why

Following from the success of last semester’s Global Village, Cardiff Union will be organising “One World, One Week” - a series of events running from March 10 - 15. The aim of the week will be to bring people from different backgrounds, particularly different racial backgrounds, together through a variety of mediums, and encourage integration of different cultures in Cardiff’s student community. The Union has a Black and Ethnic Affairs Officer (Prabhu Ramkumar) and an International Student’s Officer (Minelle Gholami) whose role is to increase racial

awareness within the membership of the Student’s Union. They will be working with the Equal Opportunities Officer (Rohan Tambyraja) to bring people in who want experience of organising events and who want to get involved in the Union. The events will include a creative writing competition, a ball, a debate forum and world cinema screenings. Anyone who wants to help organise or market and publicise this should either contact Rohan on, or come into the Equal Opportunities and Welfare Office on the third floor of the Student’s Union.

Duke of Edinburgh Cardiff University Duke of Edinburgh Society have organised an expedition to Tanzania that will take place in July 2002. A group of 19 will take part in the expedition which will include a four day ascent of Africa’s highest mountain, Kilimanjaro. The group will also be visiting local schools in the area to distribute school supplies and set up contacts between children there and children here in Cardiff.

As well as completing part of the Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme, members of the group will be making a positive impact in the area, providing as much useful stuff as we can to local schools. The group will be organising many fundraising events in order to make this fantastic opportunity possible. These will include parties, sponsored walks and climbs, raffles and loads more. Please look out for the

Kilimanjaro expedition and take part in our fundraising activities to help children in Tanzania.

inta people


029 20 252 500


029 20 252 400



IT recruitment

Stressed about your future career move? Interested in a career in the IT Industry or Legal Profession? Well come along to the Refreshers Fayre in the Great Hall, Cardiff Students’ Union, 7th February 2002 10am - 4pm Please bring a copy of your CV and see how we can kick-start your career. 2nd Floor, Hallinans House, 22 Newport Road, Cardiff, CF24 0DB Tel

029 20 464 460


029 20 464 461



legal people legal & executive recruitment

Got a cold or the flu? Blocked nose, sore throat, headache, aches and pains.....

When: Thursday 31st January, 6.30pm At: Daiquiris (Salisbury Road, just up the road from Sengenydd Court) The Alpha course is a relaxed environment in which to look at issues relating to the Christian faith. Thousands of people in the UK and around the world have completed the Alpha course. We’re running it over 8 weeks on Thursday nights - come along and enjoy the free food, get a pint at the bar, listen to a short talk from a live speaker and then discuss it all over another pint! Have you got time to help us with our research at the Common Cold Centre? If yes, please telephone 0500 655398 (Freephone) or come to the Common Cold Centre. You will be compensated for your time and travel by a cheque payment at the end of the study

Common Cold Centre

Cardiff School of Biosciences, Off Park Place, near the Tower Block Monday - Friday 9.30am - 4.30pm

For information or registration contact Stuart: 2041 5234 / or just show up on the night! The Alpha course is being run by two Union Societies: The Navigators and Student Impact

Sport ● 22

gairrhydd, Monday 4 February 2001

City rue missed chances again BLUEBIRD CHECK BRIGHTON CARDIFF

1 0

Nabil Hassan from the Withdean Stadium

TEAM LINE UP Brighton: Kuipers, Pethick, Cullip, Virgo, Mayo, Carpenter, Oatway, Rogers, Jones, Zamora, Webb. Subs: Brooker, Steele, Melton, Lee, McPhee. Cardiff: Alexander, Weston, Gabbidon, Young, Legg, Boland, Kavanagh, Bonner, Maxwell, Fortune-West, Bowen. Subs: Hamilton, Low, Brayson, Simpkins, Collins.

Wednesday and Friday Smirnoff Ice & Reef

4 bottles for £5 2 Double Vodkas and 1 can of Red Bull


From 9pm to 10.30pm

CARDIFF CITY suffered their seventh defeat of the season on Thursday, effectively throwing away any chance of playing first division football next term. An early Bobby Zamora penalty was enough to give the Seagulls all three points in an action packed match which also saw Bluebirds striker Leo Fortune West sent off for serious foul play. The dismissal of Fortune West capped off a night of frustration for Cardiff as they wasted a hatful of chances against manager Alan Cork’s old side. City got off to the worst possible start when they conceded an early penalty with only 15 minutes on the clock. Defender Rhys Weston was adjudged to have tripped Nathan Jones and Bobby Zamora wasted no time in tucking the penalty away to give the home side an early advantage. The Bluebirds responded well to the early setback and ex-Liverpool star Leyton Maxwell almost put the visitors level with a superb strike from fully 30 yards.

KAVANAGH: unusually poor in front of goal

Brighton keeper Michels Kuipers had to save well to keep the Seagulls in front. Cardiff continued to press for the equaliser dominating possession and reducing Brighton to playing long ball football. With minutes of the first half remaining, Cardiff again came close to the equaliser that their adventurous football so deserved. An Andy Legg corner was spilled by keeper Kuipers and headed towards goal by Fortune West who looked to have drawn the scores level on the stroke of half-time. His effort was scrambled off the line and Cardiff went into the break one down. The Bluebird’s came out for the second half with renewed vigour and could have scored three goals in as many minutes. First Jason Bowen headed inches wide from a superb Willie Bland cross. Seconds later Fortune West found himself one on one with Kuipers but his chip from the edge of the box sailed over the Brighton crossbar. Fortune West again found himself back in the thick of the action but he failed to make the keeper work, striking wide of the Brighton goal. With the game slipping away Alan Cork decided to ring the changes bringing on Des Hamilton for Leyton Maxwell and Josh Low for Mark Bonner. The substitutions did little to improve Cardiff’s luck in front of goal, Jason Bowen had a shot well saved by Kuipers who also spectacularly tipped a Des Hamilton shot over the bar to keep the visitors at bay. With time running out Cardiff became

FORTUNE WEST: missed chances and sent off

increasingly frustrated. Andy Legg was booked for a two footed lunge on Lee Steele, Willie Boland picked up a caution for serious foul play and Leo Fortune West went into the referees note book for threatening behaviour. The last five minutes saw Cardiff camped in the Seagulls box but despite intense pressure Brighton’s stubborn rear-guard were in no mood to give up three points in the dying seconds. Cardiff ’s misery was compounded when Fortune West was sent off for elbowing Danny Cullip only seconds before the referee blew for full-time to give Brighton a well earned victory.

22 ● Sport

gairrhydd, Monday 4 February 2002

Uni four star fuels Cricket academy CRICKET ACADEMY Chris Wathan CHRISTMAS HAS passed, daylight is starting to draw out and already the cricketing season is being eagerly anticipated. Whilst the England side are suffering mixed fortunes in the midst of their Indian winter, the British Universities side is gearing up for their tour to South Africa. And although Cardiff boasts no tourists, first year James Tomlinson could consider himself unlucky not to be heading to warmer climes come March. Tomlinson – studying Education – finds himself on the standby list, but this is nevertheless a notable achievement for the youngster. “To be honest I was surprised. I had been told that I would do well to get anywhere near the squad and instead should concentrate in getting on the summer tour”. But Tomlinson, currently contracted by Hampshire CC, is in no doubts that his inclusion in the Cardiff Centre of Cricketing Excellence is a welcome boost in realising that ambition. The UCCE is an amalgamation of UWIC, Glamorgan and Cardiff University cricketers, providing professional coaching for potential first class players whilst continuing their Higher Education. The Cardiff centre is one of six across the country and is in its second season after fairing well last time around. “I feel we did considerably well playing consistently good cricket,” said coach Kevin Lyons, “especially after suffering a horrendous first month where bad weather meant we had no outdoor practice”. Eventually, Cardiff finished third behind Durham and Loughborough whilst also giving a good account of themselves in a three day match against Glamorgan CC. Cardiff University boasts four players in total including returning wicketkeeper George McCullough. McCullough, a third year Business Admin student, was described by Lyons as “one of the outstanding members of the side last year” with consistent glove work and a good run of form with the bat where “good technique and a great temperament” shone.

McCullough was keen to point out the benefits of the scheme; “It’s a great opportunity for all involved. The benefits of the facilities, coaching and the first class games all help you realise what is needed to make that step up”. A point made all the more significant as McCullough’s opposite number at Durham last year was a certain James Foster, currently touring India on a central contract with the full England squad. Other Cardiff students involved at UCCE include spinner Tanj Sud and batsman Steve Edmonds. Lyons is keeping Edmonds, one of the youngest in the squad, under close observations; “We will be looking to Steve as we are hoping for him to develop over the full three years of the scheme into a top player.” “It will be a valuable experience for all,” adds Lyons. “We treat the whole programme professionally, from one-to-one sessions to the experience and atmosphere of the county grounds. Eventually, we hope the squad can learn and mature by getting an insight into how the first class game operates, both as individuals and as a team.” And Lyons has every confidence that Tomlinson will be one of those individuals. “As with all the players, he needs to give a good account of himself. Hopefully, by the time he finishes university, he will be knocking on the door of the Hampshire first team”.

KUNG FU Amir Fairboud and Louise Richardson A THIRTY strong Kung Fu team containing Cardiff University students emerged triumphant last month, after travelling 150 miles to compete with the best in the Shaolin System; Nam Pai Chaun. Cardiff had two male sparring teams and one female team with Cardiff men’s Aled Baker, Andreas Rossbach, and Gwillam McMillan securing victory to enter the second round. The first team won over Sussex University and UCL to progress, although Cardiff's second team fell to Kings College. In the final against the home team Chiswick, Cardiff started well. Baker nailed his opponent convincingly whilst McMillan narrowly missed out after some fantastic head shots. John Meldrum lost despite some awe-inspiring axe kicks and the final blow came when superior opposition defeated John Howells. However, second place was a fine result against such

great opposition. Rossbach dropped out with a broken toe leaving Cardiff with no option but to concede. The ladies sparring got off to a flying start with Jenny Knight fending off her much taller opponent bravely but to no avail. Kirsty Macgregor took on another tough opponent with power and ferocity, but controversially the corner judges voted against her, and Cardiff Ladies were out of the competition. Another unexpected decision came in the black belt individual sparring competition, with Cardiff's Jon James fighting superbly against a Golders Green opponent. However, Ahmed Kamara, a Cardiff graduate, amazed the audience and judges with his devastatingly sharp spear form, and collected a silver trophy much to his delight. The weekend showed Cardiff are more than capable at the highest level, sending out a message to the AU which has so far neglected to support them financially. Overall, the competition was a great success for ‘Farb and the gang’.

Do I not like that...

Got something on your chest? Riled by our report? Write to us at Gair Rhydd Sports, Students Union, Park Place, CF10 3QN, email or pop into our 4th floor office.

Letter of the Week Dear Gair Rhydd, Whatever the Manchester United media factory pumps out over the next few weeks, David Beckham is bound for warmer climes, either after this season has run its course, or at the end of his contract. The top teams in Italy and Spain will lead the race for his signature, and Becks will benefit from wages befitting one of the world’s top midfielders. Owen, Campbell, Ferdinand and Fowler have all courted foreign interest recently, and I would argue that this would benefit all of them. Playing alongside quality opposition (and make no mistake, our Premier League is weak in comparison) will only improve our English players, and the effects on the national team will be striking. Mark Simic, Economics

BECKS: better off moving abroad?

GR Sport: English players heve tended to struggle with the style of foreign football, but the Spanish league now resembles the Premiership more than ever, so may prove a useful platform for our boys as McMananam has shown at Real Madrid.

Record breaker or media puppet Dear GR Sport, Let me set the scene. A mild Saturday in January at a packed Old Trafford. A young Dutchman, new to English football, snatches the ball from the England captain and runs up to take a penalty. He scores, to break the Premiership record for goals scored in consecutive matches, certainly a remarkable achievement in his first season. But why has football history before the inception of the Premiership gone entirely forgotten? The exploits of footballing heroes of old go completely unrecognised because Sky television chose to re-market the upper echelon of English football as crassly as an alco-pop. All the media choose to record now is the 10,000th Premiership goal, or the five hundredth live

TV game. God knows what will happen when the Premiership reaches its tenth birthday next year. Tom Spencer, Maths GR Sport: Unfortunately football, and sport in general, is now governed by the media. Just as they can determine a kick-off time, it now seems they write sporting history.

Controversy rocks GR staff Dear GR Sport, Keep away from Championship Manager, that's my territory. It's not a sport, sports are physical and fun, CM is another reality played out in virtual form. Stick to real sports, like netball, biathalon and frog baseball. CM is mine. Love from, the Games editor. GR Sport: Come on then, we’ll

fight you for it. Champ Man tournament, your place or ours, winner takes all. Sod the Premiership, the World Cup, the Gair Rhydd Championship Manager Tournament is the future.

Worthless Cup my arse!

Dear GR Sport, I’m writing to express my disgust at the media dismissal of the Worthington Cup as a worthwhile competition. As a Nottingham Forest supporter I’d be delighted to see my team with a chance of European qualification and as a football fan I almost wept with joy at the quality of the Tottenham performance in the semi-final, shown of course, on terrestrial television. Worthless cup my ass! Ron Svenson, ITV Sport

GR Sport: Would Scottish teams liven up the competition?

GR Sport will almost certainly print your letter, so get writing and get your views read by fourteen thousand people. The views expressed in these letters are not necessarily those of the newspaper or the editor.

Sport ● 23

gairrhydd, Monday 04 February 2001

Welsh club rugby in Euro win shock RUGBY BATH LLANELLI

10 27

J. L. O’Sullivan "WHAT CAN you say about Llanelli?" queried Bath coach Jonathan Callard in the aftermath of his charges' tumultuous Heineken Cup exit at the hands of the west Walians. "I thought it was magnificent. They used the conditions better than us and beat us comprehensively." On the very eve of the Six Nations Championship, Llanelli's commanding performance was a shot in the arm for Welsh hopes in the wake of a difficult autumn programme. Torrential rain had rendered Bath's Recreation Ground pitch unplayable and the clash was postponed for 24 hours. So for the second time in as many days, 1,700 Llanelli supporters made the journey east in anticipation of further unlikely heroics after Leicester three weeks ago. Bath, the 1998 European champions, had advanced to the quarterfinal stage with an unblemished record. However, their lowly domestic position was to prove a better indication of the club's true form. Llanelli's uncompromisingly physical approach unsettled the West Countrymen from the start. England lynchpin Mike Catt contrived to kick away a copious amount of increasingly hard earned possession in a vain attempt to expose make-shift Llanelli full-back Garan Evans. Evans was more than equal to the out-ofsorts Catt's increasingly futile ruse, and it was the Englishman’s opposite number, Stephen Jones, who seized the initiative. Fearsomely committed and effective Llanelli forward play began to tell, and Welsh number 10 Jones was able to dictate. It was Jones who opened the scoring after two minutes, with a penalty goal from 40 metres. He would be gifted a further seven

opportunities before the end as a wilting Bath defence infringed all too frequently for Irish referee Alan Lewis. To cap a fine display the Scarlets' outsidehalf unleashed an over-time drop goal to claim all 27 of Llanelli's points. Wales flank forward Gavin Thomas went over for the English giants after 66 minutes, but it was scant consolation, failing to derail the Llanelli effort. A semi-final meeting with mighty Irish province Munster, champions Leicester, or Gregor Townsend's Castres now awaits the Scarlets. The line-up will be decided on the fifth of February in Cardiff. In a further coup for the Welsh club scene Pontypridd overcame star-studded Saracens to secure a place in the last four of Europe's second tier competition, the Parker Pen Shield. The valley club's hit and run raid on Vicarage Road hinged on a Jannie de Beer penalty goal attempt. In the third minute of injury time the former World Cup winner cannoned his kick against an upright and the game slipped away. Pontypridd were deserving of their victory, scoring two tries without reply, one a scintillating solo effort from wing Gareth Wyatt. Brett Davey's conversion of Wyatt's score was enough to secure victory for the Welsh side. The question remains, can the national team reciprocate this sort of form when the Six Nations begins on the 3rd February?

JONES: scored all 27 points

Doherty shot down by accurate Hunter SNOOKER David Williams LEEDS' PAUL Hunter claimed his second Regal Welsh win in four years after defeating Ken Doherty 9-7 at the Cardiff International Arena. Hunter, who also won last years Benson and Hedges Masters title, had his revenge after losing to the Irish wizard in this competition twelve months ago. After picking up the trophy and a cheque for £82,500 Hunter showed much admiration for his opponent. "I could have won 9-2 because I had plenty of chances but Ken is such a gritty player that he came back at me." In an event, which saw star names such as world champions Ronnie O'Sullivan and Mark Williams depart in the early rounds, Hunter and Doherty produced some exciting snooker for a passionate local crowd. Doherty, who had beaten ex-world champion Stephen Hendry in the semi-final, had been backed by many to retain the title he won last year, and become only the eighth player

to successfully defend a world-ranking event. However, Hunter's form on the day was too strong for the Dubliner and this result sees the 23 year old Yorkeshireman move up a place in the world rankings to eighth. Doherty may have feared a reoccurrence 10-1 crushing by Ronnie O’Sullivan in last month’s UK Championship final after Hunter took a 5-1 lead with several high breaks. Indeed, Hunter's 141 netted him the £7,500 highest break award and was also the best of his career to date. But after Doherty had clinched the seventh frame to make it 5-2, Hunter threw the eighth away when he missed the final black, and Doherty went into the evening session only 5-3 down. The Irishman's well known tenacity was evident after the resumption as he fought back from 7-4 behind to within one frame with breaks

of 52 and 40. Hunter seemed to have weathered the storm after taking the next frame and engineering a 56 point cushion in the fifteenth, when he missed a red which let Doherty back in to clear up with 34. However, the mistake did not prove costly as a 76 break in the penultimate frame gave Hunter his second Regal Welsh win. Doherty was quick to give credit to his successor. "When I had him under the cosh he pulled away again. I'm disappointed to lose another final but he played very well and a couple of errors cost me". With another exciting Regal Welsh Open and the World Championships just around the corner, it looks as though fans of the green baize will not be disappointed with the standard of snooker this year.


1 Ronnie O’Sullivan 2 John Higgins 3 Ken Doherty 4 Mark Williams 5 Peter Ebdon

6 Stephen Hendry 7 Stephen Lee 8 Paul Hunter 9 Matthew Stevens 10 Graeme Dott

Cliffhanger likely after Welsh net Italian

Wales have come a long way since Gould’s era. But, as Matt Greenhill writes, their passage to Euro 2004 will be fraught with difficulties

Dumped by Cardiff, Bobby Gould was strikingly disappointing as Wales boss

WHILST THE cream of world football was busy preparing for the World Cup in Japan and South Korea just four months away, last Friday saw Portugal the focus of attention for Europe's National sides. The Euro 2004 draw acted as a temporary distraction from the World Cup for teams such as England and the Irish Republic. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales who all failed to qualify for the finals. Indeed, Wales have failed to qualify for a major international tournament in decades and, after last week's Euro 2004 qualifying draw, this barren spell may well continue. Luckless as ever, Wales found themselves joining Italy, Yugoslavia, Finland and Azerbaijan. Whilst the Welsh support may well look forward to the flair of the Italians and Yugoslavs as they grace the Millennium Stadium, the players will be painfully aware of how difficult competing against such sides will be. Italy need very little introduction since their presence and success at major international tournaments speaks volumes about their class, pedigree and their ability to qualify regardless

of poor form. Yugoslavia are also a highly rated side who have performed admirably at both the last World Cup and European Championships. Finland not only beat Wales in a home friendly two years ago, but also drew with both Germany and England in World Cup qualifiers last year. As for Azerbaijan, they represent Wales' best chance of capturing three points, but this on its own will not be enough to see the Welsh flag flying in Portugal in two years time. On the positive side, it must be remembered that the Welsh National team have improved greatly since the awful era of Bobby Gould. With the introduction of Mark Hughes as manager, Wales have attempted to play better and more precise football, and achieved some good results, including draws against both Norway and the Ukraine. If the Welsh dragons had successfully converted stalemates into victories, then they too would be breathing fire in Japan and Korea come May. Hughes refused to be defeatist after the draw and remained upbeat, claiming that strong opposition has the potential to invigorate the Welsh set-up.

"From what I've seen as player and manager, Wales do better against the better teams. We have players who want to test themselves against the best and our group gives them the chance”. It also offers the chance to sink further down the FIFA world rankings.

GROUP 5 Scotland Germany Lithuania Iceland Faroe Islands

GROUP 7 England Turkey Slovakia Macedonia Liechtenstein

GROUP 6 N. Ireland Spain Ukraine Greece Armenia

GROUP 9 Wales Italy Yugoslavia Finland Azerbaijan

Sport Gair Rhydd

DO I NOT LIKE THAT: Letters page LLANELLI: Heineken cup glory for the Scarlets Free Word 711

Monday 4 February 2002

UWIC thrashed again BUSA HOCKEY

Nick King CARDIFF UNIVERSITY Men’s Hockey once again showed why they are tipped to go all the way in the BUSA tournaments this year. They triumphed with a comprehensive five-nil defeat of UWIC, with the traditionally strong sport’s institute side looking like a poor imitation of those of previous seasons. From the start Cardiff stamped their authority on the game, with Collis and Davies bossing the lightweight UWIC midfield. Possession and territory inevitably turned into goals, with Wood’s driving run and penetrating cross affording Burns a far post tap in. A second goal for the persistent Burns soon followed. This one was of his own making and was completed with a rasping shot high into the net. The end of the first half saw the Cardiff defence tested as a resurgent UWIC attempted to get back into the game. Resolute defence from Mark Hayden and man of the match

Martin Stewart kept the Institute forwards out, with captain ‘Mumbles’ tackling with great efficiency despite playing through injury. A swift breakaway saw Cardiff being awarded a short corner that was rifled into the roof with great improvisation, with Davies sweeping off his legs from Cooper’s shot. The second half saw more of the same from Cardiff. In fact the game became an exhibition in total hockey. Another short corner saw Collis grab a deserved goal with a well placed shot into the bottom corner. More chances came and went as Cardiff ran through their full repertoire of party pieces. The game finished with Burns completing his hat-trick after good build up work from Narbett and Glenister. Club coach Mark Hopkins was pleased with the Cardiff performance, saying: “This is an excellent way to come back into BUSA after the holiday period. The clean sheet was a particularly pleasing aspect of the result. It’s only a shame that I’ll be on the losing end of this result next year as a UWIC player”.

MENS HOCKEY: A triumphant squad

Badminton I

BUSA NETBALL Rosalind Sack FOLLOWING THE controversy surrounding selection for the Welsh Universities netball squad featured in Gair Rhydd last week, the contests with UWIC were eagerly anticipated. With immense pressure on Cardiff to beat UWIC and prove their ability for Welsh University representation, a massive crowd did not leave Talybont disappointed. The firsts match was absolutely nail biting with a full court of total accuracy and an unfaltering work-rate from both sides. The second quarter saw an emerging Cardiff lead with five goals at one stage, although this became a far tighter 19-18 lead at half time. In the second half Cardiff came into their own with 100% commitment on court throughout the side. Kim Mullan as goalkeeper was outstanding, as was Kate Edwards at goal-shooter. At the end of the third quarter, Cardiff were a massive ten goals ahead and victory was clearly in sight. UWIC however, were able to pick up the pace and reduce the lead with a flurry of goals. However, Cardiff were made of stern stuff and ably led by captain

and man-of-the-match Rachel Roberts, Cardiff came out as victors 43-38. This result must surely act as a message to selectors that Cardiff firsts are the better side, with a 100% success rate against UWIC this season. These are surely telling credentials for greater UWC representation at a higher level. The seconds also faced UWIC and were eager to put up a determined fight against a strong side. The match was played at a blistering pace from the start and a tight UWIC in the circle saw Cardiff trailing by eleven goals at half time. Tired legs prompted some Cardiff changes at halftime, reflecting the strength in depth within the squad. The final score was 46-24 to UWIC which certainly didn’t reflect the game as a whole. The seconds played with great determination and skill. The thirds faced a game against lowly Newport in a far less pressured situation at Talybont. Cardiff had a advantage due to their superior skills and pace. The victory margin of 59-9 maintained a 100% success rate in BUSA competition this season. These were all great results for an ever strengthening and victorious netball club.

UWIC also beaten on courts BASKETBALL

Ben Adams LAST WEDNESDAY UWC Men’s Basketball met local rivals UWIC. It was a critical encounter for UWC as victory would secure group qualification. The game began at a frantic pace with Miltos Chandris scoring the first ten of UWC’s points. However, it proved difficult to stem UWIC’s scoring. The Institute scored almost at will, from long range, with 19 threepoint baskets in all. At half time the score was 4643 in favour of UWIC and the game was very much in the balance.

Trailing by nine points in the fourth quarter a recovery lead by Matt English, Ash El Nayal, and captain, Dan Miles brought UWC back into contention. With just 26 seconds remaining UWC were in possession and trailing by one point. Miltos took on the defence, having already scored 31 points . UWIC players were determined to stop his advance, so he intelligently passed to Dan Miles. Miles scored his fifth threepoint basket and UWC led by two points with 6 seconds left to play. UWIC mounted an attack. A UWIC player was fouled. He subsequently failed with his second attempt and UWC had won by a single point.


BADMINTON Glynn Roberts BOTH LADIES and men’s sides of Cardiff University’s badminton team kicked off this year with good results against local rivals UWIC. The ladies continued their quest for success with a 7-2 win whilst a 44 draw in the men’s fixture meant UWIC were relegated at the hands of their university counterparts. The ladies are still fighting for the league championship with Bath and so took to the courts with a “must win” attitude. Vicky Luke and Kate Riddler – currently 65th in the world – got the match off to a good start by annihilating their opposition, with Cathy Parkin stepping into the team

and not disappointing anyone. Captain Heather Lloyd and her partner slightly under-performed but battled through to give a 7-2 victory for Cardiff. With Malaysian international Eugin Loo missing, the team went through a slight rearrangement in a hope of salvaging something from the fixture. Craig Taylor and Pete Edwards showed their true class by triumphing in their doubles match, whilst Glynn Roberts fought well to win the singles game of the day, giving the team a realistic chance of winning. It was left to Tim Harrisson and Waz Arif to save the day by winning to seal a 4-4 result. A scoreline made all the more significant as Cardiff are now virtually assured of safety whilst the once mighty UWIC are relegated.



Badminton W 7-2





Basketball W 12-99


Hockey MI



Hockey MIII



Hockey MIV


Swansea II

Hockey WI



Hockey WII



Netball I



Netball II



Volleyball M



Editors Note: Due to bad weather, BUSA and IMG programmes were unable to take place this week. Weather permitting normal service will resume next week. The annual Varsity game is now only weeks away and is on February 27. For full details of this sporting spectacle visit the AU office on the third floor of the Union. Also, look out for GR sports 12 page Varsity pullout, coming soon. As always all contributions are welcome, just visit the GR office, on the fourth floor of the Union, at 1.15pm on a Monday.

VARSITY: Coming soon


gair rhydd - Issue 711  

gair rhydd - Issue 711