Quench Issue 75 - 8 Dec 2008

All bedrooms include your own private en-suite bathroom

Available in 3,4 & 5 bedroom flats with a television & Sky package included in each flat and broadband available in every bedroom welcome to your

Victoria Hall, Blackweir Terrace, Cardiff, CF10 3EY

Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso!

COVER PHOTOGRAPHY: Jake Yorath COVER DESIGN: Hazel Plush

Editor Hazel Plush Executive Editor Ben Bryant Assistant to the Editors Elaine Morgan Arts Kate Budd, Lisa Evans Blind Date Emma Chapman, Sarah George Books Aisling Tempany Digital Tom Baker Fashion Meme Sgroi, Nicole Briggs Features Gillian Couch, Louise Cook Film Adam Woodward, Francesca Jarvis, Sim Eckstein Food Jenny Edwards, Jen Entecott Gay James Moore Going Out Alex Gwilliam, Kirstin Knight Huw Huw Davies Interviews Ben Marshall, Leah Eynon Music Guy Ferneyhough, Kyle Ellison, Phil Guy

The Rant Andy Swidenbank Travel Andy Tweddle, Simon Lucey Head of Photography Natalia Popova Creative Consultant Sophie Pycroft Proof Readers Aisling Tempany, Elaine Morgan, Rob Clifford, Roddy Waldron printed on recycled paper. PLEASE RECYCLE.

{ }.

It’d be safe to say that last week was one of the best weeks in Quenching history. A few months ago we were nominated as 2007-2008 ‘Student Magazine of the Year’ in the Guardian Media Awards, a title heavily coveted in the realm of student media.

Being narrowed down to a shortlist of five was freaking fabulous in itself, but last week found us hotfooting it down to big old London Town for the awards ceremony. And, to cut a long story short, we bossed it.

You

’ll be proud to know we all celebrated in true Cardiff style, leaving a trail of scandal and destruction in our wake. We even made it onto guardian.co.uk, with arms and legs akimbo and the gong in our sweaty mitts.

But this isn’t a trite trumpetblowing exercise, this is a thankyou. Yes, we do it for the love, and maybe some of us want to forge careers out of this, but ultimately we’re pretty damn dedicated to distilling the best of Cardiff student culture and handing it – steaming hot and tastefully garnished – to you. Without the filth, diversity and debauchery of student life in Cardiff we’d be devoid of inspiration – keep up the good work!

Quench is also, as always, indebted to its editors and contributors. Recognition like this makes every all-nighter fade into hazy sepia tones, and will give us a kick up the arse on the deadline nights this year too.

But, sentiment over: prepare for this issue to melt your eyeballs. We’ve got gay monogamy, Cage the Elephant, Mighty Boosh Live, Che, and retro Blind Dating – with a little Christmas thrown in there for good measure. We'll see you in the new year for more irreverence and irrelevance... Enjoy!

HP

Voyeur

OUT IN

Turkey

Dull, predictable and, quite frankly, passé.

Petting Zoo BBQ

Don't limit yourself to poultry - go for a mixed grill... Mm, decadent. embracing consumerist filth

The Nose Flute £8.50, eBay.

This lightweight, reasonably priced gift is perfect as a Christmas stocking filler! Now you can blow out your favourite carols, leaving your mouth free for sing-alongs and mince pie.

Am r Duval

ri me with your turkey ba er!

“ Am r's id s 2008... because li l is fun

Girls, boys, and in-betweeners: the end of the year is nigh! But don't get that sad little look on your greasy little mug - reflect with joy and moistness at the year that was! Here are my fave peeps from 2008, the filth-ridden, morally depraved bunch that they are!

“

Hillary, oh Hillary - your red lipstick screams 'vixen' in my hungry eyes. Take me into your fantasy Oval Office and let me deep-throat your stationary pot...

This perky piece of lady gash has all the charm of a week-old trout, but my God - her rear was graced with a gong! I like a behind you can rest your whisky on and park your bike in, and Ms. Ellison's services certainly don't disappoint... Hurrah for her lady bumps, but get the poor girl some new knickerslooks like the elastic's gone in these old muff-coverers!

OFFICIAL REAR OF THE YEAR 2008

This naughty boy, now infamous for sibilant swastika-laden sadomasochistic sexfests, has always enjoyed a little roleplay amusement chez Duval. I like to chafe him good and proper with scratchy 1940s woollen tweed and whip that bad behaviour out with the straps of a musty gas mask. The cheeky chappie actually enjoys it - like father, like son!

Ooh, this blue-eyed lothario can fry off my mange tout any day! I'd smear his bread sauce all over my gammon roll... Sauté vigorously for four minutes and finish with an explosive flourish!

Jennifer Ellison

Gordon Ramsey

Max

Moseley

Hillary Clinton

The Rant:

CMistletoe and Whine

hristmas. Oh joy. It's here again. Here to empty my pockets, here to force me to meet relatives whose names I can't remember, and here to bring me one year closer to a major heart condition via ludicrous heaps of rich, seasonal food.

The season to be jolly? Bollocks. The season to be cold and disappointed more like. The season of yet more new socks and low quality chocolate. The season of painstakingly putting up decorations only to be told they're not perfectly symmetrical. The season of opening the door to carol singers and having to stand, embarrassed, as they reel off two numbers, before telling them you have nothing to give. The Season... oh, you get the point. Merry Fucking Christmas.

Consumer Christmas:

Ho ho ho, Christmas is around the corner. Let's all come together in brotherly love. Well, that might sound good but the harsh reality is that we are actually coming together in the big businessman’s pocket.

Christmas has, for decades now, been the fat cat's favourite time of the year; their chance to lavish us with advertising so we go out and buy, buy, buy. Everyone knows now that Christmas starts in late September when the shops start announcing their sales. Yeah, let's deliberately by-pass autumn solely in the name of profit! Some shops even have their Christmas deals next to swimwear, which has just come to the end of the summer sale. What the fuck are they doing?

The 'Winter Wonderlands' that crop up all over cities are even worse. Not only do they appear in October, (which is most definitely the elusive autumn, not winter), but they are so superficial and plastic

it makes me want to vomit all over the fake snow. What’s even more disgusting is the way they use words like ‘magical’ to describe these eyesores. It is about as magical as Plymouth public toilets. Notice how they soon disappear after Christmas to; it's supposed to be a 'Winter Wonderland' but as January and February are less lucrative months they quickly disappear.

The way shops try and attract children is disgraceful. All this tat that is on display is just a way to turn children into blind, submissive consumers. Instead of Father Christmas giving out gifts, why don’t the CEOs of big-name shops hand the children toys whilst nicking their parents' wal-

“Widow Twankies are about as amusing as genital herpes. And as painful.

lets and chewing on fat cigars?

“

And, speaking of Father Christmases, why do so many shops have one? Ah yes, a bearded old fatty with whisky breath - why not dress him up like a gay Charles Darwin and make kids sit on his lap? Call me a kill-joy, but isn’t there something incredibly sinister about the situation?

Christmas is supposed to be a celebration of love and peace, but it'll never be anything but a time to be lured into capitalist pockets. Bah humbug.

Rant-o-mime:

'Tis the season to be jolly, tra-la-la-la-la... etc. 'Tis also the season when the abominable shit-fest known as the

‘pantomime’ is inflicted on us in all its shamelessly tawdry glory.

Here are the general rules of what to expect if you're foolhardy enough to drag yourself to one of these showers of eternal shite:

1. Expect to see a much-loved fairy tale ripped to shreds and shat upon. We’re talking Aladdin, Snow White, Dick Whittington here. Watch and weep.

2. There will always be a Widow Twanky. Seriously, what the fuck? Who/what the hell is he/she/it? Intended to ‘act’ as comic relief, they're about as amusing as genital herpes, and as painful. Of course, they're usually played by some washed-up, alcohol-dependent Z-List celebrity, which rather aptly brings me on to...

3. The cast: This will be composed from a mixture of stage-school rejects and washed-up celebrities. They will include former soap actors (who have realised too late that there is no life after Eastenders), a veteran singer whose fan base is largely deceased (yes you, David Essex), or the Z-Lists, fresh from their appearances on I’m A Celebrity, having resigned themselves to the fact that all prospects of regaining any former dignity has long since passed them by.

4. They will try to get the audience involved. Cue: ‘‘HE’S BEHIND YOU!’’, ‘‘OH NO HE DIDN’T!’’, ‘‘OH YES HE DID!’’ ad infinitum. Fuck off. If I wanted to be shouted at by idiots then I’d referee a UWIC football match.

So there you have it. To summarise, there are undoubtedly far more entertaining things you could be doing with your time than inflicting on yourself this undesirable dirge. You could go to the cinema or something? Read a book? I don't fucking know, work it out for yourself.

huw he thinks stuff ?

So Christmas is coming, as it often does, and Cardiff cowers beneath a giant wheel outside the museum that threatens to roll its way through Bute Park and leave a trail of destruction and annoying small children in its wake. Seriously, that's why they're building a road through the park – in case the wheel rolls away.

'Tis the season to be jolly – except in Croatia, where the global recession has led the government to cancel Christmas. All parties and gift-giving in the public sector have been banned. There's a film in this. In my head, Charlie Sheen plays Jesus, a down-and-out alcoholic persuaded by his sidekick Santa (Jarvis Cocker) to convince the bah-humbug bureaucrats to reinstate the holiday while teaching Croatian children the real meaning of Christmas. Angelina Jolie plays the love interest (but not very well). The title is either Yule Be Sorry or Christ and Kris Kringle Crucify the Crazy Croat Criminals after Credit Crunch Crisis Craps on Christmas. Probably the first one, to be honest.

Christmas brings with it quite a lot of shit, but on the plus side, I have an excuse to listen to Stop The Cavalry. It's just a sod my iPod's knackered so I can't listen to it walking down the street, but I'm content to whistle it out of tune instead (yes, I am that man you hate – I also do The Addams Family).

Favourite Christmas songs can tell you a lot about a person. Liking Last Christmas

is, for better or worse, a sign of a normal person. Ditto playing Slade with the volume turned up to 11, screeching "It's Chriiiiiiiiiiiistmas" in the wrong place.

The thing to remember is that irony plays a very big role in a person thinking a Christmas song is good, and with this in mind, being a fan of East 17's classic Stay Another Day implies that person is nostalgic, has a good sense of

avoid Ronan Keating's cover of Fairytale of New York at all costs...

you don't adore Fairytale of New York, you don't have a soul. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh but if you don't like it you won't be offended because you have no feelings because you have no soul. You are dead inside. I'd carry on but I don't want to keep you from eating some babies.

Speaking of soulless, avoid at all costs Ronan Keating's cover of Fairytale of New York with some Irish bint, because it will destroy your faith in humanity. Not only does it obliterate the song's wistful beauty, they change the words from "you cheap lousy faggot" to "you're cheap and you're haggard".

humour and may or may not be a sexual predator. It was only when I was drunkenly singing karaoke that I noticed the lyric, "I touch your face while you are sleeping." Terrifying.

The list goes on. If someone's favourite song for this time of year is White Christmas, it is likely they are close to their family and enjoy traditional holidays. If they love I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day, they may be high-spirited, naïve and possibly dispirited by the trials of real life. Do They Know It's Christmas? – charitable, giving. Paul McCartney's Wonderful Christmastime suggests they have no taste in music. Anything by Cliff Richard suggests they're just plain weird.

These are all mere aspersions, but one thing is definitely true: if

Unlike many people (and I'm not judging), I don't like the song just for that verse. But it is a cracking piece of songwriting. In Keating's version, they cut "faggot" but keep the word "slut". Hmm.

So why is Fairytale of New York so beautiful? Well, just listen to it. Shane MacGowan coughing out "I've built my dreams around you" with all heart and no lungs shows why no one can cover the song, because to give his character a real singing voice is to make the story a lie (and also because no one can sing like Kirsty MacColl). The characters are human. They regret their mistakes and they shout abuse at each other, but they're bound by love and once again, they kiss on the corner and dance through the night.

And the bells are ringing out for Christmas Day…

As the nights grow longer, take advantage of the twilight and sparkle in this season's party wear. Make use of the plethora of furs and feathers to create a perfect look for this winter's festivies...

ANight'sTale

Seasonal Style Inspiration

Bridget Jones

If the Queen of soppy singletons can celebrate Christmas in flannel pyjamas, and snag her Mr Darcy while wearing a carpet-dress selected by her mother at the annual Turkey Curry Buffet, so can we.

Santarinas

Perfected by Victoria’s Secret and subsequently tackified by the Plastics in Mean Girls, the sexier version of Mrs Claus can be very cute, but could potentially make you look like you’re working the December shift at the Spearmint Rhino.

Marks & Spencer’s TV Ad

This year’s ads feature three gorgeous generations of supermodels Twiggy, Erin O’Connor and Lily Cole leaving you to wonder whether they’ve ever resorted to wearing elasticated trousers in the Christmas-binge aftermath.

Seth Cohen from The OC

This Chrismukkah-loving indieboy brought geek-chic to the fashion table by demonstrating his enthusiasm for wearing those infamous, ludicrously patterned Christmas jumpers traditionally worn once, then shoved into an airing cupboard until next year.

Bond Street Christmas Light Presenters

Of all the shopping streets in London, Bond Street has been the most fashion-conscious when selecting which celebrities to honour with the task of turning on its lights: previous presenters include supermodel Sophie Dahl, Jodie and Jemma Kidd and, er, Trinny and Susannah.

Renyi Lim

There is no time like the present (horrendous pun intended) to consider your wardrobe for those key calendar events.

Christmas Day

When you’ve got roasties, stuffing and a cheeseboard to contend with clingy clothing is the last thing you need. So ease your guilty mind and growing middle with this season’s effortlessly stylish and immensely flattering trend – the tunic. Cavalli and La Perla have been combining tunics with trousers, but whether you think of the yuletide tyre and opt for the elasticated waist of PVC leggings or heritage-patterned tights, the simple shape of the tunic allows for experimentation with fabric.

Work Party

Why not make accessories dish of the day. Think BIG. Statement pieces such as bold, colourful cocktail rings and oversized pearls inject colour and personality in to your outfit and give you the opportunity to inject some festive fun onto your plain LBD.

New Years Eve

Hoorah for fashions big night out! Take a break from wardrobe essentials and augment yourself into gleaming embodiments of glamour – embellishment is back! With dresses in every style to flatter figures, focus on the details: ruffles; origami cuts; faux fur; the sophisticated edge of a lace trim, create your own drama!

Kate Eaton

PHOTOGRAPHY:

Jake Yorath CLOTHES: Howells, Cardiff

Blind Date

goes live on Xpress!

Blind Date takes to the airwaves to

Everyone loves a bit of classic romance now and again, so we thought we'd resurrect the most cheese-tastic television show of all, Blind Date, brought to you exclusively through Xpress radio.

Cilla couldn't make it, but fortunately the lovely Thomas Carroll stepped in to present the show.

We had three lovely ladies in one studio, and one lucky guy in the other. We loaded him with questions and sat back to watch the sparks fly.

So will we have to buy a new wedding hat in true Cilla style, or did things end on a more sour note? Turn over to find out!

Contestant 1

Bethan Evans is a second year student of Law and Politics, and is from Brecon.

How would you describe yourself in three words?

Bubbly, outgoing and funny.

Describe your ideal man?

My ideal man is Wentworth Miller, but if he's not up for grabs then he has to be funny, smart and hot What is your ideal date?

My ideal date would be a weekend in Paris - cheesy I know. Why should John pick you? If he wants someone who has a good sense of humour, and will show him a good time, then he should choose me.

John Thompson is a third year undergraduate from Worcester. He is studying Marine Geography,

Contestant 2

Lynne Parr is a third year student from Somerset.

She is studying English Language.

How would you describe yourself in three words?

Loud, outgoing and flamboyant.

Describe your ideal man?

He would have the looks of Dave Grohl and the personality of Gethin Jones (of Blue Peter fame).

Describe your ideal date?

My ideal date would be skiing in the Alps.

Why should John choose you? Why wouldn't he choose me?

Who did John choose? Turn over to find out ...

How would you describe yourself in three words?

Fun, sporty and big. What do you do in your spare time?

I play rugby for the Cardiff Harlequins. I enjoy going out and watching sport, as well as playing it.

Describe your ideal date? It would simply be a meal and drinks.

Describe your ideal woman

She would be outgoing and confident with herself - I can't stand clingy women. But my ideal woman would be the stereotypical answer: Angelina Jolie. She's gorgeous.

Contestant 3

Emma Potter is a second year student of French and Spanish, and is from Bath.

How would you describe yourself in three words?

I'm friendly, fun and very chatty.

Describe your ideal man He has to be funny and interesting - but I don't re ally have a type.

What is your ideal date? I like suprises, so it would have to be something original.

Why should John choose you?

We will have fun because there will never be an awk ward silence with me around.

Blind Date The Results:

Chuck, fuck, or marry?" ...I think I'll have to say chuck! “ “

Lynne John

Blind Date: Lynne how did you feel when you found out you had won?

Lynne: Very surprised.

So lets get down to the nitty gritty, what do you rate John out of 10?

I'd give John a 7; he's a nice guy.

What were your first impressions when John was revealed?

I thought that he was really big...he's so tall. Were there any highlights of the date?

I suppose the highlight was that we got on well and had lots to talk about, we were there for a good few hours.

How do you describe John in three words?

Talkative, funny and nice.

Do you think you'll keep in touch?

Probably not, but it was a good giggle.

So do you recommend doing a blinddate?

Yeah it was really good fun.

So which would you rather: Chuck, fuck or marry?

I think I'll have to say chuck!

John and Lynne enjoyed their meal courtesy of Mordaith Bar & Grill, Oceana. For bookings call 02920 377014

John, now it's your turn to tell your side of the story. Why did you choose Lynne?

John: I chose Lynne because she sounded the most fun and I like a girl that can make me laugh. So what do you rate Lynne out of 10?

I think it'll have to be seven.

What were your first impressions of Lynne when she was revealed?

I was pleased, she seemed like a nice girl. Were there any highlights on the date?

Would it be wrong if I said the food?

Well...

No she was a really good laugh and easy to get on with which was good.

How do you describe Lynne in three words? Loud, outgoing and funny.

Will you keep in touch?

Probably not, the next time I will see her is when she is working behind the bar and I'm on the other side of it.

So which would you rather: chuck, fuck or marry?

I'll go with chuck, I don't think a relationship will come out of this.

I don't think we'll be buying a hat anytime soon.

...without borders

Sophia Moatti investigates Kashmir: a region in the north-west of India riddled with religious and ethnic tensions

“

If there is paradise anywhere on earth, it is here, it is here, it is here." This is the way in which Kashmir was once famously described. Once a haven for backpackers, mainly due to its stunning scenery and fascinating history and culture, Kashmir has since become famous for other reasons. The country has been plagued by violence and civil unrest since it became part of India in 1947, in a destructive war fuelled mainly by religious conflicts and affecting millions.

We initially had no plans to go to Kashmir due to the widespread civil unrest and violent outbreaks that shadow its history, yet before we knew it, we had been ushered into a small smoky office met by a family of hustlers and persuaded to fly to Kashmir to stay on a houseboat.

As we landed in Srinagar we became aware that the military had swamped the airport and stepping out of the plane felt like war correspondents lacking the bulletproof press jacket. It was more like Baghdad than Barbados.

We were met by the godfather of the family, a man who could strike fear into the soul, with eyes that looked like they had been soaked in tea, creating a fear-inducing glare, he also happened to be our host for the week.

We felt blessed he was on our side but as we drove through the military road blocks and gun turrets it became obvious that this was not a place to wonder and gaze.

The houseboat was amazing.

Nestled among a hundred others, they had managed to create the feel of ornate craftsmanship by carving away at any spare piece of wood available and adding extra coloured bulbs for a romantic feel. Sitting on the veranda, surrounded by water and a scenic mountainous horizon we were able to relax. Isolated in a bubble of blissful ignorance to what was going on around us.

After a day of relaxation, we were taken trekking by two young Kashmiri boys that thought they had mastered the western hip style singing Backstreet Boys and smoking hashish in re-rolled cigarettes. We also met a local guide with a mocha-stain tache who took us

We were informed of a gang rape, more street riots and deaths “ “

high up into the mountains through waterfalls and rivers, camped out in old school canvas tents and caught fresh brown trout which we deep fried in vegetable oil and guzzled up with curry and rice.

However, on the return to Srinagar, we were informed of a gang rape, more street riots and deaths, including an unfortunate child who was hit by a tear gas shell. Things had escalated since our time in the mountains and Muslim and Hindu

tensions were at a high.

Our planed schedule to travel to Jammu by jeep was no longer a reality as attacks on vehicles had become frequent and the train lines had been sabotaged. It became clear that the only safe way out of Kashmir was by plane; we booked our tickets that day.

As the curfews came down we boarded our plane out of Kashmir, even going through the airport we were fully searched no less than six times and they even wanted to open up my iPod to check for explosives.

Travelling to Kashmir had given us an insight into the complexity of the situation, a place divided by religion where feelings of repression are met by a brutal and faceless military presence that are not wanted and appear to not want to be there.

We also witnessed problems of other kinds; domestic arguments, communal wife beatings and felt awkward that we should turn up to have a look around as tourists, in a place that seemed to have other priorities.

The scenery was beautiful and our time on the houseboat was wonderful yet we lacked the freedom to just take a stroll or explore even the nearby streets.

On top of this, as a woman, although I covered my head in public and was always respectful, I felt very restricted as everywhere I went men stared and took my picture on their phones.

This made it hard to learn more about Kashmir from the people who really know it, its inhabitants.

///THE FLIGHT CHRISTMAS///

Budapest, Hungary

The Christmas market in Budapest has everything you could want from the festive season: Snow, plenty of mulled wine and hot Hungarian sausage!

Innuendo aside, it's utterly beautiful: the wooden stalls are full of traditionally crafted leather, fur and wooden ornaments, (and before you ask, no we didn’t buy any fur. Yes, it's un-PC but it looks so pretty!)

We managed to pick up some really unique and cheap Christmas

DIJEMAA EL FNA, MOROCCO

Marrakech has always been something of a cosmopolitan pleasure city, where southern tribesmen and Berber villagers come to sell their goods and spend their profits.

For visitors it is a stunning mixture of sights, sounds, tastes and smells which provide for the ultimate quick shopping trip abroad.

A short, cheap flight from the UK will drop you in the ‘Red City,’ so called because of the colour of

gifts, such as hand-painted glass baubles, which were made from scratch in front of our eyes! The food stalls were amazing and as well as the aforementioned sausage, there were loads of hot pastries. In my gulhwein-fulled haze it felt like had jumped into Hanzel and Gretel and I definitely ate my fair portion of the gingerbread house!

Also another must see are the Turkish baths which are dotted around the whole of the city and are some of the oldest outside Turkey. With winter temperatures reaching -10 during the day and dipping to -20 at night it is amazing to be sitting in this hot swimming pool watching the stream pour into the sky. We went

to the Szechenyi baths, which are situated next to an old communist fairground- basically a deathtrap, but it looked picturesque!

The saunas were incredible and heated, just from the boiling hot underground springs. The only thing I didn’t like were the sulphurbaths that were meant to have healing properties but they were green, stank of egg and contained numerous people who had pruned up so much they looked like they had been there for centuries!

Lastly, a word of warning: don’t wear a communist style fur hat when you are out there - I got a little excited and bought it from a vintage shop thinking it would be the perfect accessory. It was, but it's also a sign of being filthy rich and so it almost got us mugged!

the buildings.

But don’t be fooled, there is no shortage of other colours.

Djemaa el Fna is quite simply the most stunning market in the world. By day, you can wander the little back alleys haggling over a mixture of Moroccan gems, such as stunning traditional carpets, colourful tagines and notoriously soft leather. However, it is the night-time when the true beauty of this market shows through. It is transformed into a magical circus of snake charmers, acrobats, storytellers and musicians. For all you money conscious students out there it's as cheap as well, something really cheap. You can stay in an acceptable

Nicole Briggs hotel close to the main square for under a fiver a night, the food is dirt-cheap and you’ll save loads on the pressies as well!

Also, it is always much more satisfying haggling for your discounts than browsing for hours online.

So this Christmas, don’t spend your time fighting off the hundreds of Vicky Pollards in Woolworths (may it rest in peace) for that cookbook your mum never wanted: head to Djemaa el Fna instead.

Simon Lucey

BEFORE

Christmas shopping can be so stressful; why not make a holiday out of it? This week, Travel explores some key destinations for festive purchases...

TVenice, Italy

hose looking for a way to escape the tacky cliché that is Christmas in England (blowup Santas and chavvy carollers anyone?) there is nowhere better to head than the fairytale setting of Venice.

Getting lost amidst the cobbled streets winding between towering buildings is half the fun as you stumble into brightly lit squares full of restaurants and performers, or find a quiet place next to the waterways to watch the (extortionate) gondolas pass by.

If you flirt successfully you may be able to blag a cheap ride, but they can cost up to 100 EUR for 40 minutes – extra for singing. Student loans may not stretch to musical punting, so the countless water taxis are an easy and cheap way to get around. Don’t attempt to skip the fare thoughthe ticket attendants are terrifying.

Culture whores will revel Venice, with museums dedicated to subjects as varied as erotica, modern art, or the ghetto. The Peggy Guggenheim was a personal favourite… perhaps because we were given free drinks.

If you’re on a shopping mission the designer district is always good for browsing, attempting to persuade the haughty shop assist- ant that you can afford that 1,000 EUR D&G dress. At the other end of the scale, there are also a plethora of beautiful markets such as the Campo San Stefano selling food, alcohol and gifts.

For the actual run up to Christmas, Midnight mass at St. Mark’s Basilica is an awe-inspiring way to spend Christmas Eve, as tourists and locals alike gather for a traditional service. December 26th is St. Stephens Day, a national holiday, and it’s well worth staying for the celebrations as most of the attractions stay open.

Venice is enchanting; the language, food, architecture and culture mean that even if you’re on a tight budget you can meander the city just drinking in the sights. And seriously, flirt with the gondolier.

Rachael Sweet

Spitalfields Market, U.K.

Bloc Party once compared East London to a vampire, sucking the joy out of them. Well, they obviously weren't doing their Christmas shopping at the time.

If quirky and kitsch is your thing, arty Spitalfields guarantees to fill your pockets (or should that be empty them?) with vintage, retro and one-of-a-kind loveliness.

Voted the best market in London, the stalls offer different things on different days, so check; www.spitalfields.co.uk if you're looking for something particular.

The wares are of a high quality, and if you're staying in London for a while you can get one of the stallholders to make you some- thing to fit. The tailoring don’t come cheap, though: coats can be upwards of £200.

Gift-wise, jewellery is a safe bet, with many stalls selling unusual necklaces (I'm the proud owner of a mini golden dictionary with a magnifying glass attached). Note- books, trinket boxes and antique furnishings are also in abundance. Outside the market, the streets are lined with independent shops selling much of the same, and with the famous Brick Lane near- by, it's not hard to find something different.

Lamorna Elmer

More turke

To prevent turkey overload before the advent countdown has even reached double figures, Food searches Cardiff's offerings of more alternative culinary delights.

Pica Pica, 15-23 Westgate Street.

Hidden away from the floodlights of the Millennium Stadium is Pica Pica: a converted cellar with the original ceilings still intact – or so the friendly bartender informs me. The Mediterranean ambiance is captivating; colourful artwork, squashy leather sofas, a mosaic bar and off beat music. If my shoes weren’t filled with rain, I’d have almost thought I was somewhere exotic.

The cocktails are delicious; all the classics are offered, along with a few creations. I opt for a Basil Bramble Sling – gin, blackberries and, as the name suggests, basil. If you prefer something sweeter, try the Apricot Cooler which, according to the menu, “tastes like sherbet”. Most of the cocktails are £5.80, there’s a two-for-one deal until 8pm every day, and on Wednesdays the offer lasts all night! Then there’s the tapas: six for £12 until 6pm every day. Perfect for a Christmas night out with a difference. Ashling Moran

Coffee #1, Albany Road

With freezing cold weather and the trials of Christmas shopping the haven that is the coffee shop comes in to its own. Coffee #1 fits all the desirable criteria: Good coffee, truly decadent cakes, comfy arm chairs and no discrimination against the non-caffeine lovers with plenty of coffee free drinks.

For a touch of the Christmas spirit their yule tide offerings include Gingerbread lattes, hot spiced apple brew and mince pies. There's also a warming selection of paninis and quiche. And not a Starbucks logo in sight.

Gourmet Burger Kitchen

Nothing sits on your stomach quite like a patty of sweaty, tasteless beef from the takeaway around the corner, but unfortunately there are times as a student when nothing seems quite so appealing. Lucky for us, then, that the Gourmet Burger Kitchen are finally in the city to plug the gap for those craving the simple, casual pleasure of a burger who don’t want to chew on a leathery, dry slab of cow.

With a menu that features everything from Boar to Butternut Squash burgers, it’s safe to say that you will find something you like here, even if you’re a veggie - so long as you like food that comes packed between two buns. The burgers are costly at around £6-£8, but they are truly decadent and well worth the price tag, giving you a solid handful and a jaw-dislocating depth that will stifle conversation and leave burger juice dribbling down your chin. It’s extra for chips, mind, which come at a premium at £2.70, and aren’t really that special.

With its casual, relaxed atmosphere and location right in the heart of the city, GBK is a great place to hang with friends and line your stomach before a night out. Now, if only they were open at 2 am…

Ben Bryant

The unsung Festive alternatives:

1: Multi Bird Roast

A meaty delight comprised of a bird in a bird in a bird (in a bird). Reaching up to 24 birds and 50,000 calories per roast this is the perfect Christmas treat to crown your table, and feed a family of ten for a month.

2: Thai Takeaway

Unconventional, but if you’re not partial to the classic turkey roast then look no further than your local takeaway where you can get a meal of equal size with zero washing up.

3: Kedgeree

A bowl of fishy rice may not be your first craving on Christmas morning, but kedgeree is a traditional breakfast dish not to be overlooked. Expect haddock, eggs and rice, all tied together with parsley and a curry powder kick.

4: Satsumas

And finally, let’s not forget the ever traditional Satsuma. The perfect antidote to chocolate over-kill and the source of endless entertainment. Dry the Satsuma skins and craft them into potpourri... or Christmas decorations … or a miniature model replica of Louis Walsh.

Rosie Martin

y, anyone?

Mini Fajitas

Ingredients:

- 4 small wraps

As it's so cold outside why not throw a party at home? For a Christmas party with a twist, try these spiced up festive recipes.

Mulled Wine

Ingredients:

- 1 bottle red wine

- 60g demerara sugar

- 1 cinnamon stick

- Grated nutmeg

- 1 orange, halved

- 1 dried bay leaf

- 60ml sloe or damson gin (optional)

1. Put the wine in a saucepan with the orange, sugar, bay leaf and the spices.

2. Heat gently until the sugar has dissolved. Taste to see if you want the wine sweeter, and add more sugar to taste.

3. Off the heat, stir in the sloe or damson gin if you are using it.

4. Strain into heatproof glasses and serve immediately.

- 400g diced chicken / turkey / quorn

- Fajita Seasoning such as Schwartz Fajita Mix

- 1 chopped onion

- 1 red pepper cut into strips

- 1 green pepper cut into strips

- Salsa

- Sour Cream

1. Heat the oil in a pan over a medium-high heat. Add the chicken and

Spicy Cajun Wedges

For the potatoes:

4 medium-sized baking potatoes

2 tablespoons olive oil

1 tablespoon Cajun spice seasoning

For the topping:

100g mature Cheddar cheese, grated

4 spring onions, trimmed and chopped

1. Preheat the oven to 225°C,450°F, gas mark 7.

2. Scrub the potatoes and then cut

Chocolate Truffles

Ingredients:

- 125g plain cooking chocolate

- 125g butter

- 125g icing sugar

- 2 tsp chosen liquor (optional)

- 2 tbsp cocoa powder

1. Melt the chocolate and leave to cool

2. Beat the butter and icing sugar

sprinkle with the Fajita Seasoning, adding more or less according to taste. Add the onion and cook for 5 minutes, stirring frequently.

2. Add the peppers and for cook 5 -7 mins, stirring frequently, until chicken is no longer pink in the middle and the pepper is tendercrisp.

3. Cut the wraps in half and place a spoonful of the mixture in the middle of each half. Fold two sides of the wrap towards the centre and secure with a toothpick. Serve with the salsa and sour cream.

into wedges about 1cm thick.

3. Place potatoes in a clean plastic bag and add the oil and spice seasoning. Seal and shake well to mix.

4. Tip out on to a large baking sheet lined with baking parchment and space out evenly. Bake for 3540 mins, turning halfway through, until tender and golden.

5. To serve, pile some wedges on to warmed serving plates and sprinkle each portion with a little cheese and a few spring onions.

till fluffy

3. Mix in the chocolate and liquor

4. Leave in the fridge for 45 mins

5. Roll in to balls and lightly cover with cocoa powder

6.Leave on foil to set and behold, the perfect thoughtful Christmas present.

“

THE ELEPHANT

I was pretty shithoused drunk last night. Were you shit-housed? You weren’t? I was shithoused. The last thing I remember doing last night is snorting coffee beans… “

“

Pre-gig at Clwb Ifor Bach, backstage. Five Kentucky-based musicians are sprawled over a couple of sofas, Stella in hand, with telling expressions of a jam-packed tour schedule. They’ve played 16 out of the last 19 days around the UK.

“I was pretty shit-housed drunk last night. Were you shit-housed? You weren’t? I was shit-housed. The last thing I remember doing last night is snorting coffee beans…” Matt Schultz, vocals, drops the first hint that Cage the Elephant are a very unique fivesome. His brother Brad chimes in at this point, reeling off a lengthy list of Matt’s crazy antics. “This one time [in Aberdeen], he jumps up from the stage and starts swinging from the chandelier, and it just rips from the ceiling, and Matt crashes down onto his back. It was hilarious.” He then proceeds to redeliver tales of microphone electrocution, and once getting stuck in between two amps for a whole song after an attempted acrobatic performance. These guys really know how to entertain their fans – a following of people ranging from 14 to 40. Strangely, Lincoln seems quite excited about the news of the extra large gathering of kids tonight; “We like kids. Kids are fun.” Hmm.

Cage The Elephant, who allegedly found their name on a dot-to-dot on the back of a cereal packet (and are not animal cruelty activists as I wrongly assumed), are just how you’d imagine a young American band: chilled, hav-

ing a laugh, and somehow managing to fit the word ‘dude’ into every sentence with a Deep South drawl. Although they admit the occasional anger-induced tussles on stage, off stage they are ridiculously hospitable. “Usually we have strippers backstage,” laughs Brad, foaming at the mouth with toothpaste. Tonight, however, it was just the occasional passing of a topless

Kentucky's finest, Cage The Elephant, aren't your usual Rock & Roll band. Despite a strict Christian upbringing, they leave a trail of carnage and mischief wherever they go. Alcohol-fuelled tales of broken equipment and soujourns with women of loose morals are just snippets of the unstoppable buzz surrounding the young band. Steve Beynon met the band to discuss Dylan, Christian Radio, and breakfast cereal packaging.

population realise that, it becomes lame. And there are just too many drugs…”

“ “

I won’t lie to you, it’s been

support band member.

The Schultz brothers, along with bassist Daniel Tichenor, have all been brought up by very religious families, listening to WCBK Christian radio, reminiscent of “a bad Christmas advert.”

“Our parents were proper hippies who ended up finding God on an acid trip, rocking out to Christian bands. It was kind of bad.

We did get a bit of Joe Cocker and Pink Floyd now and again, though.

Our [Schultz and Tichenor] dad used to be in a Christian rock band too.”

When asked why he didn’t follow the hippy path, Brad replied with a sigh; “Once something becomes pop culture it just gets out of hand… I’m sure at the time it was cool, but when the majority of the

Matt broke free of his parents’ clutch after listening to Jimi Hendrix, who he says has inspired his music, along with Bob Dylan, who’s lyrics are "morally inspiring.” Dylan’s influence, as well as their Christian background, takes a stand in CTE’s lyrics, for example the slating of prostitution and mugging in Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked. However, if you add the backgrounds of guitarist Lincoln Parish and drummer Jared Champion, it makes for a great sound. It didn’t take long for other people to catch on to this either: after a few gruelling local gigs to five people where Jared backed the band with a drum kit found in a skip, CTE have risen through the ranks to support the likes of Foals, Queens of the Stone Age, and Pigeon Detectives. This was, of course, once they brought the musical standard up to match that of their wild antics. “I won’t lie to you, it’s been awesome – we’ve been really lucky to work with the guys we work with [at Relentless]”.

The band, who recently upped sticks to Leyton, east London are now in the final stages of producing their yet-unnamed (at least to me) second studio album. A sample of this later on in the evening shows promise and signs of an ever-evolving elephant. “We’re going to crush the UK!” proclaims Lincoln. They’re already well on their way…

O, Come Faithful?

'To cheat or not to cheat?'

Gay, straight or anything that comes in between, re all pretty quick to condemn the act of cheating. Yeah, yeah, yeah! It’s painful and s indulgent, and ultimately, it’s a bit fucking nasty. Who ever got a pat on the back for cheating? Not Charles and Camilla. Not Rebecca Loos. Even the Cheryl Coles and Hillary Clintons that take back their straying spouses get a brutal backlash for trying to forgive and forget. Contemporary tales of love and romance have led us all to the conclusion that cheating will only ever lead to death, despair, or a pretty embarrassing STD. And this is why 'Thou Shalt Not Cheat' is widely accepted as the core commandment in the dating Bible. But the LGBT has a well earned reputation for chucking most rule books onto the back burner. You know what they say. Rules are made to be broken, and for gays, that might just include the rules of relationships. Queerkind could go as far as to argue that ‘The Relationship Rule Book' never did apply to them. Gays are physically unable in the true reproductive sense of the term, so they t need to adhere to the same rules as heterosexuals, who enter into monogamous

Come All Ye

Faithful?

This is the question on Gay lips as we ponder: can fidelity ever have a fighting chance in a gay relationship?

relationships in order to create the traditional structure for rearing a family. Without the ability to reproduce, homosexuals don’t actually need to partake in sex for any other reason than for the sheer hell of it. So if it’s just about sexual gratification, maybe gay men and lesbian women don't need to be monogamous. Pleasure doesn’t have to come from one source. So is monogamy just a relic borrowed from irrelevant heterosexual traditions? Gay bars cater primarily for match making, offering a risk free environment for same sex pairing. But even the most romantically minded would have a bit of trouble making a truly powerful emotional connection on the dance floor of Pulse with a significant other. I think we’re all a bit blinded by the strobe lights and distracted by the alcohol and camp classics to find the love of our life. So what does that leave? Sex…again. And with sex being marketed to the excess in gay clubs, from the topless poster boys to the free condoms, it is definitely a challenging environment to maintain monogamy, or even get yourself into a monogamous relationship to begin with. And if you’re lucky enough to get yourself in a relationship, even then the definition of fidelity is a bit ambiguous. Just as philosophers ponder whether a tree actually falls if no one is there to see or hear it, are those that stray from their sig-

nificant others actually participating in the act of cheating if they do not get caught? And whose to even say what exactly constitutes cheating? I know of gay couples who are totally monogamous with each other and are happy to do this. But then again I know of another gay couple who take a more pragmatic approach. They have told me that they accept

Maybe gay men and lesbian women don't need to be monogamous... Pleasure doesn’t have to come from one source “ “

that it’s too difficult to be exclusively sexual to each other.

The ongoing international legislation of civil partnerships, or ‘Gay marriage’ has given homosexuals a very profound opportunity to prove those who discredit the ability for gay monogamy. The chances of getting cheated on or cheating are not increased just by the fact that you are in a gay environment rather than straight one. But straight relationships have less pressure on them, so one could argue it’s easier for

them to stay together. If you relationship you can go pretty much wher ever you want and hold hands, kiss, cuddle. In a gay relationship, society doesn't give you the same degree of freedom as a couple. It all boils down to the fact that we human and victims of temptation. Sex is available to everyone if they want it. The divorce rate for hetero couples is still rising, and over 50 % of these relationships end due to some sort of sexual indiscretion. Such a statistic proves that infidelity is not homo or hetero specific. In today’s society, we can be whatever sexuality we want to a degree, and can partake in many different types of sexual practice and expression. Questions of sex

BARE-FACED

Reckon

you could ditch the slap for a week? the challenge and takes on the world with a naked face

Afew months ago I became a real life Girls’ World when my four-year-old cousin decided to do my make-up for me. She told me she wanted to make me "beautiful." When I asked her was I not beautiful already she looked at me with confusion and said "I’ll make you more beautiful." And so, at the age of four she had realised that make-up has become an indispensable tool in our daily lives. For many of us, the thought of leaving the house without make-up is simply an unimaginable thought. So going for a week without a scrap of makeup? I know, I must be mad.

Monday

I awake with a feeling of impending dread at the thought of No Makeup Week. As I throw on my clothes I gaze longingly at my make-up bag, desperate to reach for the eyeliner and eye shadow. Like most of the female race I don’t look my best in the morning and am dying for some concealer here and foundation there, but I pull myself away from the bag of tricks and head outside.

"OH MY GOD," I may as well be naked... I’ve never felt more exposed in my entire life.

I pass a postman and to my surprise he doesn’t fall to the floor, shielding his eyes, begging me to turn around and walk the other way. It still doesn’t stop me feeling paranoid. However, as I walk to my lecture I feel as though each person I pass is staring, with their eyes on stalks at my blotchy, bare face. As the day goes on I begin to forget that I’m not wearing makeup. That is, until I go to the toilet and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My friend tells me, "You

look just as pretty as you do with makeup." I decide that I must have lovely friends because the reflec tion leaves me horrified and as the perfectly-preened girl next to me applies some mascara, I desperately want to say to her, "I don look like this!"

As the girl next to me applies mascara, I desperately want to say to her, ‘I don’t normally look like this!’ “ “

In my lunch hour I head into town. I arrive at my haven – Topshop – and am served by a girl who is so made up she can barely blink through the lashings of mascara. Her lips are outlined by what looks like felt tip pen and across her cheekbones are stripes of bright orange bronzer. It is then that I realise that perhaps au naturel is preferable to drag queen.

Tuesday

This morning I spend more time grooming my hair in an attempt to detract attention from my face. Halfway down the road, I realise I’ve forgotten my hairbrush on possibly the windiest day of the year. I contemplate going back home for it at the risk of missing the beginning of my lecture but conclude that vanity has taken a backseat so far this week so I may as well not bother. I arrive looking as though I’ve been dragged through a hedge

Unlike yesterday, I don t get a horrifying shock when I glance in a mirror. In fact, my no-make-up look is growing on me. Aside from looking about twelve, going without makeup isn’t as bad as I initially thought.

Wednesday

Flicking my way through the glossy pages of magazines, I find myself looking at the celebs’ makeup. I realise that the most attractive pick of the bunch – Cheryl Cole, Myleen Klass and Rachel Bilson have one thing in common: they may not be completely bare faced, but they seem to have embraced the less-is-more approach. The heavily made up Jodie Marsh, Jordan and Pamela Anderson, however, look grotesquely over done by comparison. Again, I realise that the fresh faced, natural look is far more womanly and appealing than slapping your makeup on with a garden trowel.

Thursday

Today is my first early morning and I love spending the extra 10 minutes, which would otherwise be devoted to make-up application, snuggled under my duvet.

Later I look on the internet to see, out of interest, whether anyone else has endured a similar week without make-up. After Googling ‘no make-up for a week’ I am met with an article on a website detailing how

BARE-FACED CHEEK

Friday

Tomorrow I’m facing the unbearable: going clubbing without makeup. I decide to go into town to find a show stopping dress which will hopefully give me the confidence otherwise gained from a swipe of eyeliner and slick of lip gloss. And, as a male friend kindly points out, "Wear a revealing dress and no one will be looking at your face anyway." Charming.

Saturday

Tonight is the ultimate culmination of a week without make-up. Leaving the house bare faced was challenge enough, but nothing in the league of going out in the evening without a scrap of the stuff. Normally, getting ready is a lengthy routine of make-up application, hair straightening, several outfit changes and loud music. I realise, however, that I don’t even need to contemplate preparation until about five minutes before we’re due to leave.

comments but I suddenly feel like an animal in a zoo... an unattractive specimen to say the least. However,

I arrive home, being able to collapse in bed without having to remove any make-up is an unbelievable luxury.

Sunday

Within minutes of arriving at the club, the obligatory female trips to the toilet begin and as I wait for

to my surprise the guy comes over and informs me, "my mate thinks you’re really fit." In a made-up state this comment would have undoubtedly been met with a withering look, but I feel so happy that he doesn’t think I look atrocious that I want to go and throw my arms around him with glee.

As the evening wears on and the club fills up, I feel glad that I’m fresh faced and not dealing with smudged eye make-up and streaking mascara. I may feel a little worse for wear but at least I don’t look it. When

My week of no make-up is officially over. I expected to be rushing for the brushes and pencils by now, but even by 6pm not a scrap of make-up has reached my face. Eventually, when I do apply some, I feel like a make-up virgin and am transported back to the first time I applied eyeliner. I’ve loved the way 'no-make-up-week' has made me feel free and liberated, because most of the fear of ditching make-up for a week is wrapped up in how our naked face will be perceived by other people. It’s saddening that society has made make-up so essential that informing girls that I’m going a week without it was met with sharp intakes of breath and "you’re so brave" comments, as if I had just told them I was going for a swim in shark infested waters. However, I would be lying if I said I completely enjoyed the natural approach, because make-up is the physical equivalent of somebody telling you that no, your bum doesn’t look big. It is, quite simply, a confidence boost in a pot. Although I am more open to the natural look and will definitely be wearing less make-up, I won’t be chucking in the make-up bag yet. After all, whoever invented eyeliner deserves a medal.

Fucked
Up

Fucked Up are one of the most thrilling and brutal live bands on the hardcore circuit. Leah Eynon and Ben Marshall caught up with Pink Eyes, iconic frontman of the band most notorious for brutal live shows, fanatical following and their staunch political beliefs.

Fucked Up’s Pink Eyes aka Father Damian aka the saviour of modern hardcore is not your average frontman. He’s really not your average anything really. Resplendent in comfy sportswear and possessing a cheery, avuncular disposition, Pink Eyes puts you in mind of a cheery uncle, rather than the talismanic force behind one of the most prolific hardcore acts of modern times.

However, Pink Eyes’ journey into the band is not as simple as one might think. The band had existed as a four-piece, but just prior to the recording of the their first demo tape Pink Eyes was thrust into the fold on vocal duties. Yet, despite all outwards signs pointing toward a unified front, Pink Eyes is quick to point out that he sees the band as two differing entities.

‘I see the band as existing in two different worlds. Like, when we play live I do feel as if I’m the focal point a lot of the time, for better or for worse, but when we are in the studio, I’m very much just part of a bigger thing. I mean, when you consider a release like Year of the Pig, which was like 19 minutes long and was really experimental. We simply can’t recreate that live, which is where I come to the fore. I always wanted the band to be straight up hardcore, but there are elements within the band that want to be more experimental, which I totally respect, but shows the differences that exist within the band as a whole.’

Not only is the band renowned for

their experimenting, but their political beliefs have also been central to the band’s existence. Having spent much of their early career playing anarchist bookshops and festivals, many of the band’s central members are very outspoken about their anar chist leanings

I always wanted the band to be straight up hardcore “ “

‘I guess that the politics are pretty important to the band, although I wouldn’t go as far as to say that we are defined as an anarchist band. There are so many different politi cal stances within the band that it would be disingenuous to suggest otherwise. I mean, personally, I I was more centrist, whereas others would certainly define themselves as anarchists. Plus I think that we all pretty much agree that it’s pretty trite to try and explain a political viewpoint within the parameters of a song.

While he wouldn’t consider himself an overtly political being, he certainly would describe himself as a music fan. An avid collector of obscure punk 7” and all forms of music, he has an affinity with his main audience of young punk purists.

‘I think that the resur-

Fucked
Up

Like with a 12” or a 7” you have to make sure that you don’t scratch it, remove it from the dustsleeve and sit down and listen to it

“ “

I'm a woman in the prime of her life needs love-squeezins!

'I don't accessorize. I'm Howard Moon. There's a simple truth to me'

'Crouton, crouton, crunchy friends in a liquid broth. I am gazpacho, oh, I am a summer soup, oh! Miso, miso! Fighting in the dojo, miso, miso! Oriental prince in the land of soup!

'The tweed utility patch: scuffproof, weatherproof, even bulletproof sir'

'I'mgoingtoJazzercise.Working 'SomesayOld rage.Imagine 'Feelmy multi-hexagonal texturedalien penis!' 'GothJuice...

Crimping, Tundras and Nanageddon!

Tundras Nanageddon!

Kate Budd experiences the surreal world of Mighty Boosh- the live edition

A journey through time and space... Kate Budd discovers the Mighty Boosh LIVE!

As a glitzy Noel Fielding and nautical Julian Barratt glide onstage to the tune of ‘Future Sailors’, Mighty Boosh Live opens in style.

The effortlessly casual Noel generates an immediate rapport with the audience by chatting to members of the crowd, in particular one local nutter who then chooses to heckle “Lasagne!” throughout the rest of the show. This sets a standard for the night. It was not going to be an average piece of theatre where you passively sit and watch for three gruelling hours. For one night we were experiencing the bizarre world of the Mighty Boosh.

Kicking things off, quite literally, is Bob Fossil, who bounds onstage sporting a pink sweatband and gets the crowd to jump up for some funky dance moves. Grab the sandwiches, feed the chickens (“feed the fucking chickens!”), or else he would “rain down on you like a piñata full of semen!”. Nice.

It became clear that the Boosh had produced acclaimed stage shows before the TV series that we all know and love - and this was pure theatre. On stage the surreal world was truly brought to life through a magnificently designed set and lavish costumes. Giant inflatable eels

roamed the stage and fashion victim Vince Noir’s giant hairdryer was on full display. The lovable Howard Moon was projected onto a screen above the stage and Andy Harrison was skillfully executed by Noel, who stood inside an armchair with a glorified swimming cap on his head.

As Noel slipped over inside the chair, the casual style that shone throughout the show really stood out. You were left unsure whether the occasional blunders were genuine mistakes or a carefully crafted impression of informality. Each spontaneous moment rolled smoothly into the next, each quirky phrase linked effortlessly to another.

What makes the Boosh so absurdly brilliant is their creative use of language. There are moments of genius and every description truly captures your imagination, even if the phrases then quickly disappear from your memory. The whole live show had a really fresh feel to it. Earlier, more obvious references to Old Gregg and the like were put aside to make way for more recent material and original sketches. Theatre also brought a new dimension to the existing characters. Even Naboo, whose usual appearance is pretty cringe-worthy, had a real charm within the stage show.

Julian Barratt is fantastic as the corduroy-clad jazz maverick Howard Moon, whose delusions of grandeur are seen as he attempts to make the second part of the show a profound piece of insightful theatre. The pair have the same rapport on stage as on screen, the uber-trendy Vince Noir playing on his insecurities (“eyes like belt holes”) and constantly making him look like a bit of a tool. This is shown when Howard’s cover shot for Jazz On Your Face magazine is revealed by Vince, after he had mistakenly stumbled into a porn mag shoot involving strategically placed trombones.

All of this was brought together by the Boosh band who played a big part in the show, rocking out all the classic tunes in a finale which drew the act to a close.

The absence of any form of storyline added to the show rather than marking its downfall. This was what defined the Boosh, an abstract collection of obscure moments and songs about soup. Its an escape into a surreal world of crimping, Tundras and Nanageddon. Brimming with originality and pure talent, nothing else on the comedy circuit really comes close.

Hot Property

Some literature to warm your cockles: Tales from Mexico, Spain and the Basque Country

Happy Families

Happy Families

Carlos Fuentes (Bloomsbury)

Carlos Fuentes (Bloomsbury)

Happy Families is a compilation of short stories by renowned Mexican author Carlos Fuentes. The title and the theme of the collection is taken from Tolstoy’s opening line in Anna Karenina - "Are happy families really all alike? Is every unhappy family unhappy in its own way?"

Fuentes writes about 16 Mexican families who look like normal happy families to an outsider, but have deeper emotional issues.

Truthfully, I found it hard to get through this novel. The stories were as connected to each other as Merlin is connected to Harry Potter. The basic theme of unhappiness and an unsatisfied life thread each story together, but the stories ended so abruptly that it was hard to tell what the point of the story was.

One thing that was understood was that, in a time of divorces and inheritance squabbles, such separation was not an option for any of the families in the novel; strict Roman Catholicism and tradition are what bind these mismatched couples and their children. Fuentes seems to suggest that the happier a family looks from the outside in the eyes of society, the higher the probability of emotional scarring and deeper psychological damage.

Fuentes is able to draw you into the dark, gloomy world of these unhappy families and you’ll be able to feel the cloud of depression hanging over you as you read on. A good read if you like to know about other people’s dysfunctional families, but not a good idea if you’re more fond of happy endings.

Rohini Prasad

Black Beach, and other plays ed. Jeff Teare and Jordi Coca (Parthian)

Catalonia is, according to the introduction to this collection, rife with modern theatrical development. The three plays here, written in the midnineties (but recently translated)

Strange Language

ed. Mari Jose Olaziregi (Parthian)

Not only did the title Strange Language put me off, but not having a great interest in short story anthologies or a

offer a reasonably wide showcase of this Autonomous Community’s dramatic output.

Black Beach, the first in the collection, is by far the weakest. Written by the editor, it is clichéd, disappointing and made me dread reading the two following plays in the book.

Artful, subtle, beautifully nuanced, with a shocking edge of violence “ “

Thankfully quite short, it deals with two ex-lovers discussing ‘artfully’ unstated political issues at a party conference. The writing was stunted, the dialogue poor and it was an utterly unfulfilling play, which fantastically juxtaposed with Naked, the second piece. Written by Joan Casas, it was a Beckett-influenced half hour of two lovers thrice entering an attic, talking and then leaving before instantly reappearing through

the stage trap and starting the whole thing all over again. Artful, subtle, beautifully nuanced, yet with a shocking edge of violence at one point and an unexpected betrayal in the final, seemingly happiest, repetition of the scene, it reminded me how much I loved Absurdism, and how awful Coca’s play was.

The final play, The Sale, had a very simple stage set up and relied on very swift, very dense dialogue, with an impressive use of pauses and confusion. It centred on a woman selling a flat, but throughout it was never clear whether the flat was hers, habitable, or when she was lying. The dialogue worked brilliantly, and the vibrancy of the script really made me want to see it performed, and surely that is exactly what one wishes for in a script. All in all, this collection had two fantastic dramatic pieces, and one very poor one; the editor should have stuck with his nicely informative introduction and given the reader a third example of the fantastic drama Catalonia is clearly capable of.

Scott Hadley

wide knowledge of Basque culture, at first glance this probably wouldn’t have been the book I’d rush out to buy and read.

However the stories, written by a selection of Basque authors, are refreshingly different, not just on subject matter but from perspective.

The authors deal a crunching blow to shatter any idealised images “ “

The authors all share a sense of pride in their homeland, the Basque Country. Actually it is neither a country nor a state, neither France nor Spain, neither here nor there, and Basque becomes a kind of abstract concept. But the stories give it the

voice it deserves; it puts the place on the map and make the book well worth reading.

Unsurprisingly, the stories in this anthology deal with mixed issues; as the reader you are never quite sure where each tale is going. Just when you feel comfortable, the authors have the ability to deal a crunching blow to shatter any idealised images you may have constructed. But it is this that makes the anthology effective.

The Mattress is a powerful tale of poverty and insecurity in Basque territory. Another story that stands out is Teresa, poverina mia, a kind of concrete fairytale that is eerie in places. However, even though it is evident that life the Basque Country is probably much further removed from our society culturally than is it geographically, the same basic themes and issues persist: love, spirituality, poverty, and terrorism. It's not such a strange language after all.

Jenny Sleeman

Who Goes There

Nick Griffiths

Legend Press

Following on from his recent memoir Dalek I Loved You, this book chronicles the wanderings of Nick Griffiths as he travels around the country in search of Doctor Who filming locations. He visits quarries and sandpits, a Welsh cemetery, quaint English villages… oh, and the Ealing branch of Marks & Spencer.

As the book progresses, Griffiths rather considerately uploads location pictures to his website so that the reader can track his progress and see exactly what he sees. If the reader can be bothered, that is.

Herein lies the problem: the locations are seldom interesting, even for the Doctor Who completists at who this must surely be aimed. Even in the older series many of the most iconic scenes were filmed in the BBC studios, which were presumably off-bounds. All too often, he visits a location only to find it has changed to the extent that it is no longer recognisable as what it once was.

However, not all the journey is wasted. When Griffiths does metaphorically strike home he does it with aplomb, finding the Dalek planet Skaro, as well as standing in the very places where the likes of Tom Baker, Jon Pertwee and David Tennant have once stood. For Griffiths this makes up for the other less successful visits.

The well-paced dialogue and an irreverent humour fully match the absurdity of his quest. and is difficult not to feel anything but sympathy on his almost thankless journey. But it probably goes without thoughthat this is aimed primarily at the Doctor’s most devoted fans.

Steve Wright

The Other

David Guterson Bloomsbury

The Other by David Guterson is a book that starts with the conclusion and tells the story of the journey, through its many pitfalls and changes of direction. We follow the lives and unlikely friendship of John William “the hermit of the Hoh” and English lecturer and aspiring novelist Neil Countryman. Saying much more would spoil it, but to say the least they are explorers of the unchartered wilderness with the bare minimum of equipment and with no mapping at all.

the plot flows like memories from the back corner of the mind “ “

As it winds along going nowhere fast, its descriptions bring to mind the tales told to me by my family of travelling and working in America in the 1970s, and the book follows so many of these minor legendary tales from my family to such an extent that I wonder when the author got together with them. In other words, the rendering of the era is done so well that I recall half-forgotten stories told to me long ago from my memory.

The story itself is superbly written and the plot flows like memories from the back corner of the mind, or like a diary of events months after their conclusion. This intuitive arrangement of the events doesn’t flow from a to b, but explores the side stories (where applicable) as it goes along. It is a book to be savoured, not read in a rush.

Graham Richmond

The

Birds, the bees and Other Secrets

Frances Garrood Pan Macmillan

Iknow we’re not supposed to judge books by their covers, but I am terribly guilty of doing just that. So as a self-confessed sucker for a book with a pretty cover and interesting font, I had high expectations for The Birds, The Bees and Other Secrets and was prepared for a quaint girly story with an impossibly perfect ending.

But when the opening page of a book introduces a character who is frail and dying of cancer, you have to doubt that any form of happily ever after will follow.

Frances Garrood introduces readers to Cassandra who, while sat at her Mother’s bedside waiting for her to die, reflects back on her childhood and adult life and the part her mother has played in it. There is a great deal of misery throughout the narrative, but it is described in a very matter-of-fact, almost humorous manner.

Much emphasis is placed on the eccentricity of the household in which Cassandra was brought up. Waifs and distant family members join Cassandra, her brother and their liberal, fairly aloof mother in coming to terms with everything from sexual abuse to bereavement.

But while The Birds, The Bees and Other Secrets does contain its fair share of gloom and misfortune, there is a definite theme of courage and resilience throughout as the family help each other through their ordeals.

Overall, the book is heartwarming, and the tragic ending is softened by the fact that we have been warned of what to expect from page one. A simple read with serious themes dealt with in an almost polite, safe way, it’ll probably leave you glad your mother isn’t quite so weird.

Joy Harding

Shock
Horror

Dave Sadd explores the

five finest

bladder-loosening games.

Games have the ability to shock and terrify us in far more immersive ways than many other media formats. Here are the best of the bunch...

5: Manhunt

Strictly speaking, Manhunt is more of a stealth-em-up than anything else, but it is bloody scary. Playing as a convict who wakes up to find himself as the star in a snuff film provides a suitably creepy premise. There's little more nerve-wracking than sneaking up behind a goon with just a plastic bag. Oh, apart from being chased by a naked murderer. In a pig mask. With a chainsaw.

4: Eternal Darkness

This overlooked Gamecube game is a total gem. The story is forgettable. Something about gods, magic, runes - all very Aleister Crowley. What makes the game brilliant is its 'Sanity Meter'. This decreases if your character sees weird 'things'. Nothing big there. However, this creates one of the greatest gimmicks known to gamer-kind. Flies appear on the screen. The controller delib-

erately doesn't respond. Your character's head falls off! All disturbing. All awesome.

You'll never forget the first time you fight that mutated monster in the dungeon “ “

3: Project Zero

No-one does horror quite like the Japanese, and Project Zero proves it. Firstly, there are ghosts - scarier than you'd think. Especially the one who's had her eyes gouged out. Secondly, you play a psychic girl trying to save her brother, and your only weapon is a camera. A goddamn camera!

2: Resident Evil 4

RE4 is the biggest, baddest member of the horror franchise that everybody loves. Playing as big 'ol goody two shoes Leon, the game disposes of the stale zombies of previous games and moves onto mind-controlling parasites! Whilst certainly the best in the series, with special regards to graphics and audio quality, the action-driven gameplay makes the story line suffer a little.Saying that, I don't think you'll ever forget the first time you fight that blind, mutated monster in the dungeon. Eesh.

1: Silent Hill 2

The Silent Hill series is the real daddy when it comes to delivering scares, and Silent Hill 2 is the most pant-filling iteration. There's nothing like walking through the fog-ridden streets of Silent Hill with a plank of wood to find genuinely disgusting creatures. 'Tortured' is just one adjective I could use. With a truly compelling story that reveals a disturbed human psyche, it adds up to a classic game. Plus, one of the endings has a UFO, and who doesn't love aliens?

Mad world Wii

This noir gem promises to break the image of the Wii as a 'kids' console.

Resident Evil 5

PS3, Xbox 360

Following in 4's footsteps and success, Resi 5 will grace our screens early 2009.

Mirror’s edge is one of those games that the creative monkeys at EA got a ton of bananas, cigars and days without abuse in thanks for the generation of something very unique and innovative.

Lets face it, since George A Romero’s seminal Night of the Dead, we all have a zombie plan. A plan that will keep you alive in the inevitable zombie apocalypse to come: mine involves guns, Tesco's and a wise-cracking comic foil who I can sacrifice at the first sign of danger. Clearly Valve had the same idea, as Left 4 Dead is the ultimate in zombie plan execution.

Forget the resident evil shambling

The game simply involves controlling the protagonist Faith in a first person view, choosing how to navigate obstacles as you jump around the city delivering messages or avoiding capture by the boys in blue.

The real trick is more about analysing your opportunities in order to get from A to B as quickly as possible, utilising quick button mastery as you saunter and tightrope around the beautifully crisp and bright metropolis.

At early stages your ‘runner's vision’ helps you out. When used, you're literally ‘seeing red’, highlighting the various pieces of the environment Faith can use to aid in her progression across the level, however after an hour I felt pretty proficient –and cool- enough to deal without it.

The game has a variety of modes, and a lot of replay value for someone as picky as me who just loves to find the quickest way across the level every time. It’s just very

corpses and think more 28 Days Later meets Serious Sam: fastpaced action that grips you by the throat and puts a loaded shotgun in your hand. Going into Left 4 Dead I was expecting a reworking of the terrible Resident Evil outbreak online theme, but what I got were legions of screaming zombies under the

enjoyable to string together a smooth run, and you certainly feel rewarded when you maintain your momentum and tie together all those combos for a quicker time.

Living in a metropolis where freerunners bounce from rooftop to rooftop, glide up and down drainpipes, and smash through glass ceilings has always been a dream of mine, and having someone finally make a game devoted to this really did answer my every prayer. That’s the great thing about Mirror’s Edge. It's as new as the bruise on my shin from my failed attempt at real life free-running.

Even if this isn’t the sort of game you’d usually be interested in, it wouldn’t hurt to get it - maybe when it drops in price a little. Go on. Have a little Faith; pun intended, but immediately regretted. I deserve to slip in the puddle of my blood that has collected on the stairs.

Craig McDowall

linear level looks good on paper, but the key concept behind online games is the ability to play through the same level over and over again without the ‘watching paint dry’ tedium setting in. And this is where I think Left 4 Dead could disappoint.

The 'versus mode' function adds a new dimension to the gameplay, but it’s limited to 2 of the 4 campaigns and there's only a certain number of times that you can take on a level before it ceases to be scary or challenging and simply becomes dull.

influence of a sadistic director.

This is not survival horror in the original low-ammunition suggestiveherb-mixing sense, this is claustrophobic environments and a genuinely impressive intelligence engine which tests the bounds of teamwork and gameplay.

But perhaps Left 4 Dead’s greatest strength is also its greatest weakness. The idea of having 4 team mates and taking on a large

This has yet to happen to me, though, and I’m not sure it ever will. The fun of blowing limbs off adversaries as they swarm en masse towards you should be criminal. In fact, in real life I’m fairly sure it is. And minor gripes about longevity are quickly put aside when you finally get a team together which communicates and works together well, although as most online gamers will testify, there are enough assholes on the internet to ruin a good game.

Left 4 Dead is most definitely worth picking up, although the first few times through it may be worth wearing some kind of adult nappy.

Tom Baker

At the culmination of a long, bloody war, you fight through hordes of enemies, in the air, on the water, and in the bowels of the earth. You spray, snipe and shotgun your enemies, pausing occasionally to throw a grenade, chainsaw one in half, or crush a fallen foe’s head under your boot. You commandeer tanks, cars, aliens that fly and aliens that shake the earth, defending your brothers in arms and your whole lifestyle from destruction, fighting in the dark and in the light, striving to bring salvation and rescue to a race beleaguered at every turn, backs against the wall, throwing one last dice in a desperate attempt to survive.

Gears Of War 2 is made by Epic Games. A fitting name, as if there’s one word that can describe GOW2, it’s 'epic'. The original Gears Of War was a superb shooter, the first game to really show off the Xbox’s graphical capabilities, and made with a high degree of professionalism. It had good scriptwriting, good level

design, lots of innovation, imagination and an easy-to-grasp gameplay mechanic. GOW2 continues all these excellent qualities and adds a few more into the bargain.

Let’s get all the wishy-washy stuff out of the way first: the storyline is excellent. It’s well-conceived, consistent and well acted. The superb graphics help hugely with this: being able to see genuine emotion on the characters’ faces produces genuine

too, with the cover system setting this game apart from most other shooters. Hide behind a barricade and blind-fire your chosen weapon over the top; toss a grenade then jump over and hose down anyone that’s still alive. Stick close to a wall and inch along it to the nearest door, pop your head out and put your weapon round the corner, popping heads before they have a chance to see you. It’s a great gameplay mechanic that despite the huge, tank-like warriors and the fantasy sci-fi setting, feels natural, easy and realistic. These features alone make it a fantastic game.

empathy and a connection with the characters.

Plot twists are revealed at appropriate points with characteristic humour. The cinematic cutscenes are also of a high quality, producing a real sense of scale with huge, smoking cityscapes, gigantic alien creatures and fleets of vehicles, making you really feel part of a huge struggle, aware that others are also fighting on your behalf. It’s an impressive achievement.

The controls are pretty intuitive

This may be controversial, but I make no apologies for this: the main attraction of Gears Of War is really that it is fantastically, thrillingly, brutally violent. It pulls no punches. As your injured enemy tries to crawl to safety behind cover where one of his comrades could heal him, you can finish him off with a “curb stomp”. And yes, the game is brilliantly written and the controls work superbly, but damn, chainsaws are fun. And it’s this that really gives GOW2 its unique selling point.

For Xbox 360 owners, this is an essential purpose. It’s a better game than Halo 3, for sure: better written, better looking, better weapons, better enemies, better controls. And damn, it’s a hell of a lot more fun. I’m off to attach a grenade to someone’s back.

Richard Wood

GOING OUT?

Alas, the term is coming to an end. With essay deadlines closing in and bank accounts cruising ever closer to the dreaded overdraft limit, opportunities for going out are starting to thin out around Cardiff.

If you're anything like us then you'll be wondering how on earth it has gone so quickly. Rather than attempt the rather futile task of figuring out where the time has gone, or how much money you have spent. Losing track of it, why not make the most out of your few remaining days in Cardiff before the holidays arrive.

On Thursday 11th December, Mr Scruff will be bringing his annual tour to Solus. For those yet to experience the wonders of Scruff,

LISTINGS

8/12/08 14/12/08

8/12

GIG - Romeo Must Die,

• Clwb Ifor Bach - £6/7

9/12

the night will be a five hour musical journey through dub, reggae, soul, jazz, funk, house, hip hop and of course Mr Scruff's very own unique brand of tunes. On top of this there will be, as ever, the infamous Scruff Tea Stall as well as projectors showing his rather unique brand of cartoon animation - always thoroughly enjoyable!

If you are in the market for something a little cheaper, on the same night, C-Y-N-T are teaming up with TRAFFIC (Cardiff's clubbing and DJing Society) and Cardiff Snowsports to host their end of year Xmas Party. Rising Swansea techno stars Hawt will be headlining room two, with resident DJ's playing house, electro and breaks

11/12

in the other rooms. This will also be the official pre-party for the '08 Snowsports trip to Val Thorens, so expect a good crowd.

As this issue only covers the last week of term we have scaled down the listings section in order to have space for reviews of what where easily two of the best nights that have happened in Cardiff this year, Stanton Warriors at Sub29 and Bedlam in the Great Hall. We hope you all have an excellent Christmas and New Year's Eve. We will see you in 2009 for some very special events indeed!

Much Love, The Going Out Team. x

• Ifor Bach - £5

GIG – Truckers of Husk, Clwb

Undertone 1st Birthday with

• Small Town DJ's, UndertoneFree/£4

13/12

Vinyl Vendettas (Indie/New

• Wave/Rock n Roll), Clwb Ifor Bach - £5

GIG - Sylosis, then Hammer-

• time! (Club night), Barfly - £6

Year of the Pug (Indie),

• Clwb Ifor Bach - £2/£3

Aesthetics (Hip hop),

• Buffalo Bar - £2/3

Collective (Hip hop),

• Glo Bar - £3/5

• step Special (2-step/Grime/ Garage), Undertone - £3

Mud presents Roots of Dub-

10/12

Listen Up! (Indie),

• Clwb Ifor Bach - £2/3

GIG – People In Planes,

• Clwb Ifor Bach - £6/7

• (Club Night), Barfly - £7

GIG – Pride Tiger, then Discord

GIG – Electric Six,

• Clwb Ifor Bach - SOLD OUT

C-Y-N-T in association

• with TRAFFIC and Cardiff

Snowsports present End of Year Xmas Party (House/ Electro/Techno), Clwb Ifor Bach - £3

GIG – Jam DRC, followed by

• Flyswatter (Club Night), Barfly - £9

Cool House presents High

• Contrast (House set), Glo Bar£3 before 11pm, £5 after GIG – Yr Ods, • Clwb Ifor Bach - £6

14/12

• gae/Dancehall), Glo Bar - £3

Uprising Soundsystem (Reg-

• Unreal Tour, Solus - £10/12

Mr Scruff presents the Keep It

We Love Sundaes! (House/

• Electro/ Party), Glo Bar - Free Loose and Businessmen

• Records Christmas Party, Clwb Ifor Bach - £5

Neuropol presents H.E.N.C.H.

• (Dubstep), Glo Bar - £3 before 11pm, more after SkinnyGene (Club Night),

• Barfly - £3/4

12/12

GIG – Chris Helme, then Ma-

• d4It! (Club Night), Barfly, - £6

Funeral For A Friend,

• Great Hall - £15

Stanton Warriors - Sub 29 -

Breakbeat is growing, and there’s no one who can deny it. House is being pushed aside by the rise of acts like the Stanton Warriors, and nobody seems to be complaining, least of all the crowd in Sub 29.

It may be a new club - well, an old venue being used a new as a clubbut it had the perfect combination of drink deals, a massive crowd and an unfamiliar locale to push even further the allure of the Stantons. Heady, dirty basslines, hiphop beats and the vocalists their mixes are renowned for were in the air the whole night, and the support had kept the audience warmed up for the main event pretty well.

Now an internationally loved DJ team, they are well used to playing some huge clubs. Being back in a smaller venue may have been a step

down in crowd size for them, but they still provided the quality that was expected. Music That Everyone Could Dance To proved that they really are the kings of providing mixes that don’t push any one off the floor. Mixing genres subtly, almost unnoticeably at times, a keen listener could see how widely versed these two Bristolians really are.

A keen finger on the pulse of the modern music scene helped their set retain an air that was unavoidably ‘cool’. Not just the mixes thoughmoments of their fresh new material were also thrust into a night that just kept on giving.

The floor was pumping to the beats and breaks of the music, and I found it difficult to turn around without bumping into someone I’d met before. It seemed the majority of Cardiff had turned up to be entertained, and they were not disappointed. The club was clean, the tunes were electric and the vibe was incredible. If you don’t know them, look them up, because the Stanton Warriors are well and truly on the march to musical victory.

Scott Hadley

OK. I’ll be honest. I could've tried to wing it, pull a few quotes off the Internet, muddle in a few clichés about the biggest, bassiest night of the year, and whack in a huge picture to make up the space.

The truth of it is that I arrived a bit late –midway through the Scratch Perverts set. I’m not exaggerating when I say that what I did see of them were some pretty big, bass-fuelled minutes, and Dynamite was on top form, but I arrived too late to catch even a sniff of Benga. Yeah, I cocked up.

So by the time Andy C came onstage, my mood was somewhat flustered. I wasn’t expecting great things (I’ve been beginning to think he’s losing his touch post-Nightlife 4), but actually it was a good (if slightly predictable) set, mixing the biggest tunes off the Nightlife albums with some more recent RAM releases from the likes of Chase and Status.

Sub Focus and Shy FX followed in much the same vein, which was a shame, as Andy had already played most of the guaranteed crowd-pleasers. Driving basslines were the order of the evening, which made for some hectic raving, even if the sets themselves were ultimately forgettable.

One of the highlights of the evening for me, perversely, was Rusko. Dubstep has really evolved recently, from sounds not dissimilar to those dreamed up in my GCSE composition class (cue synth sounds) to something far more sophisticated. This was evident from Rusko’s brand of deep, dirty dubstep, which should have struck fear into the hearts of die-hard drum and bass fans, but actually provided a welcome break from the general madness and gave us all space to chill for a bit – which, frankly, some people looked like they needed.

Despite missing most of two of the most highly-anticipated acts of the evening, I had a fantastic time; I was dancing constantly for the majority of the evening, which has to be a good sign. Essentially, Bedlam had all the elements of a first-class drum and bass night (including lighting so good even I noticed it), and I can’t fault the polished professionalism of the evening as a whole; but some drum and bass fans will be left wondering why the DJs appeared to have left their new records at home.

Kirstin Knight

bedlam

- great hall -

Andy C

inmusicthisweek

newsinbrief

X Factor is Full of BS

Britney Spears, that is! What a spectacle it was, the sight of Miss Spears stomping around in her pants with all the grace of a chubby rapist. Now I'm sure her new album is very passable and all that, but maybe she should lay off the public appearances (aswell as the pies) for a little while. Whether the performance itself or her cheshire cat grin during the proceeding interview was more cringeworthy I'm yet to decide, but both provide strong evidence that the so-called princess of pop is not of this world. Move over Britney - there's a new pop sensation in town and their name is JLS. Oh yeah baby, bring on the final.

A Special Reunion

Legendary Midlands Ska-Punk collective, The Specials have announced a(nother) reunion tour to perhaps celebrate the beginning of the new tax year. However, this is actually brilliant news as the whole line-up have reportedly signed on, so it's not another vanity project being dragged on the road to feed Neville Staples' weed habit. Clearly the band will not have the same fire and passion as they did when they formed in the midst of Thatchers' Britain, and I have a sneaking suspicion that the gigs will be populated by ageing skinhead Mojo readers, but this news leapfrogs even my cynical outlook. i am so excited I could just shit.

discoverlocal...

Here we have it: Cardiff’s very own super duper pop-punk group, hot off the NME press. Crimesss hope to impress the Clwb Ifor Bach regulars in their support slot for Anavan tonight. Comprising members of Picture Books in Winter, Los Campesinos! and Attack and Defend, much is expected from this local outfit despite their relative infancy. After warm up from Strange News From Another Star, Crimesss unrelentingly thrash their way

MP3 Wise Men

You know it's Christmas when a raft of acts start announcing the release of festive singles, EPs and albums. We're down with this, bringing you reviews of Glasvegas' festive offering and a future classic by The Hives and Cyndi Lauper. Even The Raveonettes are getting into the festive spirit with their Christmas EP, Wishing You A Rave Christmas. While The X Factor may have a monopoly on the Xmas number one spot, this hasn't stopped others trying to get in on the act. Allthough the prospect of Les Dennis and The Wombats soundtracking your Christmas day makes one want to cower in the corner with a bottle of Sherry.

Crimesss. Clwb Ifor Bach. 05/11/08

through 30 minutes of noise and instrumental changeovers, all having a go on a drum kit which threatens to fall apart midway through every song. The performance flashes by in a tide of two-minute energy packed snippets, crammed with racket and shouty lyrics. Which is to be expected when your cited influences are the likes of Minor Threat and Operation Ivy. The ramshackle style ads a raucous feel to the performance of juvenile post-hardcore tunes, which comes to an abrupt end when their finale ceases as

abruptly as their opening.

Main act Anavan, now very much part of the infamous Los Angeles Smell scene, succeed in riling up the crowd into a concoction of experimental electro pop hysteria. With bouncing off the walls to suit, they are an accomplished and entertaining act, unfortunately lacking their rumored inclusion of football helmets, underpants, and pole humping, though.

Tom Coyle

a bluffer’s guide to...

shoegaze

Tom Coyle delves into his record collection to immerse himself in feedback and rediscover the wonders of Shoegaze

Cropping up in foggy old London somewhere inbetween the 1980’s - 1990’s Shoegazing or Shoegaze started knocking about in various popular music magazines. The term was coined as a result of individual bands remaining static and fixing their eyes on either the floor or on their effects pedals for the duration of live

upon which the instruments became almost interchangeable.

The legendary John Peel was a staunch advocate of the Shoegaze movement and frequently invited bands of the genre to record a “Peel Session”. After ultimately being swept aside by a deluge of Britpop and American grunge bands, many pioneering bands of the genre disbanded. However their impact has been everlasting. Contemporary bands including Sigur Rós, Deerhunter and No Age citing Shoegaze as a major influence.

The Jesus & Mary Chain

Founded around the songwriting capabilities of two Scottish brothers, with a continuous flow of different individuals taking up bass and drumming duties. TJAMC exploded onto the scene in 1984 with debut single Upside Down. The song allowed the band to gain a reputation for uncompromising live shows, which could last a mere 10 minutes and where violence and rioting was com-

Culminating the infamous North London Polytechnic gig dubbed “TJAMC Riot” the publicity gained was like a record managers wet dream and the release of their debut album followed. Controversy was never far and the albums and touring continued until personalities clashed and the group officially split after the release of their sixth and final studio album. Despite limited chart success TJAMC paved the way for other bands to carry on the white noise

My Bloody Valentine

The Irish band based in London, lasted a mere two albums and a rafter of EPs…but what albums they were. MBV had limited success early on with many of their releases widely ignored, that was until their debut album Isn’t Anything redefined what it meant to use distortion and white noise within the realms of popular music.

The album, plus their reputation as an inspiring live act, much like The Velvet Underground and TJAMC before them, had a profound impact on other new bands, ultimately developing into the Shoegazing brand. A full two years later at the height of the genres popularity, MBV finally released their second and unfortunately last album Loveless; the release gained the reputation as a modern masterpiece.

M83

Formed in Antibes, France, M83 strongly associated their style of music to the attributes of Shoegaze. The duo that made up the band, subsequently parted company soon after their second album release, which ironically gained them international acclaim. Compromising a mixture of ambient pop, loud instruments broken up with softy-spoken vocals, Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts is M83’s most successful record to date. Since then three more studio albums have followed as the founding member Anthony Gonzalez continues to experiment with progressive textured sounds akin to earlier M83 tracks, including a number of well-received covers.

GUNS

N ROSES

Chinese Democracy Geffen

Had we all been born into a different decade we might have looked at Guns n' Roses in a completely different light. There was a time when Axl Rose was an icon who commanded respect, or as much respect as you can looking like a coked up Def Leppard groupie, but nonetheless the band were hairy, wonderfully overblown and possessed actual song writing craft. 20 years on from their raucous debut Appetite for Destruction, however, much has changed.

For a start the only remaining original member is Axl Rose, a man who has brought new meaning to the word procrastination with the tediously epic recording process of the near mythological Chinese Democracy. Since he began band members have come and gone, (actually, entire genres of music have come and gone) as the industry has changed dramatically. But after such a long time, was it worth the wait?

Well, even the most ardent of fans would agree that it underwhelms. After the endless discussion, leaked demo tracks, lawsuits and rescheduled release dates it would be

impossible for it not to, after all, it's just a rock record. Even the artwork seems to lack drama; a simple picture of an old rusty bicycle hardly provokes a great deal of excitement for an album that's been in production for near on 15 years. The music itself is underpinned by a strong sense of melody as ever, yet the arrangements are bloated beyond belief in a clutter of wild instrumentation and studio nonsense. Yet there's something about this behemoth of intricacy and over-production that possesses a certain charm.

“ “ Even the most ardent of fans would agree that it underwhelms

Take Madagascar for example, a track that begins with a simple yet striking introduction before somehow finding itself stuffed with various quotes from films and key sections from Martin Luther King's 'I Have A Dream' speech. None of this studio twaddle is particularly useful in furthering Axl's fairly rudimentary lyrical theme, yet it all contributes to a level of grandiosity that is strangely enthralling.

In fact, it's the basic rock tracks

from Chinese Democracy that let the album down. This is partly because they draw from genres of music that haven't existed for over a decade, but most of all because they just aren't very good. The likes of Shacklers Revenge and Rhiad and the Bedouins are marred by a prevailing macho bullshit that is both incongruous and completely inferior to the achingly fragile slower tracks.

The simple(ish) piano-led songs display new era Guns n' Roses at their best, putting the spotlight on Axl's vocals free of all the instrumental clutter. In fact, it is stunning just how magnificent they sound, as the haunting melody of This I Love cuts right through the track more effectively than any of the countless guitar solos featured throughout.

What Chinese Democracy ends up as then, is an extension of everything that was great about the Use Your Illusion opus, and a further distancing from the hard rock perfection of Appetite for Destruction. This certainly isn't the best Guns n' Roses album, but it's by no means the worst, or in any way a black mark on the bands legacy. What Axl and his gang of hired goons have created might not be the accomplished masterpiece the world demanded, but the deeply flawed Chinese Democracy basks in its own pomposity, and is all the more brilliant for it.

Kyle Ellison

FRANK TURNER

The First 3 Years Xtra

OSTEREOPHONICS

Decade In The Sun

Mile

ne man and his acoustic guitar; a lone figure of artistic integrity unflinching in the tempest of convention, a resonant voice probing the hearts of thousands, or if you’re Frank Turner, a frightful bore.

The problem with this collector’s back catalogue album is that for a non convert of Turnerism, most of it translates as an unconvincing testament to ‘nu-folk’, in which Frank has contorted all the mundane rituals of 21st Century rockstar-fantasist life (i.e. getting drunk, sleeping on sofas) into equally mundane acoustic splurges.

Sure, there are some edgy moments like the corrosive Thatcher Fucked The Kids and the classy Dancing Queen cover, but the overwhelming majority of songs lack definition and direction. The overwhelming majority of songs are underwhelming. At 23 tracks, even die-hard fans are liable to succumb to the album’s soporific effect. Turgid and dull, The First Three Years is as uninspiring as a Ruslters without the relish. Matt Wright

6

AV2

lthough it would be hard to imagine life without them, the Stereophonics have only been around for 10 years. To have so many hits in such a short space of time is a considerable achievement and something that is commemorated with Decade In The Sun.

All the mildly irritating pub favourites (Have A Nice Day, Handbags And Gladrags) are here, as well as ambient new single You’re My Star. A rather illogical track order means that the band’s considerable evolution is not immediately apparent; 2005’s Dakota opens whilst earlier classics such as A Thousand Trees appear to be strewn randomly across the compilation.

Nevertheless, Kelly ‘gravel for breakfast’ Jones’ undeniable songwriting talent is in full force here, whether it be the foot-stomping rock of Vegas Two Times or the brooding menace of Mr. Writer. Overall, this is an impressively strong showcase for one of Wales’ finest rock band Michael Brown

8

THE COMPUTERS

Can't Hide From The Computers Fierce Panda

This debut album from The Computers, has all the essentials for punk rock lovers. Clearly determined to make their mark, the Exeter based band combines punk rock spirit and rock and roll soul.

The four piece ‘hardcore’ punk band displays an excellent example of new, up and coming British music. With vocals reminiscent of Dennis Lexyzen, front man of Refused, the album kick starts with shrieking refrain, and shows the bands ability to take punk rock and use it to joyride over other genres. Think Black Flag covering Chuck Berry and you should be getting the picture. For any Punk rockers who are tired of the same old ‘emo’ sound, The Computers will come as a breath of fresh air.

One criticism is the short track list, with only seven songs, producing an eighteen-minute album. However, I must say that every minute is a brilliantly nerve shredding, punk rocking minute.

Chris Griffiths

albums albums albums albums

BRITNEY

SPEARS

It’s impossible to even know where to start when writing about Britney Spears. It’s easy to get distracted by talk of her very, very public meltdown and her disastrous fall from grace, with the media hurling her apparent demise into the great pop abyss.

With Circus, her sixth album in a near ten-year career, Spears marks her very publicised comeback in a blaze of kitsch, electro-tinged pop that balances all the sexual energy of In The Zone with the slick bubblegum-production of Blackout And perhaps quite shockingly, it really works. There are some terrific innuendos, particularly with the brash, tongue-in-cheek romps of If You Seek Amy and Mmm Papi, alongside some cataclysmic, sexier stompers such as Kill the Lights

THE GENTLE GOOD I Went Out Walking

Gwymon

Born and bred in Cardiff, Gareth Bonello has been involved in making music since 1987. So it shouldn’t be much of a surprise then that by 2007 he had already released two well-received EP’s under the stage name The Gentle Good.

Despite this fruitful history it’s still hard to fathom how much time, patience and love for folk music it must have taken to make such a beautiful debut record. Excellently supported by a rafter of delicate string instruments, TGG perfectly compliment what their name suggests. The bilingual Bonello sings warmly and tenderly throughout in both Welsh and English, combining a number of traditional Welsh folk songs with his original compositions.

GLASVEGAS A Snowflake Fell

Columbia

Christmas time eh? A time for fading soapstars and reality TV stars to release unholy hell on the record buying population with cock awful renderings of Xmas standards.

So not, as you may well imagine, the most fertile ground for beautifully melancholic ruminations on the nature of love and life. However, the nations favourite Scotch miserablists have certainly produced a perfectly judged stopgap between their first and second albums. Filled with bittersweet, almost lullaby-esque, enchanting songs with all the Christmas cheer of a Buckfast soaked Eastenders Omnibus.

The only low is the vomit-inducing My Baby in an album that screams a triumphant return to form. That is, if you can get past the whir of the auto-tuner and the now infamous stigma tainting Britney Spears’ name.

Francesca Jarvis

8

The Gentle Good succeeds in producing a debut reminiscent of Nick Drake, with ten absorbing acoustic masterpieces combined with lush melodies, perfectly reserved strings and vocals which hurl you into a world of tranquil limbo.

Circus Jive 7

Tom Coyle

There still remains a nod to Christmas traditions, with a suitably miserable Romanian rendition of Silent Night, to top off a truly magnificent album, which would seem to be equally as beautiful regardless of the season, an admirable trait in a Christmas themed offering

Ben Marshall

live live live live live live live

ALABAMA 3 Sub 29

1/12/08

end Dr. D. Wayne Love, who talks s a communist, a hedonist or a

personality in music today, Devlin

Alabama 3 out. Now. Huw Davies

CAGE THE ELEPHANT

Clwb Ifor Bach

19/11/08

Tonight, the elephant was unleashed upon a heaving Clwb Ifor Bach. The recipients of this stampede of sound, a crowd ranging from age 14 to pushing 40, responded dutifully by matching the energy created on stage, though somehow Matt Schulz, vocals, managed to sweat bucketloads more than the rest of Welsh Club put together. A warn-

ing to future CTE gig attendees: bring waterproofs if you plan to be in the front few rows. Tonight was a very intimate relationship between band and fans, with the occasional crowd surf, and no shortage of high-fives and hair ruffling by front row aficionados. CTE are a band impossible to have an aversion to when they play live. The sheer energy, passion and kick-ass attitude they uphold on stage is enough to make you want to grab the person next to you and thrash them about (in a good way); or at least do the whole point-andsing thing with them. Two singles to date, In One Ear and Ain’t No Rest

for the Wicked, went down a storm, as did all four new singles tested upon the Cardiff crowd. Soil to the Sun and James Brown were my personal favourites of the night, leaving their catchy choruses and RHCP/ Hives-esque hard funk-rap resonating through me for hours later, along with images of Matt swinging upside down from the ceiling of Welsh Club for his grand finale.

Mention must also go to support band Autovaughn, CTE’s partners in crime from Kentucky, who, if the music business does its job correctly, will be coming in your ears very soon...

Steve Beynon

live live live live live live live

showing, you sense that they are capable of so much more. Disappointing.

as they proceed to put in one of the most tired performances I’ve

sound knackered at the precise time in their careers where they should be

Steve Wright

TV ON THE RADIO

Shepherds Bush Empire

19/11/08

With their album Dear Science already cemented as the hipsters choice for record of the year, there's a lot of buzz around the Brooklyn outfit's sole London date. Outside the venue, desperate fans outnumber the touts three to one in trying to buy my ticket off me.

Live, the band are a slightly dif-

ferent entity to on record, and this is more out of necessity than anything else - trying to reproduce their back catalogue's rich production live would be an impossible task. Tonight their sound is rockier, rawer and rougher, and their set truly encompasses the band's discography, opening with the title track from their first EP, Young Liars

On stage the band's performing styles are contrasting, producer and lead guitarist Dave Sitek is stationed by an amp twiddling knobs and bashing his guitar creating reverb, the bearded Kyp Malone is still behind his mic, occasionally ambling

across the stage to join Sitek. Without lead vocalist Tunde Adebimpe it would be a fairly sombre show, he is a kinetic presence constantly hopping around the stage, making chopping actions with his left arm channelling the energy of the crowd into his soul, and then letting it out in raps, howls and harmonies.

Their whole set is truly engaging to the point where it seems almost rude to pick out a highlight, but a dreamy drawn out Dirty Little Whirlwind was mine.

Guy Ferneyhough

Listings

Monday 8th

Futureheads @ Sub 29 Romeo Must Die @ Clwb

Tuesday 9th

The Present @ Clwb Sylosis @ Barfly

Wednesday 10th

People In Planes @ Clwb

Municipal Waste @ The Croft, Bristol

Thursday 11th

Electric 6 @ Clwb Pride Tiger @ Barfly

Friday 12th

Truckers of Husk @ Clwb FFAF @ SU

The Hold Steady @ Anson Rooms

Saturday 13th

Vivian Girls + Lets Wrestle @ Clwb

Little Feat @ The Globe

Sunday 14th

Flamboyant Bella @ Thekla

Monday 15th

Rachel Unthank and the Winterset @ St David's Hall

Shaped by Fate @ Barfly

Tuesday 16th

The Damned @ The Point

The Pogues @ Bristol Academy

Herman Dune @ Thekla

Wednesday 17th

Kings of Leon + M83 @ CIA

Friday 19th

El Goodo @ Clwb

Jools Holland @ CIA

Saturday 20th

Attack ! Attack!@ Clwb

singlesoftheweek

/ music@gairrhydd.com

Moshi Moshi

9

Gothenburg's Pacific! have created a shimmering blend of dreamy Beach Boys harmonies, over the sound of an early Beatles classic gone electro pop. It's the perfect soundtrack to your summer, this winter! SB

Fratellis

7

A Heady Tale hits the nail on the head. Let's all jig along to rag time piano, a rock 'n' roll drive and some standard la-la-las. It's no Christmas number one, but there have been worse stocking fillers than this. SB

Portishead Magic Doors Island

7

A typically experimental cut, puzzled by the dead tone start. Delicate haunting vocals and piano chords are drowned in constant cowbell rattling throughout. It works well, although it's a bit Marmite. TC

Keane Perfect Symmetry Island

Tanlines

New Flowers Young Turks

5

7 8

The second single off the Brooklyn two-piece’s third album, ‘Shempi’ delivers a crescendo of electronica, guitar licks and a driving ‘shinobi’ synth hook that will deliciously engrain itself upon the mind . SN

4

King of cool Kennedy is famed for on-stage antics such as snorting off a trucker hat, perhaps an insight into this tune’s chaotic absurdity, which is complete with “Star Wars pyjamas” as lyrics. Overrated. SM

An intense, vividly psychedelic track whisked together by synth-loving Brooklyn duo Jesse Cohen and Eric Emm. It threatens to either irritate, or push you to euphoria with its merciless jungle beats. RL

The Hives & Cyndi Lauper A Christmas Duel Polydor

10

A Motown-esque stomper filled with sleighbells, call and response ex-lover vocals and a healthy dose of Christmas cynicism. A future Christmas classic, whatever that may be. BM Keane’s re-branding continues to pay dividends. Perfect Symmetry is a harmless, easily-digestible slice of melodic indie pop that goes easy on the ears. Well worth a listen. SW

film

LUNDGREN BECOMES EXPENDABLE

In recent years the Hollywood action hero has become a somewhat redundant character. Thank god for Sylvester Stallone. Like a glorious tough guy homecoming, The Expendables looks set to rekindle cinemas great romance with the all-American hero. So far Sly has assembled a cast which boasts the likes of Jet Li, Jason Statham and now old nemesis Dolph Lundgren. So that's an Italian, a China man, a Brit and a Swede. Maybe not quite as apple pie as first expected, but nonetheless salivating news for action flick fans. Filming is set to start in Costa Rica and Louisiana in February.

NEW INTERNET ONLY STAR TREK TRAILER ONLINE NOW

Last week the kind folks over at Paramount released a special internet only trailer for J.J. Abrams' highly anticipated Star Trek movie. With one of the most heavily guarded productions ever, extra care has been taken to ensure plot details are kept under wraps, but there are still plenty of surprise reveals here. Most notably Winona Ryder appearing briefly as Spock's estranged mother. Now before you get your Klingons in a twist, *GEEK ALERT* remember that Spock was only half Vulcan, which would explain Miss Ryder's noticeably un-pointy ears. Oh and Uhura gets her Tribbles out too. With a refreshing take on the classic show and a young cast to boot, Abrams looks set to bring Captain James Tiberius Kirk and co. to the next generation.

WHAM BAM THANK YOU DAMME

On an equally brilliant note, the far from expendable Jean Claude Van Damme will shortly be appearing in JCVD, where he will appear as none other than Jean Claude Van Damme, as the acronym savvy amongst you may have already assumed. When Brussels-based director Mabrouk El Mechri approached the martial arts maestro with the chance to play himself, he jumped at the chance. The premise places Van Damme in what may be his greatest film role to date, that of a faded action-movie star who walks in on the casting of his own biopic only to find that he isn't even being considered for a role. While celebrity biopics are all the rage these days, with even Britney Spears set to chronicle her life on the big screen, JCVD promises to be a refreshingly tongue-in-cheek tribute to one of Hollywood's more iconic action heroes and could prove more a re-

BUFFY SET FOR A RE-VAMP

Vampire movies will never go out of fashion. Like it or not, that's just the way it is. With the latest success of British fang-flick Twilight you can bet on seeing a resurgence of cheap Vamp-spired movies hitting our silvery screens in the next few years. Reports in an Australian newspaper, however, have suggested that writer Joss Whedon is considering resurrecting Buffy the Vampire Slayer (possibly the greatest television show ever made) to the big screen. Whedon is said to have a script based on the TV show ready to go into production, but has yet to take the project further. Whilst it is still far too early to speculate as to whether Sarah Michelle Gellar, who has become a bit of a horror star in her own right in recent years, will reprise her role as the stake wielding siren, we assume it is unlikely that Kristy Swanson, star of the 1992 film original, will feature. At this premature stage we may be just a green light away from one of

waltz with bashir

dir: ari folman

cast: ron ben-yishai, ronny dayag, ari folman out now, 90 mins

Synopsis: After a drink with an old friend Ari Folman, a veteran of the first Lebanese war, realises that he can't remember much about that part of his life. In striving to discover the truth about that time and about himself, Ari delves deeper and deeper into the mystery.

Waltz With Bashir starts with a man who is suffering from a self-imposed amnesia. Over the years our protagonist and director, Ari Folman, has lost most of his memories of the war he was in twenty-five years ago. The film charts his meetings with those he was with during the conflict, frequently flashing back in an attempt to fill in the blanks of his memory and overcome feelings of guilt he has relating to the Sabra and Chatilla

massacres, where Israeli troops allowed Lebanese Christian Phalangists into a Palestinian refugee camp to carry out numerous atrocities.

You may wonder why a film has been made about the guilt of the complicit rather than telling the story of the Palestinians who were slaughtered, and that's a valid question. Their plight is worthy of cinematic adaptation, but this was the only film Folman was ever going to make, and it’s difficult to criticise him when he’s put so much of his own life into it.

The documentary is almost entirely animated, and while the concept of an 'animated documentary' appears to be somewhat of a contradiction in terms, everything makes perfect sense after you've witnessed Folman's cinematic therapy session. The film dances between the present day and his hazy memories of the past. It would have been quite feasible to film the contemporary and only animate his recollections, but by animating it all he gains a coherency and an abstract quality that compliments the subject matter.

Some may find the idea of a

cartooned war documentary a little trivial, but it breathes new life into a genre that audiences have gradually become desensitised to. Seeing murder committed in this environment is a new experience, and it's made all the more traumatic by the knowledge you have that this actually happened.

The animation itself is truly stunning; dream-like recollection sequences are daubed in black and gold and possess a hallucinogenic quality. When combined with Max Richter's trippy soundtrack all element conspire to create a surreal and truly harrowing memory.

The end of the film brings with it the most polarising sequence: when the visuals change from animated graphics to actual TV news footage. This is somewhat of a cop out by Folman, an admission that the animation can’t convey the reality of the situation. But, at the same time it drives home the history of the events in a film where the audience can easily slip into thinking they are watching fiction.

Guy Ferneyhough

the secret life of bees

dir: gina prince-bythewood cast: jennifer hudson, queen latifah, dakota fanning out now, 110 mins

Synopsis: Set in the segregated Deep South during the 1960s, the film follows the parallel stories of Lilly (Fanning), a young girl traumatised by the death of her mother and Rosaleen (Hudson), a black woman fighting to ascertain her equality. The pair run away together and ends up living with a well off black family with a passion for bees.

The film itself is what's to be expected from its dubious title, and even more dubious cast. Dakota Fanning gives a stunning performance, but is sadly let down by her fellow cast members. Queen Latifah offers an average performance of, to be frank, an immensely irritating so-sweet-it-hurts character. But the real let down of the film was Jennifer Hudson’s wooden, disappointing role.

The film's only true strength lay in its subtle portrayal of racial discrimination in America at this time. The subject is well staged, and though littered with the stereotypes of drunk, violent farmers and religious, homely black women, the film does offer a convincing insight into the characters' plights.

But what really makes the film so exasperating is the reflection of Lilly’s ‘tragedy’ against these sobering racial themes. Yes, some sympathy is due, but Lilly’s character is selfish and arrogant, making her immensely difficult to warm to. You can’t help feeling that she should really be more supportive of her new ‘mother’s’ plight.

Overall, I both liked and hated the film. It was very moving, very frustrating, and definitely not for those who think that Queen Latifah cast as a bee keeper is a step too far.

Jennifer Cooper

changeling

dir: clint eastwood cast: angelina jolie, john malkovich, jeffrey donovan out now, 141 mins

Synopsis: Based on actual events that occurred in 1920s California, Changeling tells the story of a single mother who, in searching for her missing son, became a symbol of justice and change across America.

There is always a sense of conclusion these days when Clint Eastwood releases a film this close to Oscar season, and one can predict that this year will be no exception. In his latest offering, the 78 yearold director takes on his most controversial and difficult subject matter.

With meticulous attention to detail, Eastwood recreates 1920s Los Angeles with startling precision and affection, and although there are a few dashes of indulgent, over elaborate sets, the realism is nonetheless astounding. Set against a bleakly atmospheric hue, this is a portrait of a city immersed in a sea of corruption, deceit and

debauchery.

This is a uniquely American story, and in so much its consequences are somewhat difficult to relate to. It's a story which the history books may have all but forgotten but whose renaissance today is relevant as ever. The fear of losing a child is one which any parent can relate too, and this alone gives the film instant and universal poignancy.

Hollywood typically favours sentiment-engorged dramas, but what is both refreshing and remarkable about this film is the way it affects you. Anguish and grief are tantamount throughout, but are stirringly consoled by a moving central performance. In her most personal performance to date, Jolie brings tenderness to a role which is so well suited to her well-publicised maternal character.

Eastwood’s triumph is that he manages to make what is a distressing and emotional film without succumbing to cliché or excessive melodrama. The resolution is a bitter-sweet one, but ultimately you're left with a resounding sense of hope that only a director of Eastwood’s pedigree could deliver so compellingly.

Adam Woodward

sin original

the bad gone good girl jolie angelina

She is one half of one of the world's most famous couples, a Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations, a full-time mother of six and still manages to find time for a career as an Oscar-winning, internationally acclaimed actress. Angelina Jolie, no matter how you look at it, is one very talented lady.

Her latest role as Christine Collins in the Clint Eastwood directed drama Changeling was met, for the most part, with widespread critical acclaim. Jolie herself has noted that the struggles of playing Collins stemmed from her own personal experiences as a mother herself, and through losing her own

her work within the film industry itself, or her extraordinary humanitarian work for which she is now celebrated.

Within a tabloid, press-fuelled world, it can be difficult coming from the position of 'The Other Woman', a label she has been most associated with in recent years, or even as one of Hollywood's strangest and most unaccessible actresses, a taboo created during the rollercoaster of her early career. However, it is a transformation Jolie has appeared to successfully achieve, moving forward into the peak of her career with incredible grace and maturity.

Francesca Jarvis

Whether you’re fighting the English, a technologically superior alien invasion or an unjust court hearing, there’s nothing better than a good speech to get the audience going and make yourself look extremely cool in the process. Here, I take a look at the mightiest monologues in movie history…

MEL GIBSON - BRAVEHEART

If there’s one thing Mel hates more than the Jews it’s those pesky wifestealing, freedom-hating English. Here, all historical accuracy and objectivity is gloriously swept aside as Mighty Mel shows that, back in the days of Lethal Weapon, he was

elled (again), it is left to President Bill to inspire his troops, with the enemy here being all-conquering aliens instead of Hollywood's usual pebble-wielding Arab types. Despite the predictable Americans-save-theworld-yet-again scenario, this speech still makes

TREY PARKER - TEAM AMERICA

What do you do when faced in a debate by Alec Baldwin, 'the greatest actor in the world'? Reel out the most delightfully crude and outrageously inventive monologue in movie history, of course. The closing ‘dicks fuck pussies and speech is little more than utter comic genius. I’ve never heard a cinema audience gratuitously piss themselves with laughter as much as I did when I first saw this. If only ain had come out with something like this.

ROWE - GLADIATOR

Maximus Decimus eridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix egions, loyal servant to the true arcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.’’ say more? Joaquin Phoenix’s faux emperor ommodus practically soils himself at this speech, which combined with Crowe’s truly epic performance helped establish him as one s modern greats.

JACK NICHOLSON - A FEW

want the truth!’’ ‘‘You can’t handle razy Jack proves here that there is more to his repertoire than being crazy by delivering one of the most powerful pieces of dialogue in movie history. The sense of self-righteousness in doing whatever it takes to protect his country may seem morally skewered in a number of senses, but through Nicholson’s sheer unwavering conviction, it is impossible not to respect the guy. Plus Tom Cruise gets well and truly owned.

Words - Sam Haysom

over a period of three years, from 1955 to ‘58, Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara aided Fidel Castro in bringing revolution to Cuba, and in doing so, changed the political landscape of the America for the next half century.

Che: Part 1 chronicles Guevara’s involvement from his initial meetings with Castro in Mexico City, to his decisive victory in Santa Clara in ’58, inter-cutting his experiences at the United Nations in New York in ’62. As the driving force behind the project, Che: Part 1, sees Benicio Del Toro throwing himself into a movie like never before.

‘The process of playing Che was very different for me compared to other movies I have made’ says producer and star Del Toro. ‘In this case, as a real person, you start with the man himself and what he wrote. We did seven years of research into what other people wrote about him, but I always returned to what he had written himself.’

The meticulous research that Del Toro and co have put into Che is evident from the outset. With extensive interviews conducted with three men who fought beside Guevara in both Cuba and Bolivia, the cast were afforded an unprecedented insight into not only the man they chose to follow, but also the details and practicalities of fighting in the streets of Santa Clara and rainforests of Bolivia.

‘Interviewing Pombo, Urbano and Benigno infused the actors with a sense of reality that you can only get from someone who was there’ , explains producer Laura Bickford. ‘They were able to obtain very specific information from them. How they would they hold their guns in a certain situation, how they knew how to get from here to there, when they would deploy a leapfrog for-

mation rather than going through the bushes, stuff like that. It really energized the cast.’ ’

It is the energy of this film in fact, that makes it such a startling success. The energy and zeal of the production is impossible to avoid: indeed, it permeates the entire film from the frenetic hand-held documentary-style camerawork of the movie’s action scenes, to the fiercely committed performances of it’s cast.

Del Toro is magnificent as the iconic guerrilla. Delivering a masterful performance that crack-

Del Toro subtly forces you to invest and believe in the man almost entirely without dialogue “ “

les with intensity without ever spilling over into melodrama, he is utterly absorbing. Capturing Guevara’s fragility as well as his ferocity (he suffered debilitating asthma attacks throughout the Cuban campaign), Del Toro subtly forces you to invest and believe in the man almost entirely without dialogue. Demian Bichir’s eerily accurate portrayal of Fidel Castro must surely be an outside bet for a best supporting actor nomination come February, but it was Santiago Cabrera as Guevara’s friend and fellow Comandante Camilo Cienfuegos who stole my vote. His eyes twinkle with humour, compassion and intelligence under his

mammoth beard, lightening the mood and raising a laugh from his friend, reminding us that they were real people as well as revolutionaries.

Che: Part 1 is not an easy watch. At times the movie’s obstinate refusal to explain itself is both disorientating and frustrating. However, perverse as it may sound, this is precisely what makes the film such a rewarding experience. Simply put, Soderbergh treats his audience with respect. Somewhat radically, he assumes that the movie going public has intelligence and patience enough to piece together elements of the narrative themselves, to accept the contradictions inherent in Guevara’s ideology, to come to their own conclusions about what drove the enigmatic Argentine to armed combat. He steadfastly passes up opportunities to give the audience easy answers to complicated questions, compelling you to run out and read everything and anything you can on Guevara and the Cuban revolution just so that you can re-watch, reinterpret and re-live the two-and-a-bit hours of Che. Indeed, the film is so rich in detail, so expertly shot, you could probably watch it a dozen times and still find something to provoke the same reaction.

Che is a sprawling, uncompromising and intensely intelligent movie. It won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but it will leave those who are patient enough breathless, stunned and desperate for more.

Sim Eckstein

che: part 1 is out 2nd january, 126 mins

The ArgeNtiNe