Quench Issue 40 - 12 June 2006

THE GENIUS BEHIND PIXAR FILMS

And in the end...

Three years. You work so hard,you lose sleep,you lose grades,you teeter on mania. What’s it for? Well,this I suppose,the end. Working at gair rhydd has given me,and I imagine a fair few others,some of the happiest,and hardest working,times of my life.

And,as is customary with the year’s final QED, I better make bloody sure that I thank the people without whom this magazine would be nothing and I would be in an asylum somewhere.

First of all Tom,you’re the hardest-working man in showbusiness – and the most organised,long may you be so tidy. And patient.

Graeme, we’d be in a right ol’ mess if it wasn’t for your whizz-kid tech skills. Cheers buddy.

Elaine, you’re folking brilliant.

My own little E-Street Band – Geordie who just couldn’t stay away, Sam – cheers for telling me when I’m being thick and Cat for keeping me sane.

Gregory,you’ve taught me two things... 1) How to play squash. And 2) How to stick my tongue out like a true champ.

Mr Sam Curtis,you were a bloody good find. Keep up the good work buddy. Ditto Skins,a books editor of impeccable taste. Ryan,keep on dancing my northern soul brother.

Mr Chuffy,soon to be Dr Andrew Johnson... You. Are. A. Genius. Harold,I look forward to another year of beard. Holly,keep it filthy,the books will fly off the shelves.

Pav, the most hirsute man on the planet? Perhaps,but a bloody good photographer and housemate. Ditto Perou and Gasson. Except the hair. And the housemate bit.

TV Deskers present and past, don’t forget me. John,you’re the coolest man I know and Gareth,if you’re not a rock star please keep writing.

Clare, Charlotte, Xani, Amira, Kim,the two Becs, Amy, Turtle, Tom H (*stops for breath*), Helen T, Kerry-Lynne, Hannah, Helen R, Lisa, Sarah, Fenar, Dr Matt,everyone on gair rhydd and all the writers,proofreaders,photographers,fantastic people I’ve met over three amazing years. Thank you,I love you all. Lots.

Gary and Jim,thank you my journalistic pimps. Perri, Soph and the army of monkeys. Good luck guys,you won’t need it.

I’d also like to thank Bruce Springsteen and Gemma for making me smile.

…Will Dean has left the building.

Editor Will Dean

Monkey editors Perri Lewis,Sophie Robehmed

Executive editor Tom Wellingham, Creative editor Graeme Porteous

Assistant to the editors Elaine Morgan,Sub-editors Sam Coare,Chris White,Catherine Gee Arts Kim O’Connor,Rebecca Child Books James Skinner,Daisy Beare Columnists John Widdop Cult Classics Matt Turtle,Tom Brookes Debate Helen Rathbone Digital Sam Cur tis Fashion Charlotte Howells, Clare Hooker Features Tom Howard, Helen Thompson Film Catherine Gee, Ryan Owen,Si Truss,Ewen Hosie Food Sian Hughes Interviews Amira Hashish Mr Chuffy Andy Johnson Music Sam Coare,Greg Cochrane,Harry Shiel,Sofie Jenkinson OTP Geordie,Grace De V ille Photography LukePavey,Adam Gasson,James Perou Travel Bec Storey, Amy Harrison Contributors Richard Dryden,Joanna Spooner,Julie Jones,Anika McCrohan,Chris Rogers,Gemma Green, Tasha Prest-Smith,Rosie Powling,EJ

TEAMWORK: Or,a gratuitous last attempt to shoehorn a Springsteen picture into

Quench

All of the Guardian’s normal columnnists available on the internet,plus over 400 other commentators - all for free. The regular bloggers range from the leader of Hamas to writer and cheeky East End chappy Dave Hill, who has posted on varied topics including his prosate examination. The

site allows people to spar with the paper’s prestigious columnists directly for the first time,and tends to attract disproportionate number of Telegraph readers spoiling for a fight. Debate does get heated at times,but don’t call the bloggers a ‘fuckwit’; site editor Georgina Henry doesn’t like it.

eoo mit n s n m e sc

webwatchatquenchdotcom

Snap of the week

CELEBRITY,NOTION OF,THE

There’s something really awful about screaming teenagers and middle-aged people (women mostly, it has to be said) going gooey-eyed at the sight of whichever vacuous non-entity happens to be en vogue.

But then I caught myself doing much the same when I met Jon Snow,so what do I know? Does it make a difference that he’s there on merit and not because he’s fashionable? I think it does.

INDICATORS

What do you mean ‘of course I was going left’? Actually,given that it’s a crossroads,the fact that you didn’t indicate a direction suggested that you were going straight ahead. You can’t then blame me for stepping in front of you. Yeah,alright, you can,but you shouldn’t. Okay?

Symptom of the times,really - not indicating. Yet all the safe-driving adverts loudly proclaim that SPEED KILLS,KILL YOUR SPEED. What they should be doing is not discouraging people from driving quickly, but discouraging them from driving like complete morons.

CP SCOTT: Beard

It’s goodbye from him...

Forget the Summer Ball. Not because the lineup’s as inevitably crap as it is every year,but because the definitive event of the summer is surely the Cardiff leg of Take That’s reunion tour on June 21. Perhaps I’m showing my age, and it’s about time I left,but the opening to Never Forget must seem oddly apposite for final-year students: “We’ve come a long way,but we’re not quite sure where we’ve been.”

Not sure where they’re going, either,most of them – you can almost smell the fear. This is not just the AUT strikes leaving graduans uncertain as to whether they will actually graduate at all; it’s the same every year,the result of a simple fear of change of which we’re all guilty (myself included; the first time I quit this magazine I was back within two issues,and you can bet you’ll be

Chris White

It’s all change round here. Or is it?

seeing my ‘face’ again the first time essays/exams/drink mean that Grace can’t write).

In this,those students on the cusp of leaving are labouring under the misapprehension that their lives will be vastly different in a few months’ time,and

place. With the exception of one or two,contact with friends will become more infrequent: friendships that belong to here and now; under other circumstances,you might never have become friends with these people at all.

“

Graduation ceremonies are for parents to remember and an excuse for windbag Neil Kinnock to talk

other than giving parents something to remember and windbag Neil Kinnock an excuse to talk,the graduation ceremony is supposed to mark a major turning point. Nothing could be further from the truth.

In many ways,it’s not that different from coming to university in the first

One type of lifestyle is exchanged wholesale for another. In this case,the freedom of university for the regulation of work. And the money. While it’s true that you’ll never live as bohemian an existence as those halcyon Talybont days,you’ll never be as skint either. Now you’ll have money.

Did you think that these days would be the best of your life? That’s what people say, isn’t it. Well,they are: these days. As in, whichever ones you happen to be in at the moment. Each era of one’s life has its advantages: soon,just as you’re now swapping the freedom of childhood for the wealth of adulthood,soon will come the exchange of the exuberance of yoof for the wisdom of age. A fair trade,I’d say.

One thing: remember the sunscreen.

The changing of the OTP guard

...and hello from her

Snips and snails and puppy dogs’ tails

The other evening I spent an entertaining hour channel-hopping between Newsnight and watching some unfortunate wisp of a girl get her deformed jaw bashed in by some rather sadistic surgeons. Rather surprisingly, Newsnight was the more gruesome of the two programmes.

After witnessing some charming fellows suck the brains out of chargrilled monkey heads,it occurred to me that Columbians are somewhat more adventurous with their food than us Brits. Come to think of it,so is every other nation.

Even the most vile of British cuisine is cunningly fashioned into aesthetically pleasing shapes. Suet,fat and pig’s blood anyone? Some bright spark obviously cottoned on to the fact that this isn’t really the most appealing list of ingredients,shoved it all into a length of intestine and christened it Black Pudding. Same goes for sausages. I doubt some nine-year-old brat would be screaming out for Mummy to give him some fat,gristle and abattoir floor sweepings to accompany his chips would he? I don’t get Toad in the Hole either. It’s downright bizarre

that a bed of batter is required to cajole some of the less adventurous types into tucking into those batons of meaty goodness. You may or may not have guessed by now that I am a vegetarian, but I assure you that this is only down to the fact that I’m a fussy little bugger and not because I disapprove of carnivores in general. I’d gladly take a bite out of a shank of lamb to prove my point; or I’d at least think about it.

unpleasentries of real life. Is it any wonder that the western world is plagued by obesity when we’re stuffing all this unidentifiable crap down our traps?

Sausages are the gastronomic equivalent of floral toilet roll covers: another way of avoiding the unpleasantries of real life

“

My beef (if you’ll excuse the pun) with the British palette is not solely aimed at meat products; it’s just that these tend to be the most heavily pimped of all foodstuffs. Why can’t we face up to what we’re really eating? Sausages are the gastronomic equivalent of those ridiculous floral toilet roll covers: another way of avoiding the

Half the time we have no idea what the hell we’re eating. It may seem odd to see Columbians happily munching on a monkey’s tail,or the Chinese tucking into a bowl of steamed chicken’s feet and braised pig’s knuckles,but at least they know exactly what they’re letting themselves in for. There aren’t enough pages in this magazine or hours in the day for me to even begin to write about Haggis or Pork Stratchings, and besides,I’m hungry. Burger King

*Not actually her

IDon’t mock the curdled milk WARNING

Mr Chuffy Investigates...

The terrorable demise of Mr Chuffy

t had been a relatively uneventful stuffing,with only a brief methane flatus induced colon fire disrupting my thrusting. The specimen,a young male bereft of toes and shoulder,lay on the table in the climax of rigor mortis: wanton. His articulus mortis etched indelibly on his tongue and nasal cavity. While filling his urethra with formaldehyde,I glanced towards his furry ginger chest,carved unmistakeably in flesh and gangrene was the letter ‘W’. A sign.

Chuffy’s dental records indicated a recent trip to Neverland,with the rearmost molar unashamedly pointing towards a search for Abu Hamza,the radical one-armed beardy. While on a reconnaissance mission it was noted that Hooky crossed the road without first finding the safest place from which to cross. A speeding ticking crocodile narrowly missed Hamza,who then fled from a quickly advancing Peter Stringfellow.

As I removed his heavily decomposed eye socket in preparation for the obligatory glass eye,I noticed a return to Blighty partially stained upon his retina. A cavity search revealed that the investigative primate had returned with bottom thrush from that pesky fairy,although the seduction of Tinkerbell had failed to land Hamza. Back in Britain,Chuffy found himself in the middle of the current national irrigation crisis,with the Home Office unable to account for the number of illegal artificial water channels appearing within our land. In Oldham the militant wing of the B.A.P . (the British Arid Party) tried to burn some water perturbed through prolonged wrinkled fingers. Home Secretary John Reid, who is becoming increasingly moist within an illegal Whitehall canal,blames the previous administration,citing John Major’s fetish for live hydrogen on oxygen porn.

I caressed his long arms as I lowered him into the vat of Plaster of Paris (the orifices were left clear). Waiting for the corpse to harden,I visited Chuffy’s MySpace page. The occasional emo groomer had documented a recent roadside encounter with bestial Brother ferret fornicator and self-styled ‘Wally Golly’ Shabba. The reality TV star had cryptically instructed him to direct his search towards Scandinavia but had only revealed this information after dramatically standing on the pavement near the kerb and using his eyes and ears in order to look and listen for traffic.

Finland,Norway,Sweden,Denmark and the Faroe Islands are the latest countries to join the United States’ Axis of Evil operatives are believed to be operating

The masked members of Lordi placed a baby windmill hostage in a liquidiser

“

throughout the region,hiding in an intricate network of snow caves in Svalbard,northern Norway. Edamist extremists are crossing the North Sea from the Netherlands,angered with the defamation of cheese by clogs and windmills,to join their Nordic brothers in arms. A recent Alq-ikea video broadcast on Hurdy Gurdy TV featured the masked members of Finnish melodic hard-rock band Lordi placing a baby windmill hostage in a liquidiser. The Eurovision winners proclaimed the glory of Edam whilst the soft timber of the flour maker was smashed to splinters under

displayed the monster-dressed rock outfit crossing the road to worship at a cheese shop. Before crossing,the Finnish Darkness waited until the road was safe and clear, pausing to allow a Fiat Panda to pass by.

Mr Chuffy,an amateur Symbologist,had recognised how each piece within this terror jigsaw had been intrinsically linked through the Green Cross Code. The code was an ancient form of communication used by the 1600s finger painter Reykjavik Scrote. Scrote was a renaissance Edamist who would only perform his craft with faeces and brie. In search of further clues,the long-armed ape referred to his copy of the road crossing guide,noting the author of this ancient text as Roger N. Warty. What would Tom Hanks do? As Chuffy desperately tried to decipher the code,the letters magically rearranged themselves into the name ‘Terry Wogan’.

The clues finally made sense. These Terryists had been operating throughout Northern Europe with the conviction that Wogan was a radio presenter and not a television personality. Wogan had supported the Edamists,purportedly describing cheese as “accommodating yet wily”. Other,less prominent Edamist prophets include Steve Wright and Dr Fox.

The defleshing process was a messy one,but inspection of the liver revealed the unambiguous signs of an organ that had been to Finland. Chuffy travelled there in search of Wogan and the epicentre of Terryism. The region had been volatile following the Danish publication of a satirical cartoon featuring Wogan feeding his pet toupee. Many Edamists felt that such mindless facetiousness could only be remedied with sticks and grimaces. Milk curd riots followed. Chuffy finally tracked down the Limerick-born disc jockey in a Helsinki cheese church. Following a failed bribery attempt involving stilton,a chase ensued. Chuffy pursued Wogan across a road without stopping to look and listen. A reindeer lorry splattered Chuffy under its articulated wheels. Toes and shoulder spattered dead. Failure to follow the Green Cross Code had resulted in deadedness,and Wogan had escaped back into his icy underground organisation of terror.

Terryism may have prevailed with Chuffy joining that great tree nest in the sky,but I have gained a new special friend. The orifices are just about dry now…

THE END.

LORDI: Captain Kirk’s old foes are the new ‘face’ of Terryism

The Zutons are making saxophones sexy and indie-pop look easy. Richard Dryden meets the scouse songsmiths

As laid-back as they come and armed with a distinctive sound that critics have said ‘can’t be labelled’,the Zutons have a creative dynamic that is free from any generic boundaries. “That’s one of the things about our band. We’re up for any kinda music really. You’ve jus’ gotta try and carve your own thing out and stick to your own ideas and that; be unique I guess,” explains lead singer Dan McCabe,in his unmistakable Scouse accent.

The band’s easy-going attitude has clearly contributed to their success. The Zutons formed in 2002 but only really made an impact two years later. Since signing to the same label as fellow Liverpool group,The Coral,there has been no turning back.

McCabe’s band has a quirky lineup consisting of striking saxophonist Abi Harding,Boyan Chowdhury on guitar,Russell Pritchard on bass and Sean Payne on drums. The story of how the Zutons formed is rather a familiar one. “We were all in bands beforehand and then the bands we were in kinda split up. We were leftover musicians really,so we just formed this band. Abi joined a few months later. She was like a friend of ours working in a coffee shop in Liverpool and said she could play saxophone.” It was then a matter of naming the band. “We all came up with about five bad ones but then Dave came up with the Zutons. We all thought it sounded great so we went for it. It’s really hard to find a name for a band that everyone likes though.”

The eclectic debut album Who Killed The Zutons? originally saw them pitch their lot in

2004. It received rave reviews and charted huge success with Pressure Point and was even nominated for the Mercury Music Prize. They have since released their second album, Tired Of Hanging Around

The Liverpool quintet were keen to stress how the new record is a step forward for them. “We tried to get the way we sounded live across. How Does It Feel? is a good example of how we’ve moved on and it is in the vein of Creeping And Crawling which was out before the album.” The band have worked closely with infamous producer Steven Street who has aided the success of the Smiths and Blur. “As far as producers go,we wanted to go for Steven ‘cos he’s got a lively sound and we knew he’d get the job done,” enthuses Dan. Their growing success has subsequently allowed them to compliment their innovative music with videos such as the experimental one for Why Won’t You Give Me Your Love? In the words of the band,it is a “Thriller meets West Side Story kinda thing.” There was much preparation involved. “We went to Cuba to learn some dance moves and that,” McCabe informs us. He also admits,“we don’t really enjoy making the videos”. Indeed,this is a band that is well-known for being camera-shy. One of their early photoshoots saw them made up as zombies instead of posing for the typical band shot.

“Photoshoots and videos aren’t things we’re big fans of,” confirms McCabe. “We’d much rather be playing a gig”. Indeed their live performances have been consistently praised. The positive reaction to their latest tour

encouraged the band’s enthusiasm for the stage. “It’s really good when you are on stage and you see a bunch of people just enjoyin’ themselves.” Playing America’s new music festival,SXSW,was a highlight for the group. They regarded it as a “big drink up event with lots of good music in the street.” Despite finding it difficult to get served as they constantly forgot their ID passes. “We like the US a lot and we’re lookin’ forward to gettin’ back over there. It’s a big place; it’s alright but too many burgers. Once we even got stuck on the bus in the snow in Milwaukee; in fact that’s where we got Secrets for the new album.”

“I’m doing a song with Static and Pete Doherty”

Edward on his latest collaborations

“

The Great Hall recently acknowledged their presence with a massive roar and gave an infectious karaoke response all night long to their saxophone-toting rock on May 21. Their sold-out gig in the Union shook the floor as songs from both albums were blasted out, proving that Zuton Fever was well and truly in Cardiff. In terms of future plans they had little to say yet. “At the moment hopefully people will just like the album and that we can tour a few times,and also get our music across to as many people as possible.”

INSET: The Zutons take Cardiff’s Great Hall

PHOTO: James Perou

Richard’s E.volu

Interviews meet Richard E Grant at the Hay Festival to discuss his directorial debut,and the story behind, Wah-Wah as well as what the future has in store for the on,and now off,screen success story

Richard E. Grant is one of Britain’s most accomplished actors. His film roles range from Withnail & I to Hudson Hawk,in which he starred alongside Bruce Willis. Now he has made his own directorial debut with Wah-Wah,a semiautobiographical tale based upon his formative years in 1960s and ‘70s Swaziland at the end of colonial rule.

Ralph Compton (Nicholas Hoult) not only has to cope with these momentous events but the changes in his family life as his mother (Miranda Richardson) begins a passionate affair that spells the end of her marriage to Harry Compton (Gabriel Byrne). Harry takes the news badly and hits the bottle. Against this tumultuous backdrop Ralph grows up,experiences first love and comes to understand a little more about the world around him.

We are first introduced to Grant in the pre-

film also recounts happier memories for the director. “The writing of it was joyful at times. It was wonderful to revisit all the malarkey that went on in Camelot,” a play that Grant and his friends performed in honour of Princess Margaret’s arrival to Swaziland.

In his typically frank fashion,Grant often refers to his childhood as “bizarre.” This seems to be an understatement. Even the sombre occasion of his father’s funeral has a sense of the extraordinary. “In reality,a young Swazi priest had just come back from an evangelical course in the States,” he explains. “He jumped into my father’s grave, opened the lid up and tried to raise him from the dead. He had to be consoled and dragged out of the grave. It would have amused my father enormously. I just wish he had been there to see it.”

Such unusual experiences would intrigue an audience and Grant’s belief in this

“Writing and directing this film has been the highlight of my career. It has taken the most amount of energy and has been the most creatively challenging and fulfilling”

“

GRANT: The thinking man’s thinker

encouraged him to make the film. “There was this constant matter throughout my childhood that somebody should write about the people and what was happening in Swaziland because no body would believe it. That was always at the back of my mind.” Scriptwriters added to his enthusiasm.

“Bruce Robinson’s Withnail & I also inspired me. It is completely autobiographical and taught from the point of view of one character. Bruce gave me some very good advice: to ask what has happened today that has never happened before. I knew instantly WahWah had to start with my mother’s adultery.”

Grant’s relationship with his mother is,in his own words,‘strange’. “I had never had an explanation since she left me at six in the morning when I was a child. She said I didn’t need to go to school and that she wasn’t coming back.” Due to Wah Wah,however,the pair are building new bridges. “In writing the film I wrote to my mother to try and get her view of what had gone on at the time. Her normal letters were,‘Dear Richard,the dog has to have his leg operated on. Lots of love,mum.’ She didn’t want to discuss anything in depth. Then,I suddenly got this 18page letter in which I heard the voice of a young colonial wife recounting what it was like to live in the strict order of the late 1950s,early 1960s,Swaziland. It brought about a rapprochement because I then went to her and explained what happened to me. She said three magic words to me,“please forgive me”,which were extraordinarily powerful. The film doesn’t include the rapprochement but I have included a note that she gives me at the end which says,‘As you sew, so shall you reap.’ This was something she always used to say instead of dealing with what questions I had as a teenager. She knows about the film and I have sent her a copy of it. I am so grateful and so is she for the reconciliation it has brought about. So hopefully she will be able to get through seeing it.”

Grant has learnt to appreciate the difficulties his mother had in living in Swaziland.

“The actors really understood my history”

“

Even as a child,he was aware of the hypocrisy that surrounded him. “Swaziland was completely sheltered,” he admits. “Everyone was swinging but you couldn’t get divorced. That was the big social stigma. People in Swaziland say that the film portrays the hypocrisy exactly as they remember.”

This is not to say that he does not care deeply about his former home. He is keen to help solve the problems that the Swazi people face. “Swaziland has the highest rate of HIV/Aids in the world,58 per cent,” he informs us. “It is very hard to warn people not to sleep with many partners or have many wives because it is the culture. The money from the London and the South African premiere will go to Aids hospices.”

Being in the position to raise awareness of the Swaziland situation is of great importance to the actor. However,the process of making people aware of his film was not easy. “Getting people to believe that I could write a script and finding actors to come and do it was very challenging. Some people liked the script but because of no track record did not believe I could direct it. Seven birthdays later it is finally coming out. It has been a long haul,” he confesses.

There were also differences in opinion during production. “Pierre Kubel wanted it to be very bleached out and choppy. He thought my style was quite-old fashioned. I explained that I wanted to deal with the characters’ emotions so having to chop around it might

spoil it. He reluctantly agreed. I ended up doing story boards and cartoons so everyone knew exactly what I wanted. As good as his English was and as bad as my French was I made sure there was no-misunderstanding.”

Being on the other side of the lens also enhanced Grant’s respect for actors. “When you are on the other side you see the emotional risks that they take. Gabriel Byrne was playing someone who on paper he found very unsympathetic. The fact that he has brought all his charm and wit and generosity to the good side of my father and without reservation explored the darker side of him is wonderful. Similarly,the way Miranda Richardson played my mother with such Bett Davies like ferocity and no sentimentality astonished me. The actors made me feel they really understood my history.”

It is no wonder that Grant is so proud of his latest project. “Writing and directing this film has been the highlight of my career so far. It has taken the most amount of energy and has been the most creatively challenging and fulfilling.” Unsurprisingly,there are more directing plans in the pipeline. “I am writing another film but it is completely different. It is a comedy. It will probably take five years. I am only a third of the way through at the moment.” However,we have not seen the end of Grant’s performances on the big screen. “I’m glad I have my acting day job because it takes so long to get a film financed,” he laughs.

Before it is time to depart,Grant has some advice for budding directors,“Never take no for an answer. Read my film diaries to know exactly what my experience was.”

The multi-talented actor,director and writer smiles confidently and shakes hands before heading to his book signing.

Wah-Wah and The Film Diaries of Richard E Grant are out now

GRANT: “It was this big”

MOR bang for your

Amira Hashish

The Feeling consists of five men in their 20s who have no shame in calling themselves pop musicians. Hailing from London and Sussex,they are well-spoken performers with a relaxed and witty attitude to life. Their single, Fill My Little World,was brought to our attention by Radio 1 when DJ Jo Whiley had nothing but praise for the band. Previous single Sewn was also a top-ten hit and was released during their nationwide tour.

We wait for the five-piece in Cardiff’s Barfly with an abundance of snacks,instruments and umbrellas surrounding us. The Feeling are chatting to a local radio station about the Cardiff leg of the tour. Judging by the amount of laughter,it seems that this is a band that does not take itself too seriously.

This is not to say they cannot be taken seriously. There is something charismatic about each member that makes them intriguing to listen to. Each one is immaculately dressed and noticeably comfortable with their image. When lead singer Dan GillespieSells approaches,it would appear that he is completely at ease with the press. He apologises on behalf of bass player,Richard Bass, who is apparently “always on the phone”.

One hand in his pocket,he leads the way to the dressing room and politely holds the door open. There we are introduced to band members Kevin and Ciaran Jeremiah,and Paul Stewart. Bass rushes in shortly afterwards,apologising again. After some banter, they all take a seat. It is evident that they feel at home in each other’s company.

“Ciaran,Kevin and Paul have known each other since childhood. Dan and me met ten years ago doing our A-Levels at college and the other three came to the same college a year later,” explains Bass. “We have been friends for a very long time. All our other college mates seem to be getting very friendly again now though,” he laughs. Bass describes the success of the band as “a childhood dream”. Although the group are also keen to stress that they did not have fairytale overnight success: “We worked hard for about ten years. A lot of people liked the music but couldn’t figure out what we were about.”

The Feeling even dabbled in work as a covers band. “This line up was first formed in the Alps,playing covers,” Sells informs us. “That came about pretty much by accident. We had all written,done our own projects and been creative musicians as well. We needed to make some money though. We saw an advert in the paper and thought we had to pay the rent. We didn’t know how valuable the experience would be until we went. The ad was in the NME.”

At this point,Stewart expresses his enthusiasm for the experience. “Around September/October time every year you probably see the same advert. They always need bands to do it. It is a really great thing for musicians who are starting out playing

together to do. You do a hundred gigs together and become great friends.”

Sells considers the alternatives: “It’s either that,or play empty rooms up and down England in the rain for a couple of months. We did a similar thing but in the Alps!”

The musician’s gestures become increasingly expressive as he reveals his frustration with the negative connotations of playing covers.

“

The people I know who are most rock and roll are those city boys who work in the bank week in week out… What’s left for musicians? We’re just boring

“It’s a different effect because playing your own music is such an insular thing,but playing classic rock/pop songs and learning how they work just informs you more about pop music. People see covers bands as hugely uncool. But consider the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. That’s what they did. You used to have to start off with covers.” He has clearly thought about his side of the debate and is surprisingly persuasive.

Sells is also responsible for the lack of covers that the band now perform. “We got back together again in the UK because of the songs Dan had been writing,” explains Bass. “We went to Ciaran and Kevin’s parents’ shed and recorded the stuff. It was immediately really exciting. We knew we were on to something. We just had the CD,took it around and handed it out to people. It took another two years but eventually we got

buck

gets her world filled up by the Feeling

heard.”

So we have established how the group formed,but what is more ambiguous is the reason behind the name. Bass tells the story. “We were looking for a name. Maybe something a bit weird and wonderful like The Animal Witchcraft. We were trying too hard to be different though. Anyway,I was in Paris and saw this bar called The Feeling. It had a neon sign above it. I suggested it to the guys and they were like,“yeah that’s great”. We’re hopefully having our album launch party in the bar. We’ve never been in there before so it might be a bit weird but it’s a good excuse to go to Paris.”

Our cultural obsession with pigeon-holing bands is something The Feeling have considered. For Sells,the meaning of the term ‘pop’ is becoming distorted. “Let’s get back to the old meaning of pop,” he rants encouragingly. “It is a much wider genre than we think. A lot of stuff that would hate to call itself pop is so pop. Of course we’re pop.” We ask the band about accusations of their decision to ‘embrace the cheese’. Sells sets the record straight. “We once made a statement saying ‘don’t fear the cheese.’ An interviewer told me the other day that what we do isn’t cheesy. I don’t think it’s cheesy either, but you shouldn’t be scared of being cheesy

or your music will be held back. If you are scared of being cheesy you won’t ever write good pop music. It won’t necessarily end up being cheesy. A little sprinkling of Parmesan adds to the effect though.” Stewart begins to laugh,“we all love cheese: Stilton,Brie...”

The band are frank about their opinion of their fellow cheese-lovers in the British music industry. “Before the record deal we used to say the music scene was terrible,” admits Sells. “Now that we have a record deal we can’t complain,” he laughs. “It’s always changing. It’s changing for the better as far as we are concerned. I think the industry is getting more open-minded about what indie and alternative is anyway. Suddenly everything is alternative.”

Sells is clearly excited by the new take on pop music. It is his creation of pop songs that animates him. “The craft is just to go for it,and then figure out what is worth keeping and structure it so it makes sense. The more you refine it the more it becomes a pop song. The less you do it,the more it becomes avant-garde music. If you want it to be pop you have to chop it down and turn it into this little three minute piece so it’s a bit more trimmed. Yeah,that’s what is exciting about making pop music. You trim the top off and leave the bare thing which is more beau-

tiful,” he says passionately.

It is this focus on music that has kept the group grounded. They dismiss the rock and roll lifestyle as a myth. “I really don’t think there is such a thing actually,” ponders Sells. “The people I know who are most rock and roll are those city boys who work in the bank week in week out. They do every drug there is when they finally have some free time. So what’s left for musicians? We’re just boring.”

“

Let’s get back to the old meaning of pop. A lot of stuff that would hate to call itself pop is so pop

Bass is also realistic about the band’s position in the public eye and is focused on achieving more success. “We’re at the beginning of our high-profile success really. Right now we are still playing the same sort of clubs as before. People say ‘what’s it like now you have made it?’ We haven’t made it yet. We just have a chance.” Their family are far too excited to think in such a modest fashion. Sells begins to laugh as he considers his family’s response. “They are very proud,I think. They are over-excited though. I’m trying to calm them down. We are meant to be excited. We are the kids. We have to explain things they don’t quite get. They think because we’re played a lot on the radio we are bound to be number one.” The family reaction to the video for Sewn which sees Sells being sewn up is also humorous.

“My step-niece didn’t sleep for two nights after she saw it. She’s 25. My grandmother is very annoyed. She found out about it. She’s having nightmares now.” Sells was far more impressed with the concept for the video than his grandmother. “It was such a simple idea but it made us laugh and we tend to go with things that put a smile on our face. It doesn’t matter what it is,musically or taste-wise.”

This statement is completely believable considering we have spent most of the conversation in stitches. As it draws to a close there is time for one more witty response to the question of where they see themselves in ten years. “I’m glad you said ten years because people usually say a year and that’s a bit boring,” says Sells. “We’ll have been in rehab by then. What’s after that? We could make our own rehab centre then. We’ll call it thefeelingrehabclinic.com. We’ll be the heads of all industries based around alcoholism.” Hopefully they will stick to their day job.

The Feeling’s album, Twelve Stops & Home is released on June 5.The band are on tour throughout June.

Femme fatale

Perri Lewis investigates the growing rise of women involved in the violent, self-destructive terrorist groups wreaking havoc in Israel and Palestine...

Hanadi Jaradat is admired by the people of Palestine. They do not respect her because she is a graduate of law,nor because of her promising legal career. She is praised because on October 4,2003 she blew herself up in a busy Israeli restaurant in Haifa and killed 21 diners. Hanadi Jaradat is admired by the people of Palestine because she was a successful suicide bomber.

Jaradat,known as the ‘Bride of Haifa’,was one of the increasing number of women around the world who are active participants in terrorism. Although unheard of at the turn of the 20th century,female suicide bombers have been causing devastation in the last 60 years,killing hundreds of innocent citizens around areas such as Turkey,Israel,Iraq and Chechnya.

They will do anything to blend in... dress as soldiers,as Orthodox Jews. Some have dressed as party girls

“Although many terrorist groups were initially opposed to the use of women in the frontline,many soon realised their potential.

According to terror expert Rohan Gunaratna, almost 30 per cent of suicide attackers are women. Around 30-40 per cent of the 200 bombings in Chechnya were conducted by women and they have been widely used by groups such as the Sri Lankan Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam. Women form part of the arsenal of these groups: one Palestinian supporter said,“We do not have F-16s,rockets or tanks,these girls are our rockets”.

Debra Zedalis,a terrorist expert at the Strategic Studies Institute of the US Army War College,believes that women are being recruited by terrorist organisations because they offer the groups more than men.

“The success of suicide bombers considerably depends upon surprise and accessibility to targets”,she said. “Both of these requirements have been met by using women.”

Women can access a greater number of places because they are rarely recognised as potential bombers. Jessica Stern,a journalist and terrorism expert,said: “The United States’ official profile of a typical terrorist applies only to men. Under a programme put in place after September 11,2001,males aged between 16-45 are subject to special scrutiny; women are not.” Hussein Al-Sheik, an Israeli West Bank Fatah commander, explains that it is this lack of suspicion which allows female suicide bombers to enter Israel from Palestine. “Girls and women are not subjected to strict Israeli security measures, and it is easier for them to reach a certain place,” he said. Gil Kleinman,an Israeli police spokesman also believes that it is a woman’s ability to appear non-threatening which gives them access to areas that male bombers

LEILAKHALED: “Glamour girl of international terrorism”

could not get to. “Palestinian suicide bombers will do anything to blend in and get as close to people as possible to kill them. They dress as soldiers,as Orthodox Jews. Some have dressed as party girls.”

A number of reports suggest that the most-widely used method adopted by female suicide bombers to remain undetected by officials and nearby civilians is to feign pregnancy. It is said that Hanadi Jaradat,the Palestinian suicide bomber,hid explosives around her waist,giving the impression she was pregnant to conceal the bomb. A woman known as Dhanu from the Liberation Tigers also employed this method when she exploded herself while standing next to former Indian Prime Minister Rajiv Gandhion on May 21,1991.

Female suicide bombers are also said to be more effective than male bombers because they attract more media attention. Attacks by women have shock-value and news worthiness because the common image of women as ‘the gentle sex’ contrasts sharply with the image of a violent,deadly terrorist. For terrorist organisations,such exposure is vital; it gives them a platform on which to promote their cause.

Although not a suicide bomber,coverage of the infamous Palestinian militant Leila Khaled illustrates the impact that female terrorists can have on the media. Her successful hijacking of a flight in 1969 and attempted hijacking a year later,generated a significant amount of publicity for the Che Guevara commando unit of the Popular Front forthe Liberation of Palestine. It is said that she caught the media’s attention for so long because she was a ‘beautiful woman terrorist’. Philip Baum,editor of Aviation Security International,even went as far as to describe her as ‘the glamour girl of international terrorism,’ earning her,and her cause,a world-wide reputation.

The considerable attention given to suicide attacks carried out by women also serves as a successful recruiting tool for terrorist organisations. Mia Bloom,a researcher at the University of Cincinnati,says that every instance that is reported prompts around 12 more people to volunteer to be a ‘martyr’. Men are often shamed into offering their lives because they believe it is they who should be suicide bombers: women are persuaded because the society they live in heaps admiration onto the women who give up their lives for their political or national cause. For instance,videos and posters of Palestinian ‘shaheed’ (male martyrs) and the ‘shaheeda’ (female martyrs) are freely distributed and proudly displayed. A number of Palestinian youth summer camps have also been named after female suicide bomber Ayyat al-Akhras.

Many have claimed that women’s motivation to act as a human bomb is different to that of men’s.

HANADIJANADAT: Suicide bomber

While the latter often have the sole intention of killing to promote their cause,the former have been known to explode themselves for a number of other reasons as well.

Palestinian militant Leila Khaled explains that women’s involvement in terrorism is a way for them to prove their equality.

"Violence was a way of levelling the patriarchal society through revolutionary zeal,” she claims. “The women would demonstrate that their commitment was no less than those of their brothers,sons,or husbands.” Female columnist Samiya Sa'ad Al Din of the Egyptian newspaper Al-Akhbar has echoed this view,claiming that,“Palestinian women will not settle for being mothers of martyrs.”

Women have also been known to commit these acts because they are lead to believe that it will cleanse them of their sins. It has been found that a number of female Palestinian suicide bombers were in situations where the act of martyrdom was seen as their sole chance to reclaim family honour that had been lost by their own actions or the actions of other family members. There have been allegations that the first female suicide bomber for Hamas,Reem Riashi,was co-erced by both her husband and lover as a way of saving face after an extramarital affair.

Elsewhere in the world,sexual violence against women appears to be a common motivating factor for female suicide bombers. Tamil women in Sri Lanka who have been raped by the Sinhalese security services have been known to join the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam as a result and there are controversial allegations that Ganghi’s assassin, Dhanu,was raped in the years before the attack.

But perhaps the most common motivation for women to blow themselves up in public is to take revenge for the loss of a loved one killed in the conflict. Terror organisations exploit the grief and anger of mourning women: it is known by many that Hamas and the Islamic Jihad often recruit women at funerals and mourners’ booths. It has been widely acknowledged that Hanadi Jaradat blew herself up with the prime motive to kill as many Jews as possible to avenge the deaths of her brother Salah and cousin Fadi. They were shot during an Israel Defence Force undercover operation to apprehend one of her cousins who was wanted by Israel. Most Chechen attacks in 2004 were also conducted by ‘Black Widows’: women who had lost family members,especially their husbands,in the Russian conflict.

While the sex of the suicide bomber may have certain implications for the terrorist organisation that employs them,the repercussions of any suicide attack,whether it is conducted by a man or a woman,remains the same for the victims. Death,injury,loss and tragedy go hand-in-hand with suicide bombings and to those who survive having lost their loved ones,the sex of the assassin is unimportant and irrelevant.

Speaking to two women whose lives were shattered the day that Hanadi Jaradat exploded herself with 15kg of explosive laced with ball-bearings,this becomes even more apparent. They do not see Jaradat as being any different to the men who carry out suicide attacks in Israel. Tova Bahat,35, who lost her husband in the attack,said: “To explode yourself in a crowd by children and babies is not human,whoever you are. You

can’t expect me to understand it.”

Her friend Orly Almog was also dining in the restaurant at the time Jaradat exploded herself. She lost three generations of her family that day; her husband,his parents and two sons. She spoke of her total inability to understand the mentality of those who glorify any kind of suicide attack. “If a mother can send her son or daughter to die,how can you talk to her?” she said.

Their lives have clearly been devastated by the attack: both women lost a number of family members and they and their children have long-term injuries. “I lost two of my ear drums and damaged a lot of tissue in one hand and my daughter has lost most of the hearing in one of her ears,” said Almog. “My son was also severely hurt and is now paralysed in the right side of the body,” added Bahat. “He also has cognitive problems and he has to work really hard to achieve what he wants at school.”

It is not only the physical damage that haunts them,but the fear that a similar attack could happen anywhere,at any time. “You can’t feel safe anywhere,” said Bahat. “It’s not in your mind every minute,every second,but it’s there. You know it’s not safe. It could be in a restaurant,a mall,the street,where your children play.”

These fears are not irrational,and they come with living in a country plagued by war. They will never go away until people like Hanadi Jaradat stop being admired. However,until conflicts around the world also stop,there will be no end of women who are prepared to choose the path that she chose.

ABOVE: A map of Israel

BELOW: A painting by J.Vogeltanz entitled Past and Future Of Terrorism depicting the growing anger in women who are becoming increasingly involved in terrorism

Insearchof Sanctuary

In preparation for refugee week, Joanna Spooner and Cardiff’s STAR group get an inside view of life as an asylum seeker in a refugee detention centre

PROTEST: Outside Scotland’s Dungavel Detention Centre

Asylum-seekers undertake a difficult and dangerous journey in search of safety,fleeing from persecution,torture or prejudice in their country of origin. These countries are mostly characterised by war,conflict and repression. On arrival in the UK,asylum-seekers are forced through the tough immigration system.

Frequently,asylum-seekers are held in special detention centres or prisons for varying lengths of time. On December 25 2004, 1,515 asylum-seekers were held in detention. 55 of those had been held for over a year. Sometimes,they are detained upon arrival in the UK and sometimes they have lived here for years before they are detained.

Not many people know much about immigration detention centres,let alone what they are like inside. On April 29,students from the STAR group at Cardiff University visited Campsfield near Oxford, the UK’s national refugee detention centre, to find out first-hand. Outside the massive barbed wire fence,a protest was raging,forcing them to wait before they were escorted into the education room. Here,the detainees,who are

IT skills,and other activities.

The detainees were talkative,and pleased with the contact with the outside world. The STAR members were not allowed to discuss the asylum-seekers’ cases with them. Some were optimistic about being released from the centre soon; others were worried about being deported. A man called Saleem had come to Campsfield from the airport and thought he would shortly be sent back to Eritrea.

The detainees at Campsfield are not told how long they will remain in detention for. The confusing situation adds to the stress of

“Although often considered a British icon,the mini was created by Sir Alec Issigonis,a Greek who fled from Turkey

detention and their experiences in the countries they seek to escape.

There are no clear-cut rules about who is detained and who is not. Reasons for deten-

notice and left their paperwork behind or never had any to begin with. Detention costs approximately £15 million per year,but the government has plans to increase its detention capacity in the future.

Children may be held in detention with their families. In 2004,at least 2,000 children were held in detention,many for more than a month and some for up to nine months. Research by Save the Children has found that detention is physically and mentally detrimental to children who feel like they are being punished,but don’t know why.

Sometimes a child will arrive in the UK alone. If they are under 18,they are taken into care and may access the school system. If they are over 18,they face detention, are denied access to the school system and must navigate the asylum process on their own. A young person arriving in this country may not have proof of their age and it may not be obvious whether or not they are 18, as happened to Alexander (see opposite).

The odds against asylum-seekers gaining the UK’s official protection are high. In 2004,the UK received 33,930 applications for asylum. 83% were refused upon initial

14 per cent were granted temporary protection.

A person must apply for asylum after they arrive in the UK. However,most people who have to flee their country are poor and cannot afford to travel to Europe. They usually end up displaced within their own country or in a neighbouring country. Developing countries host about two thirds of the world’s refugees,often in refugee camps. Of the millions of people who have fled the Sudan in recent years,most have reached countries like Chad,Uganda and the Democratic Republic of Congo: countries with high poverty and political problems of their own.

Upon arrival in the UK,asylum-seekers have ten days to prepare their application. The 19-page form must be completed in English. Restrictions on legal aid mean that they often do not have adequate support in filling out the form and may not have access to a translator. This causes applications to be rejected on grounds of ‘failing to comply’.

Whilst their application is in progress, asylum-seekers are not allowed to work. They receive 70 per cent of basic income support,which puts them below the UK

by the Mayor of London in 2004 estimated that 2000 asylum-seekers will be made destitute per year because of the withholding of support by the government. Some asylum-seekers seek illegal work and are at risk of poor working conditions and low pay. For example,some of the cockle pickers who died in Morecambe Bay were asylum-seekers. There have been numerous cases of asylum-seekers going on hunger strike or committing suicide in the face of deportation.

Under Section 9 of the Asylum and Immigration (Treatment of Claimants) Act 2004,the government can withdraw support from a family whose claim for asylum has failed to encourage them to leave voluntarily. The children will continue to be supported but the adults will not and there is the possibility that the family will become destitute or the children will be taken into care. During the pilot of Section 9 in 2004,35 of the 116 families affected went into hiding. The Association of Directors of Social Services has called on the government to repeal this policy.

When housed in communities,asylumseekers are often associated with crime and even terrorism. It is common to see stories of asylum-seekers who have committed crimes in the papers,but according to the Association of Chief Police Officers, asylum-seekers are more likely to be the victims ofcrime than the perpetrators. Refugees can contribute a lot to the communities that they arrive in. Albert Einstein was a refugee. In 1932,he moved to America to escape the persecution of Jews in Nazi Germany. The Mini,considered a British icon,was created by Alec Issigonis,a Greek who fled from Turkey. Other refugees include Michael Marks (founder of Marks and Spencer) and Carl Djerassi (inventor of the contraceptive pill).

Two thirds of refugees in the UK are educated to degree level or equivalent. They want to work,and contribute more in taxes than they take in benefits. There are many refugees that were doctors,nurses or dentists in their own country. It costs £10,000 to train a refugee doctor to practice in the UK,compared with the £250,000 it costs to train a doctor from scratch. Rather than being a drain on the NHS,refugees can contribute a lot to it.

STAR (Student Action for Refugees) is a national network of student groups working to promote awareness of refugee issues, campaign for refugee rights and support refugees in the local community through

Alexander’s story

Alexander arrived in the UK from Rwanda. When he was 14,armed rebels raided Alexander’s home. They raped his two sisters in front of him, and then they abducted him.

For over a year the rebels made Alexander wash and cook for them,and he was forced to watch raids like the one that had destroyed his own home. When he finally managed to escape he walked hundreds of miles before finding safety but was then accused of being a rebel himself and was sent to prison.

After nine months in prison,enduring rape and torture,Alexander,still only 15, was released,to find his village looted and his mother and sisters missing. Alexander was 16 when he arrived in the UK but the Home Office refused to believe his age.

He was left to negotiate the asylum system alone and felt distressed and suicidal. Eventually the Home Office re-assessed his age and admitted Alexander was a vulnerable child in need of support.

He now lives in supported foster care and attends sessions with a child psychotherapist.

Definitions

Refugee: Someone who has a wellfounded fear of persecution within their own country,due to race,religion,membership of a social group,or political opinion,and is therefore unable or unwilling to avail himself of that country’s protection.

Asylum-seeker: A person who has applied for refugee status and is waiting for that application to be considered.

Illegal Immigrant: A person who does not make themselves known to the government upon arrival,and therefore is not monitored and does not receive support.

“Some asylum-seekers seek illegal work and are at risk of poor working conditions and low pay

TERRIFIED: Refugees protest against their oppressors from the safety of their adopted countries

Fashion flashback

Clare Hooker looks back over 50 years of fashion and the icons that shaped the decades

1950s

Post war,fashion could move away from the rigid controls of the 1940s. Fashion returned with a vengeance that is remembered mainly for two silhouettes: the full skirt and the pencil slim tubular skirt which placed great emphasis on a narrow waist. Think Marilyn Monroe and her infamous hourglass figure.

There were those in the 1950s that rebelled against the pristine immaculate groomed look,so often associated with Grace Kelly elegance (to whom the Hermês Kelly Bag is named after and the classic head-cover of a silk scarf crossed under the chin and knotted at the side or nape of the neck is universally known as the ‘Grace Kelly’).

Leslie Caron and Audrey Hepburn often wore black jumpers,flat shoes and gold hoop earrings coupled with gamine cropped haircuts. They gave a continental alternative often described as ‘chic’.

Another influential silhouette of the period was that of the late 1940s swing coat by Jacques Fath: a great shape to cover up full skirts and an ideal silhouette for the postwar high pregnancy rate.

Chanel reopened her fashion house in 1954. The boxy classic suit jackets and slim skirts in braid trimmed,highly textured tweeds were cut with a straight down silhouette rather than a nipped in waist. Suits were lined with silk fabrics and were weighted along the inside lining with gilt chains.

1960s

Youth movements influenced fashion and lifestyles in this hedonistic era. The childlike empire line dress that had been introduced in 1958 was loved by young teenagers,hence ‘baby doll’ style.

Two-piece outfits of over-blouses and skirts,semi-fitted dresses with wide set necklines were key styles. Brooches and decorative buttons were used to highlight the elegance of jackets and A-line dresses which featured keyholes and cut outs at the neck or waistline.

Cutaway armholes created a need for underwear such as halter neck bras.

Mary Quant modified the style to her taste: the mini shift dress dominated the 1960s along with bouffant hair and dark eyes,small hips and flat chests,styles associated with Twiggy and Dusty Springfield.

At the same time the Beatles raised the profile of popular music while making longer locks more masculine.

1970s

D.I.S.C.O,punk, freedom and the decade barber shops went out of business. Men and women wanted their hair long and straight as sported by Abba. The clothes suited the lifestyle of those with limited cash due to unemployment. Until the 1970s,fabric had been treated as a material to keep as pristine,new looking and beautiful as possible.

The Sex Pistols were launched and styled by Vivienne Westwood’s partner Malcolm

McLaren so undoubtedly punk succeeded. A focal point of the punk look was the hair which was spiked into a Mohican by a variety of means including sugar and water solutions,soaping,gelatine,PVA glue,hair sprays and hair gel.

British rock singer and commonly known as the ‘chameleon of pop’,David Bowie turned the decade into Glamour Rock.

Around 1977,Zandra Rhodes the British dress designer,took elements of the punk style and used it in her collections making refined and more elegant versions in bright colours which were more acceptable to the rich and famous.

“ The 80s are synonymous with Jimmy Saville, and the infamous shell suit

1980s

synonymous with Jimmy Saville and the infamous shell suit. The desire for muscle definition and minimum body fat led to wearing sports wear such as leotards,leggings and ankle warmers as day wear.

A decade known for New Romanticism; Adam Ant epitomised the more beautiful aspects of the era. The flamboyant,colourful and dramatic look used frills and luscious fabrics associated with historical periods.

In contrast to punks,the wearers looked flamboyant in an attractive,luxuriant,and narcissistic way.

The look moved quickly into mainstream fashion and was reinforced by other chart topping pop groups of the time such as Spandau Ballet,Duran Duran and Visage.

Princess Diana became a style icon of this decade. Photographs of her romantic evening dresses and her wedding dress set the romantic style for full ball gowns for almost a decade. Glamorous occasion wear was a reaction and an alternative to the dressing down that was emerging from the wearing of sport and fitness wear as casual wear.

1990s

Fashion began to be pretty again and welcomed by those who wanted to relinquish track suits and sportswear.

Status shoes such as those by Manolo Blahnik,Jimmy Choo and Italian brands by Prada,Gucci and Renata and others took on a new importance as fashion itself became cleaner,more minimal and pared down. Super models led the way,Cindy Crawford, Linda Evangelista,Claudia Schiffer and Naomi Campbell made the waif-like figure attractive and desirable. Along with the likes of Jarvis Cocker and Liam Gallagher,Kate Moss spun an alternative image with heroin chic. Belly,tongue and genital piercings gathered a following among the masses.

Women’s fashion included fitted scoop neck shell tops and dresses in bright silks with colourful

“The 70s... D.I.S.C.O, punk,freedom and the decade barber shops went out of business

turquoise contrasted with full length coats in camel,black,navy or grey.

By 1998 the military look turned up again as combat pants and flak jackets replaced denim.

By the late 90s the bare nude look leg was in vogue and natural toned tights became acceptable again. Believe it or not, never before had wearing tights with open sandals been considered a faux pas.

What trends will define this decade? Perri Lewis shortlists the candidates

2000s

Things are changing quickly on the highstreet. Last year it was the gypsy look. Inspired by newbie fashion icon Sienna Miller,everyone’s choice of skirt was long and flowing and topped with a wide leather belt.

Rewind a year or so and Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs was riding on the wave of an 80s revival; if it was tacky,kitsch and plastic you were wearing it around your wrist, along with anything stripy and baggy your older sister could lend you from the wardrobe of her youth.

2006 saw both girls and boys ditch comfort for the constraints of skinny-fit jeans. Even your boyfriend was slipping into your Topshop size 10s to get the right cut of trouser. The high-street followed cocainefuelled bad boy Pete Doherty and the like, and the move of a more alternative style of music into the mainstream paved the way for rock stars’ attire to be imitated by everyone, even those who’s music preference was more the Spice Girls than the Killers. However,although this emo-inspired look has reigned on the high-street for most of this year,it is likely to be forgotten as soon as the sunshine finally comes out this summer. Trends pass more quickly than ever nowadays and,while this may satisfy the keen shopper in the short-term,this constant thirst for new looks could have devastating effects for the future. We change our styles so often that it is likely that none of the recent fashion crazes will ever really define this decade. But look past the windows of the high-street and forget what has graced the pages of Vogue and you’ll see that one look has endured the constantly changing fashion climate for years. It is because of its longevity that this could be the look that our generation will be remembered for.

Sportswear,hoodies,wet-look gel and gold jewellery are the sta-

ple ingredients of this style,which has been adopted by teenagers up and down the country since the beginning of the 21st century. Burberry,Nike,Lacoste,Ben Sherman and Hooch are the people who provide the gear. It is lapped up by the nation’s youth every Saturday while they fill up shopping centres, and worn while they chug pints of Strongbow in the park later that night. Yes,the chav look could very well end up defining our era.

This is a heartbreaking thought,especially as recent designers like Martin Andersson and Adele Clarke are producing some fine collections and the high-street continues to sell first-class designs. However,no look has been as strong as the one championed by the Vicky Pollards of the nation.

Another reason why none of the passing trends of the last six years will have a lasting affect on fashion history is because almost every high-street look has been revived from some previous decade. The oriental prints used in the last few months are reminiscent of the Chinese dresses we all wore to school discos in the 90s and the military jackets we all flocked to Primark to buy for £8 were like the styled jackets championed by Chanel decades ago. The music-fuelled ‘emo’ look has also been done many times before: recent alternative chicks like the Hot Puppies might be doing it now,but Blondie was doing it 20 years before.

The trends that are remembered are the ones that most accurately reflect the political situation of that decade. The ripped jeans and safety pins worn by the likes of Johnny Rotten echoed the political anarchy felt by 70s youth and the abundance of shoulder pads in the 80s reflected women’s desire to be seen as powerful within the workplace. The rise of Kate Moss in the 90s came about because society was fed-up with perfect-looking super-models like Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell and now the chav look will be forever fixed in fashion’s conscious because the scruffy,naff,polyester-rich outfits worn by the nation’s youngsters reflects a youth culture filled with violence,poverty, sex and alcohol.

Travel ethics

Bec Storey gets her sandals on and looks at the fad of eco-tourism

It’s the end of a long,stressful semester.

You’ve handed in your last essay and you deserve a little break. But where do you first look for ideas? How about the cheap airlines that offer instant solutions for a student budget?

While you’re busy checking the beach is golden and that the sea is the right shade of blue,have you ever considered the effect your flight will have on the environment?

If you knew one return flight from London to New York will generate the same amount of carbon dioxide as driving a family car for four months,would you consider staying in the UK?

In recent months,eco-tourism has become the new buzzword in the travel community. But what exactly is it? The International Ecotourism Society defines it as “responsible travel to natural areas that conserves the environment and improves the well-being of local people.”

To be an ethical traveller couldn’t be easier,because with every new buzzword comes a new industry. Ethical companies are just begging to take you to ‘green hotels’ and conservation sites. But there are also lots of little things you can do to help the environment.

Travelling by bus or train is a great way to cut down greenhouse gases and a great way to meet new people. But if you still need to fly,there is a new generation of planes taking to the skies.

The lauch of the new Airbus A380 (below) reduces the fuel consumption of every traveller,but the price you pay is being packed on like sardines,as the plane takes 853

You can also help reduce your contribution to global warming by making your flight ‘Carbon Neutral’. The Carbon Calculator at www.carbonneutral.com,enables you to work out your flight’s CO2 emissions so you can then balance them out by paying to have trees planted and contribute to climate-friendly energy projects.

Travel Companies

BAOBAB Travel is a UK-based specialist eco-tour operator. They offer a variety of group and tailor-made holidays to Africa and help support the local environment and culture. www.baobabtravel.com

Responsible Travel offer holidays from over 140 tour operators that they have screened first for their ethical qualities. Holidays range from gap years to honeymoons. They also pay £1 from every booking to development and conservation charities. www.responsibletravel.com

Literature

The Ethical Travel Guide offers over 300 places to go in 60 countries which all help the local people. £8.57 www.amazon.co.uk

The Good Alternative Travel Guide shows that to help the environment you don’t have to holiday in a mud hut. It offers a range of alternatives to suit all needs. £9.99 www.earthscan.co.uk

Transport

Rail Europe offers an extensive selection of trains that cover europe. Their Snow Trains allow you to depart from Folkstone via Calais to the French Alps from £99. www.raileurope.co.uk Eurolines connects 500 destinations by bus. London to Morocco starts from £110. www.eurolines.com

“Eco-tourism is just a fad,it helps to appease people’s consciences.”

Andrew Mickel (right),third year politics

“I disagree with flying to Scotland when you can get there by train or bus. But if you want to visit somewhere like India then a plane is the most practical way to go.”

Chris Rogers (left),first year English literature

“Eco-tourism is a good idea. We should all experience different cultures and environments.

Tom Wellingham (left),media officer

“I really like the idea behind eco-tourism: it can do a lot of good. Too many people pay a fortune to go on ‘eco-holidays’ because it makes them look good,but refuse to do simple things like recycle.”

Perri Lewis (right),third year communications

CENTRE

OF ALTERNATIVE TECHNOLOGY

Machynlleth, Powys

To reach the centre you have to travel up a 200 foot,almost-vertical cliff on a water-powered railway. Visit for the day or stay for longer in an eco cabin. They run over 120 courses on how to live an environmentally friendly life. www.cat.org.

CHITTARANJAN PALACE

Mysore, South India

This hotel was set up by a UK charity. As well as only using green energy technology, it shares its profits with charities across India. Average price for B&B is £18-35. Call 020 7794 9835 for a brochure.

CHALALAN ECOLODGE

Madidi National Park, Bolivia

In the heart of the Amazon,this hotel works on the principle of minimal impact. It is owned and run by the local community to preserve the land that was left to them by their ancestors. www.responsibletravel.com

BLACK SHEEP INN

Chugchilan, Ecuador

An inexpensive,ecologically friendly hotel high in the Andes Mountains. It serves gourmet vegetarian food made with organic produce from their gardens. www.blacksheepinn.com

THE INTERNATIONAL ECOTOURISM SOCIETY

Their website will give you all the information you need to be an ethical traveller. It includes a forum where you can share your tips and the best projects to get involved with. www.ecotourism.org

SNOW LEOPARD CONSERVATION

Ladakh, India

Go trekking in the Himalayas and help preserve theSnow Leopard. The scheme is a bit pricey but includes return flights,most meals,domestic flights,all transport, accommodation,an expert tour leader,local guides and $200 of the price goes straight to Snow Leopard Conservation. www.responsibletravel.com

BIG CAT: Miaow...

Happy snappy

How do you stop your perfect photo being wrecked by passing tourists? Amy Harrison managed to succeed on her trip to Latvia

I’ve battled the crowds to cross the Charles Bridge in Prague,struggled to breathe in the lift at the Eiffel Tower and walked around Times Square in the evening.

As much as I loved the sights and sounds of these cities,my photos always disappoint. You can put money on it,that nine times out of ten,when you’re poised with your finger on the shutter release,a group of tourists are ready to mar your shot.

Sometimes,I wish I could enjoy the wonders of the world without having to share the moment with hoards of tourists. I suppose it’s just a dream to expect to be the first to get there before the coach parties arrive.

This wish to get there first came true on a recent trip to the Latvian capital,Riga.

From my trip to neighbouring Estonia the previous summer,I was expecting Riga to be bustling with tourists absorbing the culture of this former Baltic state.

The city was bustling with people who filled the cobbled streets. I stood in the middle of the main square in awe of the blend of architecture: art nouveau shops next to gothic arches and bright red brick buildings. In the square itself was an ice rink blasting out a weird blend of crazy Europop. I stood and watched the skaters,and the people that passed by. Not a single one of them had an SLR hung around their necks.

I backtracked to my stay in Tallinn; the equivalent square was home to al fresco cafés,postcard peddlers and an Irish pub. Needless to say it was filled with stag parties and Italians en masse

So where were all the tourists in Riga? By the end of my first day I had seen all the sights and had some flawless photos.

The next day,in search of something to do,I headed down to the tourist information office and was shocked to find other people there - other tourists. I looked around in vain for details of a tour group. I ventured inside the buildings,which I had admired from the outside,in hope of finding out about the city.

First stop: St Peter’s Church. It had struck me that the building looked a bit new,as I passed it the day before,despite its obviously medieval architecture. Inside I discovered the history of the building that the guidebook kept secret. The reason the building looked new was because it was new,rebuilt in the 90s after being destroyed under the Soviets. And this seemed to be the case for many of the buildings in the city. Yet there was no-one there to tell the turbulent history this capital had endured.

As I moved around the sights,the handful of people who were in the tourist information office that morning followed me around the tourist ‘hotspots’.

The highlight of my trip was the panoramic

STPETER’S CHURCH,RIGA: Like Rome,except quieter

view from the top of the church spires. When I was at the top of St Peter’s spire,I’d say that every single tourist in the city was there at the same time,all eight of them.

Perhaps the most striking thing was the little market next to the Russian Orthodox Cathedral. In other European cities,this market would have been a tourist honeypot selling local wares at extortionate prices. Instead,it was all local fashions.

So,after all my travel experiences of being pushed about by tourists,how did I feel about getting there first? Uneasy. Although I’ve been to Riga,I have no idea if I missed out on the best bits. Without my guidebook I would have been at a total loss.

There is so much I never got to find out about the city. Why were there hundreds of padlocks engraved with lovers’ names on the bridge near the castle mound?

There is so much to see in Riga,but as yet,it is tourist unfriendly. It is amazing at the moment to see the sights and enjoy the culture without the crowds of tourists,but I will definitely be going back when the bubble bursts and the camera-clad crowd invade.

To give you some trip ideas, Travel recall how they spent their summer months last year

What did you do last summer?

“I went backpacking around the South of France,Italy and Spain. The highlights were the peace and serenity of Lake Garda and la Tomatina festival in Valencia.”

What did you do last summer?

“Me and the girls backpacked around Corfu and went to Skiathos.I found the most amazing beach ever in Ayios Yeoryios,in Corfu.”

What did you do last summer?

“I was travelling round South East Asia,visiting Malaysia, Thailand and Singapore. Borneo was amazing and I got to see orangutanghs.”

What did you do last summer?

“I spent a week in the Dales enjoying the lush scenery,but not the weather. Then went to Estonia and spent a long weekend clubbing in Brighton.”

Amy Harrison, Travel editor

The first time I saw a family of six on a motorbike weaving through the streets of Bangkok,I couldn’t believe it.

The Dad was driving,with two sons between him and the handlebars. Mum was sat on the back with a little girl on her lap and a baby in her arms. This was not an uncommon sight. Motorbikes are the way to get around Thailand.

Thailand was the first destination of my sixmonth world trip. It was just me and my backpack going solo round the world.

One morning I was lounging on the beach with some friends I had made at my hostel. One guy, Ross,said,“Who fancies hiring some motorbikes and exploring?” I jumped at the opportunity. I had never been on a motorbike before and concluded that when in Rome,I should do as the Romans do.

So,it was my first time on a bike,and we went out of the rental shop straight down a really steep hill on a gravel track. “That’ll be fun to go up when we bring the bike back,” I laughed.

After an awesome day exploring,we headed back at about 4pm to face that hill. I suggested we get off and push,but Ross was an experienced biker and said we could make it. The engine struggled as we went up the hill,then completely cut out.

Then next thing I knew I was laying on the roadside with the bike on top of me. I was in agony. The

exhaust of the bike was directly on my leg. I screamed at Ross to get the bike off.

The exhaust had burnt my leg with a wound about four inches in diameter. My leg was raw and blistered. All I could do was cry.

All the Thai doctor could do was clean the wound and give me paracetamol for the pain. I was banned from going in the sea to avoid infection.

Three weeks after the accident I flew to Australia. During the flight the wound,which was still raw,began to ooze with puss. An Australian doctor told me I needed a skin graft. With a twomonth waiting list and a six-week recovery period, this was not an option.

It took about four months for the wound to heal. When I got home my family were shocked at the scab,which had by then shrunk to about an inch in diameter. Around the scab was a huge scar about four inches wide. Now,18 months later,I am on a waiting list for an operation to remove the scar.

My world trip was a trip of a lifetime. My accident meant I missed out on surfing in Byron Bay and snorkelling on the Great Barrier Reef. If only I had said no to the motorbike ride. If only I had insisted that we should push the bike up the hill. If only things were different then my dream holiday might never have become such a trip from hell.

Julie Jones

Travel’s favourite snaps of 2006

Know before you go

You’ve spent the last year scrimping,saving and surrendering nights out; at last,the summer has arrived.

Your bags are packed, you’ve got your passport, money and sun cream,you’re all set for the best summer ever.

Then you touch down and disaster strikes; your backpack is stolen/you get your toes flattened by a TukTuk/you end up breaking a bone or three after a drunken table-dancing fiasco. Bugger. There are,however,a number of simple things you can do before you go,to put you one step ahead,and make sure your holiday of a lifetime is just that.

The Foreign & Commonwealth Office is now running the ‘Know Before You Go’ campaign,offering oodles of advice on what to do when your dream holiday turns into your worst nightmare.

Travel’s tips to ensure your holiday goes smoothly

1. Purchase travel insurance before you go. Not all insurance covers everything.

2. Check what vaccinations you need at least six weeks before you go.

3. Research the area you are visiting and take a good guidebook.

4. Make copies of your passport,insurance policy,emergency numbers and contact details.

Anika McCrohan

Luke Pavey in Prague

Emma Jones in Kenya

Holly James at Garel Loch Head

Amy Harrison in Uganda

TURKEY

Chris Rogers talks to Travel about his time in Turkey,as well as the perennial student favourite,the kebab

Turkey has everything you could ever dream of: stunning beaches,breathtaking landscapes,beautiful cities and an immensely intricate culture.

Most people touch down in Istanbul,which is a great place to start. With its incomparable fusion of European and Middle-Eastern Muslim culture,Istanbul allows you to find your feet in a city that is fairly westernised and travel friendly,while at the same time offering you a true taste of Turkish culture.

I don’t want to sound like I’m completely writing it off,but if you have plans to travel down the western coast of Turkey,make a 180 degree turn,walk towards any mode of transport which is heading east and get in it. The east of Turkey is where the real gems lie.

The best way to travel in Turkey is on a tight budget. Stay away from backpackers’ hostels and look for cheap hotels. These are much better than hostels because not only do they save you money,but they offer you the chance to interact with the locals.

You may end up spending the night in the hotel reception,watching Turkish pop music channels while the hotel manager and guests sit around chain smoking,offering you endless cups of cay (Turkish tea) and telling you how much they wish they had eyes as beautiful as yours. But hey, why not?

Many of these hotels exist on one street and are fiercely competitive. Try going to and from these hotels each time,saying that you will try the one up the road; this usually leads to a hilarious battle of wills as each hostel tries to out bid the other.

Once you have chosen the hotel you will stay in,you will have made a friend for life and thus be showered with hospitality. On your stay in Turkey you will no doubt come across the infamous carpet salesmen. They have various tricks up their sleeves. The most common being the “come back to meet my brother/cousin and have some cay!” You will be taken to a house that looks suspiciously like a carpet shop and convinced that you really want to buy your mother a carpet.

While in Turkey it is vital to try as much food as possible. Turkey has an incredibly varied cuisine. Of course there is the doner kebab and a range of other kebabs which are named after their city of origin,such as the deliciously spicy Adana kebab.

Once you have tried these delights make sure you wash them down with an Ayran - a mixture of yoghurt,water and salt. It is an acquired taste,but you will soon be convinced that no meal is complete without one.

With Istanbul now available via EasyJet it is extremely cheap and easy to get to. A trip to Turkey will leave you pining to visit the country again as you will realise its vast and truly infinite splendour.

Don’t Miss

Cappadocia Region... with its beautiful villages and wide range of valleys to explore you can easily spend a week here. One highlight is the breathtaking valley of Ihlara.

TOPTIP... In the major cities a room will cost you around £4-6 per-night, but if you venture to a less popular area prices can be as little as £2.

Travel’s top Turkish tips

Jesse Scharf and Chris Rogers share their Turkish experiences

1. Get a fish kebab off the boats on the Bosphorus strait.

2. Stay at the Istanbul hostel,sleep on the roof terrace at half the price and get views over the whole of Istanbul when you wake up.

3. Watch the sunset from the tall tower in the north-west of the city.

4. Go to a Turkish bath and get beaten up in what they call a massage.

5. Get a cut-throat shave at the barbers where they torch your face with a lighter for a smooth finish.

6. Learn a bit of the language. It will enhance your experience of Turkey and gain you more independence and respect from the Turkish locals.

7. Learn some of their mannerisms. Turkish people have a range of facial expressions and gestures which mean different things. This will help you if you’re tongue-tied or have difficulty learning the language.

8. Travel by train or bus. These modes of transport are cheap and effective. taxi drivers will often try to rip off tourists. Try to avoid them wherever possible.

H E R E C O M E S T H E

S

U M M E R S U N

The sun is out,the barbeque has been lit and you’re ready to head outdoors for dinner. Gemma Green has some tips on how to make the most of your outdoor eating

There isn’t a better way to celebrate the ending of exams and the eventual arrival of summer than a BBQ and some good summer grub.

Burgers and sausages are a guaranteed success at a summer party. The butchers on Crwys Road (D. Pring) is a great place to buy real beef burgers,just 25p each,and they sell a great range of different flavoured sausages from pork and leek to chilli and coriander.

If you’re looking for something different, however,try our recipe for chicken and vegetable kebabs with home-made BBQ sauce. If you want a veggie option,leave out the chicken and add more greens.

For another al-fresco option,if your BBQ skills aren’t up to scratch yet,you can also try Food’s mini Greek menu.

Falafel cakes are great outdoor food and can be served with couscous,lots of salad, pitta breads and Greek dips such as houmous and tzatsiki.

Although a little more complicated to make,they are worth it for their yummy flavour. Falafel is also another great vegetarian option.

Savoury might not be on everyone’s mind right now,so how about something sweet? Had too many strawberries? Fed up with icecream (yeah,right)? Then our recipe for lemon biscuit-based dessert might be what you’re looking for.

Easy to make and very more-ish,this summery pudding is great to serve at a party. If lemons are a touch sharp for your tastes then you could always add raspberries or another summer fruit.

FALAFEL: Yours won’t look like this

SERVES 4

400g/13oz can chickpeas,rinsed and drained

1 onion,roughly chopped

3tbsp lazy garlic

2tsp cumin seeds

1tsp mild chilli powder

2tbsp chopped mint

3tbsp chopped coriander

50g/2oz breadcrumbs salt and pepper

DIRECTIONS

1. Place the chickpeas in a food processor or blender with the onion,garlic,spices, herbs,breadcrumbs and seasoning. Blend briefly to make a chunky paste.

2. Take dessertspoonfuls of the mixture and flatten into cakes. Heat a 1cm depth of oil in a frying pan and fry half the falafel for about three minutes,turning once until crisp and golden. Drain on kitchen

Chicken and Vegetable Kebabs with home-made BBQ sauce

SERVES FOUR

4 Chicken breasts (leave out for veggie option)

4 red peppers

4 green peppers

4 yellow peppers

2 red onions

2 sweetcorn cobs (cut in half)

4 metal skewers

(Any Mediterranean vegetables can be used)

8tbsp tomato ketchup

2tbsp soy sauce

1tbsp Worcester sauce

2tbsp set honey

ground black pepper

1tbsp lazy garlic

DIRECTIONS

1. Chop all chicken and veg into big bitesize chunks (not too small or they’ll fall off the skewer).

2. Put onto skewers giving each one an equal share of the different ingredients.

3. Mix together all the ingredients for the sauce and spread over the kebabs.

4. Place on BBQ (or in oven) for 10-15 mins. Make sure chicken is thoroughly cooked.

5. Serve with crusty bread,salad and extra BBQ sauce.

Lemon biscuit-based dessert

SERVES SIX

Base:

4oz digestive biscuits – crushed

2oz butter

1tbsp caster sugar

Filling:

Quarter pint of double cream

6oz can condensed milk

BBQ: Whipped out as soon as there’s even a hint of sunshine

The juice and rind of two lemons

lightly whipped cream

Sliced lemons and crumbled biscuit

Crush biscuits,melt butter in a pan,add sugar. Feed in biscuit to pan and mix. Place in a cake tin and put in the oven for ten minutes at 180°c

2. Mix cream and condensed milk with finely grated lemon rind and juice in a food processor or blender.

Pour on top of cooled biscuit base. Set in the fridge for an hour.

Decorate with whipped cream,lemons,and crumbled biscuit. Serve.

KEBABS: Healthier than your Saturday night usual

Falafel cakes

Staying out for the summer

Lisa O’Brien hits the streets in search of the perfect way to celebrate the end of your exams

During the exam period,student favourite The Taf is running a number of promotions,including buy-one-get-one-free on beer in exchange for your - now surplus to requirements - exam paper.

What better way to drown your sorrows or celebrate your profound knowledge? Of course, all your favourite student nights such as Fun Factory,Rubber Duck, Fat Friday and Come Play are still running until the end of term,so make the most of them while you still can.

However if,like me,you want to be as far away from those evil exam rooms as possible then why not head into town?

The Taf Metros

If you like a dark, grotty venue,where sweat drips down the walls,and sticks you to the dance floor,but have had enough of Barfly,why not try Metros?

Here you can find the (normally heavily tattooed and pierced) DJ playing anything from Silverchair to S Club 7 as well as a good selection of everything in-between.

Metros is also well known on the student circuit for its rather epic drinks promotions - a must for those grappling with a student budget.

Jumpin’ Jaks

If you want to head into town and let your hair down then there’s only one place for it. Jumpin’ Jaks has it all.

Cheap drinks,a spacious dance floor to display your drunken but oh-so ‘sexy’ moves,and old skool tunes sure to bring back memories of the good old days when you swooned over the Take That boys,and wished you could be the next Spice Girl. Come on now,don’t pretend that you didn’t. If this isn’t somewhere you’d usually think of going,you won’t be disappointed. The morning after will be filled with happy and hazy memories,and possibly some sick. What more could you want?

Owen George, Environmental Geoscience

“I’m spending the after- noon in the Taf and then on to a ‘brilliant’ night at ‘Shipwrecked’ in Liquid,probably will be a messy night of frolics.”

“I’m staying in the Taf all afternoon and then going to Fat Friday; it has a good atmosphere as everyone else has finished their exams and the beer is cheap.”

Mark Hoskin, Environmental Science

Syd Lawrence aka Kid Syd, Computer Science “Me and some mates are planning to drive down to Newquay’s surf festival ‘Run to the Sun’ to enjoy a weekend of drinking and loving!”

“We are going to the Welsh Club (Clwb Ifor Bach) for a night of dancing and sambuca to celebrate.”

Caroline Leppard, Optometry

AUT Strike: Foul or fair? A mini debate for a massive issue

FOR AGAINST

“I think the AUT strike is a complex issue,for which it is not easy to be completely for or against. No lecturer will be in favour of affecting students in this way.

It is difficult and stressful in a way that people probably don't realise. At the same time,it is difficult to see,for example,third year graduates starting work with salaries close to our own,after so many years of education and training. I don't think any lecturers feel that salaries in our sector have been handled fairly. The decision to support the action short of a strike is a union one,as well as a personal one whether to carry it out.”

Student: History & Archaeology

“I agree with the strike action taken by AUT members and believe that is worthy of full support despite the inconvenience that it may cause.

What they are asking for is not unreasonable and striking at this time really is the only way of making an impact. This isn’t a new issue either – it could have been avoided by the university earlier in the year without all the issues of marking and releasing results arising.”

Third-year: Gemma Williams

“It seems to me that this problem is caught up in petty beaurocracy and untrustworthy statistics.

However it is difficult not to sympathise with university lecturers with some university bosses receiving a reported 38 per cent pay rise over three years. If i were to spend a number of years completing a PhD,I would expect to be rewarded accordingly with a healthy salary.”

“On behalf of all students at Cardiff University,Student Council has been actively campaigning against the action short of a strike that the AUT is currently taking.

I have had regular meetings with those on the Student Council,and also with the Vice Chancellor independently,to push both sides to resolution. I recently went to Parliament to lobby Boris Johnson,the Shadow Minister for Higher Education,on urging government intervention to resolve this issue as quickly as possible. It is disgraceful that the AUT is actively targeting students and not their employers.”

“This is 110% unacceptable. If there were no students then these lecturers would have no jobs in the first place.

They complain that there is too much bureaucracy – why not stop paper filing? They complain that they are overworked – why not get more staff? The fact of the matter is that they want the best of both worlds,they are using the wrong methods. They should put students first,that way they may get the respect that they so request.”

“Although I haven’t been directly affected by the strikes,I can see the impact that it is having on students at such an important time.

Targeting students in this way is unfair as it causes upset and panic at a time when students need to focus. The greatest fear among students is that all the nights they have spent hunched over their computers or with their heads in books will be wasted. The AUT action is also particularly damaging for those students who won’t have their papers marked,as it could affect future employment.”

Pete Goodman: Union President

BO-JO: Shadow secretary of cycling

PREVIOUS PAGE FROM TOP:

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: Foo Fighters

The

ARE YOU A BUDDING PHOTO-JOURNALIST?

Then why not join our award-winning photography team year? Contact us at photography@gairrhydd.com or come us at next year’s Societies’ Fair.

Reel Big Fish (James Perou),Shaped By Fate (Adam Gasson),London skyline (Sarah Day)

(James Perou),

Longcut (Penny Loades),Green Day,David Gray (both Luke Pavey),Winter Wonderland (James Perou),Vinyl Stickons,Fashion Rocks (Adam Gasson)

TOP:The Automatic (Sarah Day) BOTTOM:Sepultura (Luke Pavey)

INREVIEWSTHISWEEK

Funny-man Paul Merton in Arts Music enjoy a skirmish with Neil Young and a bit of theatre with Morrissey Digital lay their dirty hands on the sultry-yet-pixilated Lara Croft Books get purposeful with Ali Smith’s The Accidental Wolverine and chums lock claws with Film Radiohead bring Hammersmith to its weak,trembling knees

Radio phwoar

Review Of The Week

RADIOHEAD

Hammersmith Apollo, London Friday May 19

RADIOHEAD. RAY-DIO-HEAD. There’s something in that. And it might be Radio 4.

Indeed tonight’s show,the last in a series of UK dates starts with samples from local radio, there’s something about Watford FC,and then a bit from the BBC.

You see,if Thom Yorke’s gang of musical misanthropes were a broadcaster they probably would be Radio 4. The “you don’t remember my name” bit in Paranoid Android (played to a tee tonight) would be John Humphrys dissecting a politician on Today,beautiful newie Four Minute Warning, which sees all members of the band huddled round Yorke’s piano like an anachronistic Christmas postcard,is The Archers Mxymatosis, named after the rabbit disease,is obviously Farming Today and the anti-New Labour rhetoric of You and Whose Army? would fit nicely with any number of current affairs shows or perhaps The Moral Maze

Okay,perhaps a strained metaphor too many. But you get the point. Radiohead,like Radio 4, are smart,political and full of delicate contradictions. They have their iffy-points (Creep - Thought for the Day?) but overall we’d be much worse off without them.

This is evident outside. Touts smugly quote £200 for a £30 ticket while fans from as far as Australia look forlorn as celebs like Daniel Radcliffe stroll in.

They’re right to look upset too. After Willy Mason silences the 5,000-strong crowd with just his guitar and a Paddington Bear thrown onstage, Radiohead drift onto stage and Yorke curls up like a foetus into his piano and squeezes out a

LEFT: Thom Yorke - shy

bombastic,yet whimpering,take on the aforementioned You and Whose Army?

After a few minutes of refusing to look at the gaggle of photographers craning to get a shot of his face Yorke rises,acknowledges his trusty steeds O’Brien and Greenwood,and starts dancing. Well,‘dancing’ might be a bit generous – it’s more like the moves the IT guy would throw after a cider too many at the office party but hey,he’s having fun. Even if he does look like a drowning spaniel.

Speaking of Jonny Greenwood,he’s insatiable tonight. Starting off draped in a hoodie (Boo! Etc) he jumps from guitar to piano,to drums to a magic box of effects like a fly to varying stool specimens. He’s the playmaker who makes the team fascinating.

The new songs stand up well. Despite struggling with the contempt of non-familiarity,the rock swagger of Bangers ‘n’Mash helps to elevate a crowd already bouncing after the raucous nonsense of Idioteque

There couldn’t be a better venue either. The place oozes history and the theatre acoustics stop the subtleties of the band’s sound bouncing off the walls like it would in the usual sheds that the band play; proof positive in the encore when the crowd is so loud that Yorke pretends to put earplugs in. They finish with a come-and-get-us Karma Police that is,somehow,both threatening and sympathetic.

Six-and-a-bit albums in,this is a group of musicians with nothing left to prove. Despite a trying week (drummer Phil Selway’s mum passed away not long before the tour hit Britain),they look like they’re having fun,ready to take on the planet. Again. Will Dean

£ 2 0 0 a - t i c k e t

We meet the poor saps being quoted nearly seven-times face value for tickets to see their favourite band...

Names: Claire,22 and Claudia,23

From: Perth,Australia

Claire: “We’ve been here since 3pm trying to get tickets,but no luck. The touts are saying £150200.”

Claudia: “OK Computer has been our travelling album!”

Names: Rohan,Kieron and Shane

From: Tottenham

Shane: “We’ve got a hundred pounds between us,so we’re not very hopeful.”

Interviews by Greg Cochrane

RIGHT: Jonny Greenwoodreplacing Jim Naughtie soon

PHOTOS: Tim Cochrane

FILM NEWS

DIESEL DOES CARTHAGE

Vin Diesel is set to star and direct in a bigscreen rendition as Hannibal Barca in Hannibal. The film will focus on the legendary Carthaginian general (you know,the elephant-riding one) and his attempted conquest against the Romans,in particular the excellently named Scopio Africanus.

GYLLENHAAL GETS CRIMINAL

In a similar manner to his portrayal of Anthony Swofford in the marine’s autobiographical Jarhead,Jake Gyllenhaal will next be starring as detective Robert Graysmith in Zodiac,an adaptation of Graysmith’s own memories of a famous serial killer who terrorized San Francisco in the 60s and 70s.

The meticulous master of grime David Fincher will take lensing duties for a winter release,to be followed eventually by his longdelayed time travel epic Benjamin Button

READY? FIGHT!

Corey Yuen,director of the excellent if littleseen ‘Hong Kong Charlie’s Angels’ flick So Close and the questionble Transporter films is releasing DOA: Dead or Alive,adaptation of the XBox fighting game made famous by its anatomically ridiculous females.

THE TABLES TURN

Valence Media,the company that owns Torrent Spy,has sued the MPAA for hiring a hacker to break into its computers and steal information.

M MORE ORE

This project could go either way at this point. Diesel’s directing duties could prove a potential step towards macho ego-pandering or hidden genius,although he is going to have to win over some sceptics with regards to his acting chops in a tremendously demanding role. Whether it turns out more of a Gladiator (huzzah!) or an Alexander (what happened?) is open to debate.

THIS WEEK HE WILL MOSTLY BE FIGHTING...

Ageing Sly is back for yet one more ‘final’ shot in Rocky Balboa,and this time competition comes in the form of Mason Dixon, played by real-life light heavyweight world champion boxer Antonio Tarver. And yes, he’s back behind the camera as well. Place your bets...

By Catherine Gee Film Editor

The end has come. I know it’s hard for our faithful readers to come to terms with the idea of coping through the summer months without Quench Film to guide you through your cinematic exploits but don’t worry,we will be back.

Well,I won’t. Having spent three years doing stuff for gair rhydd and Quench it’s finally time to fold up my director’s chair and bid farewell to the top floor office. But I must say that I cannot think of a better way of spending my time at university. If you’re reading this as a first or second year (lucky swines) then I recommend if you’ve ever had aspirations towards the media then get your ass up here and give it a crack. Trust me,we ain’t that scary.

It seems South Korea is the hotbed for that old staple subgenre,the ‘revenge’ film. Recent standouts include Chan WookPark’s Lady Vengeance andKim-Ji Woon’s phenomenal A Bittersweet Life.

Has there ever been a good one?

Super Mario Bros, Tomb Raider, Street Fighter, Doom and the absolute dross of cinematic rapist Uwe Boll suggest we shouldn’t hold our breath for Halo

Game adaptations

L LESS ESS

Out on DVD this for tnight: Munich Hidden North Country The Fly: Collectors’ Edition Casanova

Out at cinemas this for tnight: X-Men: The Last Stand Down in the Valley The Omen Wah-Wah Poseidon United 93 Secuestro Express R.V. The Benchwarmers

But of course it couldn’t have been done without a wee bit of help,so I think one or two thank yous are in order. Firstly thanks to our predecessors Craig and Al for giving up an already strong section and some inspiration. Also high up on the list are our editor and deputy,Tom and Will,for all the blood they’ve sweated to keep us going,as well as Graeme for making our pages look pretty(er). And, seeing as we don’t write everything ourselves,a big ‘ta very much’ to (in no order) Andrew Mickel,Will Hitchins,Sian Miguel,John Widdop,James Skinner (tart with a heart),Finn Scott-Delany,Andy Johnson (gasmasks!),Matt Turtle (did better in Cult Classics than me),Ben Bryant, Jimi Williams,Harry Rose,Dr Matthew (such a way with words),Gary Andrews (even more thanks to him for being a dead good former editor and making me do this in the first place,good luck in Yeovil mate),Geordie (the cynical feminist),Michela Riva,Harold Shiel,Huw Davies and the rest that I’ve forgotten.

It’s been a good couple of years and thanks to all for not chucking me off the balcony when I’ve been narky. Finally,best of luck to Ryan,Ewen and Si for next year. Make it a good one.

Coming

Designed to get you sweating at the mere thought of their arrival:

Over the Hedge (30/06/06)

Opening in the US with expectations exceeded,this CG ‘toon tells the tale of a racoon and turtle pairing who use subterfuge against the meddlesome suburbanites who are damaging their calm.

Cars (28/07/06)

The lovely lovely John Lasseter has his new film coming out this summer. Don’t miss kid-orientated fun, Cars. Given that this man has yet to make a bad film we reckon this should be not bad.

The car’s t h

Ahead of the release of their new film Cars, SiTruss hears from animation pioneer director John Lasseter about life at Pixar studios,road trips and making the movie

“It’s kind of like child birth,” claims director John Lasseter,talking about film-making. “I know how that feels.” A bold statement to make - particularly in female company,yet after hearing John talk about his new movie,we can’t help but feel he may not be exaggerating.

For a man with so many accomplishments to his name,Lasseter is a very down-to-earth and friendly guy. It’s easy to forget that you are in the presence of a man who,in making Toy Story,the first full-length computer-animated film,created a new genre of film-making and,by being at the centre of the blockbuster factory that is Pixar studios (Finding Nemo, Monsters Inc.),generally set the standard that modern family films aspire to.

The way he talks shows he has an obvious passion for his work,but it seems that,even for him, Cars is unusually close to his heart.

The film’s plot revolves around cocky racecar Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson) who gets stuck in the small town of Radiator Springs after getting lost on America’s famous Route 66 on the way to a big race.

For Lasseter,who also co-wrote the film, car racing was an obvious choice of theme as it’s been an obsession since childhood.

“I grew up in LA,” Lasseter recalls,“and

my father was parts manger for a Chevrolet dealership. I grew up always going to his shop and looking at all the new cars. I got a lot of my love of cars from that.

“We also had a big raceway near where I grew up,” he explains,reminiscing about his old north-Californian home. “All the big races would come through there and I developed a real love for racing.”

There were times in the production of Cars however,when his passion nearly got in the way of making the movie.

“My wife Nancy was the one who reminded me,” he explains. “She told me to make this movie for her and everyone else in the world who doesn’t like racing. I call that the Nancy Effect.” Still,there is one of Lasseter’s loves behind the movie that his whole family shares in,and that is his fondness for the piece of nostalgic Americana that is the coast-to-coast Route 66.

His first real discovery of this legendary

stretch of road came in the summer of 2000 while taking a break from his work at Pixar.

“I loved what I was doing back then but I was working so hard. I just seemed to get busier and busier. Four of my five children had been born while I was making Toy Story one and two and I really needed to take some time off to spend

“So we all hopped into a motor home,dipped our feet in the Pacific and headed east with no real agenda except to reach the Atlantic coast.”

He was obviously a fan of a lot of what he saw along the way. So much so that the ending credits of Cars contains a list thanking virtually every roadside café along the route.

“I practically wanted to put in a map and a list of all their phone numbers,” he explains, “so kids would get a

THIRTY

JOHN LASSETER: The man himself

he star

chance to experience a lot of what you miss by just driving along the interstate.”

For Lasseter and the Pixar team,capturing the aesthetic of these small towns within the cartoon world of Cars was very important. “A picture can say a thousand words; you can see the history,the faded signs,the rust,the dust and the grass coming up through the cracks in the driveways. We needed to get that into the film.”

In the world of computer animation, though,such a task is easier said than done. “There were times when we weren’t sure the film would be finished in time,” chips in the film’s producer,Darla K Anderson. She explains how creating and rendering such a detailed fictional environment took a huge amount work. “At times we were spending 100 hours rendering a single frame of the film. It was incredibly time consuming.”

“We need it to look believable,” Lasseter adds. “We make cartoons and we don’t want people to look at the screen and think they’re seeing something real,but it needs to look believable for the story.”

“Every time we do a movie there are always things we don’t know how to do,” he reveals. In the case of Cars this meant the challenge of creating realistic lighting and reflections on the bodywork of the cars themselves. To this end the team used a technique rarely used in motion pictures,due to it being highly expensive and time consuming,known as ray tracing. “It involves

computers accurately projecting and calculating realist reflections,” Lasseter explains.

He was also keen to have people from the real world of racing involved in the project. In fact one of the film’s stars,Paul Newman, who plays Doc Hudson in the film,crosses the boundary as both professional actor and racing driver.

“He was very passionate about getting the racing right,” Lasseter comments. “We recorded his voice parts in four hour sessions and we ended up spending most of the time talking about racing.”

It’s not only big names for American racing who appear in the film. Michael Schumacher pops up representing our side of the pond in what Lasseter calls a ‘drive-on’ part. “It was great having him appear. We recorded him while he was over for the Canadian Grand Prix. I love Formula One racing; it’s so spectacular.”

As our session draws to an end Lasseter is visibly perturbed at being silenced,his enthusiasm still bubbling away. “I’m very proud of our team,” he concludes. “We’re way up in northern California away from Hollywood. We’re just a bunch of movie fanatics. It’s great.”

Then with that Lasseter is practically dragged out of the room. “If we don’t leave now we’ll be working until midnight,” comments Darla as they leave. Somehow,we doubt very much that it’s something Lasseter would mind.

TOP TO BOTTOM: Luxor Jr, Toy Story, A Bug’s Life

The summer blockbuster has been a long tradition.Unfortunately,this is our last issue so we have to tell you all about the films we hope are worth watching over the next couple of months now.We haven’t seen them, so don’t come looking to poke us in the eye if they turn out to be rubbish.We’re only educated-guessing...

Although this film will be all the worse for the absence of Keith Richards’ originally planned cameo,this sequel looks set to smash the box office. Whether or not it’ll be any good is anyone’s guess but here’s certainly hoping. Johnny Depp (left),Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom return,with the welcome additions of Bill Nighy as the man Jack Sparrow owes a debt to.

ETA: July 7

Based on the novel by Philip K Dick, A Scanner Darkly is in the vein of Sin City’s idea of graphic fiddling,this time using software called Rotoshop to give it the trippy,dream-like effect. Set seven years into the future,America is ridden with drugs,including one especially nasty vari- ety,‘Substance D’ which causes the user to develop a split personality. Starring Keanu Reeves (right),Woody Harrelson,Winona Ryder and Robert Downey Jr. ETA: July 7

Michel Gondry,the director of the much-fun Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind has returned with an even bigger head-fuck. Last time he didn’t have sufficient creative freedom,apparently. Gael García Bernal (above right) stars as a man who begins to lose his grasp of the line between dream and reality. It’s very French and looks very fun.

ETA: July 28

KEVIN SMITHfans will be quaking in their long black coats in anticipation of the Clerks sequel. Or they could be quaking with fear that their hero will have lost his touch and the creation of this largely unnecessary follow-up will be the marking of it. But you can decide for yourself on July 7 when Clerks 2 (right) is released.

If films with a hint of daft is your bag then Snakes on a Plane is most certainly one to book in advance. As we reported before Easter,this small budget b-movie has created such overwhelming internet hype that it seems destined to race to a high place in the box office when it is released on August 18

Come the following week on July 14 there’s more comic book fun with Superman Returns Bryan Singer (X-Men and X-2 director) has jumped ship from that particular franchise and headed straight for another. The presence of Singer gives this film more than a fighting chance but we’re still hanging onto our money for now.

Another director who has a place in Film Desk’s heart is Terry Gilliam who releases his Tideland on August 11. Whereas Kevin Smith may be a big, big fan of the Weinsteins,Gilliam holds them to blame for the decidedly unimpressive Brothers Grimm. But this time there’s not a Weinstein in sight and Gilliam is,apparently,on full weird-mode. We rub our hands in glee...

DDOWN IN THE VALLEY

Dir: David Jacobson

Starring: Edward Norton, Evan Rachel Wood,David Morse,Rory Culkin

Out Now,120 mins

own in the Valley is a promising film of two distinct halves that don’t quite gel. In its first half screenwriter/director David Jacobson builds interest with the air of a filmmaker with confident ideas.

Wannabe cowboy Harlan Carruthers (Norton) and pretty 18-year-old Tobe (Wood) meet at a gas station where he almost immediately surrenders his job as an attendant to take up her now-or-never offer of a trip to the beach. There they discover their mutual attraction despite the odds,much to the chagrin of her sheriff father Wade (Morse) who distrusts the elder Harlan.

Jacobson has a keen directorial eye that wistfully plays with the aesthetics of both the American Western and modern-day urban drama with a juxtaposition of images that reveal the way Harlan sees his world.

Panoramic views of the Californian valleys are used with aplomb,as are scenes of horse-riding through urban environs shot in the classic John Ford style to add to the anachronism. In contrast,when Tobe introduces Harlan to her world,Jacobson and cinematographer Enrique Chediak adopt a more modern aesthetic,with various uses of filters,flares and handheld camerawork in standard indie cinema style.

Edward Norton commands screen presence in his turn as the delusional modernday cowboy Harlan Carruthers,with knowing nods to Taxi Driver-era Robert De Niro in monologues delivered to his mirrored reflection,guns cocked at the ready. Evan Rachel Wood delivers a variation on her performance in Thirteen as the disillusioned teen at odds with her protective father.

It is unfortunate that Jacobson’s obvious directorial talent is not matched by his overlong script that,in taking on the ramifications of a thriller,betrays audience expectations in all the wrong ways.

Ewen Hosie

STWAH-WAH

Dir: Richard E Grant

Starring: Gabriel Byrne, Miranda Richardson, Emily Watson,Julie Walters,Nicholas Hoult

Out Now,120 mins

THE OMEN

Dir: John Moore Starring: Predrag Bjelac, Liev Schreiber,Carlo Sabatini,Mia Farrow, Julia Stiles

Out Now,110 mins

he Omen - originally released in 1976was a horror/thriller in the vein of Rosemary's Baby and The Exorcist that,arguably,has stood the test of time as one of the best satanic horror films ever released. However,a remake has been deemed worthy by some buck-happy Exec.

The Omen is supposed to be an all-time classic horror,although I was always slightly baffled as to why. American diplomat Robert Thorn (Shreiber) is moved to a new job in London,but he increasingly suspects that his own son is the Antichrist.

peaking at the Hay-on-Wye literary festival,the playwright David Hare suggested that self-expression ought to be a by-product of telling stories,and not its purpose. At first glance, Wah-Wah could easily be mistaken as the latter: a navelgazing,emotionally onanistic film that exists purely for its creator’s personal expurgation. It isn’t.

True,Richard E Grant’s directorial debut is largely based on his own tempestuous childhood in a Swaziland on the cusp of independence. But if we forget for a moment that it’s a simulacrum of the writer’s own experiences,it’s just a simple story of the formative years of a troubled teenager (the Grant-based character Ralph) – something with which,on one level or another,most of us can identify.

While the alcoholic father (who no doubt influenced Grant’s own teetotalism),adultress mother,the racism and pomposity of the local English elite and the inevitable conflict with Ralph’s American stepmother could have been tired and clichéd,they weren’t. They were at all times utterly believable –presumably because they were (very nearly) real – and the perfect foils to Grant’s character,whether he was mocking the pretentious Lady Hamilton,bonding with easy-going stepmum Ruby,disowning his mother (Grant didn’t speak to his mother from his teenage years until finishing this film) or being shot at by his father (!).

Directorial catharsis is empathetically transferred to the audience as we witness Grant/Ralph’s story: only the coldest-hearted of cold-hearted cynics would be unmoved come the film’s poignant ending.

Wah-Wah is simply a magnificent piece of work - for a debut film even more so. Whether Grant can repeat his success with an original story remains to be seen,but I, for one,hope he succeeds.

Chris White

Lord knows it would make a cracking episode of the House of Tiny Tearaways,but this remake (especially for the 6/6/06 release – geddit?) is composed solely of what feels like a shot-by-shot revisiting of the original’s most iconic scenes,with an enormous pile of extraneous guff thrown in for no clear reason.

The opening half hour seems to house about three different introductions to the film,whilst Thorn’s tour of Europe is so prolonged you’d think he was trying to milk a Eurorail ticket. The pointless reshooting of the original’s best bits is perhaps the biggest loss. Given the dullard tendencies of the first,there was certainly plenty of room to make an improvement.

Still,one of the best features of the film is watching how they make the prophecies of the coming of the Antichrist fit world events; much as the Daily Mail has been predicting for years,the EU is actually an integral part of a Satanist plot.

With such a decent cast,there are some redeeming performances. Here,in her first horror-thriller,Julia Stiles stars as Katherine Thorn. Her character is more beefed up than in the original and is reminiscent of Mia Farrow's character in Polanski's Rosemary's Baby.

In possibly a stroke that is not strictly genius,Farrow herself is cast here as Mrs Baylock,Damien's second nanny,who plays the nanny with such obviously deranged intent it’s clear from the outset she’s no Mary Poppins,but her relish brings light relief to the otherwise po-faced action.

Liev Schreiber,however,is his typically blank self on which to try and hang the whole film – the parallels between his performance here and The Manchurian Candidate are telling. The Antichrist,meanwhile,does little but squint to indicate evil (perhaps if he got new glasses,the world wouldn’t have to end).

Fans of the original will find nothing new, and newcomers will find nothing more than a stale story that,more than ever,doesn’t deserve a second coming.

Andrew Mickel

THE OMEN: Children are scary

AX-MEN: THE LAST STAND

Dir: Brett Ratner

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry,Patrick Stewart,Ian McKellan, Anna Paquin,Kelsey Grammer

Out Now,104 mins

‘cure’ for mutancy has been developed,which causes a rift between the mutants who want it and those who don’t.

This provides an excuse for Wolverine (Jackman),Storm (Berry) et al to fight against the Brotherhood of Mutants,led by Magneto (Ian McKellen) and a resurrected Jean Grey (Jannssen),now possessing dangerous and uncontrollable telekinetic powers that turn her against her former allies.

Problems arise concerning the introduction of too many new faces,many of the mutants doing little more than pandering to the fan base for a bit of cameo spotting. It also proves an excuse for fair amounts of spectacle,delivering ‘wow’ moments that should be expected of its superlatively large budget,with the levitation of the Golden Gate Bridge and subsequent mutant free-forall proving a particular highlight.

There are also some misteps on the design front. Some of the Brotherhood lackeys bear a more than passing resemblance to Mad Max extras in the fashion stakes, while Vinnie Jones struggles as Juggernaut under a questionable muscle suit. More pertinently,the deaths of several of the main characters seem an ill-advised step into melodrama that may irk,although a cunning post-credit sequence suggests hope (and sequels) will prevail.

Pacing is quicker than Singer’s previous installment,with X3 a taut 100 minutes,failing to prove sufficiently epic for the expansive roster of characters on display. Only Kelsey Grammer’s Beast achieves requisite development despite working under several layers of prosthetics that convince in a manner akin to Ron Perlman’s performance in Hellboy

Fanboy hopes for X3 were seemingly quashed with the announcement that Brett Rush Hour Ratner would be assuming directorial duties,but such worries have been unnecessary, X3 proving a solid addition to a franchise yet to lose its legs.

Ewen Hosie

APOSEIDON

Dir: Wolfgang Petersen Starring: Kurt Russell, Josh Lucas,Lucinda Barrett,Richard Dreyfuss

Out Now,99 mins

nother wet afternoon,another blockbuster remake. But Poseidon has cheated by being – wait for it – quite good. Obviously not with a good script or acting,despite being helmed by drowning specialist, Das Boot director Wolfgang Peterson. That has quite rightly been jettisoned to leave nothing but spectacular set pieces and the joy of people dying in amusing ways. In short,this is a fantastic guilty pleasure of a disaster movie.

Like the original,after a massive wave hits a cruiseliner we follow a group of passengers making their way to the top of the overturned boat,with a surprisingly high body count for a 12A. There are only a few modern touch-ups: the tidal wave becomes a ‘rogue wave’ (make your own War on Terror joke),there’s some gayness,and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas warbles a bit.

The opening doesn’t look optimistic,with blue screen effects that shame even Doctor Who. But by the time the boat flips,and that happens in double quick time,you can just sit back and admire the inevitable watery grave. The B-list cast just underline that the director knows what the audience are really here for,with only Josh Lucas’s death eyes and the perpetually shrivelling Kurt Russell (prolonged periods in water are not a good idea for the living prune) to mention.

I can’t remember the last time a shlockbuster was this well made without trying to shoehorn in some morals and teach me something. In fairness it could have done with a screaming Shelley Winters,but Fergie does get killed off. At sea,it turns out,lady lumps are not much use. Check it out. Andrew Mickel

WUNITED 93

Dir: Paul Greengrass

Starring: Christian Clemenson,Gary Commock,Polly Adams, Opal Alladin

Out Now,111 mins

e all know the statistic: 3000 people lost their lives on September 11,2001. United 93,the story of the hijacked plane that never made it to its target and based on transcripts of the black box recordings,is a timely reminder that behind that statistic were real people. It is a chance to re-inject some humanity to the events - almost like a Schindler's List for The War Against Terror.

It’s an easy thing to make a mess of,and the ominous intro music laid over mundane events set off alarm bells that this was to be the kind of flag-waving display of patriotism that should have been finished off with

Team America: World Police

But director Paul Greengrass gets it largely right,though the first hour of the film is predominantly dull routine and the performances - mostly from professional-butunknown actors (though the Federal Aviation Authority’s operations manager Ben Sliney plays himself) adding to the shocking reality of the film - are a touch flat. The finale,however,more than makes up for it: the passengers’ ultimately unsuccessful attempt to retake the doomed airliner is genuinely moving.

The recreation of the chaos and violence of the cabin,and the tension of military air defence staff and disbelief of FAA workers as each tries to gain some sort of control over the situation,combined with the news footage with which we’re all too familiar, depicts the day's events as accurately as will ever be possible.

Chris White

POSEIDON: It sinks,by the way

X-MEN 3: He likes picnics

FESTIVAL DE CANNES ROUND-UP

By Ryan Owen Film Editor

Oscar-winning director Sofia Coppola’s latest film Marie Antoinette was booed at its premiere at the Cannes Film Festival on Wednesday,where the French crowd gave the film a bad reception. Critics were audibly disappointed and made themselves heard through heavy booing. However,this was also matched by applause.

Post-screening,a flustered Coppola was heard to say “I didn't know about the boos at the screening,that’s news to me”. Kirsten Dunst added,“well I liked the movie!” Coppola admitted that she was disappoint-

HIDDEN Out Now

This is a French film: they’re good right? It’s also a Michael Haneke film. So it must be good. Except once again the ‘we’re better than America’ French have forgotten what made them good in the first place. Tension is replaced by turgid nothingness and goodlooking naked people are replaced by middle-aged naked people which is the very definition of gratuitous. Not including Juliette Binoche. She’s still quite fit.

The Don says,“If you mistake hide and seek for the okey cokey you will look rather daft.”

NORTH COUNTRY Out Now

Lovely-looking Charlize Theron and the just plain lovely Frances McDormand meet in this ‘true’ (read ‘not really true in any way apart from the location’) story of female mine workers suffering sexual discrimination. The usual system of ‘what happens within these walls...’ is broken when Theron decides she’s had enough. Unfortunately what could have been an effective film eventually descends into pure farce.

ed at the reception,but added: “I think it's better to get a reaction than a mediocre response.”

British director Ken Loach’s The Wind That Shakes The Barley won the Palme d’Or - the top prize at the festival. This is his first time taking the Golden Palm,despite having plenty of success at the festival over the years.

Judge Helena Bonham Carter was heard to say that the film “hit us all profoundly,” and showed “tremendous humanity”.

Alejandro González Iñárritu also took the best director’s prize for his film Babel,which was shot in four different languages,while Pedro Almodóvar won best screenplay for Volver

The Don says,“When I was a niño we’d eat coal for breakfast and pet our women at the same time. Times they do change.”

MUNICH Out Now

Another true-life story,although this one is actually real,as told by Steven Spielberg. The super-splendid Eric Bana stars as the man trying to track down the Palestinian terrorist group responsible for the assassination of 11 Israeli athletes during the 1972 Olympics.

Though the film has suffered a degree of criticism,both of its discussion of the ArabIsraeli conflict and of Spielberg’s handling of the matter,it is largely well-accomplished. Brutal violence and stark images bring home the true nature of such extremist actions and the battle to curb them.

The Don says,“Spielberg’s greed for Oscars will be his demise. He’s gonna be sleeping with the fishes.”

CASANOVA Out June 19

How to make a casserole. In a Nova.

INGREDIENTS:

3 cups cooked diced chicken

1 can cream of mushroom soup

1 can cream of celery soup

2 cups chicken broth

1/2 cup melted butter

1 package herb-seasoned stuffing (mix 6oz to 8oz)

1 cup shredded cheese,Swiss or Cheddar PREPARATION:

Prepare a tray in the backseat. Boot your bird Tracy into the front. Combine soups and

Cannes Film Festival

Cannes Film Festival was first held in September 1939. The 2006 Cannes Film Festival had twenty films from eleven countries in competition for the Palme d'Or

Palme d'Or Winner 2006:

The Wind That Shakes The Barley

Released June 23

Dir. Ken Loach

Starring Cillian Murphy.

An early-days look at the Irish Republican Army in the 1920s and the struggle for independence from Britain.

Ones to Watch:

Marie Antoinette

Released February 16

Dir. Sofia Coppola

Starring Kirsten Dunst,Jason Schwartzman.

Based on the novel by Antonia Fraser,follows the life of the Austrian princess turned French queen who was a symbol of late 18th century decadence and lost her head come the French Revolution.

Babel

Released February 16

Dir: Alejandro González Iñárritu.

Starring: Cate Blanchett,Brad Pitt. Covering three continents,the story begins with a tragedy striking a married couple on vacation.

chicken broth; add diced chicken to the mixture. Scoop butter out of the door ashtray and add to dressing mix. Combine chicken mixture with the dressing mixture. Place in a 2 to 2 1/2-quart casserole dish and then drive at high speed for fifteen minutes to heat up the engine. Take round to the bonnet where you bake at 350°for 30 minutes. Top with shredded cheese during the last 5 minutes if desired. Serves six.

The Don says,“I don’t beieve this... if you can’t take your job seriously,how can I possibly protect you against our rivals?”

THEFLY SPECIAL EDITION Out Now

Cronenberg’s proper weird sci-fi freakout. Jeff Goldblum takes the leading role as the man who invents a teleporter but things go wrong when he teleports himself and a fly decides to join him in the booth.

Given this was made in the 80s the effects are very impressive. Goldblum is convincingly scary as a man slowly mutating into a fly and Cronenberg keeps the tension sufficiently bubbling throughout.

The Don says “The creation of the miscreant Brundlefly in this film is second only in the monstrosity stakes to Sofia Coppola’s performance in Godfather III. May she burn in Hell.”

MARIE-ANTOINETTE: Turning heads

A night at the opera

MAZEPA Wales Millenium Centre

May 20

TTchaikovksy’s overlooked gem

he Welsh National Opera is 60 years old this year,has its own home in the magnificent Wales Millennium Centre and has laid on some truly mouth-watering delights for us this summer and beyond: the tragic love-story (Madam Butterfly),powerful humanity (Khovanshchina) and fatal passion (Carmen) are just some of what’s on offer.

The WMC foyer has the feel of an international airport departure lounge,yet the auditorium is quite something to behold - not a 90 degree angle in sight. The WNO is now in its second full season of residency at the WMC. Their artistic ambition and the quality of their performers suits this setting well. The future of Opera in Wales looks bright.

Tonight’s performance is no exception. Tchaikovsky’s Mazepa is the least lauded of his three works based on Pushkin,yet it lacks none of the other two’s positive traits and is perhaps an overlooked gem. The story is set in the Ukraine at the time of the battle of Poltava (1709) and tells a tale of love between Mazepa – the ‘Hetman’ (commander) of the Cossack forces – and Mariya,the much younger daughter of his friend,the Ukrainian leader Kochubei. The friendship is broken when Mariya chooses Mazepa over her own father. There is much intrigue and Kochubei is arrested by Mazepa when trying to betray the Hetman’s nefarious plans to Peter the Great.

The story climaxes with a dramatic act set during the battle of Poltava. The WNO have chosen to modernise the action for this production setting it in the Russia of the 70s and 80s. The authenticity is something to behold – from the dull,starched pastel suits

IGot Rhythm celebrates the legendary music of George and Ira Gershwin in an energetic fusion of ballet,jazz and live orchestra. The Northern Ballet Theatre bring together complex choreography and an innovative blend of classical dance to create a refreshingly new piece of theatre. I Got Rhythm is a two-act show full of

MAZEPA: Tchai-crazy

of the chorus to the shaggy beards and bulbous bellies of the main players. That is not to mention the sets. The bleak walls and oversized doors with minimal furnishing really effuse a feel of the 1980s Eastern Bloc. And finally,I suppose,the Opera itself.

A problem I have consistently found in my brief flirtation with WMC/WNO operas is the volume: I want to be filled with the sound and the emotion but,while tonight’s performance came the closest to doing this so far,it still did not quite satisfy. The music they were playing,with rare verve under the direc-

dynamic dance,live orchestral music and operatic vocal performances. Set to a collection of George and Ira Gershwin’s sensational songs,ballet meets jazz in this exuberant spectacular.

The Northern Ballet Theatre Orchestra fuels the show,with a mix of ‘big band’ energetic classics and sultry sensuous numbers. Concert pianist,Jonathon Scott,was outstanding,and his solo rendition of Rhapsody in Blue had the audience enraptured. Guest singers Geoffrey Dolton and Simone Sauphanor also gave virtuoso performances.

The dancers add the finishing touches to this theatrical extravaganza,bringing the stage to life with all the showbiz charm of the good ol’ days. Tobias Batley and Georgina May were faultless in technique and style.

tion of conductor Alexander Polianichko’s baton,was quite touching and at times menacing – when they reach the final battle Tchaikovsky’s score evokes the conflict beautifully. Mariya was a warm counterpoint to the gruff,bolshy,male-dominated cast,and she, with a little help from her mother,held her own well. Despite early worries Andrei came good towards the end and Kochubei was solid throughout. The main-man,Mazepa, both looked and sounded excellent and topped off a wonderful,performance.

Harold Shiel

Most of the audience were of pensionable age (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but despite this the show is a lot of fun and perfect to start off a night out. The fascinating dances and dynamic orchestra fused surprisingly well together. In the words of Gershwin,‘Who could ask for anything more?’ Rebecca Child and Kim O’Connor

RHYTHM: Of the night

SPRINGER: Bloody marvellous

Did you ever see Whose Line Is It Anyway? The former Radio 4 turned Channel 4 turned successful export to the US show provided the launchpad to a number of comedy careers including Caroline Quentin,Tony Slattery,Greg Proops and Merton himself. Born from the improvisational routines of

Summer in the City Events in Cardiff this summer

THEATRE

Educating Rita Sherman Theatre,June 117

Starring Ruth Jones (the legendary Myfanwy of Little Britain fame) and Steve Speirs (star of Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and Extras) in the leading roles,this production is a sure-fire success. Based on the 1983 film starring Julie Walters,the drama centres around Rita’s attempt at an Open University degree, and is set in modern day Cardiff. Welsh female singers provide the music, with the likes of Cerys Matthews and the lovely Jem.

Jerry Springer the Opera Wales Millennium Centre, June 12-17

It’s not everyday you hear swear words being enunciated in melodious,operatic tones. Characters in this controversial production include Jesus sporting a nappy,the Devil and his infamous cocked eyebrow, and a flamboyant transvestite in leopard-print leggings. If you like a bit of quirkiness and don’t mind a touch of blasphemy (you may have to dodge your way in past some evangelical nutters),this show is definitely for you.

Cats

New Theatre,June 20 - July 15

For all you feline fans out there, Cats,the enduring classic extravaganza,is soon coming to Cardiff. With its intricate choreography,stunning costumes and Lloyd Webber’s amazing music, Cats is deservedly the longest-running musical in West End history.

ART

New Paintings by Mike Briscoe

Martin Tinney Gallery,May 24 - June 17

This collection is vibrant, colourful and evocative,with a strong sense of detail. It focuses on the seaside,so expect images of lighthouses,beach cafés,sandcastles,seagulls and even a gorgeous surfer-type. Briscoe is particularly concerned with the qualities of light and shade,injecting his paintings with both realism and atmosphere.

Network Project: Engaging Women in the Arts Norwegian Church,Cardiff Bay,July 18-21

Organised by the Women’s Art Association,this exhibition celebrates the creative pieces produced over the last nine months on the current Community Arts

the Comedy Store Players, Whose Line? was, at its peak,the funniest thing on British TV. Merton’s new tour is essentially the same show in all but name. The games are almost the same,some of the players are the same (Merton,Jim Sweeney and Richard Vranch) and the gags are similar but a lot of fun nevertheless.

Drawing on suggestions from the audience,the chums - also including Lee Simpson,Suki Webster,Andy Smart and the brilliant Steve Frost - act out a variety of scenarios. In one Frost has to guess what occupation the crowd have given him (the person who puts four and half small boxes into a big box with a lobster to send to Djibouti, obviously) using clues from the other performers.

Another highlight is Sweeney and Smart

Project. The projecthas involved women from different communities across Cardiff,asking them to explore,through creative arts,their own concepts of identity and community.

Mark Halliday/Caroline Taylor BayArt,August 19September 30

An exhibition that charts the work of two slightly unconventional,anti-aesthetic artists. Both are interested in the nature of construction and sculpture itself. Taylor,for example,is interested in the derelict industrial buildings on the fringes of most modern cities,and recreates these forgotten structures through drawing and watercolour.

COMEDY

Laughing Matters: Best of Welsh Stand Up St David’s Hall,June 13

After all those exams,you may be in need of some banter. The show involves three sparky young Welsh comedians: Steve Williams, Lloyd Langford and Rhod Gilbert (winner of four comedy awards). Kick back and listen to them dissect the idiosyncrasies of modern life and narrate their own bizarre,off-the-wall tales. Tasha Prest - Smith

playing a game where Smart speaks an obscure Mongolian dialect which is then translated by Sweeney. On the surface not that funny,but Smart had to express his love for ‘yaks’ and ‘Subbuteo’ as suggested by the audience.

It’s good stuff and gratifying to see a show shaped by the audience’s suggestions. But,at times,without the editing afforded by TV it’s a bit am-dram and there’s a real struggle to get to the punchline (although Merton offsets this with a sheep impression whenever a good laugh is needed).

Perhaps it needed a smaller surrounding than the cavernous St David’s,but still it was worth the ticket price,if only for being able to shout out ‘SUBBUTEO’ at the top of your voice.

Will Dean

THEAUTOMATIC: Monster munchers

On Auto-pilot

Eight months after Quench tipped 2006 as their year, Sam Coare gets to grips with the Automatic’s debut offering

Quite who makes the decision as to what genre a band falls into is beyond me. For the sole purpose of Not Accepted Anywhere,I’m hoping it’s the task of the lazy journalist,hyphenating a few words to create a new,Pitchfork-endorsed sub-category. Oh, how I’d feel clever doing that.

Disappointingly,it’s probably a direction decided from the off. That,for Cowbridge’s the Automatic (the latest great Welsh hope following the Manics’ new solo direction,the Lostprophets’ nosedive into obscurity and the GLC’s waning comedy value),started at sweet 16. Four years on,establishing quite where we’re going with this should be easier.

variety may be the spice of life,we need a fair degree of consistency to keep us on the rails,its jittered guitars fleetingly leading the way. It should act as a platform for Not Accepted… to take off. Raoul follows and we’re flirting with the possibility of something special,before Keep Your Eyes Peeled changes from the successful formula,it’s stop-start nature doing so much of the prior that we’re too lethargic to care about the latter. It’s a drained,burnt-out analogy for much of what follows. “So much trash on the radio today,” vocalist Rob Hawkins assesses. The irony isn’t lost on us.

idol band-ter

1) If you could be anyone in the world for 24 hours,who would you be and why?

Pennie: “I’d probably have to say Ghandi. Simply because I would be able to get away with wearing a nappy.”

Rob: “I'd be the Dalai Llama,just to see how calm he really is.I bet he gets angry when he stubs his toe.”

2) If you could have a signature piece of equipment,what would it look like?

P: “I would definitely have a strap on laser harp.There’s one a bit like it in techniquest,it only plays a note when you break the beam.”

R: “I'd have a signature piano,like a cockpit where all the keys are laid out in a semi-circle around you and the white keys glowed in the dark,for midnight recitals.”

3) What’s your favourite album of the last 12 months?

P: “I haven’t really wanted to buy any new music in the last 12 months,I’ve bought some awesome stuff but it hasn’t been new,like the Bronx,YourCodeNameIs:Milo and the Mars Volta,without a doubt.”

R: As Far As The Eye Can See by People In Planes.They're fantastic live and they've now produced an album where every track is intelligent,immediately accessible and bloody good.”

4) When and where was your happiest moment?

“

“So much trash on the radio today,” - vocalist Rob Hawkins assesses. The irony isn’t lost on us

The following Recover and Monster save some face,before Lost At Home strikes the killer blow; a pained anthemic cross-over best left never thought about,let alone commited to record. “There must be something I am missing,” emotes Hawkins,in turn collectivly summing up You Shout,YouShout..., Seriously...I Hate You Guys and Team Drama better than it would seem possible.

P: “I suppose I should say something boring like when we got signed or something, although I think it was probably my 12th birthday.I had a dinosaur cake with horns. It was a triceratops and it stood up and everything.It was amazing.”

There’s no confusion in the band’s three lead singles: Raoul a fractured,disco-led hotstep; Recover a linear,blindfolded charge, with Monster swinging somewhere between a rock,a hard place and a static ball. Each to their own,despite the obvious differences.

The variation works to an extent. Opener That’s What She Said epitomises how,though

Ultimately, Not Accepted... demands,and indeed is afforded,multiple listens,but only as a determined effort to establish quite what it is we’re hearing. It’s confusingly likeable,given its apparent desire to estrange a conclusive opinion. Its biggest success is posing more questions than it offers answers; perhaps its biggest confusion, meanwhile,lies in where acceptance meets acclaim,and where the Automatic quite see themselves in the bigger picture.

6/10 Sam Coare

R: “It's pretty hard to pinpoint my exact happiest moment ever.I've had some moments recently when I've been totally happy and satisfied with everything important in my life,which makes me pretty lucky.”

5) If you had a TV channel,what would be on it?

P: “Loads of Jay and Silent Bob movies,and Groundforce,because you need to be reminded that you’re better than some people.”

R: “A documentary called Crisps of the World which takes a look at the different varieties around the world.”

Pennie

PHOTO: Peter Hill

THE FEELING Twelve Stops And Home Island

Funny feeling in my tummy

AH,HERE WE ARE,another indie-rock band, submerged and swimming in pop. Ooh and with a piano thrown in.

Unless you’re hoping for drum kit smashing,punk-screaming interspersed with their school-boy vocals,the Feeling’s debut album does not disappoint. The immediate feelgood beats and Beach Boy chanting of the first song continue throughout. Simplicity breeds catchiness and all. You would be forgiven for thinking at first glance that there was limited assortment to the songs,but take another and these are not just repetitions of those you know from the radio. Particularly,lyrics like “my heart is crawling in the mud mud mud”,and an unexpectedly immense guitar solo makes Helicopter standout from the crowd.

Just in time for the summer,I expect you’ll be hearing the Feeling's jaunty sounds a lot more on the radio,at boozey barbeques and such like. It’s non-offensive,it’s nice,they seem nice. Maybe invite them for a sausage or two. 7/10 Rosie Powling

NEIL YOUNG Living With War Reprise

Never one to shirk the opportunity for political comment,Canada's favourite son turns his attention to President Bush and the ongoing war in Iraq. Subtlety is not an option,it seems,as Young lets rip into the currentleader and his adminstration.

Hastily recorded,the record has a strong community feel to it; Young’s trademark grungey sound bolstered by brass,horns and choirs. Vocally he hasn’t sounded as impassioned for years,and the strong melodies are something that has been lacking in recent times also.

But it’s all a bit hit and miss. Lyrically,the songs work when they deal with specifics,as on Flags Of Freedom - an affecting tale of a brother’s parade out before going to war,told from the point of view of his young sister.

Elsewhere,however,on Let’s Impeach The President, Young slips into the kind of toss peddled by Michael Moore and the like. He really should be above this sort of thing. Maybe he’ll never learn. 6/10 EJ Price

EIGHT ALBUMSand a greatest hits isn’t a bad knock for a group saddled with the deathly tag of being a ‘comedy band’ (this may well be what the title refers to).

Yes, National Express was a bit crap and main-man Neil Hannon wrote the Father Ted theme (as well as Ted and Dougal’s ‘Eurosong’ entry My Lovely Horse) but Hannon is,very subtly,one of Britain’s best songwriters. And no,not for rhyming ‘jolly hostess’ with ‘National Express’.

Anyway,to the new one. Victory… is classic Hannon. Pianos bounce over lyrics which cover the likes of virgin love (To Die A Virgin), lonely old ladies on the Côte d’Azur (A Lady Of A Certain Age) and,er,Arthur C Clarke. It all works like only a DC album can.

Like most of British music’s underappreciated gems,we’ll miss them (well,him,as the band is mainly Hannon) when they go. For now though,take pleasure in the magic of the Divine Comedy. Dante would be proud. 8/10 Will Dean

“Let’s just call them the saviours of leftfield music”

TV On The Radio

HOPE OF THE STATES Left Columbia

Cape of good hope

OOOOH,WHAT’S THIS? A build up followed by a slightly louder section,magnificent stuff from the HOTS? Bit worrying though, there’s some ruddy references to The Good Fight and Industry and stuff that brings the sweet taste of Bono to my dirty mouth (good lord i’d love to take Bono in my dirty mouth while The Edge played some guitar nearby and the drummer drummed in the distance,mmm).

I might cry when I next see Bono and have to accept that he ripped off Hope Of The States with his lovely music. U2 are an upand-coming act from Ireland who you should keep your ears open for. Mmm,lovely stuff.

But this is about Hope Of The States and boy-oh-boy this,their second album,does mainly the same as their previous record with a bit more strings,a bit less marching and not a great deal of interest. Formulaic, large,beat-laden and fruity.

I’d recommend the purchasing of this record,yet I wouldn’t expect you to be placing it in the centre of your shrine to all things music. 5/10

Harold Shiel

Thom Tatom

SANDI THOM Smile... It Confuses People RCA

OH DEAR.HOT ON the heels of an internet buzz (where hundreds of thousands tuned into live webcasts from her basement) comes Sandi Thom’s debut album,which includes the inexplicably successful, absolutely dreadful single I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker

Let’s consider this song for a moment. A rose-tinted look at the 60s and 70s,it features lyrics seemingly culled from bad GCSElevel poetry (“when accountants didn’t have control,and the media couldn’t buy your soul/when computers were still scary,and we didn’t know everything”) and singing so excruciatingly overwrought it’s best to remove easily breakable objects from within reaching distance whenever it comes on.

Elsewhere,Thom treads similar,subDawson’s Creek soundtrack waters such as on turgid ballad Lonely Girl (“in this mixed-up, messed-up world”) and the cliché-ridden token acoustic closer Time. So offensively inoffensive it makes me want to cry. And break things. Frantically. At the same time. 3/10

James Skinner

TV ON THE RADIO Return To Cookie Mountain 4AD

ECLECTIC DOESN’Teven begin to cover it. TOTR’s Debut album Desperate Youth,Blood Thirsty Babes was a marvel myriad of concave sounds,but this - their next full-fat offering - journeys to a whole new level of sonic aceness with whirring bass,solemn trumpets and fuzzy beats all confidently attacking each other in the mix.

It starts with what sounds like an armada of ships docking,a gospel choir and then a car crash in a tunnel on I Was A Lover,which ticks,jumps and buzzes like a panophobe trapped in a kennel.

Roomy highlights continue to come thick and fast with the spacious Province,the racey,exhausting Wolf Like Me and the shatteringly expansive and brilliant Hours – a vacuous planet of a song,all tribal drums and chalky vocals.

If anything the album journeys in so many different directions it’s difficult to digest in one go,but we’re in a frivolous mood,so let’s just call them the saviours of leftfield music. But just for today. 8/10

Greg Cochrane

Crazy horses,wahh wahh

Thom Thom

Cookie monsters

LIGHTNING BOLT

The Point Monday May 22

Tonight is special,very special. This is the first time Lightning Bolt have dared venture over the bridge and into Wales and it’s set to be enormous. But first Volcano,hotly tipped,from all who know,to take the world by storm,an eruption is nigh etc… Beats,both programmed and teased from the skins,collide with guitar hooks aplenty,all gracefully topped with playful squeals. At times awkward but at others magnificent Volcano are definitely worth keeping an eye on.

DJ Scotch Egg announces the Bolt; drums, bass,Brian,(another) Brian and shitloads of distor tion. As the crowd sways and surges around this dark corner of The Point,the two of them are relentless. The respect is astounding; the security struggles to curb the crowd,yet,when Mr Chippendale rises from the kit,he simply parts the waves with an elaborate sweep of his arms, all the time speaking in tongues through his distor ted mask.

It seems ever yone here is a believer and even when 13 Monsters is unleashed nothing can hold them back. Tonight is a natural disaster,but in the best possible way.

Harold Shiel

MORRISSEY

St David’s Hall Monday May 15

Morrissey is head over heals nell’amore with everything Italia,firmly in love and having fun. It’s a rejuvenated and handsome Mozza that owns every inch of St David’s grand stage,decorated with Mediterranean red,white and green. He’s glowing after a stint soaking up the romanticism of Rome – the quaking grandeur of a city that he’s captured and filtered into the architecture of buoyant latest offering Ring Leader Of The Tormentors, which he plays the majority of tonight.

Resplendent and theatrical in a tight purple shirt and emerald lighting,he squeezes the hands of fans at the front before launching into opener Fir st Of The Gang To Die as hundreds of Moz-a-likes surge from their seats to the edge of the stage. Every swing of the mic wire like a lasso,and every delicate rearranging of his immaculate quiff is greeted with a coo - a permanent grin fixed on his lips,he stands triumphant in front of a set of orange sirens.

Of those new cuts, The Youngest Was The Most Loved pulsates like a tanned piece of menacing brilliance,and despite sounding

I KNOW A LOT of peoplewho hate the Kooks,which is probably the easy and ‘cool’ thing to do These people have probably not seen them live,because there is no denying that they are,quite simply, superb at what theydo. Lights up,Kooks on,music in face,full force.

like hair-rockers Aerosmith (circa 1997’s Nine Lives), I Will See You In Far Off Places is a spicy exotic stomper. Mozza sounds refreshingly liberated (“My heart feels free”),like on Please God Help Me, where the veteran ironically sounds more youthful than ever,resembling a teenager stealing their first hoochsoaked kiss on a garden bench. Dry as ever, he wryly quips,“this one’s dedicated to Fathers’ Day” before strutting into the saltry The Father Who Must Be Killed.

Old favourites are few and far between though,with Girlfriend In A Coma,Still Ill and How Soon Is Now? representing the Smiths quota, but still retain all their original charm. However the wildest point comes when the Salford serenader peels off one of his many shirts,tosses it into the crowd and blithely ignores the ensuing scrum.

He returns sweat drenched for a brief encore with the spiky English Blood Irish Heart,before taking a swift bow - starring into 1500 of the most devoted smiles.

Greg Cochrane

There are also a lot of people who love the Kooks,hence their platinum selling debut album; a lot of these people are here, screaming.Their songs are all strong,with simple structure and huge choruses,which is a recipe for a big old sing-a-long. Indie-pop anthems in the formof Eddie’s Gun and You Don’t Love Me cause the screaming contingent to erupt in a violent teenage mess. There are some quiet,more thoughtful moments as well, in songs such as Seaside,adding dimension after dimension to an ever-developing set.

THE KOOKS Solus Wednesday May 17

There is a diverse nature to the Kooks’ sound, a sense of their parents’ record collections and the past shining through. From Bowie to funk to some sort of Reggae bonanza. It’s fun,it’s new and it’s actually pretty good,so maybe sometimes it’s better to not be ‘cool’. Sofie Jenkinson

PHOTOS: Adam Gasson

PHOTO:Tom Howard

PHOTOS:Adam Gasson

STEPHEN PATRICK: Performing the frontal thrust

Lightning Bolt: Obviously mental

KOOKS: Kuckoo

MOZ:Likes a veggie sausage

MAYBE THIS SHOULDbe in the Travel section? Because recently TV Desk went for a weekend away. We went to Pontins at Camber Sands,and by sheer coincidence this coincided with the greatest shindig known to indie-snobbery: All Tomorrow’s Parties.

This is the place where like-minded people say the names of your favourite bands before you do. Where the only fight you're likely to get into is over at which point during Goo Sonic Youth sold out. Where half the girls look like male Belle & Sebastian fans and you wake up in the comfort of a proper bed while TV Neil makes you scrambled egg and Trapped In The Closet(Parts 1 - 12) is on ATP TV.

The first two bands of the festival made this the best I’ve ever been to without even trying,as Herman Dune serve as Mount Eerie’sbacking band in a sort of aural threesome. Skip through the arcade (maybe stop for a game of air hockey?) and head upstairs to watch Elisa Ambrogio of the Magik Markers paw at her guitar with a toothbrush.

Broken Social Scene pretty much confirm themselves to be the most exciting band in the world at the moment,playing all the high points from their last two albums and even being joined by J Mascis (of Dinsosaur Jr “fame”) soloing all over Almost Crimes,causing some sort of synchronised orgasm throughout the whole crowd.

A Saturday in West Sussex is not unlike one in South Wales. Tank yourself up to your eyeballs with any liquor within grappling distance and then ponce about not entirely convinced what planet you’re on. Hairy Swedes Dungen also perform a neat twirl in the direction of freak-easy psychedelia,only in the traditional wizards ‘n’ Hawkwind sense,which comes heartily recommended. But it’s not just music for cack-eyed dope fiends, my friends. You can sample the devastation of the Black Heart Procession,who sound like Nick Cave drowning a swan,or downstairs you can lay back and let Joanna Newsom and her harp coo you to sleep. If you could actually hear her,that is.

TRioteers Sleater-Kinney headline,and while consistently mind-blowing on record,a 90-minute jam session can only cause the less festival-friendly form of freakout,the snooze. Unless you’re TV Gareth,in which case they can do no wrong.

Those with the Rennies and the working kettles would have caught Destroyer. Part time New Pornographer,and full time hearton-sleeve Dylan/Young-esque balladeer, Dan Bejar and band proved to be the unexpected success,and utter revelation,of the weekend.

A more expected success naturally washed ashore with the Decemberists,from the same town,and indie-pop sensibilities, as the day’s curators,the Shins - only more anglophilic,rustic and frankly nuts,than their neighbours. TV John is too busy being wankered,wearing a dress,dancing on a chair to Shellac to see much of the New Pornographers,but Neil took a picture of a couple fucking in their chalet,which was much more enlightening.

The Shins themselves proved workmanlike,efficient,and with pop sensibilities. Which roughly translates as being a bit dull really,but if you’ve got songs as awesome as Kissing the Lipless and Caring is Creepy,it's pretty difficult to exceed such standards. All in all,the best weekend of my life. Throw your tents away and bring along your hair straighteners. Grass stains are for hippies.

TV Desk make their long-awaited pilgrimage to All Tomorrow’s Parties, while Xpress Radio’s Jen Long decamps to the seaside for Brighton’s Great Escape...The festival season is officially GO!

ake three days in Brighton,mix 18 different venues with 180 bands,sprinkle with a handful of late-night parties, serve with hair of the dog and you’ll be consuming the Great Escape Festival. Dubbed as the UK’s answer to South By South West: you will drink,you will dance and you will see an obscene amount of very different artiststoo many to fit into one 400-word article. The festival is guaranteed to create mixed reviews due to the multi-stage set up. However,three bands stood out to define my weekend beginning with the Spinto Band on Thursday at the Audio venue. Recently named by Quench as “the nicest band in pop”,this was confirmed as they agreed to post-gig high-fives while half of Cardiff’s Dirty Perfect narrowly avoided being punched by a man in a dress. On stage,however,the room suddenly became brighter,light reflecting off their beaming smiles. They fly through hits Direct To My Helmet and Mountains,greeted with cheers and jubilant whoops throughout,each song so catchy and delivered with such enthusiasm it seemed the group were having just as much fun as the crowd. Even album tracks Oh Mandy and Brown Boxes,featuring a threepart kazoo-led breakdown,keep the room

bouncing in time with the Spinto lads’ nodding heads.

From pop-rock we move onto Friday and art-rockers Ladyfuzz take to Transgressive Records’ own stage at the Ocean Rooms. A lazy description of Ladyfuzz places them as a British Yeah Yeah Yeahs: no bass,crazed frontwoman,and a sound which eludes genre definitions. However,they possess more of a sense of humour,a greater innovation on standard song construction and,again,excellent use of kazoos. Watching guitarist Matt’s feet skip across an effects board so big it would make any musician suffer pedal envy is as hypnotic as the carefully choreographed use of cowbells on album title track Kerfuffle Frock-rock wearing brogues, Hot Club de Paris are my new favourite band. Opening Pressure Point on the Friday,the three Liverpudlians begin with an a capella welcoming and quickly fire through their repertoire of angular,intellectual jerk-pop. Future single Sometimes It’s Better Not To Put Bits Of Each Other,In Each Other,For Each Other makes you laugh and past moshi moshi compilation track Shipwreck makes you dance. Think the Futureheads meets the Young Knives. Actually,don’t think – just see them now.

TOP: Ladyfuzz

MIDDLE: Our reviewer,drunk?

BOTTOM: Über-effects

PHOTOS:Jen Long

TOP LEFT: Herman Dune RIGHT: The Gossip

e g i n a M o n o l o g u e s

James Skinner shares his literary love with Moscow-come-New York-based songstress Regina Spektor

To watch Regina Spektor sing is to fall in love with her. Her gigs often open with a song minus any instrumentation,which tends to generate such fervent silence among her audiences it’s pretty clear that they’ve all fallen in love with her too. What’s more,the feeling’s mutual; discussing her last UK tour (which she enjoyed ‘very much’),she considers audiences here “lovely – really supportive”. Honestly,any time Regina.

At once seductive,playful and cute – in a painfully sexy sort of way – she is also in possession of a unique songwriting talent and strikingly original voice,and over the course of three albums has cultivated a status so large that she was personally invited to open for the Strokes on their 2003 world tour.

Defining her style is tough – songs range from twinkling,lovelorn (albeit biblically influenced) ballads such as Samson,to bizarre character studies and observations on life. The only constant is her virtuoso piano playing and experimental vocal delivery,which can range from a breathless hip-hop style to that of a purring chanteuse - often in the same song,such as the baffling,brilliant, Pavlov’s Daughter

She was born in Moscow,1980,to a Russian-Jewish family who emigrated to Europe before the Bronx,New York,when Regina was nine years old. A highly musical

family,she started learning classical piano at six,and by her own admission listened to “a lot” of classical music (and still does). It wasn’t long however,she says,before she discovered “rock and roll and pop and all that good stuff,” and began to write her own songs. Asking about her influences brings forth mention of the Beatles,Radiohead, Queen,Bob Dylan,Billie Holiday and “so many more.”

“ Seductive,playful and cute - in a painfully sexy sort of way - she is also in possession of a unique songwriting talent

Given the story-based nature of much of her music,I’m keen to see where she draws inspiration. Are they personal,at all? “Well, not really. It’s pretty much all made up. I’ve got lots of songs in my head that I’ve never written down.” Her songs often display a strong literary angle (Fitzgerald and Hemingway are both name-checked in Poor Little Rich Boy),leading me to ask whether she’s ever been tempted by writing novels or theatre.

“Oh yeah,definitely. I haven’t had the chance yet,but I think I would really like to.

I think it would be a very new experience for me,‘cause it would sorta take a lot more… prolonged concentration and organizational skills,but hopefully one of these days I’ll get motivated to do that.”

Right now she’s reading a lot of the Japanese author Haruki Murakami (“wonderful”),and acknowledges the impact of different authors in her work – “it’s hard to narrow it down.” Despite being a little distracted during our interview,it has to be said that Regina makes for endearing conversation, giggling throughout and showing remarkable enthusiasm for her work. She is infectiously excited about her forthcoming album,which looks set to be a far more collaborative effort than her predominantly solo albums past.

“I’ve finished it! It’s called Begin To Hope Nick from the Strokes played guitar on one of the songs,along with some more guitarists, my producer David Conn played bass on a bunch of songs,and we also had a really wonderful saxophone player Ralphie Williams. Oh,and there’s a drummer! I’ve got the drummer from Saturday Night Live too!”

Although this new direction will no doubt concern some fans and potentially dilute her distinctive sound,it also looks set to very much raise her profile – and when singers this enchanting appear,it just wouldn’t be fair if they remained a secret forever.

THEYOUNGKNIVES: Us and our spoons

The Young Knives formed,originally,in 1999. “We were really rubbish,” concedes The House of Lords,the band’s rotund bassist (so-named because,like a one-man revising chamber,he vetoes his bandmates’ ideas). “We wrote a very sort of twee indie,” continues Henry Dartnall, vocalist and brother of the House. “A horrible mix of acid jazz and Ned’s Atomic Dustbin. We were quite young and naïve.”

Following university,the band reconvened and,after dumping the horrible and the twee, found themselves at the forefront – well,the margins – of a post-Strokes zeitgeist. “It’s funny,” says Henry,“because we’ve been doing this since about 2000,this kind of punky,rocky thing. We were pioneers of new-

wave new-wave. Probably the only reason we’ve had some success is because that became fashionable and popular.”

Something that distinguishes some of the finest purveyors of the ‘punky-rocky’ thing –from the Ramones and the Buzzcocks,via Supergrass and Pulp,to the Libertines and the Rakes – is an acute sense of what makes good pop. The Ramones,for example – behind the bowl-cuts and the leather –were hugely indebted to 60s girl-groups like the Ronettes and the Supremes. This is something that’s evident in the Young Knives sound,particularly on 2002 EP The Young Knives… Are Dead. “I think the stuff we grew up listening to had that sensibility,stuff like Pavement and the Pixies,” says drummer

HENRYDARTNALL: Forking brill’

Oliver Askew,who looks like a young Stephen Hawking. “You think we sound like girls?” the House of Lords chips in.

Perhaps concerned by NME references to ‘clever-cleverness’,and the possibility of people misreading their 1960s Open University lecturers look,the band are keen to stress that their lyrics aren’t overly intellectual. The House of Lords: “Good songs are about stuff that you recognise. A good song about,say,the Russian revolution would be about somebody you could associate with because he’s scared,because he’s going to get killed,rather than the history of the Russian revolution,you know what I mean.” Henry laughs at his brother. “Oh fuck off then,” retorts The House of Lords,“You

“ A horrible mix of acid jazz and Ned’s Atomic Dustbin,we were quite young and naïve

do that song about the ship closures.”

They played the South By Southwest festival in Austin,Texas,in March – a must,it seems,for British bands on the up. Henry: “There were loads of English bands there. It was a bit like a busman’s holiday really. I just enjoyed watching bands I’ve never heard of.”

Any recommendations? “There was a band called Cold War Kids – quite Doors-y.” Did Austin confound their expectations of Texas? “Yeah,definitely,” reaffirms Henry. “Not that I’ve visited the rest of Texas. I’ve heard it’s not quite as leftfield.’ Austin is home to lots of students and,suggests The House of Lords,lots of hippies: “I managed to meet a guy who’s run for Mayor about three times and he just wanders the streets wearing women’s underwear.”

The Young Knives,unlike the Mayoral candidate,enjoyed some success in Austin and, with Andy ‘Gang of Four’ Gill-produced Voices Of Animals And Men out in August,they’ll be keen to build on that. As Henry points out, “We’ve all done shit jobs; being in a band’s a lot better.”

Post-university brain-boxes the Young Knives have applied themselves to intelligent indie. HarryRose finds out if they’re going to get full marks

BOOKS IS GREAT:

It’s our final issue of the year! And here in Books we end much the way we started,with a clutch of glowing reviews featuring the very best in contemporary and foreign fiction. Treats awaiting you in this supersized spectacle include: a belated review of Ali Smith’s brilliant,award-winning The Accidental; Gautan Malkani’s superb,soon to be massive Londonstani; and a look at the controversial James Frey’s follow-up to A Million Little Pieces So he elaborated a little? The man can write. Numerous other gems can be found among these pages,including the latest issue of McSweeney’s,the re-released short stories of Japanese legend Ryunosuke Akutagawa and Faiza Guene’s fabulous first novel. Perhaps the centrepiece of this end-of-year beast,however,is our whopping great interview with the fantastically talented and unfeasibly young Rattawut Lapcharoensap,author of Sightseeing, where he discusses,well,all sorts. It’s only two pages away. Feast your eyes!

THE ACCIDENTAL

Ali Smith

Penguin

AFTER ALI SMITH’S PRIZE-GUZZLING success with her last novel Hotel World,you’d be forgiven for thinking that she’d be hard pushed to follow it up. Then,however, The Accidental was born,and it’s been sauntering up the staircase of success ever since. Winner of the 2005 Whitbread Novel of the Year Award, The Accidental is an imaginative and illuminating novel,that has quickly grappled it’s way into my Top Five books,a near impossible feat.

The novel is split into three sections: the beginning, middle and end; and yes,it may seem a bit clichéd,but it’s truthful,a theme greatly suggested throughout.

The story is based around the outwardly average-enough Smart family,holidaying in Norwich and their introduction,seduction and eventual upheaval caused by the elusive Amber, a bare-footed stranger who turns up unexpectedly on their holiday house doorstep.

Amber is magnetic,not only to the family, who all in their own ways become reliant and attached to her presence,but as a character too. Too little do we get to delve into the mind of such an intricate character,whose upbringing (mainly her conception in a cinema café) preoccupy her,and leave her capable of trampling over the Smart family’s

boundaries and forcing them to perceive their lives in completely different ways.

However,denial into Amber’s subconscious is easily forgiven when compared to the experience of hearing Astrid,the 12 year-old film and cleanliness fanatic,who opens up the beginning section with her 12 year-old thoughts on beginnings. At first,I was struck, unable to appreciate the language used by Astrid,but then it hit me. I’m not 12,but when I read this section I damn well felt I could have been again. Those lost thoughts forgotten now due to years of conditioning,teaching and let’s face it, squashing of our younger selves suddenly emerge through Smith’s extraordinar y use of language and Astrid thoughts and observations will soon become familiar. Whatever your sex,once you have read Astrid’s sections,you’ll not just remember being 12,you’ll revert back to then.

MY FRIEND LEONARD

James Frey

John Murray

A Million Little Pieces has both sold by the truckload and found itself deep in controversy.Here’s the follow up!

MY FRIEND LEONARD is a documentation of Frey’s struggle with postrehab and prison sobriety,intensified by the unexpected suicide of his intended love. In his distinguished,visceral prose,he relates the story of his everyday battle with addiction as he endeavours primarily to stay alive,and later,build a life. His closest ally is Leonard,a mafia boss and father figure from rehab who lavishes love and affection on Frey at any opportunity; he is mythically effective. Their friendship and Frey’s journey are impossibly touching,drawing the reader into Frey’s cognitive processes as he rediscovers tiny,mundane activities that symbolise his freedom and make him feel alive: a bad job, amusing buildings,a good night’s sleep.

The language isn’t the only draw to The Accidental. What seems like a comparatively simple narrative for such a modern novel is full of hidden depths. Within each character there are sinister stories of their life,pondered on for only a moment within their subconscious. Magnus,the older son, covers his fear that he was responsible for a schoolgirl’s death; Astrid hints she is subjected to bullying at school. But these issues are dealt with so elegantly and realistically that they fade in and out of the main narrative,providing explanations but not excuses.

The Accidental is by far the best book I have read all year. The language,storytelling and completely realistic,endearing characters are so close to perfection that I can’t fault it. 9/10 Avalyn Beare

ALI SMITH: Impish

“A touching account of one man’ s r ecover y from the jaws of death”

There can be few things in life more inspiring than witnessing a loved one revive their lust for life after hitting rock bottom and Frey’s mother’s tears of joy at the realisation that her son will survive are genuinely emotional.

His perspective on life was altered and his account is joyful; he was a broken man,and broken men who recover harbour,above all, the ability to recognise absolutely what is invaluable: good friends,a healthy mind,loved ones. Like in the Dave Pelzer Child Called It series,you don’t begrudge the happy ending after following his ups and downs and obser ving the subject grasping control of their lives.

The book is a brilliantly addictive,vivid,touching account of one man’s recovery from the jaws of death,but most importantly,it’s a motherfucking fine yarn, as Leonard would say.

9/10 Tom Howard

2005’s Whitbread Novel of the Year lives up to its acclaim

JAMESFREY: Bearded

Thai sticks

Rattawut Lapcharoensap

discusses Sightseeing,his dual upbringing in Chicago and Bangkok,and the state of Thailand

ABOVE: Lapcharoensap doing some sittin’ FARRIGHT: Author’s birth place,Chicago RIGHT: The paperback edition of Sightseeing

You were born in Chicago,and raised both there and in Bangkok. How did this come about,and do you think it affected you much with regard to insights on the different cultures of Thailand and the United States? Was it difficult for you?

RL: Like most children,I had very little say about the matter. I just went where my parents went. During the 1970s,my parents were labour activists in Thailand. It was a bad time to be such a thing,and after a brutal coup in October of 1976,they somehow ended up in Chicago. That’s why I was born there. We returned to Bangkok when I was three years old,but returned to Chicago once more when I was seven so that they could pursue postgraduate degrees.

We returned once more to Bangkok when I was 11,and I returned on my own for a university degree when I was 17. It was – to say the least – a geographically hyperactive childhood. It wasn’t particularly difficult for me (though it was,I think,quite difficult for them,since we never had much money).

Children adjust to far worse - every day,all over the world - I suspect,and it would be a bit rich of me to complain.

All this relocation showed me that things are never so natural as they seem. What may be common and familiar in one context can seem quite foreign and unnatural in another. The worlds of Bangkok and Chicago didn’t seem to communicate much. They seemed separate planets,in a way. I suppose that this is useful for a writer – the defamiliarization of things. The world can seem very strange when you’re a child being shuttled back and forth across the world.

What was it that made you want to become a writer?

Reading,pure and simple. Another sideeffect of constant relocation is that you end up spending enormous amounts of time by yourself. I sought company in books,and they gave me great joy,and I wanted,somehow,to learn to do the same for others. I still do.

Do you consider yourself as having any major influences/are there any writers you particularly admire?

I admire far too many writers to name here,but my first literary love,I suppose, was James Baldwin. I remember encountering his work for the first time when I was 17 – Go Tell It On the Mountain, Another Country,etc – and something about his vision and his prose kept me up at night.

How did the collection of short stories that is Sightseeing come about,and were they always intended for release together?

I simply wrote the stories one at a time, never thinking that they would come together as a collection. But soon enough I had about fifteen stories,and I saw that a thematic spine seemed to run through several of them. I was also broke at the time.

Do you enjoy writing in the short-story format?

I love the short story. Give me a beautiful short story over a mediocre novel any day.

The critical reaction to Sightseeing has been overwhelmingly positive. What is your

take on this,and do you feel any pressure to live up to it as a young writer?

It’s been really wonderful to get responses from readers – and positive responses, of course,can be kind to an ego (though when the responses are good for the wrong reasons it can be equally damaging). Any ‘pressure’ I might feel these days seems identical to the ‘pressure’ I felt before the collection got published: the pressure to write,and write as well as I can.

In your stories you paint a picture of Thailand at odds with the white beaches and magnificent temples the Western tourism industry relays to us. It’s a big question – and one you explore throughout the book – but how do you feel about the effects of tourism on the country? Farangs depicts a mother and son both damaged in some way by the actions of Americans.

I’m not sure that I can provide an answer. I’m not a sociologist or a political theorist. I’m a fiction writer. As such,however, tourism creates a set of interesting conditions for somebody who wants to write fiction. It’s a social complex with strong contradictions,an enormous amount of ambivalence,and real economic and physical costs. It’s ripe fictional terrain for me,though it may not be for others and its presence in Thailand is virtually unavoidable. In tourism, you tend to have the richest of the rich rubbing shoulders with the poorest of the poor and when disparate social classes – the strangest of strangers – come together, things have a tendency to get very difficult, very quickly.

It’s enough for a fiction writer to simply dramatise these conditions,I think.

Chekhov once said – and I’m going to butcher it here – that fiction writers should ask the right questions,not provide any answers. Or something like that. I’m on his side.

Western writers such as Alex Garland and Nick McDonell have both prominently featured Thailand in their novels. Have you read them,and if so,do you think they depict the country accurately?

I read The Beach years ago and just finished The Third Brother. They’re both successful books,in their own way. I’m less concerned with sociological or historical ‘accuracy’ than I am with fictional ‘accuracy’: whether or not the characters’ worlds,as seen through their consciousness,are believable. As such,I feel that what Garland and McDonell call ‘Thailand’ in their novels is much different from what I tend to call ‘Thailand’ in my stories. And that’s just as well.

“ The world can seem very remarkable and very strange when you’re a child being shuttled back and forth across it

The theme of family strongly connects all the stories in Sightseeing – there is the mother and her son in Farangs,the bereaved family in Café Lovely,and the reflective,unhappy patriarch of Don’t Let Me Die in This Place to name just a few. The prevalence and impingement of loss upon its cast of characters is also strong. Why is this,do you think?

I’m not sure. There was a writer who once said that when writers talk about their own work they tend to sound like a horse’s ass. At the risk of sounding like a horse’s ass,I suppose that loss strongly "impinges" upon the characters in the collection because loss is always just around the corner for all of us, in our own particular ways. And I suppose that I write about "families" because,well,I have one. Like I said: a horse’s ass.

I personally found the title story of the collection highly touching,where its narrator and his mother take a holiday in the country ("just like the tourists") before the gradual loss of her vision takes full effect. Could you tell us your feelings about this story, and the significance of its title?

I feel okay about the story. It’s one of the oldest in the collection. I wrote it soon after a childhood friend of my mother’s began to lose her vision. She didn’t tell anybody about it for a long time. We went out to dinner one night and she kept mismanaging her food and silverware,and her make-up seemed slightly,subtly,off-kilter,and when I heard a few months later that she’d gone blind,I

THAILAND: “Things have a tendency to get very difficult, very quickly” - Lapcharoensap on the tourism industry

started writing the story.

Your stories are told through some vastly different characters,such as the defiant young Thai girl who narrates Cockfighter through to the melancholy old American of Don’t Let Me Die in This Place. How easy (or difficult) was it for you to take on these different voices?

It’s always difficult for me,writing. I wish that I was one of those writers for whom ease and joy are a persistent part of their workday. (Are there such writers?) The business of fiction sometimes requires you to speak convincingly in other people’s voices, and the process can be quite taxing for me. It’s difficult to be somebody else in life,let alone be somebody else convincingly - artfully - on the page. But it’s worth it,I think. It’s a way to have an imagination.

Do you have a favourite story from Sightseeing,or one you’re most proud of?

No,not really. I wish them all well. I loved them once and now they’re gone,out in the world. They don’t even feel like mine any more.

Are you working on anything at the moment?

I’m currently working on a novel.

You spent some time in the UK. How did you find it?

I received a fellowship to work on my novel at the UEA. I loved my time in Norfolk, absolutely loved it,and often wish that I was still there,working in my Victorian mid-terrace,looking out over the rooftops of Norwich,at the chimneys in particular,which often reminded me of submarine periscopes.

Are there any other young writers you would recommend,or maybe feel an affinity with?

There are so many. To name a few that I found myself really admiring recently,just off the top of my head: Patrick O’Keeffe,Tash Aw,Eric Puchner,Julie Orringer,ZZ Packer, and Ben Rice. I could go on and on.

And finally,do you have any advice for aspiring young writers?

Gertrude Stein once said,"To write is to write is to write is to write is to write." Or something like that. I’ve always loved that. It’s the best advice I ever received.

James Skinner

Sightseeing in Quench 39

“THE DEBUT COLLECTIONfrom ThaiAmerican Lapcharoensap (written in his early twenties),it sees him take on a variety of narrative voices – young and old, male and female – culminating in seven beautifully written,profoundly moving tales set in a Thailand at odds with the one offered us by the tourism industry. Throughout this collection his command of language and dialogue is admirable,belying his tender years. Perhaps the greatest compliment you could offer this book is how it lingers in the imagination long after putting it down,as the best fiction should. A wholly accomplished debut that suggests the arrival of a major new force in literature.”

PICCADILLYCIRCUS:

Gautam Malkani 4th Estate

Malkani makes use of East London/Indian slang in this highly anticipated,electrifying debut novel

“Serve him right he got his muthafuckin’ face fuck’d,shudn’t be callin’ me a Paki,innit.” And so begins Londonstani. Ethnicity,if you hadn’t already guessed from the not-so-subtle title, is an issue this book confronts admirably head-on. However,it is as much about masculinity and youth culture as it is race,but more on that later. Context? Yes,please!

Malkani’s debut novel could be the print equivalent of the Arctic Monkeys’ debut album. That is to say it has been hyped to high heaven,placing a weight of expectation on its young author that has inevitably led to some ‘haters’ in the literary press (as the book might describe them). Not unlike the prose of Irvine Welsh (to whom Malkani has been favourably compared),the narration offered us by 19-year-old Jas is composed wholly of East London slang and SMS-esque dialect: ‘Yeh blud,safe,innit.’ The success of writers such as Zadie Smith and Monica Ali also looms large over Londonstani,which the broadsheets have called “the book everybody’s talking about.”

But let’s forget all that for now. Reviewin’ the book,innit?

It opens as our four principal characters –all retaking their A-levels – savagely beat a ‘gora’ (‘white-boy’). These are ‘Hard’jit,the group’s pumped,vicious ringleader; Amit, whose ‘family shit’ is taking its toll on him; Ravi,who is obsessed with gadgets and Bollywood actresses; and Jas (adopted by the group),who in his narration goes as far as to self-consciously stop himself using ‘poncey words’ as he tells his story.

The language present (“come now bre-

dren,dat’s nuff batterings you b givin him!”) does take some getting used to,but is remarkable,and for all the praise/criticism it has received,does a fantastic job in making this depiction of Hounslow life an authentic one. This is where Malkani grew up,and it’s safe to assume that the ‘desi’ wannabe gangsters he writes of are based around the disaffected youth that surrounded him,their vernacular modelled on theirs.

Jas himself makes for an intriguing central character: he won’t divulge his hard to pronounce surname (as “it’s so fuckin shameful”),and while he struggles with the violence of his lifestyle,he is so desperate for ‘rudeboy status’ (and the eye of a Muslim girl called Samira) that he rolls with it.

The four drive around Hounslow in Ravi’s pimped BMW yelling abuse at ‘coconut desis’ they see,discussing religion,girls and their ‘mobile fone’ scams,generally revelling in their status as one of the more feared crews in East London; never mind that they all live with their parents and are relatively well-off.

MCSWEENEY’S ISSUE 17

Various authors Hamish Hamilton

New McSweeney’s time! Once again wildly inventive,colourful,and featuring some vastly talented writers

Imagine it now: you’re sitting at the kitchen table,there’s a thump on the mat below your mail box,you finish off your boiled egg and soldiers and walk towards the front door,and awaiting you is a bundle of letters and leaflets. Some look friendly and inviting,others look official and warrant more caution. However this is no ordinary post experience,for in front of your eyes, looking like any old mail is McSweeney’s 17, part-short story,part-illustration; Dave Eggers and his quarterly literary pals have done it again.

I’m not joking when I say the journal looks like mail; the graphic design is impeccable; to the common eye it truly is just any old bundle of letters and pamphlets,but to the connoisseur it is an array of literary joy. This issue contains a host of short stories inside a book entitled Unfamiliar - A Twice Monthly Magazine of Different Fiction,and different it is indeed. The writing this month ranges from the delightfully engaging Soviet Room by Kenneth Koch,telling of a secret communist room in the narrator’s house,to a beautifully drawn graphic novel, both compassionate and deadly serious about American peace protectors in Iraq.

Ultimately,they find themselves embroiled in a phone racket far above their heads,and in the final third of the novel,tensions and possibilities signalled throughout come to an explosive head. Jas’ blunt,slightly naïve narration becomes oddly endearing the more this novel progresses – indeed,it is in the voices of characters such as their brazenly liberal English teacher Mr Ashwood. In attempting to illustrate the manner in which the government is failing inner-city schools and explaining the economy of the illegal phone market,Malkani sounds too much like the Financial Times journalist he also happens to be,and not a storyteller as such.

This is easily forgiven though. The world presented to us here is one rich with Tommy Hilfiger vests,PS2s and Samsung E700s. It is also one of pashmina shawls,bhangra-rap gigs in the afternoon and confused Sikh/Hindu rivalries. It feels real,even when the plot twists are unfeasible and the drama a touch overdone. Nuff respeck.

8/10 James Skinner

Each item in the package is a joy to behold with a particular favourite of mine being YETI Researcher: the Magazine of the Society for Cryptic Hominid Investigation. Believe you me folks,it doesn’t let down on the title. An entirely fictional journal about Yeti-searching it is. After fifteen minutes of being sucked into A Brief Bestiary of Chinese Hill Monsters,I almost forgot it was entirely fictional,a fact which made me slightly depressed.

But there’s one envelope which makes me happy above all the others. It’s A4 and just off-yellow,nothing particularly special from the outside,but oh what a treat awaits the opener. Inside is a variety of beautiful art and illustration prints from some truly wonderful artists,all of which now decorate my bedroom wall. Some are traditional and unalarming,and some are downright odd,but all of them are unique and joyous in their own different way. The longest story in the bundle is The Accident by Peter Ferry,a beautiful tale about a wrongly delivered letter.

As with all great short story collections,it would be impossible to sum up McSweeney’s 17 proficiently,but I know that I’ll never look at a bundle of letters the same again.

9/10 Will Hitchins

LONDONSTANI

‘Nuff commercialism

MALKANI: ‘Safe blud’

RASHOMON AND SEVENTEEN OTHER STORIES

Ryunosuke Akutagawa Penguin

The wonderful Haruki Murakami provides the introduction to this Japanese master

The first thing that caught my eye about this collection was that Haruki Murakami wrote the introduction. The second was the title. Legendary Japanese film-maker Akira Kurosawa did a touching film version of the title story combined with another of the stories in this collection, In A Bamboo Grove

These stories are marvellous explorations of Japanese morality via the depiction of the same scene of a murder in a bamboo grove through the eyes of all the people involved.

Akutagawa’s writing style is very officious and stripped of emotion; there is a certain functionality to his tales that makes them almost fablelike. His life,it appears,was fraught with sadness. He feared that he would inherit his mother’s madness and in the later more autobiographical works – The Life of a Stupid Man and perhaps the most poignant, Spinning Gears – you can feel his struggle with depression. He hung himself in 1927, leaving some wonderfully imaginative tales and some terribly insightful self-deprecation.

JUST LIKE TOMORROW

Faïza Guene (trans. Sarah Adams) Chatto and Windus

In a sense,this is kind of like a mega-selling French Londonstani.Oui oui,c’est fantastique!

Faiza Guene’s debut has kicked up quite a storm in her native France,where a subdued critical reception has not stopped it selling in vast quantities.

Released there in 2004,Guene wrote the book at 19 years of age,and whether for the right reasons or wrong,that shines through in this novel. Set in a run-down estate in Paris,we follow a year in the life of Doria,a disenchanted,15-yearold Muslim.

GUENE: Well popular in France

While his style is somewhat annoying at times when he chooses to indulge himself and make light of the circumstances under which he is writing,for the most part these are great snippets of Japanese pre-war culture and ideals. Haruki Murakami’s introduction nicely compliments the content,as rather than gush about how he loves this man unreservedly,his honesty about how he prefers others but respects Akutagawa is refreshing and believable. 7/10 Harold Shiel

BAMBOO:Has over a thousand household and industrial uses, including high quality paper

“a wonderfully composed, surprisingly uplifting novel”

P O T T Y

POTTER: The mood was fraught as the gang awaited Hermione’s clinic results

Comparisons to Gautam Malkani’s Londonstani are unavoidable given the themes Guene deals with,but more-so in her prose,which delights in capturing the slang of its young teenage narrator; while her work might make for a more satisfying read in its original language, the repetition of phrases such as “Oh my days” and “bare” – much like the colloquial speech in Malkani’s book – are refreshingly unforced and genuine. There’s even a French-Arabic glossary at the end of the story.

Doria herself is a wonderful,heartbreakingly put-upon central character; her teachers think she’s depressed,her bedraggled mother forgets her birthday,and her father (‘Mr How Big Is My Beard’) left the family months ago to have a son with a younger bride back in Morocco. The book reads like her journal, peppered with vignettes regarding everyday life in Paris and tales of her relatives,peers and acneravaged suitors. At only 192 pages, there is a sense that this story could have been fleshed out a little more, and Guene’s characters (other than Doria) afforded more resolution in their respective tales. For the most part,however,it is a wonderfully composed,surprisingly uplifting little novel. 7/10 James Skinner

Catherine Gee looks at the Harry Potter phenomenon

Of all the über-popular children’s novels,none have blurred the lines between young and old quite like Potter. Many a critic has held his or her arms up in despair at the sight of fully grown men and women openly reading their copies on the train. Bloomsbury even released a separate edition with a more ‘adult-looking’ cover in order to quell any embarrassment.

Their huge success has made author JK Rowling a not-to-be-sniffed-at $1 billion,and between them the films hold positions three,seven,nine and 16 in the highestgrossing films ever. So,regardless of whether the critics think culture as we know it has hit the skids,or the fundamental Christians believe that our children are going to become baby-eating devil worshippers,the statistics tend to point otherwise.

Alfonso Cuarón and Mike Newell brought a new darkness to Potter

As adaptations themselves they are,in many ways,accomplished works. Given that the books are held in such high regard by so many people,the filmmakers wisely left much of the subject matter untouched and only cut the sub-plots due to extreme time constraints.

The first two,directed by Chris Columbus, were very much aimed at children and can occasionally look a tad ropey. The emotions are over-dramatised and the children sound like they are being instructed to over-enunciate,but as they matured and when new, grown-up directors took the helm,some genuinely impressive films were made. Alfonso Cuarón and Mike Newell recognized that their audience was no longer mainly populated by ten-year-olds and brought a new darkness to Potter. We may only hope that David Yates continues this trend.

Digital Something for everyone this week as Digital tries to cater for all tastes

NLARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER LEGEND: Eidos Crystal Dynamics

When She’s Good...

owadays,you can’t have an action game without a bit o’ bullet-time. Tomb Raider Legends is no exception. Pull off one of Lara’s most impressive moves and you’ll be treated to a sepia-rich s-l-o-w-m-o f-e-s-t t-h-a-t i-s a-c-t-u-a-l-l-y quite annoying. The problem is,bullet time when executed correctly looks good and is functional,whereas here it’s just been added because everyone’s doing it.

Elsewhere,the newest edition to this tired series is actually pretty good. The controls and acrobatics benefit from a much needed overhaul meaning that,for a change,Lara is twice as lithe and only half as frustrating. The more original puzzles are truly excellent and the combat system is pleasantly responsive.

It’s a shame that the designers can’t claim that any of the additions to the series have been the result of original creativity. Prince of Persia dragged this series into modern playable territory (and it’s still better).

Interactive cut scenes stolen from Resident Evil 4 also make an appearance,as do rudimentary physics puzzles lifted from Half-Life 2. There are also clunky arcade sections involving riding a motorcycle which are utterly pointless.

None of these features are implemented fully. The game tries to pull off a deal of impressive feats,none of which are as satisfying as they are in the games they were stolen from. It’s not bad. It could actually be described as the Tomb Raider game to date; it’s just that that date should have been around three years ago. Legend is just too dated and too short (nine hours!) to entertain,despite its snazzy feature stealing. It can never hide the fact that behind the hype, this is just a platform game. Buy Warrior Within instead.

Sam Curtis

Let’s settle this FIFA vs Pro Evo debate

One of the longest-running debates in gaming history (well,five years anyway) is about to be concluded. “Is Pro Evo or FIFA the supreme footy title?” I hear you ask,to which the most appropriate response would be a big Harry Hill slap in the face. In case you hadn’t guessed, Pro Evo is the easy winner,letting the on-field action do the talking along with its steadily improving graphics. FIFA,on the other hand,is merely a device used by EA to re-brand (without even polishing) a turd every six months because there are still enough muppets out there to finance it.

Alex Wallis

Return of the Pac Pac-Man World 3

Pac-Man World 3 follows a simple, uninspiring and derivative platform recipe.

Take a bushel of standard 3D levels. Sprinkle liberally with switches,obscure power-ups,collectables and exaggerated cartoon ‘baddies’. Add 300ml of straightforward jumping-on-stuff puzzles. Stir in some features stolen from successful genre leaders. Leave to bake for half an hour. Finally,take the lead character from a popular franchise; ripen for 25 years until well past its sell-by date,garnish and serve.

Pac-Man’s appearance has taken a disturbing turn with the success of each new charismatic,youthful video-game lead. In an effort to keep up with plumbers,hedgehogs,bandicoots and the like,elderly Pac has been forced to have extensive cosmetic surgery. He’s had 3D Botox,legs and arms broken and extended and has even taken to wearing gloves and boots. Look at the poor bastard there on the right, manically grinning in hyper-active desperation. Like an ageing Hollywood star,driven

mad by failure and the effects of too many facelifts, Pac-Man shouldn’t be treated with contempt. Treat the poor lad with the mixture of pity and fear he deserves,after all,he was great once.

That’s just about all I can muster for the latest in the yellow sphere’s pointless adventures. It’s not that the game does anything particularly wrong,it’s just mindnumbingly average. Sam Curtis

After selling a massive 3m copies in Japan Dragon Quest VIII reaches the UK...

There’s something strangely comforting about playing Dragon Quest. It reminds me of a simpler time when you could eat some (+1) sweets on the way home from school,sit on a (+2) sofa and play Final Fantasy VII for (+10) hours. Its appeal isn’t limited to nostalgia however; the Dragon Quest series form a saga in their own right. This one provided me with a welcome introduction to the series.

The game radiates charisma. From the soft,then epic,orchestral soundtrack to the well-drawn and animated,cell-shaded characters. Apparently this is the first of the series to be rendered in 3D,the result is arguably one of the best looking games on the PS2. The characters are all designed by series stalwart Akira Toriyama of Dragon Ball Z fame. The enemies,too,are charmingly cute (fans of the series will recognise many of them) and never fail to raise a smile. My favourites remain two of the weakest: ‘Mischievous Mole’,who may be scared away and ‘Dancing Devil’,whose main attack,‘sultry dance’ causes your characters to dance uncontrollably.

The storyline is the standard RPG fare injected with the game’s particular brand of weird. You journey with King Trode and his daughter to find an evil wizard and lift his spell which has turned them into a Yoda creature and a horse respectively. Happily it’s long too,I’ve been playing for around 14 hours so far with no end in sight. Despite the old-fashioned,simple interface,battles are quite difficult to win especially early on and it takes a while to adjust to this. It never becomes too frustrating,although it is difficult,the game’s charm and humour always saves it. A truly brilliant RPG. Sam Curtis

Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter

“What? Ahhh… f**k!” was uttered on many occasions during the playing of the Xbox 360’s latest war simulation game; one bullet to the head and you’re dead. Yet this is no bad thing,the kill or be killed strategy behind Ghost Recon increases the tense atmosphere of the game. Having just lost my virginity to the GR experience,I am still revelling in what the game has to offer.

As with any good shooting game,the satisfaction of pulling the trigger and watching the enemy tumble before you

astonishing: flies buzz around lights,fires crackle and the trees sway subtly. There are a huge range of guns to choose from and clever features like holding your breath for the shot,heat vision goggles and team command all contribute to the game’s longevity.

The gaming controls can take some time to fully learn and the training simulation is almost essential. However this has been designed to help you progress quickly and stroke your ego as you go. The game is situated in Mexico 2013,with rebels attempting a coup. As the ‘Captain’ you are given varying objectives to complete running along a fairly standard story line.

The difficulty of each mission is just right,testing your endurance just enough to give satisfaction in their completion yet still remaining fluid and fun. There are a number of game play options including single-player campaigns,co-op (two-four player) missions and online mode. is designed to create an environment as comparable to a war zone as possible,and has easily succeeded in doing so. This is not a run in,shoot-and-hope game,however don’t worry about there being too few killing opportunities.

The game looks outstanding and is very satisfying to play. I would recommend this game to anyone who enjoys a little bit of stealth,a lot of killing and some Tourette-like John Young

TOMCLANCY: Lethal bizzle

SINEPISODES: EMERGENCE VALVE

Wages of SiN

The latest game to be released online through Valve’s revolutionary Steam system. Chris Pickup plays through the first of nine episodes...

When the original SiN (heh) came out on the PC in 1998 the developers Ritual must have been gutted. A little-known game called Half-Life surfaced and blew away all the competition in its path for years to come. Based on the Quake II engine, Sin was released way before its time and riddled with a million bugs,which condemned it to the abyss of forgotten gaming. This game continues the tale of Colonel John R Blade,a security firm boss in the futuristic Freeport city,battling the evils of the SiNTek Corporation,headed by the mammoth-mammary endowed Elexis Si.nclaire

The game plays like any other standard first-person shooter,but SiN Episodes has the added advantage of using the Half-Life 2 Source Engine to power it,meaning that it looks fantastic and that the frenzied physics are still ridiculously entertaining. SiN Episodes is all about the combat,enabling you to headshot enemies from a mile away with your trusty magnum or run away frantically whenever you hear an enemy’s chaingun spinning up. The game presents you with a bounty of explosives and willfully aids you in the disposal of enemies in various comedy ways (particularly the jet-pack-clad goons who meet rather messy ends).

Since this is an episode rather than a full

game,only a trio of guns are provided for use on a selection of enemy types. Most grunts can be dispatched in a few shots and are moths to your muzzle flare. You do have to keep an eye on your damage indicator, however,as Ritual have implemented a new auto-adjusting difficulty system in accordance with the style and performance of the player. Inexperienced console owners and the hardened-veterans alike will face similar challenges in beating the game. If you get consistent headshots,enemies will begin to wear helmets and will change their behavior to cope with the style of the player. SiN is not a mentally-challenging game and its linearity heralds memories of the original. SiN hasn’t evolved since 1998; it’s not big,it’s not clever, but it’s damn entertaining and kudos must go to Ritual for not trying to ripoff Half-Life 2 when it could have been all too easy. SiN Episodes: Emergence is well worth buying if you have a powerhouse of a PC and you’ll be hard pressed to find a better game for such a cheap price,when games of a similar length such as Tomb Raider: Legends cost four times as much.

Playing NBA is a bit like watching Saving Private Ryan. The first five minutes will blow you away but after the initial shock you find yourself clock-watching and wondering why they didn’t just make it good.

As should be expected from a 360 game, it looks great. The players just look real as they dart across the court,feinting and spinning with beads of sweat running down their face; you almost feel like you’re in the crowd watching a real game. But that’s the problem: the camera angles all make you feel distant,sometimes to the point of obscuring the action.

The offensive controls are easy to master. Most moves involve wanging the ball up-court to a seven-foot hoop-hanger for an easy two points. But the defensive controls are fiddly. I often found myself standing still and cupping my balls (insert rim joke here) as my opponent jogged idly past.

NBA is very pretty but ultimately lacks substance. If you like basketball and have a spare £50,I recominvest it in a ball and a

Slam Dunkin’

SiN: Bad

SiN: Now bug free

For the last Quench, Tom Brookes takes us through a plague sweeping our post-modern society where everything is irrelevant anyway... Remakes of cult classic films,bastards

The lights dim,quietly people begin grazing on buckets of popcorn; this heralds thirty minutes worth of trailers then finally Mission Impossible 3 - here we go. After what feels like several days the movie ends and I leave feeling a little unsettled and for once it had nothing to do with Tom Cruise. Instead I was more taken by the pre-film trailers. Normally these wouldn’t warrant much attention but on this occasion it was different. Trailer one was for The Omen; trailer two, Poseidon; trailer three, Miami Vice. My point,they are all remakes of cult classics.

The remake syndrome is certainly nothing new. Even the Mission Impossible franchise is based on a television programme. The formula is simple: take a movie forgotten by the mainstream,ensure it has a cult following who will criticise the remake,but in doing so inadvertently promote it,re-shoot it frame-byframe and put Ashton Kutcher in the lead role.

It appears no genre is safe,no story is too complex,nothing is sacred. Over the next year we can expect remakes ranging from 70s gang movie The Warriors through to the modern-day Korean classic Oldboy. Not to mention more remakes based on classic TV shows, Magnum PI and even Baywatch are in the pipeline. Baywatch?! There was never any dialogue,all they did was run; it was just a

“ It appears that no genre is safe,no story is too complex, nothing is sacred

and Scarface games both planned for release in the near future.

Did this year’s Oscars teach us nothing? There is wonderful,original cinema and a constant wealth of great independent gems being made across the globe. So why are we still allowing big budget cover versions to spoil our cult classics? Imagine your favourite book was copied,given a new front cover,a new author,would you honestly pay money to buy the new version and read it again? Of course not,so why do the same with films?

Over time there have admittedly been some very competent remakes. Magnificent Seven,perhaps the first major Hollywood remake,managed to update its inspiration (Seven Samurai) without damaging the original film too much. Plus let’s not forget,erm, that other one,no,you know… Who am I kidding? There haven’t been many.

But can Hollywood studios really be stopped from butchering the classics when it makes them so much money? The answer,

unfortunately,is probably not. Now,more than ever,we as fans and moviegoers alike have to rely on the true creative sparks in the world who are willing to take risks and gambles and once again kick start a golden age in cinema.

However,whilst we await a cinematic revolution,if you can’t beat em join em. So it is with this that I present to you my own movie masterpiece, Grange Hill The Movie: Return of Zammo. Long dead 80s icon and playground junkie Zammo (played by Sean William Scott) returns from the grave to seek vengeance on the evil drug dealer (the ever menacing Colin Farrell) who sent him to an early grave. Cue a bloody yet hilarious hour and a half,complete with Grange Hill cameos aplenty (including fat Roland) and the obligatory love interest in the shape of Susan Tully (Jennifer Love Hewitt). Got to go now,I’ve got Spielberg on line two.

LOSTINSPACE: More like waste of space

Tart

sexy marathon. Video games are also worked into the equation now with Reservoir Dogs

MI:3: Johnson,cover me

THEWARRIORS: Soon to be rehashed in a cinema near you

JESSICASIMPSON:

By TV John

man standing

Like the first rays of the summer sun,the first wastepaper bin overflow of hayfever-induced snot rags and putrid armpit sweat marks dripping down your light blue summer tees,the dawn of Big Brother means summer’s finally here.

This year’s ordeal of the multi-faceted hightwattitude ego-fest is only days old,but it’s already shaping up like a recently unemployed butcher in his former boss’s private abattoir; the knives are flying,and there’s a lot of pig shit littering the place.

Already,the best contestant in Big Brother’s eight-year history,self-proclaimed ‘wacky Paki poof’ Shahbaz,a frankly deranged narcissistic idiot of the highest order,has walked. Or was he pushed?

The delusional argumentative idiot,despite providing the most outrageously entertaining five days of television the human race may ever hope to see,proved too much for the poor soul,and the relentless bully-boy tactics stacked against him like an ant trying to cajole a herd of warthogs into a conga line, meant he went out quickly. One has to presume his self-destruction was his own doing, but the final cut was probably the decision of Endemol,who we’d like to think did it for the sanity of the wack-job Scot. But it’s probably more the case that Channel 4 wouldn’t allow them to extend the highlights show to five hours long to crowbar every instance of his lunacy in. To everyone’s loss.

The other housemates,as per usual,consist of the traditional demographical nightmares the auditions vomit up; the ‘sexual terrorist’ (the boring gay),the ‘bubbly ladette’ (the boring tart) and the ‘feminist hater’ (the boring alpha male),as well as a hotch-potch variation on the above to make up the numbers. With the increased number of half-wits they’ve shoved down the front staircase this year,you’d think perhaps they could have omitted some of the non-entities. For example Mikey,who looks a bit like Vernon Kay and not much else; Bonnie,who has a mouth like a penis that’s been trapped in a vice and not much else,and Glyn,who has

We’ve got a laughable horse-gobbed toff who looks like Harry Enfield (George),a Mancunian who looks like she chews lemon-flavoured wasps for a living

“

had his hilarious thought-out plan to walk around naked and talk about being a lifeguard trumped by the discovery that that’s a very boring thing to do. But still,he’s from North Wales,so that’s the vote from the local nationalists sorted,who’ll no doubt set up automated diallers to keep both him,and the other tedious Taff (the remarkably unglamourous former Miss Wales,Imogen) in the house.

So who else have we got? We’ve got a laughable horse-gobbed toff who looks like Harry Enfield (George),a Mancunian who looks like she chews lemon-flavoured wasps for a living (Lisa),abig-breasted manwoman with big breasts who’s a manwoman (Lea),a smelly old bat who’s been asked to leave already for being rubbish (Dawn),ayoung Bruce Springsteen lookalike who can’t control his bodily functions and has the cranial capabilities of a sea cucumber (Sezer) and Nikki,who is a personification of wet grit

seeping out of a recently-deflated cunt.

Oh,and then there’s Grace. How could I forget Grace? She’s not boring or anything!

Most importantly of all,there’s Pete. Now that verbal minefield Shabhaz has been hoofed,my heart has been lost on the unemployed cartoonist. Yes he has Tourette’s, which is mildly diverting for about five seconds,but what people are beginning to realise,is that Pete is a)the only person in the house this year with his head screwed on,and b) is the only housemate who has any notion of diplomacy and integrity and c) is not only as fit as a flagon of fiddles,he’s euphorically barmy and flamboyant as only true superheroes are. His victory is such a foregone conclusion that he makes the entire event stupendously not worth anyone’s time.

The saddest thing about Pete though,is in a house full of flea-ridden cretins who are more than happy to spout any old tripe just before the thought neuron crosses their brain,he’s the only person in the house with anything of any use to say to anyone. Yet he can’t articulate it.

It’s a small wonder that Shabhaz had his justifiable spack attack in the pool,when the only person with the heart to stick up for him when he was being relentlessly attacked and acting as a permenant wide receiver of halfcooked vitriol,couldn’t.

The jewel in the crown,so to speak,of Channel 4’s Big Brother coverage,is,as ever, the additional shows bestowed upon us for the three month duration.

Firstly, Big Brother’s Big Mouth,featuring the completely brilliant and full-time liability Russell Brand. Brand’s unbridled unpredictability and underlying lack of respect for proceedings is effortlessly enjoyable,and that’s even before the ridiculous slanging matches between toe-faced members of the public about which housemate would look best in a wig.

Such is the brilliance of Brand’s baby that Dermot O’ Leary’s Big Brother’s Little Brother is just an added bonus. But again,Dermot’s sly aproach to the subject,coupled with his devoted enthusiasm to the utter banality of the occasions,makes tip-top summer morning television. The new addition to the trilogy, Big Brother’s Big Brain,is a bit po-faced.

At the end of the day though,it’s dog-eatdog,and once again Channel 4 have all the cliché pegs in the corresponding holes set for another hazy summer. Shame the housemates are all fuck-arsed losers.

SHAHBAZ: Scream of the Cop

SHAHBAZ: Pain in the arse

Last

AC/DC - Back in Black

Afroman - Because I Got

Greetings

,and salutations!I speak to you this week from hell. No,not my own private hell - who do you think I am,Gary Glitter in a fit of tabloid redemp- tion; but the real deal. As punish- ment for printing Lordi lyrics in a former edition of gair rhydd,I’m writing to you from the domain of

High Arctic Monkeys - When The Sun Goes Down

Akon - Lonely

Audioslave - Cochise Babyshambles - Killamangiro

The BC-52's - (Meet) The Flintstones

The Beatles - Love Me Do

The Beautiful South - Perfect 10

Bedoin Soundclash - When The Night Feels

My Song

Beenie Man - Dude

Biffy Clyro - Strung To Your Ribcage

The Black Eyed Peas - Shut Up Bodyrockers - I Like The Way

Bright Eyes - The Big Picture

Cabaret Voltaire - Exhaust

Cassidy - Hotel

The Clash - White Riot

Phil Collins - Another Day in Paradise

The Cooper Temple Clause - Let's Kill

Music

Graham Coxon - It Ain't No Lie

Counting Crows - Mr Jones

The Cure - The Lovecats

Dirty Pretty Things - Bang! Bang! You're!

Dead!

Bob Dylan - Wiggle Wiggle

Electric Six - Naked Pictures of Your

Mother

Embrace - Hooligan

Faithless - God is a DJ

Fatboy Slim - Slash Dot Dash

Foo Fighters - The Best of You

Vincent Gallo - I Wrote This Song For The

Girl Paris Hilton

Genesis - Invisible Touch

Green Day - All By Myself

Happy Mondays - Step On Hard-Fi - Cash Machine

the devil. It’s not all bad here - I mean,if you can take the smacked up jam sessions from Jimi Hendrix with John Lennon farting his free-thinking sappy hippy drivel over the top. Let’s cut to the chase. These are,as scientific statistics,and common sense dictate,the official worst 100 songs

Chesney Hawkes - I am the One and Only

Jimi Hendrix - The Star Spangled Banner

The Hives - Hate To Say I Told You So

Il Divo - Unbreak My Heart (Regresa A Mil)

Incubus - Drive

Insane Clown Posse - Skitsofrantic

Inxs - Need You Tonight

Jamiroquai - Little L

Jack Johnson - Better Together

Michael Jackson - Earthsong

Kaiser Chiefs - Oh My God

Kasabian - LSF

King Adora - Big Isn't Beautiful

Joy Kitikonti - Joy Energiser

Led Zeppelin - Communication

Breakdown

The Libertines - Boys in the Band

Jennifer Lopez feat. Ja Rule - I'm Real

Lostprophets - Rooftops

Manic Street Preachers - This is Yesterday

Maroon 5 - This Love

The Mars Volta - Cassandra Gemini

Maximo Park - The Night I Lost My Head

Ewan McGregor and Nicole Kidman - Elephant Love Medley

Avid Merrion / Rest of the Bo Selecta! Cast - Proper Chrimbo

Pras Michel feat. ODB and Mya - Ghetto Superstar

Samantha Mumba - Always Come Back to Your Love

Muse - New Born

The Offspring - Why Don't You Get a Job?

OPM - Heaven is a Half Pipe

Orson - No Tomorrow

The Others - Lackey

of all time - a bit like the Music section’s top 50,only more realis- tic,and only voted for people by people that matter - ME.

NOTE: There is a one song per- band limit... otherwise it’d all be bloody Libertines songs

Outkast - Where Are My

Panties?

Oxide and Neutrino - Bound 4 Da

Reload (Casualty)

Pink - Get the Party Started

Placebo - Commerical for Levi

Primal Scream - Loaded

Puddle of Mudd - She Hates Me

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

Rage Against The Machine - The Ghost of Tom Joad

Razorlight - Rip It Up

Red Hot Chilli Peppers - The Zephyr

Song

REM - Everybody Hurts

Cliff Richard - Wired For Sound

Santana feat. Rob Thomas - Smooth

Semisonic - Secret Smile

Set Fire to Flames - Vienna Arcweld / Fucked Gameplan / Rigid Tracking

Snow Patrol feat. Zane Lowe - Crazy in Love

Britney Spears - Email My Heart

The Streets - Dry Your Eyes

Stereophonics - Ooh La La

Suede - She's in Fashion

Take That - Do What You Like

Tenacious D - Tribute

Texas and Method Man - Say What

You Want

Tool - Lateralus

Toploader - Dancing in the Moonlight

Shania Twain - Kerching!

U2 - Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get

Out Of

Ian Van Dahl - Castles in the Sky

Armand Van Helden - Koochy

The Vines - Outtathaway

The White Stripes - Well It's True That

We Love One Another

Robbie Williams - Millenium

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Pin

The Zutons - Why Won't You Give Me

Your Love?

Bastian Springs

Whoah-oh-oh I’m on fire

OTO