This girl who was looking at me

This girl who was looking at me

by

Gabriel Kemlo

Half rhymes and half truths for a wasted generation

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the writer Gabriel Kemlo reached London via Kolkata and the Scottish Highlands. He studied at St Paul’s School and Sidney Sussex College, Cambridge. He also writes plays, and is working on his first novel.

Contact: gabrielkemlo@hotmail.com

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index friendzone Dripdrippy-drip on your shoe A40 Love Bakerloo Arsenal Charlotte This girl Ithaka On Beauty MILF All Name to do: Sex pest her Samsung Channel 4, 18.00 Chiang Mai and there’s something else Contains Scenes of a Graphic nature maybe Le MÊpris Ecstasy NYE14 Beta Male #7 Love is an unflushed-down turd FB Clueless #9 on tea 4

likes Tinder what i want ...pause caffe cuppe Soyaccino on Shepherd’s Bush 29 Cycle path Birthday a moment Cocaine on the brain Spaz sometimes almost there Incident Report: Platform 3 my Neighbour Terminal 5 reading books Walker Lithium A&E Jodeci if I had the time again stalky Hanover Sq. Mother love Chemo Love is All Around Soulmate internet Wankbank #4 Selfie 5

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please note Names, characters, places and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

glossary FB: either Facebook or F***buddy TF: abbreviation of WTF, textspeak for What The Fuck?

MILF: (from the film ‘American Pie’) Mom I’d Like to Fuck NYE: New Year’s Eve Seen, or Seen?: (Jamaican) I see, or Do you see?

6

friendzone

“Sometimes I feel I wanna fuck the world” she told me over lunch after therapy smiling as she said it like I'd obviously understand, and maybe I do did but I also felt maybe a little bit sick “Do you ever think that?”

Well I wanna...I want you to have you and hold you my own but she wasn't offering that we'd entered the friendzone.

“Do you wanna get married like fairy tales foreverever after every day the same?” but she wasn't listening she was eyeing the waiter said she fancied champagne.

7

Dripdrippy-drip

Dripdrippy-drip defrosting fridge Huuyuhnnn-e-yerr sleepy computer Ss-hh-eurr-r-ripp high fibre shit Eeh-y-eeh-y-eeh-y-eeh going-round washing machine ....vacant line the sound of nothing going on in my life.

on your shoe

I was sitting on your Jimmy Choo shoe you left it on the sofa, it came right through your pile of washing and pushed in the skin to my heart; I long to be walked on by you.

A40 Love A40 Westway at night the Rover Sterling 1.3 Life Through a Lens on CD the halogen glow orange Paddington Green minor congestion ahead the time was right “I'm in love with you�

I said love with her these last six years something I'd concealed safety first, October 15th was our...my anniversary in a week.

She kept her eyes on the road Robbie Williams offered me protection lotta love and affection til finally

she said “Oh” but like she meant it though kinna with love “Are you serious?”

I definitely was “Why didn't you tell me?”

I like the question kinna urgency you know didn't that mean she had feelings? she turned towards me indicated left changed lane, I was scared is why, “Why are you telling me now?” she asked she was about to be married, it seemed like a good time the A40 at night the Rover Sterling 1.3 Life Through a Lens on CD.

Bakerloo “Has anyone ever hit their dad?” he calls out fondling a can Kestrel 9% Harrow & Wealdstone train Bakerloo Line, papers quake tongues click, I haven't but I'd like to administer the prick, but I never knew we all did I thought it was just me me & Oedipus.

“If anybody hates anybody” the ciderman sing furrows his brow with strain “please have the honesty to shout out on the train” bends his head to spit.

No one sing man in a sweatshirt raises his eyes from his screen momentarily woman sighs her body heaves with the effort Wino grows quiet.

“This is Kilburn Park. Next stop the train will terminate: Queen's Park.

Passengers wishing to continue their journey should take the Overground on Platform 4.”

The lager lout unsure if that include him picked up his Sainsbury's bags got out.

Arsenal

I said “You're so hot” she said “Let’s wait” said it's more romantic if we talk about stuff first if we talked.

She told me she'd been promoted to Area Group Manager no rise in salary but it would add value to her CV, I mentioned Arsenal'd moved up to fourth in the league on goal difference, she said “Ok, let’s fuck” started taking off her clothes turn off the light but something how she said it didn't feel right.

Charlotte After I got the glasses from out of the cupboard after I opened the wine I made my move, she let me kiss her warm damp cherry mouth and lean her back against the washer-dryer, didn’t want to go no further though she said it didn’t feel right; it felt fine to me nice.

She had a boyfriend she said but agreed to stay the night his name was Ashley of Sutton Coldfield the only man she’d had.

She borrowed a sawn-off sweatshirt and jogging pants to sleep in it was a hot clammy night but I was too tired to try anything.

We woke sweaty unmolested and decided to go for brunch at Queen's and a bike ride.

This girl who was looking at me

I thought she was looking at me when I saw her looking away this girl, quite pretty I thought she was looking at me but she wasn't she was on telly.

Ithaka Around five thirty maybe five forty-five ginger-fingered dawn arrived clutchy touchy prising sleep-gummed eyes apart with one-way kissing and a pressure on my thighs, half-state sleep and day combined, I got on top without ceremony fed myself in the clock on her table said o six fifteen, early tired I pumped her up like a car-tyre with steady silent strokes; around twenty past maybe twenty-five begun a-drumming on my back trying to speak in signs I think keep going or do it like this I didn’t know what she wanted so I carried on anyway til I reached a sort of peak round six twenty-nine.

I let her hold me ‘til six forty-five

when I had to get up I was embarrassed by her or me I wanted to be alone smoke put my hand on my balls on my own.

On Beauty

Beauty's transient they say if you've got it it fades it's what's within that counts your spiritual health but I'm ugly on the inside as well.

MILF So this MILF mother of two the lived-in form luxurious lips took a drink vodka Martini occasional sips let me gaze at her long as I listened to long stories about her boys 8, 6.

Some point she give me her number 07980 314213 which I treasure preserve for safety in the breast-pocket next to my heart.

A day or is it a week later I text her >MILF! 09.43 December 13 with a view some vanilla kinna sex I guess love & marriage death

that's the goal.

She's okay about it the text but what I get I end up tutor to her problem child Archie he's ADD emotionally-damaged or lazy he's something they say.

So I'm sitting in her kitchen putting time in way of Harry Potter reading creative writing spelling tests but not getting so much out romantically; the beautiful mother of two 33 in faux-fur white jeans calfskin boots makes lavender tea while I'm marking punctuation exercises that's the basis of the deal.

As she stretches leans in the Poggenpohl kitchen my mind drifts onto wild domestic fantasies

programming the oven strapping on a toolbelt cuddling on the sofa over a DVD. When I break my reverie the 8 year old is staring me out aggressively; he has other ideas what a mother's about.

All

Prozac and telly and sleeping: these are all of my favourite things.

Name talentless ugly spasmo wanker creep 'Collect for spastics' Sidemouth four-eyed geek bald 5 concentration camp victim slaphead weirdo loner inadequate in bed cocksucker marathon-runner druggy gay Mr Tefal twat shinehead varicose-veined transsexual not normal pigeon-chested 4 waster a demented Fraggle coke whore ill-mannered intense charmless boring mean malodorous odious a monstrous 3 rude dishonest Doley pothead user skinny wretch thief on borrowed time loser pretentious priapic predatory prick unscrupulous ruthless self-absorbed dick depressed disruptive influence bad luck unnecessary mediocre fuck drug-dealer abuser impotent cunt cossetted pampered mummy's boy bitch runt epi embarrassing shame mellee skeetch boring intense uninvited black sheep unemployable unreliable needy undesirable unusual greedy sarcastic lecherous misogynist premature ejaculating egotist deluded ideas above his station attention-seeking sick on medication unhinged unwanted untrustworthy wimp sexually-obsessed averagelyendowed gimp unsettling unnerving stalky sneak superfluous turd maladjusted freak

to do:

-karate -Pilates -voluntary work -church

Sex pest So I'm stalking this bird woman girl e-stalking this bird I kinna know met this time fit fit but she never talked to me not since we met just hi what’s going on not yet, so I'm browsing her photos she didn't privacy protect Google searching 'Giulia Feliciani' Images LinkedIn smiles back coyly off of Internet unguarded prepared she smiles back, unforgiving cheekbones, clutches her BFF insanely grinning out of it; through the Prada Balenciagga a cruel loveless spirit shines through,

I am captive.

her

she may be prettier than me slightly and more successful and rich and deserves a boyfriend who can keep her in the lifestyle to which she's accustomed the shallow bitch but I know she loves me inside if only she could see.

Samsung She walks in lights blinding my eyes my heart sings doesn't notice me she walks past, it is o-o-thirty.

And then I see she is esquired by this guy new guy handsome tall Simon Something a double-barrelled dick in jeans tight blazer open-necked shirt white a pretend playboy school of C么te d'Azur spazzy dance the cheap allure.

At 2 3 a.m. they leave stop beside her car he makes her laugh at some thing maybe me?

Her goldie hair crinkle-cut like chips waves in the moonlight, they get in.

When she backs out I can see this gullible fool cocksurecunt who displaced me rides shotgun in her Mercedes E Class estate.

Next time we meet sit awkwardly at a bench she sips tea I smoke “The boys go back to school this week� she confides, a mockery of the closeness I once felt absorbed uninvited.

And the retreat: heartbroke comfty routine, I think about deleting the photo from my phone

I upload without permission from FB think about it as I gaze at her picture on my Samsung Galaxy SIII.

Channel 4, 18.00

Waiting for The Simpsons to be on; but they never come.

Chiang Mai So I was in Chiang Mai Top North Bar little bit high sweet Vallies bottle of beer playing pool with a ladyboy making coy while she flirts with me wondering how it works when a friend of hers arrives starts chatting to me “Where you from?� etcetera.

I told her I had a girlfriend we were gonna get married but I don’t think she believed it she said she liked me her name was Panchit.

So eventually we left drove to the night market for pad thai and som tam nam ya couple of Singha smoked some weed went to a club called Apocalypse Now dropped a pill, she didn't wanna go home she wanted to stay out laughing and drinking and dancing to trance music

for hours and hours; round three we went back to the hotel ignored the No Guests rule went upstairs showered and made love, and when we were done fell asleep in each other's arms.

4am she wakes me up says she has to go home now I ask her what’s wrong she starts babbling something like nung hah song sawadi-something sip-si, I ask her in English what she needs, she makes a rubbing gesture between her forefinger and thumb.

I understood people gotta eat, I give her what she asked for: 500 Baht a meaningless amount an unspeakable currency, she got her shoes kissed me on the cheek said goodbye, I offered to drive her but she said it was fine and left.

and there's something else

i haven't a dream of a grander scheme, no idea of a superior way.

Contains Scenes of a Graphic Nature The man who replaced supplant me in the object of my love sun-creased Abbie I call this fucker out Simon Something-Smith lay down the challenge to this cunt in my mind. “How'd you fancy seeing out of one eye?!�

I shriek brandishing a fork the line borrowed from The Sopranos Series 3 thrust a finger into his eye right gouging the nail in fist in the throat knee to the stomach the nuts I smash his nose with a golfclub three wood in my mind.

A trickle of blood leaks from the corner of his double-barrelled mouth as he lies

moaning softly on the ground.

I want to kick his hideous handsome face into a bloody pulp break his eagle's beak bring to earth this lofty Sloane this is what I want do in my mind.

“Would you like tea?” he asks when our paths cross in the buffet tent marquee some kinna event party somewhere the Shires “No thanks” I reply even though I would no thanks no tea, show my distaste hostility extreme violence that way.

He knew sensed my power potency picks up his cup and saucer leaves.

When he has gone back to Abbie my once love escort fantasy I pour myself an Earl Grey splash of milk, semitake a scone find a seat.

maybe

maybe depression's just having all the facts

Le Mépris Her favourite book was Contempt

by Alberto Moravia, something she felt for me as well as pity I guess.

She had the wounded voluptuousness of Bardot in the Godard film Le Mépris in French I the stupidity of the hero whose actor's name was Michel Piccoli credulous complacent naïve.

What desire I had if any the consumer’s lust to acquire own felt more like Jealousy another book by the same writer same coin

another zone.

She was reading a book strategically posed in the bath in the photo she post on FB: the diaries of Elsa Morante misunderstood wife other half liked drama strife of the literary kind and horse when it was around street corners if you know where to look.

This Woman of Rome damaged narcotic entreats me beyond the page where I cannot see.

Ecstasy

Ecstasy Ecstasy Sexstasy You and me.

NYE14 “You know we're not going out” she tells me a couple days b4 NYE round the twenty-eighth ninth kinna thing “you know that”.

And I do...did I know we're not going out, I was high mistook intoxicated by love kinna love for this plastic fantastic fascisti, we're not going out but I could buy her drugs though take her home chat for more than ninety minutes about the Neo-Realists on the phone she could finish texts with a couple of 'x's sometimes three you know I'm connect with this handsome Italian and I leave her at the door of her home.

We make our choice in the first ten minutes or is it seconds?

I don't recall, the decision is made.

She got to no on the second date somewhere between the Whitechapel Gallery and Nobu, but my heart stopped for nine months for you this hopeless cause.

“I don't think I wanna get married” she tells me outside Wagamama's “or have a child” nod try to smile avoid eyes.

NYE 2014 we're not going out but we could go to the same party it was too late to change plans; she finds a seat at the opposite end beside an urbane doctor-divorcee named Richard, I open the champagne.

At midnight they kissed tongues thrust enquiringly out like anteaters faces turned inwards a two-headed god swaying to Britney Spears on the dance-floor.

I retreat to the other room but at four o'clock look around they're still here; Jesus! How long does it take to have sex?! Get your coat already!

Five forty-five she wants to speak to me her beautiful face defiant and angry “You wanna share a cab?”

I'm silent stunned, “You know we're not going out” I think but don't say, we could share a cab though a cuckolded chaperone I know that it's 2015.

Beta Male

house music pretty girls on drugs whom I eventually will not fuck.

#7 “Fucking is fun� she concedes afternoon after New Year's eve, it's something I guess kinna forward progress she never said as much when we convenience-fucked before.

Did she got feeling?

Like that the power so I slow withdraw tease tongue kinna thing, taste of cock sweat piss.

9pm my phone rings Giulia wants something: I'm not in love with you any more let it go to Voicemessage return to bed, slide a hand over Jeanie's waist she shrugs my arm away hungover.

It is New Year's Day.

Love is an unflushed-down turd

Love is an unflushed-down turd that floats guiltily

FB Event So she like invited me FB invited me if you can call it invited to some thing a Ken Russell film I've seen: this priest tempted by a beautiful mad temptress ...I get it I'm the priest you're Vanessa I guess but I don't respond for an hour or so end of play a day two days a week; that'll show her I think every sixty seconds or so loud and clear she'll know what it means; by night I entertain chaste dreams.

By day I fantasise about pain hers picture her in torment this is what I dream, a pain that eats away like cancer won't let her sleep; she'll know understand

it's a consequence of my love directly proportional; then she'll realise she loves me after all.

Clueless

Alicia Silverstone gives me bone so does she fancy me?

#9 Iyunno if I really understand the basis of our transaction: sex under sufferance though, I like her we're friends but she never really liked me not like that; it's okay I'll take it anyway I get I'm all for the pityfuck but I can't tell now if she's fucking me or wankbanking someone else, there’s this guy she likes this guy short strong he's nothing like me, and she insists we do it from behind no kissing too; we got a rhythm routine weird compatibility, after maybe fifteen twenty she make moan mumbles something something like fuck me or maybe up me stick it up me,

I carry on throw in something free “You like it hard?!”

I breathe with my sexy voice from the throat; she's quiet “Someone's been naughty” I sort of sing try to stick it to her but her body's gone stiff “Look this isn't working” she pulls away; it was working for me; but there's a limit I guess the price of pity.

on tea

I like tea.

So why not have a cup?

likes passion fruit panna cotta mangosteen melon summer roll jasmine tea 7” deep pan pizza 99p mozzarella pineapple green chilli Morrison Value Range Lasagne chips oysters greengages garlic bread Wotsits masala dosa ginger beer pho bở hash cookies spinach profiterole syllabub rhubarb fool Frappuccino blackberry & apple San Pellegrino Kia Ora mulberry Whopper Meal chocolate ginger ale vegetable thali chocolate biscuits Cox’s apples champagne caviar blinis cigarettes cocaine smoked salmon fig and balsamic chutney stilton toasted ciabatta Rice Krispee lamb larb nasi goreng som tam tom yum thousand year egg sticky rice Chelsea bun pisco sour empanada cerviche Quavers bacon Caesar salad Earl Grey fried vegetable tempura sashimi crème caramel fatoush Vodka Martini Quorn Shepherds Pie oat-milk mango lassi Green & Black’s Gregg’s cheese & onion pasty Tesco’s raspberry turnover with cream garlic bread vichyssoise rocket Shreddies baked potatoes cauliflower au gratin bouillabaisse ratatouille tarte tatin butter raspberry macaroni cheese fatoush lamb shish carrot juice Lebanese bread-pudding wine parsnips potatoes: roast unsweetened marmalade Marmite white toast Sainsbury’s lager decappuccino G&T Wall’s Tropical Solero Tropicana McDonald’s Apple Pies spaghetti carbonara scampi-fries tarte Normandie roast beef Yorkshire puddee horseradish sauce Spinach & cheese roti caipirinha stuffed olives tom kha kai salt & sweet popcorn green coconut Sprite battered plaice pineapple fried egg whitebait Nescafé Gold Blend Volvic After Eight

Tinder It's not like I loved her not really she never made me prisoner captive though she was/is fit we were FB, I didn't love her but I didn't like it how she start on Tinder she told me I didn't like that my body's not cold bitch.

She wanna dip lucky dip in the pool men: tall, large-dicked with careers 6 feet repartee manners no doubt walk on the outside open doors mouth closed when you eat other dubious qualities.

Over lunch we chat while she checks for matches at the same time: Johann blonde waxed 33 Less Than 5 Miles swipe right.

We're free unattached

don't look back I'm not in love with her not really but I didn't like that.

what i want

i want to fuck you you want to fuck me: well you can fuck off.

...pause “Why are you here?” she said as we lay breathless in bed “Why are we doing this?”

I said nothing paused nothing at all, that's pretty clear isn't it?

“I use the rhythm method” she told me “I know when I'm fertile so it's ok.”

I didn't ask what she was now but she laughs when I apply a condom anyway we both know what it means.

“I think I know why you came,” softly softly silent technique “for a weekend thing that's all.”

Pregnant pause summon courage and then “...That's true” I said after a while.

She stopped turned onto her side facing away

“I am so sick of weekend things.�

Her voice came from the other side of the room; on the screen I watch Madagascar II on pause.

After five minutes she turned back we started doing it again.

caffe cuppe

caffe cuppe keepy uppy shaky-makey urinatey

Soyaccino “I'm late” she announces her face a mix of blame and hate, I'm supposed to be anxious but I'm not “I thought you said you didn't cum?” she spits stands astride like a barrister my heart is pounding inside “I didn't” I feel fertile alive “I think” and sort of smile which she sees “You arse!” sighs her body heaves flops into a seat, she accepts a soyaccino venti.

I already said if you wanna marry me I do last year remember I said?

I speak silently

not moving my mouth, I could fall in love with you if you want.

But she didn't though there was no need to repeat myself, marry? a fuckbuddy? she was aiming higher than that.

This pregnancy wasn't gonna get in her way believe.

on Shepherd's Bush

the ceaseless burble of Roundabout living is a comforting thing: out of reach of our each neurosea

29 Lucky’s Bar 1080 Norodom, Phnom Penh capital of the southeast Asian sex trade where Happy Hour is all day.

I sip a beer catch the eye of number 29 feline attractive quite shy senses me staring draws near “You handsome boy” she lies.

I take out a cigarette offer her a drink she orders Sprite, this flower of the Khmer Pol Pot child of maybe nineteen or twenty dressed modestly in black name Muai or Huang or something like that.

I feel a textbook compassion for this war-wronged people if it’s not exploited or genocide it's purging the intellectuals killing fields but my blood runs thick when she brushes my thigh.

How could Cambodia do this to its own people three million dead? the charge is $15 plus room hire.

Muai leads me upstairs to our room

switches on the tv (it’s cable) disrobes showers waits for me to do the same.

When I finish in the bathroom she is naked now encourages me onto the bed (the room is let by the hour) takes off my glasses I trace her warm sinuosity colonise her form with my tongue and she kisses me back lovers now.

When we disengage she touches my cheek says goodbye exit through the back door not the bar.

Later on outside I glimpse Muai in a tuk-tuk changed offguard I wave she smiles my vehicle coughs into motion our ways part, strangers again in the muggy night.

Cycle path

On Kensington High Street I cycle past an Iranian girl waiting to cross twenty-one maybe two warm like grass clasping frappuccino, swathed in black form-hugging Alaïa or something like that; slender ankles sunglasses latte-coloured skin I can die happy now if it is Allah’s will.

A careless smile she steps into my path earth sky collide I shiver slide to a halt foot down; the summer cycly the sun without a glance she is gone.

Birthday She called from Caracas May 17th her voice bold far away unnaturally clear “Do you know what's today?” maybe some kinna religious event a martyr or saint?

“It's my birthday" silence “Course, yeah I know that happy birthday to...”

“You didn't remember did you?”

“Yes I did. How could I forget that?”

My voice sounded empty flat.

We talk of many things weather football work we would meet at Sara's party King's Cross the day she gets back she would go straight from the airport.

I spot her cases at the door ready for some thing she's upstairs clutching a vodka and tonic fingering her ring hi

hi we kiss my lip her cheek, she introduces me to a friend called Stephen he has muscles and a tattoo he's an architect from New York.

We decide to leave we have catching-up to do belated birthday champagne maybe maybe food.

She is uneasy we can't find a taxi which she blames on me; on the way home she tells me it's over she's had time to think it's time for change time to start again. “Is this cause I forgot your birthday?� she says of course it's not it's lots of things we're just not compatible.

When I look at her she smiles 69

quickly then looks away.

70

a moment

the moment was there I'm sure locked in the lavatory stall as she bent at the hips to take coke the arc of her arse seemed like she asked invited me touch is what it seemed touch, but by the time I'd decide she stood up brushed the dust from her nose run a finger round her gums smiled at me “On y va?�

The moment'd passed.

71

Cocaine on the Brain

Cocaine on the brain

Spaz They found him on the floor at home having “some kinna episode," call the ambulance it's epilepsy they said, probably.

Convulsation spastication what's it mean? maybe a message of some kind maybe an angry spirit struggling to escape?

“It's probably genetic” they said or drug-abuse you're not a prophet or seer take Lamotrigine 100mg bi-daily, 8 hours sleep no alcohol drugs cigarettes caffeine the absences are temporary just a few minutes a day the memories?

Who needs them anyway?

Look forward not back look after yourself

spaz.

sometimes

sometimes body dysmorphia's just looking in the mirror

almost there The bell goes there's someone at the door called Chloe Plascoe, I would've never've answered her before but things've changed since then: she's become a successful writer famous almost I've gone bald.

And I'm on it again.

We get charged up go out at Subterranea I snog her though she's anxious doesn't wanna be seen in case a friend of the married man she's seeing sees, he's semi-famous worth retaining she can't afford to risk it on a one night thing, we go back to mine where we kiss more; her body responds unwinds but her gaze is afield eyeing the next line.

Three or so to bed, Chloe stays up alone to drink and smoke; two hours later she joins me our parts entwine,

I don’t know what she wants exactly maybe bugle? but she plucks the condom that I put on off which she says I won't need says she can't feel through a layer of rubber, so I guess she did.

Incident Report: Platform 3 Lying on Platform 3 District and Circle Line South Kensington Eastbound blood mixed with spittle leaked from her mouth to the ground limbs twitched uncontrollably expression blank eyes rolled back while the London Transport Police stood around arms linked together in a sort of shield.

A herd of museum-goers giddy with science natural history crowded round faces etched with terror and concern anxiety to see the event on Platform 3.

People in uniform announced “Move on please� but there was something to see here, the pride stayed still

bent their necks to peer through the vegetation of arms and legs; an exhibition warning of some thing maybe day of reckoning dystopia global warming, I push forward breathe the dungy smell mixed with Calvin Klein Eternity for women; reflected in the unfocused eyes I see the image of myself, it stares and accuses me.

She lay quiet now head propped on a jacket body slack eyes sleepy, the WPC murmured consolations in the victim's ear radioed her colleague stand down

end of emergency.

The woman's face combined confused shamed grimy clothes her twisted frame testimony to some out-of-body experience she didn't see.

A fuzzed awareness starts to return a pigeon plucks at something round her feet the herd starts to shift, there is a Circle Line on Platform 3 in 2 minutes destination: Liverpool Street.

my Neighbour

I’d like to rub my prick between Emma Harrison's tits you know, that bird out of Neighbours her lipstuck mouth beseeches my labours, and I'd like to shove my balls in her face and her to lick me in that place where my hole stops and my scrotum starts and I'd ease her squeezy legs apart and with my hand I'd tickle her apex tandem cum femina ut habendum sex flesh to flesh, the musk of her fur ...does that mean I love her?

Terminal 5 “I saw my consultant today” she explains above the clatter of the Piccadilly Line direction Heathrow Airport Terminal 5 “for my scan” case I was wondering where she'd been which I wasn't, I was thinking about me replete of a long weekend at sex food DVDs. When she moved abroad it became a part-time thing European breaks expenses paid phone sex the PhD. “Would you like to see these?” she starts reaching in her bag Hermès tan

with the leather tag retrieves an envelope A4 card-backed starts to lose herself in some probably some work-related thing, I turn my attention to Arsenal FC was this the year they would finally make it in the Champions League?

She hands me some items see-through black and white sheets murky with shadows faintly-sinister shapes “You see?”

I didn't “it's in the ovary” what's that mean?

Next stop: Hatton Cross.

I hold up the transparencies you can see the London Underground map where the light gets through, I would smoke a joint when I got home when I dropped her off “You're obviously not interested”

she snatches the x-rays; suddenly I was desperate but it was too late.

reading books

Always shoplift books you reed to avoid paying royalties to writers who should not be published whom you should not read before you rubbish.

Walker So I ask this 9 arrange with this 9 take her to a party drinks she agrees it's mutually satisfactory she gets out I have a dream.

Pick her up round 10 in a taxi we talk about art astrology not awkward things the arrangement deal it's not something we discuss we're conflict-avoiding water-signs.

“You're wasting your time” BFF assures me mixture of jealousy and practical advice, 9 is out of my league.

We stroll into the party like we were walking onto a yacht the whispered hush women wanna talk to me but I cling to the dream.

Take her home round 01.30 walk her to the door “Ok bye” she smiles pecks me on the cheek

“thanks for everything� closes the door.

I unlock my bike and leave.

Lithium So this woman friend someone I know onetime FB sectioned herself this divorcee went bi put her in Riverside Ward St Mary’s so now pparently she's in transition stage means visits gym accompanied outings, she's ask me onetime FB to accompany her supervised trips the cinema park the Natural History she need walking reintegratey.

So I'm now she's all out and shit she's >Soo much better Received 11 November 2014 hasn't got time for sex she's >Meeting a friend for tea.

Where TF was this 'friend' b4 when you need accompany?

She's had time to think inside she needs relationships that are supportive nourishing lose the negativity “You get me?�

I think I do did.

A&E the preliminaries hellos I ask him how he is the portable phone, not great he insists two days of indigestion trapped wind “I'm farting all the time” I laugh “it's a worrying sign” he insists “I've had cancer twice.”

I elect to treat the matter as a joke with levity no one ever died of broken wind I don't think But Ron wants medical attention some kinna tests wants money spent some kinna probe maybe a machine with noises like a robot a digital read-out.

When they call “Mr Hilton” Chelsea & Westminster A&E ask what he's been eating “Are you keeping regular meals?”

Ron mentions cancer Dr Pasek laughs

something stirs in my intestine.

Jodeci Bottle of Pinot G&T arm-in-arm the walk home “Let's take it slow” she goes slow -It’s been two yearsbut I'm not really an RnB kinna guy ain't got the groove the vibe I'm not like Jodeci I got two speeds stop and go; but something ain't right right out of bed kitchen flowers of camomile the reading-book Plath Larkin Bukowski maybe not the most romantic maybe that woulda been more Catullus is it?

Horace Odes and Epodes Sappho; when the sleepy come

it was time but the feeling'd gone away.

I made a move onetime she said “I'm not in the mood” she said “not now” and fell asleep.

06.46 #morningofglory one hand nests round her leafy form another forages afield only “I'm so hot” she mumbles meaning not; I turn over get up make green juice Assam tea; when she came in the kitchen she was dressed she didn't want her drink said “I think I'm gonna go” she said and left.

If I had the time again In a sense...not in a sense no in a non sense as it were the guy was a friend to me in the sense he supplied me with coke I shared his coke he burnt me numerous CDs progressive house, trance, drum & bass in spite of though I asked him repeatedly for not D‘n’B but when you think about it the music that’s just burning files straight off iTunes isn’t it?

D’you know what I mean? all it cost him’s the cost of the blank CDs 20 or 25p.

It’s nice of him I’m not saying it’s not nice of him I’m not saying that all I’m saying’s in a way the gifts he gave me were effectively royalties weren’t they stolen offa the artists & DJs? And the cocaine? he did pay for it: quite a considerable sum per gram it’s generous I’m just saying that he needed someone to take it with I know what it’s like.

So in a sense what I’m saying all I’m saying’s

just asking how much did I actually owe him?

Truth is he was a mate to me regardless if it was coke buddies that come on fast the semi-toxic rush of addictive personalities, he had a heart weakened maybe by near-continuous drug abuse but manners he was a chivalrous host was alright to me.

So what I’m saying’s I shouldn’a...wouldn’a...

I maybe I shouldn’a slept with his ex.

I should not have had sex with Adriana.

I shouldn’a split the girl in two boned her up good style give her a proper seeing-to.

No that was wrong, the principle is the right person would not have fucked his friend’s on-off-on-off skinny Slovakian ex who was high glass of wine round her flat hungering to pay back her ex for numerous humiliations infidelities of little or no relevance to me.

I should’n’a...would’n’a...truth is I couldn’a...

No that’s not the truth I easily coulda not've but I chose to fuck her I chose to is there any kinna bloke who wouldn’a really?

Does anyone not?

Is it not my job if the chance comes along take whatever I got?

I wouldn' be a man otherwise with cock; a denial of man.

So the truth is while I’d like to say I wouldn’t I would straight up her again notwithstanding her motives: revenge and questionably legal consent I’d do it again in that respect I haven’t changed.

So if you’re listening friend...ex-friend I’m sorry I was...offered sex with your then ex now girlfriend again and I took it, it’s something I should not have done but I did and I’d do it again.

stalky Is it weird odd threatening perhaps someone you know some guy only ever dropped you off/picked you up from your home you stopped talking to him about a year ago is it weird he still got your address sent you something flowers or a luxury good you don't want is that stalking?

Obviously it is a bit little bit stalky maybe not illegal but probably a bit weird.

I was hoping it was romantic anonymous card in the post full of loving intent muttered declarations but tasteful though William Morris signed with a heart, but I dunno if she took it that way she Unfriended me FB, won't answer my email -s her phone goes Voicemessage; a year's wait in vain.

Hanover Sq. She borrowed her dad's car one time a VW Golf 3 series graphite we drive along Marylebone Great Something Street...Crescent you know by the Park turned left a couple times right parked Hanover Square at night.

Rain breath condensed on glass I didn't write: I heart You unfortunately nothing like that by the time I had the heart it was too late, she didn't write Yasmin 4 Gubs 4eva with her finger it wasn't forever but she put her hand in my pants which was nice undid my flies; I made vague encouraging sounds she open her mouth you know wide;

the engine ticked as it cooled, footsteps echoed outside...

I gave thanks in heavy breaths she released her grip, sipped quite sparingly from the Volvic gazed ambiguous with hooded lids.

We exited the vehicle took a walk round W1 Piccadilly Quaglino's table for two she had news to tell news.

I order a bottle of Malbec Argentinian steak rare “Madam?” the waiter waved away she had news: she was pregnant “Is everything alright sir?” the waiter stalls; there was no scope for uncertainty she'd done the test three times we were with child.

She'd arranged a termination that's what they

she we call...'d it, The Marie Stopes Centre Whitfield Street, she didn't canvass my opinion view it's her body she was 19 I was 22, she needed to take action move she could handle me like a McDonald's milkshake sucked off then break the news.

It may be maybe now maybe occasionally I might idly imagine the hypothetical child we missed: an Anglo-Bengali of sixteen unruly cute.

We didn't take dessert coffee walked back to the car in the Square drove around Regent's Haymarket Carlton you know the steps down, the statue

Churchill never give in.

We park the car the Volkswagen Golf get in the back rearrange clothes she wanted to feel me inside her she said before we went home.

We drove to the station in the rain where I kissed her hard taste of Maybelline cum and steak.

Mother love “I'm pregnant” she mutters squeezes my arm “twelve weeks” like it’s me mine but it's not I never had her ever except dreams.

I lean across “That's wonderful” smile another one gone, I'm a little bit turned on the swelling breast-milk Can you feel it kick?

“I'm gonna carry on do everything as normal” she insists pinches my cheek, I smile back imagine what she means.

Chemo His eyes are clear blue-white like egg unveined like a child's, this 80-year old philanderer divorcĂŠ on chemotherapy as we speak, I eye them jealously; I want blue eyes.

Suffer what there is to suffer enjoy what there is to enjoy he adjures me word of Buddha maybe only isn't I shoulda blaze a trail you know burning path a name kinna thing?

His eyes are bright alight with old man wisdom hungry to impart: life is suffering he reminds me regard both suffering and joy as parts of life; I check my phone ten minutes have passed; his eyes are distant on some kinna future

apart.

Love is all around ExtremeTube Subbygirls – Saturday afternoon I found your profile via facebook. was excited? Your cute!

Got big boobs, and a big butt…and know how to use them Pure xxx films made by women, for men German couple first time SpankWire Misha Cross suck dick Doggy good doggy Lick Secrets! 2 sisters take turns in the gloryhole Send me a f#ckbͯuddy rēquest. My username is SexyNicole Do u hAve a big cock? I wan it deep in my pu$$y .

Screenname Doti 1983 :) KALEE HUNTER GETS HER HOT CAMELTOE FUCKED BY MALKY! Horny couple fucks on the balcony Petra Mis fucking POV Busty fuck#d anally Unglaublich geiler Orgasmus!

Insta-snatch alert: fuck my puss!

Stepmom has a secret side Wanna fuck a cougar? Meet by phone and fuck in 5 First BGG Faina Ariana Anal Teen Charley Chase interracial Gangbang Nice hot wife gets fuck by BBC black man

Hospital of Dr Cum I so h0rny rigḩt noͣw...My screenname Ladytoy91 Want to fuck-flirt I want to h̸00kup HIDE THIS WEBSITE FROM YOUR WIFE – A site that lets you instantly fuck Sexy College Teen Returns for Higher Le*rning Wanna lick ring???

Anal Masters 1 MILF Watersp/rts fun Mature whore rides big cock Sugardaddy gets shock H̑ej m̮y sexy bear i see ur online Good love 07866 344159

Soulmate “No I'm not looking for random sex” she says sips her tea green “I'm looking for a soulmate not someone with a big cock though those things are nice.”

She tries to keep her average up three four dates a week Guardian Soulmates Tinder Happn it's a numbers game Snapchat meet for coffee juice who can say?

“Have you tried amyl?” she wants to know “I had a great date last week this guy took me to an expensive hotel champagne poppers sex.

We have nothing in common like my ex, he's well-hung but dumb.

It's great while I'm waiting for something to come up the right kinna thing; you gotta keep on looking.”

internet MSN: there's infections incursions something moving in deaths disasters natural man-made FB: Aleksandr Tipuric in bikini Kay Dobie Shapol Aram's post some thing about Kurdistan genocide massacre a town is it a city under siege; if I 'Like' her thing posting campaign page whatever will she like me make love to marry me will she?

Chemical weapons stockpiled in Syria Israeli jets Kurdistan in between if I embrace your country Shapol your cause will you please reproduce with me?

Someone's coming in close window close computer quick assume meditative pose pensive like I'm thinking about some thing kinna torment maybe

a compassion pain feeling, you get it off of internet.

Wankbank night after the day after New Year's Eve Jeanie back arched hands stretched above her head berried nipples invite me her body responds involuntarily Anna Keady little bit horny little bit tease layers of fabric chafing breathe Jeanie skin taut head lightly banging the headboard Helen cold with firm siliconed breasts brutal pitiless sex we walked and walked Wells-next-the-Sea we found a churchyard St Barnabas she lay on a barrow green with moss Isaac Samuelson 1838-73 Engineer the sound of cows in the field a tractor far off crows thick with blood cawed in the trees grimaces the pain sweet closed eyes Katja let me use her the pub lavatory her bland sex Chinese tea I told her I'd been seeing other women a Last Tango thing she was more In the Mood for Love "Why did you do it?" it aroused me a little bit Jeanie gaze focused on the feeling slow stop-go Kleenex under the pillow Japanese masseur www.redtube.com persuades his client to lose the clothes skilful hands pause video tax returns January 31 my first love cheated it hurt and excited me Manchester Piccadilly in a cab a cardigan cashmere Agnès B the neck reached down to her Wonderbra her breasts handsome yielding 34C driver watched in his rearview horny Jo half drunk on champagne on Primrose Hill kissing as the sun goes down entwined on her sofa wait until the fifth sixth date Jeanie urgent breaths jaw clenched tractor field the pub lavatory removed her shirt Alex bra pants like plucking fruit her parents' home

I had to leave “So what'd that mean?” The Spice Girls Gerri Union Jack dress pushed up round her waist Jeanie claws at my back thighs squeeze Abbie girlish unsure sons restless the bedroom next door hand on the doorknob can't sleep I pull the duvet back the lion off-guard asleep he knew she's mine now belongs to me whimpering her eyes accuse and invite me banging gainst the headboard gravestone Jeanie taxi driver Agnès B

#4 You know I said it’s fine I’m fine Why? Why now why? hope you're really happy and I do I do all I'm saying's if I had a wish You promised me you fucking promised if I had a dream come true mine would be you'd get cancer d'you know what I mean?

What are you’re leaving why?!

Not painful or disfiguring you’ll still be hot nothing like that but terminal though maybe heart you should listen to your heart You said you were my forever lover like Jacko, or spleen?

All I'm asking's a painless but certain death you know what I mean I know you do.

I'm just trying to be honest you gotta Tell her about it everyone knows that Tell her all your crazy dreams Joel Billy all I'm saying's for me I'd be better off dead (you).

Because all that Wishing you the best is nice

and I do kinna but that's thinking about you; for me it's more desirable better if you = dead seen?

I would rather you were in the ground lesbian or quadriplegic than watch another man have you; that's nice isn't it romantic?

You are not about the future you’re about now the dance of life all present and shit but I want forever now, let’s do it together for me.

Selfie “You wanna get some in?” eyebrow raised “Split a couple grams?

Half a V?” The coke takes you up Viagra keeps you there “There's someone I think you should meet married likes to share.

She's Australian” he adds “I think.”

All she needs she wants photos you know selfies before she'll commit; fully/semi “That's okay isn'it?”

She's on a working-visa no kids likes to explore Craig's List public spaces crosses boundaries opens doors.

I want that too I think take it to the edge, it's just different is all.

3

When he took me in his hand I had to look at her to keep my focus she was watching Britain's Got Talent on tv; he alternates slow languorous licks and frequent glances at me, I switch between San San by twisting my neck and mental images of Lady Diana Christina Aguilera Brooke Shields.

When he'd caught his breath looks up expectantly there’s something he didn’t see I guess there was pain in his eyes; he wanted more than a blowjob he wanted to convert me but that didn't happen it was just a one night thing.

previous credits ‘on Shepherd's Bush’, Poetry of Place: London (an anthology), Rogerson Books, 2011 ‘on your shoe’, ‘to do:’, ‘her’, ‘All’ and ‘Channel 4, 18.00’ selected by irk magazine, 2011 ‘Dripdrippy-drip’ & ‘This girl who was looking at me’ published in The Delinquent magazine, July 2009 ‘My Neighbour’, ‘Wonderbra®’ and ‘Wankbank’ seleted by Meatsongs magazine, 2014 ‘likes’, ‘caffe cuppe’ and ‘on tea’, The Playerist magazine, October 2015

they said ‘I am beyond entertained...the [works] are funny and strange and I think I love them.’ Charlie Inman, Creative Director of Mother (World’s No.1 advertising agency) ‘[his] writing has such a modern feel...great writing!’

Gary L, The Delinquent (Magazine) ‘...great genius’ Jean Boht (star of BBC1’s ‘Bread’) ‘Deranged’ Al Young, St Luke’s (No.1 UK advertising agency) ‘The anticipation of A40 Love is riveting. The culmination of the conversation and the heartbreak at the end...evokes gut-wrenching emotions from the reader... I adore [his] work. So honest and revealing.’ Cate McCall, hello poetry (Collection) ‘Totally describes the generation these days...so many contradictions.’ Martin Slidel, Editor, The Playerist Magazine ‘This poem [FB Event] was moving all over the screen as I read it! Outstanding!...I got hit in the face reading [Contains Scenes of a Graphic Nature]! [He] really [has] a gift for making words come to life.’

Randolph L Wilson, hello poetry (Collection) ‘weird’ Jyoti Sagar, Psychotherapist.

‘Biggs I saw the pic [Samsung]. And the Mercedes u were talking about. I seen pics of both u and her in it.’

Cully, hello poetry (Collection)