Empire Times 42.6

EMPIRE TIMES YOUR STUDENT MAG

42.6 SEX ISSUE

it's Free!

Artwork by Melanie Pal

- Editorial -

Hey peeps!

Hi all!

Hey you,

Welcome to the sex issue, chock full of sexy, happy fun times! From when it’s too early to say ‘I love you’. to a look at consent culture, to exploring privacy and whether or not marriage should be abolished all together, this issue has it all!

There are many issues that can be discussed for this edition’s theme of sex.

In early June this year, coinciding with International Sex Workers’ Day, sex workers united on SA’s Parliament House steps to push for the decriminalisation of sex work.

Sex is considered a fundamental human experience. Except it’s not exactly exclusive to humans. Most animals do it; mammals, some birds, even bedbugs do it (although their sex is a lot more horrifying and involves literally stabbing through exoskeleton). It’s a means of reproduction, but also a means of bonding; a social interaction. Chemical reactions during sex have been shown to increase affection for your partner over time. Yet it can also be a bit of no-stringsattached fun.

Before I left on my travels overseas last year, whenever I thought about Amsterdam my immediate thoughts were of sex, drugs and Eurovision. Drugs, you can always say no (or yes if you feel the need!), Eurovision, I was intrigued, and sex, I was equal parts excited and hesitant about what I would see. Whenever I had heard people talk about the red light district it was in hushed, reverent tones, something to shy away from, and something not to talk about too loudly. It was a part of society that, yes, existed, but it was not something to be brought up in everyday conversations.

However when I arrived in the city, I was surprised and delighted to see that the city did not hold my same reservations.

Amsterdam was a beautiful, accepting city that very much kept to the mentality of ‘if it is not hurting anyone else, do it quietly!’ The red light district was clean and I was fascinated! It was a beautiful place to visit and I am counting down the days till I return, so remember, don’t do anything you wouldn’t do in Amsterdam!

Sex work decriminalisation is a pertinent issue that people should not be too hasty in judging or sweeping under the rug. For many sex workers, decriminalisation could mean the difference between feeling comfortable reporting a problem to the police and letting a victim suffer in silence while the perpetrator gets off scot-free.

As the law currently stands, how can sex workers feel protected when going to the police may result in their own persecution?

It is incredibly important that sex workers be given the same support and protection as any other person in a different job.

Additionally, a recent step forward has been made in the U.S. which has seen the legalisation of same-sex marriage in all 50 states. This is a momentous occasion that should be celebrated and I only hope that Australia will get its shit together soon.

Take care for now and enjoy the read, Jess

Much Love

Sex is also about control; in that, by controlling sex, you can control people.

Religions do it, governments do it, pushy neighbourhood watch groups do it.

We’re constantly bombarded with all sorts of social expectations, from when you should lose your virginity, to how many partners you should have, who you should do it with, and even how you should deal with the consequences.

At the end of the day, sex should be simple. It should just be an act between two (or more) consenting adults, preferably with some form of protection.

Nothing else should matter.

Yet there’s no escaping all the complex issues around what we do in the bedroom (or kitchen, or McDonalds bathroom.) At the end of the day, just make sure that doesn’t stop you from enjoying it.

Laura Simone

TOP PICKS FOR THIS ISSUE

TOP PICKS FOR THIS ISSUE

TOP PICKS FOR THIS ISSUE

p. 13 p. 28 p. 12 p. 19

p. 15 Sex and Coffee with Robots p. 32 Calling for a True Free Love Movement p. 38 A Man’s Gotta Do What A Man’s

Gotta Do

p. 10 p. 13 p. 20

p> ??

The Choice is Mine The L Bomb I’m Not a Naturally Hairless Fembot Consent Culture

Openly Sexual: Sex Education The Choice is Mine Alone...

Marriage Equality? Why Not No Marriage At All? Never Have I Ever...Why Do Games Always Turn Sexual?

1

OH HELLO there.

EDITORS Jess Nicole Laura Telford Simone Corletto

SUB-EDITORS Jess Miller Tamsin Alexander Kayla Gaskell Liam McNally Anupol Bordoi Riana Kinlough Justina Ashman

COLUMNISTS Jonno Revanche Emma Sachsse Kaisha Wyld Eleanor Danenberg Kelly Guthberlet Kevin Clark Aden Beaver Bethany Lawrence

ILLUSTRATORS Sheydin Dew Benjamin Hall Hannah Everett Amber Hall Aden Beaver

CONTRIBUTORS Brian Gardiner Kayla Gaskell Melanie Pal J.R. Koop Amy Manners Laura Telford Hannah Beadle Sarah Barrett Katalin Kiss Emma Cresdee James Vigus Liam McNally Lisa Merlot Amy Hueppauff Tamsin Alexander Caleb Pattinson Pavithra Nuthakki Georgia Brass Piri R. Eddy Jaz Priddey

SEX ISSUE

Issue 6 Vol 42 July 2015 empire.times@flinders.edu.au www.empiretimes.com.au Advertising: stephanie.walker@flinders.edu.au Empire Times is the student publication of Flinders University. All work within remains the property of the producers and may not be reproduced without their consent. Empire Times reserves the right to republish in any format.

Empire Times would like to acknowledge the Kaurna people who are the traditional custodians of the land Flinders University is situated on. We would also like to pay our respects to the elders past and present of the Kaurna nation and extend that respect to other Aboriginal peoples.

“The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the editors, Flinders University, or Flinders University Student Association. Reasonable care is taken to ensure that Empire Times articles and other information are up-to-date and as accurate as possible, as of the time of publication, but no responsibility can be taken by Empire Times Magazine for any errors or omissions contained herein.”

FRONT COVER Sheydin Dew

INNER FRONT COVER Melanie Pal

BACK COVER Amber Hall

FUCK YEAHS • • •

The US legalised same-sex marriage across all 50 states Flinders Speakeasy is now printing its own zines!

Spring is nearly here!

WITH THANKS TO Robert and Kym at Flinders Press for all their help and support through the printing of ET. Thank you to everyone who came out to the ET party a few months back—it was lovely to see and chat with each and every one of you!

Index INTRO

FEATURES

CREATIVE

1

EDITORIAL Words from the Editors

22

POLITICS Jacqui Lambie

6

PREZ DISPENSER A message from the President

18

7

INTERVIEW WITH COUNCIL Accessibility Officer

SEX EDUCATION What should we know at school?

CONSENT CULTURE What is it?

19

COLUMNS 8 10 12

EQUALITY Privacy OPENLY SEXUAL Sex education: get it while you can WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT I’m Not a Naturally Hairless Fembot

20

MARRIAGE EQUALITY? Why not NO marriage?

24

VOX POP Voice of the people

26

GISELLE BASTIN Best Teacher

28

THE L BOMB When do you say ‘I love you’?

29

LOVE ACTUALLY Is it an allegory for the real PM?

30

NEVER HAVE I EVER...

Why do games always turn sexual?

34

FICTION Sex education and playground whispers

36

FICTION Sex and other unmentionables

38

FICTION A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do

40

POETRY Volcanic; My love child

FUN STUFF 43 CROSSWORD Win movie tickets!

13

FEMINISM The Choice is Mine Alone

15

TECHNOLOGICA Sex and Coffee with Robots

44

MUSIC How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful

32

CALLING FOR A TRUE FREE LOVE MOVEMENT

45

LEVEL UP Hatoful Boyfriend

34

THE JOYS OF MOTHERHOOD When puberty hits home

46

FOOD REVIEW Sex Food

41

ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN An open letter to the mother of my partner’s children

48 QUIZ Where will you find your soulmate?

48

Where will you find your soulmate?

28

21

46

22

pop

vox

24

19

3

Letters to the Editors dear editors, i heard that christopher pyne has put fee deregulation back on the table. I don’t think I can afford to pay $100,000 for my degree and will probably drop out. do you know if the university is fighting these so called reforms? xoxo concerned student without rich parents

dear EDITORS & concerned student without rich parents, “As you will be aware the Higher Education Reform Bill did not pass through the Senate and it is unclear what the Government will do, going forward. If there is a cut to university funding, that would place pressure on all universities, including Flinders, in relation to fees.

Flinders has a proud reputation of high academic standards and a long history of commitment to social justice, equity and access.

We will ensure that this remains at the heart of any decisions that have to be made as a consequence of any reform. Be assured that we will strive to ensure every student is able to reach their academic potential, and we’re already considering measures such as equity and merit scholarships to that end.”

—Vice Chancellor Professor Colin Stirling

dear editors, You guys are great. keep up the good work. i think more competitions would be good. It gets students more involved.

Love your loyal reader, Adam t

Get in touch! Send in a letter to the Eds to empire.times@flinders.edu.au or fb.com/empiretimesmag

Dear Editors, The sex issue? Isn’t every issue of ET the sex issue?

From, Regular Reader

dear editors, always enjoy reading. Have had a 100% success rate for interesting articles. thanks for all the effort you put in.

From, matthew bird

#FLASHBACK TO ET IN 1992

5 curious as to what et looked like through history? check out special collections at the library or ask the eds!

Prez Dispenser

The Student Council President (“Prez”) is the official spokesperson of students and the Student Council. They make representations on behalf of students to the university, media, government, and external organisations.

James Vigus Sex has always been a battleground and not least of these battles has been over Gay and Lesbian rights.

are anti-discrimination laws, even if we know they are not always enacted fairly.

The modern LGBTQI rights movement was born in the USA during the late 60s, in riots against police raids at New York’s Stonewall bar. Similar incidents occurred in Australia at the first Sydney Mardi Gras when police showed further brutality against participants. Events like these were watershed moments in a movement that has fundamentally changed sex and relationships in Australia for the better—and not simply for LGBTQI people. In South Australia, 2015 marks the 40th anniversary of the decriminalisation of sex between two consenting men.

Despite advances we have a long way to go in combating homophobia and transphobia. We all know that a homophobic federal ban on same-sex marriage persists, and that far too many politicians in both major camps (excuse the pun) are determined to white-ant efforts to legalise gay marriage.

In his detailed summary of LBGTQI history, Living out Loud: A history of gay and lesbian activism in Australia, Graham Willett reminds us that... ‘It is not so long ago that to be a homosexual in Australia was to be feared, hated and persecuted.’ Willet explores how the predominant attitudes towards homosexuals were backed by a range of official institutions, and attitudes were swallowed even by some LGBTQI people: Lesbians and homosexual men were widely believed to be evil, psychologically disordered or, at best, pathetically unhappy people. Religion called it a sin, psychology a mental illness. The law made male homosexual acts, even between consenting adults, illegal, and prescribed harsh terms of imprisonment...The virus of hate had infected even the homosexuals themselves.

Many were, or believed that they were, in fact, what society said: mad or bad or sad. Others had resisted or thrown off the selfhate but lived with fear that if they revealed themselves they would lose their family, their friends and their jobs. How very different are attitudes today? (Willet, 2000) Willett’s assertion—that there has been a fundamental, attitudinal shift in Australia since the late 1960s—is well founded. Although only the most heartless or blinded person would deny that homophobia and bigotry are alive today, it is clear that on many scores we have progressed.

For a start—a big start—there are vastly more LGBTQI people ‘out’ today, and many of these people live openly in committed same-sex relationships. At least today there

A recent study has found levels of homophobia are rife amongst young Australian men. In a study published by mental health organisation Beyondblue, 304 teenage Australian males were surveyed about their attitudes towards lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) people, and researchers found a frightening level of homophobia in a wide range of attitudinal indicators.

It should not surprise us that such attitudes exist, after all, there are still a number of laws in South Australia (and federally) that discriminate against people based on sexual orientation. Homophobia still gets a degree of official sanction (albeit a quiet nod) when governments refuse to apply anti-discrimination laws. Private schools, for example, can still legally expel a student for being gay.

The LGBTQI rights movement shows us that, to win sexual liberation, we have to fight for our rights in wider society. Freedoms are won—not given—in this society and we all need to continue our collective efforts to win more freedoms and shift attitudes.

I encourage everyone to watch the upcoming FUSA screening of the heart-warming film Pride, the true story of solidarity between lesbian and gay rights activists and mining communities facing annihilation from forced mine closures in Margaret Thatcher’s Britain. Stories like these are full of important lessons for how LGBTQI rights and sexual freedoms are part and parcel of a struggle for a better world for all.

- James Vigus, Student Council President

Inside Student Council : Accessibility Officer

Accessibility Officer shall advocate for students who live with a disability and advise the Student Council on any practice that may be deemed ablest, or may discourage those living with disabilities from joining or attending FUSA events

Amy Hueppauff

Why did you run for Student Council?

I ran for the position of Accessibility Officer on the Student Council because I’m very passionate about equality and making sure everyone has the same opportunities. It also really frustrates me that there is still so much stigma towards people with disabilities and this is something I would like to help put an end to here at Flinders University.

Everyone should be given the same chances to succeed in life, regardless of ability.

What kind of issues does the Accessibility Officer handle?

The Accessibility Officer’s job is to represent students with disabilities and to advocate for their rights. Students with disabilities can come to me for help with any issues relating to their lives at university, and if I can’t directly help them with their problem I’ll help them find the person who can.

What is the one issue you’d really like to tackle this year?

There are a few issues that I have been trying to address this year as Accessibility Officer. Firstly, I would like to help reduce the stigma that still surrounds disabilities. I hope to work towards this through events such as R U OK? Day and Mental Health Week.

I’ve also been looking into the development of a mobile app for navigating the university for those with disabilities.

Another problem I’ve been trying to address, is the fact that the Registry Road bus area is very inaccessible and at times quite dangerous due to the narrow footpaths. Progress is being made and the university is currently looking at the options for improving it so hopefully we will be seeing work on this get underway soon!

How can people help out?

The best way for people to get involved is through the FUSA Accessibility Collective. Once it’s up and running I will be organising regular meetings for students with disabilities. If you would like to get involved please email me and I will let you know when the first meeting will be held which should be sometime at the start of next semester.

Best way for students to contact you?

The best way for students to contact me is to email me at accessibility.officer@flinders.edu. au so please don’t hesitate to get in contact with me if you have any issues or just want to have a chat!

INTERVIEWEE Amy Hueppauff

7

- Equality -

PRIVACY Opinions by Jono Revanche

I am lucky to have procured the illusion of privacy.

I believe privacy is a human right. Everyone deserves to keep something about them private if they believe it will protect them, keep them socially comfortable, or give them power in the right circumstances. I believe that vulnerability is important, and sharing yourself is an essential part of respect and human nature, but that vulnerability isn’t given to everyone. (I’m referring mainly to personal issues, but it could go beyond that!)

It should not be something that creates a rift in discussion or debate. I won’t pretend that privacy isn’t, in many situations, a privilege. Not everyone’s privacy is valued equally and, if you are gay or trans, privacy might not be something you are offered very much.

I knew protecting myself as a queer person would be handy.

I saw what privacy gave people and how it offered a balance, and I saw how other queer people were treated when it came to their private life. I felt eager to cover myself in woollen cloth to disguise that, yes, I was wearing a velvet dress underneath, and frankly it doesn’t matter if it’s Dior because I Am In Charge Of My Own Choices. I have always been excellent at putting up these walls, sometimes to my detriment, and not all of them as literal as the example above. I made sure that I always had something to go back to; a personal life and home to explore away from prying eyes. Some of these habits were healthy, and some of them perhaps were not. I feel like things have changed over time, and as I mature, I become aware of who is worth sharing things with. I think that, although it’s understandable, we can’t be continuously putting up barriers just because of bad experiences.

Unfortunately, for LGBTQ people it can be a necessary survival skill. Privacy is the guarantee of social safety in a threatening world. This pressure often leaves us feeling exploited, drained, or with nothing left for ourselves. It is only human to want privacy, to keep things precious, sometimes even though we shouldn’t. We have the right to protect ourselves. It is only up

to the individual to decide how much of themselves they are comfortable sharing. I suppose this is why I have the deepest, darkest hatred for Hunter Moore…but that’s a conversation for another day.

In one of the essays in Bad Feminist, Roxanne Gay touches upon privacy and explores it in relation to gay men. She talks about Frank Ocean, the RnB singer and member of controversial hip-hop group Odd Future, and his curious relationship with the media and his fans. When he came out, his privacy was completely disregarded. He was not granted the privileges a straight person in a relationship would have been given, and his sexuality was considered to be the only thing worth talking about.

Straight or cis people never have to feel the pressure of coming out to their family, their workplace or their friends, and to feel the stress and trauma of what will happen if they aren’t accepted.

Are we all destined to become think pieces or novelties or freak shows for a heterosexual audience? There is a long narrative of the queer person only being useful as entertainment, as something to joke about, and at best, someone who will perform.

Historically I see this with Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, Drag Queens, and people who fit outside the binary gender spectrum like Grace Jones. Everything about us is free to dissect and analyse.

The word ‘queer’ in itself as a reclaimed slur says a lot about the history of LGBTQ people and our perceived otherness.

When these labels and sexual choices become unwilling ‘identities’ for people when they weren’t asked for, they become a really insidious form of social regulation. These labels are as much a way for people who aren’t LGBTQ to categorise us, shame us, and feel entitled to our personal lives when they simply don’t have any business to know.

“

There is a long narrative of the queer person only being useful as entertainment, as something to joke about, and at best, someone who will perform.

“

If you are a queer man or trans person and happen to have installed a dating app at any point in the last few years, you may have realised that there is a very toxic way of addressing your sexual preference that seems inescapable. You could be using Grindr, Hornet, the supposedly ‘classier’ Tinder (and, let’s not pretend, that accolade rests on its ability to serve straight people as well) or the thousand other alternatives. You realise very quickly that there are a lot of sexual categories and it is your responsibility to adapt yourself to one of them right now, please and thank you.

Naturally, you will be asked the question of whether you are a ‘top or a bottom.’ There is only one choice. For some reason, this is just the way things are in the queer community—but this is a larger cultural thing too. As a gay man specifically, masculine guys are pressured into being ‘tops’ and feminine guys are pressured into being ‘bottoms’ because of the cultural ideas we have about strength and weakness. I find this is reflective of a lot of toxic hegemony in mainstream life and don’t understand it. There’s also deeper discussion here about Asian men being pressured into ‘submissive’ roles, and black men being pressured into ‘dominant’ roles by white partners, but that deserves its own article. If you don’t choose a label for yourself in the LGBTQ community, it will often be chosen for you. This is the red pill/blue pill of the gay community. You must choose wisely. Fate lies within your hands, or if you are more adventurous, your fists. These binaries affect queer women in similar ways as well, but often it is a lot more subtle.

Perhaps it is not all bad that there is open communication and respect for individual sexual choice here. This makes it easier to find someone who corresponds with you sexually. In a lot of LGBTQ communities, there’s an expectation that these labels go beyond just sex, and that people are owed that information. Trans people are not often afforded this right either, and are often asked invasive questions about sex and genitalia, when that information

is not necessarily something that needs to be shared, specifically to strangers. This could potentially lead to violence against them, too.

It’s actually possible for neither of the men/trans/lesbian/ gender queer people in a relationship to be a ‘top’ or a ‘bottom’ or anything else. There’s also no requirement for anyone in these queer relationships to divulge this information. In a surface way it’s a useful method of finding out who you’re sexually compatible with, but it’s not inherently positive, especially when it leaves the bedroom. I’ve seen how these things can become part of a personality for some people—which is fine—but it’s totally in the minority. It’s so belittling to feel that you need to explain your sexual choices that you have to even bring this up so often to define your place in the world.

Yet, this is such a common occurrence in queer communities and even to spectators who are outside of these communities.

Where is the privacy for LGBTQ people? Even women in samesex relationships are asked whether they are the ‘man or the woman’ in their relationship, as if even relationships outside of heterosexuality have to rely on a specific sort of power structure in order to make other people comfortable. These sort of questions are never asked of straight and/or cis people, and there is never that same sort of expectation to divulge personal information, especially information that leads back to sex or intimacy.

We all deserve the power of privacy and the freedom to explore our complex identities at our own pace.

AUTHOR Jonno Revanche, 23, Counselling If Jonno could date any celebrity it would be Frank Ocean absolutely! Or Ezra Miller. “I also love Emma Watson and all the members of the band EXO

9

OPENLY SEXUAL

“

There should be no embarrassment about wanting to learn more. Why is it okay to look at stupid clips of shocking sex acts or masturbate to crappy porn, but embarrassing to seek out knowledge and to want to better yourself and become a better lover?

“

sex education

get it while you can with Emma Sachsse

If you are having sex right now I want you to stop. Now I want you to think about the sex you are having. Is it any good? Is it really good? Are you any good at it? How would you know? It’s not like we have anything to compare it to—not really.

What we can do is try and be the best we can be. Think about it. You study and practise the other things in life you want to be good at—why not sex? I mean, seriously, if you want to be good at maths, you don’t stop at year 10 and say ‘That’s it, I know it all now, especially since I supplemented it with that article in Men’s Health magazine entitled Six Maths Tips that will get you Multiplying like a Pro.’ You also don’t just sit down and play Pokémon and expect to be able to catch ‘em all .

You watch the online videos of experienced players and share cheats and tips with other players in forums. This is what those who are interested in slightly more kinky aspects of sex do. Fetlife (fetlife.com) is there for anyone who wants to learn more about BDSM and to explore and question various aspects that interest them.

But what about the rest of us who are not particularly kinky and who just want to get vanilla sex right? Well, there is an internet full of sex but most people just end up with the porn. There is almost as much porn as there are ‘kittehs’. Unfortunately, this new porn is not the way to learn about sex—it is the way to learn about porn. An increasing number of people are supplementing their woefully inadequate year 10 sex ed class with porn.

Now for those of you who haven’t been paying attention, new porn is not like the old porn. Boogie Nights is not where it’s at now. In a world of fastpaced internet streaming that can access all areas at all times, porn is constantly trying to outdo itself and remain shocking and interesting. The days of the pool guy coming over and finding the lady of the house up for some ‘rumpy pumpy’ are over. These days, porn actresses are made setready. This is not done by fixing their makeup, but by the director verbally abusing them until they are broken, compliant and ready to be degraded in a ‘gagging’ scene. The money shot is no longer just cumming on her face, it’s now her crying and throwing up whilst a couple of guys cum on her face.

OPENLY SEXUAL Internet porn is not the DVDs with the fun titles like Womb Raider, Missionary: Impossible or Whorry Potter and the Sorcerers Balls (in 3D no less). These now all seem relatively innocent by comparison. The internet titles are just catalogues; lists which read ‘gagging’, ‘teen’, ‘child’, ‘sister’, ‘virgin’, ‘squirter’, ‘anal’ etc. because that is how they are looked up. If you want to see octopus porn you type in ‘octopus porn’ and press ‘search’ (don’t, no really, I mean it, don’t).

No need for fancy titles or exposition, just scenes of whatever it is that you would like to jack off to—instantly.

If you are starting to think that this is what actual sex in the real world should look like, you are wrong. By watching this porn you are training your brain to get turned on by it and may find yourself unable to be turned on by actual sex with a real person with real genitals (let alone ones that have some actual hair or desires of their own).

So here is the thing: you are at university.

You have access to a great library full of interesting books about sex and access to all the latest research papers about sex. There is an entire internet that exists, which has a ton of information about sex and how to do it well, that isn’t porn. So why don’t you educate yourself? Aim to have really good sex. Aim for your partner to have even better sex (preferably with you!).

There should be no embarrassment about wanting to learn more. Why is it okay to look at stupid clips of shocking sex acts or masturbate to crappy porn, but embarrassing to seek out knowledge and to want to better yourself and become a better lover? What’s wrong with being a considerate, engaging, enjoyable sex partner who knows how to pleasure themselves and their partners?

I read and learn about sex all the time and sometimes the book titles I carry around make for interesting conversations at cafes. At least here at uni, in the library, you can pass it off as research. Which it is, and it could be some of the most rewarding research you do while you are here. Hell, you can always just say you are writing a column about sex.

AUTHOR Emma Sachsse, 42, Bachelor of Psychology (Hons) Emma would date John Oliver because he cares about the world and he makes her laugh.

A quick search of the library will show you that they have a lot of interesting books about sex and a quick search on Google Scholar will find many, many papers about sex written from medical, philosophical, historical, sociological or psychological points of view. Take your pick.

Did you know that a quick online search at the Flinders Library yields 179,857 results for ‘sex education’?! Don’t delay!

Find better sex in the library!

11

- Feminism -

We Need to Talk About...

Double standards, traditional beauty expectations, gender norms, body autonomy.

I’m actually not a naturally hairless fembot.

by Eleanor Danenberg The fact that the contents of this column will make people uncomfortable speaks volumes about the issue at hand, and the fact that many will be put off by the mere title, says even more.

This time a year ago, I wrote about the #freethenipple movement and now I’ll be writing on a very similar subject: body hair. So, what do nipples and body hair have in common? They’re a natural part of everyone’s bodies, yet only men’s are widely accepted.

Quite a hullabaloo was caused a few months back when Miley Cyrus began proudly posting pictures on social media of her brightly dyed underarm hair. Soon after, Girls actress and artist Jemima Kirke showed off her armpit hair on the red carpet.

However, these ladies aren’t the first. Madonna famously showed off her pits on Instagram last year with the fantastic caption ‘Long hair……don’t care!!!!!!’, and Julia Roberts caused uproar when she attended the 1999 Notting Hill premiere, daring to raise her arm and wave to the crowd when she had some underarm hair going on.

The truth is, body hair is one of the greatest double standards between men and women. Women are expected to shave/wax/ laser/pluck/thread/bite off* their leg, underarm, and pubic hair. I also know a few women who regularly remove their arm hair too.

The double standard is that boys aren’t taught in childhood that their body hair is bad, embarrassing, and ugly, but girls are.

The double standard is that for men, body hair is attributed to strength, power, and normality; but for women, body hair is unacceptable, and deemed gross and unfeminine. That stream of logic just leads us down the bleak rabbit hole of gender norms, and socially constructed ideals of masculinity and femininity, of ‘men know how to drive manual cars and play sports, women are good at cooking and talking about their feelings’. These norms aim to inhibit both men and women, outlining what is acceptable for each sex; for instance, male nurses get a lot of crap for doing a ‘feminine’ or ‘girly’ job.

When did it become widely common for women to begin getting rid of their body hair anyway? The story goes that in 1915, as a response to more revealing women fashions, Gillette released the very first lady-razor, designed for legs and underarms. Also, as pornography has become more mainstream and ‘porn culture’ is seeping into everyday life, more and more women are completely hairless down there. Women are receiving the message to get rid of their unacceptable body hair from the media, from porn culture, and from companies like Gillette that want to make

money from making women feel like there is something wrong with their natural bodies.

When looking at the comments on online articles about this new trend of ladies growing out our underarm hair, the sexism is astounding. People comment that they’re going to vomit, that it’s not attractive**; some men comment that they would divorce their wives if the cheeky wench tried to do that too.*** Some comment that underarm hair is dirty and smelly, which is partially true, but does this stop men from growing their underarm hair?

No. Has men’s underarm or leg hair ever caused such a stir as this trend? No. The purpose of this column is not to bully or shame any women who do or do not remove their body hair, or to judge how women respond to the multitude of pressures and unrealistic beauty standards we are faced with. I am also not saying that getting rid of body hair is anti-feminist. I think it is important to keep an open mind, and to question why we do the things we do, and think the way we think. It’s an interesting question for everyone to ponder; why do women let so much external pressure influence what we do with our own bodies? And why do women get punished when we reclaim our bodies and exercise our rightful control over them? * By the way, I was joking about the biting off hair thing, girls don’t do that.

Unless, I was stranded on a desert island with no hair-removing implements; in that case, I would totally spend hours physically contorting myself to pull out every strand of leg/underarm/pubic hair with my teeth. Because that time-consuming and painful process would be preferable to anyone finding out that I’m actually not a naturally hairless fembot. **Spoiler alert…believe it or not, not every choice that women make revolve around a man’s approval, or their own attractiveness. ***Anyone who thinks that they should dictate what their partner does with their body and body hair, deserves to have their face waxed off.

AUTHOR Eleanor Danenberg, 19, Bachelor of Arts (High Achievers) If Eleanor could date any celebrity, it would be celebrity chef Jamie Oliver.

Reason no. 1: The food. Reason no. 2: The accent. Reason no. 3: The food.

- Feminism -

The choice is mine alone...

Words by Kaisha Wyld

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“Feminism means having a choice. And feminism doesn’t care which choices you make, either.

Just that you have them. The

Abortion is the medical and purposeful termination of a pregnancy. The choice to terminate a pregnancy is ultimately up to the mother. Medical professionals can suggest and even support a decision to abort a pregnancy, but ultimately, like every other medical decision, the choice is that of the person whose body is being directly impacted.

You have the choice to donate your blood and organs.

Even if, by chance, you were the only person with the correct blood type, you will never be required to donate blood to give to someone who is critically ill. You have the ultimate choice in what happens to your body.

Unwanted pregnancies also occur, due to chance, just like having the right blood type, yet suggesting that women have the choice to decide what happens to their body seems to be a contentious issue. Honestly, I cannot understand why, because what one person chooses to do with their body is no one else’s business. Every person should have freedom over their body, and not be viewed as a walking, talking organ or baby machine.

I want to discuss one particular standpoint of many in the abortion debate: the moment of consciousness.

Pro-life enthusiasts contend that the moment of conception marks the beginning of a new life, which has the same rights as a conscious and sentient human being. They consider ending this life to be murder, and most people agree that murder is inherently wrong.

Pro-choice enthusiasts, on the other hand, argue that the moment of conception is not the same as the beginning of consciousness. I can understand the prolife position, and also the pro-choice standpoint, yet I disagree that this issue has anything to do with the moment of foetal consciousness. Safety of abortion timing is important and should be left to medical professionals. It is the mothers’ body, it is the mothers’ life, and it is the mothers’ choice.

No matter how a pregnancy occurs, the actuality

point is to make sure you can give yourself—or not give yourself—of your free will.” ― Rachel Kadish

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I made a choice this morning that had very little impact on anyone else. I feasted on corn flakes instead of weet bix. At the time I gave the freedom of this choice very little thought: both options were available to me, no one tried to stop me from eating either, and I have always been able to choose what I eat for breakfast.

Unfortunately, this freedom of choice isn’t available to many when it comes to a more personal decision: the decision to exercise bodily autonomy and abort a pregnancy.

of giving birth to a child and caring for them is what women consider when they discover they are pregnant.

Some women are ecstatic, others are not. Although it ultimately isn’t anyone else’s business why a woman chooses to have an abortion, it’s important to consider what these reasons may be. The mother’s health is a large concern; both physical and mental. Her body and/ or mind may not be able to support the child which would severely impact upon the child’s life. There may be financial reasons—raising a child is an incredibly expensive task, and few people would want to raise their child in poverty. Of course, it takes two to tango, and I strongly believe that abortion should always be discussed with the partner before, and after the procedure. However, I still believe the woman’s decision is the deciding one—if their partner coerces them to act against their wishes, whose well-being are they really looking out for?

Like my incredibly simple breakfast choice this morning, a woman’s incredibly difficult choice to voluntarily terminate their pregnancy does not impact you, and ultimately has absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else. Because their choice has nothing to do with anyone else, they should have the freedom to be able to make that choice, or at least not have to listen to anyone’s criticisms of the difficult choices they may have to make.

AUTHOR Kaisha Wyld, 22, Bachelor of Psychology (Hons) If Kaisha could date any celebrity it would be Chris Pratt, because velociraptors.

13

technologica Sex and Coffee with Robots

by Kevin Clark

What was your first kiss like? Did it involve closing your eyes, leaning in, pulling the device closer to your lips and then awkwardly trying to react appropriately to the movement of motors and sensors so that the person on the other end of the connection would walk away thinking about how amazing you were at kissing?

No? Future generations may see this become a reality.

but without the tongue. This device allows couples to kiss at a distance, whether it be the other side of town or the world, in real time.

Presumably, we are not far from having similar robots with automated scripts, allowing those who are a little lonelier to spend all evening passionately making out with a robot. All you have to do is ignore the fact that it currently resembles a kids’ toy.

In the future there will be sex robots. That is what you expected to read when you flicked to the technology column in the sex edition, wasn’t it?

These robots will probably be among the earliest realistically human-like robots. In fact, robots such as these already exist (just look at ‘Roxxxy’ and her successors). Adult entertainment has always been an enthusiastic early adopter of technology, with VHS having a strong influence on the porn industry and the quick uptake of the internet having a similar effect. Almost as soon as there was 4K there was 4K porn. For those lucky enough to have an Oculus Rift for immersive gaming and virtual environments, there are already some allegedly immersive porn scenes that allow the user to look around with a full field of vision.

In Japan, where some of the world’s most realistic sex robots and synthetic sex dolls are popular, there is already concern that this artificial stimulation, as well as immersive dating technology, might already be a small contributing factor in a slow population decline.

Forget nuclear war, climate change, a meteor, or a mad science experiment as possible causes of human extinction; trying to build the perfect partner could cause our downfall. Further, with both men and women being subject to unrealistic body standards in the media, how much worse will it be when synthetics can already come premade with custom bust and waist sizes or a choice in muscle tone?

For more sensory stimulation, there are new waves of vibrators and more available, with the industry pushing for constant and further innovation. This has brought us remote controlled vibrators, allowing partners to set the pace and rhythm from their phone regardless of proximity and the ‘Autoblow2’, which does exactly what it sounds like it does. Some vibrators, like ‘Vibease’, even negate the issue of noise by having connected apps that play appropriate audio and time the pulses to match the fantasy scene. As technology becomes better at integrating with our full environment, it is feasible that we are not too far from someone connecting vibrators and robots to all sorts of wearable biosensors (such as those found on many smart watches).

However, technology is not just limited to porn and genital stimulation. ‘Kissenger’ is similar to Howard’s kissing control from Big Bang Theory,

It’s now 2030, you’re cynical as an acquaintance of yours tells you of the amazing time they are having with their latest acquisition—an ‘iSex’.

Maybe you are just a little too conservative, too tied to the traditional human-human sex. I mean, you must admit the latest feature, which allows the robot to brew and pour a cup of coffee made to your liking at any given point in time, does sound kind of cool. Especially as it integrates with the chip in your head to know roughly two minutes before you do, exactly when you will want a coffee. Although you admit that it’s not necessarily the first time you have been turned on by the thought of a cappuccino.

AUTHOR Kevin Clark, 20, Bachelor of Engineering (Software)

15

STUDENT COUNCIL : EDUCATION OFFICER

Caleb Pattinson In amongst all the thought provoking articles in another bumper edition of Empire Times, I want to take a moment to talk about something completely different! I have already briefly written about some of my big agendas for the year and how you can get involved in your education—here I go again!

The truth of the matter is that you, as students, are important to me. I was officially elected as the FUSA Education Officer by students, so your opinions matter. With this in mind, I want you to give me your thoughts and feedback on the following project.

This year I am rolling out a big representation structure around our university. It has a big fancy academic title called the School Associations Project, which as the title suggests involves ‘School’ Associations. Contextually, Flinders University is made up of four Faculties and within those Faculties, there are fourteen Schools. At the core of this project is student representation and engagement.

At the beginning of the year, there were already some great school-based associations that organically evolved through the hard work of dedicated students. The medical, law, business and psychology associations are prime examples of what can be achieved. Throughout the year, we have been benchmarking these associations as something to aim for. At FUSA, we have been working on solidifying the associations that, for whatever reason, have lost their way. At the end of May we committed a bunch of resources to re-launching the Nursing and Midwifery Association at Sturt campus. I write this not only because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, but also because I am against the oppression of any information and believe that the more people know, the more we can converse around the topic.

Out of the fourteen schools at Flinders University, we are currently sitting on around nine established associations, all at various stages of the project. We will continue to work with the invaluable students operating these structures towards a common goal throughout the year. There is something bigger to talk about, however. If mathematics is your strong suit, you would have realised that 14 – 9 = 5, five associations don’t exist yet! The current whispers around the FUSA office are suggesting establishing these five associations on a single day in Semester 2.

These whispers are building momentum and are likely to become

yelling screams, proclaiming the glory of all that this project has to offer.

Dubbed ‘Super Tuesday’, the day where five associations are created simultaneously, stems from the American political system.

The schools left to establish are: Humanities and Creative Arts, Social and Policy Studies, Biological Sciences, Health Sciences and School of the Environment. This project isn’t something for me to simply appear busy—there are numerous reasons for this project.

A school-based association provides additional representation and a voice for the students that, in my current representative position, I fail to hear. In the long run, there will be a strong connection between the FUSA Education Officer and the associations. They will be able to report back on issues applicable on a School level, placement issues or lack of services are common examples. It is near impossible to represent over 20,000 students at Flinders University when your student association is still unrecognised amongst some of the student cohort. Creating the associations will also give representation specific to the degree you are studying, rather than the macro issues I generally advocate for at Flinders University. Yes, pub crawls and balls are great social networking events and we are definitely supportive of the associations running these events. However, it’s also time to get serious about representing you guys, the students.

It is your university—have your say. If you want to comment or question any of the aforementioned, flick me an email at education.officer@flinders.edu.au. We will need hard-working and passionate students to kick-start the five associations so get into contact with me if this is something that interests you.

Student representation is most definitely sexy—make sure you have your say today.

AUTHOR Caleb Pattinson, 21, Bachelor of Science/Bachelor of Education If Caleb could date any celebrity it would be J-Law, Jennifer Lawrence. *Eds note­—check out FUSA’s and Flinders Education Collective page for details on ‘Super Tuesday’: fb.com/FUSAssociation fb.com/fusaeducationcollective

17

WHAT WE SHOULD KNOW: SEX EDUCATION IN SCHOOLS In today’s society, sex is everywhere. On our TV screens, on the radio, on billboards, on the internet, wherever you look, you can see sex. If it’s everywhere though, why isn’t more being done to educate young people about sex, the risks, the benefits and everything in between?

registry. It can result in fines and even jail time. Students are often unaware of the repercussions of their seemingly ‘harmless’ actions, with the Australian federal police prosecuting eight children between the ages of 10 and 17 with child pornography offences in the last six years.

According to experts in the field, including professor Catharine Lumby from Macquarie University, sex education in Australian schools, while improving, is still lacking in providing students relevant, factual information about sex. After spending over three years interviewing teens, Professor Lumby has found that not only are schools lacking in providing practical, useful information, in many cases sex education is taught as an afterthought, and not in a way that is relevant to the modern adolescent. Lumby is pushing for a change in the message that is communicated to today’s youth, stating, “Our sex education needs to teach the ‘no means no’ message, but we also need to teach what does ‘yes mean yes’ look like? And how do you know when you want to say yes?’’

According to Lauren Rosewarne, a gender politics expert from the University of Melbourne, boys are viewing pornography at ages as young as ten, with most of what they are consuming involving violence and submissiveness. Sex education needs to involve more information about the realities of sex. The message taught needs to be more about mutual respect and feeling safe and secure—not only with the other person with whom you are intimate—but with yourself. Teenagers are highly susceptible to outside influences and will often not speak to their parents about sex. Therefore, it is important that they receive the right education at school.

Although the ‘no means no’ message is being delivered relatively well in the current curriculum, there is little emphasis on when it is the right time to say yes to sex. Rather than focusing on abstinence and safe sex (although these things are still crucial messages to deliver) it is important to be realistic. It is necessary to talk to teens about their thoughts, feelings and insecurities relating to having sex and being emotionally ready to become sexually active.

For those schools that teach sex education, many use a highly risk based scope, focusing on safe sex, sexually transmitted infections and the biological and physiological aspects of sex.

Katrina Marson, a sex education advocate, is one of many pushing for a shift away from the risk approach, calling for more emphasis to be placed on discussion surrounding desire and pleasure, in an effort to ensure clear communication between men and women. With the increase in technology—both in the classroom and the changing world in which we live—issues such as sexting, accessing pornography and contraception have become much more relevant, and need to be addressed in the safe space of a classroom environment.

Social media has made sexting a common practice for the average teenager and students need to be aware of the consequences of things like sexting and sending nude photos to people.

Students should be taught that having revealing pictures of a minor, even if the person who has those pictures is also minor, is illegal, and is considered child pornography. According to federal government cyber safety adviser Susan McLean, “kids as young as eight are taking sexually provocative selfies and sending them to friends or posting them online,” and the constant pressure on young people to be sexualised is causing children to forget about their digital footprint and the presence of online predators.

Having and distributing child pornography can have severe legal consequences for teenagers. It can land kids on the sex offender

Consensual sex is also something that needs more attention because young people need to understand the consequences of their sexual acts. Domestic violence is becoming more prevalent in Australia. According to the Domestic Violence Prevention Centre, based in Queensland, almost ‘half a million Australian women reported that they had experienced physical or sexual violence or sexual assault in the past 12 months.’ Australian of the year, and leading anti-domestic violence campaigner Rosie Batty says that teens are misguided by gender stereotypes and violence in society, leading to domestic violence later on in life. In order to truly combat the problem, interventions need to start early in the form of education. From a young age, it is important to educate kids in an age-appropriate manner about sexual assault to help prevent some of the atrocities that some children (and adults) are faced with. Through teaching kids more about their bodies, and empowering them to speak up, hopefully future generations can make a positive change in society.

The major overhaul of the national curriculum at the beginning of 2014 determined that there was no need to significantly alter the sex education curriculum delivered to students. It did however, determine that schools need to have more flexibility in the way they deliver the content, and at what age it is deemed most appropriate for specific students. One of the biggest issues with sex education is that teachers often have very little education themselves about how best to tackle a topic that can make students uncomfortable.. If teachers were educated in a way that focused on how to teach kids about sex, both primary aged children and teenagers, surely we would see the benefits in our students.

AUTHOR Sarah Barrett, 20, Bachelor of Teaching (Secondary) and Bachelor of Arts If Sarah could date any celebrity it would be Ed Sheeran.

CONSENT ‘What is consent?’ It is a question that is asked all the time. What exactly does and does not count as consent?

In general, people may think that consent is a simple ‘yes’ between two adults when those two adults are about to engage in intercourse. Easy, right? Wrong, it is not always that simple.

The general and highly pertinent question is: what does and does not count as a clear ‘yes’?

There are a few things you need to ask yourself when it comes to consent. Is my partner sober and in their right mind? If the answer is ‘no’, it is simply non-consensual.

Consent is valid when all persons participating in a sexual encounter give a clear and sober yes. This part is integral. If you are unable to legally drive a vehicle, then it is likely that you are unable to give informed consent.

There is a common misconception that consent is a ‘yes’ given at the beginning of a sexual encounter. What many people do not realise is that consent needs to be clear and given constantly. So many people end up in uncomfortable situations because they have given consent at the beginning of sex and anything that happens afterwards is simply okay. This is not true. Consent can be taken away at any point during a sexual encounter.

When it comes to what happens in the bedroom, it is important to make sure that everyone feels safe and comfortable. Just because your partner is okay with one form of sexual expression, it certainly does not mean that they will be okay with everything.

It is essential to always seek consent before you do anything.

Another issue pertaining to consent is whether your partner genuinely means ‘yes’. Generally, if your partner has said ‘no’ several times before caving in and saying ‘yes’, that is not consent! Nagging and pressuring someone else into sexual encounters is extremely wrong and it does not make for a safe and fun environment, which is what sex should ultimately be. However, sometimes people may immediately say ‘yes’, for a variety of reasons, even if they are actually unsure or against the idea. Therefore, sometimes you need to read your partner’s body language to make sure that they are acting in such a way that screams ‘YES!’

friend, what is important to remember when entering into a sexual experience, is that you have the power and the right to say ‘no’ to anything, anytime. You do not need to feel guilty for this.

Asking your partner every step of the way if it is okay to do something is not only necessary, but it can also avoid many issues.

Some people just do not like to be randomly kissed or touched and can have negative reactions to it. So this is a short run down on consent. It is a necessary part of having a fun, safe sexual experience.

AUTHOR Jaz Priddey, 22, Environmental Science If Jaz could date any celebrity it would be Lucy Lawless because “she is a famous activist and I feel she would understand my needs!”

ARTWORK Sheydin Dew

Whether you are in a relationship, married, having one nightstand or it is your best

Ensuring that you have consent shows you truly respect your partner. The sweet and important question ‘can I kiss you?’, I think, can be extremely sexy while also demonstrating respect and equality.

19

Marriage equality? Why not no marriage at all?

Heads up—this is going to be controversial! It is practically impossible to take a public stance against same-sex marriage without falling victim to sceptics questioning your moral worth as a fellow human. Firstly, let me make it perfectly clear: I am all for equal love, and same sex relationships are just as real as any other (read that last part carefully as I’ll be coming back to this later). This piece varies from others in not being purely anti-samesex marriage but rather, anti-marriage. For the politically minded, you may be thinking of the ‘Gillard Approach’ but I myself wish to expand this further.

Yes, marriage is important in some religions—fine, let those who are religious marry as part of their faith, independent of the law. Legally, they would still have the same rights as a de-facto relationship, so why the need for legal recognition of marriage?

Some faiths promote polygamy. The Marriage Act does not recognise polygamous relationships, yet these are regarded as just as ‘real’. By extension, this is a form of religious persecution. This could be easily avoided by letting marriage once again become the responsibility of the church for those who are so inclined—not a formalisation by the state.

What is marriage? Where did it come from? Is it needed?

Whilst the exact definition varies amongst different cultures, marriage is generally considered an institution that formalises interpersonal (often sexual) relationships.

In Australia, the Marriage Act 1961 (Cwlth) defines marriage as ‘the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life.’

Sadly, the idea of marriage as being the be all and end all has become entrenched in modern culture and highly unlikely to change. But really, if the same economic benefits are bestowed to un-wed couples, is there really a need for it outside of religious circles—if at all? Yes, weddings can be fun, but there’s nothing to say that you can’t just throw a party.

As for the origins of marriage—this varies as well, with early cultures using marriage as an economic advantage over women since they often had minimal rights before the law regarding property ownership. However, early in Christian history, the relevant churches took it upon themselves to conduct religious ceremonies with the notion that god had to be approving of such unions. Whilst there was the formalisation of ‘love’ this tended to be secondary. However, Christian culture tended to require both parties to be willing.

On that note, same-sex marriage will eventuate in Australia but let us ask ourselves: is it time we did away with marriage for good?

So, if marriage was historically for economic benefit, how are we where we are today? Over the years, various countries imposed their own laws regarding marriage— what it is and what it means for those involved. In Australia, marriage used to provide certain rights when it came to taxation and legal implications regarding relationship separation. Today though, these same rights are afforded to de-facto relationships, including the relationships of same-sex couples. The push for samesex marriage stems from wanting the same rights as heterosexual couples. This is a noble plight, however I think the idea of marriage is fundamentally flawed, no matter the sexual orientation of those involved.

If Brian could date any celebrity it would be Leigh Sales.

AUTHOR Brian Gardiner, 21, Bachelor of Paramedic Science

‘Fawn girl’ by Sheydin Dew

21

Politik

JACQUI LAMBIE

A SENATOR WITH A CAUSE

Jacqui Lambie is the quintessential Australian who found herself flung into power at the 2013 Federal Election as one of the new senators for Tasmania. Already proving to be a colourful character, her rise to fame was part of mining magnate Clive Palmer’s Palmer United Party, which saw a total of four senators elected under Mr. Palmer.

However, as we have already seen, her hardline approach to politics meant her coalition with Mr. Palmer lasted less than a year. Since declaring herself an independent and becoming friends with Senators Xenophon and Muir, she seems to be going from strength to strength, all in the name of democracy. Jacqui Lambie has been a vocal player in the 44th Parliament and, given the reign of a senator is six years, it seems we are in for quite a ride.

When these events first occurred, the press gallery had bets on what Lambie would pick as important issues for her, but it seems even they were surprised by what issues are close to her heart. After spending over 10 years in the Defence Force, from 1989 to 2000, Lambie has demonstrated that veteran affairs is an issue close to her heart, and one that is a high priority for her. For example, in order to protest pension cuts to veterans, Lambie encouraged people to turn their backs on any ministers speaking at Remembrance Day ceremonies. She has also played an instrumental role in holding the Coalition hostage over the passing of the 2014/5 budget, and she seems to be echoing what many in the community are saying regarding asylum seekers.

The 2013 Federal Election result was as unexpected as it was expected. From the re-emergence of Rudd as leader after the dumping of Gillard just weeks before the election was announced, the House of Representatives result was very much known before the counting had even begun. That being said, the Senate result—famously called the ‘house of unrepresentative swill’, by former Prime Minister Paul Keating—was anything but expected. With the election of a whole host of minor and micro party senators, Jacqui Lambie was just one of the incoming many. The emergence of her new party, Palmer United, run by the millionaire Clive Palmer himself, Lambie entered the political scene as an unknown war veteran, winning her place with just 6.59% of the primary vote.

This is not to say that Lambie has been without controversy, particularly over her comments regarding ISIS and Islam. She has received death threats, which threaten to behead her if she does not convert to Islam and support Sharia Law. Lambie has also said she would continue to advocate for tougher regulations on Halal food practices and certifications, and against ‘unnecessary’ face coverings in public. Lambie has also proposed that the death penalty be reintroduced on a case-by-case basis when dealing with crimes involving terrorism. While Lambie’s recent views against the Coalition’s plans to allow ministers to strip dual citizenship on the suspicion of terrorism are surprising, she believes the courts—not the ministers—should have the power.

The honeymoon between Palmer and Lambie did not last very long. Lambie cited bullying and intimidation from Palmer as reasons for leaving the party, retorting that she could not vote in Tasmania’s best interests while still being a Palmer United member. So, she threw out all her yellow, adopting a new colour for a new era in the Lambie reign.

Jacqui Lambie believes that Australia should have a referendum on gay marriage, giving the power back to the people, despite admitting that her personal views are that only a man and woman should be allowed to marry. She claims that if marriage equality was put to a

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Lambie follows no particular left or right orientation, but is more of an abstract paint spill on the political spectrum.

Lambie has put forth an application to the Australian Electoral Commission to start her own political party named the ‘Jacquie Lambie Network’. This would mean that, unlike an independent, she could set up a similar party to that of the Palmer United Party. While this all feels a little too familiar, if she was able to run candidates at the next election it would mean her party platform would be based upon the views of one woman, which in the case of Clive Palmer, has not worked out quite so well.

A problem that seems to be increasingly apparent with Lambie’s time as Senator is that she is prone to personal politics. Whilst she believes in giving more democratic power to the electorate—such as a referendum on marriage equality—it only coincides with cases where she genuinely believes her own view will be sustained.

The development of her own political party named after herself suggests that Jacqui Lambie is in the business of self-branding. While, as an independent this is an absolute necessity, the way in which her personal politics influences Australian politics is another question, especially if her party gets other members elected—no matter how remote that possibility is. Currently, Lambie is able to express her personal views as an independent federal Senator, but this would have to change if she was to have elected members of a party she instigated.

Whilst Lambie seems to have an opinion on everything, there may come a time where her personalised platform means that political deals may be made in her best

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referendum, Australia would vote against it. This could be a significant factor in the ability for Australia to pass marriage equality, especially if the Liberal party is allowed a conscience vote since the numbers reflected in this vote could be tight.

interest, rather than the best interest of the Australian public. In saying this, politics and the good of the Australian people always seems to be subjective.

All in all, Jacquie Lambie is perhaps one of the most interesting people we have had enter politics since ‘Please Explain’ Ms. Pauline Hanson. Her approach to attacking political issues may be extremely pragmatic or idealistic at times, but her split from the Palmer United Party can only be a good thing on her quest to revolutionise Australian politics. Irrelevant of her unusual ways, Lambie has just over four years left to show us who she is, and how she can develop politically. Unless of course, that looming double dissolution appears; which in any case is unlikely at this stage.

Whilst a radical senator in her approach and interesting hard line ideas, Lambie follows no particular left or right orientation, but is more of an abstract paint spill on the political spectrum.

AUTHORS Emma Cresdee, 20, Bachelor of Arts If Emma could date any celebrity it would be Ryan Gosling, that man, when he has the beard and the hair and the abs and the everything...

Laura Telford, 20, Bachelor of Arts (High Achievers) If Laura could date any celebrity it would be Mark Riley

23

VO Q.

1. Katy Perry—her movie was inspirational 2. No, because it supports a negative lifestyle choice

3. Work, friends and pastimes 4. Never

5. Is too serious and doesn’t take a joke well 6. Loves exercise

daniel (education)

1.WHICH CELEBRITY WOULD YOU DATE & WHY? 2. SEX WORK: SHOULD IT BE DECRIMINALISED? 3. YOU’RE ON A FIRST DATE, WHAT ARE 3 TOPICS YOU INEVITABLY TALK ABOUT? 4. DO YOU JUDGE A PERSON

BY THE NUMBER OF SEXUAL PARTNERS THEY’VE HAD? 5. WHAT’S YOUR DEAL BREAKER ON A FIRST DATE? 6._____IS SOMETHING I FIND SEXY.

1. Megan fox—she’s evil 2. No

3. My car stereo, football and why she doesn’t want a second date 4. No

5. Doesn’t like my car stereo 6. My girl’s ass

thomas (law/commerce)

1.Sean Penn—he’s goofy 2. No

3.Travel, sex stories and my hatred of cats 4. Depends on how many 5. If he likes cats

6. Shapely shoulders

MANDY (LAW/PSYCHOLOGY)

2. Yes, the world is changing and so are the people in it. If that’s the path someone chooses then so be it!

Their life, their choice 3. Food: easy to talk about and quite often you will be eating so might as well!

Music: always interesting topic as you can figure a person out by their taste in music Life: ambitions and what somebody wants

4. Unfortunately, yes I do! Maybe I shouldn’t but maybe I should

5. A guy who is too stuck up and so fixated on themselves that they don’t bother to talk about anything else but themselves! Arrogance!

6. A genuine personality and a little bit of facial hair

Nakeisha (law/criminology)

1. Channing Tatum—um, have you seen Magic Mike?

2. Yes, it’s a means for some to get by in life.

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do!

3. Waffles, Game of Thrones & pugs

4. Yes! But I know I shouldn’t! But then again, they should keep it in their pants!

pop

X O 1. Guy Sebastian—his voice says it all

1. Taylor Swift because she would write a song about me afterwards 2. No, because no one should have to do it 3. Work, friends and interests 4. No, it shouldn’t matter

5. Talking too much about themselves!

5. If they are on their phone all the time

6. Facial hair

6. Eyes

cait (law/criminology)

James (education)

25

Giselle came to Flinders in the early 1990s as a postgraduate student from the University of Adelaide looking for teaching work and loved it so much that she decided to stay. Flinders then formally asked her stay, even offering to pay her. She said ‘Yes please.’ When asked what university life was like while she was studying, Giselle says that full time students at university were really full time, and if they had part time work it was only on a Thursday or Friday night, or perhaps a Saturday morning. ‘People—school leavers in the main—saw university as the primary thing that they were doing, before work, before play.’ Nowadays, this perception has altered dramatically with Giselle going on to say that ‘university is [now] just one more part of a person’s busy life that is somehow squeezed into working and other structured activities.’ She explains that the drastic change has occurred due to students needing to earn so much more to survive, particularly with the advent of HECS.

Dr. Giselle Bastin If you are looking for the lady who does it all, look no further than the Course Coordinator for the Bachelor of Arts, the Bachelor of Arts Enhanced Program for High Achievers and First Year Director of Studies for the School of Humanities and Creative Arts, Dr Giselle Bastin.

She is also a Senior Lecturer in the Department of English here at Flinders. Giselle sat down for a chat with one of her students, Empire Times editor Laura Telford.

Anyone who knows Giselle, knows of her love of all things royal. From royal cups and saucers, to posters and a waving solar-paneled Queen toy, her office holds its own against even the most devout English person. However, she calls herself a ‘disinterested’ observer, which is not to be confused with ‘uninterested’, she exclaims. Her most prized piece of royal paraphernalia is her bottle of 1981 Charles and Diana wedding sherry which, she says, does look a bit ‘manky’ these days but has at least ‘last[ed] longer than the marriage did!’ Her fascination began at school when Lady Diana Spencer married the next in line, Prince Charles.

‘My girlfriends and I studied the royals as if they were the most important celebrities in the world,’ and Giselle’s one time hobby has turned into a major area of research for her. Even today, as a self-described ‘Diana girl’, Giselle is regularly called upon by the media to discuss the current day royals—although do not ask her for a comment on the new royal baby, they are both cute, moving on. Giselle’s scholarly research looks at biographies about the House of Windsor and the fairytale structure royal biographies tend to assume. ‘I will get die-hard republicans come up to me and ask me if I have met the Queen,’ we laugh, because it sounds absurd, but she says it is almost our (Australians’) guilty pleasure. ‘We are still in the Commonwealth, we flex our muscles from time to time, and know in our heart of hearts that we are going to become a republic sooner rather than later, but we just cannot seem to quite bring ourselves to “sack grandma”.’

Gone are the days where Giselle simply taught undergraduates across the English major; these days her academic repertoire includes, Course Coordinator for the Bachelor of Arts, First Year Director of Studies for the School of Humanities, and Coordinator of the BA Enhanced Program for High Achievers. How does one manage to do all those things as well as teach? She says she teaches less but her interactions with students are more personal ‘and of a higher quality’. Looking after English honours students is a ‘joy’ but she says her biggest joy are her ‘BA High Achievers’—a small group of elite students in a relatively new degree now offered at Flinders.

The degree only began in 2013, and the cohort includes about 60 students across three year levels, making for a close bond amongst the students—or at least that was what was supposed to happen. Giselle says that given her High Achievers are ‘naturally fascinated about the world’ they frequently take up the chance to go and study overseas in their second year, thereby leaving the cohort for a bit. An advantage for the students of being in a small cohort is that she is given the chance to ‘talk and discuss topic options one-to-one and find out the processes behind the study

pathways they choose.’ Because of this, students tend to be more open and willing to try new things. This is why more of her advanced students are partaking in semesters abroad.

While Giselle agrees the Bachelor of Arts is notorious for getting a bad rap—and did so even while she was obtaining hers—she says that it has a lot to do with the fact ‘people are unable to see the immediate vocational focus or what the immediate vocational outcomes of a BA will be.’ She hopes that in her role as course coordinator she has become better at explaining that the BA prepares a student with generalist skills, which in a workplace are vital. ‘It is all well and good having a specialised degree, but if you cannot communicate your specialised knowledge to anybody or structure an argument about what you know, or just know how to disseminate information in a way that will hit the right marks, what is the point of that specialised knowledge?

BA students are taught to be lateral thinkers; they are trained to see the narratives that are embedded in other, specialised fields of knowledge, and to communicate the links between systems of thought.’

students knew about you, Giselle replies ‘that it would be that there are many sides to every story. Take all the royal paraphernalia in my office; people assume I am a royalist, a monarchist, or assume that I’m just being ironical and that I must be a republican and do it for a laugh, but that is what I want this kind of thing to do, to get people to look behind the surface images and to look at how quickly we so often leap to conclusions based on appearances’ She continues by saying that she wishes people could see that ‘there is no black and white,’ that there are lots of people being republicans and there are lots of people being monarchists, and ‘I am trying to maintain that it is possible—and usually more interesting— to stand back and look at how the story is unfolding.’ That, and ‘do not judge a book by its cover!’

“Anyone who knows Giselle, knows of her love of all things royal.”

As First Year Director of Studies for the School of Humanities and Creative Arts, Giselle has been working closely with Deputy Vice Chancellor (Academic) Professor Andrew Parkin, who ‘is a fantastic advocate for keeping and nurturing first year students at Flinders University.’ Giselle says she has been trying to strengthen the peer mentoring program within the School of Humanities, which relies on final year students having direct contact with new students, ‘helping ease them into university life.’

Giselle says that the hardest part of her job is finding a carpark in the morning.

‘Students do not often believe me, but we [the academic staff] are in the mix just as much as everybody else, but this supports, I think, the Flinders ethos of equality in the sense that we can all be frustrated together. It’s a bonding exercise!’ Though on a serious note she adds that the parking is improving all the time, and she would be lying if she said there were bad parts to her role because it is ‘the best job ever!’

Conversely, when asked what the best thing about her job is, Giselle does not even hesitate when she says it is the students. ‘Students of all ages and experiences—I learn so much about the world through meeting a cross-section of people, people who are living incredibly complex lives.’

Though recognising the clichéd nature of her answer, Giselle also says one of her favourite things is ‘watching and partaking in other people’s learning journeys because that is what learning is about. It should not be a private affair; it should be getting excited about being in a learning environment forever and experiencing other people’s joys as well as your own.’

When asked, outside of teaching what else do you do, Giselle rattles off that she loves spending time with her gorgeous children and wonderful husband whom she adores almost beyond reason.

However, prying deeper, a secret emerges. Her guilty pleasure in those rare moments of down time, other than shopping of course, is reading royal biographies while sipping a large gin and tonic. She says that she has ‘the perfect world, in the sense that [her] job is also [her] great love.’

And finally, when questioned about her favourite texts—not books—she says she likes to tell students that everything they need to know about the flaws of human nature can be found in two texts alone: Hamlet by William Shakespeare and Fawlty Towers starring John Cleese. ‘It’s all there; what we fear, what drives us; where our weaknesses are; what we desire.’

However, when push comes to shove, Giselle names The Untouchable by John Banville as perhaps her current favourite book before adding that sometimes she just sits down and reads the works of T.S Eliot and Virginia Woolf for fun (sad, but true).

INTERVIEWEE Giselle Bastin If Giselle could date any celebrity it would be 1960s and 70s British satirist Peter Cook because he is gorgeous looking, highly intelligent and funny.

HD

When asked the age-old question, what do you wish

27

The Love Bomb At work the other weekend we were having a discussion about when everyone had dropped the L bomb to their partner and when is seen as an acceptable time to do so. It is said that the word ‘love’ has lost it’s meaning because it’s overused, and yet at the same time it still carries a lot of weight. This topic isn’t exactly a new one. For quite some time, in just general discussions with people, the conversation of when is ‘too soon’ has come up. In saying ‘I love you’, there is seen to be a timing factor and if it is said too soon then you’re up for judgement, both from the people around you and from your partner themselves.

When everyone at work found out that my boyfriend at the time and I were saying those three words within the first month, they were all rather surprised. I was taken aback at their responses: ‘a month?’; ‘that’s so soon’; ‘I didn’t expect that of you’. I didn’t think it was odd and thinking on it later I realised, of course I said ‘I love you’ early in the relationship. Why would I go out with someone if I didn’t love them? That’s just the way I do relationships. I don’t go out on dates with people, even while my boyfriend and I were going out we didn’t really ‘do’ dates. Our relationship grew from our friendship. We were friends, then we were best friends, and then we became an item. I said ‘I love you’ within a month of dating because I was already in love by the time we were official. I know however, that not everyone is the same. For many

people, some of my friends included, it takes a while and they can be dating someone for quite a bit of time before they actually drop the L bomb.

You know what? That’s totally fine.

Expecting that everyone does everything the same way is just unreasonable. We are highly complex functioning beings with individual likes, dislikes, interests and hobbies; so why would our dating practices be exactly the same? Timing is not the same for all of us and there’s nothing wrong with that. As long as the conversation of how you do things and what you prefer has been had with your partner—so that you’re both on the same page— then it doesn’t matter if it takes you two days or two months. The idea that ‘I love you’ can be said ‘too soon’ is, therefore, ridiculous. The only way it can be said too soon is if you say it when you don’t mean it. No one can say when the timing is right except for the person who’s saying ‘I love you’.

AUTHOR Tamsin Alexander, 20, Bachelor of Behavioural Science If Tamsin could date any celebrity it would be Andrew Garfield because all the spidey jokes.

ART WORK Sheydin Dew

Was LOVE ACTUALLY an allegory of the real British Prime Minister, TONY BLAIR? I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes; political comparisons are all around me and so the anti-American feeling grows. Hugh Grant is not the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, but he played one in the movies once. Love Actually is a compilation of different avenues of love during Christmas time. A wholly fictional story, however, comparable to real life problems. In 2003, a time when ‘Stacy’s Mom’ was the hottest mom around, we were crying over the last episode of Buffy, and trying to get our parents to buy us The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, and Love Actually was released. Tony Blair had been re-elected for a second term only two years earlier and the Americans, led by George W. Bush, were off invading foreign lands.

Hugh Grant portrays the proper and romantically handicapped British Prime Minister and Billy Bob Thornton plays his American partner, an aggressive and phallocratic ‘Bill Clinton/George W. Bush hybrid’. Despite being allies, the US has always approached their relationship with the UK in a very aggressive manner, they take a lot and don’t give much back and because of this the UK government has come under a great deal of pressure from the public to take a more assertive role in the relationship. In 2009, during President Barack Obama’s first visit to the UK; Chris Matthews, a prominent American political commentator, referred to the president in Love Actually as an example of George W. Bush and other former presidents’ bullying of European allies. The relationship between these two characters is seen by the British population and others as the way that Blair should have dealt with the imposing military giant.

The UK and the US had always had a ‘special relationship’. Blair’s recent military failings and lack of back-bone and unbridled support for Bush’s foreign policy caught a lot of flak from the UK population, and was even less popular within his own cabinet: 139 of 167 of Blair’s MPs opposed it. Blair’s own Director of Communications and Strategy, Alistair Campbell, is quoted on national radio as saying that Blair’s understanding of the situation in Iraq relating to WMD and other US intelligence was mediocre at best and was heavily criticised for accepting what the US said without further investigation. An incident comparable to a scene in Love Actually where a radio presenter asks whether the ‘new Prime Minister is in trouble already.’

The film shows Grant to be a Prime Minister perceived as a refreshing start to ‘fix the country’, his term coming after years of harsh realities and a difficult household from the previous government. To some, this was a reflection of the turmoil of the Thatcher/Major years from 1979-1997, this particular period of English political history was very turbulent and full of riots and uncivil protest. Grant’s character, often shown out of his depth yet holding it together, fortifies his political ideals through a thrilling and feisty speech in the presence of ‘President Thornton’. The speech was an amusing and patriotic stance against the influence of the President and what he represents. Grant references the greatness of Britain, invoking cultural icons such as Shakespeare, The Beatles, Sean Connery… and David Beckham’s right foot. The speech hit home with not only the film’s viewers but also resonated heavily with the British people.

In the real world, foreign policy decisions are always based on harsh realities, not wishful thinking. Blair actually made reference to the movie in a 2005 speech. ‘I know there’s a bit of us that would like me to do a Hugh Grant in Love Actually and tell America where to get off,’ Blair said. ‘But the difference between a good film and real life is that in real life there’s the next day, the next year, the next lifetime to contemplate the ruinous consequences of easy applause.’

Grant’s speech resonated so clearly with the British people that it was also later referenced by the current Prime Minister, David Cameron, when making a reply speech to Russia’s comments that Britain was a ‘small island no one listens to’ when tensions surrounding the Syrian crisis boiled over at a G20 summit in St Petersburg in 2013. Cameron responds to Russia by saying that he doesn’t accept those remarks for a moment and goes on further to say that Britain remains small but great and significant in world affairs, a response that mirrored Grant’s response to the US President in the film.

As the casualties of the Iraq War mounted, Blair was accused of misleading Parliament and his popularity dropped dramatically. After the resignation of Blair, pundits and speculators referred to the anti-American shift in Gordon Brown’s cabinet as a ‘Love Actually moment’, referring to the scene in which Grant stands up to the American president.

The UK government has relied on the speech given by Grant in Love Actually a lot for just a speech in a movie. It’s a move that has demonstrated how closely the speech resonated with the UK population and how much they looked to Love Actually and yearned for the political action that Grant exacted. The film saw people living out their political fantasies vicariously through the characters. All that is left to ask after this is why Blair and later Prime Ministers did not take this to heart and why the UK continues to be the forever yielding puppy at the feet of America’s military might.

AUTHOR Hannah Beadle, 20, Bachelor of Arts If Hannah could date any celebrity it would be Stephen Fry.

29

Never Have I Ever...

Why do games always turn sexual?

‘Never have I ever had sex in a car.’

The statement that got us started and the theme that continued for every single statement of the game, bar one. It’s an interesting topic, isn’t it, sex?

So intimate, so sexual, so private. And yet so very, very open.

For me, sex wasn’t spoken about while I was growing up. Not in an ‘it doesn’t happen’ kind of way, it was just a personal thing. I mean, we had sex ed at school. Mum and I did the whole period talk thing, and we—my brothers and I—knew that if we had any questions we could ask (yeah, like we were totally). But it wasn’t like it was completely out and open, and sure a big part of that was age but even now, as an adult, it’s not like we talk about it. That’s just how my family is. It’s not taboo, it’s just seen as an unnecessary topic to talk about.

Growing up, sex seemed like this big and mighty topic, so grown up, so adult. Our fascination with the topic began because we were ‘too young’ to know about it. It was a ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’ topic and so we wanted to understand right away. I can still remember when I was in primary school having code words with my best friend for sex while we were playing with our Bratz dolls. Despite the lack of reproductive organs, they managed missionary just fine.

My later years of primary school involved my friends and other girls becoming obsessed with boys, but not sex. That topic was almost ignored again.

Everyone wanted a boyfriend; everyone wanted to know who you liked and you had to like someone.

Not liking someone was not a thing. Primary school was also the era of truth or dare, which I’m sure all of you have experienced the horror of at one time or another.

Truth or dare? Truth. Tell us who you like.

Truth or dare? Dare. I dare you to tell us who you like.

There was no escape. You were damned if you played; you were damned if you didn’t. You didn’t want to be that person who was no fun because they never played the game. But why would I want

to play the game when it would ultimately end in my own humiliation? Kids are dicks.

People don’t stop being dicks when they leave childhood. Enter high school. Everyone still wanted, even more so than before, a boyfriend.

And here is where sex, and everything related to it, really started to kick off. This was a time when we were all thinking, and talking, about how we wanted ‘it’ to happen. We were playing into that whole romanticising, ‘sex is the ultimate goal of a relationship’ stereotype.

But on the other side of this romanticised view, we were playing ‘would you rather’ with the boys on the walk home from school. For some reason the questions always ended up being along the lines of ‘would you rather sleep with teacher x or teacher y?’

The thought of either teacher revealing a little more skin than you’re used to made you want to hurl. On top of these overtly sexual questions, you’d also get ones like ‘would you rather date/kiss boy 1 or boy 2?’ while both boys were literally right next to you, creating a highly awkward situation for everyone involved.

High school is also the place of labelling (hello to my fellow ‘nerds’ out there!). I don’t think it’s possible to go through high school without some kind of label being placed on (or thrown at) you. You were either a slut or you were frigid. There was no in-between.

If you flirted or were sexual in even the slightest way (which is what boys would encourage you to do), you were branded as a slut, but if you ignored their remarks and jeers, you would be labelled as frigid. Just like playing truth or dare, you were damned if you did and damned if you didn’t.

The evolution of sex related games follows then as such: truth or dare (with their hit single ‘You Liiiiiiike Him’), which turned into would you rather (by It’s Okay, I Wasn’t Already Embarrassed), back into truth or dare (ft. Drinking), and then into never have I ever (written and attempted to be sung by Why’s That Bottle Of Vodka Empty?).

The older you get, the less surprising and shocking sex becomes; we become desensitised due to our exposure to it. But it is still a common topic for

talk. When two of my best girlfriends and I all had boyfriends, our sex lives were not an unusual thing to discuss, but this discussion did not take place with or in front of the others in our friendship group. They’d know if we had sex with our partner in general, but they didn’t know, or want to know, details. But our group and its discussions are quite sexually driven and this was so evident that night at my friend’s house as we played never have I ever.

For those who don’t know, you play the game by starting with ten fingers. You go around in a circle, each person making a statement about something that they haven’t done and for everything that you have done, you drop a finger and/or take a drink.

The person who drops all their fingers first loses and the person with the most still up wins.

So there we all were at my friend’s house. My beautiful little group getting increasingly drunk (I was sitting out as I didn’t want to drink anymore) and making statements that would let everyone know the different sexual things they, and everyone else, had or had not done. But two of our bunch had an advantage: never had they ever had sex. And because of that one little factor, they won the game.

But this didn’t stop them from being targeted. In fact, my favourite statement of the night applied to every person in the room. In order to make our sexless boys lose a finger, the best statement was made: never have I ever touched a dick. Everyone groaned, collective mutterings of ‘dammit’, ‘shit’, and ‘oh nice one’ went around the table. Because when you’re a guy, even if (and maybe especially if?) you haven’t had sex, you’ve touched a dick.

While talking with one of the boys who won never have I ever, I mentioned how our group is so sexualised and he agreed that it was rather interesting. He added that it was also a part of our group’s persona and he is completely right. I don’t think I’ve ever caught up with our group without some sort of sex related joke being made. Only 15 minutes later, when one of our other members joined us, a sex joke was made. It was funny but it was also made even funnier by the fact that we’d literally just said how engrained these kinds of jokes are into our group’s character.

I do very much love my group of friends and, even though our jokes are sexualised and can come off as being rude, I wouldn’t want to live without them.

It’s a give and take system; my friend tells me that I don’t have to worry about breast cancer ‘cause I don’t have any breasts and I tell her that at least I don’t have to worry about knocking myself out with mine’. These shots, jibes, and jokes would be highly offensive if said to a random member of the public, but we’ve all known each other for so long that it’s actually a matter of ‘I pay you out so much because I love you’. We’re so close that even the most personal of things that occur outside of public view, are discussed and joked about as if they were something as simple as a TV show.

Sex is no longer the hidden, private, ‘that never happens’ thing that it was once seen to be and that is alright. Sex shouldn’t be seen as taboo or something ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’ because it is that exact mind frame that makes people continue to stigmatise and shun those who do it. And sex is not just for reproduction. Sex is like food: it serves a purpose but can be (and should be) pleasurable. Talking about, and making fun of sex the way I do with my friends makes me feel a whole lot better about the whole topic; you can have sex and you can choose to not have sex. Whether you do or you don’t doesn’t matter because the people who matter should love you regardless of your sex life or lack thereof.

One thing is for sure though: it’s a good thing you only lose a finger per statement, not a finger per the amount of times it’s occurred because if ‘never have I ever heard a sex joke’ came up, I’d be out based on the past 24 hours alone.

AUTHOR Tamsin Alexander, 20, Bachelor of Behavioural Science If Tamsin could date any celebrity it would be Andrew Garfield because of the spidey jokes.

31

Today, according to the U.S. Department of State, over 20 million lives are chained. They are the victims of human trafficking. In our so-called civilised world, human beings are being traded for multiple purposes such as forced labour. However, in the article ‘What is Human Trafficking?’1 it is stated that 79 per cent of trafficking is for sexual exploitation. The U.S. Department of State’s ‘Trafficking in Persons’ reports place the average age of a sex-trade victim at just twelve years old. And despite over a century of feminism, the U.S. Department of Justice notes that 80 per cent of trafficked victims are female. It is deplorable that less than two per cent of offenders are prosecuted, a figure angrily highlighted by the abolitionist campaign ‘a21’2. This is organised crime at its most lethal. And no corner of the globe is untouched by this modern-day slavery.

The U.S. Department of State reports that human trafficking, after drugs, is the second largest illegal industry in the world. It is a complicated issue affected by poverty, corruption, market trends, cultural views, third-world development and politics. One common scenario is for traffickers, disguised as businessmen, to approach poor villages in regions such as South-East Asia, Eastern Europe, South America and Africa. They prey on the vulnerable and lure these young people into their slimy grasp by offering them opportunities to work or study in a more prosperous city. The chance to become educated or earn money to send home to their starving families is too good for many to resist.

They accept. But the dream becomes a nightmare. The innocent are beaten, raped, drugged, starved, and sold.

"

THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF STATE REPORTS THAT HUMAN TRAFFICKING, AFTER DRUGS, IS THE SECOND LARGEST ILLEGAL INDUSTRY IN THE WORLD. IT IS A COMPLICATED ISSUE AFFECTED BY POVERTY, CORRUPTION, MARKET TRENDS, CULTURAL VIEWS, THIRD-WORLD DEVELOPMENT AND POLITICS.

Teenagers—young girls and boys—are smuggled over borders only to wake in brothels where they are someone else’s property. Australia, as a destination country for human trafficking, is not exempt from this global crime. Project Respect3 is an Australian NGO that estimates 1000 women are trafficked to Australia each year, mostly from nations like Thailand and China, and are then held in debt bondage. There are more people enslaved today than any other time in world history. How did it come to this?

The media has desensitised us to sex and violence. Scoff as you might, but there has been research into the correlation between the media and societal problems. In his article ‘The Death of Childhood’4, David Buckingham notes that there is ‘debate among researches about the casual relationship between rates of drugtaking or sexual activity or violent crime and the viewing of television.’ Academic researchers aren’t so much concerned with sex and violence being glorified by the media. Instead, they are worried, according to Buckingham, about the ‘kind of consciousness it produces’.

When brothels around the world are filled with women and children who are perpetually drugged and abused, because they belong to someone else— someone who is reaping the profits of this multi-billion dollar industry— it doesn’t take a genius to realise something is drastically wrong with our collective ‘consciousness’.

Most of us are stirred by the injustice of this situation. We think it is horrific, and those who profit from sex-trafficking are monsters. Yet, according to the ‘2015

Annual Report’ by Covenant Eyes5, an Internet Accountability Software, one in eight online searches are for pornography. Since the beginning of this year, there have been over a billion pornographic hits, and every second the figure continues to skyrocket. The Covenant Eyes report states that by 2017 a quarter of a billion people are expected to access adult content from their devices. So what is the big deal?

These statistics confirm there is an unprecedented global market for sex.

Could these figures be encouraging the sex-trade monster? Statistics like these certainly do not help this international humanitarian crisis. In fact, the media’s sexualisation of woman and children no doubt makes it worse. Hollywood still places more emphasis on the female body rather than her character. Now that we have mobile devices it is easier than ever to view content that treats her as a product: a mere object that serves someone else’s gratification. We have taken the most human of acts—to love— and replaced it with a lust that scours the globe to prey on the weak, needy and vulnerable so they might be sold into a life that no human being should ever endure.

Every thirty seconds a human life becomes the victim of human trafficking2. Every thirty seconds... That is a statistic that should not exist.

Something needs to shift in our global consciousness. Two centuries ago, after decades of raising his voice for the voiceless, William Wilberforce led an abolitionist movement that finally caused the world to wake up and change its consciousness. The British Parliament outlawed the thriving business of the trans-Atlantic slave

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trade, and rendered it unacceptable to chain human beings into slavery. Today, we are again in desperate need for a generation to speak up for the voiceless and call for a true free love movement.

Because, in the words of Pope Francis, ‘When any man, woman, or child is enslaved anywhere, it is a threat to peace, justice, and human dignity everywhere.’ We need to respect each other with a love that is pure and does not seek to exploit others for the selfishness of its own pleasure. We need a love that would sacrifice something of itself because it places value on human lives and understands that true intimacy is sacred, and not a commodity. This is a love that is free. And this love will break chains of slavery. * The author recommends that you visit www. a21.org, a non-profit organisation committed to abolishing injustice in the 21st Century, if you want to find out more and help combat modern-day slavery.

1.

Compiled by XP Missions at www. xpmissions.com/what-is-humantrafficking/

2.

www.a21.org

3.

www.projectrespect.org.au

4.

David Buckingham (2000) “The Death of Childhood,” in After the Death of Childhood: Growing up in the Age of Electronic Media. London: Polity Press, p. 34.

5.

Available at www.covenanteyes.com

AUTHOR Amy Manners, 25, BA (Creative Writing & Media)

33

- Fiction -

Sex education & playground whispers Ah, Friday, 3 o’clock. My favourite time of the week. I pull out of the work car park and make a bee line for my children’s primary school. I’m celebrating the huge gap of time between finishing work and having to go back in on Monday. Friday is the highest point of my week and nothing can bring me down!

I’m feeling good. I’m feeling really good. I call it my freakin’ awesome Friday moment.

I pull up at the pickup car park just outside the school and scan the yard for my two girls. There she is, Anna, my youngest cherub in reception, running towards me with arms wide open and a big smile on her face. Ah, bless her age, she still wants to hug her mum. She’s always the happy one. I embrace her and pop her in the car, thinking I’m the luckiest mum in the world. But then I turn around and see my hard work daughter, Emily. She’s the one with the lasers in her eyes that will kill you at any given chance. She starts marching towards me, with that look about her; she’s in a bad mood again and we’re going to hear all about it now. I wonder, did she have another falling out with her friend or is it just that she didn’t eat her sandwich and the ‘hangry’ feeling has taken over? The drama is imminent and I silently put bets on the sandwich. It usually is.

‘What’s wrong, blossom?’ I ask, not because I want to, but because I have to.

‘Dylan’s big brother Kyle said that when I grow up, I have to have sex with a boy and get his sticky stuff to make a baby!

I DON’T WANT TO!’ Emily blurts this out with the gusto of Gordon Ramsay discovering a piece of raw chicken on his plate. She slumps into the car and pounds her bag on the floor, enclosing her body language in what seems like a concrete straight jacket.

‘Oh shit!’ flies out of my mouth before I can catch it and put it back in, but luckily the bang of the car door covers my impromptu profanity. The talk, the talk, WTF! She’s only seven, the talk’s not meant to happen now, it’s meant to happen… Shit! When is it meant to happen? I stand frozen on the side of the road, silently panicking and transfixed on the car approaching, wishing that the driver would sense my desperation and stop and rescue me from the fear of having to give “the talk”. Now don’t get me wrong, I knew that at some point of having children, I would have to have “the

talk”, but now? At the most fantastic time of the week?

Oh, I’d like to get a hold of that little turd Kyle and chop his head off. My mood turns from stunned bunny caught in head lights, to instant guillotine commander screaming, ‘Off with his head!’ How dare he put me in this position on my freakin’ awesome Friday moment?

‘Mum! Get in the car!’ Emily shouts, breaking me out of my secret life as an executioner. I take a deep breath and sit back in the car, closing the door a bit hastily.

‘Mum, why do boys have sticky stuff?’ Emily demands with the furiousness of a hungry lion.

‘Well…’ I exhale after a huge intake of air.

Ring ring, ring ring.

I breathe in suddenly in such surprise and appreciation for modern technology. ‘Hang on darling, I’ll just get this,’ I say as I reach for the phone.

‘Oh, hey there Stella… sure… yep, we’re still here, I’ll just go get him.’ The phone script runs in the one sided fashion.

My bestie is running late and wants me to pick up her son, Damien, who is in grade five and will come with me to my place while Stella manoeuvres the peak of all peaks in traffic at school time. She will meet me at home.

‘Damien!’ I yell, then realise I’m still in the car. I turn, look at my girls and say, ‘Damien. We’re picking him up. Stella will meet us at home. I’ll just go… Damien!’ I yell.

The big kid’s playground is just in front of us and I see him with one arm dangling on a monkey bar and the other one scratching his head. So graceful—pre-pubescent boys!

‘Damien, come with us, your mum’s running late.’ I suddenly realise that I have only taken three breaths in the last five minutes and welcome the chance to take in some fresh, innocent, clean puffs, right on the edge of the playground.

‘You know, a girl gets a period…’ I overhear two nattering Grade 5 girls walking past and I’m instantly snapped back to the reality that my child is talking about IT. Sex.

‘Oh shit! What is going on here?’ I mentally pick up Kyle’s head and clumsily place it back on his body, trying to secure it with gaffer tape.

‘Hi Steph,’ Damien grunts as he comes closer. We turn and start for the car. I left an angry Emily in the car with my little angel Anna! Oh no! It’s going to be the end of innocence forever!

‘Let’s go!’ I shriek as we get to the car, and I can see that Emily’s body language is still as hard as concrete.

‘Hey,’ Damien mutters to the girls, expecting that Emily will move over and let him sit on the window seat. No such luck.

So he crams in, putting his big dangly legs over Emily, and plops into the middle seat. ‘What’s wrong with your face?’ he asks Emily and she takes a breath.

‘How about ice-cream?’ I cut in to try and avoid the furious lashings that will ruin the afternoon and my sanity at the same time. ‘Macca’s guys? Who’s up for it on the way home?’ One excited scream comes from Anna, an oafish ‘yeah’ from Damien and a hum of compliance comes from Emily. Phew! I dodged that one. I pull the car out of the park and put on Emily’s favourite Peter Combe disc, trying to control the damage as much as possible.

‘Mum,’ Anna asks, ‘can we have a play in the playground at Macca’s?’ I eyeball the other two and look for expressions of interest. Eyebrows raise on Damien’s face, and the angry “V” on Emily’s face changes to a flat line neutral position and I see this as a win!

‘Sure sweety, I think a play might be good for everyone on this beautiful Friday.’ I renavigate the car towards the local golden arches. # ‘Stella… Stella… The kids at school are all talking about SEX! We’re at Macca’s having ice-cream and a play, Emily’s in a foul mood again and she’s asking questions about it.

Come down as soon as you get this message!’ I pray into the phone, leaving my anxiety on her voice mail and hoping she won’t be compromising her life by trying to retrieve the message in traffic. The time ticks by; I take a deep breath.

‘Mum, Linda and Kirsty told me that girls have periods, do I get one too?’ I’m eleven years old, staring at my own mother’s face, watching it go from distracted with thinking about her daily life, to stone cold sober, then shooting laser beams right at me while trying to cover her unease with being faced with ‘the Talk’. She looks lost actually, like she cannot speak. It’s like some weird verbal constipation, because her face moves to a reddish tinge and it appears that her eyes are about to explode out of her head! I feel instant regret for what I have asked…

‘Steph, are you OK? Your message sounded so panicked!’

Stella bursts in the door and looks at me as if I’m about to jump off a bridge and she’s trying to talk me down.

‘Stella, the whole school, they’re all talking about sex, Emily started asking questions, I.. I.. I just… What do I do?’ The words stumble out of my mouth at the same time that the tears start running down my cheeks. The feelings of dread, embarrassment and shame engulf me. Stella instantly grabs me and hugs me, telling me that it’s OK and everything will be all right. She always knows what to do. She’s like the loving mum that I never had.

‘Steph, they’re doing sex education at school for the grade fives. I got a letter about it sent home last week; that’s probably why you are hearing all this talk around school.

They actually did mention that there would be some talk in the yard between the students, and they’re having a meeting for parents on how to support your child when they are confronted with this sensitive topic. It’s on Tuesday night. I will go with you if you like. We can work through it together.’ Stella comforts me with her gentle tone. She has a way of talking that sorts all of the chaos back into perfectly little evenly spaced boxes, all with pretty little labels saying ‘order’.

The panic subsides. I’m back in the room. I’m back in reality.

Thank heavens for Stella, she is a Godsend. I look out at the playground and see Damien hanging off the slide with one arm just like a monkey, scratching his head again with the other hand. I must try and sneak a peek in that kid’s hair for lice. Emily is bouncing around again after the sugar injection via soft serve and chocolate topping, and Anna is smiling at everyone, laughing and enjoying life. I flash back to my mum’s face and realise where my anxiety has come from. I vow to work on breaking the cycle because my girls deserve better.

They deserve someone that will be able to talk to them honestly, openly and without fear, instead of running away.

A large hot chai latte is suddenly thrust into my hand with a smiling Stella attached to it. I look at her with loving eyes, and blurt out ,’Dylan’s big brother Kyle said that when I grow up, I have to have sex with a boy and get his sticky stuff to make a baby! I DON’T WANT TO!’ We both blow up with laughter and simultaneously turn to look at Emily.

‘Sticky stuff is gross,’ Stella says. ‘I never liked it either.’ She laughs and puts her arm around my shoulder, giving me a firm squeeze.

‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘Sticky stuff. Leads to sticky moments, hey?’ I calm down completely and start feeling grateful for the chance to write a different chapter for my children than the one that was read to me. It’s such a process. It’s hard work, but in the end it’ll be worth it. My mind drifts off to when Emily is a mother and is faced with the same circumstance. I wonder how she will handle it.

AUTHOR Lisa Merlot, 37 (“but I tell my kids I’m 28”), Bachelor of Psychological Studies If Lisa could date any celebrity it would be Jamie Oliver. I’m sick of cooking every night!

35

Sex and other unmentionables

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Life is full of first times: the first time you rode a bike; the first time you decided you wanted to be a caterpillar when you grew up; the first time you constructed an elaborate domicile for ants (a home away from home you called it), waited for them to explore its deathly avenues and cul-desac, and then washed them all away with a maniacal laugh.

We remember these moments with satisfaction, like each one is a little chapter in the complex unknown of life.

This is a story about the first time I had sex. It involves tears, music and a few embellishments (or what some might call ‘factual inaccuracies’). This is used to be an important chapter, but these days it could sit comfortably alongside the caterpillar section of my life.

2. Elton John, ‘Can You Feel the Love Tonight’: A little bit mushy; suitable for star crossed lovers finally succumbing to deeper fancies. Can be fans of both Elton John and The Lion King. Probably sing show tunes to each other in the bathroom, complete with harmonies.

3. Aerosmith, ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’: For the more melodramatic pairings, the consummation could very well be taking place in a road house bathroom stall, or in the backseat of a 1980’s vintage Corolla.

4. Rammstein, ‘Du Hast’: For the more tempestuous and tortured lovers, those that get a kick out of getting kicked in the head at a heavy metal concert. For couples that enjoy a bit of danger in their love making.

It’s filed under: where things get a little racy.

My dad didn’t really talk to me much about sex. We never had ‘The Talk’. The Talk’ as I define it here, is that awkward, muffled breath and fists clenched sort of chat, where your dad knocks quietly on your door, clears his throat with a cough and then asks if he can come in. You tense up. Shit.

This is it, isn’t it?

A series of mumbled half exchanges; stops and starts. Who the hell teaches anyone how to even approach a situation like this? Where are the books? The instructional 80s styled videos with a sax solo and a man with a mullet? What selfrespecting dad is going to casually pop into his son’s room with a banana, a condom, and a rockmelon to demonstrate the complexities of the male and female anatomies?

Thankfully, not my dad. But the thing is we didn’t have any sort of chat. That whole embarrassing moment never happened. Did my dad not think I could attract a woman?

Did he instead think of me as some sort of effeminate, hairless eunuch? Is that a thing I should even be worrying about?

I had sex for the first time when I was sixteen. Big whoop.

Actually, I beat both my brothers to it (the age of losing my virginity that is). It’s the little victories that count. I skipped school for the occasion. It was like some perverted porn: me in my shirt and tie knocking gingerly on the door of my maker, about to be deflowered. Don’t get me wrong, it was her first time as well. My girlfriend of six months.

I remember a lot about that day. Mostly, I remember being mortally afraid that her father would come home at any second, burst through the door, spit flying from his face, contorted in rage, brandishing a cricket bat in one hand, and a Bible in the other to beat the living sin out of my hapless body. Her family were practicing Jehovah’s Witnesses.

I celebrated Christmas with them, and my girlfriend got birthday presents, but I didn’t want to test them on their more fundamental spiritual beliefs and practices.

Her father didn’t interrupt. We survived with everything but our virginity intact, and even that was up for debate. We did it; I just didn’t know much about the qualifying rules back then. ‘I Can’t Get Enough of Your Love Baby’ by Barry White was the soundtrack to our first time. I think everyone has a first time sex song of choice. We often live moments by their sound; little melodies and lyrics that come to express how we felt and lived in those particular situations. Ours was the smooth sultry sounds of Barry White. The subtext in that song was clear enough, but our song choice could have gone in a few different directions: 1. Britney Spears, ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’: Really depends on who insists on this track. Has interesting implications either way, none of them particularly healthy.

A vapid, vacuous relationship glossed over with airbrushed exactness.

Afterwards, my girlfriend told me she loved me. I think I sweated more in that brief ten-second window than I had during the previous minutes (I forget how long it went for).

Love? What was this foreign emotion she was speaking of?

To my sixteen-year-old self, love was a heady concept that only existed in the movies and pop songs that you made fun of.

‘Uh. Love is a pretty strong word you know. It’s a—uh— complex word. ’ I actually said something pretty close to that. That was my response, after my girlfriend had kindly partaken in consensual sex with me, something that was a pretty big deal for us both. So after she expresses a real and healthy human emotion, my response pretty much equated to, ‘that’s great. Thanks for opening your soul to me, but I don’t really want to say that back right now. But seriously, thanks.’

I was a bastard. Where was the instructional video for this?

I would have given anything for that sax solo and an ocean pan with a slow fade to black. Cue credits.

But I had to say something. Anything.

And then.

I burnt red in the face, swallowed a couple of times for good effect, and then managed to squeak back feebly, ‘I love you too.’ She could have chewed it around a little, spat it back up, but she graciously accepted, and our relationship was sealed by something more than just bodily fluids. The value of hindsight doesn’t make me feel better about the situation.

Rather, now that I’ve matured slightly (and I leave that as an ambiguous parameter) I know it was the wrong thing to do.

She had done something that was brave and courageous, and I hadn’t wanted to ruin that. Confrontation has never been my forte. It makes me feel uncomfortable to say the least. Better to just hope your face doesn’t prickle crimson, and the sweat doesn’t show in the lowlight of the bedside lamp. Better just to lie. What a bastard. What a lying bastard.

When we broke up three years later I cried, and I told her that I still loved her. She chewed it round for a little bit, like she was tasting a bit of cheese that might have gone bad.

Then she gave me the ‘thanks, but no thanks.’ And that was it.

This time, she got her revenge, and I got what I deserved.

Bloody slow-acting Karma, huh?

Piri R. Eddy, 25, PhD Creative Writing Piri would go on a date with the corpse of Beethoven because he wouldn’t order the lobster.

37

A Man's Gotta Do What A Man's Gotta Do ‘Hi, you’ve reached Blake—’ ‘AND CALLIE!’ ‘—and we can’t get to the phone right now…’

‘But leave us a message and we’ll get back to you…’

‘Cheers!’

Beep.

‘Hey Blake baby, it’s me. Pick up! I know you’re home…

Look, I’m really sorry, but we had a mad rush just before close so I’m going to hang back to help tidy up. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but I’ll make it up to you with some good greasy Chinese and back massages that evolve into hot nasty sex. I love you so much. I’ll be home soon! Bye!’ Beep.

He sat on the bathroom floor; his spinning head on the toilet seat and the contents of his stomach in the toilet bowl, listening to the answering machine click off in the living room.

Christ, I feel like absolute crap. But a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

He pulled himself upright, wiped his mouth of bile and his forehead of sweat with the last of the toilet paper, stood up and flushed. Walking out into the kitchen past the table set for two, the candles dripping and the bottle of champagne sweating, he slipped his shaking hand into his pocket, fingering the diamond ring tucked inside.

God, I’ve got to get a grip. I’ll just have to wait for her.

Didn’t sound like she’d be too long.

He nervously chewed the inside of his cheek, tasting the metallic tang in his mouth, feeling the craving cramps in his stomach, reminding him of how hungry he was and how badly he wanted a taste. He swung the fridge door open, peering in at the leftovers crowding the shelves; pizza, pasta, Chinese, all still in

their takeout cartons. Deciding on the shrimp chow mein, his favourite, he put it in the microwave. He hung his head tiredly over the kitchen sink as he waited, scratching at the scarring track marks on his arms, turning the tap on to scrub at the blood staining his skin.

When the food was finally warm, he tossed it around with a pair of chopsticks he found in the open cutlery drawer, taking the bloody paring knife from his back pocket and placing it inside. Walking into the living room whilst popping a piece of shrimp in his mouth, he stepped over the dead body on the floor and sat down on the couch with a sigh, A heavy, hazy wave of withdrawal washed over him once again — a riptide carrying him away from reality.

This is some good chow mein. Only decent thing worth a dollar in this entire apartment, except for this crappy ring. Blake, or whatever the guy’s name is, clearly wasn’t trying to impress her with this fleck of a diamond. Might be able to pawn it for $1000 at the most. Maybe the girl will have more. Money or jewellery. I can’t take these withdrawals anymore, I’ll take anything, I just need a hit.

narrating their life together, buried in the bottom drawer of the desk in the makeshift study. Blake’s love letters to her carefully folded and tucked in the back cover. He looked at the collection of photos of the two of them framed and hung in the hallway. He looked at their humble but happy life and love, manifested before him in a mental landscape of memories that were not his, and the likes of which he’d never know.

He stood staring at the wall of photographs, anxiously biting his chewed thumbnail. In a sobering moment, he realised he wasn’t just looking —he was seeing— right through the greed and hunger and desperation that had been consuming him, clouding his mind. He realised that the chow mein and the quarter-carat diamond ring weren’t the only decent things worth a damn in the apartment. He realised there were things much more irreplaceable and priceless here that he never sought to pawn but took from them anyways.

Well, a man’s gotta do...

Resisting any urge to retch again or run from his gutwrenching guilt, he walked out into the living room. His eyes averted from Blake’s body and he reached into his pocket, pulled out the ring and placed it on the coffee table next to the empty carton of chow mein. With that, he left the apartment, closing the door behind him with his head bowed. He charged down to the bottom floor desperate to breathe fresh air, his heart thumping hard and fast, before colliding with another body in the building’s exit corridor, flooring him.

‘Oh wow! Sorry! I didn’t see you there! I’m totally in my own world right now, just got off from work.’

He heard her; exhausted, scattered, kind-sounding, just as she did in her diary. He smelt the faint scent of her dwindling bottle of perfume sitting upstairs on her dressing table, and the paper bag full of fresh Chinese food tucked under her arm. He saw her big bright eyes and her small sweet smile, familiar to him through the photos he had gazed upon in her home. He wasn’t just looking at her; he was seeing her.

Damn, this is some good chow mein.

Satisfied but bored, he rose from his seat with a sleepy stretch, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. He looked down into the dead guy’s lifeless eyes, his face frozen in a pained expression, blood pooled on his chest where the paring knife had been plunged.

Don’t look at me like that; it’s your fault. I didn’t want any trouble; I just wanted your ring. You came at me with the knife; I defended myself. What do you expect when you attack anyone, let alone a desperate addict? A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

He began to wander from room to room. Looking at the calendar stuck to the fridge in the kitchen, there were events and reminders written in two distinct hands. A boyish scrawl and a feminine loopy script; two different personalities dancing across the paper.

He looked at the scratched compilation CDs all piled together beside the music system in the living room, with the lyrics of love songs looping across their covers. He looked at the guy’s faded sweatshirt bundled up amongst the girl’s pajamas in her dresser drawer in the bedroom. He looked at Callie’s diary,

‘Oh God, I’m so rude, let me help you up! I’m Callie…are you okay?’

As she took his hand in hers, he realised he wanted her to see him too.

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

‘I’m Dean. That shrimp chow mein smells great.’

AUTHOR Georgia Brass, 21, Education (MSS)/Arts (English & Drama) “I would date Leonardo DiCaprio, 100%, without doubt (preferably in his 20’s but I’m not picky)...and I would obviously also be dating Justin Timberlake on the side (if he weren’t already married with a kid).”

39

My love child

by Pavithra Nuthakki

I can never ever stop writing ‘Cause our love makes it more exciting Each day that passes is a milestone That marks the way our love has grown.

I open my doors to happiness – and you’re my key I always believed that you were only meant for me.

The strong bond we hold can never break Your place in my heart – no one can ever take.

For now, you may be away from my sight, Seeing you back again would be such a delight It’s only you who can make my day And this is all I want to say...

It’s a dream come true for us to live along, Right by your side, that’s where I belong.

To imagine our life together, it feels surreal I can’t wait for the big day to walk down the aisle I can keep looking at you all day long With you on the guitar, singing a song You’re my bundle of happiness – the reason behind my smile With each passing day, I am becoming my own love child.

VOLCANIC

by J. R. Koop

I’ll only describe it as consuming— It’s a desire that builds from below, Like an echoing earthquake, strong it grows, Building heat, threatening to consume me.

Flaming, just like some funeral pyre; It’s a heat that spreads, boiling like magma, Seeping through me like those ancient dramas Of the Greeks, who understood desire.

I am a volcano that overspills Every time her hands touch my bare skin, Our breath tangling as if it could be sin, Filling me with the most addictive thrills.

She’s a woman with a touch like fire, Making me a creature of desire.

Artwork by Benjamin Hall

An open letter Dear Mother of my partner’s children, About your children—I am not the enemy.

Anyone who knows me, knows I have never been into the kid thing. Never wanted them, never thought I was missing out. My reasons for not wanting children are complex and numerous and, in my opinion, valid. It has constantly amazed me that people who don’t even know me seem to think that I should explain myself to them—I am not going to. It does mean that for most of my life I have removed myself from getting too close to kids in case I catch the ‘cluckiness’ that seems to have overcome my otherwise staunch, ‘never having children’ friends. If my life had been different, maybe I too would have changed my mind and started breeding, but it wasn’t, and I didn’t. And then I met Jake. It wasn’t the first time I had met a man with children—but it was the first time I had got serious about one. At first I just avoided the whole issue and thought that I might never have to meet them. The thought of having a serious relationship with a man with children terrified me. The movies have shown us in graphic detail what happens to the women in men’s lives that the children don’t like.

The nervousness I felt about meeting them for the first time was worse than anything I had felt before, and I have performed live stand-up comedy at football clubs. It was exhausting; trying to be on my best behaviour and make sure my boyfriend didn’t feel like he had made a huge mistake in falling in love with me (just for the record, I was number three after you, it would be nice if you could stop thinking I broke up your marriage, I didn’t even know him then) and trying to get the kids to not hate me. And then it was over; I had passed. Only problem was that now he wanted me to spend more time with them, which I did.

Gradually, I got better at it, became more relaxed and realised it wasn’t so bad. I was still on constant alert for something terrible to befall them whilst near me (like having a grand piano fall on them from a ten-storey building) but it was okay.

Then the worst happened: you, his ex-wife, got upset about me. At first you threatened to not let him have the kids if I was going to look after them. Did you not realise I had no interest in being left alone with your children (what if a sinkhole formed under them?) and had absolutely no desire to intrude on your territory and be any sort of a mother to them? This was conveyed to you. So then I wasn’t allowed near them because, as I have never wanted children, I mustn’t like them or be trusted around them. You had physically assaulted my partner a couple of times in front of the children, so when you requested to meet me—an otherwise reasonable request—I said no. I felt, after the hysterical phone calls and numerous texts and emails about me to Jake, that I was well within my rights to refuse. Did I explain that I don’t ever actually want to be in any way responsible for the physical well-being of these children?

However, time has passed and the children and I get along quite well (although never alone of course) and we have grown fond of each other, which isn’t as bad as I thought. It does mean that I do now feel responsible for their emotional well-being. Jake and I are very careful to make sure we never say anything bad about you, their mother, and not by just pretending you don’t exist but by making sure we talk about you in a positive light. It isn’t always

easy when we hear what you say about us to them and especially when you see the six year old’s face fill with fear when a random stranger calls me her mother. I ask what the matter is and explain that I am her friend and that I don’t think I am her mother. That isn’t what is worrying her—she is worried about how angry her mum would be if she found out. I offer to take her back to the store to find the woman and explain, but my heart is broken for this little girl who is carrying the weight of her mother’s selfish jealousy and misguided fear everywhere she goes.

I wasn’t so bothered the time you told her daughter to tell me that my cats were stupid. Or when I was told a TV show that I like and that the children also adore is banned in your house because of me.

When I was asked what size I am because mummy is a size ten, I just felt like saying ‘tell mummy it is unhealthy to be teaching children about sizes and putting worth on them’, but I didn’t. But when the six year old won’t stand next to me or hold my hand anymore in case mummy finds out, or I see the conflicted look on her face when she wants to say ‘I love you’ but can’t because it would upset mummy, I get upset.

Please stop hurting your children in some weird attempt to hurt me.

All you are doing is making your children and I wary of how we behave with each other in case it leads to a melt down from you that will cause them even more anguish. I am not spending a lot of time with your children and I am not showing them too much affection. By playing your game we are teaching them that love and affection are finite and must be controlled and I don’t think that is a lesson I wish to be a part of. Until you start putting your children’s feelings before your own they will continue to miss out on extra love and care. Is that what you want for your children?

I also figure that, as stressful as you are making this for us all right now, in the long run I will come out of this okay. By being someone they know who has never been too involved in their lives but has always been there for them to talk to anytime they are worried about something, I will eventually have a very special relationship with your teenage daughters. Hopefully, I will be able to help them navigate through the trials and tribulations of the teenage years at a time when they start to realise that although they love their mummy very much, she may not always be someone they can rely on emotionally.

Please stop doing this to them. Next time you want to scream obscenities about me or just make snide remarks or throw something I have given them away, please do it when they are not around. Hate me all you want, but don’t punish your children because of it.

Yours in hope, Emma—A potential friend for your children “I would date any celebrity who doesn’t have children from another marriage and doesn’t want any.”

41

Complete the crossword and send a picture of your answers to stephanie.walker@flinders.edu.au and WIN one of ten free double passes to Palace Nova!

ACROSS 2. The separate but connected stories of several couples at Christmas (2 Words) 4. Don’t talk about it but there’s a soap maker with more than his fair share of secrets (2 Words) 5. A young man considers a difficult choice as an older woman might be trying to seduce him (2 Words) 9. Nightclub owner meets a former lover in wartime Africa 10. A romance develops on a doomed voyage 11. A bookshop owner attempts to maintain a relationship with one of the world’s most famous actresses (2 Words) 12. An Irish activist and friends move to show solidarity for Welsh miners 13. A doomed and tragic love story in the bleak surrounds of the moors (2 Words) 14. Two men meet and develop a relationship in rural Wyoming (2 Words) 19. The school rumour mill is not easily controlled but can be used advantageously (2 Words) 21. Local town launches search party for runaway young lovers amid storm (2 Words) 22. A self-centered weatherman gets second chances aplenty to set his life on the right track (2 Words) 23. Boy-meets-girl becomes lonely writer meets sophisticated operating system

DOWN 1. A connection to a camp’s dancing instructor becomes something greater (2 Words) 3. In seemingly perfect suburbia, a man falls in love with his daughter’s friend (2 Words) 6. A ruthless businessman finds himself developing feelings for a prostitute (2 Words) 7. In the 1950s, a Connecticut couple decide to move to Paris to revitalise their relationship (2 Words) 8. Two people with their separate mental health concerns learn to navigate life (3 Words) 9. ‘Forget it, Jake. It’s ______.’

15. An unstable veteran develops a father-like bond with an under age prostitute (2 Words) 16. Two men embark on a Californian wine tasting tour for very different reasons 17. A one-night-stand leads to greater consequences with unplanned pregnancy. (2 Words) 18. Young mother-to-be deals with unplanned pregnancy 20. California’s first openly gay official campaigns for gay rights

Crossword clues by Liam McNally

24. Who said romance is dead? Or undead. Zombies can love too. (2 Words) 25. A man discovers the secret past of a woman he once loved as she becomes a defendant in a Nazi war crimes trial (2 Words)

43

JESS TO USE NEW IMAGE WHEN IT COMES IN

ALBUM REVIEW: FLORENCE + THE MACHINE // HOW BIG, HOW BLUE, HOW BEAUTIFUL When I first heard the lead single ‘What Kind of Man’, I was excited. The song caught me by surprise when the intense guitars and bass drum kicked in, building up to a fairly textured song. It’s dark and fiery, and it has an edge. Florence and her Machine are back, and they sound better than ever on their highly anticipated third studio album How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful.

The LP opens with the bouncy track ‘Ship to Wreck’ which sonically, at first, reminded me of Fleetwood Mac. The instruments contrast the lyrics as an energetic and fun beat plays against Florence singing of self-destructive behaviour. ‘What Kind of Man’ follows shortly after which, in my opinion, is the best track of the album. With slightly sexual undertones, Florence belts her voice over the chorus as she sings of a bad relationship. If it seems that—on first listening—Florence has played her best cards first, it’s because she has.

I’m not saying the album immediately goes downhill but it just doesn’t get much better beyond its earlier tracks. The title track blends the new rock-pop formula with an

anthemic trumpet and violin orchestra, taking centre stage after the song’s vocals have ended. The following track ‘Queen of Peace’ takes the same orchestral instruments and mixes them with the band to create a more cinematic feel as Florence compares her suffering to a king and queen’s defeat in battle. I’m sure you will notice a pattern here, but for the bulk of the record, Florence has ditched many of the fantasy metaphors and allusions she used in her original albums. Instead, she focuses on the same themes of love, loss and dealing with reality, but with more honesty and effect. The lyrics carry more soul, complementing a voice that was made to sing of heartbreak.

After the first half of the album has finished, slower, more atmospheric and thoughtful tracks play out until the end. This is where, in my opinion, the album falls apart.

Florence and the Machine are at their best with upbeat repertoire, and their slower tracks are a hit and miss.

While the song ‘Long & Lost’ is worth listening to, with a sorrowful fingerpicked guitar guiding Florence’s voice over

moody choirs, other tracks aren’t up to the standard expected. For example, ‘Caught’ and ‘St Jude’ become boring and don’t go anywhere musically.

Don’t get me wrong; I want to like this album, however everything that I liked from Lungs and Ceremonials—mainly the art pop production and instrumentation—is missing.

These albums were very grand and loud whereas How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful performs differently—It knows how to exercise restraint. Still—thanks to Markus Dravs’ stripped-down production—it’s a step in a new direction for the band and one that can be appreciated. They pull together many decent tracks and make the album work.

AUTHOR & ARTIST Aden Beaver, 18, Bachelor of Creative Arts (Digital Media) If she wasn’t married, Aden would want to date Zooey Deschanel because she has a beautiful singing voice, is down to Earth and funny.

- Games -

UP

L evel

Hatoful Boyfriend

Help, my boyfriend is a pigeon!

similar to that of most visual novel games, with different programmed outcomes that occur depending on your chosen route. Naturally, my protagonist was a good student, always attending the math class to boost her wisdom stat, staying after school to help the math teacher mark some work, spending time in the library with a lonely student, and helping out her best friend.

So of course she managed to accidentally seduce the math professor who had his own murky past.

Upon doing more research I discovered that the game is a lot more complex than it appears on the surface.

Throughout the game there are some subtle references to an underlying darkness in the school, and by replaying the game and acquiring certain love interests, a secret scenario called Hurtful Boyfriend is unlocked.

In this secret storyline, gameplay continues normally at first but then switches to that of the protagonist’s best friend and becomes both a murder mystery and psychological thriller. This storyline is much longer than the original game, and reveals what happened to the world that allowed humans to become practically extinct and birds to rise up in their place.

Overall, the game is entertaining; there are puns, Pokémon references, cute holidays like Legumentine’s Day (Valentine’s Day but with the exchange of legumes), and brutal murder, so there’s really something for everyone. It is an easy game to play as well, and I would highly recommend it to everyone who likes dating simulations or just truly loves pigeons.

“ “Good morning everybirdie!”

— Kazuaki Nanaki, the soporific math professor.

“

For years, humans and pigeons have shared a special relationship. From Nikola Tesla’s famous pigeon lady-friend whom he loved as a man loves a woman, to that bird-feeding lady in Mary Poppins—there is just something special about those strange creatures that we adore so much. Hatoful Boyfriend, with the traditional quirkiness of Japan, takes that fondness just a little bit further.

Hatoful Boyfriend is a Japanese dating simulator in the form of an interactive visual novel developed by manga artist Moa Hato. Originating as an April Fools’ prank, Hatoful Boyfriend follows the branching plotline of a young girl living in a world populated by sapient birds. This protagonist is the only human attending St. PigeoNation’s Institute, an elite school for birds, where the player must make decisions to determine which of the charming birds she falls in love with.

AUTHOR Kelly Guthberlet, 20, Bachelor of Science/Education Kelly would date Scarlett Johansson because apparently they look alike and who wouldn’t want to date themselves?

When I first heard of this game, I thought it sounded incredibly ridiculous and decided to play it just for a laugh, not expecting much quality at all. However, I was surprised—the animation style is very aesthetically pleasing, the writing is engaging and humorous, and the characters are very well developed for pigeon school kids.

Taking about an hour, the game itself isn’t very long on first run through. However, I was impressed with the gameplay, which involves selecting options for the protagonist to carry out.

Players will need to determine which class to attend for the day (classes which all boost different stats for the character), whether to intervene in a bird fight, and which bird to invite to a festival. It has a format

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Food Review: Sex Food Once upon a time, my best friend and I sat in an empty Coles carpark in the middle of the night sucking on candied dicks and sex energy drinks obtained from a nearby sex store. Here is what we learned…

Edible condoms: Now, before you imagine what these things are like, I will shatter a few fantasies. Firstly, they don’t even look like condoms!

Instead, you get this thin little box, and the package is so light that you wonder if there is actually anything in there. When you open the box up, you are confronted with some thin bits of paper. As my friend and I investigated, he assumed that the condoms would be wrapped between the paper. No such chance. The condoms are the paper.

Let me tell you this: these things taste like ass.

The idea, according to the instructions, is to wrap it around your lover’s bendy straw and suck away. So the ‘edible condom’ part is probably a bit of false advertising. It is more like ‘a piece of edible paper you wrap around your dong.’ These things stick instantly when connected with saliva and they taste like melted plastic. So, once they’re in your mouth, that stuff isn’t leaving until you’ve washed it out. They claim to have two flavours—strawberry and orange—but while my friend and I were choking on them, desperately hunting for water in the backseat to wash them out, neither of us could find a flavour in either. Oh, and don’t worry, the company makes sure to leave a warning that these little suckers are not a contraceptive. Because, you know, someone’s probably tried.

Bottom line: Spit or swallow is not even a question with these.

Spit.

WET — Sex Energy Drink So here is where my friend and I did not read the instructions clearly.

We thought the drink was a stimulant at first, until we had to rip open the can to wash away the damn edible condoms taste and actually read the instructions. Lo and behold, it is more of a

longer-lasting deal: supposedly, you drink this, wait thirty to forty minutes, and then you can hammer away for hours.

Sex was certainly off the cards since I was not about to test all of the products’ claims for a spot in the monthly university magazine.

So, unsurprisingly, we sat there like idiots, sipping this damn drink in a shady car park for absolutely no real reason.

This thing actually tastes pretty good—a little bit like a passionfruit soda. You know, the cheap yellow soft drink with the tropical birds on it that someone always brings to a family BBQ. Since we were not going to fool around, the idea behind the drink makes this review a little redundant, but after forty minutes, the worst it did was get me giggling and give me the fuzzy feels. Seeing as most energy drinks dick around with my heart to the point I cannot drink them anymore, I regarded that as a plus.

Chocolate body paint Flavour: Strawberry and chocolate.

I have always been fascinated as to why chocolate seems to always end up being involved in the bedroom. It’s sticky, it smudges sheets, and would probably just come as a distraction from whatever else I was preoccupied with, because—you know— food.

But IF I was to be enticed into some sticky situation, I have my doubts about licking this off. I do not believe this company even tried to make it remotely tasty. Maybe the company was tanking and they quickly needed something new and erotic to go with their line of edible underwear. I don’t know.

This particular sample we tried tasted like someone had taken about a dozen of those strawberry Freddo frogs, dumped them in a bucket, and left that bucket to melt in an Australian summer, before packaging and selling it. The two seem to fuse in the bitterest way; instead of complimenting each other, the two flavours battle it out in a vicious taste bud massacre. My guess is that the product is probably a load of cooking chocolate and strawberry extract slapped together in a tube. My friend shrugged and claimed to like it, drawing lines of chocolate down his wrist

like he was about to snort the damn thing. As a chocolate lover myself, however, this was way too nasty.

Bottom line: I do not care if we have to wait around in our underwear for our Lindt chocolate to melt in the microwave—I would rather that than this.

Lollipop Cocks and Gummy Dicks: The lollipop cock is just about what you would expect. A big, strong, rainbow striped phallic candy, probably ranging from nine to twelve inches long. In other words, it is pretty much Tom Hiddleston’s junk. I know that these babies are used for other things thanks to a pop-up that appeared on my screen when I was fourteen, but I would rather not smell like a children’s carnival down there, so I stuck with my job of tasting it.

It is pretty much just a giant lollipop penis. It tastes like syrup and flavouring, with a burning aftertaste that asks you just what are you doing with your life. And it takes ages to finish. There aren’t enough hair ties and ‘I’m just taking a second’ breaks to save you from that, I can assure you.

Gummy dicks however are of a much smaller variety, so you can take more than one in your mouth at once — I cannnot believe I am even typing this right now. Ugh. It tastes like Yupi candies, but without the fun. Just a weird stale taste — almost as if nobody in their right mind would ever buy these for sexual purposes, and they’ve been wasting away on the shelf.

Chocolate Tits I completely knew what I was getting into when I picked up these two massive chocolate tits, complete with little perky nipples. If you were ever a kid as serious about chocolate as I was, the rule of thumb is usually bigger = tastes worse. However, you were one of those kids who just had to have the giant Easter egg shaped like a football, these double D’s are for you! It’s pretty much a load of cooking chocolate shaped like tits. I am not sure how I can extend on that. I took a couple of bites, and after being ambushed with that faux chocolate taste — as well as suffering through the edible rubbers and body paint — just shook my head and called it a night. If that was supposed to be what sex tasted like, my taste buds had just rolled over claiming they had a headache.

However, the day after, the chocolate tits were salvaged. They were cut up and baked into chocolate chip cookies, and then fed to my family. I regret nothing. Titty cookies, anyone?

Auntie Bethany’s Tit Cookies: 1 2/3 cups of all-purpose flour 3/4 teaspoon of baking powder 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda 1/2 salt 3/4 cup of butter, softened 3/4 cup of brown sugar 1/3 cup of white sugar An egg 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract Two fucking massive chocolate tits Preheat oven to 200c. Place your tits on the kitchen counter and then slice them open, gradually cutting them into little pieces. Add to mixture of other ingredients, then form balls and place on a well-greased tray. Bake for 40 minutes or until firm <3

AUTHOR Bethany Lawrence, 21, Bachelor of Arts (Creative Writing) If Bethany could date any celebrity it would be Tom Hiddleston and they would go cruising on the tears of everybody else’s disappointment.

ARTWORK Katalin Kiss

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where will you find your soul mate?

Your ride is a

Your ideal clothing is

Bus

All about the style

Anything comfortable

Your favourite thing about uni is On a Saturday night, your drink of choice is

Dating sites

I’m too cool for them

Sign me up!

Learning

Tequila

At uni

You lock eyes from across the

Webcam

online You will find your match through a series of suitability questions.

You’d go out and meet people but it’s cold and the loading times are terrible.

Going home

Pubcrawls

You watch your lectures

On FLO

Small economical hatchback

Taxi

Wine

Cider

Sunday morning, who’s that text from?

I have no idea, it just says ‘7/10’

D-Floor

in da club Your soul mate will be found booty-shaking their way into your life.

The pounding headache in the morning can’t compete with your pounding heart.

Two minute noodles are My lab partner A cheap & wholesome meal

UNIVERSITY Your soul mate might be studying in the library, hanging out on the lawns or lined up for coffee. There’s plenty of free things you can do together.

Not food

homewares Your soul mate will be found perusing the aisles for a reliable juicer in somewhere like Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Details at fb.com/FUSAssociation

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