Empire Times 42.1

EMPIRE TIMES YOUR STUDENT MAG

42.1 it's Free!3

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Welcome to another year of busting your balls, disturbed sleeping patterns, drinking too much or not enough, trading a social life and much worse (your online presence) for high distinctions, and putting off the ‘real’ world and it’s ‘real’ jobs.

I was 21 when I travelled alone for the first time, I didn’t think that jet-setting off to Europe just after Christmas would be problematic. Unexpectedly, I felt homesickness like I have never felt, and just one week after I left Australia, I found myself on a return plane. I had spent seven days feeling truly isolated, alone, and separated from everyone I had ever loved. As we descended into Adelaide, the stewardess said something over the speakers, which has stuck with me through the years.

“If you’re travelling here for the first time, welcome to Adelaide; if you’re a resident, welcome home”.

ey champs,

To all the new kids on the block, welcome to the most fantastic period of your life and ignore my earlier statement (uni really isn’t such a wet blanket).

Truth be told, the student life is actually pretty sweet.

Sure, sometimes you want to gouge your eyes out because you’re convinced that, despite fulfilling all the prerequisites for the class, your lecturer is speaking a foreign language. And yeah, you do develop a facial tick when only 25% of what you learnt for an exam actually appears in said exam. However, being a student is one of these experiences that allows you to grow, challenge yourself, and meet a whole bunch of people that have the same goal as you: to learn.

Inevitably, all of our uni experiences will come to an end and we’ll need to enter or re-enter the working world, so my advice to the old folk and the new is the same: have fun, take risks, fuck up, and kick some textbook arse.

Good luck, Jess

ey you lovely people!

Being new to university can be a very isolating experience. You’re in the adult environment, and no one is going to check up on you. If you don’t do your assignments, no one is going to ask you for them; they will just give you zero. I learned that the hard way in my first year, when I didn’t hand up any of my tute papers.

It’s your responsibility to make sure you do all the things correctly. It’s like being alone for the first time: exciting, exhilarating, and terrifying. What no one tells you is that it can also be very lonely. My tip for new students? Join a club. Do a sport. Write for our magazine. Get involved.

These things make the university experience, not the paper you get at the end of it.

So to the new students this year, I say: Welcome to Flinders. If you’re a returning student; welcome home.

Love Jenn

TOP PICKS FOR THIS ISSUE

TOP PICKS FOR THIS ISSUE

17 BRAve 36 The Fall of Johnny Depp 38 Packet Popper

17 BRAve 20 Trouble in Streamland 24 From the Itty Bitty to the City 34 How to Make Friends

3

OH HELLO there.

BEGINNINGS ISSUE

Jess Nicole Jenn Matters

SUB-EDITORS

Shaun Hobby

COLUMNISTS Laura Telford Emma Sachsse Marat Sverdlov Kaisha Wyld Eleanor Danenberg Karen Smart

PHOTOGRAPHERS Tori Hyland

ILLUSTRATORS Amber Hall Rafal Banasiak

CONTRIBUTORS Michael Bezuidenhout Anthony Bruno Kevin Clark Sarah Dinham (photography) Sarah Gates Jack Harrison Paul Harrison Shaun Hobby Mitchel Huffa Simone Jowett Bethany Lawrence Jess Miller Ann Raith Georgia Riessen Jo Schofield James Vigus Catherine Waag

FRONT COVER “Take Off” by Rafal Banasiak is intended to reflect the theme of beginnings and the journey ahead of fresh and continuing 2015 university students.

Issue 1 Vol 42 February 2015 empire.times@flinders.edu.au www.empiretimes.com.au Advertising: stephanie.walker@flinders.edu.au Empire Times is the student publication of Flinders University. All work within remains the property of the producers and may not be reproduced without their consent. Empire Times reserves the right to republish in any format.

Empire Times would like to acknowledge the Kaurna people who are the traditional custodians of the land Flinders University is situated on. We would also like to pay our respects to the elders past and present of the Kaurna nation and extend that respect to other Aboriginal peoples.

“The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily those of the editors, Flinders University, or Flinders University Student Association. Reasonable care is taken to ensure that Empire Times articles and other information are up-to-date and as accurate as possible, as of the time of publication, but no responsibility can be taken by Empire Times Magazine for any errors or omissions contained herein.”

WITH THANKS TO Since beginning the magazine, we have lost an editor, moved office twice, updated software, found and lost contributors and ripped all our hair out. We would like to thank the wonderful Shaun Hobby and Lucas Abraham. Without you two, we’re not sure this magazine would be what it is. Thank you.

FUCK YEAHS • • • • •

Peter Greste was released!

ET has a new office: come visit us at IS&T 345 QandA is back for the year Starting a new website Jess discovering dinosaur shaped pasta

FUCK NOS • •

,m

,m

EDITORS

Monty Oum died New office location requires eds to be as quiet as mice (cannot cope, send help and soundproofing!)

Index INTRO

FEATURES

FUN STUFF

3

EDITORIAL Introduction

20 TROUBLE IN STREAMLAND The new way consumers do music

42 CROSSWORD Win movie tickets!

8

PREZ DISPENSER A message from the President

24 THE ITTY BITTY TO THE CITY You’re not in Kansas anymore Toto

44 REVIEWS Find good stuff; avoid crap stuff

26 THE CAMPUS MAP Coffee, toilets and bike racks galore

11 ORDINARY COUNCIL Meet your council members

What type of student are

28 POCKET CHANGE ADELAIDE Adelaide on the cheap-side of life

COLUMNS

32 REALLY FUCKING BROKE And who is out there to help you

12 FEDERAL POLITICS The year that politics lost its mind

YOU?

34 HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS So you’re not a loner at uni

14 OPENLY SEXUAL Anticipation and expectation

50

CULTURE

16 THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING The bang that started it all

36 THE FALL OF JOHNNY DEPP The latest mis-step

17 FEMINISM BRAve

38 FICTION Packet Popper

18 WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT...

Treating your waitress right

43 FRINGE The Free Stuff

19 GET SMART Enrolment is the worst

10

28

26

24 5

LETTERS TO THE EDITORS empire.times@flinders.edu.au

www.empiretimes.com.au

/empiretimesmag

@empiretimesmag

/empiretimesmag

Empire Times Contributors

Photo by Sarah Dinham

Dear Editors,

Meow ET editor(s),

Dear Empire Times,

Just wanted to let you know that I am enjoying my copy of Empire Times.

Got a tip off Flinders University refurbishing the math, engineering dept at Bedford campus.

I put it in the staff room, as I think it gives us an insight into the issues and topics of concern to students.

Instead of responsible and sustainable disposal of desks, chairs, filing cabinets, fridges etc, everything was wilfully destroyed and put in dumpster.

Thanks very much for bringing this to our attention. The furniture you referred to was old and in some cases partially damaged so not in a suitable condition to sell or donate. The remainder of furniture from the School has been reused elsewhere or placed into storage for future reuse. In relation to the sustainability of our actions, the University’s waste management practices ensure that all disposed materials are sorted and recycled wherever possible and we currently recycle 95% of our waste diverting it from landfill.

Great work, lots of creativity.

Well done.

Professor Eileen Willis Sturt Campus

This has been happening for over a week to thousands of dollars of fixtures in secret rather than sold at auction or donated to needy community organisations.

I am appalled.

Trim x

We have previously donated surplus fit for use furniture to charities where wherever possible. We encourage members of the University community to advise us of potential charities who may be interested so that we can include them on our register of potential recipients.

David Banks Director Buildings and Property

- Events Calendar -

Orientation Week

Academic Dates

23

MARCH 2: First day of classes

Feb

10am 11am 12pm

3pm Sunset

O-Week Starts!

Scavenger Hunt VC address Free BBQ Comedy night Outdoor Cinema Ghostbusters

MARCH 13: Last day to enrol

24

APRIL 3: Census Date

Feb

11am 12pm 12:30

Scavenger Hunt Free BBQ ET Pie Throwing Contest APRIL 13 - APRIL 26: Mid-semester break

25

Feb 11am 11:30 12pm 5pm

Scavenger Hunt Minibike Stunt Duo Free BBQ Quiz Night

May 15: Last day to withdraw (WNF)

26 Feb

11am 12pm

3pm

Scavenger Hunt Great Gondos Circus Free BBQ O-Week Ends!

JUNE 19: Last day to withdraw (WF)

27

JUNE 20 - JULY 4: Semester 1 exam period

Feb 9am

TEDxFlinders University - Tonsley JULY 7 - JULY 27: Mid year break!

7pm O’Fiesta - Bedford

Park

Club Events on Campus

FLICS Movie Night Every Wednesday Starts: 25/2/15 5pm North Theatre 2 fb.com/groups/flindersfacts

Pastafarian Pints Every Thursday Starts: 5/03/15 5pm McHughs Pub fb.com/groups/flinderspastafarians

7

Prez Dispenser

The Student Council President (“Prez”) is the official spokesperson of students and the Student Council. They make representations on behalf of students to the university, media, government, and external organisations.

According to Oxfam, at some point this year the richest 1% of the world’s population will have amassed the same combined wealth as the 99% below them. Astonishing! In Australia the gap between the rich and the rest of us has never been greater. Who could ever seriously say that the fortunes of Gina Rinehart, for example, are ever within reach?

This growing inequality touches us here at Flinders. Many Flinders students and their families live below the poverty line, face unemployment or job uncertainty, or are crippled by debt. There is no defensible reason for this state of affairs. More than ever before we need organisations that will stand up against the priorities of Abbott government—a government whose interests lie with fortunes of the 1% at our expense. We need strong student associations like ours (FUSA), and if you’re employed we also need combative trade unions to collectively defend our working rights.

2013 was heralded by the Australian newspaper (no friend of students’ rights) as a year of student protest—with student campaigns ranked amongst the top ten most influential ‘people’ of the year. Mass demonstrations, campus actions against visiting Liberal ministers, and the disruption of our nemesis Christopher Pyne on popular ABC show Q&A became an unavoidable part of the news cycle.

The further deregulation of universities (and the funding cuts and increases in course fees that would inevitably follow) was spearheaded by Pyne last year, but failed to pass Senate. By protesting on the streets, student activists created a situation in which it was politically untenable for Labor and the cross-bench senators to vote for Pyne’s reforms. It was the most significant victory for the student movement in many years and FUSA was proud to be a part of it, mobilising a large number of Flinders students to support of this national campaign. Unfortunately Pyne is still determined to proceed and has vowed to re-introduce what he calls his “vital reforms.” The battle was won, but the war is not over. Yet.

Over summer Pyne used taxpayer money to launch a slimy advertising campaign to convince students and the community of the virtues of fee deregulation. While telling students “your future is Australia’s future,” it conveniently fails to acknowledge that deregulating fees will lead to a wholesale increase in the cost of a degree. By removing the cap on what universities can charge for a degree, the door is opened for an immense increase in the cost of attending university. This means many people from low socio-economic backgrounds—of which there is an ever increasing number in our unfair society—will be priced out of particular degrees or out of higher education altogether. Those that decide to attend university could end up with a life long debt similar to a mortgage. This will disproportionately affect women, Indigenous people, migrants and other disadvantaged groups.

Pyne’s deregulation also inevitably leads to a two-tiered education system where some wealthier universities (such as Melbourne and Adelaide University) would get more funding, leaving Flinders to struggle with truncated course offerings.

As students we must stand together to ensure Abbott and Pyne cannot impose their unpopular attacks on higher education. The National Union of Students has called a nation-wide demonstration for Wednesday 25 March.

We need as many Flinders students to attend both the on campus rally and join students from across Adelaide with a city rally through the CBD. Welcome to 2015—another year where we need as many of you as possible to defend public education. If this is your first year at uni, get involved and active in defence of our education. We welcome you! If you haven’t already, please join Flinders University Student Association (FUSA), get involved in clubs and societies, and come say hi when you see me around campus!

- James Vigus, Student Council President

Inside Student Council: Social Activities

The Social Activities Officer is responsible for the ongoing organisation and management of the activities deemed ‘social’ rather than political that are run by FUSA.

Why did you run for Student Council?

How can people help out and get involved?

After attending some FUSA events throughout 2014, I decided that I would love to be involved with student council in an event management position. For many years I have been interested in the behind the scenes running and creation of events, and I love being able to see my hard work come to fruition in a large-scale event that many people can enjoy.

Subcommittees! Seriously, if you want to help organise events, have a great idea for a party theme, or would like to volunteer your services on the day, then join the Social Activities Subcommittee.

The position of Social Activities Officer was a perfect way to combine my love of event management and pride in my university. In fact, in the last 6 months I have decided that I want to go into the event management industry in the future, so this is a perfect opportunity to build up my skills.

What kind of issues does the Social Activities Officer handle?

My job is to handle the behind the scenes creation and management of events that FUSA run for students.

Currently I am finalising details for the Semester 1 Pub Crawl (order your t-shirt at the FUSA stall all through O-Week!), and coming up with some super-awesome weekly activities for everyone to enjoy around campus.

I also offer support and advice to other Student Council members, students and clubs wanting to run events.

Alternatively, get involved with some of the clubs on campus, as many of them hold events regularly and would love new members that can help them out!

Finally, if you have a killer idea but don’t really have the time to commit (I’m looking at you, med and law students!), then shoot me an email and I can give you a bunch of help. My inbox is always open, even if my eyes aren’t.

What’s the best way for students to contact you?

You can email me at socialactivities.officer@flinders.edu.au

INTERVIEWEE Simone Jowett, 26, Languages (French) Simone’s best tip for students is to read often and widely!

What is the one issue/event you’d really like to either get started or improve upon this year?

There has been a serious lack of events and representation at our satellite campuses, and even at Sturt campus. My main concern is bringing fun and representation to the students at these other campuses.

This year is an extremely suitable year to do so, as it is impossible to fall back on the plaza to host all of our events. I am hopeful that the work I do this year will create excellent event spaces for FUSA to use in the future, even once the new student hub is built.

9

- Student Politics -

What made you choose to run for Student Council?

The student council is a voice for all. I wanted to be a proactive part of this.

I chose to run for Student Council because I am interested in the welfare of all students. I also feel that students should have a say in what is, and what is not happening on their campus.

What issues should students come see you about in particular?

We are continually being told that we are the consumers in a business run university, yet student wishes are so often devalued or ignored.

I am open to hearing from students about any issues. I take all concerns seriously and will work with students to find solutions.

Ann Raith rait0004@hotmail.com Ask for help anywhere, any time. The Flinders community are a friendly bunch. For the first few days don’t be afraid to ask for directions for finding tutorial rooms and lecture theatres. If possible have a walk around campus before your classes start.

What made you choose to run for Student Council?

Because I believe that FUSA should be actively pursuing better representation and services for all of its members rather than be run by Socialist Alternative for the sole purpose of overthrowing democracy.

With the Federal Liberal Government leading a campaign for $100,000 degrees and decreased uni funding it has never been more important to unite the student body and fight university deregulation as one, not alienate large sections of

passionate students with Marxist rhetoric.

What issues should students come see you about in particular?

Anything even vaguely student related! I have a particular passion for getting fun and engaging things happening on campus so if you have any ideas let me know.

I’m also the National Union of Students’ Ethno-Cultural Officer so I’m very interested in any student related ethnic, cultural or linguistic diversity issues.

Michael Bezuidenhout michael.bez@outlook.com The Statement of Assessment Methods (SAM) is as close as you can get to a stable plan for assignments – only trust the deadlines set in your topic’s SAM!

What made you choose to run for Student Council?

To provide more of a student focus in the council instead of the political focus that has been evident in the past elections and to hopefully improve the campus atmosphere with more people involved.

What issues should students come see you about in particular?

I am going to try and get a calendar up and

running for the year so that students can see the events that are happening, so if you are part of a club/society on campus and want more people involved in an event, then let me know and we can get this calendar up and running.

Also, any ideas that will get students more involved who aren’t the typical students that current events are aimed towards (mature aged students, international students, etc.).

Catherine Waag wagg0002@flinders.edu.au Get to know as many people as you can as soon as you can. Talk to that person in your lecture that is sitting by themselves. They are probably just as daunted by the whole situation as you are. Also, go to as many events at Flinders as you can. It’s a great way to meet people and make the most of your uni life.

- Student Politics -

What made you choose to run for Student Council?

What issues should students come see you about in particular?

I ran for student council because I am very passionate about Flinders University and the students that go here. Being on student council means I can make sure Flinders students get the representation they need in continuing the fight against the federal government’s attacks on Higher Education and that the university maintains and delivers the facilities that students deserve.

Anything at all! I’m their student representative and it’s my job to represent them. If any students are concerned about facilities, classes or have ideas for improvements to campus life, let me know so I can bring that up on student council and see what we can do. I also urge any student concerned about government cuts to universities, health and welfare to see me if they want to get involved to help fight them.

Jack Harrison jack.w.harrison@icloud.com Go to as many lectures as you can! I fell into the trap of watching a few online instead of going and I started to forget about them! Also definitely think about joining some of the great clubs we have here at Flinders. Finally, make sure you regularly read the best student magazine, Empire Times!

What made you choose to run for Student Council?

What issues should students come see you about in particular?

I didn’t choose the student council life. The student council life chose me.

As usual, the student council members are out here to help with all issues with students, no matter how small.

Specifically for me, if you need help about knowing what events and shenanigans you can get up to after all of your lectures, I’ll be setting up better ways to find out with help from Simone, our Social Activities Officer and the Uni Clubs. But feel free to ask about anything! If I don’t know, I’ll pass it on to someone who will!

That and working on the campus culture during this huge changeover period with the hub, getting voices out for clubs on campus, and being able to run events for you guys to enjoy. If you have an idea of something that you’d like to see on campus, tell us and we’ll see if we can do it!

Mitchel Huffa dadropbear@gmail.com Your 3 year course will turn into a 4 year course in some obscure, silly way. It happens to everyone. If you feel depressed, stressed out, anxious or out of it, go see the Health, Counselling and Disability Services. It also functions as a free GP!

What made you choose to run for Student Council?

Across this year I wanted the chance to make the uni as fun and inclusive a place as possible. As an engineering student, I felt that the student council often ran events and promotions that only effected the demographic that they were most closely connected with, mostly humanities and law.

This year in particular, with the opening of

Tonsley, I want to make sure that students outside of the North Ridge still get to enjoy all that uni life has to offer, and to have access to all of the great services and advice that FUSA provides.

What issues should students come see you about in particular?

Any advice about what is involved in starting a club, as I have gone through that process myself in the last year. Also, any issues with the move to Tonsley.

Kevin Clark clar0737@flinders.edu.au Find either a club that shares an interest with you or a group of friends who are all part of something on campus, such as social netball or another sporting club. It really helps break up some of the intensity of study, particularly in the later part of semester, and helps make university more than just a place to get a degree.

11

- Politics -

Federal Politics in Australia

The Year Politics Lost Its Mind

by Laura Telford

A

t the end of 2013, most people believed Australian politics could not get any more ridiculous. From attempted leadership spills every other week, to an uncooperative parliament by many people’s standards, to the deposition and changing of prime ministers three times in less than 4 month and the periodical votes of no confidence against the Prime Minister, we thought we had seen it all. How wrong we were.

2014 turned out to be one of the greatest years in Australian political history if your scales was solely based on controversies and bashing-your-head-againstthe-wall moments. Many on the right side of politics expected Tony Abbott to be their saviour, a much needed warrior to combat the hostile and unmanageable sphere Australian politics had found itself in. He came to power in a flurry of grandiose promises, but it seems he has faced more obstacles than Julia Gillard, and they do not seem to be abating.

Possibly the most dangerous (and comical) of these obstacles is Tasmanian Senator Jacqui Lambie, who makes her former boss, Clive Palmer’s antics look like tiny in comparison to the tidal waves from Hell she is imposing on our political discourse. Lambie has exclaimed that she likes her men rich and well-hung on live radio, has decided that not only does Tony Abbott have a female problem “that stems from his education at an all-boys school” but then followed this with comments

stating that he needs to “grow a pair” and talk to her.

Her outrageous comments and her views on Islam and the Muslim population are well established. She seems to have replaced One Nation’s Pauline Hanson with her extreme views, though that is no surprise given Hanson is Lambie’s political idol. There seems to be no stopping this Senator and if 2014 was any indication 2015 will be even stranger.

Amongst the politically aware, there is the view that Oppositions do not win elections so much as Governments lose them. Despite what Abbott supporters think, the writing was on the wall for the ALP even before Government Ministers could be sworn in after the 2013 election. Despite this inevitability, Abbott seems to have gone from weakness to weakness, falling at many opportunities and not gaining ground on contentious issues that are needed if he is to persuade the public to vote in favour of him again in two years time.

His 2014 budget has yet to pass the Senate, his maternity leave legislation has not even been introduced into the House of Representatives and his grand plans of a week devoted to “cutting government red tape” was overshadowed by the minor parties creating mayhem.

In the last few months, Victoria has gone to the polls and elected an ALP State Government and the Byelection in the SA seat of Fisher resulted in another ALP member being elected to the House of Assembly. The only thing Abbott can positively say he did was repeal

- Politics -

JL

Jacqui Lambie: “...now they must have heaps of cash, and they gotta have a package between their legs, let’s be honest. And I don’t need them to speak.”

Tony Abbott: “Women are particularly focused on the household budget and the repeal of the carbon tax means a $550 a year benefit for the average family.”

NX

TA

Nick Xenophon: “Look, I think the paid parental leave scheme is a bit like that Monty Python’s dead parrot — the Government thinks it’s alive, but it’s well and truly gone.”

the Carbon Tax and the Mining Resources Rent Tax, both enacted under Gillard; something he claims was his finest moment as Minister for Women.

It would not be a review of contemporary Australian politics without giving a mention to Nick Xenophon and his outlandish attempts to make it all about Nick while proclaiming he is doing what is in SA’s best interest.

One only needs to go as far as Annabel Crabb’s Kitchen Cabinet episode on Xenophon to see the façade fall and the real nick emerge – Tom Waterhouse anyone?

Not one to be overshadowed in the Senate, Xenophon announced he is creating his own political party for the next federal election, a kind of Palmer United Party crossed with Katter’s Australia Party. Xenophon will continue to remain at the forefront of peoples minds as Parliament resumes, forming a lose coalition with the other Independents in the Senate, and as the most experienced, will be trying to be a father figure to the newbies.

As parliament concluded in 2014, the public gained some unfettered access into the very private world of the Liberal National Party, with backbenches beginning to voice concern over Abbott’s ability to lead the party.

There’s nothing quite like a little leadership speculation to end the year! While many have dubbed Julie Bishop as the next Liberal Prime Minister, it would be folly to suggest that such a spill would take place, unless major issues were made public given the electoral backlash the

ALP suffered after the 2013 election. There is no doubt that Abbott and his government are unpopular, but a leadership spill or even change would be a risky move and more than likely would not bode well with voters as the Rudd/Gillard/Rudd turmoil is still fresh.

Ready to see what the December cabinet re-shuffle did?

Ready to see Abbott try and pass his 2014 budget measures?

Scott Morrison as Social Services Minister?

Peter Dutton as Minister for Immigration and Border Protection?

Two women on the front bench?

Jacqui Lambie talk about Botox?

Because ready or not, here they come!

AUTHOR Laura Telford, 21, Arts

13

OPENLY SEXUAL each other’s eyes and talking about how you have never felt this way before. On the whole you really do believe this, each time seems unique no matter how many times you have been through it before and if you think you have felt like this before I would suggest not mentioning that. New partners can get touchy about being told that this special moment between you is exactly like last time for you. Honestly it is unique, no two people getting together is going to be exactly alike. Although there may be similarities it is important to recognise the differences and adjust your behaviour accordingly.

Also don’t take them to places that have a romantic meaning for you with other partners. Find new ones.

Often we can get caught up in a romanticised version of what the world will be like and how our new love interest is going to behave. The first touch, the first kiss the first snog the first fuck... It is all so exciting and oh so wonderful, hopefully. What we have to remember, whether we are brand new to all this or we are old hands, is that it is not going to be like the movies nor is it going to be like the last time. This person is going to feel different, smell different, be unpredictable, not say or do what we expect when we expect it. If you go in with too many expectations of what this relationship is going to look like you may be sorely disappointed.

Communication is key here. Sure you may be too busy gazing into

It is important to take the time to learn about your partner before

”

T

he start of a new relationship can be a lot of fun. Nerve wrecking but fun. The first time they catch your eye and you feel excited, liking them and having no idea if they have even noticed you. The first flirtatious conversations that leave you breathless The stomach wrenching, sickening not knowing if they like you back feeling. The slightly neurotic obsessing about them the anticipation of seeing them again. The sheer heart flipping joy of finding out they like you too. The rush of chemicals being released is a heady cocktail of feel good fun times.

Sex with someone new as I am sure you know is not always easy perfect and fabulous. There are new things to learn about likes and dislikes, the nipple kissing your last partner liked so much is a turn off for this one, the gentle caressing that drove your last partner wild with desire turn this one into a giggling wreck of ticklishness. Even the way your bodies fit together will be different and that perfect position that always got you off, no longer works, at all.

going full steam ahead and doing that terribly clever thing you do with your tongue. Even if this is a one night stand, take a moment to ask what the other person would like, what turns them on, what turns them off, This conversation if done properly can be a real turn on in itself and can be done more than once for added benefits. For instance if you ask “What turned you on last time?” “What can I do better this time?” You may even continue to learn and explore each other and have better sex. For those in the one night stand scenario it is still worth putting in a little more conversation to add to the enjoyment of both parties and establish your reputation as amazing in bed. Who wants to be known as an inconsiderate sexual partner? People who don’t want to get laid again that’s who.

Oh and the most important question you should ask a new sexual partner no matter how in luurrve you are, is do you practise safe sex? If they don’t then they are not a considerate sexual partner and they do not care about you so I would advise that you just tell them that since you have syphilis you just thought they might want to protect themselves and see what they do then…

AUTHOR Emma Sachsse, 42, Psychology (Hons) Emma’s tip for new students is read Paul’s article on page 34.

”

COMMUNICATION IS KEY

Le

.

e ride ...

njoy th arn t o e

!

R E H T E TOG Things I wish I had known at the beginning: •

How to put on a condom in a “no fuss way”

•

Practise and familiarity with the objects in question makes perfect people

P

•

That fanny farts happen

•

When I wasn’t ready for something

•

When I could say NO, which is whenever you like.

ase urch

Now!

Lover’s

RICAN T LUB

WHENEVER! •

When I should have said yes!

•

How important clitoral stimulation is

•

How to recognise jerks

•

How to appreciate my own body

SIMPLE!

COMMU

A great sense of humour A sense of adventure

NICATI

I like it w

hen you

My turn

s offs are

To really enjoy sex with someone new, there are a few things you need!

An idea of who you are

ON COU

PON

An idea of what you are prepared to try An idea of what you are not prepared to try An awareness of the many varied types, shapes, colours and sizes of genitals out there Condoms Birth control

I’d reall

y like to

try

Dental damns Silicone lubricant The ability to laugh, a lot!

15

- Science -

The

Theory Of

Everything The Biggest of the Bangs

by Marat Sverdlov For a period of 380,000 years, the contents of our lunch box singularity smashed into each other at such force that they broke down into subatomic particles that resembled something like a cloud of fog. Like regular fog, this obstructed and scattered light, and hid the light of the ‘Big Bang’. This period is referred to as ‘The Dark Ages’ . The scattering contents began cooling down as they expanded through time and space away from the initial ‘Bang’.

T

his is the currently accepted model of the Big Bang. It is undergoing constant revision as we build more telescopes, capture more radiation, and crunch more data. It’s not perfect, but we keep making it incrementally more accurate. In the future a better model may supplant it however this (in simple terms) is what we’ve worked out so far.

Way back at the beginning of what we call time, the universe was condensed into an incredibly hot and dense singularity; a single point not unlike what is thought to be at the centre of black hole. Roughly 13.8 billion years ago, it underwent an enormous growth spurt we refer to as ‘cosmic inflation’. How huge? It doubled in size 90 times in the first 10-37 (that’s 0.00 00000000000000000000000000000000001) seconds. This is where we get the analogous name of the ‘Big Bang’. It wasn’t an explosion in the strictest sense of the word, but you could imagine it as one. Imagine, say, a densely packed lunch box exploding. All of its contents (along with the hot expanding air) move outwards in all directions and are spread across a much larger space.

You probably imagined them falling to the ground or hitting walls, perhaps a banana peel comically landing on someone’s head. Now imagine there’s no ground, no walls, no planet or air to slow them down as they travel outward in all directions, the only things the contents of the lunch box can hit are each other.

Particles known as electrons and nuclei combined to form atoms. It is thought that this process , referred to as ‘Recombination’, made that subatomic ‘fog cloud’ transparent — releasing the first light of the universe. This first light is called “cosmic microwave background radiation”. It’s still detectable today, and studying it is how we learn a whole lot about the early universe.

As the universe cooled and particles with higher densities combined and drifted towards each other interstellar gas and dust clouds formed and then, at extremely low temperatures, bound together. When the inner cores became dense enough, they collapsed inwards under their own gravity and began to spin, which both heated them up and pulled more material inwards in a cosmic whirlpool. When the core was hot and dense enough, the hydrogen began to fuse; releasing huge amounts of energy. This resulted in the cosmic furnace that you and I would recognise as a star. The remaining gas and dust around it was blasted outwards into space, to float in emptiness until just enough cloud gathered in a small enough area to repeat the process over and over.

The fusing hydrogen created all the heavier elements that naturally occur in the universe. These elements are blasted outwards into the universe whenever a star burns out and ‘dies’, assuming it’s not dense enough to collapse into a black hole. This explosion, known as a supernova scatters all of those heavier elements into the universe where occasionally they’ll find their way into high density clouds and form asteroids and planets and of course, with a little industrial help, lunch boxes.

- Feminism -

“ Feminist: a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

“ BRAve

by Kaisha Wyld

D

uring the holidays, I read a BuzzFeed article—one of those ones where the author tries something new for a week. A week without makeup, a week with makeup: this one was a week without a bra.

The author learned that only she noticed that she wasn’t wearing a bra. Importantly, she also discovered that people are actually quite mature about cold nipples and generally don’t care. She only gained these insights after she was able to move past her own feelings of constant scrutiny and judgement.

This made me think. It made me think a lot.

My first thought was that there’s a possibility that the bra industry is just some overpriced conspiracy which funds some kind of evil that’s probably associated with controlling the masses. Have you seen the prices of some bras?! When I change a cup size, I have to save for months before my cup no longer spilleth over.

My second thought, and admittedly the thought that I ruminated over most was: why is it seen as so immoral, or ‘loose’, if a woman doesn’t wear a bra? Why are women, particularly well endowed women, shamed for not wearing, or appearing to wear, underwear? Or, if the reader denies shaming braless women, why do they feel shamed? Where is this imagined scrutiny coming from?

Kristin Chirico, the author of the BuzzFeed article, said this: “I feel oddly compelled to curl myself up into a ball, in order to make myself seem smaller so that people can’t see”. I couldn’t help but agree in so many ways. I feel as though I am forcing people around me to look at my chest every time I stand up straight, a feeling which has resulted in rolled shoulders and a slight hunch. When I was younger, I was constantly reprimanded by relatives for somehow being overtly sexual by standing straight. I still remember being told to “put those

away!” Away where? I can’t just tuck these under my arms.

Over time, these remarks have instilled a fear within me. I was afraid that I was being too sexual, and that I would be judged as a bad influence just for having breasts that require an underwire to stop them from knocking out small children as I walk past. As a result, I have always worn singlets under my shirts for added breast constriction; I wore rash tops— not for sun protection but because I was uncomfortable parading my breasts around; and I don’t own a single low-cut top, for fears that I would be labelled vulgar. I don’t even know how to casually wear cleavage without battling the internal reprimand that I look like I want to get laid.

So, I tried going braless in public a couple of times through the holidays to verify the views of the author. I came out of the experiences with an incredible sense of discomfort each time.

Not physical discomfort, but the type of discomfort you get when you think everyone around you is silently judging you but you can’t challenge or verify its actuality. Maybe in time this feeling will go, maybe it’s too deeply ingrained in my psyche, maybe I need to stop caring what other people think. Or what I think they think.

So this year, I will be thinking twice about real or imagined social expectations. Where they come from, and what purpose they may serve, and who knows? I might just stop feeling shamed for being who and what I am. And that’s a real beginning.

AUTHOR Kaisha Wyld, 22, Psychology (Hons) Kaisha’s plans of world domination include improving sexual health education for all

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- Feminism -

We Need to Talk About...

The realities of sexism and gender in every day life

Treating your waitress right

by Eleanor Danenberg

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t is a truth universally acknowledged that people who mistreat waiters and waitresses are scum of the earth who deserve an eternity in the fiery pits of hell with Kyle Sandilands as their only company. I firmly believe that if hospitality work were a compulsory civic duty, similar to the year of Army service that is mandatory in some countries, then the world would be a better place. People would be more patient and understanding when they went out for a bite, and this would rub off on their everyday lives.

I know this sounds over the top, but after waitressing for over a year, I’m fired up; customer service is the worst.

Now, waitressing isn’t all bad; for every one rude customer, you have twenty lovely ones — but the fact of the matter is, I remember way more bad waitressing experiences than I do good ones.

I give up my breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, so that you can have better ones. I serve you with a smile no matter what’s going on in my own life — heartbreak, a hangover, or the inexplicable desire to stab the man on table 10 with a steak knife. The customers don’t know that my legs and feet are cramping due to working six nights in a row, nor do they know that working gives me such back pain that at the end of every shift, I lie down on the living room rug while my dad walks on my back to get rid of those knots.

I’ve realised that waitressing is not as glamorous as it looks. A customer has told me that —due to short staff and slow service on a busy evening— I ruined his night. I was so upset by his nerve, and simply by the confrontation, that I nearly cried. Luckily, my Supervisor gave me the best possible advice: he said that by crying, I’m letting the customer get to me, and therefore I’m letting the customer win. I’ve never let a customer get to me since then, I just try to rise above it. I tried to rise above it, even when a customer mocked my pronunciation and mimicked me as I offered the table drinks. And when a customer asked if our restaurant had an iPod dock where he could charge his phone, and when I obliged, he ‘joked’ that I should take some topless selfies on it before returning it to him.

Customers click their fingers or raise their hands until I give them attention, instead of the universally accepted method of getting someone’s attention — politely asking “Excuse me?”

Another perk of waitressing is dealing with customers who think that they know more about cooking than our chefs do. For example, when a customer said to me, “It wouldn’t take me this long to cook a steak at home”, I

fought the temptation to reply, “Well why don’t you do that then, you grumpy cow?” Oh, and the customers who don’t understand the basics of meat never cease to amaze me. The more you cook a steak, the more it will shrivel; therefore, a well-done steak will be smaller than the same cut of meat cooked to a medium-rare, for example. Which is exactly what I explain to cheapskate customers when they complain “Why is his steak bigger than mine?”

Finally, my experiences with waitressing have revealed what a sexist industry it unfortunately is. I will never forget the skin-crawling moment when a customer said to me “Why don’t you be a good little girl and bring me a beer?”

I can’t imagine him saying “Why don’t you be a good little boy and bring me a beer?” if one of my male counterparts had served him. The anecdote I mentioned earlier, when the customer ‘joked’ about a topless selfie of mine ending up on his phone—I can’t quite see it happening with the roles reversed, a customer joking to a waiter about taking a dick-pic on their phone.

I know that waitresses’ bottoms are pinched as they’re walking through the restaurant or serving food, and I know that the way they’re ogled at or talked to or drunkly hit on can make them feel uncomfortable at their workplace, and like they’re a piece of meat on the menu instead of a person just doing their job. It’s unforgivable.

I must admit, waitressing’s not all bad though. I’ll never forget the man who came in every night for the week he was in town, and when he left, he bought each staff member a box of chocolates to say thank you. I’ll never forget all of the good tippers, the people who have offered me jobs after enjoying my ‘people skills’ for the evening.

Oh, and Carl Barron has asked me how I was going, I directed Eddie McGuire to the men’s toilets, and Karl Stefanovic came in one night for dinner…on my night off.

I’m still pretty emotionally raw about that one.

It’s a tough industry, but with a good team of co-workers, and understanding, patient customers, it’s surprisingly bearable— and dare I say, maybe even enjoyable.

AUTHOR Eleanor Danenberg, 19, Arts Return of the Jedi makes her cry. Every damn time.

- Get Smart -

Negotiating the murky waters of new student enrolment

by Karen Smart

I

may have a few more steps logged on the ol’ pedometer of life than some university students, but I’m hardly ancient. I know my way around social media. I can handle Endnote like a pro. Not much fazes me (although I vehemently draw the line at using the term ‘bae’).

But enrolment? Cripes.

When I scored a place in my degree of choice there was much merriment and rejoicing, quickly followed by panic, anxiety, and a general feeling of bewilderment. How the heck do I schedule classes? Where do I find out more information about electives? What about textbooks? How will Wingman (my long-suffering husband) and teenage kids cope without Mum on call? Does this mean I now have to dye my hair blue and get an undercut? But I don’t even like beer!

Scheduling my classes proved to be the biggest hurdle. I’m undertaking a science degree, which means there were multiple lectures, pracs, workshops, supervised study, and lab hours to ‘Tetris’ in. At first, everything clashed. I couldn’t choose certain electives because lectures were held at FMC or Sturt campus and the adjacent lectures at South Ridge didn’t allow enough time in between to get down there.

Each time I thought I had everything balanced properly, I would double check the topic details page on the uni website to find out that I’d accidentally lined myself up to view all three biology lectures online (not advisable by the way), or I’d inadvertently chosen the one elective that had no choices for a lecture time, which also happened to be right smack in the middle of my kids’ school drop-off time. Back to the drawing board I’d go. It was a logistical nightmare.

And so, allow me to share some humble advice for future Flinders students: Familiarise yourself with every square inch of the Flinders University website. Look up the Pathway of Study for your course —it will spell out your core topics and which electives you can choose from. Read through each topic thoroughly.

How much class contact time is required? Are there specific lecture times you’ll need to register for if viewing lectures online? Can any topics be taken externally, and if so, are you the kind of student that can hack external study? Where will your classes be? Can you walk to your next class or will you need to bus it to another part of campus?

Flinders typically requires enrolment in your chosen topics by the last week of January, but you do have a bit of breathing room before class registrations open up in early February.

Use this time to have a muck around with UniBuddy, Flinders’ unofficial timetable planner —the link to it can be found at the bottom of every topic details page— and see what sticks.

Tweak this. Fiddle with that. When you’re happy with it, screenshot or print your UniBuddy timetable for reference and when class registrations open, log into the My Timetable section of the Student Information System and duplicate your choices on the official system.

Be aware though – classes fill up fast, so aim to be sitting at your computer at the scheduled time with your first (and second) choices for class times at the ready. And if it doesn’t work out exactly as you planned, cry to yourself a little, realise it’s not just you, and remember – nobody ever died from attending an 8am class.

Now, if someone would just hand me that box of blue hair dye…

AUTHOR Karen Smart, 30ish, plus 5, Nutrition & Dietetics Karen is an unapologetic stationery nerd and slightly obsessed with Instagramming pictures of her Italian Greyhound, ‘Louis’.

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TROUBLE IN STREAMLAND THE FLAWED LOGIC OF THE STREAMING HOLDOUTS

The way that we listen to music has changed forever.

Long gone are the days of portable turntables pumping out tinny renditions of the latest pop hit that we lined up for at the record store. What seems to be causing no end of concern in the boardrooms of the music business is not so much that their world is changing but how fast it is changing. The last few decades have seen formats giving way to more convenient successors. Vinyl gave way to CD, as 8-track gave way to cassettes. CDs and cassettes fought a short and bloody battle that largely mirrored the war between VHS and DVD in the film distribution market. Things that had moving parts gave way to things that didn’t. What was also happening is that formats were closing the gap between the physical and the digital.

When Apple launched the iTunes store in 2003, the gap disappeared forever. It was no longer necessary to go and hand over money for a plastic box with songs in it. Perhaps more importantly, it was no longer necessary to take a chance on an album if the only songs you had heard were the singles that played on the radio. If you just wanted that one song that you liked, regardless of whether it was a single, you only needed to pay for that song. Record labels could get paid without having to press a single album; without having to work out what kind of paper they should use for the little book that goes in the front of the case.

The digital revolution took a little bit of time to get going— here in Australia, it would take another decade for digital music sales to overtake physical sales. Still, this was not necessarily the result of a simple shift in buying habits. Digital was growing at the same time that physical was shrinking, but total revenues were still falling. Overall, we are buying less music. Some of this is attributable to the rise of file sharing and the dreaded ‘piracy’. Defenders of their copyrightinfringing activities have a common refrain that sounds like ‘if we could get what we wanted legally,

we wouldn’t pirate’. Subscription-based streaming services like Spotify have been successful in turning casual pirates back into customers by giving them exactly what they want: legal content in the format of their choice .

Music has evolved beyond the need for physical form, and listeners in droves are upping stakes and moving to a place I am going to call Streamland. Streamland is a magical universe where for a nominal monthly fee an entire universe of music is available at your fingertips. Infinite playlists can be created and shared – your musical proclivities can go through a constant process of exploration and refinement without having to fork out for a single individual track. All, however, is not as peaceful as it might be in the glorious utopia of Streamland. Big players, old and new, continue to resist this new paradigm. Taylor Swift and her label, Big Machine Records, is the latest artist to cling to the old at the expense of common sense, as well as profit.

Physical sales are down, digital sales are not growing a rate sufficient to replace them, and streaming services are seeing rapid expansion . In light of these facts, it seems a little odd that Big Machine Records and Taylor Swift would choose to remove her catalogue from all ad-supported streaming services . Label boss Scott Borchetta argues that the decision was made to preserve the social standing of the ‘superfans’ that don’t want to look silly in front of their friends for buying CDs. The comments made by Borchetta make it unclear exactly who was behind the decision to remove the catalogue from the services.

On the surface, it probably seems like a pretty sensible decision: only give your product to people who are prepared to pay. This strategy, however, does come at a cost.

Freemium streaming models (ad-supported or featurelimited free accounts and premium paid accounts) like Spotify represent a major change to the way that

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artists are compensated for their work. Rather than revenue coming in per-sale payments, it is a constant trickle of revenue based upon the royalty payments models established by the streaming services. In the case of Taylor Swift, there are two figures that are under dispute. Big Machine Records claims that they were paid US$496,000 for the streaming of Swift’s back catalogue in 2014. Spotify argues that the figure paid out was more like US$2m. Irrespective of which figure is correct, it is still many stacks of bills on top of their physical and digital album sales revenue for next to no extra work.

In addition to a steady pay-day for back-catalogue streaming, the other thing that an artist and their label potentially give up on is exposure. At the time of writing, Spotify have just reached 15 million paid subscribers, and have approximately 45 million free users. What this signals is that the ears are moving to Streamland in droves and they may not ever leave.

If you refuse to go where the audience is, you risk not being heard by as many new pairs of ears as you might have been. You risk not being featured on the most-followed playlists and not showing up in user’s activity feeds and being seen by their followers.

The social networking aspect of streaming services represents a multiplier effect for emerging (and established) artists. Over time, new music consumers will enter the market, but they may not be able to access the catalogues of certain artists (that they may have enjoyed) due to their lack of availability on a given streaming service. This means that both parties will miss out on the opportunity to collide in both a commercial and an artistic space.

It could be, that if artists are going to be better compensated for their streaming, the solution lies not in Spotify’s business model but in that of the music industry. If the label is being paid more than 80% of the streaming revenue , then perhaps the balance between label and artist needs to be addressed to allow both parties to benefit from this new distribution channel in a meaningful way.

One way or another, things in the music business are changing rapidly. Old revenue streams are drying up, and new ones are replacing them. Artists and their labels have been struggling to keep up, not only with the pace of this change but the direction, for decades. The traditional revenue split agreements of the past may have been proven to work for the retail and retail-like business models, but as emerging distribution channels gain traction this balance will likely require more frequent revision. The world is changing and refusing to adapt may appear principled for now, but the day will come when artists and labels wake up to find the well of new fans has dried up for good.

AUTHOR Shaun Hobby, 34, Arts (Hons) Shaun’s tip for first year students is to speak up in tutes. It is better to be half wrong when there are no grades on the line than half wrong when there are.

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AGM

ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING

flinders university student association

Tuesday March 31st 1pm Humanities North Theatre 1

it is your student organisation

help shape it

FREE BBQ!

Photo by Tori Hyland

Empire Times University Guide From the Itty Bitty to the City Campus Map Pocket Change Adelaide ET Guide to Being Really Fucking Broke How to Make Friends at Uni

For more, head to www.empiretimes.com.au/guides

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From the Itty Bitty to the City It’s that time of year again. Collective sighs can be heard across Australia as the start of the university year rolls around. For some of us it dramatically marks the end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood.

For others, it might more simply mark the end of sinfully late nights and equally late sleep-ins, and the beginning of buckling down.

However, for a lot of us, it means something huge — moving interstate. For kids from rural Australia, moving away for university is an almost inevitable part of life, for either our small town doesn’t offer adequate learning opportunities, or these small-town kids want to experience the big city.

Even though Sydney, Brisbane, Perth, and Melbourne all look down on Adelaide as the littlest city, it seems pretty damn big to country kids. We’ve written this guide about surviving the move to a new city, Adelaide, in the hopes that we can help any Flinders newbies who have also made the brave, terrifying move. Adelaide newbies, you have homesickness, different road rules, and general interstate disdain to look forward to, and who better to guide you through the rocky terrain than two Flinders students who made the move from rural Victoria, Jess and Eleanor…

The Public Transport System aka How to be Nearly Late for Everything

the city. That was terrifying. Definitely remember to hail.

J: Every Flinders student has a horror bus story, and mine happened in Week One of uni when I found my way to North Terrace for an assignment. I had used public transport only once before, and never by myself. This explains the one-and-a-half hours it took me to find the bus stop— which turned out to be a four-minute walk from where I started. Later that day, I walked halfway home trying to find the returning bus.

E: Another sore point for me is the damn Metro card. I still don’t have one after living in Adelaide for a year, possibly due to a mysterious suspicion of conformity, but most likely due to simple forgetfulness.

So when I climb on the bus with a handful of silver coins, I’ve learnt the hard way to always be prepared for the burning judgement in the drivers’ cruel, unforgiving eyes.

E: My first solo Metro experience involved a trip in to North Terrace too…it must be cursed. I was sitting at one of the bus stops on University Drive, excited as could be for my first city bus trip – don’t judge, I’m from the country! Anyway, I stand up and wait at the curb when I see my glorious chariot (the G10) approaching… and it drives right past me, driver and passengers catching a glimpse of my confused face as they zoom past. Slightly embarrassed and now running late, I wonder where I went wrong. Then, I catch the very small print at the top of the bus stop sign, asking us to hail. Such a simple mistake when all I needed was someone to give me a hand.

J: That happened to me too...at 11pm in

J: But awkward mistakes and sheer humiliation aside, taking the bus can be unexpectedly wonderful. I remember a day last year when a tradesman boarded the bus, sat down, and promptly started knitting. It was such a striking image that someone asked him when he’d taken it up; by the time we reached my stop the whole bus was audience to the tradesman’s knitting anecdotes. I was genuinely sad to go.

So in summary: the bus system may not be quite as nice as sitting in your car, but nobody can say it’s not interesting.

An Ode to Farmer’s Union and South Australian Football E: Farmers Union Iced Coffee has annually

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Art by Amber Hall outsold Coca Cola in SA. South Australians drank so much Farmers Union in 2008 that it became the only place in the world where a milk beverage outsold a cola one. SA is responsible for many national treasures, but the big 3 are Farmers Union, Jatz biscuits, and Port Power football club…what???

J: As a Victorian AFL fan, I would just like to say that I am slightly sickened by the amount I now know about Port Power and the Adelaide Crows. It’s pretty hard to escape.

How to Sleep Longer and Still Get to Class on Time, in 1 Easy Step! Be the Envy of All Your Adelaidean Classmates!

E: Moving interstate is nerve-wracking enough, but worrying about meeting people and settling in to your community is something else entirely. Luckily, Jess and I were fortunate enough to move into Flinders University Hall, the on-campus accommodation that our Uni offers.

At the Hall, you live with nearly 250 other students, and there are constant events that encourage mingling. There’s a range to suit everyone; pub crawls, movie and quiz nights, themed dinners, and even an annual event where we open our minds

and discuss global issues; how intellectual, eh? Meals are provided during the week, and gardening, maintenance, and cleaning of communal areas are done for us; when it comes to Adelaide living arrangements, we got a pretty sweet deal.

J: And if it’s a quieter, more independent accommodation experience you’re after, the Deidre Jordan Village is right next door, and still only a five-minute walk from campus. Laid out in units sized 2-person to 6-person, the Village is non-catered and not quite so centred on social events, making it ideal for students who wish to focus on their studies, and/or students who feel that it is time to “retire” from Uni Hall. That’s certainly how I feel; after three albeit fantastic years at the Hall, there is just something about cooking my own meals which warms my soul.

Tip #2: Always be aware of when your last bus leaves for the day.

Tip #3: Know where city parking is available before you start driving.

Tip #4: Give yourself a ten-minute window before and after your bus’s estimated arrival time. Those things operate on their own temporal plane.

Tip #5: Consider on-campus accommodation before any other. Flinders Living is well worth it.

Tip #6: Take advantage of every opportunity to meet new people, both on campus and off. Your uni family is here; it’s just a matter of finding them.

Beginning uni is a scary enough thing, without the added homesickness and generally overwhelming stress of moving away from your family. Eleanor and I are both intimately familiar with this feeling, and trust us—Flinders Living is the best foster family on offer.

AUTHOR Jess Miller, 21, Creative Arts (Honours) What was it Shakespeare said? He basically said something about how there are more things there than there are actual things that you can see with your eyes. ...That’s not the exact quote.” --Jeremy, Peep Show

Our key tips, in summary...

AUTHOR Eleanor Danenberg, 19, Arts ‘She wishes she wasn’t addicted to “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here”, but she is’

Tip #1: Google Maps is your friend.

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Bedford Campus Map

This was the plaza

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Important Buildings Administration Areas 21 22 23 24 25 28 48

Sports Centre/Gym Student Centre Registry Building Yunggorendi Mande International Office Cashiers & ISSU Flinders University Student Association (FUSA)

North Ridge 26 Humanities Courtyard 27 Central Library 29 Drama Centre 30 Function Centre 31 Humanities 32 Social Sciences North 33 Pendopo 34 Social Sciences South 35 Law and Commerce 36 Education

COFFEE Coffee can be the life blood of many a stressed uni student, and there are a number of locations on campus where you can refuel. If you’re not a coffee drinker, don’t despair! Tea, juice, soft drinks and a variety of food options are also a-plenty in these spaces!

BIKE RACKS

South Ridge 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 52

Biological Sciences South 1 & 2 Anchor Court Physical Sciences Physical Sciences Workshop Earth Sciences Empire Times (Room 345!)

Information Science & Tech Engineering SILC

KITCHENS

There are plenty of places to stash your bike around campus just outside of buildings.

A much needed facility for the cheap brought-your-own-lunch student in all of us.

North Ridge

Most kitchens are equipped with kettles (or water boilers), microwaves, and if you’re lucky, one of the elusive sandwich-presses that FUSA provides for student use!

Cafés are spread across Bedford Campus, and can be found in the following locations:

Outside the Registry Building (23) Outside the Drama Centre (29) Between Humanities and Social Sciences North Outside the Gym (21)

North Ridge

South Ridge

Verified kitchen locations are:

One Byte Cafe - The Library (27) Wholefoods - Next to the Plaza Coffee Cart - Law and Commerce (35) The food trucks - Humanities (31)

Outside the Engineering Building (lakeside) Between SILC & IS&T (south-side)

* IS&T, Level 1, to the left of the elevators, between the foyer and the Tele Theatre.

(46)

South Ridge

Biological Sciences has a bike-storage area with swipe-card access. Visit the Parking Office for the required forms to apply for access to this area.

McHughs - Just above Carpark 9 Silc Cafe - SILC (52 on the map)

TABLES Tables are at a premium since the Plaza and Refectory area are currently under construction.

We have been informed that more tables will become available this year as a part of “Flinders Laneway”, which will be situated just outside the Drama Centre.

In the meantime, head over to the Library, or Law and Commerce for table space.

Storage Lockers

BATHROOMS

Kitchens are available in most buildings, it’s just a matter of finding them.

* Law and Commerce, one flight down from the ground-level.

CAR PARKING

Most buildings contain bathrooms, but if it’s out-of-hours, and you don’t have swipe-card access, here are some that might be open:

I’m just going to be really frank here: parking is really fucking shit at the start of each semester. You pretty much have three options here:

Humanities - Between the library and Humanities courtyard.

1. Get to campus early. EARLY. Like 8am 2. Find an alternative method of transport. Jenn recommends a bicycle!

3. Suffer it out until Census date, when people begin dropping off like flies.

Law and Commerce - The north-east corner and south-west corners both have bathrooms.

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Beginnings are always messy John Galsworthy

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Pocket Change Adelaide Adelaide Central Markets Yes, you are likely to buy something here, but you can also taste a sample of $90/kg Brie imported from France for FREE! This place is how food shopping should be and we all need to eat. I like to go at about 11:30 on a Saturday morning when the stall-holders begin to drop their prices and I can pick up fresh flowers at half price.

Details: www.adelaidecentralmarket.com.au

Bicycle Riding Unlike cities such as Venezuela or Venice, navigating through our city centre is idiotproof. It is laid out in a grid, which means that if you get lost, you just need to keep turning left and you will be back to where you started.

The city is also flat, with plenty of bike lanes, which is nice for leisurely cycling. Adelaide Free Bikes are FREE to hire during opening hours from of any of the 19 hire locations in Adelaide City, 2 locations in Unley, and 5 locations in Charles Sturt.

Details: www.bikesa.asn.au/AdelaideFreeBikes

ANZAC Day 25th April Now in its 100th year, ANZAC Day has become a day of national unity to remember the fallen men and women who have helped define both nations from the first landing at Gallipoli to present day peace-keeping operations.

Following the service, head down to Waymouth Street for the best party in town as the Union Hotel sprawls out into the street.

Tables, drinks, and food vendors are available while swing dancers in their 1940’s finery dance to the live big band.

Details: Check details closer to the date with the RSL South Australian Branch.

Beaches

Our beaches are not necessarily on the map as Australia’s best, but they are pretty damn good!

Jetty Road at Brighton and the Seacliff Beach Hotel are nice spots for a coffee or a cleansing ale. Further south, Port Noarlunga has a small reef off the end of the jetty for snorkelling, and Port Willunga has caves that were once carved out by fishermen to store their boats and nets in the cliffs, but now provide bathers with shelter from the sun.

The tired commentary that Adelaide is a just big country town grates on me. Get over it! She has grown up to be a discerning, melodious and unpredictable sort of city - the ‘citification’ of a woman I hope that one day my sons are lucky enough to bring home.

She entertains with panache and knows how to throw a party, many of which are almost upon us.

Start saving your pennies for the Womad Music Festival, the Fringe and Adelaide Festivals, the Adelaide Writer’s Week and some car race that tears through the centre of town. Yet, when people recover from these, one of the most common complaints directed towards our fair city is that (unless you earn a University Vice Chancellor’s pay check) there’s not much to do. Oh my sweet underestimated Adelaide; there are plenty of wonderful and cheap things for a student on a tight budget to experience.

Adelaide Treasury Tunnels Closer to home, if you have classes at the Victoria Square Campus take a skip across the road to the old treasury building which now operates as a hotel. You can enjoy a drink in the courtyard or take a look in the far right hand corner for the stairs that will lead to some of the excavated underground tunnels that criss-cross the city. There is the occasional art exhibition on display and rumour has it The Beatles used the tunnels to escape the crowds in 1964.

Roller Derby

Two teams of demolition women hurtle around an oval track, throwing their weight, and sometimes their elbows, around in this colourful, high-octane tour-de-violence. Come for the skating, stay for one hell of a party complete with great pun-based nicknames including “Minx de la Rinx” and “Bride of Skatan”! Catch a bout at Wayville Pavilion at the Adelaide Showground.

Details: www.adelaiderollerderby.com.au/

Location: Adina Apartment Hotel corner Flinders Street & King William Road, Adelaide.

Semaphore Workers Club

Struggles on the waterfront by large numbers of workers may not be a reality in Adelaide any longer, but we live with the legacy of those days. The Semaphore Workers Club is a gem that was shown to me by a fellow student (thanks Bill), and as well as having some incredible décor, the club hosts great live music including both local and national acts.

So, if you resemble the Flinders University VC in that you are new to town or just new to campus – Welcome.

However, if you differ from him salary-wise don’t despair; big bucks are not necessary to discover the treasures our beautiful city has to offer.

Details: 93 Esplanade Semaphore. Phone (08) 8449 9110.

AUTHOR Jo Schofield, 40sih, Arts (Hons) Jo’s advice to first year students is that FLO is NOT Facebook!

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The ET Guide TO:

BEING REALLY FUCKING BROKE WITH

Information about services you can access within the Flinders University network and a heads-up on what to expect from these services so that you aren’t going in blind.

If you are…

If you are…

Struggling to pay a bill

Not going to have enough money for food

Flinders University Student Association (FUSA) has a financial counsellor in-house who is free, accessible and very friendly. Her name is Helen Laity and you can book an appointment with her by phone on 8201 2371, via email at student.assist@ flinders.edu.au or in person at the FUSA office.

FUSA has an Emergency Financial Aid service that the financial counsellor can organize for you: you just have to go in and ask for it. Some of the things they can help with include food vouchers and food parcels, but they also have other tools to help you out in a squeeze. Don’t go hungry: these packages exist because it’s really easy to get into a situation where you have a few dollars left in your bank account and it’s just not going to buy dinner. I’ve been there; you shouldn’t have to. You can even access EFA without an appointment if things are desperate, and Helen will follow up with you later to see how else she can help your situation. No one is judging you, and this is paid for out of the SSAF you pay every semester. Please go see them.

Many creditors including large companies, debt collectors and other organisations have “financial hardship” clauses that are accessible through a financial counsellor, who can deal with these organisations on your behalf and help provide a realistic return to being debt free.

You should make an appointment as soon as you get the bill. Most students wait until they are deep in trouble before accessing help, but the sooner you make the appointment, the easier it will be to solve the problem. So if you have a bill lying around the house that you don’t know how to pay, go book an appointment now.

If you’re having an ongoing difficulty in making ends meet and are accessing EFA very frequently, Helen may ask you to come in for financial counselling.

This could mean drawing up a budget, providing you with additional services, or recommending different grant options to help solve the ongoing root cause, rather than just fixing those panic moments. This frees up your brain space to worry about things like your grades, or that cute boy/girl you see at the library.

What else does a

If you are…

financial counsellor do?

Wondering what grants are available FUSA facilitates two basic grants on top of their other services. These are the Interest Free Loans, and the Second Semester Grants.

Interest Free Loans can be applied for through FUSA, and require an interview with the financial counsellor. These loans are available for up to $500, so the interview is used to determine if this is the best option for you, or if a different loan, grant, or tool would help you out more. Community-loans may also be accessible which are for different amounts, with different repayment periods, and may be suitable for larger, more long-term purchases.

Helen has contacts within the community and university sectors and can provide you with information on your best course of action.

Second Semester Grants are for students in their second year or above (unit-wise, not time-wise) and are for students in severe financial hardship, to enable them to continue enrolling in university.

Grants are up to $500, and do not need to be repaid. In order to be eligible, you have to demonstrate that you’re ineligible for other grant and loan options, so it’s really a last-resort kind of deal. The best first step is to discuss your situation with Helen to either get help with your application, or to find an alternative option to the grants.

Helen can help you out with: •

Having enough food to eat this week

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Working out which Centrelink or concessions you are eligible for

•

Apply for loans and grants

•

Making a budget, and teaching you how they work

•

Organising your finances

•

Understanding bankruptcy and what it actually means

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Understanding debt recovery

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References to other services including support services, counselling and legal aid

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Negotiation with creditors and debt collectors including: banks, utilities (phone, gas, electricity, internet), house eviction, uninsured car accidents, taxation debts, unpaid fines, and more

How to contact Helen: In Person: Student Assist (FUSA) Through email: student.assist@flinders.edu.au Via the phone: 8201 2371

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How to Make Friends at Uni YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE FOREVER ALONE. PAUL’S GOT SOME TIPS TO HELP YOU OUT.

“I’ve just started Uni and know absolutely nobody!”

Hey! Don’t worry; we were all like you once and there are literally thousands of people in the exact same position as you right now. Now is the time to ditch your old friends and find some newer, better friends! (Unless your friends are already awesome, in which case you can keep them and also get new uni friends!)

“So… how do I make friends?”

It’s been a while, huh? Well first thing first – talk to people! It seems almost idiotic to put that on paper, but during O’Week nobody knows anyone and everyone is dying to make new friends. It’s as easy as introducing yourself and asking your new victimfriend what they are studying!

“Whoa, I can’t just walk up to someone and chat to them!”

Alright, no worries. But you have tutorials and lectures yeah? That’s totally the best place to meet people to begin with. Go in head-first and chat to the person sitting either side of you in every one of your first tutorials and lectures.

“Nah, that’s too scary – I’m at risk of someone realising I’m just a huge geek” Well did you know that I’m a huge geek too?! If it’s too scary to just talk to someone, there’s an even better way to meet people at Uni. Enter the world of clubs and societies – places where like-minded people meet to do awesome stuff together! There is truly a plethora of clubs on campus and most of them have events every other week. I’m personally into gaming – video and tabletop, so at the first opportunity I went and joined the gaming club (FUDGE) and the tabletop club (FUTURE).

I have made an absolutely insane amount of friends from each club and I’m sure you will too. Most of the clubs will have stalls in O’Week and want you to come up and chat to them! Can’t find what you’re looking for during O’Week? Then you can check www.fusa.edu.au or come

in and see the friendly staff at FUSA who will be able to help you out. If they can’t find the club you’re looking for, they can help you start it!

“Actually, I’m really into sport, like playing it and stuff” Hey, yeah, we have plenty of sports clubs and we even participate in the Uni Games every year in a bunch of different sports! Whether it’s cricket, netball, soccer or Frisbee - there is a sports club for you! Just like the social clubs, they should all have stalls during O’Week, but if you can’t find them go have a chat to the folks from FlindersOne fitness in the gym, and they’ll get you sorted out.

“But I’m boring, and I don’t have any hobbies or interests outside of my study!”

Well, fear not! There are academic clubs too, and what’s better than meeting people studying the same thing as you are?! While your deepest darkest secrets might not be safe from your future professions with these friends, they will be able to help you through the hardest of assignments and the worst of exams.

“I’m too lazy to go to any classes, talk to people or join a club.”

Let me introduce you to a little place I like to call the bar. If you’re thinking, ‘Flinders has a bar?’ I wouldn’t blame you because at the moment it’s hidden away at McHugh’s (see map, page 26). Should you manage to find it, however, you may also find a bunch of students and staff drinking to forget all about Flinders, assignments and exams. Once there, get yourself a drink, find the friendliest person and get chatting!

“I’ve tried all of that and still nobody likes me!”

First of all, I don’t believe you. But if you really have, just come find me on campus – I’m always happy to make new friends!

AUTHOR Paul Harrison, 23

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Feature

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The Fall of Johnny Depp THE LATEST MISSTEP IN DEPP’S ONCE ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER

In November of last year, Johnny Depp presented an award at the Hollywood Film Awards. It seems simple enough, except it was far from that straightforward.

What followed was two minutes of rambling during which Depp quipped, “That’s the weirdest microphone I’ve ever seen in my life,” and which only ended when the censors, tired with bleeping his expletives, cut him off. Some lauded Depp, maintaining that his behaviour can be excused because he’s a legend. Many insisted that because he gets so shy in public he must’ve been in character, like some impersonation of Jack Sparrow.

Others were just downright confused. If I’m honest, I found it a bit sad.

Principally, it seemed like just the latest fiasco in what was once one of the most remarkable careers Hollywood has ever seen. This is where we come back to Jack Sparrow; it was in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise that Depp burst into blockbuster cinema and cemented his reputation as a character actor. The success of the films was remarkable, unexpected, and largely attributed to Depp’s off kilter Sparrow, who is widely recognised as one of the most iconic film characters of the 2000s decade.

The title of ‘once-in-a-generation character,’ sadly seems to have been confirmed by Depp’s following work.

Film after film, he continues to try to make blockbuster smashes with characters that are strange, peculiar, and flawed. Whilst admirable, instead of succeeding, it’s just seen him go tumbling down the rabbit hole into career oblivion. This realisation was thrown into sharp relief by the fact that this year marks the 25th anniversary of one of Depp’s most universally acclaimed and enduring roles; Edward Scissorhands.

Depp has insisted that his recent career downturn is

of little concern; he’s simply being more selective in the roles that he accepts. Whilst this is a refreshing approach to the Hollywood machine, I wish his selection criteria were stricter. Depp is a brilliant character actor, and when given the right material he is phenomenal, as we have seen when he played Sweeney Todd. When the material isn’t quite right, we end up with Dark Shadows, which seemed almost to make a mockery of his oddball, outcast characters.

His personal life also reeks of mid-life crises and just seems to highlight the desperation of some of his career choices. This is further emphasised by the fact that he no longer seems to relish being a Hollywood circuit outcast. By living in Los Angeles and chasing blockbusters, he’s embracing the world he once hid from. Perhaps this is why he has lost that strange charm that made his iconic roles so successful.

The only positive aspect of the Hollywood Film Awards debacle was that Rob Lowe deemed it inappropriate, stating, “I find the whole unprepared, ‘I don’t give a shit’, possibly wasted artist persona really, really unexciting.”

The only thing I find less stimulating than an incoherent Johnny Depp on a downward trajectory is Rob Lowe thinking his opinion matters to anyone. But the latter is actually amusing.

AUTHOR Georgia Riessen, 19, Bachelor of Arts Don’t drink before an exam or you might have to pee halfway through!

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ET Archive: June 1989

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37

Packet Popper

Bethany Lawrence

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Fiction

There weren’t many life-changing mistakes you could make as a ten year old. I made seventeen of them.

I had been left unattended at the doctor’s surgery for twenty minutes, or an hour in kid time. As I hauled myself up on the deserted reception counter and extended a hand into the bowl of brightly coloured wrapped candy, I had no idea that my life was going to change forever. The plastic bowl with its inviting samples was an omen of a new beginning: the start of a truly grave mistake.

I managed to claw my hands into the bowl, while hanging off the seat. I knew I had to be stealthy about it, as my mother could be back from her appointment at any minute.

Excitedly, I grabbed my first piece of hard-earned candy, choosing a strawberry coloured packet. I stopped suddenly to try to recognise the brand, but it seemed unfamiliar. It was far more flat and possibly slimy than any I’d ever eaten.

I was impressed. Clearly, doctor’s waiting rooms were beginning to recognise the importance of candy quality.

We were moving up to something more revolutionary than mints and lollipops. I ripped open the packet, with perhaps a little more force than needed, and the candy flew from its packaging and landed in my lap. I quickly grabbed it from my trousers, and began to inspect my tasty treat.

Such disappointment!

I held between my fingers not the delicious sweet I had been hoping to devour, but a strange rubber toy instead.

It hung very unattractively, and was wet to the touch. It looked to me like someone had tried to make wet socks out of surgical gloves, and then stuffed them into little lolly wrappers.

Disgruntled, I shifted the whole bowl down with me and carried it to the waiting area. Putting the bowl in my lap, I started to sift through the packets. There had to be something, anything, other than these strange wet lifeless hoses. Even a boiled barley sugar or a musk stick would have settled me. I had worked so hard to heave myself onto that desk that now it hadn’t become a gift but a right. To my dismay, the whole bowl contained nothing but those little slimy packets. I put the bowl on the seat next to me, heaved out a great sigh and slid down my seat as far as I could go. It

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just wasn’t fair! Why would they get a child’s hopes up like that? They make me sit in this boring waiting for hours with nothing to do, tempted only by fake sweets. I would not bear this indignity any longer.

I had a sudden epiphany, and decided to check whether they had any information about why the candy had been replaced on the pin board. After all, it only seemed right for the waiting staff to explain themselves as to why they had swapped them. Studying the many flyers and brochures tacked to the board’s surface, I couldn’t see one explaining the invasion of these circular slimy disks and what they were for. Just a load of flyers with a woman holding a bump in her stomach and smiling peacefully, and another few of a woman holding a baby against her stomach and smiling painfully.

Agitated, I grabbed a spare pin poking out the board, and took it to my seat. I started to poke it in everything in protest- the old mouldy seats, the grown-up magazines that were fanned out on the table, every pair of eyes belonging to the models in the brochure that my mother had been reading- it became somewhat addictive. I then decided as a final review of their samples- I would poke holes in every single packet of that dreaded free sock. I tended to mix it up each time, with one hole on some, twenty in the other, and made sure I was making a significant amount of puncture wounds. I placed each one back in the bowl as I did, grinning wildly at how devilish my behaviour was.

My mother arrived just as I was placing the bowl back, and she noticed me gripping the edges as I tried desperately to heave it back onto the counter.

“Honey, you don’t want those,” she fretted while pulling the bowl from my view, “they aren’t candy. They’re for grownups.”

For a few months, my afternoon of mischief was completely wiped from my mind. I came from a very small country town, so for some time I thought I may have been in trouble. When my mother returned the following week the receptionist present gave me her usual warm beaming smile.

It seemed to me that the pin-poking incident had either been forgotten or never discovered. Later that year, our

39

small class began our first classes on sex education.

“This” said Mr Starchez, holding out a wet rubber sock, “is a condom, boys.”

Suddenly, it hit me. I knew where I had seen that rubber sock before. But just to be sure, I shot up my hand.

“What does the packet look like?”

I asked, to the chorus of giggles around me. Mr Starchez held it up- a little blue packet, between two fingers. It was undeniable. I had been playing with condoms in the doctor’s office. Part of me was relieved I knew what they were, the other terrified that someone had seen me playing with them.

“You can usually get them for free as samples often in health clinics, but always check the use-by date,” Mr Starchez continued, “if a condom has just one hole or tear, it can be useless and can result in a pregnancy.”

The world seemed to swell and slow at that very minute as I realised what I had done. This was to be the start of one very messy mistake.

Seventeen babies were born later that year as a result of my mishap. I knew this because I had to become a keen listener to my mother’s gossip to track my mistakes.

I jotted down every single Mrs Jones or Mrs Piper who had accidentally ‘gotten up the duff.’

The feeling of guilt and responsibility was enormous, and although I knew I was far too young and still a little confused on how to actually do the ‘dirty stuff’, I felt in some strange way that these babies were my responsibility. They had all come into the world as a result of my, unwitting as they may have been, actions.

I met as many of the babies as I could, mainly at the park. I never let my mother on to what my new-found responsibility, so I had to beg to be taken to the park almost every day in hopes of seeing the mistakes I had made. By the start of the New Year, I had met half of the infants born due to my packet-popping. Other mothers began to idolise me as they crooned to my mother about how keenly interested a boy my age was in the world of motherhood.

As I grew up, the guilt never evaded me. During the next five years, more than half of the fathers left the seventeen children I had helped bring into the world.

One had broken her leg jumping off a swing-set.

Another child had swallowed a penny. One had been discovered to be deaf. All these events, I had tried to be in their lives for, even if I was sitting on the slide some distance away.

As a fifteen year old I decided to volunteer at the only day-care in our town and got to actually look after each child that had been my mistake. It was extremely difficult work as the day-care staff had commented

that they had never seen such a spike in children for our town- and that it was beginning to become overwhelming. The children I considered partly mine were handfuls, and there was many a time I got spat on, cried on, vomited on, hit, and kicked. Despite all the trouble that seventeen terrible two-year-olds could give, I knew I had to look after them.

By the time I turned twenty, I knew all of the kids on a personal level. The town was so small that it wasn’t unusual to see them once or twice a week each riding through the country roads on their bikes. The town itself praised my efforts, saying I was going to become a revolutionary teacher one day. I still hadn’t told the truth; how could I, after all this time?

I tutored some of the kids in maths and English, as we only had one school and no extended help for subjects in our area. My mother was bursting with pride with my efforts, unaware of the real reason behind them. She pushed me to do an education course, and soon I was enrolled and earning pocket money teaching classes to my mistakes from so many years ago.

I graduated at the age of twenty-five, was pounced on and became immediately placed in my town’s school. Today, I stand by my desk- staring out at the familiar flock of fifteen-year-olds, all of them snickering sarcastically amongst themselves and throwing erasers and bits of paper. They’ve gotten to the age that my parental guidance isn’t considered cool anymore, and

my biggest fear is that they won’t listen to me for this particular lesson.

I’m tired and worn out, my lifelong task almost completed.

If I can just get them to learn this one simple task, I will finally be able to move on. Taking boxes of condoms from my desk, I start to scatter them over the desks of my pupils, listening to the squeals and uproarious laughter when they grab them and start to investigate, rubbing the plastic around in its lubricated packet. If I’m lucky, these kids wont think they are candy and attempt to ingest them.

I head to the front of the class, standing below the ‘SEX EDUCATION’ banner written boldly on the board. I hold out a foil packet.

“A simple little prick,” I say briskly, addressing my first and last mistakes “can ruin everything.”

AUTHOR Bethany Lawrence, 20, Arts (Creative Writing) Comb your course rule books the moment they enter your hot sweaty hands, and write down every single assessment piece you have, even oral presentations and readings. List it in order of when its due, regardless of subject, and keep it somewhere visible like the wall near your bed. It has saved my ass on many an occasion.

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Complete the crossword and send a picture of your answers to stephanie.walker@flinders.edu.au and WIN one of ten free double passes to Palace Nova!

Across 7. Two girls, lost after high school, help an eccentric older man find love. (2 Words) 8. An offbeat tale of suburban love and plastic bags. (2 Words) 9. A young Russian immigrant makes his way in a new country. (3 Words) 10. An orphaned boy takes to a life of crime to make ends meet.

(2 Words) 12. Feel-good tale of game shows and gangsters. (2 Words) 13. Helps his kids learn about prejudice in this tale of southern justice. (2 Words) 14. A teenage boy overcomes his fatalism and learns the art of ...

(2 Words) 15. Steals the show as a demanding magazine editor. (2 Words) 21. A young lion does lion stuff and overcomes his evil lion uncle in this lion movie (3 Words) 22. A young man has an existential crisis in this rotoscoped trip to dreamland. (2 Words) 23. Cringeworthy live action adaptation of a story of elemental magicians. (2 Words) 24. An aspiring writer apprentices to a crotchety author and works at an adult book store. (2 Words) 25. A group of friends save their home from foreclosure. (2 Words) 26. This Christopher starves to death in the Alaskan wilderness.

Down 1. Two suburban teenagers get in over their heads in East LA gang culture.

2. This auburn-haired heroine saves her family from a witches curse.

3. A young boy gets thrown in at the deep end of rock journalism.

(2 Words) 4. This school is the setting or one of the seminal teenage stoner flicks. (2 Words) 5. High school football player rebels against his coach’s drug ban.

(2 Words) 6. Five teenagers discover that they are not beautiful and unique snowflakes. (3 Words) 11. Four girls get more than they bargained for on a trip to Florida.

(2 Words) 13. This youthful gang leader undergoes a radical treatment to curb his criminal impulses. (2 Words) 16. A group of friends take a journey to see a dead body. (3 Words) 17. Doesn’t know he’s dead in this twisty thriller. (2 Words) 18. A young man with a particular talent makes it big at the end of the golden age of porn. (2 Words) 19. One girl’s tale of the trials and tribulations of being rich and white in Beverly Hills.

20. Stars in this drama about the 1960s mental health system. (2 Words)

Free Stuff at the Fringe

Art, Design and Photography Exhibitions Even when it isn’t Mad March, exhibitions are the perfect solution to appreciation of the arts on a tight budget. The Adelaide Fringe does, of course, bring a little more excitement to the experience. Firstly, the galleries are fuller—both of spectators and the art itself. The themes are quirkier.

The concepts are more intriguing. The explanations are more bizarre.

Enjoy the buzzing vibe of Adelaide in its festival season with a ‘culture crawl’ from a family friendly origami workshop (1000 Cups of Cranes Exhibition); to portraits inspired by ‘sext’ messages (DIMensions of a Sext); to a live display of body art in the form of tattoos, henna and projected imagery (The Body Canvas). Whatever your interests, you’ll find them in the program. Take a risk and try something new—even if it doesn’t pay off, your dinner party conversations will be riveting.

Markets and Street Festivals For an eclectic combination of artisan stalls, mobile food, music, street performers and other activities, markets are the way to go. The Adelaide Night Markets is the perfect way to spend a lazy Sunday or a great place to hang out before or after seeing a show. Leave the city and hit up creative communities around the city and

the state, such as Campbelltown, Port Adelaide, Henley Beach or Goolwa. If you have kids, they will love the festival vibe and activities. Plus, you can avoid city parking. Win, win!

Shows, Concerts and Other Tasters Sample some of the best that the Fringe has to offer at free concerts in the Garden or pop down the road for Spirit Festival, South Australia’s premier Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander arts and culture festival. Both offer a variety of acts, including comedy, cabaret, circus, and music. A few hotels and pubs are also offering free shows: check out Hotel Richmond for some burlesque or Mybar Hilton Hotel for a collection of comedy.

You will find street performers in every corner of the city. To plan ahead, seek out the times and places listed in the program under the Fringe Street Theatre Festival.

For events in the suburbs, you can watch the state finals of a clowning competition at Marryatville High School or an open mic event at Glenelg. Maybe you’ll even witness the next big comedian?

AUTHOR Sarah Gates, 21, Law and Legal Practice/Arts Make friends, get involved in social events and activities, and don’t be afraid to reach out or take chances

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In the summer of 1995, at the age of 26 and with no hiking experience, Cheryl Strayed decided to solo hike 1770 kilometres of the Pacific Crest Trail. Seventeen years later in her autobiography Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, she recounted this journey and how it was a means of recovering from the journey of life’s most difficult impasses and darkest ebbs. The death of her mother when Strayed was 22 led to the breakdown of her family, her benign foray into heroin and the dissolution of her marriage. It was following this period that Strayed saw a hiking book on the Pacific Crest Trail, and decided she would “walk herself back to the woman her mother thought she was.”

Considering that Strayed undertook this voyage with no experience and limited funds, I wondered whether this was supposed to be more of a punitive penance than redemption from the abyss. It seems that perhaps the total of Strayed’s life failures was one ill thought out plan after another.

It was only due to outside help on multiple occasions that saved Strayed from the fate of Christopher McCandless, whose story was told in the book Into the Wild, and subsequent film adaptation. But due to the kindness of strangers and her incredibly empathetic loved ones, Strayed’s journey was only a near tragic demise and so retained some glossy shine and redemptive sparkle. Both Strayed and McCandless’ real life journeys both took place in 1990’s America, as each post-college 20-year-old went back into nature with little money to recover from the accumulative pains of their lives. However, McCandless’s trip was more out of his contempt for society and a complete rejection of the horrors that come with it. Strayed, who flunked college one paper short of a degree, took her trip as a means to recover from the rigorous horrors that come with modern life and society.

But, it is from the severities of modern society that Strayed’s story becomes a powerful search for humanity as well as a relevant exploration of femininity at its most honest and in all its gradations. One of the thirteen books she took with her was Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita; she also packed a roll of condoms and had more than one casual sexual encounter while on the trail. Strayed estimates her number of sexual partners to be “around 30,” and celebrates female sexuality at its most promiscuous “I think it’s a great idea for various points in your life.”

In the novel, she also gives a very detailed description of masturbating in a hostel at the end of her journey.

Review -

A Wild Journey An overview of Cheryl Strayed’s journey on the Pacific Crest Trail as well as her deeply honest reflections on female sexuality and how it rebels against modern societal expectations

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Review

Seeing a woman who has not only embraced her sexuality but is proud of it is empowering.

In the film, when Strayed comes across a fellow male hiker who is fully nude, and very fit, emerging from a river, the chance to highlight the often overlooked female sexual gaze is not missed. Another example of a taboo sexual act that is not treated with delicate trepidation is in a graphic flashback to one of Strayed’s sexual encounters, when the man she’s with flips her rather unceremoniously with the Fosbury Flop Opposite.

Despite labelling herself as a ‘slut’ during this period, Strayed is also a fulfilled owner of her sexuality who recognises that doing so is a huge part of female emancipation from this male dominated society. Another is shoes; “I honestly think the real liberation of women is profoundly connected to the shoes we wear, until we as a gender refuse to wear any shoe that would be uncomfortable to walk a mile in, we’re perfectly screwed.” At its most pertinent, Wild can be viewed as a big step in this societal push for women to reclaim their bodies from men, religion, and other external pressures.

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know where I was going until I got there.” By the end of her journey she had grown into a woman who while haunted, is able to not let her past define her and instead make her a stronger person. Ultimately, Wild is a search for humanity, and the discovery of it through the realisation that no one is perfect. The best we can do is know our flaws and work on them, and barring that, try our best in spite of them; “Perhaps by now I’d come far enough that I had the guts to be afraid.”

AUTHOR Georgia Riessen, 19, Bachelor of Arts ‘There was nowhere to go but everywhere, so just keep on rolling under the stars.’ - Jack Kerouac

It was also refreshing how in this world of life plans, long term goals and savings by the time Strayed finished the Pacific Crest Trail, she had nothing but 20 cents and a student loan debt to her name. Twenty years later and she’s a New York Times best-selling author and lauded advice columnist with a family of her own. As Strayed has summarised previously, “I didn’t

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Review -

“ I WAS INSTANTLY HOOKED TO THIS NEW SOUND AND HAD TO LISTEN TO THE REST OF THE ALBUM.

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REVIEW BORN OF OSIRIS // THE DISCOVERY

My mother would call it ‘devil music’, my father ‘white noise’, but there’s something about Born of Osiris’s album ‘The Discovery’ that keeps me going back to them time and time again. It was the first truly heavy music I ever listened to, and I hope to maybe convince you to try out the heavier spectrum of music.

Before I first listened to Born of Osiris, I listened to a number of different artists.

System of a Down, Three Days Grace, and MUSE were all bands that had a large amount of play on my iPod. My friends would sometimes show me bands that were heavier and had screamed vocals, but I never really ‘clicked’ with the sound.

Then one day, somewhere in the depths of the Internet, was a link to ‘Follow the Signs’, the first song on ‘The Discovery’.

This song blew my mind, from the ambient keyboard that features near the start of song, to the head-bang inducing heavy guitar parts; to the extremely talented solo that closes the song. I was instantly hooked to this new sound and had to listen to the rest of the album. Luckily, the rest of the album is just as good as the first song.

Based in Illinos USA, Born of Osiris released ‘The Discovery’ in 2011. The album traverses a number of different genres, including, but not limited to: Progressive Metal, Deathcore (a combination of death metal and hardcore) and even Electronica. Drummer Cameron Losch drives the songs forward, with a mixture of double bass, blast beats and tasty fills. Guitarists Lee Mckinney and Jason Richardson share both rhythm and lead duties. Solos on songs ‘Recreate’, and ‘Behold’ show their talents on the guitar, and they bring great riffs that appear on almost every song.

Keyboardist Joe Buras adds another layer to the band’s songs. Some bands use keyboards as a novelty, which makes it stand out and ruin the song. In ‘The Discovery’, however, it feels like it fits naturally and mixes well into the songs.

What sets Born of Osiris apart from other metal bands is the use of electronic intros and outros, such as in the songs ‘Singularity’ and ‘Regenerate’. ‘The Solution’, ‘The Omniscient’ and ‘XIV’ are entirely electronic and give a relaxed vibe.

This allows the ears a break from the

heavy songs that fill out the rest of the album.

One of the stand out songs on the album is ‘Recreate’. The song transitions from a heavy ‘chugging’ sound to featuring melodic solos and lead work, and back again consciously through the song.

‘Recreate’ also features haunting synth and catchy vocal lines, which is rare to see in metal.

This band’s music won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but I hope I’ve shown you what exploring out of your musical comfort zone might bring to you. ‘The Discovery’, as well as being my first truly heavy album I listened to, is also in my top 5 albums of all time.

AUTHOR Anthony Bruno, 18, Computer Science While not playing drums, Anthony is found getting angry at his teammates in League of Legends.

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Reviewed by Jenn Matters

The Net// Movie

Movies with highly visible technology age pretty poorly, and this one ages worst than most. Sandra Bullock plays Angela Bennett, a recluse system analyst whose identity is stolen after a (wait for it) floppy disk is sent to her containing a special “back-door program” to a popular piece of security software.

Bennett must use her leet haxor skills to thwart the cyberterrorists and get back her “life”. Watch this movie to: know what a “floppy disk” is, and what computers used to look like.

Who: Everyone What: Retro Film

Price: $4 on iTunes Rating: 4/5

Nobody // Zine

Reviewed by Jess Nicole

Known for his contributions to The University of Melbourne’s Farrago and popular zine series MOTE, Cameron Baker is a quirky doodler and zinemaker. Nobody, its name derived from an E.E. Cumming’s poem, is a cute, unexpectedly thoughtprovoking collection of illustrations poking fun at life’s shortfalls. Baker introduces the reader to an eccentric mix of everyday observation, political commentary, pop-culture witticism, the peculiarities of human thought, and inside jokes (or maybe I’m just not cool enough to get them). What to expect: common sayings with a twist, a time-line of one billion years, weaponised carrots, and Bruce Wayne’s ears.

Who: Zinesters What: Pocket-Pictures

Rating: 5/5

Review -

Reviewed by Georgia Riessen

On Celebrity Advice...

Consciously unconscious, that’s what I’ve named this bullshit new age way that celebrities impart upon us mere mortals advice on how to live holistically… from their mansions. It launched a few years ago with Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow’s advice website and has now spread like some lobotomising plague throughout other minor celebrities.

The key example of which is the unfortunate offspring of Will Smith, Jayden and Willow. In a rambling interview, amongst other bizarre sound bites they explained that ‘Breathing is meditation, life is meditation.’ God, what I’d give for Mickey Rourke and his no nonsense interviews to make a comeback.

Who: No-one What: Nothing

Price: Your Soul Rating: 1/5

Reviewed by Shaun Hobby Sea to Summit Drylite // Microtowel

Whether you’re a traveller who wants to keep their luggage under control, or a commuter who is trying to keep their daily carry from weighing them down, the Drylite might be the moisture banishing product for you.

The towel folds down and fits into a mesh bag about the size of a paperback novel. It weighs next to nothing, and it is also super soft and flexible. You won’t notice it is there until you need it, but you’ll be glad you had it on hand. It dries super fast and hangs from its own press-stud fastened nylon loop.

Who: Wet People What: A Towel

Price: ~$30 Rating: 5/5

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Review -

Summer Lovin’

“ ANOTHER FLINDERS GRADUATE WAS THERE, SELLING MARRIAGE WORKSHOPS AT $990 PER COUPLE— TAKE NOTE PSYCHOLOGY STUDENTS.

“

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Okay, I admit when I saw the ad on television I thought it would be a bit of a giggle to go along to a bridal expo.

I have never really been into the whole ‘marriage’ thing and at 22 thoughtlessly married my boyfriend for a visa to England and then found myself trapped in a real live marriage.

So yes, my attitude was perhaps a little coloured. Fourteen years after my divorce I am engaged to a lovely man but I am not willing to actually get legally married again. Would this expo change my mind and sell me on the romance of it all? Their theme was ‘Summer Love’ and ‘Best Day Ever.’

Would I believe them and succumb?

Would it be the beginning of my becoming a bride? I took my fiancé along to see.

The people we encountered as we went in were lovely and sincere; the first few stallholders really seemed to feel that they were offering valuable services that would make your special day even more special. They were so genuine with their good wishes that it made me feel a bit embarrassed.

I felt a bit like a fraud for not being into it. On top of that, I was casting the critical eye of a reviewer over the whole expo. Although of course they are ultimately selling something, these people believe in the fact that this day is meant to be truly special and magical, for the bride.

I am not sure how anyone felt about grooms; to be honest there weren’t many there. Despite the free entry for grooms, I saw a total of three, all with

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their arms folded. There was nothing there for the men to do, as even the place hawking suits gave the flyer to the bride. One stall was giving out the most delicious cake from Heidelberg Cakes but only to brides, so I had to share my piece of yummy chocolate mud cake. Now that is testing an engagement. With so few grooms there why wouldn’t they be giving them more for turning up? Like a free bar? Or a play area with a pool table?

I loved the technology used at the expo. You register all of your details upon entry on an iPad and then every time you want to give your details to a company you just scan your card. Most stalls had a competition to win free services or, like Direct Diamond Sales, an actual black diamond. Yes, I entered that competition, and a few more. They made it so easy and now my inbox will be full of junk for the next month.

One of my favourite stalls was Silent Dove’s stunning wishing tree that looked like a weeping willow of flowers, pearls and hand written notes. It looked like something out of a fairy story. Its creator, Sarah, explained that she was a dentist who had trained at Flinders but had found that she preferred creating things for weddings to putting chemicals in people’s mouths. Another Flinders graduate was there, selling

Review -

marriage workshops at $990 per couple— take note Psychology students.

There were also many mundane and expected stalls, so many venues, photographers, dance lessons and florists and yet they were all so generic and boring. Very few stalls stood out as interesting and different or even slightly alternative. Arthur Murray Studios are still teaching people to dance and I would expect them to look old fashioned and boring - they have been around for 103 years after all - but what is the excuse of all the others? This is 2015 and was all overwhelmingly white, boring, middle of the road, heteronormative and blah. We were so excited when we saw a photo booth that was actually a VW Combi van because it showed some flair, a sense of humour and fun, unlike the hundreds of other photo booths. There were so many boring, round bouquets of roses, so many traditional photographs, and so many white dresses. I actually got excited when I saw a wedding dress with a black ribbon but that was it for excitement on the frock front.

It was sanitised and suburban. There was no diversity, and if you want to have a slightly interesting event that has some personal flair this is not where you would go to get your ideas. This is where you go if you want the perfectly

organised, princess-for-a-day traditional wedding that goes without a hitch.

The people at this expo know their stuff— they have obviously been doing weddings forever and can probably do it all in their sleep. I found it lacking in romance or personality. It made me feel claustrophobic and hemmed in. It did not ignite a glimmer of desire to be a bride again, if anything it extinguished it under a sea of white ruffles and Swarovski crystal beads.

This was not my ‘best day ever’ and it certainly wasn’t the beginning to planning my own wedding. As we left I quickly looked inside one of the stretch hummers to hear a bride to be exclaim that the inside was “ridiculously awesome”. I would have described it as tacky. Thankfully Wickedly Good Chocolate Fountains was there at the end and I was able to wash away the gaudy, tacky, sameness of everything with delicious Lindt chocolate. Now that’s romance.

AUTHOR Emma Sachsse, 42, Psychology (Hons) “By the time you swear you’re his, Shivering and sighing.

And he vows his passion is, Infinite, undying.

Lady make note of this -One of you is lying.” ― Dorothy Parker

49

What type of student are

Choose one of the following:

YOU?

Have you bought all of your textbooks?

Yes

No

How many pencils are you carrying right now?

2+

Real Housewives

Game of Thrones

Jimmy Fallon

What are you currently wearing?

Comfy Clothes

Smart Dress

Nothing

Favourite ice cream flavour

0

1

After completing this quiz, you plan to...

Eat

Study

Strawberry

Vanilla

Sleep

What do you prefer?

Are you meant to be studying?

No

What are you drinking?

Yes Coffee

3.14

Chocolate

Tea

Beer

Pie

The NERD @ library

The DOODLER @ lecture

THE PROCRASTINATOR @ lake

THE SOCIALITE @ bar

(‘how many books will they let me borrow?’)

(‘hang on, when did the lecture finish?’)

(‘who would study on such a nice day?’)

(‘whose round is it this time?’)

51

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upononce a time...

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