Empire Times 41.6

EMPIRE TIMES

STUDENT MAG. ISSUE 6. VOL 41.

SEX ISSUE

IT'S FREE!1

On the mall every Thursday 9.30am

EDITORIAL

Bom chicka wow wow!

Hey all!

To the sexiest bunch on the block,

*Talks seductively* hello you promiscuous bunch of chappys!

Welcome, welcome to your SEX issue of ET! WOOOOO! And what an issue it is, but first lets take a moment to appreciate the freedom of the press ...........

Appreciation achievement unlocked!

Naughty, naughty, Empire Times! ;) Welcome to our grand spanking sex issue! (What an issue to work on for your second one as new editor, eh?)

Everyone in Adelaide is now well aware that the freezing weather has hit, so now is a better than ever time to start snuggling up! Whack on the electric blanket, strip down to your birthday suits, and get familiar with each other in the name of survival!

Sex is something on everybody’s mind.

If you’re getting it, you’re hanging out for the next sesh. If you’re not, you’re working out when you will and how long it’s been since you’ve done it.

Some of you might think this issue is a bit TMI but I personally relish in finding out as much as I can about everybody’s sexual escapades. I want the deets. I want the gory, shameful and disturbing renditions of people’s love lives. But I’m weird like that.

Why have I got a cake, I don’t hear you ask? Well kind friend, I totes turned 21!!!!! International adulthood come at me, but how have I spent my time as a fully fledged human adult of the world?

Let me tell you. It has been filled with arts and crafts, Masterchef watching/ obsession and early nights! That’s it student body, once you turn 21, you immediately become a retired chappy!

Now as you flip through the pages of the magazine with excitable interest, take a pit stop at “My Expereince as a Sex Worker” (so dandy interesting) “A Letter to My Lover” (cuties) and Mistress M’s coloum (it’s mind blowing)! As well as all of the other pages of course!

Not going to lie, my sex education came from Sex and City, thank Candence Bunshell for the Creation of Sam :’) And so I leave you with this; “The good ones screw you, the bad ones screw you, and the rest don’t know how to screw you.”~Samantha Cheerios, Jade.

I can recall times I’ve spent alone in the winter month lying in bed. There’s usually a pile of used tissues as I hide what I’m watching on the laptop screen.

The lead woman is absolutely soaking wet, crying and calling out her lovers name desperately. She gets coarser and more exhausted as her limits are tested. Nobody who’s ever watched it knows the film for its climax, though.

That is impressive on its own, but it is this scene the film is known for. The lead females breath quickens (as does mine) as she begins to shakily gasp out her lover’s name once more- before moaning and literally shaking her lover as she holds him. Eventually, she lets him go, and he sinks to the ocean floor.

Ugh, Titanic.

Stay warm everyone- Semester two approaches!

Huggins and gentlemanly handshakes, Bethany.

These last few weeks have been a whirlwind of craziness, from wanting to gnaw off my writing hand due to exams to inspecting the worst rental properties Adelaide has to offer. Good news is, I found a place. The bad news, I can’t hang my raunchy anime posters on the wall.

For this issue, I seriously recommend you flip to the Q & A with a woman who works in the sex industry, as well as the science section (if you’ve ever wanted to know about labgrown vaginas or female bugs with penises, it’s all in there).

To leave you with a quote from the Scared Weird Little Guys safe sex song “put some latex on your love gun...put some glad wrap on your kabana.” Also, don’t ask about the duck in the vox pops - do you know how impossible it is to find willing victims during the mid year break?

Hakuna my tatas, Jess

1

OH HELLO there. sex issue

EDITORS: Jade Kelly, Bethany Lawrence & Jess Nicole.

empire.times@flinders.edu.au fb.com/empiretimesmag

Empire Times would like to acknowledge the Kaurna people who are the traditional custodians of the land Flinders University is situated on. We would also like to pay our respects to the elders past and present of the Kaurna nation and extend that respect to other Aboriginal peoples.

EMPIRE TIMES magazine is a publication of Flinders University Student Association.

For advertising information: stephanie.walker@ flinders.edu.au

THANK YOU to Laura Telford, Eleanor Danenberg, Michael Wilson,

Emma Sachsse, Tim Walter, Caitlin Hennessy, Brendan Whittaker, Ruby-Rose Neiman, Jo Schofield the sub-editors J.J Nestor (Features & Poetry/Prose), Shaun Hobby (Film & Crossword), the columnists Laura Telford (Politics), Kaisha Wyld (Feminism), Stef Rozitis (Feminism), Robbie Peschel & Lauris Buckley (Food), Rohan Neagle (Science) the illustratorS Melanie Pal (contents page & pet peeves), Katalin Kiss, Amber Hall, Nathan Rhys Erdely, Rosemary Ellison (back cover) and the cover artist Rafal Banasiak, for making this our sexiest issue yet.

The views expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the views of the editors or FUSA. All work within remains the property of the producers and may not be reproduced without their consent.

Correction: due to production errors, Empire Times would like to apologise for the mispelling of Ami Long and Nathan Erdely’s name in Issue 4. We regret these errors.

Index

Page

Politics

6

#freethenipple

11

Sex Positive or Slut Shaming?

12-13

To All The Bad Doms

14-15

The Science of Sex

16-17

Q & A: Sex Worker

20-23

VOX POP

24-25

Sex Work: My Experience

26-29

Mistress M

30

Food

31

Games

32-33

Zines

34

Poetry/Prose

35

Fiction

36-39

Film

40-42

Music Art

43 46-47

3

Co nt r i b u to r Spotlight

Jess Miller Hey Jess! Let’s get through the boring bitWhat are ya studying, and what do you wanna be when you inevitably grow up?

If you were forced to listen to one song for the rest of your life, which would it be and why?

Hi! I’m in my third year of a Bachelor of Creative Arts, in the Creative Writing stream; hopefully next year I’ll be an Honours student, and then if my GPA holds up I’d absolutely love to do a PhD. My dreams have definitely changed since coming to uni—I used to want to be a novelist and nothing else, but now I aim to one day be an English professor somewhere overseas. I think I love university far too much to ever fully leave.

Definitely The Gardener by The Tallest Man On Earth. It got under my skin a couple of months ago and it still hasn’t left, but I can’t really tell you why—it’s not all that better than, or different to, other acoustic folk songs. It just happens to be the one I’ve latched onto emotionally. It’s perfect.

When did you know you wanted to be a writer?

Oh gosh, since always. There were a few months during high school where I wanted to be a music teacher, but apart from that my entire life has been about books and writing.

I don’t think it’s in me to apply this level of energy to anything else.

What is your ZASP? (Zombie Apocalypse Survival Plan) Whatever Simon Pegg and Nick Frost did in Shaun of the Dead. Deny it for a while, find a cricket bat, find your mates, head for the pub, board the doors, wait for the army to show up. It turned out all right for them in the film. Kind of.

If you were trapped in an arena to fight off something to the death- what would be the worst thing for them to release on you?

In terms of phobias, I think a giant ant would be pretty bad. Ants terrify me when they’re too big or when there’s too many. But the

absolute worst thing would be if F. Scott Fitzgerald or Markus Zusak or any of my favourite writers walked into the arena, read something I’d written and started telling me how terrible it was. They wouldn’t even need to physically fight me. I’d die of humiliation.

Using only 100 words and using the words duck and toaster at least once, write a short excerpt of a romance novel.

The swearwords launch like javelins into her brothers’ ears, the cricket bat dropping on the grass. The men all laugh, it’s out, it’s a duck. Her footsteps tear burning holes across the yard; the door howls, smashing against the inside wall. By the time she’s in the kitchen the toaster’s finished its work and I offer her the scorched bread, the Vegemite. She always softens at this point. Smiles like it’s incredible that I should remember that night, huddled on my couch, when she whispered that she and her Dad used to console themselves with toast when the Sixers lost.

Cosmic Sages With Jose & Bob

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els. like to wear high he d an ll ta 2” 5’ ly on I am any University have so m Why does Flinders stairs?

-Tiny udent, Dear Humanities St e one can sometimes mak Navigating Flinders feel like Sisyphus. ning your question pertai to er sw an t or sh e Th ing versus cost is to feats of engineer a built on the side of is s pu m ca e th e us beca large hill. ation you may find Also, here is an affirm useful: hen it comes to “Size only matters w intellect”.

Can I have a baby yet?

- Clucky Dear babystarved, It’s your life. Unless you’re like ten. Then go on Maury Povich and get that sorted out.

I don’t think my professor likes me. What should I do?

-Anxious Dear Paranoid, Despite what Facebook says we don’t need to be loved by everyone.

But let’s look at the positives of your situation. That your professor even knows who you are is no small achievement.

You now have two options – dazzle them with your brilliant assignments or keep a low profile and just get on with what needs to be done. If you continue to feel the need for unconditional validation get a pet.

5

POLITICS

“Did she minister b woman?!

Kevin Rud improved personal Less pers based? L makeup?

Outrageous Sexism?

Yes? No? Maybe?!?

Last month Former First Lady, Former Secretary of State and potential United States Presidential candidate Hilary Clinton said in an interview that Julia Gillard faced “outrageous sexism” whist in the highest elected office in Australia.

Now while it was true that the criticism surrounding her reign as prime minister

was extraordinary, there is still a resounding level of doubt surrounding whether or not what she experienced was in fact sexism or something else. Outrageous ridicule?

Yes. Outrageous coverage of her wardrobe choices? Yes. Coverage on her partner? Yes. On the fact she was not a mum? Yes. And that her choice made her unfit for office?

Yes. But outrageous sexism? Not sure.

Outrageous (adj). 1. Grossly offensive or extravagant. 2. Being or having the nature of an outrage.

Sexism (n). Discrimination on the basis of sex, especially the oppression of women by men.

So by these standards, if Julia Gillard did experience sexism at the hands of the then

end establishing the National Broadband

Well I hope the Leader of the Opposition

Network

Disability

has got a piece of paper and he is writing

Insurance Scheme. Whether or not you

out his resignation. Because if he wants to

agree or disagree with these policies and

know what misogyny looks like in modern

spending programs, one must give credit

Australia, he doesn’t need a motion in the

where it is due, and Julia Gillard conquered

House of Representatives, he needs a

the feat of first female prime minister paving

mirror. That’s what he needs.” Whether or

the way for future female leaders.

not he took what she said on board, no one

and

the

National

will ever know, but since that fateful day

e not get to be prime because she was a !?! If she had been a dd 2.0 or a new and d Bill Shorten would the attacks been different? sonal and more ‘policy’ Less about clothes and ?”

Opposition and particularly at the hands of Christopher Pyne and Tony Abbott, she would have had to endure gross discrimination on the basis of sex, and by these standards she probably did not. Did she not get to be prime minister because she was a woman?!?! If she had been a Kevin Rudd 2.0 or a new and improved Bill Shorten would the personal attacks been different?

Less personal and more ‘policy’ based? Less about clothes and makeup? Maybe, maybe not, but no other prime minister has been criticised about the colour tie they wore and whether or not the suits they wear cut them wrong…. So maybe yes…

The idea that Julia Gillard experienced more

Tony Abbott has pledged to pass a generous

deliberately personal attacks is without a

paid parental leave scheme and appointed

doubt a fact to most people, but the question

himself Minster for Women.

remains, was this just a new phase for Australian politics, along with Clive Palmer

There seems to be this paradox whereby

twerking and Kevin07’s selfie with Annabel

politics has become increasingly personal

Crabb, or was it a deliberate attempt to

and yet equally distant. It is perfectly

hinder the progression of females in politics

acceptable to wheel out your stunningly

in Australia? Taking a look at any parliament

fabulous daughters who may or may not

in Australia at the state or federal level and

have ‘sex appeal’ but at the same media

one thing is fleetingly obvious – it is overrun

event shut down a very valid conversation

with men.

about marriage equality and a woman’s right to choose. So my question still remains,

In 2011 and 2012 Australia saw a huge shift

how did we get ourselves into a situation

forward in breaking the class ceiling when

where one of the most powerful female

it came to politics, and for the first time we

heavyweights in American politics can even

have a female Governor General Dame

single out a PM for enduring “outrageous

Quentin Bryce AD CVO, a female Prime

sexism” while doing her job? Something in our political dialogue needs to change and

Minister Julia Gillard, a female Speaker,

soon, because whether or not Julia Gillard

Anna Burke, a female Attorney General

did experience outrageous sexism, the

Nicola Roxon and as well as many females

political atmosphere is toxic and navigation

taking large roles in the outer-cabinet, Kate

requires a hazmat suit. s

Ellis as Early Childhood Education Minister, Tanya Plibersek as Minister for Health and

Words by Laura Telford

Jenny Mackin as Family Affairs Minister just to name a few. Perhaps we were spoilt for

Tune into 91.1Tribe FM on Thursday nights

choice and evidence suggest that we are no

from 6-8pm to listen to Laura talk politics!

longer inundated with females in top roles within the government, but why is that? Was

It is no secret that the last Labor reign was plagued with controversies, stuff ups, unstable coalitions with minor parties and independents, but it was also a government –under both Rudd (with Gillard as Deputy PM) and Gillard, a party who stuck to its own ideological base with a focus on Education, developing the Asian century and in the

it just that Julia Gillard suffered immensely for the sisterhood? Her internationally famous misogyny speech suggests it be so.

“The Leader of the Opposition says that people who hold sexist views and who are misogynists are not appropriate for high office.

77

A Letter To My

a letter to my

lover

Words By Annoymous It w a s y o u r w i t t h a t f i r s t e n c h a n t e d m e . A s t i r r i n g of suppressed mirth that found release in my right eyebrow but ran deep through my body like lightning, warming along its path. You were unexpected, but addictive. Each passing day provided further examples of humour, of intellect, of creativity. I’m still stumped at my good fortune in finding you when I did, and I fear that if anyone else had had the slightest inkling of your kindness, or your thoughtfulness, then it would be some other girl’s arms around your waist rather than mine. Thankfully, I am the one who is the beneficiary of your affections; the lucky girl who gets your coffeeflavoured kisses on a Sunday morning. It is I who gets to appreciate your lean physique; tight black jeans, casual shirts. The way your hands move, the way you walk. It is my hand that yours gravitates toward as we traverse the wilderness, the city streets, or the plaza; a soft grip for travelling, a tight grasp when we kiss. Oh, those kisses! I crave those kisses, those soft, sweet kisses that make my body hum and arch into yours. When you wrap an arm around my waist, and cup my face with your hand, and deliver those kisses, I can think of nothing but you. I am hypnotised; drunk on lust, or love, or sweet Oxytocin.

That’s not to say that everything is always effortless; misunderstandings are natural at the beginning of romance. Your two hands were in my lap as we sat across from each other on the bed to talk. You gave

my hand a squeeze for affection and understanding, and I smiled as I felt your thumb circling mine in the stillness. A series of mistakes and misunderstandings had gotten us there, sitting on that bed, talking about the past and the present and the future. I had never felt more heard, nor more understood, nor more appreciated, than when you looked right in my eyes with a look of determination, lifted my hands to your mouth for the softest of kisses, and told me that you thought I was amazing. Simple words, but not simple feelings. Simple words are all I have though, aside from kisses and caresses; the only tools available to me to express the heat that lingers when you leave, or the calmness I feel when our fingers intertwine.

Words are not enough to explain how incredible I think you are, how lucky I feel to be the one who gets to be with you, nor the anticipation I feel at the thought of learning all your tiny quirks, your oddities, your eccentricities and your flaws. I look forward to each new adventure, each morning of mundane routine, each disagreement and each reconciliation. I look forward to learning everything about you, because I’m pretty sure that you’re amazing too.

SEXUAL HEALTH EDUCATION

------------------------------------Where Our School System Is Going Wrong.

The first time I had sex I was completely unprepared. Sure, I had protection, made consent clear, locked my bedroom door so no one would walk in, but I was still unprepared.

You see, I had been expecting a great deal more than what I got.

I expected it would be awkward and clumsy, and being both our first times I also expected it would be fast, but what I didn’t expect was how it didn’t change me. I was the same person before.

I was the same person after. There was no chorus of angels, no congratulations, and no balloons or streamers. It was completely non-life changing, and this left me unsettled.

Going through the Australian education system, where sexual education is neither required nor standardised, I was led to believe that losing my virginity would be a great, momentous occasion, and that forever after you would look at life in a new and more exciting light. All that happened is I became paranoid: a few months after I lost my virginity, I experienced a case of thrush, nothing serious, but I was convinced I had chlamydia and that I would need to adopt children because I had become infertile.

Sexual health education in Australia is a bit of a joke. There are no standards or expectations for a school to meet, and too much is left to parents who may be passing on incorrect information thanks to their own sub-standard education. Teenage pregnancy and STI incidences are on the rise, sexual disorders are more known to both public and professionals, and sexual myths run rife on the internet.

“But columnist,” you may say, “the only sex ed so-and-so had twenty years ago was the night before his wedding when his dad sat him down and had the talk, and there’s nothing wrong with him!

Six kids and counting! They know what they’re doing!” And I say, dear reader, this is from a different time with different expectations.

Times have changed rapidly. Sex is on the telly, in books and movies, magazines and advertisements. We are becoming increasingly exposed to sex and sexuality at younger ages, and kids are asking all the awkward questions you never want to answer sooner than you expected. Sex before marriage is common, even expected, in some ways. It’s become removed from procreation and religion. You don’t even need to be in a relationship to have sex anymore! We’re being told that you have to be the best sex partners or you’ll live alone for the rest of your lives with twenty cats to eat your corpse once you die. I won’t even start on what the commercial porn industry has done to perceptions of sex.

with people being embarrassed whenever the topic of sex comes up. You can laugh with your friends all you want, but you start talking to a stranger, or a group of strangers who are younger than you, and you’ll soon become tongue tied. Then there is the issue of teaching sex ed with LGBTI+ in mind: how do you make sex ed non-heteronormative? The implications of incomplete sex ed can be incredible: impacted self-esteem, unplanned pregnancy, direct and indirect health issues, relationship problems, depression and anxiety, sterility, and even death.

I’m not asking for much here. Just standardised and inclusive sex ed in Australia, which would result in a healthier, better balanced sexually active generation. A little myth busting would be sufficient, but my goal is classrooms across the nation where that part on abortion can’t be skipped because someone isn’t comfortable talking about it, where the classroom is an open dialogue without discrimination, where knowledge is power, and where every sexuality and body is celebrated openly, healthily, equally.

Words By Kaisha Wyld

“

I thought you ended up with a baby every time, which put me off the idea.

”

So why hasn’t sex ed kept up? I would argue it has something to do

9

Sex S E V E E P T E P

...As submitted by YOU!

“When you have to fake an orgasm because you haven't got to that stage in your relationship where you can direct your partner on what moves are best for you.”

“Semen in the eye. That shit burns.”

“When you're having sex 'doggy style' and it's so vigorous you hit your forehead on the wall in front of you.”

"When you're having sex standing up and your partner isn't strong enough to carry your weight and you end up not so graciously sliding down their leg or falling to the ground.”

y.”

“Semen allerg

“No foreplay.” your “The squelchy sound air is vagina makes when trapped in there.” ndoms “Glow in the dark co glows and because only the tip ing. “ that's just disappoint thinks “When your partner a foot screams of pain from close to cramp are you being orgasm.”

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“Having your clitoris to uched like “Unsexy dirty talk where your it's a bloody playstation X button.” partner does a running commening: "You're tary of what you're do “Pubic hair floss.” ow you're going down on me. N you're pushstraddling me. Now “When it's too cold to ha my face. ve sex ing your breasts into naked so you have to we ar a onesie You're kissing my neck. God this is to keep warm.” so wild."

y e having craz “When you'r then your good sex and do “When yo s before you ur partner is completepartner come ly ex pressionless the entire ep.” way and falls asle through sex.”

“No communication.”

s “Tongue in ear. It feel willy.”

like a wet

stand and “Having a one night aturely then your lover prem toys.” brings out their kink

#FREE THE NIPPLE A few weeks ago, Scout Willis, took to the streets of New York topless to make a stand about the sexualisation of women’s bodies, and on nipple-shaming – particularly present in social media and internet censorship. If her name rings a bell, it’s because she is the daughter of Hollywood royalty, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Scout has admitted that her public profile has fortunately given her a chance to bring awareness to body politics, especially the Free The Nipple campaign.

It all started with Instagram; Scout had posted two photos that breached Instagram’s guidelines, and this resulted in her account being deleted for “instances of abuse”. One of these photos was of herself in a “sheer” (yet not see-through) top, and the other was of a jacket which had a photograph of two shirtless women on it. As Scout put it in a piece she wrote for US-based lifestyle website, xoJane, “women are regularly kicked off Instagram for posting photos with any portion of the areola exposed, while photos sans nipple -- degrading as they might be -- remain unchallenged.”

Some of you may be confused about just why Scout Willis walked topless through New York City, and the reason is that legally, she can. Yes, strangely enough, Instagram doesn’t allow something that is legal by New York state law…the female nipple.

And what a very odd double standard the nipple is; at what moment in history did someone stand up and proclaim that

bare male chests were acceptable but female chests were not? And at what point did the rest of civilisation roll over and accept that? In our westernworld, the ‘inappropriate’ female nipple is told to cover up, but the male nipple is told nothing of the sort. Long-lasting sexualisation and formed associations with sex are responsible for the public shame surrounding the female breast, and the female breast alone.

However, the female breast is actually a secondary sex characteristic, meaning it’s a feature that distinguishes the different sexes, but it’s not directly related to reproduction. Other secondary sex characteristics are a male’s facial hair and Adam’s apples…how often do you see these being pixelated out of pictures and disallowed on Instagram?

The sexism of Internet censorship is one aspect of the Free The Nipple campaign, and another is public breastfeeding.

There are naturally many strong opinions on this debate; some contend that breastfeeding is a natural, bonding experience between mother and baby, and why should a mother have to hide away or be shamed for feeding her child?

Others view public breastfeeding as inappropriate and something that they just don’t want to or shouldn’t have to see when they leave the house. Finally, there’s a common middle ground opinion, that breastfeeding in public should be acceptable when necessary, but should be done so with ‘modesty’ and discretion…in other words, with a blanket covering the mother’s breast and baby.

Another argument against the female nipple is that, if shown in public, it could be damaging or corrupting to children, and titillating (pardon the pun) or encouraging to teenagers. Right, because kids these days can’t see female breasts on a raunchy magazine cover in a 7/11, or on the internet, or on any weeknight accidentally flicking on to a questionable SBS program…

Since Scout brought much awareness to the Free The Nipple movement, many other celebrities have also shown their support; Cara Delevigne, Lena Dunham, Kellan Lutz, Adrian Grenier, Liv Tyler, and Miley Cyrus – just to name a few.

Rihanna has also shown public support; her sheer Swarovski Diamond dress may have been a political statement, as well as a fashion statement. Facebook has very recently allowed people to upload pictures of mothers’ breastfeeding; this goes to show the momentum of the Free The Nipple campaign, its progress and its potential.

Regardless of your own stance on this controversial debate, it sure is an interesting question to ponder; why are we so offended by our own anatomy?

Word By Eleanor Danenberg

11

Sex Positive Don’t get me wrong, I am not going to pretend I am a virgin. I’ve had sex, sometimes I've even enjoyed it. I am not against sex any more than I am against pizza or chocolate or watching TV. I think I’d like to use pizza as an analogy to talk about my attitude toward sex, because as soon as I say “sex”, people are trying to catch me out being moralistic or immoral.

So let’s talk about pizza first.

People eat pizza. Some people like to eat it quite often, other people hardly ever have it. Some people distinguish between types of pizza that are more or less delicious or healthy for them and other people like to turn their choices about pizza into rules they want to impose on others. Some people like to try out a variety of different pizzas, even more than one on the same day. Sometimes instead of pizza I would like to eat a nice salad and I don’t want to be force-fed pizza at those moments. I don’t want a relationship with someone based on having to provide them with pizza or having to accept their pizza.

Now all of that is very straightforward and I doubt anyone is arguing with me just yet, but then when you bring gender into it, it all becomes more complicated. Because we have this thing called “heterosexuality”, which is more or less institutionalised rules for pizza production/consumption based on an assigned “gender” role. And most of the rules are unwritten; they are just “common sense.” (Oh please read Gramsci if you still think “common sense” means a good argument for something).

Because this is a short article I am going to have to over-simplify the gender roles in pizza production (whoops, I mean sex) to make a point. I realise as soon as I talk about unwritten rules about gender binary I am not telling the whole impossibly complex story, but let me outline some of the patterns that occur.

If you are born a “girl”, you are expected to function as a pizza producer. The messages you will get about your pizza production will be confusing and contradict each other, and this will all function to stop you being able to control the mode or manner of your pizza production. You must give your pizza to anyone at any time if they want it. You must keep your pizza safe and not give it to anyone. You are the pizza. You can never be anything else except the pizza. If you are a pizza you are a “bad girl” and will be punished by having your pizza used. If you are not the pizza you are deficit and have no value. Your pizza is not as good as someone else’s pizza.

Your pizza must always be perfect. Your pizza must always be available. Your pizza must never be available. You must get a regular customer for your pizza and produce exclusively for him. You cannot enjoy pizza.

You have to enjoy pizza. You cannot make or eat pizza with other females except for the entertainment of males. And so on.

There are also rules for people assigned the “boy” role at birth. These rules are based on having a limitless appetite for pizza, always criticising all pizza as not quite good enough, being worthless unless you can get more pizza than other males and always competing with males for ownership of

or Slut Shaming? pizza. Males may not make or share pizza with other males (except sometimes in terms of sharing the females who are the pizza to shame them) and while consuming a lot of pizza with relish must simultaneously see it as unimportant. Yes there is some exaggeration here too but look at popular culture (songs, commercials, movies) and try to tell me you can’t see this at all.

So all this contradiction around pizza/sex, makes it a minefield even to try to identify my own attitude to it, let alone defend it from people who have absorbed all the powerful yet contradictory messages about sex differently from me and find fault with my views. So for me (and this goes for whether we are talking about pizza or sex) questions of individual “choice” are inadequate as an answer about whether sex is “good.” I could get bogged down in a long and complicated discussion about what is choice and “agency” and who might be more or less constrained in the way they make choices and the relationship between me, the individual and the social construction of me by my context and the discourses that surround “me”. Seriously though, you can go and read Foucault and all of that for yourselves, I’ll try to keep it more simple.

The way you eat or produce pizza may affect me. The way you “choose” to be a pizza producer or consumer (i.e. a performer of “sex”) either enforces the limits of my “gender” role or liberates me from them.

You don’t have to be having sex with me for your sexual choices to affect me. Sex is political. This does not mean that I can give you simple answers about what is right or wrong sexually, what specific acts are “good”

or “bad” or who you may be sexual with. Sex performs and produces gender in myriad and complex ways. Public depictions of sex and sexuality do so all the more. Everything we do as sexual agents is part of a conversation society is having about gendered identities and it is futile to try to reduce it to individual “preferences” as though sex is nothing but a commodity. The pizza metaphor broke down (as you saw) the minute I introduced gender because sex is not simply a commodity it is part of our identity and the way we construct relations with others.

This means I can’t be uncritically “sex positive” even though I wish to take this simple and polarised path away from “slut shaming”. I try to avoid the word “slut”, which I think is a word that stems out of envy and fear. Some people like to have a lot of sex; that certainly doesn’t bother me. Some women seem to objectify themselves or allow themselves to be objectified, but this is usually a complex process that happens in a social context and I don’t see a need to scapegoat, blame or label women when I see this happening.

But I also can’t let it slide, when sexuality is being expressed in a way that makes me less safe, or reduces my own sexual agency; when there is a glorification of woman as victim, woman as consumer commodity, woman as object. You are not a “slut”, you are a sexual agent. And your “choices” are articulations of liberation or oppression. Fuck with care.

Words by Stef Rozitis

13

To all the Bad Doms

Th i s i s a n o pe n l ett er fo r a l l th e Bad Do m s of t he wo rl d .

yo u wo n d eri n g w h at o n eart h yo u d i d w ro n g .

Of co urse you don’ t t h i n k yo u ’ re bad . As fa r a s you ’ re co n ce r n e d , bei ng in a BDS M rel at i o n s h i p i s t h e greate st thing since s l i ce d b re a d .

You th rill in g iv ing co m m a n d a n d orders a nd getting t h e m f u l f i l l e d , al o ng with giv ing o u t a ge n e ro u s hel pi ng of punishme nt s n ot l i m i t e d to spa nking, wh i p p i n g , biting, sc ratc hing, humiliati n g , o r w h at eve r el se floats your b o at . An d w h e n yo u d o it right, we Su b s l av i s h i n i t. We be g for more . We p u s h t h e bo unda ries to be pu n i s h e d . We l ove to p l ease you.

Th e f i rs t t h i n g yo u mu s t u n ders t an d, w h et h e r yo u l i ke i t o r n ot , i s t h at yo u r Su b i s t ec h n i c al l y i n co nt ro l of yo u . Th e Su b h as t h e power t o s ay w h at h a ppen s an d w h en - an d t h ey h ave a d amn ri g ht t o . Fo r s o meo n e t o w i l l i n gl y be t i ed u p, be i mmo bi l e, t a ke yo u r s exu al co mman ds , an d be v i r t u a l l y defen cel es s , g i vi n g t h em c h o i ce i s a g i ven . Th e Su b w i l l t el l yo u w h at h e o r s h e want s , an d i f yo u d a re t o t ry anyt h i n g yo u r Su b d o e s n' t want - t h en yo u 're dan c i n g o n a l i n e of s exu al as s au l t . Never eve r t a ke yo u r ro l e as Do m as s e r i o u s l y as t h at . If yo u do n't u n d e rs t a n d t h at t h ey are i n co nt ro l , yo u s h o u l d n ot be a Do m.

But we’ ve got to t a l k , Ba d Do m .

Bec ause the re a re s o m e t h i n g s thi ngs that you may n ot eve n t h i n k are co nside re d ba d i n a Do m / Su b rel ati o nship, that ac t u a l l y a re . To be a responsible d o m i n a nt i s a n extrem ely importa nt a n d t r u s t e d ro l e, a nd if you stuf f i t u p , yo u t i p over the fine line of b e i n g s ex u a l l y aro using to a dow n r i g ht a s s h o l e .

You've got to le a rn s o o n e r o r l at e r on whe re you’ re h e a d e d b efo re yo ur Sub gets up a n d go e s , l e av i n g

Be i n g a Do m do es n ot mean yo u a re b o r n w i t h a s i l ver s exu al s po o n i n yo u r m o u t h fo r yo u t o s u c k l e.

Hav i n g t he ro l e of do mi n ant do es n ot g i ve yo u a co u po n t o wave at yo u r Su b, t el l i n g t h em t h ey h ave t o d o wh at ever yo u pl eas e. Yo u s h o u l d never expec t a Su b t o do o r co m p let e anyt h i n g i f t h ey h ave t o l d yo u t h ey do n ot want t o -

an d yo u s h o u l d be j u s t as giving du ri n g s ex as yo u wo u l d in vanilla s ex. Sat i s fyi n g o n l y yo u rse lf, the n j u s t i fyi n g t h i s i s o k ay be cause you are t h e Do m, i s cert ai n l y not okay.

A Su b i s co mpl et el y and utte rly des ervi n g of t h ei r ow n c l imax.

Un ders t an d t h at yo u r Sub ad ore s yo u . Even i f t h ey don't show i t du ri n g yo u r h eat ed tangle in t h e beds h eet s , t h ey d o. Who el s e wo u l d t h ey w i l l i n gly let tie t h em an d ravage t h em in such a man n er? If yo u l o o k at i t f rom the Su b’s pers pec t i ve, t h ey are of te n co mpl et el y defen cel es s , and if s o met h i n g go es w ro n g for the m, t h ey c an't s t o p yo u . Sc ary, right?

Th at 's j u s t h ow mu c h a Sub trusts yo u w i t h t h i s . Do n't fu c k it up .

So , l i s t en t o yo u r Su b. Sound s like a n o brai n er, bu t s o me Bad Doms c an get i t w ro n g . I rec all one of my fi rs t ever Do ms (u nfortunate ly, a baddu n) an d I mak i n g out, and I req u es t ed h i m t o be a l ittle more gent l e. I was t o l d t h at I wasn't in co nt ro l , an d t h at was i t for us. I c an't t ru s t s o meo n e l i ke that if I c an’t even h ave t h e ri g ht to control t h e l evel s of phys i c al di s comfort he

was p utting on me t h ro u g h k i s s i n g .

If I ha d be e n imm o b i l i s e d d u r i n g sex , an d I ha d been t o l d ' I wa s n' t i n co ntrol' a ny more, yo u c a n i m a g i n e how horrific that o rd e a l m ay h ave been.

s e s s i o n so t h ey k n ow yo u ’re o k ay, a n d a q ui c k h ead n o d i s al l t h ey n e e d . It wo n't ru i n a ro l epl ay, an d i t g i ve s t h at gen eral reas s u ran ce t h at t h e Do m i s do i n g wel l , an d t h e Su b i s co mf y.

Some Subs a ctua lly d o e n j oy p a i n , and th at is fine , bu t ove rs t e p t h at , and i t' s trouble. Do n' t i g n o re i t when their ha nds h ave b e e n go i n g purpl e from rope knot s j u s t b e c a u s e yo u wa nt to keep b o n i n g . If yo u r Sub b egins to ga rble o u t s o m et h i n g that sounds like the s afewo rd f ro m thei r g a g- ta ke it o u t a n d a s k . If yo u whip your Sub fa r t o o h a rd than what they wa nt e d , yo u b et t e r apo l o gise. A good way of l o o k i n g at puni sh me nt for a Su b w h o d o e s n' t want to be physica l l y i n p a i n i s t o co mpare to yourse l f. Wh at wo u l d yo u fi nd pa inful? Wo u l d yo u wa nt so meone to do that t o yo u w h i l e yo u couldn' t move?

Yo u r Su b i s j u s t as i nt eres t ed as yo u i n t h e B D SM c u l t u re, an d yo u s h o ul d n ever be afrai d t o t el l t h e m yo ur i deas an d fant as i es , as t h e re i s a go o d c h an ce t h ey may h ave a w h o l e reel of t h ei r ow n t o s h a re . Yo u s h o u l d s et c l ear l i mi t s b et we e n yo u bot h : w i l l t h e Do m/ Su b re l ati o n s h i p be o n an o n go i n g b a s i s , o r j u s t w i t h i n t h e co nfi n es of t h e b e d ro o m? If yo u c h o o s e t o h ave i t o n go i n g i n pu bl i c , remember, Su b s c a n't be s t o pped fro m do i n g s o m et h i ng i f t h ey real l y want t o , a n d yo u h ave n o real co nt ro l o n a ny t h i n g yo u r Su b c h o o s es t o wear, d o , o r w here t h ey go .

A l ways discuss how fa r yo u a n d yo ur Sub wa nt to go . Ag a i n , b a d Doms ca n get it wro n g . I re c a l l o n ce go i ng into a se ssio n w i t h a Do m exp ec t ing nothing m o re t h a n l i g ht pl ay a s it wa s dis c u s s e d , b efo re thi ngs got a little d a r ke r a n d h e beg an dema nding sex w h e n I wa s n’ t wi l l i ng to go that far w i t h h i m yet .

It to ok the ha rshest of wo rd s t o t e l l hi m to fuck off. A s a n i d e a l , go o d Doms will a lways at l e a s t o n ce a s k how you’ re fe e ling t h ro u g h o u t t h e

If yo u b ot h en j oy u s i n g t oys an d b o n d a ge gear, go t o s el ec t i t t o get h e r. A Su b s h o u l d get fi rs t p i c k of wh at 's t h ere, as t h ey w i l l b e t h e o n es mo s t l i kel y weari n g / u s i n g i t , an d s h o u l d be co mpl et el y co mfo r t abl e w i t h i t . (Fo r beg i n n er Su b s a n d Do ms – Lo o k i nt o a bed b o n d a ge k i t . Seri o u s l y. Yo u 'l l t h an k m e l at e r. )

w h en vent u ri n g o n yo u r p ath of w h i ps an d c h ai n s . Fo r examp le , you s h o u l d as k yo u r Su b h ow they fe e l abo u t co l l ars . So me Su bs simp ly se e t h em as a pret t y as s et i n p lay, and ot h ers c an s ee t h em as something s o prec i o u s an d bi n di n g , it e quals marri age. Yo u wo u l dn’t want to go pres ent i n g t h at t o yo u r Sub of thre e week s .

So , Bad Do ms of t h e wo r ld , take a l o n g l o o k at yo u r Su b and rethink yo u r ow n ers h i p an d powe r ove r t h em, bec au s e i n real i t y, the Sub co nt ro l s yo u . If every Dom le arne d t h i s , s u rel y every re lationship reg ardi n g power p l ay co u ld b e mad e s o mu c h eas i er. s

Wo rd s By E l i se Whi tshi re A rtwo rk by Kata l i n Ki ss

Do m s a n d Su bs are everyw h eref ro m o p e n t o s h el t ered, an d yo u n e e d t o t ake t h i s i nt o acco u nt

15

THE SCIENCE OF SEX Words by Rohan Neagle Illustrations by Rafal Banasik Science can either make sex really weird or even weirder - and with a whole bunch of science fiction slowly becoming science fact we’re probably on our way to some kind of exponential weirdness. Thanks to the persistent research of many a scientist – from engineers inventing mechanised dildos to psychologists telling us that men think about sex 19 times or less per day* – we have been supplied the weirdest of the weird. And, who knows, for many, it might be the kinkiest of the kinky. *Common knowledge suggests that men think about sex every seven seconds. This is a myth that needs its balls busted.

Lab-grown Vaginas Have Been A Thing For Eight Years The results of the ensuing study were only published recently so don’t feel bad for not having heard of it. The teenage girls who underwent this peculiar study had a rare genetic condition. The girls had Mayer-Rokitansky- Küster-Hauser (MRKH) syndrome.

This basically means that the vaginas of these girls didn’t develop properly, or at all. This kind of condition affects one in every 4500 newborn girls.

Thankfully, science came to the rescue, and took samples of the little-remaining vaginas of these teenagers. These samples were put into a bioreactor with scaffolding. A bioreactor is equipment that preserves the cells and keeps them alive, and the scaffolding keeps the pre-vaginas properly structured and helps with the growing process. The vaginas grew themselves, and were made of muscle tissue and vaginal epithelial cells.

The doctors cut a new cavity into the patients, and implanted these lab-grown substitutes. And hey presto, these ladies now had vaginas that not only made them super-horny, but also helped them achieve pain-free intercourse eight years on. Of course, with implications like these, you’d soon be expecting people to get vaginal reconstructions using this method for medical reasons. However, knowing humanity, they’d probably be marketed as a fad. Soon, instead of tattoos, people will get vaginas grafted all over their bodies.

Naturally-found female bug with a penis Yes. Women with penises do exist. Yes. They are marginalised as a porn genre. Yes. I put the ‘fun’ in ‘futanari’. But this, you see, this discovery is rather interesting. Within the mysterious caves in Brazil a strange species of winged-insect buzzes and eats bat guano and bat corpses. The Neostrolga (genus name) is a type of bug with rather bizarre sexual organs. The males have a vagina-like opening in their back, and the females possess a donger. These bugs were found thanks to the works of ecologists, and we can thank them for giving us a new perspective on how dicks work.

Before we go on I must highlight the scientific definition of male and female. Gametes are cells that are used in sexual reproduction – say, sperm cells and egg cells. The sex that spends its most energy on creating gametes is the female. We clear? Good.

The way the Neostrolga mate? It’s pretty out there. The female slides her penis in the back-opening of a male which accommodates the tip. Then, the female’s penis swells up and all these hooks lock the penis into place. Researchers who tried to pull two mating Neostrolga apart ripped the male in half and the penis was still attached to the male’s vagina-like hole. Dear God. Anyway, after 40-70 hours of mating the male gives up and the female receives a sperm capsule. The female leaves with the sperm payload in its dick. The female goes and lays eggs with said dick. Holy dick.

Knowing about this discovery makes you feel like a winner in the evolutionary chain, doesn’t it?

Biological Three-Parent Babies!

Oh yeah! Finally, a new way to justify threesomes. At least, in a lab setting with teams of experts handling your estranged gametes. And for a damn good reason, too. The three-person baby, consisting of the parts of two females and one male, is for the sake of preventing many mitochondrion diseases. This three-person baby is not yet a thing applied to humans, but it has shown to be successful with rhesus monkeys.

The mitochondria, commonly described as the ‘power plants’ of the cell because they generate energy, are susceptible to certain diseases in its own field. These diseases can be very severe, such as causing early dementia, seizures, neuropathy, multiple sclerosis, and vision loss. Around 15% of these diseases are genetically caused from within mitochondrion genes, which can supposedly be averted with the three-parent IVF method.

The three-parent IVF process involves taking the main mother’s DNA (known as the spindle pre-fertilized or the pronucleus post-fertilized) and putting it into another donor’s egg. The donor’s egg has its DNA (spindle) extracted to make room for the mother. This way, the mother’s 23-chromosones are passed on into a new egg which has different but healthy mitochondria.

The father’s sperm can be put into mother’s DNA before or after the exchange.

But how much of your mother are you if you went through this?

Well, let’s calculate.

The mitochondrial genome has 37 genes, giving it a total of around 16,000 base pairs. The nuclear genome, the one with the chromosomes, has around 20,000 genes, with 3,200,000,000 possible base pairs. Instead of having three parents, you’re getting about 2.00185 parents. It is a small contribution, but it’s better than having your mother’s shitty mitochondrion DNA.

17

Sex is Gross

Not normal sex. You know, like between 2 consenting adults. That's just icky. Even that kinky stuff you heard about at the Coopers Bar seems tame by comparison. No. The sex I'm talking about is for the rest of the animal kingdom, and it's just terrifyingly gross.

Take for example the button beetle. If you were hard pressed for a date you might ask a friend to hook you up, try online dating, and maybe even suffer the meat market that is the city on a Saturday night. If you're a lonely female button beetle though, you solve this problem by having a kid. That's right, you have a kid and then do the dirty with it.

Don't stress too much though, this is one relationship is not built to last. To start with, your son is normally born with little more than the family jewels to help you make a real baby. Once that business is done it's time for dinner, and that son of yours looks mighty tasty. Yum. It doesn't stop there though - some animals get weird. Most young men are more than happy to talk up the size of their privates, but if you were a bee not having the balls to do something would be a compliment. It all starts with a queen bee who is groomed from birth to be a baby making machine. Fed and

raised in the lap of luxury, and fed nothing but a special royal jelly. When she leaves the nest, males literally fling themselves at her and their junk explodes and breaks off inside the QB. Don't feel too sorry for them, as their pain is short lived. Unlike our next contender for "worst sex life ever."

Enter the Angler fish: the horrifying beast of the deep, famous for the streetlight attached to its head. But with its mating habits, maybe it should be a red light. The female angler fish lures potential mates in with its esca, the dangly bit on its head. Once lured in, the males literally sticks to the female. Over time they are completely absorbed into the female, so all that's left is their little baby juice maker for the female to make kids with.

I'm sure there's a "ya mum's an angler fish" joke in here, but I'll leave that to you.

These might be the most emasculated males in the animal kingdom, but the lowly barnacle. Why? Because if you saw a guy with a 16 meter ding-dong dragging behind them, what would make it just a bit weirder would be when during class that 16 meter trouser snake starts waiving around the lecture theatre bumping into people trying to decide what's a vajay-jay and what is

just another hole. More than just a little awkward. It could be worse, a few species just bust a nut everywhere and hope it finds its way into a lady.

At least someone's getting some action though. If you're a female shark in captivity, you might just find yourself preggers without having ever seen a dude, and I don't mean any kind of IVF either. Automatic parthenogenesis has been seen in captive Hammerhead and Blacktip sharks. This happens when the egg in the womb spontaneously fertilises itself with some of the mother’s other tissue. It's a virgin birth, not many of those around. Though this leaves the mother without any help to raise the kid, but the resulting baby is a clone, so that's pretty cool.

So next time you’re doing the dirty and something goes horribly wrong remember, it could be much worse. Unless your piercings get tangled. That’s about as bad as it gets.

Words by Michael Wilson for YSA Adelaide

19

Q & A:

SEX WORKER

What kind of sex work do you do?

name for them. You sit there and it’s a great

that get a little pushy and you’ve just got

big brainstorm while throwing names back

to stand up to them. I’m quite tall and well

and forth. It’s about trying to find one that

built. I’ve thankfully not had to fend off

I started doing rub and tug: sensual

actually fits them - fits the way they look,

anyone but if it ever came to it, I know I

massage with a ‘happy ending’ finish

their style or their personality. Charlotte

could. I’ve had a few that have been a little

(which is a handjob). From there, I went

just seemed to fit nicely for me. There are

forceful until they’ve realised how strong I

into full service and I have also done some

a few reasons to change. When leaving

actually am and they back off very quickly.

domination work and disability sex work. I

one establishment and going to another,

won’t do escort work except with disability

it’s good to change your name so the other

clients. With that, it will either be going to

establishment doesn’t know where you

their home or being like a date. So, going

are going if you have a bit of beef with the

out to dinner.

previous employer. Some girls work more

Is there a dialogue or policy at work in the instance that clients get aggressive or forceful?

How did you get into sex work?

than one venue and they’ll have a different

It can depend on the venue. Basically, any

name at each venue so that the employers

noise that isn’t normal will get attention.

Originally, my everyday job that I do wasn’t

don’t know they’re working at more than

“Help” is a good one. “Help” is never

earning enough money. There was a bit of

one place because most establishments

ignored. I have another one as well…any

a down turn and of course, you know, I had

don’t like you working elsewhere. You can

girls I’ve worked with, I’ve at one point

bills to pay. I was talking to a friend who

also change your name if you have difficult

told them that if I hear the word “red” I will

used to reception at the massage parlour

clients and wish to not be recognised by

come. “Red” is a very common safe word.

that I work at and she said “I have these

them. Finally, some girls change their name

Also, if you hear knocking and banging on

friends who run this business, this is the

so they appear to be a new girl to get more

doors or walls.

business, and if you’re comfortable doing

work because the guys always like the new

that sort of thing I can put you in touch

girls. I worked with one girl who changed

with them.” And yeah, she did. So I ended

Who is an ideal client?

her name about three times for that very

I think it depends on what area you’re

up working as well as receptioning there.

reason.

working in. Whether it’s full service,

How long have you been People often have a negative working? perception of sex workers…

massage or BDSM work. It all varies.

Two and a half years.

I think that’s an educational thing. They

are ones that treat you like you’re a real

How old are your clients?

haven’t bothered to get to know what the

woman. You deserve respect as much as

industry is actually like and it’s based purely

anyone that they’re going on a date with.

They range. I haven’t had too many young

on stereotypes. The media puts across

It’s just that they’re paying for the privilege

clients. I think 20-21 was my youngest.

what they think everyone should think a

of not having to call you afterwards.

Right up to 80. I actually had a guy come in

sex worker is and it’s not always the case.

for a massage on his 80th birthday.

We’re not all druggies; we’re not all doing

Are you clients always men?

What names do you go by, how do you pick them and why do you change them?

this so we can get our next hit. A lot of us

The majority are men. 99% are men. I

either do this to pay our bills, so that we can

have had one woman for a BDSM session,

have a comfortable lifestyle, or to support

which was really nice, and I’ve had a couple.

ourselves or the kids.

Quite often you do have couples who are

I go by a couple of names. The main one I go by is Charlotte. The other one I can’t really give you because it will give me away.

I picked Charlotte because…basically, when

How do you stay in control of your clients?

Basically, a good client is one that is willing to pay and is respectful. The best ones

interested in having an extra girl and it’s generally safer than going online to a dating site and finding a potential one-night stand

Staying firm. “No” does work in most cases.

girl because the myth of the unicorns are

a girl comes along to an establishment, one

Most clients are pretty good; a lot of them

exactly that, myths. They can come with a

of the most exciting things about having a

are pretty respectful. You do get some

lot of trouble.

new girl is sitting down and working out a

21

Do you keep your sex work and Are there any particular words people you know through it that are used in the code? separate to your personal life? Not really. There aren’t any set words. It’s

Well, I think a lot of it has to do with the

No. I’ve got some quite good friends that

usually more of an understanding between

sexuality and hey, I have this commodity

I see regularly outside of work. A lot of

workers you’ve worked with than an actual

and let’s face it, it is a commodity, why not

them keep their lives separate from work.

set language. Often, one sex worker will

take advantage of it? Why can’t I benefit

Sex workers generally do have a code they

be talking to another sex worker and have

from myself and my skills as opposed to this

can speak in. Speaking the double language

absolutely no idea that that other person is

idea that other people are taking ‘advantage’

keeps things fairly private. A lot of girls don’t

a sex worker too.

of me? And, because, growing up in the

want to communicate or have anything to

Why do you think sex work is stigmatised in society?

societies we are, strong women are quite

(Laughs) Without getting too feminist?!

that so we have to vicitmise these ‘poor

do with anyone outside of work and that’s understandable.

patriarchal society we have. Sex work can be very empowering for women. You are taking control of yourself and your own

often frowned upon. It’s not necessarily overt but we’re conditioned to think like

If it were decriminalised, not necessarily workers in a safer position because they

How important is sexual protection in sex work?

wouldn’t feel threatened to call the police

Extremely, extremely important. There’s

if they need to. That’s where you hear a

products out there, use them. That’s what

lot of the issues: sex workers won’t call the

condoms, dams, and female condoms are

police because they’re worried that they’ll

for…everything is there for a reason. There’s

be victimised that way. So there’s a lot of

too high a risk of sexually transmitted

rape and beatings that don’t get reported.

diseases. And you get a lot of clients that

legalised, that would put a lot of sex

Do you ever get turned on during a booking?

push for unprotected services and you have to remind them: “If I’m willing to do it for you, how many am I willing to do it for? You

Oh yes! Of course! You can’t help it –

might be clean and not give me anything,

sometimes the body just reacts. And

but how are you sure I’m clean and you’re

sometimes it’s with the most bizarre people!

not going to take something home…or give

A guy will come in and he’s overweight,

something to your wife or girlfriend.”

balding and there’s hair in places where just be the simplest thing, like a certain way

What is your worst client experience?

that he touched a part of your body and

The worst client actually wasn’t my client.

it doesn’t even have to be an erogenous

I’ve had to go into someone else’s booking

zone, it’ll be something…. or just the

and remove a client because they were

communication, the conversation can be

being too forceful and pushy. So, I’ve

enough…and you can get turned on!

actually had to go in there and say, “you

there really shouldn’t be hair…and it might

Are you always naked during a booking?

need to get dressed now and you need to leave.” He was intimidating the girl, he was pushy to the verge that she felt threated

No. It depends on which job I’m at.

and he was going to get violent…so I had

Sometimes I’ll get requests from clients

no problem going in there and telling him

when I’m doing full service or massage for

to fuck off.

lingerie or outfits. You can just take off the women’: ‘these poor women need saving,

underpants and continue doing what you

because why else would they be doing this?

need to do. With the domination work,

How has working in the sex industry benefited your life?

How can they be enjoying it?’ I’ve got lots of

I am never naked. That’s because I’m the

Confidence. I think that’s the biggest thing.

friends who will go out every single night

dominant party. Nakedness is seen as a

You become confident in yourself, most of

and hook up in the back of a car or in a

position of vulnerability, which once again

the time. You get less judgemental of your

stairwell behind a building for a quick fuck

is unfortunate because we shouldn’t feel

own body; you become so much more

with a complete stranger. And for me it’s

vulnerable being naked. So, I use that as

self-accepting. You realise that you’re not

like, why not get paid for that?

a tool for being more dominant over my

necessarily stereotypically attractive to

clients who are generally males and it is

everybody but it doesn’t matter because

seen in the male/female bookings that

if you’re not attractive to one person,

clothed female/naked male is a power

you’re going to be attractive to another.

That’s a landmine. I don’t think it gives

exchange. It leaves them very vulnerable. It

You don’t have to please everyone so just

enough support to sex workers at all and

can also be seen as a way of degradation or

be comfortable in who you are and love

it leaves them in a very vulnerable position.

humiliation.

yourself…many many times (laughs). s

How do you feel about the laws surrounding sex work?

23

VO Q.

1.introduce yourself! 2. it’s the holidays! what are you doing on campus? 3. what is one of the best things about the semester break? 4. you wake up one morning with your dream celebrity crush on the other side of the bed, who is it? 5. krispy creme’s opening in adelaide: overhyped or justifiable? 6. you meet your six year old self. any advice for them?

1. I’m Hugo and I’m studying Education/Arts.

1. Jared Hunter, working at Unibooks.

2. Working and partying.

3. I get to sleep more.

4. Will Smith and Tina Fey. 5. Little overhyped but still delicious.

2. Two reasons. I had to see a course coordinator but also for the gym.

3. Don’t want to sound too vain or egotistical but being able to workout every day.

4. Easy. Emma Watson.

5. Completely overhyped.

6. Don’t play too much playstation, you’ll pay for it at uni.

2. Working on a project; milestone next week.

3. All day sleep ins.

4. Jennifer Lawrence.

5. Definitely justifiable.

6. Start gaming earlier.

6. Don’t eat that stuff you found in the dirt. Keep all my pokemon cards.

JARED

1. I’m James, studying Robotics Engineering.

hugo

JAMES

2. Working! No holidays for me anymore, it’s about events for O’week and beyond now.

3. None of these punk kids running around! I kid, I kid.

4. Karen Gillan, but don’t tell my fiancé that… seriously.

5. Definitely overhyped, although I lived in Melbourne for a while and they were a dime a dozen there – well, not in price but you know what I mean.

Try Gourmet Glaze though, much better.

6.Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles make a comeback, and they’re still freaking awesome.

ADAM

1. Hello! I’m Jarod and I’m studying a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in Drama.

2. Gyming and socialising.

pop

X O 1.Hey! I’m Adam, the Clubs & Events officer at FUSA. I work on making the campus more fun by day, and study a Masters of Policing, Intelligence and CounterTerrorism by night. Yknow, like Batman. I think.

1. QUACK QUACK Fred QUACK

3. Time to myself, socialising, and partying.

2. QUACK QUACK BREAD QUACK QUACK attack the Subway quarters QUACK.

4. Jennifer Lawrence because she is hilarious.

3.Quak… (fact: ducks have corkscrew penises)

5. What is this ‘Krispy Kremes’ you speak?

4.Tom Hiddleston.

6. Keep on exercising and take it easy on the games – they’re fun but talking to girls is funner.

JAROD

5. (flaps arms excitedly) QUAK QUAK 6. Haters gonna hate.

Donald Duck is a dick.

FRED

25

Sex Work: My Experience

Being a sex worker is probably not every-

down later that day and introduce myself.

sage parlour but I was wrong - that assump-

one’s cup of tea. However, I found it to be

An hour later I caught two buses to a lan-

tion was due to my ignorance. Within a few

one of the best and most interesting oc-

eway that guided me to the number that

days, I realised a ‘type’ did not exist. I soon

cupations I’ve come to experience. Not

I was told on the phone. The receptionist,

realised that there were so many walks of

to say it was all giggles and sparkly pant-

a beautiful young woman with brightly co-

life within my job. There were all types of

ies, there were of course confronting and

loured hair, answered the door and ushered

women: busty, flat chested, petite, chubby,

emotionally damaging moments as well.

me in. I filled out some forms and was asked

large, tall, short, long-haired, short-haired,

to choose a working name by the follow-

coloured-hair, natural, shaved, unshaved,

I first got into the sex industry when I was

ing day because, if I was still interested, the

tattooed, pierced, tanned, pale, and from

in my early twenties, realising I wouldn’t be

following day would be my first day as a

different backgrounds and of all ages (but

able to continue paying rent for my beau-

sex worker. I was deeply petrified but com-

always over 18). Some of the women were

tiful suburban home unless I got a job. I

forted by the fact that the business was fe-

single, married, engaged, straight, bi, gay,

couldn’t consider ‘normal’ jobs as viable

male-run and the girls seemed friendly.

shy, outgoing, working another job, unem-

options due to a temporary health compli-

“

cation. ‘Normal’ jobs require certain things

ployed or a student. Walking into work beMy first few weeks were nerve-racking,

came something I looked forward to - it was

Walking into work became something I looked forward to it was a community, almost like a little sorority. That may sound strange, but in our down time (when we weren’t in a booking) we all just hung out like friends.

”

of you like punctuality, structure, reliability

scary, exciting and enjoyable all at the same

a community, almost like a little sorority.

and permanency - things I couldn’t uphold

time. A girl who I later became friends with

That may sound strange, but in our down

at the time. What I needed was a job that

taught me how to do body slides without

time (when we weren’t in a booking) we

would allow me to choose my hours, cancel

slipping off the client (because of the baby

all just hung out like friends. We gossiped,

at the last minute, take regular breaks and

oil we used). Though, that was actually

smoked, cooked meals, napped, watched

have time off for myself or for exam study.

something I never ended up mastering. I

movies, played pranks and did out home-

learnt about the general service we provid-

work (for those that were studying). When

So, on a very ordinary afternoon, I decided

ed, how to perform it, the ‘extras’ we could

one of us had a bad client, nobody would

to call up the first place that I had Googled.

choose to provide for more money, the

stand for it. We would all join in on the con-

Their website looked friendly and I was

weird clients and the nice ones, how to hide

demnation of that client and if it were seri-

relieved to see that full service (i.e. sexual

my working life from my private life, and all

ous, suggest banning the client.

intercourse) was not on the agenda. Basi-

about the girls I worked with. The latter was

cally, it was a massage parlor or ‘rub and

the most valuable and the most rewarding.

tug.’ “How do I go about applying for a job?”

Working as a sex worker was like being a secret agent. I was earning a great living

I asked nervously and the woman’s voice on

Originally, I didn’t think I would get along

while still maintaining my outside life of

the other end laughed and told me to come

with the ‘type’ of girls that worked at a mas-

friends, family and study. If I walked past

27

another woman from work while I was with

lonely or going through a breakup at the

offer them money? No? Then why do you

someone from my private life, I walked right

time.

think it is okay to do here? I have absolutely

past her without worrying that I would of-

no interest in your money, you disrespect-

fend. It was an unsaid arrangement. If we

It was difficult having a client open up to

ful prick!” He was appalled he couldn’t just

decided to mix our personal and work life,

me while I couldn’t do the same - at least,

throw some money at me to have it all blow

which some of us did (including myself), we

I tried not to. That was because of safety

over. I told him to get dressed and to nev-

would come up with an elaborate backstory

reasons. You couldn’t always pick the cra-

er come back and “No, you cannot have a

as to how we knew each other. There was,

zies or the stalkers and just as I was acting a

shower before you leave.” I cried and show-

however, a huge downside to working at

certain role (being the girl of their dreams), I

ered multiple times after that booking while

the massage parlour. At times, it could be

had to be aware that they could be too. Not

the other women comforted me. I couldn’t

incredibly emotionally draining on almost all

all of the men I saw started and finished on

fathom that a man (A dentist! Someone

levels. Trying to cover up a secret work life,

a nice note. One man, a dentist and new-

with a respectable job!), could think he

making up excuses to friends as to why you

bie to the parlor, came in for the service.

could get away with invading my body like

had to work late on a weeknight that wasn’t

On my introduction, I notified him that I did

that. What would have happened if another

Thursday, keeping a track of all the details

not do extras (things like oral, dirty talk and

girl, one too timid to speak up, just let him

you had told various people about the fake

BDSM play) and only provided the stan-

carry on with his actions? For me, it brought

job you were working, and dealing with the

dard massage and ‘finish.’ Half way through

up a lot of issues regarding consent and

‘work’ side of the job.

the massage his fingers started to wander

the idea of being more ‘at risk’ because of

around my inner thigh. I brushed his hand

working in the sex industry. It also dawned

The latter, aka ‘getting down to business’,

away and told him “no” in a firm but play-

on me that we didn’t have any security on

was the main thing that risked your emo-

ful way. He tried again and my body went

the premises. There was no buzzer to ring

tional stability. Most of the time, it was

rigid - I informed him that this was his last

if we felt threatened or were being harmed.

tolerable if not fun. I got to meet a variety

warning. At this time, no client I had seen

And if the client became violent, there was

of men who I never would have dreamed

previously had continued to disobey me. I

no security guard to kick him out and call-

would want or ‘need’ to come to a mas-

continued massaging him and fell into the

ing the police would be the least desirable

sage parlour for some ‘relief.’ Just as the

body slide, counting down the minutes of

thing to do given that sex work is criminal-

woman I worked with varied, so did the

the remainder of the booking. Then, he did

ised in South Australia.

men who came to see us. They were busi-

it again. This time, he actually got further

nessmen, teachers, uni students, miners,

than just my inner thigh. I jumped off and

The latter is actually the main reason as to

truck drivers, bikies, doctors, academics…

screamed at him “What the fuck do you

why I ended up leaving the massage par-

the list could go on. Again, they varied in

think you’re doing? I told you enough times

lour. I’d managed to luck out for the past

relationship status, ethnicity and age. Some

now so get the fuck out.” I was shaking and

year and a half and not be present when

would tip, most wouldn’t - they already felt

felt abused. He was gob smacked and, like

the police rocked up. See, from what I could

like they were paying enough for someone

the asshole he was, offered me an extra

gather when working there, the respectable

who didn’t do extras. But not all the men

$50 to finish the booking. I was fuming and

and (mostly) well-run massage parlours

who came to me felt like that, or even came

responded with “Is this how you treat wom-

weren’t ever closed down despite the po-

for anything vaguely sexual. I actually had a

en in your personal life?! When they say no,

lice knowing about them. This was because

lot of clients who came to talk; many were

you keep pushing? When they object, you

massage parlours were always going to pop

up and they might as well just keep an eye on them: you know, make sure there were no illegal immigrants or underage women working there by visiting every few months and recording licenses and names. I learnt that, while your status as a sex worker isn’t recorded on ‘main records’, it is still recorded ‘somewhere’, buried beneath your main record. This ‘somewhere’ only comes up when you work with children and while I’m still not sure of the details, I wasn’t going to risk my university degree.

I do not regret leaving the massage parlour because I feel that that chapter of my life needed to end before something bad happened: whether it was being caught by the police, or enduring another physical violation. It is sad that both these factors are out of a sex worker’s control. It is sad that sex workers are classified as criminals when it is their right to provide services using their bodies, just as carpenters use their hands; it is sad that sex workers are more at risk of being sexually assaulted by the same men who walk the streets with the public, just because sex workers are in ‘that’ line of work and should therefore expect to be pushed for ‘more’. In addition, when I tell people that I was once a sex worker, they

conversation about the typecasts people

are shocked and have so many questions.

are prone to make and the associations be-

Why are they shocked? Because they are

tween sex and shame. I’m not going to go

* The author recognises that this article is based on

ill informed as to the type of people who

into that now because that’s a clusterfuck

her experiences alone and therefore cannot speak

do sex work (answer: anyone). Why do

I just can’t discuss in one article, but I do

for others who have worked or work in the sex in-

they have so many questions? Because

hope that in sharing some of my experienc-

dustry.

nobody talks about sex work. It’s a taboo

es in the sex industry, that I have abolished

topic, something that isn’t socially appropri-

some social assumptions surrounding sex

ate to discuss. This leads to a whole new

work. s

WORDS BY ELI FOXX*

29

In light of Rolf Harris’ pathetically light sentence, Tony Abbot’s insensitive remarks about “being gutted” and Warrnabool’s discussion about covering up a mural on a loading dock wall, I was asked ‘Don’t you think it is suspicious that these women didn’t accuse Rolf Harris until so long after the event, until it became public knowledge that he was worth millions?” They then went on to ask me “how on earth any mother could have allowed a man to spend time alone in her daughters room?” The follow up comment was that she must have known and therefore why didn’t she say something at the time.

Wow. Is it just me or does that person have no experience of being sexually assaulted? Actually I asked about that and she said that men sexually assaulted her and her friends on the bus home by touching them and making obscene comments but that it didn’t traumatise them and people are too sensitive these days. In fact I have had a couple of those conversations lately where men and women have suggested that the anti-sexual harassment stuff goes too far. It is really hard for me to remain calm and try to reasonably explain that as someone who has experienced sexual harassment in the workplace from the age of sixteen I don’t really agree.

Protecting people in the work place seems to me to be a good thing and if it means you miss out on feeling like you can make a sexist, racist, ablest or otherwise discriminatory joke then I say suck it up and get some new material. I believe environmentalist bashing is in right now.

As for the victims of Rolf Harris not speaking out, I can understand.

Lots of people can understand. Anyone who has experienced sexual assault or rape at the hands of a family friend or trusted person in power or beloved relative can understand. How? How on earth are you meant to tell anyone? If you tell you will be destroying not just one life but many. That is if anyone believes you. And you are pretty sure no one will. After all this is a family member, a friend, a priest, a teacher.

My rapist was someone my own age. We were both adults at the time so unlike the powerless children who were victims of a paedophile like Rolf Harris, I was not powerless and confused (or so I thought). I was friends with his whole family, parents and sisters.

I spent Christmases at their house, I enjoyed my friendships with all of them.

One night John* and another male friend, Scott* were at my house and I was very much worse for wear* and wanted to go pass out in bed. Being concerned about my safety in that state, I asked my John to make sure Scott left and didn’t try anything on. He promised he would. I woke to find John having sex with me. I am not sure what it was that turned him whilst I was passed out, the drool, the faint smell of sick, who knows? Either way he finished. I pretended to myself it hadn’t happened or that it was my fault or something. Anything to avoid accusing him of rape, causing and losing my wonderful friends (his family). Anything to avoid feeling ashamed of letting it happen to me(a strong, intelligent woman).

Just wanting it to be forgotten about. For a while that worked, I blamed myself and got over it. Or so I thought. A few years later I was writing “Fuck, A Love Story”* my solo comedy show and it was about all the funny embarrassing things that had happened in my sex life and I started writing about this. That was the first time I spoke about it publically and it did mean losing the friendship of some people I cared about and respected. It even ended up with legal threats from people I cared about and respected and meant there were a whole bunch of places I could no longer go and hang out in my local area. I did not ever publically name this person, I certainly never went to the police or court to accuse this person but if I saw him getting an award from the Queen of England for services to the crown maybe I too would be sick of him getting away with what he did to me and decide it was time to let the world know. I certainly wouldn’t be questioning why a young girl took twenty, thirty, forty or fifty years to accuse an older man of sexually assaulting her, of raping her I would just like to tell her how brave she is. *Not his real name. See I am still not telling. *Not his real name either, well it wasn’t his fault. *Drunk, which by the way does not excuse anyone of rape. *Feel free to check out the whole show on You Tube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCVOEPeZPVE or just the highlights https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kmRYFr4vq4 Love yourself, touch yourself, be good to each other, Mistress M

‘j’aime la cuisine française Words By Lauris Buckley and Robbie Peschel

France encapsulates love and romance – after all it is home to the language of love and the ‘Locks of Love’ bridge in Paris. Many ladies have received a ring and a marriage proposal atop the Eiffel Tower and scores of men have fallen in love at the Moulin Rouge.

French restaurants see their fair share of first dates and anniversary dinners because of the perfect mix of romance and elegance.

With a reputation as one of the best French restaurants in Adelaide, you can overlook its position next to a sex shop.

L’Atelier Gourmand Bistro reflects what you’d discover down a small alleyway in the middle of Paris, quality food you would expect from a fine dining restaurant but in a rustic and simple atmosphere.

It’s hard to commit to a choice of main meal when all the options sound so delectable. Upon the waiter’s recommendation the duck becomes an obvious choice. Pan seared and oven baked duck could run the risk of become over cooked, but one slice through the middle reveals a velvety pink centre – perfect. The honey and balsamic sauce adds a glossy, sweet coating to the dish without being sickly or overpowering. Soft pears lay hidden underneath the duck, transforming the dish into something special.

The plate looks a little lacklustre covered in a brown glaze but sprinkles of tiny purple and yellow flowers contrast beautifully. The dish could benefit from a side dish as it is a modest serve, but if you’re saving room for dessert then don’t go overboard.

It can be a fine line between an overbearing waiter and one who is more focused on the pretty girl in the kitchen, so you know your luck is in when the waiter greets you with a friendly smile and leaves you to peruse the menu for a moment. He is willing to suggest the right amount of food to order and give a wine recommendation, even whilst attending to other tables. Consistent service all night ensures you can enjoy your night instead of trying to catch the waiter’s eye when you need your wine topped up.

The porterhouse is served on a large wooden board which exacerbates the small size of the steak. But cooked precisely to medium/rare, the tender meat melts in your mouth, and you realise you don’t need a big hunk of meat to be satisfied. Served with blue cheese gratin dauphiniose (potato bake), this accompaniment is the star of the dish.

The blue cheese adds a slight bite to the creamy taste of the potatoes but is not overly intense.

The menu is doused in cream and butter, how classic French bistro food should be. The chefs at L’Atelier Gourmand Bistro take control of their food – steak is cooked medium/rare or not at all and you definitely do not get a choice of sauce.But there is a reason for this – chefs know how to maximise the products they have to make them shine. On top of the menu there are some nightly specials if you take a glance at the blackboard.

Dips are great for sharing, and a good indication of what is to come. The olive tapenade graces the specials list and when it arrives the dark earthy colour is striking. Served with thin slices of toasted baguette, the serve is plenty for two people, but extra bread is offered if you need more.

Some of your dining partners may not be enthralled by the salty taste and grainy texture but if you eat olives by the jarful then this is the dip for you.

You’ll have the same problem trying to decide what dessert you want. The crème brûlée’s flavour changes periodically – tonight it’s vanilla. The top cracks superbly revealing the creamy layer underneath that does not lack a vanilla punch. If you’re in the mood for variety, the Cafe Gourmand dessert selection is an assortment of three petit fours that change daily. This place stays open late and welcomes customers coming in just for dessert and coffee.

If you want to inexpensively discover why everyone loves French food then L’Atelier Gourmand Bistro should be your next destination. Alternatively, their breakfast menu looks divine, and with the location being close Flinders you may want to treat yourself to a Croque-Monsieur before class, especially consideringall pastries are made on site. Bon appétit!

31

GAMES

Boardgame Edition!

Fluxx - Monty Python Version: e e e No-one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

The good thing about this game is that it is completely unpredictable, even when you have something that stops you from winning (one of the notorious Creepers) suddenly there will be an “except…” twist in game play and you will have won. For this reason it is impossible to know how long a game is going to go or how close to winning someone might be.

At first I thought the game was overly simple and rather boring, as the first rule changes we drew only changed the number of cards drawn and played. Persisting, we got to the interesting stuff. Irritating rules that reward people for singing, quoting movies, terrible accents and other anti-social behaviours.

Twists that make or break fortunes (or nearly do but then there is another twist), Holy Hand Grenades and knights who say “ni”. This is not a game for the stable and sensible personality (ie it was perfect for me and my son). The game is surprisingly G rated without any reference to sperm being sacred (unless the player brings it up in song).

Unlike most games, there is absolutely no incentive at all to be nice (or passiveaggressively pretend to be nice) or behave while playing this game. “Why did you change the rule?”

“Cause I knew you’d hate it” was a common conversation and even though I won, everyone who played kept wanting to play because it is nearly as much fun losing as winning. There are thousands of other Fluxx variants (well maybe five), but they don’t fit together. You can only really play one at a time and I don’t really see why you would go for any other one when the Python one is so damn silly.

When you win the game, don’t get a big head. Remember you are not the Messiah you are just a naughty little boy. Now go get me a shrubbery.

Taboo: 500 x e Taboo is a game without a board. You play in teams of increasingly inebriated (ok that part is optional as the game is still fun sober) people who try to communicate a secret word to each other without saying any of the taboo words. One person from the opposite team gets the fun of censoring the

player (with a squeak from a squeeze toy) if they say any of the taboo words. Although number of players is flexible we used to find the most fun games were with the basic four.

Best…game…ever…. It’s not about who you pick to be in your team for Taboo, it is about trying to get into the mind of the person and speak their language. You are trying to trigger the word, often by saying something that is really, really wrong and part of your mind is disapproving of you for saying but it gets a result (and sometimes if you are very lucky: a horrified gasp from other players at the connection you successfully drew).

Taboo has 2 major flaws, both of them stemming from an American perspective (and cultural capital). Some of the words you have to guess (e.g. Paul Revere) we were just left going “huh?” Meanwhile there were some hugely glaring omissions in some of the taboo words that left some cards far too easy to communicate. We tried making our own cards to supplement the set, but it really needs to be done by someone who is not going to be playing to make it fair (maybe someone should sell Australian or even more specific like Flinders Uni versions of cards for when you have memorised the whole set as we now have).

Taboo is a game that can be put to good use as an icebreaker if you want to get to know

people better or bring people together. It is fun enough and casual enough to play at a party without turning the party into just a game. It does require basic English language and basic literacy but it does not require sobriety or an ability to understand complex rules (when we were too drunk to score the game we just dispensed with scoring and everyone claimed to have been “winning”.

Surprising combinations of people can team up to win Taboo (siblings sometimes seem to read minds which is not cool unless you are one of them).

Give this one a go.

Monopoly: e e e e I remember a long, long time ago having an argument with my then mother-inlaw about her son playing Dungeons and Dragons. Her argument was along the lines of it being an evil game which causes scary behaviour in people through normalising amoral and even outright evil behaviour. I countered that by her argument Monopoly should be banned as it impoverishes others, normalises greed and the casual cruelty inherent in a Capitalist view of the world. To win Monopoly you merely need to get ahead by buying the orange properties and putting hotels on them as quickly as possible, but to get super-rich before winning you can

cynically use the false-charity of hand-outs to keep your opponents just viable enough to stimulate the economy while you accrue an extra few millions.

Am I advocating that we ban Monopoly?

Not really. I have been playing, enjoying and winning Monopoly since I was about six years old (yes, I was THAT kid) and I haven’t yet turned into Gina Rinehart.

It is fun to make house-rules, such as the person who lands on free-parking gets a huge tax-break of everyone else’s taxes and bills. It’s a barrel of laughs circulating paranoid discourses between other players to turn them against each other meanwhile secretly sitting on a surprisingly large stack of $500 notes that no one knows you’re stockpiling. And, as I mentioned above, the most desirable properties are the orange ones, not the all flash and no return dark blues. My winning combination was alwaysall the railroads, both shades of purple properties and orange properties- and only then I would add whatever my crawling debtors would offer me as tribute for not bankrupting them outright (mu-ha-ha-haha). Goodtimes!

The less than ideal thing about Monopoly is it’s one of those games that goes forever, aptly named as it can Monopolise a whole

day (or when I was a child, a whole 2-week holiday). Everyone tends to know and love it, and have different house rules they claim as canonical, so there needs to be a lot of squabbling and looking up rules unless you have regular Monopoly friends. And then the biggest question is which type of Monopoly do you want to get? I grew up on Canadian (don’t even ask), but these days I tend to be lazy and favour the electronic version (although it is harder to hide the extent of your wealth without a Swiss bank account option that they totally should introduce.) I also quite like the Star Wars version since I saw a skit where the property owner said: “Luke, I am your landlord.”

My son likes Catopoly. Cuter versions still have the little man in the bowler hat on the Chance and Community Chest cards (getting second prize in the beauty contest and all that).

One last word of advice for people who want to unleash their inner evil capitalist: if you are likely to be the main or only person who can afford houses and hotels, you might want to get in while “shuffling” the chance cards and palm “street repairs.” You’ll thank me later. s

Words by Stef Rozitis

33

ZINE REVIEW

Better things to do:

The early history of Canberra Straightedge

From all of the reading I have ever done on straightedge communities, I get the impression that they are filled with people who struggle to find and hold onto them.

Whether they are drawn to the lifestyle due to a family history of substance abuse or as a form of group recovery therapy, they seem to be filled with people who are both exercising the pent-up rage they feel toward a world that dealt them a shit hand or are hiding from the part of themselves that knows the lure of chemically-induced oblivion is too magnetic to stand too close to.

Long story short, Ian Mackay of Minor Threat pens a song called Out of Step (not Straight Edge as stated in the zine) that tells his personal story of feeling disenchanted with the hard-living hardcore scene in New York. The hard-left turn that it represents in terms of challenging the accepted social paradigm of the subculture, combined with the striking visual imagery of the X symbol that served as a marker for underage punters in licensed venues drew a following of the similarly disposed. This was the birth

of the edge as a musical sub-subculture and

thing you don’t do. Taking up the edge and

as a lifestyle.

setting yourself up with a couple of Xs on your hands and a ‘drug free’ Jansport just

While the edge community in larger cities

doesn’t seem like a terribly sophisticated

has fluctuated in size over the years, the

way of learning to navigate the complexities

Canberra scene as shown in Better things

of social development in a community that

to do appears to have consisted of about

embraces the responsible use of mind-

ten people and to have lasted about a

altering substances.

decade and a half. While not drinking and taking drugs is nothing new, it takes

A happy medium isn’t just a lady with a

quite a bit of commitment to do it in an

Ouija board lying in a hammock. Physically,

organised fashion. The intentions started

the zine is well put-together with an

out pure enough, with a loose group of

excellent selection of archival tour posters

acquaintances all glomming onto the ideas

and photos of the central members of the

set forth by bands like Youth of Today

Canberra straightedge community. Being

and Gorilla Biscuits (why you would name

block justified would have improved the

your straightedge band after a euphemism

visual appeal. The interview style of the

for Quaaludes is beyond this author) and

publication would have benefitted from

decided to eschew the demon drink.

a bit of distillation as there is quite a bit of similarity in the answers provided in

As someone who has a good chuckle every

response to the questions. Overall a solid

time he passes by the Women’s Christian

effort about an interesting cultural curiosity.

Temperance Union building down by the airport, I can’t say I have much in the way of respect for the straightedge community. It just doesn’t strike me as terribly grown-up to build a community of interest around a

WORDS BY SHAUN HOBBY

POETRY/PROSE

II. Assumption I. Loneliness I used to fall asleep with my hand holding her breast Now I lie with my head nestled in his chest All that matters is the beat of that rhythmic heart Steady, sound Syncing with my breath Drowning the daily, persistent hum

By Caitlin Hennessy

The Others To everyone else you may be just a person But to me you make the world better, not worsen You make us and not a day goes by Without me wanting to hear your voice and look into your eyes In a heartbeat I know that time can be taken If only I could bring back yesterday when I awaken I know what I would say I know the emphasis I would put on everyday And as I look out over the sea I hear a voice in the air telling me There is nothing better than the ones, who are always there for you

By Tim Walter

I like sex.

At least, I think I do.

No, I’m sure I do.

It’s just sex doesn’t necessarily mean to me what it means to you.

Too often in my life men have told me that ‘sex’, for me, is something new, Something only they can invite me to And to them I want to say ‘Fuck. You.’ Although in the context that’s almost certainly what I should not do.

For fear that it might be mistaken for permission For some phallus-bearing Y-chromosome ‘male’ to teach me a ‘lesson’; The smirk on his lips so full with assumption As though he has been waiting for his turn, for my ‘turn’.

And sure, sex can be male or female or any other anatomy, I just I want someone from whom I can learn, for whom I yearn, Knowing that they’ll never try to limit me, never try to get this out of me Because a minority that could love the majority is, in some ways, the best to be.

In this naturally self-centered, ego-centric existence, ‘normal’ can’t rely on conformity, ‘Normal’ is in the individual, ‘normal’ is what I see So your restricted, halved love is strange to me.

I want someone to lie down and rest with me, To stretch, and breathe, and caress with me And talk about television shows, and social identity and poetry with me, To drink Sangria and green tea with me.

I want to find a candidate to suit this current body But I can sure as Hell tell you that if ‘sex’ is a power trip for you, Something other than an equal experience for two (or more) Then Fuck. You. And by my definition, ‘sex’ is something you’ll never do.

By Caitlin Hennessy

35

FICTION

The Glow of a lovely Day Words By Nathan Erdely

I wake up and walk into my kitchen and get out a lettuce from the crisper.

I eat a single leaf, drink a cup of coffee and sit outside, watching the sun rise.

Getting into my car, I place a single red skittle between my tongue and teeth for safe keeping. I drive to the theatre, periodically sucking upon

the skittle while whistling the tune ‘Do You Wanna Dance’ by the Beach Boys.

Now I’m sitting in the front row watching a children’s performance of Hamlet. As Hamlet performs the ‘To be or not to be’ speech I slowly unwrap a Mars Bar and gaze longingly at its brilliance. Then I throw it up in the air and catch it in my mouth like a pelican. I chew on the chocolate

while attempting to grin. After the performance I approach Christina Millsgate Ferrington, who played Ophelia, and congratulate her on a dynamite performance while chewing on some Cola flavoured bubblegum.

(Brand: Unknown) She says ‘You’re welcome’ and goes off to talk to her agent.

37

I leave the theatre and walk into a 24 hour convenience store and purchase a Time magazine, a Hyper magazine, three different newspapers, a Woman’s Weekly, the latest issue of Cosmo, New Idea, Playboy and Better Homes and Gardens, as well as three classic Magnum ice creams.

‘Cash or Credit?’ The teller asks and I smile at her and wink. I reply with ‘Cheque!’ and I take out my debit card with a flourish and swipe it. ‘Oh my, how impressive.’ She says.

Fifty seconds later I am sitting in the back of my car reading an article called ‘How to teach your man to cook’ while laughing and eating the ice creams.

The alarm on my phone rings and I realize that I am late for my lunch appointment. I drive to McDonalds and wave to Percival, my psychic. He waves back. I order from the menu a Big Mac, a double quarter pounder with cheese, two large fries, a hot caramel sundae, a box of McDonaldland cookies and a salad. I take my order over to the booth and Donald gives me a warm handshake.

‘So Percival, what’s up?’

‘I’m having some anxiety issues. I keep worrying that people are judging me behind my back. It’s getting to the point where I can’t go out to parties anymore.’

‘That’s horrible.’ I say, while consuming a Curly Wurly.

‘I was just wondering if you have some advice for me.’

‘Well, you just have to say to yourself, I like me, and I’m okay with that.’ I say, while nodding slowly. I stick some fries in my sundae.

‘Thanks man. I can still borrow your car, right?’ He says, while covering his face with his hands.

‘Yep.’ I toss him the keys as I swallow some of my Big Mac.

It’s 12.45pm (or is it am?) so I walk the three blocks to my massage clinic. Joanne leads me into a small room and asks me to strip down to my underwear. I lie face down upon the massage table and open up a bag of Doritos. I munch on the nachos while Joanne works my lower back.

‘Wow.’ Joanne says. ‘Have you lost weight?’

‘Yes.’ I reply, blushing.

‘You can really tell.’

‘Thanks.’ I say.

I leave the massage clinic feeling refreshed and alive and so I skip down the street while drinking from a 1.25 litre bottle of Pepsi. I sing the song ‘Good Vibrations’ by the Beach Boys quietly to myself as I pass a homeless man. I walk into my fitness gym and start running on a treadmill. Using my Samsung Galaxy S3 phone I order two large pizzas, a garlic bread, and a 1.25 litre bottle of Pepsi. My order arrives thirty minutes later. I participate in an advanced pole dancing class while consuming a BBQ Meatlover’s pizza. The garlic bread comes second, and provides a welcome flavour change from the pepperoni, ham and bacon. I wash down the garlic bread with the Pepsi. I offer some of the Pepsi to my classmates, who politely refuse. I save the second pizza, a Cheese Supreme, for later.

Jennifer, a friend of mine from way back, approaches me after the class is over and hands me a backpack.

‘It’s all in there.’ She says. I thank her and take the backpack.

Just before I leave the gym I notice a young woman, maybe 26 or 27, has got some food lodged in her throat. I perform the Heimlich maneuver on her and the food, a piece of a muesli bar, comes flying out of her mouth.

‘Thanks.’ She says.

‘No problem.’ I reply.

It is about twenty minutes later and I am

in a record store. I purchase ‘Pet Sounds’ by the Beach Boys, ‘Nevermind’ by Nirvana, ‘Millenium’ by the Backstreet Boys, ‘Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water’ by Limp Bizkit, ‘Take Me Home’ by One Direction, ’20 Essential Recordings’ by Johann Sebastian Bach, the Titanic soundtrack, ‘My World’ by Justin Bieber as well as its sequel (of sorts) ‘My World 2.0’, and finally a poster of Taylor Swift. While purchasing these items the attendant, who has dreadlocks, says I have excellent taste in music, and that I am also keeping him in business. I flash him a smile while sucking on a lollipop.

I take out a CD player from my backpack, as well as a pair of vintage 80s rollerblades.

I skate down Rundle Mall while listening to the Titanic soundtrack and also consuming some KFC Wicked Wings that Jennifer was kind enough to include in my backpack.

Once I have finished the Wicked Wings I feel disappointed for a short while, but then I remember that Jennifer also included a few rinds of bacon in the backpack. I take them out and dangle them in front of my nose, savouring the delicate aroma. I consume the bacon caringly while I perform a triple axel over a busker performing the song ‘I Will Always Love You’ by Whitney Houston.

I remember that my first date is at 6.30pm at the Alphutte restaurant, so I quickly rush into David Jones to purchase some new clothes. I get a burgundy military finestripe shirt and a pair of Insitu blue wash jeans.

I decide to keep the shoes I have on. I throw out the clothes I was wearing into a bin. Then I consume a 220gram block of Cadbury fruit and nut chocolate while sitting in the back of a taxi as I wait for the driver to take me to the Alphutte restaurant on Pulteney Street. I meet Anastasia Diane Wilmington at the best table in the restaurant. She smiles at me as I take my earphones out and I swallow the last mouthful of chocolate. She is wearing a full length lynx fur coat which seems to have some red paint on it.

‘Guess how much my coat cost.’ She says teasingly.

‘Uh...twelve thousand dollars?’ I guess.

‘No silly, it was only eight and a half thousand dollars.’

‘Oh.’ I say, while opening a packet of M&Ms underneath the table.

The waiter comes over and asks us for our order. Luckily, I had enough time to peruse the menu to decide.

‘Can I have....a Prosciutto Luganese for entree, a Steak Olympus for the main, Strawberries in the Snow for Dessert, and then after that a Shellfish Ragout and I think we will have a Moet & Chandon Champagne to share.’ I say, my stomach rumbling.

‘And for the madam?’ The waiter asks, turning to Anastasia.

‘A Caesar Salad, hold the bacon and softboiled egg.’ She sniffs, looking into my eyes.

‘Very good. And for the main?’

‘Oh no, that’s it.’ She says.

The waiter goes away and Anastasia asks me to briefly talk about myself.

‘Fascinating.’ She says. ‘I am Anastasia Diane Wilmington, daughter of the industrialist Roger Crawberry Wilmington the third.

Once he dies I will get a lot of money.’

‘I see.’ I say, eating the last of the M&Ms. After I have consumed the last of my Shellfish ragout I notice that Anastasia hasn’t finished her salad.

‘Would you mind terribly if I finished your salad?’ I ask her.

‘No of course not. Growing boys need their food.’ She replies, stroking a paw of the dead lynx which drapes down her chest.

‘Thanks.’ I say.

Anastasia kisses me on the cheek at the end of the date and says that she had a ‘whale of a time.’ I arrange to meet her next week for another date.

My second date is with Courtney Richard Steinbeck at the Wok in a Box on Hindley Street. As it is a blind date I am slightly nervous, so I devour some Fru-Chocs and make sure I am fifteen minutes early.

‘Well...M&M?’ I ask, offering the open packet.

A young man wearing a black jacket and red jeans enters the restaurant and declares in a loud voice: ‘I am Courtney Richard Steinbeck. Where is my date?’

‘No thank-you.’ She says.

I wave over to him.

I eat some M&Ms (three reds, one yellow, and a blue) and then start talking.

‘Hi, I am supposed to meet a Courtney Richard Steinbeck, but I thought the person in question was a female.’ I say, while casually unpeeling a banana.

‘I think ‘God Only Knows’ by the Beach Boys is the best song ever recorded.

My favourite Stanley Kubrick film is The Shining, with Paths of Glory being a close second. I am a big fan of late 90s American boy bands and I think the rivalry between the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync produced some of the greatest music of its era. If I would be one type of dolphin I would be a White Beaked Dolphin.’ I say.

He walks over to my table and sits down.

He shakes my hand. We briefly summarize how we both know Jennifer and we both start laughing at the hilarious turn this night has taken. He says ‘I’m not gay. Not really.’

We sit in a not altogether unpleasant silence before he says ‘Well do you want to go see the movie anyway?’

‘Sure thing.’ I say. ‘Would you like a pear?’

‘No I’m good thanks.’

‘Do you mind if I have one?’

‘Of course not.’

I start peeling a pear while we walk down Rundle Street toward Palace Nova Cinema.

We get there and we can’t decide between Katy Perry: Part of Me and Saw VII: The Final Cut so we decide to watch both .

While Katy Perry is singing ‘Hot and Cold’ Courtney confides in me that he once had a girlfriend, but she moved away.

‘That’s too bad.’ I say, while munching on some popcorn.

A preview for a film called ‘Declare Your Intentions’ came on before Saw VII: The Final Cut and Courtney mentions to me that he plays the lead role in that film.

Sure enough I see him attempting a dance move and falling down in front of a pretty girl in the trailer. Lots of people in the cinema laugh.

‘It took thirty takes for that scene, and that was the best one.’ Courtney groans. ‘It was so embarrassing.’

I contemplate this for a while eating a turkey, tuna, egg and avocado sandwich. I think really hard about what Courtney just said while I wash the sandwich down with a mix of Pepsi, Fanta and Mountain Dew. ‘It’s about to start.’ Courtney says.

‘You know, Courtney, I’ve been thinking.’

I say, as I chew on a buttered corn cob.

‘You just have to say to yourself: I like me, and I am okay with that.’

‘Uh huh.’ I say, finishing the banana.

39

Film Reviews Transformers: Age of Can We Please Fucking Stop These Things Now?

Two hours and thirty-seven minutes. This should be almost all that is necessary to say about this film. You’re either going to love every bit of fortune-cookie wisdom offered up by surprisingly selfreflective douchebag transforming toaster on wheels, or you’re going to have to physically restrain yourself to keep from from running for the exit.

But, you’re not supposed to notice that you’re being force-fed an overly didactic lesson in the value of individual selfdetermination and sacrifice for the greater good. You’re supposed to be looking at all the great big explosions. You’re supposed to be looking at Hong Kong being torn the fuck apart. This is yet-another episode of “robots-who-kind-of-look-like-other-stuffwhen-they’re-not-being-robots-beatthe-ever-lovin’-shit-out-of-each-otherin-a-densely-populated-area-without-acare-in-the-world-for-how-many-punyhumans-they-flatten. Although, in classic style, somehow all the humans seem to conveniently disappear at strategic moments.

Mark Wahlberg replaces the growing cast of extraneous skin-suits in this latest installment of the universe-spanning battle between two sets of robots with no clear reason for fighting. Seriously, Optimus Prime and Megatron need mediation, not military support. Seriously, does anybody even remember why these guys are still fighting? Cade Yeager is pretty much these to prove that if you try hard enough to make it in America, eventually success literally fall

out of the sky and you’ll get to wail on robots with surprisingly human-sized alien assault rifles. Did I blink at the wrong moment?

But, it wouldn’t be a glorious Michael Bay explodey-fest if all that happened was that the guy whose family aids and abets the fugitive alien freaking robots just spends the rest of his life in an underground cell somewhere behind the Iron Curtain where he can’t cause trouble with the Fox News audience.

Additionally, I’m kind of puzzled by the fact that in the broader world that surrounds all the shooting and exploding robots, there seems to be a world that adapted pretty well to the fact that they are not only not alone in the universe, but that some of the things that probe in the night might just be hiding out in their garage.

This film has a number of elements that fall squarely in the “so bad it’s good” category.

Kelsey Grammar is a delightfully clichéd CIA black ops coordinator, whose repeated attempts to trot out tough guy turns fall flat.

Stanley Tucci hams it up as the seriousscore-multiplier-billionaire industrialist who reverse engineers Transformer technology into the world’s fastest, walking talking, 3D printers. The swirling white blocks are just dumb and honestly, represent a significant tactical weakness as the robots that he builds from them have a serious case of post-reassembly delay. They’re immobile and basically useless while swirly nanobots rebuild the nodding dog on the back

window.

One thing that this film does have going for it, is that it finally features a female character who is important to another cast member as something other than a sex object. Sure, she’s the subject of a fairly dog-eared “secret boyfriend” trope, but Cade’s attempts to both protect and provide for his family lend a human quality to the superfluous human cast that has been sadly lacking from the previous films.

Mercifully we finally get to see the back of the tiresome and now tragically laughable Shia Leplagiarist. He just isn’t there anymore.

The entire cast of the previous films is just, umm, gone. But, that hardly matters, they’re designed to be interchangeable.

Any of them could have gotten squished at any moment by a transforming truck and it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference to the overall trajectory of the film.

Also, Dinobots. Those of you who came for Grimlock’s inability to correctly use personal pronouns are going to be severely disappointed. Ten minutes right at the end.

They wade into the final battle, eat some stuff and then conveniently exit stage left, presumably never to be seen again.

Pity the same can’t be said for Bay’s Transformers franchise. The next film is out in 2016. I can’t wait.

Words By Shaun Hobby

You Can (Not) Advance

fact about reviewing a film that stars “The unfortunate Tom Cruise is that it stars Tom Cruise. ”

a science fiction action/war movie. It is based on the Japanese light novel All You Need Is Kill, which I think we can all agree is a far superior title to the rather generic one we’ve ended up with. Bizarre tentacled aliens are invading Earth and threatening humanity with extinction. An alliance of nations to come together engage in a conflict that looks oddly like World War II, only with more powered exoskeletons and writhing alien monsters. Army PR-guy and smarmy coward Cage (Tom Cruise) is forced onto the front lines after a rather spectacular display of ill-advised arrogance After running around in a panic for a few minutes he is promptly (and rather gruesomely) killed. That’s no real spoiler, as immediately afterwards he snaps awake, and is forced to relive the day of his death again. Then it happens again, and again.. This is when the film really begins - a cross between Starship Troopers and Groundhog Day. where Cage must use whatever information he gains each time he time he dies to survive a little longer next time around. With the aide of bad-ass war hero Rite Vrataski (Emily Blunt), Cage must used the constant repeating time loops to figure out a way to stop the invasion and save the Earth.

What makes the film fun is the combination of character development mixed in with the Groundhog Day gimmick. Although Cage’s attempts to advance and improve his circumstances are constantly thwarted, he slowly but surely grows as a character.

By harsh necessity he is forced to become more selfless, heroic, and competent as the loops continue. Given that his purgatorial situation is bought on by his own initial selfishness, it’s satisfying to watch. Though not as much fun as his repeated, and almost slapstick array of deaths he suffers. Cruise’s death-yelp made me chuckle a bit more than it probably should have. Rita’s a fun character as well as a complete badass, utterly resigned and world-weary. She’s Cage’s superior in just about every way, but without the in-your-face arrogance that often comes with such characters. The only other constant in Cage’s day is Bill Paxton as the loud mouthed Master Sergeant Farell, which I mostly mention because I just like to know that the man’s working.

The unfortunate fact about reviewing a film that stars Tom Cruise is that it stars Tom Cruise. His off-screen antics so overwhelm whatever credibility he has as a leading man that it gives both a reviewer and (I imagine) the general public an odd feeling when saying anything positive about him. Surprisingly, Cruise does a reasonably solid job in the rather enjoyable science fiction action film Edge of Tomorrow, which forces me into this uncomfortable situation. So thanks a bunch, Cruise - your ability to turn in a decent (if unchallenging) performance means I am left without the option to make fun of this film for the next five hundred words. Now what on earth am I supposed to talk about?

I suppose it’s best to start with the premise: Edge of Tomorrow is

However, despite some effective characterization, an intriguing premise and solid black humour, the film is not without flaws. The action scenes lack imagination, the supporting cast are largely a collection of accents masquerading as characters, the third act is much less interesting than the rest of the film and the ending feels like a total ass-pull. However, if you want a sci-fi action film with a bit more narrative creativity than your standard fare, I feel little hesitation in recommending Edge of Tomorrow.

Words By Brendan Whittaker 41

Complete the crossword and send a picture of your answers to stephanie.walker@flinders.edu.au and WIN one of ten free double passes to Palace Nova!

Across

Down

4. Bridge and tunnel exploration of the link between porn and intimacy (3,3) 5. Young Magneto’s junk, just everywhere. (5) 7. La Bruce’s zombie is up with someone, but who? (4,6) 8. Necrophilia? Incest? Just another day in Takashi Miike-land (7,1) 9. Sean Penn plays this tragic San Francisco trailblazer (6,4) 15. Chain Cristina Ricci to a radiator for Jesus. Really, Sam? (5,5,4) 17. Follows a couples counsellor’s sexual awakening in New York City (8) 20. Critically-panned Gallo vehicle features un-simulated sex scenes (3,5,5) 21. Nazi comedy star’s secret life and unsolved murder are captured in this biopic 23. A wealthy doctor completely overreacts to his wife’s infidelity.

Masked hilarity ensues. (4,4,4) 24. This malfunctioning sex-robot causes post-apocalyptic angst for her “owner” (6)

1. Shit’s messed up in the Deer house, but Dot can’t say a word…

(3,5) 2. Suburban skater drama directed by Larry Clark and written by Harmony Korine (3,4) 3. Time is all askew in Gaspar Noe’s thriller (12) 4. Morals get left at the asylum door in this zombie thriller 6. Prophylacterror stalk the streets in this Italian cult gem (6,6) 10. If I cut off your arms and cut off your legs, would you still love me anyway? (6,6) (2 Words) 11. Ahoy there! Nautical-themed porn with a plot off the starboard bow! (7) 12. Biopic of Cuban author and revolutionary stars a recent bond villain 13. Fifty shades of James Spader in this sexy 2002 psychodrama (9) 14. Film about underground snuff industry plumbs the depths of human depravity (1,7,4) 16. She’s just never going to like you like that, Affleck. (7,3) 18. Turning into a leopard every time you’re getting frisky can be a major bummer (3,6) 19. Pioneering porn star tells a dark tale of life on and off the set (8) 22. Let’s not and say we did (4,1)

Say Anything

MUSIC REVIEW

Hebrews Review - Words by Ruby-Rose Niemann

I have a problem with Say Anything albums. At first listen, it’s like ‘Oh, so there’s like one good song and everything else is borderline grating’ and I’m like ‘This is nowhere near as good as their last one’ but then I end up listening to it on repeat for days and sobbing over the sheer beauty of every single line and beautifully atypical chord change.

Their fifth studio album Hebrews is no different. There’s a couple of immediate stand out tracks – especially ‘John McLane’ and ‘Six Six Six’ – but everything else takes a bit longer. ‘John McLane’ sits in the kind of strange, semi-comic, semi-heartfelt territory that Say Anything is known for, although not quite as far into the whacky as their breakout hit ‘Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too’. It sounds a bit more like ‘Do Better’ or ‘Death For My Birthday’, both off their self-titled album. It’s emotive, but it sneaks up on you until you get up to the gang vocals on the coda and it’s just beautiful. ‘Six Six Six’ has more aggressiveness, lead singer Max Bemis spitting the lyrics over music that’s both orchestral and poppunk as hell. It’s furious and catchy

and brutal and believe you me, you’ll want to scream it from the mosh pit next time Say Anything is in town.

The overwhelming theme of Hebrews is kind of the same as every other Say Anything album – Bemis hates himself, but he’s brutally cutting and kind of hilarious about it. This time it’s a bit different in tone though. People have spent years – pretty much since In Defence Of The Genre, if not ...Is A Real Boy – talking about how he’s a has been, about how when properly medicated and not on as many drugs as he can get his hands on he loses his touch, how being happily married with a baby on the way makes him soft and therefore means Say Anything is boring and done. In ‘Judas Decapitation’ all of this gets addressed, some of it sounding like it was directly ripped from reviews and message boards.

It’s kind of searing and brutal and hilarious and I love it, I love it, I love it! Bemis just spits these toxic lyrics and it’s beautiful. He fronts right up to what people say about him, and he famously does not pull punches – just ask Molly Connelly.

Hebrews does eventually trail off a little bit. Say Anything has an energy that doesn’t seem to hold steady across an entire album, ever, but the best tracks are absolutely worth it, and even the slower songs aren’t bad, just less arresting than the rest of the album. The band has changed and morphed with age, but it’s good, they seem to push boundaries while still crafting songs that are poignant and witty and catchy as all hell. Also, the guest vocals are awesome (Tom DeLonge is on here on ‘Nibble Nibble’, it’s rad), spicing up the songs without overshadowing them.

Hebrews is a really, really solid and enjoyable album, following perfectly in the tradition of Say Anything’s previous four albums. It might take a while, but let the album grow on you and you won’t regret it.

I was really looking forward to this album, and I’m not disappointed at all. God, I just love Say Anything so much.

Review Score: 8.5/10

43 43

ART REVIEW

Nicholas Folland Popular science – still 2014 reclaimed microscope parts dimensions variable

Angela Valamanesh Gravity 2014 reclaimed microscope parts with wax dimensions variable, 12 parts

THE MICROSCOPE PROJECT I’m not a big fan of post-modernism. In fact it usually elicits a groan of ‘Please no, spare me from more crap posing as art because the artist likes to think the incomprehensible translates as clever.’ So, it was with trepidation I approached the Flinders City Gallery’s latest exhibition The Microscope Project. What could artists do with a medical school’s surplus of obsolete microscopes while at the same time engage the audience through beauty, purpose and a wider dialogue?

Well, if you are Ian Gibbins who is a poet, sound artist and former Head of Anatomy & Histology at Flinders University, you enlist a group of fellow artists and recommission the instruments as sculptural forms investigating the intersections of art and science in a refreshingly modern yet accessible format. I was pleasantly surprised.

The five established South Australian artists contributing to this show offer the viewer something very different to what one would expect in a project conceived by the miniature unseen world of the “microscopic”. Through the navigation of a foreign (scientific) language, what has resulted is a reimagining of history – who were the possible users of this equipment, who were the recipients, how shall we continue to struggle with connecting the sense of the machine with the intensely personal position of an individual’s body and soul? How does an artist take instruments from a department internationally renowned for its cutting edge techniques and research of the day supporting the visualisation of nerve system function, and relay that into a visual framework reconfiguring it from the purely physiological to the just as complex psychological position? Questions abound.

26 July – 21 September 2014 Nicholas Folland, Ian Gibbins, Deb Jones, Catherine Truman, Angela Valamanesh Flinders University City Gallery www.flinders.edu.au/artmuseum/ Facebook: Flinders Art The potential answers offered in this exhibition are intriguing.

Three of the artists worked in close collaboration and while the two remaining artists produced work independently, because all the artists had access to shared studio space, it is evident there is a cross pollination of broader concepts within a microcosm (so to speak).

The show includes sound pieces, texts, sculpture and installations incorporating not only two scanning electron and fluorescence light microscopes pulled apart to their basic units and repurposed, but also photographic equipment, Polaroid records, hand-drawn slides and schematic documents dating back to the ‘70’s and reconfigured with a common thread of “How do things work?” and essentially “How do we work?” Yes I know, sounds labyrinthine – yet this exhibition has nicely communicated the interdisciplinary goals of the aesthetic, the perfectly engineered and the practical. The viewer of this exhibition should expect the unexpected – a mutual stance which is the core mantra of both a true artist and scientist within their respective fields.

The Microscope Project is supported by Arts SA

WORDS BY JO SCHOFIELD

45

ART WORK BY AMBER HALL

ARTIST PROFILE

JAMES DODD: THE SPACE INVADER Space is always an interesting concept – private space, pubic space,

not only the role of the tastemaker but also persuading the viewer

cyber space, worlds within worlds, and various personal histories

to seek their own answers.

overlapping static and shifting geographies – all of which contain embodied tensions, pushing and pulling us to renegotiate how we

Dodd’s practise is diverse and includes painting, video making, room

relate to the physical world, and in turn, to each other.

installations, the building of structures and a passion for creating push bikes as interactive art. His work is constantly moving and

Think of James Dodd as a street artist in wolf’s clothing, or a

developing with past projects stimulating future investigations, the

creator who has succeeded at altering both the perceptions and

mediums employed are dependent on recognition of place and what

physical realities of context. Underpinning his work is the notion of

that could mean. While at art school, his earlier focus was politically

shared ideas, where private thoughts subversively leak or actively

motivated public interventions. Looking back Dodd admits they

force themselves upon the public realm and the potential broader

were fairly didactic: “full of the raw energy of youth spewing forth”.

responses/outcomes this can create within community. By extending

He now prefers the conscious reflection of political discourse to be

the marginal, his work is both surprising and complex, questioning

more subtle, and this has resulted in powerful imagery evoking the

existence of the Other. Dodd’s paintings have elements of going

that it is a considered decision by Dodd to formally place these

down the rabbit-hole to a darker side where traditional hierarchies

ideas within the elitist environment of the fine art gallery. In doing

are challenged. The combination of content versus the symbolic

so, the gallery itself becomes a tool for his work and its utilisation

form of graffiti overlaid within his canvases says ‘I am here…We

is designed as a spotlight to remind those of us that possibly most

are here’ by those often not just unheard but vigorously ignored in

need it, that everyone is a nomad just passing through and we are all

urbane culture.

entitled to leave a mark that says: “I woz ere”.

While his art at times appears irreverent with a fluid give a fuck

Sabotage is currently showing at the Contemporary Art Centre of SA, 14

attitude, this contradicts the articulate planning involved in the

Porter Street Parkside until 3 September, 2014.

execution of each piece; in the same way Chinese calligraphy looks simple, yet in reality is a skill that takes years to master. His works

BORN: 1977

are confident and contain simultaneous poetic layering of velvet glamour and gritty torn edges – making one initially feel a little off

PRICE RANGE: $200 - $10,000

kilter as you become aware that there are multiple, undiscovered facets to landscapes and territories that you may feel you should be

CONTACT: www.james-dodd.com

quite familiar with.

WORDS BY JO SCHOFIELD His latest exhibition Sabotage continues this theme; Dodd is deliberately shifting, hijacking and hacking to transform that

Left: Exit, 2014, Acrylic on canvas, 137 x 97 cm

recognition. Sure, placing graffiti in a gallery does not automatically

Below: Jukung Bike, 2014

make it art. What makes it art is his perceptive acknowledgment of the importance of circumstance as well as the communication of the intangible semblances of space which many of us filter out or allow to be obscured in our daily navigations. It is interesting and significant

47 47

FLINDERS UP CLOSE

A muesli bar wrapper tumble weeding itself across the plaza.

‘After exams, we can either have a celebration beer, or an ‘oh shit, I failed’ beer.’

Sleep deprived students shuffling into the refectory after exam revision.

‘Going up and down Education Hill is morrreeee than enough exercise for me.’

Students dashing to their cars after being caught in Adelaide’s unpredictable weather.

‘Sick of exams. Like just go home and roll around in our jammies. Like grown ups do.’

Uni holidays = Actual room on public transport!

“You creative types. You’re weird. You’re fucking strange. But I love it.”

More food range in the refectory. Either its new, or always been there and quickly eaten by hungry students so we never noticed.

Students online freaking out because they left their enrollment for semester two at the last minute.

Dear boy with the red scarf, I like your style, but I’m pretty sure you’re a jerk anyway. You are so freaking cute though.

From, Distant Admirer.

Dear Party Girl, We met on the plaza, remember?

We were gonna go to Red Square?

I’ve lost your number, and it’s killing me for you to think I didn’t call you because I was an asshole.

From, Bentley.

“Are you a student here?” “No. I just come here for fun…”

‘Optional reading? Aint nobody got time for dat.’

Dear Asshole who stole my laptop, I have a good idea who you are, buddy.

I have better detective skills than you think. If you just hand the laptop back to security, I won’t press further.

There’s CTV footage, bro.

From, Angry Victim.

To the pink haired beauty on the plaza, I constantly see you working away on your laptop. I once tried to speak to you but my words were wasted because you were listening to music. I’m still trying to work out if you noticed me and my presence offended you, or if you really didn’t hear me.

Love, Jack

ART WORK BY NATHAN RHYS ERDELY

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