CRACK UP’S A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes. The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?” The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.” With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.” __________________________
you off, that’s why! I got spoons hidden all over this house! Keep it up, and your napkin rings are gonna start disappearing.’ ____________________ A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?” She says, “My mom died.” He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.” Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?” She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!” ____________________
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn’t request a last meal or anything special for his last day. A woman wearing a strapless gown and sporting a necklace with an airplane on it spotted a young man As he stands before the firing squad he says, “Actually, staring at her. music is my life. One thing I would really like would be She asked him, “Were you admiring my airplane?” to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with He replied, “No, I was admiring the landing field.” no interruptions.” ___________________ The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead. The inmate starts, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall... .” ___________________________ You see all these mafia movies; Italians are always portrayed as angry, violent people. That’s not right. As far as we Italians are concerned -- hey, listen, we don’t hurt people, but people get hurt, you know? Accidents happen! You walk outside, trip and fall on an ice pick, six or seven times, you know? Right away, they blame Vinny. That’s not right. ___________________________ You gotta fight. You gotta get out the negative energy. Don’t let it build up. You end up screaming at each other over something totally stupid, like, ‘Well, why’d you put this spoon in this drawer then?’ ‘Just to piss
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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day. One day he told her, “You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?” “What is it, dear?” she asked. He responded, “I think you bring me bad luck.” ___________________ Q: What’s the quickest way to a man’s heart? A: Through his chest.