FSView's Best of Tallahassee 2014

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BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

editor’s excelsior! I have to be honest: I didn’t quite believe FSView & Florida Flambeau’s Best of Tallahassee was that special for a long time. I read it cover to cover when I was a freshman, but didn’t think more of it than a couple new spots to try during my four years at FSU. Even when I worked here the previous two years, I remained unconvinced. Nothing more than another assignment to write and another issue to edit. As Editor-in-Chief, my perspective has changed on a lot of things (either that or I finally grew up) (okay not really, but it sounded good). I started noticing different bars, restaurants and establishments proudly tout their wins, going back almost a decade in some cases. Like in Proof Bottling Co. and Bullwinkle’s. Like Pitaria and Atomic Coffee. And for some reason, on the store map in Governor’s Square Mall. I heard the delighted surprise from Madison Social co-owner Matt Thompson when I informed him MadSo won for Best Social Atmosphere (pg. 26) and that we wanted to feature his restaurant (pg. 32). Most of all, we noticed you, the readers. Almost 2,000 votes were cast to determine the results you’re about to read, a new record for the publication. People voted because they wanted their opinion heard and that opinion, at least to us, is important. In simpler terms, Best of Tallahassee matters because Tallahassee told us it matters. I was naïve and wrong. It’s as simple as that. Our idea of Best of Tallahassee is to showcase a wide variety of cultures unique to Tallahassee. We wanted readers to feel they understood Tallahassee’s cultural footprint for the given year, particularly the type of culture unique to and only found in Tallahassee. That’s why we tweaked the process this year to feature Tallahassee more prominently. We limited ourselves to 25 categories that each fall under a larger aspect of Tallahassee’s culture: Food,

Spirits, Establishments. Each category could only be included if it had four local choices, but the category could include more nominations should it be warranted (e.g. Pizza, Bar, Venue). Corporations and chains were virtually excluded. You’ll find no Starbucks or Subways in these pages. These are the places you love that can only be found in Tallahassee. (A quick note: There was some nuance and leniency for certain establishments like Guthrie’s and Gumby’s. Although those establishments can be found elsewhere, they are so ingrained within Tallahassee’s culture that to not include them would be erroneous. I mean, what’s a night out at Bull’s, Proof or The Strip if it doesn’t end at Guthrie’s?) We didn’t exactly agree with all your choices, though. Some places didn’t quite receive their credit we thought. So each editor was given a chance to write about a bar, restaurant or establishment they wanted featured and that you should check out. We also wanted to give you some more in-depth stories about Tallahassee culture (check pg. 4 for more on that). Overall this is a celebration of Tallahassee and its people that create wonderful food, drinks and entertainment for us to enjoy. Thanks. Brendan Bures, Editor-in-Chief

2014 heroes brendan bures as man of steel/editor-in-chief katie dolciato as the dark knight /creative director ondrej pazdirek as the mentor/managing editor of digital k. maxwell greenwood as the speedster/managing editor riley shaaber as private eye/photo editor hillary harlan as The damsel/ cartoonist setareh baig, perry kostidakis & kim hoy as sidekicks/editors carleigh walter & quin lemieux as apprentices/assistant editors Matthew paskert, robert gill & Justin Alley as investigators/photographers addison kane & David walker as task force/staff writers

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

HELLO

FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS! I’m B.O.T. and I’m here to lead you on an amazing adventure through the Tallahassee Metropolis. Come explore the city’s favorite grub, concoctions and hideouts with me.

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

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BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Table of contents

Courtesy of Claire Mitchell

t Pies Tallahassee favorites like Kool Beanz Café, Gaines Stree al natur , and New Leaf Market are known for their fresh n? know ingredients used to prepare each tasty dish. What isn’t provides and sts harve that Ten-Speed Greens, the local urban farm . bikes I pg. 10 those fruits and vegetables all on the back of their

s open a llege buddie co dison o tw n e h ns w getown? Ma What happe eir alma mater’s Colle th cial hotspot restaurant in -one bar/restaurant/so ll-in Social, an a with the s that connect ke any unli community lishment in other estab at sn’t hurt th town. It doe e th me of they have so rink in nd d best food a pg. 32 town either. I

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FOOD....................................... 5 COFFEE....................................... 6 DESSERT..................................... 7 PIZZA......................................... 8 LATE NIGHT MUNCHIES................9 TALLAHASSEE’S FARMVILLE.......... 10 FINE DINING...............................11 BREAKFAST..................................12 BURGER......................................12 BARBEQUE..................................13 SUSHI.........................................14 INTERNATIONAL CUISINE............. 15 HEALTHY EATS.............................16 SPIRITS...................................19 BAR............................................20 DRINK SPECIAL........................... 21 CRAFT COCKTAIL..........................22 LIQUOR STORE............................24 BEER SELECTION..........................25 SOCIAL ATMOSPHERE...................26 ESTABLISHMENTS........ 28 BOUTIQUE.................................. 29 VENUE........................................ 29 APARTMENT.................................31 RADIO........................................ 31 ‘MAD’ SOCIAL SPOT..................... 32 BARBERSHOP...............................33 TATTOO.......................................33 GLUTTONOUS GREASEBALL.......... 35

Matthew Paskert/FSView

torious for Tennessee Street is no rs packed with college kids. As a ba of ip str “The Strip,” the ’s populate e Gumby’s and Guthrie lik s nt joi od fo st fa lt, resu hes from happen if multiple dis uld wo at wh So t. ee the str e massive combined to create on Tennessee Street were pg. 35 t. s Greaseball found ou I calzone? Our Gluttonou

Robert Gill/FSView

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

Everyone needs proper grub after a long day of fighting evil. Luckily, Tally only offers the best for its fine citizens. You’ll find everything from pizza, to sushi, to some fine dining for when you need a date spot for Mrs. B.O.T.

FOOD Hillary Harlan/FSView

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BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Best Coffee Atomic Coffee Setareh Baig Arts & Culture Editor @heysetareh_ Up until just a few years ago, there was a gaping hole in the spirit of Tallahassee—a hole that could only be filled by world-class coffee, carefully concocted espresso and the perfect study spot. Then Atomic Coffee came along. While Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts monopolize most towns, Atomic’s fresh and quality coffee products were key elements to its rapid success in the

Tallahassee community. Located in the hustle and bustle of Tennessee Street, Atomic provides fresh and quality brews, bold and delicious coffee blends and food items unrivaled by large corporate establishments like Starbucks—no other coffee shop can one find chocolate-covered bacon, the fluffiest pistachio muffins the world has ever seen and extra-spiced chai that makes Starbucks tea taste like sugar water. Though it is just a few years old, the local coffee establishment has already boomed—expand-

editor’s choice Black Dog Cafe Brendan Bures Editor-in-Chief @BrenBures

ing to downtown and on the bottom floor of The Luxe apartments on Call Street—and securing prime locations was another key element to its success. The baristas are skilled in the complex art of latte-making, and take pride in delicately creating blends. With its recent expansions, Atomic Coffee has secured its spot in Tallahassee’s culture for years to come. It’s virtually impossible to go back to Starbucks after experiencing the artisanal masterpieces Atomic has to offer.

Let’s ignore that Black Dog has the best coffee in town and focus on its rather shimmering advantage: Lake Ella. Not much can compare to the quasi-serene atmosphere of Black Dog, as patrons enjoy their beverages under tree shade, resting in antique furniture on a wood patio that overlooks Lake Ella. Tired of class? Work? Relationships? Not much can restore faith in tomorrow like that scene, and all while sipping Tallahassee’s best roast. Ignore

the extras and espressos, Black Dog’s black coffee tastes full and robust, with a combination of flavors few coffee shops could compete against. Same goes for their lattes. Baked goods complete any coffee shop and Black Dog has muffins and pound cake so soft and moist that it crumbles with every bite. It somehow remains a hidden gem in Tallahassee, maybe because it’s located a little outside the city or has the misrepresentative label of “hipster.” Whatever it is, they’re wrong. No coffee is worth the coin in Tallahassee other than Black Dog.

Matthew Paskert/FSView

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

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Thanks for voting us “Best Sushi”

Best dessert Lucy & Leo’s Cupcakery

Bring this ad in and receive 10% off your meal

Visit us downtown at 109 E. College Ave facebook.com/JasmineCafeTally

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Kim Hoy Video Editor @kimahoy My boyfriend knows the way to my heart is through dessert. So, for Valentine’s Day this year, he came home with a bag full of cupcakes. Not just any run-of-the-mill grocery store cupcakes. No, my boyfriend is a little smarter than that. He went to Lucy and Leo’s Cupcakery, which was actually featured on the show Cupcake Wars on Food Network. He brought me home six cupcakes, of which I ate two that same night, and the other four did not make it past the weekend. My flavors were

9\jk f] KXccX_jj\\ n`ee\ij `e Matthew Paskert/FSView Carrot, Marble, Chocolate Espresso, Red Velvet, Strawberry Shortcup and Chocolate S’mores, which was my favorite. It is obvious by the first bite that the two owners, Jean and Paula, don’t just create cupcakes. They put care and passion into each individual wrapper, and it shows through the beautiful presentation and the taste. Each cupcake is so

different, but so delicious. The S’mores cupcake tastes like everything glorious about a S’more, but only half the mess. They offer special flavors by season, and even by day of the week, so each time you go can be a new experience. They also offer gluten-free, sugarfree and vegan specialties, so everyone can enjoy a cupcake or two or six.

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FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Best Pizza Momo’s pizza

Quin Lemieux Assistant News Editor @q1014

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When thinking pizza in Tallahassee, only one name comes to mind. Thy name is Momo’s. This place will be a perennial powerhouse in Best of Tallahassee as long as they continue serving the freshest ingredients on slices as big as your head. Momo’s is the perfect intersection between value and taste. This restaurant has

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established a pricing model that won’t hurt wallets or stomachs, as each customer will leave feeling full and satisfied. Momo’s is somehow a known quantity in Tallahassee, but because it’s one of the most friendly and welcoming environments in town, it makes people feel like it’s still their secret little hole in the wall. Momo’s sells amazing pizza and provides an environment for staff and customers alike to be themselves. It’s not only a successful restaurant, but a Tallahassee staple.

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editor’s choice

FSView file photo

Gaines Street Pies Setareh Baig Arts & Culture Editor @heysetareh_ Those who think MoMo’s has the best pizza in Tallahassee have ob-

viously never been to Gaines Street Pies. Their specialty pizza selection is far superior to any other in Tallahassee (I’m looking at you, Mellow Mushroom). The local establishment

provides a diverse and charming menu, with menu items ranging from ‘The McBurger Pizza’ to ‘My, My! Breakfast Pie!’ to ‘Derek Sanders is a Vegetarian.’ Those who don’t want a specialty pie

can opt a variety of other culinary delights such as hot sandwiches, pizza by the slice, wraps, calzones and more. To top it off, their menu is gluten-friendly and veganfriendly, providing dining

options to pizza lovers who can’t always indulge at most establishments. The comic book atmosphere is a testament to the art district of Tallahassee in which it resides, and Gaines Street

Pies is a staple landmark of Tallahassee culture. Gaines Street Pies is an opportunity for food snobs and regular pizza lovers alike to indulge in some greasy, delicious local products.

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Best Late Night Munchies Guthrie’s Brendan Bures Editor-in-Chief @BrenBures Late night munchies aren’t supposed to be a salad or soup. What you want after a bar or party, esteemed socialite, is the most delicious food possible. That is Guthrie’s, the finest fried chicken establishment in Tallahassee. No matter where the

night starts, a full night out in Tallahassee isn’t complete without it ending at Guthrie’s. Only one item is worth a purchase: A Guthrie’s box. Chicken fingers, golden crisp, crinkle fries, sweet crunchy coleslaw, salty Texas toast and tangy tasty Guthrie’s sauce. Few combinations of food, if any, could beat that beautiful box at 2 in the morning. It’s really the only option.

Only item you need to know: Guthrie’s Box : Golden fried chicken fingers, fries, texas toast, coleslaw and special sauce. Perfect for any late night. Robert Gill/FSView

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FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

SPECIAL SPOTLIGHT

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LOCAL FARMERS PROVIDE PRODUCE FOR YOUR FAVORITE HEALTHY EATS Setareh Baig Arts & Culture Editor @heysetareh_ Claire Mitchell gets to the farm every morning at 6 a.m. For six days a week, she harvests vegetables with her business partner Danielle Krasniqi at Ten-Speed Greens, their local urban farm. They deliver produce to local businesses not by car. You can often see them riding their bikes through Tallahassee’s congested streets, carrying trailers of fresh produce to deliver—their carbon-neutral approach to transporting goods. For Mitchell, her farm is her livelihood. However, her relationship with Tallahassee is symbiotic. Mitchell and Krasniqi provide their toxin-free produce to several local Tallahassee restaurants; without them, Tallahassee favorites like Kool Beanz Café, Sweet Pea and Mockingbird, among others, wouldn’t be able to offer the fresh ingredients that Tallahassee locals have grown to love. Buying local and naturally grown food has shown people a connection between the foods they consume and their source—a process that was much more abstract before. “You don’t see landfills and you can’t measure climate change on a daily basis, but you know you don’t want to feed your kids strawberries that have been sprayed with carcinogenic poisons,” Mitchell said. “Do you want to eat something that farm workers sprayed while wearing a gas mask?” Mitchell and Krasniqi’s urban farm harvests vegetables free of chemicals, pesticides or toxins. They have a barter relationship with their landowner in Levy Park, who allows them to use the land free of charge in exchange for their vegetables.

One of the local businesses Ten-Speed Greens sells to is New Leaf Market, Tallahassee’s organic grocery co-op. As a cooperative, it is organized and owned by the community. New Leaf Market adopts the same principles as Mitchell and Krasniqi—eating locally in order to foster healthy and natural eating habits. New Leaf’s Assistant Produce Manager Jamake Robinson describes what he calls the Farm to Table Movement—reducing the miles one’s food has traveled before it gets on their plate. The closer the source of a product, the more it benefits everyone because eventually it all gets generated and redistributed back to the city. Knowing the source of one’s food can ensure it’s not being sprayed with toxins or grown in unsafe environments—something that cannot be done if it’s coming from thousands of miles away. Not only can this have an enormous impact on its freshness and quality, the cost of travel will also will leave a massive carbon footprint. “You get to establish a relationship with your growers, and you get to know the people growing the food for you,” Mitchell said. “You get to see food growing in the ground yourself and how different crops look before they are harvested.” During cooler seasons, Ten-Speed Greens grows salad mix, lettuce, radishes, beets, spinach, kale, green onions and a variety of herbs; while during summer, they grow tomatoes, eggplants, peppers, zucchini, watermelon and cantaloupe, among others. They then sell their produce to twelve local restaurants, of which include Bread & Roses co-op, Andrews 228 and Cypress Restaurant. Gaines Street Pies, a gourmet pizza restaurant located on Gaines Street, gets much of their produce from Tomatoland—Tallahassee’s other urban source of agriculture.

Photo courtesy of Claire Mitchell To manager Michael McKinnon, staying local is crucial in order to make Tallahassee the cultural epicenter people want to live in. “It’s really about being fourteen-years-old and having your friend’s cool mom taking you to see a band that you probably shouldn’t be seeing on the back porch of All Saints,” McKinnon said. “It’s about fostering a relationship with a place where, we’ve all played in bands and all hung out. It’s what we all consider to be our home.” Gaines Street Pies offers gluten-free and vegan options for its patrons and is always giving back to other local businesses and charities—a way they show their appreciation for Tallahassee. “Local business is community,” McKinnon. “Everyone has these towns that are ideal that they want to live in and move to. Everyone has this idea that they can move to Austin, Portland or these places—why not make Tallahassee the town you want live in?” For Robinson at New Leaf Market, his goal is to “Think locally, act globally—acting within our community’s reach on a small scale, and in turn causing global benefits on a large scale. New Leaf’s impact on Tallahassee is just as important as Tallahassee’s impact on New Leaf—a mutually beneficial relationship that fosters growth

and relationships within the community. “There’s no reason that all of our farmers shouldn’t sell out every market,” Mitchell said. “Everyone eats, everyone buys vegetables—if that money could be redirected away from Publix, that money can be spent locally with local farmers, and a huge amount of money that can be funneled back into our community.” Aside from farming, Mitchell often holds classes to teach others self-sustainability and proper farm practices, while New Leaf holds farm tours, fundraisers and events to raise awareness about living naturally. “Local business makes Tallahassee special,” Mitchell said. “It’s a reflection of the population of people who live here, love it here, have invested their careers and relationships here, and you know that the money you spend at these places is going to stay here.” Mitchell, McKinnon and Robinson all have one thing in common—they grew up in Tallahassee have developed a deep passion for the land where they grew up, in which they want to reciprocate. “You grow up in one place and fall in love with it,” Robinson said. “You want to keep it like you remember.”

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

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Best Fine Dining 101 Restaurant K. Maxwell Greenwood Managing & News Editor @KMaxGreenwood College students are cheap. It’s a cliché that has turned into an almost selffulfilling prophecy. That being said, everyone has the occasional desire to put down the ramen and indulge in something upscale. At 101 Restaurant, guests will find a quality-rich experience without dropping a week’s paycheck. It ultimately has the vibe of being exclusive, while still maintaining an inclusive policy: everyday clothes will do just fine, happy hour happens twice a day and the crowd is a mix of students, professionals, politicians and Tallahassee locals. 101 also has an extensive drink menu (the martinis are a standout), making the downtown location a perfect place to relax and down a few high-quality cocktails. A major selling point: It won’t burn a hole in your wallet. But the best part is that, whether you’re a college student or a businessperson, you’re going to feel welcome any time of day, which puts 101 among Tallahassee’s best fine dining.

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FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Best Burger Perry Kostidakis Sports Editor @perrykos

Ondrej Pazdirek/FSView

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If a restaurant is awarded “Best Of” status once, it’s going to be pretty good. Twice, and it’s obviously one of the best in the business. So what happens if it wins it four times in a row? That’s the situation that Wells Brothers Bar and Grill, better known as Monk’s, is currently in. A now four-time winner, Monk’s has become a staple of Tallahassee and the go-to burger joint for all inhabitants and visitors

Wells Brothers bar and Grill

alike. Monk’s is run by two brothers, Matt and Adam Wells, who together have been in the restaurant business for more than 20 years. The experience

shows in the flair and creativity of their burgers that fill the menu far more diverse than your typical burger eatery. Burgers range from “The Italian Stallion,” which is

a pizza burger covered in melted mozzarella, pepperoni and marinara to “The Lip Smacker,” topped with bacon and cheddar cheese and coated with peanut butter.

Canopy Road Cafe

Best breakfast

Ondrej Pazdirek Managing Editor of Digital @OndrejCharlie

There’s the gourmet coffee specialist The Bada Bean, the Cajun-styled Angelette’s, the Sundaybrunch-famous Andrew’s, and then there are the Sweet Potato Pancakes from Canopy Road Café. These golden-brown, fluffy cakes come close to sweet perfection and just might be the reason for Canopy

Road’s continued dominance of the Tallahassee breakfast scene. The remainder of Canopy Road’s appeal is readily picked up by its simple, homey atmosphere, its proximity to Lake Ella, the just-right pricing and of course, the rest of the breakfast menu, which features the casual usuals of American breakfast, served all day. It’s like having breakfast at home, without actually cooking it.

Ondrej Pazdirek/FSView

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Best Barbecue editor’s choice Piggy’s BBQ

jim & Milt’s b AR b -q Brendan Bures Editor-in-Chief @BrenBures It’s strange, but Tallahassee is about as “Southern” as Florida gets: the college football, teeming Greek life, real-life porchrockers, that lovely mix of

country and soul, an overabundance of sweet tea and of course, barbecue. Although it’s no North Carolina or Kansas, Tallahassee barbecue more than satisfies. Jim & Milt’s BBQ comforts with its robust menu, but also its proximity to Florida State.

The meat is the prize of any local BBQ joint and Jim & Milt’s has all the essentials—chicken, beef, pork and ribs. Jim & Milt’s relieves the inherent pressure of deciding just which meat to choose by combining both their chopped beef and pork to one

delicious d licious meat baby; it’s called “Yankee.” It basically begs to be drowned in Jim & Milt’s incredible tomato-based BBQ sauce. The sides tend to be standard fare, but both the Brunswick stew and onion rings undeniably outdistance the rest.

Kim Hoy Video Editor @kimahoy My Momma, born and raised in Tennessee, has blessed me with some of the best BBQ I’ve ever had. Growing up, dinner was not complete without a dry rub and a side of coleslaw. When I moved to Tallahassee, that wasn’t quite the case. I couldn’t find a BBQ place that reached my expectations until one fateful day when I stopped at Piggy’s BBQ. Walking in the door, I was greeted with a smile and the succulent smell of meats. I ordered my favorite: the three-meat combo, with pulled pork, chicken and brisket. And oh, dear lord, the brisket. The gentleman cutting it proudly told me that he dry rubbed it himself, announcing it had been cooking for 13 hours. It cut like cake and absolutely melted in my mouth. Top that off with their signature vinegar BBQ sauce, add some fried okra and a side of Mac & Cheese and I wasn’t coming out of my food coma for at least three hours. Piggy’s is far and away the best BBQ I’ve ever had (sorry, Momma). The 10-minute drive to Capital Circle is absolutely worth it for an outof-body BBQ experience.

Robert Gill/FSView

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Best Jasmine Sushi

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Cafe & lounge

Quin Lemieux Assistant News Editor @q1014

I have spent around two years in Tallahassee looking for the best sushi spot on my own to no avail. I begrudgingly accepted there were no sushi places that stood head and shoulders above the rest. I was wrong. Oh man, was I wrong. Somehow, along my search for great sushi, I had skipped over this gem. Jasmine Café is the perfect mix between upscale college and business-appropriate atmosphere. It’s incredibly

welcoming and their staff is extremely knowledgeable, not to mention polite. All the food is fresh and the effort put in every dish doesn’t go unnoticed. At most sushi restaurants, the soup and salad that comes with an order of sushi is just filler. No real taste, just there so the customer feels like they had their fill. Not here. I genuinely enjoyed those little starters while waiting for some of the most delectable sushi I’ve had during my tenure here. Jasmine Café doesn’t just stand over other sushi spots in Tallahassee—it towers enormously.

editor’s choice

Tally Thai and Sushi Ondrej Pazdirek Managing Editor of Digital @OndrejCharlie

Tallahassee, for its size, is surprisingly heavy on thriving sushi restaurants. Such competition makes the raw fish and rice business especially hard (not to mention risky) on newcomers. Tally Thai and Sushi, which recently opened on Pensacola, is exhibiting all the signs that it won’t be out of prominence for long. Prepared by chef Cokorda Rai Kresna, the rolls range from simple to fancifully elaborate. If you feel like having a bit of fun with your order, try their signature Trust Me Roll—you simply tell the waiter your likes and dislikes, and the sushi chef will handcraft a roll specifically for you. If trust is not on your menu at the time, I recommend the simple Yellowtail Roll ($5), the fried Koi Mini Roll ($5) or the more extravagant signature FSU Roll ($13) or the Miami Heat Roll ($10).

Ondrej Pazdirek/FSView

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Best International Food Pitaria

Setareh Baig Arts & Culture Editor @heysetareh_

Two words: Pita fries. Pitaria is a special type of gem in Tallahassee’s dining staples—its cultural origins are a bit hazy, but that’s why we love it. With food options ranging from falafel pitas to kabobs to babaganoush, Pitaria offers the best ethnic cuisine one can get within a mile from campus. Seasoned with Mediterranean spices and fried into a perfectly crispy treat,

their pita fries are served with their delicious tzatziki sauce. Their falafel is also crispy and seasoned for Tally’s veggie aficionados. Take it a step further and get pita fries in dessert form with their beloved Cinnapita: pita fries doused in cinnamon and honey. Trust us when we say it’ll be

the best thing you ever eat. Pitaria never takes their sandwiches lightly, filling their fluffy pitas with twice the amount of meat and veggies than at any other establishment, and offers it at a reasonable price for college students on a budget.

editor’s choice Pho 7 Riley Shaaber Photo Editor @rileyshaaber Let’s not kid ourselves; Anthony Bourdain isn’t stopping into Tallahassee anytime soon to explore the capital city’s ‘international cuisine.’ Remind you, a cuisine that is dominated by the likes of samurai chicken, burrito bowls and whatever little delicacies sat on the buffet line at the shortlived Ruby Express. Sure, these offerings hold an important place in a college student’s diet, but they lack the depth

of flavor we drool over while watching No Reservations at 2 in the morning. Despite the clutter of mediocrity though, there are a handful of restaurants in the 850 that deserve praise. Pho 7 is one of them. Located across W. Pensacola from Los Compadres, the Vietnamese eatery is a go-to destination for a taste of the east. And while the menu is expansive, I limit myself to the restaurant’s marquee dish–Pho (pronounced fuh, for those too timid to order any foreign dish they can’t

pronounce). The Vietnamese soup, a combination of succulent beef broth and tender rice noodles, is served with your choice of protein and accompanied by a bouquet of thai basil, cilantro, bean sprouts, lime and sliced jalapeño. The fresh herbs and condiments then steep in the warm broth, creating a flavor profile that is both complex, yet delicate. Open for lunch and dinner daily, Pho 7 is as convenient as it is tasty, making it one of Tallahassee’s best international eats.

Robert Gill/FSView

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FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Best Healthy Eats Kool beanz Cafe Setareh Baigg Arts & Culture Editor @heysetareh_ Located on Thomasville Road, Kool Beanz CafĂŠ is not only a phenomenal spot for gourmet cuisine in Tallahassee, it also offers healthy options for those shying away from the abundance of fast food around campus. Their menu is diverse and ever-changing, providing fresh, local ingredients like spring greens, green apples and even sage. While Tallahassee is ďŹ lled with fast food and processed junk, Kool

B e a n z makes eating healthy easy. Their wine and beer selection is equally impressive, offering extensive choices for every type of palette, offering wine by the glass or by the bottle. The walls are adorned with art pieces created by local artists, and the restaurant offer a cutesy green and blue interior to eat gourmet healthy food, but with a relaxed and casual atmosphere. Their motto says it all: “Eat, drink & talk loud– you’re among friends!�

Ondrej Pazdirek/FSView

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MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

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BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

SPIRITS hiccup B.O.T.s need a place to let loose. There are plenty of different concoctions and locales for everyone. Just try not to go too hard like me.

Hillary Harlan/FSView

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BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Best BAR Bullwinkle’s

K. Maxwell Greenwood Managing & News Editor @KMaxGreenwood

Robert GIll/FSView

Few establishments in Tallahassee have such a recognizable façade as Bullwinkle’s Saloon–on the outside, the bar has a campy old-western storefront that looks as if (and actually might be) falling apart. And, unsurprisingly, the interior isn’t much better. But that’s not why we love Bull’s. The bar has become a kind of nightlife institution in Tallahassee, and with good reason. With specials like all-you-can-drink top shelf, live music and two stories of outside decks, Bull’s is the perfect alternative to the Strip for the 21-and-up crowd, meaning you can get as wild as your heart desires, es, while still drinking whiskey that isn’t Kentucky ky Deluxe and socializing ng with people that don’t have black Xs marking their hands. Granted, you won’t find Knob Creek or Grey Goose ose on Bull’s top shelf. But the liquor is still above par, ar, and for the price, you’re re really getting a one-of-a-kind experience.

FSView

Hillary Harlan/

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

Best Drink special Bullwinkle’s

Bullwinkle’s Saloon doesn’t look like much from the street. But when you turn 21 and are finally allowed to enter the sacred land, it is glorious. You approach the door, wallet in hand. The doorman says “$10, please.” Then, they hand you your own Holy Grail, an 8 oz. plastic cup. You walk to the bar, ask for

your favorite drink (personally I like a Jack and ginger) and the bartender pours your requested concoction. Repeat eight times. Bullwinkle’s is heaven on a college budget. We are all used to paying $5 for cover and then at least $3 for a cheap liquor drink. To have a good night will cost at least $20 almost anywhere in Tallahassee. But Bull’s? Pay $10

and drink top shelf liquor all night. On their website they describe it as “$10 AYCD TOP SHELF BUFFET!” Put the words “all you can drink” and “buffet” anywhere near each other and I’m there. And don’t even get me started on the Thirsty Moose cards. I paid $75 and I get to drink for free until August 22. My liver hurts just thinking about that one.

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Thank you for liking us! www.facebook.com/GainesStreetPies 507 W Gaines St Tallahassee, Florida 32301 (850) 765-9275

Robert Gill/FSView

Kim Hoy Video Editor @kimahoy

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Thank you for voting us Best Barber Shop!

Give us a call today! 8850-539-4098 0 39 098 www.renegadebarbershop.com

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BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Alchemy

Best Cocktail K. Maxwell Greenwood Managing & News Editor @KMaxGreenwood

Nostalgia is a funny thing. People will go to incredible lengths to recreate the past, and at Alchemy Spirits and Concoctions, that’s exactly what has happened. Accessing Alchemy isn’t necessarily an easy venture–reservations are encouraged, a dress code is strictly upheld and guests are required to abide by certain etiquette. But once you’re in, it’s as if you’ve stepped

back in time into a prohibition-era speakeasy. Where Alchemy really stands out, though, is in its cocktails. The bartenders, endearingly referred to as “alchemists,” work with you to get your drink of choice just right. Don’t expect to order a vodka-cranberry here; Alchemy’s cocktails are authentic, and while they may take a while longer to concoct, they’re well worth the wait–and the price. The speakeasy’s drinks start at around $10 a piece, but one sip will assure you that your money was well spent.

The mixing process is a production, and the alchemists actually care about your cocktail, meaning that, no matter what you order, it’s sure to please. It’s a nice break from the typical Tallahassee bar scene, where minimally trained bartenders rush to pour your drink as fast as possible before moving on to the next customer. If you’re looking to mix up your Friday night routine, put on a collared shirt or a cocktail dress and indulge in what just might be called alcoholic perfection.

FSView file photos

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

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Thanks Florida State for voting us Best Burger again! Thanks to the whole FSU family for your continued support at both Wells Brothers locations!

Wells Brothers Bar and Grill 1710 W. Tharpe

Midtown Caboose 1406 N. Meridian

Thanks for voting us Best Boutique two years in a row!

Stop by at 2020 W. Pensacola ensacola St and don’t forget to like us on Facebook & follow us on Instagram!

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BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Best Liquor Store Ondrej Pazdirek Managing Editor of Digital @OndrejCharlie Proof Bottle Shop is renowned for its selection of first-class liquors and quality American and foreign craft beers. The store houses the largest assortment of craft beer in North Florida— over 200 bottled, top rated brews (all beers rated 90 and above are labeled on the shelf).

But, from the range of choice and quality beer, what keeps the customers coming back? “Passion and knowledge,” said Carlos Saez, Director of Operations at Proof, of his staff. The guys working at the bottle shop are not only beer enthusiasts themselves, most are also Certified Cicerones® who have proven their expertise in beer, and are ready to lend an expert’s advice.

Ondrej Pazdirek/FSView

Proof Brewing Co. Bottle Shop

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

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Thanks for voting us as your

B E S T HEALTHY EATS

Brendan Bures Editor-in-Chief @BrenBures

Proof

Brewing Co.

One of the great truths about ut growing up is that not much uch changes, only the details do. Old aphaph orisms like a kid in a candy shop evolves into an adult in a beer bar. Nowhere is that metaphor more true than Proof. Imagine that great edible candy forest scene in Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory: “Come with me, and you’ll be, in a world of pure inebriation.” That’s essentially Proof, but better. Pale ales, Prohibition-style lagers, Hefeweizens, imperial stouts, witbiers, IPAs. Proof has it all, available from all over the country and world, including brews crafted in store by Proof themselves. If there’s any particular brew you prefer, Proof will have it. We’re personally big fans of Proof’s raspberry beer, a must for any customer. With taps in both floors of this bar, Proof appeals to all. They also serve top-quality liquor, but the beer is the real star. Try not to fall too deep in Proof’s swimming pools.

Among Friends!

“

Best beer selection

Drink & Talk “ Eat, Loud – You're 921 Thomasville Road 850-224-2466

KoolBeanzCafe

be a part of the

TRADITION WE ACCEPT FLORIDA PRE-PAID

2 BEDROOMS 2 BATH APARTMENTS INDIVIDUAL LEASES STARTING AT $510/MONTH!

s Patrolled by FSU PD s Blue Light Safety Trail located throughout community s Public Transportation center and bike trail to campus

HERITAGE GROVE

Matthew Paskert/FSView

1947 Heritage Grove Circle Tallahassee, FL 32304 850-645-3333 www.Heritage-Grove.org

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BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

Best Social Atmoshpere Madison Social Addison Kane Staff Writer @delikinisis

Ondrej Pazdirek/FSView Robert GIll/FSView

On Saturdays at 11, the six garage doors surrounding Madison Social open up to Madison St. and S. Woodward Avenue, showering brunch patrons with ample natural light and providing the ideal backdrop for their signature ‘Man-Mosas’ and ‘Steak Benedict’– Doak Campbell Stadium. With weekend brunch from 11-4, and lunch, dinner, happy hour and late night specials weekround, this 2000 square -foot ‘Social House’ is

spearheading Colearheading the C legeTown bar scene with its wide range of opportunities for talking, eating and drinking in large or small groups. Wooden tables, clean concrete floors, spacious outdoor patio seating, multiple TVs and DJs make for a friendly, dynamic environment, most of all conducive to socializing. The same goes for Madison Social’s classic industrial look, expansive premises, open kitchen and two distinctive bars create an open, lively ambience never too loud for conversation, allowing for all that its name implies.

editor’s choice St. Michael’s Pub

K. Maxwell Greenwood News & Managing Editor @KMaxGreenwood St. Michael’s Pub lacks the trendiness of Proof, the hard-partying sociability of Bullwinkle’s and the nostalgic etiquette of Alchemy. But what’s left is something beautifully

underrated: A good old-fashioned pub atmosphere. Here, you won’t fight crowds for drinks, you won’t burn a hole in your wallet and fresh air is something that you might have to leave at the door. (Point of information: Smoking is allowed inside.) This all makes St. Mike’s the perfect place to get togeth-

er with friends and have a few beers, which has become a kind of rarity in a high-energy college town. Located near the intersection of West Gaines and South Macomb streets just north of Railroad Square, St. Mike’s is a low-key pub where dartboards and pool tables are still considered a viable form of entertainment. It’s a wonderfully re-

laxing escape from Tallahassee’s regular bar and club scene, where the only interaction you might have with a stranger is an awkward hookup. You’re not going to take shots at the bar, you’re not going to drunkenly grind to loud music; you’re going to enjoy the experience of drinking as it was meant to be enjoyed: With friends and good conversation.

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

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STAY IN... 9 foot Ceilings t Microwave, Disposal & Dishwasher Washer & Dryer t Refrigerator with Icemaker Tile Floors in the Entry & Kitchen Private Balcony or Terrace t High-Speed Internet Extended Cable including HBOt Two on-site Tanning Beds 24-Hour Computer Center with Free Internet, Printing & Scanning State-of-the-Art Fitness Center t Two on-site Tanning Beds

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850-574-5900 | www.west10apts.com | 2614 West Tennessee Street

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Had your fill of food and spirits? Here’s some of the best of the rest Tallahassee has to offer.

Hillary Harlan/FSView

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

ESTABLISHMENTS

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

Justin Alley/FSView

Henri Girl

Best Boutique Carleigh Walter Assistant News Editor @CarleighWalt

With football considered a religion around Tallahassee, it’s easy to forget that the town has a sprawling fashion scene. Although leggings and spirit jerseys, sweatpants and FSU hoodies are considered typical class attire for some, others fiercely care about what they wear. But for those who wish to rise above the norm, Henri Girl Boutique stands out as a spot of trendy paradise.

For a fashionista, college is a confusing time of balancing what you want with what you need, and the people at Henri Girl really seem to understand that. With a range of choices, great deals and a location relatively close to the Florida State campus, Henri Girl earns its title of Best Boutique. At Henri Girl, you’ll find clothes you actually want to wear, without having to drop a small fortune, making the boutique perfect for a fashion-conscious college crowd.

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

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Best Venue

s ’ e l k n i w l l Bu Addison Kane Staff Writer @delikinisis

Robert Gill/FSView

Just past the Zaxby’s on Tennessee St., Bullwinkle’s Saloon offers up a pitcher of traditional Tallahassee nightlife that just so happens to include live music 2-3 nights a week – a potential halfweek considering that they’re closed on Sundays. Unpretentious, unintimidating and effortlessly casual, Bull’s popular live music selections cater to a variety of tastes, providing a local alternative rock soundtrack on the outside deck, and if that doesn’t suit your par-

ticular fancy–a DJ and large dance floor in a nearby room. If you don’t care for music much at all, there are also giant screens on the top deck, playing ESPN by bars on the porch. Boasting a semester-long membership program, available by purchase of the $70 ‘Moose Card’ – the venue allows purchasers ‘AYCD’ (‘all you care to drink’) service, drawing a large group of regulars and robust fan-base for the local house bands & DJs that regularly perform there, like John Sutton Band, Big Orange Heads, Radio Disturbance, Tyler Denning Band, Yamadeo, Atkamire (like the street) and DJ Reese Darlington.

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BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

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MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

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Best 9TN4T.9 radio station

Perry Kostidakis Sports Editor @perrykos

west 10

Robert Gill/FSView

Best Apartment David Walker Senior Staff Writer @JDavidWalker Apartment shopping in Tallahassee is all about tradeoffs. Location vs. luxury, amenities vs. space, privacy vs. community. Some can pay for both but most students have to choose. West 10 offers affordable luxury at the cost of being rather far from campus. With three-by-three apartments that have three private bathrooms, walk-in closets, and a huge, updated kitchen for under $600 a month, West 10 provides a home worth lounging in. Situated a mile past the Publix on Ocala Road, the tradeoff of West 10 is being just under 3 miles off campus, which is a quick drive but a long walk. If you have a car or don’t mind taking the bus and are looking for affordable luxury, West 10 may just have it all.

Tallahassee may have the bright lights and hustle and bustle of a college town, but when it comes down to it, it still remains a southern town. Tallahassee’s Country 94.9 TNT has been named the best radio station in Tallahassee, and for good reason.

With its lineup of Jeff Horn & Jason Taylor in the morning, Billy Greenwood in the afternoon, Big Woody Hayes taking the evening and Michael J. Fox taking the night shift, listeners are constantly able to listen to the best country available. An iHeartRadio station, 94.9 also serves as the radio affiliate for Florida State athletics, broadcasting Seminole football and basketball games.

editor’s choice The Osceola Quin Lemeiux Assistant News Editor @q1014 When it comes to student living, there is not a more complete apartment complex in Tallahassee than The Osceola. With so many different choices around the city, you can find apartment complexes next door to campus like Southgate or ultra-luxurious residences like West 10. These have their drawbacks with Southgate offering dorm-style rooms and West 10 being located relatively far away from campus. The Osceola, however, gives the best of both worlds.

It has luxury-style amenities (beach-entry pool, study rooms and a lounge) coupled with a very short walk to campus all at a sub $700 a month rent price for a 4/4. That rent amount also includes all utilities with no cap. So if you feel like keeping your apartment subarctic, you will pay the same price. That’s not even mentioning the surrounding restaurants, which include Chick Fil A, Whataburger, Gutheries and Chipotle all within walking distance. The Osceola is the pinnacle of proximity and luxury and the example of what apartment complexes in this town should be.

Matthew Paskert/FSView

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SPECIAL SPOTLIGHT

FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

‘MAD’ SOCIAL SPOT

WHEN IT ALL COMES TOGETHER: PEOPLE, FOOD & ATMOSPHERE Brendan Bures Editor-in-Chief @BrenBures Tradition takes time. It requires years and generations passing food, music, basic ways of living down to children and children’s children until it becomes rooted in culture. Apparently nobody told Madison Social. Madison Social opened early last fall, coinciding with the beginning of football season, but not only a year old, the restaurant has already become a fixture in the Florida State and Tallahassee scene. While Madison Social has been rightly voted Best Social Atmosphere for a bar in this year’s Best of Tallahassee, the nod doesn’t quite do the bar/restaurant/something-for-everyone establishment justice. Co-owners Brian McKenna and Matt Thompson both went to FSU,

meeting in a public speaking class, and later went on to earn their Master’s together. McKenna–who also owns The Saloon in New York City that serves as New York’s FSU alumni headquarters on game days–and Thompson rolled out Madison Social piece-by-piece, inviting members of the community (the FSView included) to visit their restaurant before construction was even completed. As Thompson explains it, they wanted the community to truly feel part of the experience. Since its launch, that motto hasn’t changed much. Madison Social is chameleon-like in its ability to appeal to all audiences, transforming from Sunday brunch spot, to after-work happy hour, to game day sports bar, to dinner restaurant, to late-night watering hole all within the week. Due to its Social Room that can provide privacy for groups, Madison Social

has already become a hot spot for social events like bridal showers, informal business meetings, birthdays and gathering locale for fraternities and sororities on campus. Much of Madison Social’s instant integration into Tallahassee culture as a social hot spot is due to Thompson and his prolific social media presence. Thompson constantly interacts with fans and patrons on social media, commenting on FSU games or just being his goofy self as he describes it. It may seem like a small point, but it goes a long way in fulfilling their mission of having customers feeling part of the experience. Of course none of this would matter if their food and drink wasn’t excellent. The drink menu has quality cocktails (called Sociables) typically unfound in Tallahassee outside of high society bars. The Madison Mule, a light, refreshing vodka cocktail fused

Ondrej Pazdirek/FSView with ginger beer, lime juice, amber agave and crushed cucumbers, and their Sweet Manhattan, prepared with Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey topped with sweet vermouth and orange bitters, are premium cocktails the bar has to offer. On tap, Madison Social has a fine selection ranging from craft beer to usual bar beer. Their food menu exists between fine cuisine and guilty pleasure. It’s best described as American food elevated by quality ingredients and skilled preparation without pretension or worry of being fine dining. For example, their MadSo burger includes fried avocado, peppered maple bacon, Jameson (as in the

popular Irish whiskey) caramelized onion, house aioli and aged cheddar. Their cast-iron cookie, a baked-toorder chocolate chip cookie topped with vanilla ice cream, chocolate drizzle and whipped cream, is another must-try. What makes Madison Social special, and will entrench them as a fixture in Tallahassee culture for a long time to come, is their willingness to adapt to customers. McKenna and Thompson are always listening and talking to customers, thinking how they can create an even better menu and experience. As Thompson puts it, “You can’t please everybody, but we’re gonna damn well try.”

BEST OF TALLAHASSEE

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

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Best barbershop renegade barber shop

David Walker Senior Staff Writer @JDavidWalker This category is best barbershop and not best hair salon for one simple reason: Women do not change hair stylists. It’s like a form of modern marriage, the relationship between a woman and their go-to person for their hair. Men, on the other hand, have to change their barber because their hair simply grows too fast. And for some men, finding someone skilled with the clippers is not a desire, but a necessity. Renegade’s Barber Shop is not a bad candidate for

men to get a shave. With a college-town vibe and barbers who know what’s up, things couldn’t get more relaxed. The shop itself is large and airy, with flat-screens exuding the dulcet tones of SportsCenter. A beaten up but still comfortable couch stretches invitingly at the shop’s entrance and a healthy line between you and the barber’s chair usually gives you enough time to consider how aggressive you want to get with your new hairstyle. They have three locations, two off of Tennessee and Pensacola for the college crowd, and one off Apalachee for those living well off campus.

Riley Shaaber/FSView

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Robert Gill/FSView

Best Tattoo a i r o h p u E tattoos

Setareh tareh Bai Baig Arts & Culture Editor @heysetareh_ When making the decision to get a tattoo, finding the right tattoo parlor is equally important to deciding what to get inked. Not only does one have to take into account the safety and cleanliness of the tattoo shop, but also find a place that matches his or her own tattoo style. The reputation of a tattoo shop is imperative to ensure that the artwork permanently adorning one’s skin is worthwhile. This year, Euphoria Tattoos solidified their reputation, winning Best Tattoo Shop for the second year in a row.

Around for seventeen years and nestled in their quaint corner on Gaines St., what sets Euphoria apart is not only the immense talent and skill of their tattoo artists, but the friendly attitude that radiates from the workers at the tiny shop in Tallahassee’s art district. Unlike most other tattoo shops, the artists’ ultimate goal is to give their customers the ultimate tattoo experience: providing a clean, safe and sanitary environment, working with their customers to make sure their new ink is absolutely what they want and above all, providing a friendly and fun attitude. A relaxed and welcom-

B.O.T.s can’t get inked, but if I could, these humans seem to like Euphoria a lot!

Hillary Harlan/FSView ing atmosphere is not always typical when getting a tattoo, and Euphoria’s cheerful staff is a refreshing change of pace. The artists work to accommodate those going under the knife to feel as comfortable as

possible. Providing a clean, professional and relaxed environment for its patrons, Euphoria is a fairly priced and overall delightful tattoo experience.

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FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU | MARCH 27, 2014

BEST ST OF TALLAHAS TALLAHASSEE

MARCH 27, 2014 | FSVIEW & FLORIDA FLAMBEAU

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SPECIAL SPOTLIGHT

gluttonous greaseball they told me to Combine everything on tennessee street. they were joking. i took it seriously. this is the

Matthew Paskert/FSView

result.

When science goes too far: How ‘the abomination’ was born on tennessee street Perry Kostidakis Sports Editor @perrykos “What is love?” This question was once asked by Haddaway in his hit 90s single, but we were never blessed with the answer, never granted a brief insight into the true meaning of love. Is it a feeling? Is it magic? Is it purely just a chemical reaction, placed into our subconscious by our inherent need and desire to mate and breed, fleeting as time wears on and our purpose is achieved? If you cannot answer what love is, how would you be able to describe the destruction of what feels like love? I am but a simple man, but my world was destroyed and my ability to love, to feel, to understand was eliminated in one fell swoop, a misguided attempt at science and innovation. The

idea was simple enough. Grab three different types of food available on Tennessee Street (the most central location for a Florida State student), throw them together and consume it. It’s not like anything we haven’t done before. It was standard, it was routine. Some have seen my previous work and labeled me a madman. Others instead look at me as a prophet, while I would argue that I am a visionary, in the same vein as Steve Jobs, Kanye West, John Lennon and Lil B. The accusations of playing God and defying what is supposed to be natural never got to me, never unhindered me. There was nothing wrong with my projects, it was all for science. This time, however, felt different. Originally, we were supposed to have the combination of Chubby’s chicken fingers, Gumby’s “Stoner Pizza” (consisting of bacon, pepperoni, french fries and mozzarella sticks) and Momma Goldberg’s nachos, which are ingeniously made with Dorito’s. It should have been taken as foreshadowing that Momma G’s was closed, but we pushed on, opting instead for the Taco Bell XXL steak nachos. All three were gathered in front of Gumby’s and the ritual began. All were placed on top of the pizza and then folded into a singular calzone, optimal for cutting and sharing amongst the people. The accessibility was supposed to be something for the good of mankind, not the downfall, but this is what

happened. All who came into contact with this...this...this abomination were subject to its dark magic. There was no hope in fighting it and no hope of escaping. Once your mouth had tasted the devil’s food, there was no turning back. The taste was unlike anything that mere words and phrases can describe. All at once, tastes of honey barbeque, steak, chicken, fries, cheese, sauce, nachos, guacamole and sour cream were graced upon my taste buds, and my mind became hopeless in attempting to even think about processing it. It was more tastiness than any human being could ever hope to experience, more flavor than the body was ever made to feel. We weren’t worthy, but we ate it anyway. We weren’t just playing God; we were playing Sims up and I just made two of them mate and create the most beautiful and perfect child in the game. I won. I entered rosebud in the game of life. The victory was short-lived. The forbidden fruit had its revenge, exacting its wrath on the body of those who had eaten it. Brain function diminished and control over motor skills quickly lost. A demon food baby was placed inside consumers and there was much exorcism in the future. The meal, overall, cost almost exactly $30, perfect to split between a few friends if you’re willing to endure the risk of playing with the Ouija Board of foods. Beware The Abomination.

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