Ant Wars 2 Journal — January 2014

January A Journal of my Life with Wilson Vermilingua OBE

Original photographs of Wilson used by kind permission of TamanduaGirl: www.livingwithanteaters.com

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Wednesday HAPPY NEW YEAR! At midnight last night Wilson was woken by New Year’s celebration fireworks; this morning he was disappointed to learn that Holiday Inn does not operate the same ‘A Great Night’s Sleep - Guaranteed’ policy as Premier Inn so he was unable to claim his (or strictly speaking, my) money back.

Despite his broken night, he ate an extremely hearty breakfast, saying, ‘I advise you to do the same, New Dad - a full stomach will protect you against seasickness!’ and then we set off to the docks.

When he first saw our ship, its hugeness came as a revelation to Wilson. He said he’d been expecting something about the size of the Jersey Ferry, whereas this was, as he put it, bigger than a very, very big block of flats!

thursday As we boarded the ship we were each handed a Sea Pass card - a combined cabin door key and chargecard for everything we bought on board.

The first thing we did was to locate our cabin, then Wilson headed directly to the Souvenir Shop to try out his card. He did this by buying an expensive model of the ship, and he assured me that the card had worked perfectly. ‘However,’ he said, ‘I’d better keep on testing it, just to make sure it doesn’t develop a fault!’

We shall be at sea for the rest of today and tomorrow, then we shall arrive in Gijon in Spain.

friday Sea Days are very expensive! Wilson has an unerring sense of what is not included in the cost of our passage… and ordering it. In particular, he is unable to resist waiters seductively calling ‘Bar Service!’ as they pass him. His charge card still seems to be fully functional.

Still, use of the Table Tennis facilities is free, and it will help him work off some calories. I just hope we don’t get charged for all the ping-pong balls we’ve lost over the side, as it’s quite windy on deck!

Tonight is Formal Night in the dining room, then we’re off to see a show in the on-board theatre!

saturday Wilson acquitted himself very well at the Formal Dinner last night. Considering that he had never had a silver service meal before, his manners were impeccable.

Unfortunately we had to leave before I’d finished my dessert as W was anxious to arrive at the theatre early enough to be sure of getting the best seat in the house.

Once he’d settled down, still in his formal attire, he made excellent (and frequent) use of the Bar Service. So much so that, when he remarked it was strange to be in a theatre that rocked up and down, I’m not entirely certain it was the theatre that was rocking...

Today, though, we have arrived in Spain and we shall soon be leaving on an excursion.

It’s not as warm or as sunny as I’d hoped, but over the next few days we shall be drawing close to the equator...

sunday Our excursion is to a little town called Gijon. Cider, or sidra as they call it, appears to be very popular here, because there are a lot of Sidra Bars and they’ve even built a huge sculpture out of empty cider bottles!

Wilson has promised to build a sculpture out of empty Ant Gin bottles in the garden when we get home.

We had a brief stroll around the town, which is very pretty and has a tiny Roman ruin, then on to the ‪Universidad Laboral de Gijon, where there is a church built by the Spanish dictator Franco. He started it in 1946 and never finished it, which seems a bit... imprudent.

Perhaps, as Wilson suggested, he had a short attention span.

Then back into the coach and off to Sidra Menendez, a family-run cider factory in the countryside.

Wilson is looking forward to this!

It is still raining.

monday We drove through beautiful, though misty, countryside to Sidra Menendez and by the time we arrived it had stopped raining.

Following a tour of the brewery we were each given a bowl of olives, some goat’s cheese, fresh-baked bread and an empty glass which was then filled with cider in very dramatic fashion straight from the vat.

Wilson went round several times to have his glass filled as, because there were quite a lot of people there, he thought no-one would notice. Of course, he was the only anteater there, so he was a bit obvious, but still drank four or five glasses and had to be helped back onto the coach.

He told me on the drive back that he’d thought it was just apple juice, and he’d been anxious to get his five-aday.

By the time we got back on the ship he was sufficiently recovered to have an ice-cream, before dinner and another show at the theatre.

Tonight’s show is called ‘Invitation to Dance.’

Overnight we shall sail to Vigo for another day’s adventures in Spain!

tuesday Today we’re in the Spanish town of Vigo, and the weather is lovely - warm and sunny. This is more like it!

First we went up to an old castle which overlooks the town, then we had something to eat before exploring the little town itself.

I saw on the tv that it’s been a bit damp and blowy at home, but... it really is lovely here!

wednesday We had a look round the town of Vigo before heading back to the ship.

On the way to the marina we came across the huge statue of “El Banista del Arenal” (The Bather of Arenal)

by Francisco Leiro, and Wilson became unaccountable anxious. I thought at first that he was intimidated by its massive size, but when I enquired he said he was concerned lest anyone should think he was responsible for knocking it over.

He is really looking forward to tonight’s Ice Show, Cool Art, Hot Ice, though he doesn’t actually believe there can be an ice rink on the ship. But he originally refused to believe there was a swimming pool, either.

Tomorrow will be another Sea Day as we sail on towards Madeira.

thursday Last night we saw the ice show, which was brilliant!

Although the ship was rocking quite a bit, only one skater fell over, which was quite an achievement. Wilson really enjoyed it, and told me later that he’d like to try skating himself before the holiday is over.

When the show finished we went to a couple of bars, drinking cocktails and eating free pizza, then guess what we found when we got back to our cabin? Dennis, our cabin cleaning guy, had folded a towel into the shape of... an anteater!

I think this has assured him of an extra-generous tip from W!

friday Another Sea Day today as we steam towards Portugal.

Wilson passed the morning climbing on the Rock wall, followed by some time in the amusement arcade.

After lunch he sunbathed on deck eating free frozen yoghourts until it was time to change for dinner.

Surprisingly, the frozen yoghourts didn’t seem to affect his appetite in the least!

Tomorrow we arrive at Madeira!

saturday Last night in the on-board theatre we saw comedian Mick Miller. While some of the jokes went over his head, Wilson laughed so hard that cocktails came out of his nose.

Today, though, we are in Madeira, it’s hot and the sun is shining brightly!

First we visited a church, which didn’t much interest W, but then we went on the famous Toboggan Ride where we were pushed down a very steep hill in a basket. It was exhilarating and wonderful, and Wilson said it was ‘the best!’

After that we had a ride high over the town on a cable-car. Once we were back on terra firma W confided that he hadn’t been scared at all.

Contrary to my impression while we were riding it!

sunday Following our cable-car ride we moved on to Blandy’s Wine Lodge in Funchal for a tasting session.

On our arrival we were given vouchers for two free glasses of Madeira wine each... but somehow Wilson applied his charm to the voucher lady and scored some extra tokens. As a result, he has had way too much to drink.

In his defence, he said that the glasses were very small and he didn’t know that Madeira Wine was so... at which point he drifted off.

The voucher lady and I helped him outside for a bit of a sit down, but we had to get a taxi back to the ship.

I really must keep a closer eye on Wilson’s alcohol consumption for the rest of the cruise!

Tomorrow we shall be in Santa Cruz in La Palma, the first of the Canary Islands we shall be visiting - I hope he hasn’t got a hangover when we arrive...

monday West End singer Paul Baker was in the Theatre last night, but Wilson was too hung-over to go. He’s feeling better today, though, and we are now in Santa Cruz, La Palma — one of the Canary Islands!

In the first photo you can see W halfway up a mountain. Once he heard that all the mountains, in fact the entire island, was volcanic he required a bit of persuasion; when he saw that nobody else on the tour was concerned, though, he showed considerable sangfroid and agreed to continue with the excursion.

Later we stopped off for refreshments, where we were given island-grown bananas, a local variety of new potato served with a special relish, and goats’ cheese. There was also local wine on offer, but Wilson wisely declined this and settled for mineral water.

On the way down the mountain we saw a lot of bananas growing. W was intrigued, as he had previously assumed bananas were fabricated by Tesco and the other major supermarkets in factories.

tuesday Wilson was very relieved to get back to the ship last night without Santa Cruz blowing up while we were on it.

Following dinner we went to see comedian/impressionist/ singer Alan Stewart in the theatre and we both laughed so much that W completely forgot about the threat of erupting volcanos.

Tenerife, or La Isla Bonita as Madonna called it in her famous song of the same name, was very beautiful - we drove through many fields of bananas, visited a market, a restaurant and some panoramic views over the island.

We also visited a church, where Wilson was astonished to find coin-operated LED Votive Candles. He is not at all religious, but insisted on putting a few Euros into the slot, because... well, just because there was a slot, I suppose.

When we got back to the ship, Wilson told me that he’d seen enough bananas now. Also, although we’ve been in The Canaries for two days now, he has yet to see a canary.

I told him to ask tomorrow’s Tour Guide about that...

wednesday Today we are in the gorgeous little town of Puerto de Mogan in Gran Canaria! It is stunningly beautiful here, and we spent some time exploring the town and the marina.

Wilson spotted a yellow submarine moored in the marina and, although he doesn’t know it, we’ll be taking a trip on it later!

I expect it will be very different from the last submarine he went on, at Chatham Dockyard!

thursday Wilson was beside himself with excitement after I told him we would be taking a dive on the submarine… although as the time to board drew nearer his eagerness started to desert him.

‘We’re not going to get wet, are we, New Dad?’ he enquired plaintively. He has never concealed his aversion to water, in any circumstances.

He relaxed a little when I assured him that the inside of the sub would remain bone-dry, though he did insist on asking the captain where his life-jacket was.

Once the dive started, however, he was lost to the magical scene unfolding outside his porthole; shipwrecks, bubbles and thousands of fish...

friday Once the submarine trip was over Wilson declared himself to be in urgent need of sustenance, so we popped into Cafe de Mogan for latte and cake before exploring the town a little further.

Then we boarded the coach and were taken to a man-made beach covered with sand dunes, where W could play and run off some of his excess energy.

At the end of the day we climbed back onto the coach for the journey back to the ship, where an eventful evening is in prospect!

saturday Moments before boarding the coach to go back to the ship, Wilson disappeared. I looked everywhere... except up. He had gone to investigate a palm tree, not believing that was where coconuts come from.

On the journey home, W asked the tour guide why he hadn’t seen any canaries in the Canary Islands. The guide patiently explained that Canary Islands or Islas Canarias is derived from the Latin Canariae Insulae, which actually means Island of the Dogs.

Wilson began to say that he had indeed seen a lot of dogs on the islands, but the guide interrupted to say that these dogs weren’t really dogs but seals, as canis marinus or ‘sea dog’ is Latin for Seal.

W thought for a few moments, then told the guide that he had once been to the Isle of Dogs in London’s East End, but hadn’t seen any seals, adding ‘Also, it’s not nearly as nice as here!’

As a surprise for Wilson, we’re not eating in the restaurant this evening - instead we’re going to an American Diner called Johnny Rocket’s! I think he’ll love it there.

sunday Instead of eating in the grand silver service restaurant, I took Wilson to the on-board American Diner, Johnny Rocket’s.

He ordered the largest vegetarian burger I have ever seen, and proceeded, much to the surprise of the serving staff, to sprinkle ants all over it, and a huge ice-cream sundae to follow.

Every thirty minutes or so, the juke-box would play very loud disco music - Stayin’ Alive by the Bee-Gees or Donna Summer’s Last Dance were popular - and all the staff would come out and dance. Wilson joined in with the dancing enthusiastically, although I was a little afraid that after so much burger and fries he might be sick.

When the meal was finished and neither of us could eat another thing, W announced that he had never felt fuller, nor enjoyed a meal so much.

He doesn’t know that the night is not yet over...

monday After leaving Johnny Rocket’s Diner we headed off to the all-night Deck Party!

I must say that, for an anteater who only an hour before had declared himself to have ‘never felt fuller,’ he managed to tuck away a prodigious quantity of buffet food!

After an hour or so of snacking and dancing to the live bands, Wilson ended up rocking on-stage to applause from the partygoers - you’d almost think they’d never seen a dancing anteater before!

Although we boogied until after midnight, we eventually had to return to our cabin before the party ended as we have to make an early start in Lanzarote tomorrow morning!

tuesday Lanzarote! It is very dry here. VERY dry. Most of the gardens we’ve seen do not aspire to more than a few cacti, and even the palm trees have an irrigation hose run to each of them. Water is at a great premium here.

We visited a farm where Aloe Vera is grown and converted into pharmaceutical products such as skin cream and shampoo. The guide cut one of the plants open and gave each of us a piece, saying that we could rub it into our skin or eat it as we chose. I rubbed mine over my arms but Wilson, not wanting to make his fur sticky, ate his sample.

He made quite a lot of fuss spitting it out into a bin. I tried to hush him but he complained loudly saying, ‘But you didn’t taste it, New Dad! It was terrible!’ The guide had said it tasted ‘Special... in a good way’ but W insisted that his piece tasted like snot jelly.

Anyway, I bought some Aloe Vera shampoo and we headed to a leisure park elsewhere on the island, with W still making gagging noises...

wednesday One of Wilson’s friends, Helen, has parents-in-law who live here in Lanzarote. Unfortunately there wasn’t time to visit them, but W says Hello to Helen’s in-laws.

She also suggested that he should look out for the works of famous local artist and architect Cesar Manrique, and by a happy coincidence we found ourselves in a cafe/gallery where some of his awesome work is displayed!

Over coffee W said he really loved the black iron sculpture, but that he thought the volcanoes on the island looked a bit like slag-heaps - I think he’d been expecting something more like Mount Fuji, complete with snow-capped peak and cherry trees!

The landscape here is certainly unlike anything we’ve experienced before - like a post-industrial film set for Dune. On the trip back to the ship, W said he was thinking of writing a sci-fi novel set here.

Tomorrow is a Sea Day as we cruise onward to Lisbon.

Perhaps he could start work on his novel then... instead of spending a small fortune in the arcades and the casino.

thursday This morning we attended a talk about Modern Navigation at Sea given by the captain. It was very interesting, and Wilson asked a lot of questions. So many that at one point the captain asked whether he was studying for his Masters’ Licence!

Afterwards Wilson took himself off for a Bridge Tour... except I’m terribly afraid it might not have been so much a tour as W finding the Bridge door unlocked and letting himself in for a look round. After that navigation lecture this morning, I just hope he didn’t touch anything... a little knowledge can be a very dangerous thing.

Following lunch we went to the ice rink where, exactly 30 years after Torvill and Dean’s Olympic triumph in Sarajevo, W slid uncertainly onto the ice grasping the handles of a stabilising penguin. He told me later that it was much harder than he’d expected and the motion of the ship had made it even more difficult.

I think his fur softened most of his falls.

friday This afternoon, Wilson shot some hoops on the basketball court before heading to the buffet restaurant for tea.

On his way there, he noticed a teddy-bear machine and decided that he ‘really needed’ a new teddy bear. Apart from the fact that Polly-B, Antony and Tiny Toy haven’t once left the cabin, I think that 35 pounds is too much to pay for a stuffed toy. W was a bit miffed - I hope he doesn’t decide to mount a campaign because he will wear me down. Eventually.

This evening there is a Hypnotist at the theatre I am very sceptical, but W is extremely excited and insisted on queueing to be the first in as he wanted to choose a seat where he would have the best chance of being chosen.

While we waited for the show to start, Wilson told me that we are like Gypsies travelling the world; settling where we choose then stealing away by night...

He can be quite poetic sometimes.

Tomorrow, we shall arrive in Lisbon!

saturday In spite of his standing on the seat and constantly calling ‘Choose me! Choose me!’ Wilson was not chosen to participate in last night’s stage hypnotism show. He was a bit disappointed, but mostly it made him very sceptical.

After the show he told me he thought it was all a fix, but he’d bear Hypnotism in mind in case his career in Spirit Mediumship fell through.

Today we are is Lisbon, which is our final port of call.

We’re on the return leg of our journey and after another two Sea Days shall be back in Southampton.

First we went to see the Torre de Belem or St Vincent’s Tower, which was interesting but couldn’t compete for Wilson’s attention with a statue of a bi-plane a few metres away, commemorating the first flight across the South Atlantic. W gazed at it, misty-eyed, saying it reminded him of his ancestor the Blue Baron who fought in the Great Ant Wars of 1921, and also of the time he himself was taking flying lessons. A period I would prefer not to remember...

Next we went into the great Jeronimos Monastery, a huge, late-Gothic building in white stone.

When we got inside, W started running about and shouting ‘Geronimoooo!’ I started to rebuke him, but he said that having been raised a Roman Catholic in Costa Rica he was pretty blasé about churches, and anyway he was only shouting the name of the saint.

sunday Lisbon is a truly beautiful city.

Wilson went on a bus tour and then, not altogether trusting my photography to do it justice, bought some picture postcards of local views.

He really loves it here, and I find it difficult to disagree...

monday Wilson is fascinated by Lisbon’s trams, and asked me to take his photo standing in front of one; unfortunately, we didn’t have time to ride one, though.

Over a beer in a pavement café he asked if we couldn’t move to Lisbon. Or Madeira. I said that Portuguese is a difficult language to learn and I didn’t think I could cope, but he countered that he had heard even young children speaking it, so it couldn’t be that hard!

Maybe his view is coloured by this being our last stop before chilly, grey Southampton and home.

There was some excitement as we left Lisbon and passed under the famous Ponte 25 de Abril Bridge - I think the captain said there was a seven metres clearance between the top of the ship and the bottom of the bridge, but W was sure he’d said seven millimetres and was planning which way to run when we struck it!

tuesday Just two more Sea Days and we shall be back in Blighty.

Wilson isn’t looking forward to the holiday being over, so he’s making the most of the time he has left.

I persuaded him to try the slide into the Children’s Pool. As you know, he HATES water, but he grudgingly agreed to give it a try. He jumped straight out of the pool, but agreed that it hadn’t been quite as bad as he’d feared.

Building on this success, I managed to cajole him into a jacuzzi! He said this was okay, but a bit too much like being in a bath.

Still, you’ve got to try new things when you’re on vacation, and he has - I’m very proud of him!

He spent the rest of the day sunbathing on deck, appreciating the last of the warm weather and sunshine.

wednesday This evening we sat down to our final silver service dinner or, as Wilson mournfully called it, our Last Supper. I think I saw a tear drip into his soup, but overall he was very brave about it, hugging and thanking all our regular waiters warmly.

Later he knotted his bow tie to have his photograph taken with Captain Sorensen, who remembered W from the ‘Navigation’ talk. W thanked him for getting us all home without crashing the ship or sinking it.

Finally he went and stood on the deck, gazing at the distant, darkening horizon. He stayed there for about half an hour before it got too cold for him, and he returned to our cabin to finish his packing.

Neither of us is looking forward to tomorrow - we just don’t want this holiday to end...

thursday We disembarked the ship without incident. As long as you don’t count Wilson breaking down in tears and hanging on to the the deck rail, refusing to leave until security, and then Captain Sorensen himself, arrived to talk him onto the gangplank.

Once we were safely back on dry land in Southampton we checked in at the Holiday Inn for one more night.

I was very tired and had hoped to settle down early, but instead Wilson sat up late telling Polly-B, Antony and Tiny Toy of all our adventures at sea.

They sat spellbound, fascinated to hear about them, as they hadn’t set foot outside the cabin; W had been afraid they would wander away and get lost. Or be toy-napped and held to ransom by foreign gangs of toy-thieves.

Poor little Antony actually thought the holiday was just beginning, not realising that it was in fact ending.

Tomorrow we’ll have a quick look round Southampton, then drive home.

friday We have come face-to-face with the reality of living in England in February: it is cold, it is wet and it is very windy.

Considering how upset he was, Wilson ate a shockingly hearty breakfast. I’ve never known anyone who can down so many double espressos at a sitting!

Following breakfast we had a very brief look round Southampton before setting off for home.

Throughout the journey I had to keep heating very high as W was constantly complaining about cold.