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...Rabbi David Booth

...Mr. Jason Greco

...Ms. Leslie Parkinson

...Levi Diskin

...Mr. Leo Florendo

...Rabbi Ezzy Schusterman

...Mussi Diskin

...Rabbi Yosef Levin

...Nechama Schusterman5

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Foreword Introduction Chapter 1: First Comes Like Chapter 2: Then Comes Marriages Chapter 3: Then Comes Criticism Chapter 5: Conclusion Works Cited

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Friendship Circle: 6WV̉XZWÅ\ Z]V Ja \PM TWKIT +PIJIL KWUU]VQ\a NWZ 2M_Q[P \MMV[ \W PIVO W]\ _Q\P 2M_Q[P KPQTLZMV _Q\P [XMKQIT VMML[ 8

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As a freshman, I joined Friendship Circle expecting to gain insight into the world of kids with special needs, an activity to ÅTT Ua ;]VLIa UWZVings, and community service hours. HowM^MZ \PM VWV̉XZWÅ\ provided me with much more than that; by joining this community, I gained a second family.

The organization, which aims to provide friends and activities for Jewish kids with special needs, is based in the

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Bay Area and headed by a Chabad-Lubavitch couple, Ezzy and Nechama Schusterman.

As members of this Orthodox sect of Judaism, Chabad, they aim to aid others, particularly other Jews, in performing mitzvot, good deeds. Each year, they welcome two new Chabadnik interns from various countries to assist in the running of the Friendship Circle.

My relationship with the ChabadLubavitch community began through

my father’s friendship with Rabbi Ezzy Schusterman. However, my family Shabbat meals at the Schustermans’ quickly transformed into Thursday night, four-hour long philosophical discussions with the Schustermans and the interns. We debated about Moshiach (the coming of the Messiah), pondered the importance of Israel, and discussed the effectiveness of the dating system in the Chabad world.

Not only did this community teach me more about my own religion than I had learned in my ten years

at religious school and provide me the most memorable, formative experiences working with children with special needs, but it also welcomed me in with open arms. I learned that Chabad was not only about God. Chabad was not only about educating others and performing tikkun olam, repairing of the world.

Chabad wasn’t even about wearing massive black hats, super long skirts, and equally long beards. It was about community and hospitality -- values that my family, my Conservative synagogue, and

even my secular community treasure. So what makes our communities so different?

As a high school girl surrounded by ludicrous relationship drama daily, I was particularly intrigued by the innovative methods that revolve around the dating and marriage systems of the ChabadLubavitch world. I decided to delve in deeper to investigate the intricacies of their ways and to possibly return with knowledge that could JMVMÅ\ \PM UMUJMZ[ of my community, one virtually unaware of Chabad to begin with.

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" / % # ( 5 : 0 % " ( / Driving to soccer practice on a Saturday morning, you might pass a group of black bearded men with tall black hats and white strings dangling from their suit jackets. You may see their wives, adorned in perfect wigs and lengthy skirts, working with children with special needs at the Tech Museum of San Jose or answering phones at the front desk of the Jewish Community Center. Immediately, according to their conservative dress, you probably assume that they are close with God and lead Godly lives based strictly on Jewish values. In reality, though most Chabadniks of-

ten reference God in their daily lives, these Ultra-Orthodox Jewish people are much more complex than just that.

Considered members of the Chabad-Lubavitch community, they can serve as inspirations and role models to us all, both in our lives and in our personal relationships.

Dating back 250 years, this Brooklyn-based Hasidic movement aims solely to reach out to the worldwide Jewish community. Though the organization stands only 200,000 members strong, the number of people affected by Chabad-Lubavitch outreach extends much further. After much education

and training, young Chabadnik couples are sent out into various communities around the world to spread Judaic learning and charity, or tzedakah, to all types of Jewish people -- from nonpracticing to Conservative.

Chabadniks follow the teachings of one of the most revered scholars of religion, science, and math, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, also called the Lubavitcher Rebbe or simply the Rebbe.

The Rebbe placed much emphasis on the belief of Moshiach, the coming of the Messiah. He led the ChabadLubavitch movement for 44 years and passed away 11

in 1994 at the age of 92 I[ \PM TI[\ WN [M^MV WNÅKQIT Chabad-Lubavitch leaders.

In addition to the heavy focus on improving their surrounding world, these Orthodox Jews value modesty, hospitality, and deep connections. The romantic relationships of members of the Chabad-Lubavitch community often demonstrate these principles in a manner that should be taken into consideration in the daily lives of non-Chabadniks. Though joining Chabad won’t magiKITTa OMVMZI\M I ÆI_TM[[ marriage, the beliefs surrounding these traditions are inspirational ones.

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Core Chabad-Lubavitch ^IT]M[ IZM M`MUXTQÅML QV \PM romantic relationships of the organization’s members.

These relationships may seem somewhat backwards to the typical American eye, but a closer examination of the process reveals that Chabadniks have a lot to teach us about effective relationships. ModM[\a XTIa[ I [QOVQÅKIV\ ZWTM QV the dating process. It begins when a man and a woman reach dating age, around 2324 years old and 21-22 years old, respectively. Traditionally, the parents or another middleman contact a matchmaker or simply perform the duties of a matchmaker on

their own in search of a logistically appropriate partner for the man or woman. The families of both the man and the woman typically perform in-depth research about the other in order to fully understand the backgrounds of the bachelor and bachelorette.

Once the young adults have been debriefed about their potential partners, they meet up to discuss their commonalities and life goals. Dates such as these may last all day, but men and women of this community are not permitted to touch one another, for it is believed that a simple touch can potentially lead to less innocent actions. For this rea-

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son, as well, Chabadniks are expected to wear conservative clothing such as skirts that pass the knees and wigs that conceal the natural hair of married women from all but their husbands. The purpose of the lengthy dates completely void of physical contact is for the two involved to be able to determine whether or not they would be compatible spouses based on values, needs, and simple preferences.

“I think the advantage of Chabad dating and a marriage is that you don’t have all the baggage or the responsibilities that come along with dating in the general public,” said Chabad-Lubavitch Rabbi 13

Ezzy Schusterman. “What I like about the Chabad dating is it’s a dating based on values, not on emotion.”

Rabbi Schusterman, a married man for seven years, explained that dating in “his world” is not the reverse of dating in the secular world, however. Rather, a couple must enter a state of extreme “like” before marriage. Only once a couple marries, touches, and becomes passionate about one another does he believe a couple can truly fall in love.

Though he agrees that couples must want to spend time together, have an emotional connection, and be physically attracted to each other, he believes that, although important, these must be secondary to additional val14

ues for a relationship to truly succeed. “I think often times marriages fall apart because someone may marry someone for looks, may marry someone for the job that they have, may marry someone for the fun time that they had at whatever experience it was,” he said.

“Within the Chabad system and within [some] areas of the Orthodox system, it’s dating based on what do you want out of life? What do I want out of life? Do we both want the same things out of life? And if we both want the same things out of life, ultimately you’ll weather all storms together in a positive way, and all the other things are a bonus.”

Levi Diskin, Schusterman’s brother-in-law and a newlywed as of February

2012, said that it “felt special \W \ITS \W I OQZT NWZ \PM ÅZ[\ time since that was saved for dating, which has the sole purpose of looking for someone to marry and create a family with.” Though he admitted that it was a very different experience than he was used \W I\ ÅZ[\ PM M^MV\]ITTa NW]VL that his bride Mussi Levin was the one for him based on their shared values and interests.

To those in the secular world, the early age at which the Chabadniks begin to date and the lack of physical touch in the dating scene might seem too disconnected from modern day society.

Chabad-Lubavitch members \PMU[MT^M[ LW XMZKMQ^M ÆI_[ in the dating system. Rabbi Schusterman remembers feel-

“What I like about the Chabad dating is it’s a dating based on values, not on emotion.”

-Rabbi Ezzy Schusterman

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ing that “it does create a certain pressure within the dating process that you’re kind of dating for a purpose...So when it’s the right one, obviously that conversation goes a lot smoother.”

Not surprisingly, Jewish people of other sects Å VL LMNMK\[ QV \PM UM\PWL as well. However, in order to understand why these regulations of dating are in place, we must consider their original intentions.

Chabadniks believe that relationships are healthier when not compared to previous relationships. Furthermore, relationships founded on principle values are believed to last longer and in a more effective manner than those based 16

on Rabbi Schusterman’s idea of secondary values. Jewish law also requires that unmarried men and women not spend time alone in a secluded location. Thus, typical dates in the Chabad community occur in public areas such as restaurants or parks.

From her experience dating Levi in this way, Mussi said \PI\ ¹UWLM[\a LMÅ VQ\MTa XTIa[ a huge role in successful relationships; it makes it about who one is, not what someone looks like or what kind of pleasure one can provide.”

Levi agreed that the Chabad methods made their relationship much more deep and functional. He said that he “prefer[ed] this form of dating because in the secular world, you’re exposed to

so many girls that when you get married you may want more wives; in Chabad, you only know how to have that one woman in your life.”

Although this form of datQVO [MMU[ [QOVQÅ KIV\Ta LQNNMZ̉ ent than that practiced in the secular world, Rabbi Schusterman’s story of meeting his wife may be found much more relatable. Nechama, his current wife, was a friend of his sister since her eighth grade year in Los Angeles. Ezzy was Å ^M aMIZ[ WTLMZ I\ \PM \QUM so he simply viewed her as a nice girl. They rarely interacted, however, because men and women of the Chabad community typically keep to themselves; they attend different schools, work out in separate facilities, and engage

in separate social groups.

Ezzy said he always felt feelings for Nechama during the time he spend in Palo Alto though it was without a foundation. “The feeling can be from a spiritual standpoint-that you feel it’s your destined one,” explained Ezzy.

“Also there’s that physical attraction and that emotional attraction--there’s just something that feels right about it. But at that point we didn’t date because our communities were separate. “Whenever I would see Nechama there was always that connection.”

“After that summer, Nechama came home and told her mom ‘I know who I’m going to marry.’ Her mom was like, ‘Nechama you’re 15. This is not something

that’s going to happen.’

But she held the thought.”

Ezzy then began to date many different girls. Contrary to common understanding, people of the ChabadLubavitch community are not ZM[XWV[QJTM \W UIZZa \PM Å Z[\ person they date. “But none of them were right,” he said of the girls he dated. “There was always this thing in the back of my mind...I wished Nechama was of age.” Traditionally, Chabadniks wait for the older siblings to marry before the younger ones begin to date. Eventually, Nechama’s older sisters got married, and Ezzy asked their permission to date their sister. “There’s always that protocol where through an intermediary you ask the permission to date,”

he explained, “and then at that point, you can date like everybody else. And they said no. Of course I was let down, but a few months later I asked again and they said yes. We dated. The excitement had to be put on hold because we had to go through a healthy process. Suddenly what was attractive and the emotional connection that I had without Nechama had to...be put on hold so that I could actually get to know her intellectually, build a real relationship with her, and make sure that emotional attraction and physical attraction came back.

Once I started dating, I realized she’s not the image I had painted in my head and that I had to get to know her.

Once I got to know her, all those 17

feelings came back and they came back in a more mature way after ensuring the values and interests in life were in check. And now we’re married. We have three beautiful children and are very happy.”

However, as with any community, not all members abide by the traditional 18

values. “There are circles within the Chabad community of 20 to 25-year-olds that do spend time crossing the sexes barrier,” said Schusterman. “However, mixing of the sexes is not encouraged and can and has led to challenges in marriages. That does not go to say that they

won’t work--it just makes it far more challenging.”

As mentioned previously, the goal of dating in the Chabad-Lubavitch world is not for experience or just for fun; it’s truly for the purXW[M WN Å VLQVO [WUMWVM _Q\P which to serve the community and to raise a family.

While the Torah commands the Jewish people to “be fruitful and multiply,” it also makes clear that people must not remain alone. The story of Adam before Eve conveys the idea of intense loneliness and the resulting necessity of “another half.”

In essence, the story means

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one. Once man and woman wed, “all their previous sins and failings are forgiven, and they are empowered to chart a new future for themselves and bestow blessing and grace to their loved ones and friends,” (chabad.org).

In Hebrew, the word for “man” is “eesh” (Hebrew let-

Before marriage, in Judaism, individuals are viewed as single souls. However, once joined by the covenant of marriage with God, each spouse composes half of a soul. When both “eesh” and “ee-shaw” are combined, the letters create the words “aysh” (aleph-shin), UMIVQVO ¹Å ZM º IVL ¹aI_º

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to impress the importance of creating a life with another person. In Chabad-Lubavitch tradition, and in Judaism in general, a marriage is seen as the union of two souls into

ters: aleph-yowd-shin) and for “woman” is “ee-shaw” (Hebrew letters: aleph-shin-hay). Since, according to the Torah, Eve was created from Adam, “eeshaw” means “of the man.”

(yowd-hay), meaning “God.” Therefore, Jewish relationships are seen as holy because, though they may include some Å ZM̉​̉PW_M^MZ WVM UIa QV\MZ̉ pret its meaning, they will al19

ways be one with God. This is what makes the relationships of Chabniks so holy, for it is believed that God is with a married couple at all times.

In order to ensure that God and the Rebbe are aware and in agreement with the relationship of a ChabadLubavitch couple, an engaged man and woman traditionally visit the Rebbe’s grave in New York to ask for his blessing. Levi and Mussi Diskin performed this ritual this without in20

forming anyone of their journey. They said that this made the occasion much more meaningful and personal.

With the Rebbe’s blessing, they headed back to Palo

Chabad wedding, theirs began with a separation of men and women. The women congregated in a room to speak to the bride and lend their blessings, while the men did the same for the groom in an adjacent room.

This is called the Kabbalat Panim, or the “welcoming of the faces” of the bride and groom. During the badeken (veiling c e r e m o ny ) Alto to formalize their mar- that followed, Mussi was then riage with their family and veiled by her groom as the rest friends. As with a traditional of the men enter the room on

one side and the women watch on the other. She says that this was the most intense, meaningful moment for her, since she had deeply studied the purpose of these rituals beforehand. The veiling of the bride serves to represent the groomâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s interest in her internal beauty rather than her ex-

ternal features. Additionally, the veil provides the bride with spiritual privacy for the duration of the ceremony. As the guests exited the room, the bride engaged in her last few spiritual moments of prayer before becoming a married woman. At her wedding, Mussi held a book with ancient

prayers of Psalms and, under her veil, watched videos on her iPhone of the Rebbe giving his blessing to previous couples.

Eventually, the crowd made its way to the chuppah, a cloth covering that represents the home that will soon be created and inhabited by the newly weds. At this time, men and women are typically separated, sometimes by a mechitza, or barrier, and other times simply by an aisle. Once again, we see the value of modesty come into play. Jews of the Chabad-Lubavitch movement and other Orthodox movements believe that the sexes must be divided during times of prayer, spirituality, and communication of any kind with God. Orthodox beliefs state that men must focus on their 21

relationship with God rather than their desires and curiosities regarding the women.

These godly attributes of a relationship are fostered from the beginning of Jewish marriages; the “sages teach that each marriage ceremony is a reenactment of the marriage between G-d and the Jewish people that took place at Mount Sinai, and that the wedding day is a personal Yom Kippur--the holiest and the most auspicious day of one’s life,” (chabad.org). Once the wedding attendees make their way to the chuppah, the ceremony begins with the ritual of the bride circling the groom seven times. With each rotation, she thickens the wall around her groom into which 22

she will step into exclusion from the rest of the world as I ]VQÅ ML KW]XTM 5IVa QỦ XWZ\IV\ Å O]ZM[ WN \PM 2M_Q[P community then recite traditional prayers after which the ketubah, or marriage contract, is read. “The ketubah document is reminiscent of the wedding between G-d and Israel when Moses took the Torah, the ‘Book of the Covenant,’ and read it to the Jews prior to the ‘chuppah ceremony’ at Mount Sinai. In the Torah, G-d, the groom, [promises] to provide for all the physical and spiritual needs of His beloved bride. It is this precious ‘marriage contract’ which has assured our survival through millennia which saw the disappearance of so

many mighty nations and superpowers,” (chabad.org).

Finally, the bride and groom sip wine from a kiddush cup; at this point, their two souls become one. The groom then shatters the glass with a stomp, a tradition reminiscent of the destruction of Jerusalem. In this moment, Jews are reminded to consider the misfortunes of the past even during a joyous time. Everyone shouts “Mazal Tov!” as a cry of celebration and congratulation. From then on, a Jewish wife will traditionally say mazal tov when her husband breaks something throughout the rest of their marriage.

These are reminders that she has married a real person with Æ I_[ IVL QVKWV[Q[\MVKQM[

After the ceremony, the bride and groom are sent to a private room to be ITWVM NWZ \PM ÅZ[\ \QUM \WOM\PMZ 7N\MV \PQ[ Q[ _PMZM I KW]XTM [PIZM[ Q\[ ÅZ[\ SQ[[ ̉​̉ Q\[ ÅZ[\ \W]KP <PQ[ NWTTW_[ Ja I celebratory reception in which the men and women dance separately, on opposite sides of a mechitzah. These parties often last until the middle of the following day.

Typically in Chabad-Lubavitch marriages, couples produce many kids as to serve God and the community.

Not only are they abiding by the Torah’s decree to “be fruitful and multiply,” but they are also raising more people to send out into the community to serve others and to better the world.

)T[W LQ^WZKM Q[ [QOVQÅKIV\Ta TM[[ common in the community, for Chabadniks are typically encouraged to reconcile their differences before taking such measures. Though it does occur, divorce is the absolute last resort in a dysfunctional Chabad marriage.

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'.14%*#&@=&?.*/&0()*$&0#"%"0"$) Evidently, the romantic relationships in the ChabadLubavitch follow very different patterns than ones typical of American society. But are they really that different?

Rabbis such as Conservative Rabbi Booth admire the organization for its ability to state its mission in a single sentence. “You can sort of say in one sentence what Chabad’s mission is in the world: to get Jews to do more mitzvahs,” said Booth, “and I think that’s very enviable actually just to be able to say one sentence, ‘Here’s what they’re about.’

They’ve trained literally thousands of people who are really passionate, and I feel like I’ve

learned a lot from the methods that they use in terms of outreach and hospitality and the sort of non-judgmental warmth that they offer.

There’s a real commitment to Jewish practice. There’s a real commitment to faith.

Those are all really wonderful qualities.” However, the desire to improve the world around us is not one unique to the Chabad community. So what about these beliefs set them apart from those in the secular world or those involved in other sects of Judaism?

The rabbis of nonChabad synagogues are bound to have reasons for choosing their sects over Chabad.

In addition to simply having JMMV ZIQ[ML QV [XMKQÅK [MK\[ of Judaism, non-Chabad rabbis seem to reserve concerns regarding Chabad relationships and the sect as a whole.

“The sort of Western model of dating and relationships seems problematic and in some ways broken,” said Booth of the secular world.

“There’s no sense of sacredness around physical intimacy. There’s no sense of an awareness that we want to sort of court people, that we want to take the opportunity to get to know one another, or that physical intimacy follows from a corresponding emotional intimacy. Notions of 25

modesty are almost entirely out the window. So in that regard, I think Chabad and Ultra-Orthodoxy is creating an interesting model where modesty is very thoughtful...I think the notion of sanctity that goes along with sexuality is very praiseworthy.”

However, he continued on to explain that the Judaic values which are bound to the Chabad community are taken further than he, as a Conservative Rabbi, feels they should be taken. “I think context matters in modesty. That is to say, I think men and women swimming together in a swimming pool is not an inherently immodest act, though obviously it can be. But it doesn’t have to be. I think men and women being together at a party and being able to dance together again is not an inherently im26

modest act, though I think it can be. I think what Chabad and Ultra-Orthodoxy are saying is we see the excesses of those behaviors, and so the best thing to do is to make a wall and say we’re not going to go there ever at all. I think that’s excessive.”

One of Rabbi Booth’s major concerns is that the mutuality between genders seems to disappear, whereas Conservative Judaism has been progressing more toward egalitarianism. “There’s a whole issue going on in Israel right now, which includes Chabad, that concerns the issue of hearing a woman’s voice...This has resulted in Orthodox people walking out of army gatherings where women are singing. We had a funeral recently where one of the Orthodox rabbis attended out of respect for the person

who had passed away, and one of our female rabbis began to sing a prayer; he walked out while she was singing the prayer and then came back in when she was done. I think that’s a little over the top.

There are situations in Israel, too, where the busses put the men in front and the women in back so the men don’t have to see the women lest it will-I don’t know what. I think that’s putting too much responsibility on making the women be unseen and unheard in order to deal with modesty issues. So that feels too far.”

While Rabbi Schusterman attests to the fact that this is a common be-

lief carried out by Jews in the Orthodox community, he feels that it is the responsibility of these religious guests to adhere to their traditions in a respectful manner. “Often times people take offense when an Orthodox rabbi walks out of a group of women singing,” he said.

“As an orthodox rabbi, it’s Ua ÅZU JMTQMN \PI\ M^MZa effort should be made to do it in the most respectful and least offensive way. If an Orthodox rabbi walks out, he should quietly excuse himself from the group as that is his custom or belief. It should never be done as a statement.”

Furthermore, though some may argue

that physical touch is necessary in a relationship before marriage and that modesty is taken too far in the Chabad community, studies have shown that “couples who move in together prior to marriage have a far greater chance of divorce than couples who do not”--as great as 85% greater of a chance, according to Mariah Wojdacz of Legal Zoom.

Evidently, the Chabad system is composed of values that are often viewed as controversial. But, as thoughtful citizens living in the same communities as Chabadniks, we must consider the aspects from which we can learn, both directly and indirectly.

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After much investigation about the ChabadLubavitch community and its relationship system, I came to understand some interesting concepts about my community and myself.

As Levi Diskin pointed out, emulating a Chabad-like relationship in the secular world would be virtually impossible. He explained that his system only works as effectively as it does since those involved are on the same track from the day they are born.

Males and females are separated throughout their school years to focus on their studies and remain undistracted.

They then only begin to date

once they are of marrying age, for Chabadniks only date NWZ \PM X]ZXW[M WN Ă&#x2026; VLQVO I life partner. Throughout the dating process, the two remain out of physical contact and solely discuss interests, beliefs, and values in order to truly understand if they would create a good life and family together. Modesty also remains a common factor of these relationships, as the parties involved intend to focus only on the people they are dating, rather than their bodies.

Though this system may prove too complex and unrealistic to incorporate into oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s secular, daily life, the Chabad-Lubavitch community

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conveys some inspirational ideas through these traditions that we can take into account in our non-Chabad lives. Through their dating methods, Chabadniks remind us of the importance of modesty and of shared values in an effective, healthy relationship. Additionally, they bring into focus the original purpose of dating: to get married. Although this project has not convinced me to sacZQĂ&#x2026; KM Ua PQOP [KPWWT LI\QVO career for arranged dates with potential husbands, it has provided me newfound appreciation, respect, and perspective of the dating system as a whole. I have been able 29

to reframe my dating objective to include learning about myself and about what kind of values I will want in my husband when the time comes.

In a broader sense, my research has furthered my belief that communities of all kinds can learn from each other.

Once I came to understand that the main goals of the ChabadLubavitch community are to educate others, help others, and be hospitable towards others, I could not understand why Chabadniks are simply viewed as Super Jews who walk everywhere they go rather than inspirations. I believe that their goals should bring us closer as human beings rather than separate and categorize a community that solely intends to improve the world around it.

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Booth, Rabbi David. Personal interview. 16 Feb. 2012.

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Diskin, Levi and Mussi. Personal interview. 21 March 2012.

Fishkoff, Sue. The Rebbeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Army: An Inside the World of Chabad-Lubavitch. New York, NY: Schocken Books, 2003. Print.

Jewish Marriage: Becoming One. Chabad.org. Chabad-Lubavitch Media Center, 2012. Web. 28 Feb. 2012.

Schusterman, Ezzy. Personal interview. 8 March 2012.

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