Article by Andrew Heumann

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Andrew Heumann presents:

TORN APART (OR, THE DEVASTATION OF EATING DISORDERS IN THE TRANS COMMUNITY)

Torn Apart.

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The devastation of eating disorders in the trans community.

PREFACE

This is not going to be comfortable.

The issue of eating disorders in the trans community is far worse than you realize, and I am committed to making this known. To do this, I am willing to trade comfort for honesty.

Andrew Heumann, 2020.

This article openly discusses self hatred, eating disorders, and feelings of isolation.

I write this to my community, although I encourage cis readers to educate themselves as well.

Since the nature of these subjects is a horrible one, I ask you not to read this if you risk relapsing or anything of the sort.

“Open Wide”.

TABLE OF CONTENTS - SECTIONS PREFACE ................................................................................2 YOUR BODY IS WRONG. ........................................................ 3 DYSPHORIA LENDS ITSELF TO DISORDERS .......................... 3 SKINNY IS NOT HEALTHY ...................................................... 4 CONNOR .......... 5 JEHAN .............. 5 I HAVE NO SOLUTION FOR YOU ............................................ 6 ABOUT THE AUTHOR .............................................................. 7

TABLE OF CONTENTS - ART OPEN WIDE ...........................................................................2 ENDLESS QUESTIONS ........................................................... 3 TIGHTER ................................................................................. 4

3 YOUR BODY IS WRONG.

Trans people have it rough; we know this. Our existence has been punished through much of history, or even the idea of something like us existing - the Gray Goose Laws of ancient Scandinavia state that to be called ragr (unmanly, effeminate) is a dire insult, and if the insulter is not outlawed fast enough then the one who was called it has the right to kill him in retaliation. The “Gay Panic Defense” rules that cis people who attack and kill us aren’t to blame, because they acted in self-defense against our diabolical, perverted plot to force them into being gay.

Obviously, we face a world that refuses to have a place for us.

“Endless Questions”.

Our struggles aren’t all from being oppressed, either; in our personal lives, removed from any legal system, we may still find ourselves fighting. Maybe we don’t understand why we feel like this. Maybe we know we’re trans, but struggle to take action. Maybe when we come out, people doubt us and make us even question ourselves. It’s clear that we are fighting not only oppression from the law and the public, but conflict and a terrifying lack of definition from within.

DYSPHORIA LENDS ITSELF TO DISORDERS

Middle school: a hallmark of bad memories in most everyone’s lives.

An 11 year old trans boy, who we’ll call Ethan, has just come out as trans to himself. When he tells his mom and asks for a binder, she’s blessedly okay with it. He pulls up the GC2B website and shows her what color he wants. As she goes through checkout, she glances at the models on the site and chuckles, saying “That one looks like he should have a binder for his tummy, too.” Ethan looks at the chubby model,

whose stomach does indeed exist below his binder, and feels a little sick. He grows scared that with a flat chest, his own chubby tummy will look even more out of place. He ends up skipping 7th grade biology to hide in the bathroom and collect diets he wants to try. When his binder arrives, his stomach isn’t flat like the trans men online.

None of his diets have allotted more than 1200 calories a day.

The truth is, the root of his struggle is his learned belief that being skinny is good. He’s been taught that being skinny is healthy and being fat is unhealthy. In reality, HEALTHY IS NOT SKINNY . This false equivalence of skinniness with health is incredibly harmful to cis and trans people alike.

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“Tighter”.

As a young trans person entering puberty, the developments that follow are often a turning point for people who previously had little to no problem with their bodies. Trans men might, like Ethan, try to starve themselves or purge to be less soft and curvy. Trans women might do the same to appear more delicate and small. While four times as many trans people report disordered eating habits to lose weight as cis people, this is not the only way eating disorders can attack.

I reached out to other trans people and found that in multiple cases, the problem of developing breasts triggered the onset of binge-eating disorder.

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High school senior Connor Rodriguez, a trans man, told me, “I realized quickly that I hated myself, and I had an ideal version of myself in my head that didn’t match what I looked at in the mirror. So, I did what anyone would do and tried to match it.” He developed disordered eating habits and tried to gain weight to hide his breasts and achieve a bulkier, less feminine shape. At first it seemed successful, but once he developed new eating habits, he says they stayed there, and he’s continued to deal with them for the past several years.

Jehan Rasmussen, a nonbinary When they were too depressed classmate of Rodriguez, told to continue participating in their me they first remember having family’s ideals and interests, they eating issues around 10 years old, only received more ostracization. at the same time that they felt The way their family perceived terrifyingly alone. Their classmates them changed and Rasmussen in elementary school isolated would be insulted. “I would often them and made them feel like be told to “stop eating bread”, they could never be like them, even if I’d never eaten bread and this was compounded by their that day they’d just be like “wow, family members all being taller did someone say bread? Jehan’s and skinnier. It all added up until listening!” (...) and it felt really Rasmussen “felt really alone and isolating because I couldn’t tell I felt like no matter who I spoke my parents anything. This was to, no one would understand me, around the time I was questioning like no one would UNDERSTAND, my gender and sexuality, and and that’s a terrifying feeling. so I felt ashamed and alone.” started coping by eating a lot.” Their bullying got worse and they were constantly detached from the world.

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I cannot wrap this up nicely. There’s nothing nice about the way we are insulted, pressured, and unfairly judged every single day.

I would love to give you the name of some organization you can donate to, or a hotline you can reach out to. But trans people aren’t given a place in the world, so why fund comprehensive research to support us? There’s no simple solution, no fix-it foundation to help us. I wish I could tell you something you can do to help, like recycling more or joining a union or volunteering in your community. But eating disorders are shameful and hidden away, and it’s hard to help a problem that fears you seeing it.

All I can say is I hope you’re scared. Because I’m scared. I’m scared for my community that has no recognition of their struggle. There’s no support for wanting to change your body when discomfort is called normal. I’m scared that if Ethan had told a therapist in middle school, he would have been told that it’s normal to hate your body, and good to try to lose weight. I’m scared that it’s “common knowledge” that losing weight is healthy no matter what. I’m scared that people drive us to grasp any coping mechanism we can and then mock us for it. I’m scared that some of us really, truly believe that it’ll never get better, that we’ll always suffer. I’m scared that some of you want that.

Forget scared. I’m angry.

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ANDREW SHU HEUMANN IS IN RECOVERY. HE HAS BEEN GRAPPLING WITH HIS BODY IMAGE AND SELF-IDENTITY FOR YEARS AND HAS MADE GREAT PROGRESS TOWARD A LIFE HE TRULY LOVES. HE HAS NEVER REACHED A LOW BMI AND NO LONGER WANTS TO. HE IS A JUNIOR STUDYING AT FREESTYLE ACADEMY. CURRENTLY HIS ARTISTIC INSPIRATIONS INCLUDE JENNY HOLZER, GERARD WAY, AND JHONEN VASQUEZ. HE WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE FOLLOWING: ANEM BECAUSE I WOULDN’T HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS WITHOUT YOU. LIVIE FOR NOT LEAVING ME ALONE. MY MOM FOR DOING HER BEST WITH WHAT SHE KNEW. DR ED KOBRAI FOR GIVING ME THE CHANCE TO REALIZE I’M NORMAL. AINSEL FOR BEING WITH ME ALL THIS TIME.