Volume 11 Issue 3

I had an incredible opportunity over the Summer to participate in an event held by the UN That wasn’t a typo The kid from the Coal Region got invited to speak at an event put on by the bloody United Nations!

Former foster kid Ruby Guillen was a pivotal player in putting together the The International Youth Conference in New York City this Summer (2023) She was kind enough to invite this guy. I spent weeks writing a speech. After all, this was a pretty big deal for me Giving a speech in the same building the filmed John Wick, in front of people affiliated with the United Nations? Huge deal So, I took my time, crafted a gem of a speech and headed to the Big apple.

It turned into a panel discussion

It happens But I liked what I wrote and I think you’ll like it too

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished delegates, and honored guests,

I stand before you today to address a matter of profound global significance, one that should be of top importance to everyone: childhood trauma, the plight of orphans, and the critical issues of social justice and children's rights In a world full of progress and development, it is our moral obligation to remember those left behind, especially the most vulnerable among us our children.

With my time in front of you I l hope to delve deeply into the urgency of addressing these issues, the vital importance of empowering youth to realize the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs), and a transformative initiative the Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC) a guiding light in our collective mission to tackle these challenges, including the abhorrent crime of child sex trafficking.

My name is Chris Chmielewski, I am the founder, owner and editor of America’s premier foster care publication, Foster Focus. I am a former member of my country’s answer to vulnerable kids, foster care I spent 5 years in foster care, with a fortunate positive outcome Not every kid is afforded that luxury Not only have I lived the life that we are addressing today, I also have a platform for thousands of other people like me with lived experiences

I have been given the honor and responsibility of sharing their stories with the world I would urge you to read their stories at FosterFOcusMag com Today I come to you to discuss a matter of great urgency I appreciate you giving me the chance to bring it to your attention.

[Section 1: The Reality of Childhood Trauma and Orphans]

Childhood trauma casts a long shadow over the lives of countless young individuals worldwide For orphans, it can be a tough reality, an ongoing challenge that robs them of their innocence and potential. The statistics are both startling and heartbreaking: millions of children are orphaned due to conflict, disease, and poverty, leaving them open to a life marked by despair and adversity

But, when we discuss childhood trauma, we must also recognize that it is often intertwined with systemic injustices It is not merely a matter of chance; it is a result of a world that fails to address the root causes of poverty, inequality, and discrimination Social justice demands that we shine a light the structural inequalities that perpetuate childhood trauma, and we must work tirelessly to dismantle these

systems.

These systems hold us back My foster father would often tell me that because of my situation as a foster kid, I would have to work three times harder than everyone else in the room. Working at a normal pace would still find me behind my peers Twice as hard would only bring me to their level. To succeed, I would have to rise above my circumstances, find my voice and work three times harder than everyone else in the room. So, though we can achieve amazing things, our circumstances as vulnerable kids can thwart our progress.

Every child is capable of great things Our perseverance gets us through.

[Section 2: The Urgent Need for Aid]

This crisis demands immediate action, with the principles of social justice and children's rights in mind. We cannot afford to turn a blind eye to the suffering of innocent children It is your moral duty, as representatives of nations committed to human rights and dignity, to reach out our hands in aid and compassion. Humanitarian assistance is not just an act of goodwill; it is a lifeline. Our collective response must prioritize the provision of food, shelter, healthcare, and education to these kids, offering them the hope of a brighter and a secure future.

In our pursuit of social justice, we must

also address the structural factors that cause the suffering of orphans and kids affected by trauma This includes addressing economic disparities, ensuring access to quality healthcare, and eradicating discrimination in all its forms

[Section 3: Empowering Youth for the Sustainable Development Goals]

Our kids, often forgotten in discussions of global challenges, they aren’t just the leaders of tomorrow but they are the change-makers of today. Giving them the power to take an active role in achieving the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs) is not an option; it is a must, rooted in social justice

Empowerment also means creating an inclusive and equitable society where every kid, regardless of their background, has the opportunity to thrive. This means dismantling barriers to education, healthcare, and participation in decision-making processes. It means recognizing that social justice begins with empowering our kids.

[Section 4: The Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC)]

In your quest to protect the rights of kids, you possess a powerful instrument the Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC)

Established by the United Nations Human Rights Commission, the CRC

stands as a beacon of hope and is the framework that guides you in your efforts to safeguard children from exploitation, including child sex trafficking

The CRC is not just a legal document; it is a moral imperative It says that every child has the right to live, survive, develop, and be protected from harm. It explains the principles of non-discrimination, best interests of the child, and respect for the child's views. Those principles should guide your actions in every corner of the globe, ensuring that children and youth are shielded from the horrors of exploitation and violence

[Section 5: The Way Forward]

In conclusion, you find yourselves at a pivotal juncture in history, facing a challenge of immense gravity childhood trauma, social justice, and the empowerment of kids to achieve the SDGs These challenges, though daunting, aren’t insurmountable

Together, as a global community, you must confront them head-on, armed with compassion, determination, and the lessons of the Convention on the Rights of the Child

Unite your efforts, mobilize your resources, and work hand in hand to build a world where every child is cherished, where no one is left behind, and where the Sustainable Development Goals are not just lofty ideas but a tangible reality for all In your relentless pursuit of this vision, you will not only heal the wounds of these kids but also lay the foundations for a more equitable, just, and sustainable future for generations to come.

Thank you

T yrus

venge him or her self by growing up nto a powerful giant and putting busers in their place They want to crete such a powerful presence that they’ll ever again be vulnerable to the harm hat can be inflicted by others That is recisely what happened with Tyrus.

In an interview about his book, Just Tyrus, he spoke about the day his stepfather took him outside to “put him in his place " The step-father drank, and in his perpetually altered state he hadn’t noticed the changes in Tyrus that summer

After his step-father threw the first punch, teenage Tyrus laid him out The police were called, but ultimately it was the step-father who was in trouble because it’s against the law to challenge a minor to a physical fight. That was the last time his step-father got physical with Tyrus

Tyrus was athletic and he was willing to work hard, so he excelled at sports He had a coach who he credits with helping him believe in himself He played football through college in Kearney, Nebraska, and got his degree.

By Rhonda Sciortino Foster Focus Contributor

George Murdoch, better known as Tyrus, is 6’ 8” tall and he weighs in at 370 lbs He’s not your typical news commentator or best selling author. Also not your typical therapist, teacher, child care worker or former foster kid. Tyrus is a lot of things, but typical isn’t one of them Unless, perhaps, we’re talking about wrestling.

Tyrus holds the NWA World Television Championship Most nights he can be found on the GUTFELD! show wearing his enormous NWA belt over his shoulder, flashing what looks like a gang sign and jokingly saying, “come and get it.”

But he wasn’t always the large and in charge “elephant in every room” as he describes himself. He was a little boy abused and abandoned by his father. He was a “black child” not allowed in his white maternal grandfather ’s home He was a child separated from his mother and living with a foster family. He was a young teen reunited with his mother in a place where alcohol and drugs were more available than food

Tyrus’ story is the fantasy of every child who’s been abused when they were too young and too vulnerable to do anything about it Every mistreated child wants to

He worked in private, non-profit child welfare organizations with boys like he had been His lived experienced informed his work with those boys as much or more than did his college degree He understood their rage when their routine was interrupted with something as seemingly insignificant as their bowl of cereal being late He had gone without food many times and lived in a chaotic environment, so he understood that routine, regularly available healthy meals, exercise and sleep, are the things those boys needed to prepare them to face their future

His size opened doors for him to be a nightclub bouncer, and while doing that work, the rapper, Snoop Dogg, hired him to be a bodyguard. It was there, while working for Snoop, that he got his big break in wrestling

Tyrus wasn’t an overnight success, but he knew from experience how to persist He refused to give up Through exhilaration and frustrating disappointments, Tyrus finally became what he had strived to be a major player in professional wrestling. It was when he thought he was living his dream that everything changed

One night Tyrus retweeted something posted by Greg Gutfeld, a commentator on Fox News. Within minutes, Gutfeld contacted him and invited him to his new late night show

It never occurred to Tyrus that he would become a late night talk show co-host, but that’s what happened.

From there he became a Fox News contributor, another opportunity that he never saw coming One surprise led to the next, with the most recent being his book, Just Tyrus, becoming a best seller. The book and his national book tour did so well, that he wrote another book, Nuff Said, which is set to be released

before year end.

Just Tyrus is real and raw, just like it’s author, former foster kid, George Murdoch, AKA Tyrus In it he shares some of his story in the hopes that he will connect with the young men who he refers to as “the lost boys ” He dedicated his book to those boys who are growing up with little direction, care or nurturing

In my interview with Tyrus, I asked what advice he had for kids who are living in chaotic environments and abusive situations, to single moms, and to foster parents He had a lot to say

Tyrus’ message to kids who are being mistreated is to tell someone, and if they don’t believe you, tell someone else, and keep telling until someone helps. He said, “Remember that you have power you may be one social media post away from getting rescued.”

Tyrus’ advice to single moms is, “Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Look for pro-

grams in your neighborhood like Big Brothers Big Sisters and YMCA Get your kids signed up for sports and activities to keep them busy. Always do what’s best for your kids ”

Tyrus credits his foster parents with his good morals, work ethic, and parenting His message to foster parents acknowledges that raising other people’s kids is hard work He has the utmost respect for the good people who take in children they didn’t make and put up with disrespect and behaviors they don’t deserve He quickly adds that those efforts paid off for him, and he’s grateful to the people who took he and his brother in when his family didn’t want them

Tyrus’ is living his version of the American dream from abandonment, abuse and foster care to teaching, counseling, wrestling, co-hosting the #1 late night show, GUTFELD!, commentating on cable news, and on stages throughout the US He writes his books to inspire others to go after their dreams

Aging Out Gracefully

By Liz Sutherland Foster Focus Contributor

When I was five years old, my brother, sister and I were transported to an elderly woman’s house who called herself our grandmother, but severely mistreated us For eight years we lived in a rusty single wide trailer We were never once hugged, nor did we know the word love. The grandmother neglected us and emotionally and physically abused us from day one She resented us being there, and made us children reimburse her for the price she paid with our flesh, blood, and tears

I was 13 years old that wonderful summer day My brother, sister and I were picking away at blackberry bushes by the road when the neat business lady arrived She was there to take the three of us into DSS custody. At that point, my sister and I had lost contact with my brother He had gone in one direction while my sister and I went in another I didn’t even get to hug him goodbye. Initially, my sister and I ended up at a group home, where we shared our own private bedroom After a week, DSS placed us with a foster family that warehoused children, or so that’s what it had seemed From there on out, I really didn’t know what was going on. Children kept coming and going, I eventually was going from home to home, group home to group home, out one school and into another all while having numerous case workers I had no sense of stability

When I first entered foster care, I didn’t think about the future About what would happen when I aged out of the system?

Aging out sounds like I hit retirement or something, but all I had to do was turn eighteen and I was on my own Literally In the foster care system, there’s an expiration date on your life. When you hit it, those random strangers you’ve grown to rely on throw you to the wolves and the streets and tell you to try and survive this so-called thing of life. The closer I got to my eighteenth birthday, the more questions I had about the unknown that was to follow. Where will I go? Where will I stay? How will I pay my bills? What will happen to me if I don’t succeed out there in that

big aggressive world?

And then the day came. I was eighteen. I’d graduated high school, and I was officially an adult. I literally felt like I had to grow up so fast that my childhood years were just a delusion

I was out of the system, and no longer the responsibility of my foster parents, but I wasn’t completely on my own I had an assigned independent living counselor who gave me a monthly

stipend from the state that was less than $1,200 The counselor was there to help me navigate my confusing new world, but on a limited basis. . Thankfully, I had the support of my foster parents too They could have just said goodbye and shown me the door after my birthday, but the Millers were the kindest and sweetest foster parents I ever had While I lived with them, they not only provided me with a place to stay, but they also restored my faith

The Millers helped me with a few basic necessities like a bed, mismatched dishes and a couple of towels and washcloths I moved into a four-hundredsquare foot apartment that smelled like mothballs. It neighbored a shopping center, and wasn’t much, but it was mine I had almost nothing to fill those empty rooms, but what I did have was my very own This tiny apartment was my space to breathe and finally unpack my bags.

I thought I’d have my counselor and foster family to rely on indefinitely, but it only lasted for a short while and a few months later , my communication with that sweet foster family vanished without a trace

Truly alone, I had plenty of room for being naïve Anyone who offered to be my friend, I just assumed they were “An idle brain is the devil’s workshop,” H G Bohn once said, and I filled my mind and my loneliness in those months with other people.

I ended up hanging out with the wrong kind of people. People who would introduce me to a life that for a moment, eased the emptiness running through my veins. It wasn’t long before I recognized this was not the life I wanted to live I didn’t want to become one of those kids the ones in foster care who escape their lives with drugs or alcohol or sex I wanted more, and I didn’t want my past to define my existence.

The best part of that tiny little apartment

was my name on the door. I would come home and look at the mail, or at the nametag by the doorbell, and realize that was my name. Mine. All those years spent in foster care, I had hardly seen my name on anything, other than the documents that were floating around with me as I transitioned from one home to another, or on prescription bottles approved by one of the many therapists that I had met along the way When I was part of the system, I’d always felt like my name was unimportant I was just another foster kid to the government, to most of the families that took me in, to the new schools I started every few months

When I was fifteen, I got my first job. I remember the first time I swiped my nametag through that time clock at Hardee’s. Pride flooded me, and I almost wanted to swipe it, just to see my name slide through the machine again To me, that moment was one of my greatest accomplishments

I didn’t have a penny in my pocket, didn’t know a thing about customer service, but I did know how to push a button and fill a cup with ice and soda. Working there made me curious about how things functioned I also started to have ambition for more. I wanted to move from being a cashier to cooking in the back, to working the drive-thru window, to cleaning the customer area, it didn’t matter what job I did the sense of pride I felt doing the work was so satisfactory.

I’m not really sure why all these things had me so thrilled when I was that age. Maybe it filled that void in me, that feeling of being wanted Hardee’s needed me, the customers needed me, and I needed them For once, I felt like this is where I belong

As the years progressed, so did my collection of nametags I began working at Popeye’s, then McDonald’s. It seemed like I had hit every fast food restaurant in that small quaint town Each place

was unique in its own way and brought out a different side of me I was like a caterpillar in its different stages of formation. I was a bit shy, timid and ashamed at first, but over time, I started to find myself and come out of my chrysalis.

As soon as I was living on my own, I began to think about the future. About having one that went beyond fast food and into a real career I didn’t want my education to end with just a high school diploma As soon as I started researching my options, I found Tri-County Community College, a small campus that was about a thirty-minute car ride from where I lived I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay for it or how I was going to make it to classes and juggle a job

I applied for any type of assistance I could find: Pell Grants, Perkins Loans, financial aid, etc. The application and approval process was intense and stressful I kept checking my mailbox multiple times a day, both scared and nervous I never wanted anything more in my life to happen than this

The day that envelope arrived in my mailbox, I stopped and held my breath until I had the courage to open it. There on that sheet of paper, below my name, were the words I’d prayed for: TriCounty Community College would like to officially accept you into the Associate of Arts program

I began to cry, filled with a sense of accomplishment I couldn’t believe it I was going to college!

My life was still far from perfect, but it was my own. My apartment didn’t have much furniture, but it was just enough for me I was thankful to have my own space a space no one could come and take me away from

My couch was a couple of Jelly beach folding chairs that eventually made way for a used futon I couldn’t afford cable,

but settled for the three channels I could pick up occasionally on a small Samsung TV with a built-in VHS Most of the time, I would make up a pallet of blankets on the living room floor and fall asleep to Trace Adkins or George Strait. I was too afraid to sleep in the bed in the back room Maybe because this was officially the first time I was by myself and not surrounded by foster parents, foster children, or the grandmother

When the holidays approached and I had nowhere to go, I found security in sleeping under my Christmas tree and using its colorful lights to guide me through some of my darkest nights Many times, I just lay there wondering where my sister and brother were I would’ve given anything in those moments to hear their voices. The thought of seeing them one day gave me comfort and hope

As I started to figure out my bills and what that entailed, I realized that I didn’t have a bank account, credit cards, or any place to save my hard-earned money I had no clue when it came to

anything financial.

I opened a checking account, and like with everything else, I was amazed to see my name and address on those slips of paper This was me where I lived, who I was. For as long as I wanted it to be

The problem? I didn’t know how to write a check I knocked on my neighbor ’s door I was embarrassed and hesitated a second before asking her to help me I expected her to think I was crazy or to laugh at me

Instead, she smiled. “Absolutely Elizabeth, I would be happy to help you ” Even today, when I see my checkbook, I think of her.

So many people helped me along the way in those first couple difficult years. When I needed to get a new car and didn’t have sufficient credit, I asked my hairdresser if she wouldn’t mind cosigning for me and she did When I needed advice about my car, health or just day-to-day living, I asked people I worked with Guidance and confidence that people normally would find in their

parents or family, I learned to find in strangers I was trying to do whatever it took to survive and find some sort of normalcy in my crazy world. I was putting the pieces together of who I was, one moment at a time

I didn’t have a lot of tangible belongings to hang on to, but what I did have that I knew no one could take away from me, was my faith I knew that as long as I believed, I would be able to challenge anything thrown my way. Including finding my true identity

Growing up in the world of foster care, I was labeled, like most kids in the system are Foster kid, orphan, worthless, dumb, etc. Society put labels on us, sorted us into folders and cases, and over the years, I started to feel like I wasn’t anything other than those labels.

Today, I truly enjoy any moment I get to speak about my past experience of growing up and out of foster care Call it pride, but it’s so refreshing to know that I’m helping others in foster care become future leaders!

Transiti onal Ag e Yout h Are St rugg ling i n Tod ay ’ s Housing Market

By: Matthew McCall, V.P. of Community Programs at The Home for Little Wanderers Foster Focus Contributor

Today, Rachel* is getting ready to graduate from college, but it wasn’t always clear that would be the direction of Rachel’s story Rachel grew up in the child welfare system She bounced around from one living situation to another – and when she turned 18, she was on her own Rachel never had a strong family to rely on. She didn't have a family to support her goal to go to college, to help her learn how to save money or pay for her tuition, to help her get a driver ’s license or learn the basic life skills you need to survive on your own. Children shouldn’t grow up in the child welfare system without a family to help them transition into adulthood, but the sad reality is that many, like Rachel, do. Then, when they turn 18, the child welfare system no longer supports them, and they are on their own

The outcomes aren’t good for kids like Rachel Transitional age youth, as they are called, are more likely than their peers to experience homelessness, substance use, and involvement with the criminal justice system, and they are less likely to earn a college degree or hold a steady job According to the Chapin Hall University of Chicago Voices of Youth Count report, 56 percent of Suffolk County’s homeless and unstably housed young people have been in the foster care and/or juvenile and criminal justice systems

So, what makes Rachel’s story different? Housing stability and transitional support I know Rachel because she lived at our Somerville Village program, a 15-bedroom residential facility for transitional age youth who are enrolled in college or a job training program. Somerville Village and programs like it provide support and stability to young people who don’t have family to rely on. It has mentors, therapeutic programs, offers help with skills needed for

independent living, and is a bridge into adulthood that keeps kids like Rachel from experiencing homelessness.

The United States Interagency Council on Homelessness reports that there are approximately 1,800 homeless young adults in Massachusetts, where Somerville Village is located, though that number is believed to be considerably higher The average cost to rent a studio apartment in Boston is around $1,850 per month. That’s over $22,000 per year A youth who makes minimum

wage - $15.50 per hour - who works 48 hours per week only brings home $30,144 per year after taxes That means that to rent a studio apartment in the city (assuming they can even get a landlord to rent to them since they have no rent history or cosigner), that youth will be paying 73% of their take home income to rent alone That doesn’t include utilities, a phone, transportation, etc or leave room to save for financial emergencies like care repairs or an illness that keeps them from work for a week or two.

It’s no wonder that so many youth who age out of child welfare without support end up facing homelessness within two years. Many of the single occupancy rooms for rent – the most affordable options in the city – are in environments that aren’t conducive to setting a stable path for these vulnerable youth who have experienced trauma and instability their entire life. All youth, but especially kids who have suffered hardships all their lives, need and deserve access to stable housing, positive role models, and opportunities to better themselves and their long-term earning potential.

We have an opportunity to change the way our culture and our state treat young adult homelessness by creating programs specifically designed to meet the needs of this population. The living needs of an 18-year-old college student are different from a family with chil-

dren. Young adults need programs that provide safe, clean, and supportive living environments They need programs that co-sign their leases and then transition those leases to them once they are stable They need programs that teach basic life skills they didn’t learn growing up – like how to save money, build a credit score, and manage debt responsibility. They need programs that connect them with mentors They need security

Supporting young adults who are transitioning out of foster care is not just the right thing to do, it’s the smart thing to do. A 2019 report from the Annie E. Casey Foundation found that providing housing stability and transitional support for youth who age out of the foster care system could result in future cost savings of $9 6 million just from what would be spent on temporary shelter beds. The same study estimated that supporting transitional age youth would result in 4,870 fewer youth involved in

the criminal justice system for a whopping savings of $1 6 billion not spent on detention and incarceration.

We are facing a housing crisis that impacts us all, but we must not forget the young adults who have no one else By supporting programs and carving out services for transitional age youth, we can end youth homelessness and build a better, brighter future for young adults like Rachel.

*Name changed to protect privacy

Foster care and Adoption: T he Import ance of Grie f W ork

By Dominique N. Marsalek, M.A. Foster Focus Contributor

I am driving in a beat-up old jeep I love It’s not mine but belongs to my college boyfriend. We are driving cross country in celebration of my graduation from college and stopping at national parks and state parks to camp I am largely silent, hidden inside myself. The windows are open and we are leaving behind the majestic smoky mountains of Tennessee

The wind is soft on my face and hair. I am hesitantly happy, reservedly joyful, modestly expecting of the adventure that lies ahead My college boyfriend was one of the very few good and kind men I have known. He was never a danger to me and yet, even then I could not fully relax, I was still in flight

Jay turns to me at some point and says gently “I think maybe your adopted mother had a greater impact on you than you know and at some point, you’ll need to deal with that,” sparking immediate anger and resistance within me

I am silent, a hollowed-out monk of a girl who had chopped off all her hair and starved herself to a body weight of a mere 102 pounds I wish I could go back to that girl and teach her how to open up to this kind man who I would come to have meaningful once-in-a-lifetime adventures with Our friendship included the kind of intimacy poverty, hunger, and youth-

ful boundless idealism affords We visited monasteries, climbed mountains, house-sat in hidden land reserves in Colorado towns whose population comprised of a couple dozen people On the fourth of July, we sat on top of the old green jeep that had kept us safe for so much adventure and watched the fireworks and families of a small town in the mountain outside of Boulder, Colorado We would have many days like this.

I knew I should have been happy but still all I felt was anxiety, locked inside myself, hiding and running. Over a decade later I look back on those memories with immeasurable love I wish I had kept those memories safe, that I had pictures or some way to ensure time won’t take them from me.

How brave and idealistic we were How free and wild and untamed. I will always love those sweet innocent memories.

But, Jay was right I had demons inside me that I did not have the tools, experience, or wisdom yet to confront. So, I hid and ran I ran marathons, I ran away from that relationship numerous times I always found that movement equated to safety from my years in foster care. That if you stay moving, you can’t be caught But it was more than that I was consumed with a deep well of grief that I could not and would

not confront.

People often dispense advice on this sort of thing, as though the person running is choosing to do so If I could have chosen, I would never have run from the kindness and connection I had found in my friendship with Jay It wasn’t a choice It was a compulsion that I lacked the tools to address buried under decades of trauma that I hadn’t even begun to grieve Over a decade later, I finally understand what he meant. I finally hear him

I was adopted when I was a pre-teen. This is a part of my life I don’t talk about often It’s a part of my life I have run from but never could figure out how to face Northern Maine was my homeland, a unique remote and rural Acadian culture that defined so much of my internal landscape, until it wasn’t I was placed in a potential adoptive home, several states and a couple days drive away, in Baltimore, Maryland

Adoption is supposed to be something positive You’re raised in foster care to want it, to work toward it, to earn it But my adoption was anxiety inducing and it scared me This removal from my homeland on the Canadian border was one of the reasons. Removed from everything I had known and every system of protection that had raised me, I was placed in a new state and a new system And this is where I became a teenager My adoptive parents were lower-middle class, on their way to middle-middle class, if fortune allowed It did not

Within a couple years my adoptive parents were separated and divorced I lived with my adoptive mother The courts no longer checked up on me. I was alone With her

I won’t go into detail here about the abuse I endured at the hands of my adoptive mother, abuse no one else witnessed, whose legacy, now that she is deceased, I am sole inheritor. I was a prisoner of my mother Our jail was a cold, volatile, and loveless tomb At 17,

I moved out. By the time I was 18, she had disowned me and passed away from breast cancer I never grieved it I just kept running. Running from that house, running from her voice in my head, running from the world I had known and lost more times than I could count

When she died and left me to do the work of closure on my own, I ended up taking scissors and cutting my hair off That was my only act of grief. Something inside me locked up Something inside me pushed hard to work, to fight, to run, to prove her ghost wrong. But, never did it allow me to grieve those terrible years where I was kept captive by her, the one place she could put all her hatred and bitterness at a world that had failed to give her the life she had wanted.

In running, I was propelled by a desperate desire to succeed and to survive the obstacle course that only teenagers and young adults without parental support or guidance can understand. I faced the indifference of the world armed only with decades of trauma and my own sense of purpose. My mother had not given me a penny and my adopted father was no longer a truly active figure in my life, consumed by his own demons So, as I ran toward the mountain and began hurtling myself toward the top in order to reach a place where survival was possible and homelessness a little further away, I shut down all unnecessary parts of myself. Even more so than I had in my previous life in those foster homes

I don’t talk about this part of my life because it broke my heart and set me on a course of relentless hard work for decades I began working fulltime at 14 and haven’t stopped except the occasional lull between jobs when I was with one partner or another When does one have time to grieve?

But today, as I am facing a year anniversary of escaping my abusive ex-fiancé,

who reminded me so strongly of my adopted mother, I know it finally time to begin the work of grieving Grieving the loss of the last bit of my childhood, the loss of hope that love could be something unconditional rather than earned and grieving for the child I was who never got her happy ending and who had no choice but to hide inside herself all her life.

Unspent grief can haunt your life in unexpected ways. It can show up in relationships that mirror unresolved problems beyond just intimate relationships. Unspent grief can show up in work relationships, friendships, life patterns including sleeping and eating and basic daily functions. It does for me. It defines my life, this sadness inside me defines every molecule of my life

This past week, when something didn’t go well at work, I spent days not sleeping. When I did sleep, I woke up covered in sweat in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep The anxiety I feel in response to relatively benign disagreements isn’t a healthy response It’s rooted in my unspent grief

In my fear of failure, my complicated relationship with authority, all because I am still running inside. Running away from the cage of victimhood that bound me and grew stronger throughout my childhood.

When you’re running inside, your anxiety defines your responses and your ability to think clearly is hindered You are still operating emotionally from a place similar to when it was you first began running

So today, nearing the one-year anniversary of my escape from my ex-finance, so much like my former adopted mother, I begin the long road of grieving Of feeling the pain I had denied in hopes of one day letting go of her ghost It will be a long and hard road. But I am hopeful

In the chaos of my early childhood, marked by my mother's pursuit of her dreams and the upheaval of being uprooted from Tanzania to England, my life was on a constant, unsteady teeter Memories of endless arguments between my parents, including a jarring incident when my mother threw a large bowl of food at my father, still lingered in my young mind Stability and routine seemed like unattainable luxuries, until a seemingly temporary arrangement turned my life around.

Moved by the plight of my single mother who struggled to care for me, a warm, loving English family agreed to foster me for a fortnight until a permanent solution could be found. Little did any of us know that this brief two-week period would stretch into ten transformative years Living in public housing in the UK, this family, with their six children and modest means, opted to take me under their wings out of compassion for my mother and me They proved to be not just a foster family but my true family, better and more nurturing than my own biological family had been.

In a world where we hear too often of the harrowing side of the foster care experience, it's worth remembering that there are many wonderful people out there who open their hearts and homes to those in need, impacting their lives in unimaginable ways My English family did just that for me

Love, stability and the grounding gift of routine

This was a family that radiated unconditional love, stability, and the grounding gift of routine. Even as the only person of color in a working-class, low-rent housing estate, I never felt alienated or different. My English family accepted me as I was, never wishing to change me or treat me differently from their children They never showed any hint of embarrassment about my distinctiveness. They took the everyday mundane and turned it into an environment ripe for growth and learning, a reality that is echoed in my books.

Contrary to my earlier childhood, my life in England was characterized by a comforting predictability, a cadence that became my anchor. Meals were cooked on time. Each day had its routine, including an annual two-week caravan holiday to the coast, always marked on the calendar on the same date They seldom lectured me on right or wrong Instead, they demonstrated through their actions, setting standards and examples that guided my moral compass.

Values

The values my English they modeled – honesty, integrity, dignity, a strong work ethic, and a sense of self-worth – were not just preached but practiced in their everyday life Honesty, to them, was not merely a matter of stating facts but doing so with kindness and tact. They illustrated the essence of integrity by accepting me into their family despite their lack of tangible resources Dignity, in their eyes, was not about appearances or status but was tied to being clean, well-groomed, and true to oneself

Their work ethic was unrivaled Living in the middle of Margaret Thatcher's "Winter of Discontent," they faced regular layoffs and factory shutdowns Yet, they never claimed government benefits Whenever one door closed, they found another to open. A carpenter turned milkman, a mechanic morphed into a school janitor; their resilience in the face of adversity modeled the importance of keeping a strong work ethic, regardless of the circumstances

A sense of self-worth

Perhaps the most lasting impression they left on me was their profound sense of self-worth. Rooted in moral standards, they found satisfaction and contentment in who they were and their role within their family and community. This imparted in me a deep-seated conviction in my self-worth, a value I have held dear ever since

Indeed, my English family was not just a foster family in name. They were my rock, my safe haven. My experience with them was instrumental in shaping who I am today, providing me with a better future than what seemed probable in my tumultuous early years.

Today, I share my story not just to honor my English family but to shed light on the transformative power of foster care when done right. For all those who've had similar experiences, remember, it's not where you come from, but where you're going that matters most.

And to all those who offer the refuge of foster care, your impact extends beyond what you can see. You are changing lives, one child at a time, setting them up for a better future.

How F oster Care Set Me Up For a Be tter Future

By Emil Rem Foster Focus Contributor

10 Powerful Words

By Dr. John DeGarmo Foster Focus Contributor

I was recently asked during a TV interview if I would summarize in 10 words how my life has changed as a foster parent.

I responded by saying this: “I can tell you in one word how my life has changed. Love.”

As a foster parent of over 60 children, I have found one thing is true Like all children, a child in foster care has one true wish and one real desire, more than possibly anything else, and that is to be loved. As foster parents, we can protect the child from harm, provide a safe and secure home, offer nutritious meals, and open up a doorway of opportunities for foster children, granting them new and exciting experiences that they may never have dreamed of Yet, with all of this, with all of the wonderful opportunities and safe environments, foster children really crave love the most. They want to be loved, and they need to be loved. After all, every child deserves to be loved.

Not only do children deserve love, they need it in order to grow in a healthy fashion. The greatest gift you and I have been given is love. While there are many forms of love, the strongest one, and most important for a foster child, is that of unconditional love Sadly, many children in foster care either do not receive this love at all, or receive it too late, after too much emotional damage has been done.

Unconditional love is simply being loved without restrictions or stipulations For a child in foster care who previously may have been abused, beaten, or neglected, this type of unconditional love is most important, yet probably unknown. Your love as a foster parent is quite essential to the child’s health, well being, and future. Without this type of love, a love that does not judge and is forgiving, a child will not form necessary and healthy attachment with others, resulting in a number of attachment disorders. Children in foster care who suffer from these disorders will have great difficulty connecting with others, as well as managing their own emotions, not only during their childhood and time in foster care, but many times throughout the remainder of their lives Emotional difficulties such as a of lack of self worth, trust, and the need to be in control often result in the lack of unconditional and healthy parental love. As anyone who has worked with children in foster care will tell you, most of these children face an enormous amount of emotional issues, many times stemming from the lack of healthy love; the love of a parental figure

Yet, I believe I have received the most love, myself, as a foster parent. I have learned to love deeper, more openly, and without abandon I have learned to love each child that comes into my home in an unconditional manner, and without reservations. I am no longer ashamed to tell people that I love them. I cry openly now, and am no longer embarrassed when it happens. The saying that “real men don’t cry” is rubbish to me. I have become an emotional cripple in that manner, yet in a healthy way In a way that I embrace

Foster parenting has created a sense of urgency within me to make a difference in the lives of those in need. Perhaps it is due to the children’s horror stories that I have been witness to, and have watched come through my home I now am able to see the pain and suffering in others, and am better equipped to help them. To be sure, I have always been one that has wanted to

help others, but since I have become a foster parent to children who have suffered from abuse, from neglect, and from being abandoned, all by those who profess to love them the most-their birth family members, I have felt compelled to help even more.

I have learned to forgive more Love and forgiveness are two actions that are intertwined, and cannot be separated If we truly love others, then we need to forgive, as well. Without forgiveness, there is no love When I was angry towards our foster teen’s mother, I was in no way sharing love. Instead, my stomach was in knots, and I was one tense parent I was shackled by my own inability to forgive someone, a prisoner to a debilitating emotion Yet when I did forgive her, it felt like a weight was taken off my own shoulders. One of the amazing things about the act of forgiving others is that it allows us better use our energies towards something that is more constructive, more positive Forgiveness frees us from the forces of hate and evil, and instead allows us to draw closer to others, and gives us more strength to do the work we are called to do. When we forgive the actions of our foster child’s birth parents, not only are we showing love to them, and empowering ourselves, we are also honoring all children

P a v i n g t h e W a y P a v i n g t h e W a y

Opening your home is a crazy thought

You don’t know what will be brought Into your home one day

It’s an interesting display

Full of love and hate

Some children cannot wait To go home to their family

Some just cannot see Why they are stuck in this place

They just wish they could erase All of the bad memories

Given from their families

Their hearts are full of pain

It’s something that’s hard to explain

Unless you lived it Or listened to it

It’s an experience like no other To welcome someone in as a brother

Who wants nothing to do with you

It’s sad but it’s true

You must learn to pave the way

For this child with you today

And later on down the way

They will come back and say “Thank you for being the one that’s stayed”

My name is Dakota Tallman. I am pursing my Bachelors Degree in Social Work at East Tennessee State University

My parents have been foster parents for seven years This has given me the chance to meet and help multiple children by being a foster sibling I wrote this poem titled “Paving the Way” to express the tough moments and happy memories that come with opening your home and heart to children that need you. I think this poem would be a great way to explain what people go through as foster parents, foster children, and being a foster sibling