Rhonda Sciortino is a Christian author, speaker, and successful survivor of trauma who helps people find their purpose She believes that everyone has the power to unlock a life of meaning, connection, peace, joy, and success
Rhonda’s passion is to help people break through their obstacles and limiting beliefs to tap their God given potential Through her books, blog, podcast, online courses and retreats, she has helped countless individuals enjoy the real success that accompanies fulfillment of their purpose
rhonda org
Sandie Morgan, R.N., Ph.D.(c) is the director of Vanguard University’s Global Center for Women and Justice She and her husband, Jean, have served as missionaries in Greece, where they first observed children trafficked openly Sandie and Jean founded Live2Free org, an organization founded to end modern day slavery
Chris Chmielewski is the Creator, Owner and Editor of Foster Focus Magazine, America's premier foster care magazine He spent five years in foster care before aging out He created Foster Focus so that others in care would have the most up to date information The magazine has given a platform to hundreds of voices from the world of foster care that would have otherwise gone unheard He has recieved numerous awards for his work and has the pleasure of running the magazine for a decade
Evelyu Polk, LMFT is a Foster/Adoptive parent, former Social Worker, and California Licensed Marriage, Family & Child Therapist, who is the founder of For A Child's H E A R T , Inc and Author of "It's Heart Work: Being The Village That Raises A Child" and "Meeting Les Brown: Ms Mamie Brown's Baby Boy"
www TalktoMsE com
Dr. John DeGarmo is a TEDx speaker and an international expert in foster care and parenting Dr John and his family have been a foster family for over 60 children who have come through their home He is a consultant to legal firms and foster care agencies, as well as a speaker and trainer on many topics about the foster care system He is the author of several foster care books, including The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home, and writes for several publications Dr John has appeared on Good Morning America, COURT TV, CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, PBS, Good Housekeeping, and more He can be contacted at drjohndegarmo@gmail, through his Facebook page, Dr John DeGarmo, or at The Foster Care Institute
Kathleen Jones is a former foster youth, advocate and author of "Foster Cat Foster Kid God Says You Don't Have to Eat Dirt Anymore!"
Nana Ekua Brew-Hammond is the author of Powder Necklace, which Publishers Weekly called "a winning debut " Named among 39 of the most promising African writers under 39, her short fiction was included in the anthology Africa39: New Writing from Africa South of the Sahara Her work has appeared in African Writing, Los Angeles Review of Books, Sunday Salon, and the short story collection Woman's Work She was a 2017 Aspen Ideas Festival Scholar, a 2016 Hedgebrook Writer-in-Residence, and named to the Miles Morland Writing Scholarship shortlist in both 2015 and 2014
In April 2015, she was the opening speaker at TEDxAccra
Every month, Brew-Hammond co-leads a writing fellowship at Manhattan's Center for Faith and Work Also noted for her personal style, Brew-Hammond's fashion sense has been captured by New York Magazine, Essence Magazine, and the New York Times, among many other outlets Recently, she founded the made-in-Ghana coat line Exit 14 Currently, Brew-Hammond is at work on a new novel brewhammond com
Foster Focus has never been, nor will it ever be, a corporate magazine.
Chris Chmielewski (hey, that’s me!) has never been, nor will he ever be, normal
This combination makes it nearly impossible to predict what the two will do from year to year
So my heart didn’t explode I didn’t die after all Sorry to those of you who had me in your local foster care magazine Editor Deadpool Since I’m still alive why not come back? Why not finish what I started? Why not continue my life’s work? Why not continue my life of poverty?
All jokes aside, well, not all jokes, I am me. But, most jokes aside, it was one hell of a rough break away from this thing I created back in 2011 There were some health scares, some hospital stays and a whole lot of life changes My life in no way resembles the life I had when I walked away from this magazine over a year and a half ago
Nor should my writing or style here on these pages.
It’s a new life and a new era for the magazine We’ve gone free and digital! No more paywall.
My backstory is well known, so I see no reason to write about myself any longer Ten years of journaling in the Editor ’s Notes is sufficient. You are more than welcome to check out the archive if you are unfamiliar with me Instead, I think this section would be better utilized if I spent my time here speaking to changes that will come with the magazine or explaining new features that come with this new online format I will continue to speak on the issues of care as they arise, because that’s the gig I signed up for all those years ago
Like all the other changes this year I’m learning as I go From what I gather, we are in for a really cool interactive experience with this new chapter of the magazine. I’m told I can add video and live links among a number of other features. I’m pretty excited about the possibilities
I was really hoping my first Editor ’s Notes back would be much more eloquent than this I mean, I’ve written some doozies over the years This one isn’t popping like I’d hoped Maybe it’s the uncertainty of coming back Maybe I have to get some confidence back after being away so long. Maybe I just need to knock the rust off
Whatever it is that is missing, it isn’t missing from my style or layout prowess. I brought the heat this issue It might be my best work
I did a kind of best of the last ten years thing that I hope you’ll appreciate. I updated the layout and I’m hoping the new presentation software you’ll be experiencing it through will make it really burst through your computer screen
I’ve waited a long time to come back and present this to you so no sense in putting it off any longer
Thanks to everyone who stood by me this year and the 10 before it It’s nice to be back
(A) Create a diversion.
(B) Look up the answer on your phone but pretend you knew it.
(C) Hire a tutor. For yourself.
When it comes to being a parent, there are no perfect answers — just being there is enough. So don’t worry, you don’t have to be perfect to be a perfect parent. There are thousands of teens in foster care who will love you just the same.
By Rhonda Sciortino Foster Focus Contributor
By Sandie Morgan R.N., Ph.D.(c) Foster Focus Contributor
When I was abandoned by my biological mother at six months of age, I became a “ward of the court,” a common term used in the 1960’s. For most of the first 16 years of my life, my mentally ill maternal grandfather and alcoholic grandmother were my guardians. (I think the only thing they actually “guarded” was the monthly check that accompanied my presence in the dilapidated, filthy shack we lived in.) I experienced verbal and physical abuse, poverty, filth, and hunger for my entire childhood, except for the very brief time when I was with a foster family.
I do not know the names of my foster parents, and I don’t know what city they lived in; in fact, I remember very little about them But I know that they showed me simply by the way they lived their lives that there were people in the world who lived in a clean house, had plenty to eat, didn’t yell at one another or hit each other, and who actually seemed to enjoy one another ’s company The brief time I spent with those people was the first time I could change clothes without someone watching It was the first time I slept peacefully through the night without my stomach all tied up in knots Consequently, I’ve always thought that people who care for other people’s children are some of the best people in the world
Sadly, I was removed from the care of those wonderful people because they took me to church, which was considered wrong in the Southern California county where I lived in the days immediately following the Supreme Court ruling to remove prayer from schools
I was placed back with the people who beat me, burned me, and told me repeatedly that they hadn’t signed up for raising another kid I
emancipated at the first possible opportunity age 16. I grew into adulthood thinking there was nothing worse than child abuse I couldn’t find a way to repay those foster parents, but I dedicated my career to protecting and defending good child welfare providers through insurance and risk management
When I was 27, I started a retail insurance brokerage, which was the only insurance organization in the U.S. dedicated solely to protecting child welfare organizations When I was 34, I founded a national company to help retail brokers all over the country do the same for the child welfare organizations in their areas. I’ve sold those companies, and I now serve as the national child welfare specialist for Markel Insurance Company
Through my involvement with child welfare organizations throughout the U S , I’ve heard about sexual exploitation of children, but I had never fully connected the dots between foster care and the commercial sexual exploitation of children until I met Sandie Morgan, Director of Vanguard University’s Global Center for Women and Justice
Sandie taught me that the selling of children for sex is a business, so it’s important that we call it what it is–not “prostitution” but “Commercial Sexual Exploitation of Children ” Law enforcement professionals call it “CSEC.” Twelve-year-olds dressed up to look like they are 23 years old are not prostitutes but victims They don’t want to be on the streets soliciting sex. The pimp isn’t their boyfriend and protector as many have been brainwashed to believe.
Sandie taught me that cartels and gangs understand that when they sell drugs or guns, the asset is gone But
when they sell a child, they have “reusable assets” that can be sold as many as fifty times in one night My stomach clenched when I heard this
Although I was not trafficked, I could so easily have been in that position When I was 8 or 9 years old, I knew through the other kids on my street that I was the only little girl who had not been raped The day I met Sandie Morgan, I learned that the only thing worse than abusing an innocent child is profiting from the abuse of a child
Everyone involved in foster care needs to understand that foster kids are prime targets for traffickers. They’ve been abused, often in a sexual way, so they think so little of themselves Those who have been sexually molested have a tangled thought process about sex trafficking Some victims say, “My sexual innocence was being taken from me at home for free At least now I’m earning money for it ” Some victims think the pimp (often referred to as their “Daddy” or “boyfriend”) actually rescued them
from the street These are the cases when the child ran away from a group home or foster home and no one came to get them
Vanguard’s Global Center for Women and Justice reports that runaway kids are approached by traffickers within 48 hours of running away They also report that many kids hanging out in parks, malls, etc., resist traffickers the first few times they approach But by the fourth time a trafficker approaches them, they are usually out of options, and ultimately succumb Pimps tell girls, “See, no one is looking for you No one is coming for you. No one cares if you live or die But I’ve been here trying to look after you and bringing you something to eat four times now ” How can she argue with that logic?
One pimp actually wrote a “guideline” for people who want to get into the trafficking business! He used Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to give step-by-step instructions on how to coerce the girl or boy to willingly cooperate It’s evil, and it’s being done throughout the U S Make no mistake that this heinous crime is prevalent in the U S
By now you may be wondering what you can do about the commercial sexual exploitation of children The answer is “MUCH!” First is prevention As people who care about foster kids, the best thing we can do to help kids avoid being trafficked is to help them gain a sense of their own worth and value We can instill this attitude by helping them to identify their good characteristics, including those developed as coping mechanisms for the pain they’ve felt. These may be the very things that bug you about the kid! The characteristics of successful survivors of abuse include strength, resiliency, resourcefulness, persistence, courage, the ability to adapt to different people and environments, and the ability to assuage angry people
80% of young people in the business of human trafficking were once in foster care; over 1.7 million children are engaged in the human sex trade in the United States.
Pointing out a child’s unique characteristics is like describing to a blind child how he or she looks Imagine telling a child who is blind that she has beautiful, shiny brown hair, beautiful eyes, and long, brown eyelashes As she begins to believe she’s beautiful, she sits up a little straighter As foster kids begin to believe that they are stronger and more resourceful and braver than the average person, they begin to believe they have worth and value
Another way to prevent the children within your influence from being trafficked is to instill a sense of their belonging Include them in your family activities, family pictures, and family responsibilities.
An important element of stopping trafficking in your area is to help stop the demand Teach the boys in your care how to treat girls Teach all the children within your influence that the “pimp culture” isn’t acceptable For example, kids (and adults) think nothing of naming a TV show “Pimp My Ride” and listening to music that speaks of pimps and the girls [not the words they use] in the “stable.” My friend Joanne Feldmeth, director of Royal Family Kids Clubs, says, “The media tends to glamorize the pimp, excuse the john, and shame the victim ” If foster kids
throughout the U S refused to go along with the “cool factor” of the “pimp culture,” we could do what gay and lesbian advocates have done with the use of the word, “gay” to mean uncool or stupid. Using the word “gay” to mean stupid is now considered taboo
Lastly, you can help stop trafficking in your community by being on the lookout for any suspicious activity Watch for adults, usually men, talking with young girls It happens at massage parlors, truck stops, hotels and motels, parks, fast food restaurants, malls, and on the street When you see it, you can call the National Trafficking Hotline, 1-888-3737-888, or go online to make a report that will be investigated www polarisproject org/whatwe-do/national-human-trafficking-hotli
ne/report-a-tip You can provide your name or remain anonymous.
A complete list of tips for recognizing the signs is:
polarisproject org/human-trafficking/recognizing-the-signs.
You can also stay informed on the issues by subscribing to the Global Center for Women and Justice podcast:
gcwj vanguard edu/eht-podcast/eht1
For more information on Rhonda Sciortino, go to www rhondasciortino com To contact Rhonda, email her at rhonda@rhondasciortino com For information, resources, and training, go to Vanguard University’s Global Center for Women and Justice at;
gcwj.vanguard.edu
Fear is not an option in the NFL. It has no place in a league full of exaggerated size and strength. There is nowhere for fear to live in a workplace where an opponents’ sole purpose for being on the field is to incapacitate you. There is no room for fear in the NFL.
For 17 Sundays through the fall and winter Jimmy Graham checks his fear in the Superdome parking lot, enters a building that has stood tall through the fear of a nation. He dawns the uniform of a champion, further covering up any traces of remaining fear. The welcoming smile that usually covers his face is long gone.
Through pre-game warm ups he is focused, paying attention to detail. He runs hard, catches the ball with purpose and plays and replays game scenarios in his mind.
When the stadium lights go on, the music starts to play, energy grows to a fever pitch and the opening kickoff sails just under the white roof of the dome. Any fear is gone.
Fearless is the best description for an NFL Tight End. As a top Tight End in a league full of game changers at the position, Jimmy Graham is asked to retain 350 lb monsters from hitting QB Drew Brees. He is asked to run across the middle of the field and pluck bullet fast passes from the air while being sandwiched between head hunting defensive backs. He is asked to score the touchdowns that might allow the New Orleans Saints to have a home game for the Super Bowl. The goal post dunks after TD's are a bonus Jimmy gives to the fans.
Last year Graham led all tight ends in receptions with 99, went to the Pro Bowl and is a thorn in the sides of defensive coordinators across the League. This is how Jimmy Graham spends his Sundays now, fearless. He is a hero to thousands of kids and a must have in
The only stumbling block was the matter of a mere $98 00 per month from Jimmy’s mother Jimmy’s stepfather wanted it; his mother wasn’t willing to pay it The solution as they saw it was to drop a young 9 year old boy off on the stairwell of Social Services. Fear.
"She just left me there," said Graham while speaking to Foster Focus at New Orleans Saints training camp "I was small and scared. My mom had left me in a kid jail, basically ”
So at age 11 Jimmy once again was given away This time he found himself
Foster Focus: When did you start to feel that you had really made it?
Jimmy Graham: I feel like I haven’t completely made it because now it’s the transition to me sharing my stor y I’m a pilot now and eventually I’m going to link up with a foster and have a program where I can take kids up. Fly with them and teach them that the sky is the limit!
fantasy football leagues nationwide. But that wasn't how it started There was a time when fear was a daily companion
Jimmy Graham spent the early part of his life in Goldsboro, North Carolina Born into a lower middle class home
His mother would bring him home for a few years, until one morning she told Jimmy they were going for a ride What started off as a seemingly harmless ride quickly changed tone “She stopped the car and told me to get out, I had no idea what was going on.” Fear.
among much older boys, much colder boys, boys who had given up “There were violent offenders, thieves and deviants. I was NOT supposed to be there. I was a normal, polite kid I had to figure out how to get along there ”
Foster Focus: When did you realize you were more or supposed to be more than just a foster kid?
Jimmy Graham: It took me a long time, I felt like I was running away from it [ foster care] I was literally running for my life to never have to go back to something like that. I used it as motivation not as a crutch.”
owned and operated by a very young and very scared single mother who often unloaded the young boy on family members Years of struggling to make ends meet led to the most pivotal and fear filled moment of Jimmy Graham's life
Graham's mother was looking for a way
FF: Did you understand what was happening to you?
FF: It was a rough place you went to?
JG: It wasn’t a foster home at all it was a ……a kid jail.
On one unforgettable afternoon, Jimmy was left alone in a van with five of the other residents. What happened next would result in a bed ridden Graham recovering for three days The boys had decided that the much smaller boy would be a sufficient punching bag as they took turns beating on him Swollen eyes matched with bruises would be a
JG I had a ver y unique situation. Most people get taken away. I was actually dropped off by my mother. One day I’m living a pretty normal life, to the next day my whole entire world turned upside down
FF: Most people don’t understand what it takes to enter a strange place. Did being in care and having to adjust to someone else’s ways make it easier to handle college and the NFL?
JG: One of the things it makes you do is it makes you grow up faster. For me at 11 I had to turn into a man. I had to be more accountable for things I had to do for myself It’s made me a ver y strong, independent, individual I know where I came from, I know what I’ ve been through, I think it’s made me the competitor that I am.
FF: Do you have plans to start a foundation?
JG: I’m linked up with Boys Town Louisiana I did a t v special with one kid also linked up a couple of my endorsements with them so they are more prof itable. There are some great kids there.
out A custody arrangement was made with Jimmy’s ex-stepfather as guardian
With his sister crying in the car he was led into his new home; a group home for orphans and troubled youth An unfortunate placement of circumstance for a fragile young man. As he sat through his mother signing Jimmy over to the state, the gravity of what was happening began to reveal itself to the young boy, now alone Fear
reminder of Jimmy’s vulnerability in his new environment He begged his
mother to bring him home, that the environment was just too much for a boy that small to take He was met with a dial tone. Fear.
After nine intense months at the home Jimmy’s mother finally brought him home The abuse continued, this time at the hands of a new boyfriend Fear
He would seek refuge in a weekly prayer group that offered free food A few months of interaction with Jimmy led Becky Vinson, a volunteer, to take a special interest in the bright young boy As time went on Jimmy and Vinson formed a bond which allowed Jimmy to open up about his problems at home and his fear of returning to a group home.
It was all the young nursing student and mother to her own young daughter needed to begin feeling like Jimmy needed a family that wanted him too Over time the subject of Jimmy becoming a member of the small Vinson family began to take shape When he was finally adopted Jimmy’s emotional circumstances had changed drastically Through hard work on the part of Becky Vinson, Jimmy’s financial and living circumstances changed as well While going to nursing school the Vinson family did have to live in a trailer where heat was a luxury They were so happy to be a family the 3 simply layered up and weathered the hard times. “With Becky and Karina I finally had a family ”
With his life starting to take shape, Jimmy began to take school and sports much more seriously, improving his grades to As and Bs, becoming the focal point of the basketball team and a joy to be around
Says Vinson of her son, “I’m a better person because Jimmy Graham is my kid ”
People started to notice Specifically the people at the famed
University of Miami. A gifted basketball player, Graham did well for himself while he was a Hurricane Late in his Junior season, Bernie Kosar, the famed University of Miami and NFL quarterback saw something in Graham and encouraged him to play for the school’s football team After some coaching and training with Kosar, Jimmy found himself on the field at Miami as a tight end for one of the most recognized football programs in the country
Though only catching 17 passes in his 13 games during his Senior year at Miami, he showed a knack for finding the endzone His 5 touchdowns were enough to catch the eye of several NFL scouts.
In 2010 NFL draft Jimmy sat in wait during the first two rounds as countless NFL draft rooms across the country plotted their next moves In the third round with the 95th pick of the draft, Jimmy was again at the mercy of others to decide his new home
The New Orleans Saints, who too had known the feeling of not having a home, chose Graham to be a part of one of the most electric offenses in all of football
Jimmy wasted no time becoming a friend, teammate and family member in his new home. He quickly became a locker room favorite His first year in the league was spent learning the fast paced offense and gaining his timing with quarterback Drew Brees He
caught 31 passes for 356 yards with 5 touchdowns More importantly Graham showed he could be a proficient blocker which would translate to more time on the field, leading to more chances to make an impact
In 2011, with a year under his belt, Jimmy exploded onto the national scene. His league best 99 receptions catapulted him on to the radar of every NFL Defensive Coordinator and a nightmare for defensive backs the league over
At 6 foot 7 inches and 265 pounds Graham is much larger than most cornerbacks and safeties Combine that with his blazing speed gained from years on the basketball court and he’s too much for any linebacker to keep up with The result was 1,310 yards and 11 touchdowns
Jimmy Graham finds himself as one of the top tight ends in a league that continues to find new ways to utilize the elite players at that position. In New Orleans he has found a home, the city that was in need of heroes has found one in a quiet likeable kid who almost got lost on his way to stardom They relate to his path and his “no quit” attitude They share a survivors mentality that most people can not understand He has reached out to the Louisiana BoysTown to give back to local kids in the system, further endearing himself to the people of the Big Easy
Jimmy has been running his whole life Running to gain approval from an absent mother. Running to prove his worth to the family that opened their arms for him Running to stay out of the system And running to become a better person
But he doesn’t run from fear Fear has no place in the life of Jimmy Graham a boy once given away for ninety eight dollars
OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA can be a dark place. The underappreciated city by the bay, dwarfed by its neighbor San Francisco and its swanky well to do residents. This is a working class city Absent are the hills and trolleys of San Francisco, they are replaced by abandoned cars and dreams.
The faces you see on the street have been hardened by life’s misfortunes, the casualties of the tech boom happening all around them. The hands of the residents in the tougher neighborhoods are raw like the reality they are faced with day to day
It’s a place where gang member numbers rival that of the downtown workforce. Where drug addicts and homeless intermingle with hard working citizens of the city. It’s a harsh reality to come of age.
Fiends become parents, parents disappear, and the street is given the responsibility of raising a generation of lost souls.
The good is there but it’s clouded by the smog of desperation that plagues the rough sections. There are criminal enterprises around every corner. Hustlers run the street alongside those studying for a better future. Good Samaritans are often outnumbered by the pimps who walk unafraid down streets lined by members of their stable.
Each girl’s face, young, scared, lost Each girl’s story sad, painful, all too familiar
When the streets raise you, you have no comprehension of family. A kindness can come from a wolf in sheep’s clothing Before you know it, you are gone; a shell is left in your place. You feel nothing, you understand even less. These people who care for you need you to do a little something for them.
This is the place Withelma "T" Ortiz Walker Pettigrew called home.
She would spend her toddler years as a member of a struggling family Efforts were made but the state stepped in to “care” for the little girl. The neglect continues.
Eighteen of her life years would be filled with more neglect. Foster care became home. Bouncing from home to home. Coming back to the neighborhood when the foster homes ran out
A ten year old T, as she was nicknamed, searched for a place to call her own. The pretty girl didn’t have to wait long.
A pimp preys on the vulnerability of an unloved child. The younger the prey, the easier the grooming process. Grooming is the act of breaking down, then rebuilding
a victim. They are isolated. They are given measured affection and praise mixed in with degradation and violence
A victim is given a place to live and a job to do In return they are made to feel like a part of the family They believe they have found the love that has eluded them To earn that love they will do whatever they are told The victim begins to feel as if they are a part of the team, the decision making process This is an illusion created by the predator
The ultimate goal of the grooming process is to create a mindless drone whose only task is to bring in as much money as possible for the family (I will use terms like “family” and “love” because these are the terms used to brainwash sexually trafficked victims, clearly love and family do not actually exist in this environment). The victim becomes an earner; her body becomes the source of her income They learn their perceived power lies in their sexuality, though at ten years of age, sexuality is a foreign concept
Through violence or in very rare cases; tenderness, the victim is introduced to the world of sex Most cases involve a singular figure, the pimp, gaining the trust and love of the victim before testing that love How do you test that love? You have your entire group of friends take turns having violent sex with the victim until the victim’s will is broken
The victim can also be manipulated into it depending on their exploiter After nonstop badgering, a victim can begin to agree with their aggressor, that they are not worthy of love That they are unwanted. That no one is looking for them Once the victim falls in line the captor can then position themselves as the savior. You are wanted by me. You are worthy of only my love, with conditions I will look after you I will care for you.
What’s the result of cracking an egg and removing its’ contents? You are left with a shell You can then fill that shell with whatever contents you choose
This is the process pimps and human traffickers use to create their “stable”, or group of victims sent to the street to earn for the family.
This was T’s world
Now that the 10 year old T was broken down, it was time to earn
The life of a girl on the street is a monotonous one It’s designed to be No friends, no love or attention from anyone. Isolation is key for dependency. Time is spent in the street Smiling to passer-byes Disappearing on the rare occasion the police roll by. But most importantly, and the key to her survival, is making money
T was required to bring in, at minimum, one thousand dollars a day The consequence for coming up short? A beating.
But the naïve girl thought this was how a family functioned. You do your work, you make your money and you receive the love of your pimp, the only love that matters. You mess up, you take the beating That was T’s reality for years
The foster homes changed. Social workers looked the other way Checks were collected A life was crumbling
Routine
As T grew older her body developed. A child ensnared in this life, who has the body of a woman, leads to more money making opportunities for the pimp and more chances for pedophiles to buy the company of what they know to be a child.
Massage parlors, strip clubs, internet sites and express paper classified ads were now a new avenue from which to gain the necessary funds to prevent a beating.
She continued to be moved from home
to home, always finding her way back to the street She was becoming a problem for the homes she stayed Fiercely independent, she would not be told what to wear, where she could go, when she should return The streets have a way of distorting your world view.
The foster homes changed Social workers were now dealing with a runaway Checks were collected A life was losing value
A Changing of the Guard
Comfortable criminals make mistakes. Around the time T turned 15 the man responsible for the life she was living had been arrested and sent off to jail. I bet you are hoping this is when she is rescued from the hell that is her life and put on the right path aren’t you? N
When a pimp goes to jail the money doesn’t stop, it just takes a few more steps for it to get to him T was now under the guidance of the exploiter ’s street family She was expected to continue earning
The problem with the new management was they weren’t the original manipulator. Their hold on T wasn’t nearly as strong as his hold over her The foundation began to crumble
For T, foster care and being exploited went hand and hand She was a check to her foster family, a check to the social worker in charge of her case and cash to the man who said he loved her Eighteen was the way out but it was so far away She’d continue to run away to the streets until the world saw her as an adult. Her sister had been murdered when T was just 14 It was too much to take There were too many bad things associated with her time in care. Eighteen years in the system would be all she could take A bigger crack in the foundation.
She then met the woman that would show her the way out (Here’s the part you’ve been waiting for)
Adela and T met after Adela had heard of her story and the connection was instant. Upon hearing about the life Withelma was leading, Adela made a promise she intended to keep She would be there for the young teen, expecting nothing in return She wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t disappear, she would stay with her until she knew she was safe from her current life
“She took me to get my I.D.” Withelma recalls, “It was the first time I felt human ”
It was the little things that started to make a difference With each small move toward normality, Withelma began to shake off the clutch of the street
With the help of Adela who took the steps necessary to become T’s CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) she would find her way to independence But there would be bumps on the road to stability
Amidst all the changes she was experiencing Withelma found her first healthy relationship with a man It was a foreign concept; to be treated like a worthy person She had trouble understanding that this man wanted nothing from her, a misinterpretation that was highlighted when she tried to give him money only to be turned away
“I cried I thought he didn’t love me because he wouldn’t take my money ” “He explained that he didn’t need my money, didn’t want it He told me real women have jobs, make money for themselves.”
She felt this would be the relationship that would set all the good things in motion. For a while it was great. But the
streets have a way of taking back what it feels belong to them
Withelma’s love was killed.
She was left to pick out a suit for the funeral and handle affairs well beyond her age or experience
Again she was lost, again she felt alone. Except this time she wasn’t She had friends now, friends that would snap her back to reality.
“When I felt like giving up I was reminded that this man had sacrificed for
me. It was on me to make that mean something ”
Withelma T Ortiz Walker Pettigrew emerged from tragedy a new woman. Independent, in control of her life, her mind, her story and ready to share that story to help others that came up the same way she did
She began to share the tale of her life in order to give a clear insight to those who can impact change
She caught the eye of politicians and activists She was invited into the upper echelon of leaders; spoke out in rooms full of world leaders. They were drawn to her knowledge and first-hand accounts She was articulate and insightful. She began to garner their praise.
As time went on she gained confidence, presence and her voice. That voice would be heard
Thought it wasn’t the intent, her story brought with it important ears that were eager to listen The owners of those important ears would nominate young Withelma T Ortiz Walker Pettigrew for recognition, the most notable of those moments of acknowledgement, at the time, was being named 2011 Glamour Woman of the Year
The award was given for her bravery in telling her story and empowering girls who were victims of human trafficking lending a face to the cause and a goal for which to strive.
The girl from the streets found herself among the powerhouses of the fight against human trafficking and those who are sexually exploited No longer among the desperate and lost, she was now rubbing shoulders with celebrities like Jada Pinkett Smith, Robert DeNiro and Susan Sarandon
While all of that is very exciting, it isn’t what drives Withelma No, the fight is still very real for her, she has an agenda that is far from the glitz and al-
lure of fundraisers and celeb packed events “I won’t be done until I am SURE I have saved one kid ”
I first met this fireball at a Congressional Coalition on Foster Care, Shadow Day a few years back
She works with so many foster care and human trafficking committees that they could fill a magazine page without room to spare But I know her from her work with Congresswoman Bass, the co-chair of the Congressional Caucus, the National Foster Care Youth and Alumni Policy Council and is a Young Woman Leader and Member of the Board of Directors for the Human Rights Project for Girls Based in Washington, D.C. among many other places we cross paths
She has become a little sister to me, which made writing this article pretty unbearable The Withelma that I know is vibrant, happy and poised, nothing like the little girl I was forced to write about earlier
I’ve written dozens of stories about people who have suffered trauma but none are as close to me as the Latino girl version of me. We share a drive for change, for informing the world of the things we’ve seen We share a nonstop motor and positive attitude. We’re both quick to revert to straight talk in order to get our point across and yet open minded enough to hear all sides of the story.
I’m constantly in awe of her perseverance and dedication to her cause. So I was overjoyed, as any brother would be, when I found out she was named one of Time magazine’s Most Influential Voices
To be named one of the Most Influential Voices by Time is an honor given to a select few each year As an advocate, I can’t think of a loftier achievement I had to take the time during foster care month to tell you the story of Withelma T Ortiz Walker Pettigrew Not because Ricky Martin wrote a blurb about her for Time Or because she has been on Katie Couric and MSNBC Or because of the rousing testimony before the House Committee on Ways and Mean’s
Subcommittee on Human Resources on how the foster care system makes kids more vulnerable to sexual exploitation and trafficking. Or because she sits on the Glamour advisory board, the same board that nominated her for the 2011 award. Or because she has become the go to voice of this generation when it comes to human trafficking
All those things are amazing but I’m telling you about this young lady because she takes action. Because she doesn’t sit back and watch her life replayed by girls all over the world Because she fights her fear and the rush of traumas coming back to tell her hellish story to help people help these girls Because she went to the darkest places on Earth, places you and I are fortunate to never have seen and she came out of it looking like a leader.
Because she has a heart as big as the city she comes from. Because she’s my friend Because she’s a survivor But most of all I’m telling you about Withelma T Ortiz Walker Pettigrew because her story needs to be told if for no other reason so I never have to write about another girl lost to the street.
For all the bellyaching I do about my health, life isn’t all bad.
On an oddly warm Winter Tuesday night, in the most famous city in the world, I’m about to enjoy one of the perks of being me; an interview with one of my favorite comedians, Monroe Martin III
We’re standing in front of one of the top comedy clubs in New York City, The Stand Monroe is fresh off the stage He’d done Big Jay Oakerson’s popular show “The Worst”, a show in which participants are encouraged to share their worst experiences. Monroe, a former foster kid, shared a memory of a fight he’d had with one of his foster dads A surely serious event made light by a gifted comedic mind That’s how he got to this point; one of New York City’s most promising and talented working stand ups. He’s living his dream.
For a bigger fella, Monroe stands about 6’4’’ or better, he moves and carries himself confidently, in a way that makes giant accessible, welcoming even. I’m immediately struck by his likeability Folks are gathered nearby, hoping for a word with the amiable comic. He’s tells me he’s always been a larger person, even in his teens as he bounced around the Philadelphia area’s many foster homes. And he’s always been friendly, despite some questionable placements
We bond over our mutual experiences in care and love of comedy. He’s been at it for a long time Two years after high school was his first time hitting a stage and he hasn’t looked back. Now a veteran comedian with over a decade of experience, he’s a sought-after act in the city and on the road. Touring is a lifestyle easily adapted to by someone from care
He tells me about some of his worst placements while in care, though if I’m being honest, I want to hear about his climb from a young Philly open mic-er, to a top young stand up who gets to work his craft up to 12 times a night in a city teeming with comedy clubs.
He got to New York with a whole lot of funny but not a whole lot of substance. It was comedian Keith Robinson, a man who helped another Philly comedian find his way through the clubs of New York, you may have heard of him, Kevin Hart, who would tell Monroe to draw from his life experience for material. The advice worked like a charm. Monroe began to share stories from his time in care. Audiences and critics responded to the new act and a career was born
Turns out, he had a wealth of stories to share from his time in care, which began at age 7 He entered care with his sister, they were quickly separated and with the exception of a few placements together through out the years, struggled to stay connected. His mother was in and out of his life during his time in care. The time they spent together has been a part of Monroe’s act, playing to big laughs
If you ask him, he’s lived in nearly every area of Philadelphia and its bordering towns His knowledge of the city aided him in his early years of comedy He became a stand out among a group of Philly comics that included Mike Vecchione
and (adoptee) Joe DeRosa. He worked the clubs of the city until he felt he was ready to graduate to the Big Apple
New York City is the epicenter of standup comedy The best of the best test their wares nightly. It’s a city where a comedian can work a dozen times a night throughout the week With that much exposure, comedians find they are tapped for all kinds of opportunities. Soon, Monroe would find himself a part of high-profile projects like The Last Comic Standing, a prime-time network comedy competition, or tv shows like Master of None on Netflix and The Jim Gaffigan Show. He even landed a part in a movie that starred Mindy Kaling and Emma Thompson in 2019.
Likeable, well adjusted, talented and driven, a betting man would put his money on Monroe Martin III to be successful going forward He’s got a lot of reasons to work his hardest, he’s recently married.
If you ask him, he’d tell you that everything that’s happened to him in his life was meant to happen It’s brought him to this point. If you ask me, it’s that positive outlook that’s brought him to this point That positive outlook and his hard work will be what takes him to the next level
After a great talk in the city that doesn’t sleep, I release Monroe to the gaggle of fans who waited patiently for the chance to interact with the funnyman. What I saw was a man, confident in his skills and his lot in life In true Monroe Martin III fashion, he made sure to speak to every single person who waited to talk to him Accessible Likeable. Confident. Comfortable with who he is
You’re going to want to see what he does next You can keep tabs on his career via social media, he can be found at @MonroeMartinIII on all platforms. Or check in at his website monroemartincomedy com
I’m grateful to have had the chance to talk with Monroe before COVID turned off the lights of the comedy scene. I’m looking forward to more chances to see him perform as the world tries to get back to normal.
It all starts on a dirt road that you would miss if you weren’t looking for it.
That dusty road becomes a strange metaphor of what lies ahead for the kids who find themselves on this gravel filled runway. Mysterious. Uncertain.
It is a long expanse of clay colored earth that leads to a plot of acreage that is changing how people in Oklahoma view foster care.
As you make your way down this stretch of road, just outside of Guthrie, properties begin to emerge; you’ll pass seven or eight of them before you reach your destination.
The road opens up to reveal a cast iron arch and gate. Above the arch, nestled between the silhouettes of a cowboy with a child and a horse are the words; Pepper ’s Ranch.
Back in 1999 this was all just sprawling land dotted with cattle.
The land, all 160 acres of it, was donated to the ranch with the intention of creating a boys group home
The first building went up a few years later in 2002. Pepper ’s Ranch was on its way. A second home sprang up in 2005, quickly followed by an equestrian center a couple months later An agriculture center would complete the 2006 landscape But there needed to be more.
The Pepper ’s Ranch model was working The boys were doing well The programs were effective but only serving a small group of boys. They felt they could do more.
They began to research exactly what they could do. They studied what other states had done, what worked, what didn’t They researched group homes and foster care communities in other states and decided that a foster care community was just what Oklahoma needed
In 2009 Pepper ’s Ranch became Oklahoma’s first foster care community
Here’s what that means A foster care community is basically a group of foster care families in close proximity to one another These families all work in conjunction to produce the best outcomes for kids in their care.
That’s it Foster families that share a neighborhood. There’s more that goes into it but that’s the basic definition Once the decision to be a foster care community was reached the houses began to pop up
Those two homes became ten homes. The Ag and equestrian centers were joined by a multi-purpose learning center, complete with a library, classrooms
and a basketball court The once wild terrain morphed into a quaint neighborhood. Paved roads, beautiful homes and a manmade lake where the kids can fish are now the landscape of this growing community.
I arrived at the ranch on a brisk November morning I took that long dusty road and my first thought was; “If I were a kid, it would feel like this road will never end!”
I was met by nearly a dozen toddler aged kids of all backgrounds making their way to a van that would take them up the hill to the learning center After driving for the better part of a week, meeting foster care folks all over the Midwest, the smiles on the faces of those adorable kids were a welcomed change of pace.
After a bunch of hellos and high fives I was greeted by the ranch’s Executive Director, Tonya Hagen-Ratcliff Not only is Tonya the Executive Director but she’s also an adoptive mom and fos-
ter parent right there on the premises I’m a big fan of those who stay in the game. It would be easy to drive down the road to her own life, separate from the ranch, but if you meet Tonya you’ll find that isn’t an option for her, she’s all in
She’s a happy, passionate person but you can see the seriousness with which she approaches the community
I was given a brief tour of her home that she shares with her husband of 14 years Travis and their kids; Evan age 10, Elliott age 9, Coy age 7, JT age 7, Reese age 5, Emma age 4, Ellis age 3 and Anthony, age 2 .
Tonya is Oklahoma through and through, born and raised in Oklahoma City which is just a short drive away She went to college at Central Oklahoma, is a die-hard Oklahoma City Thunder fan (we’ll talk about that shortly) and is the epitome of a Oklahoman; tends to animals, drives four wheelers and isn’t afraid of wildlife That “do everything” attitude lends itself well to her current position as the
caretaker of a community of likeminded families working to improve the lives of kids who may have found themselves in a far different situation.
I invited a friend of mine from the Arrow agency in Texas named Keith Howard Keith is a foster parent and a Director at Arrow Moreover, he cares about kids, cares about foster care and happens to be someone I respect and call friend Keith is also an Okie who was in the area visiting family at the time of my visit to the ranch I like connecting people so it was a no brainer that I invite him.
Once Keith arrived it was time to see the rest of the ranch.
It’s a lot bigger than I had anticipated I’m an east coast guy; we kind of stack our houses on top of one another around here Pepper ’s Ranch’s homes are spread out. There’s plenty of room to roam around while still being within the eye line of parents In my mind, I thought “It would be IMPOSSIBLE to run away from this place You could run for hours and everyone could still see you, the hills are more like mounds, very flat land ” But when you’re here for a bit, you see, no kid would really want to bolt from this place.
Our first stop was that multi-purpose learning center. It’s a large building that gets larger once you get inside As we entered the double doors there was a surprisingly well stocked library to the right and a classroom to the left Entering the second set of double doors we are in the basketball court where kids are running, playing and reading throughout Just off the court were more classrooms.
In one of the classroom I met a little boy creating a hand turkey masterpiece. He smiled as he dutifully glued feathers on to the construction paper Innocence Pure Joy.
The walls of the gym are adorned with
paintings and framed articles of Pepper ’s success stories The atmosphere is light Happy The kind of place that would have become my safe haven when I was in care There’s something calming about a place designed specifically for play. My hours spent at the YMCA came streaming back as we walked the carpeted floors to the different corners of the gym.
We walked back outside to find a snocone trailer parked in front of the building Tonya explained that a tornado hadn’t randomly dropped this cart here, rather it was donated. Pepper ’s donors are one of the reasons these kids have so many options on the ranch
After I daydreamed of sno-cones and summer days at the ranch for a few minutes, we headed to the Ag center.
When I say Tonya is Oklahoma, you need look no further for proof than to read the names of the animals at the ranch
The star of the animal team is a goat named Kevin Durant Yep Kevin Durant, the star Forward for the Oklahoma Thunder There are also chickens named Russell Westbeak and Serge Ibeaka (Russell Westbrook and Serge Ibaaka also of the Thunder) The fun just oozes out of this place
I guess you could say that I’m kind of urban The animal time was filled with me not wanting to touch the goats or horses and not being very interested in meeting the chickens I prefer to meet these animals on a plate. Seeing them makes me question my eating habits After getting our fill of animals, we made our way around the neighborhood Looking at the homes, learning about the people who inhabit these houses.
The process of becoming a Pepper ’s Ranch family is akin to working at the Pentagon Background checks, questionnaires, credit checks, references
The works.
Tonya explains that this community is collaborative effort and all steps must be taken to ensure that the best families populate the neighborhood
The entry process, while a rigorous one, is effective and fair
Applicants (foster parents) are asked to provide things like; why they foster, whether they are short or long term foster parents? In addition, they are asked to describe their personalities and parenting styles. Following an evaluation of their answers and the reference and background check requirements are met they are asked to visit the ranch.
It’s at this point that the decision is really made. They tour the ranch and interact with the other families to make sure both the applicants and the existing ranchers are comfortable with one another An interview with the Pepper ’s Ranch Board of Directors and Parent Committee conclude the process and a decision is rendered
Logic says that with this intense a vetting process and attention being paid to everyone’s comfort that diversity may be lost. That isn’t the case at Pepper ’s. Though the ranch’s occupants are predominantly white, mainly because Oklahoma is prominently white, there is a very diverse community at play Nearly all races are represented In addition, the original idea of a group home for boys evolved into a community that houses both boys and girls with an emphasis on keeping siblings together.
Of the 70-plus children that live with the 12 families that comprise the ranch, 48 of those children are siblings There’s an even split between boys and girls at last count. The average age is 7. While some are biological children, 11, the bulk are adopted, 35, or foster children, 25. The emphasis on care and adoption from care is prevalent
If an applicant is accepted, it’s moving day!
Accepted applicants move in to spacious homes with plenty of room for all family members big and small The payment arrangement is simple; families pay a ridiculously small monthly fee to the Tennant’s Association for events and upkeep. Consider it a kind of rent A seriously low rent, but a kind of rent nonetheless
That goal is a normal, healthy life for the kids who live here Adopted, biological or foster, the kids are the focus of everything that happens here.
There is art therapy, pet therapy, horse riding, drama therapy, sports and exercise programs, as well as on-site therapy and counseling
All of these programs are geared toward breaking the cycle of abuse and neglect
way to deal with whatever trauma they’ve been through is enormous Often times, when it comes to foster care, kids are treated with a one size fits all mentality This way of thinking has accounted for the high percentage of prescribed psychotropic drugs among foster youth It seems that with the Pepper ’s model there’s no rush to judgement. A child is looked at as a partner in the healing process
Accepted applicants have some rules to follow for that next to nothing rent Foster parents are required to have a minimum number of foster youth in their home at all times One of the parents must maintain a full time job. There are home inspections and all the other aspects of being a foster parent in place. Bills must be paid on time and you must keep the home in great condition There are other guidelines and rules in place to ensure that the best families populate the ranch Small price to pay to live in a community where everyone is working toward the same goal
that so many of the kids that live here have faced in their short lives
Tonya says, “By teaching these children the components of healthy living, quality life skills, and giving back to society we can break that cycle.” She may be right
The diversity of the Pepper ’s Ranch model may be the key to its success With so many therapeutic programs within the families’ reach, it gives the kids more of a chance to find the one that suits them
What that can do for a child who needs a little extra time to find a comfortable
As with all things foster care related, time will tell how successful the ranch and its’ programs are But in the short term, there have been plenty of success stories Siblings able to stay together despite being in the foster care system, kids finding their way to college or a normal life and the growth of the ranch may be the biggest indicator of success Once a field for grazing cattle and wildlife, this acreage has been transformed much like the lives of the families who currently inhabit the land.
The old adage has always been “it takes a VILLAGE to raise a child”. Maybe it takes a ranch?
Misty Stenslie shuffled between thirty placements in eight states throughout the twelve years she spent in foster care 9 Her diagnoses included depression, oppositional defiant disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder, and a sleep disorder 10 She stated, Because of the instability in my living situation, it seemed that the only option the professionals in my life were able to take for treating all of the diagnosed conditions was prescribing medication I was on more medications than I [can] count usually without my knowing what the meds were for, how I should expect to feel, side effects to watch out for, or any plan for follow up.11 According to the Surgeon General, nearly one in five children in the United States is affected by a mental health disorder 12 A subject of rising concern is the use of psychotropic medication among the general youth population, with a potentially higher prevalence among children in the foster care system
Misty was born on December 8, 1972 and passed away on Saturday, April 30, 2016. Misty was a resident of Bertha, Minnesota at the time of her passing The memorial service for Misty Claassen of Verndale will be held at 11:00 a m on Wednesday May 4 at the Johnson-Schuller Chapel in Wadena with Pastor Jeff Franko presiding. Visitation will be held one hour prior to the service After a painful six year battle with tick-borne diseases and earlyâonset Alzheimerâs disease Misty Stenslie Claassen died peacefully at her home on Saturday April 30 2016. Donations in her name may be sent to Foster Care Alumni of America
Misty Stenslie, Deputy Director of Foster Care Alumni of America (a community of former children in foster care that works to transform foster care practice and policy), spent about 12 years in foster care. She lived in about 30 different places which included kinship care (relatives), group homes, foster homes,
therapeutic foster homes, psychiatric facilities, and correctional facilities Stenslie says she was always bouncing from one place to the next, and over the years had hundreds of people that were responsible for her
"A social worker here, a judge there, hundreds of different people over the years, and yet somehow even with all those people looking out for me and taking care of me, I aged out with no family at all," Stenslie said. "On Tuesday you're a kid and somebody's there to take care of you, and on Wednesday you're an adult; and nobody's there."
As Stenslie puts it, "once you hit that magic birthday, foster care is done with you " No wonder so many of these kids, yes kids, flounder When I was 18, I still relied on my parents and grandparents and siblings for so many things--from phone calls of support to requests for small loans. Who do these kids call? The government isn't answering the phone
There are so many things young adults with families can take for granted What happens when you are in college or in your first apartment and you don't have enough money to do laundry? Most kids can call Mom or Dad or Grandma or Grandpa and hit them up for a few packs of quarters Stenslie didn't have anyone to call. She worked the closing shift at McDonalds, and after hours would put her clothes through the industrial dishwasher in the back room of the fast-food restaurant
There are life skills teenagers need to learn to make a smooth transition to adulthood--things like finding a job and an apartment, learning how to drive, balancing a checkbook, etc --but according to Celeste Bodner, Executive Director of FosterClub (a national peer support network for young people in and from foster care), the most critical issue is "permanence and having the safety net of people to connect to as you age out " Bodner says this is the make-
or-break factor for young people, often determining whether or not they will succeed in life or become another statistic.
"A lot of our young people, including our young leaders, are college students, they're smart, they're capable, they're prepared, a lot of them save money, they're very responsible," Bodner said. "And the one thing that can even derail those young people is not having people to call family."
Between the ages of 18 and 24, it's in-
that if you age out of the system without that permanent family, those kinds of challenges can be overwhelming
Stuart Eskenazi, a Communications Writer at Casey Family Programs, describes the "aging-out" experience of one former foster youth Eskenazi says the youth, from Orange County, Calif , was in foster care his entire childhood. He was only three months old when he was separated from his mother, and then had eight different foster care placements He spent nine years with his last foster family before that family kicked
evitable something disastrous (or seemingly disastrous at the time) will occur Bodner says even the most focused young adults can be completely derailed if they don't have people to help them "pick up the pieces" when these disasters strike.
All children want the same thing--a safe, loving, and permanent family. As McOmber puts it, kids need someone to turn to and be able to say "How do I do this?" or "I have a question" or "I need support " These are things that most of us take for granted, but McOmber says
him out of the house two weeks before his high school graduation According to Eskenazi, "he was basically forcibly removed from the home and had a really tough time trying to deal with the fact that all of the sudden, he had no family that he could rely on." He is now 20 years old Eskenazi says that while he is doing better, the first couple of years after aging out have been "incredibly challenging" for him
One of the obstacles in finding permanent families for older children is that many people who work in the system
don't focus on adoption after children hit a certain age, because they just don't think it's a reality But older kids can be, and are, adopted.
Tru here Another friend is gone; Misty Stenslie Claassen was 43 years old. She made the above zendoodle for me in December 2015
When you have many friends with terminal disease, it creates several side-is-
sues of grief, and that is a subject that needs addressed … but that is not my topic today
Recently discovered my friend Misty was no longer with us She and I shared background of tickborne diseases, dementia symptoms, love of art, and current tool of zen-doodles We both spent years in antibiotic treatment for various tick-borne diseases. Myself, I spent 5 years with the best doctors money could
buy and large expenditures of out-ofpocket expenses My memory is shot so I do not remember exactly how long Misty spent with antibiotics (for Lyme Disease) and anti-malarials (for tickborne babesia), but her obituary at http://minnesota.obituaries.funeral.com/ 2016/05/04/misty-claassen/ says, “
After a painful six year battle with tickborne diseases and early-onset Alzheimer ’s disease, Misty Stenslie Claassen died peacefully at her home on Saturday, April 30, 2016 ”
Like many friends, she had what I call an “end plan”, and put it into service; “I wanted to leave this world before the march of Alzheimer ’s took away all of my joy It was not “suicide” but rather a choice to die with some dignity ” She did not fear what comes next, but was looking forward to being free of the pain, confusion, terror, and other symptoms of her disease. There had already been times when she looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person looking back at herself. There had been times that, when waking, she didn’t know who the man in her bedroom was and felt terror. She needed assistance for grooming, adult diapers, and felt lost or afraid if her care-providers were out of sight, even in her own home. … So, she left this world in peace
In lieu of flowers, her request is that we all do something to make the world better “Some of the causes I cared the most about were people in and from foster care, animal welfare, sexual/reproductive health, and equal rights for all people. Donations in my name can be sent to the Foster Care Alumni of America Thank you I love you all ”
As Deputy Director for Foster Care Alumni of America (which she founded in 2004), Misty wrote this at Fostering Perspectives;www fosteringperspectives org/fp v15n2/Stenslie.htm
May her memory be a blessing
Thank you so much for the generosity of your time and willingness to do thiinterview, as there were several challenges which came in the way of our being able to have this conversation
Yes, and I have something for you Are you ready? Because challenges happen particularly when you adopt children: "When things go wrong don't go with them".
Okay! Don't go with them! [Laughter]
Yes! Challenges are very symbolic of life, and when you begin to look at the whole issue of adoption or just raising children period it's a very, very challenging experience. I'm very humbled when I look at my life and think about the fact that my mother adopted 7 children and raised us by herself I don't know how she did that because at one time just ONE was driving me crazy!
One of the things I've always admired is something you say at the end of your messages, which is now your signature sign-off :
"This has been Ms Mamie Brown's Baby Boy" Absolutely!'
You know I saw a quote once which just really stayed in my mind and I never forgot it It said simply that "God took me out of my biological mother's womb and placed me in the heart of my adoptive mother "
So when I did my television talk show there was a major dispute with the producers because television is a forum where they have their own standards and they just wanted me to say "You've been listening to The Les Brown Show. Thank you very much See you tomorrow"
I said "No that's not how I'm going to end this show". They said "How're you going to end it?"
I said "Well this is my show; and I'm here because of my Mama. Had she not chosen me with love, I would not be here So, I'm going to say this has been Ms Mamie Brown's Baby Boy"
They said "No one has ever done that before" I said 'Well, they're about to hear it"
That was the thing that just grabbed my heart when I first heard you speak
I always say I feel like Abraham Lincoln who said "All that I am, and all that I
ever hope to be, I owe to my mother. Mama was really something else
At what age were you aware that you and your twin brother were adopted?
Mama told us when we were 18.
Are you serious?
Yes, that's when we found out But it had happened one other time Mama told us when we were 17 about to be 18 because at that time we were her foster children and then she had to sign the documents to legally adopt us.
I'll never forget when I came home and my brother met me at the door. His eyes were red and he was crying He said "Leslie, guess what? We are adopted " I said "Is that right?"
I remembered when we were 9 years old a guy in the neighborhood said "Leslie! You and Wesley didn't come out Ms Mamie's Stomach" You know how children are So I ran in the house and said "Mama, he said we didn't come out of your stomach" She said "Tell that fool to shut up!" [Laughter]
So that was her way of dealing with it?
That was her way of dealing with it, but I could remember different times when Mama would say "Leslie and Wesley, come here I want to tell y'all something" and I can remember the tension and the stress around those quiet moments She would call us in the kitchen; Mama cooked a lot, and she never was able to tell us at that point of time I knew that the other children were adopted but I didn't know about myself
I have mixed issues about that because some people tell children early on, and then they tell them later on With me it doesn't really matter. I have friends who have gone on searches; and I have helped people to do searches for their biological parents. My mother's love was so encompassing, I just never felt, even after I knew, and my personality is
so much like her, I just never felt a void and I never felt a need to try and go back to find my birth mother or birth father.
I have been curious and wondered 'what kind of dude was he, my birth father?' But it's not something that drives me crazy as I've seen some people where it really effected them to that extent
When I had my television talk show my staff tried to get me to do a search because there were people who would call and try to say they were my mother or father just to try to get money out of it The trails would only go so far then turn cold.
The story has it that my biological mother had a relationship while her husband was away in WWII and she became pregnant and had us before he returned So I just can't imagine somebody, under those circumstances, putting down accurate information so they could be followed up on. Therefore the information that's on the birth certificate is fictitious People don't know that I used to wear a blue shirt when I'd speak because when Mama picked us up we were wrapped in a blue blanket.
You know, one of the things you said I
think really is the key because I do know of people who have done the search, and I know people who have not; but one of the things you said was her love was so encompassing --did I say that right? Her love was so full, so real, and so embracing for you, to paraphrase
Yes, it really was, and I was a problem child That's why I say "When things go wrong, don't go with them". Because when I was in the 5th grade I was identified as EMR-labeled Educable Mentally Retarded, and they put me back to the 4th grade; then I failed again in the 8th grade So it was very, very challeng-
ing, and very embarrassing and demoralizing as a kid coming up because my brother was very bright, very smart-he's smarter than I am now--, and quiet. I was very loud and ignorant! [Laughing]
As a motivational speaker it's very interesting for me because I help people
head, she said "I'm gonna whip his behind ain't nothing wrong with you boy" So she obviously had something right back then.
I had the whole experience of being great and grateful. My mother made me feel like a great person She cultivated a sense of goodness in me and she said to me constantly 'You're going to be somebody You're going to be something You're gonna be great one day'
Mama only had a 3rd grade education so when they told her I was EMR she did not understand and process that to the extent that most people who are more educated would, so she didn't really buy into it She said "You are going to be something great!"
in terms of knowing who you are. I always felt that I was special to my mother She made me feel special, even when she whipped me; even when I got in trouble; even when people said "You ought to take him back to the Welfare Department because something's wrong with him--he's touched in the head"; even when they called her to the school time and time again.
In my book "Live Your Dreams" I have stories about that. I never will forget the first time she came to my Spanish Class, I didn't know they had called Mama and told her to come to the school So they asked me "Mr Brown, what does Como esta Usted mean? I said "You have a Spanish Dictionary, why don't you read it yourself?" The kids in the class cracked up! I love to make people laugh even to this day. Now I get $25K an hour to make them laugh, and I laugh at myself!
The teacher looked toward the door and I did not know my mother was standing outside the door. Then the teacher said "What does 'Buenos Dias' mean Mr Brown?"
and work with kids and train with kids, taking them through an experiential process to change their subconscious mind; and while I'm talking about it I think about my mother because my mother always thought my subconscious mind was in my behind When they told her I was a little touched in the
She wanted me to become a lawyer for some reason or another, but I didn't become a lawyer, I became a law maker I was a State Legislator in Columbus, OH, so I wrote laws that lawyers interpreted I had the capacity to do that despite having been in Special Ed. After graduating from high school my brother went off to Vietnam, but I failed the military test. I was told you have to a special kind of dumb to fail that test So I stayed to take care of Mama, and did not go off to school.
It was really a defining point in my life
I told her "Why don't you tell ME? That's why they pay you " At that moment Mama came in the classroom and she had a belt. I said "Oh my God! Ask me again!" I was bilingual by the time I got out that class! I was jumping over chairs and everything! So I was good after that!
My brother never got in trouble! I use to say to him "What's wrong with you? Why don't you do something? They think I'm crazy!" He said "You ARE crazy!"
I just wanted to comment on your saying you were too dumb to pass the test I believe that there was a bigger plan and purpose for your life. I believe God knew the plan He had for your life and it wasn't intended for you to go into the military. When our children have situations in their lives, I think a lot of times a parents' goal is to mold and shape this
child's life and make them what THEY want them to be; but we need to realize You know this probably better than I do, but the quote by Khalil Gibran?
Yes, "Our children come through us not from us "
That is a real, real struggle. I never refer to myself as such, but I have two of my children who are adopted I have to say I've found parenting to be such a humbling experience I believe that if there's no other purpose for being a parent, it is to bring you in closer relationship with God It's such a powerless and helpless experience to have influence and impact on other youth, and not with your own children I've constantly said to myself "Mama I know what I took you through and I'm so sorry", and I cry thinking about the nights she laid awake thinking and worrying about me "
Fortunately I never gave up because of coaching from people such as yourself, and learned to detach myself in love and realize I could not run their lives, and realize they were building their lives, and that all I could do was love and pray for and believe that at some point what's inside of them will rise and they will come to themselves just as I did. Finally something Mama said clicked in and it created a hunger and a drive to do something that would make her proud of me
I got out of high school by the skin of my teeth, and whenever I would feel discouraged and feel like giving up on myself I would have a picture in my head of my mother being on her knees scrubbing people's floors and toilets to bring food home from the families' leftovers Although I was appreciative, my dream was to be able to bring groceries home for our family. We wore the hand-me down clothing of the children Mama babysat for Just thinking about how she sacrificed--she was a gorgeous woman who at 46 decided to adopt SEVEN children I decided I've GOT
to make something of myself.
How could this woman who did not have us, did not bear pain for 9 months to bring my brother and me, do this for us? With all the hell I caused her, how could she still love me unconditionally?
What do you believe was your mom's motivation to adopt?
You know when I had the talk show she was interviewed by a reporter and I was in the kitchen pretending not to listen, because I'd always been curious about that. I found her to be a very intriguing woman; and she said "I've always wanted to share my life with someone " My mother had a brother. They weren't raised together and she only saw him once or twice She was raised by her father and left home when she was only 12
Most people may have never noticed, but I used to wear a blue shirt when I would speak Mama said we were wrapped in a blue blanket when she met our biological mother and brought us home
Children usually have some perception of the family dynamics changing when other children come in. How did you feel about her adopting the other children?
There was no opportunity to have a feeling [Laughing]
Mama's dominance of love ran the house She never did "favorites" She treated us all the same. She would not give one of us something and not give the rest of us something Because she treated us all as if we were special and she taught us to look out for each other and love one another unconditionally
One of the things which is very important in the marriage of adoption is you've got to have a short memory if you want to really make it because Mama said things to me when she was
angry that I know she did not mean and I forgot them I also did things that would be mean and Mama forgot them I learned that from Mama.
When I saw my brothers or sisters didn't show appreciation I'd try to show her by saving my bottles and copper and collect junk for money to go to the store or downtown to buy her stuff, like a lamp or some bloomers! That little touched one in the head went and bought some big pink bloomers for his Mama! "I wanna buy these for my Mama" [Laughter]
See, she couldn't help but love you! That was her baby!
Is that right?
Something I wanted to ask you about which I spoke of in my book as a single adopt parent who became engaged and whose sons had a very difficult time accepting a male figure coming into our lives What was your response to your mom having a man in her life?
When I was about 9, Mama had a friend we called Daddy John L. They never married, but he was a very nice guy I knew Mama had boyfriends at different times but I knew this one was a man that was serious because she brought him home She didn't have men coming in and out.
He'd come by--he never spent the night at the house--to look at television together and I would sit between them I'd say "Mama what we gon' watch tonight?!"
I was blocking! You understand?! Can you feel a brother up in here?! Oh my God forgive me Mama! I know she wanted to knock me out!
He was so kind and so considerate and so much fun; and he liked us He took time out to do things with us I worked with him, he use to cut grass and I became very good at it and was a gardener for many years So it was a very good
relationship for all of us. It was not a negative factor.
I've heard such tragic stories over the years of people who were adopted and mistreated by their adoptive parents and their friends. Fortunately, thanks to God, that was not my case.
I'm curious to know if your and your brother's perceptions and reactions to being adopted were the same or even similar.
Interestingly, my brother and I only talked about it briefly Once, when we were 18 and Mama had to sign the papers to have her name placed on our birth certificates, make her our legal mother, and our original birth certificates were sealed. We never had the conversation again until Mama died. And let me tell you, our conversation is never about our adoption and our invisible parents, the conversation, interestingly enough how was our Mama, until the day she died , was able to keep those papers hidden from us, then somehow the day she passed she'd left our birth certificates out.
I found out my original name which was Calvin, and my brother's original name was Alvin We'd talk about that but never about being adopted
Her love was so powerful. She was a funny person and she was wonderful
The issue of adoption is more than "and they lived happily ever" story There are lots of issues and emotions which come up for all of the family members involved: the biological and adoptive families, the adopted and biological children, and even the extended family.
As Mr Brown shared, the love he experienced from Ms. Mamie touched his heart and left an indelible mark which has transcended throughout everything he's been through in life.
When we speak of doing something special "for a child's heart" we're not just speaking about childhood, but about the inner child of adulthood as well. It may not be easy but the ultimate goal is that children's hearts are made to feel warm, and they know they were loved despite all of the challenges of growing up
It is my hope that as "villagers" we touch children's hearts, so that when we're long gone and they become "the village" they can always have some remembrance or sense of feeling loved
By Chris Chmielewski Foster Focus Editor
At present, the world is being bombarded with exposed open secrets. Happened in Hollywood. Happened in Government. Happened in the world of Comedy.
Foster Care is no exception We’ve got a secret that we all know about, but dare not speak about
Since the beginning of an organized foster care system, there have been two things; kids and missing kids.
A Kansas child welfare task force meeting decided it would be the venue to let the cat of the bag, but those of us in or around the system already knew. We already knew that kids went missing. We knew they run away. We knew about botched or incomplete records We knew about clerical errors We knew about (mild wording) unintended reunifications where the family felt that the child had spent enough time in care. So, they just came and took them home. We knew about all these things. What the meeting and a pointed line of questioning did was put a number on our dirty little secret; 70 missing youth, double the previous year ’s count and a show of unawareness on the part of the top-tier of the foster care system
Kansas, the land of Orphan Train stops would come back into the limelight for yet another child welfare related issue. This time, they had to explain where all their kids were They couldn’t do it
From there, this Editor began to stand in the deluge of requests to cover the story. As you may know, I am in a unique position as both, a former foster kid and as the editor of a national magazine on the subject In addition to that, I happened to have
met with the Secretary of Kansas’ Department of Children and Families, Phyllis Gilmore, in person, in Kansas
As I am known to do, I traversed the country on my annual rounds about 2 years ago. I was invited to sit down with Sec Gilmore while passing through the Sunflower state Our time was only an hour, but we covered a gamut of topics. Runaways came up briefly It isn’t my place to judge what type of person someone is, only their qualifications and skill level On a whole, Gilmore knows her stuff She’s well-informed on her job and its many facets.
This makes the events during that child welfare task force meeting all the more perplexing When posed with a question of missing foster youth in the Kansas system, Gilmore appeared lost, ill-informed Not the poised, confidently informed that rattled of stats and case examples to me for 60 minutes.
As mentioned, missing foster youth is foster care’s open secret. For over two decades the number of cases one could deem as a missing youth case dangled around 10%. For someone within the system, 10% is less of an alarming number and more a show of improvement from staggering numbers in the 1990’s But as Author, Shenandoah Chefalo is quick to point out, if 10% of your town disappeared tomorrow, you’d spend the day trying to find their whereabouts You’d be panicked
To an outsider, 10%, or 4600 missing foster youth nationwide, is reason for 4600 Amber Alerts. That’s a justified reaction What those within the system know, that perhaps the layman doesn’t, is, the many routes a foster youth takes to become a missing case
There is a real chance that the tone of this article will veer to the side of either the kids who have been classified as missing, or to the people designated to care for them My unique background has weighed heavy as I write this piece
This is my eighth attempt at writing a balanced review of what happened in October of 2017
Full Disclosure:
I was a runner. I had errored paperwork. I had a caseworker that counted me among 25 other kids
I am also a “success” story I am also a colleague I am the observer of all things foster care. I am a confidant to those who work in this field I am to always be the voice of reason I am the one who needs to present all aspects of a story to my readers
So, I’m coming into this with eight kinds of baggage Probably the reason for the 8 drafts of this article
I attempted to write an emotionless, objective look at this story That isn’t who I am. That’s not what’s expected of me. I’m told readers want my perspective on these issues they ask me to write about myself, as opposed to one of the more talented Contributors that Foster Focus gives a platform
Would I be more comfortable with one of the NY Times Best-Selling Authors or one of the dozens of seasoned foster care advocates who contribute to Foster Focus to pen this important article? Of course, I would. If not for the overwhelming requests for me to tackle it, that is exactly what would have happened. The support the magazine gets needs to be reciprocated, this is how I can accomplish that
But my writing style is conversational
It’s not emotional or stiff The magazine, at least the content I provide, is meant to feel more like a salon in my living room And my job is to keep you interested while cramming as many facts and figures in front of your eyes as you’ll allow Now that you know all that, let’s get into the problem in Kansas and the moreover, foster care, nationally
Using Kansas as our touchstone, we will walk through this apparent epidemic.
We’ll start at the start A child is placed into foster care for various reasons, most of which have very little to do with them or their behavior The top two reasons a child enters care are abuse and neglect Once in the system, attempts are made to find a family member who can care for the child. When that step is unsuccessful, a foster home is sought In many cases, a foster home is not available, and a child may find themselves in a group home, juvenile holding facility, a motel or in some cases, an office.
Once housing is established a new set of circumstances arise. Compatibility tops the list of concerns in a traditional foster home For group homes and detention centers, survival depends on the facility Can the youth adapt to either the more subdued setting of a traditional foster home or the intensity and claustrophobia that detention centers or, to a lesser extent, group homes, becomes the question that determines their outcome.
Make no qualms about it, foster care sucks. It’s dismal, traumatic, life altering and one of the more intense experiences a person can have in their lives Even if Donna Reed were your Foster Mom or your group home was in the Chateau Marmont hotel in Los Angeles, foster care would still be traumatic. Remove everything that occurs when a child becomes a foster youth, it is still a child being taken from their family. There are few things more traumatic
This is where we introduce the idea of runaways
For this, I’ll go to experience. This is what it feels like when you live somewhere that isn’t your home; foreign and crushingly uncomfortable. I ran before, during and after foster care I am what you call a runner The first few times I
ran from foster homes it was for thrills and to see friends from home Later it would become a way to avoid dealing with a less than ideal life. Back then, removing myself from the situation seemed like the best course of action Foster youth of today are no different. Running away is still the move of choice for a great deal of foster youth, specifically teens in care. Children in foster care are twice as likely as other children to run away
Runaways account for 90% of the 70 cases with a foster youth deemed missing in Kansas according to a statement by the spokesperson for KVC Kansas
The contract for Kansas’ foster care system is held by two contractors (providers) KVC Kansas and Saint Francis Community Services They split foster care in Kansas 50-50. Every thirty days, these contractors report back the Kansas Department of Children and Families. Those reports are accessible at any time When a foster youth runs away, the contractors are required by law to report it to the local and state authorities
So common is the practice of running away that caseworkers nationally tell me they encourage foster youth to call in if they runaway. These calls are generally of the well-being variety and rarely include a location
Even though life at home may have been a mess, it’s their mess and that’s where they would prefer to be They also run to friend’s homes
There are some scary scenarios as well It is a well-known fact that foster youth are highly susceptible to human trafficking They are also at risk for committing desperation crimes and other poor choices. Some of these kids run from one problem, to a much bigger problem In 2013, 60 percent of the children who were victims of child sex trafficking rescued from a FBI nationwide raid conducted over 70 cities were
children from foster care or group homes These children were found in hotel rooms, truck stops, and even homes.
As an example of this epidemic, I cite the several raids throughout the country in the weeks leading up to the release of this article The sum total of recovered lost or missing youth reached over 80 children A more thorough tally of the victims was not readily available, though you can presume a number of those children found their origin within the foster care system This is the danger a portion of that 90% rate of runaway foster youth face when they leave the eyes of the system They don’t all run home. Some of those friends they escape foster care to join aren’t always the kind of kids you would invite to your Sunday dinner. Exposure to some of the seedier realities of life are alluring to someone who feels cast off from society. The want for a family, any family, runs strong in those who have gone through trauma
It is difficult to breakdown that other 10% of the reported missing youth As difficult as it may be, one can make assumptions based on decades of foster care data There is something that needs addressed before this area of information; the lack of current information
those
or its advocates find frustration with I am no different While I can tell you what product Target shoppers bought the most of this week, I cannot give you an accurate count of kids in foster care this year. As a community, our statistics are woefully behind One to two years to be exact Granted, foster care is a huge system, as many moving parts as any of industry, but the inability to collect and distribute up to the minute data certainly hinders any attempts to improve or streamline a system in such dire need of those improvements
Without that crucial data it’s near impossible to pinpoint how that other 10%
of the missing cases became classified as such Previous data will be utilized to make some educated guesses
Some of these missing foster youth cases involve the biological family retrieving their children This type of incident is easy to explain, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Not every foster care placement is met with compliance As traumatic as foster care is for the child, it may be equally traumatic for the parents from which they’ve been removed Not every parent is content to let the process play out and wait for reunification I can cite a story from the first year of the magazine that garnered national attention.
It happened at a group home in New York City, (but do not let the setting give you the impression that this doesn’t happen in every corner of the country, it’s not an issue exclusive to urban population) the parents of seven children in the care of the group home had decided they had enough of listening to the state’s orders During an onsite visit, in plain view of several staff members, they sent a child or two at a time to the vending machines where they slipped outside the facility to a waiting van. They continued that pattern until everyone made their way to the van They were apprehended several days later in another state, their forced reunification cut short
The last possibility, though a rarity, is erred or misplaced paperwork This is an area that has become a decreasing problem area with improvement of computer data system However, if foster care is behind the population in terms of data distribution, it’s nearly in the Stone Age when it comes to technical prowess Foster care is government run, the government still uses programs found on floppy discs In this area there is hope A new generation of foster care workers and advocates have risen with force in the fight to update this antiquated system of data collection, in-
cluding the way the dozens of agencies involved in the system on a state, national and local level communicate with one another. Hackathons designed to experiment and improve existing systems have taken place with increasing frequency over the last decade.
What is evident is that those on the frontlines of foster care are giving it their all, much to their own frustration Heavy caseloads, uncooperative clients, miscommunications, self-care issues and of course, runaways, weigh heavy on the average social worker/case manager. A large turnover rate of employment can also hinder progress being made to curb issues that effect foster youth. Consistency in any field is crucial for the evolution of that field Foster care stands little chance of addressing its issues when the faces making decisions keep changing
With all the facts in front of us, let’s explore what brought on all this scrutiny
It was to be a run of the mill meeting of a Kansas child welfare task force in early October Their task; explore areas of concern, tend to new business, a general look over of the state system It was the answer to a question about a specific case that drew the ire of the task force, the media and eventually, the general public The answer, or non-answer to that question led to further inquiry.
Foster care contractors were called upon to provide information during a meeting of an oversight panel at the Statehouse in response to questions about the disappearance. A routine question about a case of three missing youth from Tonganoxie, a small-town east of the state capital became anything but routine
The girls, sisters, aged between 12-15, had gone missing from their foster home months earlier When asked about the case, Secretary Gilmore acknowledged she was unaware of the case Outraged, Senators called for further
The oversight committee’s questioning garnered national attention. The idea that the head of the department charged with the care of foster youth was an aware of the missing children in their stead Most vocal and seemingly, most offended by Gilmore’s lack of awareness was Democratic Senator from Topeka, Laura Kelly, whose question to Gilmore spurred the flurry of outrage
“I am flabbergasted,” Kelly said “I used to work in this world years and years ago and I understand that where you have teenagers, you will have runners and they will go and they will do this kind of stuff. But the fact that the person in charge of the wards of the state has no idea that these kids are missing from her custody is just astounding to me”, said Sanchez of the situation
The contentious meeting lasted several hours with all the key players fielding questions. Their answers did little to satisfy the committee “If that from the department’s sense is an OK number the 1 percent stated, if that’s acceptable, if that’s within tolerance what are we doing about it?” said Rep Jarrod Ousley, a Merriam Democrat. “Where are these kids at? Who’s looking out for these kids?”
Gilmore’s response was stern; “You heard everyone expressing that it is extremely concerning and worrisome, especially when many of them are teenage girls in the light of the issues surrounding human trafficking,” Gilmore said. She cited the 90% runaway rate, noting “these children who run away are not under lock and key; they are generally in family foster homes, older youth, who attend school and activities, and they often miss their biological families," she said “So, it isn’t always a tragedy, but some certainly can be and that’s why we have to take it all very seriously ”
Calls for Gilmore’s resignation were immediate She resigned her post December 1st In her departing statement Gilmore wrote; ““Together with the Brownback Administration we have built a legacy that promotes independence, encourages personal responsibility and protects the children of Kansas that will endure for years to come ”
A new Secretary was appointed shortly thereafter by Kansas Lt Governor Jeff Colyer. Gina Meier-Hummel, who will be leaving her post as the director of the Children’s Shelter in Lawrence and has been involved in Kansas’ social service system for decades was named as Gilmore’s successor
She joined the Children’s Shelter in 2015 Prior to that, she served in positions within the Kansas Department for Aging and Disability Services and DCF She spent more than a decade working at KVC, one of the state’s foster care contractors DCF oversees the foster care system in Kansas
She announced an era of a “new transparent agency ”
If one can look beyond the headlines, it may appear that foster care has a runaway problem, an accountability problem or at the very least, systemic problems that may never be resolved
In the end, we are back where we began; foster care is a system in need of repair. Most of those 70 missing foster youth in Kansas and the 4600 nationally are still missing The system is still in dire need of upgrades in all facets and we are still left with a lack of answers
For Kansas, there is hope in a new leader, new innovations, stricter organization and motivation to make improvements. Nationally, there is a wave of optimism that technology will aid in leading the system to a path that ends in less foster youth being unaccounted for and a streamlined system for protecting our nation’s youth
His story is not one of being in foster care, it is a story of inspiration
Born in Glasgow, Scotland, Buultjens grew up in a home filled with violence and abuse. “My life is a study in survival. When I was three years old, I remember running to see my dad –excited to see him – and he just threw me into a fire,” Buultjens recalls. I still can remember feeling my flesh on my foot burning, remember the smell. When I was growing up, there was always a constant fear at my home ”
Even the holidays were a time of abuse and trauma for John Buultjens, offering little escape for him as a child. “When I was seven years old in 1979, I had an experience at Christmas time that changed my life. I saw my dad beating my mum and I ran in with a kitchen knife to defend her,” said Buultjens He goes on to say, “I was so angry. I was even ready to kill him. Instead, I ended up getting knocked out cold by my dad That was the end up of my time in that house.”
After years of suffering domestic abuse and violence in his own home, John ended up in the Scottish foster care system. John spent three years in the system, and was eventually adopted by Marianna Buultjens a Scottish native and her husband, Eldridge Buultjens, who had immigrated from Sri Lanka. At first, Buultjens was ashamed of his adoptive father, due to racial feelings from his upbringing he struggled with as a youth “This was a man who did so much for me, and showed me for the first time in my life what love meant,” John admits “I was ashamed because he looked different to me.”
Perhaps one of the most life altering experiences John had as a youth was watching a movie.
“I was 10 years old when I saw the movie that changed my life Steven Speilberg’s “E T , the Extraterrestrial ” When I saw those bikes fly, something in me was moved,” Buultjens said “The freedom that it could give you stuck with me for the rest of my life. Even at that age, a bike represented the freedom I craved You might not be able to fly with ET, but you could go anywhere, anytime you liked Now, even almost forty years later, I still feel that way. I still get that feeling of freedom when I ride ”
Shortly afterwards, Buultjens received his very own bike from Eldridge It was a BMX, or Bicycle Motor Cross bike “The bike became my life. I rode it nonstop,” Buultjens admits “Any chance I got as a teenager, I was riding this bike and dedicating myself to learning every single thing I could. It became almost an extension of myself It gave me friends, a community and a feeling of self-belief I had never had before, and I owe it to Eldridge, who I consider to be my real and true father.”
Buultjens was soon obsessed with pushing himself to the limits with his BMX bike The young teenage boy was creating his own bike stunts, which soon led him to competing in the local BMX circuit in his area
“I continued to push myself to a level in competition where I didn’t have to second guess myself when doing my
jumps and various stunts,” Buultjens said “I kept on riding, kept on doing stunts, kept on pushing myself I tried to channel this mindset into my normal life I knew there were dangers, but I knew that, if I was prepared, I could always thrive.”
While in his 20’s Buultjens moved to Australia to begin a new life there and focus on BMK competition “I got hurt a lot while riding, as I kept pushing myself,” Buultjens admits. “There was always a serious risk I had over serious
20 concussions and fractured my skull badly Yet, I didn’t let that stop me I kept riding To me, riding allowed me to be in the moment, to escape my brutal past The bike represented freedom, freedom from my past ”
Along with riding and competition, Buultjens also grew to love bike maintenance.
“I soon discovered that I loved to pull the bikes apart and put them back together,” he says
He even developed the talent of creating new bike designs As his reputation as a BMK rider and designer grew and increased, he was offered the job of as global brand manager for Haro Bikes in San Diego, California, half a world away from Australia and Scotland Bob Haro, founder of Haro Bikes, was the main stunt rider for Buultjens’ favorite movie, E T
“Me, this little boy, who grew up watching this amazing movie in a theatre in Glasgow, Scotland, dreaming of what a bike can do, it was amazing when Haro Bikes contacted me,” Buultjens said “My love of riding a BMX bike eventually took me from a council estate in Scotland to California I never expected it.”
In 2014, John’s life took another turn. Hollywood producer Ali Afshar called Haro Bikes HQ and asked for John, hoping to purchase one of his bikes Another year went by, and Afshar called John again, wishing to purchase another bike. Soon afterwards, Buultjens and Afshar were having lunch, talking about their appreciation of bikes The lunch conversation soon turned to John’s past and his life story growing up as a child. Afshar was impressed by John’s story, and 18 months later, his story was made into a film, “The Ride ”
“Seeing yourself portrayed by other people in a movie about your-
self is surreal,” Buultjens said.
When Chris Bridges, also known as the Ludacris, popular rap artist and musician, read the script, he became very interested in John’s story and wanted to be a part of the film. Bridges was cast in the role of Buultjens’ adoptive father Buultjens himself had a role in the movie about his life, playing the part of his abusive biological father To John, it was perhaps the most difficult time of his life, playing the vicious person who abused him as a child It was also a healing part of his life, at the same time, so he could find peace.
“When I played the part of my biological dad, I felt as if I became that person,” Buultjens recalls “I like to think I’m a positive person who sees the best in people, but playing that man and channeling that amount of rage and violence especially when you think it was channeled at me as a young child growing up in terror that wasn’t easy When we finished filming the scenes, I was absolutely exhausted not physically, but mentally I actually blacked out during that part of the filming ”
Now that “The Ride” is set to hit movie screens across the globe, Buultjens is excited and anxious to share his story, one that he hopes will inspire others
“What I hope people will get from our film is to leave the past in the past,” said Buultjens “Even yesterday was the past. Let it go, as all you are doing is destroying your future See that being here right now is the perfect place to be and you are perfect the way you are.”
Indeed, Buultjens hopes the message goes even deeper than that with The Ride He went on to say that “we have so much racial tension right now and it’s 2020. The Ride will show that we can all change and live the most amazing life we want to live And, to all those Foster and Adoption kids out there, you are the chosen ones!”
WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER are words we hear often from those with lived experience in care, many who are diligently working to reform our foster care system There are so many wonderful current and former foster youth doing amazing things for our community Then there are those who remain silent while quietly observing and gaining confidence in learning they are not alone by listening to those who are willing to speak of their experiences in care (and it’s okay to be silent), there are those who work behind the scenes (like me) doing what they can to help current and former foster youth and organizations that are doing the work to effect change and make a difference in the lives of those affected by their experiences (and that’s okay, too), and then there are those like the woman I am highlighting, who put themselves wholly out into the world to bring awareness to the public about the important issues our community faces. Before I speak of her, I would like to thank the editor of this magazine for giving me this opportunity to lift up this member of our community.
Nearly to the day Cheryl turned 17, her father dragged her out of the house to the trash, telling her she was trash and wasn’t allowed back inside. This was not the first abuse she suffered at his hands as a child The neighbors witnessed this horror and called the police, who took her to Child Protection Services, where she waited overnight to be placed. Her time in care included living in two states and seven placements, one being a juvenile detention center because they had no place for her Two of the foster homes did not work out because the foster mothers were using her for child labor and their sons sexually harassed her She aged out at age 18 Having been separated
from her sibling, who was also in care, Cheryl endured abuse from adults who should have protected her that no child should ever endure
Cheryl began her transition into adulthood by applying for FAFSA and, even with only her GED, received a full scholarship at University of Montevallo in Alabama and lived on campus in order not to become homeless From there she went to Kansas State University where she majored in Early Childhood Education and, despite facing health and other challenges, graduated with a Bachelor of Science degree in Family Studies and Human Services in 2011 at the age of 27 She continues studying at Harvard Division of Continuing Education
In addition to her academic credits, other credits and/or awards include: Mrs Lonestar State in 2022, Mrs Southwest USA Ambassador 2022 with the USA Ambassador Pageant (a public speaking pageant and for women to showcase the good they are doing in the world Cheryl’s platform was reforming foster care and fostering self-eSTEAM), Executive Producer/Talent, Certified Professional Life Coach and World’s Top Model South 2023 (New York Fashion Week at Model, Runway & Print) and from the White House, she received the Lifetime Presidential Service Award in 2022 & 2023 for her charity work
Cheryl’s advocacy work requires her to tell her uncomfortable story publicly and, as many of us may have experienced ourselves, braves being stigmatized by a society (or even family members) who truly do not understand what it is like to have experienced care and may not understand (or even believe) the circum-
stances that required being put into care in the first place If you have ever experienced such stigma, then you can relate. In my work with current and former foster youth and in my own experience, phrases like “you must have done something wrong to have been put into care,” “you’re not worthy,” “you’re not lovable” or “you’re not good enough” can often ring in our ears long after leaving care How many narratives have we been taught from childhood that are not true about who we are? How long does it take to overcome those narratives? For many, it can take a lifetime. Furthermore, how has that affected how we move in the world after care? It is difficult enough to move forward in the regular world while trying to figure out where and if there is even a place we can belong but, for those brave enough like Cheryl, to move authentically in the world of pageantry, it can be even more difficult Not only are you critiqued on every little flaw you may possess physically, you are critiqued on how you walk, how you talk, what your social media reveals about you, etc Why would anyone who experienced extreme trauma as a child expose themselves to such scrutiny?
Cheryl does it to help our community, to help the youth currently in care and to use her platform of foster care reform to speak to a wider audience that has the
power to help effect change It takes a special commitment, passion and personality to be able to do that – one which Cheryl possesses
Seeing the need for educational and other support for youth in and/or transitioning out of foster care because she experienced it first-hand herself instilled in her a fierce compassion for helping these youth and, in 2019, she founded the nonprofit FUNdamentals for Foster Care (www fundfc org) FUNdamentals for Foster Care strives to improve and better stabilize the educational experience of foster youth by providing them with Science, Technology, Engineering, Art and Mathematics (STEAM) toys These STEAM toys serve to keep foster youth actively engaged in their education, especially during times of transition These STEAM toys help those with delays in the foster
care system to catch up so they can be whatever they choose to be in life In addition to STEAM toys, FUNdamentals for Foster Care also started a mentoring career program for youth aging out of the system
What does it mean to lift each other up?
To me, it means taking pride in the potential of others, appreciating the work they do and the effort they put into it and realize that, even though we may have different perspectives in life, perhaps tapping into different perspectives can broaden the way we perceive the world It means that, for anyone who has ever had to deal with the aftereffect of care like feeling imperfect or inadequate, it is those times we need our community to lift us up. It means WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER in changing the narratives we have been taught and eliminating the negative stigma attached to our community For the work Cheryl and others are doing in this space, know I appreciate you and am LIFTING YOU UP
“Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we’re all in this together ” – Dr Brene Brown, Author, Professor and Vulnerability Researcher
In a sea of filtered selfies and humble brag posts, MelissaRoshan Potter ’s social media presence is a refreshing refuge. “You are not your experiences,” she often expresses in uplifting status updates and stories. “You can write a new narrative for your life daily by the choices you make ” She repeated this hard earned mantra in an intimate interview, answering a range of questions about her journey from foster care to foster youth advocate and founder of MelRo’s Foundation.
“As a foster youth advocate, I have participated in several campaigns to increase the age-out age from 18 to 21 in the state of Ohio,” Potter, 37, writes, listing her credentials. “I am a public ambassador for Children's Rights, a foster parent trainer, and a trainer for trainers of foster-parenting classes.” She adds, “I teach ACES workshops/Trauma Informed Parenting. I've keynoted countless foster care conferences I’ve started a YouTube channel for foster children and parents.
Recently, I became an ‘Angels in Adoption’ recipient, awarded by Senator Sherrod Brown for my advocacy work.” At 10 years old, when Potter first entered foster care, she could not have imagined this would be her story let alone her truth
Born in foster care to her then 13½year-old mother, she was raised by her grandmother until a close family friend called the police after witnessing her being beaten with barbecue tongs When police removed her from the home, Potter says she felt like she had done something wrong
“I sat in the back of the police car, and cried my eyes out,” she writes via email. “I was absolutely devastated. Beyond afraid of what was to come. … But what's crazy is, I would've rather (in that moment that I sat in the back of the police car) been back with my grandmother because of the sheer terror I felt about the prospect of going to foster care.”
What followed was a rollercoaster of trauma and abuse. From 10 to 15, Potter
was placed in 23 foster homes
“That’s like getting used to 23 different ways of living,” she explains in her powerful 2015 TEDxColumbus Talk. “23 different sorta kinda moms and dads 23 hopes that they would adopt me. 23 disappointments. 23 different disruptions.”
Her time in foster care ended when she transitioned to a home for teen mothers after a judge gave her 24 hours to find housing away from her son’s abusive father or risk losing him to foster care. “The Aridell Mitchell Home in Seattle, Washington saved my life really,” Potter reflects. “They provided a safe place for my son Trey, and me They also taught me life skills like: money management, parenting skills, provided empowerment workshops, cooking classes, and on the job etiquette.”
After a girlhood marked by abuse and interruption, the years that followed were studded with triumph. A modeling scout discovered Potter She earned her GED. She eventually married, and had a daughter. But the trauma of her expe-
riences, though invisible in her new life, remained
In 2011, Potter found herself in the psych ward of X hospital, strapped to her bed, after contemplating jumping into the Hoover Reservoir She credits rising from that bed and breaking the cycle of institutionalization in her life with a choice to seek help.
“The wounds may not be our fault, but we must make the choice to take on the responsibility of our own healing.”
For Potter, healing has meant finding her birth parents and forgiving them, developing her faith, seeking counseling, and the personal commitment to remain healthy And it has sharpened her purpose: helping the next generation of vulnerable youth elude the statistics accorded to foster youth
As far as Potter is concerned, 21 percent of youth in foster care don’t have to become teen parents. 33 percent don’t have to attempt suicide 75 percent don’t have to end up on death row. Over half of foster youth don’t have to live their adulthood in poverty Way more than 3 percent can go to college and beyond In 2017, she launched MelRo’s Foundation to help make sure of it.
With the mission to educate, empower, and heal one child at a time, the Foundation’s first project is MelRo’s International School Located in Agona Nkum in the Central Region of Ghana, the facility, which is scheduled to open September 7, 2018, will provide educa-
tion for up to 500 girls, an orphanage for 150 girls ages 2 to 16, and Trauma Informed Care administered by an allfemale staff.
work to heal.” And the healing process is ongoing as Potter openly shares in confessional Facebook and Instagram posts.
“I speak openly and candidly about my struggles because it is a huge part of my purpose I believe that the greatest teachers have learned from their own experiences, and should not keep those experiences to themselves ” This said, she is careful to protect herself from trolls and the pain of reliving the past
“I like to focus on 80 percent of my victories, and 20 percent of my traumas, however. One, it keeps me emotionally safe, and two, people need to know there is hope that is available to us all We just have to do the very real work to get there ”
As Potter prepares to fly to Ghana for the opening ceremony of her school, she reflects on her journey with gratitude
“With the wonderful co-parenting from my ex-husband, and a strong village surrounding us, my children have a great life The oldest, Trey, who I gave birth to when I was a teenager, has made the Dean’s List three times in college, and is on his way to having a beautiful life. My daughter, Corrine is vibrant, thoughtful, and amazing ”
For Potter, being “on the other side of foster care” feels “surreal at times ”
“The effects of trauma on the brain are very real, and damaging,” Potter knows from experience, which is why she aims to do all she can to decrease it in her life and other youth “I've had to do GREAT
“The system that once broke me,” she says, “has not only led to my breakthrough, but it has also led to others’ breakthroughs ”
