get him on the line
FREE TRIAL
904.861.3117 Find your local number: 1.800.777.8000 18+ www.interactivemale.com Ahora en Español
FreeWill Astrology ARIES (March 21-April 19): It’s an excellent time to study the book “Assholeology: The Science Behind Getting Your Way — and Getting Away with It.” In fact, the cosmos would not only look the other way if you acted on the principles it describes; the cosmos actively encourages you to be a successful jerk. APRIL FOOL! You’re in a phase when it makes sense to be a bit extra selfish, eager to bend the world to meet your needs. But according to my analysis, it’s crucial to do so politely and graciously. TAURUS (April 20-May 20): It’s a great time to get breast implants, penis enlargement, nose enhancement (if your nose is too tiny) or tongue-elongation surgery. Anything you can do to stick out further and make a bigger impression is in harmonious alignment with astrological omens. APRIL FOOL! Everything I’ve written here is a dirty lie. The facts: It’s high time to work creatively and appreciatively with what nature gave you. Don’t force it to accommodate some soulless desire. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Between now and April 16, try to party every night. Experiment with at least 100 altered states of consciousness, talk to at least 500 fascinating people, explode with at least 800 fits of laughter and change your mind at least 1,000 times. You need massive stimulation, record-breaking levels of variety and mood swings. Be everywhere! Do everything! APRIL FOOL! It’s true this may be one of those times visionary poet William Blake was referring to when he wrote, “The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom,” but take care you don’t end up face-down in the gutter, pants-less, halfway along the road of excess. Remember the goal: Reach the palace of wisdom. CANCER (June 21-July 22): You have cosmic permission to brag like a coked-up pimp. You have poetic license to swagger and show off like a rock star who’s sold his soul for $30 million. You have my blessing to act as if everyone in the world should be more like you. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating a tad. It’s true you have every right to seize more authority, feel more confident and spread influence farther and wider. The best way to do so? Explore mysteries of humble courage, ply the art of magical truth-telling and supercharge your willpower with a big dose of smart love. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): What’s your most far-fetched desire? I dare you to pursue it. What’s the craving to take you to the frontier of self-understanding? Indulge it. Which of your primal wishes intimidates you as much as it enthralls? Embrace it. APRIL FOOL! I don’t really think you should carry out your most extreme fantasies. Maybe in a few weeks, but not now. I hope you spend some time this week getting to know them better. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If you develop symptoms like dry mouth, twitching eyebrows, sweaty palms or goose bumps in places you don’t usually get them, you may be suffering from anatidaephobia, the fear that you’re being watched by a duck. Avoid places where ducks congregate. APRIL FOOL! I lied. Truth is, you won’t contract an exotic ailment like anatidaephobia any time soon. You may experience waves of seemingly irrational elation or frequently feel like something oddly good is about to happen. According to my analysis of the omens, you’re more likely than usual to be watched by secret admirers, future helpers, interesting strangers and your guardian angel. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): If you’re a straight man, this is a good time to ask Halle Berry on a date. If you’re a straight woman, you’ll have a better-than-usual chance to get Jake Gyllenhaal to go out with you. If you’re a gay
48 | FOLIO WEEKLY | MARCH 29-APRIL 4, 2011
man, you may want to try your luck with Adam Lambert, and if you’re a lesbian, propose a rendezvous with Portia de Rossi. APRIL FOOL! I lied. It’s never a good time to try to hook up with unavailable dream girls or dream guys. You now have extraordinary power to turn into a better partner, ally and lover. It’s well within your means to cultivate a more exciting kind of intimacy. SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): “Dear Rob: I just walked in on my boyfriend of more than a year, in bed with another woman. My mind is beyond blown; it’s a splay of sparks in a drenched sky, a fireworks display in a downpour. Any advice on moving forward? — Shocked Scorpio.” Dear Shocked: I’ll tell you what I’d like to tell all Scorpios: Start plotting wicked revenge. APRIL FOOL! The truth is, revenge is a dumb waste of your precious time. Any surprises that come your way in the days ahead are disguised gifts from life to get you back on course. Use their motivational energy wisely and gratefully. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): It’s an ideal time to explore the intimate wonders of ecosexuality. Nature’s libidinous pleasures are calling. How about trying some erotic experiments with trees and waterfalls? Or skinnydipping in wetlands and doing skyclad seduction dances for the clouds? Or making out with oyster mushrooms right where they grow out of a fallen log? APRIL FOOL! It’s true this is a good time to expand your sexual repertoire and seek out new sensations of intimate bliss, but it’s possible to accomplish that by confining your erotic communion to human beings. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The astrological omens are practically screaming for you to buy a luxurious new home in your ideal neighborhood. Preferably, it should have every feature you’ve ever dreamed about, whether that’s a cinema-scale theater room or a spa with a sauna and hot tub. If you have to go deep into debt to make this happen, that’s OK. APRIL FOOL! I lied, sort of. It’s an excellent time to upgrade your domestic scene, either by making comfortable and attractive changes in your current home’s decor or enhancing relationships with your family and roommates. But there’s no need to make crazy expenditures that’ll cripple you financially. In fact, cheap is better. That’s what the astrological omens are really suggesting. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): It’s absolutely critical to be consistent and uniform right now. You must be pure, homogeneous and regular. Don’t dabble with anything even vaguely miscellaneous. APRIL FOOL! Everything I just wrote is a lie. In astrological fact, the best way to thrive is by being a cross between a mishmash and a medley … part hodgepodge and part amalgamation. Your strongest impact will come from blending the most diverse influences. The best elixir will result from mixing several different potions. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I hope you take full advantage of this unusual moment in your astrological cycle. According to my interpretation of cosmic signs, it’s prime time to unleash an ocean of tears. And not just the kind of moisture that wells up out of sadness. I hope you’ll give even more time to crying because of unreasonable joy, sobbing due to cathartic epiphanies, weeping out of compassion for the suffering of others and blubbering from visions of the interconnectedness of all life. Let it flow! APRIL FOOL! I slightly overstated the possibilities. Yes, it’s a wonderful time to feel profound states of emotion and surrender to the tears they induce. But you need to get a few things done, too, so don’t risk drowning. Rob Brezsny freewillastrology@freewillastrology.com