Youth Writers

VISION STATEMENT

Incarcerated youth writing to clear their conscience and express their feelings that are hard to speak. They will explain what they have been through, where they came from, and how they would like to change their mindset. They want to share their voices with an audience of their kind, and to let people know that change is okay and they are not alone.

Table of Contents

Can I Change

Page 1

Power Drive

Pages 2-6

The Cave of Addiction

Pages 7-11

Congratulations

Pages 12-14

Generational Curse

Page 15

Your Honor

Pages 16

Struggles to Success

Pages 17-18

Dear Readers,

This issue of Changed Minds to Changed Minds, called “Incarceration to Determination,” is about us using our bid time to grow and achieve something that we once thought we couldn’t. Many of us have changed from the simple gangbanging mindset to being determined to see and learn more and being determined to win, grow, and take care of our people and our responsibilities. The contributors to this issue had a hard time opening up and sharing their stories, but with the help from Ms. Norton and Focus Forward we eventually opened up and shared these terrific stories that I am about to present to you.

In the writing “Can I Change?” the writer talks about his everyday struggles and losses growing up in his environment. He explains how he is confused on what change looks like for him or if he is ever going to change.

In the personal narrative “Power Drive” the writer talks about his struggles, neglect, and reasons why he chose to join a gang and go the wrong route. He explains the difficulty of doing good while living in poverty. Going through the same cycle for a large amount of his life he witnessed and lost a lot and eventually realizes there is more to accomplish in this world then the street life.

In the essay “The Cave of Addiction” the writer talks about the addiction he develops after his experience with some traumatic events he has been through at a young age. After getting incarcerated for a gang related crime, he soon realized his addiction not only hurt himself but his family as well. He became determined to change his ways and fight his bad addiction.

In the personal narrative “Congratulations” the writer talks about how he was born into poverty, the street culture, and addiction and really didn’t have other choices. He can have his freedom taken away and he can have his money taken away, but he explains that he would not let them take away his education which he says is “the key”.

In the short poem “Generational Curse” the writer speaks upon his dreams and ambitions. He explains how he had dreams at a young age but does not achieve those dreams because of the environment he grew up in and the bad route he decided to go down. He eventually develops more dreams after he has his son and becomes motivated and dedicated to achieve those dreams and become a better person.

In this “Letter” one of our writers explains how much he has changed and how he is working to not let his past mistakes define who he is.

In the writing “Struggles to Success” the writer talks about the past trauma that he’s been through and how it caused him to make some mistakes. Then he ends up getting incarcerated and soon realizes he wants better for himself and breaks his bad cycle.

I hope you all become inspired from our stories. There is a lot we have to share, and we thank you for hearing our voices.

Sincerely,

Chained Minds to Changed Minds Assistant Editor-in-Chief

Can I Change?

To be real, I never really had a role model growing up. Don’t get me wrong, I had people that were there for me, but I always felt alone. Growing up in the hood they say gives you two options and that’s dead or in jail. Right now I am facing the latter. I didn’t have the best life but my moms made it as good as can be. After they died, I started going downhill and gang banging, which I still do, smoking, and getting myself in things I was not supposed to. Every day is a struggle where I come from. Some days I didn’t even know if I was going to have something to eat or if I was going to have something to wear to school that was not dirty. I always had to fend for myself. I personally feel like I did not have anyone at that point in time. Some days I would wake up and wonder what is even my purpose here? Why am I even alive?

I was what people would call a “bay-bay kid” which basically means I am a problem child and when you start to get older then you’re called a product of the hood and that’s what I am. I’ve been in the hood so for so long that’s all I know. I don’t know how to be anything but what people make me out to be. I try so hard to change. I even got myself out of the hood, but that did not change anything. There is a saying that you can take the person out the hood, but you can’t take the hood out the person. I’ve come to believe that to be true, because I am the same person I was 3 years ago. As of right now I am still the same person doing the that dumb stuff and not learning from my mistakes. Nothing changed, and if I am being real don’t think it ever is. I hope one day I figure out that I am much more than what people make me out to be.

Power Drive

I honestly don't know where to begin. I've been through a lot at such an early age. I grew up in an unstable home taking care of myself because my mom and dad were going through difficulties that I honestly don't want to talk about because it's no one's business. I don't know who's going to be reading this but you asked me for a story that changed my worldwide view and impacted my belief on the world society and the experience that came with it.

Living in Fresno, California, where I was born, is ganginfested in some parts of the area. It's very ghetto, and people know it. I've lived house to house half my life. I've lived on some of my family members' couches, lived in motels, and slept on the floor with very big rooftop rats. I didn't know that was even a thing. A rodent called a rooftop rat weighs 5 to 10oz and is 10 to 12 inches long. Imagine that monster!

My worldview was made when I was going through life problems at a tender age. A broken child is what you can call people that went through trials of the unfortunate hand they are dealt, the environment they have a hard time freeing themselves from, making oaths to others that you grew up with that have the same pains as you, dealing with it inside the same as you. Sadly, it gets passed down through generations because of the neglect the parents give, not because they intend to neglect their children, but because they were treated the same way or don't know how to love or care for their children. People become a product of their environment. I know this because I am the person that did.

My view of the world is based on what I have been through. You can't control the world, the people in it, or their view of it. Everybody has a different opinion, a different upbringing, and a story that changed their view of the world, their beliefs, morals, and standards that made it their dedication to overcome their obstacles.

Once I was an innocent child, but like the streets do to anybody else, they gobbled me up and spit me back out. My mom & dad have been together since my mom was 13 and my dad was 16. They then had my eldest sister around that age followed by another sister, my older brother, another sister, me and my baby brother along the way.

My mom and dad moved to Fresno when my dad was 18. He then became a gang member shortly after. I used to hear stories about my dad, and how people feared him because of his reputation. I wanted that same reputation down the road, and my older brother didn’t make it any better. I once didn’t care about the life of a gangster but that soon changed. At age 11, I started smoking and selling Marijuana. I got tired of kids bullying me because I didn’t have the newest pair of Jordans or was wearing the same pair of sweats for a whole week to school and was also made fun of because of my weight. All this clowning me they didn’t know they were feeding a monster inside. I held every insult and proved I could be big and bad and get my own money. I didn’t need Mom & dad; they were too busy getting high, trying to keep up with bills, and at the same time trying to keep a roof over our heads. We ended up living with different family members, me and two of my siblings played the couch for some time. After a while my older sister ran away and left me, which I felt like she left us for dead. She ran off with some guy that got her hooked on drugs.

A while later, I started running away now and then, but I would come back because I didn’t feel right leaving my younger brother, with my Mom & Dad's nonsense.

Every time I went away, I was in the streets trying to bubble any way I could. What I mean by bubble is to come up by any means to have money in your pockets. At 12 turning 13, I joined the gang my brother is from. That brother has been locked up since I was 7 or 8 years old. The day he heard my name on a level four yard in prison, he soon got a hold of me and was devastated at first. Then said he understood. He told me, “I wanted your head in the books, not the streets but I can't do anything but show you how to do it right, so are you ready to come home?” He refers to the saying “Come home”, which means to join a specific hood or gang. Right then and there I said I’m all in. I felt my heart was in it, so there I went climbing up the ladder.

Before I started gang banging I was into sports. I had a certain drive to become good at it, the determination and interest drove me every time. The school stuff was never my strong suit. I had a hard time with it. I thought I was mentally challenged at one point, and it didn’t help my pride growing up, so I had a lot of anger in me. I ended up trying out for wrestling and loved it because it helped get my frustrations out. My wrestling coach used to work me to my limits because I was the best student he trained. Everything he showed me, I picked up on fast and even made my own moves.

I enjoyed wrestling and other sports, but what messed me up was when I tried out for flag football. When I went to tryouts I busted my behind like I always did, constantly hustling up and down the field pushing myself every step of the way for two to three weeks because I wanted a spot on the team. When the paper was posted to see who made the team, I wasn’t on it. I felt I earned it because of how hard I pushed myself every day for tryouts, and it then made me mad and hurt because I did more than the others in tryouts. So I went to ask the coach about it.

He told me I didn’t make it because of my grades so I blamed myself hard, to the point I cried when I was alone. That sorrow soon turned to anger. After that, I slowed down on sports; wrestling season was over and summertime came. During summer vacation I got into soccer. I started when they were in mid-season so they didn’t have a spot for me, but I came every day for practice. They liked my persistence and coordination so much that they were willing to give me a spot, and I was really happy and excited until they gave me a slip for me and my mom to sign. As soon as I read it, my spirits wavered because it said I had to pay a sum of money which I knew my parents wouldn’t have. I then gave them the slip back and told them that I wasn’t able to get them the sum of money and walked away as my eyes started tearing up. That same day after practice the coach and his wife followed me home and told my parents they wanted me on the team and that I told them the sum of money would be an issue. My mom told them it was an issue and the coach told me he would, just for me, let me play for free, and that made me happy inside. Once the season was over, it was mid-summer. A lot was going on at home, and I started getting in the streets more. I started smoking and fighting other kids. School was back in and there was no motivation for me to keep doing sports. Both my coaches caught me walking with a group of knuckleheads and tried to get me to come back and play, but I had so much going on, wrestling and other sports were the last thing on my mind.

Fast forwarding, I started doing illegal gang activities, doing the whole nine yards trying to take care of myself and prove I was big and bad to those around me. My mom and dad tried to move me to Arizona, but after a year I ran away and found myself back in Fresno, California. living with a girlfriend at age 14. I started making my way by robbing and selling drug, doing what I thought was okay because I was trying to survive and that I did. When I turned 15, I got arrested for a fight that had gone bad. While sitting down at the Juvenile Justice Campus, my trust ultimately messed up. People who said they loved me and said they had my back disappeared or died. Some even did me dirty, but it all opened my eyes at the same time. I finally was given a chance to sit back and look back on everything I had been through.

Although I may be imprisoned, I gained knowledge and started bettering myself, accomplishing things I never thought I would. I went from not going to school at all, to getting 4.0s and graduating high school before schedule, then enrolling in college and learning how to weld. Even though my situation was a tough one, I managed to build and not let the past hold me back. I found hurting myself is not the answer and sometimes life is a risk. You get the choice to choose to take for the bad or good. I had the drive for sports, I had the drive for the streets, and now I use that drive to accomplish things I never thought I would. I know with my drive anything is possible.

The Cave of Addiction

In Plato's “Allegory of the Cave,” one man learned that there is more out in the world than confinement. One of the prisoners realized that there was more than the shadows in the cave on the outside, like his own reflection in the water. This brings me to the trials and tribulations of my drug addictions, which I became that man in the cave seeing shadows between the blazing fire. Drug addictions have had a severe impact on my life, and being incarcerated truly became a changing point that saved my life. In this generation, you can see the devastating nature of drug use and addiction which has altered my life and others. My story is one of struggle and redemption. Through my experiences, I hope I can show what the power of addiction can do and how incarceration has led me toward my journey of recovery.

“The Allegory of the Cave” is based on three men in a cave who were chained up and believed that the shadows on the wall were the only things real to them. They were chained up facing the wall unable to see what was behind them while a fire behind them gave off a faint light. At one point one of the men broke free from the chains and went out to explore the outside world. He saw things that shocked him, for example, his reflections. His eyes would burn at first because he had to adjust to the outside world and the sun. He was amazed at seeing the shadows of the trees and tried to see if they were real, but another man explained that it was just an illusion of the object and was not real. He later came back to the cave to reveal to the other two men about the things he had witnessed. However, they did not believe him and told him he was a liar. It was hard for him because when he came back to the cave he couldn’t focus on the shadows on the cave. After all, his eyes weren’t accustomed to it anymore. They also thought the journey had made him illiterate and blind. They violently resisted the man who tried to free them.

My experience with drugs began when I was just 13 years old. I started engaging in drugs at an early age because I experienced a lot of pain growing up. For example, at the age of 8, my dad and brother got arrested for double murder. I witnessed my brother getting shot that nearly killed him. The next day after that event occurred, my sister got into a horrible car accident where she flew out of the car causing her to fight for her life. My mom wasn’t around much because she had to take care of my sister who was in the hospital. Due to the circumstances, I had to jump from house to house or be in the streets. This was the beginning of the many traumatic experiences in my life that opened the door to looking for an escape from my reality. At the age of 13, I started smoking marijuana which then led to the usage of alcohol, Xanax, and ecstasy. I started noticing that these drugs took hold of me because I began to snort these drugs. I told myself “It will only be a one-time scenario” but that one-time situation turned out to be an everyday thing. For a while, I assumed it was normal because my uncles would do drugs as well. However, my friends noticed it wasn’t normal because I was losing weight and not eating. It wasn’t until my friends took me to Minnesota to sober me up and honestly it was hard. I had many withdraws and many times I would relapse. Later down the road I was incarcerated for a crime I committed due to being a gang member. It wasn’t until my incarceration that I sobered up and started taking full control of my actions. I then began to see things in a better way because I recognized that I was hurting my family while being addicted to drugs. Due to the hurt that I was inflicting, I wanted a better life for myself. Being incarcerated gave me the ability to do things right because I had a nephew to go home to and a family to change for. This goes to show that I can become a better man and recover from substance abuse.

Like the prisoners in Plato’s “Allegory of the Cave” who were restricted and believed the shadows on the wall were reality, I also found myself trapped in a warped perception that was fueled by drugs and addiction. I had the same experience as the man who broke free and saw the truth of the outside world. My experience of being incarcerated was a wake-up call that broke my illusions. As the freed prisoner tried to enlighten the rest of the men chained up about the realities outside of the Cave, I found the need to share my journey of recovery and healing with others. Despite facing doubtfulness and resistance from people who preferred for me to remain in the same limited existence, I found the opportunity to break myself out of these chains of drug use and addiction. I have led myself to a life of sobriety and meaning. In an article I found in The Rolling Stone called “Slow Motion Torture” by Jeff Tietz, it states “I get scared out here in the world. I get real scared. Everything is so fast- everything is congested, with no space for me.“ In crowded rooms, he needs the refuge of a corner, and even then anxiety often overcomes him and he has to bolt. This is a perfect example of some of the challenges that I may face once released. The attraction of this darkness represented by the shadows on the wall drew me inwards into a cycle of misbehavior. The pursuit of these shadows led me deeper into the cave driving me away from the light of positivity and growth. The challenges that I have experienced have not always been the greatest. Being locked up in a four-wall cell every day can cause extreme anxiety. However, through this experience of being incarcerated, I began to see a bright light and a way out of the darkness that once consumed me.

“The Allegory of the Cave” has many parallels to a person being confined to their addiction and seeing false realities mixed in with their perception of reality. One of the parallels that stood out to me was “How could they see anything but the shadows if they were never allowed to move their heads.” This made me understand that there was a point in time in my drug addiction where I couldn’t move my head. By that, I mean I couldn’t see anything but my being addicted and not wanting to change my life or sober up. My family was affected by this because it made them feel disappointed that I was using drugs and didn’t want to change my life around. Another parallel of addiction in the cave is Socrates, who states, “ … how far our nature is enlightened or unenlightened…”. This section speaks about the effects of being unenlightened within your environment that prevents you from seeing the way out. All you see is before you and behind you, a type of fire blazing at a distance. For me this is a reminiscence of when I would confine myself to a room where I was chained to my addiction where I felt like the doors and windows were fire blazing in front and behind me. Within my cave, I wasn’t able to see freedom that was just beyond the doors and windows in my room .

I got incarcerated which I believe was my beneficial outcome due to me sobering up and creating a mindset that evolved in many ways that I never thought possible. In another article, it states “Teens are at a higher risk of developing the disease of addiction. Scientists believe that addiction is closely linked to dopamine, a chemical that helps transmit signals in the brain. A person taking drugs causes a surge of dopamine in the brain”. I can identify with this statement, found in an article called “Drugs and the Teen Brain,” in Scholastic Scope, because I went through the same things which I believe changed my chemical balance.

To change my side effects from using drugs I began reading books to increase my vocabulary and was able to talk adequately instead of using my slang terms. I managed to engage in sports and was able to socialize with other youth and former youth instead of being influenced by gang politics. This showed me that there are better things in life than committing crimes, using drugs, and being around gang members. This showed me that I have been given another opportunity in life and another chance to succeed and become something greater. In conclusion, we can all learn that although we are addicted to something or as in Plato's allegory imprisoned and confined, there are other alternatives to escape these situations. For instance, learning there is more out in the world than what’s right in front of you. Although there was a point in my life when I felt like my situation was never-ending, I was able to break free from my addiction once I became incarcerated. It was hard to break free because I put myself in another cave for a couple of years due to my mistakes. People should care about this issue because the world is changing every day and one never knows when they may be put in this type of predicament. Therefore, wanting to escape that “cave” so to speak would be beneficial as a human being. Although life will always pose inconsistencies, what remains is the reality of my will. This is my story. Thank you for allowing me to share it.

Congratulations

I was fed the street culture before I learned to chew it. Being in the streets was the first identity offered to me, and I jumped off the porch the first chance I had after I realized that my family and everyone around me was doing it, so why would I go against the grain?

Walk like a gangster

Talk like a gangster

Think like a gangster

Pass as a gangster

I was a sixteen year old gun toting, drug dealing/addicted felon with a strike, inhabiting a character that I honed from family, friends, culture, media and environment. A term I've heard myself describe with growing up a lot was “the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.” My parents met each other in C.Y.A. (California Youth Authority) which was a juvenile prison for violent offenders in the 90s often referred to as “gladiator school”. Less than a year after their release they had me, so I guess their parenting skills and nurturing skills were heavily influenced from their constant incarceration while they were growing up. My parents were still young and naive, both heavily involved in the streets. I had baby pictures of me dressed up in gang attire, pictures with dozens of gang members who I thought were all my “uncles” and “tias” growing up. Those were my first role models. They were the ones who formed my basis of identity. The dominant narrative impacted the way I thought of myself before I even knew what a narrative was. The dominant narrative helped develop my “role models” erratic behavior, mental health, drug addictions and generational poverty. With all of us segregated and these being my role models, what do you think I learned? I thought this was what I was supposed to be. I didn't even know there were options.

The media and music I consumed also played a huge role in the mask I put on. One of my favorite movies growing up was a Chicano favorite, American Me (1992), a movie that took place in the 1960s of Los Angeles. A couple of teenagers who were tired of being racially picked on formed a gang.

“When we were kids, belonging felt good. But having respect, that feels even better.”

This line always stood out to me, even as a kid. Belonging wasn't enough, I was striving for respect from America, and one way or another I was going to get It. When I was a kid it was comforting knowing other people went through what I was going through, and not only that but he was expressing the emotions of it, something that I couldn't do.

I've watched the movie dozens of times, and every time I come to a new realization. It just gets more sad. Not long after they ended up in a rabbit hole of America's correctional system for eighteen years. Over the years the gang he created became the biggest gang in California. When he was released, he saw what he created and saw that it wasn't what he created the gang for. It became a monster.

When I look at the movie from a dominant narrative perspective it shows how the dominant narrative leads these kids to form a gang to protect themselves not knowing it leads to decades of violence and self-destruction of our communities, while America paints them as the bad guys. It shows how the dominant narrative gives us our identities and then punishes us for those exact identities.

The music I listened to probably had a bigger influence on me. The lyrics of Tupac, SPM, and Brownside are lyrics that I could recite at any time. Growing up, music was an escape from everything. I could leave it all behind by plugging in my earbuds and hearing rappers, like SPM, talk about the same struggles I faced everyday:

“I was raised on beans and rice And if you shot up my crib I wouldn't be surprised Mama used to trip 'cause I fed the mice I'm the one they sent home 'cause my head had lice I'm the kid that lost my sanity

I'm the kid that had the toys with no batteries Mama sat me down for some serious talks

On how to keep the rats out the cereal box”

Hearing that everyone else was going through made me think that this was acceptable, which is what the dominant narrative wants, for us to give into submission and accept it. What they didn't know was that I wasn't going to accept it. The key: education. They can take away my freedom and money but they can never take away my education and the knowledge I have. I think that's what they want from us. Now those same people who took my freedom, or looked down on me in the past, congratulate me on graduating from high school and going on to college. They applaud me for my story, like it was a huge prank, and everyone was waiting on the other side for me to finish it.

GENERATIONAL CURSE

I dream that one day I won’t have to see my family struggle no more and I will be the reason like Roddy Rich I’ll be balling out every season there is no better feeling than making sure my family is eating, making sure there happy and not being mistreated I have dreams to take my kids to the park and not always be on some street stuff.

A real Gangsta with some peace, cause it ain’t always about that G stuff. I’m motivated and dadicated and I say “dadicated” because I am proud father with dedication I want the best for my son, but most of all I hope he can break our family’s generational curse I grew up around gang members and felons and they made it look cool so I did the same thing too.

It was so fast it just happened, it’s family over everything so I ain’t get a choice to choose, I just fell in the loop and started making gangsta moves. I had dreams to be a famous boxer or a chef and make the news but those dreams never came true. I want different for my son, I will support him all the way through and I’ll make sure he chases his dreams and doesn’t end up like me, no matter what I have to do!

Your Honor,

I just wanted to start off by saying I know I made a mistake, but let’s not let that define to the court who I am. I’ve been in here for many months, and in those months I’ve got my high school diploma, enrolled in college, and finished my first semester with a high B average. My current goal is to make the Dean’s List.

I have become a leader in my pod by doing the right things when no one is watching and when I’m by myself. I represent my unit on Youth Council and attend monthly meetings to advocate for the needs of my peers and myself. I also volunteer in my unit to clean the showers and dayroom every night.

I am a father of two beautiful daughters who need me to be in their lives, and I have younger siblings who look up to me and need me to step up to the plate. I am working to be a better role model and someone worthy of them looking up to. I want to be there for my mom to help her raise my siblings so that they don’t make the same mistakes I did. I hope you take in consideration the changes I have made when you make your decision.

Thank you, Your Honor.

StrugglestoSuccess

If I tell you my life story, you will not look at me the same, and you probably won’t believe it. But if I don’t show you that no matter where you’re from, who you are, what you did, or what you been through, you can still end your generational curse, then nobody else will. I done had my head split open, almost lost my life to gun violence on multiple occasions, and I committed so many crimes I should be buried underneath the prison, BUT I’M NOT! Violence was normal in my life growing up. Growing up me and mines handled everything through violence; we didn’t argue and we didn’t go back and forth. If you had a problem with one of us, all of us had answers.

I am currently doing a seven-year bid because of my actions (which should be 25 to life, but by the grace of God I have an out date. During my time being here, I have been through so many trials and tribulations. I was fighting every other week, cussing out the officers that were working in my pod, and refusing to take it up.

At times I felt like saying “forget this” and ending all the hurt, pain, and suffering I was going through. But I kept my head on a swivel and kept pushing forward. About six months ago, I came to a realization that I wanted more for myself. I feel like after everything I been through, I deserve so much more for myself. I was tired of the same cycle.

At that time, I began to use my incarceration to my advantage and utilizing all that was being offered to me. I started to actually pay attention to programs that I was attending, such as anger management and cognitive behavior.

Those two programs showed me how to control my anger by focusing it on other things, and how to make better choices. I got my head out of the gutter and put it in the books and started to really focus in class. I began to learn new things and began to use them in my everyday life.

At that point I realized that education is really important and the key to a lot of things. But most importantly I began to seek guidance. Seeking guidance was really hard for me because I did not grow up asking for help or someone to talk to. I had a hard time expressing the way I felt, but then a special person taught me that it is okay to talk about my feelings. I started to express myself to my mentors that come and see me, and eventually I started to feel less stressed because I didn’t have this heavy burden on my shoulders.

Here I am, six months down the road, dedicated to everything I do. I am going to finish high school in May of 2024, and I will be the first of my family to finish high school on time and go to college. I am going to obtain my AA in nursing and become a travel nurse. Everything is finally coming together for me! That is my story of:

Incarceration to Determination!

About the

3RD ISSUE

The 3rd issue of Chained Minds to Changed Minds is called “Product of My Environment”. This issue will open the readers’ eyes to a whole new world, that world is called reality. These stories are full of pain, addiction, and heartbreak. Each one of them is true. You will be taking more than a walk through the writers’ memories, you will be taking a ride alongside them. We truly hope you will check back for this issue next month.