The Easter Issue 2016

The

Easter

Issue

floreatCastellum

In this issue...

2. June Ball Tinder Date 5. Durham Rebranding 8. Castle Power Couples 12.Year Abroad Middle East 14. Finalist Quiz 16. Lowe Rules 18. Humans of Castle 21. Face Swap 24. One Lonely Holiday 28. Gossip Girl This issue was brought to you by:

Maddy Vincent - Editor-in-Chief Tabby Boyd - Design Editor Charli Adams, Anna Beckett, Mike Bedigan, Fraser DesforgesMedhurst, Callie Foreman, Gossip Girl, Ellie Hill, Jimmy Lee, Eve Smith and Isaac Turner.

(This Floreat has been veriďŹ ed by Dickie)

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June Ball

Date

June Ball. Allegedly the highlight of three years at Castle.

Resultantly, the source of so much stress - the dress, the hair inspiration, the problem of ensuring makeup remains in place for the Survivors Photo. And the plus-one problem.

After #dategate of first year (for an explanation, ask our retiring VSS. Or Mike Bedigan - who will give you an entirely non-biased, non-bitter account), I was determined.

I would secure the perfect date for June Ball. I didn’t think I was being particularly demanding - the Holy Trinity of date qualities is as follows: taller than me (not difficult), able to make charming conversation throughout the meal, and a photograph to show future grandchildren that Granny used to be fun and didn’t always have bingo wings. Easy peasy!

And yet. Michaelmas and Epiphany terms have been and gone. And I do not have a date. I could blame it on the structural gender imbalance of Castle (no, Mum, it’s just that our year is really girl-heavy), but I know the truth. Having spent sixth form and half of my uni life in ‘the boyfriend club’, an element of my 14 year old girls school self remains - my staple flirting/ conversing with a boy position is ‘rude’, not helped by a chronic case of RBF. This unfortunately combines into a reputation of ‘mildly terrifying’, scaling up to ‘massively’ on a bad day, i.e. most of third year.

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Realistically, any possibility of success lay outside the Castle walls, and desperate times force desperate girls to turn to desperate measures. Having gone to my Year 11 prom with a boy I met on the night, I decided to deploy the same (slightly updated) strategy. I abandoned the 16 year old method of ‘my mate fancies your mate’ and turned to Tinder. Armed with a professional headshot (not taken for this purpose, I hasten to add) and a carefully curated profile, I waited for the offers to roll in.

Some replies were particularly tragic. Claiming you’re a ‘Durham 10’ was never going to cut it, and neither was a ‘snapchat application’. However, the Milanese model (complete with link to online portfolio) seemed promising, and certainly fulfilled the Instaworthy quality I was looking for - but he turned out to be a bit of an arse, complaining that JB sounded ‘too classy’ for his ‘grimy’ tastes. At this point, there was a clear frontrunner we’ll call him Freddie.

Freddie’s initial application was wonderfully sincere and hit just the right tone of begging, listed his best qualities (‘charm, dry wit and rugged good looks’ tick, tick, tick), and provided

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photos of him in his college fashion show to verify the claims (so many ticks). Those who responded with proper applications were rewarded with progression to the situational judgement stage of the process, asking how they’d prioritise and solve the multiple needs of a hungry, cold and sobering Charli at 3.30am on the night of the fabled JB. Freddie excelled in this, winning my heart with the promise of his jacket. All was going swimmingly. I suggested coffee, simply to ensure that we didn’t commit to spending fifteen hours together if we absolutely despised each other. It was casual, it was cool. And then. I fucked it. Freddie didn’t respond for a day. Bemoaning my tragic mistake at dinner, I absentmindedly turned to the GIF keyboard on Tinder and typed in ‘coffee’.

And accidentally sent a GIF of a shaking, over-caffeinated, crazed Fry from Futurama. (NB: I’ve never seen Futurama).

Thankfully, my friends stopped me from putting a hammer through my phone in shame and fury, but I think it’s safe to say that that conversation died a rather tragic death.

And so here I am. 21 and dateless. I could rant on and on about how the entire system of requiring sign-up in couples is patriarchal, heteronormative, and exclusionary. But I shan’t.

Instead, I shall end with a simple plea. If anyone (seriously, at this point I’m not fussy. My requirements for my ‘dream boy’ are the same as Louise Rennison’s, of Angus, Thongs fame: ‘Back, front, sides, everything. A head’) is similarly dateless/ has been waiting all this time to confess their undying love for me, skip Tinder. Send your applications to: c.g.adams@ durham.ac.uk.

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Durham rebranding

The university announced in March that they want to prevent student groups that are not part of the university (but are part of the DSU) from using the ‘Durham University’ name or any university graphics. Students were outraged, petitions were started, JCRs voted in opposition and as quickly as it started it went quiet again. I can’t predict whether the policy will be enforced and I certainly hope that it isn’t, but I think that this minisaga is worthy of dissection.

First, the university’s motivation questionable – supposedly, the moral dereliction displayed at

Fraser DesforgesMedhurst

the DU Charity Fashion Show highlighted the fact that many DSU groups operate under the Durham University name without official affiliation.

More concerning for the university’s managerial magi was that these renegade poseurs were doing so with total disregard for police relations and the mythologised ‘Durham brand’. However, this reasoning doesn’t sit well with me – the DUCFS didn’t cause public outrage, the brand survived and whilst the police might be disgruntled, would that really be enough to warrant a policy decision as brazen as this?

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Secondly, the asinine and naïve implication that all societies are an embarrassment to Durham University is not just offensive to their members and leaders, it is also entirely moronic.

Our societies benefit students educationally and culturally and are incredibly supportive of charities. Even ignoring DUCK, we have societies that help animals, children and people suffering from poverty; we also have societies that recruit bone marrow donors and others that try to help women access male-dominated careers. There is even a society dedicated the supporting the Good Country Index, which determines which country makes the greatest

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contribution to the good of humanity (spoiler: it’s Ireland, apparently).

Student societies are an asset to the university, so Corbridge’s desire to distance them is baffling – in PR terms alone, the good done by societies for the university brand must outweigh the bad.

The other side of this muddled coin is the DSU. First, the DSU showed itself to be out of touch.

Shocker. They realised from the outset that there could be opposition to the new branding schema, but they massively underestimated it, only mobilising opposition after feedback from students.

More importantly, this issue has illustrated that the DSU is fundamentally

flawed. No doubt when the policy first reached them, the DSU executive were thrilled – it promised increased loyalty, more visibility, greater engagement – but the organisation is shrouded in such a putrid miasma of incompetence and has fallen so foul of student opinion that not even a royal decree from the VC can force our allegiance to it. Rather than tolerate the DSU, 1138 students have signed a petition saying that they would rather ally themselves to the uncaring faceless university than our representative body. It is at this point that the unsustainable grotesquerie of the DSU becomes clear – the President has to represent students but, in this case,

that means imploring the university to let societies remain attached (in name, at least) to the university because none of them want anything to do with the DSU, even though they are actually union groups. In an almost ironic twist, the reaction to a policy that could have strengthened the DSU has actually shown in screaming technicolour that our DSU President cannot both represent us and work for the benefit of the DSU itself. To represent us is to condemn the DSU and to better the DSU is to ignore us; without radical action our students’ union will continue to stagnate, at odds with itself, swaddled in laughable disrepute.

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The Definitive List of Castle’s Power Couples (according to Mike Bedigan)

According to numerous, highly reliable sources*, 72% of Durham students will end up married to another Durham alumnus, and although the majority of these relationships happen after graduation, some of Castle’s finest have got ahead of the game. *these sources cannot be named for reasons of ambiguity and general uncertainty.

Tom Hill and Urn Cullen

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Everyone loves power and there’s nothing more powerful than a tall, dark, handsome Irish woman.

With extensive knowledge of Anglesey and the American media’s portrayal of the nuclear apocalypse, as well as a vice senior claim to a UNESCO world heritage site, it’s quite possible that there is nothing this couple can’t achieve.

Emily Sporik and Nick McQueen What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

The unstoppable force stops getting with Freshers in Klute and the immovable object comes back from Paris and is super cool and worldly and they settle down together and it’s really cute. The definition of a power couple.

Eve Smith and Dumitha Gunawardene A true fairy-tale relationship. Distinguished Castlewoman is courted by Hill-savage in the hopes of obtaining college green card. Along the way he learns how to love and she in turn falls for his snappy dress sense, rugged physique and ability to totally shred it on the guitar. Her friends are initially apprehensive but then realise he’s a bit of a legend really and they all live happily ever after.

Like with most things in life, if you don’t ask you don’t get, so congratulations to the newest members of the G Winstanley Askers Club: Anna Keith (and Adam Wells).

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Tabby Boyd and Alex Demidov

OCPA

Fat stacks of college money, fingers in many toasties, collectively bilingual and prestigious college periodical connections. It’s hard to find anything wrong with this couple. Part of you hopes that they’re both horrible people on the inside or that they look bad in photos together but goddammit that’s not true either!

Who knows what’s going on with this lot? Teeny is with Blackwood. Horsey is with Moore…or is it Varela? Apparently Ed Thomas has a girlfriend now? Does Atkinson-Coyle? – He should do, he’s a nice lad. Is Woolley still necking freshers? Where do Bishop, Reid, Rendell, Hill and Marles fit into all of this? Does anyone care? Maybe they’ll all get married to each other one day and live together in a big house in the country.

That would probably be easier for everyone.

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Alastair Poole and Georgia Snyder Not really sure what makes this couple so powerful, but it’s either sex controversies or politics.

Drew Lyons and Alexandra Wilshaw Young love is a beautiful and exciting thing…unless it’s PDA to the point of induced vomiting. If you find yourself in a lecture that is not related to your course because your other half “weelly weelly misses oo,” then something has gone howwibly howwibly wong. Hopefully it will work out, but I’m more inclined to suspect a spectacular crash and burn at some point in second year. Silly freshers.

Will Bedigan and Laura Bertoldi Built on strong foundations of tea and biscuits, this fresher couple take the concept of welfare love to a whole new level. It’s still early days but apparently she’s big into Lord of the Rings and an anonymous family member has revealed that “Mum thinks she’s delightful” so chances are she’s a keeper.

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Year Abroad Middle East

By Anna Beckett Things that mecca me laugh in a place where the sunnis almost always shining and the hummus is never shiite….

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My Arab host mum (aka Mama Jo) who just wants to feed me all day. Her staple ingredients are oil, salt, rice and chicken and it’s really helping me grow as a person on this year abroad lark.

We watch live coverage of the Mecca pilgrimage on TV. There’s a channel which just shows all the pilgrims circling the big black box in Mecca and Mama Jo is tuned in 24/7. It has a voice over of the Quranic verses and can be very entertaining, especially if you spot a woman trip up in her burqa.

Incompetent Arab men. The 22 year old son in my family got hungry but all the girls were out the house. So he cracked 4 eggs straight onto the gas rings and prayed for an omelette.

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•

Women with wet hair. Every time I come home after the gym with wet hair Mama Jo has a mini fit. She finally told me that it’s because only prostitutes walk the streets with wet hair here in Jordan. Obviously.

• When the Pepsi comes to the table on a posh tray with the best glassware. It’s probably Fatima’s birthday, or maybe Mohamed has got a promotion, either way you know you’re in for a par-tay as Pepsi is the Arab equivalent to Tesco Cava.

• Arabs and their fleece pyjamas. My 30 year old Jordanian sister has just spent her entire months holiday from work in her angry bird fleece pyjamas. No need to worry if you’ve got to leave the house - an ankle length coat and a hijab will mean the PJs do not need to come off.

• When people say Jordan is boring. Apart from the deserts, coral reefs, ancient cities, the Red Sea, the Dead Sea, views of Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Israel, Palestine, Syria, the Golan Heights and the Sea of Galilee, it really is crap.

• Being told ‘Welcome to Jordan!’ every single time I get in a taxi. Yeah thanks pal, only been here 3 months…now put the meter on. (And how the hell do they know I’m foreign?)

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What about Castle?

A - The Lowe and all its mysteries ;) B - The very cheap alcohol kind C - All the fab stuff organised by the JCR of D - The great bedroom I was given - Pick a college meal finalist Q2 A - Fish and chips B - I prefer living out will C - Brunch, every time D - Formal you Q3 - Why did you apply to Castle? famous Castle Spirit be? AB -- That I can’t actually remember

Q1 - What will you miss most

C - Cos u get 2 live in a Castle, duh.

D - I’m really into heritage!!!!

Q4 - Choose a weekend break from Durham...

A - Visiting my smarter friends in Oxford B - *Goes on Megabus and points randomly* C - Family friend’s 30th - Soho then clubs!

D - Lindisfarne and then tea in Berwick

Q5 - What’s your fave college event?

A - Too many to choose from!

B - Graduation C - June Ball D - Matriculation

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Q6 - Which uni would you do your postgrad at?

A - Anywhere that would have me B - One far away - Sussex or Bristol maybe C - London (law conversion lol!!!!)

D - I’d stay put in Durham

Mostly As - You are terrified about relinquishing the student lyf. Perhaps a Masters is on the cards... you know, just one more year? If not, then it’s back to living with the ‘rents.

Just ignore the fact they now airbnb out your bedroom to lodgers and don’t know your name.

Mostly Bs - You are a #CastleRebel living deep within the Viaduct, having mistakenly applied to Durham in the haze of a drunken hour. You can’t wait to leave and meet people who love Zadie Smith, listen to ambient electro and ‘might relocate abroad if the Tories win in 2020’.

Mostly Cs - You are exactly the same as 75% of your peers.

Things that get you going are labradors, Land Rovers, a well-paid London job and blissful naivety about the UK’s widening poverty gap. But hey, the promise of a Castle reunion at the Shard is so champagne emoji!

Mostly Ds - Congratulations, you’re the next Dickie. An enviable life full of wine, neoliberalism and 90s music compliations stretches far ahead of you. Start assembling a Klute posse immediately.

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Lowe RuLes

The months of April and May at Castle are a time when the entire atmosphere of college changes. Exams are looming, the Undie becomes a revision space, toastie bar makes record profits from procrastinating stress eaters. As finalists await the commencement of their last ever June (aka MONTH OF FUN) tensions in the Lowe library can run a little high. The uncomfortable seats in the toobrightly lit tiny sweatbox become hot commodities, with many a post to the fresher’s page expressing people’s annoyance at the unavailability of their favourite seat, or their disgust at the leftover orange peel on the desk. To try and ensure no-one is murdered here are a few rules to live by when working in the Lowe: If you are ill do not come to the library. Not only are you threatening to infect everyone else with your germs but you’re also horrendously noisy. No one wants to listen to the symphony of you coughing up a lung with intermittent sniffs. Go home, go to bed, and don’t return until you can eat spicy food without needing an entire box of tissues to hand.

Spiral stairs are banned from use for people with bladders the size of a pea - they are the noisiest stairs known to mankind and completely unnecessary considering there are stairs outside that don’t echo.

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Before coming to the Lowe please perform this test - put some headphones on and play your fav Queen Bey tune at a library appropriate volume, and then have a brutally honest friend sit next to you and listen. If you’re friend tells you that you sound like you’re auditioning for a role as Darth Vader in the next Star Wars film STAY AT HOME. If you have no friends you can record yourself, but please also consider that this may be because of your unnaturally loud breathing.

No food - it stinks, it’s messy, and no one needs food envy when you’re trying to concentrate on Chinese economic policy.

Vibrate and silent are different things. When you’re sat in an essentially silent room a vibrating phone may as well be a fog horn.

If you want to talk for more than 5 minutes GO OUTSIDE. And I don’t just mean to the other side of the library door where everyone can still hear your inane chatter.

Do not even think about trying to reserve a table overnight - your things will be deposited into the nearest bin.

No freshers on TFL - I’m sorry but it’s tradition. If you think you should be exempt from this rule please send an email to callie.foreman@durham.ac.uk with 250-300 words explaining why.

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Humans of Castle (Finalists Edition + Kesh)

Dumitha Gunawardene

Describe yourself in three words.

Castle Minority Representative. Music and beer. Iʼm from Grey.

What is your biggest struggle right now?

There are a few... Unemployability, understanding why some freshers think Dickie asked me to join Castle (that simply is not true) and peeing straight whilst answering this.

What is the most likely quality that you possess which secured your places at University Grey College 3 years ago?

Err… Bringing the average up. Lol. What would you say to your fresher self?

Mohammed wonʼt go to the mountain, the mountain must come to Mohammed. Talk to that nice Eva lady and one day the crest of DUO will turn from Grey to Castle.

Who do you not want to takeover Mundie next year?

Leano will do a fine job. Leano youʼre running it, in case you didnʼt know. Stupid fresher.

Kesh

Describe yourself in three words.

Young, desperate, single. (07429080450) What is your hidden talent?

French, Arabic, Italian. Oh and English and the language of love.

Whatʼs the highlight of your time here?

I threw a really good birthday bash for one of my best friends, it was just fantastic. It was fun had by all, good old harmless fun.

What is your most tragic moment here?

My whole life is tragic, itʼs really quite difficult to pinpoint one single moment.

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CCC

Describe yourselves in three words.

Travel in packs. Communicate through gifs. Sassy af.

What is your hidden talent?

We can rap and make our eyes look in opposite directions at the same time. Oh, we were also chemistry captains at school.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Strength: Finding a date for Ladies Night.

Weakness: Finding a June Ball date.

Strength: Award winning RBF Weakness: RBF which hides our true emotions and makes everyone think we are bitches.

Our kryptonite has to be loud breathers in the Lowe.

What would you say to your freshers selves?

You know you have friends for life when they put up with you paralytic at 3am struggling to get out of your flamingo costume and feed you toast.

Bodge

Describe yourself in three words.

Conscientious, competitive, friendly.

What is the most tragic experience youʼve had at Castle?

Had to sit through a few JCR meetings earlier this year in my capacity as VBC, they are bloody dull and largely pointless.

What is the most likely quality that you possess which secured your places at University College 3 years ago?

My personal statement. Originally, I planned on applying to Hatfield, so no clue really. I wrote a lovely sentence about the capital housing market in South Africa creating a new form of apartheid, may be that sealed it?

Give us an anecdote?

I was part of a fantastic party last term on 21st Jan (DOB: 21/01/95).

What would you tell your fresher self?

“Good job, fella - going strong”

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Max Holdsworth

Describe yourself in three words.

Letʼs go with. ʻSolid sorta Chapʼ What is your hidden talent?

For a number of years I was a ballet dancer and was one of the first boys in England to achieve merit at Grade 6. A source of surprise, admiration and confusion from my rugby coaches as I missed training sessions to practice for upcoming shows.

What are the peaks and troughs of your time here at Castle?

My days living at May Street in second year epitomised the manic highs and lows of university life, including a night spent sleeping under the stars whilst a smoke grenade burned merrily in the street. Thankfully lows have been few and far between however I was deeply hurt when my French grammar tutor suggested a man of my stature would be better suited to being on the rugby field than in the classroom.

What would you say to your fresher self?

Enjoy yourself, it goes far too quickly.

Enid Lau

Describe yourselves in three words.

Asian space princess What is the most likely quality that you possess which secured your places at University College 4 years ago?

My face. It fills up the international quota.

What is your hidden talent?

Youʼll only find the answer to that on a third date.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

Strengths - No shame, no guilt, no regrets.

Weaknesses - read the above for reference.

What would you say to your fresher self?

Well done on the friends you picked from day one - you have great taste in people and theyʼll be special in your life forever.

Anything you would like to add to the interview?

Canʼt wait to leave uni, sayonara bitches.

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FACE SWAP

The initial obsession with Snapchat’s latest update is probably all sounding a bit old by now but at the time there was bloody carnage and we all loved it. Here are some Castlemen making some weird and wonderful creations.

THE GOOD

No caption needed.

Annie Bishop and Dom Waugh.

Leo DiCaprio and Jack ‘The Gurn’ Hamblin.

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THE BAD Beautiful eye, Amber Ahmad.

Ever wondered what happened to the sun baby in Teletubbies?

Fittest fresher 2k14 has let herself go.

You CAN see the resemblance.

4 eyes breaking Asian stereotypes everywhere.

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THE UGLY KILL IT. KILL IT NOW.

Spot the dicks.

Clue: there are 3.

“When you realise you should be doing your dissertation” and “When you realise you aren’t getting deported’ Featuring: “When you find a girl who loves lasagne”

When mature students can’t let go.

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One lonely holiday

By Eve Smith

This Easter I made the decision to not run back home to the comforts of Mum’s home cooked food and the indulgences of Snapchats and Instagrams full of cute dogs, proper homes and nights out with the #homesquad. Instead I realised that as the majority of my degree rests upon a quadruple hand in on the 4th May, staying in Durham with it’s distraction free libraries was probably the more sensible option. To make these miserable four weeks go a little faster, I have decided to give you all an insight into what Durham is like when colleges and the Viaduct alike have emptied out, and locals night is every night.

Day 1

It’s Saturday. Most of my friends are leaving and the train window snapchats (e.g. Hetty Gittus: ‘Back to the countryside!!’. Fuck. Off.) are overwhelming. I immediately crack and go to see my grandparents in Yorkshire for some general love and attention, but mostly for some nice food.

Day 3

Back in Durham, I retreat to the Lowe and have to resist joining in the open day fun outside (#nosmenergy #soberfun).

Day 4

I am meant to be working bar but mid-afternoon, and after seeing baby faced pre-fresh run around our beloved castle, I decide that sadly an evening in the library is more

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appealing than serving children 5 years younger than myself.

I make the most of these extra hours of productivity by sitting in the undie and irritating Ellie instead. An afternoon well spent.

Day 5

My last housemate and Dumitha both leave me. How rude.

Day 6

I have now procrasticleaned most of the house and finally sit down to some work. This turns out to be less than successful as it is punctuated by a trip to Topshop to buy sunglasses (it was a sunny day and I wanted to feel part of it ok), a visit from everyone’s favourite Crazy Canadian Clare, a phone call from my mother again emphasising that I could just come home and work, abusive texts from Floreat’s very own editor again highlighting my aloneness and finally, a run. Anyone who vaguely knows me knows that this is so far out of character that it is akin to Jimmy Lee deciding he actually prefers spending his days at home in May Street rather than in the Castle, or Michelle the Bursar allowing a non-fireproofed rave with glass bottles on NG. After a stream of concerned texts from friends (e.g. Hetty Gittus: ‘Please

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don’t tell me you actually went for a run. I’m worried.’ thanks bae) I call it a day.

Day 8

It’s Easter Day. The day families traditionally get together and celebrate over roast lamb, long walks, cake and egg hunts. This year, I celebrated a little differently, spending the afternoon showing around my Mum’s colleague and daughter around Durham. I was delighted that the sunny spring day was showing Durham off to its best, and so didn’t even mind that much when the daughter asked if we could walk to the (closed) Law School. However, upon arrival at the Science Site, the heavens opened and a literal hail storm raged for a good 25 mins solid. We ploughed on and peered into the (closed) Law School whilst the freezing hail pellets melted down my back. I did have a #throwback moment to last Easter, skiing and having an Easter Egg hunt under blue skies in the snow. How things change.

From here, my day did take a more-Eastery turn by turning the house into a playing field for potentially one of the most intense and closely fought Easter Egg hunts I’ve ever done.

After almost falling out with Alex and Kesh for life over it, I kicked them all out. I’m not the best loser of Easter egg hunts.

Day 9-14 Fear, fear, Billy B, fear, diss, fear, diss, fear.

Day 15 The dream team (Alex and myself) cook up the most beautiful roast chicken, although unfortunately Alex seems to think roast potatoes should actually resemble those

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odd potato cube things they do in college. With Bodge and Kesh conveniently arriving as dinner was served, we spend a fruitful evening discussing where they should propose to their future wives. Skydiving your thing? Let Alex pop the question and push you out of a plane. Nicholas Sparks more your vibe? Look no further than Bodge. Want your groom to have a wild stag do in Vegas where he accidentally gets a shotgun wedding to someone else? Kesh is your man.

Continuing a theme, we popped When Harry Met Sally on. Tears from everyone. Dissertations really play on the emotions, I can tell you.

Day 16

I find lots of kitchen utensils in the grill. 0/10 would not recommend Bodge’s drying up to anyone.

Day 17 onwards:

Lost the plot.

Overall, I would highly recommend a lonely Durham holiday to the discerning Castleman. It makes going home only seem better, and it certainly reminds you that Durham actually is more than the university. Kind of.

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Until Untilnext nexttime. time.You Youknow knowyou youlove loveme, me,XOXO XOXO Until Untilnext nexttime. time.You Youknow knowyou youlove loveme, me,XOXO XOXO

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Cover by Ella Castle

is a preparation for “ Life the future; and the best

preparation for the future is to live as if there were none.

- Albert Einstein

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