I’m
Sorry to Disappoint,
But I Wish I’d Done So Sooner
By: Krisha Mae Cabrera
Age?
____ 29 years old.
Homeowner?
__________ No. Not for a long while, if ever. Marital status? ____________ Single.
Car? ____ I don’t drive. Corporate track? _____________ As if.
By every metric that had previously defined and dictated my life, I am an abject disappointment. I regret not flouting these metrics sooner.
“Took my chances on a big jet plane.
Never let ‘em tell you that they’re all the same.
Oh, the sea was red, and the sky was gray.
Wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.”
I still hum this now, Led Zeppelin’s “Going to California.” Though in my case, leaving California was my new start. When I left, the prospect of a new and wholly different tomorrow felt like a desperate relief from suffocation of the unbearable today.
Under that gorgeous golden California sun, moments of happiness had always seemed ephemeral—lingering shortly only to be supplanted by the next obnoxiously predictable objective towards success. The paths before me had been well-trodden. So that the land was bare and barren and that
once-comforting California sun came down heavy and mean, prodding us to chase phantom fruit.
I fled and defected to join the ranks of other disappointments. The giveruppers. The had-so-much-potentials. Before us, we’ve found greener grass. Veiled with uncertain fog, but soft under our feet, calling out with the promise of newness and belonging.
The song continues.
“Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams.
Telling myself it’s not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.”
As I stand on this hill, my dreams are my own and plenty. Every unknown tomorrow thrills me.”
As a bonafide disappointment, I’ve shuffled disgracefully and audaciously off the stage. A pariah, an outlaw, and a black sheep to all that once gave me purpose, I ride towards a lush meridian—the peak I’d never seen from the oft-traveled wasteland
Illustration: Krisha Mae Cabrera
music
With so many artificial music discovery tools among our curated algorithms, datadriven search histories and "if you like this, you'll like this" recommendations, it's hard to feel like you really found that one song for the Summer. You know - the one on repeat? The first one on your Side A, road trip CD, MySpace profile, iPod shuffle or that one you use on every Story post?
We asked our friends, folks and fam at FilAm Jam for their must-have jams on their ultimate Filipino summer playlist. Whether they're OPM oldies, Pride month plays or go-to karaoke ballads; we wanted to know what Filipino artists were on deck and why they made the grade for Summer 2024. - Jamin
Tobey Lynn Singer, Songwriter Fresh Grad
Ever Seen by beabadoobee
4 foot 2 by Juliet Ivy
Stuck by Liang Lawrence
Zosimo
Author, Composer, ZOS!MO
Pahinga by ZOS!MO
Holiday Song by the Pixies (Joey Santiago is FilAm)
Sunblind by Fleet Foxes (their touring drummer is FilAm, Chris Icasiano)
Wolf Gemora Drummer, The Mellow Dees Manager, Malibu Music
Laguna by Sampaguita
Waiting in Vain by Bob Marley & the Wailers
Fantasy by Earth, Wind and Fire
Melody del Mundo
Lead Singer, Songwriter, Guitarist, The Mellow Dees
Charity Ball by Fanny (vocalist and bassist are Pinay) gotta love this rocking vibe from this great band
Comment Te Dire Adieu by Francoise Hardy (very refreshing old song from this French singer back in 1968)
You on My Mind by Swing Out Sister (takes me back to my younger years in Manila)
Thelma
Former Rock DJ, Voice Over Artist
Huling El Bimbo by Eraserheads! (Classic singalong that makes me think of Manila and my radio days at NU 107.)
Nice To Know You by Incubus (Puts me in a “drive fast down the freeway on a sunny day with no other cars on the road” mood.)
Island in the Sun by Weezer (Makes me think of the beach at noon, tapping my toes, sipping a fruity smoothie under a big umbrella on the beach.)
About Our Center Spread
by New York-based Artist Erwin Ong It’s A Coloring Sheet
What kind of art do you practice?
I make line art on paper using rollerball pens and markers. My work is bright and happy, and features animals, plants, and organic shapes.
Can you tell us a little about the drawing you are sharing with us?
This coloring sheet is from a series called, “Dreaming of El Nido,” inspired by a childhood vacation in Palawan where I got to go scuba-diving. Seeing all the fish and coral glistening in the sun under the clear waters-that experience has stayed with me through the years.
Tell us about your Filipino background.
I’m Chinese-Filipino, and I immigrated to the States with my family in the early 90’s.
What’s your favorite Filipino food?
Sinangag and laing.
When you think of Spring and Summer - what comes to mind?
To me, summer means vacations, taking a break from routines, and recharging.
Everything Everywhere All At Once Altered My Brain Chemistry
Video creator Janna Mae shares one movie that transformed the way she thinks about the world.
Janna Mae is a video creator, writer, director and producer from LA. She shares one movie that, in her words, “altered her brain chemistry.” This was originally posted on her Instagram.
“These are the movies that transformed/challenged the way I think about the world starting with… Everything Everywhere All At Once (EEAAO)
From A24, artist: James Jean EEAAO taught me that with any life you choose, there will always be something to overcome, and something to love.
We can choose to grieve for the lives we have not lived, accept the meaninglessness of life and put all our pain and trauma into a bagel until it swallows us whole or… accept the cosmic significance of our choices. That every choice we make is part of a larger whole that we cannot even fathom. and I don’t know about you…but I think that makes living this life I’m living now really meaningful and beautiful.
The struggle to connect with our parents lies in the cyclical nature of generational values— and it’s so important for society to recognize our generational differences and work towards understanding one another — otherwise it leads to… well we got a glimpse of it from Evelyn and Joy’s relationship.
It goes without saying that EEAAO is unlike any movie that’s ever come out in the last decade. Not only did it encapsulate everything I’ve ever thought about the world we live in and what it takes to break the cycles of generational trauma, but it also put into perspective what it means to… well, put meaning in life. and it does this while being absurdly funny, genuinely heart felt, and highly engaging.”
What movie has made an impact in YOUR life?
Follow Janna @janna.em on Instagram.
food
TWO TO TRY
by Mars
BREEZY
The most overused phrase right now has got to be HIDDEN GEM.Trust that once a foodie posts their HIDDEN GEM discovery on the ‘gram, that restaurant doesn’t stay hidden for too long. But here are two new-ish Filipino-owned food concepts that truly are GEMS in the culinary scene.
San Juan Capistrano
In a quiet corner of quaint San Juan Capistrano, there's a delightful surprise waiting to be discovered. Breezy, a Filipino-owned restaurant, is making its mark in an area where the Filipino population isn't particularly large. They call it an Island Style brunch concept
BARYO AT UNION
at COMPOUND, Long Beach
Meanwhile, in Long Beach, another delightful Filipino and Southeast Asian-inspired fusion restaurant awaits: Union Restaurant with food curated by Baryo. Located inside Compound, a cultural and community space with an art gallery, this long-term pop-up, or "residency," as they call it, offers a
featuring Filipino-inspired breakfast menu items, but I call it masarap.
Even if you’ve never had Filipino food, you’ll find yourself savoring dishes like their popular Longanisa Bowl, Adobo Breakfast Burrito, and Ube Pancakes. It’s a fusion, yes, but it’s a delicious fusion. Often, when a restaurant is aesthetically pleasing and the food is Instagrammable, there’s a worry that it might lack in flavor. Not Breezy. This San Juan Capistrano gem scores high on both aesthetics and taste. Kudos to owner Jasmin Gonzalez and chef-partner Michael Dancel.
dining experience like no other. Chef Eugene Santiago creates something truly special here.
The plates at Baryo at Union are meant to be shared, so gather your barkada and dive into dishes like crispy cassava bravas, shrimp toast, pork kare kare, and fried chicken bao buns.
Both Breezy and Baryo at Union are proof that Filipino cuisine, whether through breakfast bowls or tapas-style, continues to enchant and satisfy. So, the next time you’re in San Juan Capistrano or Long Beach, make sure to visit these hidden gems.
art
By Tree Art
aka Tree Herrera
I like to explore various types of art instead of focusing on one. Mainly, my art practice is centered around growth, expression, mental health, disability, promoting awareness of American Sign Language, self-love, and recently, music. I am more of a visual artist. I paint, draw, create zines, and make prints. Recently I have been water painting flowers, mainly yellow flowers. The intention behind this is a concept of continuously blooming in whichever stage of life you are in. Yellow is a happy color, like the sun; it's interesting how it fits because it's now summer. For music and ASL related art, I recently performed two songs using ASL for my sister Karen's band, Take Kare at Non Plus Ultra. That was a huge accomplishment and opportunity for me because I don't normally do that. I am usually behind the scenes and in the audience. It was remarkable to show that part of myself as well as advocate for disabled folks and the deaf community in the music scene. In addition to that, I made some improv beats in 2019, which was a way to express myself and to keep that as a memory. Recently, I received an opportunity to share openly and publicly in Vlasinda's Desolate Library 'Non-Traditional'Episode 5 on Spotify.
About this drawing…
SONGS
IN MY SUMMER PLAYLIST (2024)
San-San Onglatco, LA based Writer/Director
4.) CALIFORNIA by Joni Mitchell
I participated in the "do this in your style challenge" by Aleo Covi. There's no prize for participating in this challenge but instead just to have fun creating. I was going through struggles battling with my health and discrimination. Working on this helped me stay grounded and enjoy making art again. I used whatever materials and mediums I had. This was an experiment combining acrylic paints, pen inks, and colored pencils. I was aiming for something other than perfecting every area and exploring where I could go with it. Instead of flamingos, I drew 'I love you hands' (in ASL) to show the support from the universe and the people in my life. I have a heart on my chest to represent the healing and love I receive. I put a moon, a sun, and stars to show that I'm part of this world, even though I sometimes feel out of place because of my speech disability. I wanted to offer something positive and hopeful, knowing that you belong. You can belong to two different worlds, like me. I'm part of the hearing and deaf worlds.
1.) TIME by Olivia Dean
Olivia Dean has an incredible voice and her music never fails to transport me into a feel good vibe. This song is perfect for the summer. It will keep you feeling cool during the summer heat. Her sound has been described as "throwback pop soul with pillowy jazz toned vocals".
Her other songs that are on my summer playlist: DIVE, OK LOVE YOU BYE, and THE HARDEST PART (feat. Leon Bridges).
2.) GOOD LUCK, BABE! by Chappell Roan
This is my song of the summer. I can't help but dance to this song whenever it comes on. Her album “THE RISE AND FALL OF A MIDWEST PRINCESS” is amazing. Chappell Roan's music is what I didn't know needed in my life.
3.) GENESIS pt. iii by Raye
I discovered Raye recently. I saw her perform live at Coachella and I became an instant fan. I was blown away by her last album, MY 21st CENTURY SYMPHONY (performed live at the Royal Albert Hall) which is a reinvention of her debut album MY 21ST CENTURY BLUES. She reminds me of a contemporary Amy Winehouse. She has a whole lot of soul. Her songwriting is very personal and raw. Her music blends jazz, doo wop, pop, rap, and hip hop.
Joni Mitchell's music defies genre. She is a brilliant artist and songwriter. I've always been drawn to the lyrical poetry and vulnerability in her songs. I recently decided to go through her discography. I’ve been revisiting her album BLUE. This past June marked the 17th anniversary of me leaving the Philippines and moving to LA. The song CALIFORNIA hits differently this time around. California has become my home.
5.) LIGAYA - Kitchie Nadal (originally by the Eraserheads)
Lately, I’ve been feeling nostalgic and started reminiscing about my college days. I’ve been listening to the album ULTRAELECTRONICMAGNETICJAM!: THE MUSIC OF THE ERASERHEADS. This was the first Eraserheads tribute album where their iconic songs were covered by various bands and solo musical artists. I was already a big fan of the Eraserheads when this tribute album came out while I was in college. This album inevitably became my college soundtrack. Kitchie Nadal’s cover of LIGAYA captures the bliss of falling in love as a college student in the Philippines. Her singing the song from a female perspective makes it even more relatable. The original Eraserheads songs will always remain great and iconic but the tribute album holds sentimental value to this particular millennial. I can’t help but "to feel the feels", when I remember that period in my life.
About the Cover
Artist Hana K with Deaney Weaney Blooks
“The flowers on the cover are Sampaguita, Ylang Ylang, Santan, Gumamela and Orkid. It’s a collaboration between me and Deaney Weaney Blooms. She created the paper flowers and I created the design.”
- Hana K., Filipinta Beauty, Creative Director and Founder.
What do you like about spring?
My favorite thing about Spring is the perfect temperature! It gets really cold in the East Coast so Spring is something I look forward to. The downside is the allergies.
Follow Hana @filipintabeauty
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
MARS Editor & Publisher
JAMIN, KRISHA, ERWIN, TREE, JANNA, SAN SAN Contributors
HANA Cover Art
ANNA Layout
filamjam.com @filamjam on Instagram
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