SEPTEMBER 2022 THEHEIDI’STHROUGHFUNDRAISINGAPANDEMICWALKFORHOPEashorthistoryHOPEINAHOPELESSTIMEhopepersistsWEBELIEVEYOUtheLotusCentreIT’SABOUTSURVIVALpoetrygivingvoiceMANYFACESOFTRAUMAwecansurvive
LIESJE DOLDERSUM > ART DIRECTOR
What’s inside
16 THE MANY FACES OF TRAUMA > SAMRA ZAFAR
We don’t move on from trauma—we move on with it.
KELLY LEE > COPY-EDITOR
14 WE BELIEVE YOU > SHERALYN ROMAN
4 HEIDI’S WALK FOR HOPE > BRENNAN SOLECKY
Hope is the last thing ever lost. ~ Italian Proverb
A short history of the event and our guest speaker’s bio.
Let’s talk about hope.
10 IT’S NOT ABOUT BEING GRACEFUL, IT’S ABOUT SURVIVAL > TABITHA WELLS Ann Randeraad and her Rise Again collection.
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Cause for HOPE, even when we’re finding that four-lettered word elusive.
8 FUNDRAISING THROUGH A PANDEMIC > BRENNAN SOLECKY
Adapting and evolving as we made our way through.
6 HOPE IN A HOPELESS TIME > NORAH KENNEDY
IMAGES > STOCK / PROVIDED
The Lotus Centre gives hope to survivors of sexual violence.
Our guest speaker: Maureen Davis
As always, all funds raised on this day go to sup porting FTP’s critical education, counselling and shelter programs.
These events share the same mandate: to raise funds and awareness about ending violence against women in our community. We’re excited to final ly have the opportunity to be together in person again as we combine the two virtual events into one, taking place outdoors at the beautiful Island Lake Conservation Area.
This year, after two challenging years of virtual event alternatives, we are delighted to mark our return to in-person events with Heidi’s Walk for Hope. This year’s event is a combination of Heidi’s Walk and the annual HOPE Project, which histor ically has also been held in the fall.
Tragically, on September 12, 2009, Heidi Lee Fer guson (née Bogner) was killed by her estranged hus band. In 2012, the Ferguson Memorial Walk was created and hosted by Heidi’s parents, Penny and Gus Bogner, as a way to honour Heidi’s life, raise awareness and prevent future violence against women in our community.
For the next seven years, the Ferguson Memorial Walk was hosted on the third Sunday each Septem ber in memory of Heidi and in support of Family Transition Place’s (FTP’s) programs and services.
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In 2019, having raised over $130,000 for FTP, the Bogners passed the torch to FTP, entrusting us to take over the hosting of this event.
Maureen Davis is a front-line crisis responder trainer, mentor and dispatcher. As a survivor of domestic abuse, she uses her experience to advocate for women in abusive relationships. She also trains police officers, social workers and other agencies in non-judgmental, compassionate response to intimate partner violence. She’s a writer and speaker and when she’s got some down time she loves hanging out with her granddaughter, reading, writing and photography. She can be reached at maureendavis.621@gmail.com
Photo by Embrace Photography
In 2020, the event was renamed Heidi’s Walk, and continued as a walk dedicated to the memory of Heidi Ferguson and all women in our commu nity who have been killed because of domestic vi olence. Heidi’s Walk proudly honoured the legacy
Heidi’s Walk for Hope
of the Ferguson Memorial Walk and to-date, these two events have collectively raised over $150,000 in support of FTP.
A short history — by Brennan Solecky
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The new dawn blooms as we free it. For there is always light if only we’re brave enough to see it, if only we’re brave enough to be it.
~ Maya Angelou
~ Wilfred Peterson
~ Amanda Gorman
~ J.R.R. Tolkien
When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.
~ Mark Twain
It’s always something, to know you’ve done the most you could. But, don’t leave off hoping, or it’s of no use doing anything. Hope, hope to the last!
~ Paulo Coelho
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
The world needs less heat and more light. It needs less of the heat of anger, revenge, retaliation, and more of the light of ideas, faith, courage, aspiration, joy, love and hope.
There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for.
by Norah Kennedy, Executive Director, Family Transition Place (FTP)
Hope in a hopeless time
Women and children locked down at home with their abusers were more at risk of extreme violence than ever before; calls to crisis lines everywhere soared. Mental health for everyone deterio
Throughout the last two and half pandemic years, there have been times when I have stopped watching or listening to the news. I avoided social media. I felt the need to protect myself—from well,
Andeverything!whilethose
times of self-preservation have been necessary for many of us, ultimately, I felt the guilt of avoiding reality, so I pulled my head out of the sand and paid attention to the world around me. It wasn’t always easy. I saw political and philosophical polarization drive wedges between friends, neighbours and fami lies. I learned new words—none of them generous or kind—“an ti-vaxxer”; “covidiot”, “lib-tard” (really?); I listened to voices shout ing that pandemic restrictions meant our rights were being stripped and others proclaiming that existing pandemic restrictions weren’t strict enough. No one, of any political stripe, approved of what anyone in government or leadership was or wasn’t doing.
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Norah Kennedy. Photo by Sharyn Ayliffe
rated. Drug poisonings and substance use rose.
For a time, nurses and frontline health care workers were our heroes. Across the country they were applauded and cheered. Until they weren’t. Now, headlines are all about the health-care crisis; emergency departments being closed because there is no one to staff them. Healthcare workers are too burnt out—over worked, underappreciated, underpaid to stay and staff our hos pitals, nursing homes and congregate settings. (Bill 124 still re mains in place and prevents organizations from giving increases to employees like nurses, mental health workers and yes, violence against women staff.)
“Freedom” took on a whole new meaning—as did the Canadi an flag for many—as the “Freedom Convoy” freely made its way across the country and entrenched itself in our nation’s capital, in protest of pandemic restrictions.
In recent months, I watched in disbelief as the hard won rights for women in the United States of America—the “land of the free”—suffered an unparalleled blow when the Supreme Court
In order to have hope, we need to have the highest potential vision of the shiniest future we can imagine. In doing so, we will create positive actions and attitudes that will inevitably identify the barriers in our way, but our focus will be the positive hope ful future we have imagined for ourselves. We cannot find hope by focusing on the negative struggle. Look at all the times we’ve tried. How did the “war on drugs” go? How is our struggle to end violence against women progressing?
The ongoing war in Ukraine has had widespread repercussions that are battering the global economy. At my safe distance, I am able to be concerned about this, while avoiding thinking about the massive loss of life, the suffering and the destruction of cities, towns and communities.
The day Monkeypox hit the headlines I rolled my eyes. Seriously?
Is it any wonder that most of us are finding that little four letter word HOPE elusive?
Hildy Gotleib, head of the organization Creating the Future, puts it like this: “…while reacting to harmful situations is one of many necessary steps in creating the humane, healthy, equita ble world we want—fighting poverty or climate change or addic tion—the problem arises when we aim at such interventions as the goal itself. We are aiming at means as if they are ends.” Hildy’s point is that by focusing only on the problems—climate change, COVID, racism, gun or gendered violence—we make the elimi nation of the problem the ultimate goal.
The Talmud’s quote gives me concrete actions to follow: justly, mercifully, humbly, one step in front of the other.
My imagined “highest potential future,” gives me a glimpse of what might be—what CAN be. It makes me smile. I can see it so clearly (is that a child I see running through the woods? Do they have my daughter’s eyes?).
Climate change, despite our attention having been dragged away by all of the above, is escalating and wreaking havoc all over the world. Never seen before temperatures hit climates like the United Kingdom’s, where rain and fog and moderate temperatures are the norm. Climate disasters and predictions get worse each day and I worry about my children’s futures and the futures of my hypothetical grandchildren (do I dare to hope I do not have any?).
We are living in what feels like a hopeless time. But we are not hopeless. We mustn’t be. We have a responsibility to work at cre ating the future we want to see. We each have a contribution to make. No, we “are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are we free to abandon it.”
However, “neither are you free to abandon it.” If this statement is true, and I think it is, then I cannot give in to grief or despair.
FTP’s vision statement imagines the future as we want it to be. “A community where all individuals are treated with compassion, equity and respect, and live their lives in healthy relationships.”
“Love mercy.” I do, I love mercy. So I will look for mercy where otherwise it might go unseen. I will reward it when I see it. And foster it in myself when it most needs fostering. I can work at loving“Walkmercy.humbly now.” I can practice gratitude more genuinely. I can allow other voices to take up more space than my own. I can work at being humble, and generous and thankful.
rolled back the long standing judgement on Roe vs. Wade, essen tially stripping away the ability for women to make choices about their bodies, their medical care and their reproduction.
I have been accused of being too idealistic before. I accept that. But personally, I must have hope. Without hope, there is no mo tivation for, well, anything. Once you believe that everything is doomed, there is no reason to try anymore.
One step. Then the next. Just imagine where those small steps might take us…
Hope means that you are able to envision a better future than the present you are living in. I can’t remember where I read that. But I like that definition. If I can imagine a world that is better than today, where people live freely, justly, mercifully, humbly— then I have a goal that is worth pursuing. If I can imagine it, I can believe in it. And if I can believe in it, then I have hope.
What if we created a vision statement for our future world? What if our daily focus on social or mainstream media was on ac tivities that were moving us closer to achieving that vision? What if we could motivate the citizens of the world to imagine that fu ture together? If we started from our commonalities and not our differences, would our imagined futures be that different? Most of us want compassion, equity and respect for ourselves and our families, don’t we? What else can we envision together?
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I am comforted—and relieved—by the last two lines in the quote “You are not obligated to complete the work.” I am assured that I do not have to feel guilty about not having all the answers, or the energy to keep going past what is reasonable for me. I un derstand, from this, that I will not see the end of the world’s grief in my lifetime. Nothing that I do, not my work, the commitments that I make, the actions I take, will “complete the work”, but that’s okay, because if I do my job properly, there will be others ready and able to carry on.
The Talmud states, “Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly now, love mercy now, walk humbly now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.”
I watched in horror as gun violence escalated; cried as children were murdered in their classrooms; recoiled in disbelief while bla tant and violent racism resulted in the deaths of far too many peo ple (one is too many), and despaired as the graves of Indigenous children were uncovered at the sites of residential schools across the country I have loved and lived in my whole life.
This quote is hung on the wall in my office. It resonates with me, especially on those days when the “enormity of the world’s grief” is overwhelming. I read this and let the words settle in my core. It becomes a road map I can follow through the quagmire of hopelessness: “Do justly now.” Okay. I can work on that. I can be conscious of being fair, strive for equity and try to make just decisions. I can examine how my position and privilege affects the balance of justice. I can commit myself to trying to do justly.
I am not free to bury my head in the proverbial sand and pretend the grief is not there, but I cannot choose to not have hope.
We had never done anything like this before, and the gener ous response from our schoolmates was surprising, heartwarm ing and rewarding for us both. The fact that we were doing the right thing by helping others who needed support, is what mattered to us most.
Fundraising through a pandemic
I would be lying if I said the last two and a half years didn’t challenge my values. Truth be told—and I don’t think I’m alone in this—I wouldn’t describe very much about the pandemic as “good.” There were, however, several times throughout this global crisis that I got glimmers of my “Toonies against Terror ism” fundraising beginnings, reminding me why I still feel so passionately about working in this field, despite the challenges of March 2020, and beyond.
I can remember organizing my very first fundraiser. It was the day after the horrific events of 9/11 occurred in the United States. And while I didn’t understand the magnitude or significance of the event beyond the devastation and terrifying imagery broad cast on our local news station, I knew I felt compelled to help.
My friend Kayla and I decided we would collect donations from classes at school and called our fundraiser “Toonies against Terrorism.” For the next week, following the daily morning an nouncements, Kayla and I would make our way through our small school in rural Lambton County from class-to-class, col lecting donations. While friends were out for lunchtime recess, we were in the library counting and rolling money.
> The HOPE Project couldn’t be hosted at Hockley Valley Resort, so we launched two different HOPE Project experiences back-to-back. In 2020, in honour of FTP’s 35th anniversary, we shared 35 Days of HOPE on social media—raising awareness, celebrating survivors and sharing stories of hope and resilience
I joined the FTP family six weeks before the pandemic was declared. I was hired as the manager of development and com munity relations, responsible for fundraising, communications and relationship building in our community. My first and last in-person event was International Women’s Day in March 2020, which feels like a lifetime ago, and yesterday, all at once. When we were sent to work from home, I hadn’t yet met with a single donor, community partner or board member. There were still FTP staff I hadn’t yet been introduced to.
I did decide on this career path five years later, when I start ed my post-graduate studies at McMaster University, and I’ve been in fundraising ever since.
Like it was for many other agencies in Dufferin-Caledon, it wasn’t easy for Family Transition Place (FTP) to ride all of the “waves” of COVID. It wasn’t easy to physically distance, to cancel or virtually host fundraising events, to remain patient
> Our International Women’s Day (IWD) Celebration Luncheon couldn’t be a luncheon. Instead, we launched our Phenomenal Women campaign, which encouraged our com munity to celebrate and recognize phenomenal women in their life by purchasing and placing lawn signs or buying exclusive gift items online, in honour of IWD.
when internet glitches, partners, children or pets interrupted virtual meetings, to acclimate to wearing full personal protec tive equipment, to continue wearing masks inside—even to day…the list goes on.
> We weren’t able to gather at Island Lake for Heidi’s Walk (formerly The Ferguson Memorial Walk) throughout the pan demic, so we launched a virtual event experience, allowing anyone to participate in Heidi’s Walk—from anywhere—rais ing awareness and funds on our behalf through online event platforms. This year, we are so grateful to finally be in a place that allows us to experience Heidi’s Walk for Hope together, in-person, for the first time since 2019.
“If you can’t see the good, be the good.” by Brennan Solecky
When the pandemic started, the need for our services didn’t stop. We needed to find ways to pivot to ensure we were stay ing top-of-mind as an available local resource, and raising much-needed funds for our programs and services.
While I wouldn’t say this was quite the start of my profession al fundraising career, I continued to live my life—personally and professionally—rooted in the same values, intention and pos itive belief that inspired Kayla and I to launch this fundraiser. Ultimately, “If you can’t see the good, be the good.”
With helpful guidance from our moms, Kayla and I trusted that the local chapter of Red Cross would know how to get the funds we raised to who needed them most. While delivering our donation to the branch office in Sarnia, they asked to take a photo with us holding a big cheque to publish in our local newspaper. I can naively (and embarrassingly, now!) remember thinking how complicated the process of depositing such a large cheque at the bank must be. I also remember thinking how strange it was to be taking a photo. After all, neither of us had done this for any sort of recognition or accolades—we did this because it was the right thing to do during the chaos that was going on in the world.
Some of the best and most impactful interactions and con versations I’ve been privileged to have with donors and part ners throughout my career have been in-person. Come to think of it, before the pandemic, I didn’t know what Zoom was, or what an essential tool it would become. There’s some thing special about the connections and relationships that can be cultivated when people are together, sharing experiences, sharing a meal—not so simple in a pandemic when almost everyone was simply doing their best to survive day-to-day. Fundraising and relationship building—like all else that we did up until March 2020—needed to evolve, and quickly.
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Here’s how we adapted:
• Total donations to our services and programs increased in 2020 and 2021, allowing us to establish a Post-Pandemic Recovery Fund.
• Because so many people were at home, our social media followers were sharing and engaging with our posts and reading our e-newsletters more than ever before.•For the first time in our 36-year history, we were unable to accept donations of products, services or gifts for moms and children in our shelter over the holidays. Donors purchased our entire Amazon Wish List and dropped off gift cards for gifts and special meals for the women and children staying with us.
And as we were transforming the way we could engage with our community, responding to changing directives, our com munity stayed with us every step of the way.
which we provide service, fundraise and communicate—now and into the future. And after two and a half years of changing directives, mandates, ever-evolving information and statistics, one thing that has remained constant is you: our supporters. We were able to make the swift decisions we needed to make at every single twist and turn because we had the support and confidence of our community.
When our supporters weren’t seeing the good in the world, they were still being the good. Our community has demonstrated time and time again, no matter the way we pivoted or pirouetted to share our message or emerging needs, they responded as they always have: positively, with love, kindness and generosity.
I can tell you wholeheartedly, because of the commu nity support that continues to be demonstrated, that I have never been more hopeful and excited for the future of an or ganization I’ve had the privilege to work for. Thank you for your continued trust in FTP, for your belief in and support of the work that we do, and for being the good, even when the world seemed anything but.
Scan to view a shortened version of The Time is NOW!
daily for 35 days. In 2021, together with our partners at The atre Orangeville, we hosted The time is NOW!, a virtual gala experience complete with a beautiful delivered Lavender Blue catered dinner. This exclusive video experience, silent auction of donated designer watches and live Q&A was a fitting tribute to our heroes—our staff—who have been an unwavering source of hope for our clients throughout the pandemic.
• While we are always delighted to host cheque presentations and share wonderful news of donations on our social media, many generous donors continued to support us quietly and anonymously.
Watch a shortened version of this presentation below.
The evolution of the last two and a half years has not been easy, but has given us the opportunity to ultimately define the way in
We know that the demand for our services isn’t going any where—even when the pandemic is long behind us—so we feel even more grateful that our community has continued to support us and the people that rely on us in so many ways. The very fact that we have had such steadfast support, through these truly historic challenges and changes to our program ming and events, sparked the nostalgic feeling that got me hooked on fundraising many years ago: it was surprising, heartwarming and rewarding.
In November, Ann will bring her show, Rise Again, to Hereward Farms in East Garafraxa—a collection of pieces that demonstrate the stories that come from those who have experienced or been close to someone who has gone through sexual or intimate partner violence.
Speaking about sexual and intimate partner violence is about more than raising awareness and trying to end it—it’s also about providing hope and healing for those who are victims of “Certainlyit. the stories need to be told, and the truth needs to be out there,” said Ann Randeraad, a local clay artist, illustrator, and“Butwriter.it’s also that people who have gone through it, or are currently in these kinds of situations, need to know they’re not alone, first and foremost. It needs to bring exposure, but it also needs to bring validity to the journey back out.”
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It’s not about being graceful
“As the name might suggest, it is about the story of survi vors gaining back and indeed having the ability to rise again,” Ann explained. “There are both sculptures and other forms of art that will relate to that journey.”
Ann Randeraad’s Rise Again collection gives voice to emotional impact of domestic/sexual violence, and instills hope
Above, Ann Randeraad. Inset, one of her clay pieces.
WellsTabithabyphoto
It’s about survival. by Tabitha Wells
Ann worked with Family Transition Place (FTP) on find ing the location for her show, and Hereward Farms was se lected because of their ongoing support for the organization and what it does.
“We wanted to find a location that would pay tribute to their work and the purpose and direction of the show,” said Ann. “It just seemed like a very natural union [with Hereward Farms], and it’s such a beautiful backdrop that connects with the intention of the show.”
So what made Ann take on such an emotional and heavy topic? It’s personal for Ann, as she has both witnessed and experienced generational family violence. A show like Rise
or sadly that people will relate to them,” said Ann. She notes there will also be functional pieces as part of the show, as life isn’t just about the struggles.
Again is filled with so much raw emotional experience. It aims to give those going through this kind of violence a space to not only feel seen, but to give them assurance that they are not alone and that support is available.
“Combined with the poems, [they] are very di rect, and I think will draw emotions from people,
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“All you needed to do was write about any thing for 12 weeks,” Ann explained. “Even though I had dealt with some of these issues as a young adult, I realized almost immediately that I had only peeled surface layers away. What started as one poem quickly became many poems.”
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“It’s emotional exposure,” explained Ann. “It’s important for people that go through things like this, because they’re often not free or encouraged even to express their emotions. There’s just so much shame.”
Rise Again will run from November 9 to December 4, Wednesdays to Sundays from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. at Hereward Farms. The reception will take place on November 12 from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. A portion of the proceeds from the show will be donated to FTP.
Ann says the idea for the show originally came from a series of poems she was writing, which are now part of a book. When she was working through her clay mentorship through a program with the Ontario Clay and Glass Association, her mentor chose to use a book called The Artist’s Way to help the artists in the program peel back and find their creative voice.
She also hopes that open discussion on domestic violence helps survivors realize that support is out there, helps them to realize that they are not responsible for the abuse and especially, that they know they are not alone in the healing journey.
Giving voice to both the struggles and the hope of moving forward are things Ann believes are important in the fight to end sexual and intimate partner violence, and that is a big part of the Rise Again collection.
As the poems came out, Ann realized it need ed to become more—it needed to become a show, because the story needs to be told. The aim is that the poems, sculptures, and show create opportunities for connection with peo ple, becoming part of a web of support, helping them see the validity of their experiences.
“Even with all our knowledge and the support networks that are far beyond what my mother or grandmother had in place, domestic violence is still an ongoing issue,” Ann said. “There’s still a very definite need for support. I hope that peo ple recognize this as a community, as a society and that we’re aware that the issue is ongoing. I want to shed light on it.”
“There’s also beauty in rising again,” Ann said. “It’s import ant to include beautiful pieces as part of this show to represent the beauty of survivors, and the opportunity to begin again. Even though it is hard and raw, and in many ways negative, Rise Again is about finding beauty and peace in ourselves and our lives moving forward.”
Ann hopes that Rise Again gives voice to the pain suffered by those experiencing domestic violence and that together we can make change.
“I believe very strongly that many people feel that they are alone or without support because there’s so much shame attached to experiencing this,” said Ann. “People [often] believe that they’re in some way at fault or contributing to it. They believe that, of course, because they’ve been conditioned to believe it.”
The sculptures in the collection are directly re lated to individual poems within the book, created with the same intention of identifying words that give voice and exposure to the rawness of the art.
“The sculptures are not pristine and perfect, they are meant to be almost coarse,” said Ann. Because this is not about a pret ty picture. This is about saying it straight. This is about getting through it. It’s not about being graceful, it is about survival.”
Start planning ahead for next year’s events! Naydo's Potatoes is a full service, mobile French Fry and Poutine truck serving Erin and surrounding areas.
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Three simple yet powerful words—we believe you—are at the core of what the new Lotus Centre at Family Transi tion Place (FTP) is about.
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Working from the premise that sexual violence is “never your fault,” the staff and counselling team at FTP provide
a safe place for survivors to flourish and bloom—much as the lotus flower does—emerging through mud, blooming slowly, one petal at a time. It is a symbol of strength, re silience and rebirth—of beauty without blemish. At The Lotus Centre, healing IS possible and together, the team helps clients to discover their inherent strengths and ac knowledge their own power.
We believe you
In the midst of a pandemic, FTP was awarded new funding through the Ministry of the Attorney General for
Giving hope to survivors of sexual violence. By Sheralyn Roman
Hope is behind the doors to the Lotus Centre. New funding has provided FTP with the ability to provide greater support to those who have experienced sexual vio lence, as well as the family and friends who support them.
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has changed and some of the change was driven by the clients themselves. Clinical Counsellor, Christi na Gonzalez has been with FTP for over 10 years, and echoes the comments of the entire team when she explains that “lan guage and labels are so important. It’s critical to highlight the importance for survivors to find their voice and to speak out.”
Sparking a sustained cultural change might seem daunting but if anyone is up to the challenge, it’s the team behind the Lotus Centre at FTP. Here you will find a safe space, counsel lors who understand trauma, who are “respectful, gentle and kind,” and who will listen so that you feel “heard, understood and validated.” Perhaps most importantly of all—you will find people who believe you.
Lotus Centre
All genders and identities are served at the Lotus Centre by a team of dedicated experts committed to recognizing the trauma arising from sexual violence. The team helps survi vors and their loved ones obtain much-needed support. Holding credentials in social work, coun selling and psychology, and with many years of experience behind them, the Lotus Centre crisis in take team and counsellors use a variety of strategies—includ ing trauma-focused therapy—to support survivors. Clients are able to call directly for help through FTP’s 24-hour support line (519-941-4357 / 1-800-265-9178) or they can request a referral through community partners and human service
Sexual Violence Counselling and Support
Muchagencies.ofthework
Beyond counselling and sup port, the Lotus Centre has a second and equally important component to its work and that is the vital role that education plays in reducing sexual violence. Sexual Violence Community Engagement Facilitator, Barb Mason, shares that education is an essential aspect of the work the Lotus Centre will undertake in the community. “To be able to provide excellent support to survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones is a priority but, how do we stop the cycle? How do we target the root cause of the issue? How do we get to a point where we actually see a shift in culture that translates into a reduction of sexual violence in the communities we serve? Education is the key to prevention.” There are a number of plans in place over the coming months and years to connect with community agen cies, youth, school boards, sports organizations and even area businesses to ensure everyone knows about the Lotus Centre, how it can help, and that eliminating sexual violence is the responsibility of us all.
FTP is not the only agency to have replaced terms like “sex ual assault” with “sexual violence” and “victims” with “sur vivors.” Empowered survivors who feel “heard, understood and validated,” don’t think of themselves as victims any lon ger. Lotus Centre team member Lauren Babcock comments, “The work of healing trauma related to sexual violence has also changed to now include providing support to partners, family members, or friends of someone who has been subjected to sexual violence. This is because the Lotus Centre recognizes the impact this can have on those supporting a survivor and it can be helpful and beneficial to have a space to learn more about the impacts of trauma, how to respond, and also how to
Sexual Assault Programming in Dufferin County. In consul tation with partner agencies that already deliver sexual assault services alongside FTP, a model was created for a new sexual vi olence centre. Funding began in October 2021, which allowed FTP to expand existing sexual assault services that had been delivered in partnership with Headwaters Healthcare Centre (HHC) and Dufferin Child and Family Services (DCAFS) for many years. HHC provides emergency medical attention for all victims of sexual violence, and collects important forensic evidence. DCAFS provides support and counselling for youth up to 16 years of age and FTP provides support and counsel ling for those 16 years of age and older. The creation of the Lotus Centre builds on the existing services by providing: an enhanced mobile crisis response; counselling support to survi vors, their family members and their friends; peer support and community outreach and education.
take care of themselves and survivors through positive coping.” What is sexual violence? How do you know if the shame, fear of violence or judgement, or any of the many feelings you might be experiencing are as a result of sexual violence? The answer is simple: “If something didn’t feel ‘right,’ then it prob ably wasn’t.” Ms. Babcock explains, “It’s important to help cli ents understand and acknowledge that what they went through was indeed sexual violence and in no way their fault. Often, there are reasons why people dismiss or downplay their experi ences and it is helpful to explore that. Ultimately we meet the clients where they are at.” Sexual violence can be historic or recent but at its core, sexual violence includes being subjected to an unwanted and non-consensual touch or sexual act, sexual abuse, sexual assault or rape, trafficking, stalking, sexual ha rassment or sexual exploitation, or being exposed to language or behaviour or the non-consensual sharing of images. What matters most, however, is how you felt about what was expe rienced. Director of Counselling, Education and Community Mental Health Initiatives, Lynette Pole-Langdon adds, “We don’t want to ‘label’ people’s ex perience; especially if they don’t want it labelled…we want to help people work through how some thing has impacted them.”
The trauma olympics
Suffering is not a prerequisite to resilience. We don’t have to suffer to earn our stripes. There is no such thing as a suffering olympics. We don’t come to this world to suffer.
We don’t move on from trauma—we move on with it. By Samra Zafar
I grew up watching my father abuse my mother, and I accept ed it in my own marriage. As my daughter grew up, she saw only two emotions modeled for her—anger from her father, and despair from her mother. She would either shout or shut down—unable to process her own feelings of fear and helplessness, often labeled as a difficult child. It took me years to recognize the patterns of intergenerational trauma and break the cycle for my daughters. And our healing journey continues even today. Children who grow up with domestic abuse don’t just witness it. They experience it like it is happening TO them.
I am now in my 30s. I broke free from that child marriage a de cade ago and built a wonderful new life of freedom for myself and my daughters. I’ve shared my story hundreds of times around the world. I’ve even written a book about it. But none of that mattered in that moment when I saw my child self in the passport. None of it prepared me for the tsunami of pain and grief that engulfed me for the next few hours. That is the reality of living with trauma. It hits you unexpected ly like an overwhelming wave of deep emotions. And it sucks.
And you know when people say, “Everything happens for a rea son,” as if the worst of atrocities can be justified because some of us have triumphed through them? Kids getting molested, young girls being denied education and forced into marriages, people being tortured and murdered in the name of religion, children being separated from their parents, women trapped in cycles of abuse, and millions of us feeling afraid to live our truths. Is all that somehow okay because some of us managed to persevere?
Trigger warning: Parts of this piece may be triggering. Please take the time and space to look after yourself and seek help. You may call the FTP crisis line at any time, 24/7: 1-800-265-9178
A few weeks into the first lockdown of the pandemic, while doing my hair, I had a sudden vivid flashback of my ex-husband hitting me because some of my hair had escaped from my hijab at a dollar store. For the next few weeks, I had other memories, high levels of anxiety, feeling afraid in my own home, trouble sleeping. I couldn’t understand why I was suddenly remembering things from 20 years ago, until my therapist asked: “Samra, when was the last time you were isolated, told you cannot go out of the house, or meet your friends?” Even though my intellectual brain knew that this was a pandemic, not an abusive marriage, my body carried the trauma memories and experienced it the same way. There are triggers all around us that can bring up traumatic memories. We also experience collective trauma. The COVID-19 pandemic
We live in a world where trauma is often justified, even glori fied. So many of us grow up begging to be loved. We try to bend ourselves out of shape to fit into societal boxes of acceptance. We struggle with anxiety, depression, and despair, believing that our truth makes us unworthy. We are taught that love is transactional. It comes at a price. If our family treats us badly, we are told to keep trying harder, and one day they will love us back—even though we may be completely depleted and hating ourselves by then.
For every bad thing I may have been able to come out of, I know I am not the norm. There are millions suffering endlessly, ending their lives, living with addictions, and other harmful effects of the trauma they were subjected to. So toxic positivity doesn’t help. On the contrary, it makes people feel that the fact they are not able to simply “bounce back stronger” from what happened to them means that there is something wrong with them.
When I left my abusive marriage, something that no woman from my family had ever done before, I was called a shameless woman and a bad mother. When I succeeded in my academics and career, I was told, “What’s the point of you winning these awards and schol arships if you failed at the real purpose of being a woman? Shame on you.” When I started sharing my story to help others, I was accused of defaming my culture and religion for self-promotion. I know I am not the only one. Over the last decade of my advocacy work, I have heard from countless people afraid to come forward with their faith, beliefs, sexuality, gender, goals, ambitions—afraid of living their truth—due to cultural and religious trauma.
The various faces of trauma
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We even compare our trauma with others—trying to earn brownie points, by saying things like, “Oh this is nothing, I’ve been through so much more than you.” Or we minimize and in validate our own experiences by saying, “Oh I suffered too, but it’s nothing compared to you, so I shouldn’t really complain.”
A few years ago, while I was packing for an upcoming move, I came across my old Pakistani passport. As I opened it, my 16-year-old self looked back at me, with the words “married” and “housewife.” I was a child bride.
We are conditioned to believe that by suffering, we are showing everyone how good and virtuous we are. My ex-mother-in-law used to give me the example of her sister who, despite getting beaten up by her husband every day, would never complain—that was the sign of a good wife. Those were the standards of nobility that I should strive for in order to earn that revered pot of gold waiting for me at the end of the suffering rainbow.
has taught us that we may be in the same storm, but we are not in the same boat. Some of us are cruising along in luxury yachts, merely inconvenienced, while many of us are hanging onto any pieces of debris we can find to keep our heads above water. People are losing their livelihoods and loved ones. Domestic abuse is in creasing in intensity and frequency because isolation is an abuser’s best friend. Mental health challenges are on a steep rise. We are inundated with traumatic news, hate, and division. This pandemic may end soon, but its disproportionate effects will last for gener ations to come.
Even when the wounds heal, the scars remain
Trauma is not something we can easily pack in little boxes in our brains and move on with our lives as if it never happened. Healing is not linear. No matter how much time passes, there will be moments of Ipain.spent years beating myself up for not getting “over it,” as if there was something wrong with me. I shamed myself for being too sensitive, too weird, too damaged. Until I learned that the most important thing I needed to heal was love, compassion, and kind ness—from myself. We deserve our own compassion. So when that tsunami of pain hits us, we know how to swim through it.
We don’t move on from trauma—we move on with it I often get asked what advice would I give to my younger self? Years ago, my answer was that I’d tell her to be brave, fearless, cou rageous. But today, the only thing I would say to her is, “Thank YOU for not giving up on your dreams, for having hope, for fighting for your truth, for not losing your essence, for asking for help, for choosing to heal and love. Thank you, because if you hadn’t done all that, I wouldn’t exist.”
Empathy is not about solving problems—it is about holding space
Samra Zafar is an award-winning internationally renowned speaker, bestselling author, and educator for equity, mental health, and human rights. Samra is pursuing her Medical Degree (MD) at McMaster’s DeGroote School of Medicine in Canada. She has been recognized twice among the Top 100 Most Powerful Women in Canada. She is also named among the Top 25 Most Inspirational Women in Canada and Top 25 Canadian Immigrants. Samra’s book, A Good Wife: Escaping The Life I Never Chose, based on her journey of escaping an abusive child marriage to pursue her education and shed light on gender-based oppression, is a national bestseller and currently be ing adapted to television. Her TEDx talks, speaking, writing, and advocacy work haVe impacted millions and have been extensively featured in national and global media.
We might be kind to ourselves, but if the people around us are putting us down, invalidating us, and shaming us, we will not get very far. Surrounding ourselves with people who empower us to live our truth is essential to our healing journey. I do regular relationship audits to let go of the bonds that no longer serve my growth and wellbeing. That involves setting boundaries, teaching people how to treat us, and cutting people off—which can often be difficult. After spending years trying to win my mother’s love and approval, I had to put a stop to the constant judging and shaming. It was painful but necessary. I’ve learned that it is better to adjust our life to someone’s absence, rather than adjust our boundaries to accommodate their disrespect.
We live with internalized stigma that prevents us from seeking help. We often feel that no one will understand us so why bother talking about it. The first step to reforming those patterns is recog nition and awareness. For years, I have been reading books about trauma, which have helped me understand and reframe the roots of my limiting beliefs, thoughts, and patterns. I’ve had short-term therapy for specific challenges. I worked with a trauma psycholo gist for five years who played an instrumental role in my healing. I have walked away from therapists who weren’t quite right for me. I’ve also benefited from family and group therapy with my daughters. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to getting help.
A few years ago, my daughter and I were in a group therapy program together. One afternoon, during the session, she started having a panic attack. She got up and went out of the building. I went after her and found her sitting on the sidewalk, distressed, telling me to leave her alone. My initial thoughts were, “What if someone sees her? It would be so embarrassing.” But I forced myself to pause and think, “What does SHE need from me in this moment?” She didn’t need me to tell her to get up or worry about what others would think. She needed me to help her feel through the pain. So I sat down with her and held her hand. We sat there for a few minutes. She sobbed. She hugged me and thanked me for not leaving her. We went inside and finished the rest of the session with our hands held beneath the table. Empathy is not about being right. It is about being there. For others, as well as forInourselves.thatpowerful moment, I learned that just like I held space for my daughter, just like I held her hand, just like I helped her feel validated and supported—I needed to do the same for myself.
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I might be more successful today than that 16-year-old girl in the passport. But I would gladly give up my accomplishments to get my childhood back, to not have had to climb mountains to get my education, to be able to make my own life choices, to not be subjected to years of abuse, to live without fear and pain. What happened to me was not okay then. It is not okay now. And it will never be okay no matter how glamorous my resume looks. I am not who I am today BECAUSE of what happened to me. I am here IN SPITE of it. I have tremendous gratitude for the life I have today. And I also grieve for the life that was taken away from me.
We build resilience collectively, by supporting each other
Vulnerabilities don’t make us weak—they make us human
Although many of us face unfair barriers that limit our access to appropriate help, we can find avenues that may be available. When I couldn’t afford private therapy, I accessed free therapy through the city’s walk-in counseling centres and family services programs. It is our right to get the help that is right for us. We can interview therapists, choose the care we need, and change it as our needs evolve. We are in the driver’s seat of our own healing journey.
Disclaimer: I am currently a medical student, training to be a physi cian. Everything discussed in this piece is based on my personal expe riences and does not constitute any form of medical advice.
Samra’s non-profit organization, Brave Beginnings, works with agencies like FTP by matching women survivors of abuse, violence or oppression with trained men tors, helping them rebuild their lives through friendship and support.
We don’t move on from trauma. We move on with it. Trau ma causes pain that breaks us and echoes for a lifetime. But just because we were once broken does not mean we are damaged or unworthy. Our trauma may remain part of us, but it doesn’t have to define us. We have the capacity to make art from those broken pieces. We can heal, we can become whole again, and we can transform into a stronger, more beautiful version of us. That doesn’t mean that what happened to us will ever be okay— it won’t. It means that the capacity of humanity to heal is more powerful and beautiful. That even with the scars, we can survive. We can thrive.
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