2022 HOPE Magazine

SEPTEMBER 2022

HEIDI’S WALK FOR HOPE a short history HOPE IN A HOPELESS TIME hope persists FUNDRAISING THROUGH A PANDEMIC IT’S ABOUT SURVIVAL poetry giving voice WE BELIEVE YOU the Lotus Centre THE MANY FACES OF TRAUMA we can survive

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What’s inside Let’s talk about hope.

4 HEIDI’S WALK FOR HOPE > BRENNAN SOLECKY

A short history of the event and our guest speaker’s bio.

6 HOPE IN A HOPELESS TIME > NORAH KENNEDY Cause for HOPE, even when we’re finding that four-lettered word elusive.

14 WE BELIEVE YOU > SHERALYN ROMAN

The Lotus Centre gives hope to survivors of sexual violence.

8 FUNDRAISING THROUGH A PANDEMIC > BRENNAN SOLECKY Adapting and evolving as we made our way through.

16 THE MANY FACES OF TRAUMA > SAMRA ZAFAR

We don’t move on from trauma—we move on with it.

10 IT’S NOT ABOUT BEING GRACEFUL, IT’S ABOUT SURVIVAL > TABITHA WELLS

Ann Randeraad and her Rise Again collection.

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KELLY LEE > COPY-EDITOR LIESJE DOLDERSUM > ART DIRECTOR IMAGES > STOCK / PROVIDED

Hope is the last thing ever lost. ~ Italian Proverb

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Heidi’s Walk for Hope A short history — by Brennan Solecky Tragically, on September 12, 2009, Heidi Lee Ferguson (née Bogner) was killed by her estranged husband. In 2012, the Ferguson Memorial Walk was created and hosted by Heidi’s parents, Penny and Gus Bogner, as a way to honour Heidi’s life, raise awareness and prevent future violence against women in our community.

For the next seven years, the Ferguson Memorial Walk was hosted on the third Sunday each September in memory of Heidi and in support of Family Transition Place’s (FTP’s) programs and services.

In 2019, having raised over $130,000 for FTP, the Bogners passed the torch to FTP, entrusting us to take over the hosting of this event.

In 2020, the event was renamed Heidi’s Walk, and continued as a walk dedicated to the memory of Heidi Ferguson and all women in our community who have been killed because of domestic violence. Heidi’s Walk proudly honoured the legacy

of the Ferguson Memorial Walk and to-date, these two events have collectively raised over $150,000 in support of FTP. This year, after two challenging years of virtual event alternatives, we are delighted to mark our return to in-person events with Heidi’s Walk for Hope. This year’s event is a combination of Heidi’s Walk and the annual HOPE Project, which historically has also been held in the fall.

These events share the same mandate: to raise funds and awareness about ending violence against women in our community. We’re excited to finally have the opportunity to be together in person again as we combine the two virtual events into one, taking place outdoors at the beautiful Island Lake Conservation Area.

As always, all funds raised on this day go to supporting FTP’s critical education, counselling and shelter programs.

Our guest speaker: Maureen Davis Maureen Davis is a front-line crisis responder trainer, mentor and dispatcher.

As a survivor of domestic abuse, she uses her experience to advocate for women in abusive relationships. She also trains police officers, social workers and other agencies in non-judgmental, compassionate response to intimate partner violence.

She’s a writer and speaker and when she’s got some down time she loves hanging out with her granddaughter, reading, writing and photography. She can be reached at maureendavis.621@gmail.com Photo by Embrace Photography

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The new dawn blooms as we free it.

For there is always light if only we’re brave enough to see it, if only we’re brave enough to be it. ~ Amanda Gorman

There is some good in this world, and it’s worth fighting for. ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

It’s always something, to know you’ve done the most you could.

But, don’t leave off hoping, or it’s of no use doing anything.

Hope, hope to the last! ~ Mark Twain

When we love, we always strive to become better than we are.

When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too. ~ Paulo Coelho

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. ~ Maya Angelou

The world needs less heat and more light.

It needs less of the heat of anger, revenge, retaliation, and more of the light of ideas, faith, courage, aspiration, joy, love and hope. ~ Wilfred Peterson

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Hope in a hopeless time

by Norah Kennedy, Executive Director, Family Transition Place (FTP)

Norah Kennedy. Photo by Sharyn Ayliffe

rated. Drug poisonings and substance use rose.

For a time, nurses and frontline health care workers were our heroes. Across the country they were applauded and cheered.

Until they weren’t. Now, headlines are all about the health-care crisis; emergency departments being closed because there is no one to staff them. Healthcare workers are too burnt out—over worked, underappreciated, underpaid to stay and staff our hospitals, nursing homes and congregate settings. (Bill 124 still remains in place and prevents organizations from giving increases to employees like nurses, mental health workers and yes, violence against women staff.)

“Freedom” took on a whole new meaning—as did the Canadian flag for many—as the “Freedom Convoy” freely made its way across the country and entrenched itself in our nation’s capital, in protest of pandemic restrictions.

In recent months, I watched in disbelief as the hard won rights for women in the United States of America—the “land of the free”—suffered an unparalleled blow when the Supreme Court

Throughout the last two and half pandemic years, there have been times when I have stopped watching or listening to the news.

I avoided social media. I felt the need to protect myself—from well, everything!

And while those times of self-preservation have been necessary for many of us, ultimately, I felt the guilt of avoiding reality, so I pulled my head out of the sand and paid attention to the world around me. It wasn’t always easy. I saw political and philosophical polarization drive wedges between friends, neighbours and families. I learned new words—none of them generous or kind—“anti-vaxxer”; “covidiot”, “lib-tard” (really?); I listened to voices shouting that pandemic restrictions meant our rights were being stripped and others proclaiming that existing pandemic restrictions weren’t strict enough. No one, of any political stripe, approved of what anyone in government or leadership was or wasn’t doing.

Women and children locked down at home with their abusers were more at risk of extreme violence than ever before; calls to crisis lines everywhere soared. Mental health for everyone deteriohope 6

I am not free to bury my head in the proverbial sand and pretend the grief is not there, but I cannot choose to not have hope.

Hope means that you are able to envision a better future than the present you are living in. I can’t remember where I read that.

But I like that definition. If I can imagine a world that is better than today, where people live freely, justly, mercifully, humbly— then I have a goal that is worth pursuing. If I can imagine it, I can believe in it. And if I can believe in it, then I have hope.

Hildy Gotleib, head of the organization Creating the Future, puts it like this: “…while reacting to harmful situations is one of many necessary steps in creating the humane, healthy, equitable world we want—fighting poverty or climate change or addiction—the problem arises when we aim at such interventions as the goal itself. We are aiming at means as if they are ends.” Hildy’s point is that by focusing only on the problems—climate change, COVID, racism, gun or gendered violence—we make the elimination of the problem the ultimate goal.

In order to have hope, we need to have the highest potential vision of the shiniest future we can imagine. In doing so, we will create positive actions and attitudes that will inevitably identify the barriers in our way, but our focus will be the positive hopeful future we have imagined for ourselves. We cannot find hope by focusing on the negative struggle. Look at all the times we’ve tried. How did the “war on drugs” go? How is our struggle to end violence against women progressing?

FTP’s vision statement imagines the future as we want it to be.

“A community where all individuals are treated with compassion, equity and respect, and live their lives in healthy relationships.”

What if we created a vision statement for our future world?

What if our daily focus on social or mainstream media was on activities that were moving us closer to achieving that vision? What if we could motivate the citizens of the world to imagine that future together? If we started from our commonalities and not our differences, would our imagined futures be that different? Most of us want compassion, equity and respect for ourselves and our families, don’t we? What else can we envision together?

I have been accused of being too idealistic before. I accept that.

But personally, I must have hope. Without hope, there is no motivation for, well, anything. Once you believe that everything is doomed, there is no reason to try anymore.

The Talmud’s quote gives me concrete actions to follow: justly, mercifully, humbly, one step in front of the other.

My imagined “highest potential future,” gives me a glimpse of what might be—what CAN be. It makes me smile. I can see it so clearly (is that a child I see running through the woods? Do they have my daughter’s eyes?).

We are living in what feels like a hopeless time. But we are not hopeless. We mustn’t be. We have a responsibility to work at creating the future we want to see. We each have a contribution to make. No, we “are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are we free to abandon it.”

One step. Then the next. Just imagine where those small steps might take us…

rolled back the long standing judgement on Roe vs. Wade, essentially stripping away the ability for women to make choices about their bodies, their medical care and their reproduction.

I watched in horror as gun violence escalated; cried as children were murdered in their classrooms; recoiled in disbelief while blatant and violent racism resulted in the deaths of far too many people (one is too many), and despaired as the graves of Indigenous children were uncovered at the sites of residential schools across the country I have loved and lived in my whole life.

The ongoing war in Ukraine has had widespread repercussions that are battering the global economy. At my safe distance, I am able to be concerned about this, while avoiding thinking about the massive loss of life, the suffering and the destruction of cities, towns and communities.

Climate change, despite our attention having been dragged away by all of the above, is escalating and wreaking havoc all over the world. Never seen before temperatures hit climates like the United Kingdom’s, where rain and fog and moderate temperatures are the norm. Climate disasters and predictions get worse each day and I worry about my children’s futures and the futures of my hypothetical grandchildren (do I dare to hope I do not have any?).

The day Monkeypox hit the headlines I rolled my eyes. Seriously?

Is it any wonder that most of us are finding that little four letter word HOPE elusive?

The Talmud states, “Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly now, love mercy now, walk humbly now.

You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.”

This quote is hung on the wall in my office. It resonates with me, especially on those days when the “enormity of the world’s grief” is overwhelming. I read this and let the words settle in my core. It becomes a road map I can follow through the quagmire of hopelessness: “Do justly now.” Okay. I can work on that. I can be conscious of being fair, strive for equity and try to make just decisions. I can examine how my position and privilege affects the balance of justice. I can commit myself to trying to do justly.

“Love mercy.” I do, I love mercy. So I will look for mercy where otherwise it might go unseen. I will reward it when I see it. And foster it in myself when it most needs fostering. I can work at loving mercy.

“Walk humbly now.” I can practice gratitude more genuinely. I can allow other voices to take up more space than my own. I can work at being humble, and generous and thankful.

I am comforted—and relieved—by the last two lines in the quote “You are not obligated to complete the work.” I am assured that I do not have to feel guilty about not having all the answers, or the energy to keep going past what is reasonable for me. I understand, from this, that I will not see the end of the world’s grief in my lifetime. Nothing that I do, not my work, the commitments that I make, the actions I take, will “complete the work”, but that’s okay, because if I do my job properly, there will be others ready and able to carry on.

However, “neither are you free to abandon it.” If this statement is true, and I think it is, then I cannot give in to grief or despair. hope 7

Fundraising through a pandemic “If you can’t see the good, be the good.” by Brennan Solecky when internet glitches, partners, children or pets interrupted virtual meetings, to acclimate to wearing full personal protective equipment, to continue wearing masks inside—even today…the list goes on.

I joined the FTP family six weeks before the pandemic was declared. I was hired as the manager of development and community relations, responsible for fundraising, communications and relationship building in our community. My first and last in-person event was International Women’s Day in March 2020, which feels like a lifetime ago, and yesterday, all at once.

When we were sent to work from home, I hadn’t yet met with a single donor, community partner or board member. There were still FTP staff I hadn’t yet been introduced to.

Some of the best and most impactful interactions and conversations I’ve been privileged to have with donors and partners throughout my career have been in-person. Come to think of it, before the pandemic, I didn’t know what Zoom was, or what an essential tool it would become. There’s something special about the connections and relationships that can be cultivated when people are together, sharing experiences, sharing a meal—not so simple in a pandemic when almost everyone was simply doing their best to survive day-to-day.

Fundraising and relationship building—like all else that we did up until March 2020—needed to evolve, and quickly.

When the pandemic started, the need for our services didn’t stop. We needed to find ways to pivot to ensure we were staying top-of-mind as an available local resource, and raising much-needed funds for our programs and services.

Here’s how we adapted: > Our International Women’s Day (IWD) Celebration Luncheon couldn’t be a luncheon. Instead, we launched our Phenomenal Women campaign, which encouraged our community to celebrate and recognize phenomenal women in their life by purchasing and placing lawn signs or buying exclusive gift items online, in honour of IWD. > We weren’t able to gather at Island Lake for Heidi’s Walk (formerly The Ferguson Memorial Walk) throughout the pandemic, so we launched a virtual event experience, allowing anyone to participate in Heidi’s Walk—from anywhere—raising awareness and funds on our behalf through online event platforms. This year, we are so grateful to finally be in a place that allows us to experience Heidi’s Walk for Hope together, in-person, for the first time since 2019. > The HOPE Project couldn’t be hosted at Hockley Valley Resort, so we launched two different HOPE Project experiences back-to-back. In 2020, in honour of FTP’s 35th anniversary, we shared 35 Days of HOPE on social media—raising awareness, celebrating survivors and sharing stories of hope and resilience

I can remember organizing my very first fundraiser. It was the day after the horrific events of 9/11 occurred in the United States.

And while I didn’t understand the magnitude or significance of the event beyond the devastation and terrifying imagery broadcast on our local news station, I knew I felt compelled to help.

My friend Kayla and I decided we would collect donations from classes at school and called our fundraiser “Toonies against Terrorism.” For the next week, following the daily morning announcements, Kayla and I would make our way through our small school in rural Lambton County from class-to-class, collecting donations. While friends were out for lunchtime recess, we were in the library counting and rolling money.

With helpful guidance from our moms, Kayla and I trusted that the local chapter of Red Cross would know how to get the funds we raised to who needed them most. While delivering our donation to the branch office in Sarnia, they asked to take a photo with us holding a big cheque to publish in our local newspaper.

I can naively (and embarrassingly, now!) remember thinking how complicated the process of depositing such a large cheque at the bank must be. I also remember thinking how strange it was to be taking a photo. After all, neither of us had done this for any sort of recognition or accolades—we did this because it was the right thing to do during the chaos that was going on in the world.

We had never done anything like this before, and the generous response from our schoolmates was surprising, heartwarming and rewarding for us both. The fact that we were doing the right thing by helping others who needed support, is what mattered to us most.

While I wouldn’t say this was quite the start of my professional fundraising career, I continued to live my life—personally and professionally—rooted in the same values, intention and positive belief that inspired Kayla and I to launch this fundraiser.

Ultimately, “If you can’t see the good, be the good.”

I did decide on this career path five years later, when I started my post-graduate studies at McMaster University, and I’ve been in fundraising ever since.

I would be lying if I said the last two and a half years didn’t challenge my values. Truth be told—and I don’t think I’m alone in this—I wouldn’t describe very much about the pandemic as “good.” There were, however, several times throughout this global crisis that I got glimmers of my “Toonies against Terrorism” fundraising beginnings, reminding me why I still feel so passionately about working in this field, despite the challenges of March 2020, and beyond.

Like it was for many other agencies in Dufferin-Caledon, it wasn’t easy for Family Transition Place (FTP) to ride all of the “waves” of COVID. It wasn’t easy to physically distance, to cancel or virtually host fundraising events, to remain patient hope 8

daily for 35 days. In 2021, together with our partners at Thewhich we provide service, fundraise and communicate—now atre Orangeville, we hosted The time is NOW!, a virtual gala and into the future. And after two and a half years of changing experience complete with a beautiful delivered Lavender Blue directives, mandates, ever-evolving information and statistics, catered dinner. This exclusive video experience, silent auction of one thing that has remained constant is you: our supporters. donated designer watches and live Q&A was a fitting tribute to We were able to make the swift decisions we needed to make our heroes—our staff—who have been an unwavering source of at every single twist and turn because we had the support and hope for our clients throughout the pandemic. confidence of our community.

Watch a shortened version of this presentation below.

We know that the demand for our services isn’t going anyAnd as we were transforming the way we could engage with where—even when the pandemic is long behind us—so we our community, responding to changing directives, our comfeel even more grateful that our community has continued to munity stayed with us every step of the way. support us and the people that rely on us in so many ways.

• Total donations to our services and programs increased in 2020 The very fact that we have had such steadfast support, through and 2021, allowing us to establish a Post-Pandemic Recovery Fund. these truly historic challenges and changes to our program• Because so many people were at home, our social ming and events, sparked the nostalgic feeling that media followers were sharing and engaging with our got me hooked on fundraising many years ago: it was posts and reading our e-newsletters more than ever surprising, heartwarming and rewarding. before.

When our supporters weren’t seeing the good in the • For the first time in our 36-year history, we were world, they were still being the good. Our community unable to accept donations of products, services or has demonstrated time and time again, no matter the gifts for moms and children in our shelter over the way we pivoted or pirouetted to share our message or holidays. Donors purchased our entire Amazon Wish emerging needs, they responded as they always have: Scan to view a List and dropped off gift cards for gifts and special positively, with love, kindness and generosity. shortened version of meals for the women and children staying with us.

I can tell you wholeheartedly, because of the commuThe Time is NOW! • While we are always delighted to host cheque nity support that continues to be demonstrated, that I presentations and share wonderful news of donations on our have never been more hopeful and excited for the future of an orsocial media, many generous donors continued to support us ganization I’ve had the privilege to work for. Thank you for your quietly and anonymously. continued trust in FTP, for your belief in and support of the work The evolution of the last two and a half years has not been easy, that we do, and for being the good, even when the world seemed but has given us the opportunity to ultimately define the way in anything but.

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It’s not about being graceful

photo by Tabitha Wells

It’s about survival. by Tabitha Wells

Above, Ann Randeraad. Inset, one of her clay pieces.

Ann Randeraad’s Rise Again collection gives voice to emotional impact of domestic/sexual violence, and instills hope “As the name might suggest, it is about the story of survivors gaining back and indeed having the ability to rise again,” Ann explained. “There are both sculptures and other forms of art that will relate to that journey.”

Ann worked with Family Transition Place (FTP) on finding the location for her show, and Hereward Farms was selected because of their ongoing support for the organization and what it does.

“We wanted to find a location that would pay tribute to their work and the purpose and direction of the show,” said Ann. “It just seemed like a very natural union [with Hereward Farms], and it’s such a beautiful backdrop that connects with the intention of the show.”

So what made Ann take on such an emotional and heavy topic? It’s personal for Ann, as she has both witnessed and experienced generational family violence. A show like Rise

Speaking about sexual and intimate partner violence is about more than raising awareness and trying to end it—it’s also about providing hope and healing for those who are victims of it.

“Certainly the stories need to be told, and the truth needs to be out there,” said Ann Randeraad, a local clay artist, illustrator, and writer.

“But it’s also that people who have gone through it, or are currently in these kinds of situations, need to know they’re not alone, first and foremost. It needs to bring exposure, but it also needs to bring validity to the journey back out.”

In November, Ann will bring her show, Rise Again, to Hereward Farms in East Garafraxa—a collection of pieces that demonstrate the stories that come from those who have experienced or been close to someone who has gone through sexual or intimate partner violence. hope 10

Again is filled with so much raw emotional experience. It aims or sadly that people will relate to them,” said Ann. to give those going through this kind of violence a space to She notes there will also be functional pieces as part of the not only feel seen, but to give them assurance that they are show, as life isn’t just about the struggles. not alone and that support is available.

“There’s also beauty in rising again,” Ann said. “It’s import“I believe very strongly that many people feel that they are ant to include beautiful pieces as part of this show to represent alone or without support because there’s so much shame attached the beauty of survivors, and the opportunity to begin again. to experiencing this,” said Ann. “People [often] believe that they’re Even though it is hard and raw, and in many ways negative, in some way at fault or contributing to it. They believe that, of Rise Again is about finding beauty and peace in ourselves and course, because they’ve been conditioned to believe it.” our lives moving forward.”

Ann hopes that Rise Again gives voice to the pain suffered Giving voice to both the struggles and the hope of moving by those experiencing domestic violence and that together we forward are things Ann believes are important in the fight to can make change. end sexual and intimate partner violence, and that is a big “Even with all our knowledge and the support networks part of the Rise Again collection. that are far beyond what my mother or grandmother had in “The sculptures are not pristine and perfect, they are meant place, domestic violence is still an ongoing issue,” Ann said. to be almost coarse,” said Ann. Because this is not about a pret“There’s still a very definite need for support. I hope that peoty picture. This is about saying it straight. This is about getting ple recognize this as a community, as a society and that we’re through it. It’s not about being graceful, it is about survival.” aware that the issue is ongoing. I want to shed light on it.”

Rise Again will run from November 9 to December 4, She also hopes that open discussion on domestic violence Wednesdays to Sundays from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. at Hereward helps survivors realize that support is out there, helps them to Farms. The reception will take place on November 12 from realize that they are not responsible for the abuse and especially, 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. A portion of the proceeds from the show that they know they are not alone in the healing journey. will be donated to FTP. Ann says the idea for the show originally came from a series of poems she was writing, which are now part of a book. When she was working through her clay mentorship through a program with the Ontario Clay and Glass Association, her mentor chose to use a book called The Artist’s Way to help the artists in the program peel back and find their creative voice.

“All you needed to do was write about anything for 12 weeks,” Ann explained. “Even though I had dealt with some of these issues as a young adult, I realized almost immediately that I had only peeled surface layers away. What started as one poem quickly became many poems.”

As the poems came out, Ann realized it needed to become more—it needed to become a show, because the story needs to be told. The aim is that the poems, sculptures, and show Adult day services, create opportunities for connection with peoindividualized community ple, becoming part of a web of support, helping support, social and them see the validity of their experiences. recreational groups, “It’s emotional exposure,” explained Ann. “It’s community advocacy and important for people that go through things like consulting this, because they’re often not free or encouraged even to express their emotions. There’s just so for people with neuro diversities and their families much shame.”

The sculptures in the collection are directly related to individual poems within the book, created www.branchingoutsupportservices.ca with the same intention of identifying words that 5 First Street Orangeville give voice and exposure to the rawness of the art.

226-259-9521 “Combined with the poems, [they] are very direct, and I think will draw emotions from people,

Community.

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Choice.

Creativity.

Start planning ahead for next year’s events!

Naydo's Potatoes is a full service, mobile French Fry and Poutine truck serving Erin and surrounding areas.

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We believe you Giving hope to survivors of sexual violence. By Sheralyn Roman

Three simple yet powerful words—we believe you—are at the core of what the new Lotus Centre at Family Transition Place (FTP) is about.

Hope is behind the doors to the Lotus Centre. New funding has provided FTP with the ability to provide greater support to those who have experienced sexual violence, as well as the family and friends who support them.

Working from the premise that sexual violence is “never your fault,” the staff and counselling team at FTP provide

a safe place for survivors to flourish and bloom—much as the lotus flower does—emerging through mud, blooming slowly, one petal at a time. It is a symbol of strength, resilience and rebirth—of beauty without blemish. At The Lotus Centre, healing IS possible and together, the team helps clients to discover their inherent strengths and acknowledge their own power.

In the midst of a pandemic, FTP was awarded new funding through the Ministry of the Attorney General for

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take care of themselves and survivors through positive coping.”

Sexual Assault Programming in Dufferin County. In consulWhat is sexual violence? How do you know if the shame, tation with partner agencies that already deliver sexual assault services alongside FTP, a model was created for a new sexual vifear of violence or judgement, or any of the many feelings you olence centre. Funding began in October 2021, which allowed might be experiencing are as a result of sexual violence? The FTP to expand existing sexual assault services that had been answer is simple: “If something didn’t feel ‘right,’ then it probdelivered in partnership with Headwaters Healthcare Centre ably wasn’t.” Ms. Babcock explains, “It’s important to help cli(HHC) and Dufferin Child and Family Services (DCAFS) for ents understand and acknowledge that what they went through many years. HHC provides emergency medical attention for was indeed sexual violence and in no way their fault. Often, all victims of sexual violence, and collects important forensic there are reasons why people dismiss or downplay their experievidence. DCAFS provides support and counselling for youth ences and it is helpful to explore that. Ultimately we meet the up to 16 years of age and FTP provides support and counselclients where they are at.” Sexual violence can be historic or ling for those 16 years of age and older. The creation of the recent but at its core, sexual violence includes being subjected Lotus Centre builds on the existing services by providing: an to an unwanted and non-consensual touch or sexual act, sexual enhanced mobile crisis response; counselling support to surviabuse, sexual assault or rape, trafficking, stalking, sexual havors, their family members and their friends; peer support and rassment or sexual exploitation, or being exposed to language community outreach and education. or behaviour or the non-consensual sharing of images. What All genders and identities are served at the Lotus Centre matters most, however, is how you felt about what was expeby a team of dedicated experts committed to recognizing the rienced. Director of Counselling, Education and Community trauma arising from sexual violence. The team helps surviMental Health Initiatives, Lynette Pole-Langdon adds, “We vors and their loved ones obtain don’t want to ‘label’ people’s exmuch-needed support. Holding perience; especially if they don’t credentials in social work, counwant it labelled…we want to help selling and psychology, and with people work through how someSexual Violence Counselling and Support many years of experience behind thing has impacted them.” them, the Lotus Centre crisis inBeyond counselling and suptake team and counsellors use a variety of strategies—includport, the Lotus Centre has a second and equally important ing trauma-focused therapy—to support survivors. Clients are component to its work and that is the vital role that education able to call directly for help through FTP’s 24-hour support plays in reducing sexual violence. Sexual Violence Community line (519-941-4357 / 1-800-265-9178) or they can request Engagement Facilitator, Barb Mason, shares that education is a referral through community partners and human an essential aspect of the work the Lotus Centre will undertake service agencies. in the community. “To be able to provide excellent support to Much of the work has changed and some of the change was survivors of sexual violence and their loved ones is a priority driven by the clients themselves. Clinical Counsellor, Christibut, how do we stop the cycle? How do we target the root na Gonzalez has been with FTP for over 10 years, and echoes cause of the issue? How do we get to a point where we actually the comments of the entire team when she explains that “lansee a shift in culture that translates into a reduction of sexual guage and labels are so important. It’s critical to highlight the violence in the communities we serve? Education is the key importance for survivors to find their voice and to speak out.” to prevention.” There are a number of plans in place over the FTP is not the only agency to have replaced terms like “sexcoming months and years to connect with community agenual assault” with “sexual violence” and “victims” with “surcies, youth, school boards, sports organizations and even area vivors.” Empowered survivors who feel “heard, understood businesses to ensure everyone knows about the Lotus Centre, and validated,” don’t think of themselves as victims any lonhow it can help, and that eliminating sexual violence is the ger. Lotus Centre team member Lauren Babcock comments, responsibility of us all.

“The work of healing trauma related to sexual violence has also Sparking a sustained cultural change might seem daunting changed to now include providing support to partners, family but if anyone is up to the challenge, it’s the team behind the members, or friends of someone who has been subjected to Lotus Centre at FTP. Here you will find a safe space, counselsexual violence. This is because the Lotus Centre recognizes lors who understand trauma, who are “respectful, gentle and the impact this can have on those supporting a survivor and kind,” and who will listen so that you feel “heard, understood it can be helpful and beneficial to have a space to learn more and validated.” Perhaps most importantly of all—you will find about the impacts of trauma, how to respond, and also how to people who believe you.

Lotus Centre

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The various faces of trauma We don’t move on from trauma—we move on with it. By Samra Zafar has taught us that we may be in the same storm, but we are not in the same boat. Some of us are cruising along in luxury yachts, merely inconvenienced, while many of us are hanging onto any pieces of debris we can find to keep our heads above water. People are losing their livelihoods and loved ones. Domestic abuse is increasing in intensity and frequency because isolation is an abuser’s best friend. Mental health challenges are on a steep rise. We are inundated with traumatic news, hate, and division. This pandemic may end soon, but its disproportionate effects will last for generations to come.

Trigger warning: Parts of this piece may be triggering. Please take the time and space to look after yourself and seek help. You may call the FTP crisis line at any time, 24/7: 1-800-265-9178 A few years ago, while I was packing for an upcoming move, I came across my old Pakistani passport. As I opened it, my 16-year-old self looked back at me, with the words “married” and “housewife.” I was a child bride.

I am now in my 30s. I broke free from that child marriage a decade ago and built a wonderful new life of freedom for myself and my daughters. I’ve shared my story hundreds of times around the world.

I’ve even written a book about it. But none of that mattered in that moment when I saw my child self in the passport. None of it prepared me for the tsunami of pain and grief that engulfed me for the next few hours. That is the reality of living with trauma. It hits you unexpectedly like an overwhelming wave of deep emotions. And it sucks.

When I left my abusive marriage, something that no woman from my family had ever done before, I was called a shameless woman and a bad mother. When I succeeded in my academics and career, I was told, “What’s the point of you winning these awards and scholarships if you failed at the real purpose of being a woman? Shame on you.” When I started sharing my story to help others, I was accused of defaming my culture and religion for self-promotion. I know I am not the only one. Over the last decade of my advocacy work, I have heard from countless people afraid to come forward with their faith, beliefs, sexuality, gender, goals, ambitions—afraid of living their truth—due to cultural and religious trauma.

I grew up watching my father abuse my mother, and I accepted it in my own marriage. As my daughter grew up, she saw only two emotions modeled for her—anger from her father, and despair from her mother. She would either shout or shut down—unable to process her own feelings of fear and helplessness, often labeled as a difficult child. It took me years to recognize the patterns of intergenerational trauma and break the cycle for my daughters. And our healing journey continues even today. Children who grow up with domestic abuse don’t just witness it. They experience it like it is happening TO them.

A few weeks into the first lockdown of the pandemic, while doing my hair, I had a sudden vivid flashback of my ex-husband hitting me because some of my hair had escaped from my hijab at a dollar store. For the next few weeks, I had other memories, high levels of anxiety, feeling afraid in my own home, trouble sleeping. I couldn’t understand why I was suddenly remembering things from 20 years ago, until my therapist asked: “Samra, when was the last time you were isolated, told you cannot go out of the house, or meet your friends?” Even though my intellectual brain knew that this was a pandemic, not an abusive marriage, my body carried the trauma memories and experienced it the same way. There are triggers all around us that can bring up traumatic memories.

We also experience collective trauma. The COVID-19 pandemic

The trauma olympics We live in a world where trauma is often justified, even glorified. So many of us grow up begging to be loved. We try to bend ourselves out of shape to fit into societal boxes of acceptance. We struggle with anxiety, depression, and despair, believing that our truth makes us unworthy. We are taught that love is transactional.

It comes at a price. If our family treats us badly, we are told to keep trying harder, and one day they will love us back—even though we may be completely depleted and hating ourselves by then.

We are conditioned to believe that by suffering, we are showing everyone how good and virtuous we are. My ex-mother-in-law used to give me the example of her sister who, despite getting beaten up by her husband every day, would never complain—that was the sign of a good wife. Those were the standards of nobility that I should strive for in order to earn that revered pot of gold waiting for me at the end of the suffering rainbow.

We even compare our trauma with others—trying to earn brownie points, by saying things like, “Oh this is nothing, I’ve been through so much more than you.” Or we minimize and invalidate our own experiences by saying, “Oh I suffered too, but it’s nothing compared to you, so I shouldn’t really complain.”

And you know when people say, “Everything happens for a reason,” as if the worst of atrocities can be justified because some of us have triumphed through them? Kids getting molested, young girls being denied education and forced into marriages, people being tortured and murdered in the name of religion, children being separated from their parents, women trapped in cycles of abuse, and millions of us feeling afraid to live our truths. Is all that somehow okay because some of us managed to persevere?

For every bad thing I may have been able to come out of, I know I am not the norm. There are millions suffering endlessly, ending their lives, living with addictions, and other harmful effects of the trauma they were subjected to. So toxic positivity doesn’t help. On the contrary, it makes people feel that the fact they are not able to simply “bounce back stronger” from what happened to them means that there is something wrong with them.

Suffering is not a prerequisite to resilience. We don’t have to suffer to earn our stripes. There is no such thing as a suffering olympics. We don’t come to this world to suffer.

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Empathy is not about solving problems—it is about holding space

I might be more successful today than that 16-year-old girl in the passport. But I would gladly give up my accomplishments to get my childhood back, to not have had to climb mountains to get my education, to be able to make my own life choices, to not be subjected to years of abuse, to live without fear and pain. What happened to me was not okay then. It is not okay now. And it will never be okay no matter how glamorous my resume looks. I am not who I am today BECAUSE of what happened to me. I am here IN SPITE of it. I have tremendous gratitude for the life I have today. And I also grieve for the life that was taken away from me.

A few years ago, my daughter and I were in a group therapy program together. One afternoon, during the session, she started having a panic attack. She got up and went out of the building.

I went after her and found her sitting on the sidewalk, distressed, telling me to leave her alone. My initial thoughts were, “What if someone sees her? It would be so embarrassing.” But I forced myself to pause and think, “What does SHE need from me in this moment?” She didn’t need me to tell her to get up or worry about what others would think. She needed me to help her feel through the pain. So I sat down with her and held her hand. We sat there for a few minutes. She sobbed. She hugged me and thanked me for not leaving her. We went inside and finished the rest of the session with our hands held beneath the table. Empathy is not about being right. It is about being there. For others, as well as for ourselves.

In that powerful moment, I learned that just like I held space for my daughter, just like I held her hand, just like I helped her feel validated and supported—I needed to do the same for myself.

Even when the wounds heal, the scars remain Trauma is not something we can easily pack in little boxes in our brains and move on with our lives as if it never happened. Healing is not linear. No matter how much time passes, there will be moments of pain.

I spent years beating myself up for not getting “over it,” as if there was something wrong with me. I shamed myself for being too sensitive, too weird, too damaged. Until I learned that the most important thing I needed to heal was love, compassion, and kindness—from myself. We deserve our own compassion. So when that tsunami of pain hits us, we know how to swim through it.

We don’t move on from trauma—we move on with it I often get asked what advice would I give to my younger self?

Years ago, my answer was that I’d tell her to be brave, fearless, courageous. But today, the only thing I would say to her is, “Thank YOU for not giving up on your dreams, for having hope, for fighting for your truth, for not losing your essence, for asking for help, for choosing to heal and love. Thank you, because if you hadn’t done all that, I wouldn’t exist.”

We don’t move on from trauma. We move on with it. Trauma causes pain that breaks us and echoes for a lifetime. But just because we were once broken does not mean we are damaged or unworthy. Our trauma may remain part of us, but it doesn’t have to define us. We have the capacity to make art from those broken pieces. We can heal, we can become whole again, and we can transform into a stronger, more beautiful version of us.

That doesn’t mean that what happened to us will ever be okay— it won’t. It means that the capacity of humanity to heal is more powerful and beautiful. That even with the scars, we can survive.

We can thrive.

Disclaimer: I am currently a medical student, training to be a physician. Everything discussed in this piece is based on my personal experiences and does not constitute any form of medical advice.

We build resilience collectively, by supporting each other We might be kind to ourselves, but if the people around us are putting us down, invalidating us, and shaming us, we will not get very far. Surrounding ourselves with people who empower us to live our truth is essential to our healing journey. I do regular relationship audits to let go of the bonds that no longer serve my growth and wellbeing. That involves setting boundaries, teaching people how to treat us, and cutting people off—which can often be difficult. After spending years trying to win my mother’s love and approval, I had to put a stop to the constant judging and shaming. It was painful but necessary. I’ve learned that it is better to adjust our life to someone’s absence, rather than adjust our boundaries to accommodate their disrespect.

Vulnerabilities don’t make us weak—they make us human We live with internalized stigma that prevents us from seeking help. We often feel that no one will understand us so why bother talking about it. The first step to reforming those patterns is recognition and awareness. For years, I have been reading books about trauma, which have helped me understand and reframe the roots of my limiting beliefs, thoughts, and patterns. I’ve had short-term therapy for specific challenges. I worked with a trauma psychologist for five years who played an instrumental role in my healing.

I have walked away from therapists who weren’t quite right for me. I’ve also benefited from family and group therapy with my daughters. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to getting help.

Although many of us face unfair barriers that limit our access to appropriate help, we can find avenues that may be available. When I couldn’t afford private therapy, I accessed free therapy through the city’s walk-in counseling centres and family services programs.

It is our right to get the help that is right for us. We can interview therapists, choose the care we need, and change it as our needs evolve. We are in the driver’s seat of our own healing journey.

Samra Zafar is an award-winning internationally renowned speaker, bestselling author, and educator for equity, mental health, and human rights. Samra is pursuing her Medical Degree (MD) at McMaster’s DeGroote School of Medicine in Canada.

She has been recognized twice among the Top 100 Most Powerful Women in Canada.

She is also named among the Top 25 Most Inspirational Women in Canada and Top 25 Canadian Immigrants. Samra’s book, A Good Wife: Escaping The Life I Never Chose, based on her journey of escaping an abusive child marriage to pursue her education and shed light on gender-based oppression, is a national bestseller and currently being adapted to television. Her TEDx talks, speaking, writing, and advocacy work haVe impacted millions and have been extensively featured in national and global media.

Samra’s non-profit organization, Brave Beginnings, works with agencies like FTP by matching women survivors of abuse, violence or oppression with trained mentors, helping them rebuild their lives through friendship and support.

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