view of the mountains, there is a semicircular blue sofa, on which I ery good! Ten days is just right,” says the am asked to take a seat. This is where patients are picked up for their cab driver affably, and continues to proudly list some of the illustrious personalities in appointments. “Ms. Cordes?” enquires a gentle voice. I follow an afwhose company I might be improving the state fable, young female doctor into a sun-drenched treatment room, and of my health at the Lanserhof. A former Gerexplain the reasons for my visit: chronic back pain, total exhaustion man secretary of state, “Putin and Abramovich and trouble sleeping – I just don’t feel myself anymore. First, I am exwere here, too….” amined thoroughly, after which the doctor issues my treatment plan. All of them have been visiting Lans for years. Oh To begin with, I will be given an ECG at rest to verify her diagnosis dear, I hope the whole thing does not end up being of burnout. Then blood samples are taken to test for any intolerancstressful, I think to myself. I long only for sleep – no es. I am prescribed four days of Mayr treatments and five days of the small talk, if at all possible. I would like to do lots of reading, and “cleansing diet” – after all, I am not here to lose weight, but to recharge do not want to have to care about what I look like while detoxing. my batteries. At noon on the dot, another small meal is served: spinThree years ago, I embarked on a course of F. X. Mayr therapy for ach soup – delicious! After the meal, I fall asleep on the sun terrace. the first time. The treatments are aimed at detoxifying the intesin the afternoon, the resident physician is amazed at my great tine, the largest organ in our bodies and the central part of our imECG results. They have never measured results as good as mine mune system. The golden rule is: chew, chew and chew again – up here! It almost feels like an affront – how can there be no disto 35 times per bite. Today, you can detox in style, in the most stuncernible cause for my state of exhaustion? At around seven that evening I am already fast asleep. ning places in Europe. Graydon Carter, the fantastic editor-inThe following morning after chief of Vanity Fair even makes breakfast, my doctor introducthe trip from New York, in ores me to a man who reminds der to shed a few pounds. Othme of a Native American shaers want to get away from it all: man, and who is supposed to after a difficult course of chemohelp restore my missing entherapy, or even as a preventaergy by esoteric means. I am tive measure to stave off burnlying down, while he whirls out. I myself discovered these around my body holding burntreatments because I was longing torches. “Completely emping for some tranquility and rety!” he declares, with an Ausjuvenation. When I arrived in trian accent. “Finally!” I think. Bad Oeynhausen at the time, I In my bathrobe, I shuffle along felt completely drained, but left to see the osteopath. I’m lying fighting fit and with my batterdown once more, while she ies recharged. I had a wondersoftly squeezes different arful time. Since then, the course eas on my head with her magThe “blue sofa” in the medical area at the heart of the of treatments is an annual fixical hands. Her assessment: Lans health center offers spectacular, panoramic views of the mountains. This is where patients wait for their treatments. ture in my schedule. This time, it is an old, deep-seated probhowever, I wanted to try somelem – we should schedule a where new. The Lans center is said to be the Rolls-Royce of health and few sessions. Even after the first of these, I already feel lighter and wellness clinics. Its success has grown to such an extent that it is exmore mobile. I report for my intravenous drip. Here, under soft panding, adding two additional locations: one near Lake Tegernsee lighting, six patients are already stretched out on deckchairs. In order to underpin the course of Mayr treatments, and in order to predue to open early next year, and a satellite branch in Hamburg, which has just opened. At the Hamburg location, patients can go for their vent headaches, I am regularly given a vitamin and mineral cockcourse of Mayr treatments on an outpatient basis. tail. Next to me, a Russian couple are talking, just a tad too loudly. I have arrived! At the top of the hill, I’m greeted by the sound of the They both have a tube in each arm, and are having their blood cells small fountain in front of the entrance. Through the huge glass wall, recharged with the aid of electric shocks. I can see the guests having dinner. I am shown to my room and given That evening, I make the acquaintance of a fellow patient. He is a a folder, which includes a book. Avoid television and other electronic former top athlete, but is now obese. When I tell him about my esdevices, if possible, the welcome letter advises. Exhausted, I collapse oteric treatment, he shakes his head: “It’s all nonsense! They sent onto the anti-allergenic pillows. Before I fall asleep, I remember thinkme to see this professor, and I just couldn’t take him seriously.” Proing briefly: there is a pleasant smell of wood throughout this place. fessor Heber is the insider’s tip among Lans-aficionados – and fully he alarm goes off at 6am. As if by reflex, I reach for the Glaubooked for months, I am told. “Not necessarily right for everyone,” ber’s salt, and fill the glass with hot water. I hold my nose and says my doctor, when I ask her about the professor the next morndrink. Then I head down to have breakfast. The sun rises over ing. “But you should definitely try him!” the mountains with spectacular hues of pink, while the guests slowAfter two sessions, I have become a die-hard Heber fan, but I unly congregate in the busy dining hall. A smiling, cheerful waitress derstand that you have to be open to his type of treatments. The folserves me warm spelt porridge and some tea. Then it is time for my lowing days pass quickly, and in a stable routine. After four days, I first medical appointment. The medical area of the Lans center is lofeel my energy coming back. I decide to forgo the customary “wakcated only a few steps below the guest rooms. It seems to be glued ing up in the forest” outings with the other patients. Instead, I sleep a bit longer in the mornings. I finish five books, go for solonto the underside of the hotel, like a white and light-blue spaceship. itary walks through the magnificent countryside, doze in the sun The patients almost seem to float toward their treatments. They are easy to spot in their bathrobes, and most of them are holding a glass and slowly recuperate. On the penultimate day, I even start looking of tea. Facing the large windows, through which you have a fantastic forward to… going back to my everyday life. MC
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All names and addresses on page 176.
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