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There’s never a dull moment at the Mari Jean. Downtown St. Petersburg’s super gay motel hosts a “bitchin’ brunch” every second Sunday of the month where Conundrum leads her snacks through a set that ends right before the venue’s Sunday Tea Dance. See more photos from the party via cltampa.com.—Ray Roa
Voted Best Safety Harbor restaurant
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 29
8:00 PM: ELECTRIC SHEEP: AI VS. IMPROV
AI may be here to take our jobs and replace us all, but there's still at least one thing it can't do better than humans: Improv comedy. Watch and laugh as our fearless human improvisers prove that, in the end, AI is actually pretty stupid.
9:30 PM: THE DARK SHOW in this monthly showcase, some of Tampa Bay's top standup comedians perform the material they can't do anywhere else.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30
7:30 PM: IMPROV STUDENT SHOWCASE Graduates of our improv classes show off their skills in their class showcase performance.
do this
Tampa Bay's best things to do from November 27 - December 03
Well, ya comin’?
Tom Hanks won’t be the conductor, but families can still have a magical night on the railroad. This 35-minute train ride goes from Parrish to The North Pole, where for about an hour and a half, kids can experience “snow” with a foam sprayer, get photos with Santa, see model trains galore, make s’mores and get tuckered out in the bounce house—which they’ll need to do to burn off the sugar from unlimited cookies and hot cocoa. And, of course, there’s tons of lights. Tickets start at $41.25 and vary by class, date and time. Many are already sold out, so reserve them online ASAP if you plan to go.
North Pole Express: Nov. 28-Dec. 22 (select dates and times). The Florida Railroad Museum, 12210 83rd St. E Parrish. frrm.org—Selene San Felice
Sand by me
After a tumultuous hurricane season canceled last year’s annual sand sculpture festival, Sanding Ovations is back. Thirteen artists have turned Treasure Island into a museum of sand sculptures, which will remain standing until January—or at least as long as the elements allow. At this encore weekend, guests can also enjoy live music and a small artisan market. Children also have a designated area, which includes sand sculpting lessons.
Sanding Ovations: SaturdaySunday, Nov. 29-30. 10 a.m.-6 p.m. No Cover. Treasure Island Beach, 11260 Gulf Blvd. in Treasure Island, FL. sandingovationsmasterscup.com—Alisha Durosier
Shop local, or else
If you want to support local businesses more than billionaires and big box stores, now’s your best chance to cross everything off your holiday shopping list. Shopapalooza is back for its 15th year to celebrate all things local. Held in Vinoy Park, the festival features more than 350 local businesses selling a wide range of handmade trinkets. The two-day affair includes tons of food, live music and activities—including “KiddoPalooza,” a community paint by number, a pet fashion show, and of course, cuddly skunks.
Shopapalooza: Nov. 29-30. 10 a.m.-5 p.m. No Cover. Vinoy Park, 701 Bayshore Dr. NE, St. Petersburg. localshops1.com—Alisha Durosier
your its 350 tons number, a St.
Oh, the Who-manity
It’s about as likely to snow in Tampa Bay as it is to see The Grinch on rollerskates. But somehow, both are happening at United Skates of Tampa this Black Friday. He’ll come down from Mount Crumpit to take part in a snowball fight on the rink. In lieu of WhoPudding and Roast Beast, there will be a special combo: $22 for a cheese pizza and a pitcher of soda. Sounds like a wonderful, awful idea.
Grinch’s Indoor Snowball Fight: Friday, Nov. 28. 2-6 p.m. and 6:309:30 p.m. $10 (includes rentals). 5121 N. Armenia Ave. Tampa. unitedskates.com —Selene San Felice
Not a (trolley) problem
After a long summer touring Europe, Folk/Americana duo Austin Miller & Amanda Esposito return to the TECO Streetcar concert series. Georgiabased Miller (formerly of Orlando) will bring his easy-listening tunes and tasteful harmonies—which can be heard on his latest album, last year’s ‘Doing it Wrong’—to the tracks between Ybor City and downtown Tampa. The band boards the trolley at Ybor City’s Centennial Park Station at 6 p.m., but we suggest getting there a bit early to secure your seat, since each streetcar can only hold about 50-60 people. Streetcar Live— presented by the same folks that organize Gasparilla Music Festival— takes place during Fourth Friday Tampa, a monthly arts and culture crawl that “provides an evening of special offerings, live music and programs by cultural destinations.”
Streetcar Live: Friday, Nov. 28. 6-8 p.m. No cover. Centennial Park Station, 1201 E 7th Ave., Ybor City. tecolinestreetcar.org.com—Selene San Felice
Live Irish Music
Thursday & Friday Nights
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Book your Holiday Parties
• WHISKEY TASTINGS BY APPOINTMENT
• FREE PARKING
• TROLLEY TO THE LIGHTNING GAMES (OR HANG AROUND FOR OUR WATCH PARTIES)
HAPPY HOUR AT
Monday - Friday, 4pm-7pm Saturday 3pm-6pm
God awful
Christian supremacist content creators mock, spit, and wave bacon at praying Muslim students.
By Valerie Smith
Avideo posted to Instagram by the University of South Florida’s Muslim Student Association (MSA) shows three men interrupting students during their morning prayer, spitting and yelling at them, and waving strips of bacon at them. USF said that their police department is currently gathering evidence and anticipates asking the state attorney to bring criminal charges.
Last Tuesday morning, Nov. 18, several MSA members gathered on top of a parking garage on USF’s Tampa campus for Fajr, Islam’s morning prayer. A livestream by Warriors for Christ— an organization recognized by the SPLC as a hate group—shows Muslim students kneeling in prayer as one of the men, identified in the video only as Ricardo, approaches with a painted cardboard box that reads “KAABA 2.0 JESUS IS LORD.” The Kaaba is a stone building at the center of the holiest site in Islam. While praying, Muslims face the geographical direction of the Kaaba.
The man sets up the box in front of the crowd while two other men, identifiable via their social medias (where they posted the video along with many other similar videos at other locations) as Richard Penkoski of Oklahoma and Christopher Svochak of Illinois, start to “insult” the Muslim prophet, Muhammad, in obscene and sexual ways. One of the men calls them all terrorists.
“Go back to Mecca,” he shouts.
At one point, Penkoski brings out a small Wawa container with bacon in it and waves it around while snacking from it.
ground within a few feet of the students, who are still praying on the ground.
“Take that towel off of your head,” he says, pointing to a woman in the back wearing a religious head covering. At this point, after several minutes of the men shouting at the largely-silent students, Ricardo lunges towards a student and points his finger in his face, prompting the student to briefly grab his wrist. Immediately, all three Christian men say this is evidence that Islam is a violent religion.
LOCAL NEWS
“We do care about you, so we brought you some bacon,” Penkoski says. “It’s really good. Bacon? Bacon? Anybody?”
Like all pork products, bacon is considered haram, meaning Islam’s rules forbid eating it.
All of the students remain kneeling and continue on with their prayer.
“I spit on the grave of Muhammad,” the man identified as Ricardo says before spitting on the
“This is not how you preach,” one of the students can be heard saying. “Brother, you’re harassing us,” he says to Penkoski.
“You’re not my brother,” Penkoski responds. “This isn’t harassment; this is free speech. But thank you for doing what you did to give us more ammo to prove you’re a bunch of violent psychopaths.”
“By the way, don’t ever spit on the ground. It’s actually illegal,” one of the Christians says to the man identified as Ricardo. “What? Spitting on the ground?” “Yes, it’s illegal.” “Well, uh, I didn’t know that.”
Penkoski later posted a screenshot from the MSA group chat, in which one member gives an update on legal proceedings with the state attorney’s office.
“It’s not a hate crime,” Penkoski writes in the caption. “For a ‘hate crime’ to exist, there has to be an actual crime first.”
Florida Statute 871.01, which makes disrupting religious assembly a crime, reads: “Whoever willfully and maliciously interrupts or disturbs any school or any assembly of people met for the worship of God, … commits a misdemeanor of the first degree.” In Florida, a first-degree continued on page 18
The video continues like this until the students leave and the Christian content creators do the same. “That was awesome. That was fun,” one of the men can be heard saying as they walk away.
SPEAKING OUT: Malak Albustami, president of the Muslim Student Association at USF in Tampa, Florida on Nov. 21.
CHRIS YOUNG/WMNF NEWS
misdemeanor is punishable by up to a $1,000 fine and one year in prison.
Florida Statute 775.085 contains rules for hate crime enhancement when there is evidenced prejudice against “race, color, ancestry, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, national origin, homeless status, or advanced age of the victim.” This bumps first-degree misdemeanors up to third-degree felonies. Third-degree felonies are punishable by up to $5,000 in fines and five years in prison.
Florida Statute 784.0493 deals with harassment based on religious or ethnic heritage. It makes it illegal (first-degree misdemeanor) to “willfully and maliciously harass or intimidate another person based on the person’s wearing or displaying of any indicia relating to any religious or ethnic heritage.”
The man identified as Ricardo repeatedly told two women with religious head coverings to “get that towel off your head,” and called one a “wicked woman” and a “Jezebel dog.”
As the men left the parking garage, Svochak spoke to the camera, saying Jesus helped him and Penkoski beat drug addiction.
“What did he save you from?” Penkoski asks Ricardo. “I used to be a heathen,” Ricardo replies.
Penkoski told Creative Loafing Tampa Bay via text message that he feels his speech is protected, and that he has a “right to preach” just as much as the students have a right to worship. His actions, he added, qualify as constitutionally protected speech because he did not physically touch the students or prevent them from leaving.
A document prepared by the Central Florida Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers provides the following guidance for cases related to Florida religious assembly disturbance law: “To commit an offense under § 871.01, Fla. Stat., a person must have deliberately acted to create a disturbance. That is, he must act with the intention that his behavior impedes the successful functioning of the assembly in which he has intervened, or with reckless disregard of the effect of his behavior. The acts complained of must be such that a reasonable person would expect them to be disruptive. Finally, the acts must, in fact, significantly disturb the assembly.”
charges. A spokesperson for the 13th Circuit State Attorney’s Office told CL that it does not have a criminal case against the individuals at this time.
A statement issued by USF says that campus police are still trying to identify the men in the video. USF also said that it has reached out to the affected students, and will issue trespass warnings to the men who interrupted the prayer. They anticipate referring the perpetrators to the state attorney for criminal charges.
In 2022, Penkoski was accused of targeting two leaders of Oklahoma for Equality, who later filed for a protective order against him. They were granted the protective order, but it was overturned on appeal by the Oklahoma Supreme Court in a 5-4 decision, since Penkoski was targeting organizations rather than individuals.
LOCAL NEWS
The USF Police Department told CL that they are currently involved in an active criminal investigation and cannot comment on the case beyond the statement they released.
Penkoski has also been the plaintiff in several legal battles, including an attempt to overturn federal marriage equality for gay couples, a suit against the mayor of Washington D.C. for allowing a “Black Lives Matter” mural, and a lawsuit against a school district that sent his daughter home for wearing a shirt that said “homosexuality is a sin.”
Mohammad Mubarak, an attorney who met with several of the students after the incident, told CL: “As a former prosecutor, I believe this was an assault. … It could have turned violent, and I’m very thankful that it didn’t.”
He said that he believes federal intervention is appropriate, as Penkoski and Svochak both travel across multiple states, engaging in the same behavior. “We need to address this to protect students and Muslims across the country,” Mubarak said.
Mubarak is not currently a legal representative of any involved parties.
Svochak gave this reporter a statement about his religious beliefs over Instagram DM, but would not answer specific questions. Svochak, who is affiliated with the recognized hate group Warriors for Christ, said that he is trying to spread Jesus’ message of love.
Penkoski told CL that he doesn’t suspect the state attorney will file charges, partially because it would bring press attention from across the country
State attorneys usually do not bring charges until police have made an arrest or sent investigative information to the state attorney for criminal
This wouldn’t be the first time Penkoski found himself in court over a stunt. The Christian content creator takes videos of himself and others “street preaching,” often insulting and demeaning nearby targets. Penkoski uploads the videos to his social media accounts and makes other targeted posts and includes a donation link through a Venmo account under his wife’s name.
CAIR Florida has called for a hate crime probe for this and another similar incident that took place in Florida.
Elected officials and members of the community have responded, too.
“What I saw was immoral,” Tampa City Councilman Luis Viera said on social media. “These young people were mocked with cruelty by truly reprehensible people.”
Last Friday, students who were on site during the incident spoke out.
Abu Tahir was leading the morning prayer when the incident happened. He became emotional as he described watching the video of the incident the next day.
“I had to relive—I had to relive the whole thing again. Hearing every voice, every insult, every atrocious claim that they made against our religion. For what? Something that our constitution promises us we have the complete right to do,” Tahir said.
Malak Albustami is the president of USF’s Muslim Student Association and was present during the incident.
“We gathered for something sacred and peaceful, and instead, we were met with hate meant to intimidate us and tell us we do not belong. Well, let me be clear. We do belong here, and we will not let fear define us,” Albustami said.
Joe Maurer is the Chief Deputy at the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office.
“It is your First Amendment right to speak to anybody. But if you are creating a hostile environment where people feel unsafe, then that is not your First Amendment right,” Maurer said.
Reporting from Chris Young of WMNF News closes this story. WMNF News is part of the Tampa Bay Journalism Project (TBJP), a nascent Creative Loafing Tampa Bay effort supported by grants and a coalition of donors who make specific contributions via the Alternative Newsweekly Foundation. If you are a non-paywalled Bay area publication interested in TBJP, please email rroa@ctampa.com. Support WMNF News by visiting the community radio station’s station’s support page.
WWJD: (L-R) Richard Penkoski, Christopher Svochak, and Ricard.
“One could easily get lost here.”
Give thanks
A prayer as hurricane season ends along the Hillsborough’s triple oxbow.
By Thomas Hallock
With the last day of hurricane season approaching, Nov. 30, I pull my kayak into an abandoned skiff. The back (the entire stern really) has washed away. I am sitting in a boat in a boat, at Riverhills Park, at a fork between river and canal. Half on water, half on land. The hull serves as a makeshift planter, and a showy yellow primrose of some kind has taken root in the cracked fiberglass.
At this point of its 57-mile career, the Hillsborough wavers in its direction. The river has jagged southwest through its wilder stretches, the standard paddling routes upstream, and goes suburban through Temple Terrace.
control. I paddle past ghost docks and crumbling seawalls; through cypress stands that are like secret chapels in the middle of the river, shelter to long-legged waders and shitting anhingas.
Once lodged in the hull of the derelict, halfsubmerged skiff, I fish out a composition tablet and fountain pen. I feel thankful, writerly-pretentious, and after last year’s storms, still wary.
CREEKSHED
(“Terrace,” Merriam-Webster reminds me, is “a row of houses or apartments on raised ground or a sloping site”). The channel now unspools into a dizzying triple oxbow, scribbling out a supine letter “E,” before dropping due south downtown.
One could easily get lost here. I have launched my kayak at Riverhills Park and turned right, thinking I was going downstream, paddling towards the 56th Street bridge and by a fraying American flag (planted in the muck by some patriotic boater?) only to find myself going up—back towards the river’s blackwater origins in the Green Swamp.
I came here to write. In search of object lessons. For reminders that, however much we try to shape the flow, nature inevitably assumes
The story of Florida has always been—will always be—the magical flux between water and land. A squirrel in front of me leans for acorns from an oak branch arcing over the shoreline. Cypress trunks mark high water from the last big storm. A grave vine trails into the quicksilver black current.
From behind, I hear rush hour traffic on Harney Road. I check the map on my phone. Interstates 4 and 75, both blocked predictably red.
This is pure Tampa.
Twenty-five years ago, USF’s Florida Studies Program hired me to develop a course called “Rivers of Florida.” The Hillsborough, we agreed at the time, told a classic Florida story. Unspoiled at its headwaters; downstream, abandoned industrial sites and failed urban renewal.
Over the years, I’ve led more than my share of class trips along this river. But its sheer beauty—the egrets and herons, gators knobbing just below the surface—also led to impossibly dull student writing.
So I stopped taking students here. I could not bear reading yet one more heartfelt paeon to the “real” Florida, one more Nature Sermon, one more parable of the Urban-versus-Wild, the Paradise ruined by invasives like you and me.
The stories felt rote. With ChatGPT, I can churn out the nature essay in seconds: Once, Florida was a mosaic of wild splendor— endless sawgrass prairies rippling under the sun, mangroves tangled in tidal whispers, and crystal springs bubbling like liquid glass from the earth. But the rhythm of nature is faltering. Highways slice through wetlands where herons once nested, and new subdivisions rise on land that once drank the summer rains ….
All the clichés are in place. Florida, once “a mosaic of wild splendor.” The streams that bubble up “like liquid glass.” Then the “But.” The highways “slicing through wetlands,” the subdivisions where “once drank the summer rains.”
The algorithm spits out these images because the story has been told so many times before. And because of this cliché, the “pristine wilderness,” we stop looking for nature in our everyday lives.
Which brings me back to the half-sunken hull, banked near the Harney Canal. This fork of the river has history. After Hurricane Donna drowned the state in 1960, the Florida legislature created water management districts—including the Southwest Florida Water Management District, our beloved “Swiftmud.” Through happy coincidence, at the time, land was cheap and the new scholarly field of Ecology shaped policy. When the state passed the Water Resources Act in 1972, rather than creating more dikes and levees, as in south Florida, the government sank its resources into buying land.
This is good, of course, a reminder that politicians (across partisan stripes) can balance economy and environment. Because of their foresight, the Hillsborough continues to bless us, practically every visit, with almost every long-legged wader in the Audubon field guide.
What’s not to love?
Well. For me, this split between “urban” and “nature.” Is there another river in the United States where wildness nests so closely to a city center? What do we make of this proximity?
Pay attention to boundaries, I tell the students, mind the edges. How and where do natural and built environs converge? What can I learn from my boat in a boat?
It’s getting dark. The sun has dropped below the tree line. I paddle back, past the cypress islands to Riverhills Park, where I launched. I tether my kayak to the roof of my Subaru and drive back to my Channelside apartment: down 56th, right on Hillsborough, I-275 into Tampa. From the rail-straight Interstate, the Hillsborough disappears from view.
This disappearance should unsettle us. We must mind the exchange, the points where water meets land, where river meets canal, and most of all, where the winding channel has been forgotten. We neglect the edges at our peril. Not this season, maybe next, a rising tide will surge past the seawalls. And our lives, like the kayak on my car, will be turned upside down.
Thomas Hallock is an English Professor at the University of South Florida, where he teaches mostly on the St. Petersburg campus. He is currently co-editing a two-volume anthology of Florida literature.
TAKE A PICTURE, TRICK: I’m in a boat in a boat.
THOMAS HALLOCK
Moving on up
Tampa City Council takes another step towards increasing multi-modal impact fees.
By Michael Bishop/Tampa Monitor
Last Thursday, two years and 18 days after council approved a motion from Council member Hurtak asking staff to present the next steps in updating the multi-modal impact fee, council took the last step before the final public hearings to increase the fees for the first time since they were adopted in 1989.
Currently for a 2,000 square-foot home that fee is $955. The new fee, when fully implemented will be $5,284. To appease the developer community, council has agreed to delay the implementation of the new fee an additional 90 days beyond what state statute requires.
If adopted on Dec. 18 at the second reading, the fees will phase in over four years starting June 1, 2026 at 25% of the new fee. In FY24 citywide $3,732,394 in impact fees were collected. Adjusted for today’s dollar it should have been over $9 million.
The administration presented proposed modifications to the city code of ordinances that put further restrictions on the use of bikes and e-bikes on multi-use paths in the city with a focus on Bayshore Boulevard and The Riverwalk.
When Tampa Monitor reviewed the changes, nothing jumped out as they were strictly focused on the multi-use paths (pedestrian safety) and used the same language as state statutes in regards to bikes riding no more than two aside.
However, some media reports between the time of review and council’s meeting stated council would be addressing “gangs of bikes” on the streets of Tampa which led to discussions about “Biking While Black.”
City legal made clear the ordinance changes only applied to multi-use paths in city parks. At issue is that without an ordinance change, the police along with parks and recreation can’t address the avalanche of complaints from residents. And even as representatives from TPD bike patrol noted, the issues they are trying to address aren’t groups of kids, council insisted on reducing the fine to $25 for the first offense and increasing there after. They would prefer no fine and to magically pass a law that has no real enforcement, just sternly worded warnings. And while the first reading passed unanimously, there was enough hesitation on the part of most of council it is possible the end result on Dec. 4 is different.
U.S. Rep. Kathy Castor says people ‘are going to be angry’ about Trump’s plan to drill for oil off Florida coastline
The Trump administration has announced plans for oil drilling off the coasts of Florida and California.
Democratic Congress member Kathy Castor joined various Democratic leaders to
speak against offshore drilling near Florida and California
“People are going to be angry. They’re going to be mad. They will feel betrayed. This is not needed, and it’s not wanted. And we are going to fight it all the way,” Castor said.
In a letter, Republican Congress member Jimmy Patronis raised concerns over the area of the potential offshore drilling, calling it “incompatible with military operations and
Tampa-area Democratic Representative Kathy Castor joined four other representatives to reintroduce a set of bills they say close loopholes for big oil.
She said they allow fossil fuel companies to skirt key environmental and public health protections.
Castor joined Congress members Diana DeGette, Jared Huggman, Jan Schakowsky, and Yvette Clark to refile the set of five bills.
reliance on fracked gas lead to higher electric costs for Floridians.
“There’s a cost ultimately not just on the air we breathe and the water we drink and our public health, but also right down to those electric bills that people are suffering through right now,” Rep. Castor said.—Chris Young/WMNF News
Tampa Monitor and WMNF News are both part of the Tampa Bay Journalism Project (TBJP), a nascent Creative Loafing Tampa Bay
TIME TRAVEL: Tampa hasn’t increased multi-modal impact fees since they were adopted in 1989.
recreational uses.”
J.P Brooker, Ocean Conservancy’s Director of Florida Conservation quickly condemned the plan calling it a “terrible step backwards.”
“Again and again we’ve said we don’t want drilling off the coast of Florida and now is no different,” Brooker said.
In a statement, the American Petroleum Institute called the program ‘A Historic Step’ for American energy leadership.
One of the bills, called the CLEANER Act, closes a loophole that allows gas companies to frack gas without being required to dispose of the contaminated water byproduct.
“That’s a fast pass to problems with public health, with contaminated drinking water, with environmental damage,” Rep. Castor said.
The SHARED Act would require testing for water contamination near fracking sites.
Castor says loopholes and the nation’s
effort supported by grants and a coalition of donors who make specific contributions via the Alternative Newsweekly Foundation.
Support WMNF News by visiting the community radio station’s station’s support page. Support The Tampa Monitor by making a donation or buying Michael Bishop a coffee.
If you are a non-paywalled Bay area publication interested in TBJP, please email rroa@ ctampa.com.
Dragged
Florida AG ‘Mister Urethra’ fails to stop drag Christmas show.
By Selene San Felice
Gov. Ron DeSantis’ administration this month continued its holiday tradition of targeting Christmas drag shows.
In a letter to Pensacola City Council, Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier called “A Drag Queen Christmas,” the touring show of “RuPaul’s Drag Race” stars, “openly anti-Christian,” expressing his concern it would result in religious discrimination.
The show, he said, “openly mocks one of the most sacred holidays in the Christian faith.”
No word on if he’s coming after Orlando resident The Grinch, who’s never been criticized in his 68 years and three remakes for mocking Christmas.
and it’s not hurting anybody,” Trinity said. “If you’re worried about children, worry about gun control and feeding them instead of worrying about drag queens.”
After bombing the reading challenge, Uthmeier’s bid for hysteria also fell flat on the mainstage of Pensacola City Council.
In a Nov. 10 agenda discussion, no council member moved to attempt to stop the show. The city attorney previously presented an assessment that any attempt to cancel it would be a violation of the First Amendment.
LOCAL NEWS
Uthmeier also claimed the queens are attempting to “expose themselves to the kids innocently enjoying Christmas festivities” at a nearby winter festival, despite the event being a ticketed 18-and-up show. He’s still trying to reignite the blocked 2023 law restricting drag shows.
It’s not the first time the DeSantis administration has come after this drag show specifically. In 2022, the administration targeted liquor licenses at the Hyatt Regency Miami and Orlando’s Plaza Live for hosting a “Drag Queen Christmas.”
That same year, Proud Boys and evangelists protested outside its Clearwater appearance at Ruth Eckerd Hall.
This year, Uthmeier attacked specific queens.
In his letter, the Attorney General specifically denounced Suzie Toot, calling her “demonic Betty Bop” (a misspelled reference to her Vogue photoshoot), “the Demon Queen of Seattle” AKA Bosco and Crystal Methyd’s “glamorous and beautiful” satanic imagery.
Trinity “The Tuck” also got a shoutout for her role in previous versions of the show. And since Uthmeier opened the library, Trinity read him back.
In a video addressing “James Urethra,” Trinity clarified that the show is not anti-Christian.
“A Drag Queen Christmas is mostly about stupid Christmas numbers, not necessarily about the birth of Jesus. Regardless of that, drag is an art form that is free speech, and we are allowed to do that by law.”
Trinity encouraged Floridians to sell out every “A Drag Queen Christmas” show in the state as an act of resistance.
“Show them the support so we can show this administration…drag is fun, drag is art,
The council agreed that Uthmeier’s letter was a personal opinion with no legal framework.
“We did not ask for a legal opinion from this person, and as far as I’m concerned, this is his personal opinion written on government letterhead, wasting taxpayer dollars to do something that’s his own personal opinion,” Council member Charles Bare said.
“It is disingenuous to the people of our city to take this seriously and to do anything about it.”
Sorry, my dear, but you are up for elimination.
A Drag Queen Christmas comes to the Duke Energy Center for the Arts at Mahaffey Theater on Dec. 22, the day before it’s slated for Pensacola. Tickets start at $49.
A Drag Queen Christmas Duke Energy Center for the Arts at Mahaffey Theater, 400 1st St. SE, St. Petersburg. Dec. 22. 7:30 p.m. $49 & up. $18+.
UNHOLY TRINITY: Drag queen Trinity
Tuck” Taylor dubbed Florida’s AG
Urethra”
WHERE TAMPA COMES TO
The promise
Gubernatorial candidates commit to appointing scientists or conservationists to wildlife commission.
By Noah Bookstein
Democratic gubernatorial candidates say Florida’s conservation agency has strayed from its mission under developer pressure. A few even want to realign the organization with its core mission.
Florida Wildlife and Conservation Commission (FWC) exists to manage, protect, and conserve the state’s fish and wildlife. Commissioners are appointed to their posts by the governor. The agency has been under intense scrutiny following recent appointments by Gov. Ron DeSantis, whose confirmations further entrench development interests at the top level of the commission. Five out of seven current commissioners have ties to the development industry.
data who could change the direction of FWC. “We need to lead with commissioners who understand the mission is conservation. The mission is not how to entertain the sportsman community,” he added.
Rather than having hunters leading the FWC, Jolly proposes they take a role in wildlife management while the overall direction should be set by scientists and conservationists.
ENVIRONMENT
“I think we’ve got this upside down. Let’s lead with the scientific and conservation community and have those leaders then bring in the voices of the sportsman community to contribute to final decisions,” Jolly said.
“We should have their voices at the table, but I think it is wrong to have the game community leading the commission and having the scientific community having to provide public testimony to try to influence the commission in the direction it should, naturally and organically, already be,” Jolly said.
Katrina Shadix, Executive Director of Bear Warriors United, would welcome such a change to the agency.
“If we had a governor who appointed a wildlife ecologist or wildlife biologist to the commission, I would feel elated, because this is long overdue,” she said.
“The trend over the last decade has been an FWC leadership that has put conservation on the back burner and, and honestly, has ignored science and too many of its decisions,” David Jolly told Creative Loafing Tampa Bay. Jolly, a former Republican congressman in the federal house for Florida’s district 13, switched parties in 2016 and is now running for governor as a Democrat.
Under the leadership of developers, FWC made a series of controversial decisions, including approving a cruel and inhumane bear hunt. Critics are calling for the governor to appointment a scientist to the commission who can guide it with a stronger background in conservation.
“Critics are exactly right, the FWC does not need to be led by developers, landowners, and trophy hunters. It needs to be led by conservationists with a grounding in science who understand wildlife management,” Jolly said.
As DeSantis approaches the end of his term in 2026, candidates including Jolly and Orange County Mayor Jerry Demings are seeking the Democratic party nomination, while Republicans Byron Donalds, Paul Renner, and others are lining up to replace him as Florida’s next governor.
Whoever replaces DeSantis can help shape the direction of FWC and potentially tip the scales of the commission back towards conservation.
Donalds and Renner did not respond to requests for comment.
Demings told WMNF News program The Skinny that he would “absolutely” appoint a scientist or ecologist to the FWC Commission.
“I think we get the best governance when we have a diverse representation on the various governmental bodies,” he added.
Jolly told CL that his appointments would also prioritize people with backgrounds in science and
The 53-year-old, who was also a pundit on MSNBC and CNN, points to the recent bear hunt decision as an example, adding, “you have the leadership of landowners and trophy hunters, and you have the scientific community begging for their voices to be heard.”
Hunters have too much sway on the commission, he added.
The developer-stacked body has censored public comments at in-person meetings and on social media. Shadix told CL that constituents who voice frustrations including concerns about the bear hunt are often met with indifference or arrogance from commissioners.
Rodney Barreto called Shadix a broken record during one meeting, a label Shadix wears a badge of honor.
“We’ve completely turned the model of the FWC upside down under Governor DeSantis’ leadership.”
Shadix, who described herself as Republican, said this issue is so important to her and other Republicans she knows that they are willing to cross party lines if it means reforming FWC and saving Florida’s dwindling bear population.
“I am willing to go door to door and knock and campaign for any candidate, Republican, NPA or Democrat, that will commit to putting an ecologist and wildlife biologist on the FWC,” Shadix said.
She knows a thing or two about trying to get through to commissioners.
“When he called me a broken record, you know what that means. He’s listening to me,” she said.
“He knows the problems that the FWC are ignoring.”
Shadix said the FWC is a “corrupt, captured agency that needs to be cleaned up,” adding that Barreto acts like a bully on the dais.
With all FWC commissioners due to term out before 2030, the next governor will have the opportunity to completely remake the commission. Jolly said he’ll make sure the next commissioner is qualified for the job.
“What I know is that an FWC, devoid of scientists, devoid of conservationists, is going to fail in its mission,” Jolly added. “And we’re seeing that in real time right now.”
DAVE DECKER
JOLLY OLD FELLOW: David Jolly at the Cuban Club in Ybor City on Aug. 20.
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Bird brains
Sarasota bird sanctuary saved from nearby development.
Craig Pitman/Florida Phoenix
Since the 1880s we’ve referred to dopey people as birdbrains. I contend it’s a misnomer.
Birds are actually pretty smart – think about how far they migrate without any access to maps or GPS! I think the people who like birds are pretty smart too.
Exhibit A of my argument would be what the Sarasota Audubon Society has accomplished in defending a bird sanctuary called the Celery Fields. A piece of property next door was targeted for development by the nation’s largest homebuilder, D.R. Horton, but the Audubon folks didn’t chicken out. They took them on and won.
“Sarasota County again rejects D.R. Horton development near Celery Fields,” the Sarasota Herald-Tribune reported last week.
The decision wasn’t even close, either – a 5-0 vote by the commissioners to tell the big homebuilder to go home.
I was so intrigued by what happened that I contacted the Sarasota Audubon folks. I wound up talking to their president and their attorney.
“I saw this as the wrong development on the wrong piece of land in the wrong place,” the attorney, Susan Schoettle, told me.
The president, Sara Reisinger, explained their success even more concisely.
“This property floods,” she told me. “After (Hurricane) Debby, it was under 3 feet of water.”
LOCAL NEWS
winter quarters of the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. The Oscar-winning 1952 circus movie “The Greatest Show on Earth,” starring Charlton Heston and Jimmy Stewart, was filmed there.
Sarasota has come a long way since those days. It’s now known for its culture and sophistication, with opera, ballet and multiple theater companies. In Sarasota, the circus is now confined to the Ringling Museum and the occasional political shenanigan.
Sarasota has plenty of environmental attractions, too, from acclaimed Siesta Beach to majestic Myakka River State Park.
And that includes the Celery Fields.
Swamp to celery to swamp again Sarasota’s most influential early resident was Bertha Palmer, wife of millionaire Potter Palmer and the woman many called “the Queen of Chicago.”
“We reminded them why this was a bad idea and they should reject it. They did.”
Still, getting a Florida government agency to reject a major homebuilder is what the ornithologists would call “a rara avis.”
Suckered in Sarasota
Many Florida towns have oddball origin stories. The Panhandle hamlet of Two Egg got its name from a local store where the poor residents bartered for goods. Central Florida’s Nalcrest was built by retired postal workers from the National Association of Letter Carriers. Sweetwater in South Florida was populated by a troupe of Russian circus midgets. Sarasota was settled by a bunch of Scotsmen who got suckered into buying lots in a town that hadn’t been built yet.
“When the steamer ship that brought them to Florida arrived at its destination in 1885, “the colonists gathered to see their new home but could not find it,” the Sarasota History Alive website reports. “There was not a sign of a town anywhere up or down the coast. It was then that the colonists found out that the Town of Sarasota just existed on a map.”
By the mid-1900s, Sarasota really WAS on the map. It became nationally known as the
When she bought more than 100,000 acres of land in Florida in the early 1900s, she had lots of ideas about turning swamps into farms— including one parcel for growing celery. In 1995, though, Sarasota County bought the Celery Fields with an eye toward a different use for the land: turning it back into a swamp. The county acquired the 400acre parcel “primarily for stormwater management purposes to intercept and store upstream runoff from the largely undeveloped watersheds north and east during extremely heavy rain events, thereby to prevent downstream flooding,” former Sarasota County administrator John Wesley White told me.
Then someone hatched the notion that the Celery Fields could also be for the birds both local and migratory.
“The idea of the Celery Fields becoming a bird rookery and nature park only occurred after we started excavating the site to create more storage capacity,” White added. “It has become a popular draw for those purposes.”
County officials worked with Audubon to restore about 100 acres to resemble the wetlands that existed before Mrs. Palmer came along. The property is edged by oaks, willows, and pines, and the county built a pair of boardwalks to accommodate visitors. Audubon has counted more than 240 kinds of birds that use the site, originally intended just for stormwater.
“It’s an incredible example of a dual-purpose facility,” Reisinger told me.
Sarasota Audubon folks love the Celery
Fields so much they built their $1 million nature center there. You could say they’ve nested there. The nature center is open from October to May to accommodate Sarasota’s snowbirds.
The staff and volunteers hold regularly scheduled hikes. It’s become a major eco-tourist destination, attracting 130,000 visitors a year from all over the world.
But then D.R. Horton swooped in, ready to ruin things by building a bunch of houses next door.
Strike one
Builders are having a tough time these days. They’re reeling from a presidential one-two punch: his tariffs on steel, copper and lumber has driven up the costs of building materials, and his crackdown on immigration has chased away lots of their employees.
Nevertheless, D.R. Horton marched into a Sarasota County planning and zoning meeting a year ago with big plans, seeking to rezone a 50-acre ranch.
They wanted to change it from “open use rural,” which allows one unit per 10 acres, to “residential single family,” which allows 3.5 units per acre. That way they could build 170 houses. More than 100 people flocked to the meeting, a crowd that the Herald-Tribune described as “mostly middle-aged and older residents, fed up with what they see as rampant overdevelopment.”
The developers’ land-use attorney, Charles “Charlie” Bailey III, crowed that the Horton project would create more wildlife habitat than what was on the existing ranchland. Feel free to roll your eyes about that claim. I sure did. He also pointed out that the developers had continued on page 36
LIMPKIN BISCUIT: Limpkin at Celery Fields in Sarasota, Florida.
met with Sarasota Audubon officials to discuss their objections to the project. Reisinger confirmed that such a meeting happened. But she also said that Audubon’s objections didn’t suddenly fly away because of the meeting.
“We were very adamant right from the beginning that this was not a suitable site for development,” Reisinger told me.
While the county’s land-use plan would allow this kind of project to be built, Schoettle told me, it fails to meet a major condition included in county rules.
“The development has to be compatible with the adjacent land uses,” Schoettle explained. “D.R. Horton knew when they entered into a contract to buy the land that it was next to the Celery Fields bird sanctuary.”
In the end, the planning and zoning committee agreed. They voted 4-3 to tell commissioners to keep the zoning the way it was, no matter what D.R. Horton wanted.
In February, the developers tried again.
Strike two
This time, they attempted to egg the county commissioners on to reject the committee’s recommendation. Bailey characterized their prior defeat as the developer having “received some meaningful feedback,” which I think belongs
in the Putting a Positive Spin on Bad News Hall of Fame.
Now D.R. Horton wanted to build 126 units.
The project was the same turkey, just smaller.
“We hope that you’ll see the great effort that D.R. Horton went into to ensure that this property is done the right way,” Bailey said.
Five hours of comments followed, with 61 speakers ranging from a 9-year-old girl to a 90-year-old retiree. I watched the video. Not a single person piped up in favor of D.R. Horton’s Plans.
People talked about everything from the impacts on the Celery Fields’ nesting and migratory habitat, to the economic impact of losing such an important eco-tourism site, to D.R. Horton’s horrible national reputation for building bad homes.
Plenty of bird fans squawked about the dire consequences of approving the rezoning. But the lineup of opponents recruited by Sarasota Audubon also included a stormwater expert, a landscape architect and even an urban planner, all of whom talked in detail about how inappropriate this development would be on that site.
One of the speakers, retired New College environmental science instructor Jono Miller, pointed out that the property was listed as floodprone by both the state and federal government.
He questioned where the water from
Hurricane Debby would have gone if Horton had already built its 126 houses there.
The county commissioners, after a brief discussion, voted Horton’s rezoning request down 5-0.
Their two defeats led D.R. Horton to take an unorthodox step.
Strike three
This time, the company was the one that squawked. It filed a complaint through the Florida Land Use and Environmental Dispute Resolution Act. It’s designed to provide a speedier resolution than just suing.
The act allows property owners to seek arbitration if they feel a local development decision “unreasonable or unfairly burdens” them. That arbitration effort brought them back before the commission last week with a brand-new proposal.
“This would be our only opportunity to talk to the board about their decision, so we showed up with 10 people who spoke for three minutes each,’ Schoettle told me. “We reminded them why this was a bad idea and they should reject it. They did.”
The commissioners’ 5-0 vote marked a third strike for the mighty Horton, which went down swinging just like “Casey at the Bat.”
The reason was simple, one commissioner said: “I mean, this is a flood plain.”
Next step
Reisinger told me Audubon’s triple victories were “shocking.” She’s right.
But they’re also instructive for anyone going through something similar. If you’re trying to preserve your slice of Florida paradise from the runaway growth that’s wrecking a lot of special places around the state, then you need to imitate the Sarasota folks like you’re a mockingbird.
The lessons are: Be organized, know how land-use law works, keep your emotions in check as you focus on your goal, present photos showing the downside of the development and use subject-matter experts to testify.
Property rights are fine, but “there is no right to a rezoning,” Schoettle reminded me.
I asked Miller why the Sarasota commissioners – each one a self-described fan of property rights — were uniformly opposed to D.R. Horton’s rezoning.
“Our latest county commission is generally more willing to say no than the previous version,” he told me (so remember that come election time). He also said it’s a sign of the “general awareness that citizens have had it with growth.”
He also credited “better than average organizing” by the Audubon opponents, using “dramatic images” of the site being flooded last year.
Although the Sarasota Audubon folks have won three times, they’re under no illusion that they have triumphed permanently. Like a mama bird preparing to fight off a persistent predator, they’re ready for rounds four, five and six.
LOCAL NEWS
Now, Bailey told the commissioners, D.R. Horton wanted permission to build a mere 85 homes on that soggy property.
Bailey promised there would be no streetlights to spook the birds. And he said his clients would install flood protection measures that would be more stringent than what the county usually required.
The bird fans came loaded for bear.
But they have come up with a possible solution, one that would allow the current owner of the property to get a profit from selling it.
Just not to D.R. Horton.
“We’d like to see the county purchase it,” Schoettle told me. “It would be a useful addition to the Celery Fields.”
Wouldn’t that be a wonderful conclusion to this birdbrained story? I hope it happens. For the Audubon folks, that would be a real feather in their caps.
Florida Phoenix is part of States Newsroom, a nonprofit news network supported by grants and a coalition of donors as a 501c(3) public charity. Florida Phoenix maintains editorial independence. Contact Editor Michael Moline for questions: info@floridaphoenix.com.
WHITE IBIS-ON: White Ibis at the Celery Fields, Sarasota
Hole in one
Pete’s
Bagels takes Tarpon Springs, and more Tampa Bay food news.
By Alisha Durosier
St. Petersburg-born breakfast spot, Pete’s Bagels, is continuing towards world domination. After opening its drive-thru location last summer and it’s new cafe concept, Seymour’s, last spring, the eatery plans to open its fifth location in Tarpon Springs next year in the city’s historic Dolphin Gift Shop. Continuing its partnership with brand Look Alive Coffee, the bagel spot’s new location will also serve the St. Petersburg-based roaster’s beans. Pete’s Bagels has been baking and boiling bagels in-house for Tampa Bay since 2019, opening originally as Pete’s General before rebranding in 2021. The latest expansion for Pete’s is a result of an investment raise on a business bond platform known as SMBX, where people can invest in small businesses. The new location is expected to open sometime next year, according to its announcement on social media.
Monte Pizza opens in St. Pete
Central St. Pete has another option for ‘za.
OPENINGS & CLOSINGS
Giacomo Monte, whose last venture was Monte Gelato in Orlando, opened Monte Pizza at 5859 54th Ave. N last month. The shop specializes in wood-fired pies from Margherita to Mortadella al Pistacchio, as well as a Nutella dessert pizza. Monte told Business Debut he plans to introduce Italian wine and beer once the shop gets settled. Monte seats 16 inside and six outside, operating in a casual, selfservice style. Monte Pizza is open 11:30 a.m.-9 p.m. Tuesday-Saturday and 4:30 p.m.-9 p.m. Sunday.—Selene San Felice
Armature Works gets juicy
Tampa Juicy’s Famous Fair Food opened earlier this month at Armature Works’ Heights Public Market, bringing fair fare
to the riverfront. The original Brandon restaurant is known for everything fried, from oreos, snickers and funnel cakes to mozzarella sticks, massive turkey legs and jumbo corn dogs. For something a tad fresher, there’s the teriyaki chicken bowl served in half a pineapple. Juicy’s Famous Fair Food is open 11 a.m.-10 p.m. Monday-Thursday, 11 a.m.-12 a.m. Friday and Saturday, and 11 a.m.- p.m. Sunday at Armature Works (1910 N Ola Ave., Tampa).—SSF
Café Bavaro brings brunch to Clearwater
Tampa Bay Italian mainstay Bavaros is adding brunch to its resume. The company that started in 2009 as Florida’s first Neopolitan pizzeria (so it claims), now has six locations and a farmer’s market popup. Its latest venture is Café Bavaro, a grab-and-go café next to its location at 468 Mandalay Ave., Clearwater. The menu includes cannoli lattes, lemon ricotta pancakes with mascarpone whipped cream and amaretto maple syrup, and breakfast sandwiches like the Tomozza with prosciutto and heirloom tomato. The shop is open exclusively on weekends from 8 a.m.-noon. For updates and more info, visit cafebavaro.com.—SSF
Papi’s coming to Ybor
Complementing Ybor’s Latin charm, Papi’s, an American restaurant with smashburgers, Latin-inspired cuisine and cocktails, is filling the two-story space at 1708-1710 E. Seventh Ave.—formerly the home of White Lie, which closed in 2023. The new business intends to be a jack of all trades, operating as a restaurant by day and a lounge until its 3 a.m. close. Papi’s will be owner Robert George’s second eatery. He also owns a Ybor location of the frozen drink franchise Fat Tuesday. He expects Papi’s to open before the new year, per the Tampa Bay Business Journal.—AD
New year, more steak
Steakhouse and fine-dining restaurant Tommy’s Chophouse is preparing to open at the top of the new year, bringing new ways to beef in Ybor City. On top of the more popular cuts of steak, Tommy’s menu will include shoulderfilet and hanger-filet cuts, seafood and of course, Wagyu—even offering it as breaded steak. The new restaurant will occupy the first floor of the Kress Contemporary building and is the third Tampa business under Kenneth Emery’s restaurant group.—AD
GET HIM TO THE GREEK: Pete’s Bagels is coming to Tarpon Springs’ historic Dolphin Gift Shop. KRISTI
MOVIES THEATER ART CULTURE
Kevin!
A conversation about ‘A Nostalgic Night’ with Macaulay Culkin.
By Selene San Felice
Ten-year-old Macaulay Culkin’s post-aftershave scream is one of the most iconic moments in American cinema. Thirty-five years after “Home Alone,” he rocks a closely cropped beard with some gray in it. Audiences can see both versions of him when “A Nostalgic Night with Macaulay Culkin” stops in Tampa next Thursday. Before embarking on the cross-country tour, Culkin spoke with Creative Loafing Tampa Bay over the phone about what the film means to him as a star and a dad to Dakota and Carson, who are four and two years old, respectively.
What do you have going on today?
looking forward to getting it back on its feet again after getting a year off.
So, are you watching it every time?
I don’t watch it every time. There’s only so many times I can watch it. I get a big eyeful at home, because my boys like watching the movie.
Do you watch it every year with them?
Oh, yes, yes, of course, yeah. I don’t hide it from them, but they also have no idea that I’m the kid in the movie. They’re still of that age, so they don’t recognize me yet. I’m waiting.
INTERVIEW
A Nostalgic Night with Macaulay Culkin
Thursday, Dec. 4. 7:30 p.m. Morsani Hall at David A. Straz Center for the Performing Arts, 1010 N Macinnes Pl, Tampa. $54 & up. homealonetour.com
It’s a rainy day over here in Southern California, and yes, the boys, my sons, they just got back from school, so it takes a second to find a quiet spot in the house, but that’s what I’ve been doing.
Tell me about the show. You started it last year, if I’m correct, for the 35th anniversary?
This year is the 35th anniversary. Last year was just trying it on for size. And yeah, it was fun. It was fun hitting the road and sharing the movie with people. It’s one thing to watch it in a living room. It’s another thing to watch it with like-minded people. People laugh harder when there’s other people laughing, and people enjoy it. So it’s really cool to kind of go out there and share it in a way that I hadn’t since, Gosh, 1990 really.
In the future, at some point, one of them’s gonna sideeye me and go, “Hey, wait a second.” Like, yeah, that was your papa.
Oh wow, so you still haven’t told them?
No, no. There’s no reason to. It’s almost like believing in Santa Claus or something like that. I want to keep that magic up for as long as possible. I’m sure some kids at recess are going to spoil the surprise at some point.
“It’s one thing to watch it in a living room. It’s another thing to watch it with likeminded people.”
The show itself is a ton of fun. I have a really great time. It’s part Q&A, part fireside chat, a little standup. There’s some audience participation. I pull the kids on stage and ask them trivia questions and give away prizes. I try to give people their money’s worth. I’m old-fashioned that way. You show up when advertised and you give people their money’s worth. And so it is a full experience. I have such a blast doing it. So, yeah, it’ll be fun. I’m
Especially my oldest, he thinks he’s the kid from the movie. He thinks that he’s Kevin. I’m like, “Oh, you remember that?” and he’s like, “Sure do!” You liar, that was me! That’s the thing, is that it’s taken on a brand new meaning now that I’m a father, I get to show it to my kids and all that. It’s a different experience altogether.
I know that watching a movie you made as a kid is one thing. But to watch it every year, like as a Christmas movie, that must be really surreal.
You know, it’s one of those things where my opinion of it falls with time. Before it was just kind of a phenomenon … how I made my name and all that. I wouldn’t call it a curse, per se, but it was definitely a curse and a blessing. It could have been burdensome, but then it kind of evolved into something else. That’s something that I’ve kind of really, really embraced. It’s definitely something that was a big, important
part of my life. Now that I’m a father, it’s different, and now I appreciate it on that level, not just for myself, but other parents. A lot of these people, they’re my age, they have kids too, and they show it to their kids. It’s become kind of a generational thing. I think that’s really neat. It’s a fun thing, while I’m out there doing
this tour and all that stuff, to see that in people, again, sharing this with their kids. When you were growing up, did you have a movie that you guys would watch every year that became what this movie acts as for other people? continued on page 46
FAMILY GUY: Culkin with his wife, Brenda Song, and their oldest son, Dakota.
continued from page 45
“Christmas Story” was a big one in my family. That was always on. We watched “Scrooged,” that Bill Murray one. People forget about that one and it’s actually a wonderful Christmas movie. That one kind of slips through the cracks of all these lists. I revisit that. I own the soundtrack on vinyl, in fact. I didn’t watch “Home Alone” growing up as a kid. Actually, to admit, I watched it for the first time very recently. And I felt the loneliness of this kid, Kevin. All those scenes where he’s doing the aftershave, and all those things that were funny and great, I feel like in your memories as a kid, they sort of overpower the sad parts. I watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” every year. And my girlfriend is like, “That is a movie about a guy who tries to kill himself.” And I’m like, “Yeah, yeah. But it’s happy!” On a subconscious level, do you feel like that sadness is a part of this phenomenon? Do you feel like people do connect with that sadness?
live. I can’t tell you how many times people have said, “I made the mistake of showing my kid that movie. They’re setting up traps. They’re locking me out…” Things like that. They’re questioning whether their toothbrush is ADA certified.
Yes, exactly, they are approved by the American Dental Association.
INTERVIEW
I wanted to ask you if your satire news site Bunny Ears might make a comeback, or if that’s something that you’ve considered doing more with recently.
“...it’s a power fantasy. This kid is getting one over on adults.”
Maybe…But there’s a little bit of a “careful what you wish for” kind of quality to the story arc. I think that’s a big part of it, if we’re gonna try to find some boiled-down essence to it. But also, it’s a fantasy kind of tale. That’s why kids especially really relate to it, it’s a power fantasy. This kid is getting one over on adults. He’s left to his own devices. I think that’s a big part of the appeal. That’s a lot of the way that I’ve interpreted it, and I know that’s how my kids
Not really. One of the reasons why it went by the wayside was… well, one, it was COVID. And then, two, even though we worked remotely, I was starting to have kids and stuff, and they do take the majority of my time. It’s the most important thing that I’ve ever done in my life, and I’m dedicating a lot of my time to that. It was a really fun project. I knew that it had a shelf life to it, but at the same time, it was a lot of fun. I’m still friends with a lot of the people that contributed to it. I still have memories of sitting around writing Oscar jokes, live-tweeting the Oscars, things like that. It was fun having a crew of funny people actively being funny, you know, with a certain amount of one-upmanship. That makes a lot of sense. Well, if you ever want to start another media project, and you feel like maybe investing in a newspaper, maybe one that’s based, like in Tampa, and it’s like, pretty small…
Alright, well, I know where to call!
CULKAMANIA: Home Alone is streaming now on Disney+.
Friday, November 28, 2025 • 8:00 PM - 1:00 AM
ALL BLACK AFFAIR - BLACK FRIDAY PARTY
@ Centro Lounge & Kitchen
1600 East 8th Avenue
Tickets From $24.92
bit.ly/AllBlackAffairYbor
Saturday, November 29, 2025 • 1:00 PM - 3:00 PM
Wine for Water @ Ybor City Society Wine Bar
1600 East 7th Ave.
Tickets - $81.88
bit.ly/WineForWater
Tuesday, December 2, 2025 • 6:00 PM - 8:30 PM
Barolo Winemaker Dinner featuring Achille Boroli
@ Chateau Cellars Ybor
2009 North 22nd Street
Tickets - $134.38
bit.ly/BaroloDinnerYbor
Sunday, December 7, 2025 • 7:00 AM - 5:00 PM
How We Roll to Ybor City Cigar Festival
@ Centennial Park
1800 East 8th Avenue
Tickets - $53.75
bit.ly/HowWeRollYbor
Friday, December 12, 2025 • 7:00 PM - 10:00 PM
Feliz Novedades: A Holiday Night Market
@ Hotel Haya
1412 East 7th Avenue
Free to the public
bit.ly/FelizNovedades
Saturday, December 13, 2025 • 4:00 PM
Tampa SantaCon 2025 @ Centro Cantina
1600 East 8th Ave
Tickets start at $18.89 bit.ly/SantaConTampa
Sunday, December 14, 2025 • 12:00 PM - 1:00 PM
7th Annual Jingle Bell Bazaar at Ybor Holiday Festival
@ Centennial Park
1800 East 8th Avenue
Free to the public bit.ly/JingleBellYbor
Thursday, December 18, 2025 • 6:00 PM - 8:30 PM
Elevated Effervescence: A Billecart-Salmon
Champagne Dinner @ Chateau Cellars Ybor
2009 North 22nd Street
Tickets - $174.04
bit.ly/BillecartYbor
Saturday, December 20, 2025 • 8:00 PM - 2:00 AM
Baddies Stealing XMAS… holiday PAJAMA JAM
@ Centro Lounge & Kitchen
1600 East 8th Avenue
Tickets from $24.92
bit.ly/PajamaJamYbor
Wednesday, December 31, 2025 • 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM
New Year’s Eve Celebration
@ Ybor City Society Wine Bar
1600 East 7th Avenue
Tickets $60.54
bit.ly/nyeYborWineBar
& Candle
Casa Ybor • casaybor.com
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Tampa Bay’s best holiday lights.
By Riley Benson and Selene San Felice
Just because it won’t snow (hopefully) this holiday season doesn’t mean Tampa Bay won’t get festive. There will be millions of twinkly lights, but all displays are equal. Here are a few of the better spots to get into the holiday spirit this season.
Oakdale Christmas Light Display Oakdale is still recovering from last year’s Hurricane Milton, as is Reddington Beach, which canceled its yearly display. This free event previously featured a half-acre Christmas light display, 70-foot-tall Christmas tree, railroad, carnival rides and animated displays. The event has been confirmed for this year, but no official dates have been announced. At the time of this writing, the event website says the neighborhood is preparing
“to showcase our much smaller, yet just as beautiful Christmas display.” 2719 Oakdale St. S, St. Petersburg. christmasdisplay.org
Pirate Water Taxi River of Lights The Pirate Taxi will be cruising around, providing views of holiday decorations along the water in downtown Tampa. For this year’s 45-minute cruise, guests can expect plenty of holiday displays, storytelling, an elf host, beer and wine for purchase, and a snow flurry finale. Tickets start at $25 for kids and $35 for adults, and children will receive a holiday gift during the ride. Now-Jan.
4. 333 S Franklin St., Tampa. piratewatertaxi.com
Winter Village at Curtis Hixon Park
Featuring an elevated 360-Degree Light Show, ice skating, curling and a massive pop-up
market, Winter Village has just about everything. Entry to the area is free, but ice skating for 90 minutes will cost $17 per ice skater for all ages. The Winter Village Express, a TECO Line Streetcar taking riders from Winter Village to Ybor and back, will feature sing-along songs, holiday trivia and milk and cookies, costing $10 for persons one years and older. Now-Jan. 4. 600
N Ashley Dr., Tampa. wintervillagetampa.com
Chick-fil-A light display
HOLIDAY GUIDE
An iconic Tampa tradition, the Chick-fil-A on Waters Ave. has displayed millions of Christmas lights every year for over two decades. It honestly doesn’t feel like Christmas until you experience the drive-thru and grab a lil spicy chicken sandwich on the way out. Now-Jan. 5 6299 W Waters Ave., Tampa. facebook.com/CFAWaters
Christmas Town at Busch Gardens
Tampa Bay Busch Gardens will be fully-dazzled with millions of lights, tons of Christmas-themed
events, seasonal treats and booze, holiday shows, character encounters and more, says the park. Classic favorites are returning, like Santa’s North Pole Experience, Rudolph’s Winter Wonderland, the Holly Jolly Express, Elmo’s Christmas Wish show, Christmas on Ice, and a nightly Holiday in the Sky fireworks experience. This year, the park is adding a few new additions, including a gingerbread cookie decorating station, new Christmas Town craft cocktails, and nightly rides along the Skyride, which will be decked out with twinkly lights. Christmas Town festivities are free with park admission. Now-Jan. 5. 10165 McKinley Dr., Tampa. buschgardens.com
Festival of Lights and Santa’s Village at Hillsborough County Fairgrounds This annual family favorite event features a nearly two-mile long continuous drive through holiday lights, followed by Santa’s village at the end, continued on page 53
including rides, an inflatable snow tube, festive lights and holiday treats, as well as live music on select nights and a new “Santa’s Winter Woodland” attraction. Prices start at $25 per car for just the drive-thru, and $30 per car when the village is open, with season passes available for purchase. Nov. 27-Dec. 28. 215 Sydney Washer Rd., Dover. hillsboroughcountyfair.com
Symphony in Lights at The Shops at Wiregrass This choreographed light show features holiday music and “snow” flurries in the center court of the mall, and is free to watch. Shows happen on the hour from 6 p.m.-9 p.m. nightly. Now-Dec. 31. 28211 Paseo Dr., Wesley Chapel. theshopsatwiregrass.com
Holiday Lights & Carnival Rides in Largo Central Park From 5-10 p.m. every night this season, walk through over two million LED holiday lights, and enjoy activities like a Ferris wheel and carousel, a campfire and food. Park admission is free, with rides costing $6 each. Food and beverages are available for purchase throughout the park. Nov. 27-Jan. 4. Central Park Dr., Largo. playlargo.com
North Pole Express at the Florida Railroad Museum Tom Hanks won’t be the conductor, but families can still have a magical night on the railroad. This 35-minute train ride goes from Parrish to The North Pole, where for about an hour and a half, kids can experience “snow” with a foam sprayer, get photos with Santa, see model trains galore, make s’mores and get tuckered out in the bounce house— which they’ll need to do to burn off the sugar from unlimited cookies and hot cocoa. And, of course, there’s tons of lights. Tickets start at $41.25 and vary by class, date and time. Many are already sold out, so reserve them online ASAP if you plan to go. Nov. 28-Dec. 22 (select nights). 12210 83rd St. E Parrish. frrm.org
the Wild” on select dates, so be sure to check the website to see the calendar. Guests can expect holiday light shows, animal sculptures throughout the parks and three brand new exhibits, “The Realm of the Nutcracker,” “Mrs. Claus Storytime” and “The Forest of Fantasy.” Nov. 28-Dec. 30 (select nights).1101 W Sligh Ave., Tampa. zootampa.org
Holiday Lights in the Gardens at Florida Botanical Gardens The botanical gardens will be illuminated with over 1 million LED lights, lasers and lighted figures to walk through and explore every night from 5:30-9:30 p.m. A donation of $10 per person is suggested. Nov. 28-Jan. 3. 12520 Ulmerton Rd., Largo. flbgfoundation.org
97th Annual Santa Parade & Tree
Lighting Starting at Albert Whitted Park at 6:30 p.m. and ending at North Straub Park for the annual Downtown St. Petersburg Christmas Tree Lighting, this annual parade is free to attend and features Santa, parade floats and lots of holiday lights. Nov. 29. North Straub Park, St. Petersburg. stpeteparksrec.org
HOLIDAY GUIDE
Friends of the Riverwalk: Holiday Spectacular Watch holiday lights and displays float through the Hillsborough River with synchronized music, at the Riverwalk. Some floats and attractions include a 30-foot-tall Christmas tree, a 22-foot pirate ship, trees throughout Water Works Park lit up and a holiday selfie station. Nov. 30-Jan. 2. Tampa Riverwalk. thetampariverwalk.com
The Lights of Lake Park Estates Neighbors along this 3.2-mile route have been decorating their homes to raise money for Suncoast Hospice (and to outdo each other) every year since 1993. There’s no cost to see it, but donations are collected. Dec. 1-31. 100th Ave. N, Largo. lightsoflakepark.com
Celebration of Lights at The Concourse
This event is only occurring on select dates throughout November and December, so be sure to check the website for details! Featuring a walkthrough Christmas light display and a chance to meet Santa in the North Pole, Celebration of Lights is also hosting a $3 train ride running from 6 p.m.-9 p.m. Nov. 28-Dec. 27. 11919 Alric Pottberg Rd., Shady Hills celebrationoflightsfl.com
Christmas Lane at Florida Strawberry Festival Grounds This massive winter wonderland includes a “Great Light Maze,” live entertainment and rides. Get your picture taken with Santa by a professional photographer ($15 & up), grab some fair food and enjoy some local music. Tickets are $12 for adults 13 and older, $10 for kids 4-12 and free for children 3 and younger. Nov. 28-Dec. 4 (select nights) from 6 p.m.-10 p.m. 2508 W Oak Ave., Plant City. christmaslane.com
Christmas in the Wild at ZooTampa ZooTampa is once again hosting “Christmas in
The Wonderland of Lights & America’s Christmas Village This drive-thru event features thousands of holiday lights, as well as food, family activities, and an opportunity to see Santa. Tickets cost $25, and there’s also an “Enchanted Elf” 3D glasses option for $5 more (not including fees). Dec. 4- Dec. 28. 1052 US-92, Auburndale. thewonderlandoflights.com
Holidays at Legoland Legoland is celebrating the holiday season and all attendees can join the fun with dance parties, writing letters to the North Pole, competing in Santa’s toy-building competition and checking out the park’s Christmas tree, made of over 300,000 LEGOs. Dec. 6, 13, 20, and Dec. 24-31.
1 Legoland Way, Winter Haven. legoland.com
Snow Place Like Tarpon Springs Tarpon Springs is hosting a Christmas celebration with an illuminated boat parade at 8:00pm, a tree lighting at 6 p.m. and festivities for the whole family, like falling snow, a snow slide, an outdoor movie and more. Dec. 12 from 5 p.m.-10 p.m. Downtown Tarpon Springs. ctsfl.us
MARLY MUSIC PRESENTS ST. PETE BAROQUE
SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7 | 1-2 PM
In conjunction with In Caravaggio’s Light, the MFA presents a special performance by St. Pete Baroque, a dynamic local ensemble devoted to reviving the spirit, spontaneity, and emotional richness of Baroque music. This program will blend exquisite musical performance with engaging historical context, giving audiences insight into the social, cultural, and artistic currents that shaped the Baroque period. Between pieces, the musicians will offer brief reflections on the Baroque era’s aesthetic values, compositional innovations, and the musical equivalents of chiaroscuro, further connecting the music to the art on view.
Valentin de Boulogne, known as Le Valentin, Denial of St. Peter (detail), c. 1620, Oil on canvas, Fondazione di Studi di Storia dell’Arte Roberto Longhi, Florence, Italy
FALL MOVIE SERIES
UPCOMING SHOWS
DECEMBER 2
FIT FOR A KING Jannus Live
DECEMBER 7
JUVENILE Jannus Live
DECEMBER 14
RAEKWON & MOBB DEEP Jannus Live
DECEMBER 17 THE CASUALTIES Crowbar
JANUARY 20
NOTHING MORE Jannus Live
FEBRUARY 5
LETTUCE Jannus Live
FEBRUARY 22 LAST DINOSAURS Jannus Live
MARCH 10
STICKY FINGERS Jannus Live
FOR TICKETS & UP-TO-DATE CONCERT INFO VISIT NOCLUBS.COM
COMING SOON - YATES MCKENDREE, KELLI BAKER, NOAH GUTHRIE, DK HARRELL, RHETT MILLER, RONNIE BAKER BROOKS, BOBBY RUSH, VANESSA COLLIER, RED ELVISES
By Ray Roa
C CL Recommends
FRI 28
C The Arrival Note w/Pale Gold/Dream Fatigue A year after its release, The Arrival Note’s …Home Is So Far From Here still rips. The Tampa emo band tops a bill which includes a visit from Massachusetts’ Dream Fatigue, supporting a December 2024 album (The Lady In the Sky ) that sounds a bit like Deftones meets Basement or Slowdive. (Deviant Libation, Tampa)
Autoheart w/Wild Party Over the summer, the English “genre-hopping” outfit (which carries more of an indie-pop vibe) released “Indigo Chateau,” the first single from its impending third album Heartlands , with an oddly-canine music video to go along with it. The track is described as something for the non-conformist outsiders to take in, while stuck in a cookie-cutter world that’s afraid of differences. (Orpheum, Tampa)—Josh Bradley
SAT 29
C Christian Nodal Fresh of a Latin Grammy win (Best Mariachi Album), Mexico’s king of Mariacheño arrives in Tampa at a time when Latin music is not only one of the most popular genres for live concerts, but as Spanish-language artists find themselves having to speak out on behalf of fans who may feel uncomfortable being out in public while the Trump administration stages one of the most cruel immigration crackdowns in recent history. The 26-year-old even saw members of his own band—including some who wrote the songs—denied visas. “It’s affecting all of us,” he told a crowd at Acrisure Arena in Palm Springs. “We need to stay united as Latinos, as a hardworking community, coming here for a dream, to grow, to improve, to be someone in life.” (Benchmark International Arena, Tampa)
SUN 30
C Jagged Edge w/Lloyd/Eric Bellinger It’s cuffing season, and there might now be a better soundtrack than Jagged Edge, the Grammy-nominated, sultry Def Jam staple known for songs like “Let’s Get Married” and “I Gotta Be.” With a lineup that’s stayed the same for 30 years, Jagged Edge is a rarity in modern R&B and arrives supporting a new album, All Original Parts: Volume 1, released last Valentine’s Day. (Mahaffey Theater, St. Petersburg)
C Playboi Carti w/Ken Carson/ Destroy Lonely/Homixide Gang After his “Antagonist” tour stopped in Tampa nearly two years ago, Playboi Carti is taking
a victory lap. The “Antagonist 2.0” tour supports his album, Music (stylized in all caps), released last March. That album boasted features from Travis Scott, the Weeknd, Kendrick Lamar, Jhené Aiko, Skepta, Future, Lil Uzi Vert, Ty Dolla Sign and Young Thug. Since Music was three years in the making, he released a deluxe edition (Music - Sorry 4 Da Wait ) 11 days later. For fans, it was all seemingly was. His sold-out Fort Worth, Texas show last week had mosh pits going all night—“donning all black and foaming at the mouth,” per the Dallas Observer. That’s also a good sign for the openers, all also from Atlanta. Oh, and Carti’s getting a Fortnite skin. Ask your nephew what that means.(Benchmark International Arena, Tampa)—Selene San Felice
TUE 02
Radio St. Pete Holiday Party: The St. Pete Collective (James Taylor tribute) WMNF 88.5-FM gets a lot of love thanks to its nearly-half-a-century commitment to the Bay area, but it’s not the only local radio station in town. Radio St. Pete broadcasts on 96.7-FM if you’re in the right spot, and consistently features local artists and newsmakers, too. The gang comes off air for this gig that finds the St. Pete Collective (a band that features Tampa’s dean of jazz guitar LaRue Nickelson) reviving the sold-out James Taylor tribute it did at Palladium Theater last month. (Bayboro Brewing, St. Petersburg)
WED 03
C Cowgirl Clue w/sweet93 Anyone who tunes into Bodyrock on Bay area community radio station WMNF 88.5-FM (Mondays, midnight-3 a.m.) knows about Ashley Clue. The 20something Texas songwriter utilizes country guitar in her production and makes regular playlist appearances on the show dedicated to out-of-the-box alternative music. A new album, Total Freedom , is more dressed-up-for-the-club than anything Clue has released, and she’s in good company for this gig. Chloe Kohanski, a 31-year-old who almost competed on Team Miley on the 13th season of “The Voice,” brings her bedroompop project sweet93 to open the show. (Crowbar, Ybor City)
Queensrÿche w/Accept Next year marks 40 years since the progressive-metal giant convened to record its sophomore album Rage For Order, which was thematically ahead of its time, with warnings about AI and how humanity would react to it. Only a few songs from the record are being dusted off on this retrospective “Volume and Vengeance” tour (featuring German metal pioneers Wolf Hoffmann and Accept opening), so regardless of how correct you feel to have shared former creative forces Geoff Tate and Chris DeGarmo’s skeptics back in 1986, maybe delve deeper into the boys’
Petersburg)—JB
THU 04
C Denison Witmer w/Alexander & Philip Charos Record shop concerts may seem scarce these days, but store owners that hold them never say die. Microgroove’s Keith Ulrey—who also drums for legendary local emo band Pohgoh—is notorious for hosting release parties and punk shows in his almost 14-year-old store, and next up on his stage is Pennsylvania-bred troubadour Denison Witmer, in the midst of a southeast solo tour. The 49-year-old’s longtime friend and collaborator Sufjan Stevens has had a rough few years, with the death of his partner and his diagnosis with Guillain-Barré syndrome, an autoimmune disorder that forced him to relearn how to walk. But before shit hit the fan, Stevens produced Witmer’s new album Anything At All . The soothing indie record, which comes 30 years after his first-ever cassette (a musical project for his English class) reflects on the beauty of the simple, oftentimes taken-for-granted things in life, and according to a press release, the ideology that
“a life lived with thoughtfulness and care can lead to deeper joy and fulfillment.” This show won’t be Witmer’s first dance with Tampa, either. In 2015, he played a release party at New World Brewery’s old Ybor City location for a 10th anniversary reissue of his album Are You A Dreamer?, which saw St. Pete-based indie outfit The Grapes play as his backup band. And as luck would have it, two of those Grapes—Alexander & Philip Charos—open this show. (Microgroove, Tampa)—JB
C Rock The Park: Ashley Smith & The Random Occurrence w/Ari Chi/Autumn Drive It’s quite literally the most wonderful time to be at The Curt as the sun goes down. Dressed up in its Winter Village digs, downtown Tampa’s marquee greenspace hosts its monthly free concert this week, with powerhouse vocalist Ashley Smith in the headlining slot. Ari Chi, a uke-wielding pop songwriter who finally recorded her banger of a live staple (“Zip It Up”), is at the heart of the bill, with visiting indie-rock band Autumn Band opening. (Curtis Hixon Waterfront Park, Tampa)
See an extended version of this listing via cltampa.com/music.
discography before its annual gig in town. (Jannus Live, St.
Denison Witmer
Fostering is free: all supplies provided!
Help cats and dogs get a break from the shelter
Raise kittens and puppies in a safe home environment
Earn 4 volunteer hours per day
Snakes and bladders
by Dan Savage
I
’m a straight male who is not well endowed
— I’m at the edge of the scale used to describe average penis size — and I watch porn both alone and with my wife. I suddenly find myself becoming more and more fascinated with larger penises. Specifically: What is it like to have one?
Like most straight guys, I’ve never touched a penis other than my own. I’ve spent my entire life fondling one penis. I want to touch another penis but — and I mean this very sincerely — not for a sexual purpose. I want to experience what a well-endowed penis owner experiences daily. What is it like to wash a large penis while showering? Or to hold it while pissing? Or to feel it in your hand while adjusting yourself? What does it feel like to stand at a urinal and pull a snake out of your pants and feel a stream of piss coursing through all that meat while you’re holding it in your hand?
Is there a way I can do this? I imagine going into a gay bar and asking the bartender to point me to the patron with the biggest dick. And then going up to that patron and politely asking if he would let me follow him to the bathroom when he needs to piss, stand behind him, and then pull his huge snake out of his pants and hold it for him while he pees. No sex. No implication of such. I just want to know what it feels like to be the owner of a massive cock for a few moments. Help me, Dan. What is the protocol here?—I’ve Been Shorted
While I don’t want you going into gay bars and asking bartenders to point out the guys with the biggest dicks, IBS, I also don’t want you — and I mean this very sincerely — to give up on your dream (or the pleasure) of holding a much bigger dick in your hand. But to make your dream of holding another man’s cock in your hand while he takes a piss, IBS, you’re gonna have pay for the privilege like all the other perverts. That’s the protocol here, IBS.
SAVAGE LOVE
I know, I know: You’re not a pervert! You want to hold another man’s cock for him while he pisses for him, not for you while he pisses! (So selfless!) You will derive no sexual pleasure — none at all — once you’re pressed up behind a man while he stands at a urinal while he takes the kind of long, leisurely piss that guys with massive cocks are famous for taking. But since the guy who lets you hold his massive cock is 1. highly unlikely to believe you aren’t getting a thrill from it and 2. highly unlikely to let you hold or wash or adjust his cock if there isn’t something in it for him — and being fondled by a straight guy isn’t something (it’s not anything) — your search for a hung guy who’ll do this for free is going to be long and fruitless. So, paying for the privilege is your best bet, IBS, if you actually wanna make this happen. Direct your polite requests to your local male sex workers, traveling porn stars, and other men who enjoy showing off the goods on social media. But open a Venmo account first.
kind of quirk. The drunker he is, the gayer he is. If he is 100% sober, he is adamant that he is 100% straight. If he is a little drunk, he is a little bicurious. If he is blackout drunk, he will kiss men and fully admit to being bisexual and skewing towards men. Once when he was blackout drunk, he propositioned his wife’s ex-boyfriend. He doesn’t seem to have any problems with gay people at any stage of sobriety, he is just adamant he is not gay when he is not intoxicated. My question is, should I tell him that absolutely everyone, wife, kids, friends, employer, coworkers has seen him talk about liking men since sadly, he gets blackout drunk fairly frequently? We just want him to be happy.—Helping One Man Out You have a phone, HOMO, and unless you’re one of those modern luddites, your phone has a built-in camera that records video — you just point it at someone and press record. So, the next time your Not Gay Friend is drunk and hitting on men and telling on himself, I suggest you whip out your phone make a video. Not to post publicly — not to shame or blackmail him — but to show him, HOMO, and only show him. Basically, the next time he denies being even the tiniest bit interested in men, pull him aside, open the video, and press play. Maybe seeing it will convince him to stop lying or stop drinking or both.
We don’t need to tell you this, OOF, but twelve years is a long time to spend in a sexless marriage. And while your marriage ended a few years ago, you only just met the new man in your life, bed, crotch, etc.
“Just like water hits differently when you’re dying of thirst,” said Martine, “pleasure can hit differently when it’s been a long time since your body’s had a reason to remember what it likes. For all intents and purposes, this is new territory.”
So, while you may not be a virgin technically — I’m assuming your marriage wasn’t sexless at the start — it’s been so long since you explored your sexuality with a partner (I’m hoping you were having good solo sex while your ex-husband neglected you), OOF, that you can think of yourself as a virgin in spirit. (Recognizing, of course, that the concept of virginity is a problematic one and blah blah blah. But you know what I mean here!)
Oh, there’s a protocol — we’ll get to the protocol in a moment — but first I’m wanna unpack the totally insane assumptions you’re making.
Insane Assumption #1: Gay men will do anything.
Insane Assumption #2: Gay men are so into straight men — we’re so desperate for the attention of straight guys — that we’ll do anything a straight guy wants. That includes letting random straight men stand behind us and hold our cocks while we’re pissing because that’s totally not something a serial killer or a jealous exboyfriend would ask you to do before slitting your throat and leaving you to bleed out on the bathroom floor.
Insane Assumption #3: Gay men disclose their cock sizes to the bartenders in gay bars when we buy our first beer and/or the bartenders in gay bars have fucked every man in the bar (okay, not an entirely insane assumption) and bartenders in gay bars are happy to direct random patrons — especially nervous straight guys giving first-time-in-a-gay-bar energy — to the gay guys with the biggest cocks (an entirely insane assumption) because that’s a perfectly normal thing for a bartender who doesn’t wanna lose his job to do.
P.S. I shared your question with Leo Louis, a gay porn star who is famous for his staggeringly huge cock. “When you’re gay and well-endowed, you get to pick and choose who you interact with sexually and rarely do I feel like doing volunteer work,” Louis replied via text. “That said, I’m often a sort of toy among my group of friends. They play with my cock and brag about my size as if my cock is an extension of the group. So, I’ve had multiple friends hold my cock while I piss — that and other bathroom stall activities — but a random straight man is on the bottom of my list of people to entertain. Maybe if you get me a drink or something I’d let you feel it. LOL.”
P.P.S. Large or small, gay or straight, sex worker or sex volunteer, etc., we all get to pick and choose who we interact with sexually, as I’m sure Louis would agree.
P.P.P.S. I’ve touched a lot of penises other than my own — more men have allowed me to pull their cocks out of their pants than I can count — but I’ve never heard a gay man refer to his cock or anyone else’s as a “snake.” So, best not to use that word while you’re making your polite approaches.
Follow Leo Louis on Twitter @LeoLouis0.
I have a friend of many decades who has a
I am a straight cis-woman in her early 40s who ended a 12-year sexless marriage a few years ago. I have recently met a wonderful guy, and I am starting to be able to have fun in the bedroom again. My dilemma is that I have been experiencing pleasure so intense it becomes discomfort and takes me out of the moment. Like I loved when he was going down on me, but the sensation made me want to push him away because it was too much. Am I okay? Is this fixable? Help!—Overwhelming Orgasmic Feelings
“This isn’t a problem to ‘fix’ so much as an invitation to get curious about what’s happening,” said Rena Martine, an intimacy coach and sex educator. “Sexual overstimulation is a real thing. Sometimes it’s caused by too much repetitive friction or sensory sensitivity from neurodivergence, but in OOF’s case, my guess is that it’s about the good feelings feeling so good because she hasn’t had them in a really long time.”
“When I work with clients exploring anything new sexually, my mantra is: baby steps, and keep yourself in the driver’s seat,” said Martine. “There’s a technique by Masters & Johnson called Sensate Focus that I often recommend to couples. It’s essentially a scaffolded touch exercise where partners take turns showing and describing what feels good. It builds incrementally, and it’s great for expanding your body’s capacity for pleasure while learning each other’s cues. And while there are times when discomfort warrants a medical check — like pain during orgasm (dysorgasmia) or penetration (vaginismus) — because OOF describes the sensation as overwhelming rather than painful, there’s no need to sprint to the doctor’s office just yet.”
Follow Rena Martine on Instagram @_ rena.martine_ and learn more about her work (and get her book The Sex You Want)— at RenaMartine.com.
Got problems? Yes, you do! Email your question for the column to mailbox@savage.love! Or record your question for the Savage Lovecast at savage.love/askdan! Podcasts, columns and more at Savage.Love.
Notice of Public Sale Notice is hereby given that the undersigned will sell, to satisfy lien of the owner, at public sale by competitive bidding on www.storagetreasures.com ending on December 12th, 2025 at 10:00 am for units located at: Compass Self Storage 2291 S. Frontage Rd, Plant City, Florida 33563 . Purchases must be made with cash only and paid at the time of sale. All goods are sold as is and must be removed at the time of purchase. Compass Self Storage reserves the right to refuse any bid. Sale is subject to adjournment. The personal goods stored therein by the following may include, but are not limited to general household, furniture,
