25 minute read
THE INTERVIEWS
One of the most effective forms of education is through learning from other people's stories and hearing about their experiences. With that being said, in this issue of ENOUGH. we have chosen six individual stories to feature. Those featured were asked to answer the same questions discussing their experiences through eating disorder recovery, the advice they have to offer to others in recovery and discuss the impact of COVID-19 on their eating disorder or their recovery journey. If you'd like to be highlighted in our next issue, please make sure to fill out the inquiry form on our website.
Did COVID/ quarantine affect your eating disorder in any way?
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Initially, my relationship with food improved. I would argue that part of that had to do with the fact that I was eating on a more regular basis, and I didn't have to eat in front of other people; however, that soon changed. What had initially been recognized as a twoweek break soon, the stress of the pandemic caught up with me. I relapsed on multiple occasions throughout the past year, and I am continuing to find a balance in life, learning not to punish myself for things that I can't control. I am proud of myself for the improvements that I have made because I have come quite far. However, there is still a long journey ahead of me. Recovery doesn't happen overnight.
How have your family and friends responded to your eating disorder?
If I'm entirely honest, most of my family didn't even know that I struggled with food and with an eating disorder until I released the first issue of my magazine. When I was struggling and tried to discuss it, I was told that I was overreacting and that I didn't have a problem or was selfish because there are people out there who struggle with malnutrition. The only reaction that I would get when I saw my extended family was "wow, where did the other half of you go" or "is this a new person?" and would compliment me on my weight loss when in reality was struggling with anorexia. Even at this point, when I have tried to explain that I am in recovery, many still think it is recovery from binge eating disorder. They have interpreted it as me trying to develop a healthy lifestyle because they continue to believe that I was not small enough or sick enough to have a form of anorexia. Aside from that, though, I am grateful that I was provided with a team of medical professionals who helped guide me in the right direction and help me during my recovery journey.
If there is one thing you would like to change about the way family, friends or society view eating disorders, what would it be?
In terms of family members, I would change their perspective on eating disorders. I wish that they recognized when an issue occurred before the point of no return and help support that person while struggling rather than only taking action when a problem is too severe. I would offer some advice for people to be more cautious in terms of the language they use or things they may say to someone who may be struggling with body image issues. Even if the comment may not mean to be rude or mean, many things can be triggering to people struggling with an eating disorder or who are in recovery, so it is important to set those boundaries and be cautious. continued on page 11
CATHERINE COLBERT, 17
I would say that you exist and have been my longest and most toxic relationship. I've seen the different sides of you, but more importantly, I felt the effects on you physically and mentally. You create this form of abuse that no one deserves to have to suffer through, yet you continue to affect millions of other people and me, so screw you because I'm much better off without you. Unfortunately, I can assure you everyone else is too.
One of the most important things is to remind yourself that you are not only beautiful on the inside and out, but you are a fighter, and you are strong. I know that may sound cliche considering it's been said a million times, but it's true. I'm going to be honest, struggling with an eating disorder and working to recover are by far some of the hardest things you'll probably ever have to do, considering food is something that we need to live. At this moment, you are both your best friend and your worst enemy as you are working to recover. It's going to be tough, but it's okay to struggle to have bad days and good days because the ultimate results matter most in terms of recovery. I would also write a list of what you want to see by recovering from your eating disorder and a list of goals, whether big or small, that you may have because I can assure you they will have more of an impact than you think.
Did COVID/ quarantine affect your eating disorder in any way?
COVID and quarantine really affected my anorexia, and most especially my over-exercising habits. Eating disorders are mainly anxiety disorders, and when the pandemic started, my anxiety went through the roof. At first, it was because of the uncertainty of the virus. But eventually, my anxiety came from my inability to leave the house. Sitting in the same chair, in the same room, day after day, with nowhere to go, really affected my mind. I felt like I was going crazy. I started to hate waking up. I have hobbies to keep me busy, but doing them alone for months on end eventually made them feel like a dread too. As a result, I spent a lot of time exercising. Hours and hours. Anything to keep me from sitting in my armchair again. Exercise was one of the main things that provided any real action to my day. Luckily, I now know better than to cope with my anxiety that way.
How have your family and friends responded to your eating disorder?
I can't say that my family really understands it. They're immigrants, and it can be really difficult for them to wrap their heads around mental health issues. They don't ask that many questions and I'm not sure if they've done any research on their own. Based on the comments they make sometimes, I suspect that they haven't. Nonetheless, they're incredibly supportive of my recovery and they want me to get better no matter what. As for my friends, they're incredibly loving and caring. I talk to them more about the day-to-day of what I'm facing and going through. Some have had similar experiences, and some haven't. But we have strong friendships, and they're supportive. I will say that since I've committed to recovery, I've had to alter my relationship with many friends by putting up boundaries so that I can commit to self-care. Some of those friends have still been adjusting to this change, and I have to admit that that has hurt a bit. But recovery has been better than protecting people's feelings. And I refuse to feel guilty about creating boundaries that ultimately serve my life. So I'm still moving forward.
If there is one thing you would like to change about the way family, friends or society view eating disorders, what would it be?
I wish we didn't see eating disorders as something that only affects a "certain kind of person" . First of all, when people think of the term "eating disorder" they think of anorexia and imagine young, white women, who are nothing but skin and bones. And that couldn't be far from the truth. I don't fit any of those descriptors and yet I dealt with anorexia for about 15 years. And furthermore, eating disorders take on so many forms, that I think people who have eating disorders don't know how to identify the issues they're facing. continued on page 13
-{cont.] For example, I think that the "body positivity movement" has shielded many people from exploring that they may be experiencing binge eating disorder. On the flip side, general fatphobia in the medical community also shields doctors from suggesting that their patients see eating disorder specialists about binge eating. As I mentioned, eating disorders are truly anxiety disorders at their core. Some people decide to restrict food and some decide to over-indulge. I've been at both sides of the spectrum, and yet the core issue was exactly the same. Anxiety. Depression. Insomnia. You name it. From my daily observations, I truly believe more people have eating disorders than you would expect.
Imagine your eating disorder was a person sitting in front of you. If you could say one thing to your eating disorder what would it be?
When you came into my life, you were trying to show me that something was wrong and needing fixing. I didn't listen to you. I was so young that I didn't even know how to listen to you. Instead, I used you to cope. In a way, I'm grateful that you've been a guidepost for so long, helping me know when my life was wildly off track. Luckily, I don't need you anymore. I'm a better listener now.
If you could offer advice to anyone who has struggled or is currently struggling with an eating disorder, what would it be?
Don't try and do this alone. Eating disorders are very complicated to treat, and you don't have the personal tools to do so on your own. Get whatever help you can, as soon as you can. I'd suggest a trauma-informed therapist who also focuses on EMDR therapy. It has been a godsend for me.
More than anything else though, for any therapeutic intervention to work, you have to want to get better. The reason why my eating disorder ruled my life for 15 years was that for 15 years there was a part of me that wanted to be skinny more than (or at least as much as) I wanted to be happy. I didn't want the depression and anxiety and insomnia, but I also wanted to starve myself at least a few times a week if I needed to. Recovery doesn't work like that. You can't have your cake and eat it too. To fully recover, you have to want full recovery more than you want your eating disorder. It may be hard to recognize now, but your weight, your looks, and your body are not nearly the most important, or interesting, or valuable things about you. When you're willing to try and believe that, recovery will come quicker than you could ever imagine.
ANONYMOUS, 15
Along with their interview, this individual asked if they could submit their own story and share more about their experience. Their story is featured first, then their interview.
Since elementary school, I’ve struggled with my body image; however, I've never acted on the hatred I felt for my body until quarantine began. I can remember the exact day I started viewing my body as my enemy.
It was my first day of sixth grade, and I was more than thrilled to see all of my friends. I walked into the cafeteria where my class was gathered and ran up to my best friend to give her a giant bear hug. After giving me a toothy grin, she looked me up and down and asked me, “Did you run over the summer?” .
I was confused, I didn't understand what she was trying to ask, so I asked her to clarify, to which she said something that would haunt my thoughts for the next three years, “You've gained weight, did you stop exercising?”
I did not find the clarity I was looking for; in fact, I had more confusion than I had first felt. Was I overweight? I didn't want to be. However, looking back at pictures of a 13-year-old me, I realize I was a healthy weight. I was already on the skinny side and nowhere near fat; however, I did not recognize it then.
For the next few years, I was ashamed of my body, yet acting on that feeling was something I began during quarantine. Like many, I was isolated from the world: I never saw my friends or family in person, and I began ignoring texts and calls. Then, I started cutting myself off from the world, even from the people I lived with, as I would shut myself into my room all day and night.
The isolation of quarantine let me isolate myself with only my thoughts. The hatred I felt for my body became incessant, and wanting to be skinny became an obsession. I began to compulsively exercise, going through two collegiate level workouts a day.
I could not stop and would only end my workouts when I would collapse from exhaustion. I had lost weight, but I still was not satisfied with the results.
One night, I snuck into my parent’s bathroom and stole two packages of high-strength laxatives. I began taking the pills daily, using almost five times more than the safe dosage was. Unfortunately, this is when I developed body dysmorphia, which was diagnosed a year later.
I experienced body dysmorphia as having a distorted image of my body. If I lost weight, I would be unable to tell.
Looking back on it, it was like I was looking at a photoshopped version of myself—a version that exaggerated every feature. I only saw myself as being overweight, ugly, and undesirable.
continued on page 15
ANONYMOUS, 15
The laxatives’ side effects had a massive toll on my health: I had completely drained myself of electrolytes and became severely dehydrated. Because I was taking so many, I began to have heart arrhythmias. I would become very dizzy every time I stood up and would constantly collapse.
Because of this, I physically couldn’t exercise anymore. So I stopped compulsively exercising, but I began something else. Despite taking the pills and losing weight at an alarming amount, it still wasn’t enough.
I began to cut food out completely-only eating one meal a day. The dizziness got worse, large amounts of my hair started to fall out, my period would stop and become irregular, and I was so tired I couldn't perform everyday tasks. In addition, I was constantly cold, and a small breeze would cause me to freeze up.
There was no end to my restricting-nothing I would do would be enough. Eventually, I had had enough- I wanted to tell someone.
I had always been very close to my mom, a psychologist specializing in eating disorders in adolescence. At the time, I knew little about her work, but I knew that she had worked with hundreds if not thousands of people in similar situations as me and would hopefully help-which she did.
She got me into therapy, and we threw out the laxatives and journals tracking my calorie intake. She would watch me eat meals and made sure I wasn't doing anything else to lose weight. At first, eating felt guilty. It was difficult to eat if I wasn't distracted, and the temptation to track calories could be overwhelming at times. Still, over time, I could return to a healthy weight, eat healthier, and view my body more positively.
Nothing is more important than dedication to your recovery. While some days can be difficult, remaining strong and reminding yourself that you are enough is the key to defeating eating disorders.
continued on page 16
ANONYMOUS, 15
Did COVID/ quarantine affect your eating disorder in any way?
Like many, my quarantine was spent in isolation. I had the entire day and night to myself, which often led me to spend hours scrolling through social media, seeing celebrities post photoshopped pictures, posting ads of impossibly skinny models, etc. The scrolling was endless; the posts were everywhere-Pinterest, Instagram and Snapchat. Quarantine gave me the free time I was not used to having, and much of that time was spent focusing on what I saw as flaws and imperfections. The time alone allowed my insecure thoughts to spiral-worsening my feelings about myself.
How have your family and friends responded to your eating disorder?
Reactions have varied-i could not have asked for a “better” reaction from my parents. They were sad and struggled to comprehend how their once happy and lively daughter developed an eating disorder. I think it was tough for my mom to accept, as she had spent her career working in mental hospitals and eating disorder treatment facilities. I imagine it must have been hard to watch her daughter go through what she had seen other children go through, but because of her experience, she knew what treatments would be helpful to her and understood what I was going through. I told a few close friends who were also very supportive; however, a couple of peers encouraged my eating disorder, suggesting new diet and fasting plans, different laxatives and vitamins, and even began offering to throw up as a “quick and easy” way to lose weight. a doctor I visited dismissed my eating disorder, saying I was “barely underweight” and I should “simply stop taking the laxatives. ” This was disappointing to hear, and I felt like my attempt to have an eating disorder had failed. Looking back on it should be a good thing, but at the time was very discouraging. While there were a few negative responses, I feel fortunate that the majority were supportive.
continued on page 17
ANONYMOUS, 15
I wish people would understand that ending your eating disorder takes a lot of mental strength and determination-the guilt I felt after eating full meals was challenging to complete. I would end up subconsciously counting calories. I wish people would understand that it can feel like there is no end-like nothing will be enough. I want the media would stop showcasing underweight and photoshopped models. I wish more people understood that eating disorders could start early in one’s life. I hope people who are struggling with an eating disorder recognize that they are enough.
I would ask if they would ever be satisfied.
I would want them to know that it’s so important to put all of your efforts into treatment and that it does get better. It takes time and effort, and more strength than most people could comprehend, but eventually, eating becomes easier and not stressful, and it does get better. Recognizing that you want to stop your eating disorder is crucially important, and realizing that you and your body are enough is equally important.
Did COVID/ quarantine affect your eating disorder in any way?
COVID and quarantine definitely affected my eating disorder. Structure and routine are two things that I value and are necessary for my life to thrive. When COVID hit, I finally got back on my feet after being in the hospital and PHP. I recently returned to school, and life was starting to feel somewhat normal. But before I knew it, I was really struggling again. When I am busy with school, sports, and other activities, I tend to do very well with my recovery. At first, I didn't really understand why because during the thick of my eating disorder, all I wanted to do was stay inside and not do anything. Not only because of my lack of energy but also because I did not want to live life anymore. Once quarantine began, I realized I liked being busy because it took my mind off of food and my body and helped me to realize that life has much more to offer than my constant desire of wanting to shrink myself. As COVID continued, social media served as both a good and bad outlet for me. I felt the need to lose weight because diet culture consumed Instagram and tik tok, especially during the beginning of lockdown. Everywhere I looked, an advertisement or influencer preached about how everyone should use the downtime to lose weight! Right…because in the midst of a global pandemic, we should all be focused on how we look and make ourselves smaller rather than keep ourselves healthy and stay informed on how we can limit the spread of this rapidly growing disease! WRONG. Throughout quarantine, I definitely struggled, but I also learned so much. I created an Instagram blog inspired by influencers similar to Victoria Garrick and Brittani Lancaster to share my story. I am thankful for quarantine because it has made me stronger and has increased my willpower to fight against my eating disorder.
How have your family and friends responded to your eating disorder?
At first, my family and friends didn’t know how to react. And quite honestly, neither did I. I didn't want to believe in them, and they just wanted to help. But the question was how? In the beginning, I was praised by my friends. I always wanted to lose weight, and once I did, they praised me. I took their attention and ran with it. I used their praise as motivation and kept going, ultimately leading me into a spiral. By no means am I blaming my eating disorder on my friends. However, it shows that our society is brainwashed by diet culture, even at such a young age. As my eating disorder got worse, I pushed everyone out of my life. I spent little to no time with friends, and I avoided my family as much as possible. Their positive comments turned negative. At the moment, I failed to realize it, but reflecting on their “negative” comments, they were really trying to help. They were saying things out of love because they didn't know what else they should do. Hearing the words “too skinny” coming out of my grandmother's mouth fed my eating disorder. I just wanted to keep going. was always sad and irritable, affecting my relationships in all aspects of my life. I felt so alone because I felt like no one loved me, but truly it was me, not loving myself. After asking and receiving the help I needed, my friends and family are nothing but supportive.
-{cont.] Of course, at times, it feels as though no one understands my problems, and in reality, it's the truth. But at the end of the day, I am so lucky and grateful for my support system and would not be where I am today without them.
I would change the stigma surrounding eating disorders. So many people who struggle with eating disorders are so ashamed and feel the need to hide their struggles due to the stigma. This needs to change. Eating disorders are not a choice and this message needs to be heard. When someone is recovering from an eating disorder, the voice inside of their head does not go away! It is a constant battle everyday and it takes a lot of strength to fight against the ED.
Everything is going to be okay. I know how hard it is, but you have to keep fighting. Even when you feel like you want to give up and that it is never going to get better, reflect on the progress you have already made. Your ED is not a choice, but you have the choice to fight against it. You are stronger than you think and life is so much more than shrinking yourself. You will find your purpose, but I know for a fact that your eating disorder is not your purpose. Recovery is worth it and you deserve to love yourself no matter what stage of life you are in.
ANONYMOUS,18
Did COVID/ quarantine affect your eating disorder in any way?
In a way, it prompted my disordered eating as well as let me get away with over-exercising.
How have your family and friends responded to your eating disorder?
My family is still in disbelief that I even have an eating disorder. They have tried to be supportive, but it just kind of ended up fueling my ED. My family and close friends in our bubble started to notice that I was losing weight, and the praise I was getting from this started to cause a huge problem. I now not only had bulimia, I now had people encouraging me to hurt my body. My family would encourage me….To work out more. To eat less. They even got excited when I ate a singular carrot for lunch. The more runs and walks I would go on, the more “I’m so proud of you!” “You look amazing!” I got it.
If there is one thing you would like to change about how family, friends, or society view eating disorders, what would it be?
I wish society would stop promoting eating disorders. If you go on tik tok, not only are there videos showing people's weights as they drop. There are people glamorizing recovery. People are promoting disordered eating. This, for me, just made me feel invalid. Because I am not “sick enough” like the people that show up on my fyp. I wish my family just noticed and paid a little more attention to how they were saying things about reacting to certain situations.
Imagine your eating disorder was a person sitting in front of you. If you could say one thing to your eating disorder, what would it be?
I would probably say nothing. That voice doesn’t even deserve a single word from me. It ruined me. And I will forever have open wounds from the trauma. I will never be “normal” again. Or my old self.
If you could offer advice to anyone who has struggled or is currently struggling with an eating disorder, what would it be?
You don’t have to have an eating disorder diagnosis to have disordered eating or disordered thoughts. If you think you have an eating disorder, you probably do. And please seek help. You are not a failure for needing help. You're so strong and brave for even realizing that you are starting to go down a rabbit hole.
ARABELLE BLALACK, 16
Did COVID/ quarantine affect your eating disorder in any way?
My eating disorder actually started a little bit after quarantine. After I began recovery, I wondered what caused it, and I truly believe it was due to quarantine. I think September to December of 2020 was the hardest, especially because of the holidays. I now realize that the main cause of my eating disorder was because I was never leaving the house, which allowed me to spend an excessive amount of time on social media. I was already pretty insecure at the time so seeing all these super-thin models and influencers all over the internet just gave me more reasons to hate my body and the way I looked.
How have your family and friends responded to your eating disorder?
My family clearly tried to be supportive and help me the best they could. My sister was actually the first to notice my eating disorder. She would point out when I didn’t eat at dinner or order a salad instead of my favorite meal at a restaurant. My friends were pretty supportive, but I didn’t want anyone to know, so I was glad when they didn’t point it out. When it got worse, my parents started to make comments about how I was getting too thin. My mom tried to help me by telling me how she had a pretty serious eating disorder in college. Overall I felt very loved and supported by the people around me.
If there is one thing you would like to change about how family, friends, or society view eating disorders, what would it be?
I feel like today's eating disorders can be glamourized by the media, especially in tv shows and movies. They definitely create a false narrative. It is not glamorous to lose your hair or almost pass out every time you stand up. I think that eating disorders should also not be a shameful thing to talk about. Shaming someone's mental health will only make it more deadly. The stigma around eating disorders prevents people from reaching out for help which could be deadly.
ARABELLE BLALACK, 16
If my eating disorder were a person sitting in front of me, I would actually be quite calm. Though there would be many things I would like to say to it, the one thing that I would make sure I said was that it couldn’t control my life. I know that I will always have negative thoughts, and there will be things that trigger me, but I can not let that get in the way of doing things I enjoy, like hanging out with my friends, writing and playing music, and doing my best in school.
The type of advice to give to someone with an eating disorder can’t be cliche because saying something like “you are beautiful” will not work. People with an eating disorder will not believe, or at least I didn’t. I think the best advice you can give someone is that it is not worth it. You will lose so much more than you gain. I know something that I would have loved to hear was that I don’t want to look back and realize I spent all this time worrying about my appearance then making memories with the people I love.
