SUMMER

PURA VIDA PURA VIDA

Despite what you may think from the beautiful pink poncho girl in the photo above, I wouldn’t view myself as the biggest fashion icon.

Part of that has to do with the fact that the majority of the time, I prioritize comfort over any fashion trend. However, the core of the issue lies more in my struggle with what is known as body dysmorphia. “Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) a distinct mental disorder in which a person is preoccupied with an imagined physical defect or a minor defect that others often cannot see. As a result, people with this disorder see themselves as "ugly" and often avoid social exposure or turn to plastic surgery to try to improve their appearance. In a sense, I've always felt quite in tune with my body no matter what considering I've spent so much of my time being fixated on small details and what I viewed to be as flaws on the body I was given. When I was very young, I would argue that I didn't struggle with self-confidence.

In fact, there was nowhere I felt better than when I was up on a stage performing; whether it was while I was singing or putting on concerts with my cousins for our family during Thanksgiving, or during summer swim meets where I would beg my mom to watch me swim as I participated in the aquatic sports that I loved.

That didn't last for too long, though. As I got older, I began to despise the body I was given and refused to wear a swimsuit . I quit the swim team and every other sport that I had once participated in because I refused to let anyone see me wear shorts, better yet a swimsuit. I didn’t wear a swimsuit more than twice for over three years. This included during the month-long trip that I took during the summer before my sophomore year to Costa Rica to participate in community service work and explore one of the world's most beautiful countries, and it's magnificent beaches.

With that being said, a lot of the itinerary for this trip included water-based activities. I can't even begin to tell you the number of excuses I came up with to try and avoid having to go in the water. However, there was one that could not be avoided considering two of the days were spent on a white water rafting trip in the rainforest where we spent the night in a cabin-like place you could only get to by boat or white water raft.

This took place the first day after I'd arrived in Latin America alongside a group of teens from all over the world I did not know. Considering I had only been in Costa Rica for 12 hours before we took a bus to a cart attached to a tractor which took us down to the rafts we would spend the next few days in, it meant that they were not going to leave me alone on the mainland. I had no choice but to go in the water, unfortunately. Now I understand how I may sound now, and you're probably thinking, “Wow, that girl is ungrateful. That is a once in a lifetime opportunity. ” But for me, it was a harrowing experience with selfconsciousness during the peak of my struggle with anorexia.

I'm not sure where my mind was at this moment; I had been freaking out at the thought of having to wear a bathing suit or show myself in some way or another, and it led me to do anything in my power to try and prevent it.

I could not fathom the idea of wearing anything that revealed even the smallest part of my body. While everyone else wore the swimsuits and water shoes recommended, I was in a pair of flowy pants with a shirt and AirForce 1 sneakers, but that still was not enough.

I went so far as to wear a gigantic, not just a poncho but a pink plastic poncho to cover myself, even more, considering its reality was it did not even serve its purpose of protecting me from getting wet, and I was absolutely miserable.

During the first day of the white water rafting excursion, I recall the group stopping at a waterfall for lunch. As I sat by myself on the side of the rocks, every other person went into this waterfall and swam in the small body of water underneath.

I was asked multiple times if I cared to join them or questioned why I didn't come in, and as I reflect on my adventures and past experiences, I realize this wasn't the only time I had done this and try to hide.

In all honesty, I wanted to join them. I mean, who wouldn't? It truly was a one-of-a-kind experience, yet I was too focused on my appearance and self-loathing to enjoy it truly. It saddened me that I would rather overheat and embarrass myself by wearing a giant plastic bubble than trying to work and face those fears.

I still think the funniest part of the story, though, is the fact that even though I was completely covered, I still managed to get a severe second-degree sunburn on my right arm and, in the end, had to wear long sleeves to cover myself and protect my skin from the sun.

But the reason I tell this story because, despite the fact this took place two years ago now, there have been many instances where I felt this same way. Almost every day, in a sense, as I get up in the mornings and have to pick out an outfit to wear. So I may have grown a lot as a person during this time, but it doesn't mean that I am completely healed or don't continue to have struggles.

In terms of recovery, I have come a long way, but that struggle with body confidence and how I look persists. But if there's one thing I've realized, it is the fact that no matter what I do, how much I exercise, what I eat, or how much I wish that I could crawl out of my own skin and get a new body, the reality of it is that I can't.

When I was born, I was given the gift of my body, and it isn't something that I can return. It is something that I meant to cherish. Even if I have a love-hate relationship with the body that I was given I continue to be grateful for it. I'm learning to love and respect it more and more every day.

I don't want to be notorious for wearing jackets, hoodies, sweatpants, or giant pink plastic ponchos in hundred-degree weather. Instead, I want to explore the world and enjoy life without the struggle of body dysmorphia.

I want to feel confident enough to be in pictures, cherish different moments, and not waste them being fixated on my appearance, but I'm the only one who can change how I view myself.

If you're in the same boat having similar struggles, you have to remember that the only person can change the way you feel yourself. So the next time you are wearing something you don't feel confident in, whether it be a normal outfit or swimsuit or a rain poncho, I want you to remember the gift of your body and everything, but it does for you, not for its flaws.