KEEPING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AWAY

KEEPING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AWAY

Darlene J. Clark

For so many years, I was doubtful of my talents. As a child, I hated life. I wondered why God would have us on this earth just to suffer. Trigger Warning

Contents contain references to severe abuse and rape. I was abused from the time I was an infant until I escaped, after overhearing my stepmother, stepsister and stepbrother planning to kill me and make it look like suicide, by running off and getting married.

Struggling with memory loss from the extreme abuse and neglect I’d lived with; I was told my parents would run off (sometimes for a week at a time). Thankfully, I had an older sister and brother who skipped school to take care of my three siblings and I: Marlene and Darlene (infants); Charles Jr. (1-year-old); and Gwen (2-yearold). My younger brother, Derrick, was born two years later. As frequently happens, my family was unsupportive and turned a blind eye to the truth of the abuse.

My aunt grew tired and frustrated after picking up us five small children frequently after we’d been abandoned at grocery stores repeatedly. One day, after picking us up (now ages 2 through 6) she refused to let our mom take us. We rented my aunt’s house next door. My older cousins, aunts, and uncles kept coming over to change us, bathe us, feed us, etc. My dad was an alcoholic at the time.

After my parents divorced, Dad met my stepmom, Sue, whom I loved because we had a meal every day, instead of having to eat raw oatmeal from a box. I finally had warm food, clean clothes, and a bed to sleep in. However, she later became abusive and crude. She would dip my nose in cow manure, drag me through the house by my hair, kick me in the rump while I was washing the dishes, and even held me down while her son raped me. Sue also beat me for sneaking out of the house to worship God.

When I was 11, my birth mother, Hilda, and stepdad, Daddy LC, got custody of the five of us. While I was in the 6th grade, we had art class which I really enjoyed. The other students liked me. I was not used to being liked.

Whenever I wrote my birth dad, Charles, my stepmom, Sue, and my half-siblings and stepsiblings, I drew each a picture for each of them. It was something I thought was sweet. I imagined, Sue’s voice, putting it down, but I shirked that negative talk. Years later, when I moved back with Dad Charles and Sue, I found out she had saved our letters. She said, “You drew these, stupid, ugly pictures.” My heart sank. For many years after that, I would not draw or color. I hated anything that pertained to art in school. I felt incapable.

At age 14, my father died. I chose to stay with my stepmom. even though she was abusive.

But, at age 18, while still in high school, I overheard my stepmother, stepsister, and stepbrother planning to kill me and make it look like suicide to gain my inheritance. For my own safety, I ran off and married my boyfriend before the plan could be enacted.

For so many years, I was doubtful of my talents. As a child, I hated life. I wondered why God would have us on this earth just to suffer. I had learned children were to be seen, but not heard.

My stepmom did a cross stitch chart that I admired for my new step-step dad. Years after I married, I got some cross stitch items of my own. I could not believe I did well. I was shocked. It helped my self-esteem to hear that I was good at it.

T-rex I cross stitched by Darlene J. Clark

Serenity Tablet Book by Darlene J. Clark

While married, I gave some cross stitched gifts that I’d made, to my stepmom, stepsister and to two of my husband’s great aunts.

My family did not take theirs with them. Instead, they pushed the cross stitch into the couch cushions, which I found after they left. When I visited my husband’s great aunts, I was shocked to see they had framed and hung the pictures I made them – shocked to see anyone hanging anything I had made so proudly. I thanked them for showing an appreciation for my gifting. Since then, I have cross stitched many pictures. When people appreciate my artistic projects, it helps motivate me. Crafting keeps my mind on creating, instead of the pain from the past. Even today my abusive family worms their way onto social media sites trying to devalue and discredit me. Instead, it shows people who the abusers are. Crafting helps me forget and focus on positive things. After about ten years of crafting, I discovered YouTube. Following some tutorials convinced me to think outside the box and began creating different things. I work with crafts to to keep negative thoughts away. Continued on page 28

When I visited my husband’s great aunts, I was shocked to see they had framed and hung the pictures I made them – shocked to see anyone hanging anything I had made so proudly.

KEEPING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AWAY continued

Darlene J. Clark

ABUSE

by Darlene J. Clark

Abuse affects our lives in so many ways. What do we do when: We are too scared to tell? When we have trusted someone, and they did not help? Sometimes someone asks, “What did you do to get punished this way?” ABUSE IS ABUSE!!! ABUSE is not punishment!!! Abuse is torture; crippling, debilitating, What advice would you give others to help them through the horrendous memories? Are you there for the person or are you part of the knife in your friend or relatives’ back since you may have turned a blind eye to it? Are you claiming to advocate against abuse, but condemn the people who tell and share their stories? Do you want to be a part of the solution or part of the problem? Let’s stand united and discuss ways in which we may help others. What ways have helped you in your healing journey? Are you in a constant battle fighting the negative forces within? Stop! Let’s encourage one another. Are you an officer in the judicial system not doing your job to help the victim? That means you are not doing your duty. Your duty is to serve and protect. How do we open the public’s eyes so they can acknowledge and feel the need to help protect the children and our citizens? The children are our future. You Matter!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Darlene J. Clark is a survivor of severe child sexual, verbal, physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial abuse, and domestic violence. She relates, “I was basically abused since birth, and a child, I believed every child was abused.”

Years later, an online support group inspired her to write her first book, Born In A Living Hell (which is no longer in print). and Shattered Innocence which shares some of her life’s experiences as a youth. Darlene currently resides in Tennessee and shares her story to help others. She states. “I am triumphant over the abuse, so now I share my story to help others.”

You can reach Darlene on Facebook