GOD'S REDEMPTION – HEALING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE

GOD’S REDEMPTION – MY JOURNEY OF GOD’S HEALING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE

By: Chris Cline, MA

God spoke to me in that moment and said, “Your purpose is to speak.”

Drawing by Mark Sonmer at NiteLite Graphics

REDEMPTION. The act of correcting a past wrong. The action of being saved from evil. To be set free from what distresses or harms. To be released from blame, debt, wrong doings.

God set me free and released me – redeemed the wrongdoing and evil done to me by my dad, mom, grandfather, and other men from the sexual abuse. He redeemed the two times I became pregnant by my grandfather and my mom taking me for an abortion each time. He redeemed me from the silent participation of my mom by allowing the abuse – silently and passively going along with it. But as horrible and unsettling as this sounds, the glory is in how God redeemed me.

During the sermon on Easter morning, 2018, our pastor talked about resurrecting our purpose – of God healing us and giving us our purpose. He quoted scripture of Jesus telling Peter he had been forgiven and to now go and feed the sheep. Peter’s purpose was to feed the sheep. A lady from the congregation shared her testimony of how God had healed her. As I listened to her, I kept thinking about how eloquently she spoke without any nervousness or shaking in her voice. God spoke to me in that moment and said, “Your purpose is to speak.” God showed me a picture of me speaking at a podium. He brought me to the place in my talk of sharing about my mom. I immediately started crying.

Right there in the pew, at church, shaking and crying, I cried to God that in my heart I’m broken, and the betrayal is too much. God said, “Come to me and give it to me.” He showed me a picture of myself standing at the foot of the cross looking up. No one was there but me and Jesus hanging on the cross. He was there, dying in front of me, telling me to give Him the betrayal. Jesus said, “I’m doing this for you.” I answered, “You are doing this for everyone.” Jesus said, “I am doing this for you. Give me the betrayal.” I took in the personalization of Him doing this for me. Jesus was looking at me from the cross and I was looking at Him. I lifted my arms to Him and gave Him the betrayal and He took it. He said, “Give me the deception too.” I wasn’t consciously aware of feeling deception, but I

trusted Jesus, that I had deception buried in my heart from my mom. I gave it to Him. And there I stood, with no one around but me and Jesus, on a dirt hill in front of the cross. His beatings were for me. His crown of thorns was for me. His carrying the cross was for me. His hands nailed to the cross were for me. His feet nailed to the cross were for me. His death was for me. His time in hell paying the price for my sin was for me. His resurrection was for me. His ascension to heaven was for me. He did this all for me to set me free and make me whole and heal me.

Months after this time of giving Jesus the betrayal and deception, I was at church and a pastor was sharing words of encouragement. He said, “there is someone here today who has been healed greatly. But you are standing in front of all the broken chains of your healing. As wonderful and great it is that God has healed you, it is time to walk away from the broken chains. You don’t have to look at it anymore.” I immediately knew he was talking to me. I would sit and think about all God has done for me. I would be in awe of each piece that had been redeemed. In that moment, God said, “look to the left.” “What God?” “Look to the left,” I turned my head to the left in my mind and God said, “there, look at the tomb. I want you to focus on the empty tomb instead of the broken chains.” This was amazing healing. I was free to leave behind the wounds that were graciously healed by my Heavenly Father. I no longer had to stare and focus on the evilness that was healed.

Instead, I now had sweet joy, sweet honey, sweet hugs, and comfort from Jesus. The tomb is empty but so full of life because it represents rebirth and resurrection of Jesus and our souls.

been healed. Without the empty tomb I wouldn’t have been set free to walk away from staying entrenched in the particulars of the abuse. Jesus died for the sins of my mom, dad, grandfather, and the other men who all raped and defiled me. The tomb says, “it is done.” Hallelujah! Praise God!

One of the biggest parts that I had to work through was coming to the acceptance that my mom knew the abuse was happening. I fought this internally for years.

I couldn’t think it or say it. I stayed in denial for a long time. The knowledge that my mom participated silently was more devastating to my soul than working through the layers of the abuse itself. I genuinely thought that she and I had a close relationship and that we supported each other. But to then have to face that she knew and didn’t protect me was unfathomable. Isn’t that what moms are supposed to do? Protect their children? Even though (as an adult) I fully believe she was trapped and abused herself by my dad and the ruling authority my grandfather had over them, the child in me didn’t care.

My little child just wanted to be rescued and taken away from the insidious abuse and demonic environment.

A major part of healing is forgiveness. It’s hard. Sometimes it feels like an impossibility. We often cringe at that word. We often get defensive at that word because we feel justified to stay angry at the one who offended us. But to be healed and become whole and complete, forgiveness is an important step. However, I believe there are many layers to forgiveness. In geology, a stratum or strata is a series of layers of rock in the ground.

The knowledge that my mom participated silently was more devastating to my soul than working through the layers of the abuse itself.

Remembering that forgiveness is for the victim can help with understanding the importance of it. It’s for you, as the victim, to be set free.

I believe that for forgiveness, there is a stratum we must touch, process, and grieve before the layers clear out of us. But it will only happen in the appropriate time and manner when each person is ready.

Depending on the offense, forgiveness isn’t one fell swoop of saying, “I forgive” and it’s done. We must allow ourselves permission to take our time with each layer. Forgiveness can’t be rushed. Remembering that forgiveness is for the victim can help with understanding the importance of it. It’s for you, as the victim, to be set free. Know that forgiveness doesn’t mean an immediate renewal of the relationship with the offender. We need to set boundaries with toxic, abusive people so that we aren’t hurt again.

I think it was harder to forgive my mom than my dad and grandfather because I wrote them off as demonic. I didn’t need to understand anything more than that. There wasn’t a reason to dig for understanding “oh, how could they do this?” They did it because they were filled with the enemy. But I for sure didn’t see my mom in that light, nor do I believe she was. She was a victim like me. But her participation had to be forgiven.

Buried down deep in me was truth that I had covered up, dissociated from, ignored, and refused to see.

During a time of prayer and counseling, God gave me a picture of the truth. He showed me that I did in fact hate my mom. He showed me that I was aware that she knew, and I was aware of her not helping me, not protecting me, not rescuing me, and keeping me safe.

God showed me a vision/image/picture of her sitting on the couch, crossed leg, drinking her nightly glass of wine, and smoking her cigarettes. She always had a glazed look on her face, of her dissociating. In this scene, I was standing in front of her, about 12 years old. I said, “what is going to soothe me? Your cigarettes and alcohol are soothing you but what is going to soothe me?” I said to her, “I hate you.” She said back, “I know.” She asked me to forgive her. I couldn’t at that time. Jesus came into the room and scooped me up and said to my mom, “She is mine.” There was silence then between the three of us, silent words being said through eyes locked together. Jesus rescued me. Jesus protected me and healed me.

I had to face that I hated her. It was okay that I also loved her, but I was loving her without the truth. I was loving her blind to the fact that my little girl hated her.

The deep well of hate was the deepest part of the anger that I had stored inside of me. In my mind, I stood up to her finally and slapped her across the face. I was allowing myself to be angry at her. Justified anger, righteous anger.

This level of betrayal can only be healed by God. It can only be redeemed by Jesus dying on the cross and the tomb being empty because He rose from the dead.

The contrast from how I felt before the healing to after the healing are drastic.

My prayer for you is that God redeems your story, your trauma, so that you can be restored to wholeness as well.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

After counseling, Chris Cline experienced the victory of breakthroughs from the traumas of her past through the healing power of the Lord Jesus Christ. She was able to move away from being a victim to a survivor. From that experience, she knew it was time to help others have similar breakthroughs.

Chris has been in the counseling field since 2006. Since opening her private practice in 2010, she has been working with children, adolescents, families, couples and individuals. She lives with her husband and two cats in Washington State.

G l o r i o u s Awakenings, My Journey of God’s Healing from Sexual Abuse reveals Chris’ journey of God’s healing from sexual abuse. It shares the abuse and the path she took to heal –God redeeming the pieces of her that were broken emotionally, physically, spiritually, and sexually. Chris says “It is a beautiful story of how Jesus saved me – how my journey healed me and brought me to a closer relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.”

You can find Chris at: Glorious Awakenings or The Lord Who Heals or email her at gainvictories@gmail.com. Purchase her book at electiopublishing, www.amazon. com or.barnesandnoble.“

Depending on the offense, forgiveness isn’t one fell swoop of saying, “I forgive” and it’s done. We must allow ourselves permission to take our time with each layer. Forgiveness can’t be rushed.