Tips on How to be a Better Spouse

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BE A BETTER PARTNER

ARE YOU STRUGGLING TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND OR WIFE? LEARN HOW TO BE A BETTER PARTNER AND IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP

TABLE OF CONTENTS 05

INTRODUCTION

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MY PARTNER, MY FRIEND

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TYPICAL MARRIED BEHAVIORS THAT SULLY OUR INTERACTIONS AND DAMPEN THE FUN

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RID YOUR MARRIAGE OF SOUL-KILLING BEHAVIORS: HERE'S HOW

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WORKING ON THE MARRIAGE STARTS WITH YOU

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MARRIAGE BOOSTER EXERCISE: "WHAT WOULD I MISS ABOUT YOU?"

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TRUST IN MARRIAGE: DO YOU HAVE IT?

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OFFER YOUR PARTNER THE GIFT OF UNDERSTANDING

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STRONG MARRIAGES ARE CEMENTED IN MUTUAL APPRECIATION

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T. FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS IN MARRIAGE

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HOW TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND

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HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE

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MORE TIPS ON HOW TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND/WIFE TO EACH OTHER

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NEXT STEPS

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ABOUT ME

ATTIC | JANUARY 2016

Hi, I'm C Mellie Smith and I provide tools and resources to help couples heal the pain, rebuild the bond and restore trust after a partner cheats. Whether it’s an ongoing affair or a single act of betrayal, infidelity is a harrowing experience for both the aggrieved and the unfaithful partner.

Having a direction and a plan is the key to successfully dealing with infidelity or any other problems that inevitably crop up in marriage.

My recommended resources are reasonably priced, especially compared to the relief you’ll get after using them. They’re also just as effective as months of marriage counseling, but at a fraction of the cost. Consider these resources as an investment in yourself and in your relationship.

You can find me online at: infidelityhealing.com DISCLAIMER AND/OR LEGAL NOTICES. The information presented herein represents the view of the author as of the date of publication. Because of the rate with which conditions change, the author reserves the right to alter and update his opinion based on the new conditions.

The report is for informational purposes only. While every attempt has been made to verify the information provided in this report, neither the author nor his affiliates/partners assume any responsibility for errors, inaccuracies or omissions.

Any slights of people or organizations are unintentional. If advice concerning legal or related matters is needed, the services of a fully qualified professional should be sought.

Important Disclosure The short, direct, non-legal version is this: Some of the links in this report may be affiliate links which means that I earn money if you choose to buy from that vendor at some point in the near future.

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.

ROBERT ANDERSON

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Introduction If you're reading this, then you probably know that marriage is far from that fantasy you had as a little girl, of being swept away by your perfect Prince Charming who would carry you off to your perfect new home for a perfect life together.

What's funny about all the fairy tales and Disney movies is that the curtain comes down just after the happy couple rides off into the sunset together.

Well, of course that's where it ends… at "the happy ending."

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If the movie kept on going, you'd see Cinderella a year or two from now, covered in spitup, can't seem to drop the baby weight, exhausted from lack of sleep and silently fuming at hubby who is hiding in the garage drinking beer and surfing porn.

Marriage also isn't the ultimate soul mate who, as a teenager or young adult, you were convinced you'd find and marry.

You know, the guy who would hang onto your every word with rapt attention, always look and smell amazing, drive you just crazy enough to be wildly irresistible sexually, and finish your sentences for you.

How to make "forever" more like nirvana and less like a prison sentence - which it at times can be either, both, and most often something in between the two extremes.

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And guys, if you're reading, you probably know that married life isn't a breathy-voiced vixen with a body that won't quit, who has nothing but compliments and praise and offers you delicious, home-cooked food and sexual favors expecting nothing in return.

As it turns out, the romance part of marriage, if it even makes it past courtship in the first place, peters out once the honeymoon phase is over.

So now we come to the point of this writing… how to make the most of married life? How to make "forever" more like nirvana and less like a prison sentence - which it at times can be either, both, and most often something in between the two extremes.

As soon as kids enter the picture, you are looking at a rather unglamorous picture of coupled life.

Truth is, your picture of a perfect partnership may look nothing like someone else's, and the picture may change over time as your needs and priorities change, and as you grow and learn.

The first thing we can do in thinking of our wants and needs in a partnership, is recognize that there is a human being on the other side.

But what we tend to forget about marriage is that it's not unlike the diamond he placed on her finger so long ago. Like that diamond, decades of trying to survive life with a second ego to contend with, will toughen you on the outside.

But the funny thing about it all is that as resentment builds, ironically so does resilience. Marriages survive and can even transcend despite decades of struggle and strife.

Love lives on beneath it all.

Love, patiently waiting for your partner to chisel away the crusty exterior to expose the fragile beauty of two faithful hearts… and the preciousness of a commitment that stood the test of time and emerged all the stronger for it.

We already know what we want, and for some the Cinderella or mail order bride analogies were just that.

We take turns, giving some, taking some, then switching roles. So, if we want to ensure that we're getting what WE want, we would do well to consider what it is that THEY want.

And furthermore; we should just WANT to give because it feels good.

In some ways, men and women can be very different, and in other ways, they can be the same. Let's start exploring how to be better at marriage by looking for needs and wishes that husbands and wives have in common.

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A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.

ANDRE MAUROIS

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My Partner, My Friend In marriage, husbands and wives ultimately both want a friend.

People always say, "A husband or wife should be your best friend," and although you may start off this way while still dating, circumstances and habits can rob us of this closeness which is really what we long for.

Of course, in some relationships things are more complicated.

It's possible there's this deepdown feeling that you never were friends in the first place, and that it's all a sham, but you don't know how to break through in order to engage authentically.

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If your partner once felt like a friend but doesn't anymore… you might ask yourself why, and how you may have contributed to the situation without even realizing it.

Perhaps the two of you have fallen into repetitive conversational patterns and predictable scripts - things that husbands or wives think they should say because maybe they're modeling their marriage after their own parents, or the people in their social circle… or maybe someone watched one too many episodes of Dr. Phil.

If you're serious about working toward a marriage that brings reward and not resentment, then ask yourself this simple question: am I treating my partner as a friend?

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So, if you're serious about working toward a marriage that brings reward and not resentment, then ask yourself this simple question: am I treating my partner as a friend?

One good way to determine this is to pay closer attention to how you go about initiating situations and responding to things your partner says and does. If you often feel like you're up against a wall when dealing with your husband or wife over the simplest of matters, it can help to stop and assess your own attitude and behavior.

If you have trouble doing this, try this exercise. Rehash the scene in question in your own mind.

But instead of visualizing your partner, imagine that it's happening with a good friend of yours, or someone you have especially loving feelings and boatloads of patience for, like one of your children.

How might you have approached this if it were your son or daughter, best gal pal or good buddy?

Would you have been more patient?

Would you have assumed the best of intentions?

Would you have offered benefit of the doubt?

Next time you feel yourself spiraling into an argument with your husband or wife, stop and try to imagine the same scene playing out with you and that good friend of yours.

How will your approach and reactions change?

When we truly feel that our husband or wife is a friend and not an adversary, we become more open minded, more patient, more tolerant and more forgiving.

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We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.�

TOM ROBBINS

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Typical Married Behaviors That Sully Our Interactions and Dampen The Fun Married people often lapse into predictable, stereotypical, and ultimately, annoying behaviors that do nothing for your moments together and will sully the relationship over time if the humor and patience are lost.

It plays out as such: He starts out with some typical thing that he ALWAYS does (or does not do, but she wants him to).

He reacts to her condescending tone with negative body language, such as an eye roll or a grimace of disgust.

She prods him and tells him (or implies through some type of passive aggressive remark), that he is childish and in need of correction. He makes a hasty departure.

She reacts by speaking to him in a tone of voice that one would reserve for a 3-year-old who must be taught basic human behavior and self control.

Or, maybe he's the one who's treating her like a child. He's talking about something Very Important a practical problem that must be solved. She is listening to him talk and at the same time formulating her own thoughts.

He interprets that she is not listening and begins chastising her, saying she "never listens" even though she is - he has just not given her a chance to respond OR offered the benefit of the doubt. She raises her voice at him, then decides to flee. He blames her and leaves also.

The practical problem now must solve itself.

In both cases, the interaction has become negative, and also a self-fulfilling prophecy.

She sent him a message that he was childish, so he behaved accordingly, and vice versa.

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This is the pattern, and it will repeat, repeat, repeat, driving the partners further apart, and creating dysfunction and marital discord, until one or both people decide to change their approach or reaction.

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The formula for a happy marriage? It’s the same as the one for living in California: when you find a fault, don’t dwell on it.

JAY TRACHMAN

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Rid Your Marriage of Soul-Killing Behaviors: Here's How Problem: He doesn't listen when she talks. (This is something that you will frequently come across in marriage forums.)

Solution: He can try to be more patient and open minded to what she's saying. She might try to be more selective about when she chooses to tell a story (in the middle of a movie is not a good time).

Problem: She talks too much. (Stereotypical, as women's brains are hardwired for more advanced communication, but it doesn't mean there aren't men out there who also talk too much.)

Solution: The less talkative partner might start engaging more fully when the chattier one is telling a story or making plans out loud. The more talkative partner should make more of an effort to either trade off turns on the center stage, or else respect their spouse's need for quiet at certain times.

Problem: He's sloppy. Again, this is stated with the male being the more stereotypical sloppy one. However, there are certainly females who procrastinate on cleaning or leave their personal items around, while their tidy men go around straightening up.

Solution: Clean up your act, together. Instead of putting the blame on the sloppy partner (even though it may be justified), instill a new house rule that there should be a place for everything and everything in its place.

There is huge benefit to doing this, as reorganizing the shared space and homing stray items will actually help family members become more productive and punctual.

These little words are just a small but significant way to show respect, appreciation and understanding.

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Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction."

ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY

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Working on the Marriage Starts With YOU Marital issues stem from self centered behavior.

Maybe one person tends to be more self directed than the other. However, it becomes a vicious cycle, in that if one person is mostly driven by their own ego, then the other person is forced to do the same or else get swallowed up by the entire association.

Blaming and finger-pointing won't fix an already rocky marriage.

This seems obvious when you say it in print, but yet most married people do exactly this. .

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Even if you "know" that your partner has some special Thing that he or she does which you're so sure is ruining everything‌ telling them it's their fault (or that it's not your fault, which is essentially saying the same thing) simply won't work.  The ONLY way to save a marriage where the partners are mad, sad and struggling is if both people commit to turning over a new leaf and really commit to behaving in unselfish ways.

The ONLY way to save a marriage where the partners are mad, sad and struggling is if both people commit to turning over a new leaf and really commit to behaving in unselfish ways.

Simply put, that means putting your ego aside and considering the other person.

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If he thinks of her and she thinks of him, both people win, and the relationship is elevated to a higher state of consciousness.

But how do you approach your marriage with a giving attitude if you feel like you're being taken advantage of in the first place?

A marriage gone bad can have you likening yourself to a dog who's exposed his underbelly in surrender, only to be bitten right on your exposed, tender parts.

Forgiveness in Marriage: Wiping the Slate Clean

A problem that married partners often describe in trying to repair their broken relationship is that it's hard to let go of what's already happened.

If you can't seem to stop the terrible scenes from playing in your head, and you can't shake the feelings of betrayal, bitterness and resentment, then you might seriously consider talking with an unbiased, third party who can bring the two of you together to heal old hurts.

This could be a counselor, trusted family priest, or someone who knows you but won't be skewed toward taking sides with one partner or the other, and who ultimately wants the best for both of you.

Giving a final purge of your feelings to a trusted mediator could be the last step in your "old" way of dealing with one other which gives way to a higherminded approach to your partnership together.

If nothing else, you might just decide that you're tired of arguing about the same old things over and over.

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Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved.

BARBARA JOHNSON

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Marriage Booster Exercise: "What Would I Miss About You?" Here's a productive exercise to help you get your marriage back on a positive course.

The game is called "What Would I Miss About You?".

It's designed to help couples who have drifted apart or are mired in a hateful situation to come together again for the reasons they initially found each other to be marriage material in the first place.

To do the exercise, get a pen and piece of paper. Ask yourself, "If my partner died tomorrow, what would I miss about him or her?"

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Write down your thoughts and feelings.

No one likes to think about death, and yet all too often at the moments when we lose people we care about is when all of our emotional attachments come bubbling to the surface.

When people we were close with pass on, we express deep regret at not having been kinder to them… we lament having taken them for granted… we feel sorry that we failed to express the warmth we felt about them in our hearts while they were still alive and with us.

So, why not be bold, and tread to the dark side - thinking about death, which is a reality of life, and which ironically is where we find truth about life, ourselves and our relationships with others.

Thinking about this now, while your partner is here, can make you more likely to appreciate them for their good qualities, and be open with your positive thoughts and feelings about them.

In short, we don't really have to lose someone to imagine how lost we would feel without them.

We can simply go there in our minds for a brief moment, to know how precious they are while present on earth, sharing this fragile, beautiful life with us in the here and now.

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If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

MARK TWAIN

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Trust in Marriage: Do You Have It? When people think of trust in marriage, the first thing that typically comes to mind is fidelity. We trust that our husband or wife will be true to us.

Trust also goes hand in hand with security and comfort. We rely on our husband or wife for all sorts of things. They contribute to the household finances every month.

We trust that they aren't going to run off and bed someone else (though this certainly happens), and they trust the same of us. Â Really though, trust is about much more than just being faithful in the biblical sense.

They come home every night to have dinner with us (and if the schedule doesn't allow for this, then we can trust that they will do some other thing that they said they were going to do). Â Trust in marriage has a lot to do with trust in a familial sense. Families who share a high level of trust are comprised of people who do and say predictably comforting things.

Trust also means being able to rely on someone, or to count on them.

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In trusting relationships, people keep their word. They generally stick to commitments, live up to their personal creeds and values, and can be counted on to come through in a time of need.

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In trusting relationships, people keep their word. They generally stick to commitments, live up to their personal creeds and values, and can be counted on to come through in a time of need.

When trust is high in marriage, partners feel comfortable sharing their true thoughts and opening up emotionally, without fear of judgment or condemnation.

In marriages where trust is lacking, partners cannot count on each other. Maybe there are exaggerations and inconsistencies in what's said and what's done hypocritical actions.

Emotional mind games are often played, heightening a sense of discomfort and decreasing trust.

If your formative years were spent in a state of perpetual mistrust of parents or other family members who were emotionally volatile, behaviorally unpredictable and who basically could not be relied upon, then it is highly likely that you do not have a good sense of what trust even is.

This is a big factor in why people who grew up in dysfunctional households as children often repeat the pattern in selecting a partner to marry.

Discord, discomfort, and yes, a certain level of mistrust, though it may not be about faithfulness, tend to be running themes in your adult relationships because these disturbing sensations are familiar - they are what we know, and what we know tends to attract us.

As related to fidelity, the notion of trust in a marriage can be a weapon used against the married partner - again, mind games at play.

Trust can mean feeling reassured that your partner will never try to purposefully deprive you of peace of mind by hurling farfetched accusations.

If you know that your husband can trust you to not cheat on him, then he needs to trust you enough to leave you alone to enjoy an evening out with your friends.

A wife who accuses you lacks trust in the relationship. This doesn't mean that YOU can't be trusted. It means she is unable to trust, perhaps for some reason that has nothing to do with you at all.

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Trust is One of The Most Important Characteristics of a Loving Relationship

The 7 forms of trust in a relationship are: 1. Fidelity 2. Physical Safety 3. Parenting 4. Financial Security 5. Emotional Predictability 6. Truthfulness 7. Discretion

When you and your partner can trust each other, it paves the way for effective communication. On the other hand, without trust, your partner might not believe anything you say and your good efforts may be brushed aside. So do everything you can to establish and maintain trust in each other!

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Love grows by giving.

The love we give away is the only love we keep. The only way to retain love is to give it away.

ELBERT HUBBARD

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Offer Your Partner the Gift of Understanding Understanding is one of the best gifts you can give to your husband or wife - and probably the most difficult to give. After all, the person we understand best is ourselves.

Most people spend the majority of their lives trying to be heard and understood. But what if, instead of seeking to be understood in marriage, you sought to understand?

Is it possible that, in seeking to understand, we would come to find that we were better understood? Such is the ironic surprise of life, marriage especially.

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Misunderstanding is at the root of most marital trouble in the first place. In fact, when we fail to understand each other, what we are really doing is not opening our ears and heart and mind to our partner.

Think about all of the small things that can blow up into absurd arguments when you're married.

Take sex, for example - ideally a stress reliever, a reason to connect, a release of healthy feel-good chemicals. But sometimes in a marriage, sex is fraught with misunderstanding.

Be direct and honest, yet tactful and kind, in communication.

There's a fine line between honest and rude, and often in marriage we dance on that line.

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Maybe she is in the mood, but he's tired. So, when she approaches in a flirty manner and he fails to notice, she feels rejected.

But he's simply too worn out from his busy day to even comprehend that she's trying to be playful and romantic.

Sex is the farthest thing from his mind.

But there's nothing deeper to it, and she now believes there is. She imagines herself to be repulsive to her own husband. Why?

The truth is that she's not repulsive to him, and he's not secretly lusting for someone else. But now that she's feeling down about her failure to attract her partner, her mind is taking her to a negative place and she's becoming insecure.

Maybe a twinge of mistrust is even brewing. What does he do all day at his job? Does he flirt with other women?

You can see how the problem of poor timing (she's in the mood, he's not), has led to misunderstanding. Maybe it goes even a step further. He looks up and sees her frowning.

Now he thinks she's angry about something, but he can't figure out what, and isn't in the mood to hear about it anyway. So now, ironically again, she is becoming slightly less attractive in this moment of misunderstanding, which is the exact opposite effect of what she was hoping for.

Tips for Avoiding Misunderstandings in Marriage

Get into the habit of saying what you mean. Avoid passive aggressive behavior. If you're not in the mood to hang out and watch a movie, then just say that.

Otherwise, you could be sitting there resenting the fact that you had something else you wanted to get done, but your husband or wife "made you watch this silly movie that you weren't even interested in."

Watch your timing. Sometimes people are distracted, hungry, tired or busy. They aren't fully listening, and it just isn't a good time to say what you're trying to say. Instead of interrupting them with your important information, why not write it down?

You can leave a note, send an email or text… or, just wait until your partner is ready for a break before telling them whatever you needed to convey.

Avoid over-communicating. It's easy to overcommunicate to the point of counter-productivity, especially when smart phones are involved.

For example, you might be tempted to give your husband the play-by-play of determining whether or not your brother and his wife will be visiting next weekend.

But does he really need an update on every text messages and phone call as the plans continue to change? Best to just wait until the final decision, and then give your husband a heads-up.

Be direct and honest, yet tactful and kind, in communication. There's a fine line between honest and rude, and often in marriage we dance on that line.

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However, it isn't healthy to keep all of your true thoughts to yourself and wear a mask in what is supposed to be your most intimate relationship.

You might think that if you told your partner the truth of how you feel about things like, say, them being overweight, or that they talk too much and it bothers you, that you'd offend them by being too blunt.

But if you don't express these things in a healthy way as the issues come up, you're likely to hold in your true feelings for too long, then blurt them out in a moment of high tension or anger.

That's likely to hurt your partner far worse than if you found a tactful way to express your thoughts before they reach a boiling point.

Let's say that your partner has gained some weight, and it's bothering you. You find them less attractive than you did before. They're taking up more space in the bed that you share. Snoring has become a problem, and so has intimacy because your partner has lost his or her stamina.

If you don't mention it at all, your partner could continue to gain weight and begin to jeopardize his or her own health. But what stops you from saying something?

Fear of offending them? Not being able to express things in a tactful and kind way?

Timing, tone of voice, and word choice all play a part in whether we manage to be appreciated for our honesty, versus being interpreted as rude and offensive.

So, if you want to take up the awkward topic of your partner having put on a lot of weight, you might wait until a low-pressure moment… perhaps when you're relaxing together at the end of the day, when the kids aren't around and no one is preoccupied.

You can open up the conversation with an approachable, kindly tone. With a touchy topic like this, speak more slowly and carefully.

Avoid talking too quickly or loudly… and definitely don't become accusatory or critical.

Positive body language also helps when broaching an uncomfortable topic. Looking directly into his or her eyes, making affectionate, warm contact as you speak… both help to soften the message.

And finally, rather than saying something couthless like "you're getting fat, and I'm turned off by it" (even if that's true), you could instead tread more gently: "It seems like you're gaining quite a bit of weight, and I'm starting to become concerned."

You can even talk about the importance of both of you staying healthy and fit so you can be there for one another into old age.

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Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

VICTOR BORGE

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Strong Marriages are Cemented in Mutual Appreciation Appreciation is surely one of the easier gifts to give in marriage, and a little of it goes a long, long way. Â There's usually something to appreciate about the other person. Unless you ended up with someone who has major personal issues, can't hold down a job and is a general scourge of society, there's probably something worth appreciating about your partner, even if it's not one of those typical things that most would come to expect from a husband or wife.

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So, what do you appreciate about your partner?

Start by thinking of the more superficial things. Â -- Does she have great hair?

-- Legs up to there?

-- Is he a life of the party type, who always has a joke or funny story?

-- Does she make the best brownies?

When we see someone every day, it's easy to lose sight of all the special traits that made them amazing to us when we first met.

But remember, you can rekindle that old spark of connection simply by expressing a heartfelt thanks.

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Taking this a step further… what else might you show gratitude to your husband or wife for?

-- Does he laugh at all your jokes?

Appreciation pays high dividends. If you give it freely, you'll likely end up with even more to appreciate from your partner.

Think about it.

-- Show sympathy when you come home griping about your day?

-- Does she always wake up in the middle of the night to tend to the kids when they're sick?

-- Did she plan an awesome family vacation last year?

What about values?

-- Do you admire your partner for his or her unshakeable faith?

-- Work ethic?

-- Patience and honesty?

When we see someone every day, it's easy to lose sight of all the special traits that made them amazing to us when we first met. But remember, you can rekindle that old spark of connection simply by expressing a heartfelt thanks.

If every night you came home and told your wife how nice it was to sit down to a delicious, homecooked meal that she made, what do you think she would do?

Might this thoughtful compliment delight her, and result in your wife trying even harder to come up with great dinners?

Studies have shown that people perform best at their jobs when told that they're appreciated. Even more than high dollar amounts, people want to be recognized for their hard work.

Marriage can be considered a job in many ways.

We each have our specific roles and responsibilities that we agree to - yours will of course depend on how you two have decided to divvy everything up.

So if you're married, what can you express appreciation for? This is so very important. After all, no one wants to be taken for granted.

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Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

FRANKLIN P. JONES

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R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find Out What It Means in Marriage What does respect mean to married people? Basically, it's two people behaving like mature adults toward each other.

Respect is showing through actions and words that you honor someone else's status or role in your life - what they mean to you.

Respect just has to do with being decent toward another human being. It also means honoring the personal boundaries of your husband or wife.

Here are a few simple ways to show respect to your spouse.

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Honor their time. When we jabber away about ourselves and our own situation or problems without a thought to what our partner may be trying to accomplish, we unknowingly disrespect him or her.

Avoid being condescending.

Condescension refers to an air of superiority, and often has more to do with vocal tone and body language than what's being said.

Respect is showing through actions and words that you honor someone else's status or role in your life - what they mean to you.

Although you may know more about a particular thing than your spouse does, there is never a reason to take a condescending tone when speaking to them.

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Don't mock or belittle. Sometimes we really feel like making fun of our husband or wife. Of course, good natured jibing can be an enjoyable aspect of married life, so long as the jokes don't cross the line to overly mean, crude or rude. Eye contact and a broad smile go a long way in conveying respect while playfully kidding around with your partner.

Honor their wishes. An example of this might be if mom wanted the kids to having dinner by 5:00 so they could make it on time to a sports event.

The opposite of respect is irreverence. Undermining behaviors, mean spirited jokes, disregarding someone's wishes, encroaching on their time or personal space, being overly critical or controlling - all show disrespect.

What else does respect mean to married people?

> Respect means that if your husband cooked you a nice dinner, you will take some time out of your busy day to sit down and eat it with him.

> Respect means that if someone is asleep, you'll make an effort to be extra quiet so as not to disturb him or her.

> Respect is about making eye contact when your husband or wife is speaking to you.

> Respect is about listening to your partner, really hearing what they have to say, and making an effort to understand.

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The great secret of a successful marriage is to treat all disasters as incidents and none of the incidents as disasters.

HAROLD NICOLSON

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How to be a Good Husband Why would anyone want to work on being a “good” husband or wife?

If you think of marriage in analogous terms, like a garden that needs tending in order to be productive, then you may better understand this.

It's about being tuned in and focused on meeting the needs of your partner.

Of course, this goes both ways. As much as a married man may benefit from being considerate toward his wife, a wife should also have her husband’s needs factored in when making decisions about how to approach their relationship and life together.

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If you think about the “whys” on being the best partner you can be, there are many repercussions of our daily treatment of our spouse that go well beyond your relationship with each other.

-- In families where there are less arguments, children tend to grow up feeling more secure.

-- In families where the husband and wife know how to effectively manage conflict, the children learn how to argue constructively.

So, how does one go about being a good husband to his wife?

This effectively equips them with a higher emotional intelligence, which will take them far in their adult life.

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-- “Happy wife, happy life” has some truth to it, but we mustn’t forget that husbands have needs as well. A happy husband, too, makes married life more rewarding and productive.

-- Stress is a silent killer.

Working toward cooperation can decrease stress in your married life. People who feel less stressed are obviously happier and content. Happy people are healthy people.

So, how does one go about being a good husband to his wife?

Try a little tenderness. Every man is different, and every woman has her own idea of what’s comforting to her.

But as a woman moves past the initial attraction phase and children come into the picture, more softness may be called for on the part of the male partner.

A mother of young children will likely be overworked, exhausted, and weary of being at the beck and call of a noisy and demanding brood.

She is likely to be emotionally jarred by harshness of any kind, and many men can be intimidating with their loud voices and commanding presence.

A man can still retain his masculinity while managing to tone down aggressiveness for the sake of his wife and young children.

Show emotional restraint.

This doesn’t mean you should stifle tears if you feel moved to cry. It also does not mean that “manly” men don’t show love.

It means that if you work on controlling your emotional reactions, anger in particular, you will be creating a secure and protective environment in which your wife and children can feel safe and loved by you.

Be assertive, not aggressive.

Many people do not know the difference between these two. Really, it all boils down to delivery -- vocal tone, gestures, body language-and persistence. Assertive people take action.

Assertive people make their needs clear by using firm, positive communication.

Aggressive people try to control others through intimidation, i.e. loud voice, dominating body language, and in more extreme cases, verbal threats.

Take responsibility for yourself.

Clean up any messes that you made personally. For example, if you left a bunch of tools out on the dining room table, then it is your responsibility to put them away, not your wife’s.

If you and your wife have agreed that she will take on the bulk of the housework while you act as the primary bread winner, that is fine.

But in the same way you would expect your children to clean up their own toys, not drop clothing on the floor and walk away, and not leave snack wrappers strewn about the house, your wife should expect the same from you, and you from her.

Don’t be a doormat. Your wife will have more respect for you if you stand your ground over the things that are truly important to you as a person. She married you because you held certain values that she admired and respected.

So long as your actions remain in support of those values, then you have every right to be your own person with your own thoughts and opinions, and not a “yes man” to your wife’s every whim.

Even if your wife thinks she wants a yes-man, she really doesn't.

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The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds – they mature slowly.

PETER DE VRIES

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How to Be a Good Wife to Your Husband A “good” wife can offer the following gifts to her husband as a means of enhancing their married life together.

Give him emotional space.

Men and women are wired different emotionally.

So, if as a wife, you’re having a strong emotional reaction and want to open the lines of communication, remember that he may not be as empathetic because he can’t feel these emotions for himself.

If you don’t believe this, spend some time observing post-menopausal women and note how assertive and strong they come across as compared to women who are still steeped in estrogen and progesterone during the child bearing years.

Men do not have the emotional ebb and flow of a monthly cycle the way that women do

To him, problems are very cut and dry.

Speak to him in simple words. Another way that men and women are different is communication.

So, how does one go about being a good wife to her husband?

Women’s brains are wired to process communication cues on many more levels than men

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Not only are they computing many more words, but they are picking up crossconversations, and they are on the alert for more subtle clues such as body language, tone and facial expressions.

This may be because the natural role of a female has been about raising children for so long – a job that requires you to mentally be many different places at once, on high alert for signals that someone’s needs may require tending to.

If your husband seems overwhelmed or frustrated by your style of conversing or relaying information, you might consider simplifying things in the name of being understood more clearly.

Offer him freedom. You’ve probably heard the expression “she’s got him on a short leash,” used to describe some wives of friends or family members.

This refers to the woman who is always making plans and demanding her husband to follow along or throwing mini (or bigger sized) tantrums should he decide to spend a few hours away doing his own thing.

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One of the best things for a marriage is to give each other freedom – not just for him to enjoy, but for her as well.

If you offer this to your husband, you’ll find that he’s less likely to “go missing on you” in the first place.

After all, no one appreciates being told what to do all the time, and if you make life oppressive for each other than an escape from your partnered life will seem all the more appealing.

Don’t micro-manage his projects. Again, this is something that either partner may have a tendency to do.

If you’ve asked your husband to do something terribly unhusbandly like set up a child’s birthday celebration while you’re at work, then give him the freedom to do it his way.

It might mean mismatched party plates, invitations by text, and a backyard camp fire instead of Build-a-Bear at the mall.

Make peace with his mother. You don’t have to be best friends with your husband’s mother. But it will mean a lot to him if you do your best to get along with her.

The daughter-in-law/mother-in-law dynamic is very different for males to grasp.

You may find it challenging to have to share mothering space with her when she is around you and your children.

Better to share your gripes with a close friend than to begin complaining to your husband about his own mother.

He is not in a mothering role. He does not understand, and rather than gain sympathy for your plight, he will probably lose respect for you if you bad-mouth the woman who raised him.

But you have asked him to handle it, therefore he should be offered full control of the project.

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Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity; yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage SYDNEY J. HARRIS

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More Tips on How to Be a Good Husband-Wife to Each Other Spend some time talking and sharing, and some time being quiet. Your partner is not an extension of yourself, who must be constantly updated on every last detail of your personal situation.

Nor is he an alien life form to peer at in bewilderment from afar. Try to strike a balance between togetherness and separateness.

Communication can be counterproductive, or it can be non-existent, and neither of these is desirable.

But if you learn to get a feel for when is a good time to talk, or if you develop daily rituals like a mid-day check-in by phone, or a catch-up conversation about your day over dinner, then you may find that it’s easier to strike a healthy balance in how much you communicate with each other.

Find humor in little, everyday things. Make light of petty annoyances. Learn to see the absurdity of life and laugh at it. Laughter is the best medicine, always.

Laughing together can diffuse tension, and it can even make “big” problems magically disappear.

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Do not give up your personal interests as a sacrifice for being married. In fact, if you and your husband or wife spend some time apart, doing different things, it will invigorate your conversations for when you do come together again.

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Ever listen to a comedian talking about the follies and foibles of married life? It’s always funny because anyone who’s been married can relate. We laugh because it's true… we have been there.

Laughing at life also sends a message to our kids: all is okay. We can always find something to smile and be happy about. Kids carry this levity with them always. It buoys them through the difficult waters when they're adults.

Do some things together as a couple, and some things separately. Married couples should not be attached at the hip, nor should they be immersed in entirely separate lives.

Find common interests to invest time in together maybe you both love watching comedies, or you enjoy spending weekends at the beach.

Do not give up your personal interests as a sacrifice for being married. In fact, if you and your husband or wife spend some time apart, doing different things, it will invigorate your conversations for when you do come together again.

Put some effort into your appearance now and then. Hygiene should not be neglected just because you're partnered for life and not "looking." Take pride in your personal appearance as a gift to each other. Sure, sometimes we get overwhelmed by responsibilities, or we just don't feel good.

And yes, part of being mature, married love is seeing each other at our worst yet still finding the beauty within. But also, simple things like getting your hair styled, trimming an unkempt goatee, or splurging on a sexy new dress can get your partner noticing and appreciating, and that's a huge marriage booster.

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Don't withhold. It's hard not to withdraw affection or continue talking as if nothing happened, when you're angry with each other. But a good parent wouldn't dream of withholding affection and emotional reassurance from their child even if the child had engaged in bad behavior.

So why would two married, grown adults do this to each other?

In the same way that the love of a parent to a child is unconditional, so should the love be between married partners. The hardest part is getting over whatever hurt or slight you may be feeling after the initial negative encounter.

But the quicker we let it go, the sooner we can move onto peaceful, functional relations, and the happier everyone is.

Stay healthy for each other. The majority of married people probably don't think of keeping health and fitness goals as something to give your partner, and your children. But if we look at long term married life, one day you and your husband or wife will be senior aged.

Do either of you want to be a burden on the other person - unhealthy, unable to get around on your own or care for yourself? It's worth making a plan to quit smoking or cut down on drinking if you do those things, as well as curb your calories.

Make exercise a part of your daily routine; at the very least get your body moving a few times a week. The present payoff is having more energy to be able to do things together. The long-term goal is to grow old gracefully together.

Stop using sex as a tool of manipulation. Some ways that women treat their husbands as children is to hold sex over them to get what they want, or to withhold sex as "punishment". Maybe they bickered in the car. Now she thinks, "Fine… if he's going to treat me like that, see if he gets any tonight!" The truth is that nobody is going to be getting any, both need it.

Some relationship experts say that women need emotional closeness in order to feel sexually aroused, but men need sex in order to feel emotionally connected with their partners. Nobody really knows for sure about anything, but we can sure have fun trying as we attempt to figure it out.

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Next time there's a spat on a long road trip, see if you can diffuse the tension in a fun way that doesn't involve talking. You'd be surprised at how quickly those "big" problems diminish once you take the edge off.

Your differences make you more potent together.

A lot of what causes married couples to argue is actually differences in personality, or tendencies that vastly differ.

If you view your partner as someone who contradicts what you stand for, then you can expect discord every time you come together.

But if you realize that each of you has strengths which complement the other person, you can team up and utilize both of your talents to accomplish more.

The key is cooperation. Who is doing what? Is it necessary to stay out of his or her way? Or is it time to work together and cooperate?

Approaching marriage with team spirit and a can-do attitude can really help you get more done in less time, with far less struggle.

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Happily ever after is not a fairy tale. It’s a choice

FAWN WEAVER

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