Major Changes Coming to Burman!
Administration has set forth a plethora of MAJOR changes to life here at Burman University, curiously all announced on April 1 . Read on to discover the future of Burman and other breaking news stories! st
Here at The Chronicle, we feel as though it’s our duty to ensure that the student body is informed on these important issues We would never lie to you Anyone who claims that the following stories are “fake news ” will be exiled.
BRING EXACT CHANGE AIR FOR SALE
Due to increasing costs, Burman will now charge $0.75 per breath while on the premises.
Campus MOving to MOON
Starting 2030, Burman is moving to the MOON
ELON MUSK TO BUY
BURMANITES NO LONGER
MUSKERS FOR LIFE BURMAN ON SALE
PRESIDENT LOREN AGREY
A FIGMENT OF OUR IMMAGINATION
BREAKING NEWS: MEL A FUGITIVE IF FOUND, RUN!
MEAT LOVERS ARISE NEW GOODIES
IN THE CAF
AUTHOR’S PICK
CRUNCHY CENTIPEDE
LIMITED
WORCESTERSHIRE WARTHOG
OOZING OSTRICH
OFFERS ENDING APRIL 1 , 11:59 PM ST
EDITOR’S PICK
IN 1902 THERE WAS AN
APOCALYPTIC ECLIPSE THAT STUNNED THE WORLD DIDYOU KNOW
FREE HAMSTERS
Caf food got you down? Now offering FREE hamsters! Excellent source of protein! Never suffer starvation again! Healthy portion sizes for anyone!
FIGHT ROAD USE!
OUR ROAD IS NO PLACE FOR VEHICLES! JOIN THE CAUSE TODAY AND AID IN REMOVING CARS FROM THE ROADS OF BURMAN! TOGETHER WE CAN MAKE THE CHANGE
Sign the petition today! It’s up to you to save our school.
ATTENTION
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
MANDATORY SHOE SWAP
April 4th. All Burman University students are required to swap shoes with community members. Share the love and interact with the Lacombe community!
Cabinet Staff
Empty cabinets must be filled for 8 hours per day
Will train the correct applicants
Supply own lights
Required to reside within cabinets for duration of day.
Bonus pay for frightening professors or students
LOST FORK FRED
Medium silver fork, very friendly and will not harm you. Please handle carefully as is very valuable to the family. If you have any information, please call!
Happy April Fool’s Day!
